Most people think their mistakes define them — but Xander’s story flips that narrative completely. At just 14, he shares how a single misunderstood joke triggered a series of events that threatened to derail his future, yet ultimately led him to rediscover his purpose and passion. His journey from suspension, anxiety, and feelings of unworthiness to thriving in homeschooling, acting, cybersecurity, and representing North Carolina at the Congress of Future Medical Leaders proves that redirection can be life-changing.
In this powerful episode, you’ll discover how a moment of impulsive words can spiral into misunderstanding and how honesty and resilience turn setbacks into opportunities. Xander opens up about the importance of choosing authenticity over conformity, the impact of negative peer influences, and how faith and mentorship helped him find his true calling. We break down practical advice for young people feeling misunderstood and for parents navigating the challenges of raising confident, authentic kids in a confusing world.
You'll learn: how to handle mistakes with integrity, the importance of mental and emotional well-being, and how to leverage missteps for growth. Xander’s story highlights that you’re never too young to turn adversity into advantage. His journey underscores the value of patience, self-awareness, and faith—proving that even in the darkest moments, there’s a brighter path ahead for those willing to walk it.
This episode is perfect for teens, parents, educators, and anyone who believes that setbacks aren’t the end—they’re just the beginning of a new chapter. If you want real stories of resilience, courage, and faith, don’t miss this inspiring conversation with a young trailblazer who’s already making waves and shows no signs of stopping.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
When you feel like life has dealt you a hand of
unfair cards.
Instead of voting, you doubledown.
You stuck in the game.
You face battles.
You felt broken.
But hey, do us a favor.
Put your hand on your heart.
You feel that?
You're still here.
Welcome to the Resilience FilesUnlock, where survival meets
(00:25):
transformation.
Welcome back to the ResilienceFiles Podcast.
I'm your host, Carrie Bernanz,actress, stunt woman, and host
of the Resilience Files Podcast.
We are so excited about the newepisode we have today.
He is 14 years old.
And wow, what a beautiful storyof life, right?
(00:48):
Sometimes the thing that feelslike punishment is actually
redirection.
And we're going to learn thatabout Xander's story.
As everyone knows, this space isa space that exists for honest
stories of resilience, faith,and becoming, especially when
life doesn't go the way that youexpected it to.
As we do here on the ResilienceFiles, we love for either our
(01:10):
guests to read their essay outloud, or we have a guest host
that reads it, or us the host,reads it.
Well, Xander is gonna read hisessay on today.
And afterwards we'll get intolearning a bit more about Xander
and his experience.
So Xander, would you mind takingit away?
SPEAKER_00 (01:28):
Of course.
Hi.
I really wanted to share thisstory because it always shows
that God has a plan and thatthere was a reason for
everything.
I was about 13 and it was abouthalfway through eighth grade
year, and Christmas break 2024was around the corner.
(01:48):
It was a Wednesday, and I was inmy last period, math.
They had take math problemsaround the locker area, and we
had to go solve them with agroup.
So of course I chose my friends.
I wasn't the best at math atthis time, so I had to take my
time on some of the questions.
I got angry that my group keptleaving me because I was too
(02:10):
slow.
So class ends and I go to wherewe get picked up as car riders,
and I was silent most of thetime, despite one of my friends
being next to me.
There was this joke going aroundat the time about school
violence.
He asked me what's wrong, and Imade a stupid choice and blurted
out that joke.
In my mind, I was thinking, Ishould have told him I was
(02:33):
joking as he gets into hisparents' car.
My day after that was just asmiserable, mainly because of
math class.
So then the next day came and Ididn't think about it at all.
I was in Spanish class for myfirst period in home room.
Me and my best friend wereworking on a project where you
had to make a house and labelthe items in it in Spanish.
(02:57):
We were goofing around on thecomputer looking for things for
the project, and somethinginappropriate popped up, and I
closed the tab immediately.
So about five minutes later, theprincipal and the police officer
show up and take me from class.
I assumed it was because of theinappropriate thing that popped
up, so I stayed as calm as Icould possibly be and they asked
(03:20):
me questions about if I knewwhat I was in trouble for, and I
said no.
They take me to my locker andunlock it and search my
backpack.
They find nothing in there and Itake it with me to the office.
They sat me down and told methat I was in trouble for saying
that joke.
My friend had told them I saidthat I was going to effing shoot
(03:42):
up the school and don't effingtalk to me, but of course
without the censoring.
I had not said either of thosethings and told them this.
The principal is confused anddoesn't understand why I only
said the phrase, which this wasthe joke, don't come to school
tomorrow, and nothing else.
So the police officer asked mefor my mom, my mom and dad's
(04:04):
phone number, so I give them tohim and he calls my dad first,
and my dad picks up and isdriving to the school, and then
they call my mom while she's atwork, but she doesn't pick up
the first time, and they send meto go to work right outside of
the office.
So I open up my computer and tryto communicate with my friend
what happened through theproject slides and realize that
(04:27):
it's already second period.
So my parents arrive and I canalready see the dread on my
dad's face, and my mom came inwith a co-owner of her business
for emotional support.
So they sit my parents down andthey tell them everything that
happened without me in the room.
They then bring me into theroom, and my mom is the saddest
I have ever seen as she wipesher tears with tissues.
(04:52):
She asked me if the things thatthey said I did were true, and I
said, No.
The principal continues tocondemn me of these actions, and
even my mom knew that it was notlike me to cuss.
So she says to the principal, Iknow teenagers cuss, but that's
not something my son would do.
I was in a criminology class atthe time, and it really
(05:12):
interested me, and was possiblysomething that could be a future
career.
So the principal ruled that itwas just the criminology class
that I was taking and thoughtthat it was okay.
So she just suspended me forthree days, counting that same
Thursday.
We got in the car to go to mymom's office, and the words that
stuck with me the most that mymom said were last time I was in
(05:33):
this office I was told I wassalutarian.
My dad went to the post officeas a stop before he got there,
and it was just me and my mom inthe car, and she asked me, Did
you tell the truth?
And I responded, Yes.
She called me very mature forthe way I handled the situation
without lying.
So I spent my days suspended andcame back on a Tuesday, and of
(05:55):
course everybody had asked mewhat happened, and my teachers
were extremely nice about whathappened, and they gave me the
rest of the week's work of asuspension time to do.
