187. Living with Bipolar Type 1

During this week's episode, my guest shares her journey of being bipolar type 1. We touched on many different topics from her going missing which went viral on Twitter, being hospitalized four times, Kanye West, the correlation between spirituality and mania, and much more. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession. Hey,

(00:35):
Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from
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(00:57):
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(01:19):
To support, please visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward
slash the PSG podcast now. Please keep in mind that
all of my guests are nonna so list again this
week's episode, So I am super excited to have my
guests on the show today. She is a music journalist

(01:40):
who has written viral cover stories with some of our
favorite artists. In addition, she is a DJ as well
as to be as soon to be best selling author
with her new books stories Okay we Got Speaking in
to Existence Okay, Yes, I love it. Her new book
is Hidden Stories, Your Lie Oh to Hip Hop Fifty
Albums that Defined fifty years of trailblazing music. She has

(02:03):
a mass over one million views on what it's like
to have bipolar disorder, and she is here today to
share her story with us. So to my guests, thank
you so much for being a part of the Professional
Homegoard podcast. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited
me too. On how's your day going, I'm doing pretty well,
you know, um making it one day at a time,

(02:24):
just trying to um, you know, pour into myself as
I'm pouring into others, and making sure that I'm always
supporting myself as I would a friend, a family member, etcetera.
I at That's the point I at right now, is
just trying to take care of myself like I would
anyone else. And that's most important because sometimes we can
our cup and get so empty. Home. Yes, absolutely, and

(02:47):
I know from first hand experience that that's not the
way to go. So so I'm trying to do something new.
How does it make you feel to receive so much
love and support on raising awareness for mental health? Yeah?
Oh my goodness. UM, it can be overwhelming. Um, just
because you know, as even though I am someone who writes,

(03:09):
you know, articles that reach a lot of people, Um,
I am still very introverted and UM to put myself
out there, I know takes a lot of courage and vulnerability,
But I just see it as something that I'm put
here to do. And to have such an outpouring of
support from people who live with mental illness, who know
someone who has a disorder, etcetera. Like whatever way the

(03:31):
conditions may appear in your life. Just to hear that
I'm making an impact and to hear that, you know,
I'm helping someone to better understand themselves or the person
in their life, who the person in their life who's
going through that, that means a lot, you know. It
means that I'm making a difference, and it means that
I am doing you know, what God put me here

(03:52):
to do, which is to to change lives and to
help people live better lives, and I can see how
it can be a little overwhelming, because when I was
reading your comments section on TikTok, I was like, oh,
this is amazing, but some of the stories that your
followers are sharing can be it can be heavy. Yeah. Yeah,
you know. Um, I've told my TikTok supporters that I

(04:13):
don't really get into the comments that much anymore. When
I first started out, I was there every every video,
I replied to every single person, and then as as
it kind of you know, grew from there, I started
to understand that, like, okay, number one, I don't know
if I can handle all of this, you know. And
also some people just like to troll, and that really
affects me, so um, you know, I was. I made

(04:35):
a video, you know, some months back where I was
just like, hey, y'all, like, I love you, I love
your stories, and I'm so grateful for you sharing, but
I can't be in this section all the time because
it does get to be overwhelming. And people were very supportive,
you know. And my sister m Jordan, who's my rock,
my support system, she reads every comment and she's like
because she's just ready to go, she's ready to fight everybody,

(04:57):
So yeah, that her Yeah, yeah, so you know, she
just wants to protect me, but she also wants me
to know the good stuff that's out there. So yeah,
I am, like, you know, invested in that space as
much as I can be. But when it comes down
to it, I try to, you know, put a little
barrier up so I can protect myself. Right, So, if

(05:19):
I'm not mistaken, You've been episode free for the past
two years. How does that make you feel? Yeah, so
it's three years now since I know, I'm so excited.
So um, you know, it's it's wonderful because you know
the prior years. You know, I had my first episode
in twenty sixteen, and then I had the next one

(05:40):
in seventeen, and then I had two in nineteen. So
it was getting to be very exhausting, and it was
interrupted my life. It was disrupting my career path, it
was doing a whole lot that it didn't need to do.
I was just in a place where I didn't know
how to care for myself independently, and I was just

(06:01):
trying to figure it out on the fly, and that's
not something that you can do with something like mental illness. So, um,
you know, I made the decision, and the decision was
kind of made for me environmentally and through God or
whatever you want to say it, but it was like,
you gotta go home. So I moved home to Texas
in December twenty nineteen, and it's been, um, you know,

(06:22):
interesting because a few months after I moved back, the
pandemic started. And you know, it was really good for
me to be home and to be with family, be
with my sister, UM, you know, be with my grandmother.
It was, you know, a blessing in disguise. So I'm
very grateful to be where I'm at now. I'm grateful
that I haven't had an episode since then, and I'm

(06:43):
trying to keep it that way, right. And how have
you been balancing your bipolar disorder in your career because y'all,
she's been in the game for over ten years, it
is she writes so many articles and besides this writing,
but you're also active in other parts as far as
like DJ and you have a book come out. How
are you balancing everything? Because that's amazing? Thank you? Yeah, yeah, So, UM,

(07:06):
I think about my life with bipolar disorder every single day.
It's something that UM has affected the way that I
see the world and the way that I see other
people and how I interact with them, and that also
extends to the work that I do, so um, you know,
from that perspective, I really just try to be as
honest and as forthcoming as I can in all my work.

(07:30):
And I feel like that helps me to balance things out,
because if I'm coming to every project, every article, every
video that I post on TikTok, if I'm coming with authentic,
genuine energy, and I'm really trying to just get a
message out there, like I feel like that's the point
of what I'm doing. I'm trying to get messages out
there to people. And you know, I don't want to.
I don't want to be famous, you know, I don't

(07:50):
want to. I don't want any of that. I just
want to connect with real people and help people. So um,
you know, I feel like having that kind of mindset
helps me to balance things out because if it's always
coming from that place of you know, of secure authenticity
and you know, just well meaning, you know, I just
I just have good intentions and you know, even though

(08:13):
sometimes things don't always happen in the way that I
planned them too, I feel like that's all in the
plan of my life. So you know, I'm I'm grateful
for the journey and I'm just taking it one day
at a time, right, And what do you wish people
knew about bipolar disorder? Yeah? Oh my goodness, this is
a big one, um child. So I'm like, I had

(08:38):
to be on point with this interview. Thank you, No,
you're doing great. You're doing great. I really appreciate these questions. Um.
So I wish people understood that it's not as simple
as a mood change. You know. People are like, oh,
like the weather is being bipolar, like it can't do
one thing in one day or whatever. And that's something

(09:01):
that's really frustrating because too, to distill bipolar disorder down
to a good day and a bad day or a
good mood in a bad mood is very very um inaccurate. Um.
Bipolar disorder is you know, with you have mania, which
is when you become very elevated, you become very excited,

(09:22):
you can become irritable, um. But it's it's a very
intense state in which you can do and say things
that you don't mean. And I've been through this, you know,
I've had four major episodes, and I've had to be
hospitalized for each of those, and in those moments, I
become a different person. Like my sister was just talking

(09:43):
to me about this other day. She was saying, you know,
like every time you have an episode, people think you're
on drugs, you know, they think that there's something like
that going on with you, and I have to tell them,
she is not this person. This is someone else. She
is a gentle, kind, loving person, and I am, you know,
but when I'm in those states, I've become someone else.
And I want people to know, like it's not as

(10:04):
simple as it happy and as sad. It's so much
more that goes into these episodes, right. And you also
made a good point when um, I was watching your
videos and you were saying how it's it's harmful for
people to say, um, oh, I'm by Polo by Polo
because I'm having an off day. Yeah, yeah, and people
you know I have. It's really something because I have

