November 23, 2025 • 50 mins
If you’ve ever felt that tight, sinking feeling in your stomach the moment you start caring about someone — or if you avoid dating altogether because the emotional risk feels too high — this episode is going to feel like a deep exhale.
In this week’s conversation, we’re breaking down The Hope Hangover:
that emotional crash you experience when you let yourself believe in possibility… and then things don’t unfold the way you imagined.
You’ll learn:
✨ why hoping feels so risky for you
✨ how your nervous system is protecting you in ways that block connection
✨ why disappointment hits you harder than it “should”
✨ how avoiding this part of dating keeps you single
✨ and the love-building skill that helps you handle the Hope Hangover without shutting down
By the end of this episode, you’ll know exactly how to tend to yourself in the moments that used to make you spiral — and how to stay emotionally open long enough for real, healthy love to actually find you.
If you’re ready to stop repeating the same cycle and want personalized guidance in your dating life, book a consultation to explore working together.
We’ll look at what’s blocking you, what’s possible for you, and whether my coaching and matchmaking support is the right fit.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to Why You're Still Single, the podcast
and your go-to dating resourceto help you find and keep a
healthy loving relationship 100%dating app free.
I'm Stephanie Mariani,professional matchmaker and
master certified dating coach,and here you'll get proven
(00:21):
expert level guidance to uncoverthe blind spots that make
finding love almost impossible.
Tune in bi-weekly to learnlove-building skills that get
your relationship ready andcreate unshakable
self-confidence.
You're empowered in the datingarena.
Finally I keep extraordinarylove.
(00:48):
If you're ready to break up withdating, hello.
Good morning, good afternoon,good evening, good night.
Whatever time of day you'relistening to, I want to welcome
you to the podcast.
(01:08):
I am so happy that you're here.
And I'm also so happy to be herewith you.
As always, I would like toencourage you to take notes just
because when you take notes, youare more likely to implement
what you're learning here.
(01:29):
And when you implement whatyou're learning here, you
increase the likelihood offinding and keeping a healthy
relationship this year 100%dating app free.
All right, let's talk aboutsomething almost nobody wants to
admit out loud, but so many ofus have experienced, and this
(01:56):
might be a little bit of avulnerable subject today, but I
think it's very important for usto discuss it.
And if you're listening rightnow, there is a good chance that
you're either sitting in one ofthese two places.
One, you're quietly avoidingdating.
(02:17):
You're not showing up fully,you're kind of seeing what
happens, but your heart isn'tactually participating.
You're holding back, keeping itcasual, staying detached, almost
like you don't want to care toomuch.
Or you did let yourself carerecently, you allowed a little
(02:40):
bit of belief to creep in andhoped for something, even if it
was just a small possibility,and now you're sitting in the
emotional crash afterward,feeling tender, a little
embarrassed, maybe even ashamedthat you let yourself hope at
(03:00):
all.
And if either of those are you,then you are either in what I
call a hope hangover, or you aretrying to avoid a hope hangover.
(03:20):
Now, I'm gonna get more in depthwith this in the episode, but
basically, a hope hangover isthe emotional aftermath of
believing in possibility, right?
And then having to sit with whatcomes up when it doesn't unfold
(03:45):
the way you imagined it would.
And here's the thing (03:48):
most women, or most of us, try to
avoid this feeling altogether.
Or we don't know what to do whenwe're in it.
And that's exactly what we'regoing to talk about today.
So, today's episode is going tohelp you understand deeply what
(04:12):
a hope hangover really is, seewhy it hits you so hard
emotionally, unpack the deeperthoughts and emotions that come
up during it, normalize yourexperience so you stop shaming
yourself for caring, and alsoteach you the skill you need to
(04:35):
handle these moments withemotional resilience.
Now, this is a tender topic, butit's also an empowering one
because once you understandwhat's actually happening inside
of you, you'll be able to movethrough these moments with so
much more clarity, compassion,and groundedness.
So let's get into what a hopehangover actually is.
(04:59):
When I say hope hangover, I'mnot talking about drama or
heartbreak.
What I'm talking about is thatvery real emotional aftermath
that happens when you letyourself believe in possibility.
You met someone and they, theirpresence, how they show up, has
(05:27):
allowed you to get your hopesup.
And then you became emotionallyinvested, even if it was just
the tiniest bit.
You stopped acting like youdidn't give a F, right?
Like you actually started tonotice yourself feeling like you
(05:49):
do give an F.
Or you let your guard down.
And then the way things unfoldin your dynamic with the other
person doesn't actually go theway that you hoped it would go.
So a hope hangover is theemotional crash that comes after
(06:12):
the emotional lift.
And for many of us, what thisfeels like is disappointment,
confusion, replaying everymoment in our head,
overanalyzing what we said,embarrassment for caring,
self-doubt, emotionalexhaustion, questioning your
(06:34):
judgment, wondering if youmisread everything, or even
feeling ashamed for hoping.
And the reason it hit so hard isbecause the moment you hoped,
your the moment your heart wasinvolved and your nervous system
was involved, your vulnerabilitywas involved, right?
(06:54):
A hope hangover is the emotionalgap between what you felt and
what actually happened.
A hope hangover happens in thespace between two things.
One, the emotional experienceyou were having inside your mind
and body, what you felt, whatyou allowed yourself to believe,
(07:19):
what you imagined could happen,what you hoped was unfolding.
This also includes theexcitement, the anticipation,
the possibility, the belief, theemotional investment, the
openness, the softness youallowed yourself to feel.
(07:39):
It's everything you emotionallystepped into, even if quietly,
even if subtly.
And then there's two whatactually happened in reality,
how the situation reallyunfolded, what the other person
(07:59):
actually did or didn't do, theresponse you got back, or the
response you didn't get back,the way things played out versus
how you hoped they might.
And when those two experiencesdon't match, your nervous system
has to reconcile the difference.
(08:21):
That difference, that spacebetween the emotional world you
were living in and the externalreality you were met with is the
hope hangover.
