May 21, 2026 • 33 mins
In this deeply honest episode of The Resilience Files: Unlocked, host Carrie Bernans sits down with 13-year-old Millie Waters to discuss her journey through bullying, depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation after traumatic experiences beginning at just 11 years old.
With incredible courage and vulnerability, Millie opens up about the emotional impact bullying had on her mental health, the long road toward healing, and the importance of having supportive people who truly listen and care. She also shares how creative outlets like theater, writing, and performance became a lifeline during some of her darkest moments.
Now proudly seven months free from self-harm, Millie hopes her story reminds other young people that they are not alone and that healing, while not linear, is possible.
This episode is a powerful conversation about resilience, youth mental health, recovery, creativity, self-acceptance, and finding hope again after pain.
Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussions of bullying, self-harm, depression, suicidal ideation, and trauma.
Key Takeaways
- Sharing your story can help others feel less alone.
- Healing is not linear and takes time, patience, and support.
- Bullying can create long-lasting emotional wounds and trust issues.
- Self-harm should be taken seriously and approached with compassion.
- Creative outlets like theater, writing, and performance can support healing.
- Supportive adults and safe relationships can make a life-changing difference.
- Young people deserve to have their emotions validated and heard.
- Recovery is possible, even after extremely dark moments.
- Encouragement and gentle guidance matter more than perfection.
- Embracing your uniqueness is part of learning to love yourself.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_02 (00:01):
When you feel like life has got you a hand of
unfair cards.
Instead of voting, you doubledown.
You get stuck in the game.
You face battles.
You felt broken.
But hey, do us a favor.
Put your hand on your heart.
You feel that.
You're still here.
Welcome to the Resilience FilesUnlocked, where survival meets
(00:25):
transformation.
Welcome to the Resilience FilesPodcast.
We are back.
I'm your host, Carrie Vernon'sactress, Stunt Woman.
This space was created forhonest conversations about
survival, healing, reinvention,and the quiet strength it takes
to keep going when life doesn'talways look like what you
(00:47):
imagined.
Before we begin, I want to offera trigger warning for this
episode.
This episode includesdiscussions around self-harm,
abuse, childhood, trauma, butalso overcoming.
So if you need a moment, pleasetake care of yourself while
listening to this episode.
And as a reminder, we are nottherapists.
We are survivors telling thisstory, shared live experiences
(01:09):
to inspire others.
This show is meant to amplifyvoices, not to diagnose or to
provide clinical advice.
I am so honored that we havesuch a lovely young guest on
today.
As we do in the lovely mannersof the Resilient Spouse podcast,
we love to read our guest essay.
Our guest today is only 13 yearsold, and she has shared such a
(01:31):
vulnerable story in her younglife journey.
And I believe that this story isgoing to inspire so many young
youth and maybe also give somenuggets to a parent that's out
there or a guardian or maybeyour grandma and grandpa that
wants some advice on how tounderstand your young person.
So without further ado, Milliewants to read her episode on
(01:52):
today.
So we'll let Millie take it on.
Hi my name is Millie Waters.
SPEAKER_01 (01:56):
I'm 13 years old, and when I was 10 to 12, I
struggled a lot a lot withthings such as suicidal
ideations, self-harm addiction,and anorexia.
Before I begin, I would like tosay if you're struggling with
any of these, I hope my storyinspires you and gives you a bit
of hope.
If you have been thinking aboutsuicide, please text or call 988
Suicide Prevention Hotline, asthey are available twenty four
seven, and they have helped methrough some of my most intense
(02:17):
moments.
There are people out there likeme who care about you and you
are not alone.
Even if it doesn't seem thatway.
Now here's my story.
I grew up with a pretty chub momand a punk rock dad.
I was an absolute socialbutterfly, the biggest fall of
sunshine you'd ever meet, alwayswearing a smile on my face, but
somewhere inside me I've alwaysbeen different.
(02:38):
I was bullied by two girls who Ithought were friends most of my
childhood, without even knowingit.
I moved schools hoping for abetter end to my elementary
years in fourth grade, which iswhere it all started.
I was bullied right off the bat.
Blue hair shampoo with a pixiegut, gapped teeth, loud, and I
really only had two friends, oneof wh one of which got mad at me
(02:59):
for everything I did, and theother one also got made fun of,
but didn't really care.
The teasing was light in fourthgrade, but little did I know
what was ahead of me the nextyear.
In fifth grade, I was verymature for my age.
Having been different my wholelife, I had learned to mask who
I really wasn't and mold myselfto to fit into social mores.
It was and still is hard for meto fit in.
(03:20):
The kids seemed to be more meanthat year.
I did make one true friend andhe was just amazing, and I loved
that he was there with me, butthe bullying was continuous and
no one was doing anything aboutit.
I vividly remember I would soband beg my mom to let me stay
home from school and leave mybag at home so that we would go
back and I would be late.
Eventually I gave up trying tohelp myself so I spiraled down
(03:40):
into depression, along withsuicidal ideation.
And as an eleven year oldsaying, I think I have
depression, that can feelextremely belittling.
How could someone so young dealwith something so serious,
right?
So I kept it to myself for avery long time.
In the summer of that year iswhen I got addicted to
self-harm.
I did not think that I was validfor feeling that way.
I didn't even I didn't even knowthat it was a thing.
(04:02):
I felt like I was the only onein the entire world going
through something like that,feeling like that in a world
surrounded by people who looklike they don't have a care in
the world can be really scary.
I did my best to hide it, but itwas not easy to hide.
So my parents found out.
I d I had to tell themeverything that was going on,
and they took me to thehospital, and that's when the
doctors talked about putting mein a mental hospital, and that
(04:23):
was terrifying.
I I was carefully watched afterthat and going to therapy once a
week, which kinda helped me, Iguess.
It was nice to be able to speakabout my feelings without
feeling judged.
I transferred to a new school insixth grade, hoping that this
year would be better.
The first couple of weeks Iactually sat by myself at the
lunch table as if it were amovie.
Like actually.
I ended up eating lunch in thebathroom and watching
(04:44):
plagiarized downloaded SouthPark v episodes on my phone.
The schoolwork was overwhelmingand everyone seemed to have a
friend except for me.
Later on that year, I becamefriends with the popular girls
and started to change everythingabout myself once again.
One girl in particular whowanted to be friends with me, I
later found out was veryunstable.
Vape addiction, she was inpsychosis, and she had sexually
(05:05):
assaulted me.
I did my best to I did my bestto help her, but what I learned
is that you can't push your ownissues to the side to help
someone else.
I told an adult and was met withthe classic, you're both kids,
she doesn't know any better.
And if you've ever been toldthis, you are valid.
And that is not an excuse.
As one may assume, we stoppedbeing friends and I spiraled
back into depression very, veryhard.
(05:27):
I had insomnia, I went back intoself-harm, got anorexia, and I
was isolating myself and losingtouch with reality.
It was the scariest thing Ithink I've ever witnessed.
My parents and I took yetanother trip to the hospital and
a couple more months of therapy.
When the new year came around, Imade a new friend, and this girl
was artistic, and it seemed thatshe could be herself no matter
(05:48):
what, and that kind of made mefeel like I could too.
That gave me hope and pulled meout of that hole, at least for a
little while.
As the school year came to anend, I started feeling myself
falling down again.
I had started taking voicelessons, and my vocal coach told
me about a play that her kidswere auditioning for.
I have only really ever done TVacting, so this was new to me,
but I decided to give it a try.
I got quite an important role,actually, and I fell in love
(06:11):
with the theater.
I loved performing.
I felt so seen and heard, andeveryone thought I was funny.
Everyone who surrounded me wasdifferent, but at the same time,
they understood me.
I met so many people that I'mstill friends with even today.
Everyone has different copingmechanisms, whether it's
listening to music, screaming,writing your thoughts and
feelings down, etc., minustheater acting and writing
(06:31):
music.
I find that I am very fond ofpoetry as well.
Everybody struggles withsomething, whether it's big or
small, you matter and you'revalid.
I still struggle with someissues, but I've learned how to
cope.
That happened to me at such ayoung age as caused me to be
very avoidant in friendships andchange my styles and how I act
constantly because I forgotexactly who I am, but I am
(06:52):
working on it.
And being here, allowing myselfto be vulnerable and hoping to
help other people, like maybelike you, yourself out of that
depression hole.
