April 6, 2026 • 22 mins
#133 What do Dominants do that drives submissives crazy?
Real answers from the Dom Sub Living community reveal common D/s mistakes – from lack of follow-through to inconsistency, attention, and leadership gaps. Learn what breaks submission and how to fix it.
➡️ Join our free community: https://domsubliving.com/community
➡️ Show notes and more: https://domsubliving.com/133
Listen
Watch
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
So recently, inside our Dominic Living community, I
asked a very simple question.
What's something dominants dothat drives submissives
absolutely nuts?
And let me just say, you all didnot hold back.
We got over 60 responses insidethe community.
Some of them were hilarious,some of them were painfully
(00:22):
relatable, and a few of themwere the kind of comments where
you read it and immediatelythink, oh, somebody definitely
had a fight after that.
So today we're reading them.
It's going to be a lot of fun.
Welcome to the Dom Sub Livingpodcast.
Hey, it's Alessandra, and beforewe dive in, I want to say
(00:44):
something important.
This episode is not aboutattacking dominance.
In fact, if you're a dominantlistening to this, this episode
is actually for you becausestrong leaders want feedback.
Strong leaders want data.
Strong leaders want to know whatis actually happening in their
(01:05):
dynamic, not just what theythink is happening.
And like I said, these responsescame from actual people inside
my community.
And you can join for free atdomsubliving.com/slash
community.
I'll put a link to the actualthread too in the description in
case you want to peek and seewhat other people had to say, or
(01:27):
if you want to add your owncomments as well.
But when I asked submissiveswhat breaks their headspace,
what frustrates them, what pullsthem out of their submissive
mindset, I started to seepatterns.
Some of these are funny, some ofthese are small things, and some
of them are surprisingly big.
(01:48):
In fact, one of the pet peevesthat came up again and again was
nothing to do with what goes onin the bedroom.
It had nothing to do with kinkskills and nothing to do with
intensity.
And if you're a dominant, itmight be quietly undermining
your authority without you evenrealizing it.
(02:09):
But we'll get to that in a fewminutes.
First, let's start with one thatmade me laugh out loud.
So this is pet peeve number one.
This is Alexa.
She's actually a Dom Subtrainingmember.
And she said, getting my hopesup for a spanking and it doesn't
happen.
I mean, don't threaten me with agood time and not follow
(02:31):
through, please, sir.
So yeah, I think a lot of ushave been there.
I know a lot of submissives areprobably listening to that and
nodding their head.
And I've been there too.
Because anticipation is a hugepart of kink.
When my dominant says somethinglike, we'll deal with that
later, or you're going to get aspanking for that, or you're in
(02:54):
trouble, that createsanticipation.
It creates tension, it creates asensation of, well, what's
coming next?
And that anticipation can beincredibly erotic.
But here's the thing (03:08):
if you build anticipation and then
nothing happens, that tensiondoesn't just disappear.
It collapses.
And when it collapses, it canfeel deflating, almost like
emotional whiplash.
Have you ever had that happen inyour own dynamic where a
(03:29):
dominant kind of hints atsomething, maybe even promises
something, and then the momentjust kind of fades away.
Maybe they forgot, maybe theygot distracted, maybe they just
didn't follow through.
But the effect is the same.
The submissive was emotionallypreparing for something that
(03:50):
never came.
And the interesting thing hereis that this isn't just about
spanking, it's aboutcredibility.
Because every time a dominantsays something and then doesn't
follow through, a small crackforms in the frame of the
dynamic.
And if those cracks add up overtime, that's when submissives
(04:13):
start to feel uncertain.
Not unsafe, but just uncertain.
And uncertainty is one of thefastest ways to pull someone out
of their submissive mindset.
Now that brings us to anothercomment that builds on this same
idea.
So submissive pet peeve numbertwo comes from June.
(04:33):
She's a Dom Sum training memberas well.
And she says, I don't like itwhen I don't get the spankings I
anticipate for behavior or lackof doing something.
He knows I have an issue with mymemory, so he just says, That's
okay, don't let it happen again.
Not that I want spankings allthe time, but I do like being
(04:55):
spanked.
