February 24, 2026 • 39 mins
I'm back, y'all and SO much has happened since the last time we talked. In this episode, I'm sharing the updated science of attraction and influence and breaking down the PIES method: the four pillars that change the way you show up in every area of your life.
PIES stands for Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual, and each pillar has four specific inputs that you can control. These aren't about looking a certain way or performing for other people. They're about building the kind of embodied confidence that people notice when you walk into a room.
In this episode, I'm diving into all 16 inputs across the four pillars, busting some myths from the self-help world that keep people stuck, and sharing the personal experiences (including finishing my PhD!) that sparked a renewed vision for this work.
Oh, and I'm officially Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes now. 🎓
đź”— Take the free PIES assessment to see your inputs, outputs, and where your biggest area for growth is: https://kimberlybeamholmes.com/pies-assessment
In this episode, I cover:
The PIES method explained
The 4 inputs for Physical attraction & influence
The 4 inputs for Intellectual attraction & influence
The 4 inputs for Emotional attraction & influence
The 4 inputs for Spiritual attraction & influence
How to see where you're at risk for burnout
The free PIES assessment
This is the first episode of The Way You Show Up — a podcast and YouTube series all about the science of attraction and influence, and how focusing on these four pillars changes the way you show up at work, at home, in your marriage, in your parenting, and beyond.
New episodes every week. Subscribe so you don't miss one!
I'm Dr. Kimberly Beam Holmes. After a decade transforming marriages at Marriage Helper, I've realized that the greatest tragedy isn't a failed relationship; it's the person who stays stuck and never experiences the fullness of all God intended.
The Way You Show Up is for the high-achiever who is tired of "fine."
We're dismantling the average life to build an exceptional one—using the science of the PIES: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual health.
If you want to save your marriage, go to Marriage Helper. If you want to master yourself and lead your legacy, stay here.
New episodes every Tuesday.
Don't just exist. Show up.
đź”— Website: https://kimberlybeamholmes.com
🎥YouTube https://youtube.com/@kimberlybeamholmes
📱 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kimberlybeamholmes
đź‘€ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kimberlybeamholmes
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (01:28):
A lot's happened in the last year.
Since the last time we spoke,you saw me, I didn't see you.
The last time that I posted onhere, and I would love to fill
you in on it.
Here's the first thing thathappened.
I finished my PhD.
I can't begin to tell you howmuch of an achievement this is.
My friend gave me this mug.
(01:49):
It's Doctor, actually.
Now I am officially Dr.
Kimberly Beam Holmes, and here'sthe thing: I don't know that
that actually makes me anysmarter, but it definitely makes
me a bit crazier.
It's really a degree ofpersistence.
And there was a ton of thingsthat I learned in that process
and through the research that Idid that has influenced what I'm
(02:12):
gonna share with you today andactually the reason that I'm
back.
Which brings me to number two.
About a year ago, I paused mypodcast, the It Starts with
Attraction podcast.
And it was honestly anincredibly hard decision.
But I was at a time and place atthat point in my life where I
didn't see the vision for whatto keep doing with it and how to
(02:35):
keep moving forward.
So we took a break.
But over the past year, I havehad a renewed vision, a renewed
sense of energy, and a renewedunderstanding, honestly, of all
things pies.
Now, if this is the first timethat you're watching this, you
may be saying, pies, what doesthat even mean?
Pies has been the acronym that Ihave used for the past several
(02:57):
years to describe how people canbe the most attractive that they
can be in four areas: physically, intellectually, (03:01):
undefined
emotionally, and spiritually.
But here's the thing that I havereally come to have a better
understanding of, especiallyover the past year, and it's two
or threefold.
The first part is thatattraction, that word, holds a
(03:21):
certain connotation.
Typically, when people think ofattraction, they think of a
romantic type of way you need tolook, neat way you need to be,
in order to attract someone thatyou will date or that you will
marry.
It has, like I said, thatromantic feel to it.
But that's not what I reallymean when I've been talking
(03:43):
about attraction.
Pies overall is the fourdifferent areas of our life that
we have control of and that wecan influence the way that we
show up by focusing on thesefour areas.
So the more that I thought aboutit, the more I thought it's not
just about attraction.
It's about, in some ways,attraction, yes, but not just in
(04:05):
romantic relationships.
It's more so about influence andinfluencing the way that we show
up in every area of our lives.
I mean, think about it.
Who doesn't want to be moreconfident, more calm, have more
clarity on what they need to doand what they want to do with
their future, have more clarityon the ways that they can work
(04:28):
on themselves in order for themto be the best that they can be.
And I know there's a lot ofpeople out there who have talked
about this in the self-helpspace and in the personal
development space.
And honestly, there's somereally good stuff out there.
And honestly, there's some stuffout there that I think is
incredibly misleading and cankeep people stuck on this
hamster wheel of feeling likethey're never good enough and
(04:50):
they have to keep doing so manydifferent things in order for
them to feel good aboutthemselves.
I'm going to break down some ofthose myths the further into
this video that we go.
But overall, what I have becomeincredibly passionate and
invigorated by is this conceptof continuing to learn more and
(05:11):
more about the science ofattraction and influence.
Now, I understand influence mayalso be one of those words that
has a good and a bad feeling toit.
People can influence you ingreat ways, but there's also
people who use influence andturn it into manipulation.
That's not what we want.
(05:32):
I want you to think when youhear the word influence about
being asked the question (05:35):
who has been the most influential
person in your life?
Now, yes, sometimes we cananswer that question and say,
well, it was someone who didsomething terrible to me because
it shifted my life in anunexpected way.
But more times than not, Ibelieve that when we think of
that question, we think ofsomeone who has had a positive
impact on our life.
(05:56):
Now, one of the things that Iknow and have learned in my
experience, even just inleadership, in running a company
and being a leader in differentareas of my life.
And one of the things I learnedfrom John Maxwell, who many of
you know as maybe the leadershipguru of the century, has been
that leadership is influence atits core.
(06:20):
It's your ability to care forsomeone, for them to know that
you care about them in such away that you influence their
life in a positive direction.
I believe that there are aspectsof our pies working on
ourselves, physically,intellectually, emotionally, and
spiritually, that don't justimpact us in the way we feel
about ourselves, but it impactsthe way that others will
(06:41):
ultimately feel about themselvestoo.
That's what I'm so excited todive in with you.
Finally, I want to share withyou today the updated science of
attraction and influence.
Here's the really cool thing,y'all.
One of the things that I havelearned, one of the many things
that I've learned over the pastyear, but honestly more, because
(07:03):
I've been a geek about allthings pies for probably more
than a decade, is that yes,there's an aspect of pies that
influences how attractive youare to another person.
So, like when you're in thedating world and you're trying
to attract someone, yes, piesare helpful there.
But as I said before, it's alsoeven more encompassing in all of
the ways that you show up inwork, at home, in your marriage,
(07:29):
in your parenting.
The way you show up has animpact.
Now, for each area of the pies,I will call them pillars, the
pies pillars.
So physical is a pillar,intellectual is a pillar,
emotional is a pillar, andspiritual is a pillar.
There are four inputs.
Inputs are the things that youand I have control over.
(07:51):
They are the things that we canpour into, or maybe sometimes if
we don't do, we'll see thenegative effect of not working
on those inputs.
But they are the things that wecan control that actually make a
difference in the way otherpeople see us, the way other
people experience us, the way weshow up in all of these areas of
(08:13):
our lives.
And so that's what I want todive into on today's video.
So when we think about the pies,like I said, each one is a
pillar.
We're gonna start with the firstone, which is physical.
Now, a lot of times when peoplethink about physical, again,
they think of how they look,what size they are, whether they
want to be skinnier or whethersometimes they want to be
bigger.
Men tend to want to be moremuscular, women tend to want to
(08:36):
be more skinny, right?