It's the crash you feel when theinside doesn't match the
outside.
And let me make this more clear.
Let's say you met somebody andyou decided to put some skin in
(08:46):
the game and step into the arenaand actually hope and believe in
possibility.
On the inside, you may have feltexcitement, but on the outside,
the situation fizzled.
On the inside, you feltpossibility, but on the outside,
the communication didn'tcontinue.
(09:08):
On the inside, you feltconnection, but on the outside,
the person didn't show up withthe same energy.
On the inside, you felt open.
And on the outside, the outcomecompletely disappointed you.
Now, this mismatch creates anemotional drop, like your heart
(09:29):
was climbing a ladder, and themoment you realize the situation
wasn't what you hoped, you felldown a few rungs.
That fall, that emotionalcollision between inner and
outer is what produces thehangover.
And you'll be surprised to knowthat it's actually not the
(09:51):
situation itself.
It's not the person, it's notthe moment.
It's the discrepancy betweenyour emotional investment and
the emotional reality you wereconfronted with.
That gap is where thedisappointment lives.
That gap is where theoverthinking begins.
That gap is where theself-judgment forms.
(10:15):
That gap is where your oldstories about not being good
enough get triggered.
That gap is where the emotionalcrash happens.
The hangover is the gap.
And I want you to feel seen andheard right now.
(10:35):
And it's very important that itis acknowledged that that gap is
painful.
And it's not because you weredelusional or wrong, but because
hope requires emotionalexposure.
Now, one of the things that isimportant for you to deeply
(10:59):
understand is why hope feels soscary, why it feels so risky,
why it feels like something youshould avoid, and why even a
little bit of hope can feel liketoo much.
And the answer is because hoperequires emotional exposure.
(11:21):
To hope is to open your heart,lower your guard, let yourself
be visible, let yourself beaffected, believe in possibility
without guarantees.
And for someone who's been hurt,for someone who has had a
history of complicatedrelationships, that exposure
(11:45):
feels like walking into a room,actually, walking into the arena
without armor.
But let's go deeper because thispart really matters.
There's a deeper nuance aroundyour relationship history, or
even your familial history, orthe way that you witnessed
(12:10):
relationship relationshipsgrowing up that makes hope feel
even more dangerous for you.
Hope doesn't just feel riskybecause you're dramatic or
inexperienced, right?
Hope feels risky because youhave a track record, a history,
(12:31):
a lived memory of what happenedthe last time you let yourself
open up.
And for so many of us, for manyof us listening now, even a
previous version of myself, hopefeels threatening because in the
past, and mind you, this couldbe yesterday, this could be
(12:55):
childhood, this could be thatrelationship you had five years
ago.
The past is literally as recentas a second ago and as the time
you were born.
So there's a rich history,right, that is really impacting
(13:17):
the way you date now, but alsothe way you allow yourself to
hope.
So for many of us, hope feelsthreatening because in the past
you opened yourself up all theway, you poured into someone
with everything that you had,you believed in their potential,
you trusted their words.
(13:38):
This could be this could haveeven been a caretaker, right?
A parent, right?
You stayed loyal, you showed upconsistently, you chose them
fully, and then you discoveredthey were never going to choose
(13:59):
you back, they were not capableof changing, nor did they want
to.
They were emotionallyunavailable the whole entire
time.
They were playing you while youwere being sincere, they
breadcrumbed you, they took andtook and gave very little, they
(14:21):
kept you as an option, or theyblindsided you after you
invested deeply.
That kind of experience doesn'tjust go away, right?
It leaves an emotional wound.
And whether you consciouslythink about it or not, your
nervous system remembers whathappened.
(14:44):
So now when you feel hope again,even quietly, that wound gets
activated.
And it's not because hope is theproblem, but because your past
taught you that hope leads topain.
(15:05):
And here's where this becomesreally important for you because
it shows up differentlydepending on which version of
you is listening right now.
If you're the woman avoidingdating, your past taught you
when I care, I get hurt.
When I open up, I getblindsided.
(15:25):
When I hope, I end updisappointed.
So now, without even realizingit, you protect yourself by
staying emotionally neutral,keeping people at a distance,
not investing too much, choosingmen who don't require
vulnerability, performing Idon't care as a form of
(15:49):
self-defense, staying inlow-risk connections where
nothing is actually at stake.
You're not lacking interest,you're lacking safety.
Your past taught you thatstaying detached is safer than
hoping.
And it makes complete sense whyyou show up that way.
(16:12):
And if you're the woman sittingin a hope hangover right now,
your past taught you every timeI let myself believe, it ends
badly.
So when things don't unfold theway you imagined, your system
reacts like, here we go again.
I knew better than to care.
That's why this hangover feelsso intense for you.
(16:35):
You're not just grieving themoment, you're grieving every
time the storyline has repeateditself.
This is why the emotions feel sobig.
This is why the shame comes up.
This is why you're questioningyourself.
And this is why the crash feelsheavier than the situation
deserves.
You're not reacting to just thismoment.
(16:58):
You're reacting to the entireemotional history that this
moment activated.
So whether you're the woman whoavoids dating or the woman who
has just had her hopes shaken,you're being shaped by the same
emotional past.
One version of you shuts downbefore hope can even happen.
The other version of you crasheshard when hope arrives and
(17:20):
doesn't go as planned.
But both versions are respondingto the same wound.
The old belief that hope leadsto pain, so it's safer for me to
stay small, detached, orguarded.
And it's not because you'reweak, not because you don't want
love, and it's not becauseyou're too sensitive, but
(17:43):
because this is the only form ofemotional protection your
nervous system was ever taught.
So when you put all of thistogether, your emotional
history, the times you pouredinto the wrong people, the
moments you opened up just to belet down, the betrayal, the
disappointment, the rejection,the being unchosen, it makes
(18:06):
complete sense why hope feels sothreatening to you now.
And let's layer in some sciencehere, because this is where your
emotional history and your brainchemistry come together.
