February 26, 2026 • 20 mins
We share nineteen years of marriage lessons shaped by ice storms, farm stress, career upheaval, and raising teens, and how self-work, affection, and grace created deeper roots. The theme is simple: ditch the 50-50 myth, own your capacity, and practice repair in real time.
• Iowa Beef Expo recap and family moments
• Anniversary ice storm wedding story and resilience
• Letting go of projections and false expectations
• Self-love as the base for giving love
• Clear venting vs fixing and consent to unload
• Affection as daily practice in front of kids
• 100% mindset over 50-50 scorekeeping
• Energy management, burnout, and seasons
• Growing through trauma and building family roots
• Modeling imperfect love and repair for children
• Practical advice for timing, language, and grace
If there's something that you would like to ask us or have an idea for a podcast, we'd love to hear from you at farmersgreatass asset at gmail.com
Look us up on all the socials at farmersgreat assassin
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:17):
The Farmer's Greatest Asset Podcast.
We believe the Farmers GreatestAsset is the Farmer.
Their knowledge, experience,mind, and health.
SPEAKER_01 (00:39):
Well, welcome back to the podcast.
I'm Jesse.
SPEAKER_02 (00:42):
And I'm Dr.
Leah.
SPEAKER_01 (00:44):
We maybe missed a week, but that's okay.
We're back.
SPEAKER_02 (00:51):
It's all perfect timing, honey.
SPEAKER_01 (00:52):
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening.
From whenever and wherever youare, welcome to the podcast.
We did go to the Iowa Beef Expo,and it turned out to be a cold,
snowy, icy one.
SPEAKER_02 (01:09):
It did.
Were we surprised?
SPEAKER_01 (01:12):
Not a bit.
SPEAKER_02 (01:13):
No.
It was 60 degrees the weekbefore.
Actually, Lucy and I came upafter you all went up that
morning on Thursday, and we lefthere, and it was like it was 56
degrees.
And I had sandals on, and I wasgetting warm loading the truck.
(01:35):
And by the time we got up there,it was not 60, almost 60
degrees.
It was freezing cold with icysnow, whatever weather.
Creeping along the road slowlybecause the roads weren't clear.
SPEAKER_01 (01:58):
Welcome to the Iowa Beef Expo.
SPEAKER_02 (02:00):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (02:02):
I don't care what the weather does Monday because
come Thursday, it's probablygonna be cold.
But we had fun, enjoyed it.
Yeah.
Henry enjoyed it.
So Henry, we made it home.
He did, for sure.
SPEAKER_02 (02:18):
So it was good.
SPEAKER_01 (02:19):
It's his element.
SPEAKER_02 (02:21):
It is.
He enjoys it.
He enjoys it.
SPEAKER_01 (02:25):
So we have returned and all is good.
So happy anniversary today.
SPEAKER_02 (02:31):
Happy anniversary to you.
SPEAKER_01 (02:32):
As we are recording this.
SPEAKER_02 (02:35):
Nineteen years.
SPEAKER_01 (02:37):
Married.
19 years.
SPEAKER_02 (02:40):
Together, 20, a little over 20 years.
SPEAKER_01 (02:44):
19 years ago, we were watching the weather and we
thought it's going to be abeautiful weekend.
And we had an ice storm.
SPEAKER_02 (02:53):
Yes, we did.
It was predicted to be 56 or 52,like in the low 50s that
morning.
We thought, oh my goodness,we're going to have such a
beautiful wedding day.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
End of February wedding, 55 degree day.
SPEAKER_02 (03:10):
Because we get those.
SPEAKER_01 (03:12):
And not that day.
SPEAKER_02 (03:14):
No.
No.
It was actually worse than theIowa State Fair or Iowa Beef
Expo.
SPEAKER_01 (03:23):
Ice storm.
A lot of people out of power.
Like since then, I don'tremember an ice storm that bad.
SPEAKER_02 (03:29):
No, nothing.
SPEAKER_01 (03:30):
Knocking power out anyway.
And that storm prompted a lot ofpeople to put home generators
in.
SPEAKER_02 (03:37):
Yeah, they were without power because we left
and went on our honeymoon.