(10:25):
conversations with people who know me and know that I've
you know, I went missing in the throes of my
first episode, and know that, you know, I have been
through these hospitalizations, and they still say that and I'm
like my sister, like, she's the one who's always like, listen,
that's not what you think it is. And I at
this point, I'm still having those conversations because I just

(10:46):
want to educate people. But it can become frustrating when
people who know me and know what I've been through
still throw that word around in that manner. Do you
think people just don't care? I think people just don't know.
Like it's it's it's really hard to describe into put
someone else into your shoes, what it means to be

(11:07):
in the midst of a bipolar manic episode. People can
under understand depression, that's something that many people go through unfortunately,
and is more relatable, but the mania side of it
is something that is almost inexplicable. And that's why I
try my best as a writer, as someone who tries
to speak clearly and confidently about what this is. I

(11:27):
try to do my best in this area because how
else are we going to move forward with understanding mental illness?
Because this is just one mental illness. Um, you know,
there's you know, borderline, there's schizophrenia. They're schizoa effective, which
is bipolar and schizophrenia. So you know, there are so
many paths to this life, and you know, I just

(11:47):
want people to to understand that it is bigger than
just a bad day. And you know, I just I
hope that with the work that I've done and am doing,
that I am you know, educating, providing context, spreading awareness
because at the end of the day, like this is
something that affects millions of people in the US alone.

(12:08):
So um, you know, for us to not have a
grasp on this yet is a little disconcerting. But I'm
not giving up. You know, I'm not going to say,
well to help with it. You know, I can't change
the world, so I'm not gonna change anything. Like, I'm
still gonna do what I can do. Right. Well, listen,
I don't know, you're not giving up because when I
was wanting to videos, I say, damn, she is consistent,
like thank you. Yeah, And even when I was reading

(12:31):
the comments, I said, she responded to the comments too.
I was like, wow, yeah, yeah, yeah, I tried, you
know here and there, Like there was a few videos
ago that I was in the comments section and I
was like, oh my god, I forgot what it's like
to be here. But yeah, I'm trying. You know, I
try to address people's questions. I tried to, um, if
they have like a follow up question about a video

(12:53):
that I've done, like I did one where I was
talking about the way that I text and message people
in Mania, and um, you know, I used a certain
word and they were like, what does that mean? So
I did a follow up video to explain what it means.
So yeah, I tried to communicate with them as best
as I can and make sure that I'm addressing the
things that they want to talk about. But yeah, in general,

(13:13):
I just I, you know, I just I have a
journal and I have like a whole page of ideas
of videos that I want to do. So for the
next couple of weeks, a couple of months, I'm just
gonna be creating, creating, creating, because I am fortunate enough that,
you know, I am working on this book and it's
pretty much out of my hands at this point. Um,
I've done the work and now other people are working
on it making sure that it gets to the printing

(13:35):
presses and all that. So I do have a lot
of free time right now, and I'm grateful for it
because I can dive back into the TikTok space and
also just um figure out, like what else do I
want to do right right now? I know you are
from the South, and like I mentioned to you before
we started, so am I so? And we both know
that mental health is very taboo in the South, and

(13:57):
especially two which is like crazy. So what were your
thoughts on bipolar before you were the diagnosed with it?
Great question? Um. So my brother Um, who you know
is uh comfortable with me speaking about his life. He
um is schizo effective and he he has been since

(14:17):
you know, Um I was, if not in late high
school and early college years. So UM, I knew that
there was something out there that you know, was in
my family and my genes or whatever. But sure, yeah.
So schizzo effective is when you have characteristics of bipolar
disorder and schizophrenia. So with bipolar, you have mania, you

(14:41):
have depression in a combination of those at any given time,
and with schizophrenia you have you can hear voices, you
can see things that are not there. Um, you know
it's it's a bit more Uh. I don't want to
say it's more intense and bipolar disorder because I myself
have been diagnosed at schizo effective once upon a time.
But the last time I was hospitalized, they told me

(15:02):
you're just bipolar, so run with that, and I was like, okay, sure,
but um, you know it's it's um schizuoeffective has qualities
of both. And I've seen my brother go through episodes
and you know, he's, uh, he sees things that are
not there. He sees very violent images, he thinks that
he's hurt people and he's done nothing at all. And
my grandmother actually um also has similar visions and delusions.

(15:26):
So I've been aware of like mental health issues for
a while, but I just didn't know the first hand
account of it. And now that now that I have
that experience, I'm like, I can empathize and I can
understand what my family members are going through. Right wow.
So let's start from the beginning in if I'm not mistaken,

(15:48):
you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder type one. What were
some of the factors that trigger your first manic episode? Sure? Yeah, so,
um yeah, sixteen is when I had my episode, And
it was around September of that year. I started to
kind of elevate so to speak. Um, you know, I

(16:08):
was dating somebody, UM, and it was my first real
bond with the person and that I felt that they
liked me as much as I like them. So, um,
you know, I was falling in love very very quickly,
and they were pulling away from me. And that's at
the same time, I guess they kind of understood that
I was looking for something that they weren't willing to give,

(16:29):
so they were just trying to put up, you know,
walls in between us. And I was spiraling from that.
And at the same time, I also was in therapy.
You know, I had started therapy I think a few
months before that, and I was really getting into the
nitty gritty of you know, like why am I still
feeling grief over my mother's death? You know, I thought
it was past this. So it was a lot of

(16:49):
you know, going through the emotions of that. And then
also I had quit my stable job and I was
freelancing and the money was and come in when when
I thought it was gonna come. So I was struggling financially.
And then also I had to move apartments at that
same moment, and I didn't have rent money and I

(17:10):
thought I could, Like again, I was starting to go
through the mania at this point, so I was, um,
I was trying to convince the people that I was
supposed to live with, t like, just trust me and
go on faith, you know that I would pay them eventually,
and they're like, nah, girl, you can't live here. So
I had nowhere to stay. So I ended up moving
in with the guy that I was dating, and a

(17:32):
few days later, um, you know, he was like, I
gotta go to work, you know, go get yourself a bacon,
egg and cheese when the deli next door. Come back
and I'll see you later. And I was like, sure,
I can do that. And of course I couldn't do it.
You know, I was like up in the clouds and
I went to the deli and I, in my mind
had it when I become manic, I wouldcome very spiritual

(17:53):
and religious, and um, I was like, oh Jesus paid
at all, you know, like anything. So I like, I
went to is deli tried to get a bacon, egg
and cheese sandwich for free, as well as like a
banana and a gallon of water. And they're like, what
are you talking about? Like you have to pay for this,
and I'm like no, I I Jesus, you know, like
we're talking about you know, so um. I ended up

(18:13):
taking the food items, but I left my purse with
my phone at the deli, I guess as a means
of trust. And um, I went back to the apartment
building and started knocking on doors, trying to get people
to open the door and help so I could help
them find their way to God. And um, yeah, they
called the police and I was sorry, I gotta sneeze,

(18:37):
Oh my goodness away, UM, thank you in advance. UM.
So yeah, I ended up getting picked up by the police. Um.
And they put me in an ambulance, which is different
from an ambulance. Apparently I didn't know that. Um, but
it's like, yeah, it's it's like a it's not a
fully equipped ambulance. I don't think. I'm not sure. I

(18:59):
don't want misspeak. But anyway, I was put into that
vehicle and taken to the hospital, and my family didn't
My family and friends had no idea where I was.
So for about a day and a half, they were
just scrambling on Twitter like I was trending. They were
trying to find yeah, yeah, you know, people were really
concerned and they had no idea what had happened. And
then eventually, UM, I kept saying my sister's name over

