Quiet Cravings, Loud Truths

One choice can change everything. That’s the heart of this raw, unguarded conversation about alcoholism, binge drinking, bulimia, and the quiet rituals people use to cope with pain. I, along with Briana Deck, sit down with author and coach Colleen Clifford (Life Beyond the Binge) to unpack the 95/5 factor—the idea that most drinking nights seem “fine,” but the rare wild-card moment can upend a life.

Together, we draw a clear line between willpower and sustainable recovery. Colleen shares how reframing from alcohol helped her move from “I can’t” to “I don’t want it,” a mindset shift that reduced cravings and restored choice. We talk through practical tools for high-risk moments: eat before evening triggers hit, identify the people and places that spike urges, leave early when the vibe turns, and keep honest support on speed dial.

The conversation widens to eating disorders and the shared roots beneath addictive patterns: dysregulated emotions, the need for control, and unresolved grief. You’ll hear a candid sobriety story marked by detoxes, anxiety, and blackouts, and the relief that comes with telling the truth, setting boundaries, and building a life you don’t want to escape. Colleen reveals why she’s shifting from coaching to speaking, with a mission to reach teens and young adults about blackouts, consent, and the hidden risks of binge culture.

If you’ve ever wondered whether your relationship with alcohol is serving you, this episode offers clarity, compassion, and next steps. Listen, share it with someone who needs hope, and if the conversation resonates, follow the show, leave a five-star review, and tell us what mindset shift changed your life.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Today on Virago 24-7, we're having an honest
conversation about alcoholism,sobriety, and what it really
takes to break free from cyclesthat no longer serve us.
My guest is Colleen Clifford,author of Life Beyond the Bench,
and a coach with Pure Potentialat purepotential.com.
While Colleen's work is oftenassociated with food and bench

(00:23):
behaviors, her message reachesfar, far beyond that.
At its core, her work is aboutaddiction, emotional regulation,
and the deep-rooted patternsthat keep us turning to
substances like alcohol, youknow, to cope, numb or survive.
In this episode, we talk abouthow alcoholism often shows up

(00:44):
quietly, especially forhigh-functioning women, why
willpower alone doesn't work,and how healing begins when we
address the emotional driversunderneath the behavior, not
just the drinking itself.
If you or someone you love hasever questioned their
relationship with alcohol, thisconversation offers clarity,

(01:05):
compassion, and hope.
Let's get into it.
Hi, I am your host, LeonetteTalley, and you are listening to
Virago 24-7.
Virago is Latin for femalewarrior, and 24-7 is for all
day, every day.
Virago 24-7 is a weekly podcastthat brings diverse women

(01:27):
together to talk about life andour experiences in this world,
which are our views onself-love, mental health,
marriage, children, friendships,and really anything that needs
to be talked about.
Here you will find everydaygrowth, everyday healing, with
everyday warriors.

SPEAKER_00 (02:04):
Right?
Like you finally get past it.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
And just offer hope to otherpeople that's possible.
And you know, even if you thinkyou're at like it there's no
hope, there is hope.

SPEAKER_04 (02:18):
Yes, yes.
I've actually had two peopleapproach me in the last month
who um are concerned that theymay have a drinking problem.
And I was telling Lyonette theother day, it's crazy that
people are coming to me aboutthat because I never in a
million years thought I would beable to be sober for an extended
amount of time.
Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (02:35):
No, I did not think that.
Let's talk about it.
I just pressed record.
While you guys were talking, I'mlike, let me press record.
This sounds good.
So for those who are joining us,this is Colleen Clifford.
And um she I know you told me umin the email that you are
getting away from coachingbecause you have a uh is it a

(02:57):
company called uh PeerPotential, where you coach uh
through not just alcohol, butbinging, binge eating, anything
like that.
Is that is that what it is?
Um and I know you said you'retrying to get away from that and
you want to be a speaker.
Uh you have a book that is is itout already or is it coming out?

SPEAKER_00 (03:17):
It's coming out.
It will be published in May2026.

SPEAKER_01 (03:20):
And it's called Life Beyond the Bench.
So welcome, Colleen Clifford andBrianna.
Brianna Deck has been on theshow many, many times.
And so Brianna Deck is alsojoining us.
So I didn't want to interruptyou guys, but thanks for having
us.

SPEAKER_00 (03:36):
Yeah, this is great.
I think you two ladies are myyoungest podcasters I've been on
with.
So I love that.

SPEAKER_01 (03:45):
Listen, I'm not that young though.
23 and 24.
I'm just getting I just turned46 in November.
You look 23.
She's a she's a baby.
She's 31.
31, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (03:57):
Oh my gosh.
Well, awesome.
Way to go.
Way to go.
So let's get into it.

SPEAKER_01 (04:03):
So, where do you want to start, Brianna?
Because she is a fisher woman.
She lives, you're from Seattle,correct?
She's from Seattle.
Nice.
She has a book coming out.
Um, I know you want to talk moreabout alcohol and alcoholism and
all that stuff.
So how long have you been sober?

SPEAKER_00 (04:25):
Um, well, I quit once.
So I'm old.
I'm like 62.
You girls are young, and I lovethat.
But I I uh quit once, uh,probably around 48 for two and a
half years.
And then, and there's a longstory about why I started
drinking past that, but then umI quit again permanently, I feel

(04:48):
like, almost four and a halfyears ago, actually, in
December.
Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
That's exciting.
Yeah.
So what thought it is exciting?

SPEAKER_01 (04:57):
What um led you to get to that point?
Um this time?

SPEAKER_00 (05:02):
Yes.
Yeah.
Um, well, the first time I quitbecause I saw myself on a video,
and I thought I was okay takingthe video, and I looked back the
next day and I thought, oh mygod, I was so trash, which which
was an eye-opener for me.
And also at the time I wasgetting older, and I thought
this isn't who I want to showup, this isn't how I want to

(05:24):
show up in the world.
Like my nephews were there, andI was drunk at Colleen, and I
thought this has to stop.
But then, you know, time awayfrom drinking, and my type of
drinking is binge drinking.
So I didn't drink every day, Ididn't consider myself an
alcoholic, and I didn't eventhink about alcohol every day.
So um, after a couple of yearsof not drinking, I started

(05:46):
talking myself out of having aproblem because I hadn't done
anything like that in a longtime.
So I'm like, ah, I'm okay, I candrink.
So it crept back in, right?
And so then, fast forward to umwhen I quit this time, I had and
and this is the thing with bingedrinking that I write about in
my book is that it only takesone moment to change your life

(06:06):
forever, right?
In drinking, and especially inbinge drinking.
And I'd gone to a party, my bestfriend's party, the same girl,
actually.
I quit the first time we weredrinking buddies.
But um, I went to her party andit was just gonna be an
afternoon barbecue, and I endedup getting trashed, and I drove
home drunk.
And on the drive home, Iremember and I thought I was

(06:30):
okay to drive, right?
My friends were all saying staythe night, and I was like, No, I
have to get home.
I promised my partner I'd behome, and I always keep my
promise.
So, but three-quarters of theway in the drive, you know,
seeing double line, I shut oneeye, and I knew then that I was
really drunk because you onlysee devil when you're drunk.
And I just made a prayer, get mehome safe, and I swear to God, I

(06:54):
will quit drinking.
And so the next day I woke upand I was like, I like to keep
my promises.
So even though I was afraid, Iwas like, How am I gonna do
this?
It was like I gotta stop.
Can I ask a question?