They were without power power inthe area like five to seven
days.
SPEAKER_01 (03:44):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (03:45):
It was a little insane.
It was we had no electricity atour wedding reception.
Thank God for large families anduh an uncle with a generator and
an uncle with um fuel.
SPEAKER_01 (04:02):
Gas cans.
unknown (04:03):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (04:04):
Yeah.
And we still had a party with nopower at the wedding reception.
SPEAKER_02 (04:10):
Yes, we did.
And it was a lot of fun.
SPEAKER_01 (04:12):
Sitting in a church, the lights flickered.
We looked at each other.
Went to a bar afterwards intown, and they had no power.
And you looked at me, you'relike, well, what if they don't
have power at the reception?
It was actually at a new hotel.
I'm like, ah, they'll have agenerator.
SPEAKER_02 (04:33):
Yeah.
And we got greeted at the doorby the event planner for the
hotel.
SPEAKER_01 (04:38):
And with a flashlight.
SPEAKER_02 (04:41):
Don't worry, we have food.
I was like, I don't care aboutthe food.
I care about the dancing.
I went to dance at my receptionand it happened.
SPEAKER_01 (04:54):
So you had done all the centerpieces, and they were
multiple candles at each table.
So everybody had a candlelitdinner.
And that was your grandma'scomment.
SPEAKER_02 (05:06):
Yeah.
My grandma dinning.
SPEAKER_01 (05:09):
She said that was the first candlelit dinner she'd
ever had.
So and we still had a party.
SPEAKER_02 (05:16):
We did.
It was a wonderful day.
And it, you know, that day, evenbefore leading up to it, with
everything that goes on withwedding preparation, I just kept
in my mind, as long as I'm thereand he's there and the priest is
there and we get married, Idon't care about the rest of it.
I mean, I did care.
SPEAKER_01 (05:36):
A couple witnesses might be good to sign the
paperwork.
SPEAKER_02 (05:39):
Right.
And that was the importantthing.
And then we wanted to have funwith our guests.
SPEAKER_01 (05:49):
Something about rain on your wedding day.
What is it about ice storms onyour wedding day?
SPEAKER_02 (05:54):
Well, it means good luck.
I'm just putting that out there.
SPEAKER_01 (05:57):
Extra good luck.
SPEAKER_02 (05:58):
That's right.
SPEAKER_01 (06:00):
Yep.
SPEAKER_02 (06:00):
And hard work and determination.
SPEAKER_01 (06:05):
For sure.
SPEAKER_02 (06:07):
Yeah.
19 years.
SPEAKER_01 (06:11):
We've made it thus far.
SPEAKER_02 (06:15):
We've weathered a lot of storms, that is for sure.
So I thought it fitting that wetalk about some of the big
things we've learned in our 19years of marriage and 20 years
together.
SPEAKER_01 (06:30):
We're still trying to learn.
SPEAKER_02 (06:33):
Yes.
Good point.
Good point.
SPEAKER_01 (06:36):
So yeah.
What have you learned?
SPEAKER_02 (06:39):
One of the big things that I have learned is
that the biggest limitationsthat I have in our relationship,
I want to point a finger at you,but I'm actually limiting
myself.
And the expectations that I feellike are put on me by you are
(07:02):
actually the expectations thatI'm putting on myself.
And just using you as an excuse.
It is really when you startworking on yourself and
realizing what you are holdingback, then you realize what
you're holding back from yourrelationship.
SPEAKER_01 (07:24):
Marriage is all psychology.
SPEAKER_02 (07:28):
It's a lot about learning who you are.
Right.
And how you can better improveyourself to improve your
marriage.
SPEAKER_01 (07:40):
To that point, I have learned that to feel love
and affection, you have to showit and give it back.
But also have to love and feelaffection for yourself first.
SPEAKER_02 (07:54):
You cannot truly give yourself in a loving manner
if you do not first loveyourself.
SPEAKER_01 (08:00):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (08:01):
We have done a lot of work to begin caring and
loving for ourselves.
And I think we're still bothfairly new on that journey.
SPEAKER_01 (08:11):
Sure.
But if you feel like theaffection isn't there or the
love, you probably first need tolook inward.
