January 26, 2026 • 41 mins
I challenge the idea that a bipolar label defines a life and show how reframing symptoms creates room for choice, tools, and repair. I share a practical survival guide, language shifts, and boundary skills that turn chaos into traction.
• labels built on symptom clusters create helplessness
• medication roulette, side effects, and why talk therapy often stalls
• rage and dissociation explained as fight or flight
• family strain, codependency, and children’s regulation needs
• choose responsibility after crisis and hospitalizations
• build a response team with clear roles and limits
• design early warning systems to spot triggers
• power priorities and daily reboot practices
• use precise language: symptoms as information
• become a detective of your story and sources
• set healthy boundaries to protect trust and repair relationships
• choose your hard and commit to sustained change
If you're ready to heal and you want to know more about the Upsiders' Tribe make sure you send me an email, linked down below, and you can set up a 30-minute complimentary Zoom where we can talk about your specific situation, and we can determine if the Upsiders' Tribe is a good fit for you.
FREE Mood Cycle Survival Guide: https://theupsideofbipolar.com/free/
The Upside of Bipolar: 7 Steps to Heal Your Disorder: @upsideofbipolar | Linktree
website: https://theupsideofbipolar.com/
email: michelle@theupsideofbipolar.com
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
We have been convinced in our society by the
psychiatric industry thatanxiety is not a fight or flight
response.
Anxiety is a disorder.
The brain's normal reaction tonot getting adequate nutrition,
it is a disorder.
Bipolar is not the result oftrauma and micronutrient
insufficiency.
It's a disorder.
So when we experience thesesymptoms, we don't recognize
(00:22):
them as clues.
We don't recognize them asinformation.
We just think they areindications that our brains are
broken and they need drugs tofix them.
Welcome to the Upside ofBipolar, where we uncover the
true sources of bipolar symptomsand share proven tools for
recovery.
I'm your host, MichelleReitinger, number one
(00:42):
international best-sellingauthor of the Upside of Bipolar
Seven Steps to Heal YourDisorder.
In this podcast, I bring yousolo insights from my journey
and guest interviews withleading researchers and experts.
Join us to transform chaos intohope and reclaim your life.
Let's heal together.
(01:11):
And I'm doing another soloepisode today because there is a
topic that keeps coming up onsocial media, in my group, in
other forums, and so I thoughtwe needed to talk about it
today.
And that topic is how importantit is for us to choose to stop
being a victim to our diagnosis.
In a previous episode, I talkedabout how harmful the bipolar
(01:32):
diagnosis actually is because itdoes not actually give us an
answer to why we're experiencingthe symptoms because a bipolar
diagnosis is not based on anunderlying etiology or an
underlying disease.
It is solely based on thesymptoms.
When this diagnosis was createdin the first place, they did not
identify an underlying etiology.
They did not identify anunderlying disease mechanism.
(01:53):
They just created a diagnosisbased solely on a cluster of
symptoms for the purpose ofmedicating.
It was for the purpose ofdoctors to know which
psychiatric drugs they weregoing to give to their patients.
And it's a very subjectivediagnosis as well, because the
symptoms are self-reported andinterpreted by the individual
psychiatrist.
And I've seen interestingdocumentaries that have shown
(02:16):
people going into variouspsychiatrists with vague
symptoms and getting diagnosedwith different things based on
the psychiatrist observation anddiscernment.
So there is no underlyingetiology or disease being
identified by the bipolardiagnosis.
However, what it does is itactually makes people feel like
they don't have any control overthe symptoms they're
(02:38):
experiencing.
And that feels valid because forme, when I was going through the
symptoms that led up to mydiagnosis, I didn't feel like I
had control over what was goingon.
I felt very helpless and I feltvery confused about why I was
experiencing these symptoms.
I kept trying to fix myself.
I was buying self-help books.
I kept trying to give myself anew schedule.
(02:58):
I kept trying all these thingsto try and fix what was going on
with me.
And I didn't understand why Icouldn't just exercise more
self-control and fix myself.
And so when I went into thedoctor for the diagnosis and
received the bipolar diagnosis,I felt like I'd been given an
explanation.
And I talk about this in aprevious episode.
I'll link that in the shownotes.
So I'm not going to belabor thatpoint today, but I want to talk
(03:21):
about what happens when somebodyis diagnosed with bipolar and
begins to feel like a victim.
You feel helpless, you feel likeyou don't have any control.
And so people start to give up.
They start to feel like I can'thelp this.
I can't, it's just part of who Iam.
And it's one of the reasons whywe end up with so many people,
you know, advocating forawareness and normalizing.
(03:44):
And, you know, there's a lot ofadvocacy online to try and get
people to accept people who arestruggling with bipolar symptoms
as they are.
Because, you know, based on whatwe're told about bipolar
diagnosis, we can't helpourselves.
It's just the way we are.
We have a disease that we don'thave any control over, a
disorder we don't have anycontrol over.
It creates victims in the peoplediagnosed, and it creates
(04:06):
victims in the people who lovethem and who are close to them
because they suffer right alongwith the person who's struggling
with the symptoms.
So it's really important for usto understand that the diagnosis
itself is creating a victim,turning you into a victim.
And I'm going to talk a littlebit about my story just to make
sure that that is what I'mtalking about is clear.
(04:28):
So I talked, you know, Imentioned when I went to the
doctor initially and I wasdiagnosed with bipolar disorder,
and I thought I had been givenan answer.
And so I started to depend onnumber one, the medication,
because the symptoms that I wasexperiencing, I was told were a
chemical imbalance that I didn'thave any control over it.
(04:50):
My brain chemistry was messedup, and the medication was
supposed to fix that.
So I became very dependent onthe medication and I went very
proactively to the doctor on aregular basis.
I took every medication I wasgiven, and that turned me into a
victim because when themedication wouldn't work, I felt
helpless.
(05:10):
I felt discouraged.
I felt frustrated.
And the medications alsointroduced all kinds of new
problems for me because I endedup with a bunch of new side
effects.
The first serious side effectthat I experienced was mania,
because when I was initiallydiagnosed, I was first diagnosed
with depression and anxiety, andthey put me in an antidepressant
and it ramped me up into mania.
(05:31):
So that was the firstquote-unquote side effect.
And I am putting that in scarequotes because Professor Joanna
Moncrief says we talk about themas if they're side effects, as
if they are incidental to theaction of the drug, when in fact
that is what the drug is doing.
About 60% of the people who arediagnosed with bipolar disorder
were first treated fordepression using
antidepressants.
(05:51):
And that's another squot sayingantidepressant, because that's
just a marketing name to makepeople think that it is an
anti-something, that it'santidepressant.
But the antidepressant, one ofthe drug action, one of the
actual effects of the drug is tocause mania.
Antidepressants can cause mania.
(06:11):
It is not incidental to thedrug, to, to the drug action.
It is what the drug does.
And instead of acknowledgingthat the antidepressant actually
causes mania, you will be told,this is what I was told, and
I've heard lots of other peoplethat were told the same thing,
that it actually revealed youwere misdiagnosed and that what
you actually have is bipolar.
(06:32):
And so then my diagnosis waschanged to bipolar too, and I
was put on lithium, was thefirst, the first mood stabilizer
mood stabilizer I was put on.
And that caused psychosis forme.
I had a psychotic episode on thelithium.
And I've also had people say,well, you must not have been
bipolar because lithium workedfor me.
(06:53):
It is like playing Russianroulette with medication.
They don't fully understand whatthese drugs do in the brain or
what the what is causing thesymptoms in the first place.
And so it's it's like acrapsuit.
It's, you know, they're they areplaying guess and check with
these medications.
They're gonna put one, put youon one.
And I've heard people on outonline say it's just part of the
(07:14):
process.
It might take 10 years to findthe right medications.
What a joke! Like that is soridiculous.
If these medications were reallytreating an underlying
condition, if they are reallytreating a chemical imbalance,
if they were really likediabetes and the medication like
insulin, then it there would bea standard protocol for treating
the underlying diseasemechanism.
(07:35):
But that's not the case.
And so I was dependent on themedications that were not
working.
And so the side effects be, youknow, made me feel helpless.
The symptoms that I was stillexperiencing made me feel
helpless.
And I was burning down my lifearound me on a regular basis,
and I didn't feel like I had anycontrol over it.
And it made me feel terribleabout myself.
(07:57):
I kept trying to fix myself.
I kept, you know, I was takingall the medications doctors were
taking, telling me to take, andnothing was working.
The other thing that I wasdependent on were going to
therapists.
And that was not.
I hated therapy for the firstlike 10 years after my diagnosis
because therapy did not help me.
(08:19):
Therapy actually made thingsworse for me in a lot of ways
because about 85% of therapy isjust talk therapy.
And if you constantly focus onyour problems, they start to
feel bigger.
