December 25, 2025 • 23 mins
When Grief Becomes a Weapon
Chances are, you’ve probably lived this every holiday—just never had a name for it. In this cheeky solo episode, Alexis breaks down annual family trauma rituals, how to spot them in real time, and how to cope. Stay tuned. Part of our Healing for the Holidays series
#grief #depression #healing #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #familyestrangement #trauma #ptsd #estrangement #narcissisticabuse #loss #bereavement #copingwithloss #christmas
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SPEAKER_01 (00:05):
When grief becomes a weapon, this episode is about
understanding annual holidaytrauma rituals.
Stick with me here.
Okay, stick with me.
Some families have a ritual thatisn't in any greeting card.
(00:30):
Every holiday, one person bringsup a decades-old tragedy.
For example, the death of ababy.
SPEAKER_00 (00:41):
And they reroute the entire room's emotional energy
into grief, guilt, or pity.
Now, you guys, as my listeners,you know this dynamic.
SPEAKER_01 (00:59):
You've lived this, you've sat through this, and
you've been sick from it, butyou probably didn't know what to
call it.
SPEAKER_00 (01:07):
So let's put a name to it, shall we?
This behavior is a form oftrauma-centric control.
SPEAKER_01 (01:18):
So when a person, especially a covert malignant
narcissist, insists onreintroducing the same tragedy
every single year at the exactsame moment, what they're doing
is not a remembrance.
SPEAKER_00 (01:35):
It's not grief.
It is emotional dominance.
It is narrative control.
It is power maintenance.
SPEAKER_01 (01:52):
And it is forced emotional reset for the entire
group.
Again, this is not spontaneousgrief.
It happens every year.
It happens every special event.
Just think about it.
Think about the person.
For me, it was my mother.
She brought up uh someone'sdeceased baby every year, a baby
(02:16):
that lived only to be an hour anhour old.
And for some reason, she had tobring it up every single year on
Christmas morning just before wewere opening our gifts.
And she used to wonder why wewould, why we didn't like that.
Uh it's annualized emotionalhijacking.
(02:43):
You look forward to the holidayall year, and then every year
she does this.
She ruined so many Christmases,and she knew what she was doing.
She enjoyed it.
This is why covert malignantnarcissists do this, okay?
This is why they enjoy it.
They enjoy it and they do thisto reestablish their position as
(03:06):
the like the most wounded.
Because they it all has to beabout them.
It's all about their pain.
Even though it wasn't her baby,it wasn't her wound.
It was, but she's still the mostwounded.
It was about her pain, about youknow, her bringing it up.
So in dysfunctional systems,whoever holds the deepest pain
(03:27):
becomes like sort of theuntouchable one.
You're not allowed to saycertain things or do certain
things.
You're they're immune fromcriticism and they're also
exempt from responsibility.
SPEAKER_00 (03:42):
And they're chronically catered to.
If we ever spoke out againstthings like that, we would be
abused.
And so we were kind of forced tojust be quiet about it.
(04:03):
We couldn't confront her safely.
SPEAKER_01 (04:11):
And we had to cradle her whatever emotion she was
trying to portray.
So this person uses the deadbaby to crown themselves every
year.
SPEAKER_00 (04:24):
Like sh that's what she did.
SPEAKER_01 (04:31):
All of a sudden, all the attention and all the
feelings shifted towards mymother in that moment every
single year, and it was sogoddamn annoying.
And she did this every year.
SPEAKER_00 (04:42):
Grief, she used it as a social currency.
She did this, malignantnarcissists, they do this to
control the emotional tone ofthe group.
Narcissists cannot tolerateother people being joyful.
(05:07):
Narcissists cannot tolerateother people getting attention.
Narcissists can't tolerate notbeing the sun and everyone's
orbits.
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
For example, I was a joyful kid.
I got a lot of attention becauseI was weird and I was quirky and
I was autistic and no one knew,and I was also really talented,
and I memorized things, and Iwas in plays and I sang and and
I did modeling and I did allthese things.
My mother fucking hated that.
(05:46):
I excelled in everything.
She set me up to fail, but Ijust kept like excelling, and it
would just make her mad.
So then she would do things likethis to make me upset before uh
before a show or something likethat.
She would inject tragedy in toin order to reposition the
(06:07):
spotlight.
So back to like, you know, ourliving room at Christmas time,
we couldn't stop being, wecouldn't be joyful anymore.