SPEAKER_02 (07:00):
Millie, thank you so much for trusting me with that.
Hearing it read out loud byyourself.
How do you feel right now?
Yeah.
No, I feel like sometimeshearing our story spoken back or
just even read out loud remindsus of how far we've come.
I wanna get into first off,thank you again for like being
open to share this story withus.
(07:22):
Cause I also recognize that youare so young, you are so
vulnerable, and you are also soyou have so much perspective
that the world needs.
Let's talk about your lifebefore everything happened.
Like, who were you?
You said you were born to a coolmom and a punk rock dad.
I think that's such a coolcombination.
Go parent.
(07:42):
You know, before you started inthe season of life that you were
in, where you felt like yourfriend groups were kind of
falling apart and you were goinginto what you consider
depression, like the first timebefore you like went to the
hospital because you were, youknow, dealing with some, you
know, thoughts of harmingyourself or you were harming
yourself.
(08:03):
Who were you before that?
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (08:05):
I just I don't remember a lot of it.
I remember I remember that I wasvery sociable.
I talked talked a lot.
And I still do today.
I I I talk a lot.
Right.
I was very did I did a lot ofsports.
SPEAKER_02 (08:19):
I did swim team.
I remember that.
I love that.
Tell me about swim team.
Do you remember what was yourearliest moment before you felt
like you were spiraling and youwere going into a depressive
state or spiraling and you feltlike you wanted to harm
yourself?
Do you remember?
Tell us about that, Millie.
SPEAKER_01 (08:36):
Or if you don't remember that, Millie, it's okay
to I remember I remember theChristmas where I got a tablet
and I really wanted an iPad.
SPEAKER_02 (08:45):
Yeah, how did you feel getting a tablet instead of
an iPad?
I was kind of sad, but like Iwas thankful.
Were you sad because likeeveryone got an iPad, or or was
it just like you felt like youjust wanted an iPad and that was
that?
SPEAKER_01 (09:00):
It was just kind of like all my friends were getting
an iPad and I really wanted onetoo, so that I could like talk
to them.
I don't really understand why Iwas so upset, but I was.
SPEAKER_02 (09:10):
Okay, so you described yourself as a social
butterfly, right?
A ball of sunshine, but alsofeeling different inside.
When did you start firstnoticing that you were feeling
different?
SPEAKER_01 (09:21):
I mean, in fourth grade, I was being told I was
different, but I kind of lookingback at everything now, I kind
of just realized that I havealways been just like very Ye I
don't know.
I just I've always been I I'venever really fit in anywhere.
And I know that sounds likevery, very corny, but like I
don't I don't know.
(09:41):
I've just I've always had when Iwas like six I had a pixie cut
and I haven't had long hairsince then too.
SPEAKER_02 (09:48):
Well you were six and you had a pixie cut, was it
that your decision that youwanted a pixie cut and you just
decided to keep it that way?
I cut my own hair.
Yeah.
That's cool.
Well, it's first off, I want totell you that it's nothing wrong
with being different.
It's nothing wrong with feelingdifferent.
When you said that people toldyou you were different, what
exactly do you remember whatpeople were telling me?
SPEAKER_01 (10:09):
I remember people told me that I like they were
just like really mean.
I don't specifically rememberwhat they were like, what they
were saying, but like they werethey were Yeah, kids can be mean
sometimes.
SPEAKER_02 (10:19):
I don't like that.
And just because you'redifferent or you got a cool
pixie cut and they don't,doesn't mean that the difference
has to be mean.
The difference can be so cool,and I think we have to start
honoring the cool part of usbeing different.
I think for so often that theworld tells us that being normal
or being the same or dress likethis or do like this is the way
(10:39):
to do it, but reality is we areall completely born with
different things about us, andonce we start embracing that, we
can fully start lovingourselves.
Did you have like words backthen that you felt that you
wanted to tell people when theysaid that, or did you kind of
allow it to just live in?
I kind of just like let it sitthere.
SPEAKER_01 (10:57):
I don't I don't ever like remember fighting back.
There was this one time in sixthgrade where I punched a kid
because he punched me first, butlike Well, you know what?
SPEAKER_02 (11:06):
Sometimes I need a little whack right back, but um,
but no, I'm happy you defend ityourself.
Like nobody should be hittinganybody in the first place.
But I'm I hope that the teacheror a principal or somebody
helped out then because we don'twe don't tolerate bullying.
Yeah.
And let's get into bullying.
You talked about being bulliedby people you thought were your
friends.
Like, what did that teach youabout trust at such a young age?
SPEAKER_01 (11:27):
Oh yeah, that has given me a a lot of trust issues
in the future.
Apparently, uh the girl who Ithought like the girls who I
thought were my friends, the twogirls who are still my
neighbors, they still talk aboutme.
SPEAKER_02 (11:43):
Well, you know what?
That's a their problem and it'snot a your problem.
And you know what?
You are giving people somethingto talk about.
You are beautiful, you have coolcolor hair, you embrace your
uniqueness and yourdifferentiality.
People are so scared of doingthat because they're afraid that
if they stand out, people aregonna talk about them.
(12:03):
But hello, like people, I mean,when people sorry, when people
choose to stand out, they makehistory, they go beyond the
norm, they tell others it's okayto embrace yourself.
So even if those girls are stilltalking about you, I want you to
still remind yourself that youare unique, you're beautiful,
you're giving them something totalk about.
And guess what?
One day you're gonna be theperson that inspires them to
fully learn to love and embracethemselves.
(12:25):
So, you know what, girls, I'llsend you a backs of popcorn.
Keep on because Millie'sMillie's only going up from
here, okay?
Right, Mills?
Yeah.
Right, okay, good.
You mentioned learning to maskand mode yourself to fit in.
What parts of yourself did youfeel like you had to have?
SPEAKER_01 (12:41):
So, like last year when I became friends with the
popular girls, kind of like Ican show you a picture.
I became very like pink andobsessed with like skincare and
stuff.
I just became a lot like them.
I I very like mirrored theirpersonalities.
SPEAKER_02 (12:56):
Yeah.
Did you feel like you had tomirror their personalities in
order to fit in and to befriends with them?
Yeah, you're shaking your head,yeah.
Yeah.
Do you feel like if you weren'tyourself, then they wouldn't be
friends with you?
How did you decide to end thatfriendship?
Or do you still have thatfriendship?
SPEAKER_01 (13:12):
It wasn't really my choice.
I don't know.
They all just kind of ganged upagainst me.
I know that sounds really thatsounds really weird, but like
they literally, there was onetime after that one girl did
that to me.
Um, they all texted me.
Like they all texted me and likewas like insulting me and like
cursing me out, and I was like,whoa, what?
SPEAKER_02 (13:32):
No, times out.
We had to take a little pausehere.
Once that girl did that thing toyou, times out.
Did were your parents involvedin this?
Do we have the school involved?
Do we have the police involved?
Because that is not right.
SPEAKER_01 (13:42):
No, because well, my school was so stupid because
when that all that happened, shenothing happened to her.
Like she didn't get anypunishment because she was a kid
as well.
SPEAKER_02 (13:53):
It doesn't matter.
I don't care.
It doesn't matter, right?
So I think like if this ishappening to you, you're
listening to this episode, don'thappen on the issue.
Like, you know, I hope that yourparents, I know that your mom
woman has been advocating foryou, but we have to continue to
push past this.
I don't care if you're a childor your adult, if anything like
(14:14):
assault in any way happens toyou, that is something that you
carry and that something needsto be escalated and something
needs to be handled.
We cannot just sit here andpretend that this is normal
because it's not normal.
That's such a heavy thing for achild to carry, or anyone for
that matter.
And I'm so sorry that happenedto you.
And honestly, something shouldbe done.
(14:35):
That's not right.
And I'm so sorry that happenedto you.
You never deserved that.
SPEAKER_01 (14:39):
Thank you.
SPEAKER_02 (14:40):
Absolutely.
You said um You said somethingabout telling yourself that I
think I have depression, and youfelt like it was belittling
because of your age.
What did it feel like carryingthose type of thoughts along?
SPEAKER_01 (14:51):
Well, my dad um told me once about like how he had
depression at like 16.
So I felt like if I haddepression and I was 11, being
that young and havingdepression, I thought that was
not a thing.
