September 8, 2023 • 18 mins
Join me for part two of the series, Relationship Foundations, where we look at the core concepts that will change the way you approach the people you love. This week we talk about Desires and Wants.
What do you truly want in your relationship? What if your partner doesn't want the same thing? How should you feel about your wants and desires when they seem to cause you pain?
Dealing with things on your own (*lonely*) and turning toward your partner and constantly being let down (*frustrating*) aren't the only two options when it comes to desires in your relationship. In this episode, I show you a third alternative.
Wanting is a big part of being human. Connecting with shared wants is a meaningful way to love each other. I'll show you what to do when your expectations aren't met and share a practical exercise to help couples align their wants and build a more genuine connection. Join us on this transformative journey and redefine your relationship.
Discover ways to work with me at www.thehappiestlives.com or www.myhappyvault.com
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You are listening to the Happiest Lives podcast with
Jill Lillard, episode number 19.
Welcome to the Happiest Livespodcast, where you'll learn to
think better, feel better andbecome the woman God says you
already are.
Here's your host, jill Lillard.
Hey, hey, everyone, welcomeback to the Relationship
(00:22):
Foundation series.
Last week, we talked about howyour relationship with someone
else is the sum of the thoughtsthat you have about them, and
how you can start working onyour relationship by becoming
aware of your thoughts.
We also discussed how faith inJesus impacts your sense of
identity, worth and having ornot having impacting how you
(00:44):
think about others in thesituations you find yourself in.
So often we start relationshipwork externally, with what is
going on with the other person.
Instead, I suggest that if youwant to have a huge impact on
your relationships, start yourrelationship work internally,
looking at what you are thinkingand determining if your
(01:07):
thoughts produce good fruit.
I see my clients doing thiswork on themselves and they
start thinking other people arechanging, when really they are
the ones thinking differently.
Sometimes others begin to showup differently, as we do, but
even if they don't, we canexperience the benefits of a
renewed mind and spirit thatdoes not depend on them changing
(01:31):
.
Think of a particularrelationship you want to improve
.
Ask yourself why am I in thisrelationship?
Have you ever asked that?
I think it's so important torecognize we are choosing our
relationships and to like thereasons why we're choosing them.
Oftentimes we carry anunconscious desire for another
(01:55):
person to make us happy and ifwe aren't aware of that, we will
feel entitled to certain thingsand make demands on the other
person, holding them to astandard we have made up in our
mind.
We expect them to follow ourbook of rules, our relationship
manual.
Our relationship manualincludes things we want and like
(02:16):
Don't yell at me.
Help me clean the house, ask mehow my day is, give me the
royal treatment on my birthdayand Mother's Day, surprise me
with random gifts, text me sweetmessages throughout the day,
tell me you love me.
The list of things we thinkwill make us happy goes on and
on.
If your primary goal of arelationship is that it will
(02:39):
make your life better, thenyou're probably feeling
powerless and disappointed.
Listen to me Other people can'tmake you happy, and yet so
often we attribute our happinessor unhappiness to things they
are doing or not doing.
Even if they did everything youwanted, you might still be
(03:00):
unhappy.
So what does this mean for ourbook of wants and desires?
I will first say that often wedon't let others know what is in
our relationship manual.
Yet we get angry, disappointed,frustrated and controlling when
they don't show up how we wantthem to.
We hold them to ourexpectations even though we
(03:22):
haven't communicated what wewant.
So I do recommend lettingothers know what you want and
see if they want this too.
But know this they may not wantto do the things you want them
to do, or they may agree, butthey don't remember to do the
things.
They will behave however theywant, and there's nothing you
(03:43):
can do about it.
Yes, you can try and make themdo it, but often people rebel
against something they feelforced to do, or they do it, but
it doesn't feel good to them.
If we try to manage them doingwhat we want, we often don't
feel happy about it.
Either we see how they aredoing it the wrong way, or we
wish they did it without ourprompting.
(04:04):
And so our relationship manualsets us up for disappointment
because it shows us how shortothers are falling.