So see, it's not just me andAlexa who gets it.
A lot of submissives actuallylike correction, not constantly
and not excessively, butcorrection can reinforce
structure.
It can reinforce accountability.
It can reinforce the dynamicitself.
(05:16):
So when something happens thatnormally would lead to a
correction, and instead thedominant just waves it away,
sometimes the submissive is kindof left thinking, like, wait,
what just happened?
Was that a rule?
Was it not a rule?
Does it even matter?
And here's where this getsinteresting.
(05:38):
So a lot of dominants think thatbeing lenient is being kind.
I know my dominant has felt thatway before.
He's told me, like, well, I knewyou weren't feeling good, or I
knew you were stressed on thatday.
And sometimes those things aretrue, but sometimes leniency
actually creates confusionbecause if there are
(06:02):
expectations but noconsequences, are they really
expectations or were they justsuggestions?
Think about that for a moment.
If a dominant sets a rule andthe rule gets broken and nothing
happens, what message does thatsend?
Now this next comment takes theidea even further.
(06:25):
So this is submissive pet peevenumber three.
So this is Emily, another Domsub training member, and she
says, When he sets routines forme but doesn't punish or correct
me when I get off track, I getfrustrated.
So we're starting to see apattern here.
It's not about punishment, it'snot about harshness, it's about
(06:47):
consistency.
Because routines, rituals, andprotocols, those are all
incredible, powerful tools in aDS relationship.
So things like morningcheck-ins, daily rituals,
service tasks, rules, thesethings create structure, and
structure creates emotionalsafety.
But that structure only works ifit's consistent.
(07:10):
Imagine if you had a routinewhere every night your
submissive kneels for acheck-in, and some days you take
it seriously, other days you'rescrolling on your phone, some
days you engage deeply, otherdays you're distracted.
So over time, what happens tothat ritual?
(07:30):
Well, it loses its importanceand it loses its meaning, and
eventually it just stopshappening.
That's the subtle danger ofinconsistency.
It doesn't destroy a dynamicovernight, it slowly erodes it
one moment at a time.
Now, in a minute, we're going totalk about another pet peeve
(07:54):
that reveals somethingsurprising about brat behavior
because some submissivesactually want a reaction.
But before we get to that, Iwant to share one comment that
made me laugh and also made areally important point about
attention.
So this next one is from Willow,and they say, When we do our
(08:17):
morning check-in, I'm on myknees in front of him, and he
gives his attention to the dogwho is sitting outside on the
deck, giving him sad eyes.
I'm here and this is important.
For these three minutes, can youplease ignore the dog?
Like, yeah, ignore the dog.
Obviously, that's funny, butit's also incredibly revealing
(08:41):
because rituals matter.
If you created a moment whereyour submissive kneels in front
of you for a check-in, thatmoment carries emotional weight.
It's not just logistics, it'ssymbolic, it's about connection,
it's about presence, andpresence is one of the most
underrated aspects of dominance.
(09:02):
A lot of people think dominanceis about intensity or confidence
or authority.
But sometimes the most powerfulthing a dominant can do is
simply be fully present, to lookat their submissive, to focus on
them, to treat that moment asmeaningful.
But what I love about Willow'scomment is that she later added
(09:27):
something else.
She added, I didn't realize howmuch that bothered me until I
wrote it here.
I told him, problem solved.
So that's just such a beautifulreminder of something important.
Sometimes these pet peevesreveal something deeper.
They reveal needs, they revealexpectations.
(09:48):
And sometimes just talking aboutthem fixes the issue
immediately.
That's why I'm such a huge fanof journaling as a submissive.
Sometimes I'll be dealing withan issue and I'll write it out
and get it all out there.
And then I don't even need tobring it up with my dominant.
Other times I still choose totalk to him about it, but
(10:09):
because I wrote it all out, I'mmore clear about what it is I
didn't like and what I'd ratherhim do.
But that's not to say it willalways fix the issue, because
some pet peeves go a littledeeper than that.
And the next one involvessomething a lot of dominants
struggle with, brats.
