June 1, 2026 • 27 mins
#141 Want a stronger D/s dynamic without adding complicated rules? Start here. I'm walking you through 5 beginner-friendly protocols straight from my own relationship — what worked, what flopped, and one protocol that sparked a wave of online controversy. Listen now and pick one idea to try this week.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
If you've been curious about having a more
(00:02):
structured Dom Sub Lives channelbut have no idea where to
actually start, or if you'realready in a dynamic but things
feel a little stale lately, thisepisode is exactly what you
need.
Because today I'm giving youfive protocols that are easy,
meaningful, and doable that youcan use starting today.
(00:23):
Not someday, today.
Like today, today.
So let's get started.
Welcome to the Dom Sub Livingpodcast.
Hey, it's Alessandra, and thesefive protocols I'm giving you
are genuinely easy.
They don't require any specialequipment, and I'm going to walk
you through each one, sharewhat's worked in my own dynamic
(00:46):
and what hasn't worked and hasgone hilariously sideways,
because that's real life.
And one of these protocols, I'veactually had trolls come for me
about it online.
I'll tell you exactly whathappened and why I think it says
a lot more about them than itdoes about me.
But first, let's get yousomething you need.
(01:07):
Before we get into protocolnumber one, I want to make sure
you grab my free BDSM protocolslist.
It has over 20 ideas on it, waymore than what we're covering
today.
Go to domsubliving.com slashprotocols.
The links in the descriptiontoo.
Save it, screenshot it, write iton your hand if you have to.
(01:28):
It is completely free and it'spacked with a lot of kinky
ideas.
So that's domsubliving.com slashprotocols.
Okay, now let's get into it.
Let's start with the protocolthat sounds the simplest because
it is simple, but simple doesn'tmean it won't change things for
you.
So protocol number one is usetheir title.
(01:52):
So sir, ma'am, daddy, mistress,baby girl, little one, whatever
title fits your dynamic,whatever words the two of you
have agreed on, those words area protocol.
And if you're not using themconsistently, you are leaving
power on the table, basically.
(02:13):
Here's what I mean.
Every time the word leaves yourlips, something shifts.
It's tiny, it's quiet.
Nobody in the grocery storeknows it's happening, but inside
your dynamic, it's doing realwork.
It's an anchor, it pulls youback into the dynamic in real
(02:34):
time.
You can't say, yes, sir, the wayyou'd say, sure, whatever.
There's an intentionality to it,a presence.
It makes you aware of who youare in this relationship and who
they are.
And when you do it consistentlyenough, that awareness becomes
(02:54):
part of how you move throughyour day together.
Now, this is where most peoplestart.
This is the classic beginnerprotocol, and there's a reason
for that.
It's because it works and it'saccessible and it doesn't
require any props orpre-planning.
You just have to say the word.
(03:15):
But I want to talk about wherethis protocol actually gets
hard.
Because it's not in the easymoments.
It's not when you're feelingcute and kinky and everything is
flowing.
That's when it's easy.
The title slides out naturally.
It feels good.
But the hard version is whenyou're frustrated, when you're
(03:37):
in a disagreement, whensomething happened and you're
not in a good headspace, and thelast thing you feel like doing
is referring to them by a title.
And here's a confession.
In the early days of ourdynamic, the second my partner
and I hit any kind of friction,the first thing to go was his
(04:00):
title.
I would go from yes, sir, toJay, his actual first name.
So like the dynamic justevaporated and I kind of just
stepped out of it.
And I get it.
When we're upset, we want to beequals in the argument.
There's something in us thatdoesn't want to be in a power
(04:23):
exchange in that moment.
We just want to be two peoplehaving a good-natured fight.
I understand that impulsecompletely.
But what I found over time isthat staying with the title,
even during conflict, actuallymade everything smoother.
It didn't fix it completely, butit made it smoother in terms of
(04:46):
how we came out on the otherside.
Because the title was areminder.
Like we chose this.
We trust each other.
Even right now, in this hardmoment, we trust each other.
I also started doing somethingduring conflict that helped me a
lot when I had something Ineeded to say, like something
(05:08):
that felt charged, something Iwasn't sure how to get out.
So I would start to ask forpermission to say it.
Like literally, I would say, mayI have permission to speak
freely, sir?
And I know that sounds militaryand formal.
And yeah, when I started doingit, it felt really awkward, but
(05:29):
it changed the whole feel ofdifficult conversations.
It signaled that I wasn't goingrogue.
