December 16, 2024 • 41 mins
What if setting boundaries could transform your relationships and bring you greater fulfillment? Join us as we revisit a cherished conversation about the essential art of saying no and prioritizing self-respect, especially during the chaotic holiday season. This episode is all about embracing authenticity and the personal growth that comes from standing firm in your identity. We discuss why it's important to model healthy dynamics for our children while finding a tribe that resonates with our true selves. Say goodbye to people-pleasing and hello to a more meaningful social life.
Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey folks, it's Sarah Stevens with the Lylas podcast,
and we decided to do anotherre-release, but not this time
for the summer, but for thewinter, because, let's be honest
, our schedules, our lives, havegotten a little chaotic lately
and it's been challenging for usto kind of meet up.
So we're taking accountabilityfor that, but also wanted to
provide you with what we thinkis one of our favorite episodes
(00:22):
so far of season four.
I said what I said.
Why did we choose this one?
Because at this point in time,we are all in the crust of the
holiday season, we are feelingpulled in thousands of different
directions and we probably justneeded to hear this episode
ourselves.
Let's be frank we are talkingabout the need for us to have
healthy boundaries, to modelappropriate no's and to not
(00:47):
engage in relationships oractivities that we feel are
obligatory.
Remember, if you feel obligatedto participate in something,
you probably should not beparticipating in it because it's
not going to be fun, it's notgoing to be worth it and you're
not going to feel better bydoing it.
So what is the point?
We all need to stop.
Homegirl needs to stop, jenneeds to stop, and so we're
(01:09):
taking a revisit to this one.
We hope that you enjoy it.
We really want you guys toleave us some reviews on
whatever platform you listen topodcasts, to send the show an
actual text.
We will send you some swag.
If you would like some Lilaswag free for the season, please
comment like send us a topicthat you want to hear us talk
(01:31):
about.
Anything we want to connectwith you so that way we can
continue to roll on with seasonfour and get some huge planning
in as we come into season five.
So enjoy this one, because youknow what I said.
What I said, Welcome to Lylas.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
If you grew up in the 80s and 90s, you probably know
what LILA stands for and, bydefault, this podcast is for you
.
Hey, hey, welcome again toseason four, so excited Episode
two I know Back at it, soexcited to be back and in the
groove of recording and justchatting.
It is so good for my mentalhealth.
(02:21):
It really is.
I missed us this summer.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Me too.
Me too it's a fun.
It's just so fun because wefind ourselves still separated
by distance but in the sameplace in life sometimes, or
we're just both like oh my gosh,and I just think it's nice to
kind of have that connection andpeace and grounding and fun and
laughs and support.
(02:45):
So, hopefully that's what youguys all get from listening to
us too.
Is that you feel theinterconnectedness between all
of us at this point?
Speaker 2 (02:55):
That's right.
We all feel connected.
I just sent a a Lylas carepackage.
Just about right before we hitrecord, I dropped one off at the
post office to a loyal listener.
So we are so grateful foreveryone that takes their time
to.
You know, give us a listen, alike, a share, a follow all the
things that really means a lotto us.
(03:16):
And if you are a loyal listener, we would love for you to leave
us a review, on whateverplatform of your choosing, that
you listen to us.
So if you want to give back tothe Lylas podcast, that's the
best way that you can do that.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Absolutely.
And then we'll give you someswag.
We'll send you some.
A Lylas love pack Is that whatyou called it?
That was awesome.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Yeah Well, lylas, love pack coming your way.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Well, I love her topic today.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
I do too.
It was sort of vague, but whenwe first signed on to talk about
it.
But now I'm like, but we canreally, this can really go into
multiple topics.
Honestly, it's just a startingpoint, yeah, and it's pretty
spicy, so I like it a bunch.
You're spicy, you're going tomake it spicy.
That's what's about to happen.
When we titled this, we calledit, I said what I said, which is
, you know, not exactly superclear on what we're going to
(04:09):
talk about today.
But essentially, we werediscussing this idea of how now,
at the ripe age of 42, we justwe don't, we're no longer
willing to make ourselvessmaller, to fit in or to adjust
our ourselves in order to fitinto a crowd or to be friends
with people, and so we wanted toexpand on this.
(04:31):
But I mean, we obviously hadsome personal experiences and we
were chatting about that.
But what does that mean?
To sort of make yourselfsmaller or to be less of
yourself in order to fit in?
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Well, and then also from doing that, how damaging is
that for yourself.
You know how much does thattake away from your experience
of the moment, your happiness inthat moment, and then that
energy that is being justdrained from you is then being
permeated out into everybodythat's around you.
And on the other side of that,or even extending farther from
(05:11):
that, you're also modeling thatfor your kids, and I think that
that's a that's a thing that's akind of a sticking point for me
recently is I don't want tomodel what I have found to be
unhealthy relationships or justrelationships I don't want to be
in.
Why am I going to model thatand then tell my kid to go off
and do it just because, or justto kind of again fit in, or to,
(05:37):
um, not to be looked at as mean?
You're not being mean.
If you know who your tribe is,you just stick with them.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
you know You're not being mean, if you know who your
tribe is, you just stick withthem.
You know, yeah, and we talkedabout this a little bit in the
people pleasing episode that wedid last season about how you
know we've sort of evolved fromour younger selves and we're no
longer trying to people please.
It's like, and you know it'ssomething you have to work out
when you've spent most of yourlife people pleasing.
To overcome that is prettychallenging at times and it's
(06:06):
going to take work right To undoyears of practicing a behavior.
But when I think about thiswhole idea, you know there has
been, for at least in our lives,a tremendous amount of loss in
the last year and people, a lotof people, are age and I think
for me it has brought to thesurface of this life is very
fucking short and I just can'thandle wasting time anymore.
(06:30):
I can't handle sitting in aconversation that makes my skin
crawl or pretending that I noteven pretending that I agree
with people, but just trying tobe like socially accepted or I
just I don't have the patiencefor it anymore and I think part
of it comes from, you know,obviously losing a close friend
(06:52):
this year and and and seeing youknow having to face that, that
very real reality of you knowour time on earth is short and
you better spend it in the mostmeaningful way possible, and I
think that's where I come fromwhen I say I'm no longer willing
to pretend or to give life to arelationship or even a
(07:18):
conversation that I don't wantto be in.
I just I.
You know it's like I can'twaste my time.
It's too precious and there'stoo many other people that mean
so much to me that I need to beinvesting that time and energy
and effort into yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
No, I couldn't have said that better.
That's absolutely true, andsometimes our perspective does
come from great loss.
You know, it just reallycreates like a shift within
ourselves that we're then ableto just realize like this these
relationships or theseactivities or this energy is,
does my husband always say whenI'm like scrolling social media.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
I forget how he says it In your echo chamber?
Oh, he's like are you in yourecho chamber?
And I think sometimes you haveto be a little careful, right,
we don't want to.
Sure, you want to be friendswith people you have things in
common with, but it's also goodto have some challenges, people
that are, yes, butters, yes, buthave you thought of it this way
(08:27):
?
Or give you a differentperspective.
You know you don't want to allbe chirping the same song and
dance and be like carbon copiesof each other At least, that's
kind of not my ideal friendshipgroup.
But I do think it's important toknow, like, if someone's just
not your cup of tea, like that'sokay, and that you don't have
to force yourself into arelationship or a conversation
(08:52):
with that person because societyexpects you to, for whatever
reason, whether it's like yourkid's best friend's mom I'm just
going to throw out an example.
I personally love my kid'sfriends.
So, not speaking personally inthat, but but, like you know,
some people definitely feel thatway.
Well, it's like, oh, it's mykid's best friend Like gotta be,
(09:13):
gotta be front, or you know, atleast cordial.
And yeah, I think you do haveto be cordial and maintain some
type of relationship if your kidis spending a decent amount of
time at their house, but youdon't have to be friends with
that person, right?
There's a difference and youget to choose what level of
friendship, if you will, or whatlevel of effort that you give
(09:34):
that person.
And that's just a randomexample.
I'm sure we can think of others.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
I think that's perfect, though, and I think
that we often find ourselves inthat situation, like if our kids
are involved in sports, if ourhusband has a social group.
You know what I mean.
There's people all around you,and the people that you are
connected to also have peopleconnected to them, and so at
that point, it almost seems like, you know, some relationships
(10:04):
then become almost obligatory,instead of from a genuine place
where they can be challenging,they can be different, and I
think you're right, not havingan echo chamber is a great thing
, I think, is just really beingmy genuine self, and
(10:27):
unapologetically so, but notbeing rude or forceful or, you
know, mean or condescendingabout it.
