June 4, 2026 • 38 mins
🎙️ Episode 8: From Cartel Chaos to Unbreakable Strength with Polly Betzner Walshin
What happens when you're born with Spina Bifida, grow up around the realities of cartel life, experience heartbreak, become a single mother, and still find the strength to keep moving forward?
In this powerful episode of The Resilience Files: Unlocked, Carrie Bernans sits down with Polly Betzner Walshin to discuss a life marked by adversity, resilience, and remarkable transformation.
Polly shares what it was like growing up in an environment shaped by crime, instability, and uncertainty, while navigating her own health challenges with Spina Bifida. She opens up about the emotional toll of becoming a single mother, the loneliness and heartbreak that followed, and the turning point that helped her reclaim her identity and purpose.
Through fitness, faith, determination, and an unwavering commitment to her daughter, Polly discovered a strength she never knew existed. Her story is a powerful reminder that your circumstances do not define your future—and that even in life's darkest seasons, healing and growth are possible.
In this episode, we discuss:
✨ Growing up around cartel activity and its impact on her childhood
✨ Living with Spina Bifida and overcoming physical challenges
✨ Navigating heartbreak and single motherhood
✨ Rebuilding confidence through fitness and bodybuilding
✨ Mental health, resilience, and self-discovery
✨ Finding purpose through adversity
✨ The lessons she hopes to pass on to her daughter
Whether you're facing your own challenges, rebuilding after loss, or searching for hope, Polly's story will remind you that resilience is often born in the moments we least expect.
🎧 Listen now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, YouTube, and wherever you get your podcasts.
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Instagram: @carriebernans
📲 Follow The Resilience Files:
Instagram: @theresiliencefilespodcast
If this episode inspired you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs encouragement today.
#TheResilienceFiles #CarrieBernans #PollyBetznerWalshin #Resilience #SingleMotherhood #SpinaBifida #Healing #PersonalGrowth #Podcast #OvercomingAdversity
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
We feel like a license w hand on fair card.
Instead of voting, you doubledown.
You stuck in the game.
You face battles.
You felt broken.
Hey, do us a favor.
Put your hand on your heart.
You feel that.
You're still here.
Welcome to the Resilience FilesUnlock, where survival is
(00:24):
transformation.
Welcome back to the ResilienceFiles Podcast.
I'm your host, Carrie Bernanz,actress Doug Woman, and I am so
excited about today's episode.
As you all know, this space wascreated for honest conversations
about survival, healing, faith,forgiveness, and choosing to
(00:47):
break cycles.
Trigger warning this episodeincludes discussions of
childhood trauma, addiction,suicide, and just please take
care of yourself whilelistening.
We want you to be inspired, butwe also care about you here at
the Resillion Styles.
So if this podcast is not foryou, feel free to send it to a
friend.
But if it is for you, sit in aplace where you can listen
(01:10):
calmly.
Today's guest is so special andher story, whoo, it's
phenomenal, guys.
Let's talk about it.
Look, her name is Polly.
Polly shares a powerful story ofgrowing up as a daughter of a
man connected to cartel activityand national scandal, losing her
(01:30):
father at a young age, and alsowalking by faith and ultimately
finding healing, forgiveness,and restoration.
We do here on the ResilienceFouse, we like to read our guest
essay and give you a littlepreview of their life.
And then we hop into theinterview part, and you'll hear
from Polly herself.
My name is Polly Bessner, andthere are a lot of things that
(01:52):
have happened throughout mylife.
I am the daughter of the largestdrug smuggler in U.S.
history.
My parents separated when I wassix months old, and my dad was
the crop duster.
On my seventh birthday, my dadkilled himself.
For the next nine years, Ibelieved he was dead.
However, there had been somekidnapping involved.
(02:15):
My school was shut down, and mymom and I were stalked.
We now know it was the cartel.
I later found out my dad wasalive through an article in
Arkansas.
I was born in a small town inEngland, Arkansas, and later
moved to New York to model andact, then to Los Angeles to
work, and later back to Atlantato go to college.
(02:37):
When I discovered my dad wasalive, I was living in Memphis.
The front page of the paper readGary Wayne Bessner indicted for
possession of a thousandkilograms of cocaine.
That is when I realized that allthose years, all the things that
had happened to my mom and mewere because my dad was involved
with the cartel.
(02:58):
He was also involved in the IranContra scandal and worked for
the CIA.
I went to see my dad in prisonover the next 12 years.
He was eventually released, andwe have begun to have an okay
relationship.
However, because of my daddyissues and the fact that I had
not done any healing yet, Ichose my first husband who was a
(03:20):
lot like my father.
He was also a drug addict.
We were married for eight yearsand had two beautiful children.
When we divorced, I had to raiseboth of my children pretty much
on my own.
The beautiful thing is that heand I are best friends now.
He is recovered and we all havea good relationship.
I have forgiven him, and myfaith is a big part of why I can
(03:42):
truly say I forgive you.
From age 16 to 35, I walked awayfrom my faith.
I had many crazy things happenafter my dad came back into my
life, and now I know it wasrebellion.
I was a deadhead.
I saw 350 grateful dad shows.
I was a stripper, I gracedcovers of NASCAR magazines, and
(04:04):
I did all kinds of things.
Now I know it was because I wasempty inside.
At 35, I found myself again withJesus.
At that time, I was raising twokids by myself, living in one
room at my mom's house, andgoing back to college while my
ex was on the streets.
I earned my master's degree ineducation and became a school
(04:25):
teacher.
My dad and my relationship keptgetting better and better.
After being divorced for 10years, I married husband number
two.
I'd still not have done theinner healing around my daddy
issues.
While we were married, I wrotethe book You Got Daddy Issues.
And the documentary, TheInvisible Pilot, came out.
My dad and I were able tocollaborate and tell a story of
(04:48):
what happened to him and usthroughout my life.
It was a beautiful story ofredemption.
After writing my book andthrough lots of healing and lots
of prayer, I realized myrelationship with husband number
two was also toxic.
I have forgiven him and we areno longer married.
I flew to Arkansas this summerand was able to forgive my
(05:10):
father.
My dad received Jesus, which wasbeautiful.
And he was completely healed ofheart failure.
My dad is one of my best friendsnow, which is amazing.
The one stable thing throughoutmy whole life, and the rock I
can point to besides God hasbeen my mother.
She was one of the founders ofFederal Express and a single mom
(05:32):
my entire life.
She is truly the reason there isso much joy, faithfulness, and
loyalty in my life.
She has helped me through all ofit.
Wow, what a beautiful story,Polly.
Oh my goodness.
Oh wow, girl, so much twists andturns in there.
A second.
(05:52):
Polly, first question.
How do you feel hearing yourstory read out loud?
SPEAKER_03 (05:58):
I was like, whoa, I wrote that really fast.
You know, like it was so easy towrite.
Because, like, I can remember myfirst time I ever wrote about my
dad was like when I was 16 in apsychology class.
He said, write about childhoodtrauma.
And had never told anyone mystory because we just moved to
New York City.
And I wrote it so fast, but itwas because it was on the tip of
(06:20):
my tongue because it was in thetip of my heart, you know.
So when I wrote that to you, Iwas like, whoa, look at this
story.
Like it's just right therebecause it's a habit, you know,
like I can play it back becauseof writing the book and all the
healing that I've gone throughlike over the past few years.
So yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (06:38):
Yeah.
Wow.
That's beautiful.
It's you said it's the tip of mytongue because it was the tip of
my story.
Let's take it back for a moment.
Your early childhood.
What do you remember most aboutyour early childhood?
SPEAKER_03 (06:52):
Well, I remember I have one vivid memory.
So when my parents got divorced,my dad, well, he was pretty
abusive to my mom.
She left him for he left, sheleft him because he was
cheating.
And I never hardly ever got tosee him.
So, like my last like vividmemory of him was like literally
on the tarmac in Memphis.
My mom drove us to the tarmacbecause remember she worked for
(07:12):
Federal Express, so she had likepermission to draw drive her car
on the tarmac.
And he pulled up and he got likeout of the airplane with like
this big giant like Jerry curlfrom back in the day.
Like he had this big perm,right?
And she had a coat on, and I wasin the car.
I was like five years old, andmy mom got out of the car to
like go get money, you know,like a check because we we were
(07:33):
broke, we didn't have any money.
And I remember getting back inthe car and I was like waving at
my dad, like, hey, like, andthat was like the last time on
my physical memory I had ofseeing my dad alive.
And my mom got back in the car,she's like, baby girl, we're
gonna be fine.
And it was like 1500 bucks.
I mean, the guy was like clearlyalready making money, not crop
(07:53):
dusting, you know?
And then that was my last time Isaw my dad alive until I saw him
in prison.
SPEAKER_00 (07:59):
Wow, wow.
I'm sorry to hear that.
That was your last experience ofseeing him.
Do you remember at that momenthow you felt as a child?
How old were you?
I was six.
SPEAKER_03 (08:11):
I was six, and my mom was like really awesome.
Like, she never ever datedanyone, you know, like because
she wanted to protect me.
