May 25, 2026 • 32 mins
I share the moment I realized nobody was coming to save me and why that truth became the start of my transformation. We talk through heartbreak, therapy, movement, and the small decisions that help you step back into life without waiting to feel “fully healed.”
• a flat tire story as a simple reminder of support versus rescue
• the 2009 breakup alongside a bodybuilding comeback and the grief behind the win
• noticing relationship patterns and taking radical responsibility without self-blame
• choosing therapy and checking credentials instead of confusing coaching with licensed care
• using the gym as a consistent anchor and proof of your capacity
• reframing movement as medicine and somatic healing to move emotion through the body
• letting life be messy and giving yourself permission to be a work in progress
• stepping out of isolation to measure growth and build resilience
• three prompts to journal on
• recognizing friends who care versus friends of convenience and building stronger connections
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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
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SPEAKER_00 (00:07):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome to the show.
I'm your host, Tiana, and onthis episode, I'm going to
remind you why you need torescue yourself.
Now, the ironic part is I wroteout my outline for this episode
(00:52):
yesterday, and then I got a flattire.
And I did get help.
Someone very important to meinconvenienced themselves, came
to me, took the completely flattire off my car, put the donut
on, and helped me out.
And I just want to say I amforever grateful and I'm so
(01:14):
appreciative of the people thatI have in my life.
And I also am appreciative ofthe times when I didn't have as
much help or a support system.
And that's what we're reallygoing to dive into and talk
about today.
Now, by the end of this episode,you will walk away with a couple
of ideas for things that you cando and ideas you can either
(01:38):
think about or journal on orreflect upon to change the way
you think about instances whereyou're really struggling, you're
really looking for help, and youare hoping that somebody will
come and save you.
I want to take us back to a timewhen I was at a very low point
(01:59):
in my life.
In the spring of 2009, I waspreparing for a comeback to the
bodybuilding stage, gettingready for a figure competition.
I was in a tumultuousrelationship that I would say we
had a lot of ups and downs.
And at this point, I was sofocused on myself and on what I
(02:21):
needed to do to get ready for myshow that I was neglecting
certain aspects of therelationship.
Now, the reality is therelationship was doomed for a
while.
We were just holding on andtrying to make it work as long
as we could.
And me focusing on myself andpreparing for my competition was
(02:42):
really the wedge that split usapart.
But there were already a ton ofcracks, and it was literally
broken before I decided to dothe show.
And I remember hitting a wall.
Things had come to a head inthis relationship.
I was one week out from gettingon stage.
(03:04):
I kind of bottled up my emotionsand I told my soon-to-be-ex,
like, listen, I really need tofocus.
I can't even worry about thisrelationship right now.
I'm gonna do what I need to dofor this final week.
We call that peak week.
I expect you to be at the show.
Uh, and then maybe afterwards wecan sit down and really talk
(03:27):
about what needs to happen asfar as next steps.
That time came and went.
We split up.
It was devastating.
And it was absolutely not what Iwanted at the time, but it was
exactly what I needed because Ineeded to do more work on
(03:50):
myself.
I needed to get out ofrelationships where I was
feeling neglected.
And when you are thinking aboutthe relationships in your life,
friendships, workingrelationships, client coach
relationships, romanticrelationships, and you start
(04:14):
thinking about the similaritiesamong all of these people, past
or present, the commondenominator is you.
So if you're noticing a trend oryou're seeing recurring patterns
in people's behaviors, I wouldask you to take a look at
(04:34):
yourself.
What is it about you that isdrawing these types of people to
you?
And what does it say about youas far as what you will allow or
tolerate in your life?
Now, this is not an attack onyou, but this is really more of
coming from a place of gentlecuriosity and exploration.
(04:59):
Now, it's 2009.
I just did a show, I won theoverall title.
I should be happy and joyous andcelebrating, and I was for a
short period of time.
And I also was absolutelydevastated because I had to end
this relationship that was notgood for me anymore.
And it was not what I wanted,but it was what I needed, as I
(05:21):
said.
And I just remember thinking,you know, someone needs to come
and fix this, someone needs tocome and pull me out of this,
someone needs to come and helpme.
And I waited.
And I waited some more.
And then I realized, you knowwhat?
Nobody is coming.
(05:42):
Nobody is coming to save me.
Nobody is going to make this allbetter.
Nobody is going to wipe thisaway clean.
No one is going to pull me outof this slump.
Except for me.
You see, nobody was coming.
And that was probably thegreatest gift I ever received.
(06:04):
Because that was the beginningof a life-changing
transformation.
That was the beginning ofeverything for me.
Now, the heartbreak that I feltwasn't just about losing a
person in my life, but it wasalso about me losing a version
(06:25):
of myself that I thought that Iwas.
It was about giving up a ton offriends.
When you're in a relationshipfor a long period of time, your
lives become interwoven andentangled with each other.
And it's not as simplenecessarily as just saying
you're done and moving on withyour life.
I'm sure in some instances thatis true, regardless of your age
(06:48):
or where you're at in your life.
But for many of us, we get intothese relationships, you meet
the other person's friends, theymeet your friends, you may do
some holidays together, or youmay split your time on holidays
and spend part of the day at oneperson's house and then the
other part of the day with theother.
You may get close with theirsiblings or their cousins or
(07:09):
their aunts or their network offriends, their community, their
professional network, you neverknow, is very common,
particularly in New York City.
You know, people from the officeare gonna go to happy hour and
they bring their significantothers.
Like that's not uncommon.
So you're undoing all of thesethings that you once were.
(07:33):
And the instinct is to wait.
Wouldn't it be great if somebodycould just show up and wipe
everything clean?
Wouldn't it be amazing to havesomeone come and comfort you and
say, it's gonna be okay?