And it gave my Dom a moment toprepare himself so he could
receive what was coming.
And it gave me a second to makesure I actually wanted to say
what I was about to say the wayI was about to say it.
(05:52):
So if you don't have titles inyour dynamic yet, pick one.
Talk to your partner, make itofficial, and then commit to
using it, especially in themoments it feels the hardest.
That's where it actually buildssomething.
Okay, protocol number two.
And this is genuinely one of theones I feel the most strongly
(06:14):
about because it has the powerto keep your dynamic alive, even
on the most ordinary, boring,busy, nothing special days.
So protocol number two is a goodmorning and good night ritual.
Now, before you say we alreadydo this, let me be clear.
(06:48):
Something that signals that thedynamic is on and that, you
know, you're saying to yourpartner, I see you, I'm here,
we're doing this.
In our dynamic, the morningritual has looked different at
different points in our lives.
Right now, when we're togetherand waking up at the same time,
(07:10):
it's physical.
So in the morning, I will kneelon the bed and I ask permission
to get out of bed.
And at night, it's kind of thereverse.
I kneel on the floor and ask forpermission to get in bed.
That might sound like a lot ifyou're early in your journey and
that's completely okay.
(07:32):
You don't have to start there.
You could start with a text.
So something short, somethingspecific, um, something that's
yours.
So it could be good morning,sir, how can I serve you today?
Or good morning, daddy, I'myours today.
Even just a specific phrase thatyou two have agreed on, the
(07:54):
words matter less than theconsistency.
The point is that you arestarting the day with the
dynamic front and center.
And I'll be honest, the dayswhere we've completely skipped
this, I noticed it.
We we feel kind of off.
Now, layered into this protocolis something that became
(08:15):
incredibly important to usduring a stretch when Jay was
working out of town.
So this is a daily report at theend of the day.
So the way I did it, so everyevening I would send him a
message.
It would include my mood, what Iaccomplished that day, something
I was grateful for.
(08:37):
Sometimes it was a paragraph,sometimes it was just like three
bullet points.
It didn't have to be elaborate,but it had to be honest.
And what that did, and what Ididn't fully expect it to do,
was it kept us connected in away that normal texting just
(08:57):
doesn't.
So normal texting is logistics,like did you eat?
When are you home?
You know, the kids need X, Y,and Z.
But the daily report at the endof the day was real intimacy.
It was me opening a window intomy internal world and handing
(09:18):
him the view of it.
And on his end, it gave himsomething to lead from.
He could respond with adirection or a reminder or a
question.
Sometimes he would just text meback and say, I'm proud of you.
All of those things landdifferently when they're coming
in the context of a structuredcheck-in versus just a random
(09:42):
message midday.
Also, I want to say thisprotocol is flexible.
If morning is chaos in yourhouse because of kids and work
and commutes, then maybe themorning piece is just a simple
text, and then the real rituallives at night.
So that's totally valid.
(10:02):
Design it around your actuallife, not an idealized version
of it.
But the question I want you tosit with is what is one thing
you can do every morning andevery night that says, I'm in
this dynamic with you today?
Start there.
All right.
Protocol three is the one thatgot me trolled.
(10:22):
And I have to say, the trollsactually helped me understand
something important about whythis protocol actually works.
So let me explain.
So protocol number three is thesub waits for the dominant to
begin eating before they starttheir meal.
I'm gonna tell you the trollstory.
I have to, it's it's too goodand too important not to.
(10:45):
So a while back, I mentioned ona previous episode that I wait
until my dominant starts eatingbefore I eat, and that this is a
protocol you can practice evenin public, even at a family
dinner, even with your kids atthe table, because it looks like
nothing to anyone on theoutside.
(11:05):
You're just sitting there,you're waiting, you're being
present, and then the commentscame in.
So there was a lot of them.
People were saying I was doingsomething sexual in front of my
children, and I made the classicmistake of responding to them.
(12:55):
I know better, I really do, butit's just in my nature that if I
think someone just doesn'tunderstand, like I want to
explain.
I want to say, here's what'sactually happening, and I hope
that once they understand it,they'll see differently.
So I said exactly that.
I said, we're sitting at afamily dinner table.
(13:18):
My husband picks up his fork,and I wait until he takes his
first bite before I take mine.
That is literally it.
There is nothing sexualhappening in my brain or his
brain.
I am watching him put salt andpepper on his food.
I am thinking about whether Iremembered to turn off the oven.
(13:39):
I am not in some kinky mentalBDSM space.
