August 10, 2026 • 25 mins
#150 What if the reason your sub seems "bratty" has nothing to do with them? Learn five common training mistakes that can create resistance instead of trust. Discover how better communication, consistency, and leadership can build a more obedient, devoted submissive and a stronger D/s relationship. Watch now and tell us which mistake surprised you most.
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Some submissives become more obedient the longer
you train them.
They become more confident, moretrusting, and more devoted over
time.
But then you've got the otherkind, the ones who become more
resistant and more anxious ormore bratty with every new role
you add.
But most of the time, thedifference isn't the submissive,
(00:22):
it's the training.
So today we're breaking downfive ways DOMs accidentally
train the exact behavior theydon't want and what to do
instead.
Welcome to the Dom Sublivingpodcast.
What's one thing every obedientsubmissive has in common?
We can answer that by looking atfive training mistakes I see
(00:43):
over and over again.
I'm Alessandra from DomSubliving, and I've taught and
coached hundreds of dominantsand submissives, everyone from
complete newbies to people whohave been in the lifestyle for
years.
And here's what nobody tells newDOMs.
Almost every one of you is goingto make at least one of these
mistakes I'm about to walk youthrough today.
(01:05):
My Dom made two of these himselfback when we were starting out,
and sometimes he still slips upwhen he's having a bad week.
So this isn't about being harshwith yourself or nitpicking
every little thing you do ordon't do.
We're all human, which brings usto the mistake almost every Dom
makes.
Mistake number one, treatingtraining like a checklist
(01:29):
instead of a relationship.
Quick question for you.
And I want you to actually sitwith this one for a second
instead of just rushing past it.
If you're a Dom, could your subtell you why they followed the
rule you gave them?
Not what the rule is, theyprobably have that memorized
already.
I mean why the rule exists, whatpurpose it serves.
(01:52):
If they can't answer that,that's not a them problem,
that's a you problem.
You need to own that instead ofgetting defensive about it.
This is the mistake almost everynew DOM makes, and it makes
sense why.
You read a book, you watch aYouTube video, you find a list
of protocols online that someother DOM swears by.
(02:16):
Maybe it's even ours, coughcoff,doms of living.com slash
protocols.
And all of it sounds good andyou start running through it,
you know, checking off everysingle box without ever
stopping.
And all of it sounds good, andyou start running through it and
checking off every single boxwithout ever stopping and
(02:36):
questioning if it actually fitsor if it's relevant for you and
your dynamic.
And I'll give you an example ofthis.
So we had heard of a lot ofcouples having a protocol that
when the DOM comes home, thesubmissive greets them at the
door before you know the DOMeven walks in and they're just
(02:57):
kind of kneeling there at theentryway waiting.
Now, again, that sounds good onpaper, but that wasn't going to
work for me and my Dom becausewe had two young kids at the
time that were running aroundthe house and would see that and
start to ask a lot of questions.
But the problem isn't the role,but the why behind that role is
(03:21):
to have a connection ritual whenyour partner comes home and you
haven't seen each other in awhile.
So we were still able to createthat.
So we talked about it and wecreated the role for us that
when my dom came home, that nomatter where I was in the house,
I would stop what I was doingand come meet him in the
(03:43):
entryway and give him a kiss andsay, Welcome home, daddy.
So real training starts with aconversation, not a list.
Before you write a single role,sit down with your partner and
actually walk through whattraining means for the two of
you.
So real training starts with aconversation, not a list.
(04:06):
Before you write a single role,sit down with your partner and
actually talk through whattraining means to the two of
you.
Not what it meant to whoeverwrote that book sitting on your
bedroom nightstand, but what itmeans here in your house with
your history, your limits, andyour actual goals as a couple.
(04:27):
If you're the DOM, ask your subwhat they want to get better at.
Ask them what part of submissionstill feels unclear or shaky to
them.
You might be surprised by theiranswer.
That conversation might feelslower, but it is slower.
It's the difference betweenbuilding something that lasts
(04:48):
versus rushing into somethingthat looks hot and kinky but
crashes and burns and justresorts back to vanilla a couple
months later.
A lot of times when I have astudent whose protocols aren't
sticking, one of the firstthings I do is ask them, why do
you have that protocol?
(05:10):
Sometimes I'll have them evenjournal about it, but then they
go and have that conversationwith their partner and they're
able to move forward.
