July 18, 2024 • 29 mins
Ever wondered why you constantly seek approval from others? This episode promises to unveil the hidden influences from your childhood, particularly the roles of your parents, that have shaped your people-pleasing habits.
"When you put others first, it backfires 100% of the time."
-Abraham Hicks
Discover how behaviors learned from your mother, the embodiment of love, and your father, the figure of power and authority, have led you into a cycle of external validation. We’ll walk you through the process of breaking free from these patterns by cultivating new well-being habits, developing a conscious awareness, and releasing inherited traumas. Your journey back to your authentic self starts here.
Setting boundaries can feel daunting, but it’s a crucial skill for reclaiming your worth and confidence. We’ll explore the deep ties between people-pleasing and issues of self-esteem, worthiness, and confidence. Learn why sacrificing your personal needs for others' approval leads to dissatisfaction in multiple life areas and how self-care and self-acknowledgment are transformative.
This is episode will change the way you'll want show up in you daily life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
One of the main human needs is to feel loved and
appreciated.
But have you ever felt thatyou're giving your power or your
energy away to try and get thatlove and validation from other
people?
But it's causing you stress?
That's called people pleasingand I'm going to share with you
how to break free from thatpattern.
Hello and welcome to the JamesGranstrom podcast Super Soul
(00:23):
Model series, where I help youtune and tap into a natural
state of well-being.
In this episode we're going toexplore how you can break free
from people-pleasing habits.
If you find that your energy islow or you find resentment
between yourself and anybodyelse, the reason why that is is
because at some level of youryour being even whether you're
(00:44):
aware or not, it's because youare people pleasing.
And as soon as you start tocultivate some new well-being
habits, some understanding andawareness, which you have to
cultivate first, then you'regoing to be free of this cycle.
This was something that wasstuck in for so many years and,
whether you know it or not, youhave learned this behavior.
(01:06):
You've learned this behaviorfrom your parents.
It initially starts with themother, which represents love,
or the father, which representspower and authority, and whoever
you spent more time with inyour youth is where you picked
up this energy.
So if you are learning how tolove from your mother, who is
teaching you how to love, but ifshe's got self-esteem issues,
(01:28):
if she had challenges withworthiness or overgiving, then
you would have picked that up aswell, and then you'll be trying
to do exactly the same andemulate that behavior, because
our parents are our models orour guides about how we're
supposed to operate in the world.
Now, if, with regards to yourfather, if you spent much more
(01:49):
time with your father and youneeded your father's validation
sometimes with the father andthe authority he wouldn't
validate you until you didsomething amazing.
And this can create a childthat grows up where they may be
very successful externally, butinwardly they feel tired and
(02:10):
lack of energy because they areworking so hard and to achieve
success, finance and everythinglike that, but at the detriment
of their own health and wellnessthe detriment of their own
health and wellness and allbecause they needed their
father's love and approval andvalidation.
So, either way, your peoplepleasing some aspect of your
(02:33):
being, either from your mother'saspect, which is the feminine,
which is to do with love, or themasculine, which is the power
element, which is to do withyour father, and if you needed
love or validation from one ofthose people, you would emulate
exactly that, and so we becomeimbalanced as human beings and
we need to return back to ourcenter again, and the only way
(02:54):
we can do that is through havingconscious awareness, and in
this episode, I'm going to sharewith you how to come back to
your center again through someunderstanding, through some
strategies, so you can resetyourself back to that person
that you are, which was perfectwhen you came here, when you
(03:14):
first were a little baby and aninfant.
You learn behaviors from peoplewho already had traumas, who
already had pain.
So, in order to stop peoplepleasing, we need to release
those traumas who already hadpain.
So, in order to stop peoplepleasing, we need to release
those traumas of the people thatguided us meaning your parents
and then start bringing thatattention back onto ourselves
and open our heart again,because it's safe.
(03:35):
So, instead of feeling like youhave to work harder to get
validation, or you need to givemore to get people's love and
approval, or you need to givemore to get people's love and
approval.
What I'm suggesting in thisparticular episode is we'll
explore how you can come back toyour center and recognize that
you're already perfect as youare and that it's healthy for
(03:57):
you to have certain things inplace to be able to stop the
habit or the cycle of peoplepleasing so you just remain in
your steady, beautiful glowingpower.
So people pleasing really stemsfrom the inability to say no,
feeling guilty aboutprioritizing your needs above
other people's and the constantneed of an approval and
(04:21):
validation from the externalworld to make yourself feel good
.
Now, whilst we all need to havesome sort of balance with this,
of course we want to bevalidated and of course we want
to be able to to say yes tothings, but when you are doing
it at the expense of your ownenergy, then you really need to
(04:41):
become a little bit moreconscious, because feeling
guilty about prioritizing yourown needs above others is really
tricky, even and especially ifyou're a parent.
You know they say in theairplane make sure you put that
oxygen mask on first before youhelp a child next to you,
because you're no good toanybody if you can't take care
of yourself first, and oftenwhen we are people pleasing,
(05:04):
we're trying to put othersbefore ourselves without having
filled up our own cup.
One of the rules of abundanceis let your cup runneth over.
That's what it kind of says inthe bible, and what it's trying
to say is fill yourself up, thengive.
But if you're doing it from aposition of I'm giving because I
don't feel worthy, then thenthat's not great.
(05:25):
I'm giving because I'm not goodenough, so maybe I'll get
validated by somebody.
That's not the way this issupposed to be.
People pleasing is putting otherpeople's needs before your own
without even taking care of yourown energy first.
The root causes of peoplepleasing comes from self-esteem
(05:45):
issues, worthiness issues,confidence issues and the
inability to speak up.
And if you've got any of thosechallenges on right now, then
that means you are peoplepleasing at some level and it
means that we need to addressthose.
And that's exactly what I wantto do with you.
And come from a position ofpower, because as soon as you
change your perspective on this,you're free and you become
(06:08):
liberated with the amount ofenergy you have and you start to
feel more and more confident inyour day-to-day life.
So how does people pleasing payout in your life?
It can play out in a myriad ofdifferent ways, and I've looked
into my own experience.
It's funny for me to laugh backat it now because it was just a
pattern, but it can.
It can show up in the form ofnot making the money that you
(06:28):
want, not making the promotionsthat you want or getting the job
that you want.
