June 7, 2026 • 28 mins
I grew up in a traditional Japanese Shotokan dojo, studied dance, and then poured myself into academics and career with a level of intensity I'd now call maniacal.
This episode is about the pain tolerance that I built — how it became the engine behind everything from bodybuilding competition prep to climbing the corporate ladder, and the moment I realized it had also cost me something.
I get into what it means to be so good at enduring that you forget you're allowed to stop, the difference between discipline and control, and why making peace with your greatest strength means seeing its shadow too.
If you've ever been told you work too hard and took it as a compliment — this one's for you.
If you want the deeper lessons behind strength training, join my newsletter called Between Reps: Building the Unbreakable Woman. Check it out HERE
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Email: info@unbreakablemb.com
Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
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SPEAKER_00 (00:07):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome to the show.
I am your host, Tiana, and onthis episode, we're going to
dive into what really happenswhen you get really, really good
at enduring and you don't knowhow to turn it off.
(00:51):
I'm going to say that again.
What happens when you get reallygood at enduring, like enduring
something, and you don't knowhow to turn it off?
So on this episode, we're goingto dive into this question and
really explore what happens whenyou build a pain tolerance for
(01:12):
yourself or when you cultivatediscipline, which most of the
time is reflected in a positivelight, and how too much of that
can actually become a negative.
And what do you do in thatinstance?
How do you recognize the signsand get off the ride and
maintain control of your life?
(01:32):
Now, in order for us to reallydive into this, I need to take
you back in time and tell youabout my upbringing and how it's
not a mystery to me at thispoint, but how I time after time
after time always chose to dodifficult things.
I would always set the bar veryhigh for myself.
(01:53):
I would always choose the mostdifficult thing first.
And much to my detriment, I havealways been laser beam focused
on whatever task or objective orgoal or vision that I have set
out for myself, almost in amaniacal fashion.
Now I grew up in a karateschool, and I don't mean that I
took lessons on Saturdaymornings and my cute little gi
(02:16):
and my belt that I learned howto tie.
No, no.
My father owned a traditionalJapanese Shotokan dojo, and that
was the foundation for my worldand for my existence.
And from the karate school, Ithen shifted into dance
training.
And then from dance, I buriedmyself in my academics.
And from my academics, and thenbecame the most ambitious person
(02:38):
you would ever meet once I gotinto the real world.
And then I discovered competingin bodybuilding.
And so as you can see, there isthis common thread, this ongoing
energy, this vibration ofeverything always being really,
really hard.
Because I knew that if I couldsucceed at something really,
(02:59):
really hard, I would be wellprepared for things that were a
little bit easier.
So let's go back in time, right?
So we're we're thinking aboutthe karate school.
And at this point, I want to saythe karate school I remember the
most vividly.
I was probably in first orsecond grade, maybe second grade
(03:22):
when my dad opened this karateschool.
And from second grade all theway through seventh grade, most
of seventh grade, we, meaning mybrother and myself, we would go
to the karate school afterschool and we'd hang out there.
We'd usually have a snack fromthe deli, maybe um something
(03:44):
like a chocolate hostess cupcakeor some type of treat and
something to drink.
And then we would eventuallychange into our ghee and get
ready for the kids' classes.
And I remember there was alwaysa younger kid class and then a
bigger kid class.
And then usually after that, hewould drive us home and then we
(04:06):
we wound up moving closer to thekarate school and we could just
walk home.
Um, but I I spent a lot of mylife in this place.
I remember the sound of thewooden floor.
It had this sort of creak to it.
And the way that we, I say welike I did it, the way that my
dad had the floor constructed,it was almost like a floating
(04:29):
floor.
So it had a lot of give to it,which made it nice when you are
doing kata or when you'refighting on the floor because
you're barefoot.
Uh, and when you were doinganything with any sort of jump
or anything with impact, it didnot hurt as much.
Uh, it was a little bit nicer onthe joints.
But I remember the way this roomwould smell, especially when the
(04:51):
adults would start warming up inthere.
And, you know, we wore thesewhite ghis.
Sometimes my dad would wear ablack one.
If he had a black belt visiting,they would probably wear a black
ghee as well.
And we had a lot of differentcustoms and traditions.
You took your shoes off beforeyou walked in, you bowed at the
(05:12):
door, you bowed to every blackbelt in the room, you
acknowledged the other people inthe space.
You bowed again if you had toleave the room.
When you were spoken to, therewere certain phrases you would
use.
There was a tonality to it,there were certain Japanese
words and phrases that we had tolearn and that we could only
(05:34):
speak in Japanese when we wantedto say them.
Uh, and there was just a lot oftension and structure, and it's
not like the discipline wastaught to you, it was the
default.
You had to have discipline, youhad to be strict, you needed to
(05:55):
adhere to all of the rules, tothe policy, to the vibe, to the
culture.
Now, let me just say that thiswas very confusing for me as a
child because my dad, outside ofthe karate school, was very
goofy and very funny, veryplayful, kind of immature.
He had me very young.
(06:16):
And we did not have a lot ofstructure and rules at home.
But in the karate school,everything was different.
So it was almost like we hadthis, these two extremes that we
all existed in because he wasstill my dad, but in the karate
school, I had to call himsensei.
And I had to speak to him justlike everyone else did.
(06:39):
I did not get any specialtreatment.