They start to feel more intense.
You start to feel more like avictim, more helpless, more like
things are happening to you thatyou have no control over.
And the problems feel bigger andthey become bigger in your mind.
(08:42):
And I, that's one of the reasonswhy I hated therapy.
I I would go to therapy reallyconsistently whenever my doctors
told me to do it.
And each time I did it, Iremember multiple occasions
going and talking to thetherapist for 45 minutes about
the things I was strugglingwith.
And then, you know, they would,they would give me feedback and
(09:03):
and make made me make me feelheard.
And then I would leave thesession feeling more depressed
than when I went in the firstplace, more discouraged, more
frustrated.
The things that I was reallystruggling with, I needed help
with.
And the tools and the resourcesthat they would suggest to me
weren't helpful.
I've talked before about one ofthe most distressing symptoms
(09:24):
that I experienced, which hasbeen termed bipolar rage.
And I would experience what Inow understand is called
dissociation.
When I would experience triggersfor this anger, this rage, I it
was, I was on a hair trigger.
And the second somethinghappened, and I never even, I
didn't always know what wasgoing to trigger it.
(09:45):
But the second it happened, Iwas, I, I was in a rage and I
had no control over what wasgoing on anymore.
And I felt like I was watchingmyself do it.
And part of me, there's a tinypart of my brain that was like,
Stop! Like, don't do this again.
But I didn't have controlanymore.
I was down in the lower part ofmy brain, I was in fight or
flight, and I was, you know, outof control with this anger.
(10:09):
And then when it was over, Iwould feel tremendous shame.
So I'd go to the therapist and Iwould ask for help.
And they would tell me thingslike, take a time out, or count
to 10.
And I it was so frustrating.
Every time I would have atherapist say things like that
to me because I kept trying tohelp them understand, you don't
understand.
There isn't time between thestimulus and the response to
(10:30):
make a decision.
There wasn't time for me tothink about what was happening
or to recognize I was gettingangry.
It wasn't like that.
It wasn't escalating into anger.
It was, I turned on a dime.
Like the second the triggerhappened, I was filled with rage
and anger.
And I was getting more and morediscouraged because the things
(10:51):
that I was supposed to be usingto help me cope with and manage
these symptoms that I had nocontrol over because they were a
chemical imbalance weren'thelping.
In fact, I felt like they weremaking me worse.
And I that was what led to mestarting to feel despair.
And and so it turned me into avictim.
(11:12):
This, this, this diagnosis andthe the treatment for it made me
turn me into a victim.
And the people that I loved themost in the world, my husband
and my children were also beingvictimized by this uh diagnosis
and the treatment.
For my husband, I was thesqueaky will that was always
(11:34):
getting the oil.
One of the things that's reallyhard on partners and spouses is
the person that you love thatyou committed your life to is
unpredictable.
I was unpredictable.
I would go for a while, youknow, being really happy and and
tons of energy and and big ideasand that, and then I would all
(11:56):
of a sudden be depressed and Iwould be dysfunctional and
couldn't get out of bed.
And and my husband, when youlove somebody, you want to help
them.
So he would try to help me.
But the longer this went on, themore he started to feel like he
couldn't have needs because henever knew whether or not I had
the capacity to meet his needs.
(12:19):
I was this queaky whale that wasalways getting the oil.
And one of the things that Ihave seen in my own that I saw
in my own marriage back then,and that I have seen in other
people's relationships is thatit very frequently turns into a
codependent relationship.
Very frequently, one partner isconstantly trying to save the
(12:41):
other partner or fix the otherpartner or help the other
partner or support the otherpartner, and it can turn into
resentment, it can turn intofrustration and hurt and anger
because you cannot fix somebodyelse like that, but you're
trying.
And you feel like you'reresponsible for the other
person.
You feel like you you need tohelp the other person, and so
(13:01):
often it happens at greatpersonal emotional sacrifice,
it's very unhealthy.
The child the children in thesesituations are absolutely
victims.
They absolutely become victimsbecause children are dependent
on their primary caregivers todevelop the capacity to
emotionally regulate themselves.
(13:23):
And when you are raised bysomebody who is dysregulated and
unpredictable, it createsanxiety.
It can cause, you know, ADHDsymptoms, it can cause, you
know, there's all kinds ofissues that can develop out of
this because they don't,children don't are not born with
the ability to emotionallyregulate themselves.
(13:44):
They have to be taught how to dothat.
And that's one of the roles, oneof the most important roles of a
caregiver, of one of theirprimary caregivers, their
parent, you know, mom or dad, isto help them learn how to
regulate their emotions.
And so we when you have adysregulated parent, you end up
with dysregulated children.
And so we have we have a system,the diagnosis and the system
(14:09):
that is is you know the bestpractices for treating bipolar
disorder, it turns people intovictims, it turns entire
families into victims.
My invitation to you today is tochoose to stop being a victim.
And I want to talk about how youdo that.
And the first thing that I wantyou to think about is how
(14:31):
important it is to choose torecognize your own personal
responsibility in managing yoursymptoms.
This came to me when I was outof my, I had just gotten out of
my fourth hospitalization and Iwas watching my children play,
and I had this thought nobody iscoming to save you.
(14:51):
You have to find a way to saveyourself.
At that point, I had been intreatment for about 11 years,
and the year before was when Ihad my breakdown and I was
hospitalized three times and Ihad become suicidal.
And I had had the experiencethat I've shared in the past of
watching my children play andrecognizing that if I ever
successfully ended my life, Iwould ruin my daughter's life.
(15:14):
My little four-year-old daughterwould believe it was her fault
and it would ruin her life.
And so I had made a commitmentnot to die.
I had made a commitment tosurvive for her.
But that following year was justsurviving.
It was just white knuckling it,holding on for dear life,
because again, I was a victim tothe symptoms.
I was a victim to this disorder.
And I believed that the best Icould expect out of life was
(15:36):
learning how to manage well orcope well or or hang on and just
do the best I can because I, youknow, I have a disorder and I
can't do anything about it.
But that day after the fourthhospitalization, as I watched my
children play and I had thisrealization, like, you know,
these symptoms are coming.
(15:56):
You know that that it's going tohappen.
You know what this cycle lookslike.
What are you going to do aboutit?
You have to stop being a victimto it because it's not a way to
there, it's no way to live.
And honestly, I had never, thethought had never occurred to
me.
Honestly, the thought had neveroccurred to me that I could do
anything about it.
One of the things that was sofrustrating for me when I was in
(16:18):
treatment with traditionalpsychiatric treatment was how
the system tended to get turnpeople into very t turn people
inward and create very create aself-centered person.
Because if you're constantly incrisis and you and you believe
you can't do anything about it,you're always turning inward.
(16:39):
You're always focused inward onyour depression or on your
anxiety or and and you don'twant to be around people and and
people have to just understand,right?
So we become very self-focused.
But I was at war with myselfover this because when I would
have psychiatrists talk, youknow, suggest that, you know, we
just need to help your husbandunderstand.
(17:00):
You know, it's not your fault.
Or, you know, don't worry, yourchild, you know, children are
resilient.
That was one of the things thatI hated the word most was when I
would hear them say, Don'tworry, children are resilient.
I thought my kids shouldn't haveto be resilient when it came to
their mom and the way that theirmom is behaving.
Maybe it's not my fault, but Iknew it wasn't my husband's
fault, and it absolutely wasn'tmy children's fault.
(17:20):
And I had to figure out a way tohelp myself.
I had to figure out a way to beresponsible for myself.
And nobody was teaching me how.
Not the psychiatrist, not thetherapists.
I mean, they would teach mecoping mechanisms, but they
wouldn't really truly teach mehow to help myself because in
order for this diagnosis to bevalid, I could I couldn't have
(17:42):
control over myself, right?
This this is a chemicalimbalance.
And it's not possible.
The best thing, you know, themost important thing that I can
do is take my medication.
And if the medication's notworking, what then?
So as I began to develop thismid-cycle survival guide over
time, I that day I started witha journal.
I was just trying to writethings down, trying to figure
out like, what do I know aboutthis?
(18:04):
What do I know based on myexperience about my mood swings,
about my symptoms, about whatcauses the damage in my life
surrounding surrounding thesesymptoms.
And I just started to workthrough like, how do I, how do I
take responsibility for myself?
And the first thing that thatcame up for me is my response
(18:24):
team.
And I didn't call it a responseteam at the time, but that's
what it turned into was I knew Ineeded help.
I knew there were times when Ineeded assistance, I needed
help.
But generally, I didn'tacknowledge that need ahead of
time.
Usually I wasn't thinking aboutit until I was desperate, until
I was in crisis.
(18:45):
Largely because I didn't want toneed help.
Truly, I didn't want to needhelp all the time in my life.
I wanted to be independent.
I wanted to take care of myself.