It can play out in terms ofless than satisfying
relationships.
It can play out by being closebut never quite getting or
hitting the mark of somethingthat you really want.
Maybe it's even in sports tosome extent.
You know, this was me for years,and then I realized I was like
(06:48):
what's the common denominatorhere?
The common denominator here isat some level of my being, I've
picked up a pattern or a thoughtform which I'm playing out,
which is I'm not enough.
And as soon as I started toturn that around, my life
changed, and yours will too,because you have to remember
this premise is the universewill respond to the emotions
(07:09):
that you're feeling on aday-to-day basis.
And in order to change theemotion, sometimes you need to
change your perspective first.
And as soon as you change yourperspective to a healthy
perspective and realize thetruth of who you are, which is
you are beautiful, you are goodenough, you're strong enough,
(07:31):
you're more than enough.
Then the world will begin toshape from this new way of
thinking that you have.
This is how my life transformed, and yours will too.
When you realize you're enough,there is enough.
There will always be enough foryou, and one of the best ways
to recognize that you're enoughis by spending a lot of time in
nature.
Nature is one of the best waysto recognize that you're enough
is by spending a lot of time innature.
Nature is one of the bestteachers for us, and I've just
come back from the alps now, andI was spending some time there
(07:51):
with a friend and I was lookingat all the mountain streams that
flow continuously all day longwith immense power.
Even if you look at somethinglike Niagara Falls, it's like it
flows a volume of about abillion gallons a day.
That never turns off.
And that's the same with you.
You are enough, you are morethan enough.
(08:12):
There will always be enoughthere.
You never sort of stop thinking, oh, there's no air to breathe
anymore.
There's always more air tobreathe in.
So you've got to recognize thatshortage is just a consciousness
.
Self-esteem is just a level ofconsciousness.
Knowing that you're good enoughand worthy enough is just a
level of understanding that youneed to be reminded of and I
(08:34):
think that this needs to be sortof taught in schools that all
kids, that you're beautifulenough, you're good enough,
you're strong enough, you'resmart enough.
We're not all the same, but weall want the same thing, which
is to be reminded of who wereally are, and that's what the
purpose of this particularepisode is.
So if you're feeling any lackright now, if you're feeling
struggling, you feel stuck, thenit's really time to address
(08:57):
this issue once and for all.
That maybe you are peoplepleasing to get validation from
the world rather than validatingyourself, or you're working
extremely hard to get thevalidation and approval of a
parent, but in actual fact, theonly validation and approval you
need is your own, because youcame alone, you're going to die
alone and you're going to leaveuh footprints behind you,
(09:21):
because your life and how youlive it is your gift back to the
universe.
So one of the first solutionsto break free from the cycles of
people pleasing is learning tosay no gracefully and
assertively.
And if you're not prioritizingyour own needs, then you're
going to be in real troublebecause essentially, you're
still trying to get love andvalidation from other people,
(09:43):
and people just are reallythinking about themselves and
not always thinking about you.
And if you can't communicateyour needs to other people and
what you will and will not do,or what you will and will not
accept with clarity andconfidence, you're always going
to feel like you're going to gettrampled on, and it's really
(10:06):
important that you respectyourself enough.
That word respect yourself ishuge because it's basically
saying this is what I willtolerate and this is what I will
not tolerate.
And I noticed that the clientsthat I work with particularly
are very, very good at settinghealthy boundaries.
In business, this is what Iwill and won't accept, but when
(10:29):
it comes to personalrelationships, that line can be
blurred.
And the reason why that can beblurred is because there's
emotion involved, and inbusiness usually there's no
emotion, but when there's familyties, then there can be a lot
more emotion involved.
So we need to be very clearwith our borders and our
boundaries, just like when youhave a property, you need to
(10:52):
have a boundary of your propertyto make sure that this is your
space, and that's the same withyour energy, that's the same
with how you live your likeday-to-day life.
So how good are you at beingable to say no when you mean no
and yes when you mean yes?
I'll give you an example.
Recently I had a neighbor thatasked us out for dinner and they
(11:13):
wanted to drink and I don'tdrink.
And so, whilst we all live veryclose with one another, they
said we'll drive and we'll pickyou up.
And I was like well, number one, I don't drink and number two,
you want to drink, so I'm notgetting in the car with you.
If you drink, even if it's oneglass, I'm not interested, so I
(11:35):
will drive and if you choose todrink, you can drive yourself.
Setting healthy boundariesinvolves being really good at
communication and it's going tobe tricky at first, because
saying no to people that youreally care about and have an
emotional bond with usually it'sfamily saying no gracefully and
assertively requires a level ofconfidence.
(11:56):
And these are people whereyou've been validated and loved
all your entire life and youfeel like if you say no to them
you're going to be judged andthey won't love you.
But if you don't prioritizeyour own needs without guilt,
you're in trouble, and thenyou're a slave to that, and
that's how people findthemselves in very difficult
relationships, particularly withfamily members.
So it's really imperative thatyou learn to communicate your
(12:18):
limits clearly and confidently,even with people that are up
close and personal.
You've got to say this is whatI will and won't do, this is
what I can and I can't do, andmake your needs an absolute,
pressing priority.
When I first started stoppingdrinking alcohol and eating
vegetarian, my family thought itwas the weirdest thing in the
world drinking alcohol andeating vegetarian.
(12:39):
My family thought it was theweirdest thing in the world and,
although I thought I might bejudged for being very different
from them, it set me freebecause I was listening to my
body.
I was listening to what my bodywas trying to tell me.
My soul was trying to tell mewhich was.
It's okay to be different.
It's okay to put your needsfirst.
It's okay to not have to followthe crowd, even though you
(13:00):
think you may be judged.
I'm listening to this innerguidance that's coming from
within.
So saying no to alcohol for mewas a real blessing because it
saved my life and improved thequality of my relationships.
So saying no, gracefully, tothings that I knew no longer
served me any well was such aconfidence booster for me,
(13:21):
especially with the people thatI'd grown up doing things that
weren't good for my body with.
So what are the solutions tobreaking free from the cycle of
people pleasing?
Well, the first one is settinghealthy boundaries.
If you can't communicate yourneeds, then you are a slave.
You really need to learn how'tcommunicate your needs, then you
are a slave.
