S4 E10: Tears of Liberation through Healing, Faith, and Breaking Generational Cycles with Samuel Alford

In this powerful episode of Unspoken: Conversations with Candace, poet, filmmaker, and advocate Samuel Alfred shares his journey of surviving childhood trauma, reclaiming his voice through art, and breaking free from generational cycles of silence and pain.

Samuel opens up about:

• The inspiration behind his spoken word piece “I Stand on My Desk” and the meaning of tears of liberation.
• Surviving childhood abuse, neglect, and the lasting impact of generational trauma.
• Confronting an abuser and finding peace on his own terms.
• The role of faith, therapy, and community in healing.
• Setting healthy boundaries and rejecting false family solidarity.
• His vision of life after trauma—thriving, creating, and inspiring others through art and advocacy.

This heartfelt conversation is filled with courage, wisdom, and raw truth, offering hope for anyone walking the path of healing and resilience.

⏱ Timestamps
 00:00 – Welcome & Introduction to Samuel Alfred
 04:20 – Samuel’s Creative Journey & “I Stand on My Desk” Performance
 14:05 – Childhood Trauma, Abuse, and Early Struggles
 28:10 – The Power of Truth-Telling: You Can’t Heal What You Don’t Reveal
 35:45 – Confronting an Abuser & Entering with Your Own Peace
 44:20 – Faith, Boundaries, and Breaking Generational Cycles
 55:10 – Healing Through Advocacy, Art, and Community
 01:10:15 – Finding Identity, Wholeness & A New Narrative
 01:17:30 – Candace’s Reflections & Full Circle Blessings

No matter where you are in your healing journey, Samuel’s story is a powerful reminder that your pain does not define you, your voice has power, and thriving is possible. If this episode resonates, share it with someone who needs encouragement—and don’t forget to subscribe for more conversations that break the silence and inspire hope.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_02 (00:10):
Welcome to Unspoken Conversations with Candace,
where we talk openly about tabootopics in order to spark
difficult and uncomfortableconversations, where we allow a
safe place for anyone who hashad trauma to be heard.
Unspoken Conversations withCandace is about speaking your

(00:31):
truth by using your voicebecause you matter.
I am so excited to have SamuelAlford in my studio today.

(00:56):
It is, I always pre-record myepisodes.
So for those of you that havelistened to my show, so I'm a
Wisconsin girl, born and raisedhere in Wisconsin.
I was born and raised in Racine,migrated to the Oak Creek,
Franklin, and now I live in theMilwaukee area.
Um I record in my home studio,which is in my basement.
And I'm just so happy that I'vebeen doing this now.

(01:16):
I'm in my fourth season of mypodcast, Samuel.
So thank you for being part ofseason four.
And I always introduce you to, Ialways introduce my guests to
the listeners.
So I'm gonna introduce you.
And as we were chatting andprepping for today, I said, I'm
gonna, I loved your, I love yourIG account because it has so
much great content.
Thank you.
And so I think that's part ofyour title.

(01:38):
So I'm gonna go down all thelist of the I I called I called
you the jack of all trades,right?
So first and foremost, you know,God's son.
So you are a man of God and andyou are a child and and of God.
And so you and then you saidconsultant, you you are also a
curator, an advocate,interdisciplinary artist, a

(01:59):
poet, filmmaker, andphotographer.
And then I loved on your IG howyou claimed it, and you said
future author, PhD, professor,and preacher.
Amen.
Amen.
And I know you said you haveyour associates in business,
you've also have a servcertificate in entrepreneurship.
I think that's amazing.
That I think that's why it saysall of the things and all when I

(02:21):
say jack of all trades, all thethings that you do.
You're featured in the WallStreet Journal, and you were, I
think you mentioned your keynoteat Rip Rip and College.
Yes.
So, and how we connected.
So I like to tell people howfunny story it is.
So, divine design.
I'm a big proponent of divinedesign, does divine alignment or
people come into your path?
You don't know how or when, butwhen you cross my path, I so

(02:44):
Matt Gateris is a mutual friendof ours.
And when I went to Matt ZocoloPoetry Night, and you s gave
your you did your reading, yourpoet.
Yeah, and it was I stand on mydesk.
Yes, and I heard you, right?
I was blown away.

(03:06):
And I think the one thing that Iremember that just when you
mentioned in your poem tears ofliberation, those three words
like spoke to my heart.
So just it did.
I wrote that down because Iremember like those three words
when you said that, I was like,wow, to be liberated, tears, you

(03:27):
know, pain that you feel, andwhen you get liberated by
speaking your truth, coming outwith your story.
Those three words spoke to methat night.
And every time I hear you saythat poem, those three words, it
reminds me of when the firsttime I met you.
And then the second time I sawyou was I actually wrote that
crying.
You wrote that crying.

SPEAKER_00 (03:47):
A piece of it.
I was crying.

SPEAKER_02 (03:49):
Would you mind saying your poem here on my
podcast?

SPEAKER_00 (03:52):
Yeah, I say it.
Would you I give a littlebackdrop?
I was an undergrad at Universityof Parks.
It's near the woods.
I'm in a leadership class, andwe watched this movie in my
leadership class, and Iresonated with the main
protagonist, main character somuch, and I just saw myself and
his struggle to be his own man,to liberate himself from the

(04:15):
vice grips of academia and hisdad's expectations on him.
And it was Dead Pole Society.
And at the end, you know,there's a point in there we have
him stand on the desk to see theworld from a different vantage
point.
Excuse me.
No worries.
I joke with Candace sometimewhen I get near a mic because I
used to rap it.
And I get a lot, but yourlisteners are getting to know me
very well.
That's what it's all about.

(04:35):
Let's all relax and have a greattime.

SPEAKER_02 (04:37):
That's right.
That's right.
That's why we're here.
Yes.
In the comfort of my home tohave comfort.

SPEAKER_00 (04:41):
And this is a beautiful basement, y'all.
This ain't no regular base.
Refinished, gorgeous basement.
Sidebar.
Sidebar.

SPEAKER_02 (04:47):
But no, but I but I when I bought this house, did I
ever think I would have apodcast?
No.
Down here, it, you know, theseed was planted, and here we
are.
So again.

SPEAKER_00 (04:56):
So yeah.
Number one, thank you for havingme.
I just had to say that I wrotethis piece, I stand on my desk.
And as I walked down thestairwell out of my class on a
Friday night, well no, why Itake an under Friday class in
undergrad?
I I just cried slowly.
And I kept saying, I stand on mydesk, walk it down the house.
Then I walked, so the stars areout.

(05:19):
I walk off the orange lightbeating path to the woods, and
there's an outdoor classroom.
Literally, an outdoor classroom,wood stumps, one that looks like
they're with the lecture, thepodium.
And I start just writing and Iscribble, I'm scribbling.
I look up at the stars.
I'm like, God, help me say this.
And I write it, and I'm writing,and I'm writing.