And their responses were, well,it's still sexual because you're
thinking about the dynamic.
And I just had to step backbecause no.
Waiting for someone to begineating before you do is a sign
of respect.
(14:00):
Hosts do it, guests do it inmany cultures around the world.
Adult children do it with theirparents.
It's a basic social practice.
The fact that in my case, italso carries the weight of the
DS dynamic does not make itsexual.
It just makes it meaningful.
(14:21):
But I think me trying to explainit in the comments and going
back and forth with them justmade it worse.
And then the algorithm picked itup because of the high
engagement, and they showed itto even more internet trolls.
But, anyways, here's what'sinteresting.
I've gotten so used to thisprotocol that I do it with my
(14:44):
kids now, too.
I don't take a bite until I seethem eating, and I've noticed
them starting to do the samething with relatives or with
their friends.
They just see it as beingcourteous because, like, that's
what it is.
So, why does this protocol workfor a DOM sub-dynamic
(15:04):
specifically?
Because it's a physical act ofsubmission that happens
sometimes multiple times a day.
Every meal is a reminder, everymeal is a quiet acknowledgement
of the dynamic that livesentirely inside your two minds.
Nobody at the table knows.
(15:26):
Your friends at Olive Garden orApplebee's don't know.
Your in-laws at Thanksgivingdon't know.
Only you two know.
And that private sharedawareness of your dynamic, that
is its own form of intimacy.
So if you want a protocol thattravels with you everywhere and
(15:46):
requires zero props and keepsyour dynamic quietly present
throughout your entire day, thatis it.
Now, protocol four is the onemost people think of first when
they hear DS protocols.
And there are two ways to do it,and one of them went hilariously
wrong for us.
(16:06):
I'll tell you which one andexactly what happened.
Now, protocol four, like I said,has two parts that connect to
the same idea.
So it's using clothing or aphysical object to anchor you to
the dynamic throughout the day.
So the first version is the DOMchooses what the sub wears.
(16:28):
This could be the full outfit,it could be one specific item,
like even a pair of socks or adress or an accessory.
It could be underwear, like yes,underwear, which is exactly what
we tried.
So in theory, it was super cute,super intimate.
(16:50):
The idea of my partner Jay, youknow, having that kind of access
to my morning, like I loved it.
But in practice, I am not aperson who gives herself enough
time to leave the house.
In fact, many a punishment hasbeen for me not being on time
when we have to go somewhere.
(17:10):
So picture this.
I am in my bedroom, I am fullynaked, and I'm holding my phone,
and I have photographed threedifferent pairs of panties and
sent them to my partner.
And now I'm just standing therewaiting for him to respond and
pick one.
And he is a grown man with ajob, he does robe construction,
(17:33):
so he's not just sitting by hisphone at 8 a.m.
waiting to dictate my underwearsituation.
So we retired that one, or atleast we adjusted it.
If you want to do this protocoland it sounds appealing, and it
is appealing to do it, justbuild in extra time.
(17:56):
So give yourself a buffer orpick the options the night
before and let your DOM choosethen.
You can make it work.
We just had to figure out thelogistics first.
Now, in the second version ofthis closed protocol, it's
wearing a symbolic item.
And it's the one I feel the mostdeeply about because this one
(18:21):
has no logistical complicationslike the underwear thing.
So with an accessory, you justput it on, you wear it, it's
there all day.
So for us, it's my collar.
I wear a day collar 24-7.
From the outside, it looks likea, you know, kind of like
(18:42):
delicate little necklace.
Like nobody gives it a secondlook, but I know what it is, and
my dom knows what it is.
And every time I catch a glimpseof it in the mirror or feel it
against my neck, it does thesame thing a title does.
It anchors me.
It tells me like I'm in adynamic.
(19:05):
I chose this, I'm his.
We also have a play collar thatis a completely different
energy.
It's thick black leather, it hasan O-ring, it can have rope
attached to it, um, differentextenders can attach to it, my
cuffs can attach to it.
It's a completely differentpurpose and a completely
(19:27):
different feel.
And one of my favorite protocolswe have, one that I didn't even
think of as a protocol at first,but absolutely is now, is that
before we start a scene or aplay session, Jay, my partner,
will put that collar on me.
He does it himself.
(19:48):
It's slow, it's intentional.
And in that moment, beforeanything else has happened,
there is a clear signal that weare crossing a threshold, that
the scene is beginning.
That act of him placing itaround my neck has become one of
my favorite parts of any scene.
(20:11):
It's a transition ritual.