You really need to learn how tocommunicate your needs to other
people and you've got to learnhow to say no gracefully and
(13:45):
assertively.
And you've got to prioritizeyour needs without guilt to
other people and communicateyour limits clearly and
confidently.
Sometimes that's super tricky,particularly with family members
, and this is what I will andwon't tolerate, because
essentially you get what youtolerate.
You know, when I'm working withmy clients, like big CEOs,
often they are fantastic atsetting healthy boundaries and
(14:08):
limits in their business, butnot that great doing it in
personal life, and the reasonbeing is because there's emotion
attached to family members andso you always want to please
that family member, becausemaybe some of the people that I
work with aren't always aroundat home, so they want to spend
extra or give extra to thefamily members.
(14:28):
But sometimes that's donewithout balance and that causes
challenge.
So setting healthy boundariesis super essential for your
well-being and your state ofmind, and if you're always
saying yes rather than no,you're not in balance.
And if you can't prioritizeyour own needs first before like
(14:51):
giving way too much, thenyou're going to be feeling
resentment for over giving,perhaps.
So it's really important thatyou communicate your needs and
your limits of what you will andwhat you won't do, and one of
the best ways to do that is keepyour promises to yourself and
do what feels right to you,regardless of whether you're
going to be judged or not.
(15:12):
So in my case, years ago, when Ifirst started stopping drinking
alcohol, you know that was areally alien way of behaving,
according to my family, becausewe all drank alcohol, we all
partied, you know, and it was.
This is the way that we connectwith one another.
But I knew it was hurting mybody and, more importantly, I'd
nearly died from like going outand partying way too much and I
(15:34):
was like this just is not for meanymore.
So I had to stop that behaviorand say no gracefully to my
entire family and just saying,look, I'm not going to do this.
I'm not going to do this atcelebrations, I'm not going to
do this at Christmas.
I'm not going to do this atbirthdays.
I'm just going to have a softdrink.
And at the beginning everybodyfound that really weird, but I
(15:56):
listened to myself and I learnedto say no gracefully.
And it's also the same whengoing out with parties with
other people.
You know, can we catch a liftwith you?
Well, you can catch a lift withme, but I'm going to be driving
home early.
So if you want to catch a liftback, you got to get a taxi.
You got to say it straight.
Or, in my my case, not drinkingalcohol.
(16:18):
If you know, you're a big groupof people going out saying just
to let you know, I won't beplaying for everybody who's
drinking alcohol, because I'monly drinking water.
So communicating your needs issuper essential for your own
state of well-being.
This is just a little exampleof how I learned how to set
greater healthy boundaries in mylife and develop more
(16:41):
confidence, without feeling badabout saying this is who I am
and this is how I'm rolling.
So look into your ownexperience.
What you, what do you tolerateand what won't you tolerate?
What will you tolerate inrelationships and what won't you
tolerate?
Same in work, same in the moneythat you're making.
If you don't like the job thatyou're doing, then you've got to
learn to either find somethingreally good in it right now, so
(17:04):
that you can improve yourfrequency, or start looking for
something that's going to makeyou feel so good, because that's
where you're essentiallyspending a lot of your energy.
So you've got to use your gifts, talents and abilities in a way
that's fun and profitable, butat the same time, by keeping
your healthy boundaries up.
Is the work that you're doingactually helping people or not?
(17:27):
You know, do you like what itstands for or not?
All these things are based uponwhat you value, and if you are
overstepping the mark with yourhealthy boundaries, meaning
you're not giving to yourself,then you're going to be
challenged.
You know every relationship youhave is based upon how you feel
about yourself, and the moreclear, the more confident, the
(17:50):
more poised you are, the betteryour relationships will reflect
that.
The second area to break freefrom the cycles of people
pleasing is to build self-worthand confidence, and that comes
from your solar plexus.
This area is your power center,and you've got to be able to
learn how to say I can or Icould have that that's possible
(18:11):
for me.
And your self-talk needs to bereally positive, it needs to be
optimistic.
You've got to have like littlenotes over the house saying, yep
, that's possible for me.
When you see a car or aproperty or someone succeeding
in their life, you've got tothink to yourself that's
possible for me, I could havethat.
Because if you're not thinkingthat, then all you're thinking
(18:32):
is is I'm not good enough, andthen you default back to that
old program which you've learned, and then you need to unlearn
that and start this new program.
You've got to start these newwheels in motion and law of
attraction will give you moremomentum to that which you focus
on.
So if you're saying I couldhave that or that's possible for
me, then what?
(18:52):
You're giving yourself moremomentum in that direction.
And it takes a little timebefore that catches up, but then
after a little while you well,anything's possible and that's
why you look at athletes andthey just go.
I just believe that it waspossible for me and you need to
believe that it's possible foryou.
So have a little post-it notesaying it's possible for me.
(19:14):
Or when you see somethingbeautiful in a magazine or you
pass a property or a car thatyou thought, oh, that would be
nice.
Just say yourself yeah, that'spossible for me, I could have
that.
That develops confidence, thatself-talk and being able to look
in the world and just go.
Do you know what I could havethat if I found a way?
(19:34):
That would be amazing.
You're not asking to find theway at that moment, but you've
got to just go.
Yeah, that's possible for me,because if it's possible for
someone else, it's also possiblefor you.
One of the best ways that youcould start to build greater
self-worth and confidence that Ilove is playing the what if
game with a positive sense oh,what if I had that?
(19:54):
Or what if I went there, andwhat if this worked out?
And what if this worked out.
That type of game is allowingthe mind to really imagine
what's possible without anyresistance, and it really helps
break free from people pleasing,because you're looking at
what's possible for you, andthat develops great confidence
(20:17):
and also celebrating yoursuccesses daily.
So at the end of the day, youmay have a gratitude journal,
but do you have a daily winsjournal?
And I have a daily wins whereI'm like, yeah, I was
celebrating this win today andthis win today and this win
today.
So I think about three types ofgood wins I've had through the
day.
Maybe it's receiving a newclient referral, or maybe it's
(20:42):
some content I put out that I'mreally proud of, or some money
I've made.
Whatever it's, whatever mysuccesses are, I always write
down a daily wins list.
This starts to again compoundyour good feeling inside of your
body and build self-worth andconfidence.
The next thing to build moreself-esteem is joining classes
(21:03):
and gym groups and social groups.
