June 15, 2026 • 24 mins
#143 Most new Dominants make the same mistake: they water themselves down because they're afraid of becoming the stereotypical Dom everyone rolls their eyes at. In this episode, we're sharing how to step into authority without becoming controlling, arrogant, or mean – and why that fear may be holding your dynamic back. Listen now and discover what real dominance looks like.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
One of the biggest lies in BDSMis that dominance comes
(00:04):
naturally.
It doesn't.
Most new dominants spend monthsdoing the exact same thing:
watering themselves down,apologizing for their own
preferences, and second-guessingevery decision they make because
they're terrified of becomingthe stereotypical DOM everybody
rolls their eyes at.
And ironically, that's usuallythe very thing that's killing
(00:27):
their dynamic.
So today I'm going to show youfive ways to be more dominant
without becoming an asshole.
Welcome to the Dom Sublivingpodcast.
Hey, it's Alessandra, and ifyou're brand new here, hi,
welcome.
You found your people.
This show is for anyone who isin or curious about or actively
(00:50):
building a dominant andsubmissive relationship.
We talk about power exchange,BDSM dynamics, the real
day-to-day of DS life, and we doit without shame, without
judgment, and withoutsugarcoating.
And today I wanted to talk aboutwhat I hear from my students
constantly, and I meanconstantly.
(01:12):
This might be the number oneconcern I get from people who
are new to the dominant role.
And I even hear it from peoplewho have been in the lifestyle
for a while.
They come to me and they say,Alessandra, I want to be more
dominant.
I want to actually lead thisdynamic, but I'm scared.
I don't want to come across asan abusive jerk.
(01:36):
I don't want to push mysubmissive away.
I don't want to be the kind ofdominant that uses power as an
excuse to be controlling or meanor just an asshole.
And every single time someonesays that to me, I want to tell
them that that fear and thatworry, it actually tells me a
(01:57):
lot about who you are.
The people who are worried aboutbeing an asshole are almost
never the ones who become one.
It's the people who never askthat question that you have to
watch out for.
They just always assume they'retotally fine and that they're
just God's gift to submissives.
But here's the problem (02:17):
when that fear of being an asshole is
running the show, you end up notshowing up at all.
You water down everyinstruction, you over-explain
your decisions, you apologizefor your own preferences before
you even stated them, and youlaugh nervously right after you
(02:41):
give a command.
And what ends up happening isyour submissive doesn't feel
led.
They feel confused.
Sometimes they actually startmanaging you and filling in the
gaps and making decisionsbecause no one else is.
And then that all leads to thesub topping from the bottom or
(03:02):
the DOM bottoming from the top.
And that is the exact oppositeof the dynamic you both want.
So today I'm giving you fivethings.
They're tangible and specificand actionable.
And every single one of themwill help you show up as more
dominant without any of theasshole behavior that neither
(03:23):
you or your sub signed up for.
So first, point number one, becalm when things go wrong.
Here's something I want you toreally sit with.
Anybody can feel powerful wheneverything is good and going
according to plan.
Like, what did Mike Tyson say?
Everybody has a plan until theyget punched in the face.
(03:45):
But let's say the scene isflowing beautifully, your
submissive is in a greatheadspace, and everything just
lands exactly the way youintended.
That's fine and dandy.
That's easy.
That's the fun part.
The real test of a dominant, andthat actually defines your
authority, is what happens whenthings fall apart.
(04:09):
What do you do when a scene goessideways, or when your
submissive makes a mistake, orwhen your emotions get messy and
it stops being sexy, and it'sjust hard when real life stress
just kind of bleeds into yourdynamic and you're tired and
frustrated and you can see itall over your face.
(04:31):
I have a student, I'll call himM.
He came to me because hissubmissive had started pulling
back from their dynamic.
Like they didn't want to doscenes as often, they seemed
distant and checked out.
(04:53):
She said, When something goeswrong, you get this sharp edge
in your voice, and I stopfeeling safe.
And I feel like I'm walking oneggshells.
M wasn't yelling at her, hewasn't cruel, he wasn't doing
anything dramatically wrong.
