April 20, 2026 • 31 mins
#135 Still stuck at the same level in BDSM?
Getting better isn’t about more toys or tricks. It’s about mindset, consistency, and showing up with intention – whether you’re single or in a D/s dynamic. This is what actually creates growth.
Ready to level up your kink? Start applying these 8 things today.
➡️ Access the free Resource Library: https://domsubliving.com/free
➡️ Check out the All-Access Pass: https://domsubliving.com/allaccess
❤️ Join the All-Access Pass for community, coaching, and courses: https://domsubliving.com/allaccess
Listen
Watch
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Most people think getting better at BDSM just
means learning more techniques,more toys, more skills, more
knowledge.
And that's part of it, but it'sactually the smallest part.
The people who get really goodat this lifestyle, they do eight
specific things differently.
And today I'm walking youthrough all of them.
(00:21):
Welcome to the Dom SublivingPodcast.
Hey, I'm your host Alessandra.
And if you're new here, this isthe podcast for people who are
serious about their DS dynamicsand the kink lifestyle.
Not just curious, not justexperimenting, like serious.
We talk about real stuff here.
And in this episode, we aretalking about eight ways to
(00:43):
actually get better at BDSM.
And I want to ask you somethingright at the top.
What does it even mean to begood at BDSM?
Like, is it about thetechniques, the toys, the titles
you hold, Dom, sub, switch?
Is it about how long you've beenin the lifestyle?
Well, personally, I don't thinkit's any of those things, or at
(01:05):
least not primarily.
I think getting better at BDSMis about intention.
It's about showing up for yourpractice, the way you'd show up
for anything you actually careabout.
You show up with study, withconsistency, with community and
self-awareness.
So today I'm giving you eightactual real life specific ways
(01:28):
to do that.
So let's get into it.
Way number one, make BDSM youridentity.
Now, before you roll your eyes,hear me out.
Because I'm not saying tattoo iton your forehead.
I'm not saying you have to postabout it on your main vanilla
Instagram account.
I'm saying stop treating thislike it's a hobby you do
(01:50):
sometimes and start treating itlike a core part of who you are.
Because think about this arunner doesn't just run on race
day.
They think about running, theytalk about running, they watch
YouTube videos about running at11 o'clock at night.
They plan their weekends aroundtheir long run.
(02:11):
Running is a part of theiridentity.
And that means it's always ontheir mind.
It always gets attention andthey're always getting better.
They eat, sleep, and breatherunning.
And people who practice BDSM whoget really good at this
lifestyle, they do the samething.
They don't save it for specialoccasions.
(02:32):
They are in it, even on the dayswhen nothing kinky is actually
happening.
And for me, the moment thisshifted, like the moment BDSM
stopped being a thing I do andstarted being a part of who I
am, then everything changed.
My mindset changed.
The way I carried myselfchanged, the way I think about
(02:52):
my relationship changed.
Even on completelyvanilla-looking Tuesdays when
we're just eating dinner andwatching TV, there's still a DS
current running underneath it.
It's a dynamic, it's anawareness of who we are to each
other.
And one of the simplest, mostpowerful ways to maintain that
(03:15):
awareness is to wear somethingon your body that reminds you of
your role.
So for submissives, that mightbe a collar.
I have a day collar, but it canbe even a really subtle one,
something that looks like aregular necklace, you know, to
everyone in the outside world,but it means everything to you.
(03:36):
And for dominance, it might be abracelet, a ring, a specific
watch you wear, just somethingtactile, something that when you
touch it or you, you know, lookat it, you remember this is who
I am.
This is what I've chosen.
And then beyond that, consumeBDSM content intentionally.
(04:00):
So listen to podcasts like theone you're listening to right
now, but also read BDSM booksand online articles.
We have a ton of articles.
If you go todomsubliving.com/slash blog,
online communities and forums,watch movies.
My personal favorite for BDSMmovies is Secretary.
(04:21):
But the point is, the more BDSMlives in your mind and your
daily awareness, the more itgrows.
You cannot get better atsomething you only think about
once a month.
Okay, that was way number one,make BDSM your identity.
Way number two is learn both thephysical and the psychological
(04:44):
aspects of BDSM.
And I mean both.
So equally, because here's whatI see happen all the time.
People go deep on one side orthe other.
Like they're super into thetechnical.
So the gear, the techniques, thesafety protocols, they're
learning all the not charts, orthey're all in on the
(05:05):
psychological side.
So the power exchange, themindset, the emotional dynamics,
the way it feels.
And both of those things aregreat.
But if you only have one ofthem, you have half of a
practice.
Let's use wax play as an examplebecause I think it shows this
really clearly.
So on the physical side, youneed to know like what types of
(05:28):
wax are safe for skin.
So paraffin, soy, beeswax.
You have to know what's thedifference and why does it
matter.
You need to know from whatheight to pour.
You need to know which areas ofthe body to avoid.
And there are lots of them.
You need to know how differentskin types react to heat.
You need to know what first aidlooks like if something goes
(05:51):
wrong.
That's all physical knowledge.
And it's not something optional.
You can't skip that and callyourself prepared.
But then there's thepsychological side.
What is the submissive gettingfrom the experience of being
covered in hot wax?
What does the vulnerability ofthat feel like?
(06:12):
You know, the lying still,trusting completely while
someone pours something hot ontoyour body.
And then on the flip side, whatdoes the dominant feel when
they're holding the candle andbeing responsible for something
as primal as fire on anotherperson's skin?
What does that power feel like?
And how does it connect toeverything else in the dynamic?