(10:31):
Now let's talk about brats for aminute because one of the
responses we got revealssomething that a lot of
dominants misunderstand aboutbrat behavior.
Now, this next comment came fromAngela.
She is an All Excess Passmember, and she wrote, When Sir
uses that quiet, reasonable toneinstead of rising to my brat
(10:53):
energy, it's rude.
I want the reaction, it drivesme crazy, but also keeps me
grounded.
Same, Angela, same.
Now, if you're dominant though,you might read that and think,
well, wait a second, I thought Iwas doing the right thing by
staying calm.
And sometimes you are, but bratbehavior is really interesting
(11:17):
because bratting is often aboutprovoking energy.
It's about testing, it's aboutpushing the dynamic a little
bit.
It's about seeing what happenswhen the submissive pokes the
dominant, not maliciously, butconsensually and playfully or
(11:38):
strategically or sometimes justemotionally.
And when that brat energy getsabsolutely no reaction at all,
it can feel strangelyunsatisfying.
Think about it like this (11:52):
if someone tosses a ball to you and
you just stand there and let itfall to the ground, that
interaction kind of dies, right?
Bradding often works the sameway.
The submissive throws the ball,they push a little, they tease,
they challenge, and they'rewaiting to see what happens
(12:15):
next.
Now, sometimes the correctresponse is calm authority.
Sometimes the dominant stayingcomposed is exactly what brings
the submissive back intoalignment.
But the key question is, is thatcalm response intentional or is
it like disengagement?
(12:36):
Because those two things feelvery different.
If a dominant calmly redirectsthe dynamic while staying fully
present, that can feelincredibly powerful.
But if the dominant simplywithdraws or emotionally checks
out or refuses to engage at all,that can feel really frustrating
(12:59):
and sometimes like crushing.
Now, this actually connects tosomething another submissive
mentioned in the thread, and itreveals a deeper issue that
shows up in a lot of dynamics.
This comment came from Sinead,and it's something that comes up
a lot in coaching sessions withmy members.
(13:19):
She said, a dom who isinconsistent, one minute
grabbing you and wanting you togive yourself in, and the next,
it's like you have to makedecisions and plans and think of
solutions.
So yeah, I see that happen alot.
Because dominance is not justabout moments of intensity, it's
(13:41):
about consistency.
A submissive can't fully relaxinto their role if the dynamic
constantly changes tone.
If one moment the dominant isfully in control, and the next
moment the submissive issuddenly expected to take over
all the planning and decisionmaking, that can feel
(14:02):
disorientating.
It's like the rules of the gamekeep changing.
And when the rules keepchanging, it becomes harder to
trust the structure of thedynamic.
Now, this doesn't mean adominant has to control every
detail of life.
That's not realistic for mostrelationships, but the emotional
(14:23):
tone of the dynamic should feelstable.
It should be predictable,grounded.
A submissive should have a senseof where the dominant stands,
like what they expect, whatmatters, and what doesn't.
Without that kind ofconsistency, the dynamic starts
to feel shaky.
(14:43):
And now this next commenttouches on the same idea, but it
does it in a way that made melaugh out loud.
So this comment came fromKimberly, and she's an all
access past member.
She said, I'm not a rules guy.
Sir, structure is literally thejob.
Consistency is hotter thanintensity.
(15:05):
So oh my gosh, that linedeserves to be framed and hanged
up somewhere because it's such aperfect summary of what many
submissives actually crave in aDS relationship.
A lot of people assume thatdominance is about intensity,
big gestures, extreme scenes,dramatic power exchanges.
(15:27):
But for many submissives, whatactually creates the deepest
sense of submission is somethingmuch simpler.
It's structure, its consistencyand predictability, knowing what
the expectations are, knowingthat those expectations matter,
and knowing that the dominantwill follow through.
(15:48):
That doesn't mean every dynamicneeds a long list of roles.
Some dynamics are very minimaland that's okay.
Others are very structured.
But if a dominant openly says,I'm not a rules guy, that can
sometimes signal something else.
It can signal a reluctance totake responsibility because
(16:10):
structure requires effort.
It requires attention, itrequires follow-through.