But he had this kind of clipped,tense tone that showed up
(05:16):
whenever he was stressed.
And his submissive has startedlike associating scenes and
protocols with the possibilityof that energy.
And so she kind of just beenquietly avoiding them.
So here's what I want you tounderstand in what I told my
student.
A calm dominant is a lot oftimes more intimidating than an
(05:40):
angry one.
Because when you stay steady,when things get hard, you are
communicating something that noamount of commands ever could.
You're saying, I've got this,you're safe with me.
So how do you actually do thisin practice?
Well, when something goes wrongin a scene or you have a
(06:02):
disagreement, lower your voiceinstead of raising it.
Slow down instead of speedingup.
If you need a moment, take one.
All you have to say is, give mea second.
This is one of the most dominantthings you can say.
It's not weakness, it's justregulation.
It's proof that you are incontrol of yourself, which is
(06:26):
the first step to being incontrol of someone else.
And in protocols or in dailylife, it's the same principle.
If your submissive makes amistake, the correction lands so
much harder when it comes from acalm, steady place than when it
comes out in a burst offrustration.
(06:47):
Like, man, my Dom can have me ina submissive, obedient puddle if
he just lowers his voice andtalks slowly to me.
So save the intensity for themoments that actually call for
it.
Now, point two is something Italk about constantly in my
community because it's the causeof so much unnecessary conflict
(07:09):
in DS relationships, and it hasnothing to do with dominance or
submission.
It has to do with something muchmore basic.
So here's what I mean.
So point number two is make yourexpectations crystal clear.
I cannot tell you how manydynamics have been a struggle
(07:29):
because the dominant was toovague.
Here's what that actually lookslike.
So let's say a dominant wantstheir submissive to greet them
when they come home.
Maybe they're thinking likekneeling, maybe a specific
phrase, maybe just eye contactand silence.
Whatever it is, they have apicture in their head of how
(07:51):
they want it to go.
But they never say it out loud.
They assume their submissivewill just feel it and figure it
out and just know.
So the submissive doesn't do itthe quote unquote right way.
And the dominant gets cold anddistant, the submissive feels
(08:12):
punished but doesn't know why.
And then tension starts tobuild, and nobody talks about
it.
And after a few weeks of this,the submissive starts to feel
like they can never do anythingright.
And the dominant feels liketheir submissive just doesn't
care.
And when it finally comes out,the submissive says, I didn't
(08:34):
know that's what you wanted.
And the dominant says, I thoughtit was obvious.
It was not obvious, it wasassumed.
So here's the reframe I want togive you.
Clarity is not a lack ofdominance.
Clarity is an act of leadership.
When you tell someone exactlywhat you expect and you do it
(08:57):
calmly and specifically, you aregiving them a real chance to
actually succeed.
You're setting them up to pleaseyou.
That is dominant behavior.
The vague dominant who punishesfor unspoken roles isn't
powerful.
They're just confusing.
And confusion just erodes trustfaster than almost anything else
(09:23):
in a DS dynamic.
I tell my dominance, I coachthat you need to set your
submissive up to succeed, not tofail.
So say what you want, not justwhat you don't want.
So saying something like, Idon't like how that went is not
an expectation, but saying, whenwe're in the dynamic, I want you
(09:44):
to ask permission before youspeak during a scene.
That's an expectation.
So give it once clearly withoutbeing wishy-washy.
And if you find yourselfrepeating and nagging and
escalating, before you react, goback and honestly ask yourself,
was my expectation actuallyclear?
(10:05):
Or did I just assume theyalready knew?
And like all things in thislifestyle, this matters inside
scenes and outside them.
So be clear and to the point.
Use your words, be intentionalevery time.
Now, number three is the onethat makes a lot of dominance
push back when I bring it upbecause it feels like it should
(10:28):
actually hurt your authority.
But I'm going to show you why itdoes the exact opposite.
So, point number three is ownyour mistakes without losing
your authority.
And I hear this objection allthe time.
Like, if I admit I was wrong,won't my submissive lose respect
for me?
(10:48):
Doesn't that undermine myposition?
And my answer is always thesame.