The science of why humans avoidemotions, why emotions feel
risky for us, right?
(18:28):
One thing about your brain thatI want you to that I'm I'm
driving as a point is that ourbrain's primary job is to help
us survive.
It really is a survival mastermachine.
It keeps us from accidentallywalking off the edge of a cliff.
(18:53):
It helps us scan environmentsfor danger so that we know
exactly what we're supposed todo next to keep ourselves safe,
right?
So it tries to keep you awayfrom anything that feels like
unpredictability, uncertainty,emotional risk, or potential
(19:15):
rejection.
And here's how that works.
One, your brain hatesunpredictability.
So if we're taking our examplein terms of hoping, right, or
hope, hope is actuallyunpredictable.
There are absolutely noguarantees when you allow
(19:38):
yourself to hope.
And your brain interprets thatunpredictability as dangerous.
Two, emotional pain is theequivalent to physical pain.
Believe it or not, but brainscans show emotional rejection
(19:59):
activates the same neuralpathways as physical injury.
So your brain avoids emotionalrisk as much as it possibly can.
It's instinctive.
Three, the brain prefersfamiliarity over possibility.
Now, this is what we callpredictive familiarity.
(20:21):
It means your brain feels saferin outcomes it has experienced
before before, even if they arepainful.
So if your past relationshipsinvolved disappointment,
rejection, betrayal, not beingchosen, inconsistent partners,
or emotional overfunctioning onyour behalf, your brain will
(20:42):
cling to that familiaritybecause it at least it knows
what to expect.
And side note, episode one ofthe podcast addresses that
nugget more in depth.
So if you need a little bit of arefresher, please go back and
listen to this first episode.
And lastly, number four, yournervous system stores emotional
(21:06):
pain.
Your body remembers every timeyou were blindsided, misled, or
overinvested in the wrongperson.
So hope actually becomes atrigger.
And it's not because you'reweak, but because your system,
your whole system, your mentalsystem, your emotional system,
your nervous system, right?
(21:27):
All of that is really trying toprotect you.
So now that you understand thescience behind why humans avoid
emotions, the unpredictability,the fear of emotional pain, the
need for familiarity, and thenervous system storing,
emotional history.
(21:47):
Let's tie this into why avoidinghope and avoiding the
possibility of a hope hangoveris quietly keeping you single.
Because here's the truth (21:56):
you're not avoiding dating.
You're avoiding emotionalexposure.
You're avoiding thevulnerability that comes with
letting something matter.
You're avoiding the possibilityof disappointment before it even
exists.
(22:17):
You're avoiding the hopehangover, the emotional crash
that you felt so many timesbefore.
And the way your brain tries toprotect you ends up creating the
exact outcome you don't want.
And taking this one layerdeeper, because it's not just
the avoidance of the hope thatkeeps you single, it's also the
(22:40):
way you respond when the hopehangover hits.
They're two sides of the samecoin, and both are shaping your
dating life more than yourealize.
So here are a few of the waysthat avoiding hope or the hope
hangover are keeping you single.
(23:04):
Number one, avoiding hope keepsyou emotionally unavailable.
When you avoid hope, what you'rereally avoiding is emotional
participation.
And I know that you're smart.
Dating and relationships requirea hundred percent emotional
(23:30):
participation.
So what this would look like isin terms of avoiding emotional
participation, is you'rephysically on the date, but
emotionally you're still in thewaiting room.
This may look like you stayingneutral, staying guarded,
staying observational, stayingcool, keeping your heart behind
(23:56):
glass, showing a version ofyourself that cannot get hurt,
choosing low effort men becausethey don't require
vulnerability, keeping thingslight so nothing matters too
much.
This creates a very specificdating dynamic.
(24:16):
Healthy men interpret you asunavailable, and emotionally
unavailable men interpret you asperfect because you require
nothing.
So you end up bonding with thewrong men and repelling the
right ones without evenrealizing it's happening.
(24:37):
When you avoid hope, your datinglife has no emotional depth
because you aren't bringing it.
Number two, the fear of the hopehangover makes you choose safety
over connection.
You're not choosing men based oncompatibility, you're choosing
(25:00):
men based on how littleemotional risk they pose.
He's inconsistent, safe becauseyou won't fall for him.
He's not emotionally available,safe because you know where it's
going.
He's putting in low effort, safebecause your heart won't get
(25:21):
involved.
He's someone you're notgenuinely excited about, safe
because you'll never expectmuch.
This isn't preference, this issurvival.
When you fear the hope hangover,you choose relationships that
don't have the capacity toemotionally touch you, which
(25:43):
means you can't get hurt, butyou also can't get chosen in the
way you're craving.
Number three, the hope hangoveritself keeps you single.
And here's the part most womendon't realize it's not just
avoiding hope that keeps yousingle, it's also how you
(26:04):
respond when hope does happenand the emotional crash shows
up.
Because when the hope hangoverhits, your system goes into
self-blame, spiraling, shame,overthinking, misinterpreting
the moment, shutting down,withdrawing, disappearing
(26:26):
emotionally, or cutting theperson off entirely.
You react like thedisappointment is a diagnosis
instead of a moment.
You probably tell yourself, Iwas stupid for caring.
This is exactly why I don'tdate.
I knew better than to believethis.
(26:47):
I should have protected myselfmore.
This confirms everything Ifeared.
And because you don't have aprocess for handling the
emotional aftermath, yourinstinct, your instinct becomes
to retreat.
Retreat from dating, retreatfrom connection, retreat from
(27:08):
men, retreat from visibility,retreat from trying altogether.
And with every retreat, yourdating life shrinks a little
more until eventually you aredating from a place of fear,
self-protection, emotionaldetachment, and internal
shutdown.
Here's the truth (27:27):
you can't build a healthy relationship
from a place where you'reconstantly trying to protect
yourself from your own emotions.
Number four, avoiding thehangover creates a closed loop
system.
Your avoidance and yourhangovers create a cycle.
(27:49):
You hope, you feel exposed.
