Effective Communication with you is broken - Sex Addict

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"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable." — David Augsburger 

Listening effectively is a very valuable gift to someone. It is costly. It values the other person. It is learned and must be practiced. There is a difference between hearing and listening. Listening means that the information stops in the brain and is processed and digested. When information is not digested, then you will find you did not really listen to it and take it in and it quickly is forgotten. 

Five types of poor listeners: 

1. The advisor: instead of seeking to understand and empathise, they will want to sort out the problem by proposing a fix it. Sometimes the person who has spoken, only wanted to be heard and listened to without a solution. We men can struggle with that. What – no advice wanted! 

2. The interrupter: whilst a person is speaking, they are already working out a reply and interrupt when they think they have the answer, before all is shared. Whilst the brain is working out the reply they are not truly listening. Sometimes we are not aware that we interrupt each other. 

3. The reassurer: is a person who perhaps interrupts prematurely and gives advice that may belittle what has been said. For example, “It’II be OK”.

4. The rationaliser: that person focuses on explaining why the other feels the way they do. The replies may actually totally miss the point. 

5. The deflector: perhaps feels uncomfortable with the subject matter and instead of commenting on the issue, moves the conversation off into a different arena. Often ends up talking more about themself.

Sometimes we cannot see it. Sometimes we need some help to see it. Sometimes the constraints are self-imposed. Sometimes we need to remove the shackles from our own minds so that we can think outside of the box.  

We can teach our brains to say the right things, but our heart can betray us. In other words, whilst we are saying what we have rehearsed in our minds, our body language could be giving off a very different impression and contradict our spoken words!  The other person is likely to detect that we are not really listening and feel devalued. 

Repeatedly devaluing the other person, causes core emotional needs to be depleting. Fight and/or flight will start to come out as they seek to get those needs met elsewhere.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

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Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

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