July 6, 2026 • 43 mins
In the summer of 2024, I quit my job with no plan and no safety net. People called it reckless. What they didn't know is that I'd already trusted myself with multiple times before — getting out of an abusive relationship in 2003, rebuilding my health for years after pushing my body through competitive bodybuilding prep, and many many more
This episode walks through several chapters and the one thread that connects them: faith in yourself doesn't come first, you have to do the thing and then you build that faith and trust.
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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
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SPEAKER_00 (00:07):
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I'm your host, Tiana.
Now, in summer of 2024, I quitmy job.
I had no backup plan.
I had no job lined up, no safetynet.
(00:48):
I just decided I was doneworking in a toxic industry.
Now I bet on myself to figureout the rest, and people around
me called it reckless.
They said, you know, I didn't, Ididn't need to do that.
I was taking too many risks, theeconomy was very unstable.
And I knew something that theydid not know at the time, but I
(01:12):
had bet on myself so many timesalready, and I always came out
on top.
So I was able to reflect back onvarious experiences throughout
my life.
And in this episode, I'm goingto share three different times
that I can recall in my lifewhere I had to bet on myself.
I had to trust my gut, and I hadto have unwavering faith and
(01:35):
just know beyond a shadow of adoubt, like I know that the sun
rises every morning and setsevery night, that I was going to
be okay.
Now, at the end of this episode,I'm going to tie these three
pretty major experiencestogether so we can find the
common thread.
And I will give you action itemsso that you can walk away from
this episode, maybe reframingsome of the things that you're
(01:57):
experiencing right now, and howyou can find the common thread
among your past experiences andyour patterns, so that when you
find yourself at a crossroadsand you need to make a decision,
you can trust your gut, you canbet on yourself, and you can
move forward having unwaveringfaith.
So let me paint this picture foryou because in 2023 I went back
(02:22):
to construction.
I've talked about it severaltimes on this show.
And I wanted to do that becauseI have a degree in engineering.
I really wanted to get back intolearning new things in a new
industry or a relatively newindustry because I had done
stuff in construction in thepast, but it felt like I had
(02:43):
unfinished business there.
And while I did have aflourishing career over a decade
actually in commercial realestate property management,
those types of projects weremore short-term and they were
things that could be done ratherquickly.
They were typically not heavilyinvolved.
(03:05):
We didn't have to get anarchitect or submit drawings.
And if a project did end upgetting to that point, typically
it would be turned over to theproject management team.
So we had these two departments,property management and project
management, that kind of workedside by side.
But the scope of work for acapital improvement project was
(03:28):
so far greater.
And usually the timeline wouldbe anywhere from like three to
six months to a year tosometimes even longer than that.
And so at that point, that scopeis just too big for a property
management team to handlebecause we typically had a lot
of odds and ends in smallerprojects.
So I was super interested ingetting back into this.
(03:50):
I was hoping that the industryhad changed and that there was
more of a female presence andinfluence in the industry.
Being a woman of color, I loveto represent who I am and where
I come from and maybe be lookedat as someone who is a leader
and who could pave the way forother women like myself.
(04:12):
But it didn't work out so wellbecause I believe the first
company that hired me just didit so they could fill a
requirement, check off a box.
They do a lot of work for thePort Authority of New York and
New Jersey.
And quite frankly, they haverequirements.
So they need to have a certainpercentage of women and
(04:33):
minorities on their payroll toeven submit a proposal for a
project.
When they lost one of theirbids, I got canned the next day.
From there, I was unemployed forabout six weeks.
And then I found a job at asmall little architectural and
(04:54):
design uh office not too farfrom me.
I wouldn't even say it's a teambecause it was really like a
one-man show.
He had a few supporting people,and it just didn't work out.
It was not a good fit.
And then from there, I wound upgoing really long commute to a
team out in Long Island, and Iwas very hopeful.
And unfortunately, it was acomplete bait and switch.
(05:17):
And I know what you're thinking.
There's three different jobs.
What's the common denominator?
The common denominator is me.
And I have sat with this for along time.
I've had a lot of unresolvedfeelings about it because what
ended up happening was when Iwent away to go to PowerMonkey
Camp in the spring of 2024, whenI returned, I knew I had maybe
(05:42):
another week or so left in me atthe construction job before I
was going to have to make adecision.
We were embarking on some newer,bigger projects, which would
have required more commitmentfrom me.
It was the beginning of thesummer, and I wasn't really
feeling it.
I wasn't appreciating how I wasbeing treated.
I was being gaslit left andright.
I was being told one thing onone day and then something else
(06:04):
the next day.
And there was just a lot ofinconsistencies from leadership,
from management.
Payroll wasn't fucking around.
And when I returned from camp, Iwas informed that it was debated
while I was away if I should becompensated for the week that I
was away at camp because I was arelatively new hire.
(06:27):
Even though I informed themduring the hiring process that I
had this trip planned and it wasa commitment and I couldn't
change my plans.
So again, you see this exampleof somebody or someone or a team
saying, like, yes, that's fine.
And then when it comes down toit, it's not fine.
And so when you're planning yourlife and you're thinking about
(06:49):
your livelihood and your mentalhealth and your well-being,
there's a lot more to it thanjust a job or just a paycheck.
Maybe if I was in my 20s, Iwould have stuck it out a little
bit longer because I waslearning things.
But being in my late 40s ormid-40s, I was like, fuck this.
(07:10):
This is not my retirement plan.
This is not my end game.
And you know what?
I'm seeing a trend in thisindustry, and maybe it's not a
good fit for me.
So I'm gonna get out before it'stoo far gone.
And so when I resigned from thejob, I did not have a backup
plan.
I knew my friend wanted to hireme to work as a bartender at his
(07:32):
restaurant.
I was talking to a friend to dosome consulting work for her
business.
She's an online coach.
And so I just dove into thosetwo things with really no idea
of how much money I was going tobe able to earn or garner or get
in order to survive.
But somehow it worked out.
(07:53):
Now, I will say that I do anddid at the time have someone who
could help me when I neededfinancial support.
And here's the first sidebar ofthis episode.
That in and of itself is fuckinghuge for me.
I grew up never asking for help,refusing to get help, not
(08:17):
knowing how to receive, andsaying no because I never wanted
to feel like I owed anyoneanything.
I never wanted to feel indebtedto another person, or that I
owed someone my time, or thatthey were gonna phone in a favor
at the most inopportune time forme, and I was going to have to
(08:38):
do something out of obligation.
I don't think anyone enjoysthat.
(09:11):
And so it was an exercise of mesaying, Thank you.
I appreciate the gesture andmoving on with my life.
And that is fucking huge for me.
And so did I know that I had alittle bit of a cushion?
Yes.
But I didn't when I decided toquit my job.
(09:32):
I actually did not know if thatwas going to be something I
could tap into.
And I really did my best.
I was working at the restaurantprobably three to four nights a
week, very late nights, um,making drinks, working different
theme parties, helping withevents.
I even did a little bit ofmanagement stuff towards the end
(09:53):
of that summer season becausethey needed the help.
And it was a lot on my feet.
And it was also a lot of fun.
And I remember my friend who hadthe uh consulting opportunity
for me.
It was full commission.
I didn't get paid very much andit didn't last very long.
(10:14):
And I remember, you know, when Isaid, like, hey, this isn't
really working out, she said tome, you know, every time you
quit a job, you're starting overat zero.
And now you are 45 at the time,and you're starting yourself
over again, and you just keepsetting yourself back and back
and back.
Now, she's a business coach, soI was a little taken back by her
(10:38):
advice because of all people,she should know that that is
absolutely not true.
Yeah, maybe I set myself back alittle bit, but I wasn't going
all the way back to zero.
Not all the way back to, let'ssay, the day after I graduated
from college.
Absolutely not.
Because what about all of thetransferable skills, life
skills, and lived experiencesthat I had to tap into?
(11:00):
And those lived experiences arethe very thing that gave me the
courage to stay true to myselfin this really stressful, wobbly
time in my life.