And I think inside she knewbecause, like, when I was four
years old, she had a boyfriendand he sexually assaulted me.
But like, I never told my mom.
I never told my mom.
I never told my mom till I was21 because he was.
(08:32):
I mean, and that's just for yourlisteners out there.
Like, if you're a single parent,I'm not trying to make you be
afraid, but you know, you got tobe careful who you bring in your
house.
And my mom was like the sweetestwoman.
Like, she never would date anyweirdos, bring anybody around
me.
She trusted them.
And then when he did that, hetold me as a four-year-old that
he would kill my mom and I wouldhave to live with him.
(08:53):
So, like, I already had a lot oftrauma, like, not just from my
dad, from that, you know, and mymom being a single mom, having
to work all the time, like, youknow, 60, 70 hours a week, you
know, just to put like food onthe table.
So I had like already all thatstuff going on as a little kid
in my brain.
You know, I finally, you know,did therapy and told my mom, but
I was like 21 before I ever toldher.
SPEAKER_00 (09:15):
Oh, I'm so sorry that that was your experience.
And God bless your the youryounger child version of you.
And I hope this also serves as areminder to anybody that's
listening today to just bemindful of who you allow your
children to be around and toteach your kids to continue to
(09:35):
advocate for themselves even inthe midst of an adult that
threatens to kill or takesomething away from them to
still be able to speak up.
So that adult is held, you know,held to held accountable for
their their wrong actions.
So I'm sorry, that was yourexperience.
SPEAKER_03 (09:54):
I had lots of fun stuff too.
My grandparents started theDairy Queen, but it was like
dairy to light in Arkansas.
And like, you know, tons oftimes, like there cooking
cheeseburgers and malts downwith the Dairy Queen.
And my grandpa had a garden, andI spent a lot of time there.
I had like a lot of fun stuff,like, but those were the like
trauma.
SPEAKER_00 (10:12):
Yeah.
For sure.
And I think that two things cancoexist at the same time.
You can also have a fun life andalso go through trauma and
things that shouldn't exist haveexisted or you carry with you,
you know.
And, you know, at the end of theday, you're still a child and
you're still learning the worldand trying to understand who to
(10:32):
place your trust to.
Where's your space?
Where's your voice in thisworld?
So I still, you know, I stillextend my love there.
SPEAKER_03 (10:42):
Oh my gosh.
Really?
Honestly, like, not untilrecently.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, I always was like, what'sup with all these other kids?
I got a mom and a dad.
Like, I only got a mom.
Because I thought, like, youknow, when the pastor, the
pastor literally came to myhouse when I was seven, and it
was my birthday too, tell totell me my dad had killed him,
killed himself.
(11:03):
And so, like, I just went up tomy room and played Barbies, like
for like two days.
Like, that's all I wanted to dowas play with Barbies, you know?
And then I just went on withlife.
Like, my dad's dead, like mymom's a widow.
Like, I think I just kind of hadit like that when I was little,
but like a lot of really weird,random stuff would happen.
Like when I was talking aboutthe school getting shut down,
(11:26):
like aunts they like locked mein a room when I was like 12
before my dad came back to lifeand said, like, oh, there's a
kidnapping.
Someone called they want tokidnap you.
I was like, Who would want tokidnap me?
My mom and I don't have anymoney because I didn't know
about my dad yet, you know?
So lots of like weird stuff likethat happened.
SPEAKER_00 (11:43):
Wow, yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry that happened, butuh it's so it's such a you know
what's so interesting, is youstill being able to remember
these memories and just to showlike how significant they were
in your life during that momentand still that they carry a lot
of weight.
(12:03):
When you first discovered thatyour father was still alive
through the newspaper, how didyou even end up seeing that
newspaper?
SPEAKER_03 (12:12):
So Arkansas's tiny.
Like I lived in Memphis, but wewould drive over two hours to
England, Arkansas as a fellowMemphis girl, right?
So we would drive over toArkansas.
SPEAKER_00 (12:21):
Yes, Memphis.
SPEAKER_03 (12:24):
Anyway, um, we would drive over to Arkansas, and like
the little tiny newspaper waslike, so everybody was like,
Polly, oh my god, your daddy'salive.
I was like, what is happening?
But I remember like I was 15, Iwas always different than my
cousins.
Like I didn't have any siblings,but I had cousins and they
always stayed in Arkansas.
But I moved to Memphis, so I wasalways kind of different.
(12:45):
Like I was into punk rock early,I was really rebellious.
I was smoking pot at like 12.
Like my mom would take me tochurch on Sunday and Saturday
and Wednesday, but I was likedrinking alcohol behind her
back, and like I knew like, youknow, the Bible good enough.
Like I can't be slutty, but youknow, I can drink alcohol and
like Jesus won't be as upsetwith that.
You know, like my brain workedlike that as a little kid
(13:07):
because I had all this trauma.
Like I was like, okay, well, Iwon't like be promiscuous, but
like I'll smoke some weed andlike you know, get drunk.
You know what I mean?
Like, like I knew I wasdifferent than I thought I was
rebellious.
I didn't know like my real thingwas that was so much pain.
But when I found that out when Iwas 15, I remember looking at my
mom, like, what happened?
(13:28):
And then those half siblings,the one that my dad got this
other woman pregnant and marriedher, they actually went with my
dad.
So, like, there was no internetor anything back then.
So, like, I didn't know how toget in touch with them.
But then once I found out, like,they knew the whole time, I saw
them like once or twice when mydad was dead, but they never
(13:49):
told me.
And so I remember thinking, whydidn't he pick me?
Was that so ugly?
Maybe it was because I was sucha bad kid.
Maybe, but maybe um I didn'ttalk right, or maybe I didn't
dress right.
Like as a 15-year-old, I waslike, Yeah, it's not your
thought.
SPEAKER_00 (14:03):
I know, but that's how and then like Yeah, but it
was not a thought at all.
SPEAKER_03 (14:08):
Yeah, but that but like as a teenager, that's what
I thought.
And then I became bulimic andlike really got into drugs to
like self-hurt myself because Ijust didn't have the
comprehension, like it hadnothing to do with me, like at
that age.
And then my mom took me to um, Iwas like, we're gonna go see my
dad.
And so she took me toJacksonville, Florida, and like
(14:29):
he wasn't only arrested for athousand kilos of cocaine, he
was also arrested for beinginvolved with the whole thing
with the iron contra scandal.
So, like his story, like made inAmerica, is literally my dad's
story.
Like, Barry Seals is not a realhe he that is his story, like
they took his story, that's hisstory.
Like, look up Gary WayneBetzner, go on YouTube, look up
(14:52):
him in front of the CNN in frontof the investigative hearing and
be like, oh my god, like that'shis story.
Like, you know what I mean?
But I remember going to jail andthey had him like in this really
weird like room, like a libraryand a lawyer's office, and they
brought him in and handcuffs onhis feet.
And I remember like looking atthe bailiff, I was like 15 years
(15:15):
old, you know.
I said, Listen, I thought mydaddy was dead for the past 10
years.
Like, I need to hug my dad.
Like, you need to take thosehandcuffs off my dad so I can
hug my dad.
And they did it because he was aflight risk because he was so
famous, you know.
And they did his handcuffs andhe hugged me and he was like, I
love you.
I'm so sorry.
Like, I wanted to tell you, butI thought they would kidnap you.
(15:37):
I was like, Oh, that's who thosetwo cartel members were that
showed up at our houseunexpected in one of the
pictures of me when I was 15.
Like it all started makingsense.
My mom slept with a gun underher pillow, like weirdos would
follow me home from school, likeall this really weird stuff
would happen.
It all made sense.
And that hug, it all made sense,you know?
SPEAKER_00 (15:58):
Yeah.
Absolutely.
My goodness, my girl.
Wow.
That was a lot for a child toprocess and to go from childhood
to, you know, your adulthood andthat mix of that process you
were going through so much.
What did it feel like to finallyhear your dad say, I'm sorry, I
(16:20):
didn't want you involved in anyof this, and that that's the
reason that he didn't he didn'thave you a part of that?
SPEAKER_03 (16:29):
I was really at that age too immature to get it.
I was like just too way tooimmature to get any of it.
You know what I mean?
Like I just was too little toeven hear that.
All I could hear is why didn'tall I could hear in my brain
was, why didn't you take me?
Aw.
You know, that's all I can hearin my brain, is why couldn't you
(16:49):
take me?
But now that I'm older and I'vedone a lot more therapy and a
lot more inner healing, thatlittle 15-year-old girl is
thinking, like, so if there'sany young people listening to
this podcast and your dad or momare still alive and they did
things to you that weren'tcorrect, if they say they're
sorry and at this age,regardless if they continue to
act crappy, they continue to letyou down, understand that you've
(17:14):
got to take that I'm sorry.
That doesn't mean that you haveto like put up with bad
behavior, but you've got toaccept that inside your soul so
that you don't spend the next 30years of your life trying to get
I'm sorry from your dad.
Do you see what I mean?
Because that's been the next 25years, like not really grasping
what he told me when I was 15.
SPEAKER_00 (17:35):
Yeah.
That makes sense.