SPEAKER_04 (07:08):
Um, when you say binge drinker, what does that
look like?
Because I like to think I'm abinge drinker, but I didn't I
haven't done enough research toclassify classify myself as
that.

SPEAKER_00 (07:19):
Yeah, I appreciate that question because and this
is what my entire book is about,really.
And also my late husband died byalcohol-related suicide.
And so binge yes, thank you.
It's um yeah, it's reallytragic.
And this is part of my purposeof why I want to get this

(07:40):
message out there is bingedrinking is four or more drinks
for a female in one incident, orfive or more for a male.
And it can um so it's just likewe call it partying, right?
That's what I always called it.
And so throughout my entire lifeof my drinking, like I said, I'm
62 and I started drinking incollege in my 20s.

(08:03):
Um, you know, I didn't think Ihad a problem because I didn't
drink every day.
And even when I did binge drink,things didn't always go wrong,
right?
You can binge drink at a partyand you're with your friends,
and you might have cried likethe next day you wake up and go,
Oh, I was I'm so embarrassed.
I started crying, I don't knowwhy.

(08:24):
And your friends are like, Oh,it's okay, you never drink that
like that, or you don't drinklike that often.
So it's really easy to say,okay, I'm gonna be careful next
time, right?
I don't know how many times Isaid, Okay, next time I drink,
I'm gonna be careful.
So the binge drinking is athing, and it's really insidious

(08:45):
because um, you know, forsomeone like me who didn't drink
every day, it's easy to justmask the the thing until you get
in a car and drive home andmaybe kill someone, or you wake
up with a stranger in bed, oryou you know, do something
horrible.
My late husband killed himself.

(09:06):
I mean, those are the momentsI'm talking about where you
can't get that back.

SPEAKER_01 (09:12):
How long ago did that happen um with your
husband?

SPEAKER_00 (09:16):
That was 14 years ago.
Okay, wow.
Yes.
So, you know, drinking anddepression is a bad combo,
right?
Oh, it's terrible.
Yeah, and and the another, andso there is a hotline.
I always like to to emphasizethis 988, because some people
don't know this.

(09:37):
There's a crisis hotline.
You can call any time of the24-7, 365 days a year.
And it's not only if you'resuicidal, it can be a crisis of
anything going on in life.
And there's someone who will atrain counselor to answer the
phone and and give you somehelp.
It can be a lifesaver.

(09:58):
So I like to throw that outthere in case somebody listening
needs that.
Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 (10:02):
Um, so okay, so I see the difference because like
with you Mine was you're both.

SPEAKER_04 (10:08):
My yeah, I'm just like a raging alcoholic, I
think.
Um you would wake up.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to laughat that.

SPEAKER_01 (10:15):
That was not really humor is my coping mechanic.
She jokes about it all the time.
We laugh about it, even thoughit's not a funny joke.
You guys do.
I've she is, and I've had toscrape this raging alcoholic off
the floor many times.
So yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (10:30):
Mine was like, I would I would there were certain
times I would try to be sober,and I think the most I was ever
like truly, honestly sober, thelongest was probably like three
weeks without any alcohol.
And then I would try I would tryand get sober, fail miserably,

(10:51):
and then at night time, likeafter work or something, I would
just sneak a couple of likebottles of wine, the little
bottles of wine or the littleairplane bottles of fireball,
whatever I could get my handson, something I could fit into
my purse.
Um, and I would drink that justto fall asleep.
And I would, I would be able tomaintain that for a couple of
weeks.
And then there would be asituation, whether it'd be a

(11:12):
social gathering or a depressivestate, a fight with my husband,
whatever the case may be,ex-husband, thank the Lord.
Um, whatever the case may be.
And then I would get drunk.
And I, once I like s reallystart drinking, I can't stop
until I am blacked out, sick.
I would wake up the next morningfeeling absolutely terrible.

(11:33):
Um, the worst symptom for me, Ithink, was like the anxiety.
I had sweating, feeling like Iwas gonna pass out.
Um, and so in order to makemyself feel better, I would
continue drinking.
If it was five in the morning,it was five in the morning, it
was three in the afternoon, itwas three in the afternoon.
It didn't matter when.
Um, and so in those situations,I would drink, drink, drink, and

(11:53):
then I'd go like a week where Iwould be passed out drunk for an
entire week, not eating, notdrinking anything but alcohol.
Um, and it and I would wake upobviously physically feeling
absolutely terrible alcoholwithdrawals.
Um, and that was a repetitivecycle for many years.

(12:14):
That that was the worst.
The nights that I would, youknow, have a couple shots to
fall asleep.
I would wake up feeling prettyshitty the next morning, but but
I would go on vendors where Iwould drink for five, seven days
in a row and do nothing butdrink and sleep, and that's it.
And I and I'm I can't function.

(12:35):
I I cannot function with alcoholin my body at all.

SPEAKER_00 (12:41):
Yeah, that's different than my kind of
drinking because I would wake uphungover and I wouldn't drink.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (12:48):
Not that every time I woke up feeling that terrible,
that was my solution wasdrinking.
And then just passing.

SPEAKER_00 (12:57):
Yeah, the hair of the dog, right?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I can I can say I'vedone that in Mexico or on
vacations, you know, when I wokeup hungover and started drinking
again, but it wasn't like athome I wouldn't do that.
Yeah.
So yeah, no, yeah, that's adifferent well.
Kudos to you for stopping.
Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 (13:15):
It's like, yeah.
Wow.
It's the hardest thing in theworld getting sober from
alcohol.
I'm not sure about othersubstances, but um it it's
definitely it's definitely thehardest battle I've ever faced.
But I'm it I'm more proud ofmyself than I've ever been in my
whole life.
I um I've been sober a year andsix months, and I never thought

(13:38):
I would see six months.

SPEAKER_00 (13:40):
So wow, that is so great.
Congratulations.

SPEAKER_01 (13:44):
Thank you so much.
So, question, Colleen.
Um, so like you you know, you'retalking about your binge
drinking and that you've done itsince your 20s, you're in your
60s now.
What um what motivated you?
I know you said your husbandplayed a part in it, for you to
finally stop and then get intolike helping people and coaching
them, and how did that all comeabout?

SPEAKER_00 (14:06):
Yeah, thanks for asking.
So I had a health coachcertification already.
I got that like in 2009, butnobody back then was doing
health coaching, and nobody evenknew what it was.
And the internet was juststarting, and um, so it wasn't,
I was afraid to jump into thatcareer because I needed money
and I commercially fished.
So I was like, okay, this wasfun, but I'm not gonna make any

(14:29):
money coaching.
So I started.
Um, the way I quit drinking wasthrough This Naked Mind with
Annie Grace.
I don't know if you've heard ofher.
I've heard of the book, I'venever read it.
Yes.
Yeah, so I uh Googled help,right?
As we can do now.
I woke up the next morning afterdriving home drunk and I was

(14:50):
like, alcohol help, and her bookpopped up, and then I also saw
her alcohol free experiment for30 days, which was free, and so
I I ordered her book and Ijoined the alcohol free
experiment.
Well, I couldn't do it, Icouldn't, you know, succeed.
I tried, and so I tried itagain.