Something doesn't match, youcrash emotionally, you shame
yourself, you retreat, you dateless, you protect more, you
avoid hope, you avoidconnection, you stay single.
Your nervous system thinks it'skeeping you safe, but in
(28:10):
reality, it's keeping youisolated.
You're not being rejected bymen, you're being rejected by
your fear of emotional exposure.
And number five, the realproblem isn't hope.
It's your relationship with theaftermath, the hangover.
This is the part I want you tohear clearly.
(28:33):
It's not the hope that's hurtingyou, it's not the belief, it's
not the possibility, it's notthe emotional openness, it's the
aftershock of disappointment,the hope hangover that shakes
you so deeply that you wouldrather never feel hope again.
But when you avoid the hangover,you avoid the very experience
(28:57):
required to build intimacy.
Hope is the doorway toconnection, the hangover is the
maintenance room, and you needboth to get to a healthy
relationship.
Avoiding either one keeps youstuck.
And six, this is why you'restill single.
Not because you're unlovable,not because there are no good
(29:20):
men, and not because you'redoing anything wrong, but
because you are avoidingemotional exposure, avoiding
vulnerability, avoidingpossibility, avoiding the
discomfort required forconnection, and avoiding the
emotional waves that come withdating real humans.
(29:42):
You're not avoiding dating,you're avoiding yourself in
dating.
And this is exactly why the nextpart matters so much.
Because avoiding emotions keepsyou single, but learning how to
respond to them is what makeslove possible.
So here's the part I reallywant.
You to hear.
A hope hangover is not a signthat something went wrong.
(30:05):
It's not proof you misread thesituation.
It's not evidence that you'reunlovable or foolish.
It's also not a warning to shutdown.
A hope hangover is simply a partof dating.
The same way sore muscles arepart of working out.
If you are emotionallyparticipating in your dating
(30:26):
life, if you're letting yourselfbe visible, if you're allowing
possibility, if you're showingup with heart, you will
sometimes be disappointed.
You will sometimes feelconfused.
You will sometimes have anemotional dip.
And you will also sometimes feelthat crash after a moment of
(30:48):
hope.
Not because you're unlucky, butbecause you're human.
(31:14):
And when you radically acceptthat this is simply part of the
journey, the hope hangover stopsbecoming something to fear.
Well, it stops being somethingto fear and stops being
something you use as a reason toavoid hope altogether.
Because now you understand, oh,this is just part of the
(31:38):
process.
This is supposed to happensometimes.
Nothing has gone wrong.
I'm not doing anything wrong.
And when you aren't terrified ofthe hangover, you stop avoiding
hope.
You stop avoiding connection.
You stop avoiding vulnerabilityand showing up fully.
(32:01):
This is where the love-buildingskill comes in because the goal
is not to avoid the hopehangover.
The goal is to know how tohandle it, to know what to do in
the aftermath, to know how torespond to yourself when your
emotions dip, to tend toyourself in a way that keeps you
(32:24):
grounded instead of shuttingdown.
Because when you have the skillto navigate the inevitable
emotional waves, dating stopsfeeling like a threat and starts
feeling like something you'reactually equipped to move
through.
This skill is what turns thehope hangover from something
that derails you into somethingyou can handle with compassion,
(32:49):
resilience, and clarity.
And that is the skill that helpsyou find and keep a healthy
relationship, a real, secure,emotionally fulfilling
relationship, 100% dating appfree.
And that skill is what I callbecoming an emotional first
(33:11):
responder.
Becoming an emotional firstresponder is such a valuable
love-building skill, and it willcompletely change the way you
date, the way you move throughdisappointment, and the way you
stay open long enough for ahealthy relationship to actually
form in your life.
(33:33):
And you're probably wondering,all right, so what is this?
What does it mean?
So we'll get right into it.
An emotional first responder isthe part of you that tends to
the part of you who's hurting.
She's the version of you whoknows how to show up for, the
disappointed version of you, theconfused version of you, the
(33:56):
hopeful version of you who gotlet down, the embarrassed
version of you, the part of youthat feels ashamed, the part of
you that feels unworthy, theoverthinking, spiraling part of
you.
She doesn't shame you, shedoesn't shut you down, she
doesn't say, see, this is why wedon't date.
(34:20):
She steps in, she steadies you,she responds to you, she
reassures you, she helps youprocess what you're feeling, and
she brings you back intoemotional alignment so you don't
abandon yourself or your goal ofhaving that healthy relationship
(34:42):
that you so deeply desire inyour life.
And the better you get attending to yourself here in the
emotional aftermath, the morelikely you are to continue
hoping, continue believing,continue showing up, and
continue having skin in thegame, the less likely you are to
(35:04):
shut down out of fear of everfeeling this way again.
This is a skill that separateswomen who keep repeating the
same cycle from women who findand keep real healthy love.
Because when you know how totake care of yourself in the
moments that feel the hardest,you no longer fear the moments,
(35:24):
you no longer avoid the journey,you no longer treat dating like
a threat, you no longer letdisappointment become a dead
end.
This skill changes everything.
So if becoming an emotionalfirst responder is the skill,
the next question is okay, buthow do I actually do that?
Because it's one thing tounderstand the concept, but it's
(35:47):
another thing to know how toapply it.
On a Tuesday night when you'respiraling, or when that text
doesn't come through, or whenyour hope dips, or when your
emotions are louder than yourlogic.
You need something simple,something grounded, something
you can remember in the moment,something that helps you tend to
yourself instead of abandoningyourself.
(36:09):
And this is where the frameworkcomes in.
I want to give you a simple,practical way to emotionally
first respond to yourself sothat the hope hangover doesn't
scare you, doesn't shut youdown, and doesn't keep you from
continuing to show up for love.
This is how you begin to becomethe woman who knows how to
navigate the emotional waveswithout letting them take her
(36:31):
out.
So let's walk through the simplethree-step framework for
becoming your own emotionalfirst responder.
Step one, notice and name.