We nobody else could be gettingany attention.
It didn't matter who was openingtheir gift or anything.
Nobody was allowed to be thecenter of attention other than
(06:28):
her in that moment.
SPEAKER_00 (06:30):
And she used a deceased baby to do it year
after year.
And whenever she did this, itworked instantly.
The room would collapseemotionally, everyone would get
upset, and she would become thegravitational center again.
SPEAKER_01 (06:54):
Malignant covert narcissists also do this in
order to prevent other peoplefrom holding boundaries.
If they control the emotionallandscape with sorrow, they're
less likely to be confronted.
People aren't gonna set limitsfor that.
How sad she's sad?
(07:14):
It's like, no, like it works fora while, but not too long.
No one brings up their behavior.
At least no one did for years.
It took it took us years to likefinally tell my mom to stop
doing that.
And she, but she didn't care.
(07:34):
She didn't, again, uh if you doset boundaries, they completely
ignore them.
They don't give a shit.
You can't call out a narcissistwhen they've just reminded you
of their pain.
It's a shield.
They do that on purpose.
SPEAKER_00 (07:50):
They hurt you so they can't, so you can't say
anything.
You're just sitting there hurt.
Uh they do this to preserve anarrative where they are forever
the victim.
The story becomes look whathappened to me.
I lost my grandbaby.
(08:12):
I will never recover.
Meanwhile, the truth is theydon't really give a shit.
SPEAKER_01 (08:22):
They're just using the tragedy to maintain control
of the group.
SPEAKER_00 (08:26):
They do this because healing would remove their
power.
If they healed from it, they'dlose pity from others.
That's not genuine care, really.
SPEAKER_01 (08:45):
If they healed, they would lose authority.
They wouldn't be able to controlthe room anymore with people's
emotions.
They wouldn't be able to usethat.
Uh, they would lose the moralhigh ground.
They would lose the attention,they would lose the emotional
leverage.
SPEAKER_00 (09:00):
If they healed, they'd give up control of other
people.
Instead of, you know, gainingself-control, they they cling to
controlling others.
SPEAKER_01 (09:13):
So they cling to the trauma, which controls us, like
a like it's a crown.
Not even like it's a tool, likeit's an actual crown.
They use it for attention.
Uh, they don't want resolution.
They won't, she wouldn't stopbringing it up.
It's like they don't want tosolve the problem.
If there's an issue, there'sthey don't want anything to get
(09:35):
better.
They want renewal of their role,their revalence, and their
power.
So here's how it impacts thefamily.
I mean, I've already kind ofmentioned some stuff, like based
off my experience.
(09:55):
Uh, but you guys may still likerecognize like some of the
stuff.
Emotional suffocation, okay?
You're forced to sit in a griefthat like isn't yours at a time
that was designed for connectionand warmth.
We were sitting around gettingready to open Christmas gifts
when we should have been bondingwith each other and connecting
(10:17):
with each other.
She forced us into a grief thatwasn't ours.
She took our time that wasdesigned for connection and
warmth, and she sabotaged thatand forced us to sit in a grief
that wasn't ours, a grief thatwas disingenuine.
(10:38):
A grief that she never gave anopportunity to heal.
Number two, you experienceconfusion.
Am I this cold if this doesn'thit me the same way?
Like, why does she have to bringit up every year?
Just because and just because Idon't bring it up that doesn't
mean that I don't grieve him anyless.
(10:58):
And that's what really botheredme.
It's like I don't, if I'mgrieving something, I didn't, I
never felt the the need to uh totell everybody about it at the
worst possible moment.
Like, what on earth?
And she would normalize thisbecause she would do it every
(11:19):
single year.
And she would get mad if youback talked her or if you told
her to knock it off or if youpulled her aside quietly.
Please don't do that.
It's unnecessary.
Like, but they normalize it in away where they make you feel
like you're the one that has theproblem because, like, they're
they're making you feel likeyou're the narcissist and you
don't have any empathy whenthey're the ones weaponizing
(11:41):
your feelings in the firstplace.
SPEAKER_00 (11:45):
And you're wondering why you dread this every single
year.
SPEAKER_01 (11:53):
They might just bring bring up so-and-so every
time you accomplish something.
SPEAKER_00 (12:02):
You know?
Think about it.
It doesn't have to be a deceasedchild.
SPEAKER_01 (12:09):
It could be, you know, what did your what did
your parents bring up?