(15:12):
So after the third time oftrying and not succeeding, I
thought, okay, I'm just gonnapay for her program, which is
what she offered.
And um, and it's so funnybecause it wasn't even very
expensive.
I just didn't want to pay anymoney.
It's it's so interesting now.
It's the best money I've everspent, right?
Um so I joined her program, andonce I did, it was like um you

(15:35):
get on coaching calls, it's likethis kind of thing.
We're having these realconversations, and um about six
months into it, I I clicked, uhlike I knew I was done drinking,
and I already knew I could quitbecause I had before.
And I asked her if I could gointo her coaching program
because I already had a coachingcertification, a health coaching

(15:58):
one, and I wanted analcohol-free coaching, and so I
just joined her alcohol-freecoaching certification program,
and I I went through that.

unknown (16:06):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (16:07):
May I ask a question?
Today, do you because I I askbecause I've tried like
Alcoholics Anonymous and thingslike that.
Do you uh do anything like thattoday to stay sober or what
helps keep you sober today?

SPEAKER_00 (16:23):
Yeah, for me, fortunately, the mindset shifts
I learned in her program.
I don't um I don't want todrink.
It's not like I I can't.
It's not it's just I choose notto.
And so it's so liberatingbecause you know, everyone has I

(16:43):
I believe we're all differentand programs, different programs
work for different people.
Like I know some people thatthat alcohol anonymous is like
their thing and they love it,and it works for them, and
that's great.
I love that.
Um, so I kind of feel like whatI try to encourage people who
ask me, and how did I quit?
There's a lot of op, there's alot of options out there.

(17:04):
There's women for sobriety,there's coaching, and for me,
the Annie Grace approach justreally vibed with me, and it was
changing how I felt alcoholserved me.
I realized I was telling myselfthe wrong stories, that I needed
it to have fun, that I needed itto feel like I was um, you know,

(17:27):
people at the party might thinkI was funny, you know, just all
the reasons I drank.
And there, you know, and so sheworks, the coaches there.
We work on changing our mindsetaround alcohol.
And so what it just kind of didfor me is like I have alcohol in
the house, I don't even look atit.

(17:48):
My partner drinks not a lot.
Now, if he drank all the time,it wouldn't work.
And we talk about that.
I'm like, you know, I don'tguilt him.
He wants to have a drink, go forit, you know.
Um, but I but I always say ifyou're falling down drunk, it's
not gonna work.
So I guess I do put a littleguilt on him.

SPEAKER_04 (18:09):
I um I struggled with the AA in the beginning
because whenever you're firsttrying to get sober, I feel like
it was kind of shoved down mythroat.
Like you have to do AA, AA isthe only thing that's gonna keep
you.
And I just I I tried so manytimes and I just couldn't, I
didn't vibe with it.
It I would leave there and wantto drink, okay?
Like it was just I did not likeit at all.

(18:31):
And so I haven't gone to an AAmeeting since I first got sober
a year and a half ago.
Excuse me.
And I agree, I feel likesomething shifted in my mind.
I feel like I I grew tired ofthe repetitive, exhausting cycle
that is alcoholism.
And I I know that the alcoholismis something I'll have for the

(18:53):
rest of my life.
But today, yesterday, and the365 days before that, I just
don't want to.
I don't want to.
I don't, I know it doesn't serveme well.
I know that it's not best for meor for my kids.
Um, and so it's it's it's a hugeblessing that that it it just I
just don't want to anymore.
I honestly, whenever I thinkback, I'm like, I don't even

(19:14):
remember what it feels like toto be drunk or to be tipsy.
Isn't that great?

SPEAKER_00 (19:19):
It is, it's amazing.
I do tell people though that toto be cautioned, to have caution
because cravings, you know, I'velike I've gone almost on five
years and the cravings, the likethe patterns we have created
with how we drank, sometimesthey'll appear in a situation.
Like I used to drink a lot withmy cousin in Arizona after

(19:40):
horseback riding.
We'd you know, take and so whenI go to visit her, I went to
visit her, and all of a sudden Ihad this huge craving.
Now it's so weird because Idon't want to drink.
I it's not even my identityanymore.
Yet I had this craving to have abeer.
But so I go, okay, so what?
You know, it's not gonna lastforever.

(20:00):
I know I don't want to have abeer.
And you know, it's interestinghow it happened where I used to
always drink.
And so it's just kind of like areminder to people that you know
you can still have a lot ofyears of not drinking and a
craving might happen, but wedon't have to freak out about
it.
It doesn't mean you have to doit.

(20:21):
And even if you do take a sip ofa beer, it doesn't mean it's
over, right?
Like you have you don't have tostart at day one again.
It's just like tell yourself,okay, remind yourself why you're
not drinking.
That's what I do.
When because I've had a couplecravings, like you know, like
that, kind of strong ones.

(20:41):
And it's just like, whoa,where's this coming from?
I haven't had a craving in sinceI quit.
Yeah, you know?
So it's kind of weird.
So I just throw that caution outthere too, in case you do get a
craving, like have your tools ofhow you're gonna get past it.

SPEAKER_04 (20:55):
Do you remember after getting sober?
Because obviously when wheneveryou're and I I consider myself
even a year and a half in prettynew to sobriety, very new to
sobriety, actually.
Um, but do you remember whenthose cravings first started to
hit?
Because in the beginning you'relike so gung-ho and like so
excited to be sober.
So I feel like that kind ofalleviates the cravings.
But do you remember how far intogetting sober those those

(21:19):
cravings occurred?

SPEAKER_00 (21:21):
Yeah, for me, um the the ones I was just talking
about was just last year.
Yeah.
Um, but for me, when I quitdrinking, I had cravings the
first week because I had a habitof drinking every day, like
well, not every day, but when Idid drink, it would be in the

(21:42):
afternoon.

SPEAKER_03 (21:43):
Right.

SPEAKER_00 (21:44):
You know, like around three or four.
And so I had to figure out why Iwas getting those cravings.
And I I discovered it was mostof the time because I hadn't
eaten much all day.
I just needed to eat, and thenmy blood sugar went back up and
I didn't have a craving anymore.
So it's kind of like sometimeswe have to figure out why, you
know, like maybe there's apattern to our cravings and

(22:05):
notice where you're at, what'shappening, like are you coming
home from work, exhausted,tired, had a you know, rough day
at work, and you wanted to startdrinking, okay.
What can you do different?
You know, that kind of thing.
Just kind of pay attention.
But um yeah, so for me, the uhoh, here's one.
You talked about fireball.
So I commercially fish, and mypartner does too, and I came

(22:28):
home just uh uh in September.
And for some reason, I don'tknow why, in our refrigerator, I
opened up the vegetable drawer.
I kind of was seeing what heleft behind because he left
after me.
There was a fireball, a shot offireball, one of those little
things you get at the you know,maybe at the 7-Eleven, whatever.
And I looked at it and I'm like,so I recorded it for Instagram.

(22:50):
I'm like, oh my god, I want todrink this fireball.
Like, I don't even drinkfireball, but I could because
nobody's around, right?
And um, but wait a minute, Idon't want to drink fireball.
I don't drink anymore, so whatam I gonna do?
I'm just gonna like throw itaway, you know, and I'm gonna
eat something or go for a walk.

(23:12):
And it was just kind ofinteresting though how I did
have that thought that I coulddrink this fireball and
nobody's, you know, but I wouldbe lying to myself.

SPEAKER_04 (23:22):
So what's the point of that, right?
I had a very similar situationlike that happen maybe like six
months ago, seven months ago.
Um, I had a friend come stay theweekend with me at my apartment.
She drinks Miller Lites, like acase of Miller Whites a day.
Um, but she left and I wascleaning up after she left, and

(23:44):
I found one.
This is she had done this acouple of times, but uh, there
was one Miller White in the veryback of my refrigerator.
And I and and I I had those samethoughts.
No one would know.
If I drank this, no one wouldknow.
Um, but I ended up FaceTimingsomeone and dumping it down the
sink because I had to play playthe tape all the way through,
right?
And understand the theconsequences.