And are you are you showing itto your partner?
SPEAKER_02 (08:27):
Kindness and support.
You know, the first person whenI get frustrated or bitter or
upset about something, I usuallydirect it at you and the kids,
but really at you stepping backand realizing I need to show
kindness to my spouse.
SPEAKER_01 (08:50):
For me, you are my I don't want to say crouch, but
the person I turn to for me tobitch about something or someone
or and that weighs on you.
SPEAKER_02 (09:03):
So and vice versa.
SPEAKER_01 (09:05):
And vice versa.
So I learn I'm learning to tryto not.
I think when I do that, you feellike I'm taking it out on you,
and I'm frustrated, and you'retaking on that frustration, and
that's not how it's meant to be.
It's that I just need someone tounload on, and that ends up
(09:27):
being you.
And I'm well, I'm trying to dealwith my emotions and reactions,
and before I do talk to you,because I'm a person that needs
to talk it out and get it off mychest.
SPEAKER_02 (09:42):
So I think that behind that as well, I have to
realize my traumas and howyou're presenting information to
me.
It is meant as a expression ofyour frustration, not a you
(10:02):
coming down on me.
SPEAKER_01 (10:04):
Or I'm not asking for you to help me fix it or fix
me.
I just need someone to unloadon.
And a lot of times that weighson you and our marriage,
probably.
SPEAKER_02 (10:15):
So and we probably could preempt that for both of
us because I'm the same way.
Like I just need by by stating,I just need to get this out.
SPEAKER_01 (10:26):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (10:28):
I don't need any feedback from it.
I just need someone to listen.
SPEAKER_01 (10:34):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (10:36):
We are getting better at that.
SPEAKER_01 (10:38):
We are.
We're trying.
It is always a work in progress,right?
SPEAKER_02 (10:42):
And marriage is a work in progress.
SPEAKER_01 (10:45):
You need to continually work on it and show
affection both ways to yourselfand your spouse.
SPEAKER_02 (10:52):
And forgiveness.
SPEAKER_01 (10:53):
Right.
So it's uh it's a game of 100%,because nobody has a hundred
percent all of the time.
Right?
So some days I might have only20% to give, and you pick up the
slack.
Or vice versa.
(11:13):
Some days we might both mightonly have 20%.
SPEAKER_02 (11:18):
And you just gotta give the other person space and
time and love and grace.
It is definitely not 50-50.
No.
You know, growing up, how manytimes did you hear?
Especially, I think that that'spart of of what was put out
(11:38):
there at the time.
Like marriage should be 50-50,and and that is never going to
be like because someone alwayshas to rise.
Otherwise, then expectations areare set that can never be
achieved.
Right.
And really, I think it's eachperson giving a hundred percent
(12:02):
either to themselves or to therelationship.
SPEAKER_01 (12:05):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (12:06):
Because when you only have 20% to give to
somebody else, it's because youneed that other 80% yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (12:13):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (12:14):
And that's the missing piece I think a lot of
us fall into.
Thinking that we have to give,especially as women, I don't
know if you feel this way as aman, but feeling like we have to
give everything to everyone elseall of the time, that limiting
belief keeps women exhausted.
SPEAKER_01 (12:37):
Well, that's in your personality as well.
And it right.
Sometimes you need to reservesome of that for yourself
because it just drains you.
SPEAKER_02 (12:47):
But and you can't do everything all of the time.
SPEAKER_01 (12:50):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (12:53):
So I was recently in a group of mostly 30, like late
20 to mid-30 year olds.
And I realized how much of howmuch more energy I had at that
point.
And I don't know if it is now Iam seeing how much more rest I
(13:18):
need, or if I actually had moreenergy then.
I don't know.
I think a lot of it is I'mpreserving my energy more for
myself and more for my kids.
Whereas back in my 30s, I reallyput so much of myself into
everyone else during the day.
SPEAKER_01 (13:35):
You were doctoring too, so that was you put a lot
of your heart and soul andenergy into your day as a
doctor.
And I had So unbeknownst to me,I didn't realize you had none
left when you come home.
So obviously, we've had ourmoments because of that.
And I same with me.
