November 28, 2025 • 44 mins
In this powerful episode of The Sober Butterfly Podcast, Nadine sits down with Bryan Power to explore how attachment styles, childhood wounds, emotional triggers, and deep inner work can transform relationships from the inside out.
Bryan shares his remarkable journey—from a sudden breakup and restraining order to rebuilding a healthier, stronger marriage through self-awareness and integrated attachment theory. Together, they unpack the six pillars of emotional healing inspired by Thais Gibson’s work: core wounds, needs, emotions, boundaries, communication, and behaviors.
This episode offers actionable tools for anyone navigating relationship challenges, breaking toxic patterns, or healing from trauma. Whether you’re partnered, single, or somewhere in between, Bryan’s story is a reminder that change is possible—and love can be rebuilt when we learn to understand ourselves.
Resources Mentioned:
📌 Book a Free 60-Minute Relationship Strategy Call with Bryan:
https://www.myrelationshipfail.com/
📌 Mel Robbins x Thais Gibson Episode:
“Why Do I Love the Way That I Love: The 4 Attachment Styles Explained”
📌 Follow Bryan on Social Media:
Instagram: @myrelationshipfail
📌 Follow Nadine / The Sober Butterfly:
Instagram: @the.soberbutterfly
TikTok: @thesoberbutterfly
YouTube: The Sober Butterfly
Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services refereed to in this episode.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
the-sober-butterfly_8_11-26 (00:00):
Hey butterflies.
the-sober-butterfly_5_1 (00:00):
Welcome back to another episode of The
Sober Butterfly.
I'm your host, Nadine, and
the-sober-butterfly_8_11 (00:07):
Before we get into today's episode, a
quick warning.
This episode may make you wantto go to therapy.
My guest today takes us into thereal work core wounds, needs,
communication, and how torebuild love from the inside
out.
the-sober-butterfly_5_11- (00:24):
Bryan Power.
Reached out to me with a storyhe said that he wished someone
had shared with him on hishardest days.
Earlier this year, bryan and hiswife went through something.
Most couples I fear, don't comeback from a sudden breakup.
A restraining order.
(00:45):
Yeah, you heard me right.
And a deep, painful unravelingof their relationship.
But instead of giving up, Bryanused that breaking point as a
doorway.
Into healing.
What he learned.
From attachment styles,childhood wounds, emotional
patterns, and basically how torebuild connection turned out to
(01:09):
be the very thing thatultimately saved his marriage
and changed his life.
I think this episode is helpfulwhether you are single,
partnered, healing, somewhere inbetween.
This is a great reminder thatit's never too late to
understand yourself, tocommunicate and show up
differently and to buildhealthier relationships from the
(01:30):
inside out.
So grab your favorite nonna,bevy.
Take a breath, maybe even grab anotebook.
You're gonna take some notes.
Settle in and let's get intothis powerful, deeply human
conversation with Bryan.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11 (01:50):
Bryan.
Welcome to the Sober Butterfly.
How are you today?
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_18 (01:54):
Hey Nadine, thanks so much for
having me on the show today.
I'm excited to be on the SoberButterfly and yeah, I personally
was a, a Caterpillar one timeand I've definitely bloomed a
little bit and hopefully I'm alittle bit more of a butterfly
today.
But some of the information Ihopefully can share with your
audience today will help themalso become butterflies and will
be able to hopefully have somebetter relationships.
So I'm excited to be here andthank you so much for giving the
opportunity to share my story.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2 (02:15):
I love that.
Thank you for sharing.
And it's a metamorphosis hereover at the the Sober Butterfly.
So thank you for acknowledgingthat transformation process.
And we're gonna get into alittle bit more about
understanding how we can, youknow, metamorphosize into that
butterfly.
So, Bryan, you know, I justwanna start right where your
email began and.
I wanna start there becausehonestly it really hit me and
(02:38):
you said that, or you mentionedin this email earlier this year
that you went from a breakup andquite literally a restraining
order with your wife to astronger marriage.
And I'm like, that's a huge arc.
So can you walk us through thatmoment or those moments, like
what actually happened and whatwas going on internally for you
(02:59):
at that time?
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (03:00):
Yeah, I mean, it was a, it was a crazy
year, 20, 24, early on in theyear.
My wife and I was, we had oneanother fight about parenting.
A lot of our problems came inwhen my, our, my son was born in
2019.
I have a stepdaughter from herfirst marriage.
Who at the time was thir 13 in2024?
My son at that point was fourand a half.
And so we had a pretty goodmarriage, pretty good
relationship.
(03:21):
Lot of love.
But you know, we had our typicalfights and, and we didn't know
how to really work through ourfights.
We really didn't know how tocommunicate them properly and
get them solved and everythingelse.
So.
It's kinda like death by athousand paper cuts.
You know, over time these thingswere just kind of more
festering.
And ultimately in 2024, we hadanother fight about my son and
some parenting styledifferences.
And she would, at that point,challenge me to see a therapist
(03:41):
and, and I said, okay, fairenough.
You know what?
I'm willing to see what I can doand see if I can learn
something, but.
I challenge you to see atherapist as well, because this
isn't gonna work that way.
We both need to do some work,and I truly believed in my mind
that she was the one with allthe problems.
And of course, in her mind, Iwas the one with all the
problems.
And so what I learned first andforemost is a lot of times both
of us have problems.
We're we both have issues thatwe're, we're bringing into this
(04:02):
relationship and handling thingsin a way.
That aren't healthy and notreally moving the needle to have
a really great connection and,and a really great relationship.
And so I think the first steptowards any healing is really
acknowledging that there is aproblem and that we need to
solve it and move forward.
And so, so we were both seeingsome therapists at that point
and literally for about the nextfour months, she was doing a lot
(04:22):
of deep.
Childhood trauma work with aspecialist that she was working
with.
And while that was reallyhelpful to her, at the same
time, it was kind of adding alittle fuel to the fire.
'cause a lot of her childhoodemotions and trauma was, was
coming up in therapy and it wasalso just playing out in our
lives and relationships.
And that's where I learned a lotabout this, is that a lot of the
subconscious is really runningthe show here.
(04:43):
And all of our childhood woundswere actually playing out and
clashing, if you will.
And that's really where thiskind of really devolved into.
A fairly decent relationshipwith some issues down to, like,
things got really crazy and forabout four months of complete
emotional turmoil it became adisaster and to the point where
she would ultimately seek arestraining order for emotional
(05:04):
safety.
I never really threatened my,never, excuse me, not never
really, I never threatened mywife with physical harm.
I'm not that kind of guy.
I don't believe in that.
But for emotional stability.
I couldn't do it anymore.
And so, she finally reached fora restraining order, put that
against me.
And at that point I really feltlike the relationship was over.
I didn't understand what wasgoing on.
It was so crazy and tumultuousand I was just left kind of
(05:25):
wondering what's going on here?
But at that point it didn'tmatter.
I was trying to put my life backtogether and I was fortunate
enough to spend some time with afriend of mine who lived in the
area.
He was also going through adivorce.
And him and I were able to kindahelp each other.
You know, be there for eachother a little bit emotionally
and kind of strengthen eachother and for the next four and
a half months while we wereseparated.
I was doing work that I had comeacross about attachment theory
(05:47):
and something called integratedAttachment Theory, which was
created by Thais Gibson out ofCanada, T-H-A-I-S Gibson
G-I-B-S-O-N.
And I had come across her workabout, about a month before
actually the restraining orderhappened, and I was fascinated
learning about attachment theoryand attachment styles.
I think there was a lot ofinformation there to be had.
And then the work that ThaisGibson does.
(06:09):
Really begins to move the needleand keeps us from getting us
from the unhealthy attachmentstyles closer to the attachment
styles closer to the secureattachment style, excuse me.
And and that was the work I justdecided to delve into and
ultimately would, would help putmy life back together, my
relationship back together.
And now I help others do thesame with that information that
I've learned.
So.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-1 (06:28):
That is beautiful to hear.
I love a story that is rooted,obviously in love.
But then when that love isquote, like lost, but you are
able to reclaim it, it's almost,I don't know why this comes up,
but I'm thinking like, if youlove something, let it go.
And if it comes back to you,then you truly know
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (06:45):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-1 (06:45):
it's kind of giving that energy to
me.
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (06:48):
Yeah,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18- (06:48):
so many questions I wanna obviously
into.
Everything you shared
bryan-power_2_11-18 (06:53):
absolutely.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18 (06:54):
one of the first questions.
It is, forgive me, it's, it'ssuch a low bar question, but
like, I have to ask, how are youserved?
How did you get your papers,your restraining Because I'm
like, that must, I'm justimagining like, knock, knock at
the door.
I'm thinking it's, I
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (07:07):
Well, to be honest with you, I had
taken my son to the, to the redSox game that day.
And when I got home, she wassitting on the porch and she
said, we need to talk.
And I was like, what's going on?
And she goes.
You need to get outta the house,I'm gonna put a restraining
order against you.
And something had happened thatshe thought I did, but
ultimately later on she wouldrealize that it wasn't the
actual story that actuallyhappened.
But at this point, she, she wasmad about something that she
(07:28):
thought I had done.
And I'm like, okay.
And I just was like, whoa, whatis going on here?
So I just grabbed my stuff and,and got outta the house.
And then she did ultimately putthat restraining order on me.
So I got a phone call sayingthat, you know that, yeah.
It was a phone call that saidthat, you know, you, your wife
has put up.
Restraining order against you,blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, okay.
And then I forget how I got,yeah.
(07:48):
So, and then Ulti, I had noplace to live, so it wasn't like
they could serve me at a placewhere I was living or anything
like that.
But ultimately I just, you know,like a week later we had to go
down and, and they, that's theopportunity to extend the
restraining order.
'cause first they issue atemporary.
Then you have to get it extendedat that point.
I was done with therelationship.
I thought it was over.
I just was like, okay.
I had a lawyer that was, youknow, we went in there, just
tried to talk to her and see ifwe'd just get some, you know,
(08:11):
visitation, start talking abouthow we're gonna parent our kid.
But she decided to go forwardwith the restraining order.
So we just said, all right,well, it is what it is.
We let her have the restrainingorder.
We didn't even fight it, and wejust figured we'd kinda move on
and, and pick this up later andkind of deal with it later on.
Worry about you know, the battlethat we need to go from there.
And so that's kind of just theway it came about.
But it was really awfulexperience.
Top, top to bottom.
This whole thing was, you know,I talk about it now and it's
(08:33):
pretty calm and it's prettychill and like, okay, all this
stuff happened.
But no, it was, it was a crazytime.
And restraining order is veryserious.
It's not something you reallywant to deal with.
I truly just,
the-sober-butterfly_ (08:43):
experience with that
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (08:44):
yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_ (08:44):
college.
I
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (08:45):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-1 (08:46):
into it here, but yeah, I understand
the severity of a, a
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (08:49):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18- (08:49):
so I hope you don't take offense to
me making light of
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_18 (08:53):
No.
the-sober-butterfly_2 (08:54):
literally like, how are you served?
Like,
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_18 (08:55):
No, absolutely.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2 (08:57):
I have, I'm thinking of my lived
experience with that.
From
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (09:01):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18 (09:01):
the day.
But I also wanna touch on thefact that you mentioned this
time both you and your wife arein therapy, so you're, you know,
independently doing some work
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (09:12):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-1 (09:12):
With professionals.
And I raised that point becausethen you also mentioned that she
was doing a lot of childhoodwork, like unraveling some of
those wounds and like tending tothose.
And it's just interestingbecause I'm also hearing from
your story that.
point of conflict seemed to beparenting.
And from what I understand abouttheory, and by the way, my scope
(09:35):
of understanding is simply fromthe book attached that so many
people have read, and I highlyrecommend that book.
But you know, I learned a lotabout my personal attachment
style, which we can get into,and I'd love to learn more about
your personal attachment styleand your wife's, but a big part
of Me referencing the attachmenttheory is that so much of it
derives from childhood wounds,right?
Like, so if you are more of theavoidant type that could be
(09:58):
because in childhood you felt asense of neglect and that
festers into maybe a sense ofover compensating with
independence or feeling like youdon't wanna rely on other people
because you don't wanna be letdown.
So there's so many, like nuancethere and gray area, but I, I
bring it up to say like, do you.
Realize now in retrospect thatmaybe the work that your wife
(10:18):
was doing in therapy, excavatingparts of her past was coming
forth into your relationship andimpacting it in that way.
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (10:27):
Yeah, I think the wounds were already
playing out and, and that's whywe were having some issues
subconsciously.
But then when she started doingthe, the, the work.
I think it was really touchingher even more emotionally and so
that those wounds were reallyjust now, they were open and
festering, if you will.