And that quiet, uncomfortablerealization that you are
absolutely the only person whocan do that for yourself is a
(07:56):
relief and it's alsodisappointing in the same
breath.
And that's where the gym came infor me.
So, yes, I was already going tothe gym, I was already uh maniac
with the workouts, I wascompeting after I won this
particular show in June of 2009in New York City.
(08:17):
I was on a wave, I was on ahigh.
Facebook was pretty new forpeople who were not in college.
So I created a Facebook page.
I was getting hundreds ofrequests per day.
I was letting in anyone who wasin the bodybuilding world.
There was a lot of hype.
At this point in time, therewere um forums, there were
forums for each muscle magazine.
(08:39):
So there was muscularmusculardevelopment.com, there
was uh, I believebodybuilding.com, there was also
another website.
Oh my goodness, I can't think ofthe name.
Species, which was a supplementcompany, and they also had a
message board.
There was a ton.
So there was a lot of internetactivity happening and people
(09:03):
crossing over.
So they would meet you in aforum and then look for your
Facebook page, or they wouldfind you in an ad in an online
magazine and then look for yourFacebook page and so on.
And so there was a lot of buzzbecause I was pretty much a
nobody.
I didn't have any social mediapresence, and it that was still
(09:23):
not a huge thing back in thattime, but industry connections
were valid, and I didn't haveany.
I had not done any showsrecently, so I really was like a
sleeper that showed up and sweptthe show, took it all.
There was a lot of buzz aboutthat.
I I definitely caused someripples, I hurt some feelings,
(09:46):
and I was riding that wave.
And so in the external, I wassmiling, I was joyous, I was
happy, I was celebrating, andthen internally I was grieving,
I was sad, I was trying to getover, you know, the loss of what
I thought my life was supposedto be, or the ideas that I had
(10:07):
in my mind.
And when all the dust settled,the lights were down, the the
paint had worn off my, you know,my my tan had worn off my body.
Not the paint, my tan.
Although you do paint the tanon, so that's probably why I
said that.
You put the glittery bikini backon the hanger and hang it up,
(10:29):
and now it's time to get back tolife.
And so it was after the next fewshows, which I did two more that
same summer, and then I hung itup for the season, that things
really started to fall intoplace as far as these
realizations of how much changeI was about to face.
(10:51):
And that's where the gym helpedme completely because now I was
aware of what I was capable of.
I was pushing myself harder inthe gym.
I was working out with adifferent type of intensity
because I wasn't getting readyfor the stage for several
months.
So it was my off season.
So I was going hard.
I was trying to keep as muchmuscle, if not gain muscle, in
(11:14):
that time.
And while it was extremelycomforting and soothing, and I
was pushing myself, it was alsoa constant when I felt like so
many other parts of my life werefalling apart.
Now, something I really want tohighlight here is that I went
back to therapy.
(11:36):
And this is really important.
I had been in and out of therapyas a kid.
I think my first therapy sessionever, I was eight years old.
I went in and out for a fewsessions in elementary school,
maybe one or two in middleschool due to some trauma that I
faced in my family.
And then as an adult, I wentback in 2009 and I went
(11:59):
hardcore.
We're talking two sessions aweek for a good amount of time.
And it was life-changing,absolutely life-changing.
Now, I could probably talk forhours about how therapy changed
my life and what it did for me,but I don't want to go down that
(12:20):
rabbit hole today.
I want to make thatrecommendation to you.
If you're struggling and youneed support, I would get the
help of a qualifiedprofessional.
Listen to me very carefully.
People who are coaches and whohave certifications are not the
same thing as a licensedtherapist.
So please make sure you'rechecking the credentials of any
(12:42):
person that you decide you'regoing to work with, that you're
going to divulge your life to,and that you're going to pay for
their services.
Those coaches and thecertifications are good and
they're great, but you need toknow what you're working with up
front.
All right.
What I want to do with thisepisode is just share with you
what my personal experience wasin these times and this period
(13:08):
of 2009 going into 2010 wasreally a huge shift for me.
Because that realization of noone coming, no one is coming to
save me.
And why that's not a tragedy,that was huge.
You know, we we tell ourselvesthese stories, we make up these
(13:30):
ideas in our mind.
And especially aroundrelationships, sometimes things
happen to you or or someonepulls you through it.
But the more liberating truthhere is that rescuing yourself
is a choice you have to make.
(13:50):
And it's going to be somethingyou're going to have to decide
for yourself more often thanonce or even twice in your life.
You're going to be faced withthousands of challenges.
And it is important to recognizethat everything you need to get
you through it, you have withinyou.
What a therapist or a licensedprofessional will be able to do
(14:12):
is to help you reframe how youthink about those things.
So first you unpack all of thisstuff.
And then you start to look atthings through a new lens with
tools that you get from theprofessional that you're working
with.
So they're not technically goingto tell you what to do next or
(14:37):
give you scripts or make all ofthese recommendations.
Typically, they're going to askyou things like, how did that
make you feel?
And what would you likedifferently?
And give you suggestions for howyou're going to handle that the
(14:59):
next time, or how are you goingto bring this up the next time
it comes up and you don't wantto do the same thing you did
before?
You're trying to change yourpatterns.
So if you're trying to changeyour patterns, then of course it
has to come from within you andnot from someone outside of you,
which is why I say again, no oneis coming to save you.
(15:22):
Now you have to realize thatlife is messy.
This is messy.
Sorting through all this stuffis messy.
And it's okay.
It's okay to be stuck in themiddle.
It's okay to be messy.
It's okay to not have it allfigured out because life keeps
going, the clock keeps ticking,you have to keep moving forward.
(15:43):
And you can give it a name andyou can say, all right, well,
I'm in the process of shiftingthis thing in my life, but I'm
not really done yet.
And that's okay.
And you can give yourselfpermission to operate within
that mess.