It's so important that you hangaround the right people because
by osmosis, you're going topick up that energy too.
So being in gym classes or yogaclasses and you feel like
you're in a community.
This is going to build yourself-worth and confidence, and
at the beginning you might bepretty rubbish at going to a gym
class or whatever, but stickwith it, because everybody is
(21:26):
climbing their own mountain andwhen you commit to a project and
actually see it through, thatalso builds confidence as well.
So, whatever you're going to do, if you haven't finished
something that you've started,try and finish it, because that
actually creates a confidencewith inside your mind saying I
can start something and I canfinish it, because starting
(21:49):
something is easy but finishingsomething is particularly hard
and if you ever run a marathon,you'll recognize that.
It's easy to run the first 13,but as soon as you get to about
the 18 mile mark you're out ofgas and it requires six more
miles of intense mental pressurefor you to actually want to
finish.
So whatever project you've gotgoing on, when you see it
(22:09):
through, the greatest thing thatyou're going to learn on the
way is the confidence to be ableto start and finish.
Also, another way to buildself-worth and confidence is
just by the way that you standin your physiology.
Tony robbins talks about it,but in more detail, amy cuddy
talks about it in a tedx talk,which is like standing in the
wonder woman pose or thesuperhero pose.
(22:31):
They've scientifically proventhat just putting your hands on
your hips for two minuteschanges the testosterone levels
inside of your body, which givesyou more confidence.
That physiology transfers intothe body.
The more open your body, themore confident you are.
The more closed your body, theless confident you are.
So just look, how can you openyour body?
(22:53):
How can you stand tall?
How can you stand with yourchest out just a little bit more
like in a military pose?
That one millimeter of changingthat chest can open the heart
valve, making you appear moreconfident, even if you didn't
feel it just in that moment.
Now the next thing to break freefrom the people pleasing cycle
is to develop mindfulness.
For me, my therapy wasmeditation.
(23:17):
Learning how to silence my mindevery single day for like way
over 20 years now has beenabsolute heaven for me to be
able to see thoughts, behaviors,patterns and things that have
helped me back that I wasn'teven aware of.
And whilst we have things likepodcasts here of what I'm
sharing, of how you can breakfree from the patterns, sitting
(23:39):
still and recognizing your ownpatterns in the silence is
incredibly powerful for you.
And then, as you're sitting inthe silence, you'll notice that
your behaviors are eitherserving you or not serving you,
and that becomes a reallywonderful indicator and I love
this like analogy of what I callmeditation.
Meditation is basically likedownloading what you need to
(24:00):
know from a stream ofconsciousness that sort of gets
unfolded throughout your day,and you downloaded some new
information that you don't getto see until something shows up
during the day and you'll belike, how about that?
Oh, I see clearly now on thistopic in my life, or I see
clearly about how to respond inthis relationship in my life.
(24:22):
Or I can see why that's life,or I can see why that's working
and I can see why that's notworking.
And I can see where I need tovalue myself more and I can see
where I haven't been valuingmyself enough.
And that's what meditation canoffer you.
It's so profoundly helpful andhas helped me eliminate so many
bad habits that I had, which,quite frankly, have saved my
(24:44):
life and made my lifesignificantly better.
And also looking at yourselfhaving a journal where you're
focusing on your positiveaspects of yourself, is going to
vastly improve the quality ofyour relationship with yourself
and people.
Pleasing only is reallyhappening is because you're not
valuing yourself.
And when you're looking at thebest in yourself, your strengths
(25:06):
enhance.
But when you're looking at theworst in yourself, then that too
will enhance, because law ofattraction just gives you more
of what you focus on.
So focus on your strengths, andif you have weaknesses, fine,
but give more attention to yourstrengths and notice how much
more they'll become prevalent inyour experience.
(25:27):
And when you're looking atother people, look at other
people's positive aspects aswell.
It's not always going to beeasy, but what you focus on is
what you're going to get more of.
So focus on the good in you andin other people too, and you'll
notice that you won't have theneed to constantly people please
, because you'll be filled upfrom within side of yourself.
(25:47):
First, meditation fills you up.
Exercise fills you up.
Taking care of your physicalform and your body through
nutrition fills you up.
Positive self-talk fills you up.
Being around good people whoare fun and uplifting fills you
up.
Being in nature fills you up.
And any time that you're tryingto overexert yourself to get
(26:09):
validation from the externalworld, just stop and pause.
You're saying is this actuallyhelping me or not?
Is this taking me where I wantto go or not?
Am I trying to get validationfrom somebody to feel loved or
not?
And sometimes we're looking forvalidation from people on
social media.
I need them to like me so thatI feel special.
(26:30):
I feel loved by them.
What you really need is to feelloved and special by yourself.
And then, when you do andyou're not bothered about what
happens on the external world,then usually what happens?
The magnets change and peoplecome to you.
Don't chase attract, and youattract by filling up your own
cup by filling yourself up withthese beautiful well-being
(26:53):
habits and strategies andrecognizing that you're always
enough.
And if you find that difficultto say that you're enough, just
say well, why am I enough?
And that question starts tochange the train of thinking and
the train of emotion going oninside of your body.
And to conclude with this isall a journey.
Learning to be completely atone and at peace with yourself
(27:17):
and knowing you're enough is ajourney.
You're not going to get it rightevery day, so be gentle with
yourself.
You know this requires a greatdeal of self-awareness and
commitment and practice, butyou're worth it.
You're worth showing up foryourself and prioritize your own
needs first and your own energyfirst, so that you're filled up
, rather than depleting yourenergy trying to please other
(27:40):
people, to get validation, whichyou're never really going to
get.
Fill yourself up, follow yourheart and do what brings you joy
.
And when you fill yourself up,you will be naturally validated
by the external world, becauseyou're not needing the
validation, because you'realready validating yourself by
the good feelings that you have.
If that's the only message youtake from this whole episode,
(28:03):
let it be that one.
But most of all, be gentle withyourself along the way, because
being gentle with yourself andnot criticizing yourself for for
not being further ahead thanyou think you should be right
now is basically, like you know,shooting yourself in the foot.
There's no need for that.
You are your own mountain, youtake it at your own pace, but
(28:24):
recognize that you're beautiful,you're strong enough, you're
good enough, just as you areright now, and you're work in
progress, and life is just goingto get a lot better.
