SUMMER BONUS: Motivating Your Teen

Did your teen set summer goals? If so, now is the perfect time to check in and see how things are going. And if they didn't, it is a great time to help them think about goals for the coming school year.

Or maybe you are wondering how to even get your teen to care about goals? In this episode I will teach you what creates motivation and how to help your teen find more of it!

You will learn 5 things you can do to raise more driven, self-sufficient teens without nagging.

This is part one of a 2-part series, so CLICK HERE to listen to part 2. 

 

Ready for More?

• Listen to Motivating Your Teen - Part 2
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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Right now is the perfect time to checkin with your teen about setting goals.

(00:05):
Whether you still have another monthleft in the summer, and you're checking
in with them on their summer goalsand the progress that they've made, or
you're just about to start a brand newschool year, and you want to help them
set some goals for the coming year, asparents, we all want to know the same

thing (00:20):
how do we motivate our teenagers.
In this episode, I'm going to helpyou understand what motivation really
is and learn five things that youcan do to raise more driven, self
sufficient teenagers without constantlybeing in a power struggle with them.
This episode was part one of a twopart series so I will put the link

(00:44):
to part two in the show notes so thatyou can check it out if you want.
Hi, I'm Jen, and this is a podcast to helpyou enjoy being a mom of teens without
worrying that you're doing it all wrong.
Whether you want to connect withyour teens, be confident in your

(01:05):
parenting, or just be a happiermom, I can't wait to show you how
much fun the teen years can be.
Are you ready?
Because this is going to be fun.
Do you ever get frustrated with theway your teenager spends their time?
Walking in a room to find all my kidssitting on the couch playing on their

(01:27):
phones is a serious trigger for me.
It drives me crazy to see themspending their time and energy on
something that I think is so pointless.
And I know I'm not alone in this.
So many parents want to know howthey can motivate their teen.
We want them to go out and havefun experiences, get good grades,
get a job, make money, learnnew skills, and help others.

(01:51):
We want our teens to contribute andconnect and follow their passions.
As moms, we see their potential andwe just want to help them reach it,
and we think that if we could justfigure out how to motivate them, these
kids of ours would be unstoppable.
Motivation is a desire or awillingness to do something.

(02:12):
It is a feeling that iscreated by our thoughts.
To me, motivation feels like acombination of hope, possibility,
empowerment, and excitement.
When we think motivating thoughts,our bodies actually experience
a physiological response.
When we anticipate that somethingimportant or rewarding is
about to happen, we feel it.
Our brains releasedopamine in anticipation.

(02:36):
It's essentially our body's way ofpredicting a reward, of predicting
positive feedback or accomplishment,and giving us a little tiny sample
taste of what that will feel likeso that we will take the action
needed to get the full experience.
And it doesn't stop there.
Motivation creates momentum.

(02:58):
Since we get another surge of dopamine,when we actually get the reward,
feedback, or sense of accomplishment,our bodies keep wanting more.
So it creates a continuoussurge of motivation.
A perfect example of this is oneof my favorite motivation hacks.
Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed orunmotivated or just blah, I make my bed or

(03:20):
pick up a few things or sweep the floor.
I get to experience the rewardof accomplishing a task, which
gives me that dopamine hit andthen motivates me to keep going.
But at some point, motivationwill always fade and that's okay.
Motivation is an ebb and flow.
Feeling discouraged or unmotivateddoesn't mean anything is wrong.

(03:43):
It just means that weare in the ebb and flow.
between the flows.
The more we think lack of motivationis a problem, the more we will
perpetuate feeling unmotivated.
We aren't likely to feel empowered,hopeful, or excited when we are thinking
that there is something wrong with us.
And the same is true for our teens.
We don't have to think somethingis wrong when our teens are not

(04:05):
motivated to say, do the dishes.
Of course they aren't.
That is not somethingthey're excited about doing.
And it's totally not a problem.
It doesn't mean they're lazy.
It doesn't mean they'llnever be motivated.
It just means they aren'tfeeling motivated right now.
But the bad news is since motivationis a feeling created by our thoughts,

(04:26):
we can't actually motivate our kids.
Sure.
We can try and get them to takeaction using rewards and consequences
and threats, but just becausethey take action doesn't mean that
action is coming from motivation.
But why does that matter?
Right?
Just like my motivation hack example, youcan take action before you feel motivated.

(04:47):
So that should be trueof our teens too, right?
And it is, but the challenge we runinto is that when we try to motivate
someone else to take action, wecan actually do a lot of damage
if we approach it the wrong way.
We might try to get our teens to takeaction to make us or someone else happy.
And while this can work in the shortterm, it can also lead us to a lifetime

(05:11):
of people pleasing and cause them tolive their life at the effect of others.
If they can't make someone happy.
They don't experience thatreward of positive feedback
and that surge of dopamine.
So they manipulate others orchange themselves in pursuit
of that positive feedback.
We also might try to get our teensto take action out of fear of

(05:33):
what will happen if they don't.
And while fear can get them to takeaction to avoid a negative consequence,
it damages our relationship in thelongterm and it holds them back
from reaching their full potential.
If you teach them to take actionfrom fear, they are more likely
to let anxiety and fear controlthem throughout their life.
Plus, we always perform better frommotivation than we do from fear.

(05:58):
Another thing we might do is try toget our teen to take action to improve.
It seems so noble to push them to tryand reach their full potential, to be
their best selves and achieve success.
But it can lead to shameand self worth issues.
They may end up spending alifetime trying to prove that
they are worthy and valuable.