And that actually aligns withthe research out there.
And part of what I did my PhDresearch in was that part of
body esteem.
And there are those differencesin men and women.
So a lot of times when you thinkabout physical, we think, oh,
it's all about how I look.
There is a part of it, yes, thatis about how you look.
(08:57):
But the more you focus on howyou look, it goes back to this
hamster wheel mentality.
It goes back to you're alwaysgoing to have to be thinking
about your next diet, your nextworkout plan, the way that you
want to change yourself.
Maybe if you even decide to goon medicines or get different
surgeries in order for you tolook a certain way.
(09:18):
And ultimately, you're nevergoing to be happy with yourself.
You're never truly going to havesustained confidence in who you
are and how you show up, themore you just focus on how you
look.
And so the four inputs that I'mgoing to talk about for physical
are as follows.
The first one, and I believethat it is truly the most
(09:41):
important one, is sleep.
This is your where everythingstarts physically.
If you don't get good sleep,then honestly, there comes a
point where your body, yourreaction time, the way that your
body processes its hormones andall of the things going on
within it, it begins to thinkthat you're a drunk person.
(10:05):
There was a study several yearsago, this was covered in Matthew
Walker's book about sleep, thatpeople who got four hours of
sleep or less a night the nextday, when they were tested for
reaction times, their reactiontimes, judgment, and all of
those things were similar tothat of a drunk driver.
That shows, along with manyother studies that there are out
(10:27):
there on sleep, that when wedon't get enough of it, our body
literally can't be healthy.
We start craving things in orderto just keep us awake.
Those things aren't always thehealthiest for us.
We then feel bad.
It makes us crave more of thosethings, those ultra-processed
foods, all high-fat foods, allof that.
And so sleep helps us regulate.
(10:47):
It helps us regulate our bodyand the systems that run inside
of our body, as well as help usto regulate our emotions.
I remember a time several yearsago, I was in Texas with my dad.
We were on a trip and he endedup getting food poisoning.
We didn't know it was foodpoisoning at the time.
We just know that he was supersick, something was wrong.
I ended up having to take him tothe ER.
(11:08):
He was having to speak the verynext morning.
We were at the ER midnight.
They ended up finding, they dida CT scan for some reason, and
in that ended up findingsomething wrong elsewhere in his
body that they couldn't fixthen, but they knew that he
would have to go back to hisdoctor and get that further
investigated.
Okay, why am I saying all ofthis?
(11:29):
That night I didn't get verymuch sleep.
And all the next day, there wasthis overwhelming sense of dread
and doom and fear and anxiety.
Mainly because of my dad'sdiagnosis and the things that
they had said at the ER, butalso because I literally didn't
have the ability to emotionallyregulate due to my lack of
(11:50):
sleep.
That next night, I got a goodeight hours.
And while I was still concernedabout my dad the next day, I was
able to handle it in a muchbetter way.
It impacted the way I showed up.
Sleep is important.
You should get a minimum,minimum minimum of six hours a
night, ideally somewhere betweenseven and nine.
The second pillar for physicalattraction is nutrition and
(12:14):
hydration, honestly.
It's what you eat, it's how youfuel your body.
And I'm not here to be thepolice of eating all things
healthy, all things whole foods,all things organic, but clearly
there are vitamins, minerals,and nutrients, both
macronutrients, which are thecarbs, the protein, and the
(12:36):
fats, as well as micronutrients,which are our vitamin A, K, E,
minerals, magnesium, calcium,all of those things in the foods
that we eat.
Now, there is a lack of that,those essential macro and micro
and micronutrients in superprocessed foods, which is why
it's so important to eat thingsof multiple colors that come
(12:58):
straight from the ground.
So things such as those leafygreens, colorful foods, fruits
and vegetables, as well asmeats, protein, fish, as well as
beans, rice, starchy carbs thatare also healthy, potatoes,
sweet potatoes, all of thosethings are gonna fuel your body
and you're ultimately going toend up feeling better.
(13:20):
We all know that.
We just know that it's also hardto do.
I'm not saying you have to dothis 100% of the time.
I think a great rule to thinkabout is doing an 80-20.
80% of the time, if you can eata healthy meal and 20% of the
time, indulge.
It'll help you stay more ontrack with eating healthy.
The third input that we look atfor physical is movement.
(13:43):
Honestly, this one is probablymy favorite.
Super close to sleep.
I also really love my sleep.
But movement, you've all seenthat arthritis commercial, a
body in motion, stays in motion.
It's true.
The more we move, the more wework on our muscle and our
muscle tone and our aerobiccapacity, basically, all that to
(14:06):
say the more resistance orstrength training that we do
helps us to actually buildmuscle.
Why is muscle important?
Not just because of how we look,although a lot of people want to
have a toned-looking body, andthere's nothing wrong with that.
But as we age, the muscle andthe muscle mass that we have on
our bodies helps us to behealthier as we age.
(14:27):
It helps us to be able tocontinue to carry our own
luggage, carry groceries in fromthe car when we get into our 70s
and 80s.
It helps us to continue to havebalance so we don't fall and
break something.
And the more muscle capacitythat you gain, the younger that
you are, the more likely you areto be able to maintain that as
you age.
Starting at 40, I'm gettingclose.
(14:49):
Starting at 40, you begin tolose muscle mass.
And so it's even more importantthat you focus on that strength
training.
However, aerobic capacity,cardio, no one likes it,
everyone hates it, but it's soimportant for us, for our heart
health and for us to ward offatherosclerosis and
cardiovascular disease as we getolder.
(15:10):
And it's going to help us beable to meet the demands of our
life even better.
I have a friend who severalyears ago she got pregnant and
she got pregnant in her late30s, which is a geriatric
pregnancy, which is soundsterrible, but she was a
crossfitter way before that.
She was used to high capacity,high interval, high heart rate
(15:33):
being really demanding or havingreally demanding situations put
on her body.
And when she went into laborwith her daughter, she ended up
actually having something reallyterrible happen to her.
She ended up pretty much passingout, but she ended up making it
through.
And the doctors and nurses toldher it's because you were in
such good shape.
(15:53):
Your heart was able to handlethe demand of this.
Movement is important, not onlybecause it helps us stay agile
and flexible and it protects usagainst things that can happen
as we age, but also because weultimately end up feeling more
confident in ourselves the morewe move and the more we feel
capable in our body.
The fourth pillar that we lookat under physical attraction is
(16:15):
rest.
You may be thinking, but that'ssleep.
It's not sleep.
Rest is incredibly differentthan sleep.
You still need to get your sevento nine hours of sleep, but also
how are you intentionallyfinding time to rest?
To not be producing, to not bedoing, to not be getting
(16:36):
everything done off of yourto-do list around the house, but
to actually just rest.
To find something you enjoydoing that's going to refuel you
and refill you and rejuvenateyou.
These are the four inputs.
These are the things that we cancontrol when it comes to our
physical health.
And here's what happens (16:55):
when we focus on these things, we end up
showing up differently.
When we walk into a room, we'regoing to feel more confident
because we feel better, becausewe're fueling ourselves right
with what we eat, because we'removing and we feel more
confident and comfortable in ourown skin.
Other people, when you walk intoa room, are going to notice.
(17:19):
Wouldn't that be great?
If you could enter in a room andnot just be the center of
attention, that's not what thisis about, but for people to
actually notice your presence,it makes a difference.
When we can have an embodiedconfidence, when we walk into a
room, people think, hmm, thisperson is able to do things.
(17:42):
This person has input that I maywant to hear.
And it's all just because, notjust how you look, it's not
about a size that you are, it'sabout a confidence you bring
with you when you walk into aspace.
That is the output overall ofphysical attraction and physical
influence.
It's important.
(18:03):
Now, the next pillar we're goingto focus on is intellectual
attraction.