Once your sub understands thereason behind a rule, following
it stops being obedience for thesake of obedience.
It becomes something they'rechoosing because it actually
(05:32):
makes sense to them, not becausethey're afraid of what happens
if they skip it.
And here's a simple way to testwhether you're doing this right.
Pick any role you currently havein place and ask your sub to
explain it back to you in theirown words, like the way they'd
(05:52):
explain it to a vanilla friendwho was curious about the
lifestyle.
If their explanation seems kindof vague or they're just
repeating back to you what yousaid word for word without any
reasoning behind it, then that'sa good sign to go back and
revisit that conversation thatyou probably skipped the first
(06:13):
time around.
Even if you get that partexactly right, there's a second
mistake waiting right behind it.
And this is the one that turns asub into being afraid of you
instead of devoted to you.
So training mistake number twois using punishment as the
default teaching tool.
(06:34):
If a sub disobeys but didn'tactually know the expectation,
was that disobedience or wasthat just poor communication on
the Dom's part?
They're calling it disobediencejust because it's an easier
excuse.
Let me say that one more timebecause it's more important than
most DOMs want to admit, but ifa sub didn't know the
(06:57):
expectation, it's notdisobedience, it's poor
communication.
This trips up a lot of new DOMs,and I'll be honest with you, my
Dom fell into this trap earlyon, too.
He'd correct me fast, he'dcorrect me hard, and a lot of
times because he was so excitedto correct me, he'd rush and
(07:20):
skip past the part where he wasactually teaching me the role.
It happened more than once inthe beginning of our journey.
I can think of one timespecifically where he was at
work and he was actually workingclose to home in the same city
that we lived in at the time.
He's a foreman for aconstruction company, but he had
(07:43):
texted me a question, and Iguess I didn't respond fast
enough in the time that hewanted me to, but he actually
left his job site, came home,took me into the bedroom, and
gave me a punishment spanking.
The problem is, we never talkedabout how he wanted me to text
(08:04):
him back in a reasonable amountof time and how many minutes a
reasonable amount of time is.
What we do differently now,looking back, is have a
discussion first and anexpectation that we're both on
the same page about, and that Iknow as a sub how long I have to
(08:25):
text him back.
If you want to know what thatrole is, it's 10 minutes that I
have to text him back.
So I know if I'm going to dosomething that's going to take
me longer than 10 minutes, likehave a shower, I know to text
him first to let him know.
There's something worthunderstanding here that doesn't
get talked about nearly enoughin this space.
(08:48):
Obedience out of fear andsubmission by choice can look
exactly the same from theoutside.
So it could be the samepostures, the same silence, the
same yes, sir or yes, ma'am, allon cue.
But underneath, they are not thesame at all.
One is compliance, the other istrust.
(09:12):
And punishment as your defaulttool builds the first one.
It does not build the second, nomatter how consistent you are
with it, and no matter howwell-intentioned you are while
doing it.
If you want a sub who chooses tosubmit, not one who's just
(11:00):
afraid of what happens if theydon't, you have to lead with
teaching before you ever reachfor correction.
Some ways to do this are topraise the behavior you want to
see more of, you know, even thesmall wins that feel too little
to, you know, mention out loud.
Also reward the times they getit right.
(11:23):
Different subs respond todifferent kinds of praise.
So pay attention to whatactually works for yours,
whether that's verbalaffirmations, physical
affection, or something elseentirely.
Save actual correction for afterthe expectation has been set
clearly and you've given themone or two chances.
(11:46):
I had a submissive I wascoaching, and she was perfectly
obedient and following the rulesof her Dom at the time.
But she said she just feltanxious and was walking on
eggshells all the time becauseshe didn't know what she was
going to find out that she hadgotten wrong that day.
On the surface, this looks likeobedience, but that dynamic
(12:10):
ended up ending and she found anew DOM who would lay out the
why and the expectations behinda protocol before the protocol
was even said.
She said that she just felt moredevoted and at ease and wanting
to please her DOM, and thatdynamic continued to thrive.
(12:31):
So if you're a DOM, when do youpunish your sub?
Well, a good rule of thumb hereis what I call the three strikes
before consequences approach, atleast while a rule is still new.
So the first time an expectationgets missed, you would treat
that as information.
So did they actually understandit?
(12:53):
And then the second time, sitdown and walk through it again
out loud together.