It's just whenever you arebeing your authentic self, I
just think you're happier, Ithink that your relationships
are more meaningful, theconversations are brighter, you
(10:48):
know, or more varied, and, again, I'm just for me so much energy
and I keep going back to thatword, I guess, because it's what
comes to mind whenever I thinkabout my experiences and being
around people just gets, andit's hard for my energy level to
get sucked away, because it isalways like at one, 10.
(11:09):
So if I noticed that a drain ishappening, even if it's like
five.
It's probably amplified becauseI'm used to being so high, with
it amped up, um and so wheneverI feel that it's just like an
automatic thing, thatphysiologically it just doesn't
feel good, like it doesn't feelgood, and then I know that I'm
not living within my true,authentic self, I'm not living
(11:33):
kind of, you know, aligned, andthat whenever that chasm or
fracture starts to take place,it's really hard then to manage
it and keep it from slipping inother places too.
And for me that's just what I'mstarting to kind of like
(11:55):
recognize or become more awareof of myself.
Whenever I find myself in thosesituations, it just causes a
fracture that then, if I'm notcareful, you know, I can start
to then rub other people thewrong way or it's hard to kind
of, you know, dust those typesof things off whenever you find
yourselves in those situations.
And I feel like you know again,not that we're trying to
necessarily be people pleasersor whatever else, but whenever
(12:18):
relationships feel obligatory, Ijust don't know that they're, I
don't know that they're healthy.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yeah, I think that's a great point I hadn't thought
about, like the friend's spouseor the friend you know, like
that.
I can definitely see how thosesituations conjure up this
forced relationship, especiallyif it's like your spouse's best
friend's spouse Sure you know,like what are you expected to do
?
They're going to want to doubledate, they're going to want to
(12:44):
hang out your kids are probablyfriends, all the things and
let's say like you just don'thave anything in common with
that other spouse.
That leads to a really trickyand uncomfortable situation.
And I can think of othersituations I've been in where
I've been around somebody thatjust wasn't giving me the same
energy that I felt like I wasgiving them.
(13:11):
Have you been in thoseconversations where you're like
you're giving me nothing.
I am holding the conversation.
I am clearly the only one hereinterested in having a
conversation and you know thoseare really tough because you're
giving so much energy.
You're almost exhausted at theend of it, because you're like I
ran out of questions, like Ican't think of anything else to
keep it going, you know, but youfeel this need to look like
you're having a good time or topresent as though you get along
(13:35):
and that you're interested inthe person and you might very
well have some interest, butit's just it requires like a
different level of energy.
You know, when I'm with you orone of my other besties, it's
like there's a lot of energy inthe moment, but I leave, you
know, filled up with energy fromthose experiences, not drained
(13:57):
to like, wow, that took a lot ofwork, which is interesting
because it's still a lot ofenergy.
Right, you're excited, you know, and like you can still get
tired from that, but I don't.
I tend to leave thosesituations feeling like amped up
, like you are, on a regularbasis.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Right, well, and I, but I think it takes that that
moment of kind of just likeinsight and self-awareness,
because I know that sometimes wecan all fall down a rabbit hole
Like what's wrong with me inthat moment?
You know, why am I not feelingthe same vibes as these people
or this group, or what's wrongwith me that I'm not like kind
of fitting in, especially if wehave that kind of predisposition
(14:35):
to thinking that way.
Or, you know, this might causea fight if I'm not friends or
getting along with this person,my kid may not get picked for
the team if I don't buddy upwith you know so-and-so or
whatever else, and just thatwhole rabbit hole of stuff just
really, really I think has agreater impact than sometimes
(14:56):
what we're willing to, even, ormaybe capable in those moments
to kind of recognize.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
And that's the circumstance, like because that
happens, like your kid may notget picked if you're not, but
like that team.
Or are we like no enough'senough, like I want my kid to
(15:31):
experience you know, the thingsthat they want to do, but at the
same time, not at the detrimentof me putting myself in these
forced relationships, right?
Speaker 1 (15:41):
Right, Because again they're going to pick up on that
and then see a false side ofyou, and then that can be
confusing to your child at thatpoint too.
You know, like mom, I noticedthat you didn't like so-and-so,
but you're still talking to her,you know, and that's confusion
whenever a kid expressessomething like that, and
rightfully so, because you'reprobably sitting back there.
Well, you know what?
You're kind of right about thisI don't know what the hell I'm
(16:01):
doing and then we make upexcuses for it.
And whenever we have to make upan excuse for our or somebody
else's behavior, it's probablynot something we should be doing
, Right?
I mean, that's just kind ofwhere I.
I mean, again, I do I fall inthis trap, yes, but I think that
I'm trying to step back awayfrom it as much as what I can.
Again, not wishing any ill willor really even any negativity
(16:26):
towards that person, it's just,you know, some people like to
drink soda or pop.
You know, I never have.
You know, there's a wholevariety of other drinks I like.
Maybe other people like thesedrinks.
It's okay to just acknowledgethat.
You're just not that person'sperson.
(16:46):
I just wish we could get to thatpoint and there's been a few
relationships that I've had withpeople that we both just
acknowledged in that moment,Like look, I.
And then they've not even beencontentious whenever we said
this, even though it might soundlike it.
Like, look, I really don't likeyou.
Our personalities crash way toomuch, it's always turns out to
just be absolute hell on both ofour sides.
(17:08):
So this whole thing where wesee each other and feel like we
need to talk is just not okay.
It's not okay for me, it's notokay from you, it's not okay for
us and anybody else we'rearound.
So can we just acknowledge thatif we see each other, then it's
just another human being inthis world that maybe we don't
know, don't know or don't care,and we don't even have to like
kind of engage in that.
(17:29):
And that has been the bestthing ever to have a few people
in my life where I was just likeyou know what.
We're not okay and that's okayfor us not to be okay.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
Yeah, it's so uncomfortable and I think that's
why people don't want to enterinto that space.
But you're like it's souncomfortable to be on the other
side of that when you reallydon't want to be engaging.
I'm going to give a verypersonal example and I try not
to do this because you know Idon't want to get on here and
ever speak ill of anyone.
(18:00):
But I want to give a veryspecific example.
There is a child that my son isfriends with now and a parent
had reached out to me and saidhey, I would like for our kids
to be friends with.
Is this something you know?
Could we get them together?
And it kind of caught me offguard because I'm thinking to
(18:20):
myself okay, I've known, likewe've been in the area community
for the last several years,last three years.
I said hi to you on severaloccasions, smiled at you when
I've seen you, and you give meno feedback, you don't smile
back, you don't say hello back,and now, all of a sudden, you
are reaching out to me onmultiple ways to get our kids
(18:45):
together to be friends and itjust sort of like it just sort
of rubbed me the wrong way, ifI'm being honest.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
I'm like okay.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
so like you've never said hello or even acted like
you had any interest in me or myfamily, and now you are like
breathing down my throat to tryto get our kids to hang out
together.
It just caught me.
A caught me off guard and B, Iwas like you know, like no.
Part of me was like no, I don'tknow, not that the examples I
(19:15):
want get around, like no, and soI just didn't reach out and had
no plans to and I was like,well, you know, I think you
should like at least text.
And I'm like no, like why.
Why do I?
Why is it now my responsibilityto take this on?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
You know, I got an.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
F for this.
I don't want it, you know.
And so, lo and behold, you know, our kids are in the same class
this year and so it was superawkward when they walked in and
meet the teacher because I hadnot responded.
I just like, oh, do you feelbad?
My husband just like, do youfeel bad?
I'm like I don't.
I don't understand why.
(19:54):
You know, maybe I should haveresponded, at least like given a
response, like hey, we're busyor whatever.
But even that, it just kind oflike why did I feel like I had
to appease somebody else with aresponse?
Right, you know, I didn't get aresponse all those times I
tried to have a conversationwith you before.
Why do I have to respond?
And that seems petty and low,but like part of me was just
(20:17):
pissed that I was even having tolike think about it and use any
kind of like energy towards thesituation.