And I'm so yeah, thank you forsaying that.
So if anybody is listeningtoday, like even sometimes the
sorry is just so you can removethat weight off of your
shoulders and allow yourself tomove forward.
I want to talk about thattransition of you finally saw
(17:57):
your father in prison and nowyou're here, but it doesn't
completely heal those childhoodwounds that your father left you
and it led into therelationships that you had.
unknown (18:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (18:08):
And you talked about it affecting the relationships,
like the influence of your dad'srelationships ended up with your
influence on your romanticchoices.
When did you realize that thiswas a pattern that existed with
who you chose and why you chosethem?
SPEAKER_02 (18:24):
On number two.
On husband number two is what Ifinally realized.
SPEAKER_03 (18:28):
Like, whoa, pattern, you know, like when I was 26,
let's see, I moved to uh umNewport Beach when I was 18.
And I started acting and Istarted doing a whole bunch of
stuff, but I also starteddabbling in drugs, and I started
following the grateful dead, andmy mom was like, We this girl is
gonna die, we gotta get out ofhere.
So that's why I went to Atlanta,but I still didn't.
(18:51):
You can move yourself out of aproblem, but unless you heal the
root, you're never gonna followyou.
But I still had that emptiness,so I still did drugs in Atlanta,
and so I went to college, but Iwas still partying, and I you
know, stopped going to theGrateful Dead shows, but started
becoming a stripper, and myboyfriend was a cocaine dealer,
(19:11):
and I was like, this is awesome.
I didn't even like I didn't evenhave the brain power to think
like that was wrong.
Well, we definitely weren't inchurch anymore either.
And we dated and ourrelationship was pretty toxic
even when we were dating, but Ijust was like, oh yeah, he's
gonna make such a good husband.
Like his parents are stillmarried.
That's was my whole thing.
(19:32):
Like, his parents are stillmarried, we're gonna stay
married forever.
And he's I got pregnant likeimmediately, and he kept
partying.
So we like left Atlanta andmoved to San Diego to get away
from all that craziness.
But you know, unless you healthe inside, it's just gonna
follow you.
So we when I came to San Diego,we had a pretty tumultuous
(19:54):
relationship, and we ended upgetting divorced.
And you know, that's when Imoved in with my mom, and he
kind of had a drug problem, andI became a single mom for real
with no income coming in, youknow.
Stayed single for 10 years,lived at my mom's for seven
years with both kids, you know,and like went back to school
(20:15):
full time, became a schoolteacher, like I was a sole
breadwinner, and thank God formy mom.
But then when number two camealong, I still hadn't done a lot
of therapy.
I still hadn't really graspedlike who I am as a person or who
God created me to be or any ofthose things.
I was in survival mode.
And I was like, oh yay, he lovesme, he wants to move me out,
(20:36):
like like a Prince Charming, youknow?
So I didn't even like take timeto smell the fruit.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, when you're dating, youneed to see if there's fruit
there.
Like, is he stable?
Does he have an income?
Does he love God?
Does he have the same values youhave?
Does he have a good relationshipwith his family?
(20:56):
Like, girl, Google him.
Google him.
Yeah, absolutely.
But I did all that, and I waslike, you know what?
He's a good person.
Like, he knows me from when Iwas 18, when we were deadheads,
like it's meant to be.
I saw the red flags, but I justglossed right over them because
I still had not gotten throughthe stuff in my soul.
SPEAKER_00 (21:17):
You know, that makes a lot of sense through all that.
Several things there, and thankyou for sharing this.
Is that when you left San Diegoto move to Atlanta, and then all
of a sudden, like you said,those same patterns repeated
itself because the healing comesfrom the inside.
It's not just because you putyourself in a completely
different state situation thatall of a sudden things are gonna
(21:40):
drastically change for you.
It was that it you really neededto be pruned and to sniff those
like bad weeds away and thenplace yourself in a new
environment.
But I wanted to know you alsomentioned that you all were
going to church a lot in yourchildhood.
And then all of a sudden, youfound yourself to not go to
church at all.
What calls you to want?
(22:00):
Walk away from God in the firstplace?
SPEAKER_03 (22:02):
Well, my mom had a a guy when I was like 16 and we
moved up to New York.
And she kind of walked away fromGod.
And then when we moved to NewYork, we didn't find a church.
And then we moved to California.
She didn't really go to churchbecause she was kind of in this
kind of toxic relationship withthis man.
And then when we moved toAtlanta, I was, you know, wild
now.
Now I'm like on one, you know,I'm in college.
(22:23):
I'm why I wasn't looking forchurch.
I didn't even think aboutchurch.
And my mom wasn't going.
Like, you know, so because shewasn't going, I wasn't going.
I just like I never, I think Ifelt so much shame as a kid.
Like that I was so wild.
And I went to like a veryreligious church, like Southern
Baptist.
And that I thought, like, I wasso bad, like that Jesus wouldn't
(22:45):
love me, like, cause I was justtoo messed up.
That's why I think I didn't lookfor church because I felt like
church would judge me.
I didn't understand the truelove of God.
I only understood that churchwould judge me, and I was too
bad to go to church.
That's what happened.
SPEAKER_00 (23:02):
Yeah, thank you.
During that process of youfeeling like all that, then when
did you feel like you hit rockbottom and said, God, I need
you, and that you wanted to likereignite that faith in your life
again?
SPEAKER_03 (23:17):
So after my divorce and I moved in with my mom, it
was like every the kids werewith me every other weekend
until my ex-husband, you know,he's doing great now, by the
way.
We're like best friends.
We have a very goodrelationship, like we're
forgiving each other, like allthe things, right?
But when he, before he becamedisplaced and he wasn't doing
good again, like I had a weekendwhere I was like the weekend
(23:39):
warrior mom, you know?
And I went out one weekend, Ihad a boyfriend, and like um,
you know, I didn't have thekids, and I took a bunch of
drugs.
Like, I was I just thought I washaving a good time.
I did like cocaine, ecstasy,like anything I could get my
hands on.
And my boyfriend was throwing upall over the bar.
Like, I was like, I gotta gethim out of here.
I literally put him 250-pounddude on my back in stilettos and
(24:01):
walked out of the bar to put himin the car.
Here's Caretaker Girl, put himin the car so nobody could find
him, and I died.
I died.
I died.
I went like left my yeah, I diedon the sidewalk.
And the last thing I rememberedwas like looking down at my body
in the ambulance, and all thesepeople were crying.
And I woke up in the hospitalroom with like tubes down my
(24:24):
throat, and they're like, She'shere.
Like I remember like the lightcoming to my eye, she's here.
I was like, what is happening?
Because I had the thing down mythroat, and they're like, Oh,
you've been dead on and off allnight.
I was like, Oh.
So they took the thing out of mythroat, and the minute they left
the room, like found someclothes in the corner because
they weren't mine because theyhad cut all my clothes off, and
(24:45):
I like ran to church because Ihad been taking the kids to
church every other weekend.
Like, I was still doing church,you know what I mean?
I wasn't like walking it, I wasdoing it.
But I was showing up on Sundayfor my kids, but I wasn't doing
it for me.
And I remember seeing my pastor,and he came to me and he had
just grabbed me.
He had no idea, and I had likebruises on my chest, like he
couldn't see them, right?
(25:05):
My my eyes must have been likethis.
And he was like, Polly, when areyou gonna start stop getting so
close to God and what purpose hehas for your life and going down
here?
You know, one of these days youjust might die.
I was like, How did he knowthat?
That was it, that was it.
I was like, that had to be theHoly Spirit because nobody told
this guy I was literally deadlast night, you know.
(25:26):
And then yeah, walk of faithback with the Lord, you know.
I mean, I have I've I haven'thad any mess ups like that in
the last 20 years, butdefinitely, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (25:36):
Wow, yeah.
Woo! I mean, being that close todeath and being yet dead,
technically, and wondering, youcould have not woken up.
I'm happy that you're here withus to share this story.
What did you feel like when yousaid because I think that a lot
of people do this, right?
They go in and they it's likethey go to the gym and they just
swipe their cards, they checkin, they look around and say,
(25:57):
Okay, I've been here.
All right, I'm out, you know,and it's just like this like
check mark thing and looking atchurch like that check mark
thing.
Do you when you chose to takeyour kids to church during that
time, it was it because yousaid, I know that something
exists here and I want the kidsto experience it, even if I
don't fully understand it orlike it right now.
(26:18):
And then were you feeling likewhen you were still doing
cocaine and other drugs, wasthat just another cry out to God
or cry out to you filling thisvoid of just like life at that
moment?
Or how do you feel?
Well, nothing.
SPEAKER_03 (26:36):
How were you feeling?
Like now I know that that waslike this personality thing that
I had.
It was like one foot in theworld and one foot at church
because that's what I had donemy whole life.
I got molested by the guy, but Iwould just say happy, so my mom
didn't know.
I would do drugs and party, butI'd be great at school.
Like I had this whole life oflike two sides of me because I
(26:57):
had had so much trauma as a kidand I hadn't like repaired my
soul yet that when I went backto church, I knew it was what
was best for my kids.