Now I want to be clear (16:00):
asking for help is not the same as
waiting for someone to come andsave you.
That's not really a rescue fromthe outside.
That is a way for you to godeeper within yourself and maybe
put a different pair of glasseson when you're looking at your
(16:20):
stuff.
I think that's how I would liketo frame that for you.
Now, when we're talking aboutthe gym, and my assumption is
that if you're listening to thisshow, you probably work out in
some capacity.
And I, if not, it's never toolate to start.
People tend to look at fitnessas some type of punishment.
(16:42):
They either want to change theway they look, they want to lose
weight, they want to fixsomething, they want to earn
something, they want to erasesomething, they want to repair
something.
And the gym can become somethingcompletely different for you and
in a different season of yourlife.
And that's absolutely okay.
(17:03):
The gym doesn't ask anything ofyou except for your presence,
your effort, and that you'reshowing up on a regular basis.
The gym will give you backevidence of your own capacity.
I'm gonna say that again.
The gym will give you backevidence of your own capacity.
(17:25):
So what the gym was for me inthat season in 2009, after I was
done with my shows and lookingto put on a little bit of size
is a different, it's a differentstimulus.
It was a different purpose.
It gave me something differentfrom let's say what I'm using
the gym for now.
The bar, the weights, theequipment, all of that is
(17:48):
consistent.
But what it meant to me issomething different.
And and that's really the keytakeaway here.
It's a safe space, it doesn'thave to always be punishment.
And the other part of this isyou don't have to knock it out
of the park every time.
You've heard me say it a milliontimes, done is better than
(18:09):
perfect.
You've heard me say something isbetter than nothing.
So maybe your best today isreally only about 50%.
But if you give me a hundred ofthat 50%, I'm okay with that.
Because you dug deep and youfound whatever you could for me
on that day in the gym.
Do you understand?
Now, there's a reason why you'veheard about movement is
(18:34):
medicine.
You want to move stagnantenergy, you want to get down
into your body.
It is helpful, especially fortrauma recovery, to do what is
called somatic healing.
So that would be similar to likedancing or getting into a flow.
And you can find whatever flowis suitable for you, and that is
(18:55):
gonna do the trick.
But remember, it's about how youframe it, it's about how you see
it, it's about how you thinkabout it.
You define what that is foryourself, and no one else can.
Now, lastly, and this isprobably the biggest point of
all in this episode (19:14):
if you walk away with anything, let it be
this.
You do not have to be fullyhealed to come back into
reality, to come back into yourlife, to come back out from
hiding, to pull yourself out ofthat cave.
(19:34):
First of all, there's no suchthing as being fully healed.
That is a lie, that is afallacy, that is a story we tell
ourselves.
There is no such thing.
But you can step out into theworld as a work in progress.
You could be healing.
And something that I'm guiltyof, I know other people are
(19:57):
guilty of it too, is they'llsay, like, oh, I'm not ready
yet.
I need to work on this rightnow, or I'll put myself back out
there once I'm whole.
A lot of times people will say,like, when they're recovering
from a breakup or they wentthrough something traumatic or
difficult, you know, maybe theyneed time.
And yes, we want to respectsomeone's wishes and also
(20:20):
recognize that you may neverfeel fully ready.
So sometimes you'll you'll hearstories about people that meet
and they have a greatconnection, things are going
well.
And then all of a sudden, maybethey're not moving at the same
pace anymore.
They're not moving in the samedirection.
And one party says, you know,I'm enjoying your company, but I
(20:45):
really need to focus on myselfright now.
I need to take care of a coupleof things.
So I'm not looking for acommitment.
And that could be absolutelyvalid and true.
And you have to respect that.
Just say, okay, cool.
If you're working on yourself,you know, good luck.
(21:06):
And let it go and move on withyour life.
Now that's hard for a lot ofpeople to do, and again, this
could be a whole separate, thiscould be a whole ever opposite
uh podcast series talking aboutwhat people say and what they
mean, especially in datingculture.
But that is not my expertise,and there's hundreds of other
(21:29):
podcasts you you can listen tofor that.
What I want you to walk awaywith is to recognize that you
can be healing and also feelgood enough to step back out
into the world and to give it atry.
Here's the thing if you keepyourself in isolation, if you
(21:53):
stay in hermit mode, if younever come out from your cave,
how do you actually know howhealed?
You have become?
How do you know how far you haveprogressed?
How do you know what's left thatyou still need to work on?
You see, it is not until you'reback out in the weeds that you
(22:14):
are back out on the field, thatyou are putting yourself out
into the world and on the marketand dating and interacting with
other human beings that youactually have the opportunity to
see.
Well, how did you respond thistime?
Or, wow, something like thatused to really trigger me 10
(22:34):
years ago, but I'm actually okaywith it right now.
And it's through theself-awareness and observation
that you pick up, wow, I'mreally okay with this, or this
is still bothering me.
Let me see how I can navigatethis.
Now, this is not to take awayfrom, you know, if you're in a
(22:57):
relationship or a situation withsomeone and they do something
shitty.
I'm not trying to minimize that.
What I am trying to get at isthat when you're taking radical
responsibility for yourself andfor your part and for your
participation in something,that's different.
(23:18):
And that's where you could say,Oh, you know what?
I still have a little bit ofwork to do on this.
And, you know, sometimes peoplewill say, like, oh, I'm afraid
of getting hurt again.
Guess what?
You're gonna get hurt.
That is a part of life.
If you are always living withthis armor around yourself, with
this protective shield over yourheart, and you're closed off to
(23:42):
the world, unfortunately foryou, you are also going to miss
the amazing opportunities fromgood people because you don't
want to let anyone in.
And that's the hard part aboutbeing in your healing journey,
allowing yourself to bevulnerable, allowing yourself to
be seen, allowing to be exposedand to be out there.
