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July 6, 2026 16 mins

#146 Has your D/s dynamic started feeling a little... vanilla? In this episode, we sharing simple BDSM habits that help you stay consistent, build trust, strengthen your Dom/sub relationship, and avoid the vanilla rut – even when life gets busy. Listen now and discover the small daily changes that can make a big difference.

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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
You don't fall into the vanilla rut overnight.
It happens one skift ritual, onemissed check-in, one busy week
at a time.
But here's the good news.
You don't need hour-long scenesevery night to keep your DS
dynamic alive.
Sometimes it's the little thingsthat make the biggest
difference, and I'm going toshow you exactly what those are.

(00:23):
Welcome to the Dom Sub Livingpodcast.
Being consistent in a Dom Subdynamic is so important, but I
admit it is pretty dangchallenging.
I'm a full-time, collaredsubmissive to my Dom, but I'm
also a mom to two kids, and Ihomeschooled them even.

(00:46):
And I have numerous healthissues and physical illnesses
that I deal with.
And at the end of the day, I'mtired the majority of the time.
And so sometimes the last thingI want to do is have an
hour-long intense scene.
And it's the same thing for mydom.
He works full-time, he travels.

(01:08):
And so it's hard to at the, youknow, the weekend when it's
supposed to be this time forrest and re relaxation to want
to step up and take on that roleof a dominant.
So the goal of this episode isto offer practical advice and
strategies that you can put intoplace for integrating BDSM into

(01:31):
daily routines so you can stayconsistent.
So consistency builds trust.
It shows that you can depend onyour partner long term, that
this isn't something that'sgoing to fizzle out.
And so maybe you can't rely onyour partner or your
relationship.
Consistency allows you to growtoo, because if you're not

(01:54):
consistent, then you'reconstantly starting and stopping
and not making any real progressas a dom or sub.
It also deepens your bond andyour connection with your
partner.
And so that just makes thescenes that you're doing more
fun, more intense, because youhave that deep emotional

(02:15):
connection.
But it's really important tohave clear expectations and
boundaries with your partner.
And so communicate openly withyour partner about what
consistency means to them andwhat consistency means to you.
And that way you're both on thesame page because you probably
have different ideas of whatconsistency in your dynamic

(02:38):
looks like on a daily basis.
But what you are expecting andwanting needs to be realistic
because we're all humans.
Like I said, I am a mom, I havehealth issues, and so we need to
be consistent about what we'rewanting, what we're needing.

(02:59):
And so that may look like nothaving a scene every single
night.
Um, that might not be realistic.
So you want to respect bothpartners' daily lives, what they
have to deal with throughout theday, and what their
responsibilities are.
So what this looks like intopractice, so instead of maybe

(03:21):
giving the submissive five tasksto do in a day, maybe just
having them do two or three.
Or again, instead of having adaily scene at the end of the
night, maybe just have a weeklyscene or even a scene every
other week.
The point is you try to have agoal and try to keep that and

(03:43):
maintain it.
So it's a goal that you want toreach.
So again, make it realistic.
Another way you can createconsistency is to integrate
small acts of DS into youreveryday life.
So, some examples of things youcan do or have your partner do.
You can have something like adiscrete collar that they can

(04:04):
wear to kind of keep them in therole, have them send you a
morning text, or you send them amorning text to just kind of set
the day.
You can do journaling, um, havejournal prompts, protocols
around meals and bedtimes.
Another simple thing to do tostay in the mindset and be
consistent is for the submissiveto ask permission to do things.

(04:29):
So for us, I may do mundanethings like do grocery shopping,
but I tell my partner, you know,I need to go grocery shopping.
Is it okay if I go leave rightnow?
So just having to askpermission, is it okay if I take
a nap?
Just little things like thatjust keeps you in that

(04:52):
headspace.
So you want to incorporaterituals, rules, tasks, things
that can be easily adapted tovarious schedules and
environments.
So things that you could doeasily at work, things you can
do, you know, when you're busy.
I know the holiday times are,you know, tend to be busy for

(05:13):
people.
So still having rules andrituals that you can implement
then, even on vacations, justtrying to keep it simple.
And even when you're in public,so you can do something simple
like having code words or evenlike hand signals to really keep
that dynamic alive while you'rein public.