Um, so anyway, it has sinceevolved and my husband and um
that child's father, you knowchatted and our kids have hung
out a couple of times, and Istill don't have like the
greatest feelings, like I can'tput my finger on it, but I don't
(20:39):
love it, um, letting it happen,because I'm trying to control
less and you know, let my kidslearn, you know through their
own experiences and not controlwhere I put them in a bubble and
we try really hard at makingsure that they know how to keep
themselves safe and and you knowthat we're always here and I
(21:02):
try to be, you know, asprotective as I can to an extent
while also giving them somefree reign to like, experience
life and make their owndecisions.
Right, it's hard, though I'mgoing to be honest with you.
Like that was a, that wholesituation for me is still really
hard in some ways.
I just don't love it and Ican't put my finger on it and,
(21:25):
um, yeah, I don't know.
So that's, I guess, sort of oneof those like uncomfortable
situations.
I'm just not willing to putmyself in, I'm not doing it, and
I told my husband I'm like doyou want to take that on?
You want to be the go betweensetting up play dates and stuff?
That's on you, bob, right, it'sall you.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
And I think that that's a.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
I was not to respond.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Yeah, and I think that that's a fine compromise,
you know, and I think wheneveryou have a gut feeling like that
, we don't want to diminish it,especially if it lingers, like I
just feel like that that's areally important thing, like
that's a, that's somethingwithin us that's telling us that
, like it's our intuition,something it ain't right.
(22:11):
We may not know what it is, butwe're still not going to, we're
going to keep our eye on it.
But, as a compromise, to havethem then be the manager of the
relationship, I think is a greatone, you know, and that does
work, especially if it's like akid or like a work relationship,
like it's just really clear toto just express those things,
even if it is with your partner.
I know that my um, my husband,doesn't, uh, like the some of
the communities that I guess I'ma part of, they're just not his
(22:33):
cup of tea, and so it's hardfor him to kind of relate to
those people or to haverelationships with them, and
that's fine, but I know that.
So whenever he comes into thosesettings or situations, then I
know that he's not mad at me, hejust isn't.
This isn't his thing, and Ithink that having that kind of
conversation with your partnerahead of time and then finding
out how you reach you're goingto kind of work through it
(22:54):
together can be super helpful.
Um, and I do the same back withhim.
I'll tell him.
I'll be like, look like I'mjust I don't have a poker face,
like that's a good or a badthing, it just kind of is what
it is.
And if I just don't like you,then the depth of my
conversation with you isprobably it's not don't like you
, it's just that we just don'thave ground, there's not a
(23:16):
ground that we can stand on andhave that kind of any ounce of
fluidity with.
Yeah, and also it's draining,it just absolutely takes the
literal life out of me.
Then you are just going to haveto manage this.
I'll be polite and say hello,but I'm not going to make plans
with this.
(23:36):
You know what I mean.
I'm not going to extend furtherthan any realm of just seeing
somebody and waving hi at them,Like I think that that's good
enough.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
But what if it's a relationship that you can't
necessarily avoid?
What if it's like an in-law, ohyeah, or you know?
I mean, I think in-laws areprobably the best example of
that, because it's a new personas an adult coming into your
(24:07):
family, and I know lots offamilies that have a lot of
strife between in-laws, um andso what if it's those types of
situations where you can'tnecessarily, you know you, on
some level you have to have arelationship, um, at least again
like being cordial when you seeeach other.
But how do you navigate thosesituations?
Speaker 1 (24:31):
And I think we can take parts of it and they still
have to coordinate things.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Right, it's your family.
You coordinate it, but I can'ttalk to them again.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
No, but I think it means that you can like set up
distance and space, so that wayit doesn't have to interfere,
you know.
And again, I think that comesdown to having an honest
conversation, you know, kind ofbetween you, your partner,
whatever's kind of going on atthat moment, and then just being
like, look, I just really havea very hard time and so I might
spend more time in the kitchen,I might spend more time distance
(25:02):
, I might not want to go off anddo all of these other things,
like I just find ways to createspace, ways to create space for
yourself in those situations.
So that way, again, it doesn'thave to ruin everybody, your
experience or anybody else's asa result of it.
And then, if it really is acontentious thing, I don't think
there's.
Again, this is me, though Idon't think there's anything
(25:24):
wrong with not engaging insomebody that you have that kind
of relationship with, becauseat that point it changes from
being unhealthy to almosthostile, you know, or it starts
to change in its severity, and Idon't hear who you are at that
point.
If that ounce of negativity iscoming into a zone, then you're
(25:45):
not allowed in this zone.
Negativity is coming into azone, then you're not allowed in
this zone or I'm going toremove myself from it until the
situation has dissipated,because it's just not worth it,
and I think that that's fine too.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
And I want to be clear that this isn't about,
like conflict resolution.
If this is someone you have arelationship with and you're in
conflict, like I, am all forconflict resolution and trying
to resolve the issue.
This is for the people you havenever been able to build a
connection with that you havemaybe put the effort in, but
like it's just not working, likeit's just not happening, and
(26:17):
we've all experienced that.
I mean, like I tried and likeit, just you know it, just we
just don't have a lot in commonis what a lot of people will say
we don't, we just don't haveanything to talk about, which is
true, or maybe you just don'thave anything to connect on, you
just really don't have thatconnection, and that's okay not
to force it.
But I love what you said abouthow you just sort of create
(26:37):
space, because I think you cando that right.
You could go get your ownlittle dopamine hit, like maybe
you, you know, steal away for 10minutes and meditate just
enough so that you can come backsuper centered, pleasant and,
like I said, at least be cordialand be you know, make things
uncomfortable.
You can still have fun withsomebody that you don't 100%
(26:59):
jive with, Right If you createthat space that you need and
that's being aware of your needsand how to give yourself a
dopamine hit when you need it,and I don't mean, like you know,
chug a beer, I mean, like, gofor a 10 minute walk in the
sunlight, whatever, whatever youknow positive dopamine hits you
(27:20):
get, having those like ready togo so that you can hopefully,
um, bring some type of peace toa situation, yeah, I'm just all
about creating that space, likeI can find 10,000 different
things to do within a tiny spacethat will distract my mind,
which will distract my emotions,my reactions, everything away
(27:42):
from whatever is just kind ofemanating at that point.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
So, even if it's people over at our house and
that's kind of the situation,yeah, I mean, I'll find room in
a closet to do something, youknow, I will find something to
do um, to give me that breathand to give that kind of space
with it.
Yeah, yeah, and I think thatthat's just it.
And some people are like well,maybe you just got to keep going
(28:07):
back to the well in order totry to find something honey.
At some point all the welldries up, okay, and you keep
digging in a well that thereain't no spring coming to it
anymore.
It ain't going to make anythinghappen, and so at that point,
it's healthy to quit, it'shealthy to not.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Right.
Why do you have to keep tryingif it's not working?
Why would we keep trying?
That seems insane.
Especially, keep doing the samething over and over again.
You're like it's not working,like it's just not meant to be,
so let it go.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
You know that boundary and let that shit go
Right right and again, you cando it with kindness and love in
your heart, and it will beself-respect that you give
yourself back by being able todo that.
You know you're not taking awayanything from yourself by
putting down boundaries withother people.
(29:00):
In fact, you're giving yourselfa big hug at the moment and
then showing others that it'sokay to to, and I, I mean I
would hope, pray to God, thatpeople do that in response to me
too.
I mean I would hope, pray toGod, that people do that in
response to me too.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Again, you know, like you're not my cup of tea, right
, you know, and like that's okay, right, let me, because I will
move on to my people, you know,or at least give my energy to
the people who I am their cup oftea.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
Yeah, it's just again coming back, being aware of
those internal signs wheneverwe're getting them and, I think,
leaning into being our mostgenuine representation of who we
are.
And as long as we're doing that, I don't think any wrong comes
out of it, because none of usare trying to hurt anybody.
None of us are trying to bemean.
(29:49):
None of us are trying to doanything like that.
None of us are trying to hurtanybody.
None of us are trying to bemean.
None of us are trying to doanything like that.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
We're just trying to live within our own space
healthily, so Right, and likewhat makes us feel good on the
inside?
And we are evolving creatures.
We weren't the same people wewere 10 years ago, 20 years ago,
five minutes ago, Like wechange moment to moment on
cellular level, but also justour personnel, everything, our
experiences.
We're constantly changing, andso to expect somebody to stay
(30:23):
the same, you know, even you'relike, well, you were interested
in that 10 years ago.
Well, yeah, but now I'm not,and you know I don't fully align
with that school of thought orwhatever it is it's.