(24:06):
And I think that the the lyingaspect, I grew so tired of it
because I would tell peoplelike, yeah, I'm sober, or I'm
trying to get sober, or I don'twant to drink, and I would go
home and and drink.
And that's exhausting.
I felt like a fake.
I felt like my whole life was afacade, like it that's
exhausting.
Um uh Leonette and her husband,I'm very close with them.

(24:29):
So I would tell them, like,yeah, I'm sober, blah, blah,
blah, and then go home and getdrunk.
Or I never want to lie that wayagain.
And I know that if it itwhenever it's I would say, like,
yeah, I've been sober 30 days,knowing damn well I drank last
night, that's exhausting andit's a terrible feeling.
And it's not because I'm a badperson, it's because I'm an

(24:50):
alcoholic, right?
And it's it's so freeing to beable to look the people that I
love in the eyes and be like,not a drop.
I haven't had a drop.
And it's the first time I'veever been able to be like truly
honest with myself and my lovedones.
And yeah, it's it's a goodfeeling.

SPEAKER_00 (25:06):
I love so congratulations.
That's so cool.
It's so empowering, right?
To like really know, like you'renot lying, leave in a lie
anymore.

SPEAKER_04 (25:14):
Absolutely.
It was all a lie, like the itwas just one big lie that I kept
going, and they knew I waslying.
But I but I just yeah,alcoholic.

SPEAKER_01 (25:25):
I'm lying.
And like and the funny thing islike, we know you're lying.
So I I don't even understand.
Yeah, I just call around likeyou're lying.

SPEAKER_04 (25:34):
Yeah, like so to stop it.
I'm so close with her, I knowwhat each of her facial
expression means.
So I'd be telling her, like,yeah, I've been sober for two
weeks, and she's like, okay.

SPEAKER_01 (25:49):
You're the one that has a problem, not me.

SPEAKER_00 (25:53):
You ladies are true friends.
It's uh it's really adorable tosee.
Like that's what friends arefor, right?
Like a real friend is gonna evenstick with you, even though we
know you're watching.

SPEAKER_01 (26:05):
We stuck with her.

SPEAKER_04 (26:06):
She's seen some things I'm not she's seen more
than I've seen because I don'tremember them.

SPEAKER_01 (26:11):
So that's awesome.
You're I have a question aboutyour book.
So it's called Life Beyond theBinge.
So I'm assuming that it's notjust about alcohol.
Like what other addictions doyou do you like to coach on?

SPEAKER_00 (26:26):
I I just like to I'm an expert of my lived
experience, and um, so that'swhat I kind of focus on.
I was a binge eater um as a kidin high school.
It's not something that became,you know, it kind of stopped in
my 20s, so but I do rememberthat experience, and I know, you

(26:46):
know, I like to help people withthe emotional eating.
Um but uh but binging isbinging, right?
It's like it's like trying to,it's it's what we do, you know,
each of our own habits to makeus feel better when we're
uncomfortable.
And it's a way we've learned tocope to make uh you know, just

(27:06):
to make ourselves feel good.
Whatever it is, if you're bingewatching movies or if you're
gaming or smoking pot orwhatever your choice of feel
good is, it's a behavior we'verely we've just come to rely on.
If you're covered in thewhatever doing it.

SPEAKER_04 (27:25):
Can you tell me what that what that means?
I've I've heard binge eating andI and I truly don't understand
exactly what that looks like.
I know there's like bingeeating, binging and purging.
Um can you tell me what thatlooks like?

SPEAKER_00 (27:38):
Yeah, sure.
It's so it's kind of like when Iwhen I had that problem, it was
like um you just get it I canrelate it to like drinking
alcohol where you just getstarted.
Like if you're eating somechips, you know, you come home
from school is what I was doing,and you start snacking, right?
And before you know it, you'veeaten a bag of chips, and then

(28:01):
you move on to, you know, icecream, or you just keep eating,
and it's like when you're doingit kind of unaware, you don't
even really realize you're doingit until you like go, oh gosh,
you know, I ate all this stuff,and then you feel terrible
because you ate all this stuff,and you start all that self-talk

(28:22):
of I have no control, or what'smy problem, you know, I look
fat, all these things.
Um, it can lead to uh bulimia,which is where people throw up
partly for that reason becausethey don't want to gain weight,
so they're gonna go in thebathroom and throw it up.
Um, or just even that throwingup can be a release because you

(28:43):
like fill yourself up and thenyou empty yourself and you're
kind of like, oh, it's just it'svery kind of complicated.
Um so the first step is justlike sometimes people can't name
their feelings.
Like I as a teenager could notname my feelings, meaning I
didn't know I was depressed, orI didn't know I was you know,

(29:05):
whatever my feelings were.
So um you know, it's gettingawareness, getting help really.
I mean, that's the first thing.
Yeah.
But a lot of us are afraid toask for help, especially if
we're doing something we're kindof ashamed of, or we're we're we
think that we might get judgedfor, like someone might say,
Well, just stop eating, what'syour problem?

(29:25):
Like just put the bag of chipsdown, and like, well, it's not
that easy.

SPEAKER_04 (29:30):
I struggled with bulimia for many, many, many
years.
Um I would say from the timethat I was 16 or 17 up until I
got sober from alcohol.
And I would say that's somethingthat I worry about more so than
alcohol, even still.

(29:51):
Because it was just somethingthat I did for so so long.
And it was um I talked to atherapist about it and to try
and find out why.
I'm a thin, I'm a thin girl.
I'm she's little, she's like5'2.
I'm like 4'11 and I'm 90 pounds.

SPEAKER_01 (30:08):
I always give you more images.
I'm like, she's 5'2, and she'slike, I'm 4'11.

SPEAKER_04 (30:11):
I'm 4'11.
Um But my and so mine wasn'tmine wasn't about the weight.
I was not concerned about theweight at all.
Mine started when when I wasyounger, I grew up in the foster
care system, parents in and outof prison.
I lived with different familymembers and stuff like that.
And there was a lot of, a lot oftimes as a kid that I was

(30:35):
starving, like literallystarving.
And then whenever I got my firstjob around 16, I was able to buy
my own food.
So I would buy my own food and Iwould eat it.
And then I would, it was almostlike subconsciously I was
nervous.
Like, am I when am I gonna beable to eat again?
I have this food here, so Iwould make myself throw up so
that I could eat more.
And it was just, it was just, ithad nothing to do with weight

(30:57):
gain or body image or anythinglike that.
It was all about when's my nextmeal gonna be.
Like I need to, I I just wantedfood so bad.
And obviously, when you startdoing that, it just becomes a
thing that you do.
And and that was that wasanother one of my addictions was
food, I would say.
And and the the purging part ofit was very therapeutic for me.

(31:20):
It was like I was in control ofsomething.
And that that's what mytherapist and I came to the
conclusion of.
Um, so that yeah, that wasanother that was tough.

SPEAKER_00 (31:31):
Yeah, thanks for sharing that because a lot of
people aren't comfortabletalking about it.
Um, and it's beautiful you are,because it's very common,
really, right?
And I appreciate your your takeon your experience because it
was different than mine, but Ican relate that when I was a
bulimic, um, the purging wastherapeutic too.