Authority built on ego isfragile, but authority built on
integrity is stable.
Think about the dominance yougenuinely respect, like in your
life, in the community, like inany context.
(11:11):
I bet they're not people who arenever wrong.
They're people who handle beingwrong with that same steadiness
and maturity that they bring toeverything else.
They don't collapse and spiralwhen they make a mistake.
They don't get defensive.
They just own it and keepmoving.
(11:33):
I remember a long time ago, myDom kind of misjudged something
in the scene.
And he pushed close to a limitthat we had discussed, but we
didn't really firmly establishit.
And I ended up using my safeword.
And afterward, instead ofdefending himself or justifying
(11:56):
it or turning it into aconversation about how I should
have communicated better, hejust said, I misjudged that.
(13:35):
That's on me.
I want to talk about whathappened and make sure I fully
understand where your lines are.
And wow, that was one of thethings that helped me trust him
completely and want to submitand go even farther with him.
So it's not the impressivescenes and not the strict
(13:58):
protocols.
It was the moment that he said,I was wrong.
And here's the thing (14:03):
you can own a mistake and still be the
one in charge.
And actually doing it wellreinforces that you are the one
in charge because you'remodeling the exact kind of
accountability and honesty youwant from your submissive.
You cannot ask for vulnerabilityand trust from someone.
(14:26):
You're not willing to offer thatto yourself.
So the next time you getsomething wrong, and you will,
because we all do, resist theurge to defend or deflect.
Just say it plainly, say whatyou're going to do differently,
and just move forward.
That is dominance.
(14:48):
Okay, point number four is shiftyour mindset.
And I mean some very specificshifts.
So a lot of aspiring dominantsare actually undermining
themselves before they ever givean instruction.
And it has to do with what'sgoing on internally for them.
(15:09):
And it really shows yoursubmissive can feel it even when
you don't say anything.
So here are three patterns I seeconstantly.
And I want you to honestly checkwhether any of these are your
patterns.
So pattern one is shrinking andover-apologizing for your
(15:31):
preferences.
So you want something done acertain way.
And instead of saying it, youhem and ha until it just barely
exists.
Like you say, I kind of like itwhen you do X, Y, and Z, but
it's totally fine if you don'twant to.
That's not stating a preference.
(15:52):
That's asking for permission toeven have one.
You do not need permission toknow what you want.
Say it like you mean it.
And then pattern two is askingpermission for things within
your agreed dynamic.
If you and your partner haveestablished a Dia structure
together, you do not need tocheck in every five minutes
(16:15):
about whether it's okay to bedominant right now.
My dominant actually did that alot in the very beginning of our
dynamic, and it absolutely droveme nuts.
So that constant second guessingactually creates more anxiety
for your submissive, not less.
Obviously, stay in tune withthem, obviously communicate
(16:37):
everything, but there is a realdifference between checking in
because you care and checking inbecause you're afraid of your
own role.
Learn to tell the difference.
And then pattern three isconstantly justifying your
standards.
So, say you have a preferencefor how your space is kept or
(16:59):
how you're spoken to or howcertain rituals are done.
You don't owe anyone a 10-minuteexplanation for why.
Stating a standard and thenfeeling like you have to defend
it at length, it just signalsthat you're not sure you're
allowed to even feel that way orhave that preference.
(17:20):
So say it, hold it, let it standon its own.
So the mindset underneath allthree of these is the same.
Like you're not sure you'reallowed to be this person.
But what I want to tell you isyes, you are.
That's exactly why you're here.
Now, real quick before we getinto the fifth way to be more
(17:43):
dominant without being anasshole.
If you have been wanting to stepfully into your dominant role,
but you're not sure where tostart, I have something free for
you.
It's called How to Be a GoodDom.
It's a quick start guide, andyou can grab it right now at
Domsubliving.com slash Dom.
A lot of my students tell meit's the thing that finally made
(18:04):
it all click for them.
So go get it, domsubliving.comslash dom.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
Okay, we've been saving the mosttactical point for last.
So point five is all bodylanguage.
So your body is alreadycommunicating.
The only question is what is itsaying?
