December 28, 2025 • 17 mins
Some families don’t just keep secrets—they assign children the responsibility of protecting them. In this episode of our series Healing for the Holidays, Alexis explores the often-unnamed role of the dark secret keeper in narcissistic households: the child who is expected to know what happened, never speak about it, never grieve it, and carry it quietly into adulthood.
Through personal storytelling and trauma-informed insight, this episode examines how coerced silence, forced proximity, and religious justification compound harm—and what it takes to reclaim your voice when silence was once required for survival. This is a survivor-centered episode about truth, boundaries, and putting down what never belonged to you.
Content Warning: This episode discusses family violence, murder, child sexual abuse, religious abuse, and coercive silence. No graphic detail is included, but themes may be distressing. Listener Care: If you need to pause this episode, please do. Your nervous system matters more than finishing a podcast.
Resources:
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.)
• RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline – 800-656-HOPE
In loving memory of Jane.
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Watch
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:05):
Content Warning.
This episode discusses familyviolence, murder, child sexual
abuse, religious abuse, andcoercive silence within
families.
There is no graphic detail, butthe themes may be distressing,
especially for listeners fromnarcissistic or abusive
households.
(00:26):
So if you find yourself becomingoverwhelmed during this episode,
you are encouraged to pause,take a break, come back later.
Your nervous system comes first.
But there are some veryimportant things in this
episode.
Things that took me a lifetimeto label and learn and process.
(00:49):
So I'm gonna help skip a few ofthose steps for you and help
bring some clarity for some ofyou who have experienced these
things in your family.
Okay?
But your nervous system comesfirst.
So this episode is going to bedifficult for me, but it is
(01:15):
shared for the purpose ofeducation, validation, and
healing, not just for myself,but for other people.
So harassment, victim blaming,or justifying violence won't be
tolerated in any comments on mysocial media or messages
connected to this show.
This space is not a debatespace, it's a space for
(01:39):
survivors.
There are families that keepsecrets.
Then there are families thatassign children the job of
keeping them.
In narcissistic households,silence isn't just expected,
it's enforced.
(02:00):
Not to protect the children, butto protect the family's image or
their beliefs or their powerstructure.
Today's episode is about whathappens when a child is made
into a dark secret keeper andhow damaging that role can be
long after the secret itself issupposed to be over.
(02:21):
In healthy families, adultshandle adult realities.
But in narcissistic families,children are often recruited
into the emotional labor thatthey cannot consent to.
One of the least talked aboutroles is the child who is
expected to one, know whathappened, two, never to speak
(02:44):
about it, three, never to grieveabout it, and four to carry it
quietly into adulthood.
The trauma isn't only the eventitself.
It's being forced to hold italone.
For years, decades even.
(03:12):
So I am calling this segment TheSecret.
SPEAKER_00 (03:18):
When I was a child, my mother's brother murdered his
wife while their children werein the house watching cartoons.
My cousins.
SPEAKER_01 (03:55):
When I was told about what happened, I wasn't
really allowed to ask questions.
I was never allowed to attendany funerals or memorials.
I was told explicitly, however,and repeatedly that I was never
to tell a single soul.
(04:16):
And that wasn't a one-timesilencing thing.
It wasn't occasional.
SPEAKER_00 (04:22):
It was rehearsed over and over and over.
SPEAKER_01 (04:33):
So all throughout my childhood, after this happened,
anytime something good was aboutto happen for me, like a first
day at a new school, a poolparty, a week at camp, my mother
would bring up the murder in thecar.
Not to check on me, not tocomfort me or check my feelings,
(04:54):
but to remind me of my role, tocoach my silence.
Even if I wasn't even thinkingabout bringing that up, she had
to remind me not to bring it up.
And so every time I walked intosomething that was supposed to
be fun and joyful andmeaningful, she reminded me of
(05:15):
the weight that I was assignedto carry.
And I had to carry it allthrough my childhood, all
through my special moments, allthrough my milestones and my
struggles, I was assigned thatrole.
It was used to regulate me, mytrauma.
(05:37):
It was used to regulate me fortheir benefit, not to regulate
me in a healthy way.
Part three, uh, forcedproximity, okay?
It didn't stop with the murder.
(06:01):
That wasn't even the bulk of thetrauma, believe it or not.
So my uncle went to prison, hehad turned himself in, and he
would call the house.
He would call my mom multipletimes a day.
And it was always a collect callfrom the Minnesota State
(06:23):
Correctional Facilities.
My mother would always have mepick up the phone and she would
have me wait.