You know, sometimes I think it'sjust knowing who you are now,
what's important to you, and andif it's not, that's okay too.
And it kind of sounds likewe're a little bitchy when I
like, when I listened to us, I'mlike we're just like fuck you,
(30:45):
but that's not.
I don't want it to come offthat way, because that's truly
not what we're trying to say.
It's really more about takingcare of you, and I, you know, I
think that's so important is toknow what it is that you want,
what makes you happy, what fillsyou up, who are those people
that do those things and thepeople that don't.
(31:08):
That's okay too.
So walk away from that.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
Yes, a hundred percent.
Those, it's those relationshipsthat feel obligatory, is what
always is like a warning signfor me, like if I'm feeling like
I have to do something withthis person, that is probably a
warning sign that I have to isnot a requirement for life.
You know what I mean In thissituation.
(31:31):
A requirement for life, youknow what I mean.
Um, in this situation, it'seither I want to or I'm going to
.
To feel like I have to dosomething already has a negative
associated with it, and thenyour energy drain is just
starting from that moment on andit will continue even after
that person is left, becauseit's a lot harder to plug that
thing back up after it's beenletting things out for a bit.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
It's a lot harder to plug that thing back up after
it's been letting things out fora bit and so yeah, so if you
found yourself in this type ofsituation, try it one time.
Just try not engaging or try,like Sarah said, finding ways to
create space, whether that'slike, hey, I'm going to be in
the kitchen all night, so I'mnot going to be out here to chat
(32:16):
at the dinner party or wherever, whatever you're doing.
But just try it and see if youdon't notice a difference in
your energy from previousexperiences to that experience,
Because I know that I sort of,in just the way that I have been
being more cognizant of thisand trialing this in certain
situations, I do notice a bigdifference.
I am not pissy you know cause Ialways get pissed when I put in
(32:39):
a lot of effort and the otherperson isn't reciprocating, Like
you're not even trying, Likewhy am I trying?
You're not even trying, and soif that's the case, you know
you're you're automaticallycutting down on, like your own
negativity and and all thethings we talk about that come
with that.
You know all of the impact thatthat has, and so just letting
(33:01):
go of that and so trial that,and then I would love to hear
any feedback if you do say fuckit.
I said what I said And'm youknow, just gonna.
I'm gonna do me for once andgive myself some space and not
force myself into thisuncomfortable situation.
Right right, I'm just gonnaroll with the boys.
(33:22):
Here we are, see what happensit's all like one big science
project.
Right, we're all just trialingthings, seeing what works and
what doesn't, and then try thenext thing it's all a big social
biological experiment rightthat has factors of relationship
and environmental thrown inthere.
(33:42):
So it's very fun you have right,like sometimes you have to have
some sort of interaction withpeople that you don't
necessarily want to, and how doyou protect yourself but also
get done what needs to be doneright I think right, right, and
then recenter yourselfafterwards like what do you do
from a self-care, relationalkind of standpoint, in order to
(34:05):
kind of reset after?
something like that for sure wetalk a lot about these types of
relationships, I feel like onthis podcast, but clearly it's
something that comes up for usboth a lot or we wouldn't talk
about it so much and I just go.
I mean, I don't know if it'sjust again like the fact we're
in our 40s and we just we don'thave the energy to pretend
(34:27):
anymore or to we just don't carewhat people think anymore.
I think is probably part of it,but it just seems to be like a
recurring theme for us when wewalk and what's going on with
you, like come back to, like Idon't know.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
I had this conversation, I don't want to,
or I have this situation, youknow you know, I bet, though, if
we actually I don't know thatanybody ever truly grows up.
I bet, if we look back at thoseold notes we used to pass back
and forth well, I don't knowthat many of these conversations
have changed too much in termsof like the like, um, true
(35:05):
content.
You know, it's still the samething.
We've just kind of changed thesituation a bit.
There's other factors.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Yeah, it's a different context, it's true,
and I, you know, we talk aboutlike our kids.
I say to my kids all the timeyou don't have to be with
everybody and everybody doesn'thave to be friends with you.
We're not friends witheverybody in our class.
We're friends with the peoplethat we get along with and we
have things in common with Right, people that make us feel good
(35:31):
about ourselves and, in turn,people we want to spend time
with.
You know, that's a friend.
We talk a lot about what's thedifference between a friend and
a peer?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, because I don'tknow.
I don't want to confuse them.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
Great example.
Why don't we do that now?
Great example?
Why are we not saying Greatexample?
Speaker 2 (35:49):
Why are we not saying as adults, why are we not
saying what's the differencebetween a friend and a peer?
That is beautiful.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
And we should be.
That's another thing we shouldbe saying as adults, you know,
because most of these peoplethat I'm referencing are peers.
They're not friends.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
And that's fine.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
Yeah, or even just calling people.
I mean, I mean, let's get goodon a rabbit hole here, but like
calling people what they are,like sometimes they're just your
coworker, they're not yourfriend, and sometimes they are
your friend and your coworker,sometimes they're just your co.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
Right.
Sometimes they're your friend'sbest friend's parent.
You know what I mean.
They're those people.
That's just because thatcalling relationships what they
are, instead of assigning aaffectionate title to them, is
probably important.
No, that helps create distanceand space too.
The words that we use createdistance and space just as much
(36:42):
as our bodies does do so ah,such a good point, being clear
on the relationships in our lifeyeah, gosh big takeaways today,
for ourselves too, huh I know,I know.
Speaker 2 (36:57):
I think it just reiterates that it's okay to
stick to your uh what's the wordI'm looking for?
Like your internal yourintuition.
Yeah, your intuition, like it'sokay.
Like you know, your intuitionwill not mislead you and there's
(37:18):
a pretty good chance, ifsomething doesn't feel right,
that it's just you know it's notright don't force it.
No, no, people may not feel theneed to force that.
Maybe we're the only people thatfind ourselves in these
situations I don't know, I justknow that every time we're on
here we're like what's going onwith you?
I'm like let me tell you someshit, right you know well, guess
(37:39):
what?
Speaker 1 (37:40):
yeah, so yes, I totally agree.
You're out there with us.
Speaker 2 (37:45):
Let us know when you're spending less energy on
things you don't want to bespending your energy on that
aren't necessary things in life.
You have so much more energyfor the things that you do.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:59):
And that is like my sole purpose right now Right,
right.
Speaker 1 (38:03):
You can show up better for the things that
matter whenever you're notshowing up for those that don't.
You know, I mean, that's just,that's what it is.
So I take those noticing steps.
You know about ourselves, ourrelationships, and again, I
don't.
(38:23):
For me, I don't care what therelationship is, it's just you
need to.
It needs to be healthy ornon-existent.
You know, if it comes to that,well, or just create a lot of
space, but from a physicalstandpoint we wouldn't stand.
I mean, people aren't allowedto be inside like the reactor
zone of Chernobyl.
Still that thing happened, like30 years ago.
(38:44):
You know we do this to protectour physical health.
You know our emotional,relational, social health is not
different.
It's interconnected and notallowing ourselves to put
ourselves in those types ofsituations is equally as
important as what we would do wewouldn't put our kid out, I
(39:05):
don't know, in a minefield to goplay around then Right?
So you know, that's me in a ptomeeting roughly so can't go
there.
Speaker 2 (39:17):
You're on a pto, definitely me in a pto meeting.
Speaker 1 (39:19):
God bless you.
Yeah, not happening so and notmaking excuses for it just not
happening, folks, is what it is.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
So we want to hear from you.
If this is a topic that youfind coming up with your
girlfriends, or found some wayto help get you out of these
sticky relationships orconversations, we would love to
hear from you.
Check us out on Facebook, andno, don't check us out on
Facebook.
We're trying, we're trying, butyou can check us out on
Instagram, delilah's podcast.
(39:51):
You can check us out on ourwebsite, delilahcom.
You can text the show.
You can text the show off ofthe website.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
It's on, yeah, you can even on any of the venues
that you listen to and theplatforms that you listen to.
There's a link right there thatsays text the show and you can
text the show.
Speaker 2 (40:12):
So I'm straight to Sarah's phone.
Speaker 1 (40:14):
It does come straight to Sarah's phone.
Absolutely comes straight to myphone.
But text it, let us know We'llsend you some love and swag.
Speaker 2 (40:22):
Exactly.
Text us.
We would love to hear from you,we would love to send you some,
some swag and, if you haven'talready, please go on the
platform that you listen to usand leave us a quick review.
