November 3, 2024 • 33 mins
On this episode of When the Bough Breaks Podcast, we get a very special visit from the doc himself, Dr. Robb Kelly (As seen on TV!) But he didn't get his double PHD until after struggling with his own addiction which led to his estrangement.
If you or someone you love is struggling with substance abuse ,you don't want to miss this episode.
Listen
Watch
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:16):
This is Alexis Erlin, and you are listening to
and watching When the Bow BreaksPodcast.
We are here today with Dr.
Rob Kelly.
If you don't know who he is,just Google him.
He's everywhere.
He's all over the place.
He's very accomplished.
He's done a lot of work himselfin his own personal life.
And uh he devotes himself andhis time to helping others.
(00:38):
Dr.
Rob Kelly, thank you so much forbeing on the show today.
We're really excited to have youhere.
SPEAKER_01 (00:43):
Thank you.
Great to be here, guys.
SPEAKER_00 (00:46):
Well, can you tell everyone a little bit about what
you do?
Just a little bit.
If they're not familiar, if theyhaven't Googled yet, tell us a
little bit about who you are andwhat you do.
SPEAKER_01 (00:55):
Hey guys, my name is Dr.
Rob Kelly.
We specialize in neurosciencepertaining to childhood trauma,
depression, PTSD, alcoholism,drug addiction, and just
wellness as a whole.
We also deal with entrepreneurswho want to take their business
to another level.
So we use the neuroscience andmindset.
We're very big on the consciousand subconscious parts of the
(01:19):
brain.
And we're very big on what thebrain and the mind, mind sits
inside the brain, mind overmatter, the brain's matter of
how we can program the mind tohave anything we want and have a
such a great day every singleday and achieve whatever we want
to achieve every single time.
So we wrote the code.
SPEAKER_00 (01:38):
Right.
I really like what you saidabout changing your mindset
because that's basically whatyou do when you are recovering
from abuse.
You have to change your mindset,and that's when the healing
starts.
So I want to talk about that.
What made you want to come onthis show?
I know um I just had an emailkind of pop up in my inbox and
(02:02):
uh from Courtney, I think, andshe was saying, um, wow, this is
actually really cool.
I want to get you guysconnected.
Uh, what is your fascinationabout this show?
One of the Bow Breaks podcasts.
SPEAKER_01 (02:15):
Well, what happens is we're a multi-million dollar
company, and Courtney's my mediadirector.
So what she does is she goesaround and she seeks out
podcasts that she thinks I'll beamazing, but and here's the but
the host has to be amazing.
Because I get hundreds of offersa week um to go on people's
(02:37):
podcasts, and you know, you'llnever see me promote anything in
here, guys.
I'm not for that.
I just think uh Alexis andmyself can bring some some
greatness into your life.
So she calls she calls me out,emails me, and on this occasion,
you're one of three this yearwhere she comes down and goes,
You've got to meet this girl.
And I don't argue with itanymore.
Usually go, who is she?
(02:58):
So it doesn't make a differencewe've got one follower or
billion follows.
Um, it's that she saw somethingin you that she knows I will
like, and that's the reasonwe're here.
SPEAKER_00 (03:08):
Oh, I see.
Well, for those of you who arelistening for the first time,
When the Bow Breaks podcast is apodcast that focuses on family
estrangement, and we also talkabout the events that kind of
lead up to that.
And uh, one of those things isuh drug abuse.
And um, can you talk a littlebit about how I don't know how
(03:33):
to present this question becauseI feel like it's so big.
Um in dealing with estrangementand drug abuse, can you talk
about what that's likepersonally?
SPEAKER_01 (03:48):
Well, you know, I'm fully recovered today.
I don't I don't put tags onmyself today.
Sure.
Um just living my dream.
But going back, you know, backto childhood trauma, which is
the gateway drug, by the way,uh, and and the the estrangement
not only from families andfriends, but my alcohol, because
alcohol was my was my deal.
(04:09):
It wasn't someone's drugs.
I like drugs, you know,alcoholics are born, drug
addicts are made.
Yeah, before you start throwingthings at the computer, guys,
I'll I'll explain that later.
But yeah, I mean, I was I I losteverything.
I lost my wife, my children, 80sone and three, my houses, my
cars.
Um, I moved out to my mom's anddad's, I stayed there for a
(04:30):
week.
They threw me out, and and Iended up homeless on the streets
of Manchester, England, whereit's very cold, very rainy, and
only 3% of people get off thestreets where I was, and 97% of
people die on the streets.
So after seven attempts ofsuicide, on two occasions it
worked, and I was dead on thestreet, and they brought me back
(04:52):
to life uh on two occasions, andI hated them, man.
I hated them then for that,Alexis, because I didn't
actually go to hell when I wason the streets, but I could sure
see it from where I was.
I didn't want to live, uh, Iwanted to kill myself.
I tried various ways, jumpingoff buildings, stuff like that.
Um, and it never seems to work.
(05:12):
So, what intrigued me aboutaddiction as a whole, and
everyone has an addiction, andit could be watching too much TV
or you know, dangerous ones, buteveryone has an addiction.
I want you to understand that,guys, before we start this
journey.
And I've got 35 years experiencewith 9,000 patients and millions
(05:33):
of people that I see regularly.
So, and we studied neuroscienceor kind of neuroscientists.
It's like I was sick of peoplegoing, well, you're an
alcoholic, so just go to AA orgo, you know, go and see the
doctor.
I went to see the doctor and hehe told me he's an alcoholic.
Well, here's the deal alcoholismis the only self-diagnosed
(05:54):
illness in the world.
10 D WIs do not make me analcoholic.
A warning from the doctordoesn't make me an alcoholic.
Three parts of my brain differto every other uh non-alcoholic
and addict out there.
So the normal person doesn'thave the difference in my head,
especially the hypothalamus,which we'll get into.
So, you know, I'm on thisjourney from the moment I got
(06:16):
off the streets, huge spiritualawakening, uh, to help the guys
that are suffering fromanything, mental health
pertaining to, and the families.
Because what we found is when wegot the families involved, and I
don't mean you see them intreatment centers and they go
once a month, and the the youknow, the wife will tell the
husband off, and you did this,and you'd made me feel like
(06:36):
that.
It's nothing like that.
That the the the uh spouse hasto do work on themselves, and
and we do work with with theguide of suffering.
Um, that when we do that, thesuccess rate of uh the patient
goes up by 42% alone.
That's why we have a 97% successrate, and we're the only company
(06:57):
in the world that will refundyour money if you relapse while
still following our program.
Nobody else can say that.
Yeah, nobody else can say that.
Nobody else dare say that, butwe do.
SPEAKER_00 (07:09):
That sounds like a pretty sweet deal, especially
for families who have that oneperson who has had to go so many
times.
Because, you know, it it'salmost it's very similar to, I
mean, it's an abusiverelationship essentially.
And the average uh uh personwho's in an abusive
(07:30):
relationship, it takes them atleast seven times to an average
of seven times before they canleave that relationship or break
that trauma bond.
And so it's the same with drugsand alcohol.
It can take so many times, somany tries for it to stick and
for it to work.
That to me is a safety net thatwould make it easier for me to
(07:53):
want to participate in a programlike that.
And uh, I'm glad you mentionedthat um for all of you
listening.
Sounds like a pretty sweet deal.
SPEAKER_01 (08:02):
Um we've been working on this a long time, but
you know, when we when we lookat I have two PhDs, behavioral
science and psychology.
Um, when you look at humanbehavior as a whole, females,
not so much males, females stayin relationships way too long,
especially when there isdysfunctional relationship.
So we go back to childhood, andthis this is what happens, guys.
(08:25):
Let's say I a baby's born,female baby, and uh it's a
toddler, and you know, the hotstove, and mom says, Don't put
your hand on the stove, but wealways do and it burns.
The fundamental lesson rightthere to the child is whatever
mom tells me is the truth.
So, however it is, I'm gonnastick with that.