(06:34):
Those are completely differentconversations, and you need to
have both of them.
So, some practical things youcan do, get certified in CPR and
First Aid.
I know that sounds like a veryunsexy thing to say on a BDSM
podcast, but do it anyways.
Know anatomy, especially for anyactivity that involves impact or
(06:57):
restraint.
Know what your triggers are,know what subdrop feels like and
how to manage that.
And if you're a dominant, knowwhat dom drop looks like too,
because it is real and it's notreally talked about.
The more you understand whatBDSM is doing to you and your
partner, like both physicallyand mentally, the more
(07:18):
sustainable and the more intenseyour practice becomes.
So ask yourself, if somethingwent wrong in your next scene,
whether it be physically oremotionally, do you actually
know what to do?
Like, not in theory, but whenyour hands are shaking in that
moment, do you know what to do?
That's the standard to holdyourself to.
(07:41):
So that was way number two tolearn both the physical and the
psychological aspects of BDSM.
Now, way number three is beconsistent.
And I mean actually do BDSMregularly, not just when
conditions are perfect, not justwhen you have a whole evening
(08:02):
blocked out and the house isclean and you're both in the
right headspace, like regularly,because just like a writer
writes and a runner runs a BDSMor BDSMs.
Okay, moving on.
But I want to be really clearabout what I mean by
consistency, because I thinkpeople here do it regularly and
(08:26):
they picture elaborate scenesevery week and immediately they
feel exhausted.
That is not what I'm saying.
I'm saying do something BDSMrelated at least weekly, and
that can be something verysmall.
Like learn a new rope tie, noteven use it, just learn it.
(08:47):
Practice a submissive position,even alone in your bedroom.
Send your partner a DS-relatedtext during the day, read a
chapter of a BDSM book togetherbefore bed, watch a how-to
video, have a conversation abouta fantasy.
Small things count.
(09:07):
Consistency is about keeping thecontainer alive, not having to
fill it to the brim every singleweek.
And I want to share somethingpersonal here.
There was a time in ourrelationship, um, I think a lot
of couples hit this, where lifejust got completely
overwhelming.
So we had a lot of work stress,some family stuff going on, just
(09:31):
the general chaos of beingadults.
And we let weeks go by withoutanything.
And then weeks became a couplemonths, and I noticed some
things.
So the dynamic started to feeldistant.
It wasn't that it was likebroken, it was just dimmed, if
(09:55):
that makes sense.
And getting back to it wasn'thard, but it required effort in
a way we hadn't done before.
We had let the fire go out, soto speak.
And relighting a fire from coldis a lot harder than just
keeping it going.
And that's what inconsistencydoes.
(10:18):
It doesn't kill your dynamicovernight, it fades it slowly.
And you don't always noticeuntil you're already standing in
a completely vanillarelationship, wondering what
happened.
So are you practicing BDSM orare you waiting for the perfect
moment to practice BDSM?
(10:38):
Because I'll tell you right now,that moment does not show up on
its own.
You have to create it.
So that was way number three, beconsistent.
And way number four is watchothers.
Here is something I have learnedfrom years in this lifestyle.
Some skills literally cannot belearned from a description, like
(11:01):
rope is the most obviousexample.
You can read about a chestharness for hours.
You can study diagrams and readstep-by-step instructions, and
you will still not fullyunderstand like the tension and
the feel and the movement untilyou watch a real person's hands
(11:22):
working through it in real time.
The same is true for flogging,for scene pacing, for the way a
skilled dominant reads asubmissive's body language,
because there's not obvioussigns, there's subtle ones like
the shift in breathing, the waysomeone's muscles soften or
(11:43):
tighten.
Those are all micro expressions.
And that is knowledge you absorbby watching, not by reading.
I remember my Dom went to hisfirst BDSM dungeon event in the
beginning of our dynamic.
And he went there as anobserver.
He wasn't there to play, he wasthere to just watch and learn.
(12:06):
And he came home like different.
And what got him wasn't thetechnique, it was everything
around the technique.
Like the way this person pacedthe energy, how they built it
slowly and deliberately, the waythey checked in with their
(12:30):
submissive without breaking theflow, the way the submissive's
(14:04):
whole body transformed or overthe course of the scene, how
they relaxed into it and trustedthe Dom completely.
He told me afterward, like, Icould not have learned that from
anything I've read.
I had to see it.
So if you haven't been to adungeon or a kink event, go.
(14:25):
You don't have to play, justobserve.
Go to dungeons that let peoplejust watch, attend demos and
kink conferences and eventswhere people who are experienced
players can demonstrate rope andimpact play and sensation play.
These are invaluable.
And if that feels like too bigof a step right now, start with
(14:49):
instructional video content.
And if you're an all XSPASmember, we have hands-on how-to
videos for rope, wax play,flogging, submissive positions,
and a lot of other things.
So consume content where you canactually watch technique, not
just read about it.
Because is there a skill in yourpractice that you have only ever
(15:13):
read about?
What do you think would changeif you actually watch someone
who had truly mastered it, ifthey did it live in front of
you?
So that was way number four,watch others.
Way number five is be part ofthe community.
And I mean this sincerely, butBDSM practiced in total
(15:35):
isolation is harder.
It's not impossible, but it'sharder.
It's harder to stay motivatedwhen you're just in your own
head and in your own bubble.
It's harder to grow when youhave no one to grow with.
And it's a lot harder to processthe rough patches that are bound
(15:57):
to come up when you're doing allof this alone.