(31:55):
And I think it's exactly as yousaid, the way you're saying, I
never went to counseling for it,I just stopped on my own.
So I never really got to get tothe heart of why.

SPEAKER_04 (32:09):
Um do you mind me now that you're doing how long
ago you stopped?

SPEAKER_00 (32:12):
Yeah, it well in my twenties, I was like 40 to yeah,
and I stopped when I wentcommercial fishing because um it
shared quarters.
I didn't want anyone to see meor hear me.
So I just stopped and it was umI think another reason I stopped
was um I cook in the on theboat, so my eating became more

(32:36):
uh I've I've found that I'm aperson that likes to eat small
amounts throughout the day.
So I I think I just got uhstabilized kind of like my maybe
I was missing nutrients orsomething, I don't know.
Um, but a combination of that, Ithink, is why and just overall
getting healthy mentally, morementally healthy where I didn't

(33:00):
rely on it.

SPEAKER_04 (33:01):
So yeah.
Do you think yours was moresurrounded around body image?

SPEAKER_00 (33:06):
Or I know you said you didn't really get to get to
the heart of the problem, but itI think it was body image, and
when I was a teenager, um yeah,definitely body image.
So I was a small person in myfamily, the smallest one.
And once I started getting intohigh school, I played soccer, I
was gaining some weight, and Ididn't like that.

(33:26):
I wanted to still be the tinylittle colleague that everyone
always says, Oh, you're so cute,you're so little.
Well, I wasn't, you know, I wasstarting to change, and I think
that was part of it too.
Got it.
Yeah, definitely body imagebecause being a certain weight
is still important to me.
I still maintain it.
Uh so I would say it's in ahealthy zone now, but I could

(33:50):
easily I have to just monitorit, kind of like drinking, just
be aware and pay attention andum just talk about it if I have
to, right?

SPEAKER_04 (34:01):
I've struggled with that a lot too since getting
sober from alcohol and and andstop the bulimia.
Um but but I again I would say Istruggle with that more today
than I do alcohol because I gotso nervous about doing it again,
especially I went through adivorce and just a lot of
things, uh, changes personally,which are always triggers for

(34:24):
me.
And so then I just kind of likestopped eating.
I I I couldn't eat, like I hadno appetite.
I got down to like 89 pounds.
And and so even to this day,that still makes me incredibly
nervous.
Um anytime I have like a bigmeal, I have to talk myself down
or whatever.

(34:45):
But now I'm trying to get moreon the healthier side of things.
Um you start you started workingout.
Which is great.
Go to the gym with my boyfriendsometimes.

SPEAKER_01 (34:56):
She's like not consistently starting stage.
And he he works out and she'slike, I don't do the gym.
We're not I said, girl, it'sgood for the mind.
Like I love to work out, eventhough, yeah, yeah, even though
it's hard.
Yeah.
I'm like, this is good for you.
This is good for the spirit andthe mind and the soul, all of
it.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (35:15):
It's it's it's when I'm alone.
Like if I'm alone and I have abig meal, I struggle with it
more.
If I'm with my family or I'mwith my boyfriend, I don't I I
would say it fades more and moreevery day, but it it's still
it's always in the back of mymind.

SPEAKER_00 (35:31):
For you, and and you know, it is it is uh like baby
stuff.
Like you every time you talkyourself down, you're and you
succeed, you're like gettingthere to a healthier view,
right?
And and even if you don't talkyourself down, think of all the
times you did.
So this is one of the things inAnnie Grace that was kind of a

(35:53):
big aha for me.
So we like to focus on whatwe're not doing right, right?
As human beings, especiallywomen.
So in a 30-day, she'll oftensay, Okay, because she doesn't
start you on the program and sayyou have to quit drinking, it's
kind of like you choose to quitwhen you're ready.
So a lot of people join the pathand they're still drinking.

(36:15):
So the thing is, is if in 30days you drank five times, well,
that's 25 times you didn'tdrink.
So rather than focusing on thefive times you drank, focus on
your progress of the 25 timesyou didn't.
And so it's kind of a a nicerway of reframing how we're doing

(36:37):
in life.

SPEAKER_01 (36:38):
I like that.
I do like that because that canapply to pretty much a lot of
things in our life.
Yeah, I like that.

SPEAKER_04 (36:45):
I like that a lot.
And that's almost like theopposite of AA a little bit.
They're more, they count thenumber, they're more
number-oriented, day oriented, Iguess you could say.
Yeah, that's uh my um Yeah,okay.
Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 (37:02):
Oh, I just try to be careful of what I say.

SPEAKER_04 (37:05):
Oh, I see, I see, I see.
I'm I'm bad at that.
I'm bad at that.
She just says it.
She just does it.
I just did it.
Yeah, that was a huge struggle.
It it it was um I felt like Istruggled with it as much as I
did alcohol, except people couldsee that they could see when I
was drunk, right?
They couldn't see whenever I wasmaking myself throw up or

(37:27):
overeating.
They couldn't see that part.
So believe me, it was easier tohide, which also I think made it
more dangerous too, because it'sit's so easy to do.

SPEAKER_00 (37:37):
Yeah, but it but it's also something that you
know you're doing, right?
And so if it's it's like beingyour own, you know, you could be
like, yeah, it's uh it's likedone in secret.
So that's kind of not a goodfeeling, right?
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (37:52):
For sure.

SPEAKER_00 (37:53):
Hiding the issue, but um, but there are a lot of
people struggling out there, soright?
So if everyone is it's it'sreally common.
I was so surprised when Ifinally set talked about it, how
many girls in high school I wentwith.
I said, Oh yeah, I used to eatand throw up.
I was like, Oh, really?
Oh my god, we should have had aa group back then, you know?

(38:16):
Like, what's going on, girls?
Like, what's what's happening?
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (38:21):
I have a scar on my hand from making myself throw up
where my teeth were.
It literally left it.
It's it's pretty faded now, butit was did you stick your whole
hand?
Like yeah, it's like like that.
Yeah, this was my scar.
It's faded now, but it was itwas bad.
So I don't think I've evernoticed that.

(38:42):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (38:42):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (38:43):
Well, that's because it's faded now, but it used to
be really bad, and it would getchapped, and it was it's
embarrassing, but it's faded.

SPEAKER_00 (38:51):
Yeah, well, congratulations on on getting
where you're at, though.
And I hope you figure out how ifit creeps back in, how to get
where you need to go.

SPEAKER_01 (39:00):
So I have a question.
Um, I don't know if I heard iton the podcast.
I listened to you on a podcast,so I don't know if I heard it
there or if it's on yourwebsite.
What is the 95-5?
Is that a rule?
Is that a method?
What is that exactly?

SPEAKER_00 (39:14):
Yeah, it's something I discovered for myself that I
think might be might be a commonproblem for people.
It so when I was looking back athow I stayed stuck in my binge
drinking cycle for years, I I'vecome to find it's kind of like a
95-5 factor.
Meaning, 95% of the time when Idrank, I considered myself a

(39:39):
normal drinker.
You know, I didn't always drinktoo much, I didn't drink every
day.
And even when I did binge drinkor party, nothing bad happened,
right?
Except a hangover.
Um, but the 5% I call that'swhere within the binge drinking,
the partying side, there's awild card.

(40:00):
And I never knew when it wasgonna flip up.
Because for instance, I shouldbe dead around six times.
I've jumped in a uh river, Ishould have drowned, I drove
home drunk.
I consider that uh a possibilityto die, right?
Driving home drunk.
I've done that a couple times.
Um I fell asleep driving once.

