April 9, 2024 • 16 mins
Does your family have established rules for teenage dating? This episode offers a fresh perspective on the goals of dating during the teen years and how to keep your teen safe!
Learning how to navigate romantic relationships is an important part of the teen experience, but it can feel like scary uncharted territory for parents. Use the ideas in this episode to help you empower your teen to set healthy boundaries in their dating relationships now and after they leave home.
Make sure you discuss the practical dating safety tips at the end of the episode with your teen to set them up for success and make their dating experience a whole lot more fun!
Full Show Notes at: https://www.jenbelltate.com/blog/rules-for-teenage-dating
Mentioned on the Show:
- My girls carry this cute pepper spray on their keychains - replace it every 1-2 years
- Get instant access to the Boundaries in Parenting Workshop mentioned in this episode (and so much more) when you join the ENJOY Coaching Community.
- Join the free Teens are the Worst Facebook Group to ask questions and continue this conversation
- Follow me on Instagram and Facebook
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:27):
I have been seeing and respondingto so many questions lately
on teenagers and dating.
And listen, I don't have all of theanswers for what you should do in your
home with your teenager, but I want totalk about a fundamental concept that
I think every parent needs to knowwhen it comes to teenagers and dating.
(00:52):
Earlier this week, I taught aworkshop in my Enjoy Coaching
community on boundaries in parenting.
And we talked all about boundaries, whatthey are and what they are not, when to
use them and when not to use them, andwhat to use instead when a boundary is
actually not the right tool for the job.
The whole purpose of a boundary isto keep ourselves safe physically,
(01:14):
mentally, and emotionally.
Each of us get to determine forourselves where that boundary is.
We get to determine atwhat point do we feel safe.
unsafe with another person and weget to draw our boundary there.
But the part that I think most peopleget wrong when it comes to boundaries is
(01:36):
the boundary is not for the other person.
We're not telling the otherperson not to cross our boundary.
We are determining where the boundary isthat we will then take action to protect
ourselves, to keep ourselves safe.
Safe.
And this is a really importantdistinction because the responsibility
of boundaries is on you.
(01:58):
The responsibility is yours to dothe thing that is going to keep
you safe in that interaction.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am a firmbeliever in communicating our boundaries
to other people, making requestsof them, asking them to honor our
boundaries, and all that good stuff.
I believe in manners, and I believein socially accepted behavior, and
(02:20):
that's all great, but the truthis we can't control other people
-any other people -in our life.
And so the responsibility is onus to take action when a boundary
is crossed to protect ourselves.
So what does this have to dowith teenagers and dating?
Well, my biggest concern when itcomes to teenagers and dating is
(02:43):
that my teenager knows how to set aboundary that will keep them safe.
The thing about boundaries is whenour kids are little, when they are
young, It is our responsibility asparents to draw the boundaries and
enforce the boundaries on their behalf.
They don't have the skillof keeping themselves safe.
(03:05):
So we, as parents, take on that role.
We draw the boundary.
When your baby who is just learning howto crawl is crawling around upstairs
and they get close to the stairs.
Usually we put up a baby gate sothey don't fall down the stairs.
Why?
Because they don't knowthat that is a boundary.
They don't know how to keepthemselves safe at that boundary.
(03:28):
But we know that they are probablygoing to try and go down the stairs.
So we set up a fence.
We create a physicalboundary to keep them safe.
When our two year old is playing outin the front yard and we don't want
them to go in the street because it'snot safe, we give them a boundary.
We say, if you cross this line,you have to come inside because I
(03:50):
don't want you to go in the street.
You can play in the front yard,but you can't cross this point.
But as our kids get older, ourresponsibility as parents changes,
instead of always being the one to setand enforce the boundary to keep our kids
safe, our purpose shifts a little bitto teaching our kids how to set their
(04:12):
own boundaries to keep themselves safe.
And this really kicks into high gearas our kids reach the teen years.
We don't get to go with them to middleschool, junior high, or high school.
If they are hanging out with theirfriends and they're walking along a busy
road, we aren't going to be there tosay, if you cross this line, you have
to come inside because I don't want yougoing in the road because it's not safe.