Here you're going to learn howto separate what actually
happened from what you're makingit mean.
And we're going to walk throughthis with a real example from a
(36:53):
real client so you can see itclearly.
And this may be something thatyou have experienced yourself or
may be experiencing now.
I had a client who'd beentalking to a guy consistently
every single day.
Good morning, text, littlecheck-ins.
It feels steady and consistent.
And then one day, nothing.
(37:14):
No text, no hey, no explanation,just silence.
Most women go into an emotionalspiral, just like my client had.
(38:08):
Or he didn't text today.
That is what's real.
That is what is observable.
It is just data.
But your brain probably doesn'tstop at the fact, it races ahead
to meaning, just like it, justlike my client did.
(38:29):
He's lost interest, he's talkingto someone else.
I shouldn't have gotten my hopesup.
I did something wrong.
This always happens to me.
I'm not enough.
So step one is you naming this.
The fact is, he didn't texttoday.
The meaning I'm assigning is I'mnot enough.
(38:52):
He's pulling away.
I messed this up.
Why this step matters?
Well, most of your emotionalpain in that moment isn't coming
from the fact that he didn'ttext you today.
Even with my client, I had toexplain to her that her
(39:14):
emotional pain in the hopehangover wasn't coming from that
moment.
It wasn't coming from the event.
It was coming from the story sheattached to the event, right?
It's coming from the story youattach to the event.
When you separate what actuallyhappened from what you're making
(39:35):
it mean, you create spacebetween you and the story.
That space is important.
You stop treating your thoughtslike facts, and you step out of
autopilot and into awareness.
You give yourself the ability tosee, oh, I'm reacting to the
(39:57):
meaning I'm assigning to this,not just the moment.
That awareness is powerful.
It's what gives you theconsciousness to break the
pattern instead of unconsciouslyrepeating it.
Most of us don't know that weare unconsciously stirring up an
(40:19):
emotional storm inside of us andforcing ourselves to feel
emotions that feel terrible,right?
Because of the meaning we attachto the factual, objective things
that happen in our dating life.
Being able to separate yourselfaway from that is so powerful.
(40:44):
Step two, feel.
Now, let yourself feel theemotions that come up without
shaming or shutting down.
Once you've named the meaning,you're going to feel it in your
body.
If your brain decided hissilence means he's losing
interest, I did something wrong,I wasn't enough, of course,
(41:06):
you're going to feel anxious,disappointed, embarrassed,
insecure, sad, and rejected.
Those emotions make sense giventhe meaning your mind created.
This step is about lettingyourself actually feel that
instead of shutting down,pretending you don't care,
(41:31):
shaming yourself for being toosensitive, or even immediately
trying to fix or control thesituation.
You might say to yourself, Ofcourse I feel this way.
I liked him.
I was hopeful.
This matters to me.
Let whatever feeling comes upmove through your body.
Notice where it sits.
(41:53):
Breathe into it.
Allow the wave without making itmean something about your worth.
Why does this step matter?
Because your feelings are notthe problem.
Avoiding your feelings is theproblem.
When you don't let yourself feelthe emotion, it gets stuck and
(42:14):
turns into an ongoing anxiety,shutdown, or bitterness.
It gets stored in your nervoussystem as proof that dating
isn't safe for you.
And it also makes you morelikely to react from fear.
Text from panic, lashing out,pulling away, ghosting in
return.
When you do let yourself feel,the emotional charge actually
(42:36):
moves through you instead ofcamping out.
Your nervous system learns I canfeel this and survive it.
You build emotional enduranceand resilience, which is vital
for dating.
Being in the dating arenarequires emotional endurance and
resilience.
And lastly, you make the hopehangover less scary because
(42:59):
you've shown yourself you canhandle it.
Feeling your feelings is whatprevents a moment of
disappointment from being along-term emotional block and
setback.
And the last step, three,choose.
Decide what you want this momentto mean from your grounded self,
not your wounded self.
(43:21):
Once you've named the story andallowed yourself to feel the
emotions, you're no longerreacting from raw fear or hurt.
You're more grounded becauseyou're more aware.
This is where you get to ask,okay, now that I understand what
I'm making it mean and how thatmeaning is making me feel, and
(43:43):
I'm clear, what do I want thisto mean?
From this grounded space whereyou have the ability to
objectively see yourself in thatmoment from the version of you
who's growing into the woman whocan hold herself and stay open
(44:04):
to love, using the example,right, that we previously spoken
about.
Fact, he didn't text today.
Old meaning is he's done withme.
I wasn't enough.
I'm stupid for hoping.
Now, new chosen meaning mightlook like he didn't text today.
People get busy, I'll watch whathe does next.
(44:26):
If he becomes inconsistent,that's good information for me
about his capacity.
This is disappointing, and I'mstill deserving of love.
One quiet day doesn't define myvalue.
I can feel this dip and stillkeep showing up for the kind of
(44:47):
love I want.
Now, why does this step matter?
Because the meaning you decideto carry forward determines
whether you keep your heart openor quietly shut it down, whether
you keep dating from possibilityor from fear, whether you trust
yourself more or less, whetheryou see this as a data point or
(45:08):
a personal failure, if you don'tconsciously choose the meaning,
your brain will default to yourold programming.
See, you're not enough.
This always happens to you.
You shouldn't have hoped.
And that is what keeps you stuckin the same emotional loops.
When you choose the meaning, youreclaim your agency.
(45:33):
You stop letting every bump inthe road become a full-on
identity crisis.
You create a new pattern wheredisappointment is something you
move through, not live inside.
You're way more likely to stayin the dating process instead of
quitting every time somethinghurts.
This is how you become the womanwho can experience a whole
(45:56):
hangover without letting itconvince her to abandon her
desire for love.
So this is the work.
This is what it looks like tobecome your own emotional first
responder.
Not by avoiding discomfort, notby pretending you don't care,
and not by shutting down everytime something feels tender, but
(46:21):
by meeting yourself in the exactmoment your old patterns want to
take over.