I wanted to be a responsiblemother and be able to take care
of my home and my family andcoach swimming and, you know,
all the other things that I liketo do.
I wanted to be able to do thosethings without disruption in my
life from these symptoms.
But at the time, the reality wasI did experience those symptoms.
(19:07):
So being stubborn and pridefuland not acknowledging that I
would need help at times wasn'thelping me.
And so I recognized the firstthing I need to do is figure out
what help I do need when I'mexperiencing the symptoms, who I
can ask for that help, and howdo I create healthy boundaries
around that assistance so that Idon't burn bridges.
(19:29):
That's one of the most importantthings.
And like I said, you know, thepsychiatric treatment I went
through turned me into a selfishperson in a lot of ways because
I was very self-centered.
You know, people just need tounderstand, they just need to
help.
You know, I just want to, youknow, and it and it felt very
wrong, but that's what I wasbeing told on a regular basis.
And now I was recognizing like Icare about my friends, I care
(19:54):
about my family, and I want to,I want to have healthy
relationships with them.
So in order to maintain maintaina healthy relationship when I'm
struggling with these symptoms.
I have to acknowledge, I have toallow them to have boundaries
and I need to set healthyboundaries in the relationships
so that, so that we can, so thatI don't ruin my relationship
every time I'm struggling withsymptoms.
(20:16):
So that was that was where theresponse team started to
develop.
And I'm not going to go into aton of detail.
I I've already gone into somedetail there about how that came
about.
But if you haven't developed amood cycle survival guide yet, I
encourage you to please go gostart that now.
There's a link in in the shownotes here.
There's a link in my, you know,on my website.
(20:37):
It's a free resource.
And anybody who's strugglingwith these with these symptoms
needs to begin here.
This is when you choose to stopbeing a victim and you start
taking responsibility foryourself.
So that's the first step in themood cycle survival guide.
The first thing that I startedrecognizing that I needed to do
in order to stop being a victim,stop allowing myself to be a
(20:58):
victim to these symptoms.
The second one was the earlywarning system.
And this is where I started tobecome self-aware.
This was where I startedrecognizing like I need to
identify that I'm starting toexperience these these
experience these symptoms asearly as possible so that I can
start managing it better andmore effectively and earlier.
Instead of waiting until I waslike yanked onto the roller
(21:20):
coaster, I needed to try andbecome aware of of that earlier.
And one of the keys to that wasstarting to identify what
actually triggers thesesymptoms.
I'd felt like I didn't have anyidea what was going on until I
was in you know in a cycle, in amood cycle.
But I started recognizing likethere are actually things that
trigger these symptoms.
Sometimes they feltunpredictable but the more I the
(21:43):
more I started to look at myselfcritically and started to track
symptoms and energy and mood, Istarted seeing correlations.
I started recognizing howsometimes these symptoms arise,
you know, came out of triggers.
There were things that triggeredthem.
And by doing that, by bystarting to develop this early
warning system for myself, Istarted to recognize like there
(22:06):
were triggers I could eliminateyou know there were things that
I could eliminate that wouldprevent that trigger from
triggering symptoms.
And there were other things thatI needed to work through with a
therapist later.
And then the power prioritieswas the next step, which was
learning how to manage emotionalresources in an effective way so
that I didn't exacerbatesymptoms when they occurred.
(22:28):
And then the final piece waslearning how to reboot my
system.
So those that four steps werethe beginning of me starting to
choose not to be a victim anylonger to these symptoms.
It was me choosing to takeresponsibility for myself being
proactive in managing thesymptoms rather than allowing
myself to be a victim to them.
(22:49):
And that began the path torecovery.
That was the very first step onthe path to recovery.
And that truly is everybodyanybody who wants to recover
from their symptoms needs totake responsibility for
themselves.
That's why this is the firststep in my coaching program, the
Upsider's tribe everyone has tocreate a mood cycle survival
guide for themselves becausethat's the beginning of changing
(23:10):
how you approach these symptomslearning how to be proactive and
responsible for yourself.
And that leads to the second thesecond tip for overcoming this
victimhood in in with bipolarsymptoms, which is changing the
way you think about and talkabout what you're experiencing.
In our program and I've talkedabout this in the past but I'm
(23:32):
going to I'm going to repeat itbecause it it it has a lot of
you know value here.
We do not talk about bipolardisorder in my program.
It can come up because we've youwe're used to using that
language but I always you knowwe always come back to okay we
don't talk about bipolardisorder we talk about bipolar
symptoms.
And the reason that distinctionmatters is because bipolar
(23:53):
disorder that that phrase thatthat term reinforces this idea
that you don't have any controlover what's happening to you
because it's a disorder rightand if you keep using that
language you will keepreinforcing in your brain the
idea that you don't have controlwhich reinforces a victimhood
(24:13):
mentality.
It continues to put you back inthe victim space, right?
And so we don't talk aboutbipolar disorder we don't say
things like I am bipolar.
We don't even say I have bipolarwe talk about how I have bipolar
symptoms.
And then to follow that up wesay symptoms are information and
(24:35):
you are a detective in yourlife.
So this is a mindset shift wehave so much we have become so
dependent in our society onexperts.
In fact I one of the things thatI regularly get attacked about
is you know what's your degree?
And I've kind of gotten tired ofbeing asked that question and so
(24:57):
I've gotten a little snarkysometimes with it saying well I
have a brain and common senseand the ability to read and
understand research and applyit.
But truly you need to takeresponsibility for yourself in
taking ownership of what you'reexperiencing.
And what I mean by that isbecome a detective in your own
(25:18):
life.
Look for the source of yoursymptoms.
They're in your story.
That's why when people come tome I always say tell me your
story.
And in the program we startlearning how to look for the
clues in the story.
I understand what to look fornow because I've I've read a lot
and I've I have read you knowbooks about trauma and books
about you know micronutrientsand and micronutrient
(25:38):
insufficiency and I've readresearch on you know that the
iatrogenic harm that causesbipolar symptoms and
drug-induced bipolar symptoms.
And so the more research I'vedone the easier it is for me to
just see this see the sources ofthe symptoms.
When somebody tells me theirstory I'm like well you've got
three obvious sources ofsymptoms that you've told me
(26:00):
already and there may be more.
And so that's one of the reasonswhy there's tremendous value in
that mood cycle survival guidein step two of the mood cycle
survival guide, your earlywarning system because as you
start recognizing symptoms forwhat they are, then you can
start looking at them withcuriosity over judgment and say,
hmm, that's interesting.
I wonder why I experienced thissymptom so regularly and I
(26:22):
wonder why I have this symptomwhen this happens.
And then you can start lookingfor the source.
You can start actuallyidentifying this is the source
of the symptom.
This is why I have this symptomand then you can treat the
source and resolve the symptom.
But we have been convinced inour society by the psychiatric
industry that anxiety is not afight or flight response.
(26:44):
Anxiety is a disorder you knowdepression is not a the brain's
normal reaction to not gettingadequate nutrition it is a
disorder.
Bipolar is not the result oftrauma and micronutrient
insufficiency.
It's a disorder.
So when we experience thesesymptoms, we don't recognize
them as clues, we don'trecognize them as information.
We just think they areindications that our brains are
(27:06):
broken and they need drugs tofix them.
So you've got to change the wayyou talk about and think about
what you're struggling with.
You have to think about it interms of I don't have bipolar
disorder.
I have bipolar symptoms.
I have symptoms of depression Ihave symptoms of you know
anxiety I have symptoms of maniaI have symptoms of psychosis.
(27:29):
And then look for the source ofthe symptoms.
And one of the things what weeven do more than that is we
start breaking down thosecategories even because one of
the other issues that we havewith these categories is that
everybody who says I haveanxiety thinks they're they're
struggling with the same thing.
And it's not always the samething.
(27:49):
And so it's really important tobreak that down.
What do you mean when you say Ifeel anxious?
What does that look like?
Tell me what you feel in yourbody what happens in your mind
you know what what do you tellme about what your response is
we start breaking the symptomsdown into like or those
categories down into actualsymptoms.
And then that gives us moreinformation about what the
(28:12):
source of the symptom mightactually be.
So that's the second piece toovercoming this victim idea, you
know, this victimhood ischanging the way we think about
and talk about what you'reactually experiencing so that it
empowers you to recognizethere's something I can do about
this.
I'm not a victim.
(28:32):
I don't have to live like this Ican do something about it.
I can be a detective I can lookfor the sources I can treat the
sources and resolve thesymptoms.
And the last thing that I wantto talk about here is really
important.
And I talked about it a littlebit before but I I I need this
needs to have its ownconversation.
I I probably should do a podcaston this at some point if I
(28:55):
haven't one done one already butthe how critical it is to set
healthy boundaries.
It is absolutely essential tohave healthy boundaries if you
want to have healthyrelationships.