For intellectual, the firstinput that we can focus on is
curiosity and openness.
This is a question mark, notbecause I'm saying I'm
questioning that, but I'mputting the question marks
because it's all about having aquestioning mindset.
(18:25):
Not a devil's advocate trying tocatch someone else's mindset.
But when you disagree withsomeone, instead of saying, How
could you be such an idiot?
It's more so asking, can youtell me more about that?
When someone sees somethingdifferently than you, when your
daughter makes a decision thatyou think is absolutely insane,
instead of just diving rightinto how could you think
(18:47):
something like that?
What in the world?
It's opening a question, it'sstarting a conversation.
Tell me more about how or whyyou think that way.
People who have higher levels ofcuriosity and openness in the
communication that they havewith other people, they end up
actually having overall betterself-esteem and levels of self
(19:10):
of uh overall satisfaction withlife scores are higher.
And we also know that thesepeople tend to have better, like
not just relationships, butopportunities given to them in
their life.
Because when you are curious andopen, you start conversations,
you don't push other peopleaway.
The second pillar forintellectual attraction is
(19:31):
humility.
Intellectual humilityspecifically.
You've all been to a party, andthere's the person who just
knows everything.
They're always right, theyalways want to be right.
If you try and tell them they'rewrong, you're gonna end up
getting into a never-endingconversation about how you're
the one who's actually wrong.
(19:52):
We we all unfortunately knowthose people.
That's what you would call anintellectually arrogant person
who has absolutely no humility.
But when someone has a mindset,yes, of curiosity and openness,
like we said before, but this iseven deeper.
It's someone who's willing tosay, I don't have all the
answers, and I am okay withthat.
(20:14):
It's a mindset of a perpetuallearner, a perpetual student,
that anyone could have somethingto teach me, and I don't have to
be right about everything.
That is what intellectualhumility is.
If you cringed a little when youheard me say you don't have to
be right about everything, andyou thought, yes, I do, this may
(20:34):
be a huge opportunity for you todo more of.
This may be an important inputfor you.
The third input underintellectual is critical
thinking and perspective taking.
Sometimes we can be so curiousand so open-minded that we lose
(20:58):
the ability to actually make adecision or decide which way we
want to believe about somethingfor ourselves.
Everything we hear, weentertain.
It's kind of like that saying,maybe you've heard this isn't
exactly how it's said, but don'tbe so open-minded that your
brain falls out of your head.
It's that kind of idea here.
We also need to critically thinkabout things and not just accept
(21:20):
everything we hear as gospeltruth.
Believe it or not, everythingyou read on the internet isn't
true.
This is where critical thinkingand wisdom comes in.
And this is even more importantin the age of AI.
Not accepting everything thatJim and I, Chat GPT, whichever
one you listen to, or eventhings you see posted by real
people, which are now just beinggiven to you by AI, and it lacks
(21:43):
critical thinking.
Everything's starting to justsound the same.
I won't get on that soapbox.
The other part we need to thinkabout, though, is also
perspective taking.
How can you put yourself intoanother person's shoes to try
and see things from their pointof view?
I have a friend named TJ, andshe is the director of this
amazing organization in theNashville area that helps people
(22:05):
who are in underprivilegedsituations to be able to have
better opportunities in theirlife.
And there was one 17-year-oldboy that she was telling me
about one time, and he said, thehardest thing for me is when,
and he was a black man, and hesaid, The hardest thing for me
(22:25):
is when I am walking down thestreet and I see a white woman,
she sees me approaching and shemoves her purse from one side of
her body, the one that I willpass by closest to, to the other
because I know she thinks acertain way about me.
Man, like hearing that from him,it's so heartbreaking.
And it even allowed me from thatpoint forward to be so mindful
(22:48):
of when I'm walking in or out ofa grocery store.
Am I just looking at someone,thinking about them a certain
way, and doing something inorder to try and protect myself,
which is not always a bad thing.
But how might it make this otherperson feel when they feel just
totally stereotyped?
This is what perspective takinghelps us to do.
(23:09):
It helps us to see the worlddifferently so that we can maybe
understand how we show up alittle bit differently.
And then the fourth input underintellectual is purposeful
learning.
Purposeful.
It's not getting on Instagramand on Facebook or just
scrolling, it's not justdigesting.
Any piece of content that comesin front of you.
(23:30):
It's being purposeful about whatis it that I want to learn, what
is it that I want to do, what isit that I want to know, and how
can I curate the content that Isee and engage with and let come
into my mind in a veryintentional way that is
purposeful and helps me tobecome better.
(23:54):
Curating content, curating yoursocial media, being intentional
about what goes into your mind,of course, is going to impact
what comes out of your mouth.
So when we think about theoutput for intellectual
attraction, overall, it is aboutpeople being interested in what
you have to say.
(24:15):
Are they gonna lean in when youspeak?
Do they believe that you aregonna have good judgment?
Are you going to bring wisdom tothe table?
Are they going to want to listento you?
And there's two major ways thatpeople begin to uh struggle with
this.
The first one is the person Italked about earlier who just
takes over conversations, who ithas to be their way or the
(24:38):
highway.
That's the person that in manyways people may do what they
want, what that person says todo, but they'll resent it.
They're not going to really everwant to hear what that person
has to say because that personsays all they have to say all
day long.
Now, on the other side of this,there is the person who is timid
about speaking up.
(24:58):
They have great things to say,but they have not been confident
in the way that they speak, inhow they show up.
And so people overlook them.
You may be one of these two,maybe you're in the middle, but
this is your opportunity andunderstanding when you do these
things, it can give you theconfidence to speak up in a way
that people will listen.
(25:19):
And it affects the way that youshow up.
The third part of attraction andinfluence is emotional.
Many people's favorite becausemany people didn't even know it
was a part of attraction orinfluence.
Emotional attraction andinfluence is all about the way
that you make other people feel,and it's about having the
confidence to know that when youare there for other people, that
(25:42):
they are going to turn to you,that you're going to be the kind
of person people want to go towhen times get hard.
There are four ways, four inputsthat we put into here as well.
The first one is emotionalawareness.
You may think this is a bitcrazy, but it's literally the
(26:02):
ability to name your feelings.
It's crazy to me.
I'm I will admit, self-admit,that maybe I'm a little too
heavy on like being able to namemy feelings.
I am a pretty emotional person,and I have to I have to kind of
do the opposite where I don'tthink about my feelings so much
because I can think about themtoo much and they can kind of
(26:24):
take over.
But some people are the oppositeof me.
My husband, in some ways, can bethe opposite of me, especially
when we first got married.
He was in the military, verymilitaristic mindset.
We don't have feelings.
Feelings are for pansies,feelings are for wimps, right?
That's the mindset that somepeople have grown up with or
were in a job or type of workwhere feelings weren't allowed.
(26:47):
Now, how do you think that showsup in relationships, at future
work, at home, in other types ofrelationships in your life?
If you aren't able to identifyand name the feelings that you
have, do you think you're goingto be able to understand and be
there for other people when theytry and share their feelings
with you?
(27:07):
No, you're not.
And I'll dive more into that ina minute.
So emotional awareness, beingable to know and name your own
feelings.
The second one isself-regulation.
So this is your ability to notonly know your feelings, but to
calm yourself down so that yourfeelings won't take over.
(27:28):
This feeling could be anger.
You get so angry that you justwant to lash out at everyone.
You're irritable every way youshow up.
This feeling could be fear.
You're just so nervous, soanxious, so overwhelmed at what
could possibly happen that youdon't do anything.
Of course, there's a variety offeelings, but it's the ability
(27:49):
to self-regulate and not letyour feelings control you.
That is the point here.
The third input for emotionalattraction is attuned
understanding.
Really, this is all aboutempathy.
When someone turns towards you,when your son comes home at the
end of a day of school andsomeone just made fun of him on
(28:10):
the bus and he's heartbrokenabout it.