In fact, I probably got treatedworse because I was his daughter
and he would use me as anexample.
Um I've remember one time usingme, he used me as a demo person,
and he kind of like threw meinto a sheetrock wall.
Dramatic effects, uh, probably10 out of 10.
(07:02):
Uh, emotional impact on me,horrible.
And I've remember everything thepostures, the silence, the way
we had to sit kneeling.
We couldn't move, we couldn'tflinch, we couldn't blink our
eyes.
If you had, you know, sweatdripping down your face, you
just had to let it drip, youcouldn't wipe your sweat off.
(07:23):
If you, you know, got a bloodynose, you just let it bleed all
over the place.
I mean, it was crazy.
And yes, this was in the early80s, and I think there's a
different level of awareness andsafety now, but also it was to
the extreme.
Now, I want to be clear.
I don't want to paint thispicture of any sort of abuse
(07:46):
because it is a karate schooland that we're talking about, I
mean, and those things preparedme for the real world.
They gave me uh a level ofmental toughness, they gave me a
way to protect myself, it gaveme courage in certain instances,
(08:06):
even now as an adult, and Idefinitely feel like I have a
little bit more of an edge whenI'm out in public, when I'm in a
crowded place, having awareness,knowing my surroundings, and all
of that comes from my very reallived experiences as a kid.
(08:26):
But at some point, I got kind oftired of the karate.
And with my dad going to jailwhen I was 12, the karate school
obviously shut down, and Iresumed it probably around the
age of 14.
So there was about a year and ahalf, maybe two-year gap.
My uncle started teaching nottoo far from where I lived in
the Bronx.
And so I would go to thatpractice a couple days a week,
(08:51):
and then we wound up movingaway, and it just became too
complicated.
But it also became reallyawkward for me because now I'm a
little bit older.
So I'm closer to 15 and 16 yearsold.
I'm more developed.
There are not as many girls inthe class, so I'm I was always
fighting boys, and I was notintimidated by it, but it did
(09:11):
start to become more and moredifficult because I just did not
want to continuously be fightingwith the boys.
So I had to make a decision, andI chose to put all of my energy
and effort into dance.
Now there was an overlap period,and I will tell you that I wound
up spraining my ankle.
It was my first like real injurybecause I was dancing in a dance
(09:34):
camp all day, and then I wouldgo to karate at night, and it
was just way too much for me,and I was fatigued and
exhausted, and I wound uprolling my right ankle, and it
has never been the same since.
And that was when I was 15.
But pouring myself into dancewas equally as difficult.
You had to keep that disciplinelevel, that commitment.
(09:57):
It was a different art form, butit had the same type of demands
on my body and on my mind, maybeeven more, because there was
stretching, flexibility,technique.
There were so many differentmodalities of dance that I was
studying.
And at times, I remember my momeven asking me, like, did I
(10:21):
really need to go to dance classas much as I did?
I remember when I finallycommitted to dance only, we did
an unlimited sort of membershipat the dance school.
And so for a full school year,my sophomore year, I was going
to the dance school five days aweek, Monday through Thursday,
(10:42):
and on Saturdays.
And when I tell you, I basicallylived there, I loved it, I would
pack different outfits, I wouldhave snacks.
It was my life.
And if I could have, I wouldhave continued dancing all
through college and maybe evengone on to more auditions.
I did audition when I graduatedfrom college and moved back to
the city, but it's hard to go onauditions and be available for
(11:05):
open calls when you have afull-time job.
So that didn't really work outfor me.
But going back to the same sortof pain tolerance, the
discipline, the commitment to besuch a young person and to have
so much drive, I commend myselffor that.
(11:26):
And I also wonder if maybe Icould have had a little bit more
fun when I was younger.
Although I don't have anyregrets.
It's an interesting thought tocontemplate.
And maybe that's something thatyou might relate to at some
point.
Maybe you were committed to asport or an activity and you
realized, like, hey, I'm nothaving fun doing this anymore.
(11:46):
And I missed all of these otherexperiences that other kids had
because I was a practice or Iwas running drills, or I was
traveling for my my team, or Iwas performing.
And then the major shift, thebiggest one of all, was
realizing that I wasn't going tobe a famous dancer.
(12:10):
So I needed to also commit toschool.
And school was for me, it wasthe gateway to everything.
It was my ticket to a betterlife.
It was my ticket to freedom.
Now, make no mistake, I had areally great stepdad, and I was
very fortunate.
My mom and stepdad did the bestthat they could, even dealing
(12:32):
with a, you know, very emotionalteenage girl, really upset about
her dad being in prison.
I think that they did a greatjob and with me and you know,
provided me with a nice life andgave me the ability to get a
great education and then applyfor scholarships and get into a
great college.
But at five years old, beforeany of these changes had
(12:54):
happened in my life, I hadalready made up my mind that I
needed to get good grades inschool so I could get a
scholarship to a good college,so I could get a great degree,
graduate in four years, get ajob, move out, and be my own
boss.
Totally firstborn daughter, andsimilar, uh in a similar
fashion, a lot of Virgos tend tobe like that.
(13:16):
They have a lot of ambition anddrive.
So mix all of that together withthe ability for me to stay
committed to something, theability for me to have the
discipline that I had withkarate, with dance, and now pour
all of that energy and effortinto school and my academics.