(05:40):
And then I start crying outthere.
I stand on my desk.
And I'm like, you know, spokenword artist in that tradition.
And I'm going in.
And I just, now that I'mprobably familiar with
epigenetics, where people getcan have generational trauma.
And a way to heal epigenetics isto get into a new environment
and do healthy healing practice.
So here I am, miles away from myhome, miles away from my family,

(06:03):
watch this piece of art to helpinform me to see myself
differently.
And I'm defying convention fromthe bad public school system
when it was bad when I wasyounger, and defying all this
stuff.
And God is peeling off layersunder the stars in the woods
near my school as I'm right,urban guy riding in this outdoor
classroom inspired by RobinWilliams, The Dead Poor Society.

(06:26):
And it's just anointed and it'sraw and it's real.

SPEAKER_02 (06:28):
And it's an amazing poem.
And I just every time I hear yousay it, I just those three
words, I wait for those threewords.
Yeah.
Because those were the ones thatspoke to me the very first time
I heard you say that poem.

SPEAKER_00 (06:43):
You want me to do some of it?

SPEAKER_02 (06:44):
I would love for you to do it all, all of it on my
podcast because it's that.
It's it's all right.

SPEAKER_00 (06:49):
I'm gonna stand up.
You might have to turn me down.

SPEAKER_02 (06:51):
Okay, hold on.
Let me do the mic here.
This is all live, which is whatI love.

SPEAKER_00 (06:55):
We was joking rappers and microphones and all
that, but no.
Okay, so yeah, a lot of peoplelike this poem and it's carried
me through in different ways.
Let me know when you're ready.
Check one, two, one, two.
Okay.
I stand on my desk, heartbeating in my chest, wanting to
be better than my best.
I stand on my desk.

(07:16):
Sorry, Papa.
I don't have the plans that youit's a little different doing it
with headphones.
Earpiece off to hear myself.

SPEAKER_02 (07:24):
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Awesome.
All right, take a take a sip ofwater.

SPEAKER_00 (07:28):
That's a full contact sport.

SPEAKER_02 (07:30):
Oh, I I'm telling you, and so when you did that,
and then I saw you at Zocolo,and then you know, about I don't
know how long it was, and then Isaw you at your brother's
wedding.
Yes, you know, we have a mutualfriend, and so being there, and
then and so I'm sitting there atthe mass at your brother's
wedding, and you get up to givethe reading, and I was like, I
know him from somewhere, but Icouldn't place you, right?

(07:51):
I'm like, I know his voice, Iknow his face.
And then is the minute youstarted speaking, I took out a
piece of paper from my purse andI put a stand on my desk.
And then that's then I went upto you later at the reception
and I said, Do you remember me?
So that was when our paths crossagain.
But just again, thank you forbeing here and really just you

(08:12):
know, I I've been following youfor a while now and seeing you
go live on on IG and then alsojust you sharing your story.
I saw you and you said you haddone this a while back, but you
were on the 411 live show withBeverly Taylor and Kat Turner.
Yes, and so when you were onthat show, I listened to your
the three, I think it was athree-part series, or there were
three different segments thatwere shown on your IG that I

(08:32):
watched.

SPEAKER_00 (08:32):
Then I added some later.

SPEAKER_02 (08:33):
And you added some content later.
But I think, you know, it waswhen you talked in those
segments.
I think that's why I'm like, Ijust would really love for you
to be on on my podcast to sharejust you know what you wanted to
share.
And because you talk about truthtelling.
You talk about men want to berespected, women want to be
loved, right?
You talked about you can't healwhat you don't reveal.
I had a guest on my show thatthat was the name of her, that

(08:55):
was the name of her episode.
She's like, what you don'treveal cannot be healed.

SPEAKER_03 (09:00):
Right.

SPEAKER_02 (09:00):
That was the name.
So it was like, I'm like, I justjust again, thank you for being
here and being open to sharing,you know, your story because you
know, I'm a survivor, you're asurvivor, but we like to say
that we're thriving because weget up every day and show up.

SPEAKER_00 (09:12):
Amen.
Amen.
That's it.

SPEAKER_02 (09:14):
Yep.

SPEAKER_00 (09:14):
Thriving, that's what it's about.
Resilient.
And like I just pause becauseI'm cognizant of uh I'm just
gonna talk.

SPEAKER_02 (09:20):
No, talk, talk, no, talk.
We're just just open, opendiscussion.

SPEAKER_00 (09:24):
Yeah, so I feel like God sent me here to get him some
glory, right?
I feel like God sent me here toto stunt, you know.
I didn't always think thatbecause I used I've I've
survived so much trauma and andjust disparate things I've seen
throughout my maturation.
I'm like, I didn't even ask tobe here.

(09:44):
Well, you know, the thought wasI don't even want to be here in
my early 20s.
Not that I was explicitlysuicidal, but it was like, it's
not fair.
I didn't choose this.
Right.
You know, so I was born to twoteenage, late teenage parents.
So my father and grandmothermoved from Jackson, Mississippi
to I think, what was it, Gary orSouth Bend, Indiana, where my

(10:05):
mother was.
My mother became best friendswith her older daughter, his
sister.
And then they began to date.
I'm birthed out of a lateteenage love story, and then
they eventually becometransplants to Milwaukee.
Uh, Milwaukee, contextually, ifI take y'all down from like a
satellite and we zoom down atdifferent levels to Milwaukee

(10:25):
where I'm from, from the eastside of Milwaukee, Haran Bay
area.
Mostly grew up fourth andlocust, second in our.
Milwaukee's been historicallythe worst place to raise a black
child, educate a black child,most segregated in the nation.
I don't, you know, I don't love,I don't love enumerating stats,
but I have to give peoplecontext.
So, most segregated, worst placeto raise a black child,
currently the second poorest inthe nation.

(10:47):
And I'm born in, you know, andI'm born here to a 19-year-old
and a 20-year-old.
Now, the funny thing about mybirth, my birthday is two days
after my mom.
And she says she it's poetichumor.
She prayed that I wouldn't takeher birthday.
So when is your birthday,Samuel?
November 26th.

SPEAKER_01 (11:05):
So it's two days after hers.

SPEAKER_02 (11:07):
Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_00 (11:08):
You know what I mean?
And my name is Samuel, whichmeans God hurt.
So God, you know, He honoredthat.
I came two days after.
But the funnier part of it is Ididn't come out.
I didn't want to leave, you knowwhat I mean?
Like I've like, so she 19 hoursof labor.
Oh, she got on all fours, thisand that.
And the the poetic part again isfunny, is that I tried to come
out feet first.

(11:28):
I tried to come out bridge.

SPEAKER_01 (11:29):
Like, you try to mock a seizure out the wound.