And it requires the dominant toactually be dominant and
actually lead.
Now, leadership doesn't meancontrol over everything.
You don't have to be 24-7 totalpower exchange if you don't want
(16:30):
to, but it does mean owning thestructure of the dynamic.
Now, the next comment takes usinto a totally different
category altogether because thisone has to do with skill.
So this comment came fromDoreen, another All Access Pass
member.
And they say, we'll be in themiddle of a scene and I'm close
(16:53):
to climax, and then my DOMdecides to change how I'm tied
down, it interrupts my mindset.
Oh man, I think that wouldliterally kill me.
And my DOM knows better.
But this is a really importantissue because scenes rely
heavily on momentum.
(17:14):
When someone is deep inheadspace, and I'm I'm not just
talking about climaxes here, butI'm talking about if they're
deep in a headspace.
So it can be emotionally,physically, psychologically, but
that moment is incrediblyfragile.
The the brain is focused, thethe body is responding, and the
(17:36):
dynamic is following.
And if that flow getsinterrupted unexpectedly, it can
pull the submissive completelyout of that mindset.
Now, sometimes adjustments arenecessary.
Rope might need to be, you know,moved, something might not feel
right, and safety always comesfirst.
(17:58):
But the key lesson here ispreparation.
A well-planned scene usuallyflows more smoothly, and that
preparation can make a hugedifference in the experience for
both partners.
Because when the dominant isprepared, when the structure is
clear, when the pacing isintentional, the submissive can
(18:20):
relax more deeply into theexperience.
Now, the next pet pee I want toshare is one that speaks
directly to growth.
And this one might make somepeople a little uncomfortable.
So this comment came from Lil'Rabbit, and she wrote, when they
won't accept resources oreducation materials to better
(18:43):
themselves and their skills andthink they must know it all.
Spoiler, they don't know it all.
No DOM does.
But this one gets to the heartof something that affects not
just BDSM dynamics, butleadership in general.
The moment someone thinks theyalready know everything, growth
(19:04):
stops.
And dominance is a skill, justlike communication is a skill,
just like emotional intelligenceis a skill, just like scene
building is a skill.
No one is born knowing all ofthis.
Everyone learns, everyone grows,and everyone improves.
And the dominants who tend tocommand the most respect are
(19:27):
often the ones who are stilllearning, they're still
exploring, they're stillrefining their approach.
Because that mindsetcommunicates something powerful.
It communicates humility and itcommunicates dedication to the
dynamic itself.
I mean, my Dom is still learningand educating himself, and he's
(19:50):
been doing this for over adecade.
So if you're a Dom and you needresources and help, definitely
check out our free resourcelibrary at Domsobliving.comslash
free.
I'll put a link for that in thedescription too.
But when we zoom out and look atall of the responses from the
community, something reallyinteresting appears.
(20:12):
So most of these pet peeves arenot about extreme behaviors.
They're not about elaborate kinktechniques, they're they're not
about dramatic scenes, they'reabout something much simpler.
Follow-through, consistency,attention, preparation, and
growth.
(20:33):
Those five things showed upagain and again in the
responses.
And that tells us somethingimportant.
For many submissives, thefoundation of a satisfying DS
dynamic isn't intensity, it'sreliability.
Knowing the dominant means whatthey say, knowing the structure
(20:54):
of the dynamic is real, knowingtheir role is recognized, and
knowing the dominant is presentand engaged.
And remember, we had over 60responses to that one question.
And what I love about readingthrough them is seeing how
thoughtful people are abouttheir dynamics.
(21:15):
These are people who areactively thinking about their
relationships and reflecting onwhat works, communicating about
what doesn't, and learningtogether.
If you'd like to be a part ofconversations like this and
maybe even have your commentfeatured in the next Ask the
Audience episode, you can jointhe Dom Subliving community.
(21:36):
It's free.
You can find it atDomSubliving.comslash community.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
And if you enjoyed this episode,I'd love to hear from you what's
a dominant behavior that drivesyou absolutely nuts.
Let me know in the comments orcome join the conversation
inside our community.