You already know I was astraight A student.
(13:36):
And so thinking about the yearsthat I spent in high school and
college, I do wish that I hadmore fun.
I look back at those times andI'm like, man, I was so crazy
about studying and making surethat I got good grades and
putting so much pressure onmyself that I did not allow
(13:57):
myself to enjoy anything.
I remember even the summerbetween my freshman and
sophomore year in college, I hadthe opportunity, which I took to
take a chemistry class at thelocal community college.
And it was basically the wholemonth of June and the whole
month of July.
(14:17):
And you it was chemistry one andtwo.
And I did that because my trackof engineering at the school I
went to, they were going to havemy, I guess, my grade do the two
courses jammed into one.
And it was like Monday,Wednesday, Friday from 8 to
(14:39):
9:30.
And so I got ahead of that, tookthe course over the summer at
the community college, which wasfour days a week for eight
weeks, and that allowed me toget college credits.
They were a little bit cheaperbecause it was community
college, and I was able to sleepin Mondays, Wednesdays, and
Fridays because I had alreadydone the chemistry.
(15:00):
So I think that was a gooddecision on my part.
However, looking back, I misseda whole summer because I was in
school and then I also worked ata local hair salon and I was
like the shampoo girl and I usedto clean and I freaking loved
it.
Side note, if I could go back intime, I would have so many
different careers.
(15:22):
I love hair, I love makeup, Ilove skincare, I love massage, I
also love the food and beveragebusiness.
I know that those are all reallytough industries to be in
because it's all service-based.
But I work in service now.
I'm a personal trainer.
And so, yeah, I have so manyinterests, so many things I
(15:43):
probably could have done and didreally well for myself.
But, you know, all of that is inhindsight, right?
We look back at our life and wethink about should have, would
have, could've, but you didn't.
And I didn't enjoy my summer,and I didn't enjoy college
because I was so busy studying.
And let me tell you, college wasreally hard for me.
(16:07):
I had to study.
I had to be nuts.
I had to be a maniac because Iwas not getting good grades.
I barely, barely, barelysurvived after four years
getting a mechanical engineeringdegree.
It is probably the mostdifficult thing I've ever done.
And a close second to that isthe next thing I wanted to talk
(16:29):
about right now, which isbodybuilding.
And bodybuilding is somethingthat I I discovered towards the
end of college, but I knew I wasgetting myself into some hot
water.
So I figured, you know what,I'll just work out, but I'm not
going to commit to doing anybodybuilding specifically or
any, you know, modelingendeavors until that is all said
(16:51):
and done.
So it was once I got into thereal world, once I got out into
the workforce and I startedmaking a little bit of money, I
got my own gym membership.
I eventually got a car.
And then I could buy my owngroceries, make my own food, go
to the gym.
I wasn't dancing anymore.
I obviously wasn't doing karateanymore either.
(17:13):
And now I'm working and I foundmy new hobby.
So it went from martial arts todance to bodybuilding with a
nice big long break in there.
I did dance in college, but itwas more of an extracurricular
activity that I did twice aweek.
It wasn't something where I wasspending four hours in the
(17:34):
ballet studio.
And I say this long-winded storyabout all of these really hard
things that I chose to dobecause throughout all of these
years, through all of theseexperiences, I I built my pain
tolerance.
I learned how to just keepsuffering.
(17:58):
I would punish myself if Ididn't get good grades, or I
would beat myself up if I didn'tremember choreography to a dance
routine that I needed to presentto my group.
Because my extracurricularactivity in college, we used to
perform every once in a while.
And so I was really hard onmyself no matter what I did.
And there was a part of me thateventually realized, like, girl,
(18:22):
the only person torturing you isyourself.
So going back to the questionthat I asked at the beginning of
this episode, where I said, whathappens when you get really good
at enduring something and youdon't know how to turn it off?
Well, your body is either goingto shut down on you and force
you to turn it off, or you'regonna be faced with a really
(18:46):
hard choice and some difficultconsequences, and you're gonna
have to figure it out.
So, how do you turn it off?
And I think for many of us,there's really something
powerful about like naming thething that you did good or bad,
maybe it's neutral, and thenlooking at it through a
(19:09):
different lens, making peacewith it, realizing that
regardless of if you're happy orupset that you made certain
choices in your past, everythingyou did brought you to this
point right here, right now, andit was meant for you.
So when you're thinking aboutlife, don't ask for an easier
(19:32):
life.
Ask for the strength.
When you want to achievesomething, there's pleasure,
joy, excitement, and a level ofself-respect that you build in
the pursuit of building thething.
We have AI now, which we've hadfor a while, by the way, but
(19:54):
it's really rampantly beingused.
And the truth is it's not amagic pill, it doesn't fix shit
because there's no soul there.
And you could use AI in manycapacities.
I mean, the possibilities areendless for you to ramp up or
(20:16):
speed up your process to getsomewhere, but if it doesn't
have your flavor, if it doesn'thave your soul, and if it
doesn't have your thoughtprocess, your creativity, your
spice, it's going to be veryflat and neutral when you get to
that finish line.
And who cares if you got therefaster?
(20:39):
If you don't know how you gotthere, like if you're on a road
trip and you suddenly blink andyou're at the destination, you
missed the whole point of thejourney, the whole point of
being on a road trip, and youdon't know how you got there, so
you don't know how to get back.