(18:27):
You can do everything else rightand like have clear
expectations, a calm energy, astrong mindset, and you can
still walk into a room andimmediately undermine all of it
with your body language becausepresence is felt before anything
is said.
Like before you open your mouth,your submissive is already
(18:50):
reading you, and so is everyoneelse in the room.
So I'm going to break this downinto five specific things really
quick.
Just start with one or two,though.
You don't need to overhauleverything at once.
So, one, posture and taking upspace.
So stand up straight, sit allthe way back in your chair,
(19:11):
plant your feet.
A lot of aspiring dominantsunconsciously make themselves
physically smaller becausethey're afraid of coming across
as arrogant.
And it really does show.
So make sure you have goodposture and take up space.
And then two, slow down yourmovements.
(19:32):
Like nervous people move fast,confident people don't.
When you rush, you just signalanxiety.
But when you move deliberately,you signal that you're not in a
hurry because you don't need tobe.
So walk a little slower, reachfor things like you mean to.
And after you give aninstruction, don't rush to fill
(19:56):
the silence.
Just let your words land.
But basically just stop movingaround like you're late for
something.
And then three is eye contact.
So hold eye contact a secondlonger than it feels
comfortable.
So I'm not talking aboutstaring, but just staying
present.
(20:16):
Most people break eye contactbecause they're uncomfortable.
But dominant presence comes frombeing comfortable holding
someone's attention.
And here's a little bonus tip: don't look away first. (20:28):
undefined
When you're making a point orgiving an instruction to your
sub, hold it.
The person who looks away firstis usually subconsciously being
submissive.
It's a tiny shift, but it has abig impact.
(20:49):
And then four is your voice.
So drop your pitch, slow yourpace, nervous voices go up and
speed up, regulated voices dropand slow down.
Ending statements like questionsmakes you sound like you're
uncertain.
So say what you mean like you'vealready decided it's true.
(21:10):
And then pause.
So after an instruction, after acorrection, stop talking.
Like let it land.
Silence creates space.
Now, if you want to know what tosay and how to say it, and also
how to talk dirty.
If you're an all access pastmember, you have access to the
(21:31):
dominant speech workbook andspeech templates.
Definitely use that.
And you have access to a wholetraining on dirty talk to.
So definitely go into yourdashboard and access that if
you're a member.
Okay, and then just one more tipto be more dominant.
So five is stop nervouslaughing.
So nervous laughing is one ofthe most common things I see in
(21:54):
new dominance, and it completelyundoes the energy they're trying
to build.
So you give an instruction andthen you laugh.
So like go kneel for me.
Um, I guess I'll lie on the bed.
See how like weird that is.
I can barely even imitate it.
So I can almost guarantee thatif you laugh like that, you are
(22:18):
probably giving your submissivethe ick.
So let your words stand on theirown.
Now let's bring it all together.
So here's the five ways to bemore dominant without being an
asshole.
So one, be calm when things gowrong.
That's where real authorityactually shows.
And then two, make yourexpectations crystal clear.
(22:42):
Clarity is leadership.
And then three, own yourmistakes without losing your
authority.
Integrity holds longer than egoever will.
And then four, shift yourmindset.
So stop shrinking, stopjustifying, step into your role
that you have already chosen.
And five, let your body do thework.
(23:05):
So posture, pace, eye contact,voice, and lose that nervous
laugh.
None of these ways require youto be cold, though.
None of them require you to becontrolling or distant or
someone you're submissive isafraid of in the wrong way.
What they require is that youdecide to show up as the
(23:27):
dominant you want to be, andthen practice it until it
becomes who you are.
And here's the thing I want toleave you with.
So that fear you have aboutcoming on too strong, that fear
is actually part of what makesyou a good dominant.
The awareness behind it and thecare behind it.
(23:49):
That's exactly what yoursubmissive needs from you.
Now you just need to channel itinto action instead of letting
it hold you back.
If you want to go deeper onthis, grab that free quick start
guide, how to be a good dom.
It's at domsubliving.com/slashdom.
It's a great companion toeverything we talked about
(24:11):
today, and it's a solidfoundation if you're building
your dominant role from theground up.