So let's talk about some ofthose times because it's from my
lived experiences, it's fromrecalling what I felt like in
(11:23):
those times and how I got myselfout of it that gave me that
strength.
So in 2003, I was getting myselfout of a very sticky, messy,
volatile, and tumultuousrelationship.
I had been seeing this man forabout a year and a half.
(11:44):
I met him at the end of 2001.
He was six years older than me.
And it was hot and heavy in thebeginning, and I was completely
love bombed and in my delusionalstate.
I thought that this was normal,you know, for somebody to want
to be with me all of the time,to shower me with gifts, to take
(12:04):
me out to dinner constantly, togive me all of his attention.
And then little by little bylittle, over time, the things
that he initially said he lovedabout me, how I was independent,
I was a hard worker, I put inthe time at the gym to take care
of myself, that I worked asecond job serving beer at a bar
(12:29):
in White Plains to havesupplemental income because my
full-time job was not thatgreat.
I mean, I had just graduatedcollege at this point, so I was
entry level.
And all of those things that heloved about me so much started
to bother him, and he started toslowly degrade me and slowly
pick me apart bit by bit, pieceby piece.
(12:51):
It was tactical, it wasstrategic, it was so
manipulative, and above all, itwas so controlling.
I started to feel like I wasbeing smothered in my own house.
Now, at this time, I had a cellphone, but it was common for
most people to have a phone intheir house, maybe with
(13:14):
voicemail or an answeringmachine.
And I remember he was upset withme once, and I was like trying
to pinpoint it and figure itout.
And then when I checked myanswering machines, there was a
message on my answering machinefrom my mother's boyfriend
asking if I could pick up a cakefor her birthday from a bakery
(13:39):
local to where I live.
And my boyfriend at the time,this maniac, was pissed off at
me that another man, again, mymom's boyfriend, called my
phone, left a message, and askedme to do something for him and
that he would reimburse me.
Where did he get my phonenumber?
Who does he think he is?
I mean, it just went on and on.
(14:00):
And every single day of thisrelationship, it was just up and
down and sideways.
It was the most crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions.
I have never been in a situationlike that since.
But in 2003, I had enough.
There had been a few instanceswhere things got physical
(14:22):
between us.
Um there was one instance wheremy glasses were broken off of my
face.
There was another instance whereI fell to the floor.
We were like kind of like, Idon't know, maybe wrestling each
other or something.
And I fell down to the floor andhe was kicking me in the ribs.
And I am so grateful that I gotout of that situation when I
(14:46):
did.
I do sometimes kick myself forallowing it to go on as long as
I did.
But when I tell you that thisperson was like um weeds in a
garden, he just would not goaway.
He just would not leave mealone.
And I knew probably, I don'tknow, I would say about eight
(15:07):
months to a year into therelationship, I knew that he
didn't love me.
I knew that he wasn't in lovewith me.
I knew that he just wanted tocontrol me.
You know, I had been easy tomanipulate in the beginning of
the relationship.
And it was just toxic from thestart.
(15:28):
It slowly maybe the first monthwas like the honeymoon phase,
and then it got toxic realquick.
I lost a friendship because ofthis guy.
I was isolated from my family.
I remember even at my job,someone had had touched me
inappropriately in the office.
And I reported it to HR and Ireported it to my manager, and I
(15:54):
was deathly afraid of himfinding out because I didn't
want him to retaliate.
And this is the kind of personthat would do that in a rage, in
a fury, fueled by passion andanger.
He used to do really stupidthings.
And I just really didn't wantanyone to get hurt.
So I kept it to myself.
(16:15):
And when I finally got out ofthat relationship, and I mean,
it took a while.
It wasn't a clean break.
It was probably weeks because hekept coming around and bothering
me, or, you know, saying he wasgonna ring all of the buzzers in
my apartment building atmidnight if I didn't let him in
to my apartment, or call thepolice and tell them that I
(16:36):
threw him out of his own home,even though he didn't live
there.
And it was just a fuckingnightmare.
But I learned and I learned awhole heck of a lot.
And primarily what I learned wasI never ever want to make anyone
feel this way.
You see, prior to thisrelationship, I definitely had a
(16:56):
temper, and I probably was toxicin my own ways.
I mentioned in an earlierepisode on the show that I went
on a trip to Puerto Rico with adifferent person that I was
dating several years prior tothis incident or to this
relationship, and I was prettytoxic on that trip.
And so being with this personwas almost like, whoa, a huge
(17:17):
mirror of the little thingsabout me that I wanted to change
and to make better.
And the point here of how thisconnects to my decision in 2024
is that, you know, I wasdepending on him for some of my
bills financially.
He had moved in temporarily andthen he moved out.
(17:38):
And that was part of like hislittle hook in my back.
And I vividly recall him sayingto me over the phone, you'll
never survive without me.
I pay for this, I pay for that.
And, you know, of course, thethe bills were in my name and he
would give me the cash for it,right?
And I remember saying to him, Idon't care if I'm homeless, I
(17:59):
don't care if I lose everything.
I will live in a box and it willbe my box on the street, and you
will not be allowed in it.
Stay away from me.
Leave me alone.
And my saving grace in thatwhole situation is that my dad
got out on parole and he movedin with me.
And so that kept this toxicperson away.
(18:19):
And let me tell you, was it hardfinancially?
Absolutely.
Did I have to get anotherbartending job?
Yes.
So there was a period of timewhere I was working Monday
through Friday full-time,bartending at one place on
Fridays, bartending at anotherplace on Saturdays, and
sometimes bartending at anotherplace on Sundays.
But I was doing what I had to doto make ends meet and to
(18:41):
survive.
And when you do something likethat, and when you develop that
grit, nothing can stand in yourway and nothing can stop you.
And small things stay small.
They don't blow up and becomethese huge problems because you
know you can get through it.
Now, another instance where Ihad to trust my gut was after
(19:03):
several years of competing incompetitive bodybuilding.
Now I had done a few showsprobably from 2000, where I
started the prep in 1999 untilabout 2003.
I took a break for six years andthen I got back on the stage in
2009.
And from 2009 to 2010, I didfive or six shows all very close
(19:25):
together.
That's a pretty short time frameto put yourself through a prep,
you know, rebound a little bitand then go right back into it.
And it got to the point where mybody was no longer responding.
So while I was in preparationfor two shows in 2010, and I was
riding the wave and the high ofdoing really well the year
(19:48):
prior, winning an overall title,getting a new Facebook group,
and I had thousands of friends,quote unquote, and people in the
industry, you know, giving me athumbs up and kudos and
congratulations.
And I had all this new successand a whole new network.
I was in the gym doing two tothree hours of cardio per day,
(20:08):
seven days a week, and liftingweights anywhere from an hour to
90 minutes, six to seven days aweek.
You heard me right.
I was working out every singleday, anywhere from three to five
hours, on top of having afull-time job.
Now, if you know anything aboutthe human body, it is an
(20:30):
amazing, fascinating machine.
But the human body adapts.
So if you start turning up theheat, it will respond, but then
it will adapt.
And then you're gonna have tomake some or other kind of
change.
See, change happens when youeither apply pressure or you
(20:52):
raise the temperature or youchange the environment.
And so in my case, my body wasalready so acclimated to doing
so much exercise that every timeI kept bumping up the exercise
and trimming down on the food, Iwould see a little bit of a
return, and then I wouldcontinue to plateau.
So it was like two stepsforward, one step back, two
(21:14):
steps forward, one step back.
And I'm somebody who doesn'tquit.
I'm somebody who says, No, I'mgonna see it through.
I had already booked my hoteland flight and paid for my show
entry.
I had my suit, I was getting mytanning stuff, I had all the
(21:35):
pieces in place.
I just needed to get my bodyready and I was not gonna quit.
But what happened was I got mypro card, and not too long after
that, I wound up seeing thetelltale signs of some really
serious damage to my metabolism.