Do you ever think of that?
(21:00):
I think the younger version ofme might be confused about this
episode and be like, you know,why are you talking about this
like it's a negative?
We were always winning.
We had what it took, we got thejob done, we were always on the
A team.
Uh oh, and let me tell you, whenI worked for Lehman Brothers, I
used to complain about this allthe time because my boss and I,
(21:22):
we were always the A team.
So just so you can get a pictureof what I'm talking about here.
So Lehman Brothers, I startedworking for them as a
third-party manager in thespring of 2007.
So they were my client.
My employer was another company.
So Lehman was the client.
(21:42):
And among their portfolio ofoffice locations in Manhattan
and Jersey City, we had I hadone, two, three, four different
locations that fell under myjurisdiction.
So I was the assistant at first.
And then I became the propertymanager.
And then I had someone above me.
(22:04):
And we had the same portfolio.
So he oversaw me and maybe twoother property managers.
So he had like six or seven oreight different properties.
And it still wasn't all of them.
But within the portfolio, myboss and I were always the first
ones to go.
(22:25):
We were always the guinea pigs.
We were always the firstlocations where they would test
run a new initiative.
I'll never forget when theybrought out these really
ridiculous recycling bins.
They wanted to roll out arecycling initiative, which of
course it's admirable.
However, in New York City, backin those times, this was almost
(22:46):
20 years ago, New York City didnot separate at collection.
They would recycle off site.
At least that's what I was told.
So if I have that incorrect,that's what was happening in the
properties we were in.
So we rolled out these recyclingbins and signage.
(23:08):
However, when the cleaningpeople would come through, they
would just throw everything inthe same bin.
And I remember that my boss andI, we were the first properties,
my four little sites, we werethe first location where they
were rolling out the signage,the containers.
We wanted to know how the clientenjoyed the experience, if they
appreciated it, if they hatedit, if it was a waste of their
(23:32):
time, if they thought thesignage was great, if it was on
brand.
And I just remember asking him,why do they always pick us
first?
This is so annoying.
It's giving us so much extrawork.
Like we have other things weneed to be taken care of.
And I remember he looked at meand he said, We're the ATMT.
We are the best.
(23:52):
And that's why.
And it is so admirable to be theones to go first because we're
testing it out.
We're going to tell everybodythe do's and don'ts so that when
they roll out their initiative,they can refine the process.
So they're learning from all ofthe bangs, bruises, and mistakes
(24:13):
that we're making in ourrollout.
And I know that maybe thatsounds great to some people, but
I was like, fuck this.
I'm nobody's guinea pig.
I've got more than enough workto do.
And oh, by the way, picksomebody else.
(24:33):
But anyway, I digress becauseyeah, being able to endure,
being able to do, being the oneto always be willing to go
first, there is somethingadmirable there.
Now, I want to tie all of thistogether because this podcast is
meant for you.
And I always like to give yousome things to nibble on and
(24:55):
process, maybe journal or thinkabout as you're going on your
walk or taking your dog out fora walk.
I want you to think about acouple of things.
First, look at where yourgreatest strength doubles as
your blind spot.
Okay.
The thing that makes youexceptional in one part of your
life might be the same exactthing that's costing you in
(25:16):
another.
I know people who are fabulousat work.
They are the A-team.
But maybe other parts of theirlife, they're suffering.
They don't get to go for walksor go to the gym as much or
spend time with their kids.
You know, I know other peoplewho are thriving at the gym, but
(25:38):
they keep starting and stoppingtheir entrepreneurial journey
or, you know, the offers theywant to put out into the world
or how they make money.
And so this doesn't mean you getrid of the thing that you're
really good at.
It just means you have to gethonest about it and consider
maybe looking at the thing thatyou're the most proud of and
(26:01):
asking yourself, where has thisheld me back in other areas of
my life?
Now, the second thing I want youto do is notice when discipline
becomes control.
They look almost identical fromthe outside, but discipline
serves a purpose.
And control can serve a fear.
So the next time you're grindingsomething and people are around
(26:22):
you are telling you maybe youneed to slow down or you need to
take a pause or you need torethink things.
Ask yourself, am I doing thisbecause it matters, or am I
doing it because if I stop, I'llfeel like a failure?
And lastly, probably the mostimportant takeaway of this
episode is give yourselfpermission to enjoy something
(26:44):
that doesn't produce.
It doesn't produce a result, itdoesn't produce anything.
It doesn't always have to be inservice of a goal or to make
money.
You could go to a concert, youcould book a trip, you could say
yes to something that you'vealways wanted to do, but you
feel silly about it and go anddo that thing.
Your pain tolerance is not goingto diminish and it'll be there
(27:07):
when you get back.
It's not going anywhere.
But the invitation to go livelife might not come around
again.
So really sit with yourself andask yourself if saying no to
everything is serving your souland your heart.
Now, I started this episode offin my dad's karate school.
(27:27):
Shoes off, bowing, saying theright things.
And I want to say at the end ofthis episode, that I wouldn't
trade any of it.
Not the years of karate, ordancing, burying myself in
textbooks, competing inbodybuilding shows, or in my
(27:47):
career.
All of those things built me.
All of those things have made mewho I am today, right now, this
very second.
And the thing that I'm the mostproud of is not the pain
tolerance that I have.