(40:22):
Yeah, it just goes on.
There's a few other I fell off abalcony once and and should have
died.
Oh my goodness.
Wow, at a party.
I was bleeding internally and Ididn't know it.
Oh wow, yeah.
So that's what I'm talkingabout, is that this is and I'm
not preaching for anyone to quitdrinking, and that's not my
message.

(40:43):
My message is how is thepartying working for you?
And just know that if you arebinge drinking, there is that
wild card, and it can flip overanytime.
You know, you could become.
I have some instances in mybook, uh a gal I work with on
the boat, she's 25, and thefirst time she drank uh was just

(41:09):
at 25.
She never really wanted todrink, but some people
encouraged her, and she waslike, Okay, I should go to at
least try drinking once, right?
So she went out with some of thegirls on the boat after work and
they went to a bar, and sheremembers the last drink she
took, she was on the dance floordancing with her friends, and

(41:31):
she blacked out.
And that's something we haven'ttalked about yet, but she
blacked out and she wakes up inthe morning on the boat, because
we when we work shipyard, westay on the boat, so she was
sleeping on the boat, and shedoesn't remember anything past
that last drink.

(41:51):
She's still drunk, right, in themorning.
Uh she goes to work.
The boss at the time tells her,Go back to bed and don't show
your face, because he shouldfire her, right?
Um, because you're not supposedto be drinking while you're
contracted on the shipyard.
But um, so her friends tell herthat they left the bar and these
two guys approached them andoffered to give her a ride home.

(42:15):
And everyone was kind of drunk,right?
Her friends were drunk too, butnot as drunk as she was.
And they're saying, No, no, no,we got her, and the guys are
saying, Oh, she's hard to holdup.
And anyways, they're trying topull her away from their
friends, and they have like thisshock of something that they are
going they want to try to put inher arm.

(42:35):
They're like fighting over hername's Maria.
Yeah, they're like fighting overMaria on the street, and the
girls tug her away and and justsplit, and then the guys just
kind of backed off and let itbe.
But um, so then they drove backto the boat.
They were drunk too, theyprobably shouldn't have been
driving, but nobody got hurt,nobody got a DUI.

(42:59):
I mean, she could have beenthrown in trafficking.

SPEAKER_01 (43:01):
Oh, for sure.
That's the first thing I thoughtof when you said that.
That's it.
That's amazing.
Wow.

SPEAKER_00 (43:06):
Me too.
And if her friends had left her,she would have been oh yeah, who
knows what.
Oh yeah.
Right?
So this is these are this iswhat I'm talking about, and this
has been my experiences.
I talk about I talk about kindof the tame ones, but I have a
lot of really crazy ones.
But um, and and that's just whatI'm talking about in the binge

(43:28):
drinking cycle.

SPEAKER_01 (43:30):
I think I've gone through a period of that.
If I'm if if now that Iunderstand what the binge
drinking, what that looks like,oh heck yeah.
In my in my 20s for sure.
For sure.
And I might be, I should be deadtoo a few times, actually.
Did it?
Now that we're talking about it,I'm like, I should be dead a few
times.

SPEAKER_04 (43:47):
What do you mean?

SPEAKER_01 (43:47):
Like you went down binge drinking?
Oh yeah, of course.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (43:53):
Did you ever nerve were were you ever worried you
had a problem?

SPEAKER_01 (43:57):
Um yeah, maybe like yeah, I would say the next day.
Yeah, definitely the next day.
It's like, Lord, I will never dothis again.

SPEAKER_04 (44:07):
Because I've known her, I've known her for like 15
years, something crazy.
Oh my gosh.
And but I've never seen you sloplike drunk.

SPEAKER_01 (44:16):
I think I stopped being sloppy drunk like mid-30s.

SPEAKER_04 (44:20):
I've seen you drunk, but I've never envyed.
I've always envied her for thatbecause we would have we would
have parties here at the houseand I would be on a different
planet.
And she she's always able to butalso you're a lot younger than
me.

SPEAKER_01 (44:33):
I've had my time, I've had my time just.
If you ask people that were likethere at the time, they would
say, Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (44:41):
Yeah.
Dang.
So I need to I need to dig intosome of those stories at some
point.

SPEAKER_01 (44:46):
Yeah, you know, you just don't know when to stop.
Yeah.
So yeah.
And like like you said, Colleen,like I didn't drink every day.
But when I did, I went balls tothe wall, that's for sure.
You know, I just went all out.
So um, I don't know.
I think just growing and thenyou just get tired of it.
Yeah.
And then I just I and it's likehow Colleen is saying, like you

(45:09):
kind of I I I say it's peptalks, like you walk yourself
through it and it's like, butwhy?
Like why?
And then you just get tired.
So now I know.
I mean, I drink, uh I do like todrink, but I am more aware of
when to stop.
Like, okay, it's time to stopand it's okay.

SPEAKER_04 (45:25):
Yeah, you're always you're always very um classy
when you drink.
I'm very chasing.

SPEAKER_01 (45:30):
You caught me on my classy, my class air.

SPEAKER_00 (45:34):
As you get older too, it's it's kind of less
acceptable.
Yeah.
Kind of the the partying kind ofslows down like that.
It does.

SPEAKER_01 (45:41):
For sure.
It does.
Like you get tired of it forsome of us.

SPEAKER_04 (45:44):
Um I have a question for you, Colleen.
Now that you've been sober foralmost five years, right?
Um do you find yourself likehyper-vigilant of people, other
people in your life?
Like I f I find now, like thethe further sober I get, I find

(46:05):
um that when people are what Ithink to be maybe abusing
alcohol or maybe going aroundgoing down the same sort of path
I did.
I want to like, I wanna helpthem.
I'm I'm very um hyper aware ofit and I want to help them.
And I'm like, okay, I can't helpanybody.
I know for a fact, if love couldhave got me sober, I'd have been
sober a long time ago, right?

(46:25):
So I know for a fact thatnobody's ready until they're
ready.
But I I struggle with thatsometimes.
I just want to like fixeverybody.
I'm like, no, you don'tunderstand how good the sober
side of life is, you know.
So do you find yourself in thatsame situation ever?

SPEAKER_00 (46:43):
Um I feel like like you, yes, we cannot change
anyone else, right?
And so it it for me it's sad tosee like yes, being on the other
side, you're like, oh my god, Iwas so duped.
I duped myself for years that Ineeded alcohol.
And so I would love to justshout that from the top of the

(47:04):
roof.
Like, you know, we don't need todrink to have fun, right?
Um, but also we all have our ownjourney in life of what it is we
need to learn, and sometimesother people's experiences are
what they need to get towherever they need to go.
And so um, I just try to be anexample.

(47:27):
Uh I don't waste my timeanymore, that's for sure.
Like I don't want to hang aroundif the party is turning a
different level, I leave, youknow.
It's just um and I'm alwayshappy I'm not drunk too,
right? 'Cause I'm gonna wake upand work out or whatever.
Uh and I know they probablyaren't.

(47:48):
Yeah.
So um I just think it's uh sonice to finally be for me in my
life of being intentional withmy time and who I want to spend
it with.
I don't I don't really want towaste time anymore with people
that I don't want to be with orsituations or anything really.

(48:09):
I mean, time is so valuable.

SPEAKER_04 (48:12):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (48:13):
I used to waste a lot of it drunk and hung over.