And so it really just added alittle fuel to the fire of our,
already at that point,emotional, you know, situation.
(10:49):
It really just kind of added alittle fuel to the fire at that
time.
Ultimate.
Yeah, ultimately it proviprovided a lot of healing.
And so that work ultimatelywith, for my Wife, was very, the
therapeutic and the, and thework that she did with her
therapist was phenomenal.
But early on it, again, it justseemed to make things, you know,
really crazier and, and a littlefor that time.
But again I think the best thingthat ever happened to us,
(11:11):
honestly was the restrainingorder and that time away.
Where we could actually work onourselves, focus on our, our own
thoughts, our own visions, ourown issues, if you will, and not
blaming the other person.
We had to both look at ourselvesat that time,
the-sober-butterfly_2_01-08 (11:24):
And now a quick word from our
partners.
the-sober-butterfly_25_12 (11:29):
Okay, butterflies, let me let you in
on a little secret.
Self care is so much more thanjust bubble baths, it's about
finding what makes you feel yourvery best, inside and out.
And that's why I've beenobsessed with ClassPass for
years.
Whether I'm crushing a Pilatesclass, getting a fresh blowout,
(11:51):
or treating myself to a relaxingfacial, ClassPass lets me
explore all kinds of fitness andwellness options.
With just one membership, I canbook workouts, beauty
treatments, and so much more allin one app.
I've been a member since 2016,and I've booked over 500
(12:11):
reservations.
ClassPass makes it easy and funto prioritize my health and
happiness all the while stayingon budget.
And because I want you to feeljust as amazing as I do, I've
got an exclusive offer for mylisteners.
Sign up with my special link andyou'll get a free trial And 20
bonus credits to use toward anyclasses or services you want to
(12:34):
try.
So what are you waiting for?
Take that first step towardfeeling your best.
Head to ClassPass to get startedtoday.
Bryan Power (12:46):
Yeah, I actually think one of the best things
that happened to us was therestraining order.
It, it's kind of funny to saythat, but that restraining order
actually would put a dividebetween us where we had to both
focus on ourselves, our ownhealing, our own journey, and
really take a look at what wasour issues and did a lot of
self-reflection for both sidesand, and that time away because
we did the work and we bothworking on ourselves.
(13:06):
You know, pretty good.
That work would ultimately payoff and allow us to come back
together.
And, and we saw a lot of our ownflaws.
We stop blaming the other personso much and again, I learned a
lot of tools as well that wewere able to begin to practice
and still practice today on howto actually have a better
relationship because my wife andI didn't know how to really do
that.
We were just kind of going alongwith it as best we could.
(13:26):
Right.
But because we really didn'tcome from, you know, really good
upbringings where we saw good,healthy relationships.
We were just kind of winging itand of course it wasn't working.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (13:35):
Yeah,
Bryan Power (13:35):
just wasn't working.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18- (13:36):
or like mimicking.
You know, past experiences orlike what you saw growing up.
I'd love to learn from you andalso if you don't mind
explaining to folks at home.
A little bit more aboutattachment theory.
Like what is attachment in termsof like these wounds that we may
be holding onto or like thesearchetypes that define us.
(13:57):
Can you explain that and then ifyou don't mind also sharing
Bryan Power (14:00):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-1 (14:00):
your attachment style
Bryan Power (14:01):
My attachment style, just so you know, is I'm
more fearful of, oh, let's talkabout attachment
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-1 (14:05):
Yes.
Bryan Power (14:06):
attachment theory first is it, it was kind of
created in the fifties, butreally became popular in the
seventies and now it's stillpopular today in the therapy
world.
And it really has to do with howdo we attach to each other in
relationships?
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-1 (14:17):
Hmm.
Bryan Power (14:17):
And, and it has a lot to do with.
You know, our wounds and, andour communications and, and
different styles and patternsthat we kind of have.
And it, we basically fall intoone of four categories.
Number one, you have a secureattachment style.
That person is somebody whoknows how to communicate fairly
well.
They have their emotions prettybalanced.
They, they look at relationshipsas important, but of course, you
know, if they break up with youor things don't work out you
(14:39):
know, they're okay with that.
They kind of hurt a little bit,but they move on.
It's not like, oh my God, theend of the world.
They're just balanced.
They know how to set boundaries.
It's the one that we all want tobe, and, and that's the way we
kind of want to get to where weknow how to do these things.
Unfortunately, for most of us,especially if we came from some
broken homes and stuff, reallyhard for us to do that without
learning that and, and figuringit out.
So we fall into one of the otherthree categories, which isn't
(15:02):
anxious, preoccupied.
You have somebody who reallycraves attention in
relationships, really lovescloseness.
Very, you know, tight with theiremotions.
A lot of communication.
They like to communicate all thetime, sometimes to the point
where it's too much, right?
Maybe you're communicating 10times a day and it's like, Hey,
I'm working.
You know, like, gimme a break.
It can just be overboard.
A lot of people pleasing inthere.
put the relationship so high andso valuable because they don't
(15:24):
wanna be alone.
They have a fear of being alone,fear of being abandoned.
Not good enough.
So they're always trying to earnyour love and they can be very
good people and everything else,but sometimes to the point where
it's, again, unhealthy.
and a lot of times, yeah, theyjust abandon themselves for the
sake of the relationship.
And ultimately that's a, that'san issue.
So number one, anxious rein.
On the flip side of that iswhat's called a dismissive
avoidant.
(15:44):
Dismissive avoidance typicallyare very hyper independent.
They they really have a hardtime.
Getting in touch with theiremotions.
If emotions are bad, you know,if we're emotional, that's a bad
thing.
So they really don't like to gothere at all.
If they do, again, they like toisolate, kind of deal with that
on their own.
They have a communication styleof mostly communicating through
their actions.
So a lot of times you know, theyjust think they did something.
You're supposed to understandthat without fully them
(16:07):
communicating it in regard, youknow, in their mind it's, it's
more through their actions.
You should know that.
Which is very difficult.
And yeah, it's just so you cansee if somebody is dismissive,
avoidant and somebody else ismore anxious and they're in a
relationship together andsomebody's trying to get a lot
of connection attention andsomebody else is trying to pull
away and get more space, that'sa problem.
And that's kind of where my wifeand I fell into
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18-2 (16:27):
I feel like that's a common part
pairing, I may have even readsomething in the book.
It's been a while, but like thatsaid, that anxious and avoidance
tend to find each other inrelationships and sort of like
this push and pull pendulumbetween, ghosting and love
bombing and like this back andforth because the anxious person
is so eager to please and needthat validation.
(16:49):
And the avoidant person may atfirst like appreciate the
attention, but then pushes themaway and it forces the anxious
person to react by comingcloser.
And so it's this constant backand forth.
So anyway.
So you and your wife's dynamic,it sounds like, fell into this
Bryan Power (17:03):
Yeah,
the-sober-butterfly_3 (17:04):
category.
Bryan Power (17:04):
the end of it, that's really what was
happening.
My wife was leaning a lot moredismissive at the time.
I was actually the one leaningmore anxious, preoccupied, and
as she began to pull away andtrying to figure her life out
and trying to understand things,you know, she was looking for a
lot of space and telling me shedidn't know anything.
She couldn't figure herself out.
I was like, what is going on?
So.
anxiety started to get triggeredand my fear of abandonment for
(17:25):
my, for my own childhood beganto get triggered.
And so my anxiety came up and Iwas trying to hold onto the
relationship.
I was trying to keep the familytogether.
And the more I tried to do that,the more she wanted to pull
away.
And
the-sober-butterfly_3_11 (17:33):
Right.
Bryan Power (17:34):
pull dynamic comes in.
And again, that was really theemotional turmoil that we were
experiencing.
So, not knowing that really is abig problem.
Had I known that.
Sooner we would've been able tokind of maybe navigate those
waters a lot better.
And so that is something thatI'm very thankful today that
I've learned.
So I, I kind of can see that.
And just so you know, the last,last anxious, the last you know,
avoidant style that we have,unhealthy attachment style is
(17:56):
called fearful avoidant.
Some people call it disorganizedbut we call it fearful avoidant.
And that person really swingsboth ways.
They have a lot of core wounds.
On both sides.
And they swing towards theanxious sometimes where they're
very connected, feeling prettygood.
But then maybe the next weekthey're, they're, they're, know,
breaking up with you for noreason.
They have a real problem withtrust and stuff, and they're
just like, okay.
You know, also very inindependent at times.
(18:18):
They just go back and forth andthat, that could really be a
challenge too, because.
Who can be in a relationshipwhere it gets really kind of all
over, and that's what they'reused to.
A lot of times it's that chaosthat they kind of grew up with
and sometimes they have tocreate it just to kind of feel
safe and normal.
That's what they're used to.
So unfortunately those threethough are, are difficult to be
in relationships with long term,you know?
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (18:35):
Let's take a gander.
Which of the four do you think Ifall into?
We just met, we, we just met forthe first time, Ryan, but I'm
asking.
Bryan Power (18:44):
I dunno, I'm gonna lean towards anxious because you
seem like a friendly, outgoingperson.
A lot of times the anxiouspreoccupied tend to be outgoing,
so I'm gonna say anxious, but Idon't know.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18- (18:52):
I, I think default.
At first I thought I was anxiousbecause I've shown up that way
and a lot of my like childhoodwounds come from that fear of
like abandonment and or needingto feel validated in my worth
and external validation was theway that I sought that.
But I've also been inrelationships and I think this
is true to where someone canactivate a different type of
(19:15):
attachment style based off ofhow they behave.
To where I've been moredismissive, avoidant because I
feel like the other person isanxious and it that makes me.
Want to kind of, I don't know,back up and get, get some air
come up for air.
So now though, in hearing youexplain all four archetypes, I
wasn't so privy to the last one,which is the disorganized, where
(19:39):
you can kind of swing both waysor all over the place.
I think that's actually morereflective of me.
The chaos.
Yeah.
I create it in my life, even insobriety.
Bryan Power (19:49):
I am that way as well.
I think I, I, it's funny'cause alot of us that I talk to believe
that almost all of us are kindof like that fearful avoidant
and we just kinda lean one wayor another A lot of times.
There are some people that aremore, definitely more hardcore,
dismissive, avoidance anddefinitely some more that are
lean, absolutely more anxious.
But I think a lot of people Italk to seem to fall into that
that, that, that, that middleground where we're desk all over
(20:09):
the place.
So yeah, it doesn't surprise me,you know, we're, we're in that
fearful avoidance style and I'mthe same.
So I totally get it.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (20:15):
So, okay.
You and your wife are at thisplace where there's no
reconciliation in sight, butthen obviously through doing the
work and taking the time apart,you realize that.
At some point, both of yourealize that like, we do wanna
work on this and we do wannamake our marriage work and keep
our family together.
So my question for you, Bryan,is what tools or exercises
(20:36):
change everything for you?
Bryan Power (20:39):
Yeah, I mean, so the first thing that I had to do
and, and I think the first thingthat really brought everything
back was actually letting it go,and you had talked about that a
little bit early on, is that,you know, I wasn't.
Fighting to get the relationshipback.
I was doing the work so I couldlet it all go and, and get more
confident and comfortable withmyself again, finding myself
and, and letting it go andaccepting that maybe we're just
(20:59):
not meant to be together forrest of our lives.
And that's just the way it issometimes.
And, you know, I, I just wanteda good, healthy relationship
with somebody.
I thought it was gonna be her.
And so, you know, that idea hasto, you have to finally get to
that point where you say, okay,maybe it's not, and, and if
that's the case, then so whatyou know, I wish her, well, I I,
I didn't have any animosity.
I was actually, I used to tellher if I'd rather her be with
somebody else and be happy thanto be with me and be miserable.
(21:20):
And so I, I had to prove thatnow I had to actually, could I
really
the-sober-butterfly_3_1 (21:23):
That's,
Bryan Power (21:23):
Right?
Could I, I really mean thatthough now?
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (21:26):
yeah.
Bryan Power (21:27):
like, finally I got to that point where I could say,
yes, you know what, if that'sthe case and she's happy with
somebody else, then I wish herwell and that's great.
I just wanna
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (21:33):
Can I say that?
I have to say it now.
'cause you said I wish her welltwice.
Do you know who Cardi B is?
Bryan?
Bryan Power (21:39):
Yes.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (21:39):
Well, the, the rappers, she, there's a
very funny scene where she'slike, I wish you well, she's
like, I wish you well.
And hell, and it's just likethat, like, dot dot, dot.
It's like, I wish you well, Iwish you well.
Dot dot.
I'm sorry I had to start atfirst.
I wasn't gonna say it, but thenyou said it twice of like, okay.