So, like the scenes that gosideways, the dynamics that
shift and change, the difficultconversations.
You need friends to share thosethings with.
Community is a structuralsupport for your practice.
It's not a nice to have.
(16:19):
For me and my DOM, we go tomonthly in-person munches.
So a munch, if you're new tothat term, it's just basically a
casual meetup.
It's usually at a restaurant ora bar.
And it's just for people in thekink community to get together.
So there's no play, there's nodungeon clothes.
(16:39):
It's just kinky people havingnormal conversations in a
vanilla setting.
And honestly, it's one of themost valuable things we do for
our dynamic.
Not because anything dramatichappens there, but because we're
normalizing the effect of beingaround people who just get it.
I also want to share somethingthat one of my All Access Past
(17:02):
members said at our recentonline summit.
Her name is Angela, but I justwant to share it because it
really stuck with me.
She said that it was soimportant to have a group where
you can share your wins.
Because most of us can't shareour wins with vanilla people.
And it's nice to be aroundpeople who just get it.
(17:26):
I mean, think about that.
If you learned a new rope tiethis week, or you went to your
first dungeon, or you finallyhad a breakthrough conversation
with your partner about what youactually want in your dynamic,
you cannot call your vanillasibling and tell them that.
They might love you, but they'reprobably going to wince a little
(17:47):
bit.
They're not going to get it inthe way it deserves to be got.
But your kink community willcheer you on.
Your kink friends will celebratewith you.
And that is huge.
It improves your motivation.
It improves your sense ofbelonging and helps you continue
to grow in this lifestyle.
(18:09):
So find a local munch if youcan.
Join an online community.
You can join ours for free atdomsubliving.com/slash
community.
Go to events, attend our nextonline summit or boot camp, and
make actual kinky friends.
Not just people you follow onInstagram, not just people with
(18:32):
usernames like Daddy69 onDiscord, but people who know
you, who know your dynamic andwill show up for you.
So do you have one person rightnow, like just one person that
you can message after a greatscene and have them actually
understand why that mattered?
If the answer is no, that is thegap.
(18:55):
And genuine community fills thatgap.
So that was way number five, bepart of the community.
Way number six is debrief yourscenes.
And I know what you're thinking.
Of course, debrief when thingsgo wrong.
So do an after action review,talk about what happened.
Like, yeah, obviously, we knowall that.
(19:15):
But that is not what I meanhere, or at least that's only
half of what I mean.
Because here is the thing almostnobody does.
Debrief when things go right.
We are very good in thiscommunity at processing the bad
scenes.
We talk about what went wrong,we figure out why it went
sideways, we put protocols inplace to prevent it happening
(19:39):
next time.
That is important and we shouldkeep doing that.
But think about your lastamazing scene, like the one
where everything clicked, wherethe energy was electric and you
both came out of it glowing.
What did you do after that?
If you're like most people, likeyou probably basked in that
(20:00):
afterglow for a while, which is,you know, obviously the right
thing to do, but then you movedon.
You probably assumed you knewwhy it was great and you just
thought you could do it again.
But do you actually know why itwas great?
Well, here's what I've learned.
A lot of times, the reason ascene was incredible has nothing
(20:22):
to do with the implement youused or the position you were
in.
It's a lot more nuanced thanthat.
Maybe it was the time of day, itwas the mood you both walked
into the scene with, it wassomething specific that was said
during the scene, or it was thefact that you both had a really
connected week leading up to it,or that you had that difficult
(20:45):
conversation two days before andfinally cleared the air.
You don't know unless you ask.
Like unless you sit down evenfor five minutes during your
aftercare and just say, Whatworked tonight?
What would you want again?
What, if anything, fell off?
This can be a shortconversation, it can be a
(21:05):
journaling prompt you both doseparately and then share
together.
It can be a voice memo, eventhat you each record on the
drive home.
The format doesn't reallymatter.
What matters is the habit ofdoing it and doing it for the
great scenes, not just the hardones.
Because the debrief is how youturn a lucky great scene into a
(21:30):
repeatable great scene.
So that was way number six,debrief your scenes.
And way number seven is have amentor.
Now, I want to make adistinction here that I think is
really important because a lotof times people will ask me,
what's the difference between acoach and a mentor?
And I do use those two wordskind of interchangeably
(21:53):
sometimes, um, but they're notquite the same exact thing.
So a coach teaches you universalprinciples, like here's how
flogging works, here's theanatomy you need to know, here's
a framework for negotiating ascene.
That knowledge applies acrossthe board.
It's it's the same for everyone.
(22:15):
A mentor does somethingdifferent though.
So a mentor helps you take thoseuniversal principles and apply
them to your specific situationand your specific dynamic and
your personality, your history,your communication style, your
desires, and your challenges.
(22:36):
Because here's the thing BDSM isdeeply personal.
What works beautifully for oneperson can be completely wrong
for another.
And generic advice fromsomething you read on Reddit
only gets you so far.
There have been times in my ownpractice where I learned
(22:56):
something, understood itconceptually, even agreed with
it in theory, and then Icouldn't figure out how to make
it fit for us.
So CNC is a great example ofthis.
Um, consensual nonconsent isabout wanting to do things you
don't want to do, or if you'rethe DOM, wanting to force them
(23:18):
to do things they don'tnecessarily like.
That is just a very tiny way toexplain it.
But knowing what CNC is and howto do it doesn't Help me to
figure out how to navigatethings about my own traumas in
life, my own triggers, and notjust mine, but my Dom's as well.