Only on the third time, when youknow for certain the expectation
was clear, do you actuallycorrect or punish them in the
way that's in their agreed-uponlimits?
Skipping straight toconsequences on strike one tells
(13:15):
your sub that mistakes aredangerous instead of telling
them that mistakes are just partof learning.
And this is where training kindof just quietly goes wrong
because then the sub may starthiding or lying about their
mistakes too.
I sometimes fib about mymistakes, but that's just
because I'm a little bratty attimes, but that's a whole
(13:38):
different story.
But using punishment as thedefault teaching tool is related
to something, you know, else onthis list, a little farther
down, because the DOMs whorelied the hardest on
punishments are almost alwaysthe same DOMs who are skipping
the last training tip on thislist.
But hang on to that thought.
(13:58):
I'll come back to it in a littlebit.
But training mistake numberthree is training in isolation.
When's the last time youactually asked your sub how the
last week of their trainingfelt, or the last month even?
I'm not talking about whetherthey completed the tasks on the
list, how it actually felt forthem, like emotionally day to
(14:22):
day when nobody was looking.
A lot of DOMs will never askthat question, and it's not
because they don't care.
It's just because they tend tofeel that check-ins are awkward
or it's just not something theyneed to do.
A lot of times things will lookgood on the surface and they
won't know that resentment hasbeen building up over time.
(14:46):
And over time, that just getsworse and worse, and it's just
kind of waiting to come out andnot in a healthy, productive
way, but usually in a bigblow-up.
I know for me personally, ifthere's a problem I'm dealing
with on my own, or it's justsomething in our dynamic and I
can't check in and talk about itfreely with my DOM.
(15:09):
And if too much time passes, itwill become this bigger problem
that we could have caught a lotearlier.
That's why we have weeklycheck-in sessions every Sunday
evening.
But here's what most DOMs missTraining in isolation goes
beyond just skipping check-inswith your sub.
(15:31):
It's also never talking to otherDOMs and subs about how their
dynamic is actually going.
It's when they never let theirsub read or learn about anything
that's outside of their owndynamic and they just kind of
think that their version of DSis the only way.
And they just kind of treat therelationship like it just exists
(15:54):
in this bubble.
They don't allow their sub toexperience any other
perspectives ever because theyjust feel like getting help or
feedback is a sign of weaknesson their part instead of a sign
of a good dom.
And they also kind of don't wanttheir sub to see what other
healthy relationships could belike.
(16:15):
That isolation is exactly why webuilt a free community in the
first place.
Subs being trained in a vacuumwith zero outside perspective is
one of the most common patternsI see.
And honestly, it's one of theeasiest ones to fix once you're
aware of it.
Like I said, our community isfree to join.
(16:37):
It's at Domsubliving.com/slashcommunity, and it's full of
other DOMs and subs who aredealing with some of the exact
same situations that we'retalking about now.
And if you're already inside ourAll Access Pass, you have access
to our step-by-step trainings,including our Dom Sub training
(16:57):
course.
So letting your sub learn fromoutside perspectives is so
valuable and it's something youcan do together.
You can even sit down and use ittonight or the next time
something comes up.
But if you've kind of gotteninto these habits, an easy thing
you can do to fix most of thisis just once a week sit down
(17:20):
together outside of you know thenormal scenes that you're having
and just ask, what's been goingwell?
What do you want to keep doing?
What do you want to improve?
What maybe hasn't been workingand you want to maybe stop or
change?
If you are a member of our AllAccess Pass, we actually have
relationship check-in templatesthat walk you through this step
(17:44):
by step.
They're the same exact ones thatmy Dom and I use.
We were just using them lastSunday.
When you do this consistently,though, every week, those small
little things don't snowballinto something bigger that will
kind of take over your wholedynamic.
And that brings us to a mistakethat quietly does the most
(18:06):
damage of all over the longestamount of time.
So training mistake number fouris being inconsistent.
If your ruled three times lastmonth, whose fault is it really
when your sub stops taking themseriously?
Inconsistency shows up in a fewdifferent ways.
(18:28):
And most DOMs only recognize oneor two of them.
But one way is saying you'regoing to do a scene this weekend
and then letting it just kind ofquietly slide without any
acknowledgement or explanation.
Or it's promising your sub thatyou're going to punish them for
(18:48):
something and then neveractually delivering that
punishment.
So the words stop meaninganything.
And it's also changing the rulesevery single week because last
week's version stopped feelingexciting to you personally.