Do you wish her, well, I'm sureyou did wish her well, but like,
also like.
Bryan Power (21:59):
and that,
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18-2 (21:59):
I want, I want us to work.
Bryan Power (22:01):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (22:01):
I'm sure, yes.
Bryan Power (22:03):
But I think that's a key to really getting a good
relationship is, is not feelinglike you have to have that
person and, and understand andjust being happy for them,
regardless of who they chooseand what they choose.
Now, you know, my wife and I, asit turned out, she would choose
me and, and ultimately we wouldput this back together, but it
was a letting go that actuallyallowed me to heal more.
And then when I, I actuallyapologized for my part in the
relationship.
I was able to one day just havea quick conversation with her.
(22:26):
just say, Hey, look, I, I just,I'm sorry for the, the way I
showed up a little bit and Iwish I could have done some
things differently and I, youknow, I wish you well.
And she said, well, I don'twanna be with anybody else.
I still love you the whole bit.
And I, and I was just like, wow.
Like I wasn't expecting that,right.
I was just.
just kinda like, wow.
So I was taken by that and atthat point we said, okay, well
if that's the case, you know,let's get the restraining order
off and we can move forward andsee what we can do.
(22:47):
And so it still took anothermonth and a half to get the
restraining order off.
So we couldn't even talk duringthat time.
'cause I, I wanted to honor thatrestraining order as much as
possible.
It's a very scary thing to
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (22:56):
Yeah.
Bryan Power (22:56):
you wanna be as honorable to that as possible.
And so I just waited until wegot the restraining order off
and at that point we were thenable to communicate and begin to
hang out, spend some timetogether.
And it was obvious, I think fromthe beginning that, you know,
things were different.
She admitted to me that, youknow, I was her mirror and that
all the things that she thoughtwas wrong with me were actually
a lot of her own
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (23:14):
Oh.
Bryan Power (23:15):
Right?
And, and same thing.
You know, a lot of things again,I thought were wrong, were her
issues, were were also my own.
And I had to take ownership ofthose things.
And so.
That was a big awareness, Ithink, for both of us.
And then we began to practicesome of the skills and some of
the new tools and be open tolearning these things and
practicing them and doing themdifferently.
And so as we began to do that,we realized, wow, you know what?
I think we might be able to makethis thing work.
(23:35):
Because even though therestraining order comes off,
those first couple of months arestill kinda like, whoa, you
know, not sure how that's gonnago until you're able to really
kinda spend some time.
But yeah, that's kinda how thatwent down.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (23:44):
Yeah.
Thank you for sharing all ofthat.
So let's get into the sixpillars, because I would love to
hear, I only know the littlesnippet of attached theory from
that book.
So like, talk to us about thesix pillars.
Bryan Power (23:59):
Yeah.
So the six pillars of theintegrated attachment Theory
created by Tyse Gibson outtaCanada again is number one, it's
your core wounds, and those arethe subconscious wounds that are
driving the bus, if you will.
And, and that's the thing wedon't even realize we're doing
it a lot of times, and you canhave wounds like, you know, fear
of abandonment, fear of beingalone, not good enough, unsafe.
Unheard, all these, all thesedifferent wounds that can kind
(24:21):
of play out and we don't evenrealize we're doing it.
And 95 to 97% of our decisionsin life are made by the
subconscious.
And the other thing I learned isthat the conscious cannot out
will or overcome thesubconscious.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (24:33):
Oh.
Bryan Power (24:34):
even though consciously, yeah, so even
though consciously I'm thinkingone thing, my subconscious is
gonna drive that train adifferent way I haven't healed
those wounds, it's gonna go theway it wants to regardless of
how much.
I wanna do something, right?
So I, we always talk about like,let's say you go want to go to
the gym and you wanna get inshape, okay?
But let's just say after thefirst week, you know, now of a
sudden on Tuesday you wantcomfort and you want connection
(24:56):
with your friends.
So what am I gonna do?
I'm gonna now say, oh, forgetthe gym.
I'm gonna go out with mybuddies, you know, hang out,
have some wings, and, and, andconnect and chill out and, and
feel some comfort.
And so it, it's like we'resabotaging ourselves, but we're
not.
It's that the brain.
Wants what it wants and it'sgonna get what it wants
immediately, no matter how badit is, long term.
And so that's why we have to dothe work to heal the wounds.
(25:18):
So we don't have thosebehaviors, we don't have those,
quote unquote, if you will sub,you know, sabotaging
self-sabotaging behaviors.
So number one, core wounds, veryimportant work on those.
Number two is our needs.
What are my true needs?
What do I really need in mydaily life?
What do I want outta life?
And then how do I fill thoseneeds on my own so I'm not
outsourcing my needs to myspouse, my friends.
You know, everybody else aroundme.
So when I do that, that's a big,benefit to me.
(25:40):
Number three, it's emotions.
How do I deal with my emotions?
How do I, number one, getcontrol of them?
Number two, what can I learnfrom my emotions?
Because emotions are justinformation.
So if I'm angry, I can backtrackthat and say, well, why am I
angry?
What is really causing me to beangry or fearful?
What am I afraid of?
Why do I feel so afraid rightnow?
And, and I'm talking at timeswhen it, there shouldn't be
(26:00):
there, right?
So all of a sudden, you know,,I'm feeling really anxious and
my fear comes up.
of a sudden I, if I think back,it's because I feel like, you
know, my spouse is gonna breakup with me.
Maybe because we're having alittle argument now.
I'm that fear of abandonment,that fear of being unloved, that
fear of not being good enough isall being triggered.
And so what I should beemotionally at a level two or
three, maybe I'm now at a level10 and I'm just like, you know,
(26:22):
my anxiety's through the roofingcrazy.
That's when we know there'ssomething going on deeper
emotionally.
That's.
Again, unhealthy and not right.
There's nothing wrong with fearand anger if it's meant, you
know, if it's the right time forthat fear and anger, if you
will.
But sometimes when it's thereand it shouldn't be there,
that's when we have to look atourselves and say, okay, why?
There's something else going onthere.
It's the story we're tellingourselves.
Number four is our boundaries.
How do we set boundaries?
(26:43):
What are good, healthyboundaries?
How do we set them?
always say boundaries are likethe fence around the house.
Okay?
The, the fence protects thehouse.
We're the house, okay?
The boundaries protect that.
So how do I set thoseboundaries?
How do I make sure that peopleare respecting the boundaries so
that we know how to haverelationship together that
works.
So that's important.
Number five was hugecommunication.
How do we communicate in a waythat actually works?
(27:04):
And that's one thing that mywife and I had a hard time is
really commu and so many peopledo, right?
How do we communicate in a waythat moves the needle?
And in the past, my wife wouldalways try to talk to me about
certain situations, and I wouldalways listen to defend myself
because my wounds wouldn't allowmyself to really be, I was
always feeling like I was beingattacked and, you know, and, and
that maybe she was gonna leaveme because I wasn't perfect and
(27:24):
all this other stuff.
And so I was listening to Defendand I was notorious for jumping
on top of her in mid-sentence.
And she would always say, you'renot listening to me.
And I'm like, of course I'mlistening to you.
I'm listening to you to makesure that I know how to tell you
you're wrong and defend myself.
And that's not a healthy way todo it.
Now we have a totally differentway of communicating that
actually moves the needle.
That's a huge tool to put in ourtool vault for, for that.
(27:45):
And number six is our behaviors.
How do we change our behaviors?
How do I, you know, handlemyself on a daily basis that's a
little bit more becoming of aman respectful.
You know, maybe I'm not flyingoff the handle as much.
I'm gaining more control of myemotions.
I learn how to, not have thoseconversations when I'm
triggered.
Right.
Maybe I put my shoes on.
And I go for a walk and I'll dothis.
I, I will literally put my shoeson and go for a walk and say,
(28:05):
Hey, I, I just need a littletime to myself.
And I'll go out for an houruntil I feel my body come back
into balance and I'm feeling alittle more regulated.
Then I can come in the houseand, and now I can have a
discussion in a better way if weneed to, or sometimes we just
put on the shelf and talk aboutit tomorrow.
But those are the types ofthings that we change all six of
those things, and we begin tolearn how to improve on all six
of those core elements.
(28:26):
It's a game changer foryourself, your, your emotions,
your own internal relationship,and that relationship to
yourself begins to change.
And then that relationship withothers can begin to change as we
learn and start to understandsome of their behaviors, some of
the way, maybe their corewounds.
We start to see some of thatstuff in other people too.
So it makes a huge difference.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (28:43):
Thank you for sharing that.
Bryan Power (28:44):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (28:44):
Six pillars.
I feel like you gotta rewind andbreak them down for me again, a
pop quiz.
If you're listening at home,what's number four?
No, I'm joking, but I do wantyou to recap them, but also
like, out of the six pillars, doyou feel like.
There are some pillars that arenot more important because
pillars like they are all partof the foundation that's, you
know, holding everything up.
(29:05):
But like, is there maybe like astarting place is more the, the
frame of the question?
Like, is there a place that youthink we should start?
Is it number one, likeidentifying those core wounds,
like really going there so thatyou can figure out like what's
driving your subconscious andwork through that.
Bryan Power (29:21):
Yeah, I, I, I think it depends on where you are.
Certainly, if you're in a highlyemotional state, then the first
thing we have to do is try toget some control of our emotions
and, you know, learn how to getemotionally balanced a little
bit.
But yeah, it's the core woundsthat are really driving the
train, so I truly believe thatis the root of it.
Okay.
The, the, the core wounds arereally the focus and those first
three, the core wounds.
The needs and the emotions.
Those are the first threepillars I think, that are super
(29:43):
vital.
And then the other three followthe train a little bit.
Those are kind of the caboose,if you will.
But yeah, I, I would say thecore wounds are, are definitely,
I think the, the most important,unless you're in a heightened
emotional state again, then wegotta try to get some emotional
balance and learn some toolswhere we can just get.
You know, safe and get theemotions under control a of bit.
But that's hard when that woundis triggered, when that wound is
ripped open like ours was, theemotions are just now getting
(30:05):
triggered left and right, and itcan be very difficult.
That's, that's where that'sreally hard.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (30:09):
Yeah, so how do you start?
To unearth or excavate parts ofyourself.
I know that therapy we mentionedis one tool.
Are there any other suggestionsor strategies that people can
employ if maybe like, say,therapy is not available to them
to really start to understand?
Their core wounds because Ithink it's very uncomfortable.
Discomfort is not something thatwe were kind of talking about
(30:31):
this backstage, like when we'reuncomfortable, we don't
necessarily lean in and it'salmost like a form of
self-protection.
We just need that instantgratification where we're like,
I don't wanna feel this emotion.
And they say emotions orfeelings or fleeting.
Like I've read studies whereit's like under like 60 seconds,
but it's like we can actuallysit.
Through.
Oftentimes we can't sit throughthat discomfort for 60 or 90
(30:53):
seconds or whatever thetimeframe is, so we deflect or
we look for other ways to, forme it was drinking, but like so
many ways to like distractourselves from ourselves.
So yeah.
What can people do to start toidentify those core wounds if
they're not sure what they are?
Bryan Power (31:08):
Yeah, I agree.
It's so hard to sit on youremotions.
It's like, no, I, I wannaembrace our emotions.
There's nothing wrong withemotions.
Emotions are fine.
There's that.
That's just, that's great thatwe're feeling emotional.
That's okay.
But we do have to begin to learnfrom our emotions.
What can we really think aboutourselves?
What is the story I'm tellingmyself?
Because what happens is yourbeliefs lead to your thoughts.
(31:29):
Your thoughts lead to youremotions, and then your emotions
will lead to your
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (31:33):
Wait, is it I, is it your thoughts
lead to your beliefs or is ityour beliefs?
Bryan Power (31:36):
Now, beliefs lead to your
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (31:37):
You start with your beliefs.
Bryan Power (31:38):
to your.
To your emotions and youremotions relate to your actions.
So I have to backtrack a littlebit and say, okay, if I'm
emotional right now, what is mythought?
What is it?
Well, the thought is thisperson's gonna leave me.
I, I'm afraid that they're gonnaabandon me.
Okay, well, what is my belief?
My belief is that I'm not goodenough.
I'm not lovable, and therefore.
This person's gonna abandon me.
That's my thought.
And now, now I'm emotional'causenow my anxiety's up.
(32:00):
And so that's why I'm feelingafraid and scared and, and hurt
and okay that.
So we have to backtrack that.
And that's the key, is begin touse our emotions for our good
and start to figure this out andsay, well, okay.
And if I can learn that and say,okay, what is that?
What is that belief I'm havingand then realize, oh yeah, am I
really gonna be abandoned?
Is that true that this person isgonna lead me?