My uncle would say his name.
And it was always a collectcall, so I had to, you know, say
that I accepted the charges.
And then I had to, you know,chit-chat with him until my
(06:45):
mother was ready to take thecall.
So yeah, every day, severaltimes a day, I would get
triggered every time the phonewould ring and I would have to
pick it up and I would have tohear his name.
I would have to say hello.
I would have to be forced tostay on the line and listening
to him until my mother decidedto take the call.
SPEAKER_00 (07:07):
And when she did take the call, they spoke of
this as it was all a part ofGod's plan.
I was never allowed to cry aboutit.
SPEAKER_01 (07:21):
I was never allowed to object.
I was never allowed to speakabout it afterwards.
According to them, my auntdeserved what happened to her.
I heard them make up story afterstory after story about why she
deserved that.
That belief lived in the room,and so did I.
(07:45):
That was awkward.
So, why was this sotraumatizing?
I mean, do I even have to askthat question?
But we're gonna name thisbullshit, okay?
(08:06):
So this is what coercive silencelooks like.
This is why people stay inabusive relationships for so
long.
Because they're groomed over andover and over to be secret
keepers.
It was a little bit easier forthem to do that to me because I
was just a kid.
I already knew that they werecapable of hitting me if I, you
(08:27):
know, quote unquote disobeyedthem.
I didn't know what they weregonna do if I exposed this.
I was scared to death.
Scared to death.
I was scared to death that myuncle would serve his time and
come out and appropriatelypunish me for speaking about it.
I had nightmares of that everynight and I wasn't allowed to
(08:53):
talk about it.
Uh, they forced me toparticipate in their bullshit.
Um, when children are made tohold adult violence or be
exposed repeatedly or pretendnothing is wrong and remain
loyal to a narrative that harmsthem, the result is chronic
hypervigilance.
(09:14):
Remember, I said I was freakedout every time the phone rang?
Yeah, there's a murderer on theother end.
Holy shit, dude.
Okay.
You also get moral injury.
You don't, you're, you're,you're thinking of what you
think is right and wrong isbeing constantly distorted every
fucking day by these people.
(09:35):
So you're deeply confused and aningrained fear of speaking, even
decades later.
That's why I'm a little nervousmaking this episode because I
made promises to my mother as asmall child never to speak about
this.
So my nervous system is reallyfreaking out right now.
(09:55):
Okay, while I'm talking aboutthis, I want you all to know
this is hard for you to listento.
This is hard for me to talkabout.
Um, but I've needed to talkabout this for a very long time.
This is part of what heals youas a person.
Now, the next time I share thisstory, it's gonna be easier for
me.
But this is honestly the firsttime I'm sharing this really
(10:17):
like much.
I've mentioned it, but I'venever disclosed this whole
thing.
So I appreciate you guyslistening.
So here's the next part (10:31):
the layer that broke everything
open.
Okay.
So years after this, I had todeal with this like day after
day after day after day.
I was schooled on how my unclewas innocent.
My mom took it a notch further.
She integrated our religion intowhat he did and would try to
(10:52):
take the Bible and justify whathe did.
And it even got to the pointwhere the people who who ended
up taking custody of my cousins,my mother was was instructing us
to pray against the family thatwas caring for my cousins.
SPEAKER_00 (11:10):
I was instructed to hate the people that took care
of my cousins.
And people want to know why I'ma stage.
SPEAKER_01 (11:23):
Okay, keep listening, folks.
I gotta laugh about this becauseI can't cry no more.
Years later, when I finally justI had it with all this bullshit,
I left home at 17, guys.
I was 17 years old.
Okay.
I I moved out and I lived, Idecided to, you know, stay with
(11:43):
my sister for a stint.
I did not know my sister was anovert malignant narcissist at
the time.
So at the time she was just myolder, annoying sister who was
always bullying me, but sheaccepted me into her home.
So I went and stayed with her.
And during this time, okay, mysister's 14 years older than me
(12:04):
for reference.
So she'd been out of the housequite some time before I had.
Uh, she was still my very bigolder, sophisticated sister.
Um, but so I was 17.
My sister, well, this when mysister disclosed this to me, I
was probably like, I wasprobably 18.
She didn't disclose any of thisto me when I was a kid.
(12:27):
Uh, but anyway, so I'm I'm Ileft my home at 17 to live with
my sister, turned 18 shortlyafter that.
During this time, my sisterdisclosed to me that this same
uncle had molested her yearsearlier when she was three years
(12:48):
old.