Inconsistent expectations createanxious and confused
(19:09):
submissives, not confident ones.
If the ground keeps shiftingunderneath them, they can never
fully settle into the dynamicand relax because part of them
is always bracing and waiting tofind out which version of the
role is actually real this weekor this day or this hour.
(19:31):
Before you say a role or a planout loud, ask yourself one
honest question first.
Am I actually going to followthrough on this, even on a night
when I'm tired?
Even on a week when work hasbeen a mess?
If the answer is maybe, don'tsay it.
(19:51):
A promise you're not sure you'llkeep does more damage than not
saying anything in the firstplace.
So I'm sure we've all heard thesaying, underpromise,
over-deliver.
But here's a simple fix.
Just make fewer rules and don'tadd any more until you can hold
those consistently.
(20:11):
We're going for quality overquantity here.
If you're building protocols andyou're not sure where to even
start, we built together a listof 50 of them you can pick from
at domsubliving.com/slashprotocols.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
But just pick a small handfuland work on doing those even
(20:33):
when you're busy, even whenyou're tired.
Don't touch that list againuntil you've actually proven to
yourself and to your sub thatyou can actually stay consistent
with those ones that you alreadyhave.
Which brings us to the last oneon this list.
And this is the mistake I toldyou about earlier, the one that
ends relationships slowly overtime.
(20:56):
Training mistake number fivethat DOMs make.
If you want to know how not totrain yourself, do not do this.
And this is not trainingyourself.
When's the last time youactually learn something new
about being a Dom?
I don't mean skimming a Redditpost or watching a TikTok clip
(21:17):
on your phone.
I mean actually sitting down andstudying something on purpose
because you genuinely wanted toget better at this.
The best DOMs never stoplearning, no matter how long
they've been doing this or howconfident they feel.
If you're asking your sub tokeep growing while you refuse to
(21:39):
grow yourself, eventually theywill outgrow you.
It's just what I see happen overtime in DS relationships where
only one person is developingwhile the other stands still
year after year.
It's one of my biggest petpeeves when I'm hosting a
(22:01):
virtual summit or my online bootcamp, and I see so many subs
posting, I signed up because myDOM sent me the link, or my Dom
wants me to attend thesesessions.
And I'm just like, okay, andwhere's your Dom?
Why aren't they here attendingthe sessions too?
(22:22):
Why didn't they join?
Education and training issomething both a Dom and a sub
need to do.
And if a DOM delegates all ofthe education and training to
the sub, that is just bottomingfrom the top.
We like to blame subs all thetime for topping from the
(22:43):
bottom, but so many DOMs arealso guilty of bottoming from
the top.
And here's another trap a lot ofDOMs fall into without ever
realizing it.
Being loud or angry or stubborndoesn't make you more dominant.
It just makes you harder to livewith day after day and week
(23:04):
after week.
Real dominance isn't measured involume.
It's being steady and havingself-control.
It's willingness to keepimproving even after you're
convinced that you have this allfigured out.
Because the moment that youthink you are this experienced
DOM is usually the moment youstop improving.
(23:28):
Training yourself doesn't haveto mean a huge overhaul.
It can be as simple as joining acommunity and actually
participating instead of justscrolling through it.
It can mean finding a mentor,someone who's in a similar
dynamic as you or one thatyou're working towards.
(23:48):
It can mean taking a structuredcourse to help you work on
different aspects of yourdominance that you really never
thought to address before.
But pay attention to how youactually react the next time
your sub pushes back onsomething, even if it's just a
little bit.
So do you get curious about whythey're doing it, or do you get
(24:10):
defensive and shut theconversation down?
If you do notice yourselfshutting down instead of getting
curious, that doesn't meanyou're failing.
It just means that's the nextthing you need to work on.
So here's the full list again ofhow not to train your sub.
So number one, treating traininglike a checklist instead of a
(24:31):
relationship.
Number two, using punishment asthe default teaching tool.
And number three, training inisolation.
Four, being inconsistent, andfive, not training yourself.
At the end of the day, badtraining can leave a sub bratty
and disobedient, but it can alsodestroy an entire DS
(24:54):
relationship.
Masters of this lifestyle lookat these exact failures to
understand what to avoid duringthe training process.
Every single piece of traininghas to fit perfectly from the
very first conversation theyhave with their sub.