I knew when I was little, Iremember when I got saved when I
sit was six.
I never, I just had that feelingthe Holy Spirit just washing
over my whole body when I wassix when I got saved.
And I wanted my kids to feelthat safety of a father in
(27:20):
heaven, of what I felt when Iwas little.
Even though I didn't felt like Iwas worthy, I wanted my kids to
feel that.
But I didn't, I knew going tochurch, I was still sin and like
active sin, hardcore.
But I knew I knew that God lovedme anyway.
I was starting to get that Godloved me anyway and he would
clean me up eventually.
(27:41):
And that he would put my brokenvase back together.
It's like my whole life has beenthis vase of just shatter,
shatter, shatter, shatter.
But slowly, what God does overtime is he gets gold, you know,
and he starts to put that vaseback together.
And it's so much more beautifulthan if you just had the vase
from the original.
(28:02):
Those broken pieces are whatlike help us help other people
that have been through whateverwe've gone through.
So even though I've gone throughlike so much in my life, I know
that it was all for a purpose tohelp, you know, a younger girl
like say, Hey, no, your dad didnot leave you, little girl.
He just left.
(28:22):
When I wrote my book in 2022,that was like when all the
pieces started coming together.
And I was like, when I wrotethat one sentence, I just
literally just wrote that onesentence.
My dad didn't leave me, he justleft.
SPEAKER_02 (28:34):
Woo! I was like, oh, whoa, what?
SPEAKER_00 (28:38):
You know, yeah.
Let's talk about that becauseyou talked about how God, you
know, you kept going and youkept realizing, well, God is
gonna forgive me and I'm gonnachange and things will happen,
and talking about forgivenesswith God, but also talking about
forgiveness with your physicalfather that was on earth.
(29:01):
What led you to forgiving him?
And then you wrote the book.
So, what led you to say, like,I'm done, I'm tired, I wanna
forgive you?
Was it for you?
Was it for him?
Was it for all of it?
SPEAKER_03 (29:14):
So I had already forgiven him, but I didn't
really, because I kept pickingthe same guys.
If I really had forgiven him, Iwouldn't have picked the same
men twice.
You know what I mean?
So when I wrote the book, whenthe plant happened and
everything was shut down, Iwrote the book and then I flew
to Arkansas.
And I met with my dad, andliterally the first page says
dedicated to the survivors of anarcissistic parent.
(29:37):
So my dad, I got the book, andI'm like, I'm here I am with the
biggest, baddest drug dealerever in history, right?
Like literally, he was thebiggest.
And I said, Daddy, I said, I amnot gonna publish this book, and
nobody's gonna ever read itunless you say it's okay.
He's like, Well, why should I dothat?
Why should I be okay with thisbook, Polly?
I said, Well, Dad, you caneither A go down in history as
(29:58):
the biggest, baddest drug dealerever, or B, you can go down in
history as helping little girlslike me forgive their dads and
have peace.
He's like, I choose the secondone.
I was like, All right.
And then this summer, and thenthat was the beginning.
And then when he was reallysick, um, when he was really
sick this past August, myactually my ex-husband, my kid's
(30:20):
dad, bought my plane ticket togo home because I'm a school
teacher and I don't have a wholelot of money, you know.
And I flew home and my dad waslike laying in the hospital bed,
and he's like, Why are you here?
I go, Because I love you, dad.
He's like, Nobody else came.
I mean, he's got a great wife,but she was, you know, tired.
And he goes, Will you lay downnext to me?
(30:41):
I thought, this is so weird.
And my dad, he's he's like, he'slike, I just want to tell you,
Polly, he's like, I am so sorryfor what I did to you.
Like, will you ever forgive me?
Like, I just wanted to know you,and oh my god.
Even just like thinking abouthim saying that to me, he said,
when he said, Please forgive me,I missed, I missed all these
(31:03):
times.
I knew that he had more regretthan I ever did.
And like I totally forgave him,and it's like my heart got
healed that night.
And then the next morning islike when he accepted the Lord
for himself, and they gave him aweek to live, and I got the like
gift to be able to pray for mydad, and he was completely
(31:24):
healed that night.
His swelling in his feet wentdown.
They did an EKG of his heartthat night.
The doctors came in the nextmorning.
They said, We don't know whathappened.
Is EKG's perfect?
He can go home.
Like they literally, he wassupposed to die that weekend.
This was almost this was likeWow, look at God.
You know.
SPEAKER_00 (31:44):
So yeah, you know what?
I think that the forgivenesswasn't approval per se, but it
was a release, you know, and itwas it was designed that you
needed to be there at thatmoment.
And I'm so happy that yourfather was being able to be
(32:04):
gifted with your presencebecause you didn't have to
forgive him.
You didn't have to show up, butyou did.
And I just want to say, like, Ithink that's so beautiful.
Somebody is listening today andthey may be wondering like if
they should restart arelationship with their father,
or if they should forgive them,or maybe their mother, whoever
that was for them, and they'regonna hear your story and and
(32:26):
they're gonna maybe feel led tofinally forgive.
And um, and just to imagine thatyour prayer, like it was it took
your prayer to set everythingfree.
But also, like you said, yourfather carried so much as well,
and he couldn't express it, butat that moment, God knew what I
knew what needed to happen.
(32:47):
Yeah, well, he was I want toknow, Polly.
What so sorry, say that again.
SPEAKER_03 (32:52):
My dad was super abused by his father when he was
younger, so like he had so muchunresolved pain inside himself,
you know what I mean?
It was cyclical for him, so Iknew that.
So, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (33:02):
Wow, Polly, if you could speak to your younger
self.
unknown (33:06):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (33:06):
Now that you've known all of this that you've
been through, but at the timeyou were obviously you were very
afraid and you were confused andyou were alone and you were
asking God why, right?
But if you could speak to youryounger self right now, what
would you tell her?
SPEAKER_03 (33:24):
You know that song uh called Dear Younger Me.
I literally just preached at achurch like about three weeks
ago, and I had all the womenwrite a letter to their younger
self.
So I encourage your podcastviewers to write a letter to
their younger selves, forgivingyourself.
I would tell little Polly that Iwas named after my grandmother,
that you were wanted, you werechosen, you were always loved,
(33:48):
you're protected, it's not yourfault.
There's nothing wrong with you,that you're beautiful, that
you're smart, that you're gonnabe okay, that the road might be
bumpy, but you're gonna be okay,and that God loves you so much
that you just need to put onefoot in front of the other and
(34:10):
don't get caught up in the worldbecause the world's not gonna
ever bring you happiness.
You just need to keep your footon my path and that I'm gonna
show you the best road ever.
And I know that if I wouldn't,if I would have heard those when
I was little, I wouldn't havethe story now to help so many
people, but it would haveprobably saved me a lot of
hardship, you know?
But like I would have told myyounger self that.
SPEAKER_00 (34:32):
So beautiful.
I think your story definitelyshows us not only where we can
start and that the time is now,but that healing is possible no
matter what stage of life you'reat.
Um, you wrote a book and I wantyou to tell us about that book
and how we can access that bookand and who was this book for
younger probably, or who wasthis for?
I'm sure it's for for everyone,you know, that are experiencing
(34:55):
things like this.
But tell us more.
SPEAKER_03 (34:57):
I just I didn't know who it was for.
I just knew I needed to dosomething, you know.
Um, it's called You Got DaddyIssues.
I have a website, it's www.yougot daddyissues.com.
Um, so my ultimate goal is tolike not have to teach forever,
is to go around and help peoplewith their daddy issues and do
like a little daddy issues cafeand like go different places
(35:18):
selling my book.
But I want to build like soccerfields in Mexico and
impoverished churches and callthem daddy fields.
Like that's like a big heartdesire of mine for to see kids
play.
I love that.
And so I wrote the book to healmyself, really.
(35:39):
And in that healing process, Iknow that people reading it, it
it'll heal them too.
SPEAKER_00 (35:44):
Yeah, it definitely will.
Well, you all heard you gotdaddyissues.com.
We'll put the links andeverything below so you can get
a book.
And if you don't feel like it'sfor yourself, maybe it's for
someone you know.
You know, you sometimes got thatgirlfriend or your guy friend or
whoever that calls and say, likethis, this, and this, and you
(36:04):
know that healing is near forthem or near for you, and that
this book is the one-step way ofgetting closer to that healing
journey for you.
If you're listening to thisstory and you're carrying family
wounds, you're not doomed torepeat them.
You can be the one who breaksthe cycle, like Polly has.
(36:24):
Know that you are loved and thatyou are cared for.
And Polly, any last words thatyou want to leave the listeners
today?
SPEAKER_03 (36:32):
Yeah, two.
You can watch the documentaryabout my dad called The
Invisible Pilot, and I'm in it.
It tells like his whole crazyadventure story.
Like that's the adventure side.
So watch that.
But the biggest thing I can tellthem is wherever you are in your
life, whether you're 12, you'resix, you're 80, let your mess,
whatever mess has happened inyour life, be your message to
(36:54):
set other people free.
That's your goal in life.
Let your mess be your message toset other people free.
That's the goal.
SPEAKER_00 (37:02):
I love that.