Isn't this what the Bible tellsus about the law?
The law is God's manual, hisdesires and wants.
His moral standards expose ourhuman shortcomings and
(04:24):
sinfulness.
It demonstrates the inabilityof humans to perfectly meet
God's standards and earnsalvation.
However, by the grace of God,the law finds its ultimate
fulfillment in Jesus, whoestablished a new covenant based
on grace and faith, believingand receiving.
(04:46):
While God's law cannot save, itcontinues to guide believers in
righteous living as they walkin the grace and love of God.
It's a relationship based onwillingness, believing and
receiving that saves us, notadherence to rules.
Change starts not by works oractions, but in your heart.
(05:09):
Isn't this beautiful?
So if God does not hold ourfailure to meet his standards
against us when we believe andreceive, who are we to withhold
love from another when they failto meet our expectations?
What we really long for is arelationship with that other
person, which may not equate tothem, following our relationship
(05:32):
manual, fulfilling our deepestdesires.
So here is what I suggest Writedown all your expectations for
the other person in thisrelationship.
Don't hold back.
This is your relationshipmanual.
Now imagine this person has arelationship manual for you,
because they do, whether theyrealize it or not.
(05:54):
Imagine they give you thismanual of how they want you to
behave so they will be happy.
It may include things like Ineed you to be positive and not
in a bad mood.
I need you not to get upsetwith me when I leave things on
the counters.
I need you to watch footballwith me on Sundays.
I need you to greet mecheerfully when I come home from
work.
(06:14):
The list goes on and on.
How does that make you feel?
For most of us, this feelsterrible, and yet we do it to
others.
As I said earlier, I think ifyou want or desire something in
your relationship, you shouldtell the other person, and I
still hold on to that.
If you have a manual for them,you should at least let them
(06:36):
know.
The problem is, when we hangour happiness on whether they
comply or not, we are using ourmanuals against ourselves.
The bottom line is human beingsget to do what they want.
God has given us all free willand he has not assigned people
the role of making others happy.
Yes, he has called us to loveand serve others, but that is
(06:58):
not the same as striving toplease them.
There is a place within us thatonly the Lord can fill.
He wants to be the center ofour wants, desires and
confidence and for this reason,others will always fall short
because they are not God.
I like to believe that God hasgiven me everything I need and
(07:18):
His grace is sufficient.
When I lack, unmet wants anddesires are prompts to turn
toward Him and let Him fill meup.
We should support and encourageothers, as we are all part of
one body where Christ is ahead.
But our central purpose is notto make others happy or for them
to make us happy.
Our joy comes from the Lord andonly he will fully satisfy.
(07:43):
I think it's super important toturn toward your partner, deepen
your understanding of who theyare and what they like, and find
ways to love and honor eachother.
I think it's important toconsider others as you consider
yourself and ask for what youwant and make a request.
However, as you ask, set theother person free from following
your manual.
(08:04):
In fact, throw away the manual.
Ask without demanding, knowingthey can say no.
When you stop thinking you haveto control them and get them to
comply to secure your happiness, you are set free.
Most of the suffering inrelationships comes from people
not behaving how we think theyshould behave.
(08:25):
So if you can just stop havingmanuals and let others behave
how they want to, takingresponsibility for your
happiness, your life will changecompletely.
Let's say you tell your husbandI would love for you to put your
dirty clothes in a hamperinstead of the floor.
And he continues to put them onthe floor, even though you've
(08:46):
asked him not to.
What do you make it mean whenhe does that?
This will determine the futureof your relationship?
What so many of us choose tomake this mean at that moment is
he is inconsiderate, he'sirresponsible, he expects me to
do everything, he doesn't loveme enough.
The list goes on and on.
How you interpret hisnoncompliance deteriorates the
(09:09):
quality of your relationship.
But what if, instead, youdecide I will not let my
happiness in this relationshipbe defined by whether he puts
his clothes in the hamperInstead of making it mean he's
expecting you to do everythingor he doesn't love you.