And when you believe that youdon't have any control over
these symptoms because it's adisease or disorder it feels
(29:18):
like it's impossible to setboundaries.
In fact I had a conversationwith somebody one time a couple
years ago who was talking aboutsupporting a spouse with bipolar
and and I was saying you knowwhat what what do you do how do
you set healthy boundaries inthere in your marriage and and
her response was you can't haveboundaries in a marriage like
(29:38):
this like you you know if ifthey're in crisis you have to
help you have to you have to runto their rescue you have to you
have to support them you have totake care of them.
And every time as she was sayingthis I could feel my chest
getting tight.
I was like no that's terrible Idon't know that's not right.
That is not right.
And I'm speaking I am speakingas the the spouse who had
(29:58):
bipolar symptoms.
I am speaking as the spouse whowas was the one who was
receiving all the you knowcoddling and and being you know
I I was being told by doctorslike you can't help it they just
have to understand it does notfeel good to hurt people you
love.
(30:19):
It does not feel good to hurtpeople you love.
And if they do not have healthyif there are not healthy
boundaries in the relationshipand ways for them to protect
themselves it hurts not just theperson, you know, not just the
spouse, but it hurts the personwho is struggling with the
symptoms as well because we cansee the damage we're doing.
(30:39):
And it doesn't help us.
It does not help us to to allowus to hurt you.
That does not help us it's acritical to learn how to set
healthy boundaries in yourrelationship.
And when you have been if youhave been struggling in a in a
marriage or a relationship withsomebody with bipolar symptoms
(31:00):
for a long time this is going totake some effort and you're
probably going to need someoutside help because if there
you can have a physicalemotional reaction to the idea
of setting a boundary withsomebody, you know, with your
spouse in that situation becauseyou're you'll think, well if I
don't help them, if I don't takecare of them when they're like
this, then then what are theygoing to do?
(31:20):
Or what will it do to myrelationship?
Or there's a lot of fear.
You have you have conditionedyourself to believe that if you
don't fix the problem thatsomething terrible is going to
happen.
And so you keep going back formore pain and keep allowing them
to inflict more pain on youbecause you're afraid of what
will happen if you set aboundary.
(31:43):
But I promise you that you arenot saving your relationship by
doing that.
You are doing more damage to it.
And I'll explain that a littlebit when you are in a
relationship with somebody whois dysregulated emotionally and
you try to fix them you try tohelp them fix themselves it will
(32:07):
build it will develop intoresentment on their part and on
your part.
For them you're constantlytrying to you're what you're
constantly trying to do andtrying to help them is making
them feel like you see them asbroken and that they need to be
fixed and that they they need tobe helped and they they need to
be you know they can't do forthemselves right which will they
(32:31):
will feel resentful they willstart to feel resentful towards
you and you will start to resentthem because you keep coming
back and you know fixing youknow trying to fix things and
it's not getting any better.
It just keeps happening over andover again and truly you can't
fix them.
The only person who can fixthemselves is themselves in a
(32:53):
healthy relationship I amresponsible for myself you are
responsible for yourself andthen we are accountable to each
other but we are not responsiblefor each other we can't be and
it's not healthy to be I amresponsible for for my own
healing.
I am responsible for my ownrecovery it is if you want to
(33:17):
support each other then you needto set boundaries around that
support.
You need to recognize what yourjob is and what your job isn't.
And that's one of the things weactually talk about in the Mood
Cycle survival guide.
So the at the the very firststep, the response team your
significant other, if you are ina relationship, it is critical
for them to have a role in yoursupport but it's also as as
(33:42):
critical just as critical tomake sure there are healthy
boundaries set around thatsupport.
And I am not going to give a tonof advice on here about that
because I have experience in myown relationship with my husband
and my children and I've workedwith therapists on learning how
to set healthy boundaries inother in other instances but I
(34:03):
am not an expert on boundariesand I'm not an expert on you.
I'm not an expert on your uniquesituation.
But I would highly encouragepeople to get a book on
boundaries and read about it.
Go to a therapist who hasn't youknow who's an expert on setting
boundaries but learn it's a it'sa skill that you need to
develop.
It's not something that is goingto come intuitively especially
(34:26):
if you've been working if you'vebeen living in a codependent
relationship for a long timethis is like a muscle that has
either never existed orcompletely atrophied.
And so you have to exercise thatmuscle you have to get clear on
how to set a healthy boundaryand then you have to apply it
and it's super uncomfortablewhen you first start doing it.
(34:46):
When I first started working onunderstanding and applying
healthy boundaries in myrelationships it was
extraordinarily uncomfortable.
And I felt a lot of anxietydoing it and I messed up lots of
times.
But I would promise you that asyou start to set healthy
boundaries and understand whatthat looks like, it will improve
(35:07):
your relationships dramaticallybecause when you start each
person starts takingresponsibility for themselves
then it's easier to cometogether and start trusting each
other.
That's one of the things thatwas I I had to learn with my
children is I had to learn howto respect their boundaries to
allow them to have boundariesand teach them how to have
(35:28):
boundaries I had to I had tolearn how to have boundaries for
myself healthy boundaries formyself and then I had to learn
how to I think I maybe I alreadysaid this but you have to learn
how to respect each other'sboundaries and when you start
all taking responsibility foryourself then you can then you
can start to trust each other.
You earn back the trust that hasbeen damaged in the
(35:50):
relationship.
When I would do things thatwould hurt you know my husband
or my children I would apologizeand I would take responsibility
for it without equivocation.
I didn't blame anybody else Ididn't blame my bipolar
disorder.
I would acknowledge I didsomething that caused pain and
I'm so sorry.
And this is what I'm doing totry and fix it.
(36:12):
And I didn't I didn't evenexpect them to accept my
apology.
I just said I'm going to trybetter I try harder I'm going to
do better.
And then I just kept showing upI kept coming back and showing
up and and showing them that Imeant it that I was accepting
responsibility for myself that Iwas not choosing to be a victim
(36:32):
any longer and that helped mychildren to learn how to not be
victims.
It helped you know it it just itimproves your relationships.
It's very uncomfortable at firstbut then things get better.
It's so important for us to makesure that we choose not to be a
(36:53):
victim.
It is a choice.
I had I heard this reallyincredible quote one time I wish
I could find the lady that saidit because I would love to
interview her on my podcast.
But she was a therapist of somekind and I was it was a while
ago and I was scrolling throughsocial media and I don't know if
I followed her or not if Ididn't it was kind of a mistake
but I I cannot remember who itwas.
So I apologize that I can't tellyou who said this because but
(37:15):
it's not my it is not my sayingit's somebody else's saying but
they said trauma is a storyhealing is a choice and I want
to adopt that into you knowthey're bipolar bipolar disorder
is a diagnosis healing is achoice the diagnosis does not
(37:36):
give you answers about whyyou're experiencing these
symptoms and it can turn youinto a victim if you choose to
let it but you can choose not tolet it turn you into victim.
You can choose to heal it's notcomfortable but it is absolutely
worth it one of the things thatI say in my uh at the end of my
(37:57):
book in one of the chapters isuh I think it's chapter 11 or
12.
I apologize that I can'tremember the exact chapter but
it's on the Living Mindfullychapter or no I think it's the
final chapter.
Sorry um but it is choose yourhard your life is already hard.
(38:18):
If you're struggling withbipolar symptoms or if you have
a loved one struggling withbipolar symptoms your life is
already hard and it willcontinue to be hard.
As long as you keep living theway that you're living it will
continue to be hard so your lifeis already difficult.
It's already hard so you canchoose the hard that keeps you
(38:40):
stuck indefinitely in thisstruggle or you can choose the
hard that leads to healing youcan choose the hard that leads
to recovery you can choose thehard that leads to healthy
relationships and a balancedmind and the ability to live
your life the way you want tolive it healing is absolutely
(39:03):
possible.
You don't have to be a victim tothese symptoms for the rest of
your life bipolar disorder isnot identifying an underlying
condition it is just identifyinga cluster of symptoms symptoms
have information you can chooseto become a detective in your
life look for the sources ofyour symptoms and treat those
(39:24):
sources using a research-basedintegrated approach that leads
to healing and recovery so myquestion for you is are you
going to choose to be a victimor are you going to choose to
heal?
Let me know in the comments Iwould love to hear from you.
If you're ready to heal and youwant to know more about the
Upsiders tribe make sure yousend me an email I'll have my
(39:46):
email linked down below and youcan set up a 30 minute
complimentary Zoom where we cantalk about your specific
situation and I can tell youwhether or not the Upsiders
tribe is a good fit for you.
If you haven't read my book makesure you read That.
I talk about my own recoveryjourney and the steps that I
took to recovery.
It's designed as a self-helpbook, so you could use that on
(40:06):
your own.
But I want to ask you to thinkabout that.