(04:35):
We have to trust that they have learnedto set that boundary for themselves.
I'm not going to cross this linebecause I know then I will not be safe.
So when I think about teenagersand dating, this is the lens
through which I see all of it.
My number one priority for my kidswhen they go on a date is their safety.
(05:00):
Their physical, emotional,and mental safety.
And while technically I could create awhole bunch of rules, a whole bunch of
boundaries around my kids and dating.
Who they can go with, when they can go,where they can go, I could create all
of those rules on my own and set themup as boundaries to keep my child safe.
(05:22):
And depending on the age andthe maturity of your child,
that might be really necessary.
But what I have found is so muchmore effective when it comes
to teens and dating is to helpthem set their own boundaries.
My goal has shifted from keeping them safeto helping them learn how to create safety
(05:46):
in a dating environment for themselves.
So instead of hard and fast rules aboutwhen you can date and who you can date and
where you can date and how it's all goingto go down, what I like to do with my
kids is to make sure that they understand,first of all, the purpose of dating.
And second, the dangers that areassociated with going on dates with
(06:09):
people that you don't know very well.
Now, because this is my podcast andbecause people ask me this question,
I'm going to share with you what I thinkthe purpose of teenagers dating is.
And you may have a totally differentview on that, and that is okay.
So we don't have to agree on this forthe rest of the principles to still
be sound, but I'm going to share itbecause I know people sometimes are
(06:33):
curious about where I stand on this.
Growing up, I was the oldestin my family and the only girl.
And as a result, my parents had verystrict rules around dating for me.
One of those rules was that I wasnot allowed to date until I was 16.
And at that point it was expectedthat I would go on mostly group dates,
(06:56):
like with other couples, so that itwasn't just me and one other person.
And the other rule that myfamily had, well, Let me back up.
I say my family, but what I really meanis me, because I am quite confident that
neither of my brothers ever had to followthis rule, but it was called the ABC rule.
And the basic gist of this rule wasthat I was not allowed to go on a
(07:19):
date with someone and then go onanother date with them before I had
gone on dates with different people.
So the idea was you go on a date withperson A, then B, then C, before you can
go back on another date with person A.
If I'm being totally honest, I didn'thate this rule in high school and I
still don't think it's a terrible rule.
(07:42):
We don't have it for our own kids, but itdid force me to go on a lot of dates with
a lot of different people even though Idid have some exclusive relationships.
And those boyfriends of mine did notlove this rule, they were not fans
of the fact that I had to go on adate with different people before I
could go on a second date with them.
But it really did serve me inthe way that it Forced me to
(08:05):
get to know a lot of people.
Which leads me to what I think is thepurpose of Dating as a teenager and
that is to figure out what you want.
To figure out what kind of people youlike spending time with and what you
like to do and how to Function in arelationship and how to navigate feelings
(08:26):
and be respectful of someone else.
And just as important, if notmore important, is figuring
out what you don't like.
Figuring out what red flags to watchfor while you are still at home in the
care of your parents who are helpingyou and guiding you through the tricky
waters of navigating relationships.
(08:47):
I also think that teenagedating should be fun.
If it gets too heavy and there's toomuch drama and it's too complicated,
that is not serving our teens at all.
And so I like to teach my teens thatthe process of dating should feel fun.
It should feel like exploration andexcitement to get to know new people,
(09:11):
to have fun experiences, to do funthings, and to learn how to be in a
romantic relationship with someone else.
With that in mind, I think it's easierto then jump to the conversation about
the dangers of dating as a teenager.
Like it or not, dating, in general,is not the safest activity.
(09:34):
The whole point of dating is toget to know someone better in
a more exclusive relationship.
And that means we don't know theperson when we start dating them.
There is this period ofgetting to know them.
How do they react in different situations?
Who really is this person?
And then you add to that fact, thisis happening between two teenagers.
(09:59):
Two humans whose brains are underconstruction, who have very immature
relationship skills that they aretrying to develop and grow, who have
hormones Raging through their bodies.
Who already struggle with makinggood decisions, and there is so much
pressure and social pressure andexpectation about these relationships.
(10:22):
And with all of these factorscoming into play, teenagers
dating is not inherently safe.