(21:55):
I had impacted my kidneys, myliver, my My reproductive
system, I had fibroids, I wasgaining a ton of weight very
quickly, and I was still eatingon my bodybuilder diet.
And there are a lot of peopleout there that would say, Yeah,
right, you probably let yourselfgo.
(22:16):
You know, you were eating pastaevery day or you were having
tons of carbs.
No, no.
I stayed on that bodybuildingprep because I was so frightened
that if I just released thekraken, all hell was gonna break
loose.
So, what I mean by that is I gotmy pro card and I probably had a
victory meal or two, and then Iwas right back to the gym
(22:40):
because I had gotten my body soaccustomed to operating at a
certain level that if you juststop, you're gonna gain a ton of
weight almost overnight,seemingly overnight.
So you have to ramp it down.
And maybe you've heard of whatpeople call a reverse diet.
Now, there's mixed thoughtsabout this reverse diet stuff
(23:00):
because some people will say,well, you can reverse diet to
try to soften the blow of therebound after competing.
It just means it's good, you'regonna, you're gonna drag it out
a little bit longer and you'regonna slowly start to pyramid
back down, scaling back on yourexercise and slowly eat,
including more food, morecalories, more nutrients, and
(23:24):
then more variety into yourdiet.
So we're talking about you know,food sources, different
textures, the way you'repreparing your food.
At the peak of a bodybuildingshow prep, you're eating very
simple, very clean, and you'renot using a lot of ingredients.
You're using a lot of wholefoods, and it's very simple.
(23:45):
Most people are keeping itsimple.
They're using either like areally high-quality olive oil or
a macadamia nut oil, they'reusing salt and pepper, and
they're keeping their cookingmethods very simple.
Maybe in a pan, like searingsomething, using an air fryer,
or it's on a grill, or it'sbaked.
It's very, very basic.
(24:07):
So when you start adding allthese new ingredients and new
textures and new flavors, youhave to do it slowly.
But I did not even try toreverse.
I was actually trying to stay aslean as I possibly could.
So I was doing all of theexercise and adding just a
little bit of variety with myfood.
(24:28):
And yet, still, six months afterI got my pro card, I was about
55 pounds heavier than I was onthe day of my show.
Now, the day of my show, Iweighed probably around 110
pounds when I got the pro card.
My normal weight was about 121.
So, yes, it was a lot heavierthan show day, but it was still
(24:53):
a lot heavier than my normalweight.
And the only thing that I coulddo, once I slowly started to
surrender and I realized that Icould not continue operating at
that heightened frequency andthat intensity level with my
workouts, I slowly started topeel back, slowly started to
pyramid down, and I just had tolet go.
(25:17):
And for a solid, I would say twoto two and a half years, I lived
very uncomfortably in a bodythat felt like it was completely
foreign to me.
So my weight was above anythingI had ever seen in my life.
I think the highest I ever sawon the scale was 165.
(25:39):
I am five foot one in height.
So for me, weighing 165 poundswas really uncomfortable.
It was uncomfortable to walk upand down stairs.
I hated the way that I looked.
My skin felt really tightbecause I was so inflamed and
just holding a ton of waterunderneath my skin.
(26:03):
I slowly started to heal my bodyfrom the inside out.
I continued exercising, but Iwas living in shame.
I would go to the gym with abaseball hat pulled all the way
down on my face, a hoodie withthe strings like tightened right
under my chin.
I was hiding my complete body.
Even in the summer months, Iwould work out with like a fully
(26:24):
zipped up hooded sweatshirt andlong pants.
Uh, yoga pants that had thefoldover waistline were my
absolute go-to because theydidn't squeeze me or make me
feel uncomfortable.
And I wound up joining adifferent gym because I did not
want to see everyone that Iknew, people who saw me at my
absolute best, and now they weregonna see me at what I thought
(26:46):
was my absolute worst.
But in that time, I knew that Iwas going to find my way.
Where a lot of people would havegiven up, where a lot of people
would say, Oh, this must be yournew norm now.
You just have to get used to it.
(27:07):
I absolutely refused.
I said, fuck no, there is noway.
I am not going to stay here.
I don't care how long it takesme, the time will pass
regardless.
And I didn't do it from amaniacal sense or from an
obsessed sort of controllingsense.
I didn't have any sort of messedup relationships with food,
(27:28):
thank goodness.
Although I do see it all thetime, where a bodybuilding show
really can exacerbate whatsomeone has going on under the
surface.
If you have mental healthissues, it's certainly not going
to make things better for you.
If you um have some emotionalregulation issues, bodybuilding
(27:48):
is gonna make you just lose yourmind because you're putting so
much pressure on yourself andyou're living with tunnel vision
for one day, for one moment of aday, and then it's over.
And just like that, everybody'sforgotten you.
The lights go down, the suitgets put back in the closet, and
you're left to live with themess of all of the messed up
(28:08):
decisions and choices that youmade when you were not thinking
straight during yourbodybuilding show prep.
And I remember people saying,Oh, you know, maybe this is just
the new body that you have tolive with.
You know, you are older now,like it's gonna be a lot harder
for you.
And I refused to accept thatnarrative.
(28:31):
I refused to listen.
I would tell people, you don'tknow what you're talking about.
I would tell people, yeah, thatmight be true for somebody else,
but not for me.
And I have to say, it was a fewyears, but it was really,
really, really uncomfortable forme because I felt like I was
(28:52):
living in someone else's body.
Now I remember vividly in thesummer of 2014, I had already
changed careers.
I had moved into personaltraining because of my personal
experiences.
I knew that I had to help otherwomen that were going to be
making the same mistakes that Idid.
That's really what was the umcatapult or the thing that like
(29:18):
pushed me into getting intofitness full time because this
was not my dream gig, let metell you, not at all.
But it ended up being the bestthing I could ever do for myself
and for other people because Ihave met so many wonderful human
beings and I have helped peopleto not only just avoid not
making the same mistakes that Imade, but to share what I
(29:39):
experienced in the hopes ofmaybe shining a light on a
situation that they might notsee from social media or they
might not understand.
So anyway, I remember thissummer of 2014.
Now we're going four years, fouryears after I got my pro card.
And I remember working out, andI was working out at this big
(30:01):
box gym I used to work at, whichwas awesome.
I was there for over five years.
I loved working there.
I had great clients there andthey treated me great.
But I remember at some point Ihad to leave because I had
outgrown everything.
And I remember the summer of2014.
I had been at this gym forprobably about six months.
(30:21):
I started working there at theend of 2013.
And I remember looking at myselfin the mirror and saying, Whoa,
oh my gosh, wait a minute.
I I recognized that reflectionfor the first time.
And at that point, I wasprobably weighing around 145
pounds.
So at the peak, 165, I haddropped about 20 pounds.
(30:45):
And was I anywhere near where Iwanted to be?
No.
But did I at least see like alittle glimmer of like a
jawline?
Yes.
And just see a little bit of myold shape that I once had, yes.
And it made me really happy.
Now I know that people arelistening to this and I'm
(31:06):
talking all about the way Ilook, but I also felt fabulous.
I had been working with a doctorto get everything under control.
I did a liver detox.
I got my cycle back to normal.
I was doing a different type oftraining.
I was just more grounded, morecalm, more at peace.
(31:31):
And I was a lot happier.
So I pursued this thing inbodybuilding, the thing I
thought I wanted.
And once I got it, it didn'tchange a fucking thing for me.
And it actually brought me, itbrought me joy in the moment,
but it also brought me a lot oflife lessons.
And it's through all of thoseexperiences over, I would say,
(31:52):
about four years of living indiscomfort, of feeling insecure,
of basically wearing the samethree or four outfits because I
refused to buy new clothing, ofseeing my reflection and being
like, all right, like doing thebest I can with what I got right
now, and knowing that I was notgoing to stay there, knowing
(32:14):
that I was going to get to abetter place, knowing that I was
going to heal my body, knowingthat I could get myself back to
a place where I felt morecomfortable, more confident, and
felt joy again from the insideout.
