July 20, 2026 • 21 mins
#147 Free use sounds simple... until you actually try to build it. In this episode, We explain what free use and blanket consent really mean, how they work together, and the signs your relationship is ready for this level of trust. Listen now to find out if your relationship is truly ready for free use.
➡️ Download your free BDSM contract: https://domsubliving.com/contract
➡️ Show notes and more: https://domsubliving.com/147
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Free use is probably one of the most misunderstood
dynamics in BDSM.
Some people think it'sincredibly romantic, and other
people think it's automaticallyabusive.
The truth is, both sides usuallymiss the one thing that
determines whether yourrelationship is actually ready
for it.
So let's talk about it.
(00:20):
Welcome to the Dom Sub-Livingpodcast.
Hey, it's Alessandra, and todaywe're talking about what free
use is, what blanket consentactually means, how they work
together, and how to figure outif your relationship is ready
for it.
Because not every DS dynamic is,and that's okay.
(00:42):
Also, I'm going to walk youthrough a free BDSM contract you
can actually download and use.
It's one of the best tools Ihave for people who want to set
this up the right way.
I'll tell you exactly where tograb it.
But first of all, what is freeuse?
Well, let's start with thedefinition because I want us all
(01:03):
to be talking about the samething before we go anywhere
else.
Free use is a dynamic where thesubmissive makes themselves
available to their dominant atany time for whatever the DOM
wants without needing to beasked and without in the moment
negotiation happening everysingle time.
(01:26):
Think of it like a standingagreement.
The sub has basically said inadvance, you have access to me.
And the DOM can act on that.
So during a movie in thekitchen, first thing in the
morning, it doesn't matter.
And they can do it withoutstopping to check in like it's a
(01:50):
new request each time.
Now let me tell you what it isnot, because this is extremely
important.
It is not anything goes, nolimits, no expectations.
It is not permission for a DOMto ignore hard limits.
It is not a dynamic where thesub loses their voice.
(02:12):
And it is absolutely notsomething that happens without a
real intentional conversationfirst.
Free use is not a loophole, it'san agreement, and it's a
specific one with actualparameters.
And we're going to talk aboutwhat exactly those look like.
(02:34):
But when this concept first cameup between me and my partner, my
DOM, the first reaction I hadwhen I heard it was that sounds
intense.
I was intrigued, but a littlenervous.
Like I was worried that free usewould become overuse.
(02:54):
I really had to sit with theidea of it and have a lot of
conversations with him aboutwhat that would actually look
like in our relationship.
Because can you think of adynamic that sounds more
vulnerable than this one, whereyou're telling someone like, I'm
here whenever you want me, noasking, no waiting.
(03:18):
That takes a level of trust thatmost people, even inside the
lifestyle, they don't buildovernight.
And that's the point.
This isn't something you jumpinto, it's something you build
towards um deliberately.
Now, here's where most peopleget it wrong.
(03:38):
Free use without a specificfoundation in place first isn't
kink.
It's it's chaos, really.
And the thing that creates thatfoundation has an actual name,
and that's what we're going toget into right now.
So the foundation is calledblanket consent, and this is the
(04:00):
piece that makes everything elsework.
Blanket consent is apre-negotiated agreement.
Um, usually it's written down,and it's where both partners
decide in advance what is andisn't on the table.
Instead of negotiating eachindividual thing you do from
(04:23):
scratch, you just have onecomprehensive conversation, and
that agreement covers everythingwithin the parameters you set
together going forward.
So here's a simple way topicture it.
So you're building a container.
You're not saying yes toeverything, you're saying yes to
(04:45):
these specific things, and thatyes stays in place until you
decide together that you canchange it.
There can be exceptions to allof these things and also other
rules in place.
And this is different than a lotof BDSM relationships, um,
especially newer ones whereconsent gets negotiated kind of
(05:08):
scene by scene.
Like tonight we're doing XYZ.
Are you okay with that?
And scene by scene consent isgreat, it works.
I'm a huge fan, and that's whatI teach the majority of my
students and clients.
But blanket consent kind ofshifts that to we've already
(05:28):
talked about X, Y, and Z, andthey're in our agreement.
So when they happen, we don'tneed to pause and negotiate
every time.
That change is where the freeuse dynamic lives.