(13:56):
I give everything during theday, and you come home and
you're exhausted and you justneed to veg or something to try
to regain that energy.
SPEAKER_02 (14:08):
Yeah.
We are definitely figuring itout, but I can say through all
that we have gone through, youknow, with the trauma from my
medical practice and litigationand leaving medicine to your
(14:29):
injury and recovery process, ithas been a lot to go through.
But I can honestly say thatalthough I would never want to
live through any of it again, ithas made our relationship so
(14:54):
strong.
SPEAKER_01 (14:55):
There's been a lot of growth moments, and
everything happens for a reason.
We talk about that all the time.
You need to see those as momentsto learn from, to grow from.
And we've had a lot of them.
SPEAKER_02 (15:12):
Yeah.
It's been a wonderful journey sofar.
SPEAKER_01 (15:17):
Sometimes we don't have to jump in the deep end,
though.
Uh that's just us though.
SPEAKER_02 (15:26):
Well, I think that we like new things.
Like we need like to trydifferent things.
We're both experimenters in ourown ways.
And we can't hold ourselves backfor fear of it not working.
Because we have proven so manytimes to ourselves like we can
(15:46):
get through it.
Right.
We have gotten through so much.
It is really great to lean onyour spouse.
And that leaning on each otherprovides more roots to the tree
that you're building in yourfamily.
And it it's really the truedefinition of two people coming
(16:10):
together to be one.
So if you see yourselves as twoseparate trees that inter begin
intertwining, think of that rootsystem for your family tree.
And that is the beauty of growthtogether and what we are the
example we are trying to be forour children, for them to build
(16:33):
healthy relationships.
And we've heard our kids say it.
SPEAKER_01 (16:38):
I was just gonna say, we have actually heard them
say that they can see that thatwe love each other, and that
makes my heart full.
SPEAKER_02 (16:47):
Very much so.
SPEAKER_01 (16:48):
That they can see that.
SPEAKER_02 (16:49):
So because I don't want them to look at our
marriage as being some idealismthat they're striving for.
SPEAKER_01 (16:58):
We are not perfect by any means.
SPEAKER_02 (17:00):
No, and I think it's in the But it's thriving through
those moments.
Yeah, and it's in that showingthem we are not perfect, we are
figuring this out, we aregrowing through it, we are
failing and learning that makesthem feel like they can fail and
learn as well.
SPEAKER_01 (17:19):
What do you and I both say to the kids all the
time?
It's our first time beingparents and raising an
18-year-old or 17 or 14-year-oldor whatever.
SPEAKER_02 (17:28):
It's also, you know, the first time we've been
married.
SPEAKER_01 (17:32):
First in 18 years, right?
SPEAKER_02 (17:33):
Right?
We are just figuring it all outtogether.
SPEAKER_01 (17:37):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (17:38):
And growing together and learning more about
ourselves.
So the biggest piece of advicethat I have to others out there
who are trying to grow theirrelationship in their marriage
is figure out who you are andwho you want to be.
Because when you are the moretrue version of yourself, you
(18:03):
will only flourish in yourrelationships with every other
human being, but especially withyour spouse.
SPEAKER_01 (18:12):
And I would say, as a man, a lot of times we
struggle showing affection.
It's okay to show thataffection, especially in front
of your kids.
Farming is stressful and it'shard work, and you come home,
try not to take it out on yourspouse because, like I was
saying earlier, you just needsomebody to unload on.
(18:35):
I need to realize that some daysyou can't handle me unloading.
But uh, it's okay to showaffection.
It's okay to break down in frontof your kids and your wife, and
but realize where the otherperson is at.
And you need to work at it everyday.
Whether you're married for fiveyears or fifty years, it's a
(18:57):
two-way street.
Some days you need to help yourspouse, and some days they need
to help you.
SPEAKER_02 (19:03):
Grow together.
Realize too that as you grow,your spouse may not be growing
at the same rate.
Right.
But give them grace to take thattime for them to grow
themselves.
And the better, the more thatyou better you, the more you
(19:26):
will better everyone around you.
It's the ripple effect, thebutterfly effect.
I love you.
SPEAKER_01 (19:34):
I love you.
SPEAKER_02 (19:35):
Happy anniversary.