And transition rituals matter.
They tell your nervous systemthat something is shifting.
They help you leave behindwhatever your day was and just
drop into the dynamic fully.
And that's the same for both theDOM and the sub.
(20:31):
So, for this protocol, if youhave a collar or a piece of
jewelry that holds meaning foryou, start wearing it or start
putting it on your partner.
And if you don't, talk to yourpartner about what that item
could be.
It doesn't have to be expensive,it just has to mean something to
(20:52):
you.
Okay, we're at the lastprotocol, and this is the one I
saved for last on purposebecause it is the deepest on
this list.
It asks the most of you, and I'mgoing to be really honest with
you about how we had to adjustit before it actually worked for
us.
So, protocol number five isasking permission.
(21:17):
This is the one that gets at thereal heart of power exchange.
And not because it's theflashiest or the most visible,
it's actually one of the mostinvisible from the outside.
But inside the dynamic, itchanges the shape of things in a
way that the other protocolskind of build toward.
(21:40):
So asking permission for what?
Well, that depends on yourdynamic.
In ours, there are a few thingsI ask permission for: spending
over a certain dollar amount,leaving the house, having a
snack that I hadn't planned on.
Like if I'm out and I want tograb a coffee or a sweet treat,
(22:02):
I'll check in first.
And orgasms.
I'm going to talk about that onespecifically because I think the
way we handle it is actually areally useful example.
So when we first set up thisprotocol, the the rule was
simple.
Ask before.
If I wanted to self-pleasure, Iasked for permission first.
(22:28):
And I struggled big time with itand more than I expected to,
because here's what wouldhappen.
My dom would be at work.
I'd reach out and text him andask.
And then even if he said yes, Iwould kind of spiral.
(22:48):
I'd be in my head thinking, ishe going to want an update?
Is he sitting there waiting tohear how it went?
Am I taking too long?
Is this weird?
Am I being weird?
And then I get so far into mythoughts that the whole thing
derailed.
And I would text him, nevermind, or false alarm.
(23:11):
There was performance anxiety ina situation that should have
zero performance pressure.
So we talked about it and wechanged it.
So now instead of asking before,I have to let him know after.
And that single Adjustment madethis protocol actually function
(23:33):
for us.
He's still aware, I'm stillpracticing transparency, he's
involved, the dynamic is stillintact, but I'm not derailed by
trying to navigate real-timeplay-by-plays and check-ins.
So I share that example, notbecause I think you should do it
(23:55):
the way we do it, but because Iwant you to understand something
about protocols that I think isreally important.
A protocol that isn't workingfor your dynamic is not a
failure.
It's just information.
It's telling you something aboutwhat you actually need versus
(24:15):
what you thought you needed whenyou set it up.
Protocols should be revisited.
They should evolve.
The goal is never rigid rulefollowing for its own sake.
The goal is presence andawareness, a continuous lived
acknowledgement of the dynamicyou've chosen.
(24:38):
And if the idea of askingpermission for something feels
like too big a jump right now,then start smaller.
Start with just letting yourpartner know.
So not asking, just informing.
Like, hey, I'm going to thestore, or I just wanted you to
know I had a snack.
(24:59):
I know a lot of people strugglewith asking for permission when
they used to be in verycontrolling relationships.
So changing it this way, you'reyou're still building the habit
of transparency.
You're still orienting youractions in the direction of your
partner.
(25:19):
That is the spirit of thisprotocol, even before you get to
the formal version of it.
What matters is that yourpartner has visibility into your
choices, that you're makingthose choices with the dynamic
in mind.
That's the whole point.
So here's what I want you totake away from today.
(25:42):
Protocols aren't just rules,they're the daily practice of a
dynamic.
And daily practice is what makessomething real.
Because a DS dynamic doesn'tlive in the big moments.
It lives in the small stuff, thetitle you use in the middle of a
heated discussion, the textbefore you go to sleep, the
(26:04):
pause at the dinner table, thecollar the sub wears while
they're out running errands andasking for permission or just
checking in, even if it's notsomething huge.
These five protocols are notcomplicated.
They're not extreme.
They're available to you rightnow in whatever stage of your
(26:26):
dynamic you're in.
So pick one, commit to it for aweek, then come find me on
social media or inside ourcommunity at
domsubliving.com/slash communityand tell me what happened.
I genuinely want to know.
And don't forget your freeprotocols list.
There's over 20 ideas.
It's completely free, and youcan grab it at
(26:48):
domsubliving.com/slashprotocols.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
But thank you so much for beinghere.