SPEAKER_00 (11:32):
That's a heck of a faith ask to ask somebody.
Just turn around.
This thing is pushing you out,and you hear this noise outside.
Just leave.
So I've struggled with somefaith, you know, out the gate,
but you know, I've grown in it,I've changed since.
So, but they said, Well, we'regonna have to cut you open.
And this was God, but she said,like, I heard her, and then I
turned around.

SPEAKER_02 (11:51):
Oh, wow.
You can't you're like, No,you're not.

SPEAKER_00 (11:54):
Don't cut her.
Let me get up with it.
Let me get up.
But I there was some turmoilbefore me being born.
You know, there was differentlike squabbles and so I think
part of me wonders me fightingthe spirit of fear, which was a
part of my old narrative.
And then I'm like, all right,you know, I gotta go out here
and then I but you know, getpushed out that comfort zone
because I I overheard things andmaybe, you know what I mean?

(12:17):
And all these different things.
And I get out and I'm okay.
So I'm born, I start walking ateight months, talking around
that time.
And before I was officially one,she said I tried to cook a hot
dog in the white away.

SPEAKER_02 (12:30):
I wouldn't You've advanced for your age, Samuel.

SPEAKER_00 (12:33):
Right.
So I think we're born withbrilliant, we're born brilliant,
we're born like knowing God in away.
Of course, we still got you knowour challenges and sin.
And if I think we're bornbrilliant, we're born.
There's something in speechpathologists called universal
adaptability adaptability, whereinfant can learn any language in
the world.
So that's how, you know, theycan learn any language.

(12:54):
So universal adaptability,metaphorically, I think that can
go and we can learn anything inthe world, good or bad, healthy
or non-healthy.
But my father had a mentalhealth challenge and had his own
issues at different things.
And uh and I honor him overall,but you know, yeah, I got hurt
when I was younger by him indifferent ways.
So at three years old, he triedto make me talk correctly, speak

(13:17):
well, and all this.
But at times he would hit me andlike repeat after me, say it
again.
Say it again, like say it again.
I said fruck, F-U-R-C-K, tryingto say truck, he said truck, you
know.
So that was a thing, you knowwhat I mean?
It got extreme there, you know,little pinches, little punch, a
punch in the chest.
Let me just call it what it was.

(13:38):
And then I experienced an oldercousin, the younger version of
me, like he m he molested me.
So this was oral.
I wasn't penetrated, but it hedid it to me, had me did it to
him, and I think he was barely apreteen.
So that that was different, andI think that kind of pushed
younger Sam kind of back intohis.

(13:58):
So I I think the younger versionof me internalized some shame,
right?
And some fear.
I could remember at times ingeneral, before some of this
happened.
So before the bullet state, mymom said I would correct adults.
No, no, so you didn't say thatright.
Say this like that.

SPEAKER_02 (14:17):
Well, I mean, it it makes sense if your dad was
having you correct, you know,truck, fruck, truck.
Yes.
I mean, that's kind of why youwould correct people.

SPEAKER_00 (14:25):
Right.
And then outside of that, justwhat God gave me organically,
this and that.
Um so then that changed me some,the the hitting, and then the
sexual abuse.
And then I mean, I got cousinsand female cousins.
So you little kids do a littlehunching, touching, and this and
that.
Hunching is a colloquial blackterm for meaning, like, or we're
saying being managed.

(14:45):
But none of that went too far.
Nothing really, but you know,that had this and in black and
brown communities the thing tonot talk about this, right?

SPEAKER_02 (14:52):
So and I would say kissing cousins, right?
I mean, you might be attracted,or not, I don't want to even get
it.

SPEAKER_00 (14:57):
And it wasn't like six years old.
Exactly.
You know, it's like it's it'sbarely anything, but it's still
not something you should do.

SPEAKER_02 (15:04):
Correct.
And and I'll only I'll say itwith this is that I remember
being because I was molestedbetween the age of five to
fifteen.
I was molested by an uncle andthen a stepfather.
So my uncle from five to roughlyseven, eight, and then my
stepfather started grooming atthe age 11, and then we didn't
penetration didn't happen untilwhen I was like almost 14 to 15.
And then I wanted to commitsuicide because I thought I was

(15:25):
pregnant by my abuser at 15.
So I so all those trauma events,but at five, because I was being
molested, like touching othercousins, like again, because
you're acting out, and Iremember like somebody peeking
in and seeing, but then not likeaddressing, you know.
So it's just like again, theunspoken, the the things you
don't address, which maybe we'renot equipped, we weren't

(15:47):
equipped, or nobody talked aboutit.
We just always to evenarticulate articulate what was
going on or how to address it.
Cause then I I wondered if maybethat person would have addressed
what was happening with thecousins.
Yeah, would I would havesomething been done or stopped
or questioned or where are youlearning this or why?
You know what I mean?
To little kids because they'reinnocently I'm l I'm acting out
something that someone's doingto me.

(16:08):
Yeah, you know, yeah.
So I just I say that because youbrought that up and it was like
perfect because I've experiencedsomething like that.

SPEAKER_00 (16:15):
Appreciate you.
Yeah, I appreciate your bravery.
You just telling a story at thedrop of a hat and just having
this platform.
So shout out to you for real.

SPEAKER_02 (16:23):
Thank you, thank you, Samuel.

SPEAKER_00 (16:25):
My the peace of mind, the the cousins, and it
was light, it wasn't a wholebunch of all of but you know,
this was even with clothes on,but it's still at times people
will be like, come here, andthen you know, you know, and it
just but it's still it just whatit does is it can nurture you to
be like, oh, your body is herefor this, or you don't have
agency, or somebody else callyou, come here, and they just

(16:47):
rub on you or whatever and allthat.
Like, that's not God and it'snot good.
And just so one to four, one toeight are the formative years,
right?
So I've been acculturated indifferent ways.
Some positive and it's negative.
I lived in a duplex for the mainpart of my half my youth, at
least with my grandmother, whowas the matriarch.

(17:08):
First cousin with Fannie LouHamer, the civil rights activist
who said I'm sick and tired,I've been sick and tired.
She used to keep her house andthey were close.
Fanny Lou actually wanted tolike adopt her from her mother,
you know.
That didn't happen.
But she was awesome.
But so I also affirm and honormy folks.
But it's a duplex, all thesekids, a one ain't he live up
here.
You know, we were they weretransplants from Mississippi and

(17:30):
Indiana, all this stuff.
No excusing, nobody, but still Ioverstand, not just understand.
And then, yeah, it is what itis.
So I had a parent, I was playingwith the aisle stove.
They said, hey, don't do that nomore.
Just one time I did it.
He walked out, I did it again,and it was my pop, so it is what
it is.
But I did it again, and he said,Man, I told you, and he held my

(17:53):
thumb in the f for like threeseconds.
I told you not to do that.
You know what I mean?
He witnessed a tragic loss as ayouth.
And I just use it at that, leaveit at that.
And had troubles in school andall that.
But had some early trauma,raised in Mississippi, then
bounced around.
You know, so he's seen his ownthing.
But so he had thishyper-vigilance and his own