(24:06):
You have to become resilient totake the good and the bad.
You have to recognize where thiscould be really bad if you
choose to hurt me, but I'm gonnatell you how I feel anyway.
And I am scared, and I'm alsogoing to continue moving forward
(24:31):
through this.
And that is the work of somebodywho's really done some
introspection.
Maybe they did some therapy,maybe they've done a lot of
therapy.
But you can you can sense alevel of maturity and a sort of
refreshed perspective on things.
Now, this is not in any sort ofway to make anyone feel
(24:56):
uncomfortable or to be pushy oraggressive.
You do need to make sure thatyou're okay before you put
yourself out there again.
But remember that healing itdoesn't have a finish line.
It's not a book that you'regonna turn the page and then
never look back.
It is an ongoing journey.
I always describe healing assort of a spiral staircase and
(25:20):
you're climbing up thestaircase.
Now, if you've ever been in ahome or in a building where
there's a spiral staircase, itis so interesting because you're
climbing up this staircase andyou're passing by certain walls
or pieces of artwork or scenery,and you're you're continuing to
(25:42):
pass by it over and over andover again because you're moving
in a circular pattern, but youare actually going up as you're
going around in this circularpattern.
And so, yes, you're going toencounter people, places,
things, circumstances, eventsthat are similar or that remind
you of something from your past.
(26:02):
And how will you respond thistime?
That's really the magical part.
So give yourself a little pat onthe back, give yourself some
credit, remind yourself thatyes, the world can be a scary
place, and you are still gonnaset foot and get out there
because the world's a betterplace when you're out there and
(26:25):
living in it.
So let's go back and think aboutwhat we talked about today and
how you're gonna think aboutsome of these things maybe a
little bit differently, okay?
First, I want you to findsomething consistent.
Maybe it's the gym, somethingphysical, something that brings
you back down into your body.
(26:45):
I know you hear me say that alot.
You wanna move through theseemotions, okay?
Similar to grief, similar to anytype of intense emotion, it is
in your body and you're notgonna get away from it.
So when you suppress youremotions, you're literally just
closing them off and you'resuppressing them.
(27:06):
They're still in you.
If you are expressing yourself,if you are moving your body, if
you are talking about whatyou're feeling, if you are
allowing yourself to shed tears,to laugh, to cry, to scream, to
punch a pillow, to dance, tokick something, or just kick in
the air, you're actually movingthat energy around, and that's a
(27:27):
good thing.
Now, next, I want you to namewhat it is you're waiting for.
So this may be a little outsidethe box, but if you're holding
on to something or if you'rethinking about when you're gonna
actually be ready and what thatready would look like, I want
you to take a pen and paper andgive it a name and think about
what you are waiting for?
(27:50):
What do you want to feel?
What do you need to see?
What do you need permission forbefore you actually take action,
before you actually feel ready,before you actually can say to
yourself, okay, I'm good withthis whole thing.
I'm ready to move on with mylife.
(28:11):
And then the third thing, I wantyou to take a big step back and
then think about how you'regonna go back out into the
world.
It's not a crazy re-entry,you're not a it's not a big
splash, it's not oneconversation, it's a lot of
conversations, it's a date, it'sa session with a therapist, it's
(28:35):
making new friends, it'sintroducing yourself to a
stranger.
And the more that you putyourself out there in these
small and little ways, thebetter you're going to feel and
the easier it will become.
And that big wall that you seein front of you is now shrinking
down and getting smaller asyou're walking towards it.
(28:56):
So I talked about thisdevastating heartbreak in 2009,
which I'm actually so gratefulfor because I love who I have
become since then.
And I'm glad that no one came tosave me.
Someone did come to save metoday because I had a giant
screw in my tire, but that's adifferent kind of saving.
(29:20):
But what I meant is like no onewas coming to save me in my life
to be my hero, to sweep me offmy feet and wipe everything away
and say it's all gonna be okay,I can take care of you, and you
don't have to worry, and youdon't have to cry, and you don't
have to work ever again.
I mean, would I love for that tohappen?
I think we all might to somedegree.
But to know that the mostimportant person that can save
(29:42):
you is you, that's actuallyreally powerful.
Now, the best version of me.
I am her because I figured itout.
I am the best version of mebecause I got the help of a
professional.
I am the best version of mebecause I let go of so many bad
(30:05):
habits and people that reallydidn't care about me.
And I stopped doing things withpeople who were truly just there
because it was convenient, butthey weren't actually interested
in being a part of my life or ofreally looking out for me.
And so as you get older in life,you will realize that there are
(30:27):
people who are your friendsbecause they genuinely care and
they are interested in being ina part of your life.
And then there are people whoare friends out of convenience
or circumstance.
And I'm not saying that they'reall bad people, but when you get
a flat tire and somebody has tocome to the road to help you
(30:48):
out, who are those people foryou?
Can you think of anyone?
And if you can't, maybe it'stime you met some new people
somewhere else.
Maybe it's time that you cameout of your shell and introduced
yourself to someone.
Maybe it's time you put a littlebit of effort and work into the
(31:10):
relationships that you reallycare about so that you can have
a good experience in your life.
You could have strongconnections with these people
that you can pour into peopleand they can pour into you.
If this episode landed for you,I would love for you to leave me
(31:31):
a review and let me know.
If you scroll down to the bottomof the show notes, you'll see
how you can leave me a review.
It helps boost the show'stransparency so that other
people can discover this showand they can join us and be a
part of our community.
And I'd love for you to come andfind me.
I hang out mostly on Instagramand you can check the show notes
(31:54):
to see how to find me onInstagram and send me a DM so
that we can stay in touch.
Again, if you love this episode,please give me a review, help me
out.
I'll see you on Instagram, and Iwill catch you on the next one.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome to the show.