The fact that you show up andyou listen and you do the work,
that is exactly why I keepmaking these episodes.
So until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Sub Living.
If you've been curious about having a more
(00:02):
structured Dom Sub Lives channelbut have no idea where to
actually start, or if you'realready in a dynamic but things
feel a little stale lately, thisepisode is exactly what you
need.
Because today I'm giving youfive protocols that are easy,
meaningful, and doable that youcan use starting today.
(00:23):
Not someday, today.
Like today, today.
So let's get started.
Welcome to the Dom Sub Livingpodcast.
Hey, it's Alessandra, and thesefive protocols I'm giving you
are genuinely easy.
They don't require any specialequipment, and I'm going to walk
you through each one, sharewhat's worked in my own dynamic
(00:46):
and what hasn't worked and hasgone hilariously sideways,
because that's real life.
And one of these protocols, I'veactually had trolls come for me
about it online.
I'll tell you exactly whathappened and why I think it says
a lot more about them than itdoes about me.
But first, let's get yousomething you need.
(01:07):
Before we get into protocolnumber one, I want to make sure
you grab my free BDSM protocolslist.
It has over 20 ideas on it, waymore than what we're covering
today.
Go to domsubliving.com slashprotocols.
The links in the descriptiontoo.
Save it, screenshot it, write iton your hand if you have to.
(01:28):
It is completely free and it'spacked with a lot of kinky
ideas.
So that's domsubliving.com slashprotocols.
Okay, now let's get into it.
Let's start with the protocolthat sounds the simplest because
it is simple, but simple doesn'tmean it won't change things for
you.
So protocol number one is usetheir title.
(01:52):
So sir, ma'am, daddy, mistress,baby girl, little one, whatever
title fits your dynamic,whatever words the two of you
have agreed on, those words area protocol.
And if you're not using themconsistently, you are leaving
power on the table, basically.
(02:13):
Here's what I mean.
Every time the word leaves yourlips, something shifts.
It's tiny, it's quiet.
Nobody in the grocery storeknows it's happening, but inside
your dynamic, it's doing realwork.
It's an anchor, it pulls youback into the dynamic in real
(02:34):
time.
You can't say, yes, sir, the wayyou'd say, sure, whatever.
There's an intentionality to it,a presence.
It makes you aware of who youare in this relationship and who
they are.
And when you do it consistentlyenough, that awareness becomes
(02:54):
part of how you move throughyour day together.
Now, this is where most peoplestart.
This is the classic beginnerprotocol, and there's a reason
for that.
It's because it works and it'saccessible and it doesn't
require any props orpre-planning.
You just have to say the word.
(03:15):
But I want to talk about wherethis protocol actually gets
hard.
Because it's not in the easymoments.
It's not when you're feelingcute and kinky and everything is
flowing.
That's when it's easy.
The title slides out naturally.
It feels good.
But the hard version is whenyou're frustrated, when you're
(03:37):
in a disagreement, whensomething happened and you're
not in a good headspace, and thelast thing you feel like doing
is referring to them by a title.
And here's a confession.
In the early days of ourdynamic, the second my partner
and I hit any kind of friction,the first thing to go was his
(04:00):
title.
I would go from yes, sir, toJay, his actual first name.
So like the dynamic justevaporated and I kind of just
stepped out of it.
And I get it.
When we're upset, we want to beequals in the argument.
There's something in us thatdoesn't want to be in a power
(04:23):
exchange in that moment.
We just want to be two peoplehaving a good-natured fight.
I understand that impulsecompletely.
But what I found over time isthat staying with the title,
even during conflict, actuallymade everything smoother.
It didn't fix it completely, butit made it smoother in terms of
(04:46):
how we came out on the otherside.
Because the title was areminder.
Like we chose this.
We trust each other.
Even right now, in this hardmoment, we trust each other.
I also started doing somethingduring conflict that helped me a
lot when I had something Ineeded to say, like something
(05:08):
that felt charged, something Iwasn't sure how to get out.
So I would start to ask forpermission to say it.
Like literally, I would say, mayI have permission to speak
freely, sir?
And I know that sounds militaryand formal.
And yeah, when I started doingit, it felt really awkward, but
(05:29):
it changed the whole feel ofdifficult conversations.
It signaled that I wasn't goingrogue.
And it gave my Dom a moment toprepare himself so he could
receive what was coming.
And it gave me a second to makesure I actually wanted to say
what I was about to say the wayI was about to say it.