SPEAKER_01 (19:37):
19 years.
Many more to come.
SPEAKER_02 (19:43):
Yes.
So if there's something that youwould like to ask us or have an
idea for a podcast, we'd love tohear from you at farmersgreatass
asset at gmail.com.
Look us up on all the socials atfarmersgreat assassin.
SPEAKER_01 (20:02):
And remember, it's a good day.
SPEAKER_02 (20:08):
Bye.
The Farmer's Greatest Asset Podcast.
We believe the Farmers GreatestAsset is the Farmer.
Their knowledge, experience,mind, and health.
SPEAKER_01 (00:39):
Well, welcome back to the podcast.
I'm Jesse.
SPEAKER_02 (00:42):
And I'm Dr.
Leah.
SPEAKER_01 (00:44):
We maybe missed a week, but that's okay.
We're back.
SPEAKER_02 (00:51):
It's all perfect timing, honey.
SPEAKER_01 (00:52):
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening.
From whenever and wherever youare, welcome to the podcast.
We did go to the Iowa Beef Expo,and it turned out to be a cold,
snowy, icy one.
SPEAKER_02 (01:09):
It did.
Were we surprised?
SPEAKER_01 (01:12):
Not a bit.
SPEAKER_02 (01:13):
No.
It was 60 degrees the weekbefore.
Actually, Lucy and I came upafter you all went up that
morning on Thursday, and we lefthere, and it was like it was 56
degrees.
And I had sandals on, and I wasgetting warm loading the truck.
(01:35):
And by the time we got up there,it was not 60, almost 60
degrees.
It was freezing cold with icysnow, whatever weather.
Creeping along the road slowlybecause the roads weren't clear.
SPEAKER_01 (01:58):
Welcome to the Iowa Beef Expo.
SPEAKER_02 (02:00):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (02:02):
I don't care what the weather does Monday because
come Thursday, it's probablygonna be cold.
But we had fun, enjoyed it.
Yeah.
Henry enjoyed it.
So Henry, we made it home.
He did, for sure.
SPEAKER_02 (02:18):
So it was good.
SPEAKER_01 (02:19):
It's his element.
SPEAKER_02 (02:21):
It is.
He enjoys it.
He enjoys it.
SPEAKER_01 (02:25):
So we have returned and all is good.
So happy anniversary today.
SPEAKER_02 (02:31):
Happy anniversary to you.
SPEAKER_01 (02:32):
As we are recording this.
SPEAKER_02 (02:35):
Nineteen years.
SPEAKER_01 (02:37):
Married.
19 years.
SPEAKER_02 (02:40):
Together, 20, a little over 20 years.
SPEAKER_01 (02:44):
19 years ago, we were watching the weather and we
thought it's going to be abeautiful weekend.
And we had an ice storm.
SPEAKER_02 (02:53):
Yes, we did.
It was predicted to be 56 or 52,like in the low 50s that
morning.
We thought, oh my goodness,we're going to have such a
beautiful wedding day.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
End of February wedding, 55 degree day.
SPEAKER_02 (03:10):
Because we get those.
SPEAKER_01 (03:12):
And not that day.
SPEAKER_02 (03:14):
No.
No.
It was actually worse than theIowa State Fair or Iowa Beef
Expo.
SPEAKER_01 (03:23):
Ice storm.
A lot of people out of power.
Like since then, I don'tremember an ice storm that bad.
SPEAKER_02 (03:29):
No, nothing.
SPEAKER_01 (03:30):
Knocking power out anyway.
And that storm prompted a lot ofpeople to put home generators
in.
SPEAKER_02 (03:37):
Yeah, they were without power because we left
and went on our honeymoon.
They were without power power inthe area like five to seven
days.
SPEAKER_01 (03:44):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (03:45):
It was a little insane.
It was we had no electricity atour wedding reception.
Thank God for large families anduh an uncle with a generator and
an uncle with um fuel.
SPEAKER_01 (04:02):
Gas cans.
unknown (04:03):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (04:04):
Yeah.
And we still had a party with nopower at the wedding reception.
SPEAKER_02 (04:10):
Yes, we did.