Or what did that relative, orwhat did they bring up every
single year that would justbother you and control you and
upset you and and the wholeentire group?
Like, what was that?
I want to know.
Taking a break real quick, ifyou want to do that, if you want
to be a guest, email us at wtbvpodcast at gmail.com.
(12:39):
We're gonna get to number three,like right now.
Um, there's something else thatthat is happening here when they
do this.
It's called guilt conditioning.
And this is another thing thatyou feel.
If you don't react with the samewith enough sadness, the
(13:00):
narcissist will interpret it asdisrespect, uh, a lack of
loyalty, or a lack of empathy,emotional failure.
SPEAKER_00 (13:14):
This trains the family to perform sorrow on
command, on on their command.
Another thing that you might befeeling, but not really, you
know, able to really likeverbally express is like, you
know, just dreading.
SPEAKER_01 (13:33):
I mean, everybody knows we dread the holidays, but
why?
Because they suck.
Oh, because people say stupidthings.
It's like, yeah, but what?
And why do they do it?
And why they do they do it everyyear?
And like, why do why does ithappen why why?
Like, I I I'm just diggingdeeper here, folks.
Okay, I'm not, I I I know thaty're the holidays.
(13:54):
But it gives you anxiety.
That's why everybody fuckingdrinks.
They don't want to deal with it.
We don't, they've ruined theholidays for us.
It's not happy holidays anymore.
It's not a Merry Christmas, it'snot a happy holidays.
See you next year.
That's what we're that's wherewe're at right now, folks.
(14:16):
Many estranged people fear theholidays because they know the
meltdown is scheduled,somebody's gonna lose it.
It might be me.
Uh, the grief bomb is coming.
Mom's gonna bring up so-and-so'sdead baby again.
Oh, great.
You start to invent your owndark comedy because of that,
because it's been decades, andand now this is the only thing
you have left.
(14:36):
The only the only tool you haveleft to deal with it now is to
make a bunch of dark jokes, andnow you feel like even more of
an asshole.
Because they're funny.
Which makes it even worse.
Or better.
I don't know.
We'll see.
Anyway, their emotional needswill be erased too.
(14:58):
When you go into that kind ofspace, your emotional needs
don't matter.
You might as well leave them atthe front door.
You might as well leave them onthe porch.
That family member that bringsall that shit up every year,
they don't give a shit about theway that you feel.
They know how you feel, andthey're using that.
(15:20):
They're probably gonna go laughin the corner.
Oh, I did it again.
I made them all, uh I made themall cry.
How proud they are ofthemselves.
So, so then that leads to, youknow, the fifth thing is like
the inability to celebrate orhave joy.
Nobody's celebrating, nobody'shaving joy, everybody's
(15:42):
drinking, everybody's listeningreal closely to what everybody
says.
You know, some people are tryingto play it cool and not say
anything.
You know, some people just gooff and play with the kids or
whatever, watch football, andyou know, they try to gray rock
it and and not rock the boat.
So then joy becomes unsafe.
You're not uncomfortable becauseof the things they say there.
(16:04):
You're unsafe.
You're unsafe to be joyful, man?
You're not just dreading theholidays because you don't like
those people and because they'relousy.
You don't like going therebecause you're not allowed to be
happy.
And that's why you don't likebeing there.
Don't go, dude.
It's not worth it.
(16:24):
Dude, do that's I don't don'tgo.
If it ain't fun, don't do it.
You're not obligated.
I'm sorry.
They can, you know, heal.
But, you know, this is stuffthat happens, man.
(16:47):
Um, but anyway, uh if thishappens and you're kind of in
one of those situations whereyou really can't get out of it,
you know that so-and-so's gonnabring this shit up or whatever.
You know, these are some likeshort, respectful, non-engaging
things that you can say to kindof like give them that little
(17:09):
bit of attention and then kindof moving on, kind of feel.
SPEAKER_00 (17:13):
It's like, I hear ya.
That must still be hard for you.
Then pivot your attentionelsewhere.
SPEAKER_01 (17:23):
This denies the narcissist an emotional supply.
It's like it brings it, it'slike it brings it back onto
them.
SPEAKER_00 (17:29):
Like, this is your problem.
This is your grief.
It's not mine.
My grief doesn't look anythinglike yours.
You can also preset theboundary, which I've tried,
which won't work with anarcissist, by the way.