(19:23):
and over again at the hospital, and somebody found her
on Facebook and they sent her a message, like I
think they sent her a message and or they called her.
I don't know how they got her number, but they
reached out to her and they were like, hey, your
sister's here, and you know my my sister's first thought
was like, thank god she was found, but like why
she yeah, like does she have broken bones? And she okay? UM,

(19:48):
So nobody nobody knew what had happened, including myself. I
was I was somewhere else. I was. I thought I
was in heaven. I thought I was on Mars. There
were there were so many things that I was going through, right,
It's it's just me because when I was doing research
and I was going through your comments and I was
just doing research on my own, on on my own,
what was it about? Because I feel like that was

(20:08):
like the starting point or the breaking point of like
a lot of people experiencing different things when it comes
to mental health. Yo, I'm so glad you brought that
up because I've never talked about this before, but I
have like my own suspicions about it, Like I of course,
I don't know anything more than anyone else, but I
know that that year was a pivotal year for us

(20:30):
in terms of Trump getting elected. Like I know that
for me, Um, that was when I was in the hospital,
I was like, we have to vote, like, we can't
let him get in office. And then I got out
of that hospital, was placed into another one in my hometown,
and I literally watched him get inaugurated in a mental hospital. So, um,

(20:50):
you know, I I feel like that was a major
shift for people, like this person coming into office who's
going to literally throw off the balance of the entire world.
I think that energetically, like people knew something was afoot
and they just went through what they went through. But
aside from that, I think, um, you know, it was
also for me like the police killings and vigilante killings

(21:14):
of black people, Um, you know, yeah, and us seeing
it over and over and over, you like, it was
it was a lot to handle, you know. And I
think that I think that we have emergencies, um, you know,
in our spirits and our bodies, whatever you want to
call it, in which we just have to release and

(21:35):
we have to emote and go through something different in
order to get to the other side of what we
of where we need to be. So, um, you know
these are all just like you know, you can call
it a conspiracy theory or whatever, but you know, I
I don't know, you know, like ultimately what happened that year,
But I just know that I you know, have seen
like other black women went missing that year because of

(21:57):
mental health issues, and um, you know, some folks didn't
make it back home and that's really sad, you know.
So it's like that was that was really really tough
year for a lot of people. Yeah. I remember when
he got elected and I went to work and it
was I think it was raining that day. It was
so dark and gloomy and I work in corporate Americas

(22:18):
the year are you know, it's like people I'm dealing
with watching them, like I felt so uncomfortable. Yeah, it was. Yeah.
I don't know how to explain it because it was,
like I have chills just thinking about it because it
was such a big change for so many people, like
in one Fell Swift, Yeah, exactly, we all felt it.

(22:42):
And people like people make jokes on Twitter and like
other social platforms all the time, like, oh is a
year that we you know, entered the matrix or we
blah blah blah or whatever. And I'm like, people are
aware that something happened in sixteen, we just don't know
what happened. And Twitter child, because oh my god, I know,
I'm trying to get my little last tweets off, I

(23:04):
know because a ship show like wow. Yeah, which is
crazy because like I literally grew up on Twitter, and
like I was able to make so many connections, including
in the mental health space, you know, and even just
like as recently as a couple of months ago, just
connecting with um, you know, people who have bipolar disorder
and our authors themselves and our writers and you know,

(23:26):
we're just coming together to like again help educate and
provide context for people. So yeah, RP to Twitter. Man,
it had a good run, but it wasn't long enough
in my opinion. Yeah, how long does an episode last
for you? Yeah? So, um, let's see, I'm trying to
like think through all of them. So the one, I

(23:48):
would say, the first one, Um, I feel last at
the longest because I started having symptoms of mania in
September of that year. Believe I think I said that already. Yeah,
I started having symptoms in September and then October. Early
October is when I was hospitalized, and then I didn't

(24:09):
get out until um like early November. But when I
was released, I wasn't quote unquote normal yet. I was
still manic. I was still quite manic. And my family, um,
you know, the hospital that I was in, they were
horrible with communication. I could barely talk to my family
members and friends. Um. And also they were just saying

(24:31):
things that my family felt were very very um they
just it was just a shitty hospital. I'll just say
it was a it was a terrible place. So, um,
you know, my family was like, we don't want her
there anymore, like we're coming to get her. So um,
my friend Sarah, God bless her, she's helped me so
much throughout this this whole process. But she started, uh,

(24:54):
like a go fund me or something like that, so
people could raise money for my family members to fly
to New York from Texas and get me. Yeah. Yeah,
she's been so wonderful, so um yeah, she helped with that.
And then my family flew up to get me, brought
me back to Texas, and I was still manic. So
they were like, we don't know what to do, Like.
I was there for a few days and they were like,

(25:15):
we gotta take her back to a hospital. So, um,
they took me to an extended observation unit at the
hospital in my hometown, which is basically like a mini
psych ward that you stay in for three to four
days to figure out like medications, to sleep, to just
be away from the world. And unfortunately that doesn't exist anymore, um,

(25:36):
which I think is really sad because a lot of
people like my my entire family has been in the
extended observation unit and it's helped us. But yeah, so anyway,
I why doesn't it exist anymore? UM? I don't know.
I had a close person in my life going through
a crisis earlier this year and I called that hospital like, hey,

(26:00):
you still have this unit open, and they were like, no,
we don't. And I was like, what happened? And they
were like, well, I don't even know if they gave
me an explanation, but they were like, you know, if
you bring her here, we can, um, you know, take
this person through uh like our emergency room and then
we can figure it out from there. But they probably
would have just transferred this person to a full on

(26:22):
psych word where they didn't need to be. It was
just they needed a few days to recalibrate. So yeah,
I don't know why they shut that down, but yeah,
it was really unfortunate because it's it's I think it's
saved lives. It saved my life. So yeah. So I
was in that extended observation unit for about four days
and UM I came out and I was better. Um

(26:43):
they kind of readjusted my medication and helped me in
that respect, But I don't think I fully came out
of mania until maybe early December if Yeah, so about
September to December. UM, I was manic that year and
I think that's the longest time. Well, oh I'm a liar. UM. Also,

(27:03):
UM nineteen the year that I had two episodes in
one year. UM, I was manic off and on that
whole year. UM, it was just a mess because I
just wasn't taking care of myself and I didn't have
the resources I needed to take care of myself. And
that's something that I'm really I feel really strongly about
as well. It's the fact that we don't have resources

(27:24):
in place for people who are going through crises. UM.
Like I mentioned earlier, the person in my life that
I was trying to help, find somewhere for them to go,
find a psychiatrist, find anything for them that could help immediately.
We we were stumped. We didn't know what to do,
and they just ended up having to write it out
on their own. And I'm very blessed and grateful to

(27:45):
say that they're they're doing well today, but thanks to you,
Thank God. Yeah exactly, you know, And it's like they
literally just had to fend for themselves, and I'm like, bro,
that's not so fucking k. Like we need we need sources, resources,
we need to implement, like crisis center. It's like things
that anybody can go to it any time, not just

(28:08):
a psych ward or not just a mental health facility
where you have to stay for an extended period of time.
Like some people just need immediate, short term help, and
that wasn't available. So that's another reason why I feel
pretty strongly about like mental health issues. I feel like
we need a whole another conversation on like psyche wars
and crisis centers and stuff. Yeah, I feel like your

(28:29):
story is so like inspirational and it's so large, and
it's like I don't know if we're gonna fit everything in. Yeah,
thank you, I appreciate that. But maybe we I'm gonna
definitely catch up with touch base with you after this,
but because I feel like we need to go into
the like because when you feel like psyche wars, do
you feel like they get like a bad reputation because

(28:52):
I feel like in some cases some of them do
help bow, So I feel like some of them hurt
a lot. Yes, absolutely so. The first six Marrin's that
I had was absolutely terrible. Um, the people there only
cared about a check and it was very apparent, you
know that they didn't give a funk about the people
who were there who needed it. Is it absolutely is?