I'm your host, Tiana, and onthis episode, I'm going to
remind you why you need torescue yourself.
Now, the ironic part is I wroteout my outline for this episode
(00:52):
yesterday, and then I got a flattire.
And I did get help.
Someone very important to meinconvenienced themselves, came
to me, took the completely flattire off my car, put the donut
on, and helped me out.
And I just want to say I amforever grateful and I'm so
(01:14):
appreciative of the people thatI have in my life.
And I also am appreciative ofthe times when I didn't have as
much help or a support system.
And that's what we're reallygoing to dive into and talk
about today.
Now, by the end of this episode,you will walk away with a couple
of ideas for things that you cando and ideas you can either
(01:38):
think about or journal on orreflect upon to change the way
you think about instances whereyou're really struggling, you're
really looking for help, and youare hoping that somebody will
come and save you.
I want to take us back to a timewhen I was at a very low point
(01:59):
in my life.
In the spring of 2009, I waspreparing for a comeback to the
bodybuilding stage, gettingready for a figure competition.
I was in a tumultuousrelationship that I would say we
had a lot of ups and downs.
And at this point, I was sofocused on myself and on what I
(02:21):
needed to do to get ready for myshow that I was neglecting
certain aspects of therelationship.
Now, the reality is therelationship was doomed for a
while.
We were just holding on andtrying to make it work as long
as we could.
And me focusing on myself andpreparing for my competition was
(02:42):
really the wedge that split usapart.
But there were already a ton ofcracks, and it was literally
broken before I decided to dothe show.
And I remember hitting a wall.
Things had come to a head inthis relationship.
I was one week out from gettingon stage.
(03:04):
I kind of bottled up my emotionsand I told my soon-to-be-ex,
like, listen, I really need tofocus.
I can't even worry about thisrelationship right now.
I'm gonna do what I need to dofor this final week.
We call that peak week.
I expect you to be at the show.
Uh, and then maybe afterwards wecan sit down and really talk
(03:27):
about what needs to happen asfar as next steps.
That time came and went.
We split up.
It was devastating.
And it was absolutely not what Iwanted at the time, but it was
exactly what I needed because Ineeded to do more work on
(03:50):
myself.
I needed to get out ofrelationships where I was
feeling neglected.
And when you are thinking aboutthe relationships in your life,
friendships, workingrelationships, client coach
relationships, romanticrelationships, and you start
(04:14):
thinking about the similaritiesamong all of these people, past
or present, the commondenominator is you.
So if you're noticing a trend oryou're seeing recurring patterns
in people's behaviors, I wouldask you to take a look at
(04:34):
yourself.
What is it about you that isdrawing these types of people to
you?
And what does it say about youas far as what you will allow or
tolerate in your life?
Now, this is not an attack onyou, but this is really more of
coming from a place of gentlecuriosity and exploration.
(04:59):
Now, it's 2009.
I just did a show, I won theoverall title.
I should be happy and joyous andcelebrating, and I was for a
short period of time.
And I also was absolutelydevastated because I had to end
this relationship that was notgood for me anymore.
And it was not what I wanted,but it was what I needed, as I
(05:21):
said.
And I just remember thinking,you know, someone needs to come
and fix this, someone needs tocome and pull me out of this,
someone needs to come and helpme.
And I waited.
And I waited some more.
And then I realized, you knowwhat?
Nobody is coming.
(05:42):
Nobody is coming to save me.
Nobody is going to make this allbetter.
Nobody is going to wipe thisaway clean.
No one is going to pull me outof this slump.
Except for me.
You see, nobody was coming.
And that was probably thegreatest gift I ever received.
(06:04):
Because that was the beginningof a life-changing
transformation.
That was the beginning ofeverything for me.
Now, the heartbreak that I feltwasn't just about losing a
person in my life, but it wasalso about me losing a version
(06:25):
of myself that I thought that Iwas.
It was about giving up a ton offriends.
When you're in a relationshipfor a long period of time, your
lives become interwoven andentangled with each other.
And it's not as simplenecessarily as just saying
you're done and moving on withyour life.
I'm sure in some instances thatis true, regardless of your age
(06:48):
or where you're at in your life.
But for many of us, we get intothese relationships, you meet
the other person's friends, theymeet your friends, you may do
some holidays together, or youmay split your time on holidays
and spend part of the day at oneperson's house and then the
other part of the day with theother.
You may get close with theirsiblings or their cousins or
(07:09):
their aunts or their network offriends, their community, their
professional network, you neverknow, is very common,
particularly in New York City.
You know, people from the officeare gonna go to happy hour and
they bring their significantothers.
Like that's not uncommon.
So you're undoing all of thesethings that you once were.
(07:33):
And the instinct is to wait.
Wouldn't it be great if somebodycould just show up and wipe
everything clean?
Wouldn't it be amazing to havesomeone come and comfort you and
say, it's gonna be okay?
And that quiet, uncomfortablerealization that you are
absolutely the only person whocan do that for yourself is a
(07:56):
relief and it's alsodisappointing in the same
breath.
And that's where the gym came infor me.
So, yes, I was already going tothe gym, I was already uh maniac
with the workouts, I wascompeting after I won this
particular show in June of 2009in New York City.
(08:17):
I was on a wave, I was on ahigh.
Facebook was pretty new forpeople who were not in college.
So I created a Facebook page.
I was getting hundreds ofrequests per day.
I was letting in anyone who wasin the bodybuilding world.
There was a lot of hype.
At this point in time, therewere um forums, there were
forums for each muscle magazine.
(08:39):
So there was muscularmusculardevelopment.com, there
was uh, I believebodybuilding.com, there was also
another website.
Oh my goodness, I can't think ofthe name.
Species, which was a supplementcompany, and they also had a
message board.
There was a ton.