Are you going to choose tocontinue to be a victim or do
you want to choose to heal?
The choice is yours.
Have a great day.
I look forward to hearing fromyou, hopefully.
Until next time, outsiders.
(40:28):
Thanks for joining me on theUpside of Bipolar.
Your journey to recoverymatters, and I'm grateful you're
here.
For more resources, visitwww.theupsideofbipolar.com.
If you're ready to dive deeper,grab my book, The Upside of
Bipolar (40:42):
Seven Steps to Heal Your Disorder.
If you're ready to heal yoursymptoms, join my monthly
membership, The Upsiders Tribe,to transform chaos into hope.
Until next time, Upsiders.
We have been convinced in our society by the
psychiatric industry thatanxiety is not a fight or flight
response.
Anxiety is a disorder.
The brain's normal reaction tonot getting adequate nutrition,
it is a disorder.
Bipolar is not the result oftrauma and micronutrient
insufficiency.
It's a disorder.
So when we experience thesesymptoms, we don't recognize
(00:22):
them as clues.
We don't recognize them asinformation.
We just think they areindications that our brains are
broken and they need drugs tofix them.
Welcome to the Upside ofBipolar, where we uncover the
true sources of bipolar symptomsand share proven tools for
recovery.
I'm your host, MichelleReitinger, number one
(00:42):
international best-sellingauthor of the Upside of Bipolar
Seven Steps to Heal YourDisorder.
In this podcast, I bring yousolo insights from my journey
and guest interviews withleading researchers and experts.
Join us to transform chaos intohope and reclaim your life.
Let's heal together.
(01:11):
And I'm doing another soloepisode today because there is a
topic that keeps coming up onsocial media, in my group, in
other forums, and so I thoughtwe needed to talk about it
today.
And that topic is how importantit is for us to choose to stop
being a victim to our diagnosis.
In a previous episode, I talkedabout how harmful the bipolar
(01:32):
diagnosis actually is because itdoes not actually give us an
answer to why we're experiencingthe symptoms because a bipolar
diagnosis is not based on anunderlying etiology or an
underlying disease.
It is solely based on thesymptoms.
When this diagnosis was createdin the first place, they did not
identify an underlying etiology.
They did not identify anunderlying disease mechanism.
(01:53):
They just created a diagnosisbased solely on a cluster of
symptoms for the purpose ofmedicating.
It was for the purpose ofdoctors to know which
psychiatric drugs they weregoing to give to their patients.
And it's a very subjectivediagnosis as well, because the
symptoms are self-reported andinterpreted by the individual
psychiatrist.
And I've seen interestingdocumentaries that have shown
(02:16):
people going into variouspsychiatrists with vague
symptoms and getting diagnosedwith different things based on
the psychiatrist observation anddiscernment.
So there is no underlyingetiology or disease being
identified by the bipolardiagnosis.
However, what it does is itactually makes people feel like
they don't have any control overthe symptoms they're
(02:38):
experiencing.
And that feels valid because forme, when I was going through the
symptoms that led up to mydiagnosis, I didn't feel like I
had control over what was goingon.
I felt very helpless and I feltvery confused about why I was
experiencing these symptoms.
I kept trying to fix myself.
I was buying self-help books.
I kept trying to give myself anew schedule.
(02:58):
I kept trying all these thingsto try and fix what was going on
with me.
And I didn't understand why Icouldn't just exercise more
self-control and fix myself.
And so when I went into thedoctor for the diagnosis and
received the bipolar diagnosis,I felt like I'd been given an
explanation.
And I talk about this in aprevious episode.
I'll link that in the shownotes.
So I'm not going to belabor thatpoint today, but I want to talk
(03:21):
about what happens when somebodyis diagnosed with bipolar and
begins to feel like a victim.
You feel helpless, you feel likeyou don't have any control.
And so people start to give up.
They start to feel like I can'thelp this.
I can't, it's just part of who Iam.
And it's one of the reasons whywe end up with so many people,
you know, advocating forawareness and normalizing.
(03:44):
And, you know, there's a lot ofadvocacy online to try and get
people to accept people who arestruggling with bipolar symptoms
as they are.
Because, you know, based on whatwe're told about bipolar
diagnosis, we can't helpourselves.
It's just the way we are.
We have a disease that we don'thave any control over, a
disorder we don't have anycontrol over.
It creates victims in the peoplediagnosed, and it creates
(04:06):
victims in the people who lovethem and who are close to them
because they suffer right alongwith the person who's struggling
with the symptoms.
So it's really important for usto understand that the diagnosis
itself is creating a victim,turning you into a victim.
And I'm going to talk a littlebit about my story just to make
sure that that is what I'mtalking about is clear.
(04:28):
So I talked, you know, Imentioned when I went to the
doctor initially and I wasdiagnosed with bipolar disorder,
and I thought I had been givenan answer.
And so I started to depend onnumber one, the medication,
because the symptoms that I wasexperiencing, I was told were a
chemical imbalance that I didn'thave any control over it.
(04:50):
My brain chemistry was messedup, and the medication was
supposed to fix that.
So I became very dependent onthe medication and I went very
proactively to the doctor on aregular basis.
I took every medication I wasgiven, and that turned me into a
victim because when themedication wouldn't work, I felt
helpless.
(05:10):
I felt discouraged.
I felt frustrated.
And the medications alsointroduced all kinds of new
problems for me because I endedup with a bunch of new side
effects.
The first serious side effectthat I experienced was mania,
because when I was initiallydiagnosed, I was first diagnosed
with depression and anxiety, andthey put me in an antidepressant
and it ramped me up into mania.
(05:31):
So that was the firstquote-unquote side effect.
And I am putting that in scarequotes because Professor Joanna
Moncrief says we talk about themas if they're side effects, as
if they are incidental to theaction of the drug, when in fact
that is what the drug is doing.
About 60% of the people who arediagnosed with bipolar disorder
were first treated fordepression using
antidepressants.
(05:51):
And that's another squot sayingantidepressant, because that's
just a marketing name to makepeople think that it is an
anti-something, that it'santidepressant.
But the antidepressant, one ofthe drug action, one of the
actual effects of the drug is tocause mania.
Antidepressants can cause mania.
(06:11):
It is not incidental to thedrug, to, to the drug action.
It is what the drug does.
And instead of acknowledgingthat the antidepressant actually
causes mania, you will be told,this is what I was told, and
I've heard lots of other peoplethat were told the same thing,
that it actually revealed youwere misdiagnosed and that what
you actually have is bipolar.
(06:32):
And so then my diagnosis waschanged to bipolar too, and I
was put on lithium, was thefirst, the first mood stabilizer
mood stabilizer I was put on.
And that caused psychosis forme.
I had a psychotic episode on thelithium.
And I've also had people say,well, you must not have been
bipolar because lithium workedfor me.
(06:53):
It is like playing Russianroulette with medication.
They don't fully understand whatthese drugs do in the brain or
what the what is causing thesymptoms in the first place.
And so it's it's like acrapsuit.
It's, you know, they're they areplaying guess and check with
these medications.
They're gonna put one, put youon one.
And I've heard people on outonline say it's just part of the
(07:14):
process.
It might take 10 years to findthe right medications.
What a joke! Like that is soridiculous.
If these medications were reallytreating an underlying
condition, if they are reallytreating a chemical imbalance,
if they were really likediabetes and the medication like
insulin, then it there would bea standard protocol for treating
the underlying diseasemechanism.
(07:35):
But that's not the case.
And so I was dependent on themedications that were not
working.
And so the side effects be, youknow, made me feel helpless.
The symptoms that I was stillexperiencing made me feel
helpless.
And I was burning down my lifearound me on a regular basis,
and I didn't feel like I had anycontrol over it.
And it made me feel terribleabout myself.
(07:57):
I kept trying to fix myself.
I kept, you know, I was takingall the medications doctors were
taking, telling me to take, andnothing was working.
The other thing that I wasdependent on were going to
therapists.
And that was not.
I hated therapy for the firstlike 10 years after my diagnosis
because therapy did not help me.
(08:19):
Therapy actually made thingsworse for me in a lot of ways
because about 85% of therapy isjust talk therapy.
And if you constantly focus onyour problems, they start to
feel bigger.
They start to feel more intense.
You start to feel more like avictim, more helpless, more like
things are happening to you thatyou have no control over.
And the problems feel bigger andthey become bigger in your mind.
(08:42):
And I, that's one of the reasonswhy I hated therapy.
I I would go to therapy reallyconsistently whenever my doctors
told me to do it.
And each time I did it, Iremember multiple occasions
going and talking to thetherapist for 45 minutes about
the things I was strugglingwith.
And then, you know, they would,they would give me feedback and
(09:03):
and make made me make me feelheard.
And then I would leave thesession feeling more depressed
than when I went in the firstplace, more discouraged, more
frustrated.