(21:57):
Just remember consistency is Ishotter than intensity.
And when your submissive iskneeling in front of you, the
dog can wait.
Until next time, keep embracingyour power and pleasure through
Dom Sub-Living.
So recently, inside our Dominic Living community, I
asked a very simple question.
What's something dominants dothat drives submissives
absolutely nuts?
And let me just say, you all didnot hold back.
We got over 60 responses insidethe community.
Some of them were hilarious,some of them were painfully
(00:22):
relatable, and a few of themwere the kind of comments where
you read it and immediatelythink, oh, somebody definitely
had a fight after that.
So today we're reading them.
It's going to be a lot of fun.
Welcome to the Dom Sub Livingpodcast.
Hey, it's Alessandra, and beforewe dive in, I want to say
(00:44):
something important.
This episode is not aboutattacking dominance.
In fact, if you're a dominantlistening to this, this episode
is actually for you becausestrong leaders want feedback.
Strong leaders want data.
Strong leaders want to know whatis actually happening in their
(01:05):
dynamic, not just what theythink is happening.
And like I said, these responsescame from actual people inside
my community.
And you can join for free atdomsubliving.com/slash
community.
I'll put a link to the actualthread too in the description in
case you want to peek and seewhat other people had to say, or
(01:27):
if you want to add your owncomments as well.
But when I asked submissiveswhat breaks their headspace,
what frustrates them, what pullsthem out of their submissive
mindset, I started to seepatterns.
Some of these are funny, some ofthese are small things, and some
of them are surprisingly big.
(01:48):
In fact, one of the pet peevesthat came up again and again was
nothing to do with what goes onin the bedroom.
It had nothing to do with kinkskills and nothing to do with
intensity.
And if you're a dominant, itmight be quietly undermining
your authority without you evenrealizing it.
(02:09):
But we'll get to that in a fewminutes.
First, let's start with one thatmade me laugh out loud.
So this is pet peeve number one.
This is Alexa.
She's actually a Dom Subtrainingmember.
And she said, getting my hopesup for a spanking and it doesn't
happen.
I mean, don't threaten me with agood time and not follow
(02:31):
through, please, sir.
So yeah, I think a lot of ushave been there.
I know a lot of submissives areprobably listening to that and
nodding their head.
And I've been there too.
Because anticipation is a hugepart of kink.
When my dominant says somethinglike, we'll deal with that
later, or you're going to get aspanking for that, or you're in
(02:54):
trouble, that createsanticipation.
It creates tension, it creates asensation of, well, what's
coming next?
And that anticipation can beincredibly erotic.
But here's the thing (03:08):
if you build anticipation and then
nothing happens, that tensiondoesn't just disappear.
It collapses.
And when it collapses, it canfeel deflating, almost like
emotional whiplash.
Have you ever had that happen inyour own dynamic where a
(03:29):
dominant kind of hints atsomething, maybe even promises
something, and then the momentjust kind of fades away.
Maybe they forgot, maybe theygot distracted, maybe they just
didn't follow through.
But the effect is the same.
The submissive was emotionallypreparing for something that
(03:50):
never came.
And the interesting thing hereis that this isn't just about
spanking, it's aboutcredibility.
Because every time a dominantsays something and then doesn't
follow through, a small crackforms in the frame of the
dynamic.
And if those cracks add up overtime, that's when submissives
(04:13):
start to feel uncertain.
Not unsafe, but just uncertain.
And uncertainty is one of thefastest ways to pull someone out
of their submissive mindset.
Now that brings us to anothercomment that builds on this same
idea.
So submissive pet peeve numbertwo comes from June.
(04:33):
She's a Dom Sum training memberas well.
And she says, I don't like itwhen I don't get the spankings I
anticipate for behavior or lackof doing something.
He knows I have an issue with mymemory, so he just says, That's
okay, don't let it happen again.
Not that I want spankings allthe time, but I do like being
(04:55):
spanked.
So see, it's not just me andAlexa who gets it.
A lot of submissives actuallylike correction, not constantly
and not excessively, butcorrection can reinforce
structure.
It can reinforce accountability.