It's the fact that I learned Idon't need to use it all the
time.
It's knowing the differencebetween I can endure this, but I
(28:13):
don't have to.
So if this episode hit home foryou, send it to somebody that
you know could benefit fromlistening to this episode.
And if you want to get in touchwith me, please check the show
notes for all of thepossibilities and ways to do
that.
I have a newsletter, I have anInstagram account, and I'll see
you on the next one.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome to the show.
I am your host, Tiana, and onthis episode, we're going to
dive into what really happenswhen you get really, really good
at enduring and you don't knowhow to turn it off.
(00:51):
I'm going to say that again.
What happens when you get reallygood at enduring, like enduring
something, and you don't knowhow to turn it off?
So on this episode, we're goingto dive into this question and
really explore what happens whenyou build a pain tolerance for
(01:12):
yourself or when you cultivatediscipline, which most of the
time is reflected in a positivelight, and how too much of that
can actually become a negative.
And what do you do in thatinstance?
How do you recognize the signsand get off the ride and
maintain control of your life?
(01:32):
Now, in order for us to reallydive into this, I need to take
you back in time and tell youabout my upbringing and how it's
not a mystery to me at thispoint, but how I time after time
after time always chose to dodifficult things.
I would always set the bar veryhigh for myself.
(01:53):
I would always choose the mostdifficult thing first.
And much to my detriment, I havealways been laser beam focused
on whatever task or objective orgoal or vision that I have set
out for myself, almost in amaniacal fashion.
Now I grew up in a karateschool, and I don't mean that I
took lessons on Saturdaymornings and my cute little gi
(02:16):
and my belt that I learned howto tie.
No, no.
My father owned a traditionalJapanese Shotokan dojo, and that
was the foundation for my worldand for my existence.
And from the karate school, Ithen shifted into dance
training.
And then from dance, I buriedmyself in my academics.
And from my academics, and thenbecame the most ambitious person
(02:38):
you would ever meet once I gotinto the real world.
And then I discovered competingin bodybuilding.
And so as you can see, there isthis common thread, this ongoing
energy, this vibration ofeverything always being really,
really hard.
Because I knew that if I couldsucceed at something really,
(02:59):
really hard, I would be wellprepared for things that were a
little bit easier.
So let's go back in time, right?
So we're we're thinking aboutthe karate school.
And at this point, I want to saythe karate school I remember the
most vividly.
I was probably in first orsecond grade, maybe second grade
(03:22):
when my dad opened this karateschool.
And from second grade all theway through seventh grade, most
of seventh grade, we, meaning mybrother and myself, we would go
to the karate school afterschool and we'd hang out there.
We'd usually have a snack fromthe deli, maybe um something
(03:44):
like a chocolate hostess cupcakeor some type of treat and
something to drink.
And then we would eventuallychange into our ghee and get
ready for the kids' classes.
And I remember there was alwaysa younger kid class and then a
bigger kid class.
And then usually after that, hewould drive us home and then we
(04:06):
we wound up moving closer to thekarate school and we could just
walk home.
Um, but I I spent a lot of mylife in this place.
I remember the sound of thewooden floor.
It had this sort of creak to it.
And the way that we, I say welike I did it, the way that my
dad had the floor constructed,it was almost like a floating
(04:29):
floor.
So it had a lot of give to it,which made it nice when you are
doing kata or when you'refighting on the floor because
you're barefoot.
Uh, and when you were doinganything with any sort of jump
or anything with impact, it didnot hurt as much.
Uh, it was a little bit nicer onthe joints.
But I remember the way this roomwould smell, especially when the
(04:51):
adults would start warming up inthere.
And, you know, we wore thesewhite ghis.
Sometimes my dad would wear ablack one.
If he had a black belt visiting,they would probably wear a black
ghee as well.
And we had a lot of differentcustoms and traditions.
You took your shoes off beforeyou walked in, you bowed at the
(05:12):
door, you bowed to every blackbelt in the room, you
acknowledged the other people inthe space.
You bowed again if you had toleave the room.
When you were spoken to, therewere certain phrases you would
use.
There was a tonality to it,there were certain Japanese
words and phrases that we had tolearn and that we could only
(05:34):
speak in Japanese when we wantedto say them.
Uh, and there was just a lot oftension and structure, and it's
not like the discipline wastaught to you, it was the
default.
You had to have discipline, youhad to be strict, you needed to
(05:55):
adhere to all of the rules, tothe policy, to the vibe, to the
culture.
Now, let me just say that thiswas very confusing for me as a
child because my dad, outside ofthe karate school, was very
goofy and very funny, veryplayful, kind of immature.
He had me very young.
(06:16):
And we did not have a lot ofstructure and rules at home.
But in the karate school,everything was different.
So it was almost like we hadthis, these two extremes that we
all existed in because he wasstill my dad, but in the karate
school, I had to call himsensei.
And I had to speak to him justlike everyone else did.
(06:39):
I did not get any specialtreatment.
In fact, I probably got treatedworse because I was his daughter
and he would use me as anexample.
Um I've remember one time usingme, he used me as a demo person,
and he kind of like threw meinto a sheetrock wall.
Dramatic effects, uh, probably10 out of 10.
(07:02):
Uh, emotional impact on me,horrible.
And I've remember everything thepostures, the silence, the way
we had to sit kneeling.