Let your mess be your message toset other people free.
That's so beautiful.
Where can we find your um thedocumentary?
Where is it located?
SPEAKER_03 (37:12):
Like Hulu, Netflix, YouTube, it's everywhere.
SPEAKER_00 (37:15):
Amazing.
But we'll put the links belowfor anyone.
Hopefully, everyone goes andwatched the documentary.
Let's let's tune in, let'ssupport Polly and sharing her
story that's impacting theworld.
If this episode has impactingyou, or if you know it would
definitely inspire and impactanother person, share this
episode with someone who needshope.
Follow the resilience filesunlocked on anywhere social
(37:38):
media takes place and whereveryou are listening.
And feel free to email us atresifiles at gmail.com if you
have a resilience story.
We appreciate Polly for beinghere on this episode with us.
Yeah.
Send this to someone that needsit.
I'm Carrie Bernanz.
This has been the ResilienceFiles Unlocked.
(37:58):
Thank you and have a great day.
We feel like a license w hand on fair card.
Instead of voting, you doubledown.
You stuck in the game.
You face battles.
You felt broken.
Hey, do us a favor.
Put your hand on your heart.
You feel that.
You're still here.
Welcome to the Resilience FilesUnlock, where survival is
(00:24):
transformation.
Welcome back to the ResilienceFiles Podcast.
I'm your host, Carrie Bernanz,actress Doug Woman, and I am so
excited about today's episode.
As you all know, this space wascreated for honest conversations
about survival, healing, faith,forgiveness, and choosing to
(00:47):
break cycles.
Trigger warning this episodeincludes discussions of
childhood trauma, addiction,suicide, and just please take
care of yourself whilelistening.
We want you to be inspired, butwe also care about you here at
the Resillion Styles.
So if this podcast is not foryou, feel free to send it to a
friend.
But if it is for you, sit in aplace where you can listen
(01:10):
calmly.
Today's guest is so special andher story, whoo, it's
phenomenal, guys.
Let's talk about it.
Look, her name is Polly.
Polly shares a powerful story ofgrowing up as a daughter of a
man connected to cartel activityand national scandal, losing her
(01:30):
father at a young age, and alsowalking by faith and ultimately
finding healing, forgiveness,and restoration.
We do here on the ResilienceFouse, we like to read our guest
essay and give you a littlepreview of their life.
And then we hop into theinterview part, and you'll hear
from Polly herself.
My name is Polly Bessner, andthere are a lot of things that
(01:52):
have happened throughout mylife.
I am the daughter of the largestdrug smuggler in U.S.
history.
My parents separated when I wassix months old, and my dad was
the crop duster.
On my seventh birthday, my dadkilled himself.
For the next nine years, Ibelieved he was dead.
However, there had been somekidnapping involved.
(02:15):
My school was shut down, and mymom and I were stalked.
We now know it was the cartel.
I later found out my dad wasalive through an article in
Arkansas.
I was born in a small town inEngland, Arkansas, and later
moved to New York to model andact, then to Los Angeles to
work, and later back to Atlantato go to college.
(02:37):
When I discovered my dad wasalive, I was living in Memphis.
The front page of the paper readGary Wayne Bessner indicted for
possession of a thousandkilograms of cocaine.
That is when I realized that allthose years, all the things that
had happened to my mom and mewere because my dad was involved
with the cartel.
(02:58):
He was also involved in the IranContra scandal and worked for
the CIA.
I went to see my dad in prisonover the next 12 years.
He was eventually released, andwe have begun to have an okay
relationship.
However, because of my daddyissues and the fact that I had
not done any healing yet, Ichose my first husband who was a
(03:20):
lot like my father.
He was also a drug addict.
We were married for eight yearsand had two beautiful children.
When we divorced, I had to raiseboth of my children pretty much
on my own.
The beautiful thing is that heand I are best friends now.
He is recovered and we all havea good relationship.
I have forgiven him, and myfaith is a big part of why I can
(03:42):
truly say I forgive you.
From age 16 to 35, I walked awayfrom my faith.
I had many crazy things happenafter my dad came back into my
life, and now I know it wasrebellion.
I was a deadhead.
I saw 350 grateful dad shows.
I was a stripper, I gracedcovers of NASCAR magazines, and
(04:04):
I did all kinds of things.
Now I know it was because I wasempty inside.
At 35, I found myself again withJesus.
At that time, I was raising twokids by myself, living in one
room at my mom's house, andgoing back to college while my
ex was on the streets.
I earned my master's degree ineducation and became a school
(04:25):
teacher.
My dad and my relationship keptgetting better and better.
After being divorced for 10years, I married husband number
two.
I'd still not have done theinner healing around my daddy
issues.
While we were married, I wrotethe book You Got Daddy Issues.
And the documentary, TheInvisible Pilot, came out.
My dad and I were able tocollaborate and tell a story of
(04:48):
what happened to him and usthroughout my life.
It was a beautiful story ofredemption.
After writing my book andthrough lots of healing and lots
of prayer, I realized myrelationship with husband number
two was also toxic.
I have forgiven him and we areno longer married.
I flew to Arkansas this summerand was able to forgive my
(05:10):
father.
My dad received Jesus, which wasbeautiful.
And he was completely healed ofheart failure.
My dad is one of my best friendsnow, which is amazing.
The one stable thing throughoutmy whole life, and the rock I
can point to besides God hasbeen my mother.
She was one of the founders ofFederal Express and a single mom
(05:32):
my entire life.
She is truly the reason there isso much joy, faithfulness, and
loyalty in my life.
She has helped me through all ofit.
Wow, what a beautiful story,Polly.
Oh my goodness.
Oh wow, girl, so much twists andturns in there.
A second.
(05:52):
Polly, first question.
How do you feel hearing yourstory read out loud?
SPEAKER_03 (05:58):
I was like, whoa, I wrote that really fast.
You know, like it was so easy towrite.
Because, like, I can remember myfirst time I ever wrote about my
dad was like when I was 16 in apsychology class.
He said, write about childhoodtrauma.
And had never told anyone mystory because we just moved to
New York City.
And I wrote it so fast, but itwas because it was on the tip of
(06:20):
my tongue because it was in thetip of my heart, you know.
So when I wrote that to you, Iwas like, whoa, look at this
story.
Like it's just right therebecause it's a habit, you know,
like I can play it back becauseof writing the book and all the
healing that I've gone throughlike over the past few years.
So yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (06:38):
Yeah.
Wow.
That's beautiful.
It's you said it's the tip of mytongue because it was the tip of
my story.
Let's take it back for a moment.
Your early childhood.
What do you remember most aboutyour early childhood?
SPEAKER_03 (06:52):
Well, I remember I have one vivid memory.
So when my parents got divorced,my dad, well, he was pretty
abusive to my mom.
She left him for he left, sheleft him because he was
cheating.
And I never hardly ever got tosee him.
So, like my last like vividmemory of him was like literally
on the tarmac in Memphis.
My mom drove us to the tarmacbecause remember she worked for
(07:12):
Federal Express, so she had likepermission to draw drive her car
on the tarmac.
And he pulled up and he got likeout of the airplane with like
this big giant like Jerry curlfrom back in the day.
Like he had this big perm,right?
And she had a coat on, and I wasin the car.
I was like five years old, andmy mom got out of the car to
like go get money, you know,like a check because we we were
(07:33):
broke, we didn't have any money.
And I remember getting back inthe car and I was like waving at
my dad, like, hey, like, andthat was like the last time on
my physical memory I had ofseeing my dad alive.
And my mom got back in the car,she's like, baby girl, we're
gonna be fine.
And it was like 1500 bucks.
I mean, the guy was like clearlyalready making money, not crop
(07:53):
dusting, you know?
And then that was my last time Isaw my dad alive until I saw him
in prison.
SPEAKER_00 (07:59):
Wow, wow.
I'm sorry to hear that.
That was your last experience ofseeing him.
Do you remember at that momenthow you felt as a child?
How old were you?
I was six.
SPEAKER_03 (08:11):
I was six, and my mom was like really awesome.
Like, she never ever datedanyone, you know, like because
she wanted to protect me.
And I think inside she knewbecause, like, when I was four
years old, she had a boyfriendand he sexually assaulted me.
But like, I never told my mom.
I never told my mom.
I never told my mom till I was21 because he was.
(08:32):
I mean, and that's just for yourlisteners out there.
Like, if you're a single parent,I'm not trying to make you be
afraid, but you know, you got tobe careful who you bring in your
house.
And my mom was like the sweetestwoman.
Like, she never would date anyweirdos, bring anybody around
me.
She trusted them.
And then when he did that, hetold me as a four-year-old that
he would kill my mom and I wouldhave to live with him.
(08:53):
So, like, I already had a lot oftrauma, like, not just from my
dad, from that, you know, and mymom being a single mom, having
to work all the time, like, youknow, 60, 70 hours a week, you
know, just to put like food onthe table.
So I had like already all thatstuff going on as a little kid
in my brain.
You know, I finally, you know,did therapy and told my mom, but
I was like 21 before I ever toldher.