(06:19):
They may define themselves by whatthey accomplish, but no matter how
much they really do accomplish, theywill still end up feeling inadequate.
If you have ever tried tomotivate your team using these
tactics, you are not alone.
I have made all of these mistakes too.
And that is why I want toshare another strategy.

(06:40):
That is much more effective.
Instead of trying to get your team totake actions that look like motivation,
focus on creating an environmentwhere they can actually learn how
to create motivation for themselves.
When your team learns how tocreate motivation, they will
naturally take more action.
The better they get atcreating motivation.

(07:02):
The more self sufficientand driven they will become.
The reality is that we won'talways be there to get our teen
to do what needs to be done.
One day, they are going to move out of ourhouse and nobody is going to be there to
make sure they do their laundry, or paytheir bills, or turn in their homework.
If we want our teens to reach their fullpotential, they need to have the drive to

(07:24):
keep going when we aren't there to bribe,encourage, threaten, and remind them.
Here are five things you can do tocreate an environment where your team
can learn and practice motivation.
Number one, build a strong relationship.
A sense of belonging and connectioncreates space for motivation to grow.

(07:45):
When we know that we are loved and caredfor, we can go after our dreams and
goals and even our daily tasks withoutworrying about our emotional safety.
While people pleasing is not a greatmotivation strategy, relationships that we
care about Are extremely motivating to us.
The stronger your relationshipand connection with your teen, the

(08:06):
more receptive they will be to yoursuggestions, ideas, and encouragement.
Love is our greatest tool forinspiring motivation in our teens.
A connected relationship is also thekey to finding out what your teen
really wants out of life, their goalsand vision and who they want to be.
And then you can play the supportingrole in helping them get there.

(08:30):
Ask how you can support themin reaching their goals.
And if they don't know, offer someideas of what you could do to help.
Number two, Encourage healthyhabits, just like emotional safety
creates space for motivation to grow.
We need to take care of our physicalneeds to make room for motivation.
Adequate sleep, exercise, andnutrition are key to motivation.

(08:55):
Have you ever tried to get motivatedto work on something challenging
when you were tired or hungry?
If so, then you know that weneed those basic needs met first.
Physical activity actuallyreleases dopamine, so it is a
catalyst to creating motivation.
My kids each have chores they do afterdinner each night, and it is amazing

(09:15):
to me how much more efficiently andeffectively they do those chores if
we take a walk before chore time.
Another physical need thatour teens have is play.
Just like sleep, food, and exercise,teens need fun in their lives.
It is actually a vital partof teenage development.
Make time and space for fun.

(09:38):
Social connection, fun, and enjoymentincrease our dopamine levels.
Which helps us generate motivation.
Number three, water what you want to grow.
I bet there are plenty of things thatyour teen is already motivated by,
and even if they aren't the things youwant them to be motivated by, we know
that where there is motivation, itis easier to create more motivation.

(10:01):
So if your teen is motivated byvideo games or friends, or books or
sports or movies, don't shut it down.
Support them in their interest.
Help them identify what motivationfeels like so they can translate it
to other areas of their life too.
Understanding that motivation createsmomentum, use that to your advantage.

(10:21):
Allow the momentum of something they aremotivated to do to carry into the things
that they may not be motivated to do.
Encourage your teen to dream big anddon't discourage them from wanting.
Anticipation is an importantelement of motivation.
So dreaming about what they want createsa good environment for motivation to grow.

(10:42):
Number four, find the sweet spot.
I want you to imaginethat there's a continuum.
A long straight line.
And on one side, it's you.
It's really easy.
And on the other side, it's really hard.
Motivation is easiest to createright in the middle where it's
hard enough to create a challenge,but not so hard that we feel

(11:03):
overwhelmed or like we can't do it.
Help your team find ways to move theirtasks closer to the motivation sweet spot.
Maybe you need to break thetasks down into smaller steps.
Maybe they need outside help.
Maybe they need some resources.
So they're better suited to the challenge.
Maybe they need it to be a little morechallenging, so they're not bored.

(11:24):
And while it's great to adjust thingstoward the motivation sweet spot for them,
make sure you teach them this concept andget them involved in the process so they
can learn how to do it for themselves.
Number five, praise, progress, and effort.
Look to the past and point out theirprogress and how much they have grown.

(11:44):
The more your team can see how far they'vecome, the more their confidence will
grow and the more capable they will feel.
When you point out their progress,focus your praise on their
efforts instead of their results.
As they get older, our teens facechallenges that are more difficult
and the results don't come as quickly.
So when their effort can be thereward that creates that surge

(12:06):
of dopamine, they can createmotivation throughout the process.
Instead of just when they get tothe finish line, this will keep them
from getting discouraged becausethey haven't produced the result yet.
Looking back at their progressalso helps them to have hope
and see the possibilities.
When they see how far they have come, theyrealize that even if they aren't where

(12:28):
they want to be yet, taking consistentaction towards the things they want
will bring them closer to their goals.
As you implement these ideas to makeyour home an environment where your
teen can learn to create more motivationfor themselves, there are a few
challenges you might face along the way.
So next week on the podcast, I willbe sharing a few roadblocks you might

(12:51):
encounter and how to overcome them.
Plus, I'll share a simplechecklist of questions to help
your teen find their motivationwhen they just aren't feeling it.
Finally, I am so honored to be oneof the keynote speakers for the Your