(23:39):
So that's where a mentor comesin, someone who knows you, who
knows your dynamic and can say,like, given everything you've
told me and about where you areright now, here's what I'd try.
And honestly, sometimes it'sless about getting advice and
more about just having someoneyou can be fully honest with.
(24:00):
Like, not the version of yourdynamic you'd share in a public
forum, but the real thing, themessy, complicated, difficult
real thing.
Someone who gets the lifestyleand gets you.
This is actually one of thereasons we built one-to-one
monthly mentoring into our AllAccess Pass because I kept
(24:23):
seeing people who had all theknowledge, like who had taken
every single one of our coursesand they still felt stuck.
And it wasn't because theydidn't know enough, but it was
because they didn't have anyonehelping them apply what they
knew to their actual life.
So, who in your life can you bethat honest with about your
(24:44):
dynamic, not just with yourwins, but the real stuff?
If you don't have someone likethat yet, that's the next thing
to find.
So that was way number seven.
Have a mentor.
Now, before we get to numbereight, I want to share my free
resource library with you.
You can access it for free atdomsubliving.comslash free.
(25:06):
There's worksheets, templates,videos, checklists, everything
you need to start applying allof these different ways to get
better at BDSM right now.
Go get it.
It's free.
That's dumbsubliving.comslashfree.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
Okay, way number eight, our lastway to get better at BDSM, and
(25:27):
it is to know your why.
And I know, I know, I am abroken record with this one.
If you listen to this podcastregularly, you have heard me say
this before.
I keep saying it because I keepwatching people lose their way
without it.
So I'm going to keep saying it.
Why do you do EDSM?
(25:49):
Why do you want to be adominant?
Why do you want to be asubmissive?
Why do you want to be a part ofthis community?
And I want to challenge you,make it bigger than just, I want
to have kinky sex.
That's a fine answer too.
No shame in that.
But it's not going to sustainyou through the hard seasons.
(26:10):
And there will be hard seasons.
You will have fights with yourpartner that bleed into your
dynamic.
You will do a scene and it willbe awkward and weird and maybe
even bad.
And you'll get embarrassed andfrustrated or just feel
disconnected.
You will have a period of weekswhere life is overwhelming and
(26:33):
you can't make time for it, andthe dynamic just starts to drop
off.
You'll be nervous going to yourfirst BDSM event.
You will feel unsure of yourselfand exposed.
And sometimes all of this isjust too complicated.
It's too overwhelming.
Your why is what carries youthrough all of that.
(26:54):
It's the reason you keep showingup when showing up feels hard.
So let me tell you my why,because I think it helps to hear
an actual example.
So I am a submissive because Iwant to be the best version of
myself.
Like, period.
Submission for me is not aboutgiving up power.
(27:18):
It's about channeling it in adirection that makes me grow.
It makes me more intentional,more present, and more honest
with myself and with my partner.
And beyond that, I know it makesmy Dom happy.
Being in this dynamic andshowing up fully in my role and
in scenes, it's one of the mostmeaningful ways I know how to
(27:42):
love him.
It's a form of service.
It deepens our relationship inways I could not create in any
other way.
And then outside of the two ofus, the reason I do this
publicly, the reason I make thispodcast and run this community,
it's because the more I developas a submissive, the more I have
(28:04):
to give back.
The better I get at this, thebetter I am at teaching it and
mentoring people and creatingthe resources I wish I had when
I was starting out.
That is my why.
And it's bigger than any singlescene and any single bad week or
(28:25):
any moment of doubt ordifficulty that comes up.
So what is your why?
If you don't have the answerright now, that is totally okay.
But I want you to sit with thatquestion, write it down, talk
about it with your partner,because having your why at the
center of your practice is whatturns BDSM from a thing you do
(28:48):
into a life you build.
Because if someone took awayevery toy, every dungeon, every
technique you had, and all youhad left was just your DS
dynamic or just your role as aDOM or sub, would your why still
be enough to keep you here?
I hope the answer is yes.
(29:09):
I hope this episode helps youmake it a yes.
But that was the eight ways.
So let's run through themquickly.
So one, make BDSM your identity,wear it, consume it, live it,
even on the quiet vanilla days.
Two, learn both the physical andpsychological aspects.
You need both.
(29:30):
Not just the techniques, notjust the feelings, you need
both.
And then three, be consistent.
Do something BDSM related everyweek, even if it's something
small.
And then four, watch others.
So go to events, watch livedemos, learn from people who are
doing it in front of you, evenif it's on a screen.
(29:51):
And then five, be part of thecommunity.
Find your people, the ones whowill cheer your wins because
they actually get it.
And six, debrief your scenes,especially the good ones.
Figure out what made them greatso you can do it again.
And seven, find a mentor,someone who can help you apply
all of this universal knowledgeto your specific dynamic.
(30:15):
And eight, know your why.
Make it bigger than kinky sex.
Make it something that will holdyou on the hard days.
So now you have eight ways tonot just do BDSM, but to
actually get better at it.
Go do the work.
But before I let you go, acouple things.
So first, I have that freeresource library at
(30:36):
domsubliving.comslash free.
It has worksheets, templates,videos, checklists.
It has everything you need tostart applying these eight
different ways right now.
So go get it.
It's free.
That's domsubliving.comslashfree.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
And if you want to go deeper,like if you want to access the
(30:57):
hands-on how-to videos, themonthly one-to-one mentoring I
talked about, all of the vaultof different resources, that's
what the All Access Pass is for.
And you can find that atdomsubliving.comslash all
access.
Come join us.
Come share your wins.