SPEAKER_01 (17:51):
They won't listen, they won't do it.
We warned my mother, we talkedto my mother, she didn't give a
shit.
SPEAKER_00 (17:57):
But you could try setting a boundary before the
holiday.
So here's your little presetboundary you can try to set and
hope it works.
SPEAKER_01 (18:09):
You can say something like, I won't be
participating in heavy emotionaldiscussions during the holidays.
I won't be bringing that personup or acknowledging it.
SPEAKER_00 (18:21):
If it comes up, I will step out quietly.
Clean, adult, non-negotiable.
SPEAKER_01 (18:34):
With a narcissist, if you offer a disclaimer to
them, or if you try and set aboundary with them, they'll just
see that as, oh, I know her nextmove.
So I don't give anybody my nextmove anymore.
So if that were to happen, Idon't want to warn people
anymore.
They already know I don't likestuff because I I I verbalize
all of that.
They already know narcissistsalready knows that you don't,
(18:57):
that that makes you upset, thatbothers you.
They're gonna do it anyway.
You still have power.
You you can still get up andwalk away and leave.
That is your power.
SPEAKER_00 (19:07):
That says a lot right there.
She walked out.
SPEAKER_01 (19:14):
Oh, maybe she doesn't like hearing this every
single year while she's tryingto be happy with her family and
get on with her healing.
You know?
Uh you don't have to announceit.
You don't have to debate it.
You could just leave.
Stand, walk, go to the bathroom,go outside, go have a smoke, go
(19:34):
in your car, listen to music, begone.
You don't need to apologize forfor leaving.
SPEAKER_00 (19:41):
Uh so anyone wants to know why'd you leave it out?
It's like ask yourself whyyou're asking me that question,
why I left.
SPEAKER_01 (19:51):
Like, if you have to wonder why I got up and left
that situation, maybe maybe youneed some therapy.
SPEAKER_00 (20:00):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (20:01):
Um you could be bold if you're somebody who who
sometimes will just saysomething, will will immediately
bark back if if y 'cause I kneweveryone was sick of it.
I could hear the moans and thegroans, you know, when everybody
was just like, Why did she bringthat up?
(20:21):
Like, you know, I would just saysomething like it's not about
that person, it's not about thedeceased baby, it's not about
this person that you keepbringing it up, it's not about
this trauma that you keepbringing up.
It's about control, it's aboutyour unresolved trauma.
This is not my burden, this isyours.
Stop trying to throw it on usevery single fucking year.
(20:44):
Believe it or not, sometimessticking up for yourself
actually does protect yournervous system because your
nervous system has been tryingto train you and get you the
guts and to stand up foryourself for a long time.
But you couldn't when you were akid, or you couldn't when you
were first in that situationwith that person.
(21:05):
You're allowed to say somethingback, you're not allowed to just
sit there and let them jerk youaround emotionally.
You can say if they starttalking about it like, oh, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope.
If you continue to talk aboutthat, I am taking my gifts and
leaving.
And I'm taking yours too.
unknown (21:23):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (21:24):
Um, you don't have to put that put up with that.
So, anyway, uh, enjoy theholiday if you can.
Don't let someone else stealyour joy or make you feel like
you're not allowed to be happy.
Let them cry for a change.
(21:45):
Let them go cry if you're happyand they're not.
That's life.
You know?
Um, there's things you can do.
You don't have to put up withit.
But if, you know, if you want toput up with it, there's ways to
cope with it.
So, anyway, this was anotherepisode of When the Bow Breaks
(22:07):
Podcast.
With my arm in a sling.
Uh, again, I didn't get injured.
I'm just resting it.
But, you know, this gives mesomething else to do.
Uh, When the Bow Breaks Podcast,you can find us at wtbbpod.com
to learn more and to subscribe.
(22:27):
To learn more about my personalstory or more about exiting
religion, more about childhoodtrauma stuff, you can search my
name, Alexis Arilyn, on YouTube.
And there's all kinds of guestspots and things that I've done
(22:48):
on other shows.
And When the Bow Breaks podcastepisodes are also up there, too.
Uh, we recently went to videopodcasting not too long ago,
except for like these littlesolo episodes.
So, some of those episodes youcan watch.
Uh, so check it out.
And you can also subscribe.
(23:09):
If you'd like to financiallysupport the show, you can visit
buy meacoffee.com slash WTBBpodcast.