I thought that I couldn't havedepression, like there wasn't a
possible way.
SPEAKER_02 (15:09):
Yeah.
But you don't have to be acertain age to be in pain.
SPEAKER_01 (15:12):
I know.
It's just I didn't know thatthen.
SPEAKER_02 (15:14):
Yeah, absolutely.
And I'm sorry you had to carrythat.
What was it like?
Like, was there a part of youthat wanted someone to notice?
SPEAKER_01 (15:21):
Yeah, but at the same time, if someone would ask
me if I was okay, I would justbe like, yes.
SPEAKER_02 (15:26):
You make a very good point here.
And I think so often so manypeople are so afraid of telling
or sharing that vulnerable truththat something is not okay.
What kind of advice would yougive to a parent or to a
teacher, to a guardian of achild that may be going through
a moment of depression orsadness?
How do you tell them to get inand be able to talk to their
(15:48):
child to share this, even whentheir child is saying that
they're okay?
SPEAKER_01 (15:52):
It is the it is the best thing for you to be gentle.
Like your child is going throughsuch a fragile and like mentally
scarring point of their life.
And for you to like yell at themwill not help at all.
I don't know, getting mad atthem or trying to rush
everything is just it's notgonna work.
(16:13):
Just it's gonna make them it'sgonna make it worse.
SPEAKER_02 (16:16):
So I appreciate you sharing that.
If you can give us an example,if you wanted someone to ax you
or how do they gently continueto axe you even when you say I'm
okay.
SPEAKER_01 (16:27):
Kind of just like I like if you if you know that
they're not okay, you should Ifeel like it would be a good
thing to say that, like, like Iknow you're not okay, I'd your
parent, you can tell meanything, I will understand.
Just like give them a lot ofsupport.
That's exactly what they need,support.
SPEAKER_02 (16:46):
Yeah.
So continue to say, I knowyou're not okay, and I'm here, I
know you're not okay, but I'myour parent.
I know you're not okay, but I'myour mom, and you can tell me
anything.
Like, I'm not gonna judge you,I'm here for you, like those
type of words.
Thank you for that.
You shared very openly aboutstruggling with self-harm.
What do you wish adultsunderstood better about why kids
turn turn to be stuck?
SPEAKER_01 (17:07):
It's not something that I can really control.
And that's what a lot of peoplethink.
They think just like don't doit.
But it's actually like there aredifferent kinds of addictions.
There's chemical addiction orlike drug drug abuse or like
alcohol abuse addiction, stufflike that.
And then there's also behavioraladdictions, which is stuff that
you can't really stop yourselffrom doing.
That can be like from pullingout your eyelashes or biting
(17:30):
your nails or self-harming.
And a lot of people, I feellike, don't really take
behavioral addictions veryseriously, but self-harming is a
behavioral addiction and it'snot something that you can
control.
It's just yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:44):
Thank you for that.
But do you believe there'striggers that come prior to it
happening?
What type of triggers duringthat phase of your life
triggered you going intoself-harm?
SPEAKER_01 (17:59):
Well, for me, it's very different for everyone.
Everyone has differentexperiences, but for me, it was
kind of just very intensemoments because my emotions go
like a seesaw.
They're either like really happyor really sad, or just like I
don't really feel anything muchat all.
So in those very intensemoments, I would be very upset
(18:19):
and I would get vivid memoriesof what like of what I was upset
about and things that havehappened to me in my past that I
will not get into.
I would I it would just kind oflike I feel like I would trigger
myself.
I would kind of be like, I wouldkind of make myself kind of.
SPEAKER_02 (18:35):
I I don't I don't know if that is the best wording
for it, but like Yeah, I thinkwhat you're saying is like you
would have these memories of thethings that happened in the past
and they would probably upsetyou and you were thinking on
them so much that it made youupset and angry.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
You know, so often we likereflect on the past and we get
(18:57):
upset and angry about things orthe way they went and wanting
things to change, but it'ssometimes it's very difficult to
let go of what has happened inthe past or forgive our past
selves or forgive people thathave hurt us, but it's also
essential for growth and to beable to live a more peaceful
life.
And I always say you don't haveto you don't always have to
(19:19):
forget, but it's important toforgive.
And it's the forgiving is notjust for it's not for the
person, it's for you, so youdon't hold on to that emotional
weight, you know.
When your parents found out andthey took you to the hospital,
what emotions were you feeling?
Were you upset and angry withthem?
Were you happy?
Or or how were you at thatmoment?
SPEAKER_01 (19:39):
I was I was very scared.
Like I was I was hopeful, but Ikind of just felt like it was my
first time going through that,so I kind of felt like there was
no hope for me to get betterfrom that.
And that was just terrifying.
Like I would have to go throughthat j all just to not get
better.
SPEAKER_02 (19:56):
Yeah.
I'm sorry, it sounds like itdoes sound scary, but it also
sounds brave.
And I I applaud your parents forloving you so much that they
decided to get you help.
I think so often people end upin situations where no one
receives any help at all, orworse, something terrible
(20:20):
happens, but your parents lovedyou and they wanted to get you
help.
When you were in the hospital,was there anything that stuck
with you on what the doctor saidor therapist said that you feel
like another young person needsto hear?
Or you know, maybe you can shareyour hospital experience with us
if you remember or if you feelcomfortable.
It's no pressure, but when youwhen your parents took you to
(20:41):
the hospital, you remember Doyou remember what they said or
what the doctor said and howthey wanted to help you?
SPEAKER_01 (20:49):
I remember I was in a hospital gown and they gave me
an apple plushie and they talkedto me a little bit and I was I
wasn't the most open with them.
But then they brought in apsychiatrist and he was just
threatening that like if youdon't cooperate, we're gonna
send you to a mental hospital,and that was so terrifying to
(21:09):
me.
SPEAKER_02 (21:10):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (21:10):
I mean my parents were trying to be supportive.
They were like, he's apsychiatrist, he knows what he's
doing, or he's a psychologist,he knows what he's doing.
But my gosh, I was scarred.
I did not I hated the thought ofgoing to the mental hospital.
SPEAKER_02 (21:24):
Yeah.
So do you remember what decidedfor them not to take you or to
take you to the mental hospital?
SPEAKER_01 (21:30):
I was kinda I I said that I would literally like I
would do anything to not go.
And so they put me in therapyfor a couple months.
Do you feel like therapy?
Yeah, sometimes it wasinconvenient.
What was the inconvenience part?
There were a lot of things thatI just I wanted to do.
Like after school events or likebefore school events, it would
very enter a lot of my otherschedules.
(21:51):
I'm very picky about that.
So it would just like it wouldruin some of my other schedules
and ruin some of my other plans,and it was just and I would be
in a good mood, so I would.
Have nothing to talk about.
SPEAKER_02 (22:02):
Yeah, I understand.
I think during that time of yourlife, consistency was probably
the most important thing just toensure that you were supported,
you know?
I appreciate you sharing thatwith me.
You talked about eating lunchalone and in the bathroom.
What was you what was going onin your mind during that time?
SPEAKER_01 (22:18):
I actually wasn't too mad about that.
I didn't really want to befriends with anyone after the
previous year.
SPEAKER_02 (22:27):
Yeah.
I can that makes sense.
SPEAKER_01 (22:30):
I don't really remember that that portion.
It was the very beginning ofsixth grade, so I don't really
remember.
SPEAKER_02 (22:35):
Yeah.
I mean, did you wish someonewould have said something to you
or invited you to lunch?
Have you ever went up to someoneand just said, Hey, can I eat
lunch with you?
SPEAKER_01 (22:44):
I grew into being a very shy person.
Like I had to use a whiteboardto talk to people like at the
end of fifth grade.
Yeah, I understand.
SPEAKER_02 (22:53):
Or do you still consider yourself a shy person?
No, no, not except no.
Yeah.
That's cool.
I I kind of want to get backinto one point right quick
because I just feel likesomebody listening today may
feel like invalidated by the waythe adults responded to you in a
situation that involves sexualassault and the fact that the
(23:17):
adults said that you were bothkids.
I believe you deserve to bebelieved and to be protected.
What do you want other kids toknow if something happens like
this to them?
SPEAKER_01 (23:26):
If something has happened, if you have gotten
sexual sexually assaulted byanother child, that gives the
adults in that situation noright to say, you're both kids.