Find your accountabilitypartner.
Find your kinky friends.
(31:18):
The door is open.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
If this episode resonated withyou, share it with someone in
the lifestyle who needs to hearit.
Leave a review if you're feelinggenerous.
It genuinely helps the showreach more people.
And until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom SomeLiving.
Most people think getting better at BDSM just
means learning more techniques,more toys, more skills, more
knowledge.
And that's part of it, but it'sactually the smallest part.
The people who get really goodat this lifestyle, they do eight
specific things differently.
And today I'm walking youthrough all of them.
(00:21):
Welcome to the Dom SublivingPodcast.
Hey, I'm your host Alessandra.
And if you're new here, this isthe podcast for people who are
serious about their DS dynamicsand the kink lifestyle.
Not just curious, not justexperimenting, like serious.
We talk about real stuff here.
And in this episode, we aretalking about eight ways to
(00:43):
actually get better at BDSM.
And I want to ask you somethingright at the top.
What does it even mean to begood at BDSM?
Like, is it about thetechniques, the toys, the titles
you hold, Dom, sub, switch?
Is it about how long you've beenin the lifestyle?
Well, personally, I don't thinkit's any of those things, or at
(01:05):
least not primarily.
I think getting better at BDSMis about intention.
It's about showing up for yourpractice, the way you'd show up
for anything you actually careabout.
You show up with study, withconsistency, with community and
self-awareness.
So today I'm giving you eightactual real life specific ways
(01:28):
to do that.
So let's get into it.
Way number one, make BDSM youridentity.
Now, before you roll your eyes,hear me out.
Because I'm not saying tattoo iton your forehead.
I'm not saying you have to postabout it on your main vanilla
Instagram account.
I'm saying stop treating thislike it's a hobby you do
(01:50):
sometimes and start treating itlike a core part of who you are.
Because think about this arunner doesn't just run on race
day.
They think about running, theytalk about running, they watch
YouTube videos about running at11 o'clock at night.
They plan their weekends aroundtheir long run.
(02:11):
Running is a part of theiridentity.
And that means it's always ontheir mind.
It always gets attention andthey're always getting better.
They eat, sleep, and breatherunning.
And people who practice BDSM whoget really good at this
lifestyle, they do the samething.
They don't save it for specialoccasions.
(02:32):
They are in it, even on the dayswhen nothing kinky is actually
happening.
And for me, the moment thisshifted, like the moment BDSM
stopped being a thing I do andstarted being a part of who I
am, then everything changed.
My mindset changed.
The way I carried myselfchanged, the way I think about
(02:52):
my relationship changed.
Even on completelyvanilla-looking Tuesdays when
we're just eating dinner andwatching TV, there's still a DS
current running underneath it.
It's a dynamic, it's anawareness of who we are to each
other.
And one of the simplest, mostpowerful ways to maintain that
(03:15):
awareness is to wear somethingon your body that reminds you of
your role.
So for submissives, that mightbe a collar.
I have a day collar, but it canbe even a really subtle one,
something that looks like aregular necklace, you know, to
everyone in the outside world,but it means everything to you.
(03:36):
And for dominance, it might be abracelet, a ring, a specific
watch you wear, just somethingtactile, something that when you
touch it or you, you know, lookat it, you remember this is who
I am.
This is what I've chosen.
And then beyond that, consumeBDSM content intentionally.
(04:00):
So listen to podcasts like theone you're listening to right
now, but also read BDSM booksand online articles.
We have a ton of articles.
If you go todomsubliving.com/slash blog,
online communities and forums,watch movies.
My personal favorite for BDSMmovies is Secretary.
(04:21):
But the point is, the more BDSMlives in your mind and your
daily awareness, the more itgrows.
You cannot get better atsomething you only think about
once a month.
Okay, that was way number one,make BDSM your identity.
Way number two is learn both thephysical and the psychological
(04:44):
aspects of BDSM.
And I mean both.
So equally, because here's whatI see happen all the time.
People go deep on one side orthe other.
Like they're super into thetechnical.
So the gear, the techniques, thesafety protocols, they're
learning all the not charts, orthey're all in on the
(05:05):
psychological side.
So the power exchange, themindset, the emotional dynamics,
the way it feels.
And both of those things aregreat.
But if you only have one ofthem, you have half of a
practice.
Let's use wax play as an examplebecause I think it shows this
really clearly.
So on the physical side, youneed to know like what types of
(05:28):
wax are safe for skin.
So paraffin, soy, beeswax.
You have to know what's thedifference and why does it
matter.
You need to know from whatheight to pour.
You need to know which areas ofthe body to avoid.
And there are lots of them.
You need to know how differentskin types react to heat.
You need to know what first aidlooks like if something goes
(05:51):
wrong.
That's all physical knowledge.
And it's not something optional.
You can't skip that and callyourself prepared.
But then there's thepsychological side.
What is the submissive gettingfrom the experience of being
covered in hot wax?
What does the vulnerability ofthat feel like?
(06:12):
You know, the lying still,trusting completely while
someone pours something hot ontoyour body.
And then on the flip side, whatdoes the dominant feel when
they're holding the candle andbeing responsible for something
as primal as fire on anotherperson's skin?
What does that power feel like?
And how does it connect toeverything else in the dynamic?
(06:34):
Those are completely differentconversations, and you need to
have both of them.
So, some practical things youcan do, get certified in CPR and
First Aid.
I know that sounds like a veryunsexy thing to say on a BDSM
podcast, but do it anyways.
Know anatomy, especially for anyactivity that involves impact or
(06:57):
restraint.