(18:14):
diagnosis, which he didn'tascribe to.
And I don't see much remnant,like I don't see nowadays
nothing too like, okay, thatmakes me think something is
seriously wrong.
But I just got to affirm what itis, tell my story.
I'm definitely not finna shut upfor nobody in the world when I
had to endure this in my body.
So I love and respect and honorhim, but the story, what it was,

(18:34):
is what it was, right?
We did a different place.
But I yeah, I got burned on thestove.
And I seen domestic violence,and I seen my mom was more numb.
She was more numb.
And I I didn't I didn't get realabuse from her per se.
Like I got just neglect.
Not neglect like she leaving meand not feeding.
No, she fed me.
She went to work, she worked thesame job 27 years, had five

(18:56):
kids, you know what I mean?
Married my father, all that.
You know what I mean?
So I had an older sister,Nicole, who she had her, she
went through things.
So I had challenges in terms oflike, say I was another kid,
inject another kid of anotherrace in this family.
Say you inject a white boy intothis same experience as I had,
he would get a whole lot muchmore empathy for being punched

(19:18):
in the chest, blessed it,burned.
And then imagine telling thisother child of another race,
hey, don't say nothing aboutthis.
Why?
Because the system, because whylike the yeah, we got systemic
issues of racism and legalstuff, but this is still wrong.

SPEAKER_02 (19:35):
Exactly.
Exactly.
And I I can the so I had apodcast guest earlier today that
talked about her and her brotherbeing abused by their dad, their
father, and them not wanting tosay anything because they knew
if they said anything, theycould be broken up as siblings
in foster care or to the system,and then it could be even worse.

(19:55):
Who knows what would happen,right?
And I know for me, I never saidanything when I was younger
about what was going on at homebecause my abuser made me to
believe that if I said anything,I'd be left with him anyways
because something would happento my mom.

SPEAKER_00 (20:08):
Oh no.
Yeah, that's whack.

SPEAKER_02 (20:09):
So, I mean, again, manipulation and trying to make
you believe what's not true, butso that they have control and
that power and control over you.
I'm sorry.
No, we're sharing, we're sharingopenly stories.

SPEAKER_00 (20:20):
Verbose, robust discourse.
Uh, I experienced ADHD, and oneof the things is cutting people
off.
But you know, I'm good.
So I've been in therapy for someyears.
I do take medicine for ADHD.
But the point I was gonna say iswhy do children have to do that
emotional labor?
You or me or whoever arethinking like, let me one, they
gotta process the pain, but thenthey're not just being

(20:43):
responsible for themselves,they're being responsible for
other for adults.
Like, I don't want to reportthis because I have to take
responsibility for this adultwho's messing with a child who
can't consent.
So then you're trying to, you'relearning to protect people from
the consequences of their ownactions.

(21:03):
Ain't like uh when somebody'slifting weights in the gym or
something, you come spot on,it's like, why do the emotional
labor to do that's their guilt?
That's their shame.
You shouldn't lift the weight.
I don't care if somebody'slistening who's an adult and
still doing emotional labor forthat uncle or for that
stepmother or that mother orwhoever at the party.

(21:25):
Like, that's so unfair.
There's child labor laws thatthey can't get a job.
If they can't legally get a jobor consent to work with unsafe
materials or different things,they dang sure can't do the job
of managing somebody else'ssexual perversion.

SPEAKER_02 (21:42):
Yes.
I second that wholeheartedly.
I recently I took a class, theadvocacy training through belief
survivors and racing.
And during that training, Ilearned the sexual assault laws
for the first time.
And knowing that, you know,class A, class B, class C
felonies that could with yearsof what could happen, 40 years,
all depends, right, on what theyand how many times they do it to

(22:04):
a child, right?

SPEAKER_03 (22:05):
Wow.

SPEAKER_02 (22:05):
So when I learned those laws, Samuel, I got
pretty, I was pissed off.
And I was like, some these thesemen that did this to me need to
be held accountable.
And so I'm 52 years old.
October of 2023, I finallyreported my abuse to the Racing
Police Department.
Come on.
Finally going through the legalprocess, whatever that might
look like.
Absolutely.

(22:26):
And honestly, I have forgiven,you know, both of them.
I have forgiven.
I'll never forget, but I feelthis reporting aspect is so
important.
I used to say, well, my book ismy testimony, you know, the
advocacy work, the podcast, butreporting is so important
because I'm hoping they're notoffending anyone else.
I hope they're not perpetratingagainst another child, another

(22:47):
person.
But now I know if I do thisstep, and if they do, or if they
are, then that step will helpthe next person, even more so.

SPEAKER_00 (22:55):
You are a champion, you are a you're doing the right
thing.
You're doing the right thing.
You're doing the right thing.
You're doing the right thingtoday.

SPEAKER_02 (23:03):
Thank you.
It's hard, but you're right.
So yeah, it's just sharingagain.
You're you're sparking all thesethings for me wanting to share,
you know.

SPEAKER_00 (23:09):
History reprove us right.
Yes.
First generation curse breakers,fiat, the storytellers.
How you want it?
We here, you know what I mean?
Yes.
And this is just, I have a newnarrative, so I'm gonna pivot a
little bit.
Actually, I did confront my umassailant in what was that?
20, it was during the pandemic,so it's 2020.
One of my best friends, longtimefriends, Sasha Brown.

(23:31):
Yeah, I'm saying your name outloud.
She's incognito, she don't liketo be put out there.
But anyway, just giving her herflowers, she told me something
about you have to go in therewith your own peace.
It's not about if somebodyrepents.
And this, I heard this beforeshe mentioned it, but like if
they apologize, you know, ofcourse, we are in here that you
forgive for you and all that.
And I've listened to a few ofyou, I heard people say that,

(23:53):
but like, you forgive for you,but you go in there with your
own peace.
And when you come in with yourown peace, you can leave with
it.
And you're really there to makea declaration, to say a thing.
Part of atonement and thingslike that and healing is
accountability.
And the Bible Jesus said, ifyour brother sins against you,
go let him know.

(24:14):
You know what I mean?
And if you repent, you've wonyour brother.
But he said, leave your gift atthe altar, like they were gonna
make sacrifices, God, or bringthings, expensive things, leave
it there.
God cares so much about therelationship being right.
You know, who knows?
His father was very uh, he was aphilanthroper, he was a whore,
and the guy who um assaulted me.

(24:37):
And I don't know what hisexperiences were.
And I heard, I don't know whatlifestyle choices he made or in
and out.
But anyway, I called him.
I said, hey man, I asked mygrandma too, and my my late
praise God for my late grandma.
She was such a gangster, she'slike, I got you.
Let me get this number over inthis other city.
So yeah, I prayed.