She didn't know any better, orhe didn't know any better.
Because you are also a kid, andI don't think that you would
sexually assault someone.
That it their age has nothing todo with it.
(23:46):
It's the way that they've acted.
And the way that they acted wasthey sexually assaulted someone
and they should be heldaccountable for that.
So just know that you are validand you don't you shouldn't just
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (23:59):
They are validated.
Thank you.
Shame on those adults, shame onthat person.
And I still think that youshould do something.
I'm gonna send you all an emailwhen we finish, but I still
think that something has to bedone.
Like it's not right.
You don't you shouldn't have tolive with this, and the same kid
could go around doing the samething, and they can grow into an
(24:20):
adult doing the same thing, andthat is harmful, and no one
deserves that.
You didn't you never deservethat, Millie.
So I'm so sorry again.
You were talking about finding asafe friend, about like meeting
a new friend who made you feelsafe to be yourself.
You said they were artistic.
What was different about thatfriendship?
SPEAKER_01 (24:37):
They kind of just allowed me to be myself around
them.
I'm no longer friends with themtoday, but they they definitely
made me happy.
SPEAKER_02 (24:44):
And when you say they made you happy, like were
they just they allowed you to beyourself, you said, right?
And they were themselves.
Do you feel comfortable sharingwhy you all are not friends
today?
SPEAKER_01 (24:57):
So this year I made a new friend, and me and that
friend got into a big argument,or not really an argument, but
like it's it's a lot, it's alot, and I'm I was I'm very
upset about why that person, theway that that person acts, it
just makes me it doesn't matter,but um, the girl the person who
was friends with me last yearand all of their friends who
(25:20):
were kind of my friends, Iguess.
I don't really hang out withthem much anymore, they all took
my the friend that I'm no longerfriends with side.
But yeah, they just they don'ttalk to me anymore.
SPEAKER_02 (25:32):
Well, I'm sorry.
I will say this as you growolder, you're gonna continue to
set more boundaries onfriendships that matter to you
and people that make you feelsafe about being yourself and
people that make you feelprotected and people that are
not about picking and choosingsides, you know, and whatever
happened, I'm sure you made thedecision that was best for you.
(25:55):
And I'm sure that at the end ofthe day, you're also teaching
them something too.
So I'm sorry that that happenedto you, but I'm also like, you
have to protect your mentalhealth and you have to protect
who you are, your values, yourcore, those things, you know.
You um mentioned about theaterbeing a turning point at that
time of your life.
Like theater made you feel seen,heard, understood.
(26:17):
What if performing unlockedinside of you?
SPEAKER_01 (26:19):
Performing for a live audience, just like
especially having a big rolewhere just people are looking at
me and they're understandingwhat I'm saying, and I can just
be any version of someone that Iwould like to be, and people
will just see me like that.
I just I love that idea so much,and I just I love the art of
theater, and it just it hasinspired me so much, and I I
(26:42):
love doing it.
SPEAKER_02 (26:43):
I love that.
You know, sometimes we findourselves in the places we least
expect, and those places heal usand they see us and they allow
us to be free in a different ina different way.
Maybe that's when you went frombeing shy to being a little bit
more bubbly to the world.
I assume so.
I love that.
Um, you mentioned that you'vebeen coping and healing through
theater and writing music.
(27:04):
How do you feel like that helpedyou release what you're
carrying?
And if another kid is goingthrough something right now,
what do you think could helpthem during their coping and
healing journey?
SPEAKER_01 (27:13):
Well, everyone has different coping mechanisms and
ways of healing, and healing isnot a fast process, it's a very
slow and hard process.
So finding your copingmechanism, I think is the best.
Like finding something thatbrings you joy.
For me, that was theater, andwriting music, I don't do much
(27:34):
of, but I do write a lot.
I'm very, very, very big intoliterature.
So for writing and poetry, Ithink is a great coping
mechanism because it helps youget out, it helps you convert
your feelings into words.
SPEAKER_02 (27:51):
That's beautiful.
What does a hard day look likefor you now compared to before
now that you've started learningcoping and healing?
SPEAKER_01 (27:59):
Hard day for me is uh it would look something like
I would only come um come out ofmy bed when I absolutely have to
for like using the restroom orsomething.
I will like not go to schoolsometimes.
Like I said, I still strugglewith some stuff just because my
emotions are I'm pretty sure I'mnot quite sure because it wasn't
fully diagnosed, but like I havea chemical imbalance in my brain
(28:20):
or something.
But my emotions get very out ofhand sometimes, and some days I
just I uh can't really find thestrength to go to school or
interact with other people.
So um sometimes I'll just stayhome and um just kind of rest
and I write poetry even on gooddays.
I write poetry anytime and itjust it makes me it makes me
(28:42):
very it ups it lifts my mood alot.
Because theater for theater, Ican't always I can't always go
to a rehearsal, but poetry isalways there for me to write my
my feelings down.
SPEAKER_02 (28:55):
That's really good.
Yeah, and I think that's growtheven if it's not perfect, but
you're like no moreself-harming, right?
So like the worst of it is justlike trying to get out of bed at
those moments.
SPEAKER_01 (29:06):
I'm seven months in something free of self-harm.
SPEAKER_02 (29:10):
You better go, Millie.
Yes I'm so proud of you.
I'm so, so proud of you.
Well, thank you.
That's beautiful.
Yeah, absolutely.
You said you're still figuringout who Millie really is.
What are you learning aboutyourself right now at this
moment?
SPEAKER_01 (29:27):
Well, I know that I I know for a fact that I am an
energetic person.
Yeah.
And that I like literature alot.
I will still sometimes mirrorother people's personalities
without like realizing it.
But in truth, I just think thatthat is because I want them to
like me.
SPEAKER_02 (29:46):
Yeah.
I think a lot of people do that.
A lot of people lean into whatother people are doing because
they want to belong.
They want to find the community,their tribe.
And I think that with time youwill find that community, you
will find that tribe.
Instead of mimicking whoeveryou're gonna say, I can be
Millie, I could be myself, andthey're gonna love me just the
way I am, and I fit in becauseuh I'm different and they're
(30:10):
different, and we embrace ourdifferences.
What do you love about yourselftoo?
SPEAKER_01 (30:14):
I really like my hair.
My hair is priorities.
SPEAKER_02 (30:17):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (30:18):
I am very proud of what of my writing skills.
Like I can I can write veryfast.
You love that.
Okay, okay, Millie.
SPEAKER_02 (30:29):
Mills with the pin, Mills with the writing.
Hey, look, artists for sure.
A young person is listening tothis right now, and they feel
the way you once felt.
What would you want them tohear?
SPEAKER_01 (30:42):
You are not alone.
I just hope that you know that.
Even if it feels like that, youare not alone.
And there are so many people outthere who love you.
Whatever religion that youbelieve in, if you even believe
in one, I'm sure that higherbeing loves you very, very, very
much.
Yeah, you're not alone, andthings do get better.
They absolutely do.
SPEAKER_02 (31:01):
I love that.
Thank you, Millie.
Um my last question for youtoday would be if you could sit
with younger Millie for amoment, what would you tell her?
SPEAKER_01 (31:10):
I would tell her that it's gonna get better and
for me to just push through andthat life is not easy because I
mean I don't think anyone hadtold me that back then.
So I think that if younger mecould hear that and like, yeah.
I don't really know.
SPEAKER_02 (31:29):
Yeah.
I think that's beautiful.
I think that's I think thatmatters, and I think younger
Millie would appreciate hearingthat.
Really, your story matters, yourvoice matters, and the courage
you have at 13 is extraordinary,and I just want to thank you so
much for just being so trustingwith me and with the Resilient
Spouths podcast on sharing yourstory, and I know it's gonna
(31:50):
encourage so many people.
Truly appreciate it.
Do you have any music out?
How can we support you?
How can the listeners tune in?
Or or are you writing anything?
If not, we'll look out for youin the future.
Don't you worry.
SPEAKER_01 (32:04):
So if you want to, you don't have to.
You could follow my my TikTok.
Okay.
What's the TikTok?
I'm like 99% sure it's MaggotEater in all lowercase, but it
might not be.
It could be uncooked tater tots.
No, it's it's I love ElasmoBrankies too.
SPEAKER_02 (32:22):
Okay, we're gonna put that in the notes on
wherever you hear a podcast, youwill be able to find Millie's
TikTok.