Know what your triggers are,know what subdrop feels like and
how to manage that.
And if you're a dominant, knowwhat dom drop looks like too,
because it is real and it's notreally talked about.
The more you understand whatBDSM is doing to you and your
partner, like both physicallyand mentally, the more
(07:18):
sustainable and the more intenseyour practice becomes.
So ask yourself, if somethingwent wrong in your next scene,
whether it be physically oremotionally, do you actually
know what to do?
Like, not in theory, but whenyour hands are shaking in that
moment, do you know what to do?
That's the standard to holdyourself to.
(07:41):
So that was way number two tolearn both the physical and the
psychological aspects of BDSM.
Now, way number three is beconsistent.
And I mean actually do BDSMregularly, not just when
conditions are perfect, not justwhen you have a whole evening
(08:02):
blocked out and the house isclean and you're both in the
right headspace, like regularly,because just like a writer
writes and a runner runs a BDSMor BDSMs.
Okay, moving on.
But I want to be really clearabout what I mean by
consistency, because I thinkpeople here do it regularly and
(08:26):
they picture elaborate scenesevery week and immediately they
feel exhausted.
That is not what I'm saying.
I'm saying do something BDSMrelated at least weekly, and
that can be something verysmall.
Like learn a new rope tie, noteven use it, just learn it.
(08:47):
Practice a submissive position,even alone in your bedroom.
Send your partner a DS-relatedtext during the day, read a
chapter of a BDSM book togetherbefore bed, watch a how-to
video, have a conversation abouta fantasy.
Small things count.
(09:07):
Consistency is about keeping thecontainer alive, not having to
fill it to the brim every singleweek.
And I want to share somethingpersonal here.
There was a time in ourrelationship, um, I think a lot
of couples hit this, where lifejust got completely
overwhelming.
So we had a lot of work stress,some family stuff going on, just
(09:31):
the general chaos of beingadults.
And we let weeks go by withoutanything.
And then weeks became a couplemonths, and I noticed some
things.
So the dynamic started to feeldistant.
It wasn't that it was likebroken, it was just dimmed, if
(09:55):
that makes sense.
And getting back to it wasn'thard, but it required effort in
a way we hadn't done before.
We had let the fire go out, soto speak.
And relighting a fire from coldis a lot harder than just
keeping it going.
And that's what inconsistencydoes.
(10:18):
It doesn't kill your dynamicovernight, it fades it slowly.
And you don't always noticeuntil you're already standing in
a completely vanillarelationship, wondering what
happened.
So are you practicing BDSM orare you waiting for the perfect
moment to practice BDSM?
(10:38):
Because I'll tell you right now,that moment does not show up on
its own.
You have to create it.
So that was way number three, beconsistent.
And way number four is watchothers.
Here is something I have learnedfrom years in this lifestyle.
Some skills literally cannot belearned from a description, like
(11:01):
rope is the most obviousexample.
You can read about a chestharness for hours.
You can study diagrams and readstep-by-step instructions, and
you will still not fullyunderstand like the tension and
the feel and the movement untilyou watch a real person's hands
(11:22):
working through it in real time.
The same is true for flogging,for scene pacing, for the way a
skilled dominant reads asubmissive's body language,
because there's not obvioussigns, there's subtle ones like
the shift in breathing, the waysomeone's muscles soften or
(11:43):
tighten.
Those are all micro expressions.
And that is knowledge you absorbby watching, not by reading.
I remember my Dom went to hisfirst BDSM dungeon event in the
beginning of our dynamic.
And he went there as anobserver.
He wasn't there to play, he wasthere to just watch and learn.
(12:06):
And he came home like different.
And what got him wasn't thetechnique, it was everything
around the technique.
Like the way this person pacedthe energy, how they built it
slowly and deliberately, the waythey checked in with their
(12:30):
submissive without breaking theflow, the way the submissive's
(14:04):
whole body transformed or overthe course of the scene, how
they relaxed into it and trustedthe Dom completely.
He told me afterward, like, Icould not have learned that from
anything I've read.
I had to see it.
So if you haven't been to adungeon or a kink event, go.
(14:25):
You don't have to play, justobserve.
Go to dungeons that let peoplejust watch, attend demos and
kink conferences and eventswhere people who are experienced
players can demonstrate rope andimpact play and sensation play.
These are invaluable.
And if that feels like too bigof a step right now, start with
(14:49):
instructional video content.
And if you're an all XSPASmember, we have hands-on how-to
videos for rope, wax play,flogging, submissive positions,
and a lot of other things.
So consume content where you canactually watch technique, not
just read about it.
Because is there a skill in yourpractice that you have only ever
(15:13):
read about?
What do you think would changeif you actually watch someone
who had truly mastered it, ifthey did it live in front of
you?
So that was way number four,watch others.
Way number five is be part ofthe community.
And I mean this sincerely, butBDSM practiced in total
(15:35):
isolation is harder.
It's not impossible, but it'sharder.
It's harder to stay motivatedwhen you're just in your own
head and in your own bubble.
It's harder to grow when youhave no one to grow with.
And it's a lot harder to processthe rough patches that are bound
(15:57):
to come up when you're doing allof this alone.
So, like the scenes that gosideways, the dynamics that
shift and change, the difficultconversations.
You need friends to share thosethings with.
Community is a structuralsupport for your practice.
It's not a nice to have.
(16:19):
For me and my DOM, we go tomonthly in-person munches.
So a munch, if you're new tothat term, it's just basically a
casual meetup.