(05:52):
So if you don't have titles inyour dynamic yet, pick one.
Talk to your partner, make itofficial, and then commit to
using it, especially in themoments it feels the hardest.
That's where it actually buildssomething.
Okay, protocol number two.
And this is genuinely one of theones I feel the most strongly
(06:14):
about because it has the powerto keep your dynamic alive, even
on the most ordinary, boring,busy, nothing special days.
So protocol number two is a goodmorning and good night ritual.
Now, before you say we alreadydo this, let me be clear.
(06:48):
Something that signals that thedynamic is on and that, you
know, you're saying to yourpartner, I see you, I'm here,
we're doing this.
In our dynamic, the morningritual has looked different at
different points in our lives.
Right now, when we're togetherand waking up at the same time,
(07:10):
it's physical.
So in the morning, I will kneelon the bed and I ask permission
to get out of bed.
And at night, it's kind of thereverse.
I kneel on the floor and ask forpermission to get in bed.
That might sound like a lot ifyou're early in your journey and
that's completely okay.
(07:32):
You don't have to start there.
You could start with a text.
So something short, somethingspecific, um, something that's
yours.
So it could be good morning,sir, how can I serve you today?
Or good morning, daddy, I'myours today.
Even just a specific phrase thatyou two have agreed on, the
(07:54):
words matter less than theconsistency.
The point is that you arestarting the day with the
dynamic front and center.
And I'll be honest, the dayswhere we've completely skipped
this, I noticed it.
We we feel kind of off.
Now, layered into this protocolis something that became
(08:15):
incredibly important to usduring a stretch when Jay was
working out of town.
So this is a daily report at theend of the day.
So the way I did it, so everyevening I would send him a
message.
It would include my mood, what Iaccomplished that day, something
I was grateful for.
(08:37):
Sometimes it was a paragraph,sometimes it was just like three
bullet points.
It didn't have to be elaborate,but it had to be honest.
And what that did, and what Ididn't fully expect it to do,
was it kept us connected in away that normal texting just
(08:57):
doesn't.
So normal texting is logistics,like did you eat?
When are you home?
You know, the kids need X, Y,and Z.
But the daily report at the endof the day was real intimacy.
It was me opening a window intomy internal world and handing
(09:18):
him the view of it.
And on his end, it gave himsomething to lead from.
He could respond with adirection or a reminder or a
question.
Sometimes he would just text meback and say, I'm proud of you.
All of those things landdifferently when they're coming
in the context of a structuredcheck-in versus just a random
(09:42):
message midday.
Also, I want to say thisprotocol is flexible.
If morning is chaos in yourhouse because of kids and work
and commutes, then maybe themorning piece is just a simple
text, and then the real rituallives at night.
So that's totally valid.
(10:02):
Design it around your actuallife, not an idealized version
of it.
But the question I want you tosit with is what is one thing
you can do every morning andevery night that says, I'm in
this dynamic with you today?
Start there.
All right.
Protocol three is the one thatgot me trolled.
(10:22):
And I have to say, the trollsactually helped me understand
something important about whythis protocol actually works.
So let me explain.
So protocol number three is thesub waits for the dominant to
begin eating before they starttheir meal.
I'm gonna tell you the trollstory.
I have to, it's it's too goodand too important not to.
(10:45):
So a while back, I mentioned ona previous episode that I wait
until my dominant starts eatingbefore I eat, and that this is a
protocol you can practice evenin public, even at a family
dinner, even with your kids atthe table, because it looks like
nothing to anyone on theoutside.
(11:05):
You're just sitting there,you're waiting, you're being
present, and then the commentscame in.
So there was a lot of them.
People were saying I was doingsomething sexual in front of my
children, and I made the classicmistake of responding to them.
(12:55):
I know better, I really do, butit's just in my nature that if I
think someone just doesn'tunderstand, like I want to
explain.
I want to say, here's what'sactually happening, and I hope
that once they understand it,they'll see differently.
So I said exactly that.
I said, we're sitting at afamily dinner table.
(13:18):
My husband picks up his fork,and I wait until he takes his
first bite before I take mine.
That is literally it.
There is nothing sexualhappening in my brain or his
brain.
I am watching him put salt andpepper on his food.
I am thinking about whether Iremembered to turn off the oven.
(13:39):
I am not in some kinky mentalBDSM space.
And their responses were, well,it's still sexual because you're
thinking about the dynamic.
And I just had to step backbecause no.
Waiting for someone to begineating before you do is a sign
of respect.