(05:34):
Another simple thing you canincorporate is picking out
clothes for your partner'sapproval, a discrete, spicy text
that you send to your partnerwhile they're at work, or the
Dom can text a command for theirpartner to do while they're at
work, special nightly rituals,like in our case, I meal every

(05:57):
night.
So it's these little things thatreally add up.
They're not huge tasks, they'rejust really small.
So I'm sure if you like made alist of all these things and all
the things you could do and add,and just try to pick, you know,
a couple to start with and tryto make them a habit, and then
you can add more over time.

(06:18):
And one of the best ways to helpyou do this is to utilize
technology to really maintainthat connection.
Because even when you'rephysically apart, you can use
technology to assist you inmaintaining a consistent
dynamic.
So, how we do this is myDominique, we use iPhones, and
so we use our iPhones to setreminders.

(06:38):
Um, he even sets reminders forme on my phone.
We can share tasks with eachother, and so I can click them
off and he can see which onesI've done throughout the day.
It also syncs my submissivejournal and he gets a
notification when I've updatedit.
I can share, you know, spicypictures throughout the day with

(06:59):
him.
And so technology is just agreat tool to keep you
consistent.
And so if you're a member of myDOM sub training course,
definitely check out theresources there for my top apps
and different tools that canhelp you do a lot of these
things and help you stay ontrack.
And then create a routine.
So have a schedule that includestime dedicated to your BDSM

(07:23):
dynamic, because doing that isjust so beneficial.
I always love the saying, whatgets scheduled gets done.
So if you don't schedule it,it's not gonna get done.
So again, you don't want to getoverwhelmed.
So one thing we do is I havethree main tasks to accomplish
throughout the day.
And these are kind of like extrathings that my Dom has assigned

(07:46):
to me on top of some of thoseother daily routines that we do.
And then other things we do arelike maintenance bankings, those
are always fun.
We do a weekly scene, we have acheck-in session once a week.
So these are all things that wecan schedule on the calendar
that we share together so thatway we know that these are

(08:11):
coming up, and then also twoother things we're doing
throughout the week can kind ofbe moved around around our
schedule as a DOM sub couple.
So life does happen.
So your daily and weeklyroutines that you have, they
they need to be flexible, ofcourse, but consistency really
is the main thing.
If you miss a week, acknowledgeit and make sure you pick it up

(08:35):
the next week or the next day.
And your schedule in yourroutine needs to work for both
of you.
So sit down together to reallydesign this and see what works
for both of you, because you maynot know the ins and outs of
each other's schedules, what youhave to do for work and for kids
and all the other things.

(08:56):
So definitely get together withyour partner to create that
schedule.
And of course, if you're amember of the DOM subtraining
course, you actually have accessto my real life daily schedule
and my DOMS too.
So you can use that forinspiration.
And again, let's be real.
Life can be unpredictable, andmaintaining consistency will

(09:17):
sometimes be challenging and youwill have slip-ups.
You may even get into thevanilla rut and get off track.
So, what do you do then?
Well, you want to recognize andacknowledge that you got off
track and you want to do that assoon as possible.
Because if you don't do it assoon as possible, resentment can
build and those feelings canjust fester if you're just

(09:40):
ignoring it and kind of shovingit under the rug.
If it's a DOM that kind ofslacked in their consistency,
then the sub may not trust theirdominant as much anymore.
Or if the sub has been slackingin their tasks and the things
that they're supposed to bedoing, then the DOM may not want
to even try anymore if they seethat the sub isn't even

(10:03):
acknowledging that they're notdoing these things.
So really just put it out there,admit what happened so that way
you can rebuild that trust.
And then just have an opendialogue.
Like what happened?
What caused this?
What are the things that kind ofled up to it?
Were there external pressuresgoing on or other stresses that

(10:26):
were a factor?
Because understanding whatcaused it can help you find a
solution together.
So then you need to figure out asolution.
So you want to developstrategies to prevent this
happening in the future.
So this could be things likeincluding reminders on your
phone, having more frequentcheck-ins.