If you want to get more ideasfor how to train a sub, check
out that list of 50 protocols atdomsubliving.comslash protocols
(25:18):
or click the link in thedescription.
And until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Subliving.
Some submissives become more obedient the longer
you train them.
They become more confident, moretrusting, and more devoted over
time.
But then you've got the otherkind, the ones who become more
resistant and more anxious ormore bratty with every new role
you add.
But most of the time, thedifference isn't the submissive,
(00:22):
it's the training.
So today we're breaking downfive ways DOMs accidentally
train the exact behavior theydon't want and what to do
instead.
Welcome to the Dom Sublivingpodcast.
What's one thing every obedientsubmissive has in common?
We can answer that by looking atfive training mistakes I see
(00:43):
over and over again.
I'm Alessandra from DomSubliving, and I've taught and
coached hundreds of dominantsand submissives, everyone from
complete newbies to people whohave been in the lifestyle for
years.
And here's what nobody tells newDOMs.
Almost every one of you is goingto make at least one of these
mistakes I'm about to walk youthrough today.
(01:05):
My Dom made two of these himselfback when we were starting out,
and sometimes he still slips upwhen he's having a bad week.
So this isn't about being harshwith yourself or nitpicking
every little thing you do ordon't do.
We're all human, which brings usto the mistake almost every Dom
makes.
Mistake number one, treatingtraining like a checklist
(01:29):
instead of a relationship.
Quick question for you.
And I want you to actually sitwith this one for a second
instead of just rushing past it.
If you're a Dom, could your subtell you why they followed the
rule you gave them?
Not what the rule is, theyprobably have that memorized
already.
I mean why the rule exists, whatpurpose it serves.
(01:52):
If they can't answer that,that's not a them problem,
that's a you problem.
You need to own that instead ofgetting defensive about it.
This is the mistake almost everynew DOM makes, and it makes
sense why.
You read a book, you watch aYouTube video, you find a list
of protocols online that someother DOM swears by.
(02:16):
Maybe it's even ours, coughcoff,doms of living.com slash
protocols.
And all of it sounds good andyou start running through it,
you know, checking off everysingle box without ever
stopping.
And all of it sounds good, andyou start running through it and
checking off every single boxwithout ever stopping and
(02:36):
questioning if it actually fitsor if it's relevant for you and
your dynamic.
And I'll give you an example ofthis.
So we had heard of a lot ofcouples having a protocol that
when the DOM comes home, thesubmissive greets them at the
door before you know the DOMeven walks in and they're just
(02:57):
kind of kneeling there at theentryway waiting.
Now, again, that sounds good onpaper, but that wasn't going to
work for me and my Dom becausewe had two young kids at the
time that were running aroundthe house and would see that and
start to ask a lot of questions.
But the problem isn't the role,but the why behind that role is
(03:21):
to have a connection ritual whenyour partner comes home and you
haven't seen each other in awhile.
So we were still able to createthat.
So we talked about it and wecreated the role for us that
when my dom came home, that nomatter where I was in the house,
I would stop what I was doingand come meet him in the
(03:43):
entryway and give him a kiss andsay, Welcome home, daddy.
So real training starts with aconversation, not a list.
Before you write a single role,sit down with your partner and
actually walk through whattraining means for the two of
you.
So real training starts with aconversation, not a list.
(04:06):
Before you write a single role,sit down with your partner and
actually talk through whattraining means to the two of
you.
Not what it meant to whoeverwrote that book sitting on your
bedroom nightstand, but what itmeans here in your house with
your history, your limits, andyour actual goals as a couple.
(04:27):
If you're the DOM, ask your subwhat they want to get better at.
Ask them what part of submissionstill feels unclear or shaky to
them.
You might be surprised by theiranswer.
That conversation might feelslower, but it is slower.
It's the difference betweenbuilding something that lasts
(04:48):
versus rushing into somethingthat looks hot and kinky but
crashes and burns and justresorts back to vanilla a couple
months later.
A lot of times when I have astudent whose protocols aren't
sticking, one of the firstthings I do is ask them, why do
you have that protocol?
(05:10):
Sometimes I'll have them evenjournal about it, but then they
go and have that conversationwith their partner and they're
able to move forward.
Once your sub understands thereason behind a rule, following
it stops being obedience for thesake of obedience.
It becomes something they'rechoosing because it actually
(05:32):
makes sense to them, not becausethey're afraid of what happens
if they skip it.