No, that's not true.
Can I 100% no that I'm going tobe abandoned?
(32:23):
No.
Can I 100% know that I'm notlovable?
No.
Can I, you know, so we start to,we start to dissect it and start
to realize like, wait a second,why am I telling myself these
false stories that, again, arejust not true.
But that, and that takes time.
That takes some practice.
I love, again, the work that TysGibson is doing through her
personal development school,which you can join through my
website and we can talk about atthe end.
(32:45):
You can go to my relationshipfail.com, you can join that
through my website.
And that's the work that we do.
We begin to uncover thosewounds.
We begin to look at those woundsand then begin to do some
exercises that can now begin toheal those wounds and, and move
the needle so that, and we dosome 21 day exercise that
literally within 21 days, youcan begin to reprogram.
And that is scientificallybased.
You can actually create newneuropathways that will
(33:06):
actually, you know, work intoyour brain and, and actually
travel.
It's like that informationthat's going into your head.
It's just cloudy, dirty water,if you will.
And now we gotta get, you know,we gotta get good clean water
flowing in that river, if youwill, going into your brain so
that now you're working onautomatic pilot.
But it's, it's healthier andit's much better than what we're
doing right now, you know?
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (33:25):
The way you describe it, and this is
a testament to how you describedit, is it sounds so simple, but
I know from lived experiencethat it's not that simple to
reverse engineer your emotions.
In the moment, especially inreal time.
And most people like we talkedabout, like they can't do that
and therefore they look for waysto quell the feeling, the
uncomfortable feeling.
(33:45):
But to your point of likeemotions, yeah, you should have
them.
Congrats.
You're not a sociopath.
Like it feels good to feel good,obviously, but like a part of
the human experience, you're notalways going to feel good.
So thank you for sharing all ofthat.
That's very helpful.
So if folks do wanna connectwith you or want to start doing
the work.
How can they find you
Bryan Power (34:06):
I challenge everybody, first and foremost,
look on YouTube for attachmenttheory thais Gibson,
T-H-A-I-S-G-I-B-S-O-N.
On the Mel Robbins podcast
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (34:16):
Oh, cool.
Bryan Power (34:17):
about an hour and 15 minutes of talking about
attachment theory, and you canlearn a pretty good, a pretty
good idea of what yourattachment style is just from
listening to that.
After that though, go to mywebsite, make your relationship
fail.com, or my relationshipfail.com, and you can learn more
about this stuff.
You can take the attachmentstyle quiz so you can learn what
your attachment style is onthere.
Completely free to do that.
(34:37):
And then I'll give you a freestrategy session as well.
If you want.
By all means, book a freesession with me.
Be happy to talk to you, seewhat your situation is, and join
the personal development schoolthrough my website.
That is thais Gibson School.
Through my website in there is atreasure trove of videos,
workbooks, everything you wannalearn and things that you're,
that we're just talking abouthere.
That is where you can do it andit's really affordable.
(34:59):
You can do month to month, youcan do yearly, you can do a
lifetime membership, whatever.
But literally just start offeven if you need to just for a
month, I think it's maybe 50bucks or something, and you can
really begin to learn thisprogram and, and do some of this
work.
And if you want me to, I can beyour coach and I can help get
you through this.
We can move the needle a littlebit faster if that's something
you wanna do.
But it's, regardless, I'll giveyou a free session, happy to
(35:20):
hear your story and see if wecan help point you in the right
direction for that.
So, yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (35:23):
Thank you.
Is this just relational or canwe do this work even if we're
not in a romantic relationshipwith someone?
Bryan Power (35:30):
Oh yeah, no, I think we, we can do this work
regardless if you're justsomebody who's like, yeah, I
wanna learn how to have betterrelationships.
I'm not in one now, but I know Ihave some issues.
I know I don't have the skillsnecessary, but I, I know that
I'm gonna have a relationshipagain someday and I wanna learn
the skills.
And so absolutely you do this byyourself.
Even if your spouse doesn't,let's say you are in a
relationship.
Your spouse doesn't care rightnow.
It doesn't matter.
You can do the work.
(35:51):
You need to choose to do thework for yourself.
And a lot of times when you dothe work and you begin to heal,
you begin to understand yourpartner and their attachment
style, their wounds.
You can move the needletremendously in your
relationship, even if you alonedo the work.
Or sometimes we do outgrow ourspouse.
If that person is very unhealthyand we begin to get very
healthy, sometimes thatrelationship does end and that's
(36:11):
okay because hey, we've come toa point now where we're able to
have a good, healthyrelationship.
And if that.
Person hasn't done the work andthey don't care to kind of come
along with us.
And sometimes it is best to moveon and, and that's just the way
that works sometimes.
But but yeah, at the end of theday, I think it's just important
that we choose for ourselves todo the work so that we can get
healthy.
We are able to show up and, andhave a great relationship with
somebody.
(36:31):
And I promise you, when you dothat.
Somebody else will appear,whether it's your spouse coming
with you or coming back intoyour life like minded, or
whether it's a brand new personcoming into your life that
you're now able to see and vetbetter and, and see the wound,
see the red flags and the greenflags better and some of those
things, now you're gonna be ableto say, wow, okay, I know how to
do this now.
And, and boy, it gives you a lotof confidence.
You feel like pretty good about,you know, how, how to do this
(36:53):
stuff now.
And like I feel like I can, Ican do this, I can have a good
relationship.
Like, whoa, who knew me?
Like literally me.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18-2 (37:00):
I love that.
It sounds like more confidence,clarity, discernment, you know,
all, all of these things I'velearned also through getting
sober and I think it, itbolsters, you know, all areas
and optimizes all areas of life.
But I also think like, whetheryou're seeking relationship or
not, it sounds like youpersonally have grown.
With one of the greatestrelationships of your life,
(37:21):
which is the relationship we allhave with ourselves.
Like at the end of the day, wehave to live with ourselves.
And if we don't start to do thework, even if we're starting
maybe for someone else, you canmaybe just improve your
relationship with how you seeyourself.
And I think that will justbenefit everyone in so many
aspects of their life.
Bryan Power (37:40):
I think all this work comes back to healing us
first and foremost.
Absolutely.
And, and that is really key isthat we, we begin to show up.
We know how to, we have thesetools now and, and then God
willing, we have a, a partnerthere with us and, and again, in
my case, I was able to work itout with my wife, but, You know?
Yeah.
If we have a spouse that alsonow begins to see these tools,
sometimes again, just uspracticing the tools, even if
(38:00):
they're not, even if they don'tknow what we're doing, but we're
just beginning to do thesethings, they start to change as
well because they have to comealong because we're now, we're
now handling ourselves a littlebit differently.
lot of times it just forces themto come back a little bit
different.
Then sometimes they'll comealong and ask and say, what are
you doing?
You know, I wanna learn more ofthat stuff.
Like, you know, a lot of timesthat will happen, but, don't be
afraid to start off the journeyon yourself.
And I agree, staying sober isthe best thing you could do
(38:22):
because you know, when you're,you know, drunk and dealing with
all that, you're just cloudy.
It's hard to get real clarity onlife.
Clarity on life, your thoughts,your, your wounds.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11 (38:31):
You're pouring lighter fluid on an
already huge heaping pile oflike trash lit on fire.
So it's just like flaming the,the fumes or whatever they say.
Bryan Power (38:41):
And it's, and it's really a way to just get that
need met in a short-term way.
But again, long term, we knowthat that's unhealthy and it's
really not benefiting us longterm.
It's that short-term fix.
To help try to solve a long-termproblem.
We have to begin to do the workto really solve the, the problem
and really begin to, and thenyou don't desire, you don't even
wanna get drunk.
You don't even want drink.
Really.
It's becomes more of like notinterested,
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (39:01):
don't even wanna be in a toxic
relationship with anyone elsebecause you're like, I am not in
a toxic relationship with myselfanymore.
Bryan Power (39:08):
Right.
Mean anything
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18-2 (39:11):
I love just everything toxic gets
cut.
I, I love that so much.
Bryan.
I wanna wind down by asking youjust any closing remarks.
If you were to share like afinal note on attachment theory
or just like understanding thepillars, what would you want
folks at home to really thinkabout and take away from this
convo?
Bryan Power (39:29):
I, I hope somebody today just takes away the idea
that this is possible that, youknow, if you've came through
some really difficult childhood,like myself and my wife, and,
you know, you have all theseissues as an adult, you're
struggling to decentrelationships, and you just
can't figure this stuff out.
Man, I was so frustrated.
I'm 57 years, 56, almost 57 now,and it took me this long to, to
even get to this point.
(39:49):
And it's, and it's really hard,really frustrating.
are answers out there and, and,and I promise you that this can
change and I don't care how badthings look.
I don't care if you have arestraining order against you.
I don't care if you're headedtowards divorce.
I've seen it.
I've heard the other stories.
I know they're out there.
Things can turn around and, butI think it's just so important
that we do the work, that wechange, that we're willing to
(40:09):
humble ourselves.
look at ourselves first andforemost, so that e even if we
do come back together, if we didcome back and we don't have
these tools, it is just gonna beunhealthy again.
But if we can come back, if Ican do the work and, and, and
they don't do the work, thenmaybe I move on.
Or if I do the work and theyeventually meet me there, that's
great.
Or if they do the work and I dothe work, now we're both moving
in the right direction.
You can't lose if you do the
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (40:30):
You can't lose.
You can't lose if you do thework.
Okay.
It's a win-win.
Bryan Power (40:34):
is possible.
That's the thing.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (40:36):
Yeah.
Bryan Power (40:36):
anything, I don't care how, listen, my wife told
me she'll never be happy so longas you, you're so long as you're
in my life, I'll never be happy.
And that was just to push meaway.
Nadine Mulvina - The Sobe (40:43):
Yeah.
Bryan Power (40:43):
own way of just getting me, you know, to, to
kinda move on and, and whatever.
But that was hurtful.
And so you, when you hear thosethings, it, it can really be
painful.
But at the end of the day.
Again, if we can back off, takesome time, heal, do the work and
then kind of work through this,anything is possible and, and
you can reconcile with yourspouse.
Or again, if it's that toxic andunhealthy and maybe it is the
best thing to move on, sometimesit is sometimes, you know, just
(41:06):
if my wife didn't do the workthat she did, I, I wouldn't be
back together with her.
I would've moved on and beenokay with that.
I would've been like, okay, it'sokay to move on if that's the
case.
But but yeah.
Anyway, I just want you to knowthere's hope, man.
Anything could change.
Nadine Mulvina - The Sober Bu (41:18):
I love it.
Thank you for leaving us on sucha high note like there is hope
and I think to your point, it isa win-win situation even if you
have to release something that'sno longer serving you, whether
that be a relationship oralcohol or whatever we have
going on in our lives.
There's always a moment for youto make a choice for yourself
(41:39):
and to start doing the work foryourself because ultimately it
sounds like you did the work foryou.
Your wife did the work for her,and it benefited both of you.
So like that is a beautifulstory.
Bryan, thank you so much forsharing all of that with us, and
I'm going to plug in the shownotes for people to find you,
your website, any of yoursocials, the YouTube video that
(42:02):
you mentioned, and.
All of the resources will befound, guys in the show notes
below.
So thank you Bryan for coming onthe Sober Butterfly.
It was a pleasure to have youand hear parts of your story.
Bryan Power (42:13):
It was a pleasure to spend this time with you guys
and I'm so thankful for theopportunity just to share my
story and I just hope that wecan save some relationships out
there and, and get you guys youknow, really enjoying this and
becoming sober butterflies.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18-2 (42:23):
I love that.
Thank you so much, Bryan.
Nadine Mulvina - The Sobe (42:26):
Okay, butterflies.
What did you learn from thisepisode with Bryan?
I think what really struck me ishow he turned one of his darkest
chapters in his relationshipinto this catalyst for healing.
The way he talked aboutattachment styles and core
wounds and emotional needs,boundaries.
It wasn't like academic.
(42:48):
It was lived.
It was real.
Brian reminded us that you don'thave to wait for a crisis also
to start healing.
Like you don't have to be servedpapers to start working on
yourself.
You don't have to lose anyone tolearn to love yourself, and you
don't have to be in arelationship to start doing the
work.
I think that part was integralfor me.
Healing is personal, it's messy,it's ongoing, and it's something
(43:10):
that we all deserve access to.
If you took anything away fromtoday's episode, I hope it's
this, you are not defined byyour wounds, but by what you're
willing to do with them.
I really wanna thank Brian forhis vulnerability, his insight,
and for showing us what'spossible when someone chooses to
(43:31):
meet themselves with honesty andcompassion.