What if you think it hasnothing to do with you?
Maybe he simply forgot, ormaybe he intentionally didn't do
(09:33):
it, as he's playing out somedynamic with his mother from
childhood.
But it's not about you.
I had a couple whose wife wasthe primary breadwetter, working
full time.
She did not contribute as muchto the household chores as he
did.
But she agreed to do thelaundry, working night shifts
and sleeping by day.
Laundry would pile up and shecould not seem to follow through
(09:55):
on a system for getting it done.
He made her lack of followthrough mean that she did not
consider him.
He believed if she loved himshe would follow through with
their commitments at home.
Feeling unloved, he wouldcriticize and lecture her about
how she was inconsiderate andtell her if she cared about the
relationship, she would get thelaundry done.
(10:16):
He closed himself off to herand resentment grew in his heart
as he stopped turning towardher lovingly.
I pointed out to him it may ormay not be true that your wife
does not consider you.
I see a lot of evidence thatshe does.
But let's say you're right andshe does not consider you in
this manner.
(10:36):
What if this had nothing to dowith her love and concern for
you?
What if her brain workeddifferently or it was part of
her ADHD or her work schedule?
What if it was not meanspirited and she was just doing
the best?
She knows how Her following hismanual became more important to
(10:56):
him than the connection in love, as he made her actions a
symbol of not caring.
He was so rigid in how hedefined love and what that
looked like that he could notget past her lack of follow
through.
In fact, he only found evidencethat she did not consider him.
The truth is, he can makehimself so much more happy than
she could make him.
(11:17):
It is okay that he wanted herto contribute more at home, and
I can understand howdisappointing it would be when
she didn't follow through withher commitments.
It's okay that he asked formore help.
It's healthy to turn toward andshare your heart and find ways
to honor one another best.
Holding so tightly to hisexpectations and what he had
(11:38):
made her actions mean just wasnot beneficial to him.
Demanding that she follow hismanual prevented him from
problem solving, loving her andgrowing through their
differences.
Years ago my husband commentedthat I slammed the door too hard
the car door and yet, try as Imay, I just could not seem to
remember to be more gentle whenI closed it.
(12:00):
It would just slip my mind toeven think about it.
So I could tell him I'll do mybest not to slam the door, but
sometimes I'm just not going toremember.
So what I really want for youis not to get mad at me.
If I do Now.
He may still get mad, as I mayabsentmindedly slam the door.
He let me know what he wantedand I let him know what I wanted
(12:22):
, and we both genuinely careabout the other person.
If he gets mad when I slam thedoor, I don't have to make that
mean that he's being a jerk, anymore than he has to make it
mean that I'm being a jerk if Islam the door.
The difference between wantingand requesting something and
demanding something is what wemake compliance mean.
When our peace and joy arehinging on their compliance,
(12:44):
then we are going to be verymiserable.
An exercise I have my couples dois individually making a list
of the things they want.
Include all the things in yourrelationship manual.
Include things you want thatyou already have and things you
want that you don't have.
Then compare your list and seewhat things match up.
Being able to acknowledge whatyou both want in areas where
(13:06):
your wants don't match up isvery helpful.
For instance, if you are a veryextroverted social person and
it's important for you to beable to go out socially together
as a couple and your partnerwants to be able to stay home
from social events, you have aproblem.
You have to take ownership ofyour decision to be in a
relationship with someone whodoes not want to go to social
(13:27):
gatherings with you.
You have to acknowledge amismatch in this area, but also
your desire to be in arelationship with one another.
This way, you're not forcingsomeone to honor your manual if
they don't want or are unwillingto.
As you look at your matches andmismatches and decide what you
want to do with that information, you may discover ways you are
(13:48):
willing to honor your partner'sdesires and dreams, even if it's
not exactly what you want.
Being willing to honor yourpartner's dreams is different
from being a people pleaser,which bears the fruits of
resentment and animosity.