(29:14):
And you know, like I just have zero good experience. Well,
I have good experiences from that hospital, but it's because
of other patients who were there. I feel like they
helped me more than the people who are working there. So, Um,
that was the first one. The second one, um it
was it was okay. Um, the first one was a
co ed experience. The second one was all women. Um,

(29:36):
and you know that one was all right? But I
was like an upstate New York where it was really
hard for people to visit me. Um, So I was
kind of like alone in that respect, but it was
it was fair, you know. Um. And then the third
experience I feel was my best. Um and as far
as an environment, I really enjoyed, um, the freedom that

(29:58):
we had there. Um, you know, we could listen to
any kind of music we wanted to, not at any time,
but they would give us like segments in which we
could listen to music. And um, you know, it didn't
matter if they had curse words, if it was wrapped,
they let us played it, play it. And I really
appreciated that they let us go outside, which people don't
really understand is not always an option. And um, you know,

(30:19):
they really a lot of They let us, like you know,
have physical touch with each other, which many hospitals and
wards don't because they feel like that's encouraging bad behavior
or sexual behavior or whatever. But you know when yeah,
when people were released ahead of me and that in
that hospital or it was a facility rather um, you know,

(30:41):
they like pick me up and hug me and like
you know, we're spinning me around and nobody said anything.
And the first hospital that I went to, I couldn't
even like hold someone's hand without being reprimanded, and you know,
so that was another thing that I appreciate. It was
just like it wasn't it wasn't a jail like situation,
you know, And that's something that most of the like

(31:05):
three out of four the experiences, I would say it
felt like I was in jail. And I've never been
to jail, but my you know, I have people in
my life who have been who have mental health issues
and have also been hospitalized, and they say that it's
not far off. So um, you know, it's it's not
a pleasant experience most of the time. But um, you know,

(31:26):
I do appreciate the people who come and show up
and really care about the folks that they're that they're
there to help. Right, So where are someone to have
as you noticed about yourself during yours day at the hospitals?
Mm hmmm yeah. Um. I always have a Bible. That's
like the number one thing. Like I said earlier, I've

(31:46):
become very spiritual, very religious, hyper religious when I'm managed,
so I always have a Bible, and um, you know,
I tend to stir folks up. That's like my m O.
Whenever I'm annic. I'm just like, we need change, we
need reparations. We need this, we need this, we need
you know. I'm just like going off about all the things,
especially as black people, what we need. And I saw

(32:10):
a picture of you with your cash money shirt on.
Oh yeah, yes, I know he was giving the people
will sink of you cha not playing no games. Oh
my god, that is so funny because this is true.
The second I got there, I started everything up. I
was like, you know, I didn't respect anybody. I was

(32:32):
slamming doors. I was doing as much as I could
to just calls a riot. And you know, the thing is,
people don't understand when you put many people together, everybody
goes and I don't want to stay crazy, but everybody
goes up. And especially because I don't know if it's
like some kind of frequency of the mind or whatever,
but it feels like everybody is in tune and we

(32:54):
all have a mission. And that's too like. And you know,
I've been placed in um secure wings quote unquote, because
I've been someone who stirs up trouble and um when
I'm placed in those wings, I feel like that's when
the most manic behavior happens because the people around me
are also going through it. So yeah, I That's another

(33:18):
thing that I do. That's um a habit when I
manag um and in these spaces and I'm trying to
think of one more thing, UM, I I tend to UM.
I tend to be very maternal. UM. You know, I
I want to help people, not just in the militant

(33:38):
you know, us versus them since but also like I
want to nurture and I want help. I want to
help people like you know, settle down and not get
in trouble, even though I'm causing trouble. It's very it
doesn't make sense, but that's mania for you. You know,
you have conflicting ideas about what you think you need
to do in order to like further humanity, but also

(34:01):
like what you need to do to further your own path.
And UM. Yeah, so those are some things that I
do in those spaces. And then I also um because
you will call yourself and leave yourself message Yeah yeah,
you you really have doing your research because I was
on my research, Chap. I just also I just admire
who you are. And I think that we need to

(34:22):
have more open conversations like this because all of us
is going through something. And I know when I was
going through things. I used to feel like I was
the only person going through it. So just to have
your story and to hear you speak on it so
thoroughly but with like I can feel the compassion and
stuff like, and I think this, this is very important.
So I'm excited. Thank you, this is so wonderful. I

(34:43):
really appreciate it. Um. Okay, so what was the question again,
I'm sorry for loving on each other. Were talking about
you leaving you calling your phone? Yeah, yes, so that started. Um. Well,
the first hospital I couldn't really call anybody because it
was just a piece of ship legs. But the second
time I had an experience, UM what happened? Oh no,

(35:07):
I was in New York, so I wasn't able to
call myself really then either. But the third time that hospitalization, UM,
I especially in the extended Observation Unit. I landed there
a few times before I was transferred to other facilities,
so they let you call and do whatever you want
in there. So I would just sit like every I swear,

(35:29):
every few minutes, I would go to that phone and
I would just be like, okay, you know, and I
was just like, you know, um, like when I managic,
I try to connect the dots between every single experience
of my life, be it cultural, be it personal, be
it professional. I'm like, oh, this happened because of this
and this and this. It's like it's very much like
the meme where the woman is like looking at all

(35:50):
the math symbols and she's like to figure it out.
Like that's what it's like for me. So, um, yeah,
when I'm able to call myself, I do, but because
I want. It's like I'm um sending dispatches to myself
and I'm like, Okay, well, you're not gonna remember this
because you're drugged up and or you're in a mantic state, obviously,

(36:12):
so let me tell you what's going on right now.
And I feel like it's been very you know, it
can be. It depends on how I feel on any
given day. But sometimes I'll listen back to it and
I think it's the funniest ship in the world. And
sometimes I'll listen and I'll be like, oh my god,
this is heartbreaking. But it's a helpful. Sometimes, Yeah, it's
absolutely helpful because it's helpful for me in that state

(36:32):
because I get to get my emotions out and I
get to talk to somebody, even if it's myself in
the future, and it's also helpful for me outside of
that because I get to hear what I'm like in
that state, and I get to hear like, how how
am I communicating with myself and how am I communicating
with other people while I'm manic And it's fascinating, you know.

(36:53):
I hate I hate to say that because it sounds
like I'm looking at myself like a specimen. But I'm
just trying to get like an area of you of
like what's going on and it really is. Um it's
it's fucking insane to like listen to yourself in another state. Yeah,
it's it's eye opening, that's the word for it. You know.

(37:14):
It's it's just like, you know, wow, like this is
what I was going through. Like I'm not gonna lie.
I was just listening to um oops almost scratch my
eyebrow off child, thank you so um yeah, I was
listening back just this week, um too. I I also
record voice memos when I'm leading up to Mania, so

(37:36):
I I try to capture myself, I guess as a journalist,
like I try to capture every single moment that I
can so I can go back to it and either
write about it or make some kind of TV show
or film or something one day. Because when I manic,
I feel like I'm the most important person in the world.
So I'm like, oh, people want to hear this, so
um yeah. So I document a lot. And I was

(37:57):
listening back to these voice memos and it's like I
can hear each step of the way toward mania, and
it's so interesting because like it'll start out like, um,
one voice memo was like my body feels like it's
vibrating and my heart is beating out of my chest.
And I was like, I know, I'm not manic right now,
but I think this is the beginning. And as each

(38:20):
voice memo goes on, it just kind of spirals out,
you know, and I'm like talking about things that don't
make sense or I'm trying to connect dots that aren't
meant to be connected, and it just goes from there.
So yeah, I try to UM. I try to document
as much as I can, just because I feel like
it's important, you know, not just for me, but for