SPEAKER_00 (09:15):
Oh, I'm so sorry that that was your experience.
And God bless your the youryounger child version of you.
And I hope this also serves as areminder to anybody that's
listening today to just bemindful of who you allow your
children to be around and toteach your kids to continue to
(09:35):
advocate for themselves even inthe midst of an adult that
threatens to kill or takesomething away from them to
still be able to speak up.
So that adult is held, you know,held to held accountable for
their their wrong actions.
So I'm sorry, that was yourexperience.
SPEAKER_03 (09:54):
I had lots of fun stuff too.
My grandparents started theDairy Queen, but it was like
dairy to light in Arkansas.
And like, you know, tons oftimes, like there cooking
cheeseburgers and malts downwith the Dairy Queen.
And my grandpa had a garden, andI spent a lot of time there.
I had like a lot of fun stuff,like, but those were the like
trauma.
SPEAKER_00 (10:12):
Yeah.
For sure.
And I think that two things cancoexist at the same time.
You can also have a fun life andalso go through trauma and
things that shouldn't exist haveexisted or you carry with you,
you know.
And, you know, at the end of theday, you're still a child and
you're still learning the worldand trying to understand who to
(10:32):
place your trust to.
Where's your space?
Where's your voice in thisworld?
So I still, you know, I stillextend my love there.
SPEAKER_03 (10:42):
Oh my gosh.
Really?
Honestly, like, not untilrecently.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, I always was like, what'sup with all these other kids?
I got a mom and a dad.
Like, I only got a mom.
Because I thought, like, youknow, when the pastor, the
pastor literally came to myhouse when I was seven, and it
was my birthday too, tell totell me my dad had killed him,
killed himself.
(11:03):
And so, like, I just went up tomy room and played Barbies, like
for like two days.
Like, that's all I wanted to dowas play with Barbies, you know?
And then I just went on withlife.
Like, my dad's dead, like mymom's a widow.
Like, I think I just kind of hadit like that when I was little,
but like a lot of really weird,random stuff would happen.
Like when I was talking aboutthe school getting shut down,
(11:26):
like aunts they like locked mein a room when I was like 12
before my dad came back to lifeand said, like, oh, there's a
kidnapping.
Someone called they want tokidnap you.
I was like, Who would want tokidnap me?
My mom and I don't have anymoney because I didn't know
about my dad yet, you know?
So lots of like weird stuff likethat happened.
SPEAKER_00 (11:43):
Wow, yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry that happened, butuh it's so it's such a you know
what's so interesting, is youstill being able to remember
these memories and just to showlike how significant they were
in your life during that momentand still that they carry a lot
of weight.
(12:03):
When you first discovered thatyour father was still alive
through the newspaper, how didyou even end up seeing that
newspaper?
SPEAKER_03 (12:12):
So Arkansas's tiny.
Like I lived in Memphis, but wewould drive over two hours to
England, Arkansas as a fellowMemphis girl, right?
So we would drive over toArkansas.
SPEAKER_00 (12:21):
Yes, Memphis.
SPEAKER_03 (12:24):
Anyway, um, we would drive over to Arkansas, and like
the little tiny newspaper waslike, so everybody was like,
Polly, oh my god, your daddy'salive.
I was like, what is happening?
But I remember like I was 15, Iwas always different than my
cousins.
Like I didn't have any siblings,but I had cousins and they
always stayed in Arkansas.
But I moved to Memphis, so I wasalways kind of different.
(12:45):
Like I was into punk rock early,I was really rebellious.
I was smoking pot at like 12.
Like my mom would take me tochurch on Sunday and Saturday
and Wednesday, but I was likedrinking alcohol behind her
back, and like I knew like, youknow, the Bible good enough.
Like I can't be slutty, but youknow, I can drink alcohol and
like Jesus won't be as upsetwith that.
You know, like my brain workedlike that as a little kid
(13:07):
because I had all this trauma.
Like I was like, okay, well, Iwon't like be promiscuous, but
like I'll smoke some weed andlike you know, get drunk.
You know what I mean?
Like, like I knew I wasdifferent than I thought I was
rebellious.
I didn't know like my real thingwas that was so much pain.
But when I found that out when Iwas 15, I remember looking at my
mom, like, what happened?
(13:28):
And then those half siblings,the one that my dad got this
other woman pregnant and marriedher, they actually went with my
dad.
So, like, there was no internetor anything back then.
So, like, I didn't know how toget in touch with them.
But then once I found out, like,they knew the whole time, I saw
them like once or twice when mydad was dead, but they never
(13:49):
told me.
And so I remember thinking, whydidn't he pick me?
Was that so ugly?
Maybe it was because I was sucha bad kid.
Maybe, but maybe um I didn'ttalk right, or maybe I didn't
dress right.
Like as a 15-year-old, I waslike, Yeah, it's not your
thought.
SPEAKER_00 (14:03):
I know, but that's how and then like Yeah, but it
was not a thought at all.
SPEAKER_03 (14:08):
Yeah, but that but like as a teenager, that's what
I thought.
And then I became bulimic andlike really got into drugs to
like self-hurt myself because Ijust didn't have the
comprehension, like it hadnothing to do with me, like at
that age.
And then my mom took me to um, Iwas like, we're gonna go see my
dad.
And so she took me toJacksonville, Florida, and like
(14:29):
he wasn't only arrested for athousand kilos of cocaine, he
was also arrested for beinginvolved with the whole thing
with the iron contra scandal.
So, like his story, like made inAmerica, is literally my dad's
story.
Like, Barry Seals is not a realhe he that is his story, like
they took his story, that's hisstory.
Like, look up Gary WayneBetzner, go on YouTube, look up
(14:52):
him in front of the CNN in frontof the investigative hearing and
be like, oh my god, like that'shis story.
Like, you know what I mean?
But I remember going to jail andthey had him like in this really
weird like room, like a libraryand a lawyer's office, and they
brought him in and handcuffs onhis feet.
And I remember like looking atthe bailiff, I was like 15 years
(15:15):
old, you know.
I said, Listen, I thought mydaddy was dead for the past 10
years.
Like, I need to hug my dad.
Like, you need to take thosehandcuffs off my dad so I can
hug my dad.
And they did it because he was aflight risk because he was so
famous, you know.
And they did his handcuffs andhe hugged me and he was like, I
love you.
I'm so sorry.
Like, I wanted to tell you, butI thought they would kidnap you.
(15:37):
I was like, Oh, that's who thosetwo cartel members were that
showed up at our houseunexpected in one of the
pictures of me when I was 15.
Like it all started makingsense.
My mom slept with a gun underher pillow, like weirdos would
follow me home from school, likeall this really weird stuff
would happen.
It all made sense.
And that hug, it all made sense,you know?
SPEAKER_00 (15:58):
Yeah.
Absolutely.
My goodness, my girl.
Wow.
That was a lot for a child toprocess and to go from childhood
to, you know, your adulthood andthat mix of that process you
were going through so much.
What did it feel like to finallyhear your dad say, I'm sorry, I
(16:20):
didn't want you involved in anyof this, and that that's the
reason that he didn't he didn'thave you a part of that?
SPEAKER_03 (16:29):
I was really at that age too immature to get it.
I was like just too way tooimmature to get any of it.
You know what I mean?
Like I just was too little toeven hear that.
All I could hear is why didn'tall I could hear in my brain
was, why didn't you take me?
Aw.
You know, that's all I can hearin my brain, is why couldn't you
(16:49):
take me?
But now that I'm older and I'vedone a lot more therapy and a
lot more inner healing, thatlittle 15-year-old girl is
thinking, like, so if there'sany young people listening to
this podcast and your dad or momare still alive and they did
things to you that weren'tcorrect, if they say they're
sorry and at this age,regardless if they continue to
act crappy, they continue to letyou down, understand that you've
(17:14):
got to take that I'm sorry.
That doesn't mean that you haveto like put up with bad
behavior, but you've got toaccept that inside your soul so
that you don't spend the next 30years of your life trying to get
I'm sorry from your dad.
Do you see what I mean?
Because that's been the next 25years, like not really grasping
what he told me when I was 15.
SPEAKER_00 (17:35):
Yeah.
That makes sense.
And I'm so yeah, thank you forsaying that.
So if anybody is listeningtoday, like even sometimes the
sorry is just so you can removethat weight off of your
shoulders and allow yourself tomove forward.
I want to talk about thattransition of you finally saw
(17:57):
your father in prison and nowyou're here, but it doesn't
completely heal those childhoodwounds that your father left you
and it led into therelationships that you had.
unknown (18:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (18:08):
And you talked about it affecting the relationships,
like the influence of your dad'srelationships ended up with your
influence on your romanticchoices.
When did you realize that thiswas a pattern that existed with
who you chose and why you chosethem?
SPEAKER_02 (18:24):
On number two.
On husband number two is what Ifinally realized.
SPEAKER_03 (18:28):
Like, whoa, pattern, you know, like when I was 26,
let's see, I moved to uh umNewport Beach when I was 18.
And I started acting and Istarted doing a whole bunch of
stuff, but I also starteddabbling in drugs, and I started
following the grateful dead, andmy mom was like, We this girl is
gonna die, we gotta get out ofhere.