When he comes to you and says,This terrible thing happened and
I'm so upset, are you gonna say,eh, that other kid was just
being a jerk?
Don't even listen to him.
You think you're being there foryour son, but in reality, you
just brushed him off.
He doesn't feel any better afterthe end of you saying that.
(28:30):
What he's wanting is for you toturn towards him, to have
empathy.
I'm so sorry that that justhappened.
Tell me how you feel.
To help him process hisemotions, to be there for him,
and to let him know that you arethere for him no matter what.
That's a tuned understanding.
And then finally is groundedidentity.
(28:54):
Grounded identity is all aboutself-differentiation.
It's where you're able to haveyour emotions, you're able to
sit with someone else in theiremotions, but not let their
emotions consume you, and alsonot try and let your emotions
consume someone else.
You hear this a lot, uh, andmaybe one of the best ways I can
(29:15):
describe it is when it comes towhen divorce happens in
families.
So sometimes a parent will tryand triangulate their child.
They will try and get theirchild to see the divorce their
way and get the child on theirside.
That is a negative way where weare trying to consume another
person with our emotions andmake them see things our way.
(29:37):
That's when we're trying to uhthat's it, that's when
self-differentiation, like we'rewe're trying to control another
person to agree with us.
But then on the other side ofit, it is when you are so
overwhelmed with your ownemotions.
But then the other side of it iswhen there's another person who
is just so emotionally unevenand unkiltered, and you are
(30:00):
drawn in.
You try and fix everything forthem in order for them to be
happy.
Neither of those are healthy.
So what we want to focus on ishaving a grounded identity.
I can be the stable person evenwhen the people around me are
struggling.
I'm still gonna show up for themand show them I care, but I'm
not gonna let the wave of theiremotion sweep me under.
(30:22):
Now, the output of this is thatpeople feel like you care, but
you're able to care because it'scoming from a place of inner
peace and inner strength,because you are emotionally
healthy.
When you focus on these inputsof emotional attraction and
influence, you feel moreconfident to be a good friend, a
(30:44):
good wife, a good husband, agood coworker for someone who
needs a shoulder to cry on, abetter leader and being able to
lead a team that you leadbecause you are emotionally
grounded first, but they willfeel that.
If you're anxious, the peoplearound you will be anxious.
If you're angry, the peoplearound you will want to be away
(31:04):
from you.
But if you're grounded and ableto control your emotions, people
will trust you.
This leads us to the final areaof attraction, which is
spiritual.
The first of these is soulcalibration.
Soul calibration is all aboutprayer and inner stillness.
(31:28):
It's the ability for you to findtime away from the craziness,
from the noise, from theexpectations that people have of
you in your life, and find thattime to be still.
If you're a person of faith,it's the importance of prayer,
the importance of talking withGod, of hearing from God in a
way that will still you and calmyou like nothing else can.
(31:52):
It's also, if you're a person offaith, it is reading the Bible,
reading scripture, having thatgrounded belief in something
bigger than yourself that guidesyour daily actions.
This is what gives us life.
It's what gives us purpose, it'swhat gives us focus, and it's an
important part of spiritualattraction and influence.
(32:13):
The second input here is moraldirection.
You've got to stand forsomething or you'll fall for
anything.
That's definitely an old countrysong, but I bet that's an adage
that's been around for forever.
It's attractive to be a personwho has beliefs and values,
especially in a world right nowthat's so scared of doing or
(32:36):
saying the wrong thing that youdon't know what anyone really
thinks or believes anymore.
Now, you don't do this in a wayto push other people away or to
be divisive.
I am definitely not a fan ofthat, but it's important to have
strong beliefs and values.
Your beliefs and values are thefilters that help you make
decisions and hopefully help youlive a life of integrity where
(32:58):
you're willing to do the rightthing even when it's the hardest
thing to do.
That's attractive.
And when people see that in you,they see character.
They see that you're the kind ofperson willing to do what's
hard, willing to do what isagainst society or culture.
But guess what?
People trust that.
The third input is caring forothers.
(33:20):
We can get so focused onourselves, how we look, how
we're showing up, that it canbecome too much about us.
That's not the goal.
The goal of our life is not justto take everything in and soak
it in for us, it's to pour outfor others, to make a difference
in the world.
So caring for others is a hugefocus and important input for
(33:43):
spiritual attraction.
It's the way that you live outyour beliefs and values in
showing your love for otherpeople.
The fourth input is forgivenessand grace.
When you are unable to forgiveyourself for things that you've
done in your past, when you'reunable to forgive other people
(34:05):
for things that they've done toyou, you harbor that.
It turns into resentment.
When people are unable andunwilling to forgive, the
research even tells us that itaffects their mental health.
They're more likely to bedepressed, they're more likely
to get sick more often.
There's an actual physicalimpact on not forgiving and not
(34:28):
accepting or giving grace topeople, especially when it's
undeserved.
Of course, as a Christian, I seethis as so fundamental because I
know that I have been forgivenonly because the ultimate
forgiveness has been given to mebased on Jesus and based on him
forgiving all sins, mine andyours, and for him to extend
(34:52):
grace, unmerited favor that Icould never earn or deserve.
But when I have that, that isthe launch pad, that is the
catalyst for me of how I canultimately give that to others.
There's people I don't want toforgive, but I always remember,
not always, I should remember itmore, but I do consistently
(35:16):
remember the story in scripturewhere Jesus' disciples ask him,
How many times should I forgivethis person?
And Jesus says, 70 times seven,which doesn't literally mean
490.
It means as many times as youhave to.
Now, when you focus on theseinputs, it's going to help you
(35:36):
be more confident in the waythat you live out your beliefs
and values in the world aroundyou.
You're going to have more of aninternal propulsion to go out,
to serve, to tell others aboutthe things that you believe,
maybe even share your faith, togo and do things that will make
an actual difference in theworld because you believe that
that's what needs to happen.
(35:57):
If you want to make the world abetter place, it has to start
with you.
I love Mother Teresa's quotewhere she said, let no one leave
you until they are better thanwhen they came.
And I believe that we all have aresponsibility here on this
earth in the relationships thatwe have with others, in the
needs that we see outside insociety, whether that be
(36:19):
globally or locally, that maybewe are the ones who are supposed
to help meet those needs andactually do something meaningful
with our lives.
Now, here's the really coolthing.
You've learned all the inputs,you've learned a little bit
about the overarching theme ofeach output.
There's actually severaldifferent ways that these that
(36:40):
the way you show up looks ineach different pillar.
I don't have time to get in thatinto that today, but ultimately
there's a really cool way youcan begin to see this for
yourself.
I, as you know, am a researcher.
I geek out on tons of things.
And one of the cool things thatuh our team did was actually
made a way for people to be ableto see on a high level their
(37:03):
scores of their inputs, how wellthey're doing in each area of
their pies versus their outputs.
How are other people seeing theway that they show up?
And so we have this cool graphwhere uh if you look at it this
way, there's the P, there's theE, there's I E S, right?
Um, these are inputs on a scaleof one to seven.
(37:25):
And so someone could see, ohman, my physical input is ended
up only being a two, and myphysical output ended being a
five.
And they can do that with eacharea of this, and it just gives
you insight to be able to seewhere where you are.
There's so much more to go indepth in that in terms of if
(37:47):
like what your scores mean andwhat they tell me and what they
can tell you about where yourfoundation is actually broken,
and that's something that youreally need to focus on right
now.
It also tells you in which areasyou are most at risk for
burnout.
If there's an area that youroutput is way higher than your
input, then you're at risk forburnout in that area.
(38:08):
On the flip side, if your inputis really high in a given area,
but your output is really low,that shows that you have a
really amazing potential toincrease your capacity in that
area.