So there was a lot of internetactivity happening and people
(09:03):
crossing over.
So they would meet you in aforum and then look for your
Facebook page, or they wouldfind you in an ad in an online
magazine and then look for yourFacebook page and so on.
And so there was a lot of buzzbecause I was pretty much a
nobody.
I didn't have any social mediapresence, and it that was still
(09:23):
not a huge thing back in thattime, but industry connections
were valid, and I didn't haveany.
I had not done any showsrecently, so I really was like a
sleeper that showed up and sweptthe show, took it all.
There was a lot of buzz aboutthat.
I I definitely caused someripples, I hurt some feelings,
(09:46):
and I was riding that wave.
And so in the external, I wassmiling, I was joyous, I was
happy, I was celebrating, andthen internally I was grieving,
I was sad, I was trying to getover, you know, the loss of what
I thought my life was supposedto be, or the ideas that I had
(10:07):
in my mind.
And when all the dust settled,the lights were down, the the
paint had worn off my, you know,my my tan had worn off my body.
Not the paint, my tan.
Although you do paint the tanon, so that's probably why I
said that.
You put the glittery bikini backon the hanger and hang it up,
(10:29):
and now it's time to get back tolife.
And so it was after the next fewshows, which I did two more that
same summer, and then I hung itup for the season, that things
really started to fall intoplace as far as these
realizations of how much changeI was about to face.
(10:51):
And that's where the gym helpedme completely because now I was
aware of what I was capable of.
I was pushing myself harder inthe gym.
I was working out with adifferent type of intensity
because I wasn't getting readyfor the stage for several
months.
So it was my off season.
So I was going hard.
I was trying to keep as muchmuscle, if not gain muscle, in
(11:14):
that time.
And while it was extremelycomforting and soothing, and I
was pushing myself, it was alsoa constant when I felt like so
many other parts of my life werefalling apart.
Now, something I really want tohighlight here is that I went
back to therapy.
(11:36):
And this is really important.
I had been in and out of therapyas a kid.
I think my first therapy sessionever, I was eight years old.
I went in and out for a fewsessions in elementary school,
maybe one or two in middleschool due to some trauma that I
faced in my family.
And then as an adult, I wentback in 2009 and I went
(11:59):
hardcore.
We're talking two sessions aweek for a good amount of time.
And it was life-changing,absolutely life-changing.
Now, I could probably talk forhours about how therapy changed
my life and what it did for me,but I don't want to go down that
(12:20):
rabbit hole today.
I want to make thatrecommendation to you.
If you're struggling and youneed support, I would get the
help of a qualifiedprofessional.
Listen to me very carefully.
People who are coaches and whohave certifications are not the
same thing as a licensedtherapist.
So please make sure you'rechecking the credentials of any
(12:42):
person that you decide you'regoing to work with, that you're
going to divulge your life to,and that you're going to pay for
their services.
Those coaches and thecertifications are good and
they're great, but you need toknow what you're working with up
front.
All right.
What I want to do with thisepisode is just share with you
what my personal experience wasin these times and this period
(13:08):
of 2009 going into 2010 wasreally a huge shift for me.
Because that realization of noone coming, no one is coming to
save me.
And why that's not a tragedy,that was huge.
You know, we we tell ourselvesthese stories, we make up these
(13:30):
ideas in our mind.
And especially aroundrelationships, sometimes things
happen to you or or someonepulls you through it.
But the more liberating truthhere is that rescuing yourself
is a choice you have to make.
(13:50):
And it's going to be somethingyou're going to have to decide
for yourself more often thanonce or even twice in your life.
You're going to be faced withthousands of challenges.
And it is important to recognizethat everything you need to get
you through it, you have withinyou.
What a therapist or a licensedprofessional will be able to do
(14:12):
is to help you reframe how youthink about those things.
So first you unpack all of thisstuff.
And then you start to look atthings through a new lens with
tools that you get from theprofessional that you're working
with.
So they're not technically goingto tell you what to do next or
(14:37):
give you scripts or make all ofthese recommendations.
Typically, they're going to askyou things like, how did that
make you feel?
And what would you likedifferently?
And give you suggestions for howyou're going to handle that the
(14:59):
next time, or how are you goingto bring this up the next time
it comes up and you don't wantto do the same thing you did
before?
You're trying to change yourpatterns.
So if you're trying to changeyour patterns, then of course it
has to come from within you andnot from someone outside of you,
which is why I say again, no oneis coming to save you.
(15:22):
Now you have to realize thatlife is messy.
This is messy.
Sorting through all this stuffis messy.
And it's okay.
It's okay to be stuck in themiddle.
It's okay to be messy.
It's okay to not have it allfigured out because life keeps
going, the clock keeps ticking,you have to keep moving forward.
(15:43):
And you can give it a name andyou can say, all right, well,
I'm in the process of shiftingthis thing in my life, but I'm
not really done yet.
And that's okay.
And you can give yourselfpermission to operate within
that mess.
Now I want to be clear (16:00):
asking for help is not the same as
waiting for someone to come andsave you.
That's not really a rescue fromthe outside.
That is a way for you to godeeper within yourself and maybe
put a different pair of glasseson when you're looking at your
(16:20):
stuff.
I think that's how I would liketo frame that for you.
Now, when we're talking aboutthe gym, and my assumption is
that if you're listening to thisshow, you probably work out in
some capacity.
And I, if not, it's never toolate to start.
People tend to look at fitnessas some type of punishment.
(16:42):
They either want to change theway they look, they want to lose
weight, they want to fixsomething, they want to earn
something, they want to erasesomething, they want to repair
something.
And the gym can become somethingcompletely different for you and
in a different season of yourlife.
And that's absolutely okay.
(17:03):
The gym doesn't ask anything ofyou except for your presence,
your effort, and that you'reshowing up on a regular basis.