Millie, feel free to share your,you can show your TikTok now,
but I will put it in the notesbelow.
You can send it to me.
I love it.
Beautiful, beautiful.
I'm so excited to I'll followyou as well.
And if someone's listening todayand you're young and you're
(32:43):
hurting, I want you to know thatyou're not broken, you're not
alone, and your future is stillwide open.
If this episode resonated withyou, please share it with
somebody who needs it.
Follow the resilience filesunlocked on all platforms and
email us at resifiles atgmail.com if you have a
resilient story you'll like toshare.
Until next time, stay strong,stay healthy, stay hopeful, and
(33:05):
keep the resilience alive.
You got this.
When you feel like life has got you a hand of
unfair cards.
Instead of voting, you doubledown.
You get stuck in the game.
You face battles.
You felt broken.
But hey, do us a favor.
Put your hand on your heart.
You feel that.
You're still here.
Welcome to the Resilience FilesUnlocked, where survival meets
(00:25):
transformation.
Welcome to the Resilience FilesPodcast.
We are back.
I'm your host, Carrie Vernon'sactress, Stunt Woman.
This space was created forhonest conversations about
survival, healing, reinvention,and the quiet strength it takes
to keep going when life doesn'talways look like what you
(00:47):
imagined.
Before we begin, I want to offera trigger warning for this
episode.
This episode includesdiscussions around self-harm,
abuse, childhood, trauma, butalso overcoming.
So if you need a moment, pleasetake care of yourself while
listening to this episode.
And as a reminder, we are nottherapists.
We are survivors telling thisstory, shared live experiences
(01:09):
to inspire others.
This show is meant to amplifyvoices, not to diagnose or to
provide clinical advice.
I am so honored that we havesuch a lovely young guest on
today.
As we do in the lovely mannersof the Resilient Spouse podcast,
we love to read our guest essay.
Our guest today is only 13 yearsold, and she has shared such a
(01:31):
vulnerable story in her younglife journey.
And I believe that this story isgoing to inspire so many young
youth and maybe also give somenuggets to a parent that's out
there or a guardian or maybeyour grandma and grandpa that
wants some advice on how tounderstand your young person.
So without further ado, Milliewants to read her episode on
(01:52):
today.
So we'll let Millie take it on.
Hi my name is Millie Waters.
SPEAKER_01 (01:56):
I'm 13 years old, and when I was 10 to 12, I
struggled a lot a lot withthings such as suicidal
ideations, self-harm addiction,and anorexia.
Before I begin, I would like tosay if you're struggling with
any of these, I hope my storyinspires you and gives you a bit
of hope.
If you have been thinking aboutsuicide, please text or call 988
Suicide Prevention Hotline, asthey are available twenty four
seven, and they have helped methrough some of my most intense
(02:17):
moments.
There are people out there likeme who care about you and you
are not alone.
Even if it doesn't seem thatway.
Now here's my story.
I grew up with a pretty chub momand a punk rock dad.
I was an absolute socialbutterfly, the biggest fall of
sunshine you'd ever meet, alwayswearing a smile on my face, but
somewhere inside me I've alwaysbeen different.
(02:38):
I was bullied by two girls who Ithought were friends most of my
childhood, without even knowingit.
I moved schools hoping for abetter end to my elementary
years in fourth grade, which iswhere it all started.
I was bullied right off the bat.
Blue hair shampoo with a pixiegut, gapped teeth, loud, and I
really only had two friends, oneof wh one of which got mad at me
(02:59):
for everything I did, and theother one also got made fun of,
but didn't really care.
The teasing was light in fourthgrade, but little did I know
what was ahead of me the nextyear.
In fifth grade, I was verymature for my age.
Having been different my wholelife, I had learned to mask who
I really wasn't and mold myselfto to fit into social mores.
It was and still is hard for meto fit in.
(03:20):
The kids seemed to be more meanthat year.
I did make one true friend andhe was just amazing, and I loved
that he was there with me, butthe bullying was continuous and
no one was doing anything aboutit.
I vividly remember I would soband beg my mom to let me stay
home from school and leave mybag at home so that we would go
back and I would be late.
Eventually I gave up trying tohelp myself so I spiraled down
(03:40):
into depression, along withsuicidal ideation.
And as an eleven year oldsaying, I think I have
depression, that can feelextremely belittling.
How could someone so young dealwith something so serious,
right?
So I kept it to myself for avery long time.
In the summer of that year iswhen I got addicted to
self-harm.
I did not think that I was validfor feeling that way.
I didn't even I didn't even knowthat it was a thing.
(04:02):
I felt like I was the only onein the entire world going
through something like that,feeling like that in a world
surrounded by people who looklike they don't have a care in
the world can be really scary.
I did my best to hide it, but itwas not easy to hide.
So my parents found out.
I d I had to tell themeverything that was going on,
and they took me to thehospital, and that's when the
doctors talked about putting mein a mental hospital, and that
(04:23):
was terrifying.
I I was carefully watched afterthat and going to therapy once a
week, which kinda helped me, Iguess.
It was nice to be able to speakabout my feelings without
feeling judged.
I transferred to a new school insixth grade, hoping that this
year would be better.
The first couple of weeks Iactually sat by myself at the
lunch table as if it were amovie.
Like actually.
I ended up eating lunch in thebathroom and watching
(04:44):
plagiarized downloaded SouthPark v episodes on my phone.
The schoolwork was overwhelmingand everyone seemed to have a
friend except for me.
Later on that year, I becamefriends with the popular girls
and started to change everythingabout myself once again.
One girl in particular whowanted to be friends with me, I
later found out was veryunstable.
Vape addiction, she was inpsychosis, and she had sexually
(05:05):
assaulted me.
I did my best to I did my bestto help her, but what I learned
is that you can't push your ownissues to the side to help
someone else.
I told an adult and was met withthe classic, you're both kids,
she doesn't know any better.
And if you've ever been toldthis, you are valid.
And that is not an excuse.
As one may assume, we stoppedbeing friends and I spiraled
back into depression very, veryhard.
(05:27):
I had insomnia, I went back intoself-harm, got anorexia, and I
was isolating myself and losingtouch with reality.
It was the scariest thing Ithink I've ever witnessed.
My parents and I took yetanother trip to the hospital and
a couple more months of therapy.
When the new year came around, Imade a new friend, and this girl
was artistic, and it seemed thatshe could be herself no matter
(05:48):
what, and that kind of made mefeel like I could too.
That gave me hope and pulled meout of that hole, at least for a
little while.
As the school year came to anend, I started feeling myself
falling down again.
I had started taking voicelessons, and my vocal coach told
me about a play that her kidswere auditioning for.
I have only really ever done TVacting, so this was new to me,
but I decided to give it a try.
I got quite an important role,actually, and I fell in love
(06:11):
with the theater.
I loved performing.
I felt so seen and heard, andeveryone thought I was funny.
Everyone who surrounded me wasdifferent, but at the same time,
they understood me.
I met so many people that I'mstill friends with even today.
Everyone has different copingmechanisms, whether it's
listening to music, screaming,writing your thoughts and
feelings down, etc., minustheater acting and writing
(06:31):
music.
I find that I am very fond ofpoetry as well.
Everybody struggles withsomething, whether it's big or
small, you matter and you'revalid.
I still struggle with someissues, but I've learned how to
cope.
That happened to me at such ayoung age as caused me to be
very avoidant in friendships andchange my styles and how I act
constantly because I forgotexactly who I am, but I am
(06:52):
working on it.
And being here, allowing myselfto be vulnerable and hoping to
help other people, like maybelike you, yourself out of that
depression hole.
SPEAKER_02 (07:00):
Millie, thank you so much for trusting me with that.
Hearing it read out loud byyourself.
How do you feel right now?
Yeah.
No, I feel like sometimeshearing our story spoken back or
just even read out loud remindsus of how far we've come.
I wanna get into first off,thank you again for like being
open to share this story withus.
(07:22):
Cause I also recognize that youare so young, you are so
vulnerable, and you are also soyou have so much perspective
that the world needs.
Let's talk about your lifebefore everything happened.
Like, who were you?
You said you were born to a coolmom and a punk rock dad.
I think that's such a coolcombination.
Go parent.