The sub has already said yes tothe, you know, shape of the
relationship.
The DOM already knows theboundaries, so they can act
(05:51):
within those boundaries freely.
And the sub can receive thatwithout hesitation, without the
pause that breaks the moment.
So, what does a solid blanketconsent agreement cover?
Well, it covers a lot of things,and if you want to see it all
and have your own agreement orcontract to follow along, you
(06:15):
can download ours for free atdom subliving.com slash
contract.
It's the exact one my Dom and Iuse.
But a good blanket consentagreement covers hard limits.
So the things that arecompletely off the table, like
no exceptions, no matter whatmood anyone's in, no matter how
deep in a dynamic you are.
(06:37):
It also covers soft limits, sothings that are on the table,
but they take a little bit ofcare.
They require the DOM to bepaying attention, reading the
subs, like current state, andyou know, not just assuming the
green light is always on.
It covers pre-approvedactivities.
So the things that are fullyopened, like no hesitation
(07:00):
needed.
It also covers time and context.
So is free use happening 24-7 oronly during evenings or only at
home or not during work calls,not when we're sick or having a
hard mental health day.
These specific things mattermore than people expect.
(07:22):
Um, it also covers safe words,which are still in place,
always.
This is the thing I want to saytwice, so I will.
Safe words do not go away withblanket consent.
Blanket consent means you don'thave to negotiate before every
encounter.
The safe word means you canstill stop any encounter.
(07:46):
Those are two completelydifferent things.
If if someone tells you blanketconsent replaces safe words,
walk away from that person.
Now, does this sound like a lotof work up front?
Yes, it is.
But ask yourself, is it moreexhausting to have the same
half-finished conversation everytime you want to explore
(08:08):
something?
Most couples who've done thework up front will tell you,
like, it's not even close.
When my Dom and I had theconversation about free use and
we did our contract, it did feelawkward at first.
It kind of felt weird and overlyformal, you know, especially
because we had already beenmarried for many, many years.
(08:32):
But what surprised me when weactually sat down and talked
through it was that we actuallywanted a lot of the same things.
It was kind of hard to finallysay these things out loud, um,
especially because at the timewe were both part of a very
strict high control religion.
(08:54):
So saying these things out loudand putting them down on paper
did bring up a lot of shame thatI had to work through, but it
was so, so worth it.
So later on in the podcast, I'mgoing to walk you through the
actual conversation you need tohave before any of this starts.
And I'll tell you about onepiece of it that surprises
(09:16):
almost everyone when they hearit.
But first, how do free use andblanket consent work together in
real life?
Because you understand bothconcepts separately now, but
let's talk about why they belongtogether and what it actually
looks like when a couple has setthis up well.
(09:38):
So, free use is the dynamic.
You'll hear people even use thisterm, like we have a free use
dynamic.
And then blanket consent is whatmakes it ethical and
sustainable.
You cannot have healthy free usewithout blanket consent.
I mean that.
(09:59):
If there's no agreement, there'sno dynamic.
There's just, you know, someonedeciding on their own what
they're allowed to do.
And that's a completelydifferent thing.
The way I think about it isblanket consent is, you know,
kind of like the contract,basically, the agreement.
(10:20):
But free use is what happensinside that contract.
Um, let me give you a fewexamples of what this looks like
in my real life.
So picture a Sunday afternoon.
I'm in the kitchen doing dishes,and my dom walks in, you know,
says nothing, and just, youknow, takes what they want.
(10:44):
I don't feel caught off guard.
I don't feel like something isbeing done to me.
I actually feel wanted and Ifeel needed.
I feel like I'm living exactlyinside the relationship we chose
because we did choose it.
We negotiated it.
I said yes to this version of mylife.
(11:06):
That's free use working the wayit's supposed to work.
Now, for the dominance, thisdynamic is not an easy one.
It actually asks more of you,not less.
You have to read your substatelike constantly.
You have to honor the limits youagree to, even when you're in
(11:28):
the middle of a moment.
You have to continuously earnthe trust that makes this kind
of openness possible in thefirst place.
Free use under blanket consentis not a passive thing for Adam
to hold.
What would it feel like to havea relationship where the trust
(11:49):
is so solid that you don't needto stop and negotiate every
moment, where the yes is alreadythere and you both just get to
live inside of it.