About a month passed and all thegood students got to go to
Carowyn's, which is this themepark for a day, so I spent that
day doing work while the othershad fun, but that was part of
(06:17):
the punishment.
We had this big trip toWilliamsburg coming up, and I
was eligible to go because ofone of the guidelines was only
to have one out of schoolsuspension, so the final payment
came up for the trip, and myparents pay it, and I get in my
dad's truck at the car riderline, and we drive home, and he
gets a text from my math teacherwho was the organizer of
(06:41):
Williamsburg, saying that Ican't go to Williamsburg.
And we, of course, were nothappy about this.
So they debated going to theschool to talk to the principal
about it, but then there wasanother option, and that was to
be homeschooled.
I chose to be homeschooled, andthat Friday I returned
everything from the school thatI had, and we went and got books
(07:04):
for my homeschooling.
I'm in ninth grade when I'mwriting this.
Since I have been homeschooled,I have signed an acting contract
with a contractor.
I have been nominated torepresent North Carolina at the
Congress of Future MedicalLeaders.
I take AP biology, I take anadvanced cybersecurity course, I
take Mandarin, and I take seeinglessons for my acting.
(07:25):
If that doesn't prove that Godalways has a plan, I don't know
what will.
SPEAKER_01 (07:30):
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you for the courage andsharing that story.
After reading it out loud, howdo you feel right now?
Great.
Yeah?
You feel great?
I love that.
Well, first off, I want to letyou know that of course you know
this, but your voice matters andthat you telling it this story
also can help other kids notonly watch what they say, but
(07:52):
also be mindful that sometimespeople would add additional
words to what you say and makeit seem much worse than it is.
Now, of course, I will say as adisclaimer that we don't
tolerate bullying here on theResilient Spells Podcast.
And I'm not saying that you're abully, and I can say that as a
kid, used to be a kid myself, abig kid now, I'm an adult.
(08:12):
But you know, sometimes we saythings that we don't really mean
and we say it jokingly and justbrush it off.
But sometimes those words dohave power and they land, and
sometimes it does cause fear inother people.
We always know that one momentcan just change everything.
And in that moment, itdefinitely changed the way that
you felt in that school.
(08:33):
But it also, that redirectionalso helped your projection.
You're in a completely differentenvironment now, being
homeschooled, and it's a healthyenvironment where you're
learning Mandarin Nihau, andyou're also doing singing
lessons and acting, all of theseamazing, incredible things.
In that moment, I just want totake a step back and ask you
(08:54):
like the joke and themisunderstanding.
When you realize that peoplemisunderstood the joke of what
you were saying, and they madeup in their mind that it was
something deeper, and theydidn't ask you to clarify it.
How did that make you feel?
SPEAKER_00 (09:10):
It made me feel like I definitely had knew that I
messed up and maybe I shouldhave added in that I was joking
because now I realize that'sdefinitely nothing to joke
about.
But yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (09:25):
Tell us about before you made that joke.
How were you feeling?
What was going on in your life?
Like, what was your friend grouplike?
SPEAKER_00 (09:32):
I sat next to these people in math.
We made all kinds of jokes.
I mean, some bad.
That's just really most of thepeople that surrounded me were
making bad jokes.
Um yeah.
And it just really wasn't thebest time in my life.
SPEAKER_01 (09:48):
And before that moment of having that friend
group where people were makingbad jokes, did you have friend
groups that they made positivejokes or just like a different
conversation?
SPEAKER_00 (09:58):
I mean, really, most of my life, well, from like I'd
say maybe fifth grade up, it'skind of been like that.
So Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (10:09):
When you said that joke to your friend, you said
you had a lot going on.
You were stressed out, you wereexhausted, you felt like you
were already left behind becausey'all were doing the math stuff,
and then your friend was gonnaget in get in the car.
Did you just learn about schoolshootings at that moment?
Or what made you want to saythat joke at that moment?
SPEAKER_00 (10:27):
I mean, really, I was just having a lot of
conflict in my mind.
I was it was just going throughthought after thought, and I
decided to say something tomaybe brighten up the mood, but
obviously did not do that atall.
SPEAKER_01 (10:44):
When uh principal officer well the prin well when
the principal and the officercame to your class, did you
think it was for you?
SPEAKER_00 (10:52):
At first, well, I didn't even see them because my
desk is like facing the front ofthe classroom and they came up
behind me and touched me on theshoulder.
So then I obviously knew it wasfor me.
What was running through yourmind at that moment?
Uh the inappropriate thing thathad popped up, I was thinking
(11:13):
about how I could defend myselfif there was anything bad I did
the day before, which thatdidn't really cross my mind.
SPEAKER_01 (11:20):
Yeah.
Yeah, one of the things Irespect about you and respect
about the situation is that youtold the truth regardless of the
cost of that.
And you said you said this joke,but you didn't say the extra
stuff that was added on there.
When they added this extralayered of comments that were
(11:41):
inappropriate and, you know,built fire around the situation,
how did that make you feel?
SPEAKER_00 (11:46):
I was kind of shocked and I felt like I needed
to defend myself because the waythey twisted it was crazy.
SPEAKER_01 (11:58):
Yeah.
What was the hardest part offinding out that you were gonna
be suspended?
Did you feel like that it wasnecessary, or do you still feel
like it was wrong of them tosuspend you in the first place?
SPEAKER_00 (12:09):
I mean, I feel like it was necessary to an extent,
but at the same time, I don'tknow how to put it.
It was just like I couldn'tbelieve I was getting suspended
because I through most of thatyear I had a pretty good
reputation, and theyacknowledged that, of course,
and I just couldn't believe Iwas getting suspended.
SPEAKER_01 (12:33):
Yeah, but I think being misunderstood definitely
hurts.
And when you said that you feltlike part of you felt like you
should have or could have beensuspended, what was that part of
you?
SPEAKER_00 (12:43):
Probably the the worser part of me, of course,
but like back in sixth grade, Imade even poor choices, but I
didn't get suspended for it.
SPEAKER_01 (12:55):
Yeah.
What type of if you feelcomfortable sharing, what type
of poor choices would you saythat you felt was worse?
SPEAKER_00 (13:03):
So I hung out with some pretty bad people, and I've
never done any of this stuffmyself, but just to fit in, I
used to say I uh smoked weed,uh, did drugs.
