How to Keep Your D/s Dynamic Alive When Life Gets Busy

#144 If your D/s dynamic only exists when life is easy, that might be why it keeps falling apart.

What do you do when stress, illness, family obligations, or major life changes push your Dom/sub role to the back burner? In this episode, I share the mindset shift that changed everything for me and how to identify the non-negotiables that keep a BDSM relationship strong during life's busiest seasons.

As you listen, ask yourself: What are the non-negotiables that keep you connected to your role, your partner, and your dynamic no matter what life throws your way?

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
One of the biggest mistakes I see in DS
relationships is treating thedynamic like it's a hobby,
something you do when you havetime.
And I know it sounds harsh, butif your DS dynamic only exists
when life is easy, that might beexactly why it keeps falling
apart.
Life doesn't magically get lessbusy.

(00:21):
So if your dynamic keeps gettingpushed to the back burner every
time things get stressful, thisepisode might completely change
how you think about DS.
Welcome to the Dom Sub-LivingPodcast.
Hey, it's Alessandra, andtoday's episode is actually a
replay from one of our coachingcalls inside the All X Pass
community.

(00:42):
One of our members asked aquestion that I hear all the
time.
What do you do when life getsbusy?
When you're moving, changingjobs, dealing with stress,
illness, familyresponsibilities, or just trying
to survive?
How do you keep your DS dynamicfrom getting pushed to the back
burner?
So if you've ever feltdisconnected from your role,

(01:03):
your partner, or the lifestyleduring a stressful season of
life, you're not alone.
The mistake most people make istreating their dynamic like
something they can put on pauseuntil life settles down.

But here's the problem (01:17):
life rarely settles down.
There's always anotherchallenge, another obligation,
another reason to wait untillater.
So in this coaching call, I'mgoing to share the mindset shift
that completely changed how Iapproach DS.
I'm going to share why I believeyour dynamic shouldn't be

(01:37):
something you turn on and off.
And I'll even show you how toidentify the non-negotiables
that keep your connectionstrong, even during life's
busiest seasons.
Let's listen in.
So Adora says, How do you stayconnected to your respective
identities during major lifechanges?
I feel like Kink gets pushed onthe back burner during life

(02:00):
changes and survival mode.
Um, I'm struggling to balance,let's table the entire Kink part
of our dynamic until we'resettled, versus I need to be
connected to this headspace inmy identity, RDS dynamic to feel
safe and secure.
So how do you like navigatethose?

(02:21):
So this question like comes up alot in our program, actually.
Um, and the number one thing toprevent this from happening is
just like your mindset.
I know that sounds so likesilly, but like it's how you
reframe it, it's what yourviewpoint is.

(02:41):
Um, because if you're wanting tomake this a lifestyle, if you're
wanting this dynamic to work, itshould be, it should never be
something that you turn on oroff or that you put on a back
burner.
Um, and the illustration Ialways give is like if you got
married and you're in a marriagenow and times get stressful, you

(03:02):
wouldn't say, like, I need toput my marriage on the back
burner.
Like, you know, um, because youhad given the example of, you
know, moving across the country,and we actually just moved
across state uh last September.
So like we know the stress of amove.
Um, so yeah, you would neversay, okay, well, we're moving

(03:24):
now or we're changing jobs, solike I need to put my marriage
on the back burner.
Or if you have kids, you wouldnever say, like, I need to table
being a parent right now becausethis is just too stressful.
So just that little shift oflike, this isn't something I'm
gonna turn on or off.
This isn't something I'm gonnatable.
This isn't something I'm gonnaput on the back burner.

(03:45):
You know, just like my role as aparent, just as my role as a
spouse, I'm not turning this onand off.
So, what do you do?
So um, I like to say, like, havesome non-negotiables, like
things you do no matter what.
Um, so like the analogy with thechildren, it's like, yeah, if

(04:07):
you're doing a move and you'renot gonna put being a parent on
the back burner, there's gonnabe some non-negotiables.
Like maybe it's having dinnertogether as a family, um, you
know, taking your kid to schoolin the morning.
So, um, with your DS dynamic,it's the same thing.
Figure out what thosenon-negotiables are.

(04:30):
So I can give you some examplesto get started, but these are
just again my examples.
So, like some non-negotiablesfor us is kneeling every night.
Like, literally, like, even ifhe's not here for whatever
reason, like I am expected tokneel.
Our weekly check-in is anothernon-negotiable.
Um, maintenance banking.

(04:51):
So, like once a week, once aweek he does a maintenance
banking.
Um, regular orgasms arenon-negotiable and having a
weekly scene, even if it's justlike a small one, but having
like some form of bondage and SMplay, having that weekly, those
are non-negotiables.
So whether or not like it's acrazy week, it's a crazy month,

(05:17):
quarter year, like we keep thosenon-negotiables.
And just reframing it that,like, no matter how crazy things
are, it's not like, oh, I needto just like not be a sub right
now.
Like, no, I'm always a sub.
I'm never gonna say, like, uh,things are crazy, I need to not
be a parent right now.

(05:37):
Like, I think it's just a littletweak in the mindset.
And once like you make thattweak, I think it becomes so
much easier.
Because if you allow yourself totable it, like you said, table
it.
If you have that ability, you'regonna do it.
Like, if you know, like, oh, ifif things get really hard, I

(05:57):
know I can just like put this tothe side and pick it up when
things are easier.
Like, let's be honest, when arethings gonna get easier?
Like, never, like, they're not.
If anything, they're gonna getharder.
So, yeah, pick yournon-negotiables and just like
make that tweak with yourmindset.
All right, so my biggesttakeaway for you, the person

(06:19):
listening to this podcast, is ifyou want DS to be a lifestyle,
it can't be something you onlydo when life is easy.
Life is always going to throwchallenges your way.
There's always going to beanother busy season, another
obligation, another reason towait until later.
So instead of asking, when can Iget back into my role as a Dom

(06:43):
or sub, ask yourself, what arethe non-negotiables that keep me
connected no matter what?
If you'd like more BDSM and DSand Kink Education, join our
free community atdomsubliving.comslash community.
You'll get access to ourannouncements, updates,
resources, boot camps, and freetrainings.

(07:05):
And if you'd like your questionsanswered just like in today's
episode, check out the allaccess pass at
domsubliving.comslash allaccess.
You'll get access to all of ourpast coaching calls, courses,
our private forums, and theopportunity to chat with me
during our one to one privatementoring sessions.
Everything you need is in theshow notes.

(07:26):
But until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Sub Living.