If that if the house isdysfunctioning and there's
(08:46):
alcoholism and abuse and stufflike that, that becomes normal
life to me or the girl as achild.
So when I leave thatrelationship with mom and dad,
who was always fighting everynight, dad comes home, starts a
fist fight, that becomes thenorm for me.
That becomes a comfort zonewhere I can step away and hide
while this is going on.
(09:06):
So the girl leaves the house,finally goes to college, or
finds a boyfriend, she willattract the same guy as uh dad
was, and will stand for the sameabuse that a dad used to do to
the extreme that if they find agood guy, they will
self-sabotage the relationship.
(09:27):
So just to emphasize that, backin the late 60s in England,
there was a girl, 16 years old.
She got snatched off the side ofthe street.
People saw it, but they couldn'tfind the guys.
There was a manhunt for like twomonths.
All across the UK, couldn't findhim.
Nine months later, a police caris following another car down a
country road.
He had a broken signal line,broken backlight.
(09:50):
So he pulled him over.
Now, this is a 60s, remember?
Uh, and the way you used to findout if it was your car, they
used to go, hey, what's in thetrunk?
Open yellow jacket pair ofboots, open up yellow jacket
pair of it's your car.
Off you go.
They found a stolen screwdriverin this guy's house.
Now they're allowed to go backto their house and search.
And sure enough, lawn mowers,drills, everything it stole from
(10:13):
this hardware store, thousandsof dollars worth of stuff.
The police officer or one ofthose found a box in the corner.
It was about four foot high byabout 12 foot wide.
They smashed the lock off andthey were pointing at the guy
saying, We know you've got morestolen stuff in there.
And there was the girl that wentmissing nine months ago.
SPEAKER_00 (10:33):
Wow.
SPEAKER_01 (10:33):
So she was bruised and battered, but she was alive.
You check her out every day,abuse her, bath, food, restroom,
back in the box for nine months.
Okay.
When the policewoman stepped,leaned over the box, she took
this girl's hand and she helpedthe girl step out of the box.
She took a police coat off andshe wrapped it around this poor
girl.
(10:54):
What's the first thing she did?
She got back in the box.
And that's what we do torelationships and life and work
and stuff.
We just stay in that comfortzone, man, as painful as it is,
because our programming and andspecifically the basal ganglia,
the basal ganglia becomes inthat routine that this is the
(11:14):
norm, and I can stay safe, eventhough they're being hurt on a
daily basis.
And what happens with light iswe stay there and we don't come
out baby.
And how many times have youheard guys say this with my
patients anyway?
The guy will say to them, Noone's gonna have you with three
kids.
Who do you think's gonna haveyou?
What a bunch of crap.
(11:35):
Yeah, that's a guy there.
That's not a real man, okay?
I can't stand it.
That's a weak man saying what hecan out of jealousy and fear.
He wants to shut up and move outif he wants to move out.
Because anybody's capable ofanything.
You need you can't sit in thatcomfort zone, guys.
Yeah, you really can't.
You will die in that comfortzone.
SPEAKER_00 (11:57):
If you'd like to be a guest, send us an email.
wtvvpodcast at gmail.com.
Back to the show.
I just uh recorded an episodethe other day where um I was
just kind of talking tosurvivors who are in that
situation.
Leaving doesn't sound like fun,it sounds very scary.
(12:21):
And but not as scary as it doesfor you to stay.
To me, what will happen to youis much scarier if you stay.
And I thank God for people likeI don't want to say thank God
because I'm an atheist, but youknow what I mean.
The same, thankful for peoplewho recognize that I was in an
(12:44):
abusive situation when I didn'trecognize that I was in an
abusive relationship.
I needed someone like that copto put a coat around me and show
me some compassion and show methat things don't have to be
like that, that I don't have toget back in that box.
So I really am happy that you'rehere and doing the work that
you're doing.
And I feel like I want to do thesame thing.
(13:07):
Tell people, you do not have toget back in that box.
It's not made for you.
You may be comfortable with it,but it's not made for you.
SPEAKER_01 (13:16):
It's not made for you.
Oh my God, I love that.
Absolutely.
You know, it's not, but unless,like you said, you can't do this
on your own.
SPEAKER_00 (13:23):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:24):
Because you don't want what you're walking into or
walking out of.
unknown (13:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:26):
You need somebody who's been through this who can
walk you out of this with them,knowing quite well everything's
gonna be okay.
SPEAKER_00 (13:33):
Right.
And then once you leave, youknow, it it's it's not like it's
over.
You know, there's a lot ofrecovery, and some of those
things are still stuck on you,those abusive things, those
name-calling, the uh poorself-esteem, or those habitual
things, or the lack ofboundaries, whatever it is, you
have to go to therapy, you haveto have support from other
(13:56):
people to have those things kindof removed or uh be lifted from
you, and it takes time, it takesa lot of time.
And so when you leave, sometimesyou're not just leaving that one
person, you're leaving a wholeentire situation and life and
environment, and that's scary.
The unknown can be scary whenyou don't know what to expect
(14:19):
because you've experienced thehorrors of this relationship.
Now you're like, well, what isthis person gonna do?
What is that person gonna do?
Um, but you kind of have to moveforward with that every day and
learn how to trust yourself morethan you trust other people.
And that was something I had tolearn to trust myself more than
(14:42):
other people at first because Ididn't know who to trust.
I trust the wrong people andthen get up in those
relationships again.
So until I learned to trustmyself, I didn't know who else
to trust.
I that whole thing was I wasblinded from that.
SPEAKER_01 (15:00):
Definitely.
We get into patterns as humanbeings, yeah.
And it's very hard to break thepatterns, and that's again the
basal gang.
Repetition strengthen confirmsof any situation that we are in.
I mean, we're in one everysingle day we get up, we put a
man shower, then coffee, orcoffee, then shower.
We have a routine every morningthat we don't know we do.
So when you're trying to breakout of a pattern, it's very hard
(15:22):
when you don't know the pattern.
Now, an easy pattern forexplanation purposes is if
you've ever been on a bus andyou've gone to the seaside or
something, bunch of guys, youknow, get off a few beers,
everything's great.
Time to come home, get back onthe bus, which seat you sit in.
Usually the one you travel therein.
See, that's a pattern you don'tknow, but you do.
So we go back to relationshipsand hurt and all that stuff we
(15:45):
go through, we go in the samepattern.
Most people without help intraumatic situations, wives
suffer from PTSD inrelationships, go back to that
or won't leave because of thefear.
And and fear isn't real.
People think it is, but it'snot.
It's like if you ever go for aninterview or stand on a stage,
(16:05):
it's fearful, it's fearful, it'sfearful.
You get in the interview, theguy talks, the fear's gone.
You go on stage, you open yourmouth, the face gone.
So it's not real, it's apreconception of uh not knowing.
That's it.
SPEAKER_00 (16:16):
You about the board how you'd have known, you'd have
to just call it fear becausethat's what we're doing.
SPEAKER_01 (16:22):
Because we expect things to repeat, you know.
I didn't get that job, so I'llget this job.
If you only knew, guys, howpowerful the mind was, you've
you've got to watch the internaldialogue.
So a behavioral or a word fromoutside you can come in.
900 people, you're amazing.
One person, you're terrible,you'll never do that.
Usually one friend or familymember, by the way, guys.
(16:44):
Don't be silly, you can't dothat.
No, I'm just joking that thatguy needs to go because what
that does going back to the handon the stove from mom, we still
believe after all these years,one percent of the brain still
believes what people tell us isthe truth.
So, because of the traumaticexperience we've been through,
we take that one that sits inthe subconscious brain, and
(17:05):
that's the we concentrate onthat one all the time.
Yeah, you have to realize how wegot the subconscious mind and
the conscious mind, guys.
Okay, the subconscious, inlayman's terms, wants to kill
you and make it look like anaccident.
The conscious mind is the now,because that's all we have.
(17:25):
So get this, guys.
When you wake up in the morning,the subconscious mind wakes you
up, and the reason it wakes youup is because of lack of oxygen.