It can reinforce the dynamicitself.
(05:16):
So when something happens thatnormally would lead to a
correction, and instead thedominant just waves it away,
sometimes the submissive is kindof left thinking, like, wait,
what just happened?
Was that a rule?
Was it not a rule?
Does it even matter?
And here's where this getsinteresting.
(05:38):
So a lot of dominants think thatbeing lenient is being kind.
I know my dominant has felt thatway before.
He's told me, like, well, I knewyou weren't feeling good, or I
knew you were stressed on thatday.
And sometimes those things aretrue, but sometimes leniency
actually creates confusionbecause if there are
(06:02):
expectations but noconsequences, are they really
expectations or were they justsuggestions?
Think about that for a moment.
If a dominant sets a rule andthe rule gets broken and nothing
happens, what message does thatsend?
Now this next comment takes theidea even further.
(06:25):
So this is submissive pet peevenumber three.
So this is Emily, another Domsub training member, and she
says, When he sets routines forme but doesn't punish or correct
me when I get off track, I getfrustrated.
So we're starting to see apattern here.
It's not about punishment, it'snot about harshness, it's about
(06:47):
consistency.
Because routines, rituals, andprotocols, those are all
incredible, powerful tools in aDS relationship.
So things like morningcheck-ins, daily rituals,
service tasks, rules, thesethings create structure, and
structure creates emotionalsafety.
But that structure only works ifit's consistent.
(07:10):
Imagine if you had a routinewhere every night your
submissive kneels for acheck-in, and some days you take
it seriously, other days you'rescrolling on your phone, some
days you engage deeply, otherdays you're distracted.
So over time, what happens tothat ritual?
(07:30):
Well, it loses its importanceand it loses its meaning, and
eventually it just stopshappening.
That's the subtle danger ofinconsistency.
It doesn't destroy a dynamicovernight, it slowly erodes it
one moment at a time.
Now, in a minute, we're going totalk about another pet peeve
(07:54):
that reveals somethingsurprising about brat behavior
because some submissivesactually want a reaction.
But before we get to that, Iwant to share one comment that
made me laugh and also made areally important point about
attention.
So this next one is from Willow,and they say, When we do our
(08:17):
morning check-in, I'm on myknees in front of him, and he
gives his attention to the dogwho is sitting outside on the
deck, giving him sad eyes.
I'm here and this is important.
For these three minutes, can youplease ignore the dog?
Like, yeah, ignore the dog.
Obviously, that's funny, butit's also incredibly revealing
(08:41):
because rituals matter.
If you created a moment whereyour submissive kneels in front
of you for a check-in, thatmoment carries emotional weight.
It's not just logistics, it'ssymbolic, it's about connection,
it's about presence, andpresence is one of the most
underrated aspects of dominance.
(09:02):
A lot of people think dominanceis about intensity or confidence
or authority.
But sometimes the most powerfulthing a dominant can do is
simply be fully present, to lookat their submissive, to focus on
them, to treat that moment asmeaningful.
But what I love about Willow'scomment is that she later added
(09:27):
something else.
She added, I didn't realize howmuch that bothered me until I
wrote it here.
I told him, problem solved.
So that's just such a beautifulreminder of something important.
Sometimes these pet peevesreveal something deeper.
They reveal needs, they revealexpectations.
(09:48):
And sometimes just talking aboutthem fixes the issue
immediately.
That's why I'm such a huge fanof journaling as a submissive.
Sometimes I'll be dealing withan issue and I'll write it out
and get it all out there.
And then I don't even need tobring it up with my dominant.
Other times I still choose totalk to him about it, but
(10:09):
because I wrote it all out, I'mmore clear about what it is I
didn't like and what I'd ratherhim do.
But that's not to say it willalways fix the issue, because
some pet peeves go a littledeeper than that.
And the next one involvessomething a lot of dominants
struggle with, brats.
(10:31):
Now let's talk about brats for aminute because one of the
responses we got revealssomething that a lot of
dominants misunderstand aboutbrat behavior.
Now, this next comment came fromAngela.