From this beautiful stance andway of being.
I just wanted to say thank youfor all the people that support
the show, all the people thatsubscribe, the people that
support the show, all the peoplethat subscribe.
I love you all.
I could not do this without you.
(28:45):
Thank you for being in my life.
I so appreciate sharing thiscontent with you.
You guys are amazing.
I hope you've enjoyed thisepisode and, until the next
episode, I wish you a wonderfulweek ahead and green lights all
the way.
One of the main human needs is to feel loved and
appreciated.
But have you ever felt thatyou're giving your power or your
energy away to try and get thatlove and validation from other
people?
But it's causing you stress?
That's called people pleasingand I'm going to share with you
how to break free from thatpattern.
Hello and welcome to the JamesGranstrom podcast Super Soul
(00:23):
Model series, where I help youtune and tap into a natural
state of well-being.
In this episode we're going toexplore how you can break free
from people-pleasing habits.
If you find that your energy islow or you find resentment
between yourself and anybodyelse, the reason why that is is
because at some level of youryour being even whether you're
(00:44):
aware or not, it's because youare people pleasing.
And as soon as you start tocultivate some new well-being
habits, some understanding andawareness, which you have to
cultivate first, then you'regoing to be free of this cycle.
This was something that wasstuck in for so many years and,
whether you know it or not, youhave learned this behavior.
(01:06):
You've learned this behaviorfrom your parents.
It initially starts with themother, which represents love,
or the father, which representspower and authority, and whoever
you spent more time with inyour youth is where you picked
up this energy.
So if you are learning how tolove from your mother, who is
teaching you how to love, but ifshe's got self-esteem issues,
(01:28):
if she had challenges withworthiness or overgiving, then
you would have picked that up aswell, and then you'll be trying
to do exactly the same andemulate that behavior, because
our parents are our models orour guides about how we're
supposed to operate in the world.
Now, if, with regards to yourfather, if you spent much more
(01:49):
time with your father and youneeded your father's validation
sometimes with the father andthe authority he wouldn't
validate you until you didsomething amazing.
And this can create a childthat grows up where they may be
very successful externally, butinwardly they feel tired and
(02:10):
lack of energy because they areworking so hard and to achieve
success, finance and everythinglike that, but at the detriment
of their own health and wellnessthe detriment of their own
health and wellness and allbecause they needed their
father's love and approval andvalidation.
So, either way, your peoplepleasing some aspect of your
(02:33):
being, either from your mother'saspect, which is the feminine,
which is to do with love, or themasculine, which is the power
element, which is to do withyour father, and if you needed
love or validation from one ofthose people, you would emulate
exactly that, and so we becomeimbalanced as human beings and
we need to return back to ourcenter again, and the only way
(02:54):
we can do that is through havingconscious awareness, and in
this episode, I'm going to sharewith you how to come back to
your center again through someunderstanding, through some
strategies, so you can resetyourself back to that person
that you are, which was perfectwhen you came here, when you
(03:14):
first were a little baby and aninfant.
You learn behaviors from peoplewho already had traumas, who
already had pain.
So, in order to stop peoplepleasing, we need to release
those traumas who already hadpain.
So, in order to stop peoplepleasing, we need to release
those traumas of the people thatguided us meaning your parents
and then start bringing thatattention back onto ourselves
and open our heart again,because it's safe.
(03:35):
So, instead of feeling like youhave to work harder to get
validation, or you need to givemore to get people's love and
approval, or you need to givemore to get people's love and
approval.
What I'm suggesting in thisparticular episode is we'll
explore how you can come back toyour center and recognize that
you're already perfect as youare and that it's healthy for
(03:57):
you to have certain things inplace to be able to stop the
habit or the cycle of peoplepleasing so you just remain in
your steady, beautiful glowingpower.
So people pleasing really stemsfrom the inability to say no,
feeling guilty aboutprioritizing your needs above
other people's and the constantneed of an approval and
(04:21):
validation from the externalworld to make yourself feel good
.
Now, whilst we all need to havesome sort of balance with this,
of course we want to bevalidated and of course we want
to be able to to say yes tothings, but when you are doing
it at the expense of your ownenergy, then you really need to
(04:41):
become a little bit moreconscious, because feeling
guilty about prioritizing yourown needs above others is really
tricky, even and especially ifyou're a parent.
You know they say in theairplane make sure you put that
oxygen mask on first before youhelp a child next to you,
because you're no good toanybody if you can't take care
of yourself first, and oftenwhen we are people pleasing,
(05:04):
we're trying to put othersbefore ourselves without having
filled up our own cup.
One of the rules of abundanceis let your cup runneth over.
That's what it kind of says inthe bible, and what it's trying
to say is fill yourself up, thengive.
But if you're doing it from aposition of I'm giving because I
don't feel worthy, then thenthat's not great.
(05:25):
I'm giving because I'm not goodenough, so maybe I'll get
validated by somebody.
That's not the way this issupposed to be.
People pleasing is putting otherpeople's needs before your own
without even taking care of yourown energy first.
The root causes of peoplepleasing comes from self-esteem
(05:45):
issues, worthiness issues,confidence issues and the
inability to speak up.
And if you've got any of thosechallenges on right now, then
that means you are peoplepleasing at some level and it
means that we need to addressthose.
And that's exactly what I wantto do with you.
And come from a position ofpower, because as soon as you
change your perspective on this,you're free and you become
(06:08):
liberated with the amount ofenergy you have and you start to
feel more and more confident inyour day-to-day life.
So how does people pleasing payout in your life?
It can play out in a myriad ofdifferent ways, and I've looked
into my own experience.
It's funny for me to laugh backat it now because it was just a
pattern, but it can.
It can show up in the form ofnot making the money that you
(06:28):
want, not making the promotionsthat you want or getting the job
that you want.
It can play out in terms ofless than satisfying
relationships.
It can play out by being closebut never quite getting or
hitting the mark of somethingthat you really want.
Maybe it's even in sports tosome extent.
You know, this was me for years,and then I realized I was like
(06:48):
what's the common denominatorhere?
The common denominator here isat some level of my being, I've
picked up a pattern or a thoughtform which I'm playing out,
which is I'm not enough.