If this episode resonated withyou, please share it with
someone who may need to hear itThank you for listening, and
thank you for being a part ofthis community rate this podcast
if you haven't already done so.
It really, really does help morebutterflies find the show.
So if you have not left areview, please do me that solid
(43:53):
and go ahead and rate the showfive stars.
Okay, butterflies.
Until next time, take care ofyourselves.
Love you.
Bye.
Hey butterflies.
the-sober-butterfly_5_1 (00:00):
Welcome back to another episode of The
Sober Butterfly.
I'm your host, Nadine, and
the-sober-butterfly_8_11 (00:07):
Before we get into today's episode, a
quick warning.
This episode may make you wantto go to therapy.
My guest today takes us into thereal work core wounds, needs,
communication, and how torebuild love from the inside
out.
the-sober-butterfly_5_11- (00:24):
Bryan Power.
Reached out to me with a storyhe said that he wished someone
had shared with him on hishardest days.
Earlier this year, bryan and hiswife went through something.
Most couples I fear, don't comeback from a sudden breakup.
A restraining order.
(00:45):
Yeah, you heard me right.
And a deep, painful unravelingof their relationship.
But instead of giving up, Bryanused that breaking point as a
doorway.
Into healing.
What he learned.
From attachment styles,childhood wounds, emotional
patterns, and basically how torebuild connection turned out to
(01:09):
be the very thing thatultimately saved his marriage
and changed his life.
I think this episode is helpfulwhether you are single,
partnered, healing, somewhere inbetween.
This is a great reminder thatit's never too late to
understand yourself, tocommunicate and show up
differently and to buildhealthier relationships from the
(01:30):
inside out.
So grab your favorite nonna,bevy.
Take a breath, maybe even grab anotebook.
You're gonna take some notes.
Settle in and let's get intothis powerful, deeply human
conversation with Bryan.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11 (01:50):
Bryan.
Welcome to the Sober Butterfly.
How are you today?
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_18 (01:54):
Hey Nadine, thanks so much for
having me on the show today.
I'm excited to be on the SoberButterfly and yeah, I personally
was a, a Caterpillar one timeand I've definitely bloomed a
little bit and hopefully I'm alittle bit more of a butterfly
today.
But some of the information Ihopefully can share with your
audience today will help themalso become butterflies and will
be able to hopefully have somebetter relationships.
So I'm excited to be here andthank you so much for giving the
opportunity to share my story.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2 (02:15):
I love that.
Thank you for sharing.
And it's a metamorphosis hereover at the the Sober Butterfly.
So thank you for acknowledgingthat transformation process.
And we're gonna get into alittle bit more about
understanding how we can, youknow, metamorphosize into that
butterfly.
So, Bryan, you know, I justwanna start right where your
email began and.
I wanna start there becausehonestly it really hit me and
(02:38):
you said that, or you mentionedin this email earlier this year
that you went from a breakup andquite literally a restraining
order with your wife to astronger marriage.
And I'm like, that's a huge arc.
So can you walk us through thatmoment or those moments, like
what actually happened and whatwas going on internally for you
(02:59):
at that time?
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (03:00):
Yeah, I mean, it was a, it was a crazy
year, 20, 24, early on in theyear.
My wife and I was, we had oneanother fight about parenting.
A lot of our problems came inwhen my, our, my son was born in
2019.
I have a stepdaughter from herfirst marriage.
Who at the time was thir 13 in2024?
My son at that point was fourand a half.
And so we had a pretty goodmarriage, pretty good
relationship.
(03:21):
Lot of love.
But you know, we had our typicalfights and, and we didn't know
how to really work through ourfights.
We really didn't know how tocommunicate them properly and
get them solved and everythingelse.
So.
It's kinda like death by athousand paper cuts.
You know, over time these thingswere just kind of more
festering.
And ultimately in 2024, we hadanother fight about my son and
some parenting styledifferences.
And she would, at that point,challenge me to see a therapist
(03:41):
and, and I said, okay, fairenough.
You know what?
I'm willing to see what I can doand see if I can learn
something, but.
I challenge you to see atherapist as well, because this
isn't gonna work that way.
We both need to do some work,and I truly believed in my mind
that she was the one with allthe problems.
And of course, in her mind, Iwas the one with all the
problems.
And so what I learned first andforemost is a lot of times both
of us have problems.
We're we both have issues thatwe're, we're bringing into this
(04:02):
relationship and handling thingsin a way.
That aren't healthy and notreally moving the needle to have
a really great connection and,and a really great relationship.
And so I think the first steptowards any healing is really
acknowledging that there is aproblem and that we need to
solve it and move forward.
And so, so we were both seeingsome therapists at that point
and literally for about the nextfour months, she was doing a lot
(04:22):
of deep.
Childhood trauma work with aspecialist that she was working
with.
And while that was reallyhelpful to her, at the same
time, it was kind of adding alittle fuel to the fire.
'cause a lot of her childhoodemotions and trauma was, was
coming up in therapy and it wasalso just playing out in our
lives and relationships.
And that's where I learned a lotabout this, is that a lot of the
subconscious is really runningthe show here.
(04:43):
And all of our childhood woundswere actually playing out and
clashing, if you will.
And that's really where thiskind of really devolved into.
A fairly decent relationshipwith some issues down to, like,
things got really crazy and forabout four months of complete
emotional turmoil it became adisaster and to the point where
she would ultimately seek arestraining order for emotional
(05:04):
safety.
I never really threatened my,never, excuse me, not never
really, I never threatened mywife with physical harm.
I'm not that kind of guy.
I don't believe in that.
But for emotional stability.
I couldn't do it anymore.
And so, she finally reached fora restraining order, put that
against me.
And at that point I really feltlike the relationship was over.
I didn't understand what wasgoing on.
It was so crazy and tumultuousand I was just left kind of
(05:25):
wondering what's going on here?
But at that point it didn'tmatter.
I was trying to put my life backtogether and I was fortunate
enough to spend some time with afriend of mine who lived in the
area.
He was also going through adivorce.
And him and I were able to kindahelp each other.
You know, be there for eachother a little bit emotionally
and kind of strengthen eachother and for the next four and
a half months while we wereseparated.
I was doing work that I had comeacross about attachment theory
(05:47):
and something called integratedAttachment Theory, which was
created by Thais Gibson out ofCanada, T-H-A-I-S Gibson
G-I-B-S-O-N.
And I had come across her workabout, about a month before
actually the restraining orderhappened, and I was fascinated
learning about attachment theoryand attachment styles.
I think there was a lot ofinformation there to be had.
And then the work that ThaisGibson does.
(06:09):
Really begins to move the needleand keeps us from getting us
from the unhealthy attachmentstyles closer to the attachment
styles closer to the secureattachment style, excuse me.
And and that was the work I justdecided to delve into and
ultimately would, would help putmy life back together, my
relationship back together.
And now I help others do thesame with that information that
I've learned.
So.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-1 (06:28):
That is beautiful to hear.
I love a story that is rooted,obviously in love.
But then when that love isquote, like lost, but you are
able to reclaim it, it's almost,I don't know why this comes up,
but I'm thinking like, if youlove something, let it go.
And if it comes back to you,then you truly know
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (06:45):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-1 (06:45):
it's kind of giving that energy to
me.
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (06:48):
Yeah,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18- (06:48):
so many questions I wanna obviously
into.
Everything you shared
bryan-power_2_11-18 (06:53):
absolutely.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18 (06:54):
one of the first questions.
It is, forgive me, it's, it'ssuch a low bar question, but
like, I have to ask, how are youserved?
How did you get your papers,your restraining Because I'm
like, that must, I'm justimagining like, knock, knock at
the door.
I'm thinking it's, I
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (07:07):
Well, to be honest with you, I had
taken my son to the, to the redSox game that day.
And when I got home, she wassitting on the porch and she
said, we need to talk.
And I was like, what's going on?
And she goes.
You need to get outta the house,I'm gonna put a restraining
order against you.
And something had happened thatshe thought I did, but
ultimately later on she wouldrealize that it wasn't the
actual story that actuallyhappened.
But at this point, she, she wasmad about something that she
(07:28):
thought I had done.
And I'm like, okay.
And I just was like, whoa, whatis going on here?
So I just grabbed my stuff and,and got outta the house.
And then she did ultimately putthat restraining order on me.
So I got a phone call sayingthat, you know that, yeah.
It was a phone call that saidthat, you know, you, your wife
has put up.
Restraining order against you,blah, blah, blah.
And I was like, okay.
And then I forget how I got,yeah.
(07:48):
So, and then Ulti, I had noplace to live, so it wasn't like
they could serve me at a placewhere I was living or anything
like that.
But ultimately I just, you know,like a week later we had to go
down and, and they, that's theopportunity to extend the
restraining order.
'cause first they issue atemporary.
Then you have to get it extendedat that point.
I was done with therelationship.
I thought it was over.
I just was like, okay.
I had a lawyer that was, youknow, we went in there, just
tried to talk to her and see ifwe'd just get some, you know,
(08:11):
visitation, start talking abouthow we're gonna parent our kid.
But she decided to go forwardwith the restraining order.
So we just said, all right,well, it is what it is.
We let her have the restrainingorder.
We didn't even fight it, and wejust figured we'd kinda move on
and, and pick this up later andkind of deal with it later on.
Worry about you know, the battlethat we need to go from there.
And so that's kind of just theway it came about.
But it was really awfulexperience.
Top, top to bottom.
This whole thing was, you know,I talk about it now and it's
(08:33):
pretty calm and it's prettychill and like, okay, all this
stuff happened.
But no, it was, it was a crazytime.
And restraining order is veryserious.
It's not something you reallywant to deal with.
I truly just,
the-sober-butterfly_ (08:43):
experience with that
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (08:44):
yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_ (08:44):
college.
I
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (08:45):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-1 (08:46):
into it here, but yeah, I understand
the severity of a, a
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (08:49):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18- (08:49):
so I hope you don't take offense to
me making light of
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_18 (08:53):
No.
the-sober-butterfly_2 (08:54):
literally like, how are you served?
Like,
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_18 (08:55):
No, absolutely.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2 (08:57):
I have, I'm thinking of my lived
experience with that.
From
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (09:01):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18 (09:01):
the day.
But I also wanna touch on thefact that you mentioned this
time both you and your wife arein therapy, so you're, you know,
independently doing some work
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (09:12):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-1 (09:12):
With professionals.
And I raised that point becausethen you also mentioned that she
was doing a lot of childhoodwork, like unraveling some of
those wounds and like tending tothose.
And it's just interestingbecause I'm also hearing from
your story that.
point of conflict seemed to beparenting.
And from what I understand abouttheory, and by the way, my scope
(09:35):
of understanding is simply fromthe book attached that so many
people have read, and I highlyrecommend that book.
But you know, I learned a lotabout my personal attachment
style, which we can get into,and I'd love to learn more about
your personal attachment styleand your wife's, but a big part
of Me referencing the attachmenttheory is that so much of it
derives from childhood wounds,right?
Like, so if you are more of theavoidant type that could be
(09:58):
because in childhood you felt asense of neglect and that
festers into maybe a sense ofover compensating with
independence or feeling like youdon't wanna rely on other people
because you don't wanna be letdown.
So there's so many, like nuancethere and gray area, but I, I
bring it up to say like, do you.
Realize now in retrospect thatmaybe the work that your wife
(10:18):
was doing in therapy, excavatingparts of her past was coming
forth into your relationship andimpacting it in that way.
bryan-power_2_11-18-2025_ (10:27):
Yeah, I think the wounds were already
playing out and, and that's whywe were having some issues
subconsciously.
But then when she started doingthe, the, the work.
I think it was really touchingher even more emotionally and so
that those wounds were reallyjust now, they were open and
festering, if you will.
And so it really just added alittle fuel to the fire of our,
already at that point,emotional, you know, situation.
(10:49):
It really just kind of added alittle fuel to the fire at that
time.
Ultimate.
Yeah, ultimately it proviprovided a lot of healing.
And so that work ultimatelywith, for my Wife, was very, the
therapeutic and the, and thework that she did with her
therapist was phenomenal.
But early on it, again, it justseemed to make things, you know,
really crazier and, and a littlefor that time.
But again I think the best thingthat ever happened to us,
(11:11):
honestly was the restrainingorder and that time away.
Where we could actually work onourselves, focus on our, our own
thoughts, our own visions, ourown issues, if you will, and not
blaming the other person.
We had to both look at ourselvesat that time,
the-sober-butterfly_2_01-08 (11:24):
And now a quick word from our
partners.
the-sober-butterfly_25_12 (11:29):
Okay, butterflies, let me let you in
on a little secret.
Self care is so much more thanjust bubble baths, it's about
finding what makes you feel yourvery best, inside and out.