It's usually at a restaurant ora bar.
And it's just for people in thekink community to get together.
So there's no play, there's nodungeon clothes.
(16:39):
It's just kinky people havingnormal conversations in a
vanilla setting.
And honestly, it's one of themost valuable things we do for
our dynamic.
Not because anything dramatichappens there, but because we're
normalizing the effect of beingaround people who just get it.
I also want to share somethingthat one of my All Access Past
(17:02):
members said at our recentonline summit.
Her name is Angela, but I justwant to share it because it
really stuck with me.
She said that it was soimportant to have a group where
you can share your wins.
Because most of us can't shareour wins with vanilla people.
And it's nice to be aroundpeople who just get it.
(17:26):
I mean, think about that.
If you learned a new rope tiethis week, or you went to your
first dungeon, or you finallyhad a breakthrough conversation
with your partner about what youactually want in your dynamic,
you cannot call your vanillasibling and tell them that.
They might love you, but they'reprobably going to wince a little
(17:47):
bit.
They're not going to get it inthe way it deserves to be got.
But your kink community willcheer you on.
Your kink friends will celebratewith you.
And that is huge.
It improves your motivation.
It improves your sense ofbelonging and helps you continue
to grow in this lifestyle.
(18:09):
So find a local munch if youcan.
Join an online community.
You can join ours for free atdomsubliving.com/slash
community.
Go to events, attend our nextonline summit or boot camp, and
make actual kinky friends.
Not just people you follow onInstagram, not just people with
(18:32):
usernames like Daddy69 onDiscord, but people who know
you, who know your dynamic andwill show up for you.
So do you have one person rightnow, like just one person that
you can message after a greatscene and have them actually
understand why that mattered?
If the answer is no, that is thegap.
(18:55):
And genuine community fills thatgap.
So that was way number five, bepart of the community.
Way number six is debrief yourscenes.
And I know what you're thinking.
Of course, debrief when thingsgo wrong.
So do an after action review,talk about what happened.
Like, yeah, obviously, we knowall that.
(19:15):
But that is not what I meanhere, or at least that's only
half of what I mean.
Because here is the thing almostnobody does.
Debrief when things go right.
We are very good in thiscommunity at processing the bad
scenes.
We talk about what went wrong,we figure out why it went
sideways, we put protocols inplace to prevent it happening
(19:39):
next time.
That is important and we shouldkeep doing that.
But think about your lastamazing scene, like the one
where everything clicked, wherethe energy was electric and you
both came out of it glowing.
What did you do after that?
If you're like most people, likeyou probably basked in that
(20:00):
afterglow for a while, which is,you know, obviously the right
thing to do, but then you movedon.
You probably assumed you knewwhy it was great and you just
thought you could do it again.
But do you actually know why itwas great?
Well, here's what I've learned.
A lot of times, the reason ascene was incredible has nothing
(20:22):
to do with the implement youused or the position you were
in.
It's a lot more nuanced thanthat.
Maybe it was the time of day, itwas the mood you both walked
into the scene with, it wassomething specific that was said
during the scene, or it was thefact that you both had a really
connected week leading up to it,or that you had that difficult
(20:45):
conversation two days before andfinally cleared the air.
You don't know unless you ask.
Like unless you sit down evenfor five minutes during your
aftercare and just say, Whatworked tonight?
What would you want again?
What, if anything, fell off?
This can be a shortconversation, it can be a
(21:05):
journaling prompt you both doseparately and then share
together.
It can be a voice memo, eventhat you each record on the
drive home.
The format doesn't reallymatter.
What matters is the habit ofdoing it and doing it for the
great scenes, not just the hardones.
Because the debrief is how youturn a lucky great scene into a
(21:30):
repeatable great scene.
So that was way number six,debrief your scenes.
And way number seven is have amentor.
Now, I want to make adistinction here that I think is
really important because a lotof times people will ask me,
what's the difference between acoach and a mentor?
And I do use those two wordskind of interchangeably
(21:53):
sometimes, um, but they're notquite the same exact thing.
So a coach teaches you universalprinciples, like here's how
flogging works, here's theanatomy you need to know, here's
a framework for negotiating ascene.
That knowledge applies acrossthe board.
It's it's the same for everyone.
(22:15):
A mentor does somethingdifferent though.
So a mentor helps you take thoseuniversal principles and apply
them to your specific situationand your specific dynamic and
your personality, your history,your communication style, your
desires, and your challenges.
(22:36):
Because here's the thing BDSM isdeeply personal.
What works beautifully for oneperson can be completely wrong
for another.
And generic advice fromsomething you read on Reddit
only gets you so far.
There have been times in my ownpractice where I learned
(22:56):
something, understood itconceptually, even agreed with
it in theory, and then Icouldn't figure out how to make
it fit for us.
So CNC is a great example ofthis.
Um, consensual nonconsent isabout wanting to do things you
don't want to do, or if you'rethe DOM, wanting to force them
(23:18):
to do things they don'tnecessarily like.
That is just a very tiny way toexplain it.
But knowing what CNC is and howto do it doesn't Help me to
figure out how to navigatethings about my own traumas in
life, my own triggers, and notjust mine, but my Dom's as well.
(23:39):
So that's where a mentor comesin, someone who knows you, who
knows your dynamic and can say,like, given everything you've
told me and about where you areright now, here's what I'd try.
And honestly, sometimes it'sless about getting advice and
more about just having someoneyou can be fully honest with.
(24:00):
Like, not the version of yourdynamic you'd share in a public
forum, but the real thing, themessy, complicated, difficult
real thing.