And as soon as I started toturn that around, my life
changed, and yours will too,because you have to remember
this premise is the universewill respond to the emotions
(07:09):
that you're feeling on aday-to-day basis.
And in order to change theemotion, sometimes you need to
change your perspective first.
And as soon as you change yourperspective to a healthy
perspective and realize thetruth of who you are, which is
you are beautiful, you are goodenough, you're strong enough,
(07:31):
you're more than enough.
Then the world will begin toshape from this new way of
thinking that you have.
This is how my life transformed, and yours will too.
When you realize you're enough,there is enough.
There will always be enough foryou, and one of the best ways
to recognize that you're enoughis by spending a lot of time in
nature.
Nature is one of the best waysto recognize that you're enough
is by spending a lot of time innature.
Nature is one of the bestteachers for us, and I've just
come back from the alps now, andI was spending some time there
(07:51):
with a friend and I was lookingat all the mountain streams that
flow continuously all day longwith immense power.
Even if you look at somethinglike Niagara Falls, it's like it
flows a volume of about abillion gallons a day.
That never turns off.
And that's the same with you.
You are enough, you are morethan enough.
(08:12):
There will always be enoughthere.
You never sort of stop thinking, oh, there's no air to breathe
anymore.
There's always more air tobreathe in.
So you've got to recognize thatshortage is just a consciousness
.
Self-esteem is just a level ofconsciousness.
Knowing that you're good enoughand worthy enough is just a
level of understanding that youneed to be reminded of and I
(08:34):
think that this needs to be sortof taught in schools that all
kids, that you're beautifulenough, you're good enough,
you're strong enough, you'resmart enough.
We're not all the same, but weall want the same thing, which
is to be reminded of who wereally are, and that's what the
purpose of this particularepisode is.
So if you're feeling any lackright now, if you're feeling
struggling, you feel stuck, thenit's really time to address
(08:57):
this issue once and for all.
That maybe you are peoplepleasing to get validation from
the world rather than validatingyourself, or you're working
extremely hard to get thevalidation and approval of a
parent, but in actual fact, theonly validation and approval you
need is your own, because youcame alone, you're going to die
alone and you're going to leaveuh footprints behind you,
(09:21):
because your life and how youlive it is your gift back to the
universe.
So one of the first solutionsto break free from the cycles of
people pleasing is learning tosay no gracefully and
assertively.
And if you're not prioritizingyour own needs, then you're
going to be in real troublebecause essentially, you're
still trying to get love andvalidation from other people,
(09:43):
and people just are reallythinking about themselves and
not always thinking about you.
And if you can't communicateyour needs to other people and
what you will and will not do,or what you will and will not
accept with clarity andconfidence, you're always going
to feel like you're going to gettrampled on, and it's really
(10:06):
important that you respectyourself enough.
That word respect yourself ishuge because it's basically
saying this is what I willtolerate and this is what I will
not tolerate.
And I noticed that the clientsthat I work with particularly
are very, very good at settinghealthy boundaries.
In business, this is what Iwill and won't accept, but when
(10:29):
it comes to personalrelationships, that line can be
blurred.
And the reason why that can beblurred is because there's
emotion involved, and inbusiness usually there's no
emotion, but when there's familyties, then there can be a lot
more emotion involved.
So we need to be very clearwith our borders and our
boundaries, just like when youhave a property, you need to
(10:52):
have a boundary of your propertyto make sure that this is your
space, and that's the same withyour energy, that's the same
with how you live your likeday-to-day life.
So how good are you at beingable to say no when you mean no
and yes when you mean yes?
I'll give you an example.
Recently I had a neighbor thatasked us out for dinner and they
(11:13):
wanted to drink and I don'tdrink.
And so, whilst we all live veryclose with one another, they
said we'll drive and we'll pickyou up.
And I was like well, number one, I don't drink and number two,
you want to drink, so I'm notgetting in the car with you.
If you drink, even if it's oneglass, I'm not interested, so I
(11:35):
will drive and if you choose todrink, you can drive yourself.
Setting healthy boundariesinvolves being really good at
communication and it's going tobe tricky at first, because
saying no to people that youreally care about and have an
emotional bond with usually it'sfamily saying no gracefully and
assertively requires a level ofconfidence.
(11:56):
And these are people whereyou've been validated and loved
all your entire life and youfeel like if you say no to them
you're going to be judged andthey won't love you.
But if you don't prioritizeyour own needs without guilt,
you're in trouble, and thenyou're a slave to that, and
that's how people findthemselves in very difficult
relationships, particularly withfamily members.
So it's really imperative thatyou learn to communicate your
(12:18):
limits clearly and confidently,even with people that are up
close and personal.
You've got to say this is whatI will and won't do, this is
what I can and I can't do, andmake your needs an absolute,
pressing priority.
When I first started stoppingdrinking alcohol and eating
vegetarian, my family thought itwas the weirdest thing in the
world drinking alcohol andeating vegetarian.
(12:39):
My family thought it was theweirdest thing in the world and,
although I thought I might bejudged for being very different
from them, it set me freebecause I was listening to my
body.
I was listening to what my bodywas trying to tell me.
My soul was trying to tell mewhich was.
It's okay to be different.
It's okay to put your needsfirst.
It's okay to not have to followthe crowd, even though you
(13:00):
think you may be judged.
I'm listening to this innerguidance that's coming from
within.
So saying no to alcohol for mewas a real blessing because it
saved my life and improved thequality of my relationships.
So saying no, gracefully, tothings that I knew no longer
served me any well was such aconfidence booster for me,
(13:21):
especially with the people thatI'd grown up doing things that
weren't good for my body with.
So what are the solutions tobreaking free from the cycle of
people pleasing?
Well, the first one is settinghealthy boundaries.
If you can't communicate yourneeds, then you are a slave.
You really need to learn how'tcommunicate your needs, then you
are a slave.
You really need to learn how tocommunicate your needs to other
people and you've got to learnhow to say no gracefully and
(13:45):
assertively.
And you've got to prioritizeyour needs without guilt to
other people and communicateyour limits clearly and
confidently.
Sometimes that's super tricky,particularly with family members
, and this is what I will andwon't tolerate, because
essentially you get what youtolerate.