The things that I was reallystruggling with, I needed help
with.
And the tools and the resourcesthat they would suggest to me
weren't helpful.
I've talked before about one ofthe most distressing symptoms
(09:24):
that I experienced, which hasbeen termed bipolar rage.
And I would experience what Inow understand is called
dissociation.
When I would experience triggersfor this anger, this rage, I it
was, I was on a hair trigger.
And the second somethinghappened, and I never even, I
didn't always know what wasgoing to trigger it.
(09:45):
But the second it happened, Iwas, I, I was in a rage and I
had no control over what wasgoing on anymore.
And I felt like I was watchingmyself do it.
And part of me, there's a tinypart of my brain that was like,
Stop! Like, don't do this again.
But I didn't have controlanymore.
I was down in the lower part ofmy brain, I was in fight or
flight, and I was, you know, outof control with this anger.
(10:09):
And then when it was over, Iwould feel tremendous shame.
So I'd go to the therapist and Iwould ask for help.
And they would tell me thingslike, take a time out, or count
to 10.
And I it was so frustrating.
Every time I would have atherapist say things like that
to me because I kept trying tohelp them understand, you don't
understand.
There isn't time between thestimulus and the response to
(10:30):
make a decision.
There wasn't time for me tothink about what was happening
or to recognize I was gettingangry.
It wasn't like that.
It wasn't escalating into anger.
It was, I turned on a dime.
Like the second the triggerhappened, I was filled with rage
and anger.
And I was getting more and morediscouraged because the things
(10:51):
that I was supposed to be usingto help me cope with and manage
these symptoms that I had nocontrol over because they were a
chemical imbalance weren'thelping.
In fact, I felt like they weremaking me worse.
And I that was what led to mestarting to feel despair.
And and so it turned me into avictim.
(11:12):
This, this, this diagnosis andthe the treatment for it made me
turn me into a victim.
And the people that I loved themost in the world, my husband
and my children were also beingvictimized by this uh diagnosis
and the treatment.
For my husband, I was thesqueaky will that was always
(11:34):
getting the oil.
One of the things that's reallyhard on partners and spouses is
the person that you love thatyou committed your life to is
unpredictable.
I was unpredictable.
I would go for a while, youknow, being really happy and and
tons of energy and and big ideasand that, and then I would all
(11:56):
of a sudden be depressed and Iwould be dysfunctional and
couldn't get out of bed.
And and my husband, when youlove somebody, you want to help
them.
So he would try to help me.
But the longer this went on, themore he started to feel like he
couldn't have needs because henever knew whether or not I had
the capacity to meet his needs.
(12:19):
I was this queaky whale that wasalways getting the oil.
And one of the things that Ihave seen in my own that I saw
in my own marriage back then,and that I have seen in other
people's relationships is thatit very frequently turns into a
codependent relationship.
Very frequently, one partner isconstantly trying to save the
(12:41):
other partner or fix the otherpartner or help the other
partner or support the otherpartner, and it can turn into
resentment, it can turn intofrustration and hurt and anger
because you cannot fix somebodyelse like that, but you're
trying.
And you feel like you'reresponsible for the other
person.
You feel like you you need tohelp the other person, and so
(13:01):
often it happens at greatpersonal emotional sacrifice,
it's very unhealthy.
The child the children in thesesituations are absolutely
victims.
They absolutely become victimsbecause children are dependent
on their primary caregivers todevelop the capacity to
emotionally regulate themselves.
(13:23):
And when you are raised bysomebody who is dysregulated and
unpredictable, it createsanxiety.
It can cause, you know, ADHDsymptoms, it can cause, you
know, there's all kinds ofissues that can develop out of
this because they don't,children don't are not born with
the ability to emotionallyregulate themselves.
(13:44):
They have to be taught how to dothat.
And that's one of the roles, oneof the most important roles of a
caregiver, of one of theirprimary caregivers, their
parent, you know, mom or dad, isto help them learn how to
regulate their emotions.
And so we when you have adysregulated parent, you end up
with dysregulated children.
And so we have we have a system,the diagnosis and the system
(14:09):
that is is you know the bestpractices for treating bipolar
disorder, it turns people intovictims, it turns entire
families into victims.
My invitation to you today is tochoose to stop being a victim.
And I want to talk about how youdo that.
And the first thing that I wantyou to think about is how
(14:31):
important it is to choose torecognize your own personal
responsibility in managing yoursymptoms.
This came to me when I was outof my, I had just gotten out of
my fourth hospitalization and Iwas watching my children play,
and I had this thought nobody iscoming to save you.
(14:51):
You have to find a way to saveyourself.
At that point, I had been intreatment for about 11 years,
and the year before was when Ihad my breakdown and I was
hospitalized three times and Ihad become suicidal.
And I had had the experiencethat I've shared in the past of
watching my children play andrecognizing that if I ever
successfully ended my life, Iwould ruin my daughter's life.
(15:14):
My little four-year-old daughterwould believe it was her fault
and it would ruin her life.
And so I had made a commitmentnot to die.
I had made a commitment tosurvive for her.
But that following year was justsurviving.
It was just white knuckling it,holding on for dear life,
because again, I was a victim tothe symptoms.
I was a victim to this disorder.
And I believed that the best Icould expect out of life was
(15:36):
learning how to manage well orcope well or or hang on and just
do the best I can because I, youknow, I have a disorder and I
can't do anything about it.
But that day after the fourthhospitalization, as I watched my
children play and I had thisrealization, like, you know,
these symptoms are coming.
(15:56):
You know that that it's going tohappen.
You know what this cycle lookslike.
What are you going to do aboutit?
You have to stop being a victimto it because it's not a way to
there, it's no way to live.
And honestly, I had never, thethought had never occurred to
me.
Honestly, the thought had neveroccurred to me that I could do
anything about it.
One of the things that was sofrustrating for me when I was in
(16:18):
treatment with traditionalpsychiatric treatment was how
the system tended to get turnpeople into very t turn people
inward and create very create aself-centered person.
Because if you're constantly incrisis and you and you believe
you can't do anything about it,you're always turning inward.
(16:39):
You're always focused inward onyour depression or on your
anxiety or and and you don'twant to be around people and and
people have to just understand,right?
So we become very self-focused.
But I was at war with myselfover this because when I would
have psychiatrists talk, youknow, suggest that, you know, we
just need to help your husbandunderstand.
(17:00):
You know, it's not your fault.
Or, you know, don't worry, yourchild, you know, children are
resilient.
That was one of the things thatI hated the word most was when I
would hear them say, Don'tworry, children are resilient.
I thought my kids shouldn't haveto be resilient when it came to
their mom and the way that theirmom is behaving.
Maybe it's not my fault, but Iknew it wasn't my husband's
fault, and it absolutely wasn'tmy children's fault.
(17:20):
And I had to figure out a way tohelp myself.
I had to figure out a way to beresponsible for myself.
And nobody was teaching me how.
Not the psychiatrist, not thetherapists.
I mean, they would teach mecoping mechanisms, but they
wouldn't really truly teach mehow to help myself because in
order for this diagnosis to bevalid, I could I couldn't have
(17:42):
control over myself, right?
This this is a chemicalimbalance.
And it's not possible.
The best thing, you know, themost important thing that I can
do is take my medication.
And if the medication's notworking, what then?
So as I began to develop thismid-cycle survival guide over
time, I that day I started witha journal.
I was just trying to writethings down, trying to figure
out like, what do I know aboutthis?
(18:04):
What do I know based on myexperience about my mood swings,
about my symptoms, about whatcauses the damage in my life
surrounding surrounding thesesymptoms.
And I just started to workthrough like, how do I, how do I
take responsibility for myself?
And the first thing that thatcame up for me is my response
(18:24):
team.
And I didn't call it a responseteam at the time, but that's
what it turned into was I knew Ineeded help.
I knew there were times when Ineeded assistance, I needed
help.
But generally, I didn'tacknowledge that need ahead of
time.
Usually I wasn't thinking aboutit until I was desperate, until
I was in crisis.
(18:45):
Largely because I didn't want toneed help.
Truly, I didn't want to needhelp all the time in my life.
I wanted to be independent.
I wanted to take care of myself.
I wanted to be a responsiblemother and be able to take care
of my home and my family andcoach swimming and, you know,
all the other things that I liketo do.
I wanted to be able to do thosethings without disruption in my
life from these symptoms.
But at the time, the reality wasI did experience those symptoms.
(19:07):
So being stubborn and pridefuland not acknowledging that I
would need help at times wasn'thelping me.
And so I recognized the firstthing I need to do is figure out
what help I do need when I'mexperiencing the symptoms, who I
can ask for that help, and howdo I create healthy boundaries
around that assistance so that Idon't burn bridges.
(19:29):
That's one of the most importantthings.