Someone who gets the lifestyleand gets you.
This is actually one of thereasons we built one-to-one
monthly mentoring into our AllAccess Pass because I kept
(24:23):
seeing people who had all theknowledge, like who had taken
every single one of our coursesand they still felt stuck.
And it wasn't because theydidn't know enough, but it was
because they didn't have anyonehelping them apply what they
knew to their actual life.
So, who in your life can you bethat honest with about your
(24:44):
dynamic, not just with yourwins, but the real stuff?
If you don't have someone likethat yet, that's the next thing
to find.
So that was way number seven.
Have a mentor.
Now, before we get to numbereight, I want to share my free
resource library with you.
You can access it for free atdomsubliving.comslash free.
(25:06):
There's worksheets, templates,videos, checklists, everything
you need to start applying allof these different ways to get
better at BDSM right now.
Go get it.
It's free.
That's dumbsubliving.comslashfree.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
Okay, way number eight, our lastway to get better at BDSM, and
(25:27):
it is to know your why.
And I know, I know, I am abroken record with this one.
If you listen to this podcastregularly, you have heard me say
this before.
I keep saying it because I keepwatching people lose their way
without it.
So I'm going to keep saying it.
Why do you do EDSM?
(25:49):
Why do you want to be adominant?
Why do you want to be asubmissive?
Why do you want to be a part ofthis community?
And I want to challenge you,make it bigger than just, I want
to have kinky sex.
That's a fine answer too.
No shame in that.
But it's not going to sustainyou through the hard seasons.
(26:10):
And there will be hard seasons.
You will have fights with yourpartner that bleed into your
dynamic.
You will do a scene and it willbe awkward and weird and maybe
even bad.
And you'll get embarrassed andfrustrated or just feel
disconnected.
You will have a period of weekswhere life is overwhelming and
(26:33):
you can't make time for it, andthe dynamic just starts to drop
off.
You'll be nervous going to yourfirst BDSM event.
You will feel unsure of yourselfand exposed.
And sometimes all of this isjust too complicated.
It's too overwhelming.
Your why is what carries youthrough all of that.
(26:54):
It's the reason you keep showingup when showing up feels hard.
So let me tell you my why,because I think it helps to hear
an actual example.
So I am a submissive because Iwant to be the best version of
myself.
Like, period.
Submission for me is not aboutgiving up power.
(27:18):
It's about channeling it in adirection that makes me grow.
It makes me more intentional,more present, and more honest
with myself and with my partner.
And beyond that, I know it makesmy Dom happy.
Being in this dynamic andshowing up fully in my role and
in scenes, it's one of the mostmeaningful ways I know how to
(27:42):
love him.
It's a form of service.
It deepens our relationship inways I could not create in any
other way.
And then outside of the two ofus, the reason I do this
publicly, the reason I make thispodcast and run this community,
it's because the more I developas a submissive, the more I have
(28:04):
to give back.
The better I get at this, thebetter I am at teaching it and
mentoring people and creatingthe resources I wish I had when
I was starting out.
That is my why.
And it's bigger than any singlescene and any single bad week or
(28:25):
any moment of doubt ordifficulty that comes up.
So what is your why?
If you don't have the answerright now, that is totally okay.
But I want you to sit with thatquestion, write it down, talk
about it with your partner,because having your why at the
center of your practice is whatturns BDSM from a thing you do
(28:48):
into a life you build.
Because if someone took awayevery toy, every dungeon, every
technique you had, and all youhad left was just your DS
dynamic or just your role as aDOM or sub, would your why still
be enough to keep you here?
I hope the answer is yes.
(29:09):
I hope this episode helps youmake it a yes.
But that was the eight ways.
So let's run through themquickly.
So one, make BDSM your identity,wear it, consume it, live it,
even on the quiet vanilla days.
Two, learn both the physical andpsychological aspects.
You need both.
(29:30):
Not just the techniques, notjust the feelings, you need
both.
And then three, be consistent.
Do something BDSM related everyweek, even if it's something
small.
And then four, watch others.
So go to events, watch livedemos, learn from people who are
doing it in front of you, evenif it's on a screen.
(29:51):
And then five, be part of thecommunity.
Find your people, the ones whowill cheer your wins because
they actually get it.
And six, debrief your scenes,especially the good ones.
Figure out what made them greatso you can do it again.
And seven, find a mentor,someone who can help you apply
all of this universal knowledgeto your specific dynamic.
(30:15):
And eight, know your why.
Make it bigger than kinky sex.
Make it something that will holdyou on the hard days.
So now you have eight ways tonot just do BDSM, but to
actually get better at it.
Go do the work.
But before I let you go, acouple things.
So first, I have that freeresource library at
(30:36):
domsubliving.comslash free.
It has worksheets, templates,videos, checklists.
It has everything you need tostart applying these eight
different ways right now.
So go get it.
It's free.
That's domsubliving.comslashfree.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
And if you want to go deeper,like if you want to access the
(30:57):
hands-on how-to videos, themonthly one-to-one mentoring I
talked about, all of the vaultof different resources, that's
what the All Access Pass is for.
And you can find that atdomsubliving.comslash all
access.
Come join us.
Come share your wins.
Find your accountabilitypartner.
Find your kinky friends.
(31:18):
The door is open.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
If this episode resonated withyou, share it with someone in
the lifestyle who needs to hearit.
Leave a review if you're feelinggenerous.
It genuinely helps the showreach more people.
And until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom SomeLiving.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by Audiochuck Media Company.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com