We're up there.
Just make sure the logo matcheswith the show.
So, anyway, yeah.
Happy holidays.
Alexa Sara Lynn, thank you forlistening to When the Bow Breaks
(23:33):
Podcast, a Belfare mediaproduction.
When grief becomes a weapon, this episode is about
understanding annual holidaytrauma rituals.
Stick with me here.
Okay, stick with me.
Some families have a ritual thatisn't in any greeting card.
(00:30):
Every holiday, one person bringsup a decades-old tragedy.
For example, the death of ababy.
SPEAKER_00 (00:41):
And they reroute the entire room's emotional energy
into grief, guilt, or pity.
Now, you guys, as my listeners,you know this dynamic.
SPEAKER_01 (00:59):
You've lived this, you've sat through this, and
you've been sick from it, butyou probably didn't know what to
call it.
SPEAKER_00 (01:07):
So let's put a name to it, shall we?
This behavior is a form oftrauma-centric control.
SPEAKER_01 (01:18):
So when a person, especially a covert malignant
narcissist, insists onreintroducing the same tragedy
every single year at the exactsame moment, what they're doing
is not a remembrance.
SPEAKER_00 (01:35):
It's not grief.
It is emotional dominance.
It is narrative control.
It is power maintenance.
SPEAKER_01 (01:52):
And it is forced emotional reset for the entire
group.
Again, this is not spontaneousgrief.
It happens every year.
It happens every special event.
Just think about it.
Think about the person.
For me, it was my mother.
She brought up uh someone'sdeceased baby every year, a baby
(02:16):
that lived only to be an hour anhour old.
And for some reason, she had tobring it up every single year on
Christmas morning just before wewere opening our gifts.
And she used to wonder why wewould, why we didn't like that.
Uh it's annualized emotionalhijacking.
(02:43):
You look forward to the holidayall year, and then every year
she does this.
She ruined so many Christmases,and she knew what she was doing.
She enjoyed it.
This is why covert malignantnarcissists do this, okay?
This is why they enjoy it.
They enjoy it and they do thisto reestablish their position as
(03:06):
the like the most wounded.
Because they it all has to beabout them.
It's all about their pain.
Even though it wasn't her baby,it wasn't her wound.
It was, but she's still the mostwounded.
It was about her pain, about youknow, her bringing it up.
So in dysfunctional systems,whoever holds the deepest pain
(03:27):
becomes like sort of theuntouchable one.
You're not allowed to saycertain things or do certain
things.
You're they're immune fromcriticism and they're also
exempt from responsibility.
SPEAKER_00 (03:42):
And they're chronically catered to.
If we ever spoke out againstthings like that, we would be
abused.
And so we were kind of forced tojust be quiet about it.
(04:03):
We couldn't confront her safely.
SPEAKER_01 (04:11):
And we had to cradle her whatever emotion she was
trying to portray.
So this person uses the deadbaby to crown themselves every
year.
SPEAKER_00 (04:24):
Like sh that's what she did.
SPEAKER_01 (04:31):
All of a sudden, all the attention and all the
feelings shifted towards mymother in that moment every
single year, and it was sogoddamn annoying.
And she did this every year.
SPEAKER_00 (04:42):
Grief, she used it as a social currency.
She did this, malignantnarcissists, they do this to
control the emotional tone ofthe group.
Narcissists cannot tolerateother people being joyful.
(05:07):
Narcissists cannot tolerateother people getting attention.
Narcissists can't tolerate notbeing the sun and everyone's
orbits.
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
For example, I was a joyful kid.
I got a lot of attention becauseI was weird and I was quirky and
I was autistic and no one knew,and I was also really talented,
and I memorized things, and Iwas in plays and I sang and and
I did modeling and I did allthese things.
My mother fucking hated that.
(05:46):
I excelled in everything.
She set me up to fail, but Ijust kept like excelling, and it
would just make her mad.
So then she would do things likethis to make me upset before uh
before a show or something likethat.
She would inject tragedy in toin order to reposition the
(06:07):
spotlight.
So back to like, you know, ourliving room at Christmas time,
we couldn't stop being, wecouldn't be joyful anymore.
We nobody else could be gettingany attention.
It didn't matter who was openingtheir gift or anything.
Nobody was allowed to be thecenter of attention other than
(06:28):
her in that moment.
SPEAKER_00 (06:30):
And she used a deceased baby to do it year
after year.