If today's episode was useful toyou, leave a review if you
haven't yet.
It takes about 30 seconds and itgenuinely helps more people find
this show.
But until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Subliving.
One of the biggest lies in BDSMis that dominance comes
(00:04):
naturally.
It doesn't.
Most new dominants spend monthsdoing the exact same thing:
watering themselves down,apologizing for their own
preferences, and second-guessingevery decision they make because
they're terrified of becomingthe stereotypical DOM everybody
rolls their eyes at.
And ironically, that's usuallythe very thing that's killing
(00:27):
their dynamic.
So today I'm going to show youfive ways to be more dominant
without becoming an asshole.
Welcome to the Dom Sublivingpodcast.
Hey, it's Alessandra, and ifyou're brand new here, hi,
welcome.
You found your people.
This show is for anyone who isin or curious about or actively
(00:50):
building a dominant andsubmissive relationship.
We talk about power exchange,BDSM dynamics, the real
day-to-day of DS life, and we doit without shame, without
judgment, and withoutsugarcoating.
And today I wanted to talk aboutwhat I hear from my students
constantly, and I meanconstantly.
(01:12):
This might be the number oneconcern I get from people who
are new to the dominant role.
And I even hear it from peoplewho have been in the lifestyle
for a while.
They come to me and they say,Alessandra, I want to be more
dominant.
I want to actually lead thisdynamic, but I'm scared.
I don't want to come across asan abusive jerk.
(01:36):
I don't want to push mysubmissive away.
I don't want to be the kind ofdominant that uses power as an
excuse to be controlling or meanor just an asshole.
And every single time someonesays that to me, I want to tell
them that that fear and thatworry, it actually tells me a
(01:57):
lot about who you are.
The people who are worried aboutbeing an asshole are almost
never the ones who become one.
It's the people who never askthat question that you have to
watch out for.
They just always assume they'retotally fine and that they're
just God's gift to submissives.
But here's the problem (02:17):
when that fear of being an asshole is
running the show, you end up notshowing up at all.
You water down everyinstruction, you over-explain
your decisions, you apologizefor your own preferences before
you even stated them, and youlaugh nervously right after you
(02:41):
give a command.
And what ends up happening isyour submissive doesn't feel
led.
They feel confused.
Sometimes they actually startmanaging you and filling in the
gaps and making decisionsbecause no one else is.
And then that all leads to thesub topping from the bottom or
(03:02):
the DOM bottoming from the top.
And that is the exact oppositeof the dynamic you both want.
So today I'm giving you fivethings.
They're tangible and specificand actionable.
And every single one of themwill help you show up as more
dominant without any of theasshole behavior that neither
(03:23):
you or your sub signed up for.
So first, point number one, becalm when things go wrong.
Here's something I want you toreally sit with.
Anybody can feel powerful wheneverything is good and going
according to plan.
Like, what did Mike Tyson say?
Everybody has a plan until theyget punched in the face.
(03:45):
But let's say the scene isflowing beautifully, your
submissive is in a greatheadspace, and everything just
lands exactly the way youintended.
That's fine and dandy.
That's easy.
That's the fun part.
The real test of a dominant, andthat actually defines your
authority, is what happens whenthings fall apart.
(04:09):
What do you do when a scene goessideways, or when your
submissive makes a mistake, orwhen your emotions get messy and
it stops being sexy, and it'sjust hard when real life stress
just kind of bleeds into yourdynamic and you're tired and
frustrated and you can see itall over your face.
(04:31):
I have a student, I'll call himM.
He came to me because hissubmissive had started pulling
back from their dynamic.
Like they didn't want to doscenes as often, they seemed
distant and checked out.
(04:53):
She said, When something goeswrong, you get this sharp edge
in your voice, and I stopfeeling safe.
And I feel like I'm walking oneggshells.
M wasn't yelling at her, hewasn't cruel, he wasn't doing
anything dramatically wrong.
But he had this kind of clipped,tense tone that showed up
(05:16):
whenever he was stressed.
And his submissive has startedlike associating scenes and
protocols with the possibilityof that energy.