(38:41):
anybody who wants to understand like what one person is
going through in the state, because everybody's experience is different,
very very different, right, And I know during most of
your stays at the hospitals you have been sedated. How
do you feel about that? Oh? Man, Um, I don't
like it, you know. UM. I feel like they do

(39:02):
it because I am so aggressive and so um irritable
that they don't want to get hurt. So I understand
why they do it. They just want to calm me down.
But I have lost weeks of my life to sedation,
Like I just don't remember ship. And you know, it's
like I understand that you have to do this in

(39:23):
order to protect yourself and the people around me and
everything like that, but you're literally like taking life from me.
You know, That's how I see it. And you know,
both my brother and my sister have visited me while
I've been extremely sedated, and they they're just like, you know,
you're dragging your feet, you're mumbling. You can't I can't
make out what you're saying. Um. You know, I end

(39:44):
up talking to other patients more than you because you
can't speak. And you know, it's just like it's not
a fun thing to go through, you know, Like when
I finally come out of that sedation, I'm like where, Like,
how do I. You know, I'm like, how do you? Yeah? Yeah,
I'm absolutely confused. And then like you know, the moments
where I do kind of realize like oh I'm in

(40:06):
a psych word again, you know, and then I'm like, damn,
like what happened before this? Like did you know? Was
I did I harm someone? You know? Did I hurt myself?
You know, I'm always trying to figure out, like how
did I get to this current point? So yeah, I
don't like your anxiety to go up. Yeah exactly. You know,
it's like all these dominoes that fall because of this

(40:29):
one situation. So um yeah, I don't like being stated.
It's not fun um, and I feel like it's kind
of inhumane to just like shut a person up because
you don't want to deal with them. Um. But you know,
I that's that's our current system, you know. It is
what it is, and I hope that it changes soon.
I hope that people will let folks express themselves in

(40:53):
the moment and go through what they need to go through,
because I I feel this is like another theory of mine,
but I feel like episodes happen until you go through
what you need to go through. And I feel like
my episodes are always stopped and tamped down before I'm
able to have the full experience of what I'm going through,

(41:14):
and that's why they keep reoccurring. Um And I've I've
talked to so many people who, um, you know, who
have had the chance to just go through what they're
going through and they've never had another episode, you know.
And I'm not saying that that would be the case
for me or for anybody else, but I do feel
like culturally, as a society, whatever way you want to

(41:37):
say it, what we do here in America and in
Western societies is we shut the person up and we
get rid of the problem in that way, and we
don't ask like, well, what led up to this, like
how did you how did you feel before this free
going to therapy? Like were you excavating experiences that led
to you feeling this way? And you know, and I

(41:58):
feel like at this point, we just we just shoved
pills down people's throats and we just hope that they
never have another episode. And that hasn't worked out for
me because I have had I have had episodes even
though I've been medicated, so you know, they come when
they come, and I just feel like it doesn't help
and it doesn't benefit anyone when we don't explore and

(42:22):
intentionally thoroughly look at why someone might be going through
what they're going through. Right, So, do you feel like
medication helps? I'm sorry, I can't said it again. I said,
do you feel like medication helps? Yeah? You know I've been, Um,
I've been consistently taking medication since my last episode and
I haven't had another one, you know, So I I'm

(42:44):
very aware that that is, um, you know, a correlated factor,
you know, like I am not just out here on
my own, you know, going through mania, going through depression
like willy nilly like I used to, and that's because
I'm taking medication. So I think it's helpful. Do I
want to be on it for the rest of my life?

(43:05):
Probably not, um, But for now it's working for me.
And that's another thing that I want people to understand
is that, yes, you know, medication can you know, make
you feel dull and drugged out sometimes, but you know,
they're also like it's stages to it as there is everything.

(43:26):
You know, Um, I have to I had to stick
with it for like they say, like three to four
weeks until you really get the sense of where the
medication is going. So you know, it's it's a process
and you have to find the right medications and you
have to find um, you know, there are just so
many factors that like a right therapist, Like I'm still
on the hunt for a therapist that I feel I

(43:48):
can tell everything too, because oh please, like I'm so excited,
but I share her what you like? Okay, thank you
would love her, like she looks like us, She's an
older lady, like like she totally totally gets it. Like
she helped me so much on my journey. So that's

(44:09):
what's up. I love to hear that, because, Yeah, I
had a really great therapist the one that I was
seeing when everything popped off in six and um, you know,
she was able to help me after I um came
out of that episode and like, you know, I moved
back to d C, which is where my journey started
in my career, and she was able to like, you know,

(44:30):
help me when I was there. So she was wonderful.
You know. She Um, she was a black woman, and
she really helped me to get to the bottom of
a lot of my emotions and help me figure out
like why do I feel stagnant in this respect or
why do I feel like I'm super advanced here but
not here? So you know, she she helped me a lot.

(44:51):
And like I said, I've been looking for someone I
feel who is up to par with the work that
we did together. But yeah, I'm super excited to potentially,
UM here about yours. Yes, you would love her? Like seriously,
thank you, thank you. Now you've been doing your career
for over ten years. So how does listen to music
look like for you when you have an episode? Mm

(45:13):
hmmm mmmm, this is a good question to um. So
then on, hey, I love it, yes, so, um music
and mania for me is it could be the title
of a whole memoir honestly, Um, but yeah, it's very intensified.

(45:35):
I already love music, already listen to music more than
I do anything else. Um, I don't watch TV that
often because I'm just listening to music. So it's a
big part of my life as is. And when I manage,
it becomes my entire world, and I become very obsessed
with like certain artists. Um, like there's an artist named

(45:56):
Rob Banks who's a Florida rapper, And um, when I'm manage,
I'm so drawn to his work. I don't know what
it is. I can't explain it, but um, I feel
like he is communicating with me directly, and like I
was saying, like when I'm sending messages to myself through
the phone or whatever, I feel like he's sending dispadges

(46:17):
to me as well. So it's like I feel like
and not just with him, but he's the main one,
but with all of hip hop, I feel like it's
like a contemporary version of the Bible, and like God
is communicating to me like Okay, this is like how
things started, and this is when things changed, and this
is when you came into the picture and things like that.

(46:40):
So I become very very obsessed with just certain artists,
certain lyrics, certain songs, certain albums, and I want other
people to hear it the way that I do. So
I'll like, like I remember the last time I was
in a hospital, I um, I when I was cognizant.
I remember like writing songs on by bold pages because

(47:01):
that was the only paper I had with these markers,
you know, and like ripping out the pages and giving
it to my sister and being like here, listen to this,
and then like calling my brother and being like, did
you hear the Saver Shot album? Go listen to it?
Tell me what you think, and like just like trying
to bring people into my manic world. And you know,
because it's it's it's super fun, you know, Like I know,

(47:21):
I'm not supposed to say that, but it's one of
the most fun experiences I've ever had in my life
because I'm literally living and breathing and finding these clues
and these messages in this music that I love so
much that I've never heard before, or these messages that
I've never heard before within songs that I love so much. So, um, yeah,
it's it's a it's a hell of a ride. Um

(47:43):
it's one of the most intense things that anybody can
go through through, I feel. And Yeah, if anything, that's
something that I miss about mania is being able to
see things that I hadn't seen before. So talk about
how Kanye's album Yea had a major impact on you, Yeah,

(48:05):
I shall and I love that album. Yeah. See, a
lot of people thought it was mid you know, and
I was like, are y'all hearing what I'm hearing? So yeah,
So that album, Um, you know, I had been suspicious
of Kanye's bipolar diagnosis. Um for a while before that

(48:26):
album came out, and you know, I was I remember
I was working for a hip hop company at that time,
and we were all sitting around at late at night
waiting for him to play the album so we could
write about it as quickly as possible. And you know,
he played the first song finally after hours of waiting,
and then he played the second song, I Believe, which