We couldn't move, we couldn'tflinch, we couldn't blink our
eyes.
If you had, you know, sweatdripping down your face, you
just had to let it drip, youcouldn't wipe your sweat off.
(07:23):
If you, you know, got a bloodynose, you just let it bleed all
over the place.
I mean, it was crazy.
And yes, this was in the early80s, and I think there's a
different level of awareness andsafety now, but also it was to
the extreme.
Now, I want to be clear.
I don't want to paint thispicture of any sort of abuse
(07:46):
because it is a karate schooland that we're talking about, I
mean, and those things preparedme for the real world.
They gave me uh a level ofmental toughness, they gave me a
way to protect myself, it gaveme courage in certain instances,
(08:06):
even now as an adult, and Idefinitely feel like I have a
little bit more of an edge whenI'm out in public, when I'm in a
crowded place, having awareness,knowing my surroundings, and all
of that comes from my very reallived experiences as a kid.
(08:26):
But at some point, I got kind oftired of the karate.
And with my dad going to jailwhen I was 12, the karate school
obviously shut down, and Iresumed it probably around the
age of 14.
So there was about a year and ahalf, maybe two-year gap.
My uncle started teaching nottoo far from where I lived in
the Bronx.
And so I would go to thatpractice a couple days a week,
(08:51):
and then we wound up movingaway, and it just became too
complicated.
But it also became reallyawkward for me because now I'm a
little bit older.
So I'm closer to 15 and 16 yearsold.
I'm more developed.
There are not as many girls inthe class, so I'm I was always
fighting boys, and I was notintimidated by it, but it did
(09:11):
start to become more and moredifficult because I just did not
want to continuously be fightingwith the boys.
So I had to make a decision, andI chose to put all of my energy
and effort into dance.
Now there was an overlap period,and I will tell you that I wound
up spraining my ankle.
It was my first like real injurybecause I was dancing in a dance
(09:34):
camp all day, and then I wouldgo to karate at night, and it
was just way too much for me,and I was fatigued and
exhausted, and I wound uprolling my right ankle, and it
has never been the same since.
And that was when I was 15.
But pouring myself into dancewas equally as difficult.
You had to keep that disciplinelevel, that commitment.
(09:57):
It was a different art form, butit had the same type of demands
on my body and on my mind, maybeeven more, because there was
stretching, flexibility,technique.
There were so many differentmodalities of dance that I was
studying.
And at times, I remember my momeven asking me, like, did I
(10:21):
really need to go to dance classas much as I did?
I remember when I finallycommitted to dance only, we did
an unlimited sort of membershipat the dance school.
And so for a full school year,my sophomore year, I was going
to the dance school five days aweek, Monday through Thursday,
(10:42):
and on Saturdays.
And when I tell you, I basicallylived there, I loved it, I would
pack different outfits, I wouldhave snacks.
It was my life.
And if I could have, I wouldhave continued dancing all
through college and maybe evengone on to more auditions.
I did audition when I graduatedfrom college and moved back to
the city, but it's hard to go onauditions and be available for
(11:05):
open calls when you have afull-time job.
So that didn't really work outfor me.
But going back to the same sortof pain tolerance, the
discipline, the commitment to besuch a young person and to have
so much drive, I commend myselffor that.
(11:26):
And I also wonder if maybe Icould have had a little bit more
fun when I was younger.
Although I don't have anyregrets.
It's an interesting thought tocontemplate.
And maybe that's something thatyou might relate to at some
point.
Maybe you were committed to asport or an activity and you
realized, like, hey, I'm nothaving fun doing this anymore.
(11:46):
And I missed all of these otherexperiences that other kids had
because I was a practice or Iwas running drills, or I was
traveling for my my team, or Iwas performing.
And then the major shift, thebiggest one of all, was
realizing that I wasn't going tobe a famous dancer.
(12:10):
So I needed to also commit toschool.
And school was for me, it wasthe gateway to everything.
It was my ticket to a betterlife.
It was my ticket to freedom.
Now, make no mistake, I had areally great stepdad, and I was
very fortunate.
My mom and stepdad did the bestthat they could, even dealing
(12:32):
with a, you know, very emotionalteenage girl, really upset about
her dad being in prison.
I think that they did a greatjob and with me and you know,
provided me with a nice life andgave me the ability to get a
great education and then applyfor scholarships and get into a
great college.
But at five years old, beforeany of these changes had
(12:54):
happened in my life, I hadalready made up my mind that I
needed to get good grades inschool so I could get a
scholarship to a good college,so I could get a great degree,
graduate in four years, get ajob, move out, and be my own
boss.
Totally firstborn daughter, andsimilar, uh in a similar
fashion, a lot of Virgos tend tobe like that.
(13:16):
They have a lot of ambition anddrive.
So mix all of that together withthe ability for me to stay
committed to something, theability for me to have the
discipline that I had withkarate, with dance, and now pour
all of that energy and effortinto school and my academics.
You already know I was astraight A student.
(13:36):
And so thinking about the yearsthat I spent in high school and
college, I do wish that I hadmore fun.
I look back at those times andI'm like, man, I was so crazy
about studying and making surethat I got good grades and
putting so much pressure onmyself that I did not allow
(13:57):
myself to enjoy anything.
I remember even the summerbetween my freshman and
sophomore year in college, I hadthe opportunity, which I took to
take a chemistry class at thelocal community college.