Just let us know how we'redoing.
It's great feedback for us, butit also really boosts our
podcast.
So we always appreciate you,and I think that's all I got for
(40:45):
this week.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
That was a good one.
I loved it.
Hey folks, it's Sarah Stevens with the Lylas podcast,
and we decided to do anotherre-release, but not this time
for the summer, but for thewinter, because, let's be honest
, our schedules, our lives, havegotten a little chaotic lately
and it's been challenging for usto kind of meet up.
So we're taking accountabilityfor that, but also wanted to
provide you with what we thinkis one of our favorite episodes
(00:22):
so far of season four.
I said what I said.
Why did we choose this one?
Because at this point in time,we are all in the crust of the
holiday season, we are feelingpulled in thousands of different
directions and we probably justneeded to hear this episode
ourselves.
Let's be frank we are talkingabout the need for us to have
healthy boundaries, to modelappropriate no's and to not
(00:47):
engage in relationships oractivities that we feel are
obligatory.
Remember, if you feel obligatedto participate in something,
you probably should not beparticipating in it because it's
not going to be fun, it's notgoing to be worth it and you're
not going to feel better bydoing it.
So what is the point?
We all need to stop.
Homegirl needs to stop, jenneeds to stop, and so we're
(01:09):
taking a revisit to this one.
We hope that you enjoy it.
We really want you guys toleave us some reviews on
whatever platform you listen topodcasts, to send the show an
actual text.
We will send you some swag.
If you would like some Lilaswag free for the season, please
comment like send us a topicthat you want to hear us talk
(01:31):
about.
Anything we want to connectwith you so that way we can
continue to roll on with seasonfour and get some huge planning
in as we come into season five.
So enjoy this one, because youknow what I said.
What I said, Welcome to Lylas.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
If you grew up in the 80s and 90s, you probably know
what LILA stands for and, bydefault, this podcast is for you
.
Hey, hey, welcome again toseason four, so excited Episode
two I know Back at it, soexcited to be back and in the
groove of recording and justchatting.
It is so good for my mentalhealth.
(02:21):
It really is.
I missed us this summer.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Me too.
Me too it's a fun.
It's just so fun because wefind ourselves still separated
by distance but in the sameplace in life sometimes, or
we're just both like oh my gosh,and I just think it's nice to
kind of have that connection andpeace and grounding and fun and
laughs and support.
(02:45):
So, hopefully that's what youguys all get from listening to
us too.
Is that you feel theinterconnectedness between all
of us at this point?
Speaker 2 (02:55):
That's right.
We all feel connected.
I just sent a a Lylas carepackage.
Just about right before we hitrecord, I dropped one off at the
post office to a loyal listener.
So we are so grateful foreveryone that takes their time
to.
You know, give us a listen, alike, a share, a follow all the
things that really means a lotto us.
(03:16):
And if you are a loyal listener, we would love for you to leave
us a review, on whateverplatform of your choosing, that
you listen to us.
So if you want to give back tothe Lylas podcast, that's the
best way that you can do that.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Absolutely.
And then we'll give you someswag.
We'll send you some.
A Lylas love pack Is that whatyou called it?
That was awesome.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Yeah Well, lylas, love pack coming your way.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Well, I love her topic today.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
I do too.
It was sort of vague, but whenwe first signed on to talk about
it.
But now I'm like, but we canreally, this can really go into
multiple topics.
Honestly, it's just a startingpoint, yeah, and it's pretty
spicy, so I like it a bunch.
You're spicy, you're going tomake it spicy.
That's what's about to happen.
When we titled this, we calledit, I said what I said, which is
, you know, not exactly superclear on what we're going to
(04:09):
talk about today.
But essentially, we werediscussing this idea of how now,
at the ripe age of 42, we justwe don't, we're no longer
willing to make ourselvessmaller, to fit in or to adjust
our ourselves in order to fitinto a crowd or to be friends
with people, and so we wanted toexpand on this.
(04:31):
But I mean, we obviously hadsome personal experiences and we
were chatting about that.
But what does that mean?
To sort of make yourselfsmaller or to be less of
yourself in order to fit in?
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Well, and then also from doing that, how damaging is
that for yourself.
You know how much does thattake away from your experience
of the moment, your happiness inthat moment, and then that
energy that is being justdrained from you is then being
permeated out into everybodythat's around you.
And on the other side of that,or even extending farther from
(05:11):
that, you're also modeling thatfor your kids, and I think that
that's a that's a thing that's akind of a sticking point for me
recently is I don't want tomodel what I have found to be
unhealthy relationships or justrelationships I don't want to be
in.
Why am I going to model thatand then tell my kid to go off
and do it just because, or justto kind of again fit in, or to,
(05:37):
um, not to be looked at as mean?
You're not being mean.
If you know who your tribe is,you just stick with them.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
you know You're not being mean, if you know who your
tribe is, you just stick withthem.
You know, yeah, and we talkedabout this a little bit in the
people pleasing episode that wedid last season about how you
know we've sort of evolved fromour younger selves and we're no
longer trying to people please.
It's like, and you know it'ssomething you have to work out
when you've spent most of yourlife people pleasing.
To overcome that is prettychallenging at times and it's
(06:06):
going to take work right To undoyears of practicing a behavior.
But when I think about thiswhole idea, you know there has
been, for at least in our lives,a tremendous amount of loss in
the last year and people, a lotof people, are age and I think
for me it has brought to thesurface of this life is very
fucking short and I just can'thandle wasting time anymore.
(06:30):
I can't handle sitting in aconversation that makes my skin
crawl or pretending that I noteven pretending that I agree
with people, but just trying tobe like socially accepted or I
just I don't have the patiencefor it anymore and I think part
of it comes from, you know,obviously losing a close friend
(06:52):
this year and and and seeing youknow having to face that, that
very real reality of you knowour time on earth is short and
you better spend it in the mostmeaningful way possible, and I
think that's where I come fromwhen I say I'm no longer willing
to pretend or to give life to arelationship or even a
(07:18):
conversation that I don't wantto be in.
I just I.
You know it's like I can'twaste my time.
It's too precious and there'stoo many other people that mean
so much to me that I need to beinvesting that time and energy
and effort into yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
No, I couldn't have said that better.
That's absolutely true, andsometimes our perspective does
come from great loss.
You know, it just reallycreates like a shift within
ourselves that we're then ableto just realize like this these
relationships or theseactivities or this energy is,
does my husband always say whenI'm like scrolling social media.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
I forget how he says it In your echo chamber?
Oh, he's like are you in yourecho chamber?
And I think sometimes you haveto be a little careful, right,
we don't want to.
Sure, you want to be friendswith people you have things in
common with, but it's also goodto have some challenges, people
that are, yes, butters, yes, buthave you thought of it this way
(08:27):
?
Or give you a differentperspective.
You know you don't want to allbe chirping the same song and
dance and be like carbon copiesof each other At least, that's
kind of not my ideal friendshipgroup.
But I do think it's important toknow, like, if someone's just
not your cup of tea, like that'sokay, and that you don't have
to force yourself into arelationship or a conversation
(08:52):
with that person because societyexpects you to, for whatever
reason, whether it's like yourkid's best friend's mom I'm just
going to throw out an example.
I personally love my kid'sfriends.
So, not speaking personally inthat, but but, like you know,
some people definitely feel thatway.
Well, it's like, oh, it's mykid's best friend Like gotta be,
(09:13):
gotta be front, or you know, atleast cordial.
And yeah, I think you do haveto be cordial and maintain some
type of relationship if your kidis spending a decent amount of
time at their house, but youdon't have to be friends with
that person, right?
There's a difference and youget to choose what level of
friendship, if you will, or whatlevel of effort that you give
(09:34):
that person.
And that's just a randomexample.
I'm sure we can think of others.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
I think that's perfect, though, and I think
that we often find ourselves inthat situation, like if our kids
are involved in sports, if ourhusband has a social group.
You know what I mean.
There's people all around you,and the people that you are
connected to also have peopleconnected to them, and so at
that point, it almost seems like, you know, some relationships
(10:04):
then become almost obligatory,instead of from a genuine place
where they can be challenging,they can be different, and I
think you're right, not havingan echo chamber is a great thing
, I think, is just really beingmy genuine self, and
(10:27):
unapologetically so, but notbeing rude or forceful or, you
know, mean or condescendingabout it.