And like I said, you know, thepsychiatric treatment I went
through turned me into a selfishperson in a lot of ways because
I was very self-centered.
You know, people just need tounderstand, they just need to
help.
You know, I just want to, youknow, and it and it felt very
wrong, but that's what I wasbeing told on a regular basis.
And now I was recognizing like Icare about my friends, I care
(19:54):
about my family, and I want to,I want to have healthy
relationships with them.
So in order to maintain maintaina healthy relationship when I'm
struggling with these symptoms.
I have to acknowledge, I have toallow them to have boundaries
and I need to set healthyboundaries in the relationships
so that, so that we can, so thatI don't ruin my relationship
every time I'm struggling withsymptoms.
(20:16):
So that was that was where theresponse team started to
develop.
And I'm not going to go into aton of detail.
I I've already gone into somedetail there about how that came
about.
But if you haven't developed amood cycle survival guide yet, I
encourage you to please go gostart that now.
There's a link in in the shownotes here.
There's a link in my, you know,on my website.
(20:37):
It's a free resource.
And anybody who's strugglingwith these with these symptoms
needs to begin here.
This is when you choose to stopbeing a victim and you start
taking responsibility foryourself.
So that's the first step in themood cycle survival guide.
The first thing that I startedrecognizing that I needed to do
in order to stop being a victim,stop allowing myself to be a
(20:58):
victim to these symptoms.
The second one was the earlywarning system.
And this is where I started tobecome self-aware.
This was where I startedrecognizing like I need to
identify that I'm starting toexperience these these
experience these symptoms asearly as possible so that I can
start managing it better andmore effectively and earlier.
Instead of waiting until I waslike yanked onto the roller
(21:20):
coaster, I needed to try andbecome aware of of that earlier.
And one of the keys to that wasstarting to identify what
actually triggers thesesymptoms.
I'd felt like I didn't have anyidea what was going on until I
was in you know in a cycle, in amood cycle.
But I started recognizing likethere are actually things that
trigger these symptoms.
Sometimes they feltunpredictable but the more I the
(21:43):
more I started to look at myselfcritically and started to track
symptoms and energy and mood, Istarted seeing correlations.
I started recognizing howsometimes these symptoms arise,
you know, came out of triggers.
There were things that triggeredthem.
And by doing that, by bystarting to develop this early
warning system for myself, Istarted to recognize like there
(22:06):
were triggers I could eliminateyou know there were things that
I could eliminate that wouldprevent that trigger from
triggering symptoms.
And there were other things thatI needed to work through with a
therapist later.
And then the power prioritieswas the next step, which was
learning how to manage emotionalresources in an effective way so
that I didn't exacerbatesymptoms when they occurred.
(22:28):
And then the final piece waslearning how to reboot my
system.
So those that four steps werethe beginning of me starting to
choose not to be a victim anylonger to these symptoms.
It was me choosing to takeresponsibility for myself being
proactive in managing thesymptoms rather than allowing
myself to be a victim to them.
(22:49):
And that began the path torecovery.
That was the very first step onthe path to recovery.
And that truly is everybodyanybody who wants to recover
from their symptoms needs totake responsibility for
themselves.
That's why this is the firststep in my coaching program, the
Upsider's tribe everyone has tocreate a mood cycle survival
guide for themselves becausethat's the beginning of changing
(23:10):
how you approach these symptomslearning how to be proactive and
responsible for yourself.
And that leads to the second thesecond tip for overcoming this
victimhood in in with bipolarsymptoms, which is changing the
way you think about and talkabout what you're experiencing.
In our program and I've talkedabout this in the past but I'm
(23:32):
going to I'm going to repeat itbecause it it it has a lot of
you know value here.
We do not talk about bipolardisorder in my program.
It can come up because we've youwe're used to using that
language but I always you knowwe always come back to okay we
don't talk about bipolardisorder we talk about bipolar
symptoms.
And the reason that distinctionmatters is because bipolar
(23:53):
disorder that that phrase thatthat term reinforces this idea
that you don't have any controlover what's happening to you
because it's a disorder rightand if you keep using that
language you will keepreinforcing in your brain the
idea that you don't have controlwhich reinforces a victimhood
(24:13):
mentality.
It continues to put you back inthe victim space, right?
And so we don't talk aboutbipolar disorder we don't say
things like I am bipolar.
We don't even say I have bipolarwe talk about how I have bipolar
symptoms.
And then to follow that up wesay symptoms are information and
(24:35):
you are a detective in yourlife.
So this is a mindset shift wehave so much we have become so
dependent in our society onexperts.
In fact I one of the things thatI regularly get attacked about
is you know what's your degree?
And I've kind of gotten tired ofbeing asked that question and so
(24:57):
I've gotten a little snarkysometimes with it saying well I
have a brain and common senseand the ability to read and
understand research and applyit.
But truly you need to takeresponsibility for yourself in
taking ownership of what you'reexperiencing.
And what I mean by that isbecome a detective in your own
(25:18):
life.
Look for the source of yoursymptoms.
They're in your story.
That's why when people come tome I always say tell me your
story.
And in the program we startlearning how to look for the
clues in the story.
I understand what to look fornow because I've I've read a lot
and I've I have read you knowbooks about trauma and books
about you know micronutrientsand and micronutrient
(25:38):
insufficiency and I've readresearch on you know that the
iatrogenic harm that causesbipolar symptoms and
drug-induced bipolar symptoms.
And so the more research I'vedone the easier it is for me to
just see this see the sources ofthe symptoms.
When somebody tells me theirstory I'm like well you've got
three obvious sources ofsymptoms that you've told me
(26:00):
already and there may be more.
And so that's one of the reasonswhy there's tremendous value in
that mood cycle survival guidein step two of the mood cycle
survival guide, your earlywarning system because as you
start recognizing symptoms forwhat they are, then you can
start looking at them withcuriosity over judgment and say,
hmm, that's interesting.
I wonder why I experienced thissymptom so regularly and I
(26:22):
wonder why I have this symptomwhen this happens.
And then you can start lookingfor the source.
You can start actuallyidentifying this is the source
of the symptom.
This is why I have this symptomand then you can treat the
source and resolve the symptom.
But we have been convinced inour society by the psychiatric
industry that anxiety is not afight or flight response.
(26:44):
Anxiety is a disorder you knowdepression is not a the brain's
normal reaction to not gettingadequate nutrition it is a
disorder.
Bipolar is not the result oftrauma and micronutrient
insufficiency.
It's a disorder.
So when we experience thesesymptoms, we don't recognize
them as clues, we don'trecognize them as information.
We just think they areindications that our brains are
(27:06):
broken and they need drugs tofix them.
So you've got to change the wayyou talk about and think about
what you're struggling with.
You have to think about it interms of I don't have bipolar
disorder.
I have bipolar symptoms.
I have symptoms of depression Ihave symptoms of you know
anxiety I have symptoms of maniaI have symptoms of psychosis.
(27:29):
And then look for the source ofthe symptoms.
And one of the things what weeven do more than that is we
start breaking down thosecategories even because one of
the other issues that we havewith these categories is that
everybody who says I haveanxiety thinks they're they're
struggling with the same thing.
And it's not always the samething.
(27:49):
And so it's really important tobreak that down.
What do you mean when you say Ifeel anxious?
What does that look like?
Tell me what you feel in yourbody what happens in your mind
you know what what do you tellme about what your response is
we start breaking the symptomsdown into like or those
categories down into actualsymptoms.
And then that gives us moreinformation about what the
(28:12):
source of the symptom mightactually be.
So that's the second piece toovercoming this victim idea, you
know, this victimhood ischanging the way we think about
and talk about what you'reactually experiencing so that it
empowers you to recognizethere's something I can do about
this.
I'm not a victim.
(28:32):
I don't have to live like this Ican do something about it.
I can be a detective I can lookfor the sources I can treat the
sources and resolve thesymptoms.
And the last thing that I wantto talk about here is really
important.
And I talked about it a littlebit before but I I I need this
needs to have its ownconversation.
I I probably should do a podcaston this at some point if I
(28:55):
haven't one done one already butthe how critical it is to set
healthy boundaries.
It is absolutely essential tohave healthy boundaries if you
want to have healthyrelationships.
And when you believe that youdon't have any control over
these symptoms because it's adisease or disorder it feels
(29:18):
like it's impossible to setboundaries.
In fact I had a conversationwith somebody one time a couple
years ago who was talking aboutsupporting a spouse with bipolar
and and I was saying you knowwhat what what do you do how do
you set healthy boundaries inthere in your marriage and and
her response was you can't haveboundaries in a marriage like
(29:38):
this like you you know if ifthey're in crisis you have to
help you have to you have to runto their rescue you have to you
have to support them you have totake care of them.
And every time as she was sayingthis I could feel my chest
getting tight.
I was like no that's terrible Idon't know that's not right.