When you can slow down enough toseparate the facts from the
meaning, when you can letyourself actually feel the
emotion instead of running fromit, and when you can choose what
this moment gets to mean for youmoving forward, you stop being
(46:44):
afraid of the hope hangover.
You stop seeing disappointmentas personal failure.
You stop treating everyemotional dip like a sign you
should give up.
You stop abandoning yourself themoment things don't go
perfectly.
And instead, you become thewoman who knows how to hold
herself through the messy,human, and perfect parts of
(47:06):
dating, which, by the way, arethe same emotional skills you
will use inside a real healthyrelationship.
Because love, the kind of loveyou want, isn't built on
perfection.
It's built on emotionalpresence, it's built on
resilience, it's built onstaying open even when it would
(47:29):
be easier to shut down.
It's built on knowing how tonavigate your internal world so
you can actually let someone in.
And when you can do that, datingstops feeling like a threat.
Hope stops feeling like danger,and connection becomes something
you can actually participate inwithout losing yourself or
(47:52):
living in fear of the nextemotional wave.
This is how you build theemotional capacity to find and
keep a healthy relationship, arelationship that meets you,
chooses you, and grows with you100% dating app free.
All right, my love.
(48:13):
I hope you have an amazing,fabulous rest of your day.
I hope this helped, and I'lltalk to you soon.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Are you ready to find and keeplove and tired of wasting time
and energy on things that justaren't working?
(48:34):
If so, I want to invite you tojoin my membership.
Find and keep a healthyrelationship 100% dating app
free.
This membership provides weeklydating success sessions designed
to emotionally support you inthe moments you get in your head
and give you expert guidancetailored to your unique
situation.
(48:55):
You'll also get access toworkshops and courses designed
to empower you with thelove-building skills to make
finding and keeping love thisyear inevitable.
If what you're learning on thispodcast is helping, imagine
what's possible when you take itto the next level.
This membership is designed towork when nothing else has,
(49:17):
saving you time, energy, andheartache.
Ready to get started?
The link to join us is in theshow notes.
I cannot wait to support you!
Welcome to Why You're Still Single, the podcast
and your go-to dating resourceto help you find and keep a
healthy loving relationship 100%dating app free.
I'm Stephanie Mariani,professional matchmaker and
master certified dating coach,and here you'll get proven
(00:21):
expert level guidance to uncoverthe blind spots that make
finding love almost impossible.
Tune in bi-weekly to learnlove-building skills that get
your relationship ready andcreate unshakable
self-confidence.
You're empowered in the datingarena.
Finally I keep extraordinarylove.
(00:48):
If you're ready to break up withdating, hello.
Good morning, good afternoon,good evening, good night.
Whatever time of day you'relistening to, I want to welcome
you to the podcast.
(01:08):
I am so happy that you're here.
And I'm also so happy to be herewith you.
As always, I would like toencourage you to take notes just
because when you take notes, youare more likely to implement
what you're learning here.
(01:29):
And when you implement whatyou're learning here, you
increase the likelihood offinding and keeping a healthy
relationship this year 100%dating app free.
All right, let's talk aboutsomething almost nobody wants to
admit out loud, but so many ofus have experienced, and this
(01:56):
might be a little bit of avulnerable subject today, but I
think it's very important for usto discuss it.
And if you're listening rightnow, there is a good chance that
you're either sitting in one ofthese two places.
One, you're quietly avoidingdating.
(02:17):
You're not showing up fully,you're kind of seeing what
happens, but your heart isn'tactually participating.
You're holding back, keeping itcasual, staying detached, almost
like you don't want to care toomuch.
Or you did let yourself carerecently, you allowed a little
(02:40):
bit of belief to creep in andhoped for something, even if it
was just a small possibility,and now you're sitting in the
emotional crash afterward,feeling tender, a little
embarrassed, maybe even ashamedthat you let yourself hope at
(03:00):
all.
And if either of those are you,then you are either in what I
call a hope hangover, or you aretrying to avoid a hope hangover.
(03:20):
Now, I'm gonna get more in depthwith this in the episode, but
basically, a hope hangover isthe emotional aftermath of
believing in possibility, right?
And then having to sit with whatcomes up when it doesn't unfold
(03:45):
the way you imagined it would.
And here's the thing (03:48):
most women, or most of us, try to
avoid this feeling altogether.
Or we don't know what to do whenwe're in it.
And that's exactly what we'regoing to talk about today.
So, today's episode is going tohelp you understand deeply what
(04:12):
a hope hangover really is, seewhy it hits you so hard
emotionally, unpack the deeperthoughts and emotions that come
up during it, normalize yourexperience so you stop shaming
yourself for caring, and alsoteach you the skill you need to
(04:35):
handle these moments withemotional resilience.
Now, this is a tender topic, butit's also an empowering one
because once you understandwhat's actually happening inside
of you, you'll be able to movethrough these moments with so
much more clarity, compassion,and groundedness.
So let's get into what a hopehangover actually is.
(04:59):
When I say hope hangover, I'mnot talking about drama or
heartbreak.
What I'm talking about is thatvery real emotional aftermath
that happens when you letyourself believe in possibility.
You met someone and they, theirpresence, how they show up, has
(05:27):
allowed you to get your hopesup.
And then you became emotionallyinvested, even if it was just
the tiniest bit.
You stopped acting like youdidn't give a F, right?
Like you actually started tonotice yourself feeling like you
(05:49):
do give an F.
Or you let your guard down.
And then the way things unfoldin your dynamic with the other
person doesn't actually go theway that you hoped it would go.
So a hope hangover is theemotional crash that comes after
(06:12):
the emotional lift.
And for many of us, what thisfeels like is disappointment,
confusion, replaying everymoment in our head,
overanalyzing what we said,embarrassment for caring,
self-doubt, emotionalexhaustion, questioning your
(06:34):
judgment, wondering if youmisread everything, or even
feeling ashamed for hoping.