It's just whenever you arebeing your authentic self, I
just think you're happier, Ithink that your relationships
are more meaningful, theconversations are brighter, you
(10:48):
know, or more varied, and, again, I'm just for me so much energy
and I keep going back to thatword, I guess, because it's what
comes to mind whenever I thinkabout my experiences and being
around people just gets, andit's hard for my energy level to
get sucked away, because it isalways like at one, 10.
(11:09):
So if I noticed that a drain ishappening, even if it's like
five.
It's probably amplified becauseI'm used to being so high, with
it amped up, um and so wheneverI feel that it's just like an
automatic thing, thatphysiologically it just doesn't
feel good, like it doesn't feelgood, and then I know that I'm
not living within my true,authentic self, I'm not living
(11:33):
kind of, you know, aligned, andthat whenever that chasm or
fracture starts to take place,it's really hard then to manage
it and keep it from slipping inother places too.
And for me that's just what I'mstarting to kind of like
(11:55):
recognize or become more awareof of myself.
Whenever I find myself in thosesituations, it just causes a
fracture that then, if I'm notcareful, you know, I can start
to then rub other people thewrong way or it's hard to kind
of, you know, dust those typesof things off whenever you find
yourselves in those situations.
And I feel like you know again,not that we're trying to
necessarily be people pleasersor whatever else, but whenever
(12:18):
relationships feel obligatory, Ijust don't know that they're, I
don't know that they're healthy.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yeah, I think that's a great point I hadn't thought
about, like the friend's spouseor the friend you know, like
that.
I can definitely see how thosesituations conjure up this
forced relationship, especiallyif it's like your spouse's best
friend's spouse Sure you know,like what are you expected to do
?
They're going to want to doubledate, they're going to want to
(12:44):
hang out your kids are probablyfriends, all the things and
let's say like you just don'thave anything in common with
that other spouse.
That leads to a really trickyand uncomfortable situation.
And I can think of othersituations I've been in where
I've been around somebody thatjust wasn't giving me the same
energy that I felt like I wasgiving them.
(13:11):
Have you been in thoseconversations where you're like
you're giving me nothing.
I am holding the conversation.
I am clearly the only one hereinterested in having a
conversation and you know thoseare really tough because you're
giving so much energy.
You're almost exhausted at theend of it, because you're like I
ran out of questions, like Ican't think of anything else to
keep it going, you know, but youfeel this need to look like
you're having a good time or topresent as though you get along
(13:35):
and that you're interested inthe person and you might very
well have some interest, butit's just it requires like a
different level of energy.
You know, when I'm with you orone of my other besties, it's
like there's a lot of energy inthe moment, but I leave, you
know, filled up with energy fromthose experiences, not drained
(13:57):
to like, wow, that took a lot ofwork, which is interesting
because it's still a lot ofenergy.
Right, you're excited, you know, and like you can still get
tired from that, but I don't.
I tend to leave thosesituations feeling like amped up
, like you are, on a regularbasis.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Right, well, and I, but I think it takes that that
moment of kind of just likeinsight and self-awareness,
because I know that sometimes wecan all fall down a rabbit hole
Like what's wrong with me inthat moment?
You know, why am I not feelingthe same vibes as these people
or this group, or what's wrongwith me that I'm not like kind
of fitting in, especially if wehave that kind of predisposition
(14:35):
to thinking that way.
Or, you know, this might causea fight if I'm not friends or
getting along with this person,my kid may not get picked for
the team if I don't buddy upwith you know so-and-so or
whatever else, and just thatwhole rabbit hole of stuff just
really, really I think has agreater impact than sometimes
(14:56):
what we're willing to, even, ormaybe capable in those moments
to kind of recognize.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
And that's the circumstance, like because that
happens, like your kid may notget picked if you're not, but
like that team.
Or are we like no enough'senough, like I want my kid to
(15:31):
experience you know, the thingsthat they want to do, but at the
same time, not at the detrimentof me putting myself in these
forced relationships, right?
Speaker 1 (15:41):
Right, Because again they're going to pick up on that
and then see a false side ofyou, and then that can be
confusing to your child at thatpoint too.
You know, like mom, I noticedthat you didn't like so-and-so,
but you're still talking to her,you know, and that's confusion
whenever a kid expressessomething like that, and
rightfully so, because you'reprobably sitting back there.
Well, you know what?
You're kind of right about thisI don't know what the hell I'm
(16:01):
doing and then we make upexcuses for it.
And whenever we have to make upan excuse for our or somebody
else's behavior, it's probablynot something we should be doing
, Right?
I mean, that's just kind ofwhere I.
I mean, again, I do I fall inthis trap, yes, but I think that
I'm trying to step back awayfrom it as much as what I can.
Again, not wishing any ill willor really even any negativity
(16:26):
towards that person, it's just,you know, some people like to
drink soda or pop.
You know, I never have.
You know, there's a wholevariety of other drinks I like.
Maybe other people like thesedrinks.
It's okay to just acknowledgethat.
You're just not that person'sperson.
(16:46):
I just wish we could get to thatpoint and there's been a few
relationships that I've had withpeople that we both just
acknowledged in that moment,Like look, I.
And then they've not even beencontentious whenever we said
this, even though it might soundlike it.
Like, look, I really don't likeyou.
Our personalities crash way toomuch, it's always turns out to
just be absolute hell on both ofour sides.
(17:08):
So this whole thing where wesee each other and feel like we
need to talk is just not okay.
It's not okay for me, it's notokay from you, it's not okay for
us and anybody else we'rearound.
So can we just acknowledge thatif we see each other, then it's
just another human being inthis world that maybe we don't
know, don't know or don't care,and we don't even have to like
kind of engage in that.
(17:29):
And that has been the bestthing ever to have a few people
in my life where I was just likeyou know what.
We're not okay and that's okayfor us not to be okay.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
Yeah, it's so uncomfortable and I think that's
why people don't want to enterinto that space.
But you're like it's souncomfortable to be on the other
side of that when you reallydon't want to be engaging.
I'm going to give a verypersonal example and I try not
to do this because you know Idon't want to get on here and
ever speak ill of anyone.
(18:00):
But I want to give a veryspecific example.
There is a child that my son isfriends with now and a parent
had reached out to me and saidhey, I would like for our kids
to be friends with.
Is this something you know?
Could we get them together?
And it kind of caught me offguard because I'm thinking to
(18:20):
myself okay, I've known, likewe've been in the area community
for the last several years,last three years.
I said hi to you on severaloccasions, smiled at you when
I've seen you, and you give meno feedback, you don't smile
back, you don't say hello back,and now, all of a sudden, you
are reaching out to me onmultiple ways to get our kids
(18:45):
together to be friends and itjust sort of like it just sort
of rubbed me the wrong way, ifI'm being honest.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
I'm like okay.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
so like you've never said hello or even acted like
you had any interest in me or myfamily, and now you are like
breathing down my throat to tryto get our kids to hang out
together.
It just caught me.
A caught me off guard and B, Iwas like you know, like no.
Part of me was like no, I don'tknow, not that the examples I
(19:15):
want get around, like no, and soI just didn't reach out and had
no plans to and I was like,well, you know, I think you
should like at least text.
And I'm like no, like why.
Why do I?
Why is it now my responsibilityto take this on?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
You know, I got an.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
F for this.
I don't want it, you know.
And so, lo and behold, you know, our kids are in the same class
this year and so it was superawkward when they walked in and
meet the teacher because I hadnot responded.
I just like, oh, do you feelbad?
My husband just like, do youfeel bad?
I'm like I don't.
I don't understand why.
(19:54):
You know, maybe I should haveresponded, at least like given a
response, like hey, we're busyor whatever.
But even that, it just kind oflike why did I feel like I had
to appease somebody else with aresponse?
Right, you know, I didn't get aresponse all those times I
tried to have a conversationwith you before.
Why do I have to respond?
And that seems petty and low,but like part of me was just
(20:17):
pissed that I was even having tolike think about it and use any
kind of like energy towards thesituation.
Um, so anyway, it has sinceevolved and my husband and um
that child's father, you knowchatted and our kids have hung
out a couple of times, and Istill don't have like the
greatest feelings, like I can'tput my finger on it, but I don't
(20:39):
love it, um, letting it happen,because I'm trying to control
less and you know, let my kidslearn, you know through their
own experiences and not controlwhere I put them in a bubble and
we try really hard at makingsure that they know how to keep
themselves safe and and you knowthat we're always here and I
(21:02):
try to be, you know, asprotective as I can to an extent
while also giving them somefree reign to like, experience
life and make their owndecisions.