So the presence of oxygen equalsa lack of disease, it's also the
lack of the conscious mind.
So on a normal circadian sleeppattern between two and five,
our body is at its lowest, it'sthat is vulnerable right there
(17:46):
because it's hardly any oxygen.
It's also the time when mostpeople die of natural causes.
So when we wake up, there's nota lot of oxygen.
So we have to do the 20exaggerated breaths in and out
first thing before we doanything.
What happens is that dies, andthe conscious brain kicks in.
This guy here can do anything hewants to do that day.
He can earn a million dollars,it could be the best dad, he
(18:08):
could get that job, whatever itis here.
But every 24 hours, three partsof the brain reset itself.
So have a guess who's gonna wakeyou up tomorrow.
It's this guy, and that's wherethe 24 hours is not an AA thing,
they adopted it.
The 24 hours is that the brainresets, 24 hour period that you
have to start again.
So rather than jumping back toold path, we've got to jump into
(18:32):
new.
So 300 neural pathways die everyday in the head.
There are billions.
Neural pathways for layman isthe thought pans.
So 300 neural pathways die everysingle day.
The question is, what are youreplacing them with?
Are you replacing them with thepast?
What people said?
Are we are we replacing with theguys we're hanging around, the
(18:53):
positive stuff?
Because if you hang around ninedepressed people, you will
become the 10th.
If your friends are here anddon't want you to succeed, and
you want to pull away from thatcesspit, you've got to start
look hanging around otherpeople.
They're always lifting you up,always complimenting you.
When you say something like I'mthinking around a book, they
don't go, oh, I don't know aboutit.
They go, Oh my god, I thoughtyou'd already wrote them.
(19:14):
That's what happened to me.
I thought you only got books outthere, Dr.
Well.
What you need to so I wrote abook, but for 12 years in
Dallas, when I was in my friendsare going, Don't be silly,
you're not an author.
Why would you do that?
Moved here four years ago,completely different.
I wrote a book.
So you've got to stop listeningto the naysayers, and it's
(19:34):
really hard, Miss Guys, if withsomebody who knows what they're
doing, it's easy.
You've got to stop listening tothem with your internal dialogue
because we repeat what peoplesay to us.
SPEAKER_00 (19:43):
Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_01 (19:43):
Every friend has a stupid saying, Shut up was one
of mine.
I hated it.
I hated her for doing it.
Stop doing it within two weeksof excess.
Shut up.
Oh my.
So we repeat every part of thebrain.
We repeat.
So do we want to take themnegativity that becomes
internal.
Dialogue, which becomes anworking part of the brain, which
becomes action.
(20:05):
Or do we want to go to go to theguys that's this place that I
want to get to?
Again, millionaire, best dad,best husband, whatever it is.
Do we want to get there?
Because when you sat in thiscomfort zone here with the guys
that don't really like you andcare for you, you'd know it this
guy.
If there is something wrong withyou, especially addiction, you
go in the hospital, you seethese guys here.
(20:25):
How many how many people visitedyou?
None.
None.
I can tell you.
So you need to you need to pullaway from that cess bit, and
they're gonna try and drag youback again with little comments.
Who does he think he is?
A doctor or I've seen his house.
I remember when he lived on theprojects with us.
Guys, I can go back and helpyou, but you know something?
I'm not gonna freaking livethere with you.
(20:46):
That's not happening.
Right.
Oh, we're on a roll now, Alexis.
SPEAKER_00 (20:51):
We're we're plowing through.
I grew up in a house full ofdiscouragement.
It was weird.
It was grandiose and it wasdiscouraging at the same time.
So it was very confusing.
And uh, you know, so my mom, shewould, you know, build our
family up.
Oh, we're so great.
We're we were all musicians, weall had some kind of talent or
smarts, we were all pretty nerdypeople, and uh, you know, um,
(21:14):
but my mother and my dad kind ofhad this grandiose idea of our
family, but at the same time,they could not stop criticizing
each other.
And I just, I mean, of course, Igot all I started doing it too,
because that's just what you doto everybody.
That's how you, that was yournormal, that was how we just
kind of went through theday-to-day.
(21:35):
And uh, so yeah, that kind ofset me up for other people
telling me the same things.
Uh, you have a raspy voice, oryou shouldn't do this, or you're
not good enough to do this, oryou're a female.
You should be doing this, andthat's you know, whatever.
Um, you know, so it took me awhile to realize that those
people are just sad, brokenpeople and they need help.
(21:58):
And that's not how everybodythinks of you.
That is not not everyone thinksthat uh my voice is raspy.
Not everyone thinks that uhthere's something wrong with me
because I'm a female.
In fact, most people think I'mpretty cool.
I found out, but I didn't knowthat until I got a right away
from those people.
(22:19):
Um placing yourself in newenvironments is very important.
Like you said, when you take outthose, when you wake up with
those new cells and everythinglike that, what are you gonna do
with them?
What are you going, what kind ofpeople are you gonna hang around
with?
Um, are you just hanging aroundthis person because they're not
your ex or they're not so andso?
(22:41):
It's what kind of person arethey?
And how do they actually makeyou feel?
Do they discourage you the sameway?
As are you putting up with itbecause you just think that
that's how people are?
That's not how people should beif that's how they are.
Nobody should be constantlydiscouraging you uh from doing
things while also trying to takefrom you at the same time.
(23:01):
That's just silly.
SPEAKER_01 (23:03):
There's two kinds of people in this world the people
that love you for who you are,and the people that want to be
you.
And believe me enough, this istrue.
Because you will never, this iswhat I found with my 63 years
experience on this earth.
You will never find somebodywho's doing as good as you or
better ever criticize you, nevermake a negative comment.
(23:24):
Never, okay.
It's the wannabe guys.
It took me a long time torealize that they wanna be me
because that's a bold statement,and who the hell do you think I
am?
But I you have to you work onthat and realize that they do,
otherwise, why would theycomment?
So that internal dialogue mustbe strong, very strong, you
know, and stop hanging aroundthem guys, man.
(23:45):
You know, show your friends orshow you future.
I think sometimes it's hard, youknow.
You have to step away or youknow, talk about your even a
family member.
There's always one person,family member or immediate
circle with three, four peoplethat wants to fail.
Try and find out who that is.
Look around and see who isn'tapplauding when you win
something.
SPEAKER_00 (24:05):
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
I don't get that so many timesin my life.
I can't tell you that peoplehave criticized me while also,
you know, behind my backcomplaining that they didn't get
what I had.
And I yeah, it's it is crazy.
So I have a question for you.
(24:26):
I know that you experienced someestrangement while you were
going through everything youwere going through.
Um, I know that last time wetalked, you kind of touched uh a
little bit about uh you had someestrangement from your your
family, your children, and butthat you're reconnected now.
Do you yeah, can you just tellme a little bit about that?
(24:49):
Because I I really want everyoneto hear this story because um,
and I I didn't ask him to shareit with me yet.
I wanted to wait until the showuh just to kind of you know keep
it real with y'all.
But um, he's gonna tell us astory about how he sort of
reconnected with his childrenafter he uh sort of recovered.
And so why don't you go aheadand take it away?
SPEAKER_01 (25:09):
So many years ago, my children were taken off me
when me and my wife split up.
I she left with the kids.
I'd stabbed her three times onenight because she won't let me
finish my bottle of vodka.
That's how crazy I was.
So when she left with the kids,my attorney got them back the
next day.
Um, for two days I was in astupor, they weren't fed, they
weren't changed diapers.
Uh the police kicked the doordown.
(25:31):
And the last thing my eldest,who was three years old, said to
me was, Daddy, daddy, pleasedon't go.
And then walking down thepathway, holding mommy's hand,
she turned around again.
He said, Daddy, daddy, pleaseget better.
And as they got to the gate, momopened the gate, and my little
daughter turned around one moretime.
She said, Daddy, daddy, pleasestop drinking.
And I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it.
(25:52):
So 28, 27, 30 years, I don'tknow how how long.
I guess I met, I guess I met uhI message on messenger.