She is an All Excess Passmember, and she wrote, When Sir
uses that quiet, reasonable toneinstead of rising to my brat
(10:53):
energy, it's rude.
I want the reaction, it drivesme crazy, but also keeps me
grounded.
Same, Angela, same.
Now, if you're dominant though,you might read that and think,
well, wait a second, I thought Iwas doing the right thing by
staying calm.
And sometimes you are, but bratbehavior is really interesting
(11:17):
because bratting is often aboutprovoking energy.
It's about testing, it's aboutpushing the dynamic a little
bit.
It's about seeing what happenswhen the submissive pokes the
dominant, not maliciously, butconsensually and playfully or
(11:38):
strategically or sometimes justemotionally.
And when that brat energy getsabsolutely no reaction at all,
it can feel strangelyunsatisfying.
Think about it like this (11:52):
if someone tosses a ball to you and
you just stand there and let itfall to the ground, that
interaction kind of dies, right?
Bradding often works the sameway.
The submissive throws the ball,they push a little, they tease,
they challenge, and they'rewaiting to see what happens
(12:15):
next.
Now, sometimes the correctresponse is calm authority.
Sometimes the dominant stayingcomposed is exactly what brings
the submissive back intoalignment.
But the key question is, is thatcalm response intentional or is
it like disengagement?
(12:36):
Because those two things feelvery different.
If a dominant calmly redirectsthe dynamic while staying fully
present, that can feelincredibly powerful.
But if the dominant simplywithdraws or emotionally checks
out or refuses to engage at all,that can feel really frustrating
(12:59):
and sometimes like crushing.
Now, this actually connects tosomething another submissive
mentioned in the thread, and itreveals a deeper issue that
shows up in a lot of dynamics.
This comment came from Sinead,and it's something that comes up
a lot in coaching sessions withmy members.
(13:19):
She said, a dom who isinconsistent, one minute
grabbing you and wanting you togive yourself in, and the next,
it's like you have to makedecisions and plans and think of
solutions.
So yeah, I see that happen alot.
Because dominance is not justabout moments of intensity, it's
(13:41):
about consistency.
A submissive can't fully relaxinto their role if the dynamic
constantly changes tone.
If one moment the dominant isfully in control, and the next
moment the submissive issuddenly expected to take over
all the planning and decisionmaking, that can feel
(14:02):
disorientating.
It's like the rules of the gamekeep changing.
And when the rules keepchanging, it becomes harder to
trust the structure of thedynamic.
Now, this doesn't mean adominant has to control every
detail of life.
That's not realistic for mostrelationships, but the emotional
(14:23):
tone of the dynamic should feelstable.
It should be predictable,grounded.
A submissive should have a senseof where the dominant stands,
like what they expect, whatmatters, and what doesn't.
Without that kind ofconsistency, the dynamic starts
to feel shaky.
(14:43):
And now this next commenttouches on the same idea, but it
does it in a way that made melaugh out loud.
So this comment came fromKimberly, and she's an all
access past member.
She said, I'm not a rules guy.
Sir, structure is literally thejob.
Consistency is hotter thanintensity.
(15:05):
So oh my gosh, that linedeserves to be framed and hanged
up somewhere because it's such aperfect summary of what many
submissives actually crave in aDS relationship.
A lot of people assume thatdominance is about intensity,
big gestures, extreme scenes,dramatic power exchanges.
(15:27):
But for many submissives, whatactually creates the deepest
sense of submission is somethingmuch simpler.
It's structure, its consistencyand predictability, knowing what
the expectations are, knowingthat those expectations matter,
and knowing that the dominantwill follow through.
(15:48):
That doesn't mean every dynamicneeds a long list of roles.
Some dynamics are very minimaland that's okay.
Others are very structured.
But if a dominant openly says,I'm not a rules guy, that can
sometimes signal something else.
It can signal a reluctance totake responsibility because
(16:10):
structure requires effort.
It requires attention, itrequires follow-through.
And it requires the dominant toactually be dominant and
actually lead.
Now, leadership doesn't meancontrol over everything.
You don't have to be 24-7 totalpower exchange if you don't want
(16:30):
to, but it does mean owning thestructure of the dynamic.