Right, it's hard, though I'mgoing to be honest with you.
Like that was a, that wholesituation for me is still really
hard in some ways.
I just don't love it and Ican't put my finger on it and,
(21:25):
um, yeah, I don't know.
So that's, I guess, sort of oneof those like uncomfortable
situations.
I'm just not willing to putmyself in, I'm not doing it, and
I told my husband I'm like doyou want to take that on?
You want to be the go betweensetting up play dates and stuff?
That's on you, bob, right, it'sall you.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
And I think that that's a.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
I was not to respond.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Yeah, and I think that that's a fine compromise,
you know, and I think wheneveryou have a gut feeling like that
, we don't want to diminish it,especially if it lingers, like I
just feel like that that's areally important thing, like
that's a, that's somethingwithin us that's telling us that
, like it's our intuition,something it ain't right.
(22:11):
We may not know what it is, butwe're still not going to, we're
going to keep our eye on it.
But, as a compromise, to havethem then be the manager of the
relationship, I think is a greatone, you know, and that does
work, especially if it's like akid or like a work relationship,
like it's just really clear toto just express those things,
even if it is with your partner.
I know that my um, my husband,doesn't, uh, like the some of
the communities that I guess I'ma part of, they're just not his
(22:33):
cup of tea, and so it's hardfor him to kind of relate to
those people or to haverelationships with them, and
that's fine, but I know that.
So whenever he comes into thosesettings or situations, then I
know that he's not mad at me, hejust isn't.
This isn't his thing, and Ithink that having that kind of
conversation with your partnerahead of time and then finding
out how you reach you're goingto kind of work through it
(22:54):
together can be super helpful.
Um, and I do the same back withhim.
I'll tell him.
I'll be like, look like I'mjust I don't have a poker face,
like that's a good or a badthing, it just kind of is what
it is.
And if I just don't like you,then the depth of my
conversation with you isprobably it's not don't like you
, it's just that we just don'thave ground, there's not a
(23:16):
ground that we can stand on andhave that kind of any ounce of
fluidity with.
Yeah, and also it's draining,it just absolutely takes the
literal life out of me.
Then you are just going to haveto manage this.
I'll be polite and say hello,but I'm not going to make plans
with this.
(23:36):
You know what I mean.
I'm not going to extend furtherthan any realm of just seeing
somebody and waving hi at them,Like I think that that's good
enough.
Speaker 2 (23:46):
But what if it's a relationship that you can't
necessarily avoid?
What if it's like an in-law, ohyeah, or you know?
I mean, I think in-laws areprobably the best example of
that, because it's a new personas an adult coming into your
(24:07):
family, and I know lots offamilies that have a lot of
strife between in-laws, um andso what if it's those types of
situations where you can'tnecessarily, you know you, on
some level you have to have arelationship, um, at least again
like being cordial when you seeeach other.
But how do you navigate thosesituations?
Speaker 1 (24:31):
And I think we can take parts of it and they still
have to coordinate things.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Right, it's your family.
You coordinate it, but I can'ttalk to them again.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
No, but I think it means that you can like set up
distance and space, so that wayit doesn't have to interfere,
you know.
And again, I think that comesdown to having an honest
conversation, you know, kind ofbetween you, your partner,
whatever's kind of going on atthat moment, and then just being
like, look, I just really havea very hard time and so I might
spend more time in the kitchen,I might spend more time distance
(25:02):
, I might not want to go off anddo all of these other things,
like I just find ways to createspace, ways to create space for
yourself in those situations.
So that way, again, it doesn'thave to ruin everybody, your
experience or anybody else's asa result of it.
And then, if it really is acontentious thing, I don't think
there's.
Again, this is me, though Idon't think there's anything
(25:24):
wrong with not engaging insomebody that you have that kind
of relationship with, becauseat that point it changes from
being unhealthy to almosthostile, you know, or it starts
to change in its severity, and Idon't hear who you are at that
point.
If that ounce of negativity iscoming into a zone, then you're
(25:45):
not allowed in this zone.
Negativity is coming into azone, then you're not allowed in
this zone or I'm going toremove myself from it until the
situation has dissipated,because it's just not worth it,
and I think that that's fine too.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
And I want to be clear that this isn't about,
like conflict resolution.
If this is someone you have arelationship with and you're in
conflict, like I, am all forconflict resolution and trying
to resolve the issue.
This is for the people you havenever been able to build a
connection with that you havemaybe put the effort in, but
like it's just not working, likeit's just not happening, and
(26:17):
we've all experienced that.
I mean, like I tried and likeit, just you know it, just we
just don't have a lot in commonis what a lot of people will say
we don't, we just don't haveanything to talk about, which is
true, or maybe you just don'thave anything to connect on, you
just really don't have thatconnection, and that's okay not
to force it.
But I love what you said abouthow you just sort of create
(26:37):
space, because I think you cando that right.
You could go get your ownlittle dopamine hit, like maybe
you, you know, steal away for 10minutes and meditate just
enough so that you can come backsuper centered, pleasant and,
like I said, at least be cordialand be you know, make things
uncomfortable.
You can still have fun withsomebody that you don't 100%
(26:59):
jive with, Right If you createthat space that you need and
that's being aware of your needsand how to give yourself a
dopamine hit when you need it,and I don't mean, like you know,
chug a beer, I mean, like, gofor a 10 minute walk in the
sunlight, whatever, whatever youknow positive dopamine hits you
(27:20):
get, having those like ready togo so that you can hopefully,
um, bring some type of peace toa situation, yeah, I'm just all
about creating that space, likeI can find 10,000 different
things to do within a tiny spacethat will distract my mind,
which will distract my emotions,my reactions, everything away
(27:42):
from whatever is just kind ofemanating at that point.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
So, even if it's people over at our house and
that's kind of the situation,yeah, I mean, I'll find room in
a closet to do something, youknow, I will find something to
do um, to give me that breathand to give that kind of space
with it.
Yeah, yeah, and I think thatthat's just it.
And some people are like well,maybe you just got to keep going
(28:07):
back to the well in order totry to find something honey.
At some point all the welldries up, okay, and you keep
digging in a well that thereain't no spring coming to it
anymore.
It ain't going to make anythinghappen, and so at that point,
it's healthy to quit, it'shealthy to not.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Right.
Why do you have to keep tryingif it's not working?
Why would we keep trying?
That seems insane.
Especially, keep doing the samething over and over again.
You're like it's not working,like it's just not meant to be,
so let it go.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
You know that boundary and let that shit go
Right right and again, you cando it with kindness and love in
your heart, and it will beself-respect that you give
yourself back by being able todo that.
You know you're not taking awayanything from yourself by
putting down boundaries withother people.
(29:00):
In fact, you're giving yourselfa big hug at the moment and
then showing others that it'sokay to to, and I, I mean I
would hope, pray to God, thatpeople do that in response to me
too.
I mean I would hope, pray toGod, that people do that in
response to me too.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Again, you know, like you're not my cup of tea, right
, you know, and like that's okay, right, let me, because I will
move on to my people, you know,or at least give my energy to
the people who I am their cup oftea.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
Yeah, it's just again coming back, being aware of
those internal signs wheneverwe're getting them and, I think,
leaning into being our mostgenuine representation of who we
are.
And as long as we're doing that, I don't think any wrong comes
out of it, because none of usare trying to hurt anybody.
None of us are trying to bemean.
(29:49):
None of us are trying to doanything like that.
None of us are trying to hurtanybody.
None of us are trying to bemean.
None of us are trying to doanything like that.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
We're just trying to live within our own space
healthily, so Right, and likewhat makes us feel good on the
inside?
And we are evolving creatures.
We weren't the same people wewere 10 years ago, 20 years ago,
five minutes ago, Like wechange moment to moment on
cellular level, but also justour personnel, everything, our
experiences.
We're constantly changing, andso to expect somebody to stay
(30:23):
the same, you know, even you'relike, well, you were interested
in that 10 years ago.
Well, yeah, but now I'm not,and you know I don't fully align
with that school of thought orwhatever it is it's.
You know, sometimes I think it'sjust knowing who you are now,
what's important to you, and andif it's not, that's okay too.
And it kind of sounds likewe're a little bitchy when I
like, when I listened to us, I'mlike we're just like fuck you,
(30:45):
but that's not.
I don't want it to come offthat way, because that's truly
not what we're trying to say.