And so she kind of just beenquietly avoiding them.
So here's what I want you tounderstand in what I told my
student.
A calm dominant is a lot oftimes more intimidating than an
(05:40):
angry one.
Because when you stay steady,when things get hard, you are
communicating something that noamount of commands ever could.
You're saying, I've got this,you're safe with me.
So how do you actually do thisin practice?
Well, when something goes wrongin a scene or you have a
(06:02):
disagreement, lower your voiceinstead of raising it.
Slow down instead of speedingup.
If you need a moment, take one.
All you have to say is, give mea second.
This is one of the most dominantthings you can say.
It's not weakness, it's justregulation.
It's proof that you are incontrol of yourself, which is
(06:26):
the first step to being incontrol of someone else.
And in protocols or in dailylife, it's the same principle.
If your submissive makes amistake, the correction lands so
much harder when it comes from acalm, steady place than when it
comes out in a burst offrustration.
(06:47):
Like, man, my Dom can have me ina submissive, obedient puddle if
he just lowers his voice andtalks slowly to me.
So save the intensity for themoments that actually call for
it.
Now, point two is something Italk about constantly in my
community because it's the causeof so much unnecessary conflict
(07:09):
in DS relationships, and it hasnothing to do with dominance or
submission.
It has to do with something muchmore basic.
So here's what I mean.
So point number two is make yourexpectations crystal clear.
I cannot tell you how manydynamics have been a struggle
(07:29):
because the dominant was toovague.
Here's what that actually lookslike.
So let's say a dominant wantstheir submissive to greet them
when they come home.
Maybe they're thinking likekneeling, maybe a specific
phrase, maybe just eye contactand silence.
Whatever it is, they have apicture in their head of how
(07:51):
they want it to go.
But they never say it out loud.
They assume their submissivewill just feel it and figure it
out and just know.
So the submissive doesn't do itthe quote unquote right way.
And the dominant gets cold anddistant, the submissive feels
(08:12):
punished but doesn't know why.
And then tension starts tobuild, and nobody talks about
it.
And after a few weeks of this,the submissive starts to feel
like they can never do anythingright.
And the dominant feels liketheir submissive just doesn't
care.
And when it finally comes out,the submissive says, I didn't
(08:34):
know that's what you wanted.
And the dominant says, I thoughtit was obvious.
It was not obvious, it wasassumed.
So here's the reframe I want togive you.
Clarity is not a lack ofdominance.
Clarity is an act of leadership.
When you tell someone exactlywhat you expect and you do it
(08:57):
calmly and specifically, you aregiving them a real chance to
actually succeed.
You're setting them up to pleaseyou.
That is dominant behavior.
The vague dominant who punishesfor unspoken roles isn't
powerful.
They're just confusing.
And confusion just erodes trustfaster than almost anything else
(09:23):
in a DS dynamic.
I tell my dominance, I coachthat you need to set your
submissive up to succeed, not tofail.
So say what you want, not justwhat you don't want.
So saying something like, Idon't like how that went is not
an expectation, but saying, whenwe're in the dynamic, I want you
(09:44):
to ask permission before youspeak during a scene.
That's an expectation.
So give it once clearly withoutbeing wishy-washy.
And if you find yourselfrepeating and nagging and
escalating, before you react, goback and honestly ask yourself,
was my expectation actuallyclear?
(10:05):
Or did I just assume theyalready knew?
And like all things in thislifestyle, this matters inside
scenes and outside them.
So be clear and to the point.
Use your words, be intentionalevery time.
Now, number three is the onethat makes a lot of dominance
push back when I bring it upbecause it feels like it should
(10:28):
actually hurt your authority.
But I'm going to show you why itdoes the exact opposite.
So, point number three is ownyour mistakes without losing
your authority.
And I hear this objection allthe time.
Like, if I admit I was wrong,won't my submissive lose respect
for me?
(10:48):
Doesn't that undermine myposition?
And my answer is always thesame.
Authority built on ego isfragile, but authority built on
integrity is stable.
Think about the dominance yougenuinely respect, like in your
life, in the community, like inany context.
(11:11):
I bet they're not people who arenever wrong.