(48:47):
is the Yikes, and he says, you know, I, you know,
that's my bipolar disorder. It's not a it's not a disability.
It's a superpower and things like that, and I remember
I yelped. I was like, oh my god, like I
can't believe he just said that. I knew it. I
knew I knew it. You know. So people are like
chatting me on the side, like yo, you called it,
like you saw this coming. And I'm like yeah, whatever,

(49:09):
like we gotta we gotta get through this night. So
the morning, I'm like walking. I'm pacing in my apartment
and I was living in Bedstude at that time. I
missed that apartment so much, but um, yeah, I'm like
pacing this apartment, Like how am I going to talk
to these people at work, because I know everybody's gonna
be staring me in the face, like, so he said

(49:29):
he's bipolar, you're bipolar? What do you think? And I
would exactly exactly. If there's any way to single a
person out for their experiences, people are gonna do it.
So I'm pacing, you know, trying to get my thoughts together.
And then he finally drops the album cover, which says

(49:49):
I hate being bipolar? Is uh wait, what does this say?
I hate being bipolar? It's awesome? Yeah, So um, I'm
like okay. So he's doubling down, tantos down, like he's
on for it with this this cover in with these lyrics.
So I hop on the train. I get to work.
The first thing we do is have like a team meeting.
It's about fifteen to twenty people in the room and

(50:11):
everybody's looking at me and I'm like, oh my god.
So they're like, so, like, what is he talking about?
Like what does he mean by this? And I think
they were expecting me to say that he was wrong about,
you know, feeling like bipolar is a superpower, or feeling
like it's awesome even though it sucks. Um, you know,
I think they were expecting me to just like hop

(50:32):
on the side that they were already on, which is
that's not true, you know, even though they don't have
the experience themselves. And what I did was I explained
exactly why I felt like he was right in that moment.
You know, the moment before and after I don't agree with,
but in that moment, I was like, I understand what
he's saying. And it was just like dead quiet, you know,

(50:54):
my voice was quivering, and I was so nervous because again,
I'm very introverted, even though I do public work, and um,
you know, I was just trying to break down like
every reason why I felt like bipolar could be seen
as a positive just as much as it is a negative.
And you know, they, you know, they understood where I
was coming from. And then I wrote my first piece

(51:15):
about Kanye and bipolar like that day, and then I
worked on it through the weekend. Me and my editor
were going back and forth about it, and then we
published it. And you know, that was like my first
Kanye bipolar piece and I've written quite a few since then,
but yeah, that was, um, you know, it really opened
the door for me because I had long had experiences

(51:38):
that I felt I couldn't relate to people, and he
came along and was like, Hey, I have this thing too,
let's talk And I was like, oh, ship, like it's
my time. I can talk about this, like I can
point at his characteristics and my characteristics and draw a
line and you know, not saying that I am Kanye
or that I have like his qualities, but there are

(51:59):
certain and things that he does and says that I
do and say, especially in media. So um, you know,
I was just I was just excited, and I've been
very grateful um to have someone who was a public
figure such as him that I can look at and
be like, this is what's going on, and this is
how I can relate to it, because for so long

(52:20):
I felt like I was just like you were saying, alone,
Like in my experience, I felt like nobody couldn't understand
what I was going through. And so that really freed me.
And it's really unfortunate that the things that are happening
around him now are happening. But I will always be
grateful that, you know, he came out and said it,

(52:42):
because so many people in this industry probably are bipolar
or schizophrenic or schizo effective or have Bordomline personality to disorder,
like so many people might have some kind of UM
illness and won't speak on it because they're afraid or
they think that they'll be blacklisted or whatever. So UM, yeah,
I'm I'm just grateful that he took the time to

(53:05):
speak on it because it gave a lot of people
freedom to speak on it as well. Right, And you
also mentioned in one of your videos how people should
have more compassion for him. So what are your thults
when people say, um, people are using meals and illness
as an excuse for his behavior. Yeah, I understand, you know, Um,
I definitely understand, and I'm not trying to make excuses

(53:28):
for him. I'm certainly not. Um. You know, I think
he's done and said some abhorring stuff and I don't
stand behind it at all. But as someone who goes
through mania, as someone who has been hospitalized not of
their own volition, Um, I feel like Kanye is in

(53:49):
a situation where he's lost a lot, and loss and
stress behind loss can trigger episodes, and when you're in
the midst of those episodes, odes anything can happen. You know,
you can Um. I was having a conversation with a
friend who asked me this question an editor of mine,

(54:10):
and he was like, how do you how do you
react to when people like, you know, say that it's
not an excuse, And I was like, honestly, I get it,
but I also want people to understand that, like when
you're going through mania, you don't exactly understand that the
things that you're saying have real consequences and the things

(54:30):
that you do have real consequences. You think that God
is on your side, so you can do and say
whatever you want and you won't be um. You won't
nobody can come against you because if God is what you,
nobody can And that's I think how he's operating. You know.
I think he's doing and saying things because he wants

(54:52):
to stir the masses, obviously, but I also think he's
taking the actually that he's taking because you know, when
I'm manage, I feel like the world is gonna end
any moment, you know, And people joke about that all
the time, like oh, Lord's in the media right nor
right now or whatever, and you know, but when I manage,

(55:12):
I'm truly like we're in our the end of our
days and it's my job to like try to save
as many people as possible. And even though the things
that he's doing right now don't reflect that kind of ideology, UM,
I think that he is in a state or I
can only assume I don't know anything, but you know,
I think he has been in states where he feels

(55:33):
like Jesus is on the horizon and he's been you know,
selected as a prophet to speak on his behalf, so
he feels like he can say any anything. He feels
like he can do anything. And that's something that I
can relate to. You know, I've I've done and said
things that I'm not proud of. Um. You know, I've
been in situations where I've lost friends, you know, because

(55:56):
I've been in a state of mania and i haven't
wanted to admit it and I've offended them and then
and then our friendship just ceased to exist. And you know,
he's he's in similar stages, you know, where he's doing
ship that people are absolutely disgusted by. And you know,
I'm not saying I've done things to that extent, but

(56:18):
I have done things that have turned people off, and
I acknowledge that. So I just I know that it's
not an excuse, but I just don't think people are
informed enough to make that call. Right, We're gonna be
talking for a minute, child, I mean I have time.

(56:42):
I know that you said for you said a certain times,
So whatever you want to, I have to. I'm on PTLS.
I got all the Okay, alright, cool, cool, cool, Yeah,
let's just keep talking. Okay, So one more question about
him because I'm very intrigued and curious on what you think,
Oh what do you think is going to happen in
Kanye in the future. I hope he'll still be with us. Um,

(57:03):
you know, I I am very concerned that, um, well,
number one, people with bipolar disorder, you know trigger warning
here have higher rates of suicide, and um you know,
I know that that's not something people want to talk
about or think about, but it is reality. And you know,

(57:24):
someone who has experienced so many highs, um myself, I
know that, like I struggle with ideations, I struggle with
like not wanting to be here anymore. And you know,
because I have in my manic mind reach God. You know,
when I've been in touch with God, and I know
what it's like to be wrapped in his embrace. So

(57:47):
you know, when I've gone through that and then I
come out of it and I'm just in normal life,
I'm like, what the funk is this? Like I don't
here so um, you know, yeah, it's ghetto. It's like,
you know, reality is get over tup. So you know,
when I come back to reality, I'm like, what is
this place? Like? I don't want to I don't want

(58:07):
to be here. So I feel like if and when
he comes down, because you can be up, Like I
said twenty nineteen, I was up and down all year.
So you know, he has hidden in little pockets for
a little bit at a time and then come back
out and then hidden and pop back out. So I
don't know if he's like riding the wave of mania,
but I hope that when he comes down eventually he