Now, the last story before I tieall of this together, and I know
this episode is a little bitlonger, but bear with me.
(32:37):
In 2021, that was the last timeI saw my dad, and we met for
Father's Day.
And I realized at the end ofthat meal that in order for me
to move forward with my life, Iwas gonna have to just remove
(32:59):
myself from his.
So from 1990 to 2003, when I wasfirst 12 years old until I was
25, I supported my dad.
I was his ride or die.
I did everything for him.
Phone calls, packages, visits,letters.
(33:24):
2003 he gets out of jail.
He's on parole for seven years.
Who do you think he lived with?
Me.
That's how I got rid of theex-boyfriend that I talked about
in the first story here.
Because my dad moved in with me.
Clothes, a phone, a resume, aplace to live, food, shelter,
(33:50):
protection.
And also the big one that Ithink is easy to miss, I had to
reassimilate my dad into theworld.
When he went to jail, the C Dwas a brand new device.
When he came out of jail, peoplehad phones in their pockets.
So it was a world that he didnot know.
(34:13):
And through the years of himbeing on parole, I started to
really see more about who hewas.
Now I'm an adult.
Now I can't be persuaded,influenced, or manipulated.
I could make decisions formyself.
I can see what's what.
And I remember slowly startingto remove the veil and see who
(34:40):
my dad really is.
And over the course of time, Imean, he got out on parole in
2003.
So I'm talking about 2021.
So it's a long period of time,17, 18 years.
And over that period of time,our relationship went through
the ringer.
It was up, it was down, wedidn't talk, we would sometimes
talk, but I really started tosee who he was.
(35:03):
And uh, you know, I don't wantto throw anybody under the bus,
but there were a few instanceswhere I got screwed over.
And I had to come to thisrealization that my dad is not
the person who I thought he was,is not the person who I wanted
him to be.
And sometimes, and maybe this isrelevant for you, you're going
(35:26):
to find yourself, you know,wanting to do better in life,
wanting to level up.
You're taking advantage of thoseopportunities for upward
mobility.
And then you go back to your oldneighborhood or you go see your
cousins or you visit yourchildhood friends, and somebody
says, Man, you've changed.
Isn't that the whole point?
I don't want to be stagnant.
(35:48):
I don't want to stay the same.
I want to continue growing andevolving.
And if we can do that at thesame pace and we're going in the
same direction, amazing.
But if we're not, that's alsookay too.
Because I want you to come withme, but I'm not going to drag
you.
And I'm not saying, please know,I'm not saying that you have to
do this and that it makes you abetter person.
(36:10):
But I know for me, I foundmyself in a place in life where
it felt like every time I wasdoing just a little bit better,
I was getting a phone call aboutsomeone needing something,
whether it was my time, a ride,to get bailed out, to get given
money.
And those days are over.
(36:30):
Those days are over.
In fact, as a young adult, Iremember there was a period of
time where every guy I met and Iwould start dating, I would tell
him, listen, you get jammed up,you go to jail, you're on your
own.
I'm done.
I am done.
I'm never doing that again.
Because I did that for 13 yearsfrom my father, and then I did
(36:53):
it virtually.
I never went to visit my brotherin jail, but I did it virtually
for my brother for anotherperiod of time after that.
So I am tapped out.
Okay.
Mm-mm.
No more collect calls, no moreletters, no more packages, no
more visits.
No.
And then I realized maybe Icould have the conversation
(37:14):
start off a little bitdifferently.
Maybe I can embody that feelingand that vibe without having to
actually say it explicitly inwords.
But I got to this point in 2021where I was like, you know what?
Things have to change.
And the only person that can dothat is me.
So now I want to connect thethread here because I know I
(37:37):
said a whole heck of a lot.
And if you're still with me,thank you so much for your time.
Because going back to 2003,getting out of an abusive
relationship, 2000 I would say10, up until about 2014, blindly
leading myself through healingmy body and my health from the
(37:58):
inside out, even though I hadabsolutely no physical signs or
manifestations that it waspossible or that I could ever do
it.
I just had this unwavering faithin myself.
And then in 2021, making a verypainful decision to go no
contact with somebody who I grewup adoring and putting on a
pedestal and having tore-evaluate everything in my
(38:20):
life and putting me first.
And in all three of thoseinstances, those were really
difficult choices where I had tosay, okay, I have to trust
myself here.
I don't have any concrete proofof anything, I don't have a
roadmap, I don't have signs, Ihave absolutely nothing guiding
(38:43):
me, but I know myself.
And I know I can do hard things,and I know that I can trust
myself to get through thischallenge.
And so going back to 2024, whichwas literally, it was May of
2024.
I was just about two years andchange ago, I decided to be
(39:06):
brave.
I decided to take a risk, and Idecided to put me first.
Because if I stayed at that jobin Long Island, it was not gonna
get any better.
I was commuting 90 minutes eachway.
I was taking phone calls allmorning, all night.
I was miserable.
And every decision, every move Imade in that role that I got
(39:30):
hired to do, and then thegoalpost kept moving around was
being questioned.
It was the most insane thing.
It was like working for a teamof narcissists where like one
person said something and thenthey would gaslight you, and
then the next day somebody elsewould say something and then
gaslight you.
And I was like, you guys arebeyond fucked up.
(39:50):
Anyway, we don't need to becomplaining about that because
it's in my past, and all ofthose people can go fuck
themselves.
But we're in a better placebecause we trusted ourselves.
Now I'm saying we because I wantyou to get a little bit of this
vibe of this energy.
You can trust yourself.
(40:10):
You know when something is notgood for you, and you know that
you have the ability to make achange.
You see, what gets people stuckis that they think they don't
have choices.
If you're in a toxic situationor if you're in an abusive
relationship, it it becomesalmost like it's almost like
(40:31):
people who get out of prison andthen they don't know how to live
in the real world.
See, that is a huge contributingfactor to why so many people end
up going back, because theunknown is frightening.
It's like releasing an animalthat's been raised in captivity
into the wild, the likelihood ofsurvival is is pretty slim.
(40:54):
It's low because they knownothing else.
But if you know yourself, if youknow, okay, I got myself out of
that shit five years ago, whatcould I learn from that
experience to get myself out ofthis one now?
So on that note, let's talkabout three takeaways for you.
(41:18):
Number one, if you're waitingfor proof before you trust
yourself, consider this proofcomes after you take the leap
and almost never before.
Think about that.
Number two, start tracking yourpatterns.
Look back at moments in yourlife where you trusted yourself
(41:41):
with no confirmation.
Can you think of any?
Can you look at the patterns?
That's your evidence that youcan do it again.
There's your proof.
And then lastly, if you feellike you're protecting yourself
from someone or something, ajob, a relationship, a family
(42:01):
member, reframe it so that yousee it as establishing a
boundary to put self-trust intoaction and not as something that
you owe an explanation for.
Stop saying you're sorry.
So again, I would not have beenso bold and acted so bravely in
(42:21):
2024 without my past livedexperiences to think about, to
touch upon, to rely on.
And yes, that is what becomingunbreakable really means.
It's about knowing that you gotyourself.
And this is why becomingunbreakable has become my life's
(42:45):
mission.
This is my life's work.
It's not just about teachingwomen what not to do if they
want to do a bodybuilding show,but it's really about teaching
women that if they choose to dohard things repeatedly over and
over on a consistent basis, theywill develop self-trust.
They will embody the things thatthey want, they will understand
(43:05):
that they have the agency withinand they will develop
self-autonomy and not dependencyon someone else.
See, when you get all of thosethings down pat, and it is a
practice, it's never going to beperfect.
But when you get all of thosethings down pat, you don't need
anybody's approval.
You don't need anybody's input,you don't need anybody's
(43:27):
opinion.
Because you got you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I really appreciate your timeand attention week after week.
If you enjoyed this episode,please do me a huge favor and
rate the show and give me acouple stars.
It helps the show become morevisible and discoverable by
(43:49):
other amazing people who want tojoin our community.