That's what we're talking aboutbuilding.
I'll give you an example in myown dynamic where this just
worked exactly like it wassupposed to.
(12:10):
So, Jay, my Dom, he had been atwork.
I had texted him earlier in theday saying that I was, you know,
I thought I was getting amigraine.
And he, you know, told me tokeep him updated.
He ended up having a really hardand stressful day at work.
And he came home and he askedme, like, how's your headache
(12:33):
doing?
And I said it's a lot better andwent away and that it didn't
turn into a migraine.
So I was really happy becausemigraines can leave me like
incapacitated where I can't doanything.
But I told him how it basicallywent away on its own.
And he said, good, because hehad a really stressful day and
(12:56):
he wanted to take it out on me.
He told me to go in the bedroomwith him, and that way he can,
you know, use me as his sub.
And that just really felt likeproof to me that we had built
something real together becausehe was still considerate of me,
but I was able to still be ofuse to him and help him when he
(13:20):
had a stressful day at work.
So that is just one example ofwhat it looks like in practice.
But now I'm going to walk youthrough the specific steps to
get this type of dynamic set up.
And I'll be honest about thesigns that your relationship
might not be ready yet.
All right, so let's say you'resold on all of this, you're
(13:42):
like, heck yeah, I want to getstarted.
Well, where do you actuallystart?
Well, step one, get clear onyour own desires first.
So before you bring your partnerinto it.
So if you're the sub, what is itabout free use that appeals to
you?
Is it the feeling of beingwanted without having to ask?
(14:03):
Or the sense of being chosen orthe you know removal of constant
negotiation?
Get specific about what you'reactually drawn to.
And if you're the DOM, samequestion.
What do you want this to feellike?
What draws you to this dynamicspecifically?
(14:23):
And for both of you, like whatare your hard limits?
What are the times or you know,context where this shouldn't
apply?
Be honest with yourself beforeyou try to be honest with each
other.
And then step two, don't try tonegotiate your entire blanket
(14:45):
consent agreement in onesitting.
That's a lot to put on oneconversation.
So you can just start with asimple question, something, you
know, like, you know, I've beenthinking about free use, like
what's your gut reaction to thatidea?
Then give your partner time tosit with it before you need an
(15:07):
answer from them.
And if they don't even know whatfree use is, share this episode
with them.
And then step three, build theblanket consent agreement
together and write it down.
And I know that feels cheesy tosome people, but having it in
writing means you both have thesame memory of what you agreed
(15:30):
to.
Like, there's no, like, Ithought you meant this, like six
months in.
There's no confusion in themiddle of a moment.
And it means you can revisit itover time and expand on it,
which is really exciting becauseit means your dynamic gets to
grow.
Now, before I get to step four,if you forgot everything your
(15:53):
agreement is supposed to cover,just download our free contract
at domsubliving.com/slashcontract.
It gives you a real framework tostart from.
It's not a one size fits alldocument.
It's just a starting point, butit covers all the major
categories that you'd want toaddress.
And you can customize itcompletely for your dynamic.
(16:15):
It gives you language for thingsthat are genuinely hard to put
into words.
So go grab it atdomsubliving.com/slash contract.
The link is in the descriptiontoo, and it's completely free.
Now, step four is practicebefore you go all in.
So start with something limited,like, you know, let's try free
(16:37):
use for two weeks or you know,weekends only, and then check
in.
Like that's it.
No pressure for it to bepermanent, no feeling like you
have to have everything figuredout before you begin.
A trial period gives you realdata about what it feels like in
practice versus how it soundedin theory.
(16:59):
And I promise you, those twothings can be completely
different.
Now, here is the big questionwe've been building towards.
Is your relationship actuallyready for free use under blanket
consent?
And here's my honest answer.
Not every DS dynamic is.
(17:20):
And there's no shame in that.
This kind of dynamic asks for aspecific level of trust and
communication that takes realtime to build.
Rushing it doesn't make you morecommitted, it just creates
problems that didn't need toexist.
I've seen it many times and hadto help many couples do damage
(17:40):
control.
But here are some signs thatyour relationship is ready.
So you have a safe word systemthat you've actually used, like
not just agreed to in theory.
So if you've never used yoursafe word or your partner hasn't
either, that doesn't mean thedynamic isn't working, but it
does mean you don't yet havereal data about what happens
(18:04):
when you do.