(07:42):
You know, before you started inthe season of life that you were
in, where you felt like yourfriend groups were kind of
falling apart and you were goinginto what you consider
depression, like the first timebefore you like went to the
hospital because you were, youknow, dealing with some, you
know, thoughts of harmingyourself or you were harming
yourself.
(08:03):
Who were you before that?
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (08:05):
I just I don't remember a lot of it.
I remember I remember that I wasvery sociable.
I talked talked a lot.
And I still do today.
I I I talk a lot.
Right.
I was very did I did a lot ofsports.
SPEAKER_02 (08:19):
I did swim team.
I remember that.
I love that.
Tell me about swim team.
Do you remember what was yourearliest moment before you felt
like you were spiraling and youwere going into a depressive
state or spiraling and you feltlike you wanted to harm
yourself?
Do you remember?
Tell us about that, Millie.
SPEAKER_01 (08:36):
Or if you don't remember that, Millie, it's okay
to I remember I remember theChristmas where I got a tablet
and I really wanted an iPad.
SPEAKER_02 (08:45):
Yeah, how did you feel getting a tablet instead of
an iPad?
I was kind of sad, but like Iwas thankful.
Were you sad because likeeveryone got an iPad, or or was
it just like you felt like youjust wanted an iPad and that was
that?
SPEAKER_01 (09:00):
It was just kind of like all my friends were getting
an iPad and I really wanted onetoo, so that I could like talk
to them.
I don't really understand why Iwas so upset, but I was.
SPEAKER_02 (09:10):
Okay, so you described yourself as a social
butterfly, right?
A ball of sunshine, but alsofeeling different inside.
When did you start firstnoticing that you were feeling
different?
SPEAKER_01 (09:21):
I mean, in fourth grade, I was being told I was
different, but I kind of lookingback at everything now, I kind
of just realized that I havealways been just like very Ye I
don't know.
I just I've always been I I'venever really fit in anywhere.
And I know that sounds likevery, very corny, but like I
don't I don't know.
(09:41):
I've just I've always had when Iwas like six I had a pixie cut
and I haven't had long hairsince then too.
SPEAKER_02 (09:48):
Well you were six and you had a pixie cut, was it
that your decision that youwanted a pixie cut and you just
decided to keep it that way?
I cut my own hair.
Yeah.
That's cool.
Well, it's first off, I want totell you that it's nothing wrong
with being different.
It's nothing wrong with feelingdifferent.
When you said that people toldyou you were different, what
exactly do you remember whatpeople were telling me?
SPEAKER_01 (10:09):
I remember people told me that I like they were
just like really mean.
I don't specifically rememberwhat they were like, what they
were saying, but like they werethey were Yeah, kids can be mean
sometimes.
SPEAKER_02 (10:19):
I don't like that.
And just because you'redifferent or you got a cool
pixie cut and they don't,doesn't mean that the difference
has to be mean.
The difference can be so cool,and I think we have to start
honoring the cool part of usbeing different.
I think for so often that theworld tells us that being normal
or being the same or dress likethis or do like this is the way
(10:39):
to do it, but reality is we areall completely born with
different things about us, andonce we start embracing that, we
can fully start lovingourselves.
Did you have like words backthen that you felt that you
wanted to tell people when theysaid that, or did you kind of
allow it to just live in?
I kind of just like let it sitthere.
SPEAKER_01 (10:57):
I don't I don't ever like remember fighting back.
There was this one time in sixthgrade where I punched a kid
because he punched me first, butlike Well, you know what?
SPEAKER_02 (11:06):
Sometimes I need a little whack right back, but um,
but no, I'm happy you defend ityourself.
Like nobody should be hittinganybody in the first place.
But I'm I hope that the teacheror a principal or somebody
helped out then because we don'twe don't tolerate bullying.
Yeah.
And let's get into bullying.
You talked about being bulliedby people you thought were your
friends.
Like, what did that teach youabout trust at such a young age?
SPEAKER_01 (11:27):
Oh yeah, that has given me a a lot of trust issues
in the future.
Apparently, uh the girl who Ithought like the girls who I
thought were my friends, the twogirls who are still my
neighbors, they still talk aboutme.
SPEAKER_02 (11:43):
Well, you know what?
That's a their problem and it'snot a your problem.
And you know what?
You are giving people somethingto talk about.
You are beautiful, you have coolcolor hair, you embrace your
uniqueness and yourdifferentiality.
People are so scared of doingthat because they're afraid that
if they stand out, people aregonna talk about them.
(12:03):
But hello, like people, I mean,when people sorry, when people
choose to stand out, they makehistory, they go beyond the
norm, they tell others it's okayto embrace yourself.
So even if those girls are stilltalking about you, I want you to
still remind yourself that youare unique, you're beautiful,
you're giving them something totalk about.
And guess what?
One day you're gonna be theperson that inspires them to
fully learn to love and embracethemselves.
(12:25):
So, you know what, girls, I'llsend you a backs of popcorn.
Keep on because Millie'sMillie's only going up from
here, okay?
Right, Mills?
Yeah.
Right, okay, good.
You mentioned learning to maskand mode yourself to fit in.
What parts of yourself did youfeel like you had to have?
SPEAKER_01 (12:41):
So, like last year when I became friends with the
popular girls, kind of like Ican show you a picture.
I became very like pink andobsessed with like skincare and
stuff.
I just became a lot like them.
I I very like mirrored theirpersonalities.
SPEAKER_02 (12:56):
Yeah.
Did you feel like you had tomirror their personalities in
order to fit in and to befriends with them?
Yeah, you're shaking your head,yeah.
Yeah.
Do you feel like if you weren'tyourself, then they wouldn't be
friends with you?
How did you decide to end thatfriendship?
Or do you still have thatfriendship?
SPEAKER_01 (13:12):
It wasn't really my choice.
I don't know.
They all just kind of ganged upagainst me.
I know that sounds really thatsounds really weird, but like
they literally, there was onetime after that one girl did
that to me.
Um, they all texted me.
Like they all texted me and likewas like insulting me and like
cursing me out, and I was like,whoa, what?
SPEAKER_02 (13:32):
No, times out.
We had to take a little pausehere.
Once that girl did that thing toyou, times out.
Did were your parents involvedin this?
Do we have the school involved?
Do we have the police involved?
Because that is not right.
SPEAKER_01 (13:42):
No, because well, my school was so stupid because
when that all that happened, shenothing happened to her.
Like she didn't get anypunishment because she was a kid
as well.
SPEAKER_02 (13:53):
It doesn't matter.
I don't care.
It doesn't matter, right?
So I think like if this ishappening to you, you're
listening to this episode, don'thappen on the issue.
Like, you know, I hope that yourparents, I know that your mom
woman has been advocating foryou, but we have to continue to
push past this.
I don't care if you're a childor your adult, if anything like
(14:14):
assault in any way happens toyou, that is something that you
carry and that something needsto be escalated and something
needs to be handled.
We cannot just sit here andpretend that this is normal
because it's not normal.
That's such a heavy thing for achild to carry, or anyone for
that matter.
And I'm so sorry that happenedto you.
And honestly, something shouldbe done.
(14:35):
That's not right.
And I'm so sorry that happenedto you.
You never deserved that.
SPEAKER_01 (14:39):
Thank you.
SPEAKER_02 (14:40):
Absolutely.
You said um You said somethingabout telling yourself that I
think I have depression, and youfelt like it was belittling
because of your age.
What did it feel like carryingthose type of thoughts along?
SPEAKER_01 (14:51):
Well, my dad um told me once about like how he had
depression at like 16.
So I felt like if I haddepression and I was 11, being
that young and havingdepression, I thought that was
not a thing.
I thought that I couldn't havedepression, like there wasn't a
possible way.
SPEAKER_02 (15:09):
Yeah.
But you don't have to be acertain age to be in pain.
SPEAKER_01 (15:12):
I know.
It's just I didn't know thatthen.
SPEAKER_02 (15:14):
Yeah, absolutely.
And I'm sorry you had to carrythat.
What was it like?
Like, was there a part of youthat wanted someone to notice?
SPEAKER_01 (15:21):
Yeah, but at the same time, if someone would ask
me if I was okay, I would justbe like, yes.
SPEAKER_02 (15:26):
You make a very good point here.
And I think so often so manypeople are so afraid of telling
or sharing that vulnerable truththat something is not okay.