(24:58):
I told Sasha, I told somebodyelse.
And he got this saying aboutlike the periodic table.
Like, you know, the words for AUon the periodic table.
The word is AU.
AU, because you're gold.
So she gave me some good gas.
And you know, we've been meteach other in undergrad.
We, you know, overcame a lot andwe just speak life to each other
a minute.
So I gotta circle back.

(25:19):
But anyway, so I do that, comein with my own piece.
I say what I, you know, I say,he said, hey, who?
All right, cool, yeah, man.
Uh he said, oh no, I don't, hesaid, oh man, I don't remember
that.
I said, shit, I remember it.
I was there.
Right, right.
Like the but I said, bro, youknow, I ain't even about all
that, bro.
Like, hey, in God's name, andJesus, I gotta forgive you and
release you and let you knowwhat's up.

(25:39):
It is what it is.
We good.
You know what I mean?
And it was probably aseven-minute conversation, and
it was what it was.

SPEAKER_02 (25:47):
But did you do most of the conver did you do most of
the talking on that call?

SPEAKER_00 (25:50):
I think so.
But it was a little balanced.
Her kids.
You mentioned kids and wife inthe back.
Okay.
And it was just like, it was mydeclaration.
I came in with my own piece.
This award show for art.
So I curated some public art andI prayed about it.
Laura said, go ahead.
Like signifying like you're so Ibrought some paint, right?

(26:12):
And I was in the suit carryingthis bottle of paint, actually,
some spray paint.
Because my artist used Aerosol,and I came with my own piece and
with my own award.
Now I feel like I should havewon this award.
That's a good deal.

SPEAKER_01 (26:22):
I didn't.
But I I took a picture.
And guess what color was thepicture?
The gut the paint.
It was gold.
It was gold.
Hey you.
I took a picture holding the canup to the thing.

SPEAKER_00 (26:31):
So you gotta go in with your own piece.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (26:34):
Well, yeah, I think that that's important.
I have a similar story.
Not I I didn't phone call afriend, you know, my abuser, but
so he used to do a lot of yardwork.
So that's I'm meticulous aboutmy yard.
And I think that's because hetaught me how to be meticulous
with my yard work.
So I, you know, again, I havegood memories with my
stepfather, and then I have thebad memories.
And I I interchange his name,you know, and then I'll say

(26:56):
stepfather of my abuser, the onewho, you know, perpetrated me or
whatnot.
But I lived on Durand Avenue inracing and he used to cut my
yard.
And I remember the father of mykids who knew about what
happened to me, and he father ofmy kids and I went through a lot
because he couldn't understandhow I could let this man be
around my kids.
And and right rightfully so.
It took us a long time to getthrough some of the trauma that

(27:17):
I think we experienced throughbecause of what happened to me.
But nonetheless, Fred would cutthat's nice name, would cut my
yard for free.
I would just, you know, becauseI wanted to look nice and he did
a great job, right?
And there was one time where Iwas home by myself and he
knocked on the back window and Igot scared.
I reverted back to that littlegirl.
And, you know, in in ourculture, and maybe yours too,

(27:39):
but like you respect them still.
Like you have this, like this,like they're your family, or you
know, he's my dad or he was mydad, whatever he is to me.
And I let him in.
I walked backwards towards myfront door while he sat on my
couch in my living room.
And I remember him, you know,sitting down and looking at me,
and I had the door propped openjust because I was scared and
thinking he might do somethingto me again.

(28:00):
And he said he was sorry.
He said, I'm sorry, Candy.
And I hate that name, Candy.
Right.
I'm not your candy, I'm not youreye candy.
I hated that name.
I write about that in my book.
But I too believe like somethingmaybe happened to him and his
brother, his older brother whomolested me at the age of five.
And I just think, like, whoknows?
You know, they come from thesame cloth, this, you know, I
know that they were altar boysin church.

(28:20):
Who knows?
I, you know, I'm guessing, I'massuming, but you just never
know what could have happened tothem.
And I think about that now, youknow, because I've done my my
work and I'm in the advocacyspace, and they usually say
people that perpetrates becausethey've been hurt themselves,
hurt people, hurt people.
Does it make it right?

SPEAKER_00 (28:37):
Yeah, it's not a full lot of excuse, especially
when you got a certainconsciousness as an adult.

SPEAKER_02 (28:41):
As an adult, right?
And I think whenever it's achild, it's never consent.
Right.
I remember the officer asking meif I said no, and I said, I was
a kid.
It's never consent when you're achild.
Well, you just you know,wondering if I fought or and
those are just questions.
And I again I believe sometimessome law enforcement are very
educated in in this world, inthe space, and some may not have
the right questions to ask orknow how to ask the right

(29:04):
questions, which is okay.
But I think that's where we cando better, right?
Shout out to you.

SPEAKER_00 (29:08):
So yes, yeah.
That's good.
I love your piece andperspective on that.
I think how we're acculturatedas black and brown people here
that we have this faux fox.
What's that faux solidarity?
You know, on one hand, it'shelped us survive generations of
stuff, and then like nottrusting the legal system or the
medical system.

(29:29):
But there's no solidarity andsexual abuse.
There's no I respect you.
So I'm I'm you know, notknocking what you did because
that's how you got your that'sactually how you got your
apology, right?
You let them in.
But I'm just saying, like, as apractice, we don't have to do
that.
No, you don't have they don'thave to come to the cookout,
somebody go take them a plate.
They don't have we don't have todo that.

(29:50):
I break that in Jesus' name.
Like God break that, where it'sa false solidarity and false,
like, oh, we're family, so wegood.
No, it's not right.
And you're You're not safe.
It's not that you're notforgiven.
Sometimes you could breakfellowship, but you don't break
covenant.
What I mean by covenant,covenant, like a family, like
the deal, the family.

(30:11):
It's like you still who you arebiologically.
But that don't mean we're notkicking it.
We're not hanging out.
Big mama, one of the main teams,they can go bring you a plate.
Abalita, T I, somebody bring youa plate and you look a gift or
something like that.
But no, you're not coming overhere with the babies.
And if they all right, well, I'mnot gonna have to bring my
family in because you're makinga choice.

(30:32):
Oh no, you're doing no, no,you're making a choice.
You're enabling a predator.
If there was a tiger somewherein the area that when it was a
middle teenage tiger, ate achild, assaulted a child, that
now has a taste for human blood,and you leaving loose meat
hanging around the outer areaperimeter of the yard, you're
enabling.