(14:00):
Hosts do it, guests do it inmany cultures around the world.
Adult children do it with theirparents.
It's a basic social practice.
The fact that in my case, italso carries the weight of the
DS dynamic does not make itsexual.
It just makes it meaningful.
(14:21):
But I think me trying to explainit in the comments and going
back and forth with them justmade it worse.
And then the algorithm picked itup because of the high
engagement, and they showed itto even more internet trolls.
But, anyways, here's what'sinteresting.
I've gotten so used to thisprotocol that I do it with my
(14:44):
kids now, too.
I don't take a bite until I seethem eating, and I've noticed
them starting to do the samething with relatives or with
their friends.
They just see it as beingcourteous because, like, that's
what it is.
So, why does this protocol workfor a DOM sub-dynamic
(15:04):
specifically?
Because it's a physical act ofsubmission that happens
sometimes multiple times a day.
Every meal is a reminder, everymeal is a quiet acknowledgement
of the dynamic that livesentirely inside your two minds.
Nobody at the table knows.
(15:26):
Your friends at Olive Garden orApplebee's don't know.
Your in-laws at Thanksgivingdon't know.
Only you two know.
And that private sharedawareness of your dynamic, that
is its own form of intimacy.
So if you want a protocol thattravels with you everywhere and
(15:46):
requires zero props and keepsyour dynamic quietly present
throughout your entire day, thatis it.
Now, protocol four is the onemost people think of first when
they hear DS protocols.
And there are two ways to do it,and one of them went hilariously
wrong for us.
(16:06):
I'll tell you which one andexactly what happened.
Now, protocol four, like I said,has two parts that connect to
the same idea.
So it's using clothing or aphysical object to anchor you to
the dynamic throughout the day.
So the first version is the DOMchooses what the sub wears.
(16:28):
This could be the full outfit,it could be one specific item,
like even a pair of socks or adress or an accessory.
It could be underwear, like yes,underwear, which is exactly what
we tried.
So in theory, it was super cute,super intimate.
(16:50):
The idea of my partner Jay, youknow, having that kind of access
to my morning, like I loved it.
But in practice, I am not aperson who gives herself enough
time to leave the house.
In fact, many a punishment hasbeen for me not being on time
when we have to go somewhere.
(17:10):
So picture this.
I am in my bedroom, I am fullynaked, and I'm holding my phone,
and I have photographed threedifferent pairs of panties and
sent them to my partner.
And now I'm just standing therewaiting for him to respond and
pick one.
And he is a grown man with ajob, he does robe construction,
(17:33):
so he's not just sitting by hisphone at 8 a.m.
waiting to dictate my underwearsituation.
So we retired that one, or atleast we adjusted it.
If you want to do this protocoland it sounds appealing, and it
is appealing to do it, justbuild in extra time.
(17:56):
So give yourself a buffer orpick the options the night
before and let your DOM choosethen.
You can make it work.
We just had to figure out thelogistics first.
Now, in the second version ofthis closed protocol, it's
wearing a symbolic item.
And it's the one I feel the mostdeeply about because this one
(18:21):
has no logistical complicationslike the underwear thing.
So with an accessory, you justput it on, you wear it, it's
there all day.
So for us, it's my collar.
I wear a day collar 24-7.
From the outside, it looks likea, you know, kind of like
(18:42):
delicate little necklace.
Like nobody gives it a secondlook, but I know what it is, and
my dom knows what it is.
And every time I catch a glimpseof it in the mirror or feel it
against my neck, it does thesame thing a title does.
It anchors me.
It tells me like I'm in adynamic.
(19:05):
I chose this, I'm his.
We also have a play collar thatis a completely different
energy.
It's thick black leather, it hasan O-ring, it can have rope
attached to it, um, differentextenders can attach to it, my
cuffs can attach to it.
It's a completely differentpurpose and a completely
(19:27):
different feel.
And one of my favorite protocolswe have, one that I didn't even
think of as a protocol at first,but absolutely is now, is that
before we start a scene or aplay session, Jay, my partner,
will put that collar on me.
He does it himself.
(19:48):
It's slow, it's intentional.
And in that moment, beforeanything else has happened,
there is a clear signal that weare crossing a threshold, that
the scene is beginning.
That act of him placing itaround my neck has become one of
my favorite parts of any scene.
(20:11):
It's a transition ritual.
And transition rituals matter.
They tell your nervous systemthat something is shifting.
They help you leave behindwhatever your day was and just
drop into the dynamic fully.