I appreciate you as always, andI will catch you on the next
one.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body
Podcast.
I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez,a multi-passionate creative,
storyteller, and entrepreneurwith a fierce love for movement.
This is our space for powerfulstories and actionable
strategies to help you buildmental resilience and elevate
(00:28):
your self-care practice.
Together, we will unlock thetools that you need to create an
unbreakable mind and body.
Welcome back to the show.
I'm your host, Tiana.
Now, in summer of 2024, I quitmy job.
I had no backup plan.
I had no job lined up, no safetynet.
(00:48):
I just decided I was doneworking in a toxic industry.
Now I bet on myself to figureout the rest, and people around
me called it reckless.
They said, you know, I didn't, Ididn't need to do that.
I was taking too many risks, theeconomy was very unstable.
And I knew something that theydid not know at the time, but I
(01:12):
had bet on myself so many timesalready, and I always came out
on top.
So I was able to reflect back onvarious experiences throughout
my life.
And in this episode, I'm goingto share three different times
that I can recall in my lifewhere I had to bet on myself.
I had to trust my gut, and I hadto have unwavering faith and
(01:35):
just know beyond a shadow of adoubt, like I know that the sun
rises every morning and setsevery night, that I was going to
be okay.
Now, at the end of this episode,I'm going to tie these three
pretty major experiencestogether so we can find the
common thread.
And I will give you action itemsso that you can walk away from
this episode, maybe reframingsome of the things that you're
(01:57):
experiencing right now, and howyou can find the common thread
among your past experiences andyour patterns, so that when you
find yourself at a crossroadsand you need to make a decision,
you can trust your gut, you canbet on yourself, and you can
move forward having unwaveringfaith.
So let me paint this picture foryou because in 2023 I went back
(02:22):
to construction.
I've talked about it severaltimes on this show.
And I wanted to do that becauseI have a degree in engineering.
I really wanted to get back intolearning new things in a new
industry or a relatively newindustry because I had done
stuff in construction in thepast, but it felt like I had
(02:43):
unfinished business there.
And while I did have aflourishing career over a decade
actually in commercial realestate property management,
those types of projects weremore short-term and they were
things that could be done ratherquickly.
They were typically not heavilyinvolved.
(03:05):
We didn't have to get anarchitect or submit drawings.
And if a project did end upgetting to that point, typically
it would be turned over to theproject management team.
So we had these two departments,property management and project
management, that kind of workedside by side.
But the scope of work for acapital improvement project was
(03:28):
so far greater.
And usually the timeline wouldbe anywhere from like three to
six months to a year tosometimes even longer than that.
And so at that point, that scopeis just too big for a property
management team to handlebecause we typically had a lot
of odds and ends in smallerprojects.
So I was super interested ingetting back into this.
(03:50):
I was hoping that the industryhad changed and that there was
more of a female presence andinfluence in the industry.
Being a woman of color, I loveto represent who I am and where
I come from and maybe be lookedat as someone who is a leader
and who could pave the way forother women like myself.
(04:12):
But it didn't work out so wellbecause I believe the first
company that hired me just didit so they could fill a
requirement, check off a box.
They do a lot of work for thePort Authority of New York and
New Jersey.
And quite frankly, they haverequirements.
So they need to have a certainpercentage of women and
(04:33):
minorities on their payroll toeven submit a proposal for a
project.
When they lost one of theirbids, I got canned the next day.
From there, I was unemployed forabout six weeks.
And then I found a job at asmall little architectural and
(04:54):
design uh office not too farfrom me.
I wouldn't even say it's a teambecause it was really like a
one-man show.
He had a few supporting people,and it just didn't work out.
It was not a good fit.
And then from there, I wound upgoing really long commute to a
team out in Long Island, and Iwas very hopeful.
And unfortunately, it was acomplete bait and switch.
(05:17):
And I know what you're thinking.
There's three different jobs.
What's the common denominator?
The common denominator is me.
And I have sat with this for along time.
I've had a lot of unresolvedfeelings about it because what
ended up happening was when Iwent away to go to PowerMonkey
Camp in the spring of 2024, whenI returned, I knew I had maybe
(05:42):
another week or so left in me atthe construction job before I
was going to have to make adecision.
We were embarking on some newer,bigger projects, which would
have required more commitmentfrom me.
It was the beginning of thesummer, and I wasn't really
feeling it.
I wasn't appreciating how I wasbeing treated.
I was being gaslit left andright.
I was being told one thing onone day and then something else
(06:04):
the next day.
And there was just a lot ofinconsistencies from leadership,
from management.
Payroll wasn't fucking around.
And when I returned from camp, Iwas informed that it was debated
while I was away if I should becompensated for the week that I
was away at camp because I was arelatively new hire.
(06:27):
Even though I informed themduring the hiring process that I
had this trip planned and it wasa commitment and I couldn't
change my plans.
So again, you see this exampleof somebody or someone or a team
saying, like, yes, that's fine.
And then when it comes down toit, it's not fine.
And so when you're planning yourlife and you're thinking about
(06:49):
your livelihood and your mentalhealth and your well-being,
there's a lot more to it thanjust a job or just a paycheck.
Maybe if I was in my 20s, Iwould have stuck it out a little
bit longer because I waslearning things.
But being in my late 40s ormid-40s, I was like, fuck this.
(07:10):
This is not my retirement plan.
This is not my end game.
And you know what?
I'm seeing a trend in thisindustry, and maybe it's not a
good fit for me.
So I'm gonna get out before it'stoo far gone.
And so when I resigned from thejob, I did not have a backup
plan.
I knew my friend wanted to hireme to work as a bartender at his
(07:32):
restaurant.
I was talking to a friend to dosome consulting work for her
business.
She's an online coach.
And so I just dove into thosetwo things with really no idea
of how much money I was going tobe able to earn or garner or get
in order to survive.
But somehow it worked out.
(07:53):
Now, I will say that I do anddid at the time have someone who
could help me when I neededfinancial support.
And here's the first sidebar ofthis episode.
That in and of itself is fuckinghuge for me.
I grew up never asking for help,refusing to get help, not
(08:17):
knowing how to receive, andsaying no because I never wanted
to feel like I owed anyoneanything.
I never wanted to feel indebtedto another person, or that I
owed someone my time, or thatthey were gonna phone in a favor
at the most inopportune time forme, and I was going to have to
(08:38):
do something out of obligation.
I don't think anyone enjoysthat.
(09:11):
And so it was an exercise of mesaying, Thank you.
I appreciate the gesture andmoving on with my life.
And that is fucking huge for me.
And so did I know that I had alittle bit of a cushion?
Yes.
But I didn't when I decided toquit my job.
(09:32):
I actually did not know if thatwas going to be something I
could tap into.
And I really did my best.
I was working at the restaurantprobably three to four nights a
week, very late nights, um,making drinks, working different
theme parties, helping withevents.
I even did a little bit ofmanagement stuff towards the end
(09:53):
of that summer season becausethey needed the help.
And it was a lot on my feet.
And it was also a lot of fun.
And I remember my friend who hadthe uh consulting opportunity
for me.
It was full commission.
I didn't get paid very much andit didn't last very long.
(10:14):
And I remember, you know, when Isaid, like, hey, this isn't
really working out, she said tome, you know, every time you
quit a job, you're starting overat zero.
And now you are 45 at the time,and you're starting yourself
over again, and you just keepsetting yourself back and back
and back.
Now, she's a business coach, soI was a little taken back by her
(10:38):
advice because of all people,she should know that that is
absolutely not true.
Yeah, maybe I set myself back alittle bit, but I wasn't going
all the way back to zero.
Not all the way back to, let'ssay, the day after I graduated
from college.
Absolutely not.
Because what about all of thetransferable skills, life
skills, and lived experiencesthat I had to tap into?
(11:00):
And those lived experiences arethe very thing that gave me the
courage to stay true to myselfin this really stressful, wobbly
time in my life.