I want to be very careful when Italk about this because this is
my sister's story.
My sister was a child when thishappened, so I'm not gonna get
into the details of this.
But what she told me shatteredme.
And it wasn't just the fact thatshe disclosed this, what
happened, it didn't surpr itshattered me, but at the same
(13:12):
time, it didn't surprise mebecause I knew he was already an
evil man, obviously.
But the worst part thatshattered me as my as as her
sister was learning that she wasstill writing to him.
She said she still was writingto him, and I said, What do you
mean, still writing?
They would write to each other,and she said, Well, we pray for
(13:33):
each other.
At that moment, I understoodsomething clearly.
That my family did not wanthealing.
It wanted silence, it wantedloyalty, and it and it used
(13:56):
spiritual justification.
I was never gonna survive inthat system.
I still tried.
I still tried for almost almost20 more years after that.
But I can say I was never gonnasurvive inside that system.
So I break my promise to mymother, the one she made me
(14:22):
promise over and over and overthat I would never speak about.
Here's what I know now.
A promise extracted from a childthrough fear is not a moral
obligation.
If I could go back in time, Iwould tell everybody what
happened.
Because I was a child, and Ilost my favorite aunt, and I
(14:43):
also lost a relationship with myfavorite cousins.
I never saw some of them again.
And I wasn't allowed to sharethat part of my life that had
gone missing.
I walked around with holes in mychest as a child and as a young
adult because of the secrets mymother forced me to keep.
(15:10):
She made me feel like in orderto survive, I had to keep that
secret.
But that was what was killingme.
You know what?
Survival tactics, they areallowed to expire, you know?
I don't have to keep that secretanymore.
(15:35):
It was never my responsibility.
SPEAKER_00 (15:38):
I was a kid.
I was a kid in a happy facesweatshirt.
When all this went down, youguys.
And I still had to walk aroundwith my happy face sweatshirt
(16:01):
for years.
Because of her.
SPEAKER_01 (16:09):
My mother.
While I was hurting inside.
(16:31):
Silence was not love.
Loyalty was not protection.
And distance from those peopledoes not make you cruel.
Healing might look like namingthe role that you were forced
(16:52):
into.
Healing might look like finallyallowing the grief that was
delayed or forbidden to comethrough.
Healing might be telling yourstory once to a safe witness or
choosing not to tell it at all,and simply reclaiming your right
to peace.
(17:14):
You decide, and that is thepoint.
No one should be forcing you tobe a secret keeper.
There's NDAs for that.
But I was a kid, I couldn'tconsent to that.
You know?
So if you were ever made tocarry something that never
belonged to you, you're allowedto put it down.
(17:34):
Right now.
While you're listening to theshow, you can put that shit
down.
Even if no one else ever does.
Content Warning.
This episode discusses familyviolence, murder, child sexual
abuse, religious abuse, andcoercive silence within
families.
There is no graphic detail, butthe themes may be distressing,
especially for listeners fromnarcissistic or abusive
households.
(00:26):
So if you find yourself becomingoverwhelmed during this episode,
you are encouraged to pause,take a break, come back later.
Your nervous system comes first.
But there are some veryimportant things in this
episode.
Things that took me a lifetimeto label and learn and process.
(00:49):
So I'm gonna help skip a few ofthose steps for you and help
bring some clarity for some ofyou who have experienced these
things in your family.
Okay?
But your nervous system comesfirst.
So this episode is going to bedifficult for me, but it is
(01:15):
shared for the purpose ofeducation, validation, and
healing, not just for myself,but for other people.
So harassment, victim blaming,or justifying violence won't be
tolerated in any comments on mysocial media or messages
connected to this show.
This space is not a debatespace, it's a space for
(01:39):
survivors.
There are families that keepsecrets.
Then there are families thatassign children the job of
keeping them.
In narcissistic households,silence isn't just expected,
it's enforced.
(02:00):
Not to protect the children, butto protect the family's image or
their beliefs or their powerstructure.
Today's episode is about whathappens when a child is made
into a dark secret keeper andhow damaging that role can be
long after the secret itself issupposed to be over.
(02:21):
In healthy families, adultshandle adult realities.
But in narcissistic families,children are often recruited
into the emotional labor thatthey cannot consent to.
One of the least talked aboutroles is the child who is
expected to one, know whathappened, two, never to speak
(02:44):
about it, three, never to grieveabout it, and four to carry it
quietly into adulthood.
The trauma isn't only the eventitself.
It's being forced to hold italone.
For years, decades even.