So that's why I went to Atlanta,but I still didn't.
(18:51):
You can move yourself out of aproblem, but unless you heal the
root, you're never gonna followyou.
But I still had that emptiness,so I still did drugs in Atlanta,
and so I went to college, but Iwas still partying, and I you
know, stopped going to theGrateful Dead shows, but started
becoming a stripper, and myboyfriend was a cocaine dealer,
(19:11):
and I was like, this is awesome.
I didn't even like I didn't evenhave the brain power to think
like that was wrong.
Well, we definitely weren't inchurch anymore either.
And we dated and ourrelationship was pretty toxic
even when we were dating, but Ijust was like, oh yeah, he's
gonna make such a good husband.
Like his parents are stillmarried.
That's was my whole thing.
(19:32):
Like, his parents are stillmarried, we're gonna stay
married forever.
And he's I got pregnant likeimmediately, and he kept
partying.
So we like left Atlanta andmoved to San Diego to get away
from all that craziness.
But you know, unless you healthe inside, it's just gonna
follow you.
So we when I came to San Diego,we had a pretty tumultuous
(19:54):
relationship, and we ended upgetting divorced.
And you know, that's when Imoved in with my mom, and he
kind of had a drug problem, andI became a single mom for real
with no income coming in, youknow.
Stayed single for 10 years,lived at my mom's for seven
years with both kids, you know,and like went back to school
(20:15):
full time, became a schoolteacher, like I was a sole
breadwinner, and thank God formy mom.
But then when number two camealong, I still hadn't done a lot
of therapy.
I still hadn't really graspedlike who I am as a person or who
God created me to be or any ofthose things.
I was in survival mode.
And I was like, oh yay, he lovesme, he wants to move me out,
(20:36):
like like a Prince Charming, youknow?
So I didn't even like take timeto smell the fruit.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, when you're dating, youneed to see if there's fruit
there.
Like, is he stable?
Does he have an income?
Does he love God?
Does he have the same values youhave?
Does he have a good relationshipwith his family?
(20:56):
Like, girl, Google him.
Google him.
Yeah, absolutely.
But I did all that, and I waslike, you know what?
He's a good person.
Like, he knows me from when Iwas 18, when we were deadheads,
like it's meant to be.
I saw the red flags, but I justglossed right over them because
I still had not gotten throughthe stuff in my soul.
SPEAKER_00 (21:17):
You know, that makes a lot of sense through all that.
Several things there, and thankyou for sharing this.
Is that when you left San Diegoto move to Atlanta, and then all
of a sudden, like you said,those same patterns repeated
itself because the healing comesfrom the inside.
It's not just because you putyourself in a completely
different state situation thatall of a sudden things are gonna
(21:40):
drastically change for you.
It was that it you really neededto be pruned and to sniff those
like bad weeds away and thenplace yourself in a new
environment.
But I wanted to know you alsomentioned that you all were
going to church a lot in yourchildhood.
And then all of a sudden, youfound yourself to not go to
church at all.
What calls you to want?
(22:00):
Walk away from God in the firstplace?
SPEAKER_03 (22:02):
Well, my mom had a a guy when I was like 16 and we
moved up to New York.
And she kind of walked away fromGod.
And then when we moved to NewYork, we didn't find a church.
And then we moved to California.
She didn't really go to churchbecause she was kind of in this
kind of toxic relationship withthis man.
And then when we moved toAtlanta, I was, you know, wild
now.
Now I'm like on one, you know,I'm in college.
(22:23):
I'm why I wasn't looking forchurch.
I didn't even think aboutchurch.
And my mom wasn't going.
Like, you know, so because shewasn't going, I wasn't going.
I just like I never, I think Ifelt so much shame as a kid.
Like that I was so wild.
And I went to like a veryreligious church, like Southern
Baptist.
And that I thought, like, I wasso bad, like that Jesus wouldn't
(22:45):
love me, like, cause I was justtoo messed up.
That's why I think I didn't lookfor church because I felt like
church would judge me.
I didn't understand the truelove of God.
I only understood that churchwould judge me, and I was too
bad to go to church.
That's what happened.
SPEAKER_00 (23:02):
Yeah, thank you.
During that process of youfeeling like all that, then when
did you feel like you hit rockbottom and said, God, I need
you, and that you wanted to likereignite that faith in your life
again?
SPEAKER_03 (23:17):
So after my divorce and I moved in with my mom, it
was like every the kids werewith me every other weekend
until my ex-husband, you know,he's doing great now, by the
way.
We're like best friends.
We have a very goodrelationship, like we're
forgiving each other, like allthe things, right?
But when he, before he becamedisplaced and he wasn't doing
good again, like I had a weekendwhere I was like the weekend
(23:39):
warrior mom, you know?
And I went out one weekend, Ihad a boyfriend, and like um,
you know, I didn't have thekids, and I took a bunch of
drugs.
Like, I was I just thought I washaving a good time.
I did like cocaine, ecstasy,like anything I could get my
hands on.
And my boyfriend was throwing upall over the bar.
Like, I was like, I gotta gethim out of here.
I literally put him 250-pounddude on my back in stilettos and
(24:01):
walked out of the bar to put himin the car.
Here's Caretaker Girl, put himin the car so nobody could find
him, and I died.
I died.
I died.
I went like left my yeah, I diedon the sidewalk.
And the last thing I rememberedwas like looking down at my body
in the ambulance, and all thesepeople were crying.
And I woke up in the hospitalroom with like tubes down my
(24:24):
throat, and they're like, She'shere.
Like I remember like the lightcoming to my eye, she's here.
I was like, what is happening?
Because I had the thing down mythroat, and they're like, Oh,
you've been dead on and off allnight.
I was like, Oh.
So they took the thing out of mythroat, and the minute they left
the room, like found someclothes in the corner because
they weren't mine because theyhad cut all my clothes off, and
(24:45):
I like ran to church because Ihad been taking the kids to
church every other weekend.
Like, I was still doing church,you know what I mean?
I wasn't like walking it, I wasdoing it.
But I was showing up on Sundayfor my kids, but I wasn't doing
it for me.
And I remember seeing my pastor,and he came to me and he had
just grabbed me.
He had no idea, and I had likebruises on my chest, like he
couldn't see them, right?
(25:05):
My my eyes must have been likethis.
And he was like, Polly, when areyou gonna start stop getting so
close to God and what purpose hehas for your life and going down
here?
You know, one of these days youjust might die.
I was like, How did he knowthat?
That was it, that was it.
I was like, that had to be theHoly Spirit because nobody told
this guy I was literally deadlast night, you know.
(25:26):
And then yeah, walk of faithback with the Lord, you know.
I mean, I have I've I haven'thad any mess ups like that in
the last 20 years, butdefinitely, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (25:36):
Wow, yeah.
Woo! I mean, being that close todeath and being yet dead,
technically, and wondering, youcould have not woken up.
I'm happy that you're here withus to share this story.
What did you feel like when yousaid because I think that a lot
of people do this, right?
They go in and they it's likethey go to the gym and they just
swipe their cards, they checkin, they look around and say,
(25:57):
Okay, I've been here.
All right, I'm out, you know,and it's just like this like
check mark thing and looking atchurch like that check mark
thing.
Do you when you chose to takeyour kids to church during that
time, it was it because yousaid, I know that something
exists here and I want the kidsto experience it, even if I
don't fully understand it orlike it right now.
(26:18):
And then were you feeling likewhen you were still doing
cocaine and other drugs, wasthat just another cry out to God
or cry out to you filling thisvoid of just like life at that
moment?
Or how do you feel?
Well, nothing.
SPEAKER_03 (26:36):
How were you feeling?
Like now I know that that waslike this personality thing that
I had.
It was like one foot in theworld and one foot at church
because that's what I had donemy whole life.
I got molested by the guy, but Iwould just say happy, so my mom
didn't know.
I would do drugs and party, butI'd be great at school.
Like I had this whole life oflike two sides of me because I
(26:57):
had had so much trauma as a kidand I hadn't like repaired my
soul yet that when I went backto church, I knew it was what
was best for my kids.
I knew when I was little, Iremember when I got saved when I
sit was six.
I never, I just had that feelingthe Holy Spirit just washing
over my whole body when I wassix when I got saved.
And I wanted my kids to feelthat safety of a father in
(27:20):
heaven, of what I felt when Iwas little.
Even though I didn't felt like Iwas worthy, I wanted my kids to
feel that.
But I didn't, I knew going tochurch, I was still sin and like
active sin, hardcore.
But I knew I knew that God lovedme anyway.
I was starting to get that Godloved me anyway and he would
clean me up eventually.
(27:41):
And that he would put my brokenvase back together.
It's like my whole life has beenthis vase of just shatter,
shatter, shatter, shatter.
But slowly, what God does overtime is he gets gold, you know,
and he starts to put that vaseback together.
And it's so much more beautifulthan if you just had the vase
from the original.
(28:02):
Those broken pieces are whatlike help us help other people
that have been through whateverwe've gone through.