It's the middle of the night.
I'm squinting at this message,and it's Charlie, my daughter.
And he said, Dad, you know, I'veseen you on TV.
I don't believe what the liesthat was told to me.
I want to see you, I've gotsomething to tell you.
(26:13):
I want my wife, but I'm crying.
She called me dad, Alexis.
She called me dad.
And um, we was on we were on aplane within like two hours.
We have people around us thatdoes things for us, so we're on
a plane because the next morningI'm waiting outside the door,
(26:33):
I've not knocked on the dooryet.
All the memories and stuff'sgoing through my mind, what a
piece of crap! What sort offather are you?
What you doing here?
Blah blah blah.
And she opened the door withoutus knocking, and we hugged each
other and we cried.
And uh, all them, all them 30years of estrangement, working
with people, I always knew oneday that this would happen, but
(26:58):
anyway, we hugged.
She grabbed me by my hand, shewalked me into a living room,
and she handed me mythree-month-old granddaughter.
It was right there, and then Iknew it was doing the right
thing, you know, and he wasbecause that's helped save
millions of lives.
Um, and you know, we go overthere two or three times a year,
we speak every day.
She's now my lead therapist inmy Manchester office.
(27:20):
We have five offices around theworld.
Um, so that was amazing.
And then six weeks ago, myyoungest daughter contacts me on
Messenger, and we'll talk everyday, and I'm going over to see
her, and they're gonna come overhere.
So just the moral of that storyis no matter how far down the
scale you've gone, no matterwhat you've done in life, um,
(27:43):
especially uh through addiction,everything can be repaired.
You can fully recover from thatthat you're going through, and
everything will be returned toyou.
I mean, it just does.
SPEAKER_00 (27:55):
You are listening to When the Bow Breaks Podcast.
To support the show, visitbuymeacopy.com slash WTBB pod.
Back to the show.
SPEAKER_01 (28:06):
I've heard it 9,000 times with patients of my own,
never mind the millions andmillions of testimonies I've
heard around the world.
So it goes for everybody, man.
You know, if you're sat in aone-bedroom, broken up
apartment, usually the guy, wifeslave, took the children, you've
got no job, you've got no money,uh, I want to categorically tell
you that you're going through itfor a reason, and this is not
(28:28):
your lot.
I'm telling you now, it's notyour lot.
SPEAKER_00 (28:32):
Thank you for sharing that.
And I I mean, I can say, as anestranged adult child myself,
when you were saying how yourdaughter was basically begging
you to get help and begging youto get better, that's all they
wanted for you was for you to behealthy and happy and just to be
their dad.
And they they weren't expectingyou to be some amazing person,
(28:54):
they weren't expecting you to bewho you are now, even probably.
They just, you know, wanted youto be healthy and happy and and
be their dad.
And that's all I wanted for myparents too.
And I just I want everyone who'slistening, like, yeah, you can
always heal.
There are there is hope, thereis, there are all kinds of
support avenues now, not likethere used to be these topics.
(29:17):
They're not as taboo as theyused to be.
Um, you know, there's a lot ofloving support out there that
can help you prepare therelationships with your family.
Um, especially.
SPEAKER_01 (29:29):
Just to reiterate on that, Alexa, I'm so it was
amazing.
When me and my daughter got backin contact with her, I always
make sure uh I was verymaterialistic.
We lived in the rightneighborhood, we bought Mercedes
every year.
You know, we had the we had thewatches, we I mean everybody
thought this life was amazing.
And I and I used to drop her offat school and know quite well
(29:49):
that I had the biggest and thebest Mercedes dropping my
daughter off.
And when we got talking in herhouse that day, and I said, I
did my best, you know, all theMercedes and stuff, and she said
what you just said.
I said, Dad, I don't rememberthe Mercedes.
I don't, I don't remember.
What I remember, Dad, is you'renot being there because you were
drunk somewhere or you wereworking late or you know, and I
(30:12):
realized that the only peoplethat's gonna miss you are your
children, not the boss, not yourboss or anything like that.
He don't care if you if you dieor live, he said.
Yeah, if I die tonight, um, youknow, and I had a boss within a
week, he's advertising my job.
Within two weeks, there's a newemployer starting doing the job.
No one's rob who I don't oh thatguy.
(30:33):
Nobody cares.
The only thing that cares inlife and matters is family.
We have a rule at this company,and the rule is children first.
I don't care what happens withyour children, she's sick or
that you do not come in work, wefully pay you, we'll get Ubers
at whatever you want, wesupport, because you've only got
you've only got this time, youcan't buy time back, man.
(30:56):
Yeah, quickly, and people thinkthey have time, and you don't.
So mom's when you one minute I'mwaving off to kindergarten, next
minute I'm waving to college.
Where does that time go?
So if you're putting somethingoff, like starting a business or
having children, I want to tellyou guys, you're never ready,
okay?
So stop putting it until you'reready.
(31:17):
Never gonna be ready.
So do it today.
SPEAKER_00 (31:20):
And just backing up a little bit, we're almost out
of time, but backing up a littlebit to what you said in the
beginning of the episode waschildhood trauma is the gateway
drug.
That is so true.
That is so true.
And so I just wanted to say, youknow, for all of you parents out
there, be good to your kids.
And your kids, they don't expectyou to be amazing, they just
(31:40):
want you to be healthy, happy,well-rounded, and to be there
for them.
That's it.
SPEAKER_01 (31:46):
If you look at the biggest picture, here's a
statement that really annoyssome people.
But look at it in general.
As a child, anything less thannurturing is child abuse.
Think let that sit there, guys.
Don't just go, well, this bitstrong.
Sit there with that.
We nurture when we can.
We go to work, two parents needto work these days to afford a
mortgage and a car.
(32:06):
We know that.
But I was sent to the zoo towatch the chimpanzees of the
monkey.
And and what I found was thenurturing.
So when you can spend time withyour kids, nurture them
children, never shout them athow many times, Billy, you can't
write on that wall.
It doesn't work, guys, likethat.
It's yeah, I tell you what, I'mgonna buy a big piece of paper
and I wait to draw becausethat's beautiful drawing.
(32:27):
I want you to draw on thispiece, and then repair the wall
and get on with it because it'sthat stuff that sticks.
A stupid little comment, a sillylittle comment that you make
half jokingly can scar thatchild for life.
SPEAKER_00 (32:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (32:42):
Because I've seen and I work with them people.
SPEAKER_00 (32:45):
Yeah.
This is good stuff, guys.
Um I want to thank you so muchfor coming on the show.
I have to say, I booked you onmy birthday.
It was such a great gift formyself.
Oh, wow.
Um, and so I'm really glad thatyou're here.
And thank you for all this goodstuff.
Thank you for sharing your ownpersonal story uh of
reconnection with your children.
(33:05):
That is so beautiful.
And just, I mean, and tenfoldtoo, just holding your your
baby, your new grandbaby in yourarms.
And that's just that's amazing.
Um, everyone, thank you forlistening to When the Bow Breaks
podcast.
Before we go, real quick, canyou tell everyone how to get
connected with you or how theycan contact you and your
services if they're interested?
SPEAKER_01 (33:26):
All social medias, and if you if you're listening,
not watching, I spell my nameinto Bs, R O B B K-E-L-O-Y.com.
Come message us, talk to us, youknow, whatever.
Like I said, we can be ofservice via messenger.
I've got a bunch of girls herethat work with people free of
charge.
So if you're going throughsomething or your son and
daughter is contact us, we canhelp get you through.
We'll never charge you up adime.
SPEAKER_00 (33:46):
Awesome.
Well, thank you so much forcoming on the show again.
This is Alexis Erlin, and youare listening to and watching
When the Fow Breaks podcast.
This is Alexis Erlin, and you are listening to
and watching When the Bow BreaksPodcast.
We are here today with Dr.
Rob Kelly.
If you don't know who he is,just Google him.
He's everywhere.
He's all over the place.
He's very accomplished.
He's done a lot of work himselfin his own personal life.