But with that said.
Teenagers are also so smart.
They are so good at problem solving.
So when we can bring this to theirawareness in advance, before they are
(10:43):
in the moment where they're having funand he's so cute or she's so cute and
their emotions take over, we can helpthem set some very clear boundaries
so that they can keep themselves safe.
Now, every situation isgoing to be different.
I have stopped trying to believethat I can set rules that apply to
(11:04):
every situation for all of my kidsbecause it just doesn't work that way.
Your teen might want to go on a date withsomeone they have known since elementary
school and you know that person andthey know that person and they have
lots of mutual friends and they've hadlots of experiences with them and that's
going to look really different than asituation where they met someone online,
(11:25):
through another friend and they'vebeen texting but never met in person.
Those dates and the expectations forthem and the boundaries going to set for
those dates might look very different.
Along with that, you know yourkid better than anyone else.
You know how well they do under pressure.
You know how trustworthy they are.
(11:46):
You know how mature they are.
And so that's also going to comeinto play with how you help them
set up boundaries to keep themselvessafe in dating situations.
Ultimately, this needs to be aconversation you have with your teen
about what the dangers of datingare and how are they going to make
(12:06):
sure they keep themselves safe.
To wrap this episode up, I want to sharea few ideas of some boundaries that
I have talked to my own teens aboutand some general best practices that I
think could be helpful for any teen tothink through as they're considering
setting boundaries around dating.
(12:27):
The first thing I think is absolutelyessential for any child going
on a date is that someone elseknows where they are at all times.
Now, this is one of those perfectopportunities where your teen can blame
you for being the bad guy so they don'thave to be, and they can just let their
date know, "Hey, our rule at our houseis that my mom always needs to know where
(12:50):
I'm going to be when I go out on a date.
Can you let me know where we'regoing to be so I can pass that
on to her and she'll let me go?"
And if for some reason that dateis wanting to surprise your child
and they don't want to tell themthe plan, that's totally fine.
I get that.
The date can just directlycommunicate the plan with the mom.
(13:10):
And this goes for boys or girls.
I want to know where my childis going on a date at all times.
Now, this is a boundary that I want mykids to take with them off to college.
And so if they don't want to call meand tell me where they're going on
their date, they need to at least telltheir roommate or a friend or someone.
Their date needs to know thatthe people around them who love
(13:33):
them, know where they're going.
They know they're gone.
They know how to reach them and theyhave location turned on on their phone.
Another idea is to go on groupdates, to go on double dates or
triple dates or whatever, so thatyou're not the only two people there.
Not only is that so much more funmost of the time, but it also takes
(13:53):
a lot of the pressure and stressout of the dating experience.
Now that might not always belogistically possible, and that's okay.
And of course, as you grow olderand as relationships progress
and get more serious, you don'talways want to be in a group.
You need to get to knowthis person one on one.
But I love the idea of group dating,especially for teenagers, because it does
(14:17):
take a lot of the stress and pressure off.
And finally, I think it's really importantthat your teen think about the idea of
driving themselves to meet up on a date.
Now, this is especially true if theyare going on any kind of blind date or
any like first couple of times you meetsomeone, they should drive separately.
(14:38):
They should have their own transportationand they should meet in a public location.
This is so key to keeping them safe.
You do not know who you are meetingup with, if you have only ever texted
with them, or talked to them online,or talked to them even on the phone.
You need a way to keep yourself safe.
(14:59):
We do not want our teens relying onsomeone else they don't know and can't
control to get them safely anywhere.
What if that person has been drinking?
What if they are a terrible driver?
You want your child to have fullautonomy to leave whenever they
need to, to keep themselves safe.
(15:20):
I know I said that was the last one,but I do have one more thing that my
girls and I have talked about as arequirement for them whenever they go
on a date or anywhere by themselves.
They have to take pepper spraywith them and we always have
location turned on on their phone.
This is not really datingspecific, but it definitely does
(15:42):
apply when it comes to dating.
They always take pepper spray with them.
They always have locationturned on on their phone.
And that's just an added level ofprotection and safety for them.