So even though I've gone throughlike so much in my life, I know
that it was all for a purpose tohelp, you know, a younger girl
like say, Hey, no, your dad didnot leave you, little girl.
He just left.
(28:22):
When I wrote my book in 2022,that was like when all the
pieces started coming together.
And I was like, when I wrotethat one sentence, I just
literally just wrote that onesentence.
My dad didn't leave me, he justleft.
SPEAKER_02 (28:34):
Woo! I was like, oh, whoa, what?
SPEAKER_00 (28:38):
You know, yeah.
Let's talk about that becauseyou talked about how God, you
know, you kept going and youkept realizing, well, God is
gonna forgive me and I'm gonnachange and things will happen,
and talking about forgivenesswith God, but also talking about
forgiveness with your physicalfather that was on earth.
(29:01):
What led you to forgiving him?
And then you wrote the book.
So, what led you to say, like,I'm done, I'm tired, I wanna
forgive you?
Was it for you?
Was it for him?
Was it for all of it?
SPEAKER_03 (29:14):
So I had already forgiven him, but I didn't
really, because I kept pickingthe same guys.
If I really had forgiven him, Iwouldn't have picked the same
men twice.
You know what I mean?
So when I wrote the book, whenthe plant happened and
everything was shut down, Iwrote the book and then I flew
to Arkansas.
And I met with my dad, andliterally the first page says
dedicated to the survivors of anarcissistic parent.
(29:37):
So my dad, I got the book, andI'm like, I'm here I am with the
biggest, baddest drug dealerever in history, right?
Like literally, he was thebiggest.
And I said, Daddy, I said, I amnot gonna publish this book, and
nobody's gonna ever read itunless you say it's okay.
He's like, Well, why should I dothat?
Why should I be okay with thisbook, Polly?
I said, Well, Dad, you caneither A go down in history as
(29:58):
the biggest, baddest drug dealerever, or B, you can go down in
history as helping little girlslike me forgive their dads and
have peace.
He's like, I choose the secondone.
I was like, All right.
And then this summer, and thenthat was the beginning.
And then when he was reallysick, um, when he was really
sick this past August, myactually my ex-husband, my kid's
(30:20):
dad, bought my plane ticket togo home because I'm a school
teacher and I don't have a wholelot of money, you know.
And I flew home and my dad waslike laying in the hospital bed,
and he's like, Why are you here?
I go, Because I love you, dad.
He's like, Nobody else came.
I mean, he's got a great wife,but she was, you know, tired.
And he goes, Will you lay downnext to me?
(30:41):
I thought, this is so weird.
And my dad, he's he's like, he'slike, I just want to tell you,
Polly, he's like, I am so sorryfor what I did to you.
Like, will you ever forgive me?
Like, I just wanted to know you,and oh my god.
Even just like thinking abouthim saying that to me, he said,
when he said, Please forgive me,I missed, I missed all these
(31:03):
times.
I knew that he had more regretthan I ever did.
And like I totally forgave him,and it's like my heart got
healed that night.
And then the next morning islike when he accepted the Lord
for himself, and they gave him aweek to live, and I got the like
gift to be able to pray for mydad, and he was completely
(31:24):
healed that night.
His swelling in his feet wentdown.
They did an EKG of his heartthat night.
The doctors came in the nextmorning.
They said, We don't know whathappened.
Is EKG's perfect?
He can go home.
Like they literally, he wassupposed to die that weekend.
This was almost this was likeWow, look at God.
You know.
SPEAKER_00 (31:44):
So yeah, you know what?
I think that the forgivenesswasn't approval per se, but it
was a release, you know, and itwas it was designed that you
needed to be there at thatmoment.
And I'm so happy that yourfather was being able to be
(32:04):
gifted with your presencebecause you didn't have to
forgive him.
You didn't have to show up, butyou did.
And I just want to say, like, Ithink that's so beautiful.
Somebody is listening today andthey may be wondering like if
they should restart arelationship with their father,
or if they should forgive them,or maybe their mother, whoever
that was for them, and they'regonna hear your story and and
(32:26):
they're gonna maybe feel led tofinally forgive.
And um, and just to imagine thatyour prayer, like it was it took
your prayer to set everythingfree.
But also, like you said, yourfather carried so much as well,
and he couldn't express it, butat that moment, God knew what I
knew what needed to happen.
(32:47):
Yeah, well, he was I want toknow, Polly.
What so sorry, say that again.
SPEAKER_03 (32:52):
My dad was super abused by his father when he was
younger, so like he had so muchunresolved pain inside himself,
you know what I mean?
It was cyclical for him, so Iknew that.
So, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (33:02):
Wow, Polly, if you could speak to your younger
self.
unknown (33:06):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (33:06):
Now that you've known all of this that you've
been through, but at the timeyou were obviously you were very
afraid and you were confused andyou were alone and you were
asking God why, right?
But if you could speak to youryounger self right now, what
would you tell her?
SPEAKER_03 (33:24):
You know that song uh called Dear Younger Me.
I literally just preached at achurch like about three weeks
ago, and I had all the womenwrite a letter to their younger
self.
So I encourage your podcastviewers to write a letter to
their younger selves, forgivingyourself.
I would tell little Polly that Iwas named after my grandmother,
that you were wanted, you werechosen, you were always loved,
(33:48):
you're protected, it's not yourfault.
There's nothing wrong with you,that you're beautiful, that
you're smart, that you're gonnabe okay, that the road might be
bumpy, but you're gonna be okay,and that God loves you so much
that you just need to put onefoot in front of the other and
(34:10):
don't get caught up in the worldbecause the world's not gonna
ever bring you happiness.
You just need to keep your footon my path and that I'm gonna
show you the best road ever.
And I know that if I wouldn't,if I would have heard those when
I was little, I wouldn't havethe story now to help so many
people, but it would haveprobably saved me a lot of
hardship, you know?
But like I would have told myyounger self that.
SPEAKER_00 (34:32):
So beautiful.
I think your story definitelyshows us not only where we can
start and that the time is now,but that healing is possible no
matter what stage of life you'reat.
Um, you wrote a book and I wantyou to tell us about that book
and how we can access that bookand and who was this book for
younger probably, or who wasthis for?
I'm sure it's for for everyone,you know, that are experiencing
(34:55):
things like this.
But tell us more.
SPEAKER_03 (34:57):
I just I didn't know who it was for.
I just knew I needed to dosomething, you know.
Um, it's called You Got DaddyIssues.
I have a website, it's www.yougot daddyissues.com.
Um, so my ultimate goal is tolike not have to teach forever,
is to go around and help peoplewith their daddy issues and do
like a little daddy issues cafeand like go different places
(35:18):
selling my book.
But I want to build like soccerfields in Mexico and
impoverished churches and callthem daddy fields.
Like that's like a big heartdesire of mine for to see kids
play.
I love that.
And so I wrote the book to healmyself, really.
(35:39):
And in that healing process, Iknow that people reading it, it
it'll heal them too.
SPEAKER_00 (35:44):
Yeah, it definitely will.
Well, you all heard you gotdaddyissues.com.
We'll put the links andeverything below so you can get
a book.
And if you don't feel like it'sfor yourself, maybe it's for
someone you know.
You know, you sometimes got thatgirlfriend or your guy friend or
whoever that calls and say, likethis, this, and this, and you
(36:04):
know that healing is near forthem or near for you, and that
this book is the one-step way ofgetting closer to that healing
journey for you.
If you're listening to thisstory and you're carrying family
wounds, you're not doomed torepeat them.
You can be the one who breaksthe cycle, like Polly has.
(36:24):
Know that you are loved and thatyou are cared for.
And Polly, any last words thatyou want to leave the listeners
today?
SPEAKER_03 (36:32):
Yeah, two.
You can watch the documentaryabout my dad called The
Invisible Pilot, and I'm in it.
It tells like his whole crazyadventure story.
Like that's the adventure side.
So watch that.
But the biggest thing I can tellthem is wherever you are in your
life, whether you're 12, you'resix, you're 80, let your mess,
whatever mess has happened inyour life, be your message to
(36:54):
set other people free.
That's your goal in life.
Let your mess be your message toset other people free.
That's the goal.
SPEAKER_00 (37:02):
I love that.
Let your mess be your message toset other people free.
That's so beautiful.
Where can we find your um thedocumentary?
Where is it located?
SPEAKER_03 (37:12):
Like Hulu, Netflix, YouTube, it's everywhere.
SPEAKER_00 (37:15):
Amazing.
But we'll put the links belowfor anyone.
Hopefully, everyone goes andwatched the documentary.
Let's let's tune in, let'ssupport Polly and sharing her
story that's impacting theworld.
If this episode has impactingyou, or if you know it would
definitely inspire and impactanother person, share this
episode with someone who needshope.
Follow the resilience filesunlocked on anywhere social
(37:38):
media takes place and whereveryou are listening.
And feel free to email us atresifiles at gmail.com if you
have a resilience story.
We appreciate Polly for beinghere on this episode with us.
Yeah.
Send this to someone that needsit.
I'm Carrie Bernanz.
This has been the ResilienceFiles Unlocked.
(37:58):
Thank you and have a great day.
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