So let's talk about some ofthose times because it's from my
lived experiences, it's fromrecalling what I felt like in
(11:23):
those times and how I got myselfout of it that gave me that
strength.
So in 2003, I was getting myselfout of a very sticky, messy,
volatile, and tumultuousrelationship.
I had been seeing this man forabout a year and a half.
(11:44):
I met him at the end of 2001.
He was six years older than me.
And it was hot and heavy in thebeginning, and I was completely
love bombed and in my delusionalstate.
I thought that this was normal,you know, for somebody to want
to be with me all of the time,to shower me with gifts, to take
(12:04):
me out to dinner constantly, togive me all of his attention.
And then little by little bylittle, over time, the things
that he initially said he lovedabout me, how I was independent,
I was a hard worker, I put inthe time at the gym to take care
of myself, that I worked asecond job serving beer at a bar
(12:29):
in White Plains to havesupplemental income because my
full-time job was not thatgreat.
I mean, I had just graduatedcollege at this point, so I was
entry level.
And all of those things that heloved about me so much started
to bother him, and he started toslowly degrade me and slowly
pick me apart bit by bit, pieceby piece.
(12:51):
It was tactical, it wasstrategic, it was so
manipulative, and above all, itwas so controlling.
I started to feel like I wasbeing smothered in my own house.
Now, at this time, I had a cellphone, but it was common for
most people to have a phone intheir house, maybe with
(13:14):
voicemail or an answeringmachine.
And I remember he was upset withme once, and I was like trying
to pinpoint it and figure itout.
And then when I checked myanswering machines, there was a
message on my answering machinefrom my mother's boyfriend
asking if I could pick up a cakefor her birthday from a bakery
(13:39):
local to where I live.
And my boyfriend at the time,this maniac, was pissed off at
me that another man, again, mymom's boyfriend, called my
phone, left a message, and askedme to do something for him and
that he would reimburse me.
Where did he get my phonenumber?
Who does he think he is?
I mean, it just went on and on.
(14:00):
And every single day of thisrelationship, it was just up and
down and sideways.
It was the most crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions.
I have never been in a situationlike that since.
But in 2003, I had enough.
There had been a few instanceswhere things got physical
(14:22):
between us.
Um there was one instance wheremy glasses were broken off of my
face.
There was another instance whereI fell to the floor.
We were like kind of like, Idon't know, maybe wrestling each
other or something.
And I fell down to the floor andhe was kicking me in the ribs.
And I am so grateful that I gotout of that situation when I
(14:46):
did.
I do sometimes kick myself forallowing it to go on as long as
I did.
But when I tell you that thisperson was like um weeds in a
garden, he just would not goaway.
He just would not leave mealone.
And I knew probably, I don'tknow, I would say about eight
(15:07):
months to a year into therelationship, I knew that he
didn't love me.
I knew that he wasn't in lovewith me.
I knew that he just wanted tocontrol me.
You know, I had been easy tomanipulate in the beginning of
the relationship.
And it was just toxic from thestart.
(15:28):
It slowly maybe the first monthwas like the honeymoon phase,
and then it got toxic realquick.
I lost a friendship because ofthis guy.
I was isolated from my family.
I remember even at my job,someone had had touched me
inappropriately in the office.
And I reported it to HR and Ireported it to my manager, and I
(15:54):
was deathly afraid of himfinding out because I didn't
want him to retaliate.
And this is the kind of personthat would do that in a rage, in
a fury, fueled by passion andanger.
He used to do really stupidthings.
And I just really didn't wantanyone to get hurt.
So I kept it to myself.
(16:15):
And when I finally got out ofthat relationship, and I mean,
it took a while.
It wasn't a clean break.
It was probably weeks because hekept coming around and bothering
me, or, you know, saying he wasgonna ring all of the buzzers in
my apartment building atmidnight if I didn't let him in
to my apartment, or call thepolice and tell them that I
(16:36):
threw him out of his own home,even though he didn't live
there.
And it was just a fuckingnightmare.
But I learned and I learned awhole heck of a lot.
And primarily what I learned wasI never ever want to make anyone
feel this way.
You see, prior to thisrelationship, I definitely had a
(16:56):
temper, and I probably was toxicin my own ways.
I mentioned in an earlierepisode on the show that I went
on a trip to Puerto Rico with adifferent person that I was
dating several years prior tothis incident or to this
relationship, and I was prettytoxic on that trip.
And so being with this personwas almost like, whoa, a huge
(17:17):
mirror of the little thingsabout me that I wanted to change
and to make better.
And the point here of how thisconnects to my decision in 2024
is that, you know, I wasdepending on him for some of my
bills financially.
He had moved in temporarily andthen he moved out.
(17:38):
And that was part of like hislittle hook in my back.
And I vividly recall him sayingto me over the phone, you'll
never survive without me.
I pay for this, I pay for that.
And, you know, of course, thethe bills were in my name and he
would give me the cash for it,right?
And I remember saying to him, Idon't care if I'm homeless, I
(17:59):
don't care if I lose everything.
I will live in a box and it willbe my box on the street, and you
will not be allowed in it.
Stay away from me.
Leave me alone.
And my saving grace in thatwhole situation is that my dad
got out on parole and he movedin with me.
And so that kept this toxicperson away.
(18:19):
And let me tell you, was it hardfinancially?
Absolutely.
Did I have to get anotherbartending job?
Yes.
So there was a period of timewhere I was working Monday
through Friday full-time,bartending at one place on
Fridays, bartending at anotherplace on Saturdays, and
sometimes bartending at anotherplace on Sundays.
But I was doing what I had to doto make ends meet and to
(18:41):
survive.
And when you do something likethat, and when you develop that
grit, nothing can stand in yourway and nothing can stop you.
And small things stay small.
They don't blow up and becomethese huge problems because you
know you can get through it.
Now, another instance where Ihad to trust my gut was after
(19:03):
several years of competing incompetitive bodybuilding.
Now I had done a few showsprobably from 2000, where I
started the prep in 1999 untilabout 2003.
I took a break for six years andthen I got back on the stage in
2009.
And from 2009 to 2010, I didfive or six shows all very close
(19:25):
together.
That's a pretty short time frameto put yourself through a prep,
you know, rebound a little bitand then go right back into it.
And it got to the point where mybody was no longer responding.
So while I was in preparationfor two shows in 2010, and I was
riding the wave and the high ofdoing really well the year
(19:48):
prior, winning an overall title,getting a new Facebook group,
and I had thousands of friends,quote unquote, and people in the
industry, you know, giving me athumbs up and kudos and
congratulations.
And I had all this new successand a whole new network.
I was in the gym doing two tothree hours of cardio per day,
(20:08):
seven days a week, and liftingweights anywhere from an hour to
90 minutes, six to seven days aweek.
You heard me right.
I was working out every singleday, anywhere from three to five
hours, on top of having afull-time job.
Now, if you know anything aboutthe human body, it is an
(20:30):
amazing, fascinating machine.
But the human body adapts.
So if you start turning up theheat, it will respond, but then
it will adapt.
And then you're gonna have tomake some or other kind of
change.
See, change happens when youeither apply pressure or you
(20:52):
raise the temperature or youchange the environment.
And so in my case, my body wasalready so acclimated to doing
so much exercise that every timeI kept bumping up the exercise
and trimming down on the food, Iwould see a little bit of a
return, and then I wouldcontinue to plateau.
So it was like two stepsforward, one step back, two
(21:14):
steps forward, one step back.
And I'm somebody who doesn'tquit.
I'm somebody who says, No, I'mgonna see it through.
I had already booked my hoteland flight and paid for my show
entry.
I had my suit, I was getting mytanning stuff, I had all the
(21:35):
pieces in place.
I just needed to get my bodyready and I was not gonna quit.
But what happened was I got mypro card, and not too long after
that, I wound up seeing thetelltale signs of some really
serious damage to my metabolism.
(21:55):
I had impacted my kidneys, myliver, my My reproductive
system, I had fibroids, I wasgaining a ton of weight very
quickly, and I was still eatingon my bodybuilder diet.