(10:47):
If you've been checking inweekly and that hasn't been
working, try every other day.
Or if you've only had a check-inonce a month, then try having a
check-in once a week.
Maybe adjusting the scope of thetask and the rules to make them
more manageable.
Um, one example that we did waswe had a task where my dom

(11:10):
wanted me to text him a pictureof like three different panties
for um to choose which one I wasgonna wear that day.
And so I would do that.
I would lay out three and take apicture of the three, and he
would text me which ones towear.
It was fine in the beginning,super, super sexy and fun for

(11:32):
both of us.
But after a while, like I was,you know, scrambling to get
myself ready in the morning,scrambling to get the kids
ready.
I would have errands to go run,and I didn't have time to lay
out three different panties andtake a picture of it.
And so instead of me just notdoing it and not even talking
about it, I brought it to mydom's attention during a weekly

(11:56):
check-in.
I let him know that I wasthankful that he was a giving me
tasks and I wanted to pleasehim, but that this one was a
little too hard to managebecause of my schedule.
And so we adjusted it.
And so now it's only like ifwe're going out, he'll pick what

(12:16):
I wear.
That way he still knows that Irecognize him as my Dom and the
ability to pick what I wear, andthat he can freely assign me
tasks.
And if it is too hard, that I'mgoing to speak up too.
So that's another good thing isyou need to speak up because the

(12:39):
other person needs to trust thatthey can push you a little bit
or stretch your limits a littlebit, and that you will speak up
if it's too much.
And so that's what I did in thatcase.
And so again, if you if you oryour partner slacked in
consistency, you really justwant to stay positive to talk

(13:02):
about all the good things thatyou like about your relationship
instead of just saying what'sgoing wrong, talk about the
things that are going right too,and really just recognize the
effort of your partner.
And that way they'll bemotivated to fix their mistakes
too.
Another thing that can help youget back on track, I would keep
talking about this, but thoseare those like weekly reviews,

(13:27):
those check-ins.
So having regular sessions toreally review your dynamic and
your different communicationstrategies and how slip-ups were
handled, those will go a longway to keep the lines of
dialogue open between the two ofyou and just really enforce that
commitment to growth andimprovement.

(13:47):
And we have monthly reviewsbaked into our all access past.
So definitely check that out ifyou're needing accountability.
And of course, if you get intothat vanilla rut, if you totally
are slacking in consistency andit's happening on an ongoing
basis, I highly encourage you toseek guidance from a BDSM

(14:09):
friendly therapist or a DOM subrelationship coach because they
can provide professional insightand strategies for helping you
to navigate challenges withinyour dynamic.
Because remember that the goalis not to avoid slip-ups
entirely, because that would beunrealistic.
We're all going to slip up,we're all going to maybe slack a

(14:34):
little bit in our tasks.
We're all human, but it's how wehandle them.
And that way we can get rightback on track and get back to
our routines, get back to ourhabits, and that way we are
keeping that consistencythroughout the day.
So definitely to maintainconsistency, set clear
expectations and boundaries, andjust integrate small acts of DS

(14:59):
into your everyday life andutilize technology as much as
possible to maintain thatconnection.
That'll help make it easy foryou.
So you're not just relying onyour memory and your willpower.
Create a schedule and routinesfor you and your partner and
handle any slip-ups the rightway and make adjustments as

(15:20):
needed.
So try out these tips and shareyour experiences or just any
additional advice in thecomments.
But with patience andperseverance, you can build a
consistent Dom Sub dynamic.
If you need help getting startedon your journey, remember I have
a free resource library you cangrab at domsubliving.com slash

(15:41):
free.
It includes access to dozens ofBDSM resources like videos,
workbooks, worksheets, guides.
And again, you can redeem all ofthat for free at
DomSubliving.comslash free.
Thank you for joining me andbeing a part of the Dom Sub
Living community.
You can check out all of thedetails and links for this
episode in the description andshow notes.

(16:03):
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