I never did any of that stuff.
I just said it to fit in.
SPEAKER_01 (13:19):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (13:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:22):
I feel like so often a lot of kids do that.
I mean, we at the end of theday, you want to belong, right?
You want to be a part of acommunity, you want to not feel
like an outsider.
What do you feel like?
What caused those moments foryou to say those things that
weren't true in those moments?
Was it because you wanted to fitin that you said those things?
Did you feel like if you didn'tsay them that then they would
(13:45):
exclude you?
You wouldn't be cool enough?
SPEAKER_00 (13:48):
I felt like I definitely had like a reputation
to hold up at that point intime.
And of course, those bad jokeswere part of my reputation, so
that definitely had a little bitof influence on it.
SPEAKER_01 (14:01):
Yeah.
How old are were you when youfelt like you started telling
bad jokes?
SPEAKER_00 (14:06):
Hmm.
I want to say around 12-ish,13-ish, somewhere around there.
SPEAKER_01 (14:11):
Do you remember the reason why you first started
telling bad jokes?
SPEAKER_00 (14:16):
Of course, to fit in.
SPEAKER_01 (14:18):
Yeah.
Have you do you continue now totell bad jokes?
SPEAKER_00 (14:23):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (14:23):
Yeah.
I just want to say to you this,and as we continue to go on,
that I I'm just meeting you forthe first time, but I think you
have an amazing personality, andI think that you are unique and
you are obviously very smart,and uh that you're gonna make
friends based off yourpersonality, and people are
gonna wanna be around you justbecause you're a good person,
just because you are striving todo something in life, and you're
(14:46):
gonna have much more positive,growing friends that are gonna
have so much more potential thanthe per the people that you have
to pretend in order to fit in.
That's going to drain you andthat's going to keep you in a
place that is not your fullauthentic self.
So I know that you know that andyou're becoming that, and you're
(15:06):
14 and you're growing.
But I just want to say, like,Xander, I think like already,
like you're gonna have all thefriends in the world, and just
you by being you is gonnaattract like the people that
should be around you.
unknown (15:19):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (15:20):
Thank you.
Absolutely.
What so people have people thathaven't been suspended, that's
listening to this podcast, likeduring that time, your parents,
your mom asked you, like, didyou did you tell the truth?
And you're like, Yes, mom, Itold the truth.
And your mom said, Okay, whatwas the hardest part at that
moment for you for beingsuspended?
(15:40):
What what was going through yourmind?
SPEAKER_00 (15:43):
Well, I knew it wasn't really like me to get
suspended.
And I I've always wanted to bethe smart person, but at this
time in my life, I didn't reallyhold up as a smart person, of
course.
But um, I was sad because lasttime my mom had been in that
office, she was filled with joy,and now she was filled with
(16:06):
sorrow.
So I was really in a whole a lotof regret.
SPEAKER_01 (16:11):
Yeah, absolutely.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
And did your parents at thattime did they use that as a
punishment, or they use it moreas a learning lesson and said,
Well, it's okay, we're here withyou.
SPEAKER_00 (16:24):
They used it as a learning lesson, which I'm very
thankful for.
SPEAKER_01 (16:28):
Yeah, it's a blessing to have good parents
that did that.
So you uh had signed up for somewonderful field trips.
One you weren't able to go to,but the second one you earned
because you had good behavior.
At that moment of receiving thetext message from your teacher
saying, like, you're not allowedto come anymore.
SPEAKER_00 (16:48):
How did that make you feel?
A little bit angry, a little bitsad, a little bit
unaccomplished.
I felt like I had still deservedthat despite my mistake.
But then when she said that, mythoughts went to just maybe
public school wasn't really forme.
SPEAKER_01 (17:07):
Yeah, that's a good point.
What do you how do you feel whenpeople hold over things on other
people even after they made amistake and they asked for
forgiveness and they've donetheir work?
How do you feel when they stillhold that over on them?
Do you think that's fair, or doyou think that that makes sense
that people still have thosethoughts in their head?
SPEAKER_00 (17:27):
I think that's kind of unfair, but to a degree,
depending on how bad it is, itcould kind of be okay, but
still, I feel like everybodydeserves forgiveness at some
point.
SPEAKER_01 (17:41):
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Well, at that moment, you saidyou decided that public school
maybe wasn't for you, and that,you know, choosing homeschool
maybe was.
How did it feel like leaving atraditional school where you got
on a bus or got dropped offevery day and you saw your
friends and going to ahomeschool environment?
SPEAKER_00 (18:03):
That was definitely an obstacle to get over, but it
wasn't such a big obstaclebecause I've been at points in
my life where I haven't had alot of friends and I've already
experienced it and I know how tosurvive in an ecosystem like
that.
And I felt like kind ofhomeschool felt like the light
(18:24):
at the end of the dark tunnelfor me.
SPEAKER_01 (18:27):
Yeah, I think sometimes walking away is really
walking towards, and like yousaid, you felt like homeschool
was that life for you.
And what looked like a whatlooked like it was a loss was
really alignment for you becauselook at you thriving now.
What do you think is your yourmost favorite thing about being
homeschooled versus being in atraditional school?
SPEAKER_00 (18:49):
There's a lot of free time.
Definitely the fact that youhave a lot of free time because
like I get done in with my workin about like two-ish hours
every day.
So I have plenty of free time.
I could spend that free timedoing something else productive
as well, because I have like somuch time left in the day.
SPEAKER_01 (19:15):
I love that.
Um, is there anything that youmiss about traditional school?
SPEAKER_00 (19:19):
A little bit, just the aspect of you know, having
all your friends a little bithaving the choice of like, oh, I
could do this class, but like,hold on, how do I explain this?
Like, if there was a photographyclass, then I could do like a
photography photography class,but here I can't do that so
(19:42):
much.
But at the same time, my dadused to be a photographer, so I
could still get that samelearning experience.
So mostly just the friends.
SPEAKER_01 (19:52):
Yeah.
Do you find times now to meetother homeschool friends or
other friends in general throughlike other extracurricular
activities?
SPEAKER_00 (20:03):
Definitely.
I have this friend, I've beenfriends with him since we were
like five, and I talk to himlike every day now.