The gym will give you backevidence of your own capacity.
I'm gonna say that again.
The gym will give you backevidence of your own capacity.
(17:25):
So what the gym was for me inthat season in 2009, after I was
done with my shows and lookingto put on a little bit of size
is a different, it's a differentstimulus.
It was a different purpose.
It gave me something differentfrom let's say what I'm using
the gym for now.
The bar, the weights, theequipment, all of that is
(17:48):
consistent.
But what it meant to me issomething different.
And and that's really the keytakeaway here.
It's a safe space, it doesn'thave to always be punishment.
And the other part of this isyou don't have to knock it out
of the park every time.
You've heard me say it a milliontimes, done is better than
(18:09):
perfect.
You've heard me say something isbetter than nothing.
So maybe your best today isreally only about 50%.
But if you give me a hundred ofthat 50%, I'm okay with that.
Because you dug deep and youfound whatever you could for me
on that day in the gym.
Do you understand?
Now, there's a reason why you'veheard about movement is
(18:34):
medicine.
You want to move stagnantenergy, you want to get down
into your body.
It is helpful, especially fortrauma recovery, to do what is
called somatic healing.
So that would be similar to likedancing or getting into a flow.
And you can find whatever flowis suitable for you, and that is
(18:55):
gonna do the trick.
But remember, it's about how youframe it, it's about how you see
it, it's about how you thinkabout it.
You define what that is foryourself, and no one else can.
Now, lastly, and this isprobably the biggest point of
all in this episode (19:14):
if you walk away with anything, let it be
this.
You do not have to be fullyhealed to come back into
reality, to come back into yourlife, to come back out from
hiding, to pull yourself out ofthat cave.
(19:34):
First of all, there's no suchthing as being fully healed.
That is a lie, that is afallacy, that is a story we tell
ourselves.
There is no such thing.
But you can step out into theworld as a work in progress.
You could be healing.
And something that I'm guiltyof, I know other people are
(19:57):
guilty of it too, is they'llsay, like, oh, I'm not ready
yet.
I need to work on this rightnow, or I'll put myself back out
there once I'm whole.
A lot of times people will say,like, when they're recovering
from a breakup or they wentthrough something traumatic or
difficult, you know, maybe theyneed time.
And yes, we want to respectsomeone's wishes and also
(20:20):
recognize that you may neverfeel fully ready.
So sometimes you'll you'll hearstories about people that meet
and they have a greatconnection, things are going
well.
And then all of a sudden, maybethey're not moving at the same
pace anymore.
They're not moving in the samedirection.
And one party says, you know,I'm enjoying your company, but I
(20:45):
really need to focus on myselfright now.
I need to take care of a coupleof things.
So I'm not looking for acommitment.
And that could be absolutelyvalid and true.
And you have to respect that.
Just say, okay, cool.
If you're working on yourself,you know, good luck.
(21:06):
And let it go and move on withyour life.
Now that's hard for a lot ofpeople to do, and again, this
could be a whole separate, thiscould be a whole ever opposite
uh podcast series talking aboutwhat people say and what they
mean, especially in datingculture.
But that is not my expertise,and there's hundreds of other
(21:29):
podcasts you you can listen tofor that.
What I want you to walk awaywith is to recognize that you
can be healing and also feelgood enough to step back out
into the world and to give it atry.
Here's the thing if you keepyourself in isolation, if you
(21:53):
stay in hermit mode, if younever come out from your cave,
how do you actually know howhealed?
You have become?
How do you know how far you haveprogressed?
How do you know what's left thatyou still need to work on?
You see, it is not until you'reback out in the weeds that you
(22:14):
are back out on the field, thatyou are putting yourself out
into the world and on the marketand dating and interacting with
other human beings that youactually have the opportunity to
see.
Well, how did you respond thistime?
Or, wow, something like thatused to really trigger me 10
(22:34):
years ago, but I'm actually okaywith it right now.
And it's through theself-awareness and observation
that you pick up, wow, I'mreally okay with this, or this
is still bothering me.
Let me see how I can navigatethis.
Now, this is not to take awayfrom, you know, if you're in a
(22:57):
relationship or a situation withsomeone and they do something
shitty.
I'm not trying to minimize that.
What I am trying to get at isthat when you're taking radical
responsibility for yourself andfor your part and for your
participation in something,that's different.
(23:18):
And that's where you could say,Oh, you know what?
I still have a little bit ofwork to do on this.
And, you know, sometimes peoplewill say, like, oh, I'm afraid
of getting hurt again.
Guess what?
You're gonna get hurt.
That is a part of life.
If you are always living withthis armor around yourself, with
this protective shield over yourheart, and you're closed off to
(23:42):
the world, unfortunately foryou, you are also going to miss
the amazing opportunities fromgood people because you don't
want to let anyone in.
And that's the hard part aboutbeing in your healing journey,
allowing yourself to bevulnerable, allowing yourself to
be seen, allowing to be exposedand to be out there.
(24:06):
You have to become resilient totake the good and the bad.
You have to recognize where thiscould be really bad if you
choose to hurt me, but I'm gonnatell you how I feel anyway.
And I am scared, and I'm alsogoing to continue moving forward
(24:31):
through this.
And that is the work of somebodywho's really done some
introspection.
Maybe they did some therapy,maybe they've done a lot of
therapy.
But you can you can sense alevel of maturity and a sort of
refreshed perspective on things.
Now, this is not in any sort ofway to make anyone feel
(24:56):
uncomfortable or to be pushy oraggressive.
You do need to make sure thatyou're okay before you put
yourself out there again.
But remember that healing itdoesn't have a finish line.
It's not a book that you'regonna turn the page and then
never look back.
It is an ongoing journey.
I always describe healing assort of a spiral staircase and
(25:20):
you're climbing up thestaircase.