And uh he devotes himself andhis time to helping others.
(00:38):
Dr.
Rob Kelly, thank you so much forbeing on the show today.
We're really excited to have youhere.
SPEAKER_01 (00:43):
Thank you.
Great to be here, guys.
SPEAKER_00 (00:46):
Well, can you tell everyone a little bit about what
you do?
Just a little bit.
If they're not familiar, if theyhaven't Googled yet, tell us a
little bit about who you are andwhat you do.
SPEAKER_01 (00:55):
Hey guys, my name is Dr.
Rob Kelly.
We specialize in neurosciencepertaining to childhood trauma,
depression, PTSD, alcoholism,drug addiction, and just
wellness as a whole.
We also deal with entrepreneurswho want to take their business
to another level.
So we use the neuroscience andmindset.
We're very big on the consciousand subconscious parts of the
(01:19):
brain.
And we're very big on what thebrain and the mind, mind sits
inside the brain, mind overmatter, the brain's matter of
how we can program the mind tohave anything we want and have a
such a great day every singleday and achieve whatever we want
to achieve every single time.
So we wrote the code.
SPEAKER_00 (01:38):
Right.
I really like what you saidabout changing your mindset
because that's basically whatyou do when you are recovering
from abuse.
You have to change your mindset,and that's when the healing
starts.
So I want to talk about that.
What made you want to come onthis show?
I know um I just had an emailkind of pop up in my inbox and
(02:02):
uh from Courtney, I think, andshe was saying, um, wow, this is
actually really cool.
I want to get you guysconnected.
Uh, what is your fascinationabout this show?
One of the Bow Breaks podcasts.
SPEAKER_01 (02:15):
Well, what happens is we're a multi-million dollar
company, and Courtney's my mediadirector.
So what she does is she goesaround and she seeks out
podcasts that she thinks I'll beamazing, but and here's the but
the host has to be amazing.
Because I get hundreds of offersa week um to go on people's
(02:37):
podcasts, and you know, you'llnever see me promote anything in
here, guys.
I'm not for that.
I just think uh Alexis andmyself can bring some some
greatness into your life.
So she calls she calls me out,emails me, and on this occasion,
you're one of three this yearwhere she comes down and goes,
You've got to meet this girl.
And I don't argue with itanymore.
Usually go, who is she?
(02:58):
So it doesn't make a differencewe've got one follower or
billion follows.
Um, it's that she saw somethingin you that she knows I will
like, and that's the reasonwe're here.
SPEAKER_00 (03:08):
Oh, I see.
Well, for those of you who arelistening for the first time,
When the Bow Breaks podcast is apodcast that focuses on family
estrangement, and we also talkabout the events that kind of
lead up to that.
And uh, one of those things isuh drug abuse.
And um, can you talk a littlebit about how I don't know how
(03:33):
to present this question becauseI feel like it's so big.
Um in dealing with estrangementand drug abuse, can you talk
about what that's likepersonally?
SPEAKER_01 (03:48):
Well, you know, I'm fully recovered today.
I don't I don't put tags onmyself today.
Sure.
Um just living my dream.
But going back, you know, backto childhood trauma, which is
the gateway drug, by the way,uh, and and the the estrangement
not only from families andfriends, but my alcohol, because
alcohol was my was my deal.
(04:09):
It wasn't someone's drugs.
I like drugs, you know,alcoholics are born, drug
addicts are made.
Yeah, before you start throwingthings at the computer, guys,
I'll I'll explain that later.
But yeah, I mean, I was I I losteverything.
I lost my wife, my children, 80sone and three, my houses, my
cars.
Um, I moved out to my mom's anddad's, I stayed there for a
(04:30):
week.
They threw me out, and and Iended up homeless on the streets
of Manchester, England, whereit's very cold, very rainy, and
only 3% of people get off thestreets where I was, and 97% of
people die on the streets.
So after seven attempts ofsuicide, on two occasions it
worked, and I was dead on thestreet, and they brought me back
(04:52):
to life uh on two occasions, andI hated them, man.
I hated them then for that,Alexis, because I didn't
actually go to hell when I wason the streets, but I could sure
see it from where I was.
I didn't want to live, uh, Iwanted to kill myself.
I tried various ways, jumpingoff buildings, stuff like that.
Um, and it never seems to work.
(05:12):
So, what intrigued me aboutaddiction as a whole, and
everyone has an addiction, andit could be watching too much TV
or you know, dangerous ones, buteveryone has an addiction.
I want you to understand that,guys, before we start this
journey.
And I've got 35 years experiencewith 9,000 patients and millions
(05:33):
of people that I see regularly.
So, and we studied neuroscienceor kind of neuroscientists.
It's like I was sick of peoplegoing, well, you're an
alcoholic, so just go to AA orgo, you know, go and see the
doctor.
I went to see the doctor and hehe told me he's an alcoholic.
Well, here's the deal alcoholismis the only self-diagnosed
(05:54):
illness in the world.
10 D WIs do not make me analcoholic.
A warning from the doctordoesn't make me an alcoholic.
Three parts of my brain differto every other uh non-alcoholic
and addict out there.
So the normal person doesn'thave the difference in my head,
especially the hypothalamus,which we'll get into.
So, you know, I'm on thisjourney from the moment I got
(06:16):
off the streets, huge spiritualawakening, uh, to help the guys
that are suffering fromanything, mental health
pertaining to, and the families.
Because what we found is when wegot the families involved, and I
don't mean you see them intreatment centers and they go
once a month, and the the youknow, the wife will tell the
husband off, and you did this,and you'd made me feel like
(06:36):
that.
It's nothing like that.
That the the the uh spouse hasto do work on themselves, and
and we do work with with theguide of suffering.
Um, that when we do that, thesuccess rate of uh the patient
goes up by 42% alone.
That's why we have a 97% successrate, and we're the only company
(06:57):
in the world that will refundyour money if you relapse while
still following our program.
Nobody else can say that.
Yeah, nobody else can say that.
Nobody else dare say that, butwe do.
SPEAKER_00 (07:09):
That sounds like a pretty sweet deal, especially
for families who have that oneperson who has had to go so many
times.
Because, you know, it it'salmost it's very similar to, I
mean, it's an abusiverelationship essentially.
And the average uh uh personwho's in an abusive
(07:30):
relationship, it takes them atleast seven times to an average
of seven times before they canleave that relationship or break
that trauma bond.
And so it's the same with drugsand alcohol.
It can take so many times, somany tries for it to stick and
for it to work.
That to me is a safety net thatwould make it easier for me to
(07:53):
want to participate in a programlike that.
And uh, I'm glad you mentionedthat um for all of you
listening.
Sounds like a pretty sweet deal.
SPEAKER_01 (08:02):
Um we've been working on this a long time, but
you know, when we when we lookat I have two PhDs, behavioral
science and psychology.
Um, when you look at humanbehavior as a whole, females,
not so much males, females stayin relationships way too long,
especially when there isdysfunctional relationship.
So we go back to childhood, andthis this is what happens, guys.
(08:25):
Let's say I a baby's born,female baby, and uh it's a
toddler, and you know, the hotstove, and mom says, Don't put
your hand on the stove, but wealways do and it burns.
The fundamental lesson rightthere to the child is whatever
mom tells me is the truth.
So, however it is, I'm gonnastick with that.
If that if the house isdysfunctioning and there's
(08:46):
alcoholism and abuse and stufflike that, that becomes normal
life to me or the girl as achild.
So when I leave thatrelationship with mom and dad,
who was always fighting everynight, dad comes home, starts a
fist fight, that becomes thenorm for me.
That becomes a comfort zonewhere I can step away and hide
while this is going on.
(09:06):
So the girl leaves the house,finally goes to college, or
finds a boyfriend, she willattract the same guy as uh dad
was, and will stand for the sameabuse that a dad used to do to
the extreme that if they find agood guy, they will
self-sabotage the relationship.
(09:27):
So just to emphasize that, backin the late 60s in England,
there was a girl, 16 years old.