And that's why I've beenobsessed with ClassPass for
years.
Whether I'm crushing a Pilatesclass, getting a fresh blowout,
(11:51):
or treating myself to a relaxingfacial, ClassPass lets me
explore all kinds of fitness andwellness options.
With just one membership, I canbook workouts, beauty
treatments, and so much more allin one app.
I've been a member since 2016,and I've booked over 500
(12:11):
reservations.
ClassPass makes it easy and funto prioritize my health and
happiness all the while stayingon budget.
And because I want you to feeljust as amazing as I do, I've
got an exclusive offer for mylisteners.
Sign up with my special link andyou'll get a free trial And 20
bonus credits to use toward anyclasses or services you want to
(12:34):
try.
So what are you waiting for?
Take that first step towardfeeling your best.
Head to ClassPass to get startedtoday.
Bryan Power (12:46):
Yeah, I actually think one of the best things
that happened to us was therestraining order.
It, it's kind of funny to saythat, but that restraining order
actually would put a dividebetween us where we had to both
focus on ourselves, our ownhealing, our own journey, and
really take a look at what wasour issues and did a lot of
self-reflection for both sidesand, and that time away because
we did the work and we bothworking on ourselves.
(13:06):
You know, pretty good.
That work would ultimately payoff and allow us to come back
together.
And, and we saw a lot of our ownflaws.
We stop blaming the other personso much and again, I learned a
lot of tools as well that wewere able to begin to practice
and still practice today on howto actually have a better
relationship because my wife andI didn't know how to really do
that.
We were just kind of going alongwith it as best we could.
(13:26):
Right.
But because we really didn'tcome from, you know, really good
upbringings where we saw good,healthy relationships.
We were just kind of winging itand of course it wasn't working.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (13:35):
Yeah,
Bryan Power (13:35):
just wasn't working.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18- (13:36):
or like mimicking.
You know, past experiences orlike what you saw growing up.
I'd love to learn from you andalso if you don't mind
explaining to folks at home.
A little bit more aboutattachment theory.
Like what is attachment in termsof like these wounds that we may
be holding onto or like thesearchetypes that define us.
(13:57):
Can you explain that and then ifyou don't mind also sharing
Bryan Power (14:00):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-1 (14:00):
your attachment style
Bryan Power (14:01):
My attachment style, just so you know, is I'm
more fearful of, oh, let's talkabout attachment
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-1 (14:05):
Yes.
Bryan Power (14:06):
attachment theory first is it, it was kind of
created in the fifties, butreally became popular in the
seventies and now it's stillpopular today in the therapy
world.
And it really has to do with howdo we attach to each other in
relationships?
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-1 (14:17):
Hmm.
Bryan Power (14:17):
And, and it has a lot to do with.
You know, our wounds and, andour communications and, and
different styles and patternsthat we kind of have.
And it, we basically fall intoone of four categories.
Number one, you have a secureattachment style.
That person is somebody whoknows how to communicate fairly
well.
They have their emotions prettybalanced.
They, they look at relationshipsas important, but of course, you
know, if they break up with youor things don't work out you
(14:39):
know, they're okay with that.
They kind of hurt a little bit,but they move on.
It's not like, oh my God, theend of the world.
They're just balanced.
They know how to set boundaries.
It's the one that we all want tobe, and, and that's the way we
kind of want to get to where weknow how to do these things.
Unfortunately, for most of us,especially if we came from some
broken homes and stuff, reallyhard for us to do that without
learning that and, and figuringit out.
So we fall into one of the otherthree categories, which isn't
(15:02):
anxious, preoccupied.
You have somebody who reallycraves attention in
relationships, really lovescloseness.
Very, you know, tight with theiremotions.
A lot of communication.
They like to communicate all thetime, sometimes to the point
where it's too much, right?
Maybe you're communicating 10times a day and it's like, Hey,
I'm working.
You know, like, gimme a break.
It can just be overboard.
A lot of people pleasing inthere.
put the relationship so high andso valuable because they don't
(15:24):
wanna be alone.
They have a fear of being alone,fear of being abandoned.
Not good enough.
So they're always trying to earnyour love and they can be very
good people and everything else,but sometimes to the point where
it's, again, unhealthy.
and a lot of times, yeah, theyjust abandon themselves for the
sake of the relationship.
And ultimately that's a, that'san issue.
So number one, anxious rein.
On the flip side of that iswhat's called a dismissive
avoidant.
(15:44):
Dismissive avoidance typicallyare very hyper independent.
They they really have a hardtime.
Getting in touch with theiremotions.
If emotions are bad, you know,if we're emotional, that's a bad
thing.
So they really don't like to gothere at all.
If they do, again, they like toisolate, kind of deal with that
on their own.
They have a communication styleof mostly communicating through
their actions.
So a lot of times you know, theyjust think they did something.
You're supposed to understandthat without fully them
(16:07):
communicating it in regard, youknow, in their mind it's, it's
more through their actions.
You should know that.
Which is very difficult.
And yeah, it's just so you cansee if somebody is dismissive,
avoidant and somebody else ismore anxious and they're in a
relationship together andsomebody's trying to get a lot
of connection attention andsomebody else is trying to pull
away and get more space, that'sa problem.
And that's kind of where my wifeand I fell into
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18-2 (16:27):
I feel like that's a common part
pairing, I may have even readsomething in the book.
It's been a while, but like thatsaid, that anxious and avoidance
tend to find each other inrelationships and sort of like
this push and pull pendulumbetween, ghosting and love
bombing and like this back andforth because the anxious person
is so eager to please and needthat validation.
(16:49):
And the avoidant person may atfirst like appreciate the
attention, but then pushes themaway and it forces the anxious
person to react by comingcloser.
And so it's this constant backand forth.
So anyway.
So you and your wife's dynamic,it sounds like, fell into this
Bryan Power (17:03):
Yeah,
the-sober-butterfly_3 (17:04):
category.
Bryan Power (17:04):
the end of it, that's really what was
happening.
My wife was leaning a lot moredismissive at the time.
I was actually the one leaningmore anxious, preoccupied, and
as she began to pull away andtrying to figure her life out
and trying to understand things,you know, she was looking for a
lot of space and telling me shedidn't know anything.
She couldn't figure herself out.
I was like, what is going on?
So.
anxiety started to get triggeredand my fear of abandonment for
(17:25):
my, for my own childhood beganto get triggered.
And so my anxiety came up and Iwas trying to hold onto the
relationship.
I was trying to keep the familytogether.
And the more I tried to do that,the more she wanted to pull
away.
And
the-sober-butterfly_3_11 (17:33):
Right.
Bryan Power (17:34):
pull dynamic comes in.
And again, that was really theemotional turmoil that we were
experiencing.
So, not knowing that really is abig problem.
Had I known that.
Sooner we would've been able tokind of maybe navigate those
waters a lot better.
And so that is something thatI'm very thankful today that
I've learned.
So I, I kind of can see that.
And just so you know, the last,last anxious, the last you know,
avoidant style that we have,unhealthy attachment style is
(17:56):
called fearful avoidant.
Some people call it disorganizedbut we call it fearful avoidant.
And that person really swingsboth ways.
They have a lot of core wounds.
On both sides.
And they swing towards theanxious sometimes where they're
very connected, feeling prettygood.
But then maybe the next weekthey're, they're, they're, know,
breaking up with you for noreason.
They have a real problem withtrust and stuff, and they're
just like, okay.
You know, also very inindependent at times.
(18:18):
They just go back and forth andthat, that could really be a
challenge too, because.
Who can be in a relationshipwhere it gets really kind of all
over, and that's what they'reused to.
A lot of times it's that chaosthat they kind of grew up with
and sometimes they have tocreate it just to kind of feel
safe and normal.
That's what they're used to.
So unfortunately those threethough are, are difficult to be
in relationships with long term,you know?
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (18:35):
Let's take a gander.
Which of the four do you think Ifall into?
We just met, we, we just met forthe first time, Ryan, but I'm
asking.
Bryan Power (18:44):
I dunno, I'm gonna lean towards anxious because you
seem like a friendly, outgoingperson.
A lot of times the anxiouspreoccupied tend to be outgoing,
so I'm gonna say anxious, but Idon't know.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18- (18:52):
I, I think default.
At first I thought I was anxiousbecause I've shown up that way
and a lot of my like childhoodwounds come from that fear of
like abandonment and or needingto feel validated in my worth
and external validation was theway that I sought that.
But I've also been inrelationships and I think this
is true to where someone canactivate a different type of
(19:15):
attachment style based off ofhow they behave.
To where I've been moredismissive, avoidant because I
feel like the other person isanxious and it that makes me.
Want to kind of, I don't know,back up and get, get some air
come up for air.
So now though, in hearing youexplain all four archetypes, I
wasn't so privy to the last one,which is the disorganized, where
(19:39):
you can kind of swing both waysor all over the place.
I think that's actually morereflective of me.
The chaos.
Yeah.
I create it in my life, even insobriety.
Bryan Power (19:49):
I am that way as well.
I think I, I, it's funny'cause alot of us that I talk to believe
that almost all of us are kindof like that fearful avoidant
and we just kinda lean one wayor another A lot of times.
There are some people that aremore, definitely more hardcore,
dismissive, avoidance anddefinitely some more that are
lean, absolutely more anxious.
But I think a lot of people Italk to seem to fall into that
that, that, that, that middleground where we're desk all over
(20:09):
the place.
So yeah, it doesn't surprise me,you know, we're, we're in that
fearful avoidance style and I'mthe same.
So I totally get it.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (20:15):
So, okay.
You and your wife are at thisplace where there's no
reconciliation in sight, butthen obviously through doing the
work and taking the time apart,you realize that.
At some point, both of yourealize that like, we do wanna
work on this and we do wannamake our marriage work and keep
our family together.
So my question for you, Bryan,is what tools or exercises
(20:36):
change everything for you?
Bryan Power (20:39):
Yeah, I mean, so the first thing that I had to do
and, and I think the first thingthat really brought everything
back was actually letting it go,and you had talked about that a
little bit early on, is that,you know, I wasn't.
Fighting to get the relationshipback.
I was doing the work so I couldlet it all go and, and get more
confident and comfortable withmyself again, finding myself
and, and letting it go andaccepting that maybe we're just
(20:59):
not meant to be together forrest of our lives.
And that's just the way it issometimes.
And, you know, I, I just wanteda good, healthy relationship
with somebody.
I thought it was gonna be her.
And so, you know, that idea hasto, you have to finally get to
that point where you say, okay,maybe it's not, and, and if
that's the case, then so whatyou know, I wish her, well, I I,
I didn't have any animosity.
I was actually, I used to tellher if I'd rather her be with
somebody else and be happy thanto be with me and be miserable.
(21:20):
And so I, I had to prove thatnow I had to actually, could I
really
the-sober-butterfly_3_1 (21:23):
That's,
Bryan Power (21:23):
Right?
Could I, I really mean thatthough now?
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (21:26):
yeah.
Bryan Power (21:27):
like, finally I got to that point where I could say,
yes, you know what, if that'sthe case and she's happy with
somebody else, then I wish herwell and that's great.
I just wanna
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (21:33):
Can I say that?
I have to say it now.
'cause you said I wish her welltwice.
Do you know who Cardi B is?
Bryan?
Bryan Power (21:39):
Yes.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (21:39):
Well, the, the rappers, she, there's a
very funny scene where she'slike, I wish you well, she's
like, I wish you well.
And hell, and it's just likethat, like, dot dot, dot.
It's like, I wish you well, Iwish you well.
Dot dot.
I'm sorry I had to start atfirst.
I wasn't gonna say it, but thenyou said it twice of like, okay.
Do you wish her, well, I'm sureyou did wish her well, but like,
also like.
Bryan Power (21:59):
and that,
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18-2 (21:59):
I want, I want us to work.
Bryan Power (22:01):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (22:01):
I'm sure, yes.
Bryan Power (22:03):
But I think that's a key to really getting a good
relationship is, is not feelinglike you have to have that
person and, and understand andjust being happy for them,
regardless of who they chooseand what they choose.
Now, you know, my wife and I, asit turned out, she would choose
me and, and ultimately we wouldput this back together, but it
was a letting go that actuallyallowed me to heal more.
And then when I, I actuallyapologized for my part in the
relationship.
I was able to one day just havea quick conversation with her.
(22:26):
just say, Hey, look, I, I just,I'm sorry for the, the way I
showed up a little bit and Iwish I could have done some
things differently and I, youknow, I wish you well.
And she said, well, I don'twanna be with anybody else.
I still love you the whole bit.
And I, and I was just like, wow.
Like I wasn't expecting that,right.
I was just.
just kinda like, wow.