I'm not going to say a wholelot about this today, as I have
an upcoming episode in thisseries dedicated to the topic of
(14:10):
people pleasing, but for now,decide what areas there is a
want match, what areas therearen't and what areas you're
willing to honor yourself andthe other person.
Then you can put your energyinto coming together on the
things you both want,understanding your want matches
and mismatches, defining how youwant to honor the other person
(14:30):
and yourself, and then lettinggo of areas that don't match up
allows you to create a loving,genuine, independent
relationship where you setyourself and the other person
free.
Do you really want your husbandto do that thing he really
doesn't want to do just to getyour approval, even if it makes
him miserable?
Are you in a relationship totap everything out of the person
(14:52):
against their will, or are youhere to learn what love truly is
?
Are you here to let them be theperson they are, outside of
your manual?
I know that I want to love mypeople for who they are, not for
the potential or who I wantthem to be or what I want them
to do, but purely for who theyare.
This is the type ofrelationship that makes me
(15:15):
exhale, relax and feel safe.
I encourage you, if you aremarried, to sit down and do this
one match exercise with yourhusband.
Discover what things he isdoing just to gain your approval
and let him know he doesn'tneed to keep doing those things
unless he truly wants to andlikes his reasons why he is
doing them.
(15:36):
When we stop demanding in ourrelationship and just share our
desires in a way that is openand inviting, we release
bitterness.
We free others from resentingor dreading being around us when
they feel they can't be true tothemselves in our presence.
Spend time nurturing your wantmatches and let the other things
go.
Acknowledge your manuals anddemands and then throw them away
(16:00):
as you see how much pain theybring you.
If there is something youdeeply desire that your partner
does not want, don't make itmean something detrimental about
the relationship, yourself orthe other person.
Turn toward the Lord with yourdesires and let him satisfy your
deepest longings.
I promise you your life will beso much richer.
(16:22):
All right, my friends, if youwant to apply what you're
learning, then go towwwmyhappyvaultcom and sign up
for clarity and courage, myonline coaching program.
It is chock full of resources,tools and coaching opportunities
.
You don't have to do this workalone.
I'm here to help and I want tohelp you really create change,
(16:45):
not just tell you a bunch ofinteresting things.
I want to help you apply whatyou're learning.
So if you aren't in clarity andcourage, you need to sign up.
If you want to try it out, knowthat you can cancel anytime,
but I think you'll want to stayfor a while.
Next week, on the podcast, wewill talk about boundaries.
I cannot wait.
I cannot wait, I will catch youthen.
You are listening to the Happiest Lives podcast with
Jill Lillard, episode number 19.
Welcome to the Happiest Livespodcast, where you'll learn to
think better, feel better andbecome the woman God says you
already are.
Here's your host, jill Lillard.
Hey, hey, everyone, welcomeback to the Relationship
(00:22):
Foundation series.
Last week, we talked about howyour relationship with someone
else is the sum of the thoughtsthat you have about them, and
how you can start working onyour relationship by becoming
aware of your thoughts.
We also discussed how faith inJesus impacts your sense of
identity, worth and having ornot having impacting how you
(00:44):
think about others in thesituations you find yourself in.
So often we start relationshipwork externally, with what is
going on with the other person.
Instead, I suggest that if youwant to have a huge impact on
your relationships, start yourrelationship work internally,
looking at what you are thinkingand determining if your
(01:07):
thoughts produce good fruit.
I see my clients doing thiswork on themselves and they
start thinking other people arechanging, when really they are
the ones thinking differently.
Sometimes others begin to showup differently, as we do, but
even if they don't, we canexperience the benefits of a
renewed mind and spirit thatdoes not depend on them changing
(01:31):
.
Think of a particularrelationship you want to improve
.
Ask yourself why am I in thisrelationship?
Have you ever asked that?
I think it's so important torecognize we are choosing our
relationships and to like thereasons why we're choosing them.
Oftentimes we carry anunconscious desire for another
(01:55):
person to make us happy and ifwe aren't aware of that, we will
feel entitled to certain thingsand make demands on the other
person, holding them to astandard we have made up in our
mind.