She got snatched off the side ofthe street.
People saw it, but they couldn'tfind the guys.
There was a manhunt for like twomonths.
All across the UK, couldn't findhim.
Nine months later, a police caris following another car down a
country road.
He had a broken signal line,broken backlight.
(09:50):
So he pulled him over.
Now, this is a 60s, remember?
Uh, and the way you used to findout if it was your car, they
used to go, hey, what's in thetrunk?
Open yellow jacket pair ofboots, open up yellow jacket
pair of it's your car.
Off you go.
They found a stolen screwdriverin this guy's house.
Now they're allowed to go backto their house and search.
And sure enough, lawn mowers,drills, everything it stole from
(10:13):
this hardware store, thousandsof dollars worth of stuff.
The police officer or one ofthose found a box in the corner.
It was about four foot high byabout 12 foot wide.
They smashed the lock off andthey were pointing at the guy
saying, We know you've got morestolen stuff in there.
And there was the girl that wentmissing nine months ago.
SPEAKER_00 (10:33):
Wow.
SPEAKER_01 (10:33):
So she was bruised and battered, but she was alive.
You check her out every day,abuse her, bath, food, restroom,
back in the box for nine months.
Okay.
When the policewoman stepped,leaned over the box, she took
this girl's hand and she helpedthe girl step out of the box.
She took a police coat off andshe wrapped it around this poor
girl.
(10:54):
What's the first thing she did?
She got back in the box.
And that's what we do torelationships and life and work
and stuff.
We just stay in that comfortzone, man, as painful as it is,
because our programming and andspecifically the basal ganglia,
the basal ganglia becomes inthat routine that this is the
(11:14):
norm, and I can stay safe, eventhough they're being hurt on a
daily basis.
And what happens with light iswe stay there and we don't come
out baby.
And how many times have youheard guys say this with my
patients anyway?
The guy will say to them, Noone's gonna have you with three
kids.
Who do you think's gonna haveyou?
What a bunch of crap.
(11:35):
Yeah, that's a guy there.
That's not a real man, okay?
I can't stand it.
That's a weak man saying what hecan out of jealousy and fear.
He wants to shut up and move outif he wants to move out.
Because anybody's capable ofanything.
You need you can't sit in thatcomfort zone, guys.
Yeah, you really can't.
You will die in that comfortzone.
SPEAKER_00 (11:57):
If you'd like to be a guest, send us an email.
wtvvpodcast at gmail.com.
Back to the show.
I just uh recorded an episodethe other day where um I was
just kind of talking tosurvivors who are in that
situation.
Leaving doesn't sound like fun,it sounds very scary.
(12:21):
And but not as scary as it doesfor you to stay.
To me, what will happen to youis much scarier if you stay.
And I thank God for people likeI don't want to say thank God
because I'm an atheist, but youknow what I mean.
The same, thankful for peoplewho recognize that I was in an
(12:44):
abusive situation when I didn'trecognize that I was in an
abusive relationship.
I needed someone like that copto put a coat around me and show
me some compassion and show methat things don't have to be
like that, that I don't have toget back in that box.
So I really am happy that you'rehere and doing the work that
you're doing.
And I feel like I want to do thesame thing.
(13:07):
Tell people, you do not have toget back in that box.
It's not made for you.
You may be comfortable with it,but it's not made for you.
SPEAKER_01 (13:16):
It's not made for you.
Oh my God, I love that.
Absolutely.
You know, it's not, but unless,like you said, you can't do this
on your own.
SPEAKER_00 (13:23):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:24):
Because you don't want what you're walking into or
walking out of.
unknown (13:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:26):
You need somebody who's been through this who can
walk you out of this with them,knowing quite well everything's
gonna be okay.
SPEAKER_00 (13:33):
Right.
And then once you leave, youknow, it it's it's not like it's
over.
You know, there's a lot ofrecovery, and some of those
things are still stuck on you,those abusive things, those
name-calling, the uh poorself-esteem, or those habitual
things, or the lack ofboundaries, whatever it is, you
have to go to therapy, you haveto have support from other
(13:56):
people to have those things kindof removed or uh be lifted from
you, and it takes time, it takesa lot of time.
And so when you leave, sometimesyou're not just leaving that one
person, you're leaving a wholeentire situation and life and
environment, and that's scary.
The unknown can be scary whenyou don't know what to expect
(14:19):
because you've experienced thehorrors of this relationship.
Now you're like, well, what isthis person gonna do?
What is that person gonna do?
Um, but you kind of have to moveforward with that every day and
learn how to trust yourself morethan you trust other people.
And that was something I had tolearn to trust myself more than
(14:42):
other people at first because Ididn't know who to trust.
I trust the wrong people andthen get up in those
relationships again.
So until I learned to trustmyself, I didn't know who else
to trust.
I that whole thing was I wasblinded from that.
SPEAKER_01 (15:00):
Definitely.
We get into patterns as humanbeings, yeah.
And it's very hard to break thepatterns, and that's again the
basal gang.
Repetition strengthen confirmsof any situation that we are in.
I mean, we're in one everysingle day we get up, we put a
man shower, then coffee, orcoffee, then shower.
We have a routine every morningthat we don't know we do.
So when you're trying to breakout of a pattern, it's very hard
(15:22):
when you don't know the pattern.
Now, an easy pattern forexplanation purposes is if
you've ever been on a bus andyou've gone to the seaside or
something, bunch of guys, youknow, get off a few beers,
everything's great.
Time to come home, get back onthe bus, which seat you sit in.
Usually the one you travel therein.
See, that's a pattern you don'tknow, but you do.
So we go back to relationshipsand hurt and all that stuff we
(15:45):
go through, we go in the samepattern.
Most people without help intraumatic situations, wives
suffer from PTSD inrelationships, go back to that
or won't leave because of thefear.
And and fear isn't real.
People think it is, but it'snot.
It's like if you ever go for aninterview or stand on a stage,
(16:05):
it's fearful, it's fearful, it'sfearful.
You get in the interview, theguy talks, the fear's gone.
You go on stage, you open yourmouth, the face gone.
So it's not real, it's apreconception of uh not knowing.
That's it.
SPEAKER_00 (16:16):
You about the board how you'd have known, you'd have
to just call it fear becausethat's what we're doing.
SPEAKER_01 (16:22):
Because we expect things to repeat, you know.
I didn't get that job, so I'llget this job.
If you only knew, guys, howpowerful the mind was, you've
you've got to watch the internaldialogue.
So a behavioral or a word fromoutside you can come in.
900 people, you're amazing.
One person, you're terrible,you'll never do that.
Usually one friend or familymember, by the way, guys.
(16:44):
Don't be silly, you can't dothat.
No, I'm just joking that thatguy needs to go because what
that does going back to the handon the stove from mom, we still
believe after all these years,one percent of the brain still
believes what people tell us isthe truth.
So, because of the traumaticexperience we've been through,
we take that one that sits inthe subconscious brain, and
(17:05):
that's the we concentrate onthat one all the time.
Yeah, you have to realize how wegot the subconscious mind and
the conscious mind, guys.
Okay, the subconscious, inlayman's terms, wants to kill
you and make it look like anaccident.
The conscious mind is the now,because that's all we have.
(17:25):
So get this, guys.
When you wake up in the morning,the subconscious mind wakes you
up, and the reason it wakes youup is because of lack of oxygen.
So the presence of oxygen equalsa lack of disease, it's also the
lack of the conscious mind.
So on a normal circadian sleeppattern between two and five,
our body is at its lowest, it'sthat is vulnerable right there
(17:46):
because it's hardly any oxygen.
It's also the time when mostpeople die of natural causes.
So when we wake up, there's nota lot of oxygen.
So we have to do the 20exaggerated breaths in and out
first thing before we doanything.
What happens is that dies, andthe conscious brain kicks in.
This guy here can do anything hewants to do that day.
He can earn a million dollars,it could be the best dad, he
(18:08):
could get that job, whatever itis here.
But every 24 hours, three partsof the brain reset itself.