And here's a simple way to testwhether you're doing this right.
Pick any role you currently havein place and ask your sub to
explain it back to you in theirown words, like the way they'd
(05:52):
explain it to a vanilla friendwho was curious about the
lifestyle.
If their explanation seems kindof vague or they're just
repeating back to you what yousaid word for word without any
reasoning behind it, then that'sa good sign to go back and
revisit that conversation thatyou probably skipped the first
(06:13):
time around.
Even if you get that partexactly right, there's a second
mistake waiting right behind it.
And this is the one that turns asub into being afraid of you
instead of devoted to you.
So training mistake number twois using punishment as the
default teaching tool.
(06:34):
If a sub disobeys but didn'tactually know the expectation,
was that disobedience or wasthat just poor communication on
the Dom's part?
They're calling it disobediencejust because it's an easier
excuse.
Let me say that one more timebecause it's more important than
most DOMs want to admit, but ifa sub didn't know the
(06:57):
expectation, it's notdisobedience, it's poor
communication.
This trips up a lot of new DOMs,and I'll be honest with you, my
Dom fell into this trap earlyon, too.
He'd correct me fast, he'dcorrect me hard, and a lot of
times because he was so excitedto correct me, he'd rush and
(07:20):
skip past the part where he wasactually teaching me the role.
It happened more than once inthe beginning of our journey.
I can think of one timespecifically where he was at
work and he was actually workingclose to home in the same city
that we lived in at the time.
He's a foreman for aconstruction company, but he had
(07:43):
texted me a question, and Iguess I didn't respond fast
enough in the time that hewanted me to, but he actually
left his job site, came home,took me into the bedroom, and
gave me a punishment spanking.
The problem is, we never talkedabout how he wanted me to text
(08:04):
him back in a reasonable amountof time and how many minutes a
reasonable amount of time is.
What we do differently now,looking back, is have a
discussion first and anexpectation that we're both on
the same page about, and that Iknow as a sub how long I have to
(08:25):
text him back.
If you want to know what thatrole is, it's 10 minutes that I
have to text him back.
So I know if I'm going to dosomething that's going to take
me longer than 10 minutes, likehave a shower, I know to text
him first to let him know.
There's something worthunderstanding here that doesn't
get talked about nearly enoughin this space.
(08:48):
Obedience out of fear andsubmission by choice can look
exactly the same from theoutside.
So it could be the samepostures, the same silence, the
same yes, sir or yes, ma'am, allon cue.
But underneath, they are not thesame at all.
One is compliance, the other istrust.
(09:12):
And punishment as your defaulttool builds the first one.
It does not build the second, nomatter how consistent you are
with it, and no matter howwell-intentioned you are while
doing it.
If you want a sub who chooses tosubmit, not one who's just
(11:00):
afraid of what happens if theydon't, you have to lead with
teaching before you ever reachfor correction.
Some ways to do this are topraise the behavior you want to
see more of, you know, even thesmall wins that feel too little
to, you know, mention out loud.
Also reward the times they getit right.
(11:23):
Different subs respond todifferent kinds of praise.
So pay attention to whatactually works for yours,
whether that's verbalaffirmations, physical
affection, or something elseentirely.
Save actual correction for afterthe expectation has been set
clearly and you've given themone or two chances.
(11:46):
I had a submissive I wascoaching, and she was perfectly
obedient and following the rulesof her Dom at the time.
But she said she just feltanxious and was walking on
eggshells all the time becauseshe didn't know what she was
going to find out that she hadgotten wrong that day.
On the surface, this looks likeobedience, but that dynamic
(12:10):
ended up ending and she found anew DOM who would lay out the
why and the expectations behinda protocol before the protocol
was even said.
She said that she just felt moredevoted and at ease and wanting
to please her DOM, and thatdynamic continued to thrive.
(12:31):
So if you're a DOM, when do youpunish your sub?
Well, a good rule of thumb hereis what I call the three strikes
before consequences approach, atleast while a rule is still new.
So the first time an expectationgets missed, you would treat
that as information.
So did they actually understandit?
(12:53):
And then the second time, sitdown and walk through it again
out loud together.
Only on the third time, when youknow for certain the expectation
was clear, do you actuallycorrect or punish them in the
way that's in their agreed-uponlimits?
