Why Stressed Doms Pull Back (and What to Do About It)

#132 The Dom is stressed – and your dynamic is paying the price. In this episode, we answer a real coaching call question about what to do when the Dom checks out under pressure. Learn how to spot red flags, how the sub can stay grounded in submission, and why stress might actually strengthen your dynamic. If this sounds familiar, you need to hear this episode.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
If you're a dumb who's been under a lot of
pressure lately and you've kindof let the dynamic slip, this
one's for you.
And if you're a son who'swatching that happen and feeling
lost about what to do, thisone's definitely for you too.
I'm Alexandra from DomSubliving, and today's episode
comes from a real coaching callinside our Dom Subtraining

(00:23):
course.
Because stress doesn't have tomean your dynamic has to go on
pause, and I'm gonna show youwhy and what to do about it.
Welcome to the Dom Sublivingpodcast.
Okay, so Rose says, my Dom isgoing through a lot of stress
right now and has taken a tollon him.
As a result, it feels as therehas been a bit of a shift with

(00:46):
our dynamic.
To me, it feels as if I'mworking hard on my submission
and he is not as much of apresence as he always has been.
And I mean in terms of DSdynamics, he is present
otherwise.
Although he has reassured methat this shift is
stress-related and temporary,I'm feeling quite reluctant in
my submission to the point ofasking for a break in my

(01:09):
training, which was granted.
I do not mean for this to soundtit for tat, I'm just struggling
to find the place, that place ofsubmission and service.
Any ideas on how to overcomethis?
So you had said that that it istemporary and usually due to
stress.
So my question would be, is itreally temporary?

(01:32):
Like, what are we talking about?
Like, is this a week, a fewdays?
And then it does it keephappening?
Because if it's like, okay,well, this is a really busy week
for him, and so he's superstressful and it's kind of
backing off, and then nextweek's okay, but then he's
stressed again, and then it kindof goes back and forth, you
know, that's not reallytemporary, that's kind of

(01:54):
predictable and ongoing.
So just some things to thinkabout.
But one thing I'm curious too iswhen he's stressed and he kind
of backs off as a DOM, is healso doing that in other areas
of his life?
So if he's say he's stressedabout work, is he kind of not

(02:17):
doing like exercise as much?
Is he not hanging out with hisfriends as much?
Is he kind of dropping the ballin other areas, or is it just
kind of neglecting you?
And I know you're you're thesub, but like with Jay, a lot of
times when he is more stressed,he actually I think ups his game

(02:38):
as a Dom.
And this isn't like to say thisis how he your DOM should be,
but it's just something to thinkabout too.
That and he and your Dom may notrealize he can do this, but you
know, a Dom, when they're morestressed, they can definitely,
you know, use their sub more.
You know, if you guys are longdistance, he can have you send
pictures, do more tasks.

(02:59):
Because a lot of times, like Iknow with Jay, like when he
feels like he can't control thethings around him, like with
work or whatever, he focuses onthe thing he can control, which
is me.
So, um, and kind of like I said,ups his game.
Yeah, and just show him how likebeing more present in his
dominance can really benefit himin that way and help him be less

(03:22):
stressed.
But um, one thing I was gonnamention too, just to be aware of
if it's just you that he is kindof backing off with.
Because like for me, I know I'mthe sub, but if I'm starting to
slack as a submissive, and Itell Jay, you know, I'm sorry,
I'm just super stressed thisweek.
This is a really hard week, buthe sees like I'm doing fine in

(03:46):
all other areas of my life.
You know, I'm killing it on theblog, I'm doing really good with
homeschooling, you know, I'mexercising constantly like I
want to, then it might, youknow, kind of be a red flag,
like, well, why am I letting mymy role drop, but not these
other areas of my life.
But usually he can tell if I'mlike, oh, if I'm, you know, I'm

(04:08):
a couple days behind withhomeschooling and you know, I
haven't exercised in a coupledays, and then he kind of knows,
oh, she really is stressed andwe need to figure out a way to
make this work.
So kind of to see is he, youknow, neglecting other areas of
his life or is it just you?
But then um, like I said, alsoshowing him that, you know, hey,
you can, you know, I'm here foryou to use to kind of de-stress,

(04:33):
and you know, you may not beable to control these different
areas of your life, but youknow, you have me to control.
Um, and he just may not berealizing it.
And he also just may not realizehow like negatively it affects
you.
He may be aware that okay, I I'sslacking, but it's due to
stress, so it's okay, and we'lljust pick up.

(04:53):
But if he sees like, oh wow, Ididn't realize this was really
affecting my submissive in thisway, and and that it wasn't okay
what I was doing, that they werewanting more, then he may be
more understanding and realize,okay, like I need up my game.
But as far as how to overcomeit, you know, finding ways to be

(05:15):
submissive that kind of doesn'trevolve around him, like so
having your own rituals, yourown self-care, your own goals,
things like that.
And hopefully it is temporary,but I mean, do know that you can
take a break.
You know, it's not something Ialways recommend, but if you
have a Dom and he's superstressed right now and he's

(05:36):
taking a break from his role,then it may not make the most
sense to for you to kind of keepserving him in that way if he
doesn't want to reciprocate.
So a break may be the bestthing.
But you know, if he's notcompletely taking a break and
it's just he's having a hardtime juggling things, you know,

(05:57):
then I would try to make itwork.
But yeah, hopefully it istemporary.
You can let me know more in thecommunity and okay, so that was
such a good reminder that astressed DOM isn't necessarily a
bad DOM.
Sometimes they just need alittle redirection.
And that goes both ways.

(06:17):
If you're the DOM, lean in.
If you're the sub, communicate.
And if you want a realstep-by-step roadmap for
navigating all of it, our DomSub training course is exactly
that.
It's open right now.
The link is in the description,and the price is going up soon,
so jump in while you can.
Thanks for being here, and untilnext time, keep embracing your

(06:40):
power and pleasure through DomSub Living.