That's your biggest area forgrowth to really change the way
that you show up in your lifefor others.
So if you want to see that, it'sa free assessment.
(38:29):
It's just eight questions.
It's super high level.
It doesn't get as in-depth assome of the other assessments
that I've created isspecifically for this, but in a
super high-level way, you'll beable to see your inputs, your
outputs, the gap, the focus thatyou need to have completely
free.
Either click the link on thescreen or it'll be in the show
notes below.
As you can see, I am superexcited about this updated
(38:52):
science of attraction andinfluence and the relaunch of
the podcast and the YouTubechannel, where we're gonna be
talking about the way you showup.
So be sure that you, if you're apodcast person, go and follow
the podcast, The Way You ShowUp, with Kimberly Doctor,
Kimberly Beam Holmes, uh, aswell as subscribe to the YouTube
(39:13):
channel.
I'm gonna be posting everysingle week.
Of course, if you want that freeassessment, you'll also join the
email list when you get that,and I'll be sending out emails
every week as well.
I'm excited to go on thisjourney, and I'm really, really
excited for you to join me.
Until next time, stay strong.
A lot's happened in the last year.
Since the last time we spoke,you saw me, I didn't see you.
The last time that I posted onhere, and I would love to fill
you in on it.
Here's the first thing thathappened.
I finished my PhD.
I can't begin to tell you howmuch of an achievement this is.
My friend gave me this mug.
(01:49):
It's Doctor, actually.
Now I am officially Dr.
Kimberly Beam Holmes, and here'sthe thing: I don't know that
that actually makes me anysmarter, but it definitely makes
me a bit crazier.
It's really a degree ofpersistence.
And there was a ton of thingsthat I learned in that process
and through the research that Idid that has influenced what I'm
(02:12):
gonna share with you today andactually the reason that I'm
back.
Which brings me to number two.
About a year ago, I paused mypodcast, the It Starts with
Attraction podcast.
And it was honestly anincredibly hard decision.
But I was at a time and place atthat point in my life where I
didn't see the vision for whatto keep doing with it and how to
(02:35):
keep moving forward.
So we took a break.
But over the past year, I havehad a renewed vision, a renewed
sense of energy, and a renewedunderstanding, honestly, of all
things pies.
Now, if this is the first timethat you're watching this, you
may be saying, pies, what doesthat even mean?
Pies has been the acronym that Ihave used for the past several
(02:57):
years to describe how people canbe the most attractive that they
can be in four areas: physically, intellectually, (03:01):
undefined
emotionally, and spiritually.
But here's the thing that I havereally come to have a better
understanding of, especiallyover the past year, and it's two
or threefold.
The first part is thatattraction, that word, holds a
(03:21):
certain connotation.
Typically, when people think ofattraction, they think of a
romantic type of way you need tolook, neat way you need to be,
in order to attract someone thatyou will date or that you will
marry.
It has, like I said, thatromantic feel to it.
But that's not what I reallymean when I've been talking
(03:43):
about attraction.
Pies overall is the fourdifferent areas of our life that
we have control of and that wecan influence the way that we
show up by focusing on thesefour areas.
So the more that I thought aboutit, the more I thought it's not
just about attraction.
It's about, in some ways,attraction, yes, but not just in
(04:05):
romantic relationships.
It's more so about influence andinfluencing the way that we show
up in every area of our lives.
I mean, think about it.
Who doesn't want to be moreconfident, more calm, have more
clarity on what they need to doand what they want to do with
their future, have more clarityon the ways that they can work
(04:28):
on themselves in order for themto be the best that they can be.
And I know there's a lot ofpeople out there who have talked
about this in the self-helpspace and in the personal
development space.
And honestly, there's somereally good stuff out there.
And honestly, there's some stuffout there that I think is
incredibly misleading and cankeep people stuck on this
hamster wheel of feeling likethey're never good enough and
(04:50):
they have to keep doing so manydifferent things in order for
them to feel good aboutthemselves.
I'm going to break down some ofthose myths the further into
this video that we go.
But overall, what I have becomeincredibly passionate and
invigorated by is this conceptof continuing to learn more and
(05:11):
more about the science ofattraction and influence.
Now, I understand influence mayalso be one of those words that
has a good and a bad feeling toit.
People can influence you ingreat ways, but there's also
people who use influence andturn it into manipulation.
That's not what we want.
(05:32):
I want you to think when youhear the word influence about
being asked the question (05:35):
who has been the most influential
person in your life?
Now, yes, sometimes we cananswer that question and say,
well, it was someone who didsomething terrible to me because
it shifted my life in anunexpected way.
But more times than not, Ibelieve that when we think of
that question, we think ofsomeone who has had a positive
impact on our life.
(05:56):
Now, one of the things that Iknow and have learned in my
experience, even just inleadership, in running a company
and being a leader in differentareas of my life.
And one of the things I learnedfrom John Maxwell, who many of
you know as maybe the leadershipguru of the century, has been
that leadership is influence atits core.
(06:20):
It's your ability to care forsomeone, for them to know that
you care about them in such away that you influence their
life in a positive direction.
I believe that there are aspectsof our pies working on
ourselves, physically,intellectually, emotionally, and
spiritually, that don't justimpact us in the way we feel
about ourselves, but it impactsthe way that others will
(06:41):
ultimately feel about themselvestoo.
That's what I'm so excited todive in with you.
Finally, I want to share withyou today the updated science of
attraction and influence.
Here's the really cool thing,y'all.
One of the things that I havelearned, one of the many things
that I've learned over the pastyear, but honestly more, because
(07:03):
I've been a geek about allthings pies for probably more
than a decade, is that yes,there's an aspect of pies that
influences how attractive youare to another person.
So, like when you're in thedating world and you're trying
to attract someone, yes, piesare helpful there.
But as I said before, it's alsoeven more encompassing in all of
the ways that you show up inwork, at home, in your marriage,
(07:29):
in your parenting.
The way you show up has animpact.
Now, for each area of the pies,I will call them pillars, the
pies pillars.
So physical is a pillar,intellectual is a pillar,
emotional is a pillar, andspiritual is a pillar.
There are four inputs.
Inputs are the things that youand I have control over.
(07:51):
They are the things that we canpour into, or maybe sometimes if
we don't do, we'll see thenegative effect of not working
on those inputs.
But they are the things that wecan control that actually make a
difference in the way otherpeople see us, the way other
people experience us, the way weshow up in all of these areas of
(08:13):
our lives.
And so that's what I want todive into on today's video.
So when we think about the pies,like I said, each one is a
pillar.
We're gonna start with the firstone, which is physical.
Now, a lot of times when peoplethink about physical, again,
they think of how they look,what size they are, whether they
want to be skinnier or whethersometimes they want to be
bigger.
Men tend to want to be moremuscular, women tend to want to
(08:36):
be more skinny, right?
And that actually aligns withthe research out there.
And part of what I did my PhDresearch in was that part of
body esteem.
And there are those differencesin men and women.
So a lot of times when you thinkabout physical, we think, oh,
it's all about how I look.
There is a part of it, yes, thatis about how you look.
(08:57):
But the more you focus on howyou look, it goes back to this
hamster wheel mentality.
It goes back to you're alwaysgoing to have to be thinking
about your next diet, your nextworkout plan, the way that you
want to change yourself.
Maybe if you even decide to goon medicines or get different
surgeries in order for you tolook a certain way.
(09:18):
And ultimately, you're nevergoing to be happy with yourself.
You're never truly going to havesustained confidence in who you
are and how you show up, themore you just focus on how you
look.
And so the four inputs that I'mgoing to talk about for physical
are as follows.
The first one, and I believethat it is truly the most
(09:41):
important one, is sleep.
This is your where everythingstarts physically.
If you don't get good sleep,then honestly, there comes a
point where your body, yourreaction time, the way that your
body processes its hormones andall of the things going on
within it, it begins to thinkthat you're a drunk person.