He's not homeschooled, but hegoes to a Challenger High
School, which he's once he getsdone with Challenger, he'll have
like an associate's degreepretty much.
SPEAKER_01 (20:22):
Oh wow.
That's for that's great.
I love that.
Let's talk about now.
You have new opportunities, newlife, and you're in a homeschool
environment, you're thriving,you are assigned to agencies and
you're pursuing the arts.
Tell us about everything thatyou're doing right now.
So or whatever you want to tellus.
SPEAKER_00 (20:42):
Yeah.
So now, after I get finishedwith my regular work, I do the
cybersecurity course, of course,because I want to pursue
cybersecurity.
But at the same time, there's somany other things that interest
me.
I can't focus on justcybersecurity, like healthcare,
(21:03):
psychology, protection of thecountry.
So much interests me.
I can't just pinpoint things.
So that's why I try to get alittle tiny bit of everything.
SPEAKER_01 (21:16):
I love that.
I think that is incredible thatat the age of 14, you're focused
on cybersecurity right now.
You're gonna be the next geniusof B could be like in the
presidential cabinet if you wantto.
I think that's phenomenal.
What made you want to docybersecurity?
What made you interested inhealthcare?
(21:36):
What made you interested in allof these things?
Is it because of your parents,or is it uh do you know what you
want to be when you grow up?
SPEAKER_00 (21:42):
I mean So what interested me in cybersecurity
is well, my dad had a degree inlike cybersecurity when he was
in college, but also not toolong ago, I had this incident
happen to me online where thisperson said that they were gonna
steal my information andpossibly link it to a bomb
(22:03):
threat.
So we had the police come andthey've said it's okay, we'll
just write my name down and makesure that it's not associated
with it, of course.
And then that made me reallywant to focus on how I protected
myself online.
Yeah.
And then for healthcare, mymom's a dentist.
(22:27):
So that kind of just jump startshow you look into healthcare in
a way.
And yeah.
And for what I want to be when Igrow up, it definitely
differentiates so often.
Like not too long ago I wantedto be a dentist and then I
(22:49):
wanted to be a healthcarecybersecurity specialist.
And then at one point I wantedto work for the CIA and now I'm
focusing kind of on psychology alittle bit.
SPEAKER_01 (23:00):
Yeah I love that.
I love that wow you're livingproof that redirection does work
and that you can also explore avariety of things.
I mean you're 14, I say try itall and see what you really love
and see what you're like, youknow what?
I'm not sure about that.
And you're learning it young.
You mentioned a lot about faithand maturity in your essay.
(23:24):
How has your faith grown in thisprocess of everything that has
happened?
SPEAKER_00 (23:29):
So it's really shown to me how you know there's
always a plan.
You really have to trust andit's really strengthened my
relationship with God a lot.
And maturity wise since I'mhomeschooled now and I don't
have all of those friendsfueling me bad jokes and whatnot
(23:52):
I can kind of form like form myown personality and maturity and
yeah I love that.
SPEAKER_01 (24:02):
Yeah you're able to fill yourself with positivity.
You're able to fill yourselfwith faith and with joy in those
things that the resources andthings that come with that.
I love that you were able totake out the negative and insert
the positive in unique ways.
I think like something that'simportant to say is like wisdom
doesn't come with age it comeswith experience and through your
(24:22):
experiences you have developedmore wisdom and you could be 14
with wisdom or you could be 77with wisdom but I love that
you're really doing this foryourself.
If you could talk to another kidright now that feels really
misunderstood and they feel likethey've been pinned down as the
bad person or they were the onethat did this and they've been
(24:45):
disciplined for something thatthey took as a joke what would
you tell them?
SPEAKER_00 (24:51):
Tell them probably watch how think about what you
say before you say it and trustin yourself, believe that the
process will roll out intosomething better.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (25:04):
I love that Xander your story reminds us is that
our mistakes don't make us butour choices do and it's how we
pick up ourselves after the facteven when we are misunderstood
or even if we throw a joke andit actually turns out to be
worse off than what we thoughtand the choices that we make
next is what drives change.
(25:25):
You're 14, you're doingincredible things is there any
last words that you want toleave with us here on the
Resilience fouse?
SPEAKER_00 (25:34):
First of all I just want to highlight how thankful I
am to be in the position that Iam right now.
And I just want to say no matteranything bad that happens there
will always be a good outcomeand just think about what you
say before you say it.
SPEAKER_01 (25:52):
I think that one of the things that resonated a lot
in your story and even you saidlike since 12 is that like
everybody wants to fit in.
SPEAKER_00 (26:01):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (26:02):
You feel like if someone's listening today or
someone like maybe a mom or dadis listening or a grandma
grandpa or someone and they wantto give this child some advice
and they feel like I just wantto fit in I don't under like
they're struggling to fit in.
So they feel like they have tomake something up in order to
stay in that circle in thatgroup.
(26:22):
What would you tell that person?
SPEAKER_00 (26:24):
Like how do they how do they say like no this is not
this isn't what you should dolike what would you tell that
person in the end fitting indoesn't matter be yourself as
much as possible and do what youknow is right.
SPEAKER_01 (26:41):
Yeah.
I love that thank you.
SPEAKER_00 (26:45):
Of course I just want to say don't try to fit in
just be yourself period and Idon't have any social media at
the moment I try to stay off ofsocial media mainly because it
has played such a big part in mylife that I kind of went away
from it now and I just want toexperience what's outside go
(27:08):
look at nature go experiencelife and that's another thing I
want to leave with the people Ilove that.
SPEAKER_01 (27:15):
So if you hear Xander's story get off social
media go experience nature getoutdoors experience life.
And if you're listening to thisand something didn't work out or
something took the wrongdirection that you never saw it
going it doesn't mean it's over.
It might mean that this new pathis going to lead you to more
(27:38):
opportunities and a better peaceof mind.
If you hear this episode todayand you know that you have a
young person in your life thatneeds to hear this story to let
them know that despite any badthat has happened that good is
still to come and to alsoencourage them to be mindful of
what they say and the choicesthat they make.
(27:59):
We appreciate you Xander foryour courage for your
vulnerability for sharing yourstory we wish you so much
success in the future with everysingle thing that you do.