(58:31):
will assess the damages and figure out, like what do
I need to do to get back into people's good graces?
And not just like from a financial money making standpoint,
but from a human perspective. So I really hope that
he will make his I call it an apology tour,
which is when you you literally line up people and

(58:54):
you apologize and apologize and apologize for the things that
you didn't set during mania, and you know you have
to be new one obviously, but it is a tour,
you know, like you have to make your stops. So
I hope that he does that because a lot of
people are owing an apology from him. But as I
was saying in one of my videos, you can't really
expect someone, especially someone who is known to be a

(59:17):
selfish asshole, just saying, um, you know, as someone who
is known to be that character, you're asking them to
be unselfish. You know, you're asking them to be selfless.
And the fact that you know, telling them you need
to take meds, you need to go to a therapist,
see a psychiatrist can be very very selfless to do that.
And by that I mean I did not make the

(59:39):
decision to take medication until I moved home and I
was like, I'm living with my sister. I don't want
to suck her life up. That's why I was taking
medication initially. And then I was like, oh, I'm doing
this for me, you know, I want this to be
something that I'm doing to to repair my own life.
So it took a while for that transition to happen.
But I had started out doing it for someone else,

(01:00:02):
and we're asking Kanye West, who is one of the
most selfish people we've ever encountered, to be selfless in
that respect, and it's just I just I don't I
can't comprehend that because I know what it's like to
go through the motions of being like, Okay, well this
person wants me to do this, so I'll do it,

(01:00:24):
you know, Like, I know what it's like to do that.
And he doesn't care, you know, he doesn't want to
do anything anybody tells him to do. His mother is gone,
you know, his wife left him, his family's gone, you know,
so why would he listen to anybody but God? You know?
And that's I think it is what he feels like
he's doing. So um yeah, I I kind of rambled there,

(01:00:45):
But UM, I hope that I answered your question. I'm
just curious, how has your faith change and if it
did change in what ways? Yeah? Another great question. Um So, I, um,
you know, I've always been I've always believed in God.
I've always believed in Jesus Christ. My mother was very,
very faithful, you know. Um. Often she would fall asleep

(01:01:09):
on her knees praying. So Um, she was always she
always instilled faith in us from a young age, and
as I got older, I kind of drifted away, and um,
you know, shortly before my first episode, I decided to
get a tattooed across on my wrist and I was like, Okay,

(01:01:29):
you know, I believe, I believe, I believe, you know.
And then once I started having my first manic experiences,
that's when things got really really real for me. And
I know that I can't convince anybody that it's not
just a symptom of bipolar, but it is a commonality
amongst people who are bipolar to believe that God is

(01:01:51):
in touch with them. And um, you know, I remember
feeling like like there are these situations or occurrence is
of like synchronicity, which is like where things all planned
things are things are not planned out, but they happen
and they just it feels like miracles, like you're communicating
with the universe. Um, you know, I feel a lot

(01:02:14):
of that when I manage, and it's you know, it's
a very it's a very beautiful feeling. You know, it
feels like you're in touch with God. It feels like
you are moving through the universe as you should. And
I know from those experiences that God is real. You know.
I can't, like I said, I can't prove anything to anybody.
I've been trying and trying and I can't do it.

(01:02:35):
But I all I can do is say the things
that I've been through have strengthened my faith and I
know that. You know, I know that God is real,
and I know I don't know what Heaven is. You know,
nobody knows what that is. It might be different for everybody,
but I have experienced things where I feel like I
have been in community with angels and ancestors. You know. Um,

(01:03:00):
I feel like I've gone through quite a bit at
this point that has stabilized me and my faith. So
even though these experiences are on the outside very erratic
and very uncontrollable, when I'm within, I feel like I'm
at peace and I feel like I'm, um, you know,

(01:03:21):
just happy to be a being, not a human being,
but just a being. So um, yeah, I say that
to say, yeah, my faith is certainly stronger than it
was before I had these episodes. And that's why I
look at Kanye and I'm like he stopped on a
dime and stopped talking about pleached assholes and started talking

(01:03:43):
about Jesus Christ. Like there, you know, that's that's a
market shift. So um, you know, I just I know
that there's something deeper here, and I don't know exactly
how to like explain that yet, but all I can
say is that, you know, I do believe in Jesus,
and I have since I was very young, but the
things that I've been through in the past several years

(01:04:05):
have certainly changed and impacted the way that I see
my faith. Mm hmm. And how has your dating life
been affected? Um? So, as I said, when I had
my ki, yeah, here we go with the kiki. Yeah.
So um. You know, as I mentioned earlier, I had
my first episode when I was dating somebody, and that

(01:04:28):
was really hard for me because you know, I was
falling in love with this person and then at the
same time, I was falling in love with God in
a different way, and I was falling in love with
life in a different way. And you know, as soon
as I reached you know, the peak of mania and
I was hospitalized and everything, that person that I was

(01:04:51):
dating visited me a couple of times, you know, told
me he loved me, and the next time I was
coherent enough to ask about that, he was like, oh,
you know, I just meant I love you as a friend.
And then from there I started kind of crashing ship.
Yes that part. So yeah, so I started crashing down.

(01:05:16):
Um once I was released from the hospital, and um,
it became very apparent that we were not going to
be together, you know, especially because I was in Texas,
he was in the Bronx to Harlem or whatever, and
you know, he was like, yeah, good luck, you know,
pretty much like I'm not walking with you no more.
And I was like, oh, okay, So not only am

(01:05:36):
I coming crashing down from this episode in which I
felt like I was in touch with God and now
I'm not in touch with him. And I felt like
the universe was inspiring to work with me and now
it's not. And now this nigga ain't in love with me.
So I was like one of the worst depressions I've
ever had, if not the worst. And that was your
first love, No, that was my first love. So like

(01:05:58):
I feel like, you know, I love gotten everything, but
I'm like, why did I have to go through that?
Like it was such a horrific first experience with love.
It was really really terrible. So um, since then, um,
you know, like I said, was a crazy year for
me in terms of my stability and um, you know,
when i'm manic, I can become hyper sexual. So that

(01:06:21):
year was me whiling out, you know, just doing a
lot of a lot of ship with a lot of
people and it is what it is. But yeah, so
that was that year. And then once I moved home
in late nineteen Um, the next year, I met someone
and he was cool, you know, Um we dated for
a couple of months, but I was like, this isn't
for me and we just went our separate ways. And

(01:06:43):
ever since then, I've kind of been trying to figure
out like do I want to date with somebody? Like
where do I see myself going? Um, how do how
does this potential person fit into my life? Etcetera. So, um, yeah,
I'm not opposed to dating, but I'm not, um actively looking.
So if something happens, cool, you know, I'll roll with it.