(10:05):
There was a study several yearsago, this was covered in Matthew
Walker's book about sleep, thatpeople who got four hours of
sleep or less a night the nextday, when they were tested for
reaction times, their reactiontimes, judgment, and all of
those things were similar tothat of a drunk driver.
That shows, along with manyother studies that there are out
(10:27):
there on sleep, that when wedon't get enough of it, our body
literally can't be healthy.
We start craving things in orderto just keep us awake.
Those things aren't always thehealthiest for us.
We then feel bad.
It makes us crave more of thosethings, those ultra-processed
foods, all high-fat foods, allof that.
And so sleep helps us regulate.
(10:47):
It helps us regulate our bodyand the systems that run inside
of our body, as well as help usto regulate our emotions.
I remember a time several yearsago, I was in Texas with my dad.
We were on a trip and he endedup getting food poisoning.
We didn't know it was foodpoisoning at the time.
We just know that he was supersick, something was wrong.
I ended up having to take him tothe ER.
(11:08):
He was having to speak the verynext morning.
We were at the ER midnight.
They ended up finding, they dida CT scan for some reason, and
in that ended up findingsomething wrong elsewhere in his
body that they couldn't fixthen, but they knew that he
would have to go back to hisdoctor and get that further
investigated.
Okay, why am I saying all ofthis?
(11:29):
That night I didn't get verymuch sleep.
And all the next day, there wasthis overwhelming sense of dread
and doom and fear and anxiety.
Mainly because of my dad'sdiagnosis and the things that
they had said at the ER, butalso because I literally didn't
have the ability to emotionallyregulate due to my lack of
(11:50):
sleep.
That next night, I got a goodeight hours.
And while I was still concernedabout my dad the next day, I was
able to handle it in a muchbetter way.
It impacted the way I showed up.
Sleep is important.
You should get a minimum,minimum minimum of six hours a
night, ideally somewhere betweenseven and nine.
The second pillar for physicalattraction is nutrition and
(12:14):
hydration, honestly.
It's what you eat, it's how youfuel your body.
And I'm not here to be thepolice of eating all things
healthy, all things whole foods,all things organic, but clearly
there are vitamins, minerals,and nutrients, both
macronutrients, which are thecarbs, the protein, and the
(12:36):
fats, as well as micronutrients,which are our vitamin A, K, E,
minerals, magnesium, calcium,all of those things in the foods
that we eat.
Now, there is a lack of that,those essential macro and micro
and micronutrients in superprocessed foods, which is why
it's so important to eat thingsof multiple colors that come
(12:58):
straight from the ground.
So things such as those leafygreens, colorful foods, fruits
and vegetables, as well asmeats, protein, fish, as well as
beans, rice, starchy carbs thatare also healthy, potatoes,
sweet potatoes, all of thosethings are gonna fuel your body
and you're ultimately going toend up feeling better.
(13:20):
We all know that.
We just know that it's also hardto do.
I'm not saying you have to dothis 100% of the time.
I think a great rule to thinkabout is doing an 80-20.
80% of the time, if you can eata healthy meal and 20% of the
time, indulge.
It'll help you stay more ontrack with eating healthy.
The third input that we look atfor physical is movement.
(13:43):
Honestly, this one is probablymy favorite.
Super close to sleep.
I also really love my sleep.
But movement, you've all seenthat arthritis commercial, a
body in motion, stays in motion.
It's true.
The more we move, the more wework on our muscle and our
muscle tone and our aerobiccapacity, basically, all that to
(14:06):
say the more resistance orstrength training that we do
helps us to actually buildmuscle.
Why is muscle important?
Not just because of how we look,although a lot of people want to
have a toned-looking body, andthere's nothing wrong with that.
But as we age, the muscle andthe muscle mass that we have on
our bodies helps us to behealthier as we age.
(14:27):
It helps us to be able tocontinue to carry our own
luggage, carry groceries in fromthe car when we get into our 70s
and 80s.
It helps us to continue to havebalance so we don't fall and
break something.
And the more muscle capacitythat you gain, the younger that
you are, the more likely you areto be able to maintain that as
you age.
Starting at 40, I'm gettingclose.
(14:49):
Starting at 40, you begin tolose muscle mass.
And so it's even more importantthat you focus on that strength
training.
However, aerobic capacity,cardio, no one likes it,
everyone hates it, but it's soimportant for us, for our heart
health and for us to ward offatherosclerosis and
cardiovascular disease as we getolder.
(15:10):
And it's going to help us beable to meet the demands of our
life even better.
I have a friend who severalyears ago she got pregnant and
she got pregnant in her late30s, which is a geriatric
pregnancy, which is soundsterrible, but she was a
crossfitter way before that.
She was used to high capacity,high interval, high heart rate
(15:33):
being really demanding or havingreally demanding situations put
on her body.
And when she went into laborwith her daughter, she ended up
actually having something reallyterrible happen to her.
She ended up pretty much passingout, but she ended up making it
through.
And the doctors and nurses toldher it's because you were in
such good shape.
(15:53):
Your heart was able to handlethe demand of this.
Movement is important, not onlybecause it helps us stay agile
and flexible and it protects usagainst things that can happen
as we age, but also because weultimately end up feeling more
confident in ourselves the morewe move and the more we feel
capable in our body.
The fourth pillar that we lookat under physical attraction is
(16:15):
rest.
You may be thinking, but that'ssleep.
It's not sleep.
Rest is incredibly differentthan sleep.
You still need to get your sevento nine hours of sleep, but also
how are you intentionallyfinding time to rest?
To not be producing, to not bedoing, to not be getting
(16:36):
everything done off of yourto-do list around the house, but
to actually just rest.
To find something you enjoydoing that's going to refuel you
and refill you and rejuvenateyou.
These are the four inputs.
These are the things that we cancontrol when it comes to our
physical health.
And here's what happens (16:55):
when we focus on these things, we end up
showing up differently.
When we walk into a room, we'regoing to feel more confident
because we feel better, becausewe're fueling ourselves right
with what we eat, because we'removing and we feel more
confident and comfortable in ourown skin.
Other people, when you walk intoa room, are going to notice.
(17:19):
Wouldn't that be great?
If you could enter in a room andnot just be the center of
attention, that's not what thisis about, but for people to
actually notice your presence,it makes a difference.
When we can have an embodiedconfidence, when we walk into a
room, people think, hmm, thisperson is able to do things.
(17:42):
This person has input that I maywant to hear.
And it's all just because, notjust how you look, it's not
about a size that you are, it'sabout a confidence you bring
with you when you walk into aspace.
That is the output overall ofphysical attraction and physical
influence.
It's important.
(18:03):
Now, the next pillar we're goingto focus on is intellectual
attraction.
For intellectual, the firstinput that we can focus on is
curiosity and openness.
This is a question mark, notbecause I'm saying I'm
questioning that, but I'mputting the question marks
because it's all about having aquestioning mindset.
(18:25):
Not a devil's advocate trying tocatch someone else's mindset.
But when you disagree withsomeone, instead of saying, How
could you be such an idiot?
It's more so asking, can youtell me more about that?
When someone sees somethingdifferently than you, when your
daughter makes a decision thatyou think is absolutely insane,
instead of just diving rightinto how could you think
(18:47):
something like that?
What in the world?
It's opening a question, it'sstarting a conversation.
Tell me more about how or whyyou think that way.
People who have higher levels ofcuriosity and openness in the
communication that they havewith other people, they end up
actually having overall betterself-esteem and levels of self
(19:10):
of uh overall satisfaction withlife scores are higher.
And we also know that thesepeople tend to have better, like
not just relationships, butopportunities given to them in
their life.
Because when you are curious andopen, you start conversations,
you don't push other peopleaway.