You know, when I'm working withmy clients, like big CEOs,
often they are fantastic atsetting healthy boundaries and
(14:08):
limits in their business, butnot that great doing it in
personal life, and the reasonbeing is because there's emotion
attached to family members andso you always want to please
that family member, becausemaybe some of the people that I
work with aren't always aroundat home, so they want to spend
extra or give extra to thefamily members.
(14:28):
But sometimes that's donewithout balance and that causes
challenge.
So setting healthy boundariesis super essential for your
well-being and your state ofmind, and if you're always
saying yes rather than no,you're not in balance.
And if you can't prioritizeyour own needs first before like
(14:51):
giving way too much, thenyou're going to be feeling
resentment for over giving,perhaps.
So it's really important thatyou communicate your needs and
your limits of what you will andwhat you won't do, and one of
the best ways to do that is keepyour promises to yourself and
do what feels right to you,regardless of whether you're
going to be judged or not.
(15:12):
So in my case, years ago, when Ifirst started stopping drinking
alcohol, you know that was areally alien way of behaving,
according to my family, becausewe all drank alcohol, we all
partied, you know, and it was.
This is the way that we connectwith one another.
But I knew it was hurting mybody and, more importantly, I'd
nearly died from like going outand partying way too much and I
(15:34):
was like this just is not for meanymore.
So I had to stop that behaviorand say no gracefully to my
entire family and just saying,look, I'm not going to do this.
I'm not going to do this atcelebrations, I'm not going to
do this at Christmas.
I'm not going to do this atbirthdays.
I'm just going to have a softdrink.
And at the beginning everybodyfound that really weird, but I
(15:56):
listened to myself and I learnedto say no gracefully.
And it's also the same whengoing out with parties with
other people.
You know, can we catch a liftwith you?
Well, you can catch a lift withme, but I'm going to be driving
home early.
So if you want to catch a liftback, you got to get a taxi.
You got to say it straight.
Or, in my my case, not drinkingalcohol.
(16:18):
If you know, you're a big groupof people going out saying just
to let you know, I won't beplaying for everybody who's
drinking alcohol, because I'monly drinking water.
So communicating your needs issuper essential for your own
state of well-being.
This is just a little exampleof how I learned how to set
greater healthy boundaries in mylife and develop more
(16:41):
confidence, without feeling badabout saying this is who I am
and this is how I'm rolling.
So look into your ownexperience.
What you, what do you tolerateand what won't you tolerate?
What will you tolerate inrelationships and what won't you
tolerate?
Same in work, same in the moneythat you're making.
If you don't like the job thatyou're doing, then you've got to
learn to either find somethingreally good in it right now, so
(17:04):
that you can improve yourfrequency, or start looking for
something that's going to makeyou feel so good, because that's
where you're essentiallyspending a lot of your energy.
So you've got to use your gifts, talents and abilities in a way
that's fun and profitable, butat the same time, by keeping
your healthy boundaries up.
Is the work that you're doingactually helping people or not?
(17:27):
You know, do you like what itstands for or not?
All these things are based uponwhat you value, and if you are
overstepping the mark with yourhealthy boundaries, meaning
you're not giving to yourself,then you're going to be
challenged.
You know every relationship youhave is based upon how you feel
about yourself, and the moreclear, the more confident, the
(17:50):
more poised you are, the betteryour relationships will reflect
that.
The second area to break freefrom the cycles of people
pleasing is to build self-worthand confidence, and that comes
from your solar plexus.
This area is your power center,and you've got to be able to
learn how to say I can or Icould have that that's possible
(18:11):
for me.
And your self-talk needs to bereally positive, it needs to be
optimistic.
You've got to have like littlenotes over the house saying, yep
, that's possible for me.
When you see a car or aproperty or someone succeeding
in their life, you've got tothink to yourself that's
possible for me, I could havethat.
Because if you're not thinkingthat, then all you're thinking
(18:32):
is is I'm not good enough, andthen you default back to that
old program which you've learned, and then you need to unlearn
that and start this new program.
You've got to start these newwheels in motion and law of
attraction will give you moremomentum to that which you focus
on.
So if you're saying I couldhave that or that's possible for
me, then what?
(18:52):
You're giving yourself moremomentum in that direction.
And it takes a little timebefore that catches up, but then
after a little while you well,anything's possible and that's
why you look at athletes andthey just go.
I just believe that it waspossible for me and you need to
believe that it's possible foryou.
So have a little post-it notesaying it's possible for me.
(19:14):
Or when you see somethingbeautiful in a magazine or you
pass a property or a car thatyou thought, oh, that would be
nice.
Just say yourself yeah, that'spossible for me, I could have
that.
That develops confidence, thatself-talk and being able to look
in the world and just go.
Do you know what I could havethat if I found a way?
(19:34):
That would be amazing.
You're not asking to find theway at that moment, but you've
got to just go.
Yeah, that's possible for me,because if it's possible for
someone else, it's also possiblefor you.
One of the best ways that youcould start to build greater
self-worth and confidence that Ilove is playing the what if
game with a positive sense oh,what if I had that?
(19:54):
Or what if I went there, andwhat if this worked out?
And what if this worked out.
That type of game is allowingthe mind to really imagine
what's possible without anyresistance, and it really helps
break free from people pleasing,because you're looking at
what's possible for you, andthat develops great confidence
(20:17):
and also celebrating yoursuccesses daily.
So at the end of the day, youmay have a gratitude journal,
but do you have a daily winsjournal?
And I have a daily wins whereI'm like, yeah, I was
celebrating this win today andthis win today and this win
today.
So I think about three types ofgood wins I've had through the
day.
Maybe it's receiving a newclient referral, or maybe it's
(20:42):
some content I put out that I'mreally proud of, or some money
I've made.
Whatever it's, whatever mysuccesses are, I always write
down a daily wins list.
This starts to again compoundyour good feeling inside of your
body and build self-worth andconfidence.
The next thing to build moreself-esteem is joining classes
(21:03):
and gym groups and social groups.
It's so important that you hangaround the right people because
by osmosis, you're going topick up that energy too.
So being in gym classes or yogaclasses and you feel like
you're in a community.
This is going to build yourself-worth and confidence, and
at the beginning you might bepretty rubbish at going to a gym
class or whatever, but stickwith it, because everybody is
(21:26):
climbing their own mountain andwhen you commit to a project and
actually see it through, thatalso builds confidence as well.