What kind of advice would yougive to a parent or to a
teacher, to a guardian of achild that may be going through
a moment of depression orsadness?
How do you tell them to get inand be able to talk to their
(15:48):
child to share this, even whentheir child is saying that
they're okay?
SPEAKER_01 (15:52):
It is the it is the best thing for you to be gentle.
Like your child is going throughsuch a fragile and like mentally
scarring point of their life.
And for you to like yell at themwill not help at all.
I don't know, getting mad atthem or trying to rush
everything is just it's notgonna work.
(16:13):
Just it's gonna make them it'sgonna make it worse.
SPEAKER_02 (16:16):
So I appreciate you sharing that.
If you can give us an example,if you wanted someone to ax you
or how do they gently continueto axe you even when you say I'm
okay.
SPEAKER_01 (16:27):
Kind of just like I like if you if you know that
they're not okay, you should Ifeel like it would be a good
thing to say that, like, like Iknow you're not okay, I'd your
parent, you can tell meanything, I will understand.
Just like give them a lot ofsupport.
That's exactly what they need,support.
SPEAKER_02 (16:46):
Yeah.
So continue to say, I knowyou're not okay, and I'm here, I
know you're not okay, but I'myour parent.
I know you're not okay, but I'myour mom, and you can tell me
anything.
Like, I'm not gonna judge you,I'm here for you, like those
type of words.
Thank you for that.
You shared very openly aboutstruggling with self-harm.
What do you wish adultsunderstood better about why kids
turn turn to be stuck?
SPEAKER_01 (17:07):
It's not something that I can really control.
And that's what a lot of peoplethink.
They think just like don't doit.
But it's actually like there aredifferent kinds of addictions.
There's chemical addiction orlike drug drug abuse or like
alcohol abuse addiction, stufflike that.
And then there's also behavioraladdictions, which is stuff that
you can't really stop yourselffrom doing.
That can be like from pullingout your eyelashes or biting
(17:30):
your nails or self-harming.
And a lot of people, I feellike, don't really take
behavioral addictions veryseriously, but self-harming is a
behavioral addiction and it'snot something that you can
control.
It's just yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:44):
Thank you for that.
But do you believe there'striggers that come prior to it
happening?
What type of triggers duringthat phase of your life
triggered you going intoself-harm?
SPEAKER_01 (17:59):
Well, for me, it's very different for everyone.
Everyone has differentexperiences, but for me, it was
kind of just very intensemoments because my emotions go
like a seesaw.
They're either like really happyor really sad, or just like I
don't really feel anything muchat all.
So in those very intensemoments, I would be very upset
(18:19):
and I would get vivid memoriesof what like of what I was upset
about and things that havehappened to me in my past that I
will not get into.
I would I it would just kind oflike I feel like I would trigger
myself.
I would kind of be like, I wouldkind of make myself kind of.
SPEAKER_02 (18:35):
I I don't I don't know if that is the best wording
for it, but like Yeah, I thinkwhat you're saying is like you
would have these memories of thethings that happened in the past
and they would probably upsetyou and you were thinking on
them so much that it made youupset and angry.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
You know, so often we likereflect on the past and we get
(18:57):
upset and angry about things orthe way they went and wanting
things to change, but it'ssometimes it's very difficult to
let go of what has happened inthe past or forgive our past
selves or forgive people thathave hurt us, but it's also
essential for growth and to beable to live a more peaceful
life.
And I always say you don't haveto you don't always have to
(19:19):
forget, but it's important toforgive.
And it's the forgiving is notjust for it's not for the
person, it's for you, so youdon't hold on to that emotional
weight, you know.
When your parents found out andthey took you to the hospital,
what emotions were you feeling?
Were you upset and angry withthem?
Were you happy?
Or or how were you at thatmoment?
SPEAKER_01 (19:39):
I was I was very scared.
Like I was I was hopeful, but Ikind of just felt like it was my
first time going through that,so I kind of felt like there was
no hope for me to get betterfrom that.
And that was just terrifying.
Like I would have to go throughthat j all just to not get
better.
SPEAKER_02 (19:56):
Yeah.
I'm sorry, it sounds like itdoes sound scary, but it also
sounds brave.
And I I applaud your parents forloving you so much that they
decided to get you help.
I think so often people end upin situations where no one
receives any help at all, orworse, something terrible
(20:20):
happens, but your parents lovedyou and they wanted to get you
help.
When you were in the hospital,was there anything that stuck
with you on what the doctor saidor therapist said that you feel
like another young person needsto hear?
Or you know, maybe you can shareyour hospital experience with us
if you remember or if you feelcomfortable.
It's no pressure, but when youwhen your parents took you to
(20:41):
the hospital, you remember Doyou remember what they said or
what the doctor said and howthey wanted to help you?
SPEAKER_01 (20:49):
I remember I was in a hospital gown and they gave me
an apple plushie and they talkedto me a little bit and I was I
wasn't the most open with them.
But then they brought in apsychiatrist and he was just
threatening that like if youdon't cooperate, we're gonna
send you to a mental hospital,and that was so terrifying to
(21:09):
me.
SPEAKER_02 (21:10):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (21:10):
I mean my parents were trying to be supportive.
They were like, he's apsychiatrist, he knows what he's
doing, or he's a psychologist,he knows what he's doing.
But my gosh, I was scarred.
I did not I hated the thought ofgoing to the mental hospital.
SPEAKER_02 (21:24):
Yeah.
So do you remember what decidedfor them not to take you or to
take you to the mental hospital?
SPEAKER_01 (21:30):
I was kinda I I said that I would literally like I
would do anything to not go.
And so they put me in therapyfor a couple months.
Do you feel like therapy?
Yeah, sometimes it wasinconvenient.
What was the inconvenience part?
There were a lot of things thatI just I wanted to do.
Like after school events or likebefore school events, it would
very enter a lot of my otherschedules.
(21:51):
I'm very picky about that.
So it would just like it wouldruin some of my other schedules
and ruin some of my other plans,and it was just and I would be
in a good mood, so I would.
Have nothing to talk about.
SPEAKER_02 (22:02):
Yeah, I understand.
I think during that time of yourlife, consistency was probably
the most important thing just toensure that you were supported,
you know?
I appreciate you sharing thatwith me.
You talked about eating lunchalone and in the bathroom.
What was you what was going onin your mind during that time?
SPEAKER_01 (22:18):
I actually wasn't too mad about that.
I didn't really want to befriends with anyone after the
previous year.
SPEAKER_02 (22:27):
Yeah.
I can that makes sense.
SPEAKER_01 (22:30):
I don't really remember that that portion.
It was the very beginning ofsixth grade, so I don't really
remember.
SPEAKER_02 (22:35):
Yeah.
I mean, did you wish someonewould have said something to you
or invited you to lunch?
Have you ever went up to someoneand just said, Hey, can I eat
lunch with you?
SPEAKER_01 (22:44):
I grew into being a very shy person.
Like I had to use a whiteboardto talk to people like at the
end of fifth grade.
Yeah, I understand.
SPEAKER_02 (22:53):
Or do you still consider yourself a shy person?
No, no, not except no.
Yeah.
That's cool.
I I kind of want to get backinto one point right quick
because I just feel likesomebody listening today may
feel like invalidated by the waythe adults responded to you in a
situation that involves sexualassault and the fact that the
(23:17):
adults said that you were bothkids.
I believe you deserve to bebelieved and to be protected.
What do you want other kids toknow if something happens like
this to them?
SPEAKER_01 (23:26):
If something has happened, if you have gotten
sexual sexually assaulted byanother child, that gives the
adults in that situation noright to say, you're both kids.
She didn't know any better, orhe didn't know any better.
Because you are also a kid, andI don't think that you would
sexually assault someone.
That it their age has nothing todo with it.
(23:46):
It's the way that they've acted.
And the way that they acted wasthey sexually assaulted someone
and they should be heldaccountable for that.
So just know that you are validand you don't you shouldn't just
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (23:59):
They are validated.
Thank you.
Shame on those adults, shame onthat person.
And I still think that youshould do something.
I'm gonna send you all an emailwhen we finish, but I still
think that something has to bedone.
Like it's not right.
You don't you shouldn't have tolive with this, and the same kid
could go around doing the samething, and they can grow into an
(24:20):
adult doing the same thing, andthat is harmful, and no one
deserves that.