And you're always welcome backon the Resilient spouse podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (28:12):
I know that you're gonna get older I was nominated
to represent actually in Bostonin June I am representing North
Carolina for the Congress ofyoung medical leaders.
SPEAKER_01 (28:23):
My goodness I am so proud of you and I'm so happy
that you are surrounded byamazing parents that continue to
support you in this manyblessings on that journey.
Congratulations that is no smallfeat you should be very very
proud of yourself.
And I hope that someone listensto the story today and be
(28:44):
reminded that it is not over.
It is just beginning and to justkeep putting one foot in front
of the next and remind yourselfthat if you got to take yourself
out of the environment that iskeeping you in a mindset or a
feeling that's not comfortableremove yourself and put yourself
in a better environment that youcan thrive in.
Thank you, Xander
When you feel like life has dealt you a hand of
unfair cards.
Instead of voting, you doubledown.
You stuck in the game.
You face battles.
You felt broken.
But hey, do us a favor.
Put your hand on your heart.
You feel that?
You're still here.
Welcome to the Resilience FilesUnlock, where survival meets
(00:25):
transformation.
Welcome back to the ResilienceFiles Podcast.
I'm your host, Carrie Bernanz,actress, stunt woman, and host
of the Resilience Files Podcast.
We are so excited about the newepisode we have today.
He is 14 years old.
And wow, what a beautiful storyof life, right?
(00:48):
Sometimes the thing that feelslike punishment is actually
redirection.
And we're going to learn thatabout Xander's story.
As everyone knows, this space isa space that exists for honest
stories of resilience, faith,and becoming, especially when
life doesn't go the way that youexpected it to.
As we do here on the ResilienceFiles, we love for either our
(01:10):
guests to read their essay outloud, or we have a guest host
that reads it, or us the host,reads it.
Well, Xander is gonna read hisessay on today.
And afterwards we'll get intolearning a bit more about Xander
and his experience.
So Xander, would you mind takingit away?
SPEAKER_00 (01:28):
Of course.
Hi.
I really wanted to share thisstory because it always shows
that God has a plan and thatthere was a reason for
everything.
I was about 13 and it was abouthalfway through eighth grade
year, and Christmas break 2024was around the corner.
(01:48):
It was a Wednesday, and I was inmy last period, math.
They had take math problemsaround the locker area, and we
had to go solve them with agroup.
So of course I chose my friends.
I wasn't the best at math atthis time, so I had to take my
time on some of the questions.
I got angry that my group keptleaving me because I was too
(02:10):
slow.
So class ends and I go to wherewe get picked up as car riders,
and I was silent most of thetime, despite one of my friends
being next to me.
There was this joke going aroundat the time about school
violence.
He asked me what's wrong, and Imade a stupid choice and blurted
out that joke.
In my mind, I was thinking, Ishould have told him I was
(02:33):
joking as he gets into hisparents' car.
My day after that was just asmiserable, mainly because of
math class.
So then the next day came and Ididn't think about it at all.
I was in Spanish class for myfirst period in home room.
Me and my best friend wereworking on a project where you
had to make a house and labelthe items in it in Spanish.
(02:57):
We were goofing around on thecomputer looking for things for
the project, and somethinginappropriate popped up, and I
closed the tab immediately.
So about five minutes later, theprincipal and the police officer
show up and take me from class.
I assumed it was because of theinappropriate thing that popped
up, so I stayed as calm as Icould possibly be and they asked
(03:20):
me questions about if I knewwhat I was in trouble for, and I
said no.
They take me to my locker andunlock it and search my
backpack.
They find nothing in there and Itake it with me to the office.
They sat me down and told methat I was in trouble for saying
that joke.
My friend had told them I saidthat I was going to effing shoot
(03:42):
up the school and don't effingtalk to me, but of course
without the censoring.
I had not said either of thosethings and told them this.
The principal is confused anddoesn't understand why I only
said the phrase, which this wasthe joke, don't come to school
tomorrow, and nothing else.
So the police officer asked mefor my mom, my mom and dad's
(04:04):
phone number, so I give them tohim and he calls my dad first,
and my dad picks up and isdriving to the school, and then
they call my mom while she's atwork, but she doesn't pick up
the first time, and they send meto go to work right outside of
the office.
So I open up my computer and tryto communicate with my friend
what happened through theproject slides and realize that
(04:27):
it's already second period.
So my parents arrive and I canalready see the dread on my
dad's face, and my mom came inwith a co-owner of her business
for emotional support.
So they sit my parents down andthey tell them everything that
happened without me in the room.
They then bring me into theroom, and my mom is the saddest
I have ever seen as she wipesher tears with tissues.
(04:52):
She asked me if the things thatthey said I did were true, and I
said, No.
The principal continues tocondemn me of these actions, and
even my mom knew that it was notlike me to cuss.
So she says to the principal, Iknow teenagers cuss, but that's
not something my son would do.
I was in a criminology class atthe time, and it really
(05:12):
interested me, and was possiblysomething that could be a future
career.
So the principal ruled that itwas just the criminology class
that I was taking and thoughtthat it was okay.
So she just suspended me forthree days, counting that same
Thursday.
We got in the car to go to mymom's office, and the words that
stuck with me the most that mymom said were last time I was in
(05:33):
this office I was told I wassalutarian.
My dad went to the post officeas a stop before he got there,
and it was just me and my mom inthe car, and she asked me, Did
you tell the truth?
And I responded, Yes.
She called me very mature forthe way I handled the situation
without lying.
So I spent my days suspended andcame back on a Tuesday, and of
(05:55):
course everybody had asked mewhat happened, and my teachers
were extremely nice about whathappened, and they gave me the
rest of the week's work of asuspension time to do.
About a month passed and all thegood students got to go to
Carowyn's, which is this themepark for a day, so I spent that
day doing work while the othershad fun, but that was part of
(06:17):
the punishment.
We had this big trip toWilliamsburg coming up, and I
was eligible to go because ofone of the guidelines was only
to have one out of schoolsuspension, so the final payment
came up for the trip, and myparents pay it, and I get in my
dad's truck at the car riderline, and we drive home, and he
gets a text from my math teacherwho was the organizer of
(06:41):
Williamsburg, saying that Ican't go to Williamsburg.
And we, of course, were nothappy about this.
So they debated going to theschool to talk to the principal
about it, but then there wasanother option, and that was to
be homeschooled.