And the reason it hit so hard isbecause the moment you hoped,
your the moment your heart wasinvolved and your nervous system
was involved, your vulnerabilitywas involved, right?
(06:54):
A hope hangover is the emotionalgap between what you felt and
what actually happened.
A hope hangover happens in thespace between two things.
One, the emotional experienceyou were having inside your mind
and body, what you felt, whatyou allowed yourself to believe,
(07:19):
what you imagined could happen,what you hoped was unfolding.
This also includes theexcitement, the anticipation,
the possibility, the belief, theemotional investment, the
openness, the softness youallowed yourself to feel.
(07:39):
It's everything you emotionallystepped into, even if quietly,
even if subtly.
And then there's two whatactually happened in reality,
how the situation reallyunfolded, what the other person
(07:59):
actually did or didn't do, theresponse you got back, or the
response you didn't get back,the way things played out versus
how you hoped they might.
And when those two experiencesdon't match, your nervous system
has to reconcile the difference.
(08:21):
That difference, that spacebetween the emotional world you
were living in and the externalreality you were met with is the
hope hangover.
It's the crash you feel when theinside doesn't match the
outside.
And let me make this more clear.
Let's say you met somebody andyou decided to put some skin in
(08:46):
the game and step into the arenaand actually hope and believe in
possibility.
On the inside, you may have feltexcitement, but on the outside,
the situation fizzled.
On the inside, you feltpossibility, but on the outside,
the communication didn'tcontinue.
(09:08):
On the inside, you feltconnection, but on the outside,
the person didn't show up withthe same energy.
On the inside, you felt open.
And on the outside, the outcomecompletely disappointed you.
Now, this mismatch creates anemotional drop, like your heart
(09:29):
was climbing a ladder, and themoment you realize the situation
wasn't what you hoped, you felldown a few rungs.
That fall, that emotionalcollision between inner and
outer is what produces thehangover.
And you'll be surprised to knowthat it's actually not the
(09:51):
situation itself.
It's not the person, it's notthe moment.
It's the discrepancy betweenyour emotional investment and
the emotional reality you wereconfronted with.
That gap is where thedisappointment lives.
That gap is where theoverthinking begins.
That gap is where theself-judgment forms.
(10:15):
That gap is where your oldstories about not being good
enough get triggered.
That gap is where the emotionalcrash happens.
The hangover is the gap.
And I want you to feel seen andheard right now.
(10:35):
And it's very important that itis acknowledged that that gap is
painful.
And it's not because you weredelusional or wrong, but because
hope requires emotionalexposure.
Now, one of the things that isimportant for you to deeply
(10:59):
understand is why hope feels soscary, why it feels so risky,
why it feels like something youshould avoid, and why even a
little bit of hope can feel liketoo much.
And the answer is because hoperequires emotional exposure.
(11:21):
To hope is to open your heart,lower your guard, let yourself
be visible, let yourself beaffected, believe in possibility
without guarantees.
And for someone who's been hurt,for someone who has had a
history of complicatedrelationships, that exposure
(11:45):
feels like walking into a room,actually, walking into the arena
without armor.
But let's go deeper because thispart really matters.
There's a deeper nuance aroundyour relationship history, or
even your familial history, orthe way that you witnessed
(12:10):
relationship relationshipsgrowing up that makes hope feel
even more dangerous for you.
Hope doesn't just feel riskybecause you're dramatic or
inexperienced, right?
Hope feels risky because youhave a track record, a history,
(12:31):
a lived memory of what happenedthe last time you let yourself
open up.
And for so many of us, for manyof us listening now, even a
previous version of myself, hopefeels threatening because in the
past, and mind you, this couldbe yesterday, this could be
(12:55):
childhood, this could be thatrelationship you had five years
ago.
The past is literally as recentas a second ago and as the time
you were born.
So there's a rich history,right, that is really impacting
(13:17):
the way you date now, but alsothe way you allow yourself to
hope.
So for many of us, hope feelsthreatening because in the past
you opened yourself up all theway, you poured into someone
with everything that you had,you believed in their potential,
you trusted their words.
(13:38):
This could be this could haveeven been a caretaker, right?
A parent, right?
You stayed loyal, you showed upconsistently, you chose them
fully, and then you discoveredthey were never going to choose
(13:59):
you back, they were not capableof changing, nor did they want
to.
They were emotionallyunavailable the whole entire
time.
They were playing you while youwere being sincere, they
breadcrumbed you, they took andtook and gave very little, they
(14:21):
kept you as an option, or theyblindsided you after you
invested deeply.
That kind of experience doesn'tjust go away, right?
It leaves an emotional wound.
And whether you consciouslythink about it or not, your
nervous system remembers whathappened.
(14:44):
So now when you feel hope again,even quietly, that wound gets
activated.
And it's not because hope is theproblem, but because your past
taught you that hope leads topain.
(15:05):
And here's where this becomesreally important for you because
it shows up differentlydepending on which version of
you is listening right now.
If you're the woman avoidingdating, your past taught you
when I care, I get hurt.
When I open up, I getblindsided.
(15:25):
When I hope, I end updisappointed.
So now, without even realizingit, you protect yourself by
staying emotionally neutral,keeping people at a distance,
not investing too much, choosingmen who don't require
vulnerability, performing Idon't care as a form of
(15:49):
self-defense, staying inlow-risk connections where
nothing is actually at stake.
You're not lacking interest,you're lacking safety.
Your past taught you thatstaying detached is safer than
hoping.
And it makes complete sense whyyou show up that way.
(16:12):
And if you're the woman sittingin a hope hangover right now,
your past taught you every timeI let myself believe, it ends
badly.
So when things don't unfold theway you imagined, your system
reacts like, here we go again.
I knew better than to care.
That's why this hangover feelsso intense for you.
(16:35):
You're not just grieving themoment, you're grieving every
time the storyline has repeateditself.
This is why the emotions feel sobig.
This is why the shame comes up.
This is why you're questioningyourself.
And this is why the crash feelsheavier than the situation
deserves.