And there are a lot of peopleout there that would say, Yeah,
right, you probably let yourselfgo.
(22:16):
You know, you were eating pastaevery day or you were having
tons of carbs.
No, no.
I stayed on that bodybuildingprep because I was so frightened
that if I just released thekraken, all hell was gonna break
loose.
So, what I mean by that is I gotmy pro card and I probably had a
victory meal or two, and then Iwas right back to the gym
(22:40):
because I had gotten my body soaccustomed to operating at a
certain level that if you juststop, you're gonna gain a ton of
weight almost overnight,seemingly overnight.
So you have to ramp it down.
And maybe you've heard of whatpeople call a reverse diet.
Now, there's mixed thoughtsabout this reverse diet stuff
(23:00):
because some people will say,well, you can reverse diet to
try to soften the blow of therebound after competing.
It just means it's good, you'regonna, you're gonna drag it out
a little bit longer and you'regonna slowly start to pyramid
back down, scaling back on yourexercise and slowly eat,
including more food, morecalories, more nutrients, and
(23:24):
then more variety into yourdiet.
So we're talking about you know,food sources, different
textures, the way you'repreparing your food.
At the peak of a bodybuildingshow prep, you're eating very
simple, very clean, and you'renot using a lot of ingredients.
You're using a lot of wholefoods, and it's very simple.
(23:45):
Most people are keeping itsimple.
They're using either like areally high-quality olive oil or
a macadamia nut oil, they'reusing salt and pepper, and
they're keeping their cookingmethods very simple.
Maybe in a pan, like searingsomething, using an air fryer,
or it's on a grill, or it'sbaked.
It's very, very basic.
(24:07):
So when you start adding allthese new ingredients and new
textures and new flavors, youhave to do it slowly.
But I did not even try toreverse.
I was actually trying to stay aslean as I possibly could.
So I was doing all of theexercise and adding just a
little bit of variety with myfood.
(24:28):
And yet, still, six months afterI got my pro card, I was about
55 pounds heavier than I was onthe day of my show.
Now, the day of my show, Iweighed probably around 110
pounds when I got the pro card.
My normal weight was about 121.
So, yes, it was a lot heavierthan show day, but it was still
(24:53):
a lot heavier than my normalweight.
And the only thing that I coulddo, once I slowly started to
surrender and I realized that Icould not continue operating at
that heightened frequency andthat intensity level with my
workouts, I slowly started topeel back, slowly started to
pyramid down, and I just had tolet go.
(25:17):
And for a solid, I would say twoto two and a half years, I lived
very uncomfortably in a bodythat felt like it was completely
foreign to me.
So my weight was above anythingI had ever seen in my life.
I think the highest I ever sawon the scale was 165.
(25:39):
I am five foot one in height.
So for me, weighing 165 poundswas really uncomfortable.
It was uncomfortable to walk upand down stairs.
I hated the way that I looked.
My skin felt really tightbecause I was so inflamed and
just holding a ton of waterunderneath my skin.
(26:03):
I slowly started to heal my bodyfrom the inside out.
I continued exercising, but Iwas living in shame.
I would go to the gym with abaseball hat pulled all the way
down on my face, a hoodie withthe strings like tightened right
under my chin.
I was hiding my complete body.
Even in the summer months, Iwould work out with like a fully
(26:24):
zipped up hooded sweatshirt andlong pants.
Uh, yoga pants that had thefoldover waistline were my
absolute go-to because theydidn't squeeze me or make me
feel uncomfortable.
And I wound up joining adifferent gym because I did not
want to see everyone that Iknew, people who saw me at my
absolute best, and now they weregonna see me at what I thought
(26:46):
was my absolute worst.
But in that time, I knew that Iwas going to find my way.
Where a lot of people would havegiven up, where a lot of people
would say, Oh, this must be yournew norm now.
You just have to get used to it.
(27:07):
I absolutely refused.
I said, fuck no, there is noway.
I am not going to stay here.
I don't care how long it takesme, the time will pass
regardless.
And I didn't do it from amaniacal sense or from an
obsessed sort of controllingsense.
I didn't have any sort of messedup relationships with food,
(27:28):
thank goodness.
Although I do see it all thetime, where a bodybuilding show
really can exacerbate whatsomeone has going on under the
surface.
If you have mental healthissues, it's certainly not going
to make things better for you.
If you um have some emotionalregulation issues, bodybuilding
(27:48):
is gonna make you just lose yourmind because you're putting so
much pressure on yourself andyou're living with tunnel vision
for one day, for one moment of aday, and then it's over.
And just like that, everybody'sforgotten you.
The lights go down, the suitgets put back in the closet, and
you're left to live with themess of all of the messed up
(28:08):
decisions and choices that youmade when you were not thinking
straight during yourbodybuilding show prep.
And I remember people saying,Oh, you know, maybe this is just
the new body that you have tolive with.
You know, you are older now,like it's gonna be a lot harder
for you.
And I refused to accept thatnarrative.
(28:31):
I refused to listen.
I would tell people, you don'tknow what you're talking about.
I would tell people, yeah, thatmight be true for somebody else,
but not for me.
And I have to say, it was a fewyears, but it was really,
really, really uncomfortable forme because I felt like I was
(28:52):
living in someone else's body.
Now I remember vividly in thesummer of 2014, I had already
changed careers.
I had moved into personaltraining because of my personal
experiences.
I knew that I had to help otherwomen that were going to be
making the same mistakes that Idid.
That's really what was the umcatapult or the thing that like
(29:18):
pushed me into getting intofitness full time because this
was not my dream gig, let metell you, not at all.
But it ended up being the bestthing I could ever do for myself
and for other people because Ihave met so many wonderful human
beings and I have helped peopleto not only just avoid not
making the same mistakes that Imade, but to share what I
(29:39):
experienced in the hopes ofmaybe shining a light on a
situation that they might notsee from social media or they
might not understand.
So anyway, I remember thissummer of 2014.
Now we're going four years, fouryears after I got my pro card.
And I remember working out, andI was working out at this big
(30:01):
box gym I used to work at, whichwas awesome.
I was there for over five years.
I loved working there.
I had great clients there andthey treated me great.
But I remember at some point Ihad to leave because I had
outgrown everything.
And I remember the summer of2014.
I had been at this gym forprobably about six months.
(30:21):
I started working there at theend of 2013.
And I remember looking at myselfin the mirror and saying, Whoa,
oh my gosh, wait a minute.
I I recognized that reflectionfor the first time.
And at that point, I wasprobably weighing around 145
pounds.
So at the peak, 165, I haddropped about 20 pounds.
(30:45):
And was I anywhere near where Iwanted to be?
No.
But did I at least see like alittle glimmer of like a
jawline?
Yes.
And just see a little bit of myold shape that I once had, yes.
And it made me really happy.
Now I know that people arelistening to this and I'm
(31:06):
talking all about the way Ilook, but I also felt fabulous.
I had been working with a doctorto get everything under control.
I did a liver detox.
I got my cycle back to normal.
I was doing a different type oftraining.
I was just more grounded, morecalm, more at peace.
(31:31):
And I was a lot happier.
So I pursued this thing inbodybuilding, the thing I
thought I wanted.
And once I got it, it didn'tchange a fucking thing for me.
And it actually brought me, itbrought me joy in the moment,
but it also brought me a lot oflife lessons.
And it's through all of thoseexperiences over, I would say,
(31:52):
about four years of living indiscomfort, of feeling insecure,
of basically wearing the samethree or four outfits because I
refused to buy new clothing, ofseeing my reflection and being
like, all right, like doing thebest I can with what I got right
now, and knowing that I was notgoing to stay there, knowing
(32:14):
that I was going to get to abetter place, knowing that I was
going to heal my body, knowingthat I could get myself back to
a place where I felt morecomfortable, more confident, and
felt joy again from the insideout.
Now, the last story before I tieall of this together, and I know
this episode is a little bitlonger, but bear with me.