We expect them to follow ourbook of rules, our relationship
manual.
Our relationship manualincludes things we want and like
(02:16):
Don't yell at me.
Help me clean the house, ask mehow my day is, give me the
royal treatment on my birthdayand Mother's Day, surprise me
with random gifts, text me sweetmessages throughout the day,
tell me you love me.
The list of things we thinkwill make us happy goes on and
on.
If your primary goal of arelationship is that it will
(02:39):
make your life better, thenyou're probably feeling
powerless and disappointed.
Listen to me Other people can'tmake you happy, and yet so
often we attribute our happinessor unhappiness to things they
are doing or not doing.
Even if they did everything youwanted, you might still be
(03:00):
unhappy.
So what does this mean for ourbook of wants and desires?
I will first say that often wedon't let others know what is in
our relationship manual.
Yet we get angry, disappointed,frustrated and controlling when
they don't show up how we wantthem to.
We hold them to ourexpectations even though we
(03:22):
haven't communicated what wewant.
So I do recommend lettingothers know what you want and
see if they want this too.
But know this they may not wantto do the things you want them
to do, or they may agree, butthey don't remember to do the
things.
They will behave however theywant, and there's nothing you
(03:43):
can do about it.
Yes, you can try and make themdo it, but often people rebel
against something they feelforced to do, or they do it, but
it doesn't feel good to them.
If we try to manage them doingwhat we want, we often don't
feel happy about it.
Either we see how they aredoing it the wrong way, or we
wish they did it without ourprompting.
(04:04):
And so our relationship manualsets us up for disappointment
because it shows us how shortothers are falling.
Isn't this what the Bible tellsus about the law?
The law is God's manual, hisdesires and wants.
His moral standards expose ourhuman shortcomings and
(04:24):
sinfulness.
It demonstrates the inabilityof humans to perfectly meet
God's standards and earnsalvation.
However, by the grace of God,the law finds its ultimate
fulfillment in Jesus, whoestablished a new covenant based
on grace and faith, believingand receiving.
(04:46):
While God's law cannot save, itcontinues to guide believers in
righteous living as they walkin the grace and love of God.
It's a relationship based onwillingness, believing and
receiving that saves us, notadherence to rules.
Change starts not by works oractions, but in your heart.
(05:09):
Isn't this beautiful?
So if God does not hold ourfailure to meet his standards
against us when we believe andreceive, who are we to withhold
love from another when they failto meet our expectations?
What we really long for is arelationship with that other
person, which may not equate tothem, following our relationship
(05:32):
manual, fulfilling our deepestdesires.
So here is what I suggest Writedown all your expectations for
the other person in thisrelationship.
Don't hold back.
This is your relationshipmanual.
Now imagine this person has arelationship manual for you,
because they do, whether theyrealize it or not.
(05:54):
Imagine they give you thismanual of how they want you to
behave so they will be happy.
It may include things like Ineed you to be positive and not
in a bad mood.
I need you not to get upsetwith me when I leave things on
the counters.
I need you to watch footballwith me on Sundays.
I need you to greet mecheerfully when I come home from
work.
(06:14):
The list goes on and on.
How does that make you feel?
For most of us, this feelsterrible, and yet we do it to
others.
As I said earlier, I think ifyou want or desire something in
your relationship, you shouldtell the other person, and I
still hold on to that.
If you have a manual for them,you should at least let them
(06:36):
know.
The problem is, when we hangour happiness on whether they
comply or not, we are using ourmanuals against ourselves.
The bottom line is human beingsget to do what they want.
God has given us all free willand he has not assigned people
the role of making others happy.
Yes, he has called us to loveand serve others, but that is
(06:58):
not the same as striving toplease them.
There is a place within us thatonly the Lord can fill.
He wants to be the center ofour wants, desires and
confidence and for this reason,others will always fall short
because they are not God.
I like to believe that God hasgiven me everything I need and
(07:18):
His grace is sufficient.
When I lack, unmet wants anddesires are prompts to turn
toward Him and let Him fill meup.