They're people who handle beingwrong with that same steadiness
and maturity that they bring toeverything else.
They don't collapse and spiralwhen they make a mistake.
They don't get defensive.
They just own it and keepmoving.
(11:33):
I remember a long time ago, myDom kind of misjudged something
in the scene.
And he pushed close to a limitthat we had discussed, but we
didn't really firmly establishit.
And I ended up using my safeword.
And afterward, instead ofdefending himself or justifying
(11:56):
it or turning it into aconversation about how I should
have communicated better, hejust said, I misjudged that.
(13:35):
That's on me.
I want to talk about whathappened and make sure I fully
understand where your lines are.
And wow, that was one of thethings that helped me trust him
completely and want to submitand go even farther with him.
So it's not the impressivescenes and not the strict
(13:58):
protocols.
It was the moment that he said,I was wrong.
And here's the thing (14:03):
you can own a mistake and still be the
one in charge.
And actually doing it wellreinforces that you are the one
in charge because you'remodeling the exact kind of
accountability and honesty youwant from your submissive.
You cannot ask for vulnerabilityand trust from someone.
(14:26):
You're not willing to offer thatto yourself.
So the next time you getsomething wrong, and you will,
because we all do, resist theurge to defend or deflect.
Just say it plainly, say whatyou're going to do differently,
and just move forward.
That is dominance.
(14:48):
Okay, point number four is shiftyour mindset.
And I mean some very specificshifts.
So a lot of aspiring dominantsare actually undermining
themselves before they ever givean instruction.
And it has to do with what'sgoing on internally for them.
(15:09):
And it really shows yoursubmissive can feel it even when
you don't say anything.
So here are three patterns I seeconstantly.
And I want you to honestly checkwhether any of these are your
patterns.
So pattern one is shrinking andover-apologizing for your
(15:31):
preferences.
So you want something done acertain way.
And instead of saying it, youhem and ha until it just barely
exists.
Like you say, I kind of like itwhen you do X, Y, and Z, but
it's totally fine if you don'twant to.
That's not stating a preference.
(15:52):
That's asking for permission toeven have one.
You do not need permission toknow what you want.
Say it like you mean it.
And then pattern two is askingpermission for things within
your agreed dynamic.
If you and your partner haveestablished a Dia structure
together, you do not need tocheck in every five minutes
(16:15):
about whether it's okay to bedominant right now.
My dominant actually did that alot in the very beginning of our
dynamic, and it absolutely droveme nuts.
So that constant second guessingactually creates more anxiety
for your submissive, not less.
Obviously, stay in tune withthem, obviously communicate
(16:37):
everything, but there is a realdifference between checking in
because you care and checking inbecause you're afraid of your
own role.
Learn to tell the difference.
And then pattern three isconstantly justifying your
standards.
So, say you have a preferencefor how your space is kept or
(16:59):
how you're spoken to or howcertain rituals are done.
You don't owe anyone a 10-minuteexplanation for why.
Stating a standard and thenfeeling like you have to defend
it at length, it just signalsthat you're not sure you're
allowed to even feel that way orhave that preference.
(17:20):
So say it, hold it, let it standon its own.
So the mindset underneath allthree of these is the same.
Like you're not sure you'reallowed to be this person.
But what I want to tell you isyes, you are.
That's exactly why you're here.
Now, real quick before we getinto the fifth way to be more
(17:43):
dominant without being anasshole.
If you have been wanting to stepfully into your dominant role,
but you're not sure where tostart, I have something free for
you.
It's called How to Be a GoodDom.
It's a quick start guide, andyou can grab it right now at
Domsubliving.com slash Dom.
A lot of my students tell meit's the thing that finally made
(18:04):
it all click for them.
So go get it, domsubliving.comslash dom.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
Okay, we've been saving the mosttactical point for last.
So point five is all bodylanguage.
So your body is alreadycommunicating.
The only question is what is itsaying?
(18:27):
You can do everything else rightand like have clear
expectations, a calm energy, astrong mindset, and you can
still walk into a room andimmediately undermine all of it
with your body language becausepresence is felt before anything
is said.