(32:37):
In 2021, that was the last timeI saw my dad, and we met for
Father's Day.
And I realized at the end ofthat meal that in order for me
to move forward with my life, Iwas gonna have to just remove
(32:59):
myself from his.
So from 1990 to 2003, when I wasfirst 12 years old until I was
25, I supported my dad.
I was his ride or die.
I did everything for him.
Phone calls, packages, visits,letters.
(33:24):
2003 he gets out of jail.
He's on parole for seven years.
Who do you think he lived with?
Me.
That's how I got rid of theex-boyfriend that I talked about
in the first story here.
Because my dad moved in with me.
Clothes, a phone, a resume, aplace to live, food, shelter,
(33:50):
protection.
And also the big one that Ithink is easy to miss, I had to
reassimilate my dad into theworld.
When he went to jail, the C Dwas a brand new device.
When he came out of jail, peoplehad phones in their pockets.
So it was a world that he didnot know.
(34:13):
And through the years of himbeing on parole, I started to
really see more about who hewas.
Now I'm an adult.
Now I can't be persuaded,influenced, or manipulated.
I could make decisions formyself.
I can see what's what.
And I remember slowly startingto remove the veil and see who
(34:40):
my dad really is.
And over the course of time, Imean, he got out on parole in
2003.
So I'm talking about 2021.
So it's a long period of time,17, 18 years.
And over that period of time,our relationship went through
the ringer.
It was up, it was down, wedidn't talk, we would sometimes
talk, but I really started tosee who he was.
(35:03):
And uh, you know, I don't wantto throw anybody under the bus,
but there were a few instanceswhere I got screwed over.
And I had to come to thisrealization that my dad is not
the person who I thought he was,is not the person who I wanted
him to be.
And sometimes, and maybe this isrelevant for you, you're going
(35:26):
to find yourself, you know,wanting to do better in life,
wanting to level up.
You're taking advantage of thoseopportunities for upward
mobility.
And then you go back to your oldneighborhood or you go see your
cousins or you visit yourchildhood friends, and somebody
says, Man, you've changed.
Isn't that the whole point?
I don't want to be stagnant.
(35:48):
I don't want to stay the same.
I want to continue growing andevolving.
And if we can do that at thesame pace and we're going in the
same direction, amazing.
But if we're not, that's alsookay too.
Because I want you to come withme, but I'm not going to drag
you.
And I'm not saying, please know,I'm not saying that you have to
do this and that it makes you abetter person.
(36:10):
But I know for me, I foundmyself in a place in life where
it felt like every time I wasdoing just a little bit better,
I was getting a phone call aboutsomeone needing something,
whether it was my time, a ride,to get bailed out, to get given
money.
And those days are over.
(36:30):
Those days are over.
In fact, as a young adult, Iremember there was a period of
time where every guy I met and Iwould start dating, I would tell
him, listen, you get jammed up,you go to jail, you're on your
own.
I'm done.
I am done.
I'm never doing that again.
Because I did that for 13 yearsfrom my father, and then I did
(36:53):
it virtually.
I never went to visit my brotherin jail, but I did it virtually
for my brother for anotherperiod of time after that.
So I am tapped out.
Okay.
Mm-mm.
No more collect calls, no moreletters, no more packages, no
more visits.
No.
And then I realized maybe Icould have the conversation
(37:14):
start off a little bitdifferently.
Maybe I can embody that feelingand that vibe without having to
actually say it explicitly inwords.
But I got to this point in 2021where I was like, you know what?
Things have to change.
And the only person that can dothat is me.
So now I want to connect thethread here because I know I
(37:37):
said a whole heck of a lot.
And if you're still with me,thank you so much for your time.
Because going back to 2003,getting out of an abusive
relationship, 2000 I would say10, up until about 2014, blindly
leading myself through healingmy body and my health from the
(37:58):
inside out, even though I hadabsolutely no physical signs or
manifestations that it waspossible or that I could ever do
it.
I just had this unwavering faithin myself.
And then in 2021, making a verypainful decision to go no
contact with somebody who I grewup adoring and putting on a
pedestal and having tore-evaluate everything in my
(38:20):
life and putting me first.
And in all three of thoseinstances, those were really
difficult choices where I had tosay, okay, I have to trust
myself here.
I don't have any concrete proofof anything, I don't have a
roadmap, I don't have signs, Ihave absolutely nothing guiding
(38:43):
me, but I know myself.
And I know I can do hard things,and I know that I can trust
myself to get through thischallenge.
And so going back to 2024, whichwas literally, it was May of
2024.
I was just about two years andchange ago, I decided to be
(39:06):
brave.
I decided to take a risk, and Idecided to put me first.
Because if I stayed at that jobin Long Island, it was not gonna
get any better.
I was commuting 90 minutes eachway.
I was taking phone calls allmorning, all night.
I was miserable.
And every decision, every move Imade in that role that I got
(39:30):
hired to do, and then thegoalpost kept moving around was
being questioned.
It was the most insane thing.
It was like working for a teamof narcissists where like one
person said something and thenthey would gaslight you, and
then the next day somebody elsewould say something and then
gaslight you.
And I was like, you guys arebeyond fucked up.
(39:50):
Anyway, we don't need to becomplaining about that because
it's in my past, and all ofthose people can go fuck
themselves.
But we're in a better placebecause we trusted ourselves.
Now I'm saying we because I wantyou to get a little bit of this
vibe of this energy.
You can trust yourself.
(40:10):
You know when something is notgood for you, and you know that
you have the ability to make achange.
You see, what gets people stuckis that they think they don't
have choices.
If you're in a toxic situationor if you're in an abusive
relationship, it it becomesalmost like it's almost like
(40:31):
people who get out of prison andthen they don't know how to live
in the real world.
See, that is a huge contributingfactor to why so many people end
up going back, because theunknown is frightening.
It's like releasing an animalthat's been raised in captivity
into the wild, the likelihood ofsurvival is is pretty slim.
(40:54):
It's low because they knownothing else.
But if you know yourself, if youknow, okay, I got myself out of
that shit five years ago, whatcould I learn from that
experience to get myself out ofthis one now?
So on that note, let's talkabout three takeaways for you.
(41:18):
Number one, if you're waitingfor proof before you trust
yourself, consider this proofcomes after you take the leap
and almost never before.
Think about that.
Number two, start tracking yourpatterns.
Look back at moments in yourlife where you trusted yourself
(41:41):
with no confirmation.
Can you think of any?
Can you look at the patterns?
That's your evidence that youcan do it again.
There's your proof.
And then lastly, if you feellike you're protecting yourself
from someone or something, ajob, a relationship, a family
(42:01):
member, reframe it so that yousee it as establishing a
boundary to put self-trust intoaction and not as something that
you owe an explanation for.
Stop saying you're sorry.
So again, I would not have beenso bold and acted so bravely in
(42:21):
2024 without my past livedexperiences to think about, to
touch upon, to rely on.
And yes, that is what becomingunbreakable really means.
It's about knowing that you gotyourself.
And this is why becomingunbreakable has become my life's
(42:45):
mission.
This is my life's work.
It's not just about teachingwomen what not to do if they
want to do a bodybuilding show,but it's really about teaching
women that if they choose to dohard things repeatedly over and
over on a consistent basis, theywill develop self-trust.
They will embody the things thatthey want, they will understand
(43:05):
that they have the agency withinand they will develop
self-autonomy and not dependencyon someone else.
See, when you get all of thosethings down pat, and it is a
practice, it's never going to beperfect.
But when you get all of thosethings down pat, you don't need
anybody's approval.
You don't need anybody's input,you don't need anybody's
(43:27):
opinion.
Because you got you.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
I really appreciate your timeand attention week after week.
If you enjoyed this episode,please do me a huge favor and
rate the show and give me acouple stars.
It helps the show become morevisible and discoverable by
(43:49):
other amazing people who want tojoin our community.
I appreciate you as always, andI will catch you on the next
one.
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