I hope that this conversation has beenreally helpful for you and has given
you some things to think about asyou help your child create boundaries
(16:03):
around dating for themselves so thatthey know how to keep themselves safe.
so that they know where their lineis, of where they feel comfortable,
where they feel safe, and how totake action to get out of situations
where they don't feel safe.
As always, I am here inthe trenches with you.
I am cheering you on, and I wouldlove to continue this conversation,
(16:27):
whether you want to send me an emailor reach out on any of my social media
channels, I would love to chat morewith you about teenagers and dating.
I have been seeing and respondingto so many questions lately
on teenagers and dating.
And listen, I don't have all of theanswers for what you should do in your
home with your teenager, but I want totalk about a fundamental concept that
I think every parent needs to knowwhen it comes to teenagers and dating.
(00:52):
Earlier this week, I taught aworkshop in my Enjoy Coaching
community on boundaries in parenting.
And we talked all about boundaries, whatthey are and what they are not, when to
use them and when not to use them, andwhat to use instead when a boundary is
actually not the right tool for the job.
The whole purpose of a boundary isto keep ourselves safe physically,
(01:14):
mentally, and emotionally.
Each of us get to determine forourselves where that boundary is.
We get to determine atwhat point do we feel safe.
unsafe with another person and weget to draw our boundary there.
But the part that I think most peopleget wrong when it comes to boundaries is
(01:36):
the boundary is not for the other person.
We're not telling the otherperson not to cross our boundary.
We are determining where the boundary isthat we will then take action to protect
ourselves, to keep ourselves safe.
Safe.
And this is a really importantdistinction because the responsibility
of boundaries is on you.
(01:58):
The responsibility is yours to dothe thing that is going to keep
you safe in that interaction.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am a firmbeliever in communicating our boundaries
to other people, making requestsof them, asking them to honor our
boundaries, and all that good stuff.
I believe in manners, and I believein socially accepted behavior, and
(02:20):
that's all great, but the truthis we can't control other people
-any other people -in our life.
And so the responsibility is onus to take action when a boundary
is crossed to protect ourselves.
So what does this have to dowith teenagers and dating?
Well, my biggest concern when itcomes to teenagers and dating is
(02:43):
that my teenager knows how to set aboundary that will keep them safe.
The thing about boundaries is whenour kids are little, when they are
young, It is our responsibility asparents to draw the boundaries and
enforce the boundaries on their behalf.
They don't have the skillof keeping themselves safe.
(03:05):
So we, as parents, take on that role.
We draw the boundary.
When your baby who is just learning howto crawl is crawling around upstairs
and they get close to the stairs.
Usually we put up a baby gate sothey don't fall down the stairs.
Why?
Because they don't knowthat that is a boundary.
They don't know how to keepthemselves safe at that boundary.
(03:28):
But we know that they are probablygoing to try and go down the stairs.
So we set up a fence.
We create a physicalboundary to keep them safe.
When our two year old is playing outin the front yard and we don't want
them to go in the street because it'snot safe, we give them a boundary.
We say, if you cross this line,you have to come inside because I
(03:50):
don't want you to go in the street.
You can play in the front yard,but you can't cross this point.
But as our kids get older, ourresponsibility as parents changes,
instead of always being the one to setand enforce the boundary to keep our kids
safe, our purpose shifts a little bitto teaching our kids how to set their
(04:12):
own boundaries to keep themselves safe.
And this really kicks into high gearas our kids reach the teen years.
We don't get to go with them to middleschool, junior high, or high school.
If they are hanging out with theirfriends and they're walking along a busy
road, we aren't going to be there tosay, if you cross this line, you have
to come inside because I don't want yougoing in the road because it's not safe.
(04:35):
We have to trust that they have learnedto set that boundary for themselves.
I'm not going to cross this linebecause I know then I will not be safe.
So when I think about teenagersand dating, this is the lens
through which I see all of it.
My number one priority for my kidswhen they go on a date is their safety.
(05:00):
Their physical, emotional,and mental safety.
And while technically I could create awhole bunch of rules, a whole bunch of
boundaries around my kids and dating.
Who they can go with, when they can go,where they can go, I could create all
of those rules on my own and set themup as boundaries to keep my child safe.