And whenever she did this, itworked instantly.
The room would collapseemotionally, everyone would get
upset, and she would become thegravitational center again.
SPEAKER_01 (06:54):
Malignant covert narcissists also do this in
order to prevent other peoplefrom holding boundaries.
If they control the emotionallandscape with sorrow, they're
less likely to be confronted.
People aren't gonna set limitsfor that.
How sad she's sad?
(07:14):
It's like, no, like it works fora while, but not too long.
No one brings up their behavior.
At least no one did for years.
It took it took us years to likefinally tell my mom to stop
doing that.
And she, but she didn't care.
(07:34):
She didn't, again, uh if you doset boundaries, they completely
ignore them.
They don't give a shit.
You can't call out a narcissistwhen they've just reminded you
of their pain.
It's a shield.
They do that on purpose.
SPEAKER_00 (07:50):
They hurt you so they can't, so you can't say
anything.
You're just sitting there hurt.
Uh they do this to preserve anarrative where they are forever
the victim.
The story becomes look whathappened to me.
I lost my grandbaby.
(08:12):
I will never recover.
Meanwhile, the truth is theydon't really give a shit.
SPEAKER_01 (08:22):
They're just using the tragedy to maintain control
of the group.
SPEAKER_00 (08:26):
They do this because healing would remove their
power.
If they healed from it, they'dlose pity from others.
That's not genuine care, really.
SPEAKER_01 (08:45):
If they healed, they would lose authority.
They wouldn't be able to controlthe room anymore with people's
emotions.
They wouldn't be able to usethat.
Uh, they would lose the moralhigh ground.
They would lose the attention,they would lose the emotional
leverage.
SPEAKER_00 (09:00):
If they healed, they'd give up control of other
people.
Instead of, you know, gainingself-control, they they cling to
controlling others.
SPEAKER_01 (09:13):
So they cling to the trauma, which controls us, like
a like it's a crown.
Not even like it's a tool, likeit's an actual crown.
They use it for attention.
Uh, they don't want resolution.
They won't, she wouldn't stopbringing it up.
It's like they don't want tosolve the problem.
If there's an issue, there'sthey don't want anything to get
(09:35):
better.
They want renewal of their role,their revalence, and their
power.
So here's how it impacts thefamily.
I mean, I've already kind ofmentioned some stuff, like based
off my experience.
(09:55):
Uh, but you guys may still likerecognize like some of the
stuff.
Emotional suffocation, okay?
You're forced to sit in a griefthat like isn't yours at a time
that was designed for connectionand warmth.
We were sitting around gettingready to open Christmas gifts
when we should have been bondingwith each other and connecting
(10:17):
with each other.
She forced us into a grief thatwasn't ours.
She took our time that wasdesigned for connection and
warmth, and she sabotaged thatand forced us to sit in a grief
that wasn't ours, a grief thatwas disingenuine.
(10:38):
A grief that she never gave anopportunity to heal.
Number two, you experienceconfusion.
Am I this cold if this doesn'thit me the same way?
Like, why does she have to bringit up every year?
Just because and just because Idon't bring it up that doesn't
mean that I don't grieve him anyless.
(10:58):
And that's what really botheredme.
It's like I don't, if I'mgrieving something, I didn't, I
never felt the the need to uh totell everybody about it at the
worst possible moment.
Like, what on earth?
And she would normalize thisbecause she would do it every
(11:19):
single year.
And she would get mad if youback talked her or if you told
her to knock it off or if youpulled her aside quietly.
Please don't do that.
It's unnecessary.
Like, but they normalize it in away where they make you feel
like you're the one that has theproblem because, like, they're
they're making you feel likeyou're the narcissist and you
don't have any empathy whenthey're the ones weaponizing
(11:41):
your feelings in the firstplace.
SPEAKER_00 (11:45):
And you're wondering why you dread this every single
year.
SPEAKER_01 (11:53):
They might just bring bring up so-and-so every
time you accomplish something.
SPEAKER_00 (12:02):
You know?
Think about it.
It doesn't have to be a deceasedchild.
SPEAKER_01 (12:09):
It could be, you know, what did your what did
your parents bring up?
Or what did that relative, orwhat did they bring up every
single year that would justbother you and control you and
upset you and and the wholeentire group?
Like, what was that?
I want to know.
Taking a break real quick, ifyou want to do that, if you want
to be a guest, email us at wtbvpodcast at gmail.com.