I chose to be homeschooled, andthat Friday I returned
everything from the school thatI had, and we went and got books
(07:04):
for my homeschooling.
I'm in ninth grade when I'mwriting this.
Since I have been homeschooled,I have signed an acting contract
with a contractor.
I have been nominated torepresent North Carolina at the
Congress of Future MedicalLeaders.
I take AP biology, I take anadvanced cybersecurity course, I
take Mandarin, and I take seeinglessons for my acting.
(07:25):
If that doesn't prove that Godalways has a plan, I don't know
what will.
SPEAKER_01 (07:30):
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you for the courage andsharing that story.
After reading it out loud, howdo you feel right now?
Great.
Yeah?
You feel great?
I love that.
Well, first off, I want to letyou know that of course you know
this, but your voice matters andthat you telling it this story
also can help other kids notonly watch what they say, but
(07:52):
also be mindful that sometimespeople would add additional
words to what you say and makeit seem much worse than it is.
Now, of course, I will say as adisclaimer that we don't
tolerate bullying here on theResilient Spells Podcast.
And I'm not saying that you're abully, and I can say that as a
kid, used to be a kid myself, abig kid now, I'm an adult.
(08:12):
But you know, sometimes we saythings that we don't really mean
and we say it jokingly and justbrush it off.
But sometimes those words dohave power and they land, and
sometimes it does cause fear inother people.
We always know that one momentcan just change everything.
And in that moment, itdefinitely changed the way that
you felt in that school.
(08:33):
But it also, that redirectionalso helped your projection.
You're in a completely differentenvironment now, being
homeschooled, and it's a healthyenvironment where you're
learning Mandarin Nihau, andyou're also doing singing
lessons and acting, all of theseamazing, incredible things.
In that moment, I just want totake a step back and ask you
(08:54):
like the joke and themisunderstanding.
When you realize that peoplemisunderstood the joke of what
you were saying, and they madeup in their mind that it was
something deeper, and theydidn't ask you to clarify it.
How did that make you feel?
SPEAKER_00 (09:10):
It made me feel like I definitely had knew that I
messed up and maybe I shouldhave added in that I was joking
because now I realize that'sdefinitely nothing to joke
about.
But yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (09:25):
Tell us about before you made that joke.
How were you feeling?
What was going on in your life?
Like, what was your friend grouplike?
SPEAKER_00 (09:32):
I sat next to these people in math.
We made all kinds of jokes.
I mean, some bad.
That's just really most of thepeople that surrounded me were
making bad jokes.
Um yeah.
And it just really wasn't thebest time in my life.
SPEAKER_01 (09:48):
And before that moment of having that friend
group where people were makingbad jokes, did you have friend
groups that they made positivejokes or just like a different
conversation?
SPEAKER_00 (09:58):
I mean, really, most of my life, well, from like I'd
say maybe fifth grade up, it'skind of been like that.
So Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (10:09):
When you said that joke to your friend, you said
you had a lot going on.
You were stressed out, you wereexhausted, you felt like you
were already left behind becausey'all were doing the math stuff,
and then your friend was gonnaget in get in the car.
Did you just learn about schoolshootings at that moment?
Or what made you want to saythat joke at that moment?
SPEAKER_00 (10:27):
I mean, really, I was just having a lot of
conflict in my mind.
I was it was just going throughthought after thought, and I
decided to say something tomaybe brighten up the mood, but
obviously did not do that atall.
SPEAKER_01 (10:44):
When uh principal officer well the prin well when
the principal and the officercame to your class, did you
think it was for you?
SPEAKER_00 (10:52):
At first, well, I didn't even see them because my
desk is like facing the front ofthe classroom and they came up
behind me and touched me on theshoulder.
So then I obviously knew it wasfor me.
What was running through yourmind at that moment?
Uh the inappropriate thing thathad popped up, I was thinking
(11:13):
about how I could defend myselfif there was anything bad I did
the day before, which thatdidn't really cross my mind.
SPEAKER_01 (11:20):
Yeah.
Yeah, one of the things Irespect about you and respect
about the situation is that youtold the truth regardless of the
cost of that.
And you said you said this joke,but you didn't say the extra
stuff that was added on there.
When they added this extralayered of comments that were
(11:41):
inappropriate and, you know,built fire around the situation,
how did that make you feel?
SPEAKER_00 (11:46):
I was kind of shocked and I felt like I needed
to defend myself because the waythey twisted it was crazy.
SPEAKER_01 (11:58):
Yeah.
What was the hardest part offinding out that you were gonna
be suspended?
Did you feel like that it wasnecessary, or do you still feel
like it was wrong of them tosuspend you in the first place?
SPEAKER_00 (12:09):
I mean, I feel like it was necessary to an extent,
but at the same time, I don'tknow how to put it.
It was just like I couldn'tbelieve I was getting suspended
because I through most of thatyear I had a pretty good
reputation, and theyacknowledged that, of course,
and I just couldn't believe Iwas getting suspended.
SPEAKER_01 (12:33):
Yeah, but I think being misunderstood definitely
hurts.
And when you said that you feltlike part of you felt like you
should have or could have beensuspended, what was that part of
you?
SPEAKER_00 (12:43):
Probably the the worser part of me, of course,
but like back in sixth grade, Imade even poor choices, but I
didn't get suspended for it.
SPEAKER_01 (12:55):
Yeah.
What type of if you feelcomfortable sharing, what type
of poor choices would you saythat you felt was worse?
SPEAKER_00 (13:03):
So I hung out with some pretty bad people, and I've
never done any of this stuffmyself, but just to fit in, I
used to say I uh smoked weed,uh, did drugs.
I never did any of that stuff.
I just said it to fit in.
SPEAKER_01 (13:19):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (13:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:22):
I feel like so often a lot of kids do that.
I mean, we at the end of theday, you want to belong, right?
You want to be a part of acommunity, you want to not feel
like an outsider.
What do you feel like?
What caused those moments foryou to say those things that
weren't true in those moments?
Was it because you wanted to fitin that you said those things?
Did you feel like if you didn'tsay them that then they would
(13:45):
exclude you?
You wouldn't be cool enough?
SPEAKER_00 (13:48):
I felt like I definitely had like a reputation
to hold up at that point intime.