Skipping straight toconsequences on strike one tells
(13:15):
your sub that mistakes aredangerous instead of telling
them that mistakes are just partof learning.
And this is where training kindof just quietly goes wrong
because then the sub may starthiding or lying about their
mistakes too.
I sometimes fib about mymistakes, but that's just
because I'm a little bratty attimes, but that's a whole
(13:38):
different story.
But using punishment as thedefault teaching tool is related
to something, you know, else onthis list, a little farther
down, because the DOMs whorelied the hardest on
punishments are almost alwaysthe same DOMs who are skipping
the last training tip on thislist.
But hang on to that thought.
(13:58):
I'll come back to it in a littlebit.
But training mistake numberthree is training in isolation.
When's the last time youactually asked your sub how the
last week of their trainingfelt, or the last month even?
I'm not talking about whetherthey completed the tasks on the
list, how it actually felt forthem, like emotionally day to
(14:22):
day when nobody was looking.
A lot of DOMs will never askthat question, and it's not
because they don't care.
It's just because they tend tofeel that check-ins are awkward
or it's just not something theyneed to do.
A lot of times things will lookgood on the surface and they
won't know that resentment hasbeen building up over time.
(14:46):
And over time, that just getsworse and worse, and it's just
kind of waiting to come out andnot in a healthy, productive
way, but usually in a bigblow-up.
I know for me personally, ifthere's a problem I'm dealing
with on my own, or it's justsomething in our dynamic and I
can't check in and talk about itfreely with my DOM.
(15:09):
And if too much time passes, itwill become this bigger problem
that we could have caught a lotearlier.
That's why we have weeklycheck-in sessions every Sunday
evening.
But here's what most DOMs missTraining in isolation goes
beyond just skipping check-inswith your sub.
(15:31):
It's also never talking to otherDOMs and subs about how their
dynamic is actually going.
It's when they never let theirsub read or learn about anything
that's outside of their owndynamic and they just kind of
think that their version of DSis the only way.
And they just kind of treat therelationship like it just exists
(15:54):
in this bubble.
They don't allow their sub toexperience any other
perspectives ever because theyjust feel like getting help or
feedback is a sign of weaknesson their part instead of a sign
of a good dom.
And they also kind of don't wanttheir sub to see what other
healthy relationships could belike.
(16:15):
That isolation is exactly why webuilt a free community in the
first place.
Subs being trained in a vacuumwith zero outside perspective is
one of the most common patternsI see.
And honestly, it's one of theeasiest ones to fix once you're
aware of it.
Like I said, our community isfree to join.
(16:37):
It's at Domsubliving.com/slashcommunity, and it's full of
other DOMs and subs who aredealing with some of the exact
same situations that we'retalking about now.
And if you're already inside ourAll Access Pass, you have access
to our step-by-step trainings,including our Dom Sub training
(16:57):
course.
So letting your sub learn fromoutside perspectives is so
valuable and it's something youcan do together.
You can even sit down and use ittonight or the next time
something comes up.
But if you've kind of gotteninto these habits, an easy thing
you can do to fix most of thisis just once a week sit down
(17:20):
together outside of you know thenormal scenes that you're having
and just ask, what's been goingwell?
What do you want to keep doing?
What do you want to improve?
What maybe hasn't been workingand you want to maybe stop or
change?
If you are a member of our AllAccess Pass, we actually have
relationship check-in templatesthat walk you through this step
(17:44):
by step.
They're the same exact ones thatmy Dom and I use.
We were just using them lastSunday.
When you do this consistently,though, every week, those small
little things don't snowballinto something bigger that will
kind of take over your wholedynamic.
And that brings us to a mistakethat quietly does the most
(18:06):
damage of all over the longestamount of time.
So training mistake number fouris being inconsistent.
If your ruled three times lastmonth, whose fault is it really
when your sub stops taking themseriously?
Inconsistency shows up in a fewdifferent ways.
(18:28):
And most DOMs only recognize oneor two of them.
But one way is saying you'regoing to do a scene this weekend
and then letting it just kind ofquietly slide without any
acknowledgement or explanation.
Or it's promising your sub thatyou're going to punish them for
(18:48):
something and then neveractually delivering that
punishment.
So the words stop meaninganything.
And it's also changing the rulesevery single week because last
week's version stopped feelingexciting to you personally.
Inconsistent expectations createanxious and confused
(19:09):
submissives, not confident ones.