It's really more about takingcare of you, and I, you know, I
think that's so important is toknow what it is that you want,
what makes you happy, what fillsyou up, who are those people
that do those things and thepeople that don't.
(31:08):
That's okay too.
So walk away from that.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
Yes, a hundred percent.
Those, it's those relationshipsthat feel obligatory, is what
always is like a warning signfor me, like if I'm feeling like
I have to do something withthis person, that is probably a
warning sign that I have to isnot a requirement for life.
You know what I mean In thissituation.
(31:31):
A requirement for life, youknow what I mean.
Um, in this situation, it'seither I want to or I'm going to
.
To feel like I have to dosomething already has a negative
associated with it, and thenyour energy drain is just
starting from that moment on andit will continue even after
that person is left, becauseit's a lot harder to plug that
thing back up after it's beenletting things out for a bit.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
It's a lot harder to plug that thing back up after
it's been letting things out fora bit and so yeah, so if you
found yourself in this type ofsituation, try it one time.
Just try not engaging or try,like Sarah said, finding ways to
create space, whether that'slike, hey, I'm going to be in
the kitchen all night, so I'mnot going to be out here to chat
(32:16):
at the dinner party or wherever, whatever you're doing.
But just try it and see if youdon't notice a difference in
your energy from previousexperiences to that experience,
Because I know that I sort of,in just the way that I have been
being more cognizant of thisand trialing this in certain
situations, I do notice a bigdifference.
I am not pissy you know cause Ialways get pissed when I put in
(32:39):
a lot of effort and the otherperson isn't reciprocating, Like
you're not even trying, Likewhy am I trying?
You're not even trying, and soif that's the case, you know
you're you're automaticallycutting down on, like your own
negativity and and all thethings we talk about that come
with that.
You know all of the impact thatthat has, and so just letting
(33:01):
go of that and so trial that,and then I would love to hear
any feedback if you do say fuckit.
I said what I said And'm youknow, just gonna.
I'm gonna do me for once andgive myself some space and not
force myself into thisuncomfortable situation.
Right right, I'm just gonnaroll with the boys.
(33:22):
Here we are, see what happensit's all like one big science
project.
Right, we're all just trialingthings, seeing what works and
what doesn't, and then try thenext thing it's all a big social
biological experiment rightthat has factors of relationship
and environmental thrown inthere.
(33:42):
So it's very fun you have right,like sometimes you have to have
some sort of interaction withpeople that you don't
necessarily want to, and how doyou protect yourself but also
get done what needs to be doneright I think right, right, and
then recenter yourselfafterwards like what do you do
from a self-care, relationalkind of standpoint, in order to
(34:05):
kind of reset after?
something like that for sure wetalk a lot about these types of
relationships, I feel like onthis podcast, but clearly it's
something that comes up for usboth a lot or we wouldn't talk
about it so much and I just go.
I mean, I don't know if it'sjust again like the fact we're
in our 40s and we just we don'thave the energy to pretend
(34:27):
anymore or to we just don't carewhat people think anymore.
I think is probably part of it,but it just seems to be like a
recurring theme for us when wewalk and what's going on with
you, like come back to, like Idon't know.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
I had this conversation, I don't want to,
or I have this situation, youknow you know, I bet, though, if
we actually I don't know thatanybody ever truly grows up.
I bet, if we look back at thoseold notes we used to pass back
and forth well, I don't knowthat many of these conversations
have changed too much in termsof like the like, um, true
(35:05):
content.
You know, it's still the samething.
We've just kind of changed thesituation a bit.
There's other factors.
Speaker 2 (35:11):
Yeah, it's a different context, it's true,
and I, you know, we talk aboutlike our kids.
I say to my kids all the timeyou don't have to be with
everybody and everybody doesn'thave to be friends with you.
We're not friends witheverybody in our class.
We're friends with the peoplethat we get along with and we
have things in common with Right, people that make us feel good
(35:31):
about ourselves and, in turn,people we want to spend time
with.
You know, that's a friend.
We talk a lot about what's thedifference between a friend and
a peer?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, because I don'tknow.
I don't want to confuse them.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
Great example.
Why don't we do that now?
Great example?
Why are we not saying Greatexample?
Speaker 2 (35:49):
Why are we not saying as adults, why are we not
saying what's the differencebetween a friend and a peer?
That is beautiful.
Speaker 1 (35:55):
And we should be.
That's another thing we shouldbe saying as adults, you know,
because most of these peoplethat I'm referencing are peers.
They're not friends.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
And that's fine.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
Yeah, or even just calling people.
I mean, I mean, let's get goodon a rabbit hole here, but like
calling people what they are,like sometimes they're just your
coworker, they're not yourfriend, and sometimes they are
your friend and your coworker,sometimes they're just your co.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
Right.
Sometimes they're your friend'sbest friend's parent.
You know what I mean.
They're those people.
That's just because thatcalling relationships what they
are, instead of assigning aaffectionate title to them, is
probably important.
No, that helps create distanceand space too.
The words that we use createdistance and space just as much
(36:42):
as our bodies does do so ah,such a good point, being clear
on the relationships in our lifeyeah, gosh big takeaways today,
for ourselves too, huh I know,I know.
Speaker 2 (36:57):
I think it just reiterates that it's okay to
stick to your uh what's the wordI'm looking for?
Like your internal yourintuition.
Yeah, your intuition, like it'sokay.
Like you know, your intuitionwill not mislead you and there's
(37:18):
a pretty good chance, ifsomething doesn't feel right,
that it's just you know it's notright don't force it.
No, no, people may not feel theneed to force that.
Maybe we're the only people thatfind ourselves in these
situations I don't know, I justknow that every time we're on
here we're like what's going onwith you?
I'm like let me tell you someshit, right you know well, guess
(37:39):
what?
Speaker 1 (37:40):
yeah, so yes, I totally agree.
You're out there with us.
Speaker 2 (37:45):
Let us know when you're spending less energy on
things you don't want to bespending your energy on that
aren't necessary things in life.
You have so much more energyfor the things that you do.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:59):
And that is like my sole purpose right now Right,
right.
Speaker 1 (38:03):
You can show up better for the things that
matter whenever you're notshowing up for those that don't.
You know, I mean, that's just,that's what it is.
So I take those noticing steps.
You know about ourselves, ourrelationships, and again, I
don't.
(38:23):
For me, I don't care what therelationship is, it's just you
need to.
It needs to be healthy ornon-existent.
You know, if it comes to that,well, or just create a lot of
space, but from a physicalstandpoint we wouldn't stand.
I mean, people aren't allowedto be inside like the reactor
zone of Chernobyl.
Still that thing happened, like30 years ago.
(38:44):
You know we do this to protectour physical health.
You know our emotional,relational, social health is not
different.
It's interconnected and notallowing ourselves to put
ourselves in those types ofsituations is equally as
important as what we would do wewouldn't put our kid out, I
(39:05):
don't know, in a minefield to goplay around then Right?
So you know, that's me in a ptomeeting roughly so can't go
there.
Speaker 2 (39:17):
You're on a pto, definitely me in a pto meeting.
Speaker 1 (39:19):
God bless you.
Yeah, not happening so and notmaking excuses for it just not
happening, folks, is what it is.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
So we want to hear from you.
If this is a topic that youfind coming up with your
girlfriends, or found some wayto help get you out of these
sticky relationships orconversations, we would love to
hear from you.
Check us out on Facebook, andno, don't check us out on
Facebook.
We're trying, we're trying, butyou can check us out on
Instagram, delilah's podcast.
(39:51):
You can check us out on ourwebsite, delilahcom.
You can text the show.
You can text the show off ofthe website.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
It's on, yeah, you can even on any of the venues
that you listen to and theplatforms that you listen to.
There's a link right there thatsays text the show and you can
text the show.
Speaker 2 (40:12):
So I'm straight to Sarah's phone.
Speaker 1 (40:14):
It does come straight to Sarah's phone.
Absolutely comes straight to myphone.
But text it, let us know We'llsend you some love and swag.
Speaker 2 (40:22):
Exactly.
Text us.
We would love to hear from you,we would love to send you some,
some swag and, if you haven'talready, please go on the
platform that you listen to usand leave us a quick review.
Just let us know how we'redoing.
It's great feedback for us, butit also really boosts our
podcast.
So we always appreciate you,and I think that's all I got for
(40:45):
this week.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
That was a good one.
I loved it.
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