You didn't you never deservethat, Millie.
So I'm so sorry again.
You were talking about finding asafe friend, about like meeting
a new friend who made you feelsafe to be yourself.
You said they were artistic.
What was different about thatfriendship?
SPEAKER_01 (24:37):
They kind of just allowed me to be myself around
them.
I'm no longer friends with themtoday, but they they definitely
made me happy.
SPEAKER_02 (24:44):
And when you say they made you happy, like were
they just they allowed you to beyourself, you said, right?
And they were themselves.
Do you feel comfortable sharingwhy you all are not friends
today?
SPEAKER_01 (24:57):
So this year I made a new friend, and me and that
friend got into a big argument,or not really an argument, but
like it's it's a lot, it's alot, and I'm I was I'm very
upset about why that person, theway that that person acts, it
just makes me it doesn't matter,but um, the girl the person who
was friends with me last yearand all of their friends who
(25:20):
were kind of my friends, Iguess.
I don't really hang out withthem much anymore, they all took
my the friend that I'm no longerfriends with side.
But yeah, they just they don'ttalk to me anymore.
SPEAKER_02 (25:32):
Well, I'm sorry.
I will say this as you growolder, you're gonna continue to
set more boundaries onfriendships that matter to you
and people that make you feelsafe about being yourself and
people that make you feelprotected and people that are
not about picking and choosingsides, you know, and whatever
happened, I'm sure you made thedecision that was best for you.
(25:55):
And I'm sure that at the end ofthe day, you're also teaching
them something too.
So I'm sorry that that happenedto you, but I'm also like, you
have to protect your mentalhealth and you have to protect
who you are, your values, yourcore, those things, you know.
You um mentioned about theaterbeing a turning point at that
time of your life.
Like theater made you feel seen,heard, understood.
(26:17):
What if performing unlockedinside of you?
SPEAKER_01 (26:19):
Performing for a live audience, just like
especially having a big rolewhere just people are looking at
me and they're understandingwhat I'm saying, and I can just
be any version of someone that Iwould like to be, and people
will just see me like that.
I just I love that idea so much,and I just I love the art of
theater, and it just it hasinspired me so much, and I I
(26:42):
love doing it.
SPEAKER_02 (26:43):
I love that.
You know, sometimes we findourselves in the places we least
expect, and those places heal usand they see us and they allow
us to be free in a different ina different way.
Maybe that's when you went frombeing shy to being a little bit
more bubbly to the world.
I assume so.
I love that.
Um, you mentioned that you'vebeen coping and healing through
theater and writing music.
(27:04):
How do you feel like that helpedyou release what you're
carrying?
And if another kid is goingthrough something right now,
what do you think could helpthem during their coping and
healing journey?
SPEAKER_01 (27:13):
Well, everyone has different coping mechanisms and
ways of healing, and healing isnot a fast process, it's a very
slow and hard process.
So finding your copingmechanism, I think is the best.
Like finding something thatbrings you joy.
For me, that was theater, andwriting music, I don't do much
(27:34):
of, but I do write a lot.
I'm very, very, very big intoliterature.
So for writing and poetry, Ithink is a great coping
mechanism because it helps youget out, it helps you convert
your feelings into words.
SPEAKER_02 (27:51):
That's beautiful.
What does a hard day look likefor you now compared to before
now that you've started learningcoping and healing?
SPEAKER_01 (27:59):
Hard day for me is uh it would look something like
I would only come um come out ofmy bed when I absolutely have to
for like using the restroom orsomething.
I will like not go to schoolsometimes.
Like I said, I still strugglewith some stuff just because my
emotions are I'm pretty sure I'mnot quite sure because it wasn't
fully diagnosed, but like I havea chemical imbalance in my brain
(28:20):
or something.
But my emotions get very out ofhand sometimes, and some days I
just I uh can't really find thestrength to go to school or
interact with other people.
So um sometimes I'll just stayhome and um just kind of rest
and I write poetry even on gooddays.
I write poetry anytime and itjust it makes me it makes me
(28:42):
very it ups it lifts my mood alot.
Because theater for theater, Ican't always I can't always go
to a rehearsal, but poetry isalways there for me to write my
my feelings down.
SPEAKER_02 (28:55):
That's really good.
Yeah, and I think that's growtheven if it's not perfect, but
you're like no moreself-harming, right?
So like the worst of it is justlike trying to get out of bed at
those moments.
SPEAKER_01 (29:06):
I'm seven months in something free of self-harm.
SPEAKER_02 (29:10):
You better go, Millie.
Yes I'm so proud of you.
I'm so, so proud of you.
Well, thank you.
That's beautiful.
Yeah, absolutely.
You said you're still figuringout who Millie really is.
What are you learning aboutyourself right now at this
moment?
SPEAKER_01 (29:27):
Well, I know that I I know for a fact that I am an
energetic person.
Yeah.
And that I like literature alot.
I will still sometimes mirrorother people's personalities
without like realizing it.
But in truth, I just think thatthat is because I want them to
like me.
SPEAKER_02 (29:46):
Yeah.
I think a lot of people do that.
A lot of people lean into whatother people are doing because
they want to belong.
They want to find the community,their tribe.
And I think that with time youwill find that community, you
will find that tribe.
Instead of mimicking whoeveryou're gonna say, I can be
Millie, I could be myself, andthey're gonna love me just the
way I am, and I fit in becauseuh I'm different and they're
(30:10):
different, and we embrace ourdifferences.
What do you love about yourselftoo?
SPEAKER_01 (30:14):
I really like my hair.
My hair is priorities.
SPEAKER_02 (30:17):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (30:18):
I am very proud of what of my writing skills.
Like I can I can write veryfast.
You love that.
Okay, okay, Millie.
SPEAKER_02 (30:29):
Mills with the pin, Mills with the writing.
Hey, look, artists for sure.
A young person is listening tothis right now, and they feel
the way you once felt.
What would you want them tohear?
SPEAKER_01 (30:42):
You are not alone.
I just hope that you know that.
Even if it feels like that, youare not alone.
And there are so many people outthere who love you.
Whatever religion that youbelieve in, if you even believe
in one, I'm sure that higherbeing loves you very, very, very
much.
Yeah, you're not alone, andthings do get better.
They absolutely do.
SPEAKER_02 (31:01):
I love that.
Thank you, Millie.
Um my last question for youtoday would be if you could sit
with younger Millie for amoment, what would you tell her?
SPEAKER_01 (31:10):
I would tell her that it's gonna get better and
for me to just push through andthat life is not easy because I
mean I don't think anyone hadtold me that back then.
So I think that if younger mecould hear that and like, yeah.
I don't really know.
SPEAKER_02 (31:29):
Yeah.
I think that's beautiful.
I think that's I think thatmatters, and I think younger
Millie would appreciate hearingthat.
Really, your story matters, yourvoice matters, and the courage
you have at 13 is extraordinary,and I just want to thank you so
much for just being so trustingwith me and with the Resilient
Spouths podcast on sharing yourstory, and I know it's gonna
(31:50):
encourage so many people.
Truly appreciate it.
Do you have any music out?
How can we support you?
How can the listeners tune in?
Or or are you writing anything?
If not, we'll look out for youin the future.
Don't you worry.
SPEAKER_01 (32:04):
So if you want to, you don't have to.
You could follow my my TikTok.
Okay.
What's the TikTok?
I'm like 99% sure it's MaggotEater in all lowercase, but it
might not be.
It could be uncooked tater tots.
No, it's it's I love ElasmoBrankies too.
SPEAKER_02 (32:22):
Okay, we're gonna put that in the notes on
wherever you hear a podcast, youwill be able to find Millie's
TikTok.
Millie, feel free to share your,you can show your TikTok now,
but I will put it in the notesbelow.
You can send it to me.
I love it.
Beautiful, beautiful.
I'm so excited to I'll followyou as well.
And if someone's listening todayand you're young and you're
(32:43):
hurting, I want you to know thatyou're not broken, you're not
alone, and your future is stillwide open.
If this episode resonated withyou, please share it with
somebody who needs it.
Follow the resilience filesunlocked on all platforms and
email us at resifiles atgmail.com if you have a
resilient story you'll like toshare.
Until next time, stay strong,stay healthy, stay hopeful, and
(33:05):
keep the resilience alive.
You got this.
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