(30:52):
You know what I mean?
So, and then have they been tojail?
Have they do they have atherapist?
Do they have a PO?
Do they have some legalaccountability or psychological
accountability?
So God can still love thembecause we all are sinners and
they can be forgiven and maybethey can recover.
But I think there's stories ofpeople in jail or sometimes they
do that when they do the thatthese predators will tell on

(31:14):
themselves, they'll disclosewhat they did.
I know they've done that withserial killers and all that, but
like, nah, there's nosolidarity.
And the Bible says, as much asit lieth within you, live
peaceably with all men.
But it's a caveat there.
As much as it lieth within you,live peaceably with all men.
And we could take it out of therealm of just physical or sexual

(31:36):
abuse.
Say somebody's a narcissist oremotionally abusive.
You don't have to endure that.
It was Paul said, Jesus said, ifsomebody send against you, go
let them know one-on-one.
If he don't hear you, bring awitness.
If they don't hear the witness,bring them to before the church.
And if they don't hear thechurch, actually says
excommunicate them for a whileand then letting the world and

(32:00):
even says Satan, likeconsequences, whoop their butt
for a minute and see if theysolely be saved then.
So if God Himself outlined in anuance of how he wants society
and healthy community, there'sthat's the misnomer.
Forgive, forgive, forgive,forgive, release.
But there's an element offorgive, hold accountable, set

(32:21):
expectation, do it, do it, do itagain.
But if they don't hear you, theycan also leave.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (32:28):
Yeah.
I you know, as you were talkingthrough that, it's kind of like
just when you have toxic, youknow, there's patterns or
behaviors within families wheresometimes you have to maybe have
that boundary in place.
Where I know for me a long timeI never knew what boundaries
were, even with my own kids,right?
I always did for my kids insteadof did with my kids.
And so as they saw some of thetrauma between even me and their

(32:51):
dad, because I disclosed totheir dad, and then my abuser
was still around my girls at avery young age, and so he became
very angry with me.
Like, how can you have this man?
Well, then it must have neverhappened to you, or you're
lying, or you know, so itcreated a really crazy dynamic,
but it was just that we were notequipped again.

SPEAKER_00 (33:06):
Did you ever say something to your abuser?
Did he ever hold him accountablepersonally?

SPEAKER_02 (33:10):
Oh, he wanted to, believe me.
He he but again, Randy was 16, Iwas 17.
Talk about teenage parents, wewere babies having babies.
I mean, so we weren't equippedwith any of that.
And then when I did disclose toRandy, I was eight months
pregnant with my oldestdaughter.
And I remember disclosing tohim, and then and I I had this
reality in my head, or I hadpainted a picture that he would
take me out, like he would saveme.

(33:31):
And he was 16.
How could a 16-year-old save a17-year-old?
We're both living with ourparents, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 (33:36):
In a way, it makes sense, but it didn't make sense,
but it makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 (33:38):
It makes right where I thought it would and it didn't
happen.
And so instead of, you know,when I disclosed to him for the
first time, he victim blamed meall over again.
So I immediately went into theshame.
Not his fault.
You know, I get that now becauseof the age we were and how young
we were.
I was just afraid that if hebroke up with me, because he was
trying to break up with me, hewas like, I'm not ready to be a
father.
He was scared.
I mean, who wouldn't be scared,right?

(34:00):
For sure.
We were both in high school.
He's a junior, I'm a senior.
Like, and you know, so he wasabout, and I was afraid if he'd
break up with me, my abuse wouldstart all over again because it
had stopped while I dated Randy,their dad, my kid's father.
And so thank God it never abusenever occurred again.
But Randy victim blamed me,didn't realize what he was
doing.

(34:20):
We have since then, you know,we're now grandparents, we have
our family, we're not together.
We were, you know, off and onfor 22 years.
You know, we've been through ourown life experiences, but we've
come together now as two parentsthat had children that have now
have grandchildren.
And, you know, I was there forhis for him and his mom.
You know, she passed on, butthere for him for what he

(34:41):
needed.
And he was there for me.
He was my voice before I wantedto be my voice.
And so I I really am so gratefulfor that experience with Randy.
However, it went down then, butnow as my adult life, how he's
in my life and what he does forme today.
That's all so, yeah.
So I healing is just possible infamilies.

(35:01):
But we're talking aboutboundaries, you know.
I never learned them.
I never learned them until I wasolder.

SPEAKER_01 (35:07):
I didn't learn it for a while.
I've still learned it a littlebit.

SPEAKER_02 (35:09):
Yeah, toxic relationships.
So just like as you were talkingabout that, that just that spoke
to me about creating boundariesand making sure they're healthy
for you, right?
And it's okay to not havecertain people around you if
they're not respecting whatyou're feeling or your
boundaries of safety.

SPEAKER_00 (35:25):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (35:26):
You know?

SPEAKER_00 (35:26):
Yeah.
If I could say this, I uh what Ifound in myself is that I still
battle sometime with fear, but Ione, I feel a little emptier in
a healthy way and more at peace.
I think people need to makerealize that healing has this
quasi part of it where you maybe mostly healed, feel a little
bit more empty, but you have tomake peace and divorce the fact

(35:48):
that you weren't really who youthought you were.
Because there's a part of usthat has these triggers or these
trauma responses or even theseproclivities that can't, and all
of it ain't gotta be nasty orwhatever.
You might overeat, comfortful,you might do escapism, watch a
bunch of TV, or you might havelearned helplessness where you

(36:09):
like kind of shut down.
You know what I mean?
And I've had some of that, notcompletely shut down, but just
like I had to learn agency thatuh, you know, what was I gonna
say?
Oh, this is what I found.
I would find or new authorityfigures to be a f to appease,
you know what I mean?
Or if it naturally, like, okay,this boss or this teacher or
this pastor or whatever it'slike, not everybody, because I I

(36:31):
can be the man, right?
You know, I would be a voice,popular, poet, this and that,
but the boy in me is now healedand I feel mature.
But it was like I would try toappease an authority figure to
prove to myself and somebodyelse my worth or my power or
this and that.
Well, I could just not, I'mgood, straight, and then that

(36:52):
can healthily castrate or pullout or extra pull out the
people-pleasing part to thenwhere in these new soft, tender
parts of me being a human islike I'm good, I'm really good
being alone, I'mself-sufficient, I'm not, and
I'm good.
And I could say no from ahealthy place, you know.
I think of how Dave should feellike, no, I'm straight.

(37:12):
You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03 (37:13):
I'm good.
I'm good.

SPEAKER_00 (37:14):
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm good.
And I used to admire people whocould just not care, right?
And just be indifferent.
But they're thank you, HolySpirit.
Some people take it as sooffensive if you don't do what
they think you should do for thecause.
The cause.
I've been in all the political,political, I've been heavy

(37:34):
political, the cause.
You're not giving everything.
I already gave everything withnothing.
Hear me.
I've gave everything withnothing.
I've been I managed twocampaigns, I organized around
urban farming, wage equality.
I had years living around apoverty level.
And my popularity grew, myrespect, my voice grew, but I
gave everything with nothing.

(37:55):
One, because I was like, if I'mgoing to be alive after being
molested, being burned, in thethird grade, I was shot at on
the basketball court just forbeing there.
Ironically, my pops, the one whosaw the assailant half a block
away, had an Uzi, and said, Heyman, y'all get down.
We ducked.