So I was taken by that and atthat point we said, okay, well
if that's the case, you know,let's get the restraining order
off and we can move forward andsee what we can do.
(22:47):
And so it still took anothermonth and a half to get the
restraining order off.
So we couldn't even talk duringthat time.
'cause I, I wanted to honor thatrestraining order as much as
possible.
It's a very scary thing to
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (22:56):
Yeah.
Bryan Power (22:56):
you wanna be as honorable to that as possible.
And so I just waited until wegot the restraining order off
and at that point we were thenable to communicate and begin to
hang out, spend some timetogether.
And it was obvious, I think fromthe beginning that, you know,
things were different.
She admitted to me that, youknow, I was her mirror and that
all the things that she thoughtwas wrong with me were actually
a lot of her own
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (23:14):
Oh.
Bryan Power (23:15):
Right?
And, and same thing.
You know, a lot of things again,I thought were wrong, were her
issues, were were also my own.
And I had to take ownership ofthose things.
And so.
That was a big awareness, Ithink, for both of us.
And then we began to practicesome of the skills and some of
the new tools and be open tolearning these things and
practicing them and doing themdifferently.
And so as we began to do that,we realized, wow, you know what?
I think we might be able to makethis thing work.
(23:35):
Because even though therestraining order comes off,
those first couple of months arestill kinda like, whoa, you
know, not sure how that's gonnago until you're able to really
kinda spend some time.
But yeah, that's kinda how thatwent down.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (23:44):
Yeah.
Thank you for sharing all ofthat.
So let's get into the sixpillars, because I would love to
hear, I only know the littlesnippet of attached theory from
that book.
So like, talk to us about thesix pillars.
Bryan Power (23:59):
Yeah.
So the six pillars of theintegrated attachment Theory
created by Tyse Gibson outtaCanada again is number one, it's
your core wounds, and those arethe subconscious wounds that are
driving the bus, if you will.
And, and that's the thing wedon't even realize we're doing
it a lot of times, and you canhave wounds like, you know, fear
of abandonment, fear of beingalone, not good enough, unsafe.
Unheard, all these, all thesedifferent wounds that can kind
(24:21):
of play out and we don't evenrealize we're doing it.
And 95 to 97% of our decisionsin life are made by the
subconscious.
And the other thing I learned isthat the conscious cannot out
will or overcome thesubconscious.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (24:33):
Oh.
Bryan Power (24:34):
even though consciously, yeah, so even
though consciously I'm thinkingone thing, my subconscious is
gonna drive that train adifferent way I haven't healed
those wounds, it's gonna go theway it wants to regardless of
how much.
I wanna do something, right?
So I, we always talk about like,let's say you go want to go to
the gym and you wanna get inshape, okay?
But let's just say after thefirst week, you know, now of a
sudden on Tuesday you wantcomfort and you want connection
(24:56):
with your friends.
So what am I gonna do?
I'm gonna now say, oh, forgetthe gym.
I'm gonna go out with mybuddies, you know, hang out,
have some wings, and, and, andconnect and chill out and, and
feel some comfort.
And so it, it's like we'resabotaging ourselves, but we're
not.
It's that the brain.
Wants what it wants and it'sgonna get what it wants
immediately, no matter how badit is, long term.
And so that's why we have to dothe work to heal the wounds.
(25:18):
So we don't have thosebehaviors, we don't have those,
quote unquote, if you will sub,you know, sabotaging
self-sabotaging behaviors.
So number one, core wounds, veryimportant work on those.
Number two is our needs.
What are my true needs?
What do I really need in mydaily life?
What do I want outta life?
And then how do I fill thoseneeds on my own so I'm not
outsourcing my needs to myspouse, my friends.
You know, everybody else aroundme.
So when I do that, that's a big,benefit to me.
(25:40):
Number three, it's emotions.
How do I deal with my emotions?
How do I, number one, getcontrol of them?
Number two, what can I learnfrom my emotions?
Because emotions are justinformation.
So if I'm angry, I can backtrackthat and say, well, why am I
angry?
What is really causing me to beangry or fearful?
What am I afraid of?
Why do I feel so afraid rightnow?
And, and I'm talking at timeswhen it, there shouldn't be
(26:00):
there, right?
So all of a sudden, you know,,I'm feeling really anxious and
my fear comes up.
of a sudden I, if I think back,it's because I feel like, you
know, my spouse is gonna breakup with me.
Maybe because we're having alittle argument now.
I'm that fear of abandonment,that fear of being unloved, that
fear of not being good enough isall being triggered.
And so what I should beemotionally at a level two or
three, maybe I'm now at a level10 and I'm just like, you know,
(26:22):
my anxiety's through the roofingcrazy.
That's when we know there'ssomething going on deeper
emotionally.
That's.
Again, unhealthy and not right.
There's nothing wrong with fearand anger if it's meant, you
know, if it's the right time forthat fear and anger, if you
will.
But sometimes when it's thereand it shouldn't be there,
that's when we have to look atourselves and say, okay, why?
There's something else going onthere.
It's the story we're tellingourselves.
Number four is our boundaries.
How do we set boundaries?
(26:43):
What are good, healthyboundaries?
How do we set them?
always say boundaries are likethe fence around the house.
Okay?
The, the fence protects thehouse.
We're the house, okay?
The boundaries protect that.
So how do I set thoseboundaries?
How do I make sure that peopleare respecting the boundaries so
that we know how to haverelationship together that
works.
So that's important.
Number five was hugecommunication.
How do we communicate in a waythat actually works?
(27:04):
And that's one thing that mywife and I had a hard time is
really commu and so many peopledo, right?
How do we communicate in a waythat moves the needle?
And in the past, my wife wouldalways try to talk to me about
certain situations, and I wouldalways listen to defend myself
because my wounds wouldn't allowmyself to really be, I was
always feeling like I was beingattacked and, you know, and, and
that maybe she was gonna leaveme because I wasn't perfect and
(27:24):
all this other stuff.
And so I was listening to Defendand I was notorious for jumping
on top of her in mid-sentence.
And she would always say, you'renot listening to me.
And I'm like, of course I'mlistening to you.
I'm listening to you to makesure that I know how to tell you
you're wrong and defend myself.
And that's not a healthy way todo it.
Now we have a totally differentway of communicating that
actually moves the needle.
That's a huge tool to put in ourtool vault for, for that.
(27:45):
And number six is our behaviors.
How do we change our behaviors?
How do I, you know, handlemyself on a daily basis that's a
little bit more becoming of aman respectful.
You know, maybe I'm not flyingoff the handle as much.
I'm gaining more control of myemotions.
I learn how to, not have thoseconversations when I'm
triggered.
Right.
Maybe I put my shoes on.
And I go for a walk and I'll dothis.
I, I will literally put my shoeson and go for a walk and say,
(28:05):
Hey, I, I just need a littletime to myself.
And I'll go out for an houruntil I feel my body come back
into balance and I'm feeling alittle more regulated.
Then I can come in the houseand, and now I can have a
discussion in a better way if weneed to, or sometimes we just
put on the shelf and talk aboutit tomorrow.
But those are the types ofthings that we change all six of
those things, and we begin tolearn how to improve on all six
of those core elements.
(28:26):
It's a game changer foryourself, your, your emotions,
your own internal relationship,and that relationship to
yourself begins to change.
And then that relationship withothers can begin to change as we
learn and start to understandsome of their behaviors, some of
the way, maybe their corewounds.
We start to see some of thatstuff in other people too.
So it makes a huge difference.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (28:43):
Thank you for sharing that.
Bryan Power (28:44):
Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (28:44):
Six pillars.
I feel like you gotta rewind andbreak them down for me again, a
pop quiz.
If you're listening at home,what's number four?
No, I'm joking, but I do wantyou to recap them, but also
like, out of the six pillars, doyou feel like.
There are some pillars that arenot more important because
pillars like they are all partof the foundation that's, you
know, holding everything up.
(29:05):
But like, is there maybe like astarting place is more the, the
frame of the question?
Like, is there a place that youthink we should start?
Is it number one, likeidentifying those core wounds,
like really going there so thatyou can figure out like what's
driving your subconscious andwork through that.
Bryan Power (29:21):
Yeah, I, I, I think it depends on where you are.
Certainly, if you're in a highlyemotional state, then the first
thing we have to do is try toget some control of our emotions
and, you know, learn how to getemotionally balanced a little
bit.
But yeah, it's the core woundsthat are really driving the
train, so I truly believe thatis the root of it.
Okay.
The, the, the core wounds arereally the focus and those first
three, the core wounds.
The needs and the emotions.
Those are the first threepillars I think, that are super
(29:43):
vital.
And then the other three followthe train a little bit.
Those are kind of the caboose,if you will.
But yeah, I, I would say thecore wounds are, are definitely,
I think the, the most important,unless you're in a heightened
emotional state again, then wegotta try to get some emotional
balance and learn some toolswhere we can just get.
You know, safe and get theemotions under control a of bit.
But that's hard when that woundis triggered, when that wound is
ripped open like ours was, theemotions are just now getting
(30:05):
triggered left and right, and itcan be very difficult.
That's, that's where that'sreally hard.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (30:09):
Yeah, so how do you start?
To unearth or excavate parts ofyourself.
I know that therapy we mentionedis one tool.
Are there any other suggestionsor strategies that people can
employ if maybe like, say,therapy is not available to them
to really start to understand?
Their core wounds because Ithink it's very uncomfortable.
Discomfort is not something thatwe were kind of talking about
(30:31):
this backstage, like when we'reuncomfortable, we don't
necessarily lean in and it'salmost like a form of
self-protection.
We just need that instantgratification where we're like,
I don't wanna feel this emotion.
And they say emotions orfeelings or fleeting.
Like I've read studies whereit's like under like 60 seconds,
but it's like we can actuallysit.
Through.
Oftentimes we can't sit throughthat discomfort for 60 or 90
(30:53):
seconds or whatever thetimeframe is, so we deflect or
we look for other ways to, forme it was drinking, but like so
many ways to like distractourselves from ourselves.
So yeah.
What can people do to start toidentify those core wounds if
they're not sure what they are?
Bryan Power (31:08):
Yeah, I agree.
It's so hard to sit on youremotions.
It's like, no, I, I wannaembrace our emotions.
There's nothing wrong withemotions.
Emotions are fine.
There's that.
That's just, that's great thatwe're feeling emotional.
That's okay.
But we do have to begin to learnfrom our emotions.
What can we really think aboutourselves?
What is the story I'm tellingmyself?
Because what happens is yourbeliefs lead to your thoughts.
(31:29):
Your thoughts lead to youremotions, and then your emotions
will lead to your
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (31:33):
Wait, is it I, is it your thoughts
lead to your beliefs or is ityour beliefs?
Bryan Power (31:36):
Now, beliefs lead to your
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (31:37):
You start with your beliefs.
Bryan Power (31:38):
to your.
To your emotions and youremotions relate to your actions.
So I have to backtrack a littlebit and say, okay, if I'm
emotional right now, what is mythought?
What is it?
Well, the thought is thisperson's gonna leave me.
I, I'm afraid that they're gonnaabandon me.
Okay, well, what is my belief?
My belief is that I'm not goodenough.
I'm not lovable, and therefore.
This person's gonna abandon me.
That's my thought.
And now, now I'm emotional'causenow my anxiety's up.
(32:00):
And so that's why I'm feelingafraid and scared and, and hurt
and okay that.
So we have to backtrack that.
And that's the key, is begin touse our emotions for our good
and start to figure this out andsay, well, okay.
And if I can learn that and say,okay, what is that?
What is that belief I'm havingand then realize, oh yeah, am I
really gonna be abandoned?
Is that true that this person isgonna lead me?
No, that's not true.
Can I 100% no that I'm going tobe abandoned?
(32:23):
No.
Can I 100% know that I'm notlovable?
No.
Can I, you know, so we start to,we start to dissect it and start
to realize like, wait a second,why am I telling myself these
false stories that, again, arejust not true.
But that, and that takes time.
That takes some practice.
I love, again, the work that TysGibson is doing through her
personal development school,which you can join through my
website and we can talk about atthe end.
(32:45):
You can go to my relationshipfail.com, you can join that
through my website.
And that's the work that we do.
We begin to uncover thosewounds.
We begin to look at those woundsand then begin to do some
exercises that can now begin toheal those wounds and, and move
the needle so that, and we dosome 21 day exercise that
literally within 21 days, youcan begin to reprogram.
And that is scientificallybased.
You can actually create newneuropathways that will
(33:06):
actually, you know, work intoyour brain and, and actually
travel.
It's like that informationthat's going into your head.
It's just cloudy, dirty water,if you will.