And of course, those bad jokeswere part of my reputation, so
that definitely had a little bitof influence on it.
SPEAKER_01 (14:01):
Yeah.
How old are were you when youfelt like you started telling
bad jokes?
SPEAKER_00 (14:06):
Hmm.
I want to say around 12-ish,13-ish, somewhere around there.
SPEAKER_01 (14:11):
Do you remember the reason why you first started
telling bad jokes?
SPEAKER_00 (14:16):
Of course, to fit in.
SPEAKER_01 (14:18):
Yeah.
Have you do you continue now totell bad jokes?
SPEAKER_00 (14:23):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (14:23):
Yeah.
I just want to say to you this,and as we continue to go on,
that I I'm just meeting you forthe first time, but I think you
have an amazing personality, andI think that you are unique and
you are obviously very smart,and uh that you're gonna make
friends based off yourpersonality, and people are
gonna wanna be around you justbecause you're a good person,
just because you are striving todo something in life, and you're
(14:46):
gonna have much more positive,growing friends that are gonna
have so much more potential thanthe per the people that you have
to pretend in order to fit in.
That's going to drain you andthat's going to keep you in a
place that is not your fullauthentic self.
So I know that you know that andyou're becoming that, and you're
(15:06):
14 and you're growing.
But I just want to say, like,Xander, I think like already,
like you're gonna have all thefriends in the world, and just
you by being you is gonnaattract like the people that
should be around you.
unknown (15:19):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (15:20):
Thank you.
Absolutely.
What so people have people thathaven't been suspended, that's
listening to this podcast, likeduring that time, your parents,
your mom asked you, like, didyou did you tell the truth?
And you're like, Yes, mom, Itold the truth.
And your mom said, Okay, whatwas the hardest part at that
moment for you for beingsuspended?
(15:40):
What what was going through yourmind?
SPEAKER_00 (15:43):
Well, I knew it wasn't really like me to get
suspended.
And I I've always wanted to bethe smart person, but at this
time in my life, I didn't reallyhold up as a smart person, of
course.
But um, I was sad because lasttime my mom had been in that
office, she was filled with joy,and now she was filled with
(16:06):
sorrow.
So I was really in a whole a lotof regret.
SPEAKER_01 (16:11):
Yeah, absolutely.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
And did your parents at thattime did they use that as a
punishment, or they use it moreas a learning lesson and said,
Well, it's okay, we're here withyou.
SPEAKER_00 (16:24):
They used it as a learning lesson, which I'm very
thankful for.
SPEAKER_01 (16:28):
Yeah, it's a blessing to have good parents
that did that.
So you uh had signed up for somewonderful field trips.
One you weren't able to go to,but the second one you earned
because you had good behavior.
At that moment of receiving thetext message from your teacher
saying, like, you're not allowedto come anymore.
SPEAKER_00 (16:48):
How did that make you feel?
A little bit angry, a little bitsad, a little bit
unaccomplished.
I felt like I had still deservedthat despite my mistake.
But then when she said that, mythoughts went to just maybe
public school wasn't really forme.
SPEAKER_01 (17:07):
Yeah, that's a good point.
What do you how do you feel whenpeople hold over things on other
people even after they made amistake and they asked for
forgiveness and they've donetheir work?
How do you feel when they stillhold that over on them?
Do you think that's fair, or doyou think that that makes sense
that people still have thosethoughts in their head?
SPEAKER_00 (17:27):
I think that's kind of unfair, but to a degree,
depending on how bad it is, itcould kind of be okay, but
still, I feel like everybodydeserves forgiveness at some
point.
SPEAKER_01 (17:41):
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Well, at that moment, you saidyou decided that public school
maybe wasn't for you, and that,you know, choosing homeschool
maybe was.
How did it feel like leaving atraditional school where you got
on a bus or got dropped offevery day and you saw your
friends and going to ahomeschool environment?
SPEAKER_00 (18:03):
That was definitely an obstacle to get over, but it
wasn't such a big obstaclebecause I've been at points in
my life where I haven't had alot of friends and I've already
experienced it and I know how tosurvive in an ecosystem like
that.
And I felt like kind ofhomeschool felt like the light
(18:24):
at the end of the dark tunnelfor me.
SPEAKER_01 (18:27):
Yeah, I think sometimes walking away is really
walking towards, and like yousaid, you felt like homeschool
was that life for you.
And what looked like a whatlooked like it was a loss was
really alignment for you becauselook at you thriving now.
What do you think is your yourmost favorite thing about being
homeschooled versus being in atraditional school?
SPEAKER_00 (18:49):
There's a lot of free time.
Definitely the fact that youhave a lot of free time because
like I get done in with my workin about like two-ish hours
every day.
So I have plenty of free time.
I could spend that free timedoing something else productive
as well, because I have like somuch time left in the day.
SPEAKER_01 (19:15):
I love that.
Um, is there anything that youmiss about traditional school?
SPEAKER_00 (19:19):
A little bit, just the aspect of you know, having
all your friends a little bithaving the choice of like, oh, I
could do this class, but like,hold on, how do I explain this?
Like, if there was a photographyclass, then I could do like a
photography photography class,but here I can't do that so
(19:42):
much.
But at the same time, my dadused to be a photographer, so I
could still get that samelearning experience.
So mostly just the friends.
SPEAKER_01 (19:52):
Yeah.
Do you find times now to meetother homeschool friends or
other friends in general throughlike other extracurricular
activities?
SPEAKER_00 (20:03):
Definitely.
I have this friend, I've beenfriends with him since we were
like five, and I talk to himlike every day now.
He's not homeschooled, but hegoes to a Challenger High
School, which he's once he getsdone with Challenger, he'll have
like an associate's degreepretty much.
SPEAKER_01 (20:22):
Oh wow.
That's for that's great.
I love that.
Let's talk about now.
You have new opportunities, newlife, and you're in a homeschool
environment, you're thriving,you are assigned to agencies and
you're pursuing the arts.
Tell us about everything thatyou're doing right now.
So or whatever you want to tellus.
SPEAKER_00 (20:42):
Yeah.
So now, after I get finishedwith my regular work, I do the
cybersecurity course, of course,because I want to pursue
cybersecurity.
But at the same time, there's somany other things that interest
me.