And it was a lot of fun.
SPEAKER_01 (04:12):
Sitting in a church, the lights flickered.
We looked at each other.
Went to a bar afterwards intown, and they had no power.
And you looked at me, you'relike, well, what if they don't
have power at the reception?
It was actually at a new hotel.
I'm like, ah, they'll have agenerator.
SPEAKER_02 (04:33):
Yeah.
And we got greeted at the doorby the event planner for the
hotel.
SPEAKER_01 (04:38):
And with a flashlight.
SPEAKER_02 (04:41):
Don't worry, we have food.
I was like, I don't care aboutthe food.
I care about the dancing.
I went to dance at my receptionand it happened.
SPEAKER_01 (04:54):
So you had done all the centerpieces, and they were
multiple candles at each table.
So everybody had a candlelitdinner.
And that was your grandma'scomment.
SPEAKER_02 (05:06):
Yeah.
My grandma dinning.
SPEAKER_01 (05:09):
She said that was the first candlelit dinner she'd
ever had.
So and we still had a party.
SPEAKER_02 (05:16):
We did.
It was a wonderful day.
And it, you know, that day, evenbefore leading up to it, with
everything that goes on withwedding preparation, I just kept
in my mind, as long as I'm thereand he's there and the priest is
there and we get married, Idon't care about the rest of it.
I mean, I did care.
SPEAKER_01 (05:36):
A couple witnesses might be good to sign the
paperwork.
SPEAKER_02 (05:39):
Right.
And that was the importantthing.
And then we wanted to have funwith our guests.
SPEAKER_01 (05:49):
Something about rain on your wedding day.
What is it about ice storms onyour wedding day?
SPEAKER_02 (05:54):
Well, it means good luck.
I'm just putting that out there.
SPEAKER_01 (05:57):
Extra good luck.
SPEAKER_02 (05:58):
That's right.
SPEAKER_01 (06:00):
Yep.
SPEAKER_02 (06:00):
And hard work and determination.
SPEAKER_01 (06:05):
For sure.
SPEAKER_02 (06:07):
Yeah.
19 years.
SPEAKER_01 (06:11):
We've made it thus far.
SPEAKER_02 (06:15):
We've weathered a lot of storms, that is for sure.
So I thought it fitting that wetalk about some of the big
things we've learned in our 19years of marriage and 20 years
together.
SPEAKER_01 (06:30):
We're still trying to learn.
SPEAKER_02 (06:33):
Yes.
Good point.
Good point.
SPEAKER_01 (06:36):
So yeah.
What have you learned?
SPEAKER_02 (06:39):
One of the big things that I have learned is
that the biggest limitationsthat I have in our relationship,
I want to point a finger at you,but I'm actually limiting
myself.
And the expectations that I feellike are put on me by you are
(07:02):
actually the expectations thatI'm putting on myself.
And just using you as an excuse.
It is really when you startworking on yourself and
realizing what you are holdingback, then you realize what
you're holding back from yourrelationship.
SPEAKER_01 (07:24):
Marriage is all psychology.
SPEAKER_02 (07:28):
It's a lot about learning who you are.
Right.
And how you can better improveyourself to improve your
marriage.
SPEAKER_01 (07:40):
To that point, I have learned that to feel love
and affection, you have to showit and give it back.
But also have to love and feelaffection for yourself first.
SPEAKER_02 (07:54):
You cannot truly give yourself in a loving manner
if you do not first loveyourself.
SPEAKER_01 (08:00):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (08:01):
We have done a lot of work to begin caring and
loving for ourselves.
And I think we're still bothfairly new on that journey.
SPEAKER_01 (08:11):
Sure.
But if you feel like theaffection isn't there or the
love, you probably first need tolook inward.
And are you are you showing itto your partner?
SPEAKER_02 (08:27):
Kindness and support.
You know, the first person whenI get frustrated or bitter or
upset about something, I usuallydirect it at you and the kids,
but really at you stepping backand realizing I need to show
kindness to my spouse.
SPEAKER_01 (08:50):
For me, you are my I don't want to say crouch, but
the person I turn to for me tobitch about something or someone
or and that weighs on you.
SPEAKER_02 (09:03):
So and vice versa.