So, whatever you're going to do, if you haven't finished
something that you've started,try and finish it, because that
actually creates a confidencewith inside your mind saying I
can start something and I canfinish it, because starting
(21:49):
something is easy but finishingsomething is particularly hard
and if you ever run a marathon,you'll recognize that.
It's easy to run the first 13,but as soon as you get to about
the 18 mile mark you're out ofgas and it requires six more
miles of intense mental pressurefor you to actually want to
finish.
So whatever project you've gotgoing on, when you see it
(22:09):
through, the greatest thing thatyou're going to learn on the
way is the confidence to be ableto start and finish.
Also, another way to buildself-worth and confidence is
just by the way that you standin your physiology.
Tony robbins talks about it,but in more detail, amy cuddy
talks about it in a tedx talk,which is like standing in the
wonder woman pose or thesuperhero pose.
(22:31):
They've scientifically proventhat just putting your hands on
your hips for two minuteschanges the testosterone levels
inside of your body, which givesyou more confidence.
That physiology transfers intothe body.
The more open your body, themore confident you are.
The more closed your body, theless confident you are.
So just look, how can you openyour body?
(22:53):
How can you stand tall?
How can you stand with yourchest out just a little bit more
like in a military pose?
That one millimeter of changingthat chest can open the heart
valve, making you appear moreconfident, even if you didn't
feel it just in that moment.
Now the next thing to break freefrom the people pleasing cycle
is to develop mindfulness.
For me, my therapy wasmeditation.
(23:17):
Learning how to silence my mindevery single day for like way
over 20 years now has beenabsolute heaven for me to be
able to see thoughts, behaviors,patterns and things that have
helped me back that I wasn'teven aware of.
And whilst we have things likepodcasts here of what I'm
sharing, of how you can breakfree from the patterns, sitting
(23:39):
still and recognizing your ownpatterns in the silence is
incredibly powerful for you.
And then, as you're sitting inthe silence, you'll notice that
your behaviors are eitherserving you or not serving you,
and that becomes a reallywonderful indicator and I love
this like analogy of what I callmeditation.
Meditation is basically likedownloading what you need to
(24:00):
know from a stream ofconsciousness that sort of gets
unfolded throughout your day,and you downloaded some new
information that you don't getto see until something shows up
during the day and you'll belike, how about that?
Oh, I see clearly now on thistopic in my life, or I see
clearly about how to respond inthis relationship in my life.
(24:22):
Or I can see why that's life,or I can see why that's working
and I can see why that's notworking.
And I can see where I need tovalue myself more and I can see
where I haven't been valuingmyself enough.
And that's what meditation canoffer you.
It's so profoundly helpful andhas helped me eliminate so many
bad habits that I had, which,quite frankly, have saved my
(24:44):
life and made my lifesignificantly better.
And also looking at yourselfhaving a journal where you're
focusing on your positiveaspects of yourself, is going to
vastly improve the quality ofyour relationship with yourself
and people.
Pleasing only is reallyhappening is because you're not
valuing yourself.
And when you're looking at thebest in yourself, your strengths
(25:06):
enhance.
But when you're looking at theworst in yourself, then that too
will enhance, because law ofattraction just gives you more
of what you focus on.
So focus on your strengths, andif you have weaknesses, fine,
but give more attention to yourstrengths and notice how much
more they'll become prevalent inyour experience.
(25:27):
And when you're looking atother people, look at other
people's positive aspects aswell.
It's not always going to beeasy, but what you focus on is
what you're going to get more of.
So focus on the good in you andin other people too, and you'll
notice that you won't have theneed to constantly people please
, because you'll be filled upfrom within side of yourself.
(25:47):
First, meditation fills you up.
Exercise fills you up.
Taking care of your physicalform and your body through
nutrition fills you up.
Positive self-talk fills you up.
Being around good people whoare fun and uplifting fills you
up.
Being in nature fills you up.
And any time that you're tryingto overexert yourself to get
(26:09):
validation from the externalworld, just stop and pause.
You're saying is this actuallyhelping me or not?
Is this taking me where I wantto go or not?
Am I trying to get validationfrom somebody to feel loved or
not?
And sometimes we're looking forvalidation from people on
social media.
I need them to like me so thatI feel special.
(26:30):
I feel loved by them.
What you really need is to feelloved and special by yourself.
And then, when you do andyou're not bothered about what
happens on the external world,then usually what happens?
The magnets change and peoplecome to you.
Don't chase attract, and youattract by filling up your own
cup by filling yourself up withthese beautiful well-being
(26:53):
habits and strategies andrecognizing that you're always
enough.
And if you find that difficultto say that you're enough, just
say well, why am I enough?
And that question starts tochange the train of thinking and
the train of emotion going oninside of your body.
And to conclude with this isall a journey.
Learning to be completely atone and at peace with yourself
(27:17):
and knowing you're enough is ajourney.
You're not going to get it rightevery day, so be gentle with
yourself.
You know this requires a greatdeal of self-awareness and
commitment and practice, butyou're worth it.
You're worth showing up foryourself and prioritize your own
needs first and your own energyfirst, so that you're filled up
, rather than depleting yourenergy trying to please other
(27:40):
people, to get validation, whichyou're never really going to
get.
Fill yourself up, follow yourheart and do what brings you joy
.
And when you fill yourself up,you will be naturally validated
by the external world, becauseyou're not needing the
validation, because you'realready validating yourself by
the good feelings that you have.
If that's the only message youtake from this whole episode,
(28:03):
let it be that one.
But most of all, be gentle withyourself along the way, because
being gentle with yourself andnot criticizing yourself for for
not being further ahead thanyou think you should be right
now is basically, like you know,shooting yourself in the foot.
There's no need for that.
You are your own mountain, youtake it at your own pace, but
(28:24):
recognize that you're beautiful,you're strong enough, you're
good enough, just as you areright now, and you're work in
progress, and life is just goingto get a lot better.
From this beautiful stance andway of being.
I just wanted to say thank youfor all the people that support
the show, all the people thatsubscribe, the people that
support the show, all the peoplethat subscribe.
I love you all.
I could not do this without you.
(28:45):
Thank you for being in my life.
I so appreciate sharing thiscontent with you.
You guys are amazing.
I hope you've enjoyed thisepisode and, until the next
episode, I wish you a wonderfulweek ahead and green lights all
the way.
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