(12:39):
We're gonna get to number three,like right now.
Um, there's something else thatthat is happening here when they
do this.
It's called guilt conditioning.
And this is another thing thatyou feel.
If you don't react with the samewith enough sadness, the
(13:00):
narcissist will interpret it asdisrespect, uh, a lack of
loyalty, or a lack of empathy,emotional failure.
SPEAKER_00 (13:14):
This trains the family to perform sorrow on
command, on on their command.
Another thing that you might befeeling, but not really, you
know, able to really likeverbally express is like, you
know, just dreading.
SPEAKER_01 (13:33):
I mean, everybody knows we dread the holidays, but
why?
Because they suck.
Oh, because people say stupidthings.
It's like, yeah, but what?
And why do they do it?
And why they do they do it everyyear?
And like, why do why does ithappen why why?
Like, I I I'm just diggingdeeper here, folks.
Okay, I'm not, I I I know thaty're the holidays.
(13:54):
But it gives you anxiety.
That's why everybody fuckingdrinks.
They don't want to deal with it.
We don't, they've ruined theholidays for us.
It's not happy holidays anymore.
It's not a Merry Christmas, it'snot a happy holidays.
See you next year.
That's what we're that's wherewe're at right now, folks.
(14:16):
Many estranged people fear theholidays because they know the
meltdown is scheduled,somebody's gonna lose it.
It might be me.
Uh, the grief bomb is coming.
Mom's gonna bring up so-and-so'sdead baby again.
Oh, great.
You start to invent your owndark comedy because of that,
because it's been decades, andand now this is the only thing
you have left.
(14:36):
The only the only tool you haveleft to deal with it now is to
make a bunch of dark jokes, andnow you feel like even more of
an asshole.
Because they're funny.
Which makes it even worse.
Or better.
I don't know.
We'll see.
Anyway, their emotional needswill be erased too.
(14:58):
When you go into that kind ofspace, your emotional needs
don't matter.
You might as well leave them atthe front door.
You might as well leave them onthe porch.
That family member that bringsall that shit up every year,
they don't give a shit about theway that you feel.
They know how you feel, andthey're using that.
(15:20):
They're probably gonna go laughin the corner.
Oh, I did it again.
I made them all, uh I made themall cry.
How proud they are ofthemselves.
So, so then that leads to, youknow, the fifth thing is like
the inability to celebrate orhave joy.
Nobody's celebrating, nobody'shaving joy, everybody's
(15:42):
drinking, everybody's listeningreal closely to what everybody
says.
You know, some people are tryingto play it cool and not say
anything.
You know, some people just gooff and play with the kids or
whatever, watch football, andyou know, they try to gray rock
it and and not rock the boat.
So then joy becomes unsafe.
You're not uncomfortable becauseof the things they say there.
(16:04):
You're unsafe.
You're unsafe to be joyful, man?
You're not just dreading theholidays because you don't like
those people and because they'relousy.
You don't like going therebecause you're not allowed to be
happy.
And that's why you don't likebeing there.
Don't go, dude.
It's not worth it.
(16:24):
Dude, do that's I don't don'tgo.
If it ain't fun, don't do it.
You're not obligated.
I'm sorry.
They can, you know, heal.
But, you know, this is stuffthat happens, man.
(16:47):
Um, but anyway, uh if thishappens and you're kind of in
one of those situations whereyou really can't get out of it,
you know that so-and-so's gonnabring this shit up or whatever.
You know, these are some likeshort, respectful, non-engaging
things that you can say to kindof like give them that little
(17:09):
bit of attention and then kindof moving on, kind of feel.
SPEAKER_00 (17:13):
It's like, I hear ya.
That must still be hard for you.
Then pivot your attentionelsewhere.
SPEAKER_01 (17:23):
This denies the narcissist an emotional supply.
It's like it brings it, it'slike it brings it back onto
them.
SPEAKER_00 (17:29):
Like, this is your problem.
This is your grief.
It's not mine.
My grief doesn't look anythinglike yours.
You can also preset theboundary, which I've tried,
which won't work with anarcissist, by the way.
SPEAKER_01 (17:51):
They won't listen, they won't do it.
We warned my mother, we talkedto my mother, she didn't give a
shit.
SPEAKER_00 (17:57):
But you could try setting a boundary before the
holiday.