(03:12):
So I am calling this segment TheSecret.
SPEAKER_00 (03:18):
When I was a child, my mother's brother murdered his
wife while their children werein the house watching cartoons.
My cousins.
SPEAKER_01 (03:55):
When I was told about what happened, I wasn't
really allowed to ask questions.
I was never allowed to attendany funerals or memorials.
I was told explicitly, however,and repeatedly that I was never
to tell a single soul.
(04:16):
And that wasn't a one-timesilencing thing.
It wasn't occasional.
SPEAKER_00 (04:22):
It was rehearsed over and over and over.
SPEAKER_01 (04:33):
So all throughout my childhood, after this happened,
anytime something good was aboutto happen for me, like a first
day at a new school, a poolparty, a week at camp, my mother
would bring up the murder in thecar.
Not to check on me, not tocomfort me or check my feelings,
(04:54):
but to remind me of my role, tocoach my silence.
Even if I wasn't even thinkingabout bringing that up, she had
to remind me not to bring it up.
And so every time I walked intosomething that was supposed to
be fun and joyful andmeaningful, she reminded me of
(05:15):
the weight that I was assignedto carry.
And I had to carry it allthrough my childhood, all
through my special moments, allthrough my milestones and my
struggles, I was assigned thatrole.
It was used to regulate me, mytrauma.
(05:37):
It was used to regulate me fortheir benefit, not to regulate
me in a healthy way.
Part three, uh, forcedproximity, okay?
It didn't stop with the murder.
(06:01):
That wasn't even the bulk of thetrauma, believe it or not.
So my uncle went to prison, hehad turned himself in, and he
would call the house.
He would call my mom multipletimes a day.
And it was always a collect callfrom the Minnesota State
(06:23):
Correctional Facilities.
My mother would always have mepick up the phone and she would
have me wait.
My uncle would say his name.
And it was always a collectcall, so I had to, you know, say
that I accepted the charges.
And then I had to, you know,chit-chat with him until my
(06:45):
mother was ready to take thecall.
So yeah, every day, severaltimes a day, I would get
triggered every time the phonewould ring and I would have to
pick it up and I would have tohear his name.
I would have to say hello.
I would have to be forced tostay on the line and listening
to him until my mother decidedto take the call.
SPEAKER_00 (07:07):
And when she did take the call, they spoke of
this as it was all a part ofGod's plan.
I was never allowed to cry aboutit.
SPEAKER_01 (07:21):
I was never allowed to object.
I was never allowed to speakabout it afterwards.
According to them, my auntdeserved what happened to her.
I heard them make up story afterstory after story about why she
deserved that.
That belief lived in the room,and so did I.
(07:45):
That was awkward.
So, why was this sotraumatizing?
I mean, do I even have to askthat question?
But we're gonna name thisbullshit, okay?
(08:06):
So this is what coercive silencelooks like.
This is why people stay inabusive relationships for so
long.
Because they're groomed over andover and over to be secret
keepers.
It was a little bit easier forthem to do that to me because I
was just a kid.
I already knew that they werecapable of hitting me if I, you
(08:27):
know, quote unquote disobeyedthem.
I didn't know what they weregonna do if I exposed this.
I was scared to death.
Scared to death.
I was scared to death that myuncle would serve his time and
come out and appropriatelypunish me for speaking about it.
I had nightmares of that everynight and I wasn't allowed to
(08:53):
talk about it.
Uh, they forced me toparticipate in their bullshit.
Um, when children are made tohold adult violence or be
exposed repeatedly or pretendnothing is wrong and remain
loyal to a narrative that harmsthem, the result is chronic
hypervigilance.
(09:14):
Remember, I said I was freakedout every time the phone rang?
Yeah, there's a murderer on theother end.
Holy shit, dude.
Okay.
You also get moral injury.
You don't, you're, you're,you're thinking of what you
think is right and wrong isbeing constantly distorted every
fucking day by these people.
(09:35):
So you're deeply confused and aningrained fear of speaking, even
decades later.
That's why I'm a little nervousmaking this episode because I
made promises to my mother as asmall child never to speak about
this.
So my nervous system is reallyfreaking out right now.
(09:55):
Okay, while I'm talking aboutthis, I want you all to know
this is hard for you to listento.
This is hard for me to talkabout.
Um, but I've needed to talkabout this for a very long time.
This is part of what heals youas a person.
Now, the next time I share thisstory, it's gonna be easier for
me.
But this is honestly the firsttime I'm sharing this really
(10:17):
like much.