That is not right.
And I'm speaking I am speakingas the the spouse who had
(29:58):
bipolar symptoms.
I am speaking as the spouse whowas was the one who was
receiving all the you knowcoddling and and being you know
I I was being told by doctorslike you can't help it they just
have to understand it does notfeel good to hurt people you
love.
(30:19):
It does not feel good to hurtpeople you love.
And if they do not have healthyif there are not healthy
boundaries in the relationshipand ways for them to protect
themselves it hurts not just theperson, you know, not just the
spouse, but it hurts the personwho is struggling with the
symptoms as well because we cansee the damage we're doing.
(30:39):
And it doesn't help us.
It does not help us to to allowus to hurt you.
That does not help us it's acritical to learn how to set
healthy boundaries in yourrelationship.
And when you have been if youhave been struggling in a in a
marriage or a relationship withsomebody with bipolar symptoms
(31:00):
for a long time this is going totake some effort and you're
probably going to need someoutside help because if there
you can have a physicalemotional reaction to the idea
of setting a boundary withsomebody, you know, with your
spouse in that situation becauseyou're you'll think, well if I
don't help them, if I don't takecare of them when they're like
this, then then what are theygoing to do?
(31:20):
Or what will it do to myrelationship?
Or there's a lot of fear.
You have you have conditionedyourself to believe that if you
don't fix the problem thatsomething terrible is going to
happen.
And so you keep going back formore pain and keep allowing them
to inflict more pain on youbecause you're afraid of what
will happen if you set aboundary.
(31:43):
But I promise you that you arenot saving your relationship by
doing that.
You are doing more damage to it.
And I'll explain that a littlebit when you are in a
relationship with somebody whois dysregulated emotionally and
you try to fix them you try tohelp them fix themselves it will
(32:07):
build it will develop intoresentment on their part and on
your part.
For them you're constantlytrying to you're what you're
constantly trying to do andtrying to help them is making
them feel like you see them asbroken and that they need to be
fixed and that they they need tobe helped and they they need to
be you know they can't do forthemselves right which will they
(32:31):
will feel resentful they willstart to feel resentful towards
you and you will start to resentthem because you keep coming
back and you know fixing youknow trying to fix things and
it's not getting any better.
It just keeps happening over andover again and truly you can't
fix them.
The only person who can fixthemselves is themselves in a
(32:53):
healthy relationship I amresponsible for myself you are
responsible for yourself andthen we are accountable to each
other but we are not responsiblefor each other we can't be and
it's not healthy to be I amresponsible for for my own
healing.
I am responsible for my ownrecovery it is if you want to
(33:17):
support each other then you needto set boundaries around that
support.
You need to recognize what yourjob is and what your job isn't.
And that's one of the things weactually talk about in the Mood
Cycle survival guide.
So the at the the very firststep, the response team your
significant other, if you are ina relationship, it is critical
for them to have a role in yoursupport but it's also as as
(33:42):
critical just as critical tomake sure there are healthy
boundaries set around thatsupport.
And I am not going to give a tonof advice on here about that
because I have experience in myown relationship with my husband
and my children and I've workedwith therapists on learning how
to set healthy boundaries inother in other instances but I
(34:03):
am not an expert on boundariesand I'm not an expert on you.
I'm not an expert on your uniquesituation.
But I would highly encouragepeople to get a book on
boundaries and read about it.
Go to a therapist who hasn't youknow who's an expert on setting
boundaries but learn it's a it'sa skill that you need to
develop.
It's not something that is goingto come intuitively especially
(34:26):
if you've been working if you'vebeen living in a codependent
relationship for a long timethis is like a muscle that has
either never existed orcompletely atrophied.
And so you have to exercise thatmuscle you have to get clear on
how to set a healthy boundaryand then you have to apply it
and it's super uncomfortablewhen you first start doing it.
(34:46):
When I first started working onunderstanding and applying
healthy boundaries in myrelationships it was
extraordinarily uncomfortable.
And I felt a lot of anxietydoing it and I messed up lots of
times.
But I would promise you that asyou start to set healthy
boundaries and understand whatthat looks like, it will improve
(35:07):
your relationships dramaticallybecause when you start each
person starts takingresponsibility for themselves
then it's easier to cometogether and start trusting each
other.
That's one of the things thatwas I I had to learn with my
children is I had to learn howto respect their boundaries to
allow them to have boundariesand teach them how to have
(35:28):
boundaries I had to I had tolearn how to have boundaries for
myself healthy boundaries formyself and then I had to learn
how to I think I maybe I alreadysaid this but you have to learn
how to respect each other'sboundaries and when you start
all taking responsibility foryourself then you can then you
can start to trust each other.
You earn back the trust that hasbeen damaged in the
(35:50):
relationship.
When I would do things thatwould hurt you know my husband
or my children I would apologizeand I would take responsibility
for it without equivocation.
I didn't blame anybody else Ididn't blame my bipolar
disorder.
I would acknowledge I didsomething that caused pain and
I'm so sorry.
And this is what I'm doing totry and fix it.
(36:12):
And I didn't I didn't evenexpect them to accept my
apology.
I just said I'm going to trybetter I try harder I'm going to
do better.
And then I just kept showing upI kept coming back and showing
up and and showing them that Imeant it that I was accepting
responsibility for myself that Iwas not choosing to be a victim
(36:32):
any longer and that helped mychildren to learn how to not be
victims.
It helped you know it it just itimproves your relationships.
It's very uncomfortable at firstbut then things get better.
It's so important for us to makesure that we choose not to be a
(36:53):
victim.
It is a choice.
I had I heard this reallyincredible quote one time I wish
I could find the lady that saidit because I would love to
interview her on my podcast.
But she was a therapist of somekind and I was it was a while
ago and I was scrolling throughsocial media and I don't know if
I followed her or not if Ididn't it was kind of a mistake
but I I cannot remember who itwas.
So I apologize that I can't tellyou who said this because but
(37:15):
it's not my it is not my sayingit's somebody else's saying but
they said trauma is a storyhealing is a choice and I want
to adopt that into you knowthey're bipolar bipolar disorder
is a diagnosis healing is achoice the diagnosis does not
(37:36):
give you answers about whyyou're experiencing these
symptoms and it can turn youinto a victim if you choose to
let it but you can choose not tolet it turn you into victim.
You can choose to heal it's notcomfortable but it is absolutely
worth it one of the things thatI say in my uh at the end of my
(37:57):
book in one of the chapters isuh I think it's chapter 11 or
12.
I apologize that I can'tremember the exact chapter but
it's on the Living Mindfullychapter or no I think it's the
final chapter.
Sorry um but it is choose yourhard your life is already hard.
(38:18):
If you're struggling withbipolar symptoms or if you have
a loved one struggling withbipolar symptoms your life is
already hard and it willcontinue to be hard.
As long as you keep living theway that you're living it will
continue to be hard so your lifeis already difficult.
It's already hard so you canchoose the hard that keeps you
(38:40):
stuck indefinitely in thisstruggle or you can choose the
hard that leads to healing youcan choose the hard that leads
to recovery you can choose thehard that leads to healthy
relationships and a balancedmind and the ability to live
your life the way you want tolive it healing is absolutely
(39:03):
possible.
You don't have to be a victim tothese symptoms for the rest of
your life bipolar disorder isnot identifying an underlying
condition it is just identifyinga cluster of symptoms symptoms
have information you can chooseto become a detective in your
life look for the sources ofyour symptoms and treat those
(39:24):
sources using a research-basedintegrated approach that leads
to healing and recovery so myquestion for you is are you
going to choose to be a victimor are you going to choose to
heal?
Let me know in the comments Iwould love to hear from you.
If you're ready to heal and youwant to know more about the
Upsiders tribe make sure yousend me an email I'll have my
(39:46):
email linked down below and youcan set up a 30 minute
complimentary Zoom where we cantalk about your specific
situation and I can tell youwhether or not the Upsiders
tribe is a good fit for you.
If you haven't read my book makesure you read That.
I talk about my own recoveryjourney and the steps that I
took to recovery.
It's designed as a self-helpbook, so you could use that on
(40:06):
your own.
But I want to ask you to thinkabout that.
Are you going to choose tocontinue to be a victim or do
you want to choose to heal?
The choice is yours.
Have a great day.
I look forward to hearing fromyou, hopefully.
Until next time, outsiders.
(40:28):
Thanks for joining me on theUpside of Bipolar.
Your journey to recoverymatters, and I'm grateful you're
here.
For more resources, visitwww.theupsideofbipolar.com.
If you're ready to dive deeper,grab my book, The Upside of
Bipolar (40:42):
Seven Steps to Heal Your Disorder.
If you're ready to heal yoursymptoms, join my monthly
membership, The Upsiders Tribe,to transform chaos into hope.
Until next time, Upsiders.
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