I can't focus on justcybersecurity, like healthcare,
(21:03):
psychology, protection of thecountry.
So much interests me.
I can't just pinpoint things.
So that's why I try to get alittle tiny bit of everything.
SPEAKER_01 (21:16):
I love that.
I think that is incredible thatat the age of 14, you're focused
on cybersecurity right now.
You're gonna be the next geniusof B could be like in the
presidential cabinet if you wantto.
I think that's phenomenal.
What made you want to docybersecurity?
What made you interested inhealthcare?
(21:36):
What made you interested in allof these things?
Is it because of your parents,or is it uh do you know what you
want to be when you grow up?
SPEAKER_00 (21:42):
I mean So what interested me in cybersecurity
is well, my dad had a degree inlike cybersecurity when he was
in college, but also not toolong ago, I had this incident
happen to me online where thisperson said that they were gonna
steal my information andpossibly link it to a bomb
(22:03):
threat.
So we had the police come andthey've said it's okay, we'll
just write my name down and makesure that it's not associated
with it, of course.
And then that made me reallywant to focus on how I protected
myself online.
Yeah.
And then for healthcare, mymom's a dentist.
(22:27):
So that kind of just jump startshow you look into healthcare in
a way.
And yeah.
And for what I want to be when Igrow up, it definitely
differentiates so often.
Like not too long ago I wantedto be a dentist and then I
(22:49):
wanted to be a healthcarecybersecurity specialist.
And then at one point I wantedto work for the CIA and now I'm
focusing kind of on psychology alittle bit.
SPEAKER_01 (23:00):
Yeah I love that.
I love that wow you're livingproof that redirection does work
and that you can also explore avariety of things.
I mean you're 14, I say try itall and see what you really love
and see what you're like, youknow what?
I'm not sure about that.
And you're learning it young.
You mentioned a lot about faithand maturity in your essay.
(23:24):
How has your faith grown in thisprocess of everything that has
happened?
SPEAKER_00 (23:29):
So it's really shown to me how you know there's
always a plan.
You really have to trust andit's really strengthened my
relationship with God a lot.
And maturity wise since I'mhomeschooled now and I don't
have all of those friendsfueling me bad jokes and whatnot
(23:52):
I can kind of form like form myown personality and maturity and
yeah I love that.
SPEAKER_01 (24:02):
Yeah you're able to fill yourself with positivity.
You're able to fill yourselfwith faith and with joy in those
things that the resources andthings that come with that.
I love that you were able totake out the negative and insert
the positive in unique ways.
I think like something that'simportant to say is like wisdom
doesn't come with age it comeswith experience and through your
(24:22):
experiences you have developedmore wisdom and you could be 14
with wisdom or you could be 77with wisdom but I love that
you're really doing this foryourself.
If you could talk to another kidright now that feels really
misunderstood and they feel likethey've been pinned down as the
bad person or they were the onethat did this and they've been
(24:45):
disciplined for something thatthey took as a joke what would
you tell them?
SPEAKER_00 (24:51):
Tell them probably watch how think about what you
say before you say it and trustin yourself, believe that the
process will roll out intosomething better.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (25:04):
I love that Xander your story reminds us is that
our mistakes don't make us butour choices do and it's how we
pick up ourselves after the facteven when we are misunderstood
or even if we throw a joke andit actually turns out to be
worse off than what we thoughtand the choices that we make
next is what drives change.
(25:25):
You're 14, you're doingincredible things is there any
last words that you want toleave with us here on the
Resilience fouse?
SPEAKER_00 (25:34):
First of all I just want to highlight how thankful I
am to be in the position that Iam right now.
And I just want to say no matteranything bad that happens there
will always be a good outcomeand just think about what you
say before you say it.
SPEAKER_01 (25:52):
I think that one of the things that resonated a lot
in your story and even you saidlike since 12 is that like
everybody wants to fit in.
SPEAKER_00 (26:01):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (26:02):
You feel like if someone's listening today or
someone like maybe a mom or dadis listening or a grandma
grandpa or someone and they wantto give this child some advice
and they feel like I just wantto fit in I don't under like
they're struggling to fit in.
So they feel like they have tomake something up in order to
stay in that circle in thatgroup.
(26:22):
What would you tell that person?
SPEAKER_00 (26:24):
Like how do they how do they say like no this is not
this isn't what you should dolike what would you tell that
person in the end fitting indoesn't matter be yourself as
much as possible and do what youknow is right.
SPEAKER_01 (26:41):
Yeah.
I love that thank you.
SPEAKER_00 (26:45):
Of course I just want to say don't try to fit in
just be yourself period and Idon't have any social media at
the moment I try to stay off ofsocial media mainly because it
has played such a big part in mylife that I kind of went away
from it now and I just want toexperience what's outside go
(27:08):
look at nature go experiencelife and that's another thing I
want to leave with the people Ilove that.
SPEAKER_01 (27:15):
So if you hear Xander's story get off social
media go experience nature getoutdoors experience life.
And if you're listening to thisand something didn't work out or
something took the wrongdirection that you never saw it
going it doesn't mean it's over.
It might mean that this new pathis going to lead you to more
(27:38):
opportunities and a better peaceof mind.
If you hear this episode todayand you know that you have a
young person in your life thatneeds to hear this story to let
them know that despite any badthat has happened that good is
still to come and to alsoencourage them to be mindful of
what they say and the choicesthat they make.
(27:59):
We appreciate you Xander foryour courage for your
vulnerability for sharing yourstory we wish you so much
success in the future with everysingle thing that you do.
And you're always welcome backon the Resilient spouse podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (28:12):
I know that you're gonna get older I was nominated
to represent actually in Bostonin June I am representing North
Carolina for the Congress ofyoung medical leaders.
SPEAKER_01 (28:23):
My goodness I am so proud of you and I'm so happy
that you are surrounded byamazing parents that continue to
support you in this manyblessings on that journey.
Congratulations that is no smallfeat you should be very very
proud of yourself.
And I hope that someone listensto the story today and be
(28:44):
reminded that it is not over.
It is just beginning and to justkeep putting one foot in front
of the next and remind yourselfthat if you got to take yourself
out of the environment that iskeeping you in a mindset or a
feeling that's not comfortableremove yourself and put yourself
in a better environment that youcan thrive in.
Thank you, Xander
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