And now we gotta get, you know,we gotta get good clean water
flowing in that river, if youwill, going into your brain so
that now you're working onautomatic pilot.
But it's, it's healthier andit's much better than what we're
doing right now, you know?
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (33:25):
The way you describe it, and this is
a testament to how you describedit, is it sounds so simple, but
I know from lived experiencethat it's not that simple to
reverse engineer your emotions.
In the moment, especially inreal time.
And most people like we talkedabout, like they can't do that
and therefore they look for waysto quell the feeling, the
uncomfortable feeling.
(33:45):
But to your point of likeemotions, yeah, you should have
them.
Congrats.
You're not a sociopath.
Like it feels good to feel good,obviously, but like a part of
the human experience, you're notalways going to feel good.
So thank you for sharing all ofthat.
That's very helpful.
So if folks do wanna connectwith you or want to start doing
the work.
How can they find you
Bryan Power (34:06):
I challenge everybody, first and foremost,
look on YouTube for attachmenttheory thais Gibson,
T-H-A-I-S-G-I-B-S-O-N.
On the Mel Robbins podcast
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (34:16):
Oh, cool.
Bryan Power (34:17):
about an hour and 15 minutes of talking about
attachment theory, and you canlearn a pretty good, a pretty
good idea of what yourattachment style is just from
listening to that.
After that though, go to mywebsite, make your relationship
fail.com, or my relationshipfail.com, and you can learn more
about this stuff.
You can take the attachmentstyle quiz so you can learn what
your attachment style is onthere.
Completely free to do that.
(34:37):
And then I'll give you a freestrategy session as well.
If you want.
By all means, book a freesession with me.
Be happy to talk to you, seewhat your situation is, and join
the personal development schoolthrough my website.
That is thais Gibson School.
Through my website in there is atreasure trove of videos,
workbooks, everything you wannalearn and things that you're,
that we're just talking abouthere.
That is where you can do it andit's really affordable.
(34:59):
You can do month to month, youcan do yearly, you can do a
lifetime membership, whatever.
But literally just start offeven if you need to just for a
month, I think it's maybe 50bucks or something, and you can
really begin to learn thisprogram and, and do some of this
work.
And if you want me to, I can beyour coach and I can help get
you through this.
We can move the needle a littlebit faster if that's something
you wanna do.
But it's, regardless, I'll giveyou a free session, happy to
(35:20):
hear your story and see if wecan help point you in the right
direction for that.
So, yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (35:23):
Thank you.
Is this just relational or canwe do this work even if we're
not in a romantic relationshipwith someone?
Bryan Power (35:30):
Oh yeah, no, I think we, we can do this work
regardless if you're justsomebody who's like, yeah, I
wanna learn how to have betterrelationships.
I'm not in one now, but I know Ihave some issues.
I know I don't have the skillsnecessary, but I, I know that
I'm gonna have a relationshipagain someday and I wanna learn
the skills.
And so absolutely you do this byyourself.
Even if your spouse doesn't,let's say you are in a
relationship.
Your spouse doesn't care rightnow.
It doesn't matter.
You can do the work.
(35:51):
You need to choose to do thework for yourself.
And a lot of times when you dothe work and you begin to heal,
you begin to understand yourpartner and their attachment
style, their wounds.
You can move the needletremendously in your
relationship, even if you alonedo the work.
Or sometimes we do outgrow ourspouse.
If that person is very unhealthyand we begin to get very
healthy, sometimes thatrelationship does end and that's
(36:11):
okay because hey, we've come toa point now where we're able to
have a good, healthyrelationship.
And if that.
Person hasn't done the work andthey don't care to kind of come
along with us.
And sometimes it is best to moveon and, and that's just the way
that works sometimes.
But but yeah, at the end of theday, I think it's just important
that we choose for ourselves todo the work so that we can get
healthy.
We are able to show up and, andhave a great relationship with
somebody.
(36:31):
And I promise you, when you dothat.
Somebody else will appear,whether it's your spouse coming
with you or coming back intoyour life like minded, or
whether it's a brand new personcoming into your life that
you're now able to see and vetbetter and, and see the wound,
see the red flags and the greenflags better and some of those
things, now you're gonna be ableto say, wow, okay, I know how to
do this now.
And, and boy, it gives you a lotof confidence.
You feel like pretty good about,you know, how, how to do this
(36:53):
stuff now.
And like I feel like I can, Ican do this, I can have a good
relationship.
Like, whoa, who knew me?
Like literally me.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18-2 (37:00):
I love that.
It sounds like more confidence,clarity, discernment, you know,
all, all of these things I'velearned also through getting
sober and I think it, itbolsters, you know, all areas
and optimizes all areas of life.
But I also think like, whetheryou're seeking relationship or
not, it sounds like youpersonally have grown.
With one of the greatestrelationships of your life,
(37:21):
which is the relationship we allhave with ourselves.
Like at the end of the day, wehave to live with ourselves.
And if we don't start to do thework, even if we're starting
maybe for someone else, you canmaybe just improve your
relationship with how you seeyourself.
And I think that will justbenefit everyone in so many
aspects of their life.
Bryan Power (37:40):
I think all this work comes back to healing us
first and foremost.
Absolutely.
And, and that is really key isthat we, we begin to show up.
We know how to, we have thesetools now and, and then God
willing, we have a, a partnerthere with us and, and again, in
my case, I was able to work itout with my wife, but, You know?
Yeah.
If we have a spouse that alsonow begins to see these tools,
sometimes again, just uspracticing the tools, even if
(38:00):
they're not, even if they don'tknow what we're doing, but we're
just beginning to do thesethings, they start to change as
well because they have to comealong because we're now, we're
now handling ourselves a littlebit differently.
lot of times it just forces themto come back a little bit
different.
Then sometimes they'll comealong and ask and say, what are
you doing?
You know, I wanna learn more ofthat stuff.
Like, you know, a lot of timesthat will happen, but, don't be
afraid to start off the journeyon yourself.
And I agree, staying sober isthe best thing you could do
(38:22):
because you know, when you're,you know, drunk and dealing with
all that, you're just cloudy.
It's hard to get real clarity onlife.
Clarity on life, your thoughts,your, your wounds.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11 (38:31):
You're pouring lighter fluid on an
already huge heaping pile oflike trash lit on fire.
So it's just like flaming the,the fumes or whatever they say.
Bryan Power (38:41):
And it's, and it's really a way to just get that
need met in a short-term way.
But again, long term, we knowthat that's unhealthy and it's
really not benefiting us longterm.
It's that short-term fix.
To help try to solve a long-termproblem.
We have to begin to do the workto really solve the, the problem
and really begin to, and thenyou don't desire, you don't even
wanna get drunk.
You don't even want drink.
Really.
It's becomes more of like notinterested,
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (39:01):
don't even wanna be in a toxic
relationship with anyone elsebecause you're like, I am not in
a toxic relationship with myselfanymore.
Bryan Power (39:08):
Right.
Mean anything
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18-2 (39:11):
I love just everything toxic gets
cut.
I, I love that so much.
Bryan.
I wanna wind down by asking youjust any closing remarks.
If you were to share like afinal note on attachment theory
or just like understanding thepillars, what would you want
folks at home to really thinkabout and take away from this
convo?
Bryan Power (39:29):
I, I hope somebody today just takes away the idea
that this is possible that, youknow, if you've came through
some really difficult childhood,like myself and my wife, and,
you know, you have all theseissues as an adult, you're
struggling to decentrelationships, and you just
can't figure this stuff out.
Man, I was so frustrated.
I'm 57 years, 56, almost 57 now,and it took me this long to, to
even get to this point.
(39:49):
And it's, and it's really hard,really frustrating.
are answers out there and, and,and I promise you that this can
change and I don't care how badthings look.
I don't care if you have arestraining order against you.
I don't care if you're headedtowards divorce.
I've seen it.
I've heard the other stories.
I know they're out there.
Things can turn around and, butI think it's just so important
that we do the work, that wechange, that we're willing to
(40:09):
humble ourselves.
look at ourselves first andforemost, so that e even if we
do come back together, if we didcome back and we don't have
these tools, it is just gonna beunhealthy again.
But if we can come back, if Ican do the work and, and, and
they don't do the work, thenmaybe I move on.
Or if I do the work and theyeventually meet me there, that's
great.
Or if they do the work and I dothe work, now we're both moving
in the right direction.
You can't lose if you do the
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18 (40:30):
You can't lose.
You can't lose if you do thework.
Okay.
It's a win-win.
Bryan Power (40:34):
is possible.
That's the thing.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11- (40:36):
Yeah.
Bryan Power (40:36):
anything, I don't care how, listen, my wife told
me she'll never be happy so longas you, you're so long as you're
in my life, I'll never be happy.
And that was just to push meaway.
Nadine Mulvina - The Sobe (40:43):
Yeah.
Bryan Power (40:43):
own way of just getting me, you know, to, to
kinda move on and, and whatever.
But that was hurtful.
And so you, when you hear thosethings, it, it can really be
painful.
But at the end of the day.
Again, if we can back off, takesome time, heal, do the work and
then kind of work through this,anything is possible and, and
you can reconcile with yourspouse.
Or again, if it's that toxic andunhealthy and maybe it is the
best thing to move on, sometimesit is sometimes, you know, just
(41:06):
if my wife didn't do the workthat she did, I, I wouldn't be
back together with her.
I would've moved on and beenokay with that.
I would've been like, okay, it'sokay to move on if that's the
case.
But but yeah.
Anyway, I just want you to knowthere's hope, man.
Anything could change.
Nadine Mulvina - The Sober Bu (41:18):
I love it.
Thank you for leaving us on sucha high note like there is hope
and I think to your point, it isa win-win situation even if you
have to release something that'sno longer serving you, whether
that be a relationship oralcohol or whatever we have
going on in our lives.
There's always a moment for youto make a choice for yourself
(41:39):
and to start doing the work foryourself because ultimately it
sounds like you did the work foryou.
Your wife did the work for her,and it benefited both of you.
So like that is a beautifulstory.
Bryan, thank you so much forsharing all of that with us, and
I'm going to plug in the shownotes for people to find you,
your website, any of yoursocials, the YouTube video that
(42:02):
you mentioned, and.
All of the resources will befound, guys in the show notes
below.
So thank you Bryan for coming onthe Sober Butterfly.
It was a pleasure to have youand hear parts of your story.
Bryan Power (42:13):
It was a pleasure to spend this time with you guys
and I'm so thankful for theopportunity just to share my
story and I just hope that wecan save some relationships out
there and, and get you guys youknow, really enjoying this and
becoming sober butterflies.
the-sober-butterfly_3_11-18-2 (42:23):
I love that.
Thank you so much, Bryan.
Nadine Mulvina - The Sobe (42:26):
Okay, butterflies.
What did you learn from thisepisode with Bryan?
I think what really struck me ishow he turned one of his darkest
chapters in his relationshipinto this catalyst for healing.
The way he talked aboutattachment styles and core
wounds and emotional needs,boundaries.
It wasn't like academic.
(42:48):
It was lived.
It was real.
Brian reminded us that you don'thave to wait for a crisis also
to start healing.
Like you don't have to be servedpapers to start working on
yourself.
You don't have to lose anyone tolearn to love yourself, and you
don't have to be in arelationship to start doing the
work.
I think that part was integralfor me.
Healing is personal, it's messy,it's ongoing, and it's something
(43:10):
that we all deserve access to.
If you took anything away fromtoday's episode, I hope it's
this, you are not defined byyour wounds, but by what you're
willing to do with them.
I really wanna thank Brian forhis vulnerability, his insight,
and for showing us what'spossible when someone chooses to
(43:31):
meet themselves with honesty andcompassion.
If this episode resonated withyou, please share it with
someone who may need to hear itThank you for listening, and
thank you for being a part ofthis community rate this podcast
if you haven't already done so.
It really, really does help morebutterflies find the show.
So if you have not left areview, please do me that solid
(43:53):
and go ahead and rate the showfive stars.
Okay, butterflies.
Until next time, take care ofyourselves.
Love you.
Bye.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Are You A Charlotte?
In 1997, actress Kristin Davis’ life was forever changed when she took on the role of Charlotte York in Sex and the City. As we watched Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte navigate relationships in NYC, the show helped push once unacceptable conversation topics out of the shadows and altered the narrative around women and sex. We all saw ourselves in them as they searched for fulfillment in life, sex and friendships. Now, Kristin Davis wants to connect with you, the fans, and share untold stories and all the behind the scenes. Together, with Kristin and special guests, what will begin with Sex and the City will evolve into talks about themes that are still so relevant today. "Are you a Charlotte?" is much more than just rewatching this beloved show, it brings the past and the present together as we talk with heart, humor and of course some optimism.