Now, if you've ever been in ahome or in a building where
there's a spiral staircase, itis so interesting because you're
climbing up this staircase andyou're passing by certain walls
or pieces of artwork or scenery,and you're you're continuing to
(25:42):
pass by it over and over andover again because you're moving
in a circular pattern, but youare actually going up as you're
going around in this circularpattern.
And so, yes, you're going toencounter people, places,
things, circumstances, eventsthat are similar or that remind
you of something from your past.
(26:02):
And how will you respond thistime?
That's really the magical part.
So give yourself a little pat onthe back, give yourself some
credit, remind yourself thatyes, the world can be a scary
place, and you are still gonnaset foot and get out there
because the world's a betterplace when you're out there and
(26:25):
living in it.
So let's go back and think aboutwhat we talked about today and
how you're gonna think aboutsome of these things maybe a
little bit differently, okay?
First, I want you to findsomething consistent.
Maybe it's the gym, somethingphysical, something that brings
you back down into your body.
(26:45):
I know you hear me say that alot.
You wanna move through theseemotions, okay?
Similar to grief, similar to anytype of intense emotion, it is
in your body and you're notgonna get away from it.
So when you suppress youremotions, you're literally just
closing them off and you'resuppressing them.
(27:06):
They're still in you.
If you are expressing yourself,if you are moving your body, if
you are talking about whatyou're feeling, if you are
allowing yourself to shed tears,to laugh, to cry, to scream, to
punch a pillow, to dance, tokick something, or just kick in
the air, you're actually movingthat energy around, and that's a
(27:27):
good thing.
Now, next, I want you to namewhat it is you're waiting for.
So this may be a little outsidethe box, but if you're holding
on to something or if you'rethinking about when you're gonna
actually be ready and what thatready would look like, I want
you to take a pen and paper andgive it a name and think about
what you are waiting for?
(27:50):
What do you want to feel?
What do you need to see?
What do you need permission forbefore you actually take action,
before you actually feel ready,before you actually can say to
yourself, okay, I'm good withthis whole thing.
I'm ready to move on with mylife.
(28:11):
And then the third thing, I wantyou to take a big step back and
then think about how you'regonna go back out into the
world.
It's not a crazy re-entry,you're not a it's not a big
splash, it's not oneconversation, it's a lot of
conversations, it's a date, it'sa session with a therapist, it's
(28:35):
making new friends, it'sintroducing yourself to a
stranger.
And the more that you putyourself out there in these
small and little ways, thebetter you're going to feel and
the easier it will become.
And that big wall that you seein front of you is now shrinking
down and getting smaller asyou're walking towards it.
(28:56):
So I talked about thisdevastating heartbreak in 2009,
which I'm actually so gratefulfor because I love who I have
become since then.
And I'm glad that no one came tosave me.
Someone did come to save metoday because I had a giant
screw in my tire, but that's adifferent kind of saving.
(29:20):
But what I meant is like no onewas coming to save me in my life
to be my hero, to sweep me offmy feet and wipe everything away
and say it's all gonna be okay,I can take care of you, and you
don't have to worry, and youdon't have to cry, and you don't
have to work ever again.
I mean, would I love for that tohappen?
I think we all might to somedegree.
But to know that the mostimportant person that can save
(29:42):
you is you, that's actuallyreally powerful.
Now, the best version of me.
I am her because I figured itout.
I am the best version of mebecause I got the help of a
professional.
I am the best version of mebecause I let go of so many bad
(30:05):
habits and people that reallydidn't care about me.
And I stopped doing things withpeople who were truly just there
because it was convenient, butthey weren't actually interested
in being a part of my life or ofreally looking out for me.
And so as you get older in life,you will realize that there are
(30:27):
people who are your friendsbecause they genuinely care and
they are interested in being ina part of your life.
And then there are people whoare friends out of convenience
or circumstance.
And I'm not saying that they'reall bad people, but when you get
a flat tire and somebody has tocome to the road to help you
(30:48):
out, who are those people foryou?
Can you think of anyone?
And if you can't, maybe it'stime you met some new people
somewhere else.
Maybe it's time that you cameout of your shell and introduced
yourself to someone.
Maybe it's time you put a littlebit of effort and work into the
(31:10):
relationships that you reallycare about so that you can have
a good experience in your life.
You could have strongconnections with these people
that you can pour into peopleand they can pour into you.
If this episode landed for you,I would love for you to leave me
(31:31):
a review and let me know.
If you scroll down to the bottomof the show notes, you'll see
how you can leave me a review.
It helps boost the show'stransparency so that other
people can discover this showand they can join us and be a
part of our community.
And I'd love for you to come andfind me.
I hang out mostly on Instagramand you can check the show notes
(31:54):
to see how to find me onInstagram and send me a DM so
that we can stay in touch.
Again, if you love this episode,please give me a review, help me
out.
I'll see you on Instagram, and Iwill catch you on the next one.
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Betrayal Weekly is back for a new season. Every Thursday, Betrayal Weekly shares first-hand accounts of broken trust, shocking deceptions, and the trail of destruction they leave behind. Hosted by Andrea Gunning, this weekly ongoing series digs into real-life stories of betrayal and the aftermath. From stories of double lives to dark discoveries, these are cautionary tales and accounts of resilience against all odds. From the producers of the critically acclaimed Betrayal series, Betrayal Weekly drops new episodes every Thursday. If you would like to share your story, you can reach out to the Betrayal Team by emailing them at betrayalpod@gmail.com and follow us on Instagram at @betrayalpod and @glasspodcasts. Please join our Substack for additional exclusive content, curated book recommendations, and community discussions. Sign up FREE by clicking this link Beyond Betrayal Substack. Join our community dedicated to truth, resilience, and healing. Your voice matters! Be a part of our Betrayal journey on Substack.