SPEAKER_04 (48:15):
Me too.
Yeah.
I used to watch TV.
I would be laying on the couch,either drunk or hung over, and I
would watch TV.
And I I remember so vividly itit one time I was like, I want
to be normal.
Like I want to be able they werelike out eating at a restaurant.
I couldn't go out to eat at arestaurant right now if I wanted
to, because I my anxiety is sobad, I'm sweating, I'm nauseous,

(48:36):
my head hurts.
Like, and so oh I I I I thankGod I never have to feel that
way ever again.
But I have a family member who Ithink might be struggling a
little bit with some alcoholism,and she's she's young, she's
only two years older than me.
Um, my my older sister, and um,she called me two nights ago,

(48:58):
and like I don't know if sheremembers calling me or what,
but I I just felt so sad.
I just felt so sad because Iknow what that feels like, and
um it wasn't a normal, like, heygirl, I had a couple drinks
tonight, it's a holiday.
It it's become a pretty commonthing.
And um she a black eye on herface and stuff like that.

(49:20):
So I'm like, I I want to jump inand be like, wait, you don't
have to do this, or or let metry to help you.
But I also know number one, I'veI've only been sober a year and
a half, so I don't think thatI'm like the sobriety guru or
anything like that.
But um, and I know that peoplearen't ready until they're
ready.
But I was just curious if youhad any advice.

SPEAKER_00 (49:43):
Don't diminish it, my dear.
Your year and a half is a hugedeal.
Thank you.
You really are, thank you.
And you are, I I would look toyou as a uh someone who really
has a lot to share and a lot ofexperience, and you really can
make an impact for a lot ofpeople.
Because, like I I have aquestion, how did you stop?

(50:04):
Because your style of drinkingwas totally different than mine,
and it sounds like a really hardshift.

SPEAKER_04 (50:11):
It was.
Um, I have two children.
I've got a 13-year-old son andI've got a two and a
half-year-old son.
So as much as I'd like to sithere and say, I I did it for my
kids, I did it for my kids, um,that was a part of the reason,
yes.
But I just I got fucking tired,to be honest.
I was drinking and I've gone todetox probably five or six

(50:34):
times, like facility detox.
I've been 1013, which is amandatory suicide hold.
Um, I've gone to like an actualrehab three times?
Three times.

SPEAKER_01 (50:47):
Yeah, you've yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (50:48):
So I I I tried, but never because I want to try.
They were telling me, or mykids, or you know, my
ex-husband, whatever the casemay be.

SPEAKER_01 (50:56):
It was never and so I um I think the last I feel
like it was the the last timeyou went to to rehab.
Detox, yes.
You went down to Florida.
And I drank after that.
I I know, but I think afterthat, after you came back and
drank, I don't know whathappened, but you were just like
I like it was like an instantlike shift.

SPEAKER_04 (51:17):
I don't think I was in a a terrible marriage, a
very, very abusive marriage.
Um and I I I wanted to get outof that marriage.
I wanted to get out of thatsituation.
I ended up divorcing him, wasstill drinking even after my
divorce, and I just felt likethe smallest human in the world.
I um ended up going on a girls'trip, got wasted drunk, like

(51:40):
turned away at the airport andcame home drunk, drank on the
plane, drank in the Uber on theway home, like just drunk,
drunk, drunk.
And I came home and I couldn'tsee my kids because I was too
drunk to see them.
And um I woke up the next day.
My mom actually came to myapartment and I woke up the next
day and I I I just lost it.

(52:01):
I was born, I was like, Igenuinely for real this time.
I can't do this shit anymore.
I'm done.
I'm done.
So she ended up taking me to adetox center in Dunwoody, and I
was there for five days.
Um and I literally, when I wouldgo to detox and rehab before, I
would do all the classes and allthe AA meetings and everything.
I was like the superstar AAgirly up in there.

(52:24):
This time, I just I stayed tomyself.
I I just stayed in my room.
I would go to the classes that Ithat were mandatory that I had
to go to.
I just stayed to myself.
I prayed.
I wrote letters to to her, herhusband's like a father and me
to I consider them my parents.
I wrote letters to my parents, Iwrote letters to my kids, I
wrote letters to my ex-husband.

(52:45):
And for those five days, I I Idon't know.
I I truly don't know.
I just I knew I couldn'tcontinue.
I knew that that I wanted moreout of life, and it was
debilitating.
Alcoholism for me wasdebilitating because I couldn't
function.
There are several alcoholics whocan who can completely function
or get up and go to work.
I cannot function.

(53:06):
So my whole life, that's astretch, my drinking life was
literally just laid up in bedsick as a dog or blacked out.
And I just I was exhausted.
So I prayed a lot.

SPEAKER_01 (53:19):
And we were praying for you too.
Yes, I know you were.
At that moment, I remember yourmom calling, and um normally I'm
like, I drop what I do andeither go get the boys or go
figure her out.
And I told her mom, I was like,I I can't do this anymore.
Like it's been years of doingthis and coming to her rescue,
and I'm tired and I have kidsand I have a life, and it was

(53:41):
like I think nine o'clock atnight.
I'm like, I'm not doing thatbecause I know it's gonna go
into the morning and I'm justlike, I I I can't.
So you guys gotta figure thisout.
Like, and you know, she's like,I know, I get it, I get it.
And so I guess that's when shefound your you know the detox
place.
But yeah, like at some point youwere gonna just lose everybody

(54:03):
and it was gonna force you toeither just continue alone or
make some changes.
Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (54:09):
And I and and and truly like I feel like I um I
shit on myself a lot foralcoholism and and um the my
upbringing and things like that,but I really do feel like I'm a
strong woman and I feel like Ihave a purpose, right?
I feel like um I just I wantmore.

(54:30):
I'm meant to do more, I'm meantto be more, and I could never do
that if I was drinking.
And I just got to a point whereI was like, I want more for
myself, I want more for my kids,I want to fall in love one day.
There were so many things Iwanted to do, and I knew I
couldn't accomplish it unless Igot sober.
And now that I'm sober and allof these wonderful things have
happened, and it's truly likeeverything that I wish for, not

(54:54):
everything, but a lot of thingsthat I've wished for have come
to fruition.
And it's it's I I was telling mydad the other day, um, because I
have someone else in my life whocame to me asking me for advice,
and I was telling him the otherday, I'm like, it's it's
actually insane being sober andlooking back at the way I used

(55:14):
to live and how I'm like, Idon't know how I survived it.
I I should have been dead.
Absolutely.
Like the last time I went todetox, I was having to take
shots on the hour drive to detoxbecause they were telling me
like her heart will stop.
I would drink, I don't know howmuch I I I would drink every

(55:34):
single bit that I could.
Like I've had seizures, I'vebeen hospitalized.
It's it, yeah.
It I there was no boundary forme.

SPEAKER_00 (55:44):
Your story sounds kind of similar to a gal I've
met in the podcasting circle,Gina Kunandian, and her podcast
is called A Shine Within.
And she had it has a storysimilar to you.
You're like a younger version.
You guys have a lot in common.
I really should check her out.
Yeah, think about checking herout if you have a chat.
A shine within.

(56:05):
She's just really a beautifulhuman being, and you really the
same kind of um vibe.