And that's the same for both theDOM and the sub.
(20:31):
So, for this protocol, if youhave a collar or a piece of
jewelry that holds meaning foryou, start wearing it or start
putting it on your partner.
And if you don't, talk to yourpartner about what that item
could be.
It doesn't have to be expensive,it just has to mean something to
(20:52):
you.
Okay, we're at the lastprotocol, and this is the one I
saved for last on purposebecause it is the deepest on
this list.
It asks the most of you, and I'mgoing to be really honest with
you about how we had to adjustit before it actually worked for
us.
So, protocol number five isasking permission.
(21:17):
This is the one that gets at thereal heart of power exchange.
And not because it's theflashiest or the most visible,
it's actually one of the mostinvisible from the outside.
But inside the dynamic, itchanges the shape of things in a
way that the other protocolskind of build toward.
(21:40):
So asking permission for what?
Well, that depends on yourdynamic.
In ours, there are a few thingsI ask permission for: spending
over a certain dollar amount,leaving the house, having a
snack that I hadn't planned on.
Like if I'm out and I want tograb a coffee or a sweet treat,
(22:02):
I'll check in first.
And orgasms.
I'm going to talk about that onespecifically because I think the
way we handle it is actually areally useful example.
So when we first set up thisprotocol, the the rule was
simple.
Ask before.
If I wanted to self-pleasure, Iasked for permission first.
(22:28):
And I struggled big time with itand more than I expected to,
because here's what wouldhappen.
My dom would be at work.
I'd reach out and text him andask.
And then even if he said yes, Iwould kind of spiral.
(22:48):
I'd be in my head thinking, ishe going to want an update?
Is he sitting there waiting tohear how it went?
Am I taking too long?
Is this weird?
Am I being weird?
And then I get so far into mythoughts that the whole thing
derailed.
And I would text him, nevermind, or false alarm.
(23:11):
There was performance anxiety ina situation that should have
zero performance pressure.
So we talked about it and wechanged it.
So now instead of asking before,I have to let him know after.
And that single Adjustment madethis protocol actually function
(23:33):
for us.
He's still aware, I'm stillpracticing transparency, he's
involved, the dynamic is stillintact, but I'm not derailed by
trying to navigate real-timeplay-by-plays and check-ins.
So I share that example, notbecause I think you should do it
(23:55):
the way we do it, but because Iwant you to understand something
about protocols that I think isreally important.
A protocol that isn't workingfor your dynamic is not a
failure.
It's just information.
It's telling you something aboutwhat you actually need versus
(24:15):
what you thought you needed whenyou set it up.
Protocols should be revisited.
They should evolve.
The goal is never rigid rulefollowing for its own sake.
The goal is presence andawareness, a continuous lived
acknowledgement of the dynamicyou've chosen.
(24:38):
And if the idea of askingpermission for something feels
like too big a jump right now,then start smaller.
Start with just letting yourpartner know.
So not asking, just informing.
Like, hey, I'm going to thestore, or I just wanted you to
know I had a snack.
(24:59):
I know a lot of people strugglewith asking for permission when
they used to be in verycontrolling relationships.
So changing it this way, you'reyou're still building the habit
of transparency.
You're still orienting youractions in the direction of your
partner.
(25:19):
That is the spirit of thisprotocol, even before you get to
the formal version of it.
What matters is that yourpartner has visibility into your
choices, that you're makingthose choices with the dynamic
in mind.
That's the whole point.
So here's what I want you totake away from today.
(25:42):
Protocols aren't just rules,they're the daily practice of a
dynamic.
And daily practice is what makessomething real.
Because a DS dynamic doesn'tlive in the big moments.
It lives in the small stuff, thetitle you use in the middle of a
heated discussion, the textbefore you go to sleep, the
(26:04):
pause at the dinner table, thecollar the sub wears while
they're out running errands andasking for permission or just
checking in, even if it's notsomething huge.
These five protocols are notcomplicated.
They're not extreme.
They're available to you rightnow in whatever stage of your
(26:26):
dynamic you're in.
So pick one, commit to it for aweek, then come find me on
social media or inside ourcommunity at
domsubliving.com/slash communityand tell me what happened.
I genuinely want to know.
And don't forget your freeprotocols list.
There's over 20 ideas.
It's completely free, and youcan grab it at
(26:48):
domsubliving.com/slashprotocols.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
But thank you so much for beinghere.
The fact that you show up andyou listen and you do the work,
that is exactly why I keepmaking these episodes.
So until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Sub Living.
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