And it was basically the wholemonth of June and the whole
month of July.
(14:17):
And you it was chemistry one andtwo.
And I did that because my trackof engineering at the school I
went to, they were going to havemy, I guess, my grade do the two
courses jammed into one.
And it was like Monday,Wednesday, Friday from 8 to
(14:39):
9:30.
And so I got ahead of that, tookthe course over the summer at
the community college, which wasfour days a week for eight
weeks, and that allowed me toget college credits.
They were a little bit cheaperbecause it was community
college, and I was able to sleepin Mondays, Wednesdays, and
Fridays because I had alreadydone the chemistry.
(15:00):
So I think that was a gooddecision on my part.
However, looking back, I misseda whole summer because I was in
school and then I also worked ata local hair salon and I was
like the shampoo girl and I usedto clean and I freaking loved
it.
Side note, if I could go back intime, I would have so many
different careers.
(15:22):
I love hair, I love makeup, Ilove skincare, I love massage, I
also love the food and beveragebusiness.
I know that those are all reallytough industries to be in
because it's all service-based.
But I work in service now.
I'm a personal trainer.
And so, yeah, I have so manyinterests, so many things I
(15:43):
probably could have done and didreally well for myself.
But, you know, all of that is inhindsight, right?
We look back at our life and wethink about should have, would
have, could've, but you didn't.
And I didn't enjoy my summer,and I didn't enjoy college
because I was so busy studying.
And let me tell you, college wasreally hard for me.
(16:07):
I had to study.
I had to be nuts.
I had to be a maniac because Iwas not getting good grades.
I barely, barely, barelysurvived after four years
getting a mechanical engineeringdegree.
It is probably the mostdifficult thing I've ever done.
And a close second to that isthe next thing I wanted to talk
(16:29):
about right now, which isbodybuilding.
And bodybuilding is somethingthat I I discovered towards the
end of college, but I knew I wasgetting myself into some hot
water.
So I figured, you know what,I'll just work out, but I'm not
going to commit to doing anybodybuilding specifically or
any, you know, modelingendeavors until that is all said
(16:51):
and done.
So it was once I got into thereal world, once I got out into
the workforce and I startedmaking a little bit of money, I
got my own gym membership.
I eventually got a car.
And then I could buy my owngroceries, make my own food, go
to the gym.
I wasn't dancing anymore.
I obviously wasn't doing karateanymore either.
(17:13):
And now I'm working and I foundmy new hobby.
So it went from martial arts todance to bodybuilding with a
nice big long break in there.
I did dance in college, but itwas more of an extracurricular
activity that I did twice aweek.
It wasn't something where I wasspending four hours in the
(17:34):
ballet studio.
And I say this long-winded storyabout all of these really hard
things that I chose to dobecause throughout all of these
years, through all of theseexperiences, I I built my pain
tolerance.
I learned how to just keepsuffering.
(17:58):
I would punish myself if Ididn't get good grades, or I
would beat myself up if I didn'tremember choreography to a dance
routine that I needed to presentto my group.
Because my extracurricularactivity in college, we used to
perform every once in a while.
And so I was really hard onmyself no matter what I did.
And there was a part of me thateventually realized, like, girl,
(18:22):
the only person torturing you isyourself.
So going back to the questionthat I asked at the beginning of
this episode, where I said, whathappens when you get really good
at enduring something and youdon't know how to turn it off?
Well, your body is either goingto shut down on you and force
you to turn it off, or you'regonna be faced with a really
(18:46):
hard choice and some difficultconsequences, and you're gonna
have to figure it out.
So, how do you turn it off?
And I think for many of us,there's really something
powerful about like naming thething that you did good or bad,
maybe it's neutral, and thenlooking at it through a
(19:09):
different lens, making peacewith it, realizing that
regardless of if you're happy orupset that you made certain
choices in your past, everythingyou did brought you to this
point right here, right now, andit was meant for you.
So when you're thinking aboutlife, don't ask for an easier
(19:32):
life.
Ask for the strength.
When you want to achievesomething, there's pleasure,
joy, excitement, and a level ofself-respect that you build in
the pursuit of building thething.
We have AI now, which we've hadfor a while, by the way, but
(19:54):
it's really rampantly beingused.
And the truth is it's not amagic pill, it doesn't fix shit
because there's no soul there.
And you could use AI in manycapacities.
I mean, the possibilities areendless for you to ramp up or
(20:16):
speed up your process to getsomewhere, but if it doesn't
have your flavor, if it doesn'thave your soul, and if it
doesn't have your thoughtprocess, your creativity, your
spice, it's going to be veryflat and neutral when you get to
that finish line.
And who cares if you got therefaster?
(20:39):
If you don't know how you gotthere, like if you're on a road
trip and you suddenly blink andyou're at the destination, you
missed the whole point of thejourney, the whole point of
being on a road trip, and youdon't know how you got there, so
you don't know how to get back.
Do you ever think of that?
(21:00):
I think the younger version ofme might be confused about this
episode and be like, you know,why are you talking about this
like it's a negative?
We were always winning.
We had what it took, we got thejob done, we were always on the
A team.
Uh oh, and let me tell you, whenI worked for Lehman Brothers, I
used to complain about this allthe time because my boss and I,
(21:22):
we were always the A team.