We should support and encourageothers, as we are all part of
one body where Christ is ahead.
But our central purpose is notto make others happy or for them
to make us happy.
Our joy comes from the Lord andonly he will fully satisfy.
(07:43):
I think it's super important toturn toward your partner, deepen
your understanding of who theyare and what they like, and find
ways to love and honor eachother.
I think it's important toconsider others as you consider
yourself and ask for what youwant and make a request.
However, as you ask, set theother person free from following
your manual.
(08:04):
In fact, throw away the manual.
Ask without demanding, knowingthey can say no.
When you stop thinking you haveto control them and get them to
comply to secure your happiness, you are set free.
Most of the suffering inrelationships comes from people
not behaving how we think theyshould behave.
(08:25):
So if you can just stop havingmanuals and let others behave
how they want to, takingresponsibility for your
happiness, your life will changecompletely.
Let's say you tell your husbandI would love for you to put your
dirty clothes in a hamperinstead of the floor.
And he continues to put them onthe floor, even though you've
(08:46):
asked him not to.
What do you make it mean whenhe does that?
This will determine the futureof your relationship?
What so many of us choose tomake this mean at that moment is
he is inconsiderate, he'sirresponsible, he expects me to
do everything, he doesn't loveme enough.
The list goes on and on.
How you interpret hisnoncompliance deteriorates the
(09:09):
quality of your relationship.
But what if, instead, youdecide I will not let my
happiness in this relationshipbe defined by whether he puts
his clothes in the hamperInstead of making it mean he's
expecting you to do everythingor he doesn't love you.
What if you think it hasnothing to do with you?
Maybe he simply forgot, ormaybe he intentionally didn't do
(09:33):
it, as he's playing out somedynamic with his mother from
childhood.
But it's not about you.
I had a couple whose wife wasthe primary breadwetter, working
full time.
She did not contribute as muchto the household chores as he
did.
But she agreed to do thelaundry, working night shifts
and sleeping by day.
Laundry would pile up and shecould not seem to follow through
(09:55):
on a system for getting it done.
He made her lack of followthrough mean that she did not
consider him.
He believed if she loved himshe would follow through with
their commitments at home.
Feeling unloved, he wouldcriticize and lecture her about
how she was inconsiderate andtell her if she cared about the
relationship, she would get thelaundry done.
(10:16):
He closed himself off to herand resentment grew in his heart
as he stopped turning towardher lovingly.
I pointed out to him it may ormay not be true that your wife
does not consider you.
I see a lot of evidence thatshe does.
But let's say you're right andshe does not consider you in
this manner.
(10:36):
What if this had nothing to dowith her love and concern for
you?
What if her brain workeddifferently or it was part of
her ADHD or her work schedule?
What if it was not meanspirited and she was just doing
the best?
She knows how Her following hismanual became more important to
(10:56):
him than the connection in love, as he made her actions a
symbol of not caring.
He was so rigid in how hedefined love and what that
looked like that he could notget past her lack of follow
through.
In fact, he only found evidencethat she did not consider him.
The truth is, he can makehimself so much more happy than
she could make him.
(11:17):
It is okay that he wanted herto contribute more at home, and
I can understand howdisappointing it would be when
she didn't follow through withher commitments.
It's okay that he asked formore help.
It's healthy to turn toward andshare your heart and find ways
to honor one another best.
Holding so tightly to hisexpectations and what he had
(11:38):
made her actions mean just wasnot beneficial to him.
Demanding that she follow hismanual prevented him from
problem solving, loving her andgrowing through their
differences.
Years ago my husband commentedthat I slammed the door too hard
the car door and yet, try as Imay, I just could not seem to
remember to be more gentle whenI closed it.
(12:00):
It would just slip my mind toeven think about it.
So I could tell him I'll do mybest not to slam the door, but
sometimes I'm just not going toremember.
So what I really want for youis not to get mad at me.
If I do Now.
He may still get mad, as I mayabsentmindedly slam the door.