So here's your little presetboundary you can try to set and
hope it works.
SPEAKER_01 (18:09):
You can say something like, I won't be
participating in heavy emotionaldiscussions during the holidays.
I won't be bringing that personup or acknowledging it.
SPEAKER_00 (18:21):
If it comes up, I will step out quietly.
Clean, adult, non-negotiable.
SPEAKER_01 (18:34):
With a narcissist, if you offer a disclaimer to
them, or if you try and set aboundary with them, they'll just
see that as, oh, I know her nextmove.
So I don't give anybody my nextmove anymore.
So if that were to happen, Idon't want to warn people
anymore.
They already know I don't likestuff because I I I verbalize
all of that.
They already know narcissistsalready knows that you don't,
(18:57):
that that makes you upset, thatbothers you.
They're gonna do it anyway.
You still have power.
You you can still get up andwalk away and leave.
That is your power.
SPEAKER_00 (19:07):
That says a lot right there.
She walked out.
SPEAKER_01 (19:14):
Oh, maybe she doesn't like hearing this every
single year while she's tryingto be happy with her family and
get on with her healing.
You know?
Uh you don't have to announceit.
You don't have to debate it.
You could just leave.
Stand, walk, go to the bathroom,go outside, go have a smoke, go
(19:34):
in your car, listen to music, begone.
You don't need to apologize forfor leaving.
SPEAKER_00 (19:41):
Uh so anyone wants to know why'd you leave it out?
It's like ask yourself whyyou're asking me that question,
why I left.
SPEAKER_01 (19:51):
Like, if you have to wonder why I got up and left
that situation, maybe maybe youneed some therapy.
SPEAKER_00 (20:00):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (20:01):
Um you could be bold if you're somebody who who
sometimes will just saysomething, will will immediately
bark back if if y 'cause I kneweveryone was sick of it.
I could hear the moans and thegroans, you know, when everybody
was just like, Why did she bringthat up?
(20:21):
Like, you know, I would just saysomething like it's not about
that person, it's not about thedeceased baby, it's not about
this person that you keepbringing it up, it's not about
this trauma that you keepbringing up.
It's about control, it's aboutyour unresolved trauma.
This is not my burden, this isyours.
Stop trying to throw it on usevery single fucking year.
(20:44):
Believe it or not, sometimessticking up for yourself
actually does protect yournervous system because your
nervous system has been tryingto train you and get you the
guts and to stand up foryourself for a long time.
But you couldn't when you were akid, or you couldn't when you
were first in that situationwith that person.
(21:05):
You're allowed to say somethingback, you're not allowed to just
sit there and let them jerk youaround emotionally.
You can say if they starttalking about it like, oh, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope.
If you continue to talk aboutthat, I am taking my gifts and
leaving.
And I'm taking yours too.
unknown (21:23):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (21:24):
Um, you don't have to put that put up with that.
So, anyway, uh, enjoy theholiday if you can.
Don't let someone else stealyour joy or make you feel like
you're not allowed to be happy.
Let them cry for a change.
(21:45):
Let them go cry if you're happyand they're not.
That's life.
You know?
Um, there's things you can do.
You don't have to put up withit.
But if, you know, if you want toput up with it, there's ways to
cope with it.
So, anyway, this was anotherepisode of When the Bow Breaks
(22:07):
Podcast.
With my arm in a sling.
Uh, again, I didn't get injured.
I'm just resting it.
But, you know, this gives mesomething else to do.
Uh, When the Bow Breaks Podcast,you can find us at wtbbpod.com
to learn more and to subscribe.
(22:27):
To learn more about my personalstory or more about exiting
religion, more about childhoodtrauma stuff, you can search my
name, Alexis Arilyn, on YouTube.
And there's all kinds of guestspots and things that I've done
(22:48):
on other shows.
And When the Bow Breaks podcastepisodes are also up there, too.
Uh, we recently went to videopodcasting not too long ago,
except for like these littlesolo episodes.
So, some of those episodes youcan watch.
Uh, so check it out.
And you can also subscribe.
(23:09):
If you'd like to financiallysupport the show, you can visit
buy meacoffee.com slash WTBBpodcast.
We're up there.
Just make sure the logo matcheswith the show.
So, anyway, yeah.
Happy holidays.
Alexa Sara Lynn, thank you forlistening to When the Bow Breaks
(23:33):
Podcast, a Belfare mediaproduction.
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