Another positive sign is you'venavigated at least one difficult
conversation about wants andneeds and came out of it
stronger.
Um, and I'm not talking aboutjust that first negotiation
conversation, but like a realone where you know something
needed to change and you bothhandled it like grown-ups.
(18:26):
Another positive sign is the DOMreads the sub state accurately.
So I'm not just talking aboutduring scenes, but in general.
So they notice when something'soff and they adjust, they they
pay attention to their partneras a person and not just a sub.
So ask yourself, what would needto be true about your
(18:50):
relationship for you to feelgenuinely safe inside this kind
of agreement?
Make sure you know the answer tothat question before you start a
free use dynamic.
Okay, one more thing before wewrap up.
And this is the thing thatactually catches most people off
guard after they've already seteverything up.
(19:11):
The number one thing that breaksfree use dynamics over time
probably isn't what you wouldexpect.
But most couples do all of thehard work up front.
They have the conversations,they write things down, they
feel solid going in, and thenthey stop talking about it.
They assume that because theagreement exists that everything
(19:34):
is covered, like forever, done.
But dynamics change.
What felt exciting three monthsago might feel different now.
A soft limit might need tobecome a hard one.
A context that felt safe mightnot feel that way anymore.
(19:54):
Your relationship is not static.
Your agreement shouldn't beeither.
So have check-ins ideally on aweekly or even monthly basis.
Um, my Dom and I do ours weekly,but ask questions like is there
anything in our agreement thatdoesn't feel right anymore?
(20:16):
Is there anything you want toadd?
Has there been any moment wherethings felt off?
You know, even a little bit.
This is exactly why the contractat dom subliving.com slash
contract is so helpful becauseit's not a document you sign and
then forget.
It's a living agreement.
(20:38):
So go download it atdomsubliving.com slash contract
or click the link in thedescription.
But remember, free use andblanket consent aren't just
about power.
They're about two peopletrusting each other enough to
decide together in advance whattheir relationship looks like,
(20:58):
and then actually living insidethat decision.
So is your relationship ready?
Maybe, maybe not yet.
But the fact that you're askingthe question puts you ahead of
most people.
So grab the free contract atdomsubliving.comslash contract.
It's the best place to start.
(21:19):
And until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Subliving.
Free use is probably one of the most misunderstood
dynamics in BDSM.
Some people think it'sincredibly romantic, and other
people think it's automaticallyabusive.
The truth is, both sides usuallymiss the one thing that
determines whether yourrelationship is actually ready
for it.
So let's talk about it.
(00:20):
Welcome to the Dom Sub-Livingpodcast.
Hey, it's Alessandra, and todaywe're talking about what free
use is, what blanket consentactually means, how they work
together, and how to figure outif your relationship is ready
for it.
Because not every DS dynamic is,and that's okay.
(00:42):
Also, I'm going to walk youthrough a free BDSM contract you
can actually download and use.
It's one of the best tools Ihave for people who want to set
this up the right way.
I'll tell you exactly where tograb it.
But first of all, what is freeuse?
Well, let's start with thedefinition because I want us all
(01:03):
to be talking about the samething before we go anywhere
else.
Free use is a dynamic where thesubmissive makes themselves
available to their dominant atany time for whatever the DOM
wants without needing to beasked and without in the moment
negotiation happening everysingle time.
(01:26):
Think of it like a standingagreement.
The sub has basically said inadvance, you have access to me.
And the DOM can act on that.
So during a movie in thekitchen, first thing in the
morning, it doesn't matter.
And they can do it withoutstopping to check in like it's a
(01:50):
new request each time.
Now let me tell you what it isnot, because this is extremely
important.
It is not anything goes, nolimits, no expectations.
It is not permission for a DOMto ignore hard limits.
It is not a dynamic where thesub loses their voice.
(02:12):
And it is absolutely notsomething that happens without a
real intentional conversationfirst.
Free use is not a loophole, it'san agreement, and it's a
specific one with actualparameters.
And we're going to talk aboutwhat exactly those look like.
(02:34):
But when this concept first cameup between me and my partner, my
DOM, the first reaction I hadwhen I heard it was that sounds
intense.
I was intrigued, but a littlenervous.