(05:22):
And depending on the age andthe maturity of your child,
that might be really necessary.
But what I have found is so muchmore effective when it comes
to teens and dating is to helpthem set their own boundaries.
My goal has shifted from keeping them safeto helping them learn how to create safety
(05:46):
in a dating environment for themselves.
So instead of hard and fast rules aboutwhen you can date and who you can date and
where you can date and how it's all goingto go down, what I like to do with my
kids is to make sure that they understand,first of all, the purpose of dating.
And second, the dangers that areassociated with going on dates with
(06:09):
people that you don't know very well.
Now, because this is my podcast andbecause people ask me this question,
I'm going to share with you what I thinkthe purpose of teenagers dating is.
And you may have a totally differentview on that, and that is okay.
So we don't have to agree on this forthe rest of the principles to still
be sound, but I'm going to share itbecause I know people sometimes are
(06:33):
curious about where I stand on this.
Growing up, I was the oldestin my family and the only girl.
And as a result, my parents had verystrict rules around dating for me.
One of those rules was that I wasnot allowed to date until I was 16.
And at that point it was expectedthat I would go on mostly group dates,
(06:56):
like with other couples, so that itwasn't just me and one other person.
And the other rule that myfamily had, well, Let me back up.
I say my family, but what I really meanis me, because I am quite confident that
neither of my brothers ever had to followthis rule, but it was called the ABC rule.
And the basic gist of this rule wasthat I was not allowed to go on a
(07:19):
date with someone and then go onanother date with them before I had
gone on dates with different people.
So the idea was you go on a date withperson A, then B, then C, before you can
go back on another date with person A.
If I'm being totally honest, I didn'thate this rule in high school and I
still don't think it's a terrible rule.
(07:42):
We don't have it for our own kids, but itdid force me to go on a lot of dates with
a lot of different people even though Idid have some exclusive relationships.
And those boyfriends of mine did notlove this rule, they were not fans
of the fact that I had to go on adate with different people before I
could go on a second date with them.
But it really did serve me inthe way that it Forced me to
(08:05):
get to know a lot of people.
Which leads me to what I think is thepurpose of Dating as a teenager and
that is to figure out what you want.
To figure out what kind of people youlike spending time with and what you
like to do and how to Function in arelationship and how to navigate feelings
(08:26):
and be respectful of someone else.
And just as important, if notmore important, is figuring
out what you don't like.
Figuring out what red flags to watchfor while you are still at home in the
care of your parents who are helpingyou and guiding you through the tricky
waters of navigating relationships.
(08:47):
I also think that teenagedating should be fun.
If it gets too heavy and there's toomuch drama and it's too complicated,
that is not serving our teens at all.
And so I like to teach my teens thatthe process of dating should feel fun.
It should feel like exploration andexcitement to get to know new people,
(09:11):
to have fun experiences, to do funthings, and to learn how to be in a
romantic relationship with someone else.
With that in mind, I think it's easierto then jump to the conversation about
the dangers of dating as a teenager.
Like it or not, dating, in general,is not the safest activity.
(09:34):
The whole point of dating is toget to know someone better in
a more exclusive relationship.
And that means we don't know theperson when we start dating them.
There is this period ofgetting to know them.
How do they react in different situations?
Who really is this person?
And then you add to that fact, thisis happening between two teenagers.
(09:59):
Two humans whose brains are underconstruction, who have very immature
relationship skills that they aretrying to develop and grow, who have
hormones Raging through their bodies.
Who already struggle with makinggood decisions, and there is so much
pressure and social pressure andexpectation about these relationships.
(10:22):
And with all of these factorscoming into play, teenagers
dating is not inherently safe.
But with that said.
Teenagers are also so smart.
They are so good at problem solving.
So when we can bring this to theirawareness in advance, before they are
(10:43):
in the moment where they're having funand he's so cute or she's so cute and
their emotions take over, we can helpthem set some very clear boundaries
so that they can keep themselves safe.
Now, every situation isgoing to be different.
I have stopped trying to believethat I can set rules that apply to
(11:04):
every situation for all of my kidsbecause it just doesn't work that way.