So have a guess who's gonna wakeyou up tomorrow.
It's this guy, and that's wherethe 24 hours is not an AA thing,
they adopted it.
The 24 hours is that the brainresets, 24 hour period that you
have to start again.
So rather than jumping back toold path, we've got to jump into
(18:32):
new.
So 300 neural pathways die everyday in the head.
There are billions.
Neural pathways for layman isthe thought pans.
So 300 neural pathways die everysingle day.
The question is, what are youreplacing them with?
Are you replacing them with thepast?
What people said?
Are we are we replacing with theguys we're hanging around, the
(18:53):
positive stuff?
Because if you hang around ninedepressed people, you will
become the 10th.
If your friends are here anddon't want you to succeed, and
you want to pull away from thatcesspit, you've got to start
look hanging around otherpeople.
They're always lifting you up,always complimenting you.
When you say something like I'mthinking around a book, they
don't go, oh, I don't know aboutit.
They go, Oh my god, I thoughtyou'd already wrote them.
(19:14):
That's what happened to me.
I thought you only got books outthere, Dr.
Well.
What you need to so I wrote abook, but for 12 years in
Dallas, when I was in my friendsare going, Don't be silly,
you're not an author.
Why would you do that?
Moved here four years ago,completely different.
I wrote a book.
So you've got to stop listeningto the naysayers, and it's
(19:34):
really hard, Miss Guys, if withsomebody who knows what they're
doing, it's easy.
You've got to stop listening tothem with your internal dialogue
because we repeat what peoplesay to us.
SPEAKER_00 (19:43):
Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_01 (19:43):
Every friend has a stupid saying, Shut up was one
of mine.
I hated it.
I hated her for doing it.
Stop doing it within two weeksof excess.
Shut up.
Oh my.
So we repeat every part of thebrain.
We repeat.
So do we want to take themnegativity that becomes
internal.
Dialogue, which becomes anworking part of the brain, which
becomes action.
(20:05):
Or do we want to go to go to theguys that's this place that I
want to get to?
Again, millionaire, best dad,best husband, whatever it is.
Do we want to get there?
Because when you sat in thiscomfort zone here with the guys
that don't really like you andcare for you, you'd know it this
guy.
If there is something wrong withyou, especially addiction, you
go in the hospital, you seethese guys here.
(20:25):
How many how many people visitedyou?
None.
None.
I can tell you.
So you need to you need to pullaway from that cess bit, and
they're gonna try and drag youback again with little comments.
Who does he think he is?
A doctor or I've seen his house.
I remember when he lived on theprojects with us.
Guys, I can go back and helpyou, but you know something?
I'm not gonna freaking livethere with you.
(20:46):
That's not happening.
Right.
Oh, we're on a roll now, Alexis.
SPEAKER_00 (20:51):
We're we're plowing through.
I grew up in a house full ofdiscouragement.
It was weird.
It was grandiose and it wasdiscouraging at the same time.
So it was very confusing.
And uh, you know, so my mom, shewould, you know, build our
family up.
Oh, we're so great.
We're we were all musicians, weall had some kind of talent or
smarts, we were all pretty nerdypeople, and uh, you know, um,
(21:14):
but my mother and my dad kind ofhad this grandiose idea of our
family, but at the same time,they could not stop criticizing
each other.
And I just, I mean, of course, Igot all I started doing it too,
because that's just what you doto everybody.
That's how you, that was yournormal, that was how we just
kind of went through theday-to-day.
(21:35):
And uh, so yeah, that kind ofset me up for other people
telling me the same things.
Uh, you have a raspy voice, oryou shouldn't do this, or you're
not good enough to do this, oryou're a female.
You should be doing this, andthat's you know, whatever.
Um, you know, so it took me awhile to realize that those
people are just sad, brokenpeople and they need help.
(21:58):
And that's not how everybodythinks of you.
That is not not everyone thinksthat uh my voice is raspy.
Not everyone thinks that uhthere's something wrong with me
because I'm a female.
In fact, most people think I'mpretty cool.
I found out, but I didn't knowthat until I got a right away
from those people.
(22:19):
Um placing yourself in newenvironments is very important.
Like you said, when you take outthose, when you wake up with
those new cells and everythinglike that, what are you gonna do
with them?
What are you going, what kind ofpeople are you gonna hang around
with?
Um, are you just hanging aroundthis person because they're not
your ex or they're not so andso?
(22:41):
It's what kind of person arethey?
And how do they actually makeyou feel?
Do they discourage you the sameway?
As are you putting up with itbecause you just think that
that's how people are?
That's not how people should beif that's how they are.
Nobody should be constantlydiscouraging you uh from doing
things while also trying to takefrom you at the same time.
(23:01):
That's just silly.
SPEAKER_01 (23:03):
There's two kinds of people in this world the people
that love you for who you are,and the people that want to be
you.
And believe me enough, this istrue.
Because you will never, this iswhat I found with my 63 years
experience on this earth.
You will never find somebodywho's doing as good as you or
better ever criticize you, nevermake a negative comment.
(23:24):
Never, okay.
It's the wannabe guys.
It took me a long time torealize that they wanna be me
because that's a bold statement,and who the hell do you think I
am?
But I you have to you work onthat and realize that they do,
otherwise, why would theycomment?
So that internal dialogue mustbe strong, very strong, you
know, and stop hanging aroundthem guys, man.
(23:45):
You know, show your friends orshow you future.
I think sometimes it's hard, youknow.
You have to step away or youknow, talk about your even a
family member.
There's always one person,family member or immediate
circle with three, four peoplethat wants to fail.
Try and find out who that is.
Look around and see who isn'tapplauding when you win
something.
SPEAKER_00 (24:05):
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
I don't get that so many timesin my life.
I can't tell you that peoplehave criticized me while also,
you know, behind my backcomplaining that they didn't get
what I had.
And I yeah, it's it is crazy.
So I have a question for you.
(24:26):
I know that you experienced someestrangement while you were
going through everything youwere going through.
Um, I know that last time wetalked, you kind of touched uh a
little bit about uh you had someestrangement from your your
family, your children, and butthat you're reconnected now.
Do you yeah, can you just tellme a little bit about that?
(24:49):
Because I I really want everyoneto hear this story because um,
and I I didn't ask him to shareit with me yet.
I wanted to wait until the showuh just to kind of you know keep
it real with y'all.
But um, he's gonna tell us astory about how he sort of
reconnected with his childrenafter he uh sort of recovered.
And so why don't you go aheadand take it away?
SPEAKER_01 (25:09):
So many years ago, my children were taken off me
when me and my wife split up.
I she left with the kids.
I'd stabbed her three times onenight because she won't let me
finish my bottle of vodka.
That's how crazy I was.
So when she left with the kids,my attorney got them back the
next day.
Um, for two days I was in astupor, they weren't fed, they
weren't changed diapers.
Uh the police kicked the doordown.
(25:31):
And the last thing my eldest,who was three years old, said to
me was, Daddy, daddy, pleasedon't go.
And then walking down thepathway, holding mommy's hand,
she turned around again.
He said, Daddy, daddy, pleaseget better.
And as they got to the gate, momopened the gate, and my little
daughter turned around one moretime.
She said, Daddy, daddy, pleasestop drinking.
And I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it.
(25:52):
So 28, 27, 30 years, I don'tknow how how long.
I guess I met, I guess I met uhI message on messenger.
It's the middle of the night.
I'm squinting at this message,and it's Charlie, my daughter.
And he said, Dad, you know, I'veseen you on TV.
I don't believe what the liesthat was told to me.
I want to see you, I've gotsomething to tell you.
(26:13):
I want my wife, but I'm crying.
She called me dad, Alexis.
She called me dad.
And um, we was on we were on aplane within like two hours.
We have people around us thatdoes things for us, so we're on
a plane because the next morningI'm waiting outside the door,
(26:33):
I've not knocked on the dooryet.
All the memories and stuff'sgoing through my mind, what a
piece of crap! What sort offather are you?
What you doing here?