The second pillar forintellectual attraction is
(19:31):
humility.
Intellectual humilityspecifically.
You've all been to a party, andthere's the person who just
knows everything.
They're always right, theyalways want to be right.
If you try and tell them they'rewrong, you're gonna end up
getting into a never-endingconversation about how you're
the one who's actually wrong.
(19:52):
We we all unfortunately knowthose people.
That's what you would call anintellectually arrogant person
who has absolutely no humility.
But when someone has a mindset,yes, of curiosity and openness,
like we said before, but this iseven deeper.
It's someone who's willing tosay, I don't have all the
answers, and I am okay withthat.
(20:14):
It's a mindset of a perpetuallearner, a perpetual student,
that anyone could have somethingto teach me, and I don't have to
be right about everything.
That is what intellectualhumility is.
If you cringed a little when youheard me say you don't have to
be right about everything, andyou thought, yes, I do, this may
(20:34):
be a huge opportunity for you todo more of.
This may be an important inputfor you.
The third input underintellectual is critical
thinking and perspective taking.
Sometimes we can be so curiousand so open-minded that we lose
(20:58):
the ability to actually make adecision or decide which way we
want to believe about somethingfor ourselves.
Everything we hear, weentertain.
It's kind of like that saying,maybe you've heard this isn't
exactly how it's said, but don'tbe so open-minded that your
brain falls out of your head.
It's that kind of idea here.
We also need to critically thinkabout things and not just accept
(21:20):
everything we hear as gospeltruth.
Believe it or not, everythingyou read on the internet isn't
true.
This is where critical thinkingand wisdom comes in.
And this is even more importantin the age of AI.
Not accepting everything thatJim and I, Chat GPT, whichever
one you listen to, or eventhings you see posted by real
people, which are now just beinggiven to you by AI, and it lacks
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critical thinking.
Everything's starting to justsound the same.
I won't get on that soapbox.
The other part we need to thinkabout, though, is also
perspective taking.
How can you put yourself intoanother person's shoes to try
and see things from their pointof view?
I have a friend named TJ, andshe is the director of this
amazing organization in theNashville area that helps people
(22:05):
who are in underprivilegedsituations to be able to have
better opportunities in theirlife.
And there was one 17-year-oldboy that she was telling me
about one time, and he said, thehardest thing for me is when,
and he was a black man, and hesaid, The hardest thing for me
(22:25):
is when I am walking down thestreet and I see a white woman,
she sees me approaching and shemoves her purse from one side of
her body, the one that I willpass by closest to, to the other
because I know she thinks acertain way about me.
Man, like hearing that from him,it's so heartbreaking.
And it even allowed me from thatpoint forward to be so mindful
(22:48):
of when I'm walking in or out ofa grocery store.
Am I just looking at someone,thinking about them a certain
way, and doing something inorder to try and protect myself,
which is not always a bad thing.
But how might it make this otherperson feel when they feel just
totally stereotyped?
This is what perspective takinghelps us to do.
(23:09):
It helps us to see the worlddifferently so that we can maybe
understand how we show up alittle bit differently.
And then the fourth input underintellectual is purposeful
learning.
Purposeful.
It's not getting on Instagramand on Facebook or just
scrolling, it's not justdigesting.
Any piece of content that comesin front of you.
(23:30):
It's being purposeful about whatis it that I want to learn, what
is it that I want to do, what isit that I want to know, and how
can I curate the content that Isee and engage with and let come
into my mind in a veryintentional way that is
purposeful and helps me tobecome better.
(23:54):
Curating content, curating yoursocial media, being intentional
about what goes into your mind,of course, is going to impact
what comes out of your mouth.
So when we think about theoutput for intellectual
attraction, overall, it is aboutpeople being interested in what
you have to say.
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Are they gonna lean in when youspeak?
Do they believe that you aregonna have good judgment?
Are you going to bring wisdom tothe table?
Are they going to want to listento you?
And there's two major ways thatpeople begin to uh struggle with
this.
The first one is the person Italked about earlier who just
takes over conversations, who ithas to be their way or the
(24:38):
highway.
That's the person that in manyways people may do what they
want, what that person says todo, but they'll resent it.
They're not going to really everwant to hear what that person
has to say because that personsays all they have to say all
day long.
Now, on the other side of this,there is the person who is timid
about speaking up.
(24:58):
They have great things to say,but they have not been confident
in the way that they speak, inhow they show up.
And so people overlook them.
You may be one of these two,maybe you're in the middle, but
this is your opportunity andunderstanding when you do these
things, it can give you theconfidence to speak up in a way
that people will listen.
(25:19):
And it affects the way that youshow up.
The third part of attraction andinfluence is emotional.
Many people's favorite becausemany people didn't even know it
was a part of attraction orinfluence.
Emotional attraction andinfluence is all about the way
that you make other people feel,and it's about having the
confidence to know that when youare there for other people, that
(25:42):
they are going to turn to you,that you're going to be the kind
of person people want to go towhen times get hard.
There are four ways, four inputsthat we put into here as well.
The first one is emotionalawareness.
You may think this is a bitcrazy, but it's literally the
(26:02):
ability to name your feelings.
It's crazy to me.
I'm I will admit, self-admit,that maybe I'm a little too
heavy on like being able to namemy feelings.
I am a pretty emotional person,and I have to I have to kind of
do the opposite where I don'tthink about my feelings so much
because I can think about themtoo much and they can kind of
(26:24):
take over.
But some people are the oppositeof me.
My husband, in some ways, can bethe opposite of me, especially
when we first got married.
He was in the military, verymilitaristic mindset.
We don't have feelings.
Feelings are for pansies,feelings are for wimps, right?
That's the mindset that somepeople have grown up with or
were in a job or type of workwhere feelings weren't allowed.
(26:47):
Now, how do you think that showsup in relationships, at future
work, at home, in other types ofrelationships in your life?
If you aren't able to identifyand name the feelings that you
have, do you think you're goingto be able to understand and be
there for other people when theytry and share their feelings
with you?
(27:07):
No, you're not.
And I'll dive more into that ina minute.
So emotional awareness, beingable to know and name your own
feelings.
The second one isself-regulation.
So this is your ability to notonly know your feelings, but to
calm yourself down so that yourfeelings won't take over.
(27:28):
This feeling could be anger.
You get so angry that you justwant to lash out at everyone.
You're irritable every way youshow up.
This feeling could be fear.
You're just so nervous, soanxious, so overwhelmed at what
could possibly happen that youdon't do anything.
Of course, there's a variety offeelings, but it's the ability
(27:49):
to self-regulate and not letyour feelings control you.
That is the point here.
The third input for emotionalattraction is attuned
understanding.
Really, this is all aboutempathy.
When someone turns towards you,when your son comes home at the
end of a day of school andsomeone just made fun of him on
(28:10):
the bus and he's heartbrokenabout it.
When he comes to you and says,This terrible thing happened and
I'm so upset, are you gonna say,eh, that other kid was just
being a jerk?
Don't even listen to him.
You think you're being there foryour son, but in reality, you
just brushed him off.
He doesn't feel any better afterthe end of you saying that.
(28:30):
What he's wanting is for you toturn towards him, to have
empathy.
I'm so sorry that that justhappened.
Tell me how you feel.
To help him process hisemotions, to be there for him,
and to let him know that you arethere for him no matter what.
That's a tuned understanding.
And then finally is groundedidentity.
(28:54):
Grounded identity is all aboutself-differentiation.
It's where you're able to haveyour emotions, you're able to
sit with someone else in theiremotions, but not let their
emotions consume you, and alsonot try and let your emotions
consume someone else.
You hear this a lot, uh, andmaybe one of the best ways I can
(29:15):
describe it is when it comes towhen divorce happens in
families.
So sometimes a parent will tryand triangulate their child.
They will try and get theirchild to see the divorce their
way and get the child on theirside.