SPEAKER_01 (09:05):
And vice versa.
So I learn I'm learning to tryto not.
I think when I do that, you feellike I'm taking it out on you,
and I'm frustrated, and you'retaking on that frustration, and
that's not how it's meant to be.
It's that I just need someone tounload on, and that ends up
(09:27):
being you.
And I'm well, I'm trying to dealwith my emotions and reactions,
and before I do talk to you,because I'm a person that needs
to talk it out and get it off mychest.
SPEAKER_02 (09:42):
So I think that behind that as well, I have to
realize my traumas and howyou're presenting information to
me.
It is meant as a expression ofyour frustration, not a you
(10:02):
coming down on me.
SPEAKER_01 (10:04):
Or I'm not asking for you to help me fix it or fix
me.
I just need someone to unloadon.
And a lot of times that weighson you and our marriage,
probably.
SPEAKER_02 (10:15):
So and we probably could preempt that for both of
us because I'm the same way.
Like I just need by by stating,I just need to get this out.
SPEAKER_01 (10:26):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (10:28):
I don't need any feedback from it.
I just need someone to listen.
SPEAKER_01 (10:34):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (10:36):
We are getting better at that.
SPEAKER_01 (10:38):
We are.
We're trying.
It is always a work in progress,right?
SPEAKER_02 (10:42):
And marriage is a work in progress.
SPEAKER_01 (10:45):
You need to continually work on it and show
affection both ways to yourselfand your spouse.
SPEAKER_02 (10:52):
And forgiveness.
SPEAKER_01 (10:53):
Right.
So it's uh it's a game of 100%,because nobody has a hundred
percent all of the time.
Right?
So some days I might have only20% to give, and you pick up the
slack.
Or vice versa.
(11:13):
Some days we might both mightonly have 20%.
SPEAKER_02 (11:18):
And you just gotta give the other person space and
time and love and grace.
It is definitely not 50-50.
No.
You know, growing up, how manytimes did you hear?
Especially, I think that that'spart of of what was put out
(11:38):
there at the time.
Like marriage should be 50-50,and and that is never going to
be like because someone alwayshas to rise.
Otherwise, then expectations areare set that can never be
achieved.
Right.
And really, I think it's eachperson giving a hundred percent
(12:02):
either to themselves or to therelationship.
SPEAKER_01 (12:05):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (12:06):
Because when you only have 20% to give to
somebody else, it's because youneed that other 80% yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (12:13):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (12:14):
And that's the missing piece I think a lot of
us fall into.
Thinking that we have to give,especially as women, I don't
know if you feel this way as aman, but feeling like we have to
give everything to everyone elseall of the time, that limiting
belief keeps women exhausted.
SPEAKER_01 (12:37):
Well, that's in your personality as well.
And it right.
Sometimes you need to reservesome of that for yourself
because it just drains you.
SPEAKER_02 (12:47):
But and you can't do everything all of the time.
SPEAKER_01 (12:50):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (12:53):
So I was recently in a group of mostly 30, like late
20 to mid-30 year olds.
And I realized how much of howmuch more energy I had at that
point.
And I don't know if it is now Iam seeing how much more rest I
(13:18):
need, or if I actually had moreenergy then.
I don't know.
I think a lot of it is I'mpreserving my energy more for
myself and more for my kids.
Whereas back in my 30s, I reallyput so much of myself into
everyone else during the day.
SPEAKER_01 (13:35):
You were doctoring too, so that was you put a lot
of your heart and soul andenergy into your day as a
doctor.
And I had So unbeknownst to me,I didn't realize you had none
left when you come home.
So obviously, we've had ourmoments because of that.
And I same with me.
(13:56):
I give everything during theday, and you come home and
you're exhausted and you justneed to veg or something to try
to regain that energy.
SPEAKER_02 (14:08):
Yeah.
We are definitely figuring itout, but I can say through all
that we have gone through, youknow, with the trauma from my
medical practice and litigationand leaving medicine to your
(14:29):
injury and recovery process, ithas been a lot to go through.
But I can honestly say thatalthough I would never want to
live through any of it again, ithas made our relationship so
(14:54):
strong.