He let me know what he wantedand I let him know what I wanted
(12:22):
, and we both genuinely careabout the other person.
If he gets mad when I slam thedoor, I don't have to make that
mean that he's being a jerk, anymore than he has to make it
mean that I'm being a jerk if Islam the door.
The difference between wantingand requesting something and
demanding something is what wemake compliance mean.
When our peace and joy arehinging on their compliance,
(12:44):
then we are going to be verymiserable.
An exercise I have my couples dois individually making a list
of the things they want.
Include all the things in yourrelationship manual.
Include things you want thatyou already have and things you
want that you don't have.
Then compare your list and seewhat things match up.
Being able to acknowledge whatyou both want in areas where
(13:06):
your wants don't match up isvery helpful.
For instance, if you are a veryextroverted social person and
it's important for you to beable to go out socially together
as a couple and your partnerwants to be able to stay home
from social events, you have aproblem.
You have to take ownership ofyour decision to be in a
relationship with someone whodoes not want to go to social
(13:27):
gatherings with you.
You have to acknowledge amismatch in this area, but also
your desire to be in arelationship with one another.
This way, you're not forcingsomeone to honor your manual if
they don't want or are unwillingto.
As you look at your matches andmismatches and decide what you
want to do with that information, you may discover ways you are
(13:48):
willing to honor your partner'sdesires and dreams, even if it's
not exactly what you want.
Being willing to honor yourpartner's dreams is different
from being a people pleaser,which bears the fruits of
resentment and animosity.
I'm not going to say a wholelot about this today, as I have
an upcoming episode in thisseries dedicated to the topic of
(14:10):
people pleasing, but for now,decide what areas there is a
want match, what areas therearen't and what areas you're
willing to honor yourself andthe other person.
Then you can put your energyinto coming together on the
things you both want,understanding your want matches
and mismatches, defining how youwant to honor the other person
(14:30):
and yourself, and then lettinggo of areas that don't match up
allows you to create a loving,genuine, independent
relationship where you setyourself and the other person
free.
Do you really want your husbandto do that thing he really
doesn't want to do just to getyour approval, even if it makes
him miserable?
Are you in a relationship totap everything out of the person
(14:52):
against their will, or are youhere to learn what love truly is
?
Are you here to let them be theperson they are, outside of
your manual?
I know that I want to love mypeople for who they are, not for
the potential or who I wantthem to be or what I want them
to do, but purely for who theyare.
This is the type ofrelationship that makes me
(15:15):
exhale, relax and feel safe.
I encourage you, if you aremarried, to sit down and do this
one match exercise with yourhusband.
Discover what things he isdoing just to gain your approval
and let him know he doesn'tneed to keep doing those things
unless he truly wants to andlikes his reasons why he is
doing them.
(15:36):
When we stop demanding in ourrelationship and just share our
desires in a way that is openand inviting, we release
bitterness.
We free others from resentingor dreading being around us when
they feel they can't be true tothemselves in our presence.
Spend time nurturing your wantmatches and let the other things
go.
Acknowledge your manuals anddemands and then throw them away
(16:00):
as you see how much pain theybring you.
If there is something youdeeply desire that your partner
does not want, don't make itmean something detrimental about
the relationship, yourself orthe other person.
Turn toward the Lord with yourdesires and let him satisfy your
deepest longings.
I promise you your life will beso much richer.
(16:22):
All right, my friends, if youwant to apply what you're
learning, then go towwwmyhappyvaultcom and sign up
for clarity and courage, myonline coaching program.
It is chock full of resources,tools and coaching opportunities
.
You don't have to do this workalone.
I'm here to help and I want tohelp you really create change,
(16:45):
not just tell you a bunch ofinteresting things.
I want to help you apply whatyou're learning.
So if you aren't in clarity andcourage, you need to sign up.
If you want to try it out, knowthat you can cancel anytime,
but I think you'll want to stayfor a while.
Next week, on the podcast, wewill talk about boundaries.
I cannot wait.
I cannot wait, I will catch youthen.
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