Blah blah blah.
And she opened the door withoutus knocking, and we hugged each
other and we cried.
And uh, all them, all them 30years of estrangement, working
with people, I always knew oneday that this would happen, but
(26:58):
anyway, we hugged.
She grabbed me by my hand, shewalked me into a living room,
and she handed me mythree-month-old granddaughter.
It was right there, and then Iknew it was doing the right
thing, you know, and he wasbecause that's helped save
millions of lives.
Um, and you know, we go overthere two or three times a year,
we speak every day.
She's now my lead therapist inmy Manchester office.
(27:20):
We have five offices around theworld.
Um, so that was amazing.
And then six weeks ago, myyoungest daughter contacts me on
Messenger, and we'll talk everyday, and I'm going over to see
her, and they're gonna come overhere.
So just the moral of that storyis no matter how far down the
scale you've gone, no matterwhat you've done in life, um,
(27:43):
especially uh through addiction,everything can be repaired.
You can fully recover from thatthat you're going through, and
everything will be returned toyou.
I mean, it just does.
SPEAKER_00 (27:55):
You are listening to When the Bow Breaks Podcast.
To support the show, visitbuymeacopy.com slash WTBB pod.
Back to the show.
SPEAKER_01 (28:06):
I've heard it 9,000 times with patients of my own,
never mind the millions andmillions of testimonies I've
heard around the world.
So it goes for everybody, man.
You know, if you're sat in aone-bedroom, broken up
apartment, usually the guy, wifeslave, took the children, you've
got no job, you've got no money,uh, I want to categorically tell
you that you're going through itfor a reason, and this is not
(28:28):
your lot.
I'm telling you now, it's notyour lot.
SPEAKER_00 (28:32):
Thank you for sharing that.
And I I mean, I can say, as anestranged adult child myself,
when you were saying how yourdaughter was basically begging
you to get help and begging youto get better, that's all they
wanted for you was for you to behealthy and happy and just to be
their dad.
And they they weren't expectingyou to be some amazing person,
(28:54):
they weren't expecting you to bewho you are now, even probably.
They just, you know, wanted youto be healthy and happy and and
be their dad.
And that's all I wanted for myparents too.
And I just I want everyone who'slistening, like, yeah, you can
always heal.
There are there is hope, thereis, there are all kinds of
support avenues now, not likethere used to be these topics.
(29:17):
They're not as taboo as theyused to be.
Um, you know, there's a lot ofloving support out there that
can help you prepare therelationships with your family.
Um, especially.
SPEAKER_01 (29:29):
Just to reiterate on that, Alexa, I'm so it was
amazing.
When me and my daughter got backin contact with her, I always
make sure uh I was verymaterialistic.
We lived in the rightneighborhood, we bought Mercedes
every year.
You know, we had the we had thewatches, we I mean everybody
thought this life was amazing.
And I and I used to drop her offat school and know quite well
(29:49):
that I had the biggest and thebest Mercedes dropping my
daughter off.
And when we got talking in herhouse that day, and I said, I
did my best, you know, all theMercedes and stuff, and she said
what you just said.
I said, Dad, I don't rememberthe Mercedes.
I don't, I don't remember.
What I remember, Dad, is you'renot being there because you were
drunk somewhere or you wereworking late or you know, and I
(30:12):
realized that the only peoplethat's gonna miss you are your
children, not the boss, not yourboss or anything like that.
He don't care if you if you dieor live, he said.
Yeah, if I die tonight, um, youknow, and I had a boss within a
week, he's advertising my job.
Within two weeks, there's a newemployer starting doing the job.
No one's rob who I don't oh thatguy.
(30:33):
Nobody cares.
The only thing that cares inlife and matters is family.
We have a rule at this company,and the rule is children first.
I don't care what happens withyour children, she's sick or
that you do not come in work, wefully pay you, we'll get Ubers
at whatever you want, wesupport, because you've only got
you've only got this time, youcan't buy time back, man.
(30:56):
Yeah, quickly, and people thinkthey have time, and you don't.
So mom's when you one minute I'mwaving off to kindergarten, next
minute I'm waving to college.
Where does that time go?
So if you're putting somethingoff, like starting a business or
having children, I want to tellyou guys, you're never ready,
okay?
So stop putting it until you'reready.
(31:17):
Never gonna be ready.
So do it today.
SPEAKER_00 (31:20):
And just backing up a little bit, we're almost out
of time, but backing up a littlebit to what you said in the
beginning of the episode waschildhood trauma is the gateway
drug.
That is so true.
That is so true.
And so I just wanted to say, youknow, for all of you parents out
there, be good to your kids.
And your kids, they don't expectyou to be amazing, they just
(31:40):
want you to be healthy, happy,well-rounded, and to be there
for them.
That's it.
SPEAKER_01 (31:46):
If you look at the biggest picture, here's a
statement that really annoyssome people.
But look at it in general.
As a child, anything less thannurturing is child abuse.
Think let that sit there, guys.
Don't just go, well, this bitstrong.
Sit there with that.
We nurture when we can.
We go to work, two parents needto work these days to afford a
mortgage and a car.
(32:06):
We know that.
But I was sent to the zoo towatch the chimpanzees of the
monkey.
And and what I found was thenurturing.
So when you can spend time withyour kids, nurture them
children, never shout them athow many times, Billy, you can't
write on that wall.
It doesn't work, guys, likethat.
It's yeah, I tell you what, I'mgonna buy a big piece of paper
and I wait to draw becausethat's beautiful drawing.
(32:27):
I want you to draw on thispiece, and then repair the wall
and get on with it because it'sthat stuff that sticks.
A stupid little comment, a sillylittle comment that you make
half jokingly can scar thatchild for life.
SPEAKER_00 (32:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (32:42):
Because I've seen and I work with them people.
SPEAKER_00 (32:45):
Yeah.
This is good stuff, guys.
Um I want to thank you so muchfor coming on the show.
I have to say, I booked you onmy birthday.
It was such a great gift formyself.
Oh, wow.
Um, and so I'm really glad thatyou're here.
And thank you for all this goodstuff.
Thank you for sharing your ownpersonal story uh of
reconnection with your children.
(33:05):
That is so beautiful.
And just, I mean, and tenfoldtoo, just holding your your
baby, your new grandbaby in yourarms.
And that's just that's amazing.
Um, everyone, thank you forlistening to When the Bow Breaks
podcast.
Before we go, real quick, canyou tell everyone how to get
connected with you or how theycan contact you and your
services if they're interested?
SPEAKER_01 (33:26):
All social medias, and if you if you're listening,
not watching, I spell my nameinto Bs, R O B B K-E-L-O-Y.com.
Come message us, talk to us, youknow, whatever.
Like I said, we can be ofservice via messenger.
I've got a bunch of girls herethat work with people free of
charge.
So if you're going throughsomething or your son and
daughter is contact us, we canhelp get you through.
We'll never charge you up adime.
SPEAKER_00 (33:46):
Awesome.
Well, thank you so much forcoming on the show again.
This is Alexis Erlin, and youare listening to and watching
When the Fow Breaks podcast.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Betrayal Weekly
Betrayal Weekly is back for a new season. Every Thursday, Betrayal Weekly shares first-hand accounts of broken trust, shocking deceptions, and the trail of destruction they leave behind. Hosted by Andrea Gunning, this weekly ongoing series digs into real-life stories of betrayal and the aftermath. From stories of double lives to dark discoveries, these are cautionary tales and accounts of resilience against all odds. From the producers of the critically acclaimed Betrayal series, Betrayal Weekly drops new episodes every Thursday. If you would like to share your story, you can reach out to the Betrayal Team by emailing them at betrayalpod@gmail.com and follow us on Instagram at @betrayalpod and @glasspodcasts. Please join our Substack for additional exclusive content, curated book recommendations, and community discussions. Sign up FREE by clicking this link Beyond Betrayal Substack. Join our community dedicated to truth, resilience, and healing. Your voice matters! Be a part of our Betrayal journey on Substack.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com