I've mentioned it, but I'venever disclosed this whole
thing.
So I appreciate you guyslistening.
So here's the next part (10:31):
the layer that broke everything
open.
Okay.
So years after this, I had todeal with this like day after
day after day after day.
I was schooled on how my unclewas innocent.
My mom took it a notch further.
She integrated our religion intowhat he did and would try to
(10:52):
take the Bible and justify whathe did.
And it even got to the pointwhere the people who who ended
up taking custody of my cousins,my mother was was instructing us
to pray against the family thatwas caring for my cousins.
SPEAKER_00 (11:10):
I was instructed to hate the people that took care
of my cousins.
And people want to know why I'ma stage.
SPEAKER_01 (11:23):
Okay, keep listening, folks.
I gotta laugh about this becauseI can't cry no more.
Years later, when I finally justI had it with all this bullshit,
I left home at 17, guys.
I was 17 years old.
Okay.
I I moved out and I lived, Idecided to, you know, stay with
(11:43):
my sister for a stint.
I did not know my sister was anovert malignant narcissist at
the time.
So at the time she was just myolder, annoying sister who was
always bullying me, but sheaccepted me into her home.
So I went and stayed with her.
And during this time, okay, mysister's 14 years older than me
(12:04):
for reference.
So she'd been out of the housequite some time before I had.
Uh, she was still my very bigolder, sophisticated sister.
Um, but so I was 17.
My sister, well, this when mysister disclosed this to me, I
was probably like, I wasprobably 18.
She didn't disclose any of thisto me when I was a kid.
(12:27):
Uh, but anyway, so I'm I'm Ileft my home at 17 to live with
my sister, turned 18 shortlyafter that.
During this time, my sisterdisclosed to me that this same
uncle had molested her yearsearlier when she was three years
(12:48):
old.
I want to be very careful when Italk about this because this is
my sister's story.
My sister was a child when thishappened, so I'm not gonna get
into the details of this.
But what she told me shatteredme.
And it wasn't just the fact thatshe disclosed this, what
happened, it didn't surpr itshattered me, but at the same
(13:12):
time, it didn't surprise mebecause I knew he was already an
evil man, obviously.
But the worst part thatshattered me as my as as her
sister was learning that she wasstill writing to him.
She said she still was writingto him, and I said, What do you
mean, still writing?
They would write to each other,and she said, Well, we pray for
(13:33):
each other.
At that moment, I understoodsomething clearly.
That my family did not wanthealing.
It wanted silence, it wantedloyalty, and it and it used
(13:56):
spiritual justification.
I was never gonna survive inthat system.
I still tried.
I still tried for almost almost20 more years after that.
But I can say I was never gonnasurvive inside that system.
So I break my promise to mymother, the one she made me
(14:22):
promise over and over and overthat I would never speak about.
Here's what I know now.
A promise extracted from a childthrough fear is not a moral
obligation.
If I could go back in time, Iwould tell everybody what
happened.
Because I was a child, and Ilost my favorite aunt, and I
(14:43):
also lost a relationship with myfavorite cousins.
I never saw some of them again.
And I wasn't allowed to sharethat part of my life that had
gone missing.
I walked around with holes in mychest as a child and as a young
adult because of the secrets mymother forced me to keep.
(15:10):
She made me feel like in orderto survive, I had to keep that
secret.
But that was what was killingme.
You know what?
Survival tactics, they areallowed to expire, you know?
I don't have to keep that secretanymore.
(15:35):
It was never my responsibility.
SPEAKER_00 (15:38):
I was a kid.
I was a kid in a happy facesweatshirt.
When all this went down, youguys.
And I still had to walk aroundwith my happy face sweatshirt
(16:01):
for years.
Because of her.
SPEAKER_01 (16:09):
My mother.
While I was hurting inside.
(16:31):
Silence was not love.
Loyalty was not protection.
And distance from those peopledoes not make you cruel.
Healing might look like namingthe role that you were forced
(16:52):
into.
Healing might look like finallyallowing the grief that was
delayed or forbidden to comethrough.
Healing might be telling yourstory once to a safe witness or
choosing not to tell it at all,and simply reclaiming your right
to peace.
(17:14):
You decide, and that is thepoint.
No one should be forcing you tobe a secret keeper.
There's NDAs for that.
But I was a kid, I couldn'tconsent to that.
You know?
So if you were ever made tocarry something that never
belonged to you, you're allowedto put it down.
(17:34):
Right now.
While you're listening to theshow, you can put that shit
down.
Even if no one else ever does.
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