Like I was worried that free usewould become overuse.
(02:54):
I really had to sit with theidea of it and have a lot of
conversations with him aboutwhat that would actually look
like in our relationship.
Because can you think of adynamic that sounds more
vulnerable than this one, whereyou're telling someone like, I'm
here whenever you want me, noasking, no waiting.
(03:18):
That takes a level of trust thatmost people, even inside the
lifestyle, they don't buildovernight.
And that's the point.
This isn't something you jumpinto, it's something you build
towards um deliberately.
Now, here's where most peopleget it wrong.
(03:38):
Free use without a specificfoundation in place first isn't
kink.
It's it's chaos, really.
And the thing that creates thatfoundation has an actual name,
and that's what we're going toget into right now.
So the foundation is calledblanket consent, and this is the
(04:00):
piece that makes everything elsework.
Blanket consent is apre-negotiated agreement.
Um, usually it's written down,and it's where both partners
decide in advance what is andisn't on the table.
Instead of negotiating eachindividual thing you do from
(04:23):
scratch, you just have onecomprehensive conversation, and
that agreement covers everythingwithin the parameters you set
together going forward.
So here's a simple way topicture it.
So you're building a container.
You're not saying yes toeverything, you're saying yes to
(04:45):
these specific things, and thatyes stays in place until you
decide together that you canchange it.
There can be exceptions to allof these things and also other
rules in place.
And this is different than a lotof BDSM relationships, um,
especially newer ones whereconsent gets negotiated kind of
(05:08):
scene by scene.
Like tonight we're doing XYZ.
Are you okay with that?
And scene by scene consent isgreat, it works.
I'm a huge fan, and that's whatI teach the majority of my
students and clients.
But blanket consent kind ofshifts that to we've already
(05:28):
talked about X, Y, and Z, andthey're in our agreement.
So when they happen, we don'tneed to pause and negotiate
every time.
That change is where the freeuse dynamic lives.
The sub has already said yes tothe, you know, shape of the
relationship.
The DOM already knows theboundaries, so they can act
(05:51):
within those boundaries freely.
And the sub can receive thatwithout hesitation, without the
pause that breaks the moment.
So, what does a solid blanketconsent agreement cover?
Well, it covers a lot of things,and if you want to see it all
and have your own agreement orcontract to follow along, you
(06:15):
can download ours for free atdom subliving.com slash
contract.
It's the exact one my Dom and Iuse.
But a good blanket consentagreement covers hard limits.
So the things that arecompletely off the table, like
no exceptions, no matter whatmood anyone's in, no matter how
deep in a dynamic you are.
(06:37):
It also covers soft limits, sothings that are on the table,
but they take a little bit ofcare.
They require the DOM to bepaying attention, reading the
subs, like current state, andyou know, not just assuming the
green light is always on.
It covers pre-approvedactivities.
So the things that are fullyopened, like no hesitation
(07:00):
needed.
It also covers time and context.
So is free use happening 24-7 oronly during evenings or only at
home or not during work calls,not when we're sick or having a
hard mental health day.
These specific things mattermore than people expect.
(07:22):
Um, it also covers safe words,which are still in place,
always.
This is the thing I want to saytwice, so I will.
Safe words do not go away withblanket consent.
Blanket consent means you don'thave to negotiate before every
encounter.
The safe word means you canstill stop any encounter.
(07:46):
Those are two completelydifferent things.
If if someone tells you blanketconsent replaces safe words,
walk away from that person.
Now, does this sound like a lotof work up front?
Yes, it is.
But ask yourself, is it moreexhausting to have the same
half-finished conversation everytime you want to explore
(08:08):
something?
Most couples who've done thework up front will tell you,
like, it's not even close.
When my Dom and I had theconversation about free use and
we did our contract, it did feelawkward at first.
It kind of felt weird and overlyformal, you know, especially
because we had already beenmarried for many, many years.
(08:32):
But what surprised me when weactually sat down and talked
through it was that we actuallywanted a lot of the same things.
It was kind of hard to finallysay these things out loud, um,
especially because at the timewe were both part of a very
strict high control religion.
(08:54):
So saying these things out loudand putting them down on paper
did bring up a lot of shame thatI had to work through, but it
was so, so worth it.