Your teen might want to go on a date withsomeone they have known since elementary
school and you know that person andthey know that person and they have
lots of mutual friends and they've hadlots of experiences with them and that's
going to look really different than asituation where they met someone online,
(11:25):
through another friend and they'vebeen texting but never met in person.
Those dates and the expectations forthem and the boundaries going to set for
those dates might look very different.
Along with that, you know yourkid better than anyone else.
You know how well they do under pressure.
You know how trustworthy they are.
(11:46):
You know how mature they are.
And so that's also going to comeinto play with how you help them
set up boundaries to keep themselvessafe in dating situations.
Ultimately, this needs to be aconversation you have with your teen
about what the dangers of datingare and how are they going to make
(12:06):
sure they keep themselves safe.
To wrap this episode up, I want to sharea few ideas of some boundaries that
I have talked to my own teens aboutand some general best practices that I
think could be helpful for any teen tothink through as they're considering
setting boundaries around dating.
(12:27):
The first thing I think is absolutelyessential for any child going
on a date is that someone elseknows where they are at all times.
Now, this is one of those perfectopportunities where your teen can blame
you for being the bad guy so they don'thave to be, and they can just let their
date know, "Hey, our rule at our houseis that my mom always needs to know where
(12:50):
I'm going to be when I go out on a date.
Can you let me know where we'regoing to be so I can pass that
on to her and she'll let me go?"
And if for some reason that dateis wanting to surprise your child
and they don't want to tell themthe plan, that's totally fine.
I get that.
The date can just directlycommunicate the plan with the mom.
(13:10):
And this goes for boys or girls.
I want to know where my childis going on a date at all times.
Now, this is a boundary that I want mykids to take with them off to college.
And so if they don't want to call meand tell me where they're going on
their date, they need to at least telltheir roommate or a friend or someone.
Their date needs to know thatthe people around them who love
(13:33):
them, know where they're going.
They know they're gone.
They know how to reach them and theyhave location turned on on their phone.
Another idea is to go on groupdates, to go on double dates or
triple dates or whatever, so thatyou're not the only two people there.
Not only is that so much more funmost of the time, but it also takes
(13:53):
a lot of the pressure and stressout of the dating experience.
Now that might not always belogistically possible, and that's okay.
And of course, as you grow olderand as relationships progress
and get more serious, you don'talways want to be in a group.
You need to get to knowthis person one on one.
But I love the idea of group dating,especially for teenagers, because it does
(14:17):
take a lot of the stress and pressure off.
And finally, I think it's really importantthat your teen think about the idea of
driving themselves to meet up on a date.
Now, this is especially true if theyare going on any kind of blind date or
any like first couple of times you meetsomeone, they should drive separately.
(14:38):
They should have their own transportationand they should meet in a public location.
This is so key to keeping them safe.
You do not know who you are meetingup with, if you have only ever texted
with them, or talked to them online,or talked to them even on the phone.
You need a way to keep yourself safe.
(14:59):
We do not want our teens relying onsomeone else they don't know and can't
control to get them safely anywhere.
What if that person has been drinking?
What if they are a terrible driver?
You want your child to have fullautonomy to leave whenever they
need to, to keep themselves safe.
(15:20):
I know I said that was the last one,but I do have one more thing that my
girls and I have talked about as arequirement for them whenever they go
on a date or anywhere by themselves.
They have to take pepper spraywith them and we always have
location turned on on their phone.
This is not really datingspecific, but it definitely does
(15:42):
apply when it comes to dating.
They always take pepper spray with them.
They always have locationturned on on their phone.
And that's just an added level ofprotection and safety for them.
I hope that this conversation has beenreally helpful for you and has given
you some things to think about asyou help your child create boundaries
(16:03):
around dating for themselves so thatthey know how to keep themselves safe.
so that they know where their lineis, of where they feel comfortable,
where they feel safe, and how totake action to get out of situations
where they don't feel safe.
As always, I am here inthe trenches with you.
I am cheering you on, and I wouldlove to continue this conversation,
(16:27):
whether you want to send me an emailor reach out on any of my social media
channels, I would love to chat morewith you about teenagers and dating.
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