That is a negative way where weare trying to consume another
person with our emotions andmake them see things our way.
(29:37):
That's when we're trying to uhthat's it, that's when
self-differentiation, like we'rewe're trying to control another
person to agree with us.
But then on the other side ofit, it is when you are so
overwhelmed with your ownemotions.
But then the other side of it iswhen there's another person who
is just so emotionally unevenand unkiltered, and you are
(30:00):
drawn in.
You try and fix everything forthem in order for them to be
happy.
Neither of those are healthy.
So what we want to focus on ishaving a grounded identity.
I can be the stable person evenwhen the people around me are
struggling.
I'm still gonna show up for themand show them I care, but I'm
not gonna let the wave of theiremotion sweep me under.
(30:22):
Now, the output of this is thatpeople feel like you care, but
you're able to care because it'scoming from a place of inner
peace and inner strength,because you are emotionally
healthy.
When you focus on these inputsof emotional attraction and
influence, you feel moreconfident to be a good friend, a
(30:44):
good wife, a good husband, agood coworker for someone who
needs a shoulder to cry on, abetter leader and being able to
lead a team that you leadbecause you are emotionally
grounded first, but they willfeel that.
If you're anxious, the peoplearound you will be anxious.
If you're angry, the peoplearound you will want to be away
(31:04):
from you.
But if you're grounded and ableto control your emotions, people
will trust you.
This leads us to the final areaof attraction, which is
spiritual.
The first of these is soulcalibration.
Soul calibration is all aboutprayer and inner stillness.
(31:28):
It's the ability for you to findtime away from the craziness,
from the noise, from theexpectations that people have of
you in your life, and find thattime to be still.
If you're a person of faith,it's the importance of prayer,
the importance of talking withGod, of hearing from God in a
way that will still you and calmyou like nothing else can.
(31:52):
It's also, if you're a person offaith, it is reading the Bible,
reading scripture, having thatgrounded belief in something
bigger than yourself that guidesyour daily actions.
This is what gives us life.
It's what gives us purpose, it'swhat gives us focus, and it's an
important part of spiritualattraction and influence.
(32:13):
The second input here is moraldirection.
You've got to stand forsomething or you'll fall for
anything.
That's definitely an old countrysong, but I bet that's an adage
that's been around for forever.
It's attractive to be a personwho has beliefs and values,
especially in a world right nowthat's so scared of doing or
(32:36):
saying the wrong thing that youdon't know what anyone really
thinks or believes anymore.
Now, you don't do this in a wayto push other people away or to
be divisive.
I am definitely not a fan ofthat, but it's important to have
strong beliefs and values.
Your beliefs and values are thefilters that help you make
decisions and hopefully help youlive a life of integrity where
(32:58):
you're willing to do the rightthing even when it's the hardest
thing to do.
That's attractive.
And when people see that in you,they see character.
They see that you're the kind ofperson willing to do what's
hard, willing to do what isagainst society or culture.
But guess what?
People trust that.
The third input is caring forothers.
(33:20):
We can get so focused onourselves, how we look, how
we're showing up, that it canbecome too much about us.
That's not the goal.
The goal of our life is not justto take everything in and soak
it in for us, it's to pour outfor others, to make a difference
in the world.
So caring for others is a hugefocus and important input for
(33:43):
spiritual attraction.
It's the way that you live outyour beliefs and values in
showing your love for otherpeople.
The fourth input is forgivenessand grace.
When you are unable to forgiveyourself for things that you've
done in your past, when you'reunable to forgive other people
(34:05):
for things that they've done toyou, you harbor that.
It turns into resentment.
When people are unable andunwilling to forgive, the
research even tells us that itaffects their mental health.
They're more likely to bedepressed, they're more likely
to get sick more often.
There's an actual physicalimpact on not forgiving and not
(34:28):
accepting or giving grace topeople, especially when it's
undeserved.
Of course, as a Christian, I seethis as so fundamental because I
know that I have been forgivenonly because the ultimate
forgiveness has been given to mebased on Jesus and based on him
forgiving all sins, mine andyours, and for him to extend
(34:52):
grace, unmerited favor that Icould never earn or deserve.
But when I have that, that isthe launch pad, that is the
catalyst for me of how I canultimately give that to others.
There's people I don't want toforgive, but I always remember,
not always, I should remember itmore, but I do consistently
(35:16):
remember the story in scripturewhere Jesus' disciples ask him,
How many times should I forgivethis person?
And Jesus says, 70 times seven,which doesn't literally mean
490.
It means as many times as youhave to.
Now, when you focus on theseinputs, it's going to help you
(35:36):
be more confident in the waythat you live out your beliefs
and values in the world aroundyou.
You're going to have more of aninternal propulsion to go out,
to serve, to tell others aboutthe things that you believe,
maybe even share your faith, togo and do things that will make
an actual difference in theworld because you believe that
that's what needs to happen.
(35:57):
If you want to make the world abetter place, it has to start
with you.
I love Mother Teresa's quotewhere she said, let no one leave
you until they are better thanwhen they came.
And I believe that we all have aresponsibility here on this
earth in the relationships thatwe have with others, in the
needs that we see outside insociety, whether that be
(36:19):
globally or locally, that maybewe are the ones who are supposed
to help meet those needs andactually do something meaningful
with our lives.
Now, here's the really coolthing.
You've learned all the inputs,you've learned a little bit
about the overarching theme ofeach output.
There's actually severaldifferent ways that these that
(36:40):
the way you show up looks ineach different pillar.
I don't have time to get in thatinto that today, but ultimately
there's a really cool way youcan begin to see this for
yourself.
I, as you know, am a researcher.
I geek out on tons of things.
And one of the cool things thatuh our team did was actually
made a way for people to be ableto see on a high level their
(37:03):
scores of their inputs, how wellthey're doing in each area of
their pies versus their outputs.
How are other people seeing theway that they show up?
And so we have this cool graphwhere uh if you look at it this
way, there's the P, there's theE, there's I E S, right?
Um, these are inputs on a scaleof one to seven.
(37:25):
And so someone could see, ohman, my physical input is ended
up only being a two, and myphysical output ended being a
five.
And they can do that with eacharea of this, and it just gives
you insight to be able to seewhere where you are.
There's so much more to go indepth in that in terms of if
(37:47):
like what your scores mean andwhat they tell me and what they
can tell you about where yourfoundation is actually broken,
and that's something that youreally need to focus on right
now.
It also tells you in which areasyou are most at risk for
burnout.
If there's an area that youroutput is way higher than your
input, then you're at risk forburnout in that area.
(38:08):
On the flip side, if your inputis really high in a given area,
but your output is really low,that shows that you have a
really amazing potential toincrease your capacity in that
area.
That's your biggest area forgrowth to really change the way
that you show up in your lifefor others.
So if you want to see that, it'sa free assessment.
(38:29):
It's just eight questions.
It's super high level.
It doesn't get as in-depth assome of the other assessments
that I've created isspecifically for this, but in a
super high-level way, you'll beable to see your inputs, your
outputs, the gap, the focus thatyou need to have completely
free.
Either click the link on thescreen or it'll be in the show
notes below.
As you can see, I am superexcited about this updated
(38:52):
science of attraction andinfluence and the relaunch of
the podcast and the YouTubechannel, where we're gonna be
talking about the way you showup.
So be sure that you, if you're apodcast person, go and follow
the podcast, The Way You ShowUp, with Kimberly Doctor,
Kimberly Beam Holmes, uh, aswell as subscribe to the YouTube
(39:13):
channel.
I'm gonna be posting everysingle week.
Of course, if you want that freeassessment, you'll also join the
email list when you get that,and I'll be sending out emails
every week as well.
I'm excited to go on thisjourney, and I'm really, really
excited for you to join me.
Until next time, stay strong.
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