So later on in the podcast, I'mgoing to walk you through the
actual conversation you need tohave before any of this starts.
And I'll tell you about onepiece of it that surprises
(09:16):
almost everyone when they hearit.
But first, how do free use andblanket consent work together in
real life?
Because you understand bothconcepts separately now, but
let's talk about why they belongtogether and what it actually
looks like when a couple has setthis up well.
(09:38):
So, free use is the dynamic.
You'll hear people even use thisterm, like we have a free use
dynamic.
And then blanket consent is whatmakes it ethical and
sustainable.
You cannot have healthy free usewithout blanket consent.
I mean that.
(09:59):
If there's no agreement, there'sno dynamic.
There's just, you know, someonedeciding on their own what
they're allowed to do.
And that's a completelydifferent thing.
The way I think about it isblanket consent is, you know,
kind of like the contract,basically, the agreement.
(10:20):
But free use is what happensinside that contract.
Um, let me give you a fewexamples of what this looks like
in my real life.
So picture a Sunday afternoon.
I'm in the kitchen doing dishes,and my dom walks in, you know,
says nothing, and just, youknow, takes what they want.
(10:44):
I don't feel caught off guard.
I don't feel like something isbeing done to me.
I actually feel wanted and Ifeel needed.
I feel like I'm living exactlyinside the relationship we chose
because we did choose it.
We negotiated it.
I said yes to this version of mylife.
(11:06):
That's free use working the wayit's supposed to work.
Now, for the dominance, thisdynamic is not an easy one.
It actually asks more of you,not less.
You have to read your substatelike constantly.
You have to honor the limits youagree to, even when you're in
(11:28):
the middle of a moment.
You have to continuously earnthe trust that makes this kind
of openness possible in thefirst place.
Free use under blanket consentis not a passive thing for Adam
to hold.
What would it feel like to havea relationship where the trust
(11:49):
is so solid that you don't needto stop and negotiate every
moment, where the yes is alreadythere and you both just get to
live inside of it.
That's what we're talking aboutbuilding.
I'll give you an example in myown dynamic where this just
worked exactly like it wassupposed to.
(12:10):
So, Jay, my Dom, he had been atwork.
I had texted him earlier in theday saying that I was, you know,
I thought I was getting amigraine.
And he, you know, told me tokeep him updated.
He ended up having a really hardand stressful day at work.
And he came home and he askedme, like, how's your headache
(12:33):
doing?
And I said it's a lot better andwent away and that it didn't
turn into a migraine.
So I was really happy becausemigraines can leave me like
incapacitated where I can't doanything.
But I told him how it basicallywent away on its own.
And he said, good, because hehad a really stressful day and
(12:56):
he wanted to take it out on me.
He told me to go in the bedroomwith him, and that way he can,
you know, use me as his sub.
And that just really felt likeproof to me that we had built
something real together becausehe was still considerate of me,
but I was able to still be ofuse to him and help him when he
(13:20):
had a stressful day at work.
So that is just one example ofwhat it looks like in practice.
But now I'm going to walk youthrough the specific steps to
get this type of dynamic set up.
And I'll be honest about thesigns that your relationship
might not be ready yet.
All right, so let's say you'resold on all of this, you're
(13:42):
like, heck yeah, I want to getstarted.
Well, where do you actuallystart?
Well, step one, get clear onyour own desires first.
So before you bring your partnerinto it.
So if you're the sub, what is itabout free use that appeals to
you?
Is it the feeling of beingwanted without having to ask?
(14:03):
Or the sense of being chosen orthe you know removal of constant
negotiation?
Get specific about what you'reactually drawn to.
And if you're the DOM, samequestion.
What do you want this to feellike?
What draws you to this dynamicspecifically?
(14:23):
And for both of you, like whatare your hard limits?
What are the times or you know,context where this shouldn't
apply?
Be honest with yourself beforeyou try to be honest with each
other.
And then step two, don't try tonegotiate your entire blanket
(14:45):
consent agreement in onesitting.
That's a lot to put on oneconversation.
So you can just start with asimple question, something, you
know, like, you know, I've beenthinking about free use, like
what's your gut reaction to thatidea?
Then give your partner time tosit with it before you need an
(15:07):
answer from them.
And if they don't even know whatfree use is, share this episode
with them.