If the ground keeps shiftingunderneath them, they can never
fully settle into the dynamicand relax because part of them
is always bracing and waiting tofind out which version of the
role is actually real this weekor this day or this hour.
(19:31):
Before you say a role or a planout loud, ask yourself one
honest question first.
Am I actually going to followthrough on this, even on a night
when I'm tired?
Even on a week when work hasbeen a mess?
If the answer is maybe, don'tsay it.
(19:51):
A promise you're not sure you'llkeep does more damage than not
saying anything in the firstplace.
So I'm sure we've all heard thesaying, underpromise,
over-deliver.
But here's a simple fix.
Just make fewer rules and don'tadd any more until you can hold
those consistently.
(20:11):
We're going for quality overquantity here.
If you're building protocols andyou're not sure where to even
start, we built together a listof 50 of them you can pick from
at domsubliving.com/slashprotocols.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
But just pick a small handfuland work on doing those even
(20:33):
when you're busy, even whenyou're tired.
Don't touch that list againuntil you've actually proven to
yourself and to your sub thatyou can actually stay consistent
with those ones that you alreadyhave.
Which brings us to the last oneon this list.
And this is the mistake I toldyou about earlier, the one that
ends relationships slowly overtime.
(20:56):
Training mistake number fivethat DOMs make.
If you want to know how not totrain yourself, do not do this.
And this is not trainingyourself.
When's the last time youactually learn something new
about being a Dom?
I don't mean skimming a Redditpost or watching a TikTok clip
(21:17):
on your phone.
I mean actually sitting down andstudying something on purpose
because you genuinely wanted toget better at this.
The best DOMs never stoplearning, no matter how long
they've been doing this or howconfident they feel.
If you're asking your sub tokeep growing while you refuse to
(21:39):
grow yourself, eventually theywill outgrow you.
It's just what I see happen overtime in DS relationships where
only one person is developingwhile the other stands still
year after year.
It's one of my biggest petpeeves when I'm hosting a
(22:01):
virtual summit or my online bootcamp, and I see so many subs
posting, I signed up because myDOM sent me the link, or my Dom
wants me to attend thesesessions.
And I'm just like, okay, andwhere's your Dom?
Why aren't they here attendingthe sessions too?
(22:22):
Why didn't they join?
Education and training issomething both a Dom and a sub
need to do.
And if a DOM delegates all ofthe education and training to
the sub, that is just bottomingfrom the top.
We like to blame subs all thetime for topping from the
(22:43):
bottom, but so many DOMs arealso guilty of bottoming from
the top.
And here's another trap a lot ofDOMs fall into without ever
realizing it.
Being loud or angry or stubborndoesn't make you more dominant.
It just makes you harder to livewith day after day and week
(23:04):
after week.
Real dominance isn't measured involume.
It's being steady and havingself-control.
It's willingness to keepimproving even after you're
convinced that you have this allfigured out.
Because the moment that youthink you are this experienced
DOM is usually the moment youstop improving.
(23:28):
Training yourself doesn't haveto mean a huge overhaul.
It can be as simple as joining acommunity and actually
participating instead of justscrolling through it.
It can mean finding a mentor,someone who's in a similar
dynamic as you or one thatyou're working towards.
(23:48):
It can mean taking a structuredcourse to help you work on
different aspects of yourdominance that you really never
thought to address before.
But pay attention to how youactually react the next time
your sub pushes back onsomething, even if it's just a
little bit.
So do you get curious about whythey're doing it, or do you get
(24:10):
defensive and shut theconversation down?
If you do notice yourselfshutting down instead of getting
curious, that doesn't meanyou're failing.
It just means that's the nextthing you need to work on.
So here's the full list again ofhow not to train your sub.
So number one, treating traininglike a checklist instead of a
(24:31):
relationship.
Number two, using punishment asthe default teaching tool.
And number three, training inisolation.
Four, being inconsistent, andfive, not training yourself.
At the end of the day, badtraining can leave a sub bratty
and disobedient, but it can alsodestroy an entire DS
(24:54):
relationship.
Masters of this lifestyle lookat these exact failures to
understand what to avoid duringthe training process.
Every single piece of traininghas to fit perfectly from the
very first conversation theyhave with their sub.
If you want to get more ideasfor how to train a sub, check
out that list of 50 protocols atdomsubliving.comslash protocols
(25:18):
or click the link in thedescription.
And until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Subliving.
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