Now, the next comment takes usinto a totally different
category altogether because thisone has to do with skill.
So this comment came fromDoreen, another All Access Pass
member.
And they say, we'll be in themiddle of a scene and I'm close
(16:53):
to climax, and then my DOMdecides to change how I'm tied
down, it interrupts my mindset.
Oh man, I think that wouldliterally kill me.
And my DOM knows better.
But this is a really importantissue because scenes rely
heavily on momentum.
(17:14):
When someone is deep inheadspace, and I'm I'm not just
talking about climaxes here, butI'm talking about if they're
deep in a headspace.
So it can be emotionally,physically, psychologically, but
that moment is incrediblyfragile.
The the brain is focused, thethe body is responding, and the
(17:36):
dynamic is following.
And if that flow getsinterrupted unexpectedly, it can
pull the submissive completelyout of that mindset.
Now, sometimes adjustments arenecessary.
Rope might need to be, you know,moved, something might not feel
right, and safety always comesfirst.
(17:58):
But the key lesson here ispreparation.
A well-planned scene usuallyflows more smoothly, and that
preparation can make a hugedifference in the experience for
both partners.
Because when the dominant isprepared, when the structure is
clear, when the pacing isintentional, the submissive can
(18:20):
relax more deeply into theexperience.
Now, the next pet pee I want toshare is one that speaks
directly to growth.
And this one might make somepeople a little uncomfortable.
So this comment came from Lil'Rabbit, and she wrote, when they
won't accept resources oreducation materials to better
(18:43):
themselves and their skills andthink they must know it all.
Spoiler, they don't know it all.
No DOM does.
But this one gets to the heartof something that affects not
just BDSM dynamics, butleadership in general.
The moment someone thinks theyalready know everything, growth
(19:04):
stops.
And dominance is a skill, justlike communication is a skill,
just like emotional intelligenceis a skill, just like scene
building is a skill.
No one is born knowing all ofthis.
Everyone learns, everyone grows,and everyone improves.
And the dominants who tend tocommand the most respect are
(19:27):
often the ones who are stilllearning, they're still
exploring, they're stillrefining their approach.
Because that mindsetcommunicates something powerful.
It communicates humility and itcommunicates dedication to the
dynamic itself.
I mean, my Dom is still learningand educating himself, and he's
(19:50):
been doing this for over adecade.
So if you're a Dom and you needresources and help, definitely
check out our free resourcelibrary at Domsobliving.comslash
free.
I'll put a link for that in thedescription too.
But when we zoom out and look atall of the responses from the
community, something reallyinteresting appears.
(20:12):
So most of these pet peeves arenot about extreme behaviors.
They're not about elaborate kinktechniques, they're they're not
about dramatic scenes, they'reabout something much simpler.
Follow-through, consistency,attention, preparation, and
growth.
(20:33):
Those five things showed upagain and again in the
responses.
And that tells us somethingimportant.
For many submissives, thefoundation of a satisfying DS
dynamic isn't intensity, it'sreliability.
Knowing the dominant means whatthey say, knowing the structure
(20:54):
of the dynamic is real, knowingtheir role is recognized, and
knowing the dominant is presentand engaged.
And remember, we had over 60responses to that one question.
And what I love about readingthrough them is seeing how
thoughtful people are abouttheir dynamics.
(21:15):
These are people who areactively thinking about their
relationships and reflecting onwhat works, communicating about
what doesn't, and learningtogether.
If you'd like to be a part ofconversations like this and
maybe even have your commentfeatured in the next Ask the
Audience episode, you can jointhe Dom Subliving community.
(21:36):
It's free.
You can find it atDomSubliving.comslash community.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
And if you enjoyed this episode,I'd love to hear from you what's
a dominant behavior that drivesyou absolutely nuts.
Let me know in the comments orcome join the conversation
inside our community.
(21:57):
Just remember consistency is Ishotter than intensity.
And when your submissive iskneeling in front of you, the
dog can wait.
Until next time, keep embracingyour power and pleasure through
Dom Sub-Living.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by Audiochuck Media Company.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com