And then step three, build theblanket consent agreement
together and write it down.
And I know that feels cheesy tosome people, but having it in
writing means you both have thesame memory of what you agreed
(15:30):
to.
Like, there's no, like, Ithought you meant this, like six
months in.
There's no confusion in themiddle of a moment.
And it means you can revisit itover time and expand on it,
which is really exciting becauseit means your dynamic gets to
grow.
Now, before I get to step four,if you forgot everything your
(15:53):
agreement is supposed to cover,just download our free contract
at domsubliving.com/slashcontract.
It gives you a real framework tostart from.
It's not a one size fits alldocument.
It's just a starting point, butit covers all the major
categories that you'd want toaddress.
And you can customize itcompletely for your dynamic.
(16:15):
It gives you language for thingsthat are genuinely hard to put
into words.
So go grab it atdomsubliving.com/slash contract.
The link is in the descriptiontoo, and it's completely free.
Now, step four is practicebefore you go all in.
So start with something limited,like, you know, let's try free
(16:37):
use for two weeks or you know,weekends only, and then check
in.
Like that's it.
No pressure for it to bepermanent, no feeling like you
have to have everything figuredout before you begin.
A trial period gives you realdata about what it feels like in
practice versus how it soundedin theory.
(16:59):
And I promise you, those twothings can be completely
different.
Now, here is the big questionwe've been building towards.
Is your relationship actuallyready for free use under blanket
consent?
And here's my honest answer.
Not every DS dynamic is.
(17:20):
And there's no shame in that.
This kind of dynamic asks for aspecific level of trust and
communication that takes realtime to build.
Rushing it doesn't make you morecommitted, it just creates
problems that didn't need toexist.
I've seen it many times and hadto help many couples do damage
(17:40):
control.
But here are some signs thatyour relationship is ready.
So you have a safe word systemthat you've actually used, like
not just agreed to in theory.
So if you've never used yoursafe word or your partner hasn't
either, that doesn't mean thedynamic isn't working, but it
does mean you don't yet havereal data about what happens
(18:04):
when you do.
Another positive sign is you'venavigated at least one difficult
conversation about wants andneeds and came out of it
stronger.
Um, and I'm not talking aboutjust that first negotiation
conversation, but like a realone where you know something
needed to change and you bothhandled it like grown-ups.
(18:26):
Another positive sign is the DOMreads the sub state accurately.
So I'm not just talking aboutduring scenes, but in general.
So they notice when something'soff and they adjust, they they
pay attention to their partneras a person and not just a sub.
So ask yourself, what would needto be true about your
(18:50):
relationship for you to feelgenuinely safe inside this kind
of agreement?
Make sure you know the answer tothat question before you start a
free use dynamic.
Okay, one more thing before wewrap up.
And this is the thing thatactually catches most people off
guard after they've already seteverything up.
(19:11):
The number one thing that breaksfree use dynamics over time
probably isn't what you wouldexpect.
But most couples do all of thehard work up front.
They have the conversations,they write things down, they
feel solid going in, and thenthey stop talking about it.
They assume that because theagreement exists that everything
(19:34):
is covered, like forever, done.
But dynamics change.
What felt exciting three monthsago might feel different now.
A soft limit might need tobecome a hard one.
A context that felt safe mightnot feel that way anymore.
(19:54):
Your relationship is not static.
Your agreement shouldn't beeither.
So have check-ins ideally on aweekly or even monthly basis.
Um, my Dom and I do ours weekly,but ask questions like is there
anything in our agreement thatdoesn't feel right anymore?
(20:16):
Is there anything you want toadd?
Has there been any moment wherethings felt off?
You know, even a little bit.
This is exactly why the contractat dom subliving.com slash
contract is so helpful becauseit's not a document you sign and
then forget.
It's a living agreement.
(20:38):
So go download it atdomsubliving.com slash contract
or click the link in thedescription.
But remember, free use andblanket consent aren't just
about power.
They're about two peopletrusting each other enough to
decide together in advance whattheir relationship looks like,
(20:58):
and then actually living insidethat decision.
So is your relationship ready?
Maybe, maybe not yet.
But the fact that you're askingthe question puts you ahead of
most people.
So grab the free contract atdomsubliving.comslash contract.
It's the best place to start.
(21:19):
And until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Subliving.
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