SPEAKER_01 (14:55):
There's been a lot of growth moments, and
everything happens for a reason.
We talk about that all the time.
You need to see those as momentsto learn from, to grow from.
And we've had a lot of them.
SPEAKER_02 (15:12):
Yeah.
It's been a wonderful journey sofar.
SPEAKER_01 (15:17):
Sometimes we don't have to jump in the deep end,
though.
Uh that's just us though.
SPEAKER_02 (15:26):
Well, I think that we like new things.
Like we need like to trydifferent things.
We're both experimenters in ourown ways.
And we can't hold ourselves backfor fear of it not working.
Because we have proven so manytimes to ourselves like we can
(15:46):
get through it.
Right.
We have gotten through so much.
It is really great to lean onyour spouse.
And that leaning on each otherprovides more roots to the tree
that you're building in yourfamily.
And it it's really the truedefinition of two people coming
(16:10):
together to be one.
So if you see yourselves as twoseparate trees that inter begin
intertwining, think of that rootsystem for your family tree.
And that is the beauty of growthtogether and what we are the
example we are trying to be forour children, for them to build
(16:33):
healthy relationships.
And we've heard our kids say it.
SPEAKER_01 (16:38):
I was just gonna say, we have actually heard them
say that they can see that thatwe love each other, and that
makes my heart full.
SPEAKER_02 (16:47):
Very much so.
SPEAKER_01 (16:48):
That they can see that.
SPEAKER_02 (16:49):
So because I don't want them to look at our
marriage as being some idealismthat they're striving for.
SPEAKER_01 (16:58):
We are not perfect by any means.
SPEAKER_02 (17:00):
No, and I think it's in the But it's thriving through
those moments.
Yeah, and it's in that showingthem we are not perfect, we are
figuring this out, we aregrowing through it, we are
failing and learning that makesthem feel like they can fail and
learn as well.
SPEAKER_01 (17:19):
What do you and I both say to the kids all the
time?
It's our first time beingparents and raising an
18-year-old or 17 or 14-year-oldor whatever.
SPEAKER_02 (17:28):
It's also, you know, the first time we've been
married.
SPEAKER_01 (17:32):
First in 18 years, right?
SPEAKER_02 (17:33):
Right?
We are just figuring it all outtogether.
SPEAKER_01 (17:37):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (17:38):
And growing together and learning more about
ourselves.
So the biggest piece of advicethat I have to others out there
who are trying to grow theirrelationship in their marriage
is figure out who you are andwho you want to be.
Because when you are the moretrue version of yourself, you
(18:03):
will only flourish in yourrelationships with every other
human being, but especially withyour spouse.
SPEAKER_01 (18:12):
And I would say, as a man, a lot of times we
struggle showing affection.
It's okay to show thataffection, especially in front
of your kids.
Farming is stressful and it'shard work, and you come home,
try not to take it out on yourspouse because, like I was
saying earlier, you just needsomebody to unload on.
(18:35):
I need to realize that some daysyou can't handle me unloading.
But uh, it's okay to showaffection.
It's okay to break down in frontof your kids and your wife, and
but realize where the otherperson is at.
And you need to work at it everyday.
Whether you're married for fiveyears or fifty years, it's a
(18:57):
two-way street.
Some days you need to help yourspouse, and some days they need
to help you.
SPEAKER_02 (19:03):
Grow together.
Realize too that as you grow,your spouse may not be growing
at the same rate.
Right.
But give them grace to take thattime for them to grow
themselves.
And the better, the more thatyou better you, the more you
(19:26):
will better everyone around you.
It's the ripple effect, thebutterfly effect.
I love you.
SPEAKER_01 (19:34):
I love you.
SPEAKER_02 (19:35):
Happy anniversary.
SPEAKER_01 (19:37):
19 years.
Many more to come.
SPEAKER_02 (19:43):
Yes.
So if there's something that youwould like to ask us or have an
idea for a podcast, we'd love tohear from you at farmersgreatass
asset at gmail.com.
Look us up on all the socials atfarmersgreat assassin.
SPEAKER_01 (20:02):
And remember, it's a good day.
SPEAKER_02 (20:08):
Bye.
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