So just so you can get a pictureof what I'm talking about here.
So Lehman Brothers, I startedworking for them as a
third-party manager in thespring of 2007.
So they were my client.
My employer was another company.
So Lehman was the client.
(21:42):
And among their portfolio ofoffice locations in Manhattan
and Jersey City, we had I hadone, two, three, four different
locations that fell under myjurisdiction.
So I was the assistant at first.
And then I became the propertymanager.
And then I had someone above me.
(22:04):
And we had the same portfolio.
So he oversaw me and maybe twoother property managers.
So he had like six or seven oreight different properties.
And it still wasn't all of them.
But within the portfolio, myboss and I were always the first
ones to go.
(22:25):
We were always the guinea pigs.
We were always the firstlocations where they would test
run a new initiative.
I'll never forget when theybrought out these really
ridiculous recycling bins.
They wanted to roll out arecycling initiative, which of
course it's admirable.
However, in New York City, backin those times, this was almost
(22:46):
20 years ago, New York City didnot separate at collection.
They would recycle off site.
At least that's what I was told.
So if I have that incorrect,that's what was happening in the
properties we were in.
So we rolled out these recyclingbins and signage.
(23:08):
However, when the cleaningpeople would come through, they
would just throw everything inthe same bin.
And I remember that my boss andI, we were the first properties,
my four little sites, we werethe first location where they
were rolling out the signage,the containers.
We wanted to know how the clientenjoyed the experience, if they
appreciated it, if they hatedit, if it was a waste of their
(23:32):
time, if they thought thesignage was great, if it was on
brand.
And I just remember asking him,why do they always pick us
first?
This is so annoying.
It's giving us so much extrawork.
Like we have other things weneed to be taken care of.
And I remember he looked at meand he said, We're the ATMT.
We are the best.
(23:52):
And that's why.
And it is so admirable to be theones to go first because we're
testing it out.
We're going to tell everybodythe do's and don'ts so that when
they roll out their initiative,they can refine the process.
So they're learning from all ofthe bangs, bruises, and mistakes
(24:13):
that we're making in ourrollout.
And I know that maybe thatsounds great to some people, but
I was like, fuck this.
I'm nobody's guinea pig.
I've got more than enough workto do.
And oh, by the way, picksomebody else.
(24:33):
But anyway, I digress becauseyeah, being able to endure,
being able to do, being the oneto always be willing to go
first, there is somethingadmirable there.
Now, I want to tie all of thistogether because this podcast is
meant for you.
And I always like to give yousome things to nibble on and
(24:55):
process, maybe journal or thinkabout as you're going on your
walk or taking your dog out fora walk.
I want you to think about acouple of things.
First, look at where yourgreatest strength doubles as
your blind spot.
Okay.
The thing that makes youexceptional in one part of your
life might be the same exactthing that's costing you in
(25:16):
another.
I know people who are fabulousat work.
They are the A-team.
But maybe other parts of theirlife, they're suffering.
They don't get to go for walksor go to the gym as much or
spend time with their kids.
You know, I know other peoplewho are thriving at the gym, but
(25:38):
they keep starting and stoppingtheir entrepreneurial journey
or, you know, the offers theywant to put out into the world
or how they make money.
And so this doesn't mean you getrid of the thing that you're
really good at.
It just means you have to gethonest about it and consider
maybe looking at the thing thatyou're the most proud of and
(26:01):
asking yourself, where has thisheld me back in other areas of
my life?
Now, the second thing I want youto do is notice when discipline
becomes control.
They look almost identical fromthe outside, but discipline
serves a purpose.
And control can serve a fear.
So the next time you're grindingsomething and people are around
(26:22):
you are telling you maybe youneed to slow down or you need to
take a pause or you need torethink things.
Ask yourself, am I doing thisbecause it matters, or am I
doing it because if I stop, I'llfeel like a failure?
And lastly, probably the mostimportant takeaway of this
episode is give yourselfpermission to enjoy something
(26:44):
that doesn't produce.
It doesn't produce a result, itdoesn't produce anything.
It doesn't always have to be inservice of a goal or to make
money.
You could go to a concert, youcould book a trip, you could say
yes to something that you'vealways wanted to do, but you
feel silly about it and go anddo that thing.
Your pain tolerance is not goingto diminish and it'll be there
(27:07):
when you get back.
It's not going anywhere.
But the invitation to go livelife might not come around
again.
So really sit with yourself andask yourself if saying no to
everything is serving your souland your heart.
Now, I started this episode offin my dad's karate school.
(27:27):
Shoes off, bowing, saying theright things.
And I want to say at the end ofthis episode, that I wouldn't
trade any of it.
Not the years of karate, ordancing, burying myself in
textbooks, competing inbodybuilding shows, or in my
(27:47):
career.
All of those things built me.
All of those things have made mewho I am today, right now, this
very second.
And the thing that I'm the mostproud of is not the pain
tolerance that I have.
It's the fact that I learned Idon't need to use it all the
time.
It's knowing the differencebetween I can endure this, but I
(28:13):
don't have to.
So if this episode hit home foryou, send it to somebody that
you know could benefit fromlistening to this episode.
And if you want to get in touchwith me, please check the show
notes for all of thepossibilities and ways to do
that.
I have a newsletter, I have anInstagram account, and I'll see
you on the next one.
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