SPEAKER_03 (38:10):
Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 (38:10):
I'm seeing it over my head in slow motion.
So all this between one andeight, at four, I'm molested,
you know, or three, I'm told howto talk, four, you know what I
mean?
Then eight around that burnt,then duck these bullets.
And then there was a gap ofnothing for a while, right?
But that's a hell of a lot tojust heal from that.
Just get that off you, right?

SPEAKER_03 (38:31):
Oh thank goodness.

SPEAKER_00 (38:32):
And I started writing poetry, eighth grade,
ninth grade.
I moved back from my grand.
And then I had other people inmy family that I used to carry
this guilt that I couldn'tprotect, you know, females in my
family who were molested.
And again, inject the white boy,inject the Indian child into
this Milwaukee culture, mostsegregated, inject them into
this family and tell them to beokay and tell them not to say

(38:54):
nothing, and tell them to gothrive and graduate college on
time and work a job and have itinject them here.
Like for anybody who listeningwho know me, inject somebody
else.
Like, we'll prescribe something,or you could describe something,
but you don't prescribe it toyou don't prescribe it to your
babies.
I wouldn't even wish it on yourkids.
You can't live this.
I could have hurt myself morethan once, and I never did.

(39:17):
I don't think I've ever been anabuser.
Like, you know what I mean?
And I was even a late bloomersexually and all that.
So it's like I had I went frombeing a prisoner in this body,
bound by demons, bound bytrauma, to being an advocate, to
being an organizer, to being aface, because I felt like
ventilation, like I heardsomebody say, pointing to their

(39:39):
brain, like there's less spacein here than it is out here in
the world.
So I'ma die empty, according toGod's will, of giftings,
hopefully, if he wants me to useall my gifts.
And I'm not carrying.
I seen this maybe let me help becoherent and clear as I talk.
I seen another post where theysaid, along the lines through

(40:00):
life, God choose this was thisisn't scripture, but it's a good
metaphor.
God chooses one or two childrenin a generation to feel all the
feelings that other peoplehaven't felt in generations
prior to them.
And I don't ascribe to thatcompletely.
I know about epigenetics, but ifmy daddy ain't gonna feel it and
go to therapy, or my mama mightnot, she'll go to church, but

(40:22):
not therapy.
And then I go through my ownthing.
First generation curse breaker.
I'm not gonna live it in me.
I'm not gonna carry it.
I don't care if white folks,brown folks, black people don't
like me.
God sent me here to get hisglory and to start and to get
this up off of me.
And I know who my enemy is, andit's not people, it's really the
devil, and it's really evil.

(40:43):
People believe in God.
Most of the world believes inGod.
There's scientific proof thatparanormal activity exists.
Look at the evil that happens inthe world.
We have to believe thatsomething else is at work.
So, my assignment as a prophet,priest, and king, as the Bible
calls us in Peter, is to attackthe issue.
I'm not attacking my father.

(41:05):
I love him, I'm honored, cool.
He gave me some of my good looksand my wit.
And my mom gave me these eyes,you know, and empathetic to
women because I seen what shewent through.
But it's like, I still have noallegiance but to God and my
purpose.
I will not be an emotionalhostage, carry false
responsibility, or be a prisonerto nothing.

(41:26):
Paul said, Apostle Paul said,don't be a slave to anybody's
vain philosophy.
I can't die like this.
I'm not done, but I'm close.
Meaning that I feel like I'mwhole, I'm healed.
But then my assignment is thaty'all don't know me.
And I'm just getting to know me,you know, better.
Like I know me, but like it'snew narrative.

(41:47):
So that was a story.
So here's a healthydisassociation.
The Bible says that we died withChrist and we rose with him
because we were born in sin.
So I started watching BreakingBad recently or finishing it.
And this guy got cancer.
Then he got into this criminalactivity.
He wanted to get some money forhis family.
But you find, and God showed methat being sick is no excuse to

(42:09):
be sinful.
Yes.
And he got really sinful.
He started selling drugs, doingdifferent things.
And sometimes the motivationseemed good, but there was other
things he did in there that waslike, man, you jealous of your
old friend.
And it was just like, man, comeon.
And it spoke to me.
So I take full accountability.
So anybody listen, like, if it'ssomething I've done, I had some

(42:29):
learned helplessness.
I had working times in my 20s,inconsistency.
I went to college, I lived inSouth Africa for a month, then I
got in politics, and I didn'tknow, I didn't know if one day
it'd be all worth it.
So while I was alive, I wasgonna fight.

SPEAKER_02 (42:44):
And you've been fighting.
I've been seeing you fight.
I've been seeing you fight.
And and you know, Samuel, like Isaid, when when we were driving
here, and I was telling you, youare an inspiration.
And and you inspire me.
You do.
And I I said you remind me alot, my cousin Stephanie, who,
you know, is into the word, andI just want to be better, right?
And so you inspire me to want tobe better.

(43:06):
So just with everything thatyou've done, you know, I'm just
so incredibly honored andhumbled that you're here, that
you were on my podcast.
And, you know, we talked a lotabout like you shared your
story, you talked about, youknow, your journey, just even
the mental health aspect, howthat's so important.
You know, we got to take care ofourselves before we can even
help anyone else or do anythingfor anyone else.
And, you know, with my book,like literally my life is an

(43:29):
open book.
I'm in the process of writing mysecond book.

SPEAKER_03 (43:32):
Wow, that's awesome!

SPEAKER_02 (43:33):
And my second book will be Life After Unspoken.
Come on.
Yes, and it's gonna be lessonsin legal because I'm going
through this legal phase rightnow in loss, because I'm
pursuing the possibility or notthe possibility, it will happen.
I want to change my last namebecause my last name is
technically my abuser's lastname.
Oh, yes.
And I would love to change mylast name to Lopez, which is my

(43:54):
biological father's name, whichshould have been on my birth
certificate that my mom wastrying to put on there.
But because my mom wasn'tmarried to my dad in 1971, she
couldn't put my biologicalfather down.
So there's this whole thing ofgoing through the legal process
and then even like loss ofidentity, loss of like who you
become, who you are, theidentity with this name.
But again, it doesn't define me.

(44:14):
I I know that I'm healed, I'mstill healing, I'm going through
this process and and I'm notalone.
And and that to me, I know wetalked a lot when you can talk
to another survivor or thriver,right?
And they've gone through somethings, and I feel I just feel
like that connection, thatdivine design, you know, paths
we're meant to cross.
And I'm just so honored that youwere here today to be on my

(44:36):
podcast and the work that youdo, even in the political realm.
I've seen you.
You were I I don't know if itwas a recent clip, but up at the
Madison or you were at the statecapitol.
Was that recent or was that someof the the policy work that you
might have been doing?
I didn't know which policy itwas.

SPEAKER_01 (44:51):
You sure it was the state capital?

SPEAKER_02 (44:52):
It was you were in a public like it looked like
assembly, or you were oh 2022,we I helped stop four libraries
from getting closed.