(01:07:04):
But I also know that, like, I don't want to
be with somebody just to be with somebody right right
when people do decide to leave you, because if you're diagnosis,
like how does that make you feel like, what does
forgiveness look like? Oh do you even doesn't even matter
at this point because those people that are for you
are for you and they're gonna stay regardless. Yeah. I
mean that first experience was an experienced. You know. It

(01:07:27):
was like damn, like this dude literally up and left
like he was already, like I said, kind of going
his own way because I was head over heels for
him and he was just trying to have a good time,
so he was already on his way out of the door.
And then um, once this happened, it just kind of
exacerbated it and made it, you know, speed up the
process of him dipping. So um, you know, I feel like,

(01:07:52):
like you said, the people who are for me are
for me, and we'll stick around. But you know, I'm
not I'm not afraid of anybody leaving me because my
diagnosis like, if you don't want to suck with me,
don't suck with me, you know. So I don't really
mind that, you know. If anything, it helps me to
weed out the people who are not meant to be
in my life. So um, so yeah, that's that's generally

(01:08:13):
how I feel. But overall, um, you know, I don't
think I've had too many situations where people have been like, oh,
your bipolar, I can't sunk with you. Like it's It's
been more like you know, other personal things that I'm
still working on about, like you know, um, caring for
people in the way that they deserve to be cared for,

(01:08:34):
and like not just looking out for self because that's
kind of like the way I was raised, like you know,
don't settle and you know, like protect yourself. So, um,
you know, I've always kind of lived by that advice
from my mom, but I'm now realizing that, like nobody
gives perfect advice. So you know, I'm just trying to
like navigate that as best as I can. Right, what

(01:08:57):
is your advice to those, um, they'll individuals who feel
embarrassed or guilty because of being bipolar? And what would
do you recommend as far as moving forward? Yeah, so
I want people to know that you are not a
bad person because something happened to you. Um, bipolar is

(01:09:18):
not something I chose. Um my lineage, you know, that's
what I was chosen. But you know, UM, I feel
like people have to shake the stigma of it all,
and it's very difficult because it's still very present facts. Yeah,
we're trying to act this conversation. You know, it's an

(01:09:40):
act of the stigmatizing mental illness. So I'm very grateful
for this opportunity. And yeah, and you know, I just
want people to know that they are okay, you know,
they're not alone. That was the biggest thing for me was,
you know, when when I went through what I went through,
and I was trying to explain the spiritual elements and
the the elation and all the things that I thought

(01:10:01):
that I went through that I did go through, and
people were looking at me like, girl, what are you
talking about? You had a nervous breakdown, and I'm like no,
but you don't understand, you know. And then once I
started like writing, and then once I started making TikTok videos,
and people just flooded my comments and flooded my email
and my d M s on other platforms. Like I
thought I was alone. I didn't know anybody else felt

(01:10:23):
this way, like especially from other black women, um you know,
like which is um a sector of our demographic that
people don't really consider when we're talking about mental health
and mental illness. Like when most of the conversations I
have about this are with white men, and I'm sucking
over it. You know. I'm so glad to be talking

(01:10:43):
to somebody different, somebody who looks like me, because it's
not always about them, you know. And I feel like
the more that we can like you know, so cliche,
but the more that we can come together and acknowledge like, yo,
you're not alone, I'm not alone. We're in this together,
I feel like that's gonna boost us as a community. Yeah, exactly.

(01:11:06):
It's so different like the conversations I've had with white
men about bipolar, Like they start making up their own
terms and they get to go with the jargon, and
I'm like, what are you doing? Like yo, like for real,
I'm like, what are you talking about? Like confident they do,

(01:11:26):
and I'm like, m that's not it, that's not it. Actually,
So yeah, when I talked to like I try to
um like people reach out to me on like Instagram
and Twitter and my email and stuff, and they're like, hey,
you know, I saw your TikTok. I would love to
talk to you. Do you have time? And I always
try to make time for everybody who who wants to

(01:11:47):
just like get their story out, who just wants to
be less alone. Um, I'm down for it. You know,
I don't charge people for it. I'm just like, I'm
here to listen and I'm here to give as much
experiential advice as I can. And you know, I always
the moments that I take away that are the most
impactful are when I communicate with black women. And you
know it, just like you said, it hits different, like

(01:12:09):
it feels different. It's an entirely new Um, it's an
entirely new feeling to be able to sit down and
talk to somebody who like understands like the struggle of
being a woman, and a black woman at that, in
a in a culture that does not accept you for
who you are. So once you already have that put

(01:12:29):
to the side, then we can talk about the other ship.
You know, I don't have to take my time and
explain every single FACI. Yeah exactly. So it's so different, right.
What is your advice to those who have loved ones
living with bipolar disease? Bipolar? Yeah, so I would just
say patients is the biggest thing that you need. Um.

(01:12:53):
You know, I talk about my sister often because she
really is my biggest champion, And you know she has
been there. I know. I'm so grateful. You know, like
we we when we were younger, we used to fight
a lot physically and verbally, and um, you know, after
our mom passed in two thousand nine, we just became one.
And I'm so grateful for her because without her, I

(01:13:15):
wouldn't know what to do. So, um, you know that
being said she I'm speaking from her perspective when I
say patients is key, and I say that you have
to take everything with a grain of salt, not I
don't say things like I've been mean to her. You know,
I've said ship that I would never ever say. And

(01:13:37):
that's another thing, you know with bipolar disort of is
I've said things that I would never say to someone's face.
Like we all all have passing thoughts, whether they're real,
whether you really think them, whether it's just like a
little worm of negativity that you know goes in one
place and out the other. Thought said, we would never
share out loud. I share everything and when I'm manic,

(01:14:01):
everything that comes in my mind, and not all of it,
half of it is terrible. So you know, like when
I say things to my sister, She's like, Okay, yeah
or whatever, you know, Like it's like you really have
to just like let it go, like let it go,
because not everything that is said in that state is meaningful.
Not everything that is said in that state comes from

(01:14:21):
an informed place. So you know, I would say grandisal, patience,
and love, you know, like I would hate to think
that anybody loves me less because of this disorder. And
I feel like that's you know, to bring Kanye up again,
like I feel like he's losing love from not only

(01:14:42):
his fans, with his family, and you know that's something
that's really really sad because he didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask for this. Nobody asks for a disorder.
You know. We just deal with it as best as
we can. And he's still navigating it. Like it took
me literally like from twe sixteen to almost to figure

(01:15:02):
this ship out. So I just want people to like
have grace and understanding and compassion and also just realized
that people are not being intentionally harmful when they're in
a manic state. So yeah, I just want people to
to not take it personally all right, And last but

(01:15:22):
not least, are you proud of yourself? And I asked
that question, is because you know, we're both from the South,
and I moved back to New York because my grandmother
had Alzheimer's, and I know it's not easy trying to
figure out this ship on your own, especially in New
York City. Yeah, you know, just hearing your story, like,

(01:15:45):
I'm just like so inspired by you. I'm so thankful
that you wanted to hear Did you want to share
your story on my platform? Because I was like, oh
my gosh, she gonna respond back to me on yes,
of course. Are you proud of yourself through it all?
Oh gosh, I'm so glad you said that, because I've
never I rarely stopped and pat myself on the back

(01:16:06):
or say good job. I just be going, you know,
I'll just be like trying to get to the next point,
and I you know, yeah, exactly. Yeah. So I am
proud of myself. I am very proud of myself, and
I'm grateful to have people around me, you know, like
you like my sister, like you know, my friend Sarah,

(01:16:26):
like my friend Laura, like you know, I have people
in my life who always come to me and say,
do you realize what you've done? You've done this, this, this, this,
this is this is this, like you should be proud
of yourself, And I'm like, oh, Ship, I did do that. Huh.
You know, like I forget like the things that I
do because I'm just trying to get to the next point.
So I'm always grateful for the opportunity to sit down

(01:16:49):
with myself and be like, yokay, like you should be
proud you did that, Ship. So yeah, thank you for
giving me the opportunity to to thank myself and to
be proud of myself, because you know, I have done
quite a bit and I hope that most, if not all,
of it has been beneficial. And all I can do
is try to keep dugging it out, you know, and

(01:17:10):
just be the best person that I can be and
hope that that helps. This is a beautiful conversation show.
About to start clapping. I agree. Yes, Thank you so
much into the listeners. If you have any questions, comments,
so concerns, please make sure to email me a hello
at the PhD podcast dot com, even though all of
my guests are anonymous. If you feel like her story

(01:17:31):
resonates with you and you want to connect with her,
email me and then I'll see if you ain't gonna
waste her time, child information along. Thank you, but once again,
thank you so much and until next time everyone, Later
by y'all,