SPEAKER_01 (56:11):
I would love well, and I always tell her, like,
because she is very hard onherself.
And I just feel like God uses usin so many ways.
And even in our darkest momentswhen we think we're like just
worthless, like He's gonna usethat, and and you're gonna be
able to touch other people anduh guide other people because
you've been there, like you'renot you know, you've been there,

(56:35):
you've done that, and and youcan say, I know exactly what
you're going through.
Yeah.
And so I just think he's gonnause you in those ways and and
just when you're when thatnegativity comes in, just remind
yourself like I have a story andhe's gonna use it even for for
his glory.
So that's yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (56:53):
I would eventually love to help other people.
That would that would be a hugegoal of mine.
Um not usually.
You are great.
You're showing up.

SPEAKER_02 (57:03):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (57:04):
Thank you.
I I would I would love toeventually how do you think that
would look for you?
Like honestly This one's told mefor years and years and years.
Even like before I got sober,she's always told me, like,
you're you're you're gonna helppeople, like I feel it, you have
a purpose.
Um, I never felt that.
And even to this day, it wasn'tstrong.

(57:26):
But honestly, when when I hadsomeone come to me and say, Hey,
I think I might have a drinkingproblem, like, and try and get
advice for me, I was like, Holyshit, somebody is getting advice
from me about drinking.
And that kind of sparkedsomething within me.
And and and that likefrustrating is not the right
adjective, but that feeling ofwanting to shake them and be

(57:47):
like, wait a second, there islife is so much better without
it.
Not for everyone, right?
Because there are people who candrink in a very healthy way.
And and but for the people whoaren't able to, like, I
literally want to shake, Iwanted to shake her and be like,
just please stop now.
You you don't have to live thisway, whatever.
Obviously, that's not the way itworks.
Um, but that sparked somethingin within me where I'm like, I I

(58:10):
I don't know what it would looklike.
I don't know if it's justhelping random people or friends
of friends or getting intocoaching.
Um I I I honestly I don't know.
I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 (58:22):
Yeah, you don't have to spend thousands to go through
a program to be a good coach.
I learned that.
So I just wanted to share thatwith you because I think when
we're inspired like this, like Iwas, I spent a lot of money and
I don't regret it.
I am just saying that you have alot of strength and confidence,
but we we just have and I do, Ijust had to believe it.

(58:44):
So I spent a lot of money goingthrough these programs so people
could tell me I was ready whenI've been ready for a long time.
I just had to believe it.
Right.
So as Lynette's telling you, andit's in you, it's and in in you
and in me, we just have tobelieve it.
Right.

(59:05):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (59:05):
I think like if I if if I were truly to think about
that question in my perfectworld, like motivational
speaking, that would besomething.
I can totally love to do that.

SPEAKER_01 (59:14):
I can totally see you doing that.

SPEAKER_04 (59:16):
That would be something I would love to do at
like high schools or you know,whatever, whatever the case may
be.

SPEAKER_00 (59:20):
Yeah, well, you know what?
We have to stay in touch becausethat's who I want to reach with
my book.

SPEAKER_03 (59:25):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (59:26):
And um, so my this girl I was telling me about, the
younger gal, um, she's gonna,we're gonna go together.
I've already told her she'sHispanic.
I said, we're gonna, you know,they want to hear from you, they
don't want to hear from this oldlady, so I need you on stage
with me.
Oh, I love nice.
Yeah, so we have to stay intouch because my 2026 is

(59:46):
morphing from coaching intospeaking.
And um, so where where are youguys located?
Atlanta.

SPEAKER_01 (59:55):
We're in Georgia.

SPEAKER_00 (59:55):
Atlanta, yeah.
Okay, are you still in C?
I was wanted to go to Georgia,so maybe we'll have.
To get something lined up foryour schools in Georgia.

SPEAKER_04 (01:00:03):
Are you still in Seattle?
I am, but I like Seattle.
Oh, you do?

SPEAKER_00 (01:00:08):
Okay, come to Seattle.
We have a spare bedroom.
It's wide open for you, girls.
You both have to come, okay.
I love it.
I would love to.

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:16):
I would love to.

SPEAKER_04 (01:00:17):
Seattle's on my list of places I really want to go.

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:20):
So are you?
This is so cool.
Yeah.
So when your book comes out inMay, is this what you're trying
to do?
Is like, you know, go to highschools and younger uh audiences
to share your book and yourwisdom.

SPEAKER_00 (01:00:33):
Yes.
It's great.
It's really to make an impact.
It's when my late husband diedafter he after I went through
all my grieving and all thestages you go through after
suicide.
Um I made a promise to him thatI would do something.
And I thought it was volunteerfor the 988 Hotline, Suicide
Hotline, but it's turned intothis.

(01:00:54):
And it's it's really cool whenwe find our purpose.
And I realized that like youwere saying, all our struggles
when we get to the other side,they're they're they're meant to
have happened, really.
I can't help people withouthaving gone through my
struggles.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:12):
Exactly.
Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:14):
And and I'm passionate about it because I I
know what the struggle's likeand um and I wanted help.
Yeah.
I love that.
So yeah, it's um so yeah, inanswer to your question, 2026 is
looking like a lot of speaking,more writing, because I really

(01:01:34):
do like to write and getting onpodcasts.
So thank you for saying yes.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:39):
Yes, no, thank you for reaching out.
I just always love to talk likethis, like talk openly and
honestly about our struggles andabout what we're going through.
Cause a lot of times as women,we just want to put it like, you
know, suppress.
Yeah, suppress and put it allinside and act like we're
handling everything.
And when you start talkingvulnerably and and open and

(01:02:00):
authentically, then you realize,wow, I'm not doing this by
myself.
I'm not living this life bymyself.
And I just love when people arejust authentic.
Because it does, it helpseverybody when you just speak
truth.

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:12):
And it yeah, and especially with suicide.
Like when I I went to this on auh vacation with some women, and
we were talking, and I talkedabout my late husband's death by
suicide.
So we started talking aboutsuicide, and it's amazing how
many people will tell me, justnot hardly even knowing me,
their experience with eithersuicide or I've thought of

(01:02:33):
killing myself, or and it justbrings up really like real
conversations about seriousstuff, you know, that you're
like, wow, I'm so sad you werein that place.
Like you're not alone.
Yeah.
There's a lot of other peoplewith the same thing going on,
and it doesn't mean you'recrazy, it just means we need to

(01:02:56):
help each other.
Yeah, we need to help eachother.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03:00):
Yeah, we do, we do.
Yeah.
I love it.
Well, Colleen, I I thank you somuch.
Is there anything that you wantto share?
Anything else about the book,about your message?

SPEAKER_00 (01:03:12):
No, I just hope you know your listeners have fun
listening and gain somethingfrom it.
I'm, you know, I'm I'm doingthis for impact and it's my
passion.
So the way the universe works isthings will flow.
And I I am, I do keep mypromise.
So when uh you guys haven't,this isn't the last you're gonna

(01:03:34):
hear from it.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03:35):
No, I love it.

SPEAKER_00 (01:03:36):
Girls trip 20 years.
I am serious.
No, we're serious too.
We'll be there dead soon.
I will be there.
Okay, well, we'll have to get ameeting together past this.
I love it.
Thank you.
Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03:51):
I'll leave you with this.
You're so hard on yourself.
Take a moment.
Sit back, marvel at your life,at the grief that softened you,
at the heartache that wisenedyou, at the suffering that

(01:04:12):
strengthened you.
Despite everything, you stillgrow.
Be proud of this.
Thank you so much for listeningto Virago247.
If you haven't done so already,go ahead and hit that subscribe
button and please give usfive-star ratings.

(01:04:34):
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