SPEAKER_00 (45:01):
The Journal Central quoted me, and we we've been
doing that for years.
And then 2019 we diverted 16million dollars from the
police's budget.
So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (45:10):
Yeah, and so recently I, you know, I'm like I
said, I'm learning about beingin the advocacy space.
So there is a grant right now,the voca funding part.
And so recently we've well, afriend of mine, Scott, has gone
to legislature to make sure thatthere's like a hundred plus
organizations that get fundingfor sexual assault.
And they want to cut that tolike under half.
And they want to there's a billon the table right now to kind

(45:32):
of help or not cut the fundingor with that VOCA funding grant.
And so right now it's a crucialtime.
And I watched last week,Thursday, there was five hours
of testimony from lawenforcement, people that do the
work, you know, all thedifferent advocacy groups that
were talking about theimportance of this funding.
Because if this funding goesaway, we're gonna lure lose
services for sexual assault.

(45:53):
There are gonna be somenonprofits that have to close
their doors because they're notgonna get that money.
Wow, and that's that's real.
And so when I heard that, I'mlike against unconscionable
right.
And it's just like, what's gonnahappen to these survivors that
need this help?
You know, I I hate the wholedespair, you know.
Like I said, I thought aboutsuicide at 15, and sometimes we

(46:14):
do lose people that have thistrauma that they haven't
unpacked because they justbetter be off being gone, you
know, and not dealing with it.
And that's what breaks my heart,and that's why I do this work.
So yeah.
So I just so my last chapter inmy book was called Full Circle
Blessing.
So as we begin to wrap up, Ijust want to know what are you
most grateful for?

SPEAKER_00 (46:35):
Newness, new identity, newness.
Speaking of uh, I'll make thisquick.

SPEAKER_02 (46:41):
No, you don't have to make it quick.
We're good, we got time.

SPEAKER_00 (46:43):
Newness.
So I'm grateful for newness.
As we were writing over here,and I was thinking about new
narrative, and just I'm a man ofGod, my faith is in Jesus
Christ, and part of the tenetsof our belief is that like
baptism is a symbol of death,right?
But in a good way.
Because although I was sufferingand sick, I still was born a
sinner and I get to be new.

(47:04):
And that's the beauty of it.
Like, y'all don't know me.
And I'm I don't know me fully,but I know me.
So I'll be, and imagine me if Iwasn't born in Milwaukee, if I
didn't come through thisdifferent trauma and different
things, if I didn't have to bean activist.
Like we didn't need activists oradvocates.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Who would I be outside of that?

(47:25):
And I'm a I'm I'm an artisan,right?
You know what I mean?
I feel like I'm an artisan, I'ma professor type, and I'm just
like a renaissance man who lovelife, and that's where I pull
off.
Maybe some people badge.
I pull off the layers and I'd belike, hey, I'm an artisan, I'm a
teacher, I'm a renaissance man,I'm a lover.
I say this quickly.

(47:46):
So I was a late bloomer in termsof being sexually active, but
then I lived most of my adultlife in and out of being
abstinent, and I'd rather be inrelationships.
So another thing that I thinkmaybe was partially a trauma
response and just beingresponsible was like not
starting a family prematurely.
So, you know, I'm in my 30s andI don't have never been married,

(48:06):
I don't have any kids, and I'mjust being intentional and I'm
trying to curate a peaceful,beautiful life where none of
these other things define it.
So, like, yeah, I don't have todo another podcast to talk about
cool, but I do feel a burden.
This project's coming up for me.
I feel I want to do adocumentary on myself and I want

(48:27):
to write a book, and I'm tryingto help handle, like I've
struggled.
I've only got started takingmedicine for ADHD last year.
So I need to hire somebody tohelp me and to execute this
because I have a beautiful heckof a story.
But I'm new and I owe myselflike the children of Israel or
something, I don't know,whatever the books or life was
like this is the new chapter.

(48:49):
Let's be let's see what's on theother side of this.
You know what I mean?
There is another side, the rain,the promised land, or whatever
it is, like there's another sideof happily ever after that
doesn't mean perfect.
But for the survivors out there,what do you look like on the
other side of being healthily,of being, of knowing God, of

(49:10):
being healthily medicated, ofbeing, of having the therapist
and supports.
What do you look like on theother side of that mountain?
And that's something mytherapist said to me, like, and
that's what I'm on.
I'm on the other side.
I'm just starting to walk downit as I see the greenery down
there.
So Joseph the dreamer in theBible, brothers, he was a
favorite of his father.
They threw him into the pit.

(49:31):
I'll make this quick, sold himinto slavery, all this.
He gets up to, he had a dream,he helped the pharaoh, he
consulted with the pharaoh sevenyears, and he gave great advice.
But he named his first sonsomething, Manasseh.
And Manasseh means God has mademe forget the shame or the pain
of my father's house.

(49:52):
His second son was namedEphraim, who God has made me to
prosper prosper in the land ofmy affliction.
We we get the birth of Manassehor be prosperous, even though
this world isn't perfect.
I want some of the good stuff.

SPEAKER_02 (50:05):
And you will get all the good stuff.
I I you are claiming it all onmy podcast, Unspoken
Conversations with Candace.
And, you know, if you need helpor tips or definitely with the
author book side, I'd love a lotof help, right?
And you mentioned documentary.
I'm also working on adocumentary for my book.
So, you know, maybe there's somepartnerships that can happen

(50:26):
with that.
But yeah, so I I just for me,what I'm most thankful for is
just this opportunity to be ableto do this work, right?
And to meet such greatinspirational people that keep
me inspired.
So I just want to say thank you.
And I see whenever I hear youtalk, it's like you're teaching
me, you're educating me, you'regiving me knowledge.
And I just thank you for that.
Yeah, and I'm thankful andgrateful for my family, for my

(50:49):
friends, for my network, forbuilding us a community of
support of survivors that canactually know that they're not
alone and together.
We're louder than silence.
And I'm just so honored.
So thank you again for being onUnspoken Conversation with
Candace.
Well, thanks everyone for tuningin to another episode of
Unspoken Conversations withCandace.
Make sure you visit my websiteat do.candassanchez.com.

(51:09):
Engage with me on my socials.
Make sure you pick up a copy ofmy book.
It's available on Amazon.
I appreciate your support.
Have a great day, everyone.

SPEAKER_03 (51:17):
Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 (51:17):
Thanks, everyone.
Bye.
Thank you so much for listeningto this conversation about
healing, encouragement, andsupport.
Trust that there is power inspeaking your truth and sharing
your experience with othersbecause you can have an impact
or even save someone's life.
Follow me on Facebook andInstagram to stay engaged in our

(51:40):
unspoken conversations withCandace.
And if you have been impacted bytrauma and need tools to heal,
consider purchasing a copy of mybook titled Unspoken available
on Amazon.
Thanks again, and remember,you're not alone.