Like before you open your mouth,your submissive is already
(18:50):
reading you, and so is everyoneelse in the room.
So I'm going to break this downinto five specific things really
quick.
Just start with one or two,though.
You don't need to overhauleverything at once.
So, one, posture and taking upspace.
So stand up straight, sit allthe way back in your chair,
(19:11):
plant your feet.
A lot of aspiring dominantsunconsciously make themselves
physically smaller becausethey're afraid of coming across
as arrogant.
And it really does show.
So make sure you have goodposture and take up space.
And then two, slow down yourmovements.
(19:32):
Like nervous people move fast,confident people don't.
When you rush, you just signalanxiety.
But when you move deliberately,you signal that you're not in a
hurry because you don't need tobe.
So walk a little slower, reachfor things like you mean to.
And after you give aninstruction, don't rush to fill
(19:56):
the silence.
Just let your words land.
But basically just stop movingaround like you're late for
something.
And then three is eye contact.
So hold eye contact a secondlonger than it feels
comfortable.
So I'm not talking aboutstaring, but just staying
present.
(20:16):
Most people break eye contactbecause they're uncomfortable.
But dominant presence comes frombeing comfortable holding
someone's attention.
And here's a little bonus tip: don't look away first. (20:28):
undefined
When you're making a point orgiving an instruction to your
sub, hold it.
The person who looks away firstis usually subconsciously being
submissive.
It's a tiny shift, but it has abig impact.
(20:49):
And then four is your voice.
So drop your pitch, slow yourpace, nervous voices go up and
speed up, regulated voices dropand slow down.
Ending statements like questionsmakes you sound like you're
uncertain.
So say what you mean like you'vealready decided it's true.
(21:10):
And then pause.
So after an instruction, after acorrection, stop talking.
Like let it land.
Silence creates space.
Now, if you want to know what tosay and how to say it, and also
how to talk dirty.
If you're an all access pastmember, you have access to the
(21:31):
dominant speech workbook andspeech templates.
Definitely use that.
And you have access to a wholetraining on dirty talk to.
So definitely go into yourdashboard and access that if
you're a member.
Okay, and then just one more tipto be more dominant.
So five is stop nervouslaughing.
So nervous laughing is one ofthe most common things I see in
(21:54):
new dominance, and it completelyundoes the energy they're trying
to build.
So you give an instruction andthen you laugh.
So like go kneel for me.
Um, I guess I'll lie on the bed.
See how like weird that is.
I can barely even imitate it.
So I can almost guarantee thatif you laugh like that, you are
(22:18):
probably giving your submissivethe ick.
So let your words stand on theirown.
Now let's bring it all together.
So here's the five ways to bemore dominant without being an
asshole.
So one, be calm when things gowrong.
That's where real authorityactually shows.
And then two, make yourexpectations crystal clear.
(22:42):
Clarity is leadership.
And then three, own yourmistakes without losing your
authority.
Integrity holds longer than egoever will.
And then four, shift yourmindset.
So stop shrinking, stopjustifying, step into your role
that you have already chosen.
And five, let your body do thework.
(23:05):
So posture, pace, eye contact,voice, and lose that nervous
laugh.
None of these ways require youto be cold, though.
None of them require you to becontrolling or distant or
someone you're submissive isafraid of in the wrong way.
What they require is that youdecide to show up as the
(23:27):
dominant you want to be, andthen practice it until it
becomes who you are.
And here's the thing I want toleave you with.
So that fear you have aboutcoming on too strong, that fear
is actually part of what makesyou a good dominant.
The awareness behind it and thecare behind it.
(23:49):
That's exactly what yoursubmissive needs from you.
Now you just need to channel itinto action instead of letting
it hold you back.
If you want to go deeper onthis, grab that free quick start
guide, how to be a good dom.
It's at domsubliving.com/slashdom.
It's a great companion toeverything we talked about
(24:11):
today, and it's a solidfoundation if you're building
your dominant role from theground up.
If today's episode was useful toyou, leave a review if you
haven't yet.
It takes about 30 seconds and itgenuinely helps more people find
this show.
But until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Subliving.
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