You're not reacting to just thismoment.
(16:58):
You're reacting to the entireemotional history that this
moment activated.
So whether you're the woman whoavoids dating or the woman who
has just had her hopes shaken,you're being shaped by the same
emotional past.
One version of you shuts downbefore hope can even happen.
The other version of you crasheshard when hope arrives and
(17:20):
doesn't go as planned.
But both versions are respondingto the same wound.
The old belief that hope leadsto pain, so it's safer for me to
stay small, detached, orguarded.
And it's not because you'reweak, not because you don't want
love, and it's not becauseyou're too sensitive, but
(17:43):
because this is the only form ofemotional protection your
nervous system was ever taught.
So when you put all of thistogether, your emotional
history, the times you pouredinto the wrong people, the
moments you opened up just to belet down, the betrayal, the
disappointment, the rejection,the being unchosen, it makes
(18:06):
complete sense why hope feels sothreatening to you now.
And let's layer in some sciencehere, because this is where your
emotional history and your brainchemistry come together.
The science of why humans avoidemotions, why emotions feel
risky for us, right?
(18:28):
One thing about your brain thatI want you to that I'm I'm
driving as a point is that ourbrain's primary job is to help
us survive.
It really is a survival mastermachine.
It keeps us from accidentallywalking off the edge of a cliff.
(18:53):
It helps us scan environmentsfor danger so that we know
exactly what we're supposed todo next to keep ourselves safe,
right?
So it tries to keep you awayfrom anything that feels like
unpredictability, uncertainty,emotional risk, or potential
(19:15):
rejection.
And here's how that works.
One, your brain hatesunpredictability.
So if we're taking our examplein terms of hoping, right, or
hope, hope is actuallyunpredictable.
There are absolutely noguarantees when you allow
(19:38):
yourself to hope.
And your brain interprets thatunpredictability as dangerous.
Two, emotional pain is theequivalent to physical pain.
Believe it or not, but brainscans show emotional rejection
(19:59):
activates the same neuralpathways as physical injury.
So your brain avoids emotionalrisk as much as it possibly can.
It's instinctive.
Three, the brain prefersfamiliarity over possibility.
Now, this is what we callpredictive familiarity.
(20:21):
It means your brain feels saferin outcomes it has experienced
before before, even if they arepainful.
So if your past relationshipsinvolved disappointment,
rejection, betrayal, not beingchosen, inconsistent partners,
or emotional overfunctioning onyour behalf, your brain will
(20:42):
cling to that familiaritybecause it at least it knows
what to expect.
And side note, episode one ofthe podcast addresses that
nugget more in depth.
So if you need a little bit of arefresher, please go back and
listen to this first episode.
And lastly, number four, yournervous system stores emotional
(21:06):
pain.
Your body remembers every timeyou were blindsided, misled, or
overinvested in the wrongperson.
So hope actually becomes atrigger.
And it's not because you'reweak, but because your system,
your whole system, your mentalsystem, your emotional system,
your nervous system, right?
(21:27):
All of that is really trying toprotect you.
So now that you understand thescience behind why humans avoid
emotions, the unpredictability,the fear of emotional pain, the
need for familiarity, and thenervous system storing,
emotional history.
(21:47):
Let's tie this into why avoidinghope and avoiding the
possibility of a hope hangoveris quietly keeping you single.
Because here's the truth (21:56):
you're not avoiding dating.
You're avoiding emotionalexposure.
You're avoiding thevulnerability that comes with
letting something matter.
You're avoiding the possibilityof disappointment before it even
exists.
(22:17):
You're avoiding the hopehangover, the emotional crash
that you felt so many timesbefore.
And the way your brain tries toprotect you ends up creating the
exact outcome you don't want.
And taking this one layerdeeper, because it's not just
the avoidance of the hope thatkeeps you single, it's also the
(22:40):
way you respond when the hopehangover hits.
They're two sides of the samecoin, and both are shaping your
dating life more than yourealize.
So here are a few of the waysthat avoiding hope or the hope
hangover are keeping you single.
(23:04):
Number one, avoiding hope keepsyou emotionally unavailable.
When you avoid hope, what you'rereally avoiding is emotional
participation.
And I know that you're smart.
Dating and relationships requirea hundred percent emotional
(23:30):
participation.
So what this would look like isin terms of avoiding emotional
participation, is you'rephysically on the date, but
emotionally you're still in thewaiting room.
This may look like you stayingneutral, staying guarded,
staying observational, stayingcool, keeping your heart behind
(23:56):
glass, showing a version ofyourself that cannot get hurt,
choosing low effort men becausethey don't require
vulnerability, keeping thingslight so nothing matters too
much.
This creates a very specificdating dynamic.
(24:16):
Healthy men interpret you asunavailable, and emotionally
unavailable men interpret you asperfect because you require
nothing.
So you end up bonding with thewrong men and repelling the
right ones without evenrealizing it's happening.
(24:37):
When you avoid hope, your datinglife has no emotional depth
because you aren't bringing it.
Number two, the fear of the hopehangover makes you choose safety
over connection.
You're not choosing men based oncompatibility, you're choosing
(25:00):
men based on how littleemotional risk they pose.
He's inconsistent, safe becauseyou won't fall for him.
He's not emotionally available,safe because you know where it's
going.
He's putting in low effort, safebecause your heart won't get
(25:21):
involved.
He's someone you're notgenuinely excited about, safe
because you'll never expectmuch.
This isn't preference, this issurvival.
When you fear the hope hangover,you choose relationships that
don't have the capacity toemotionally touch you, which
(25:43):
means you can't get hurt, butyou also can't get chosen in the
way you're craving.
Number three, the hope hangoveritself keeps you single.
And here's the part most womendon't realize it's not just
avoiding hope that keeps yousingle, it's also how you
(26:04):
respond when hope does happenand the emotional crash shows
up.
Because when the hope hangoverhits, your system goes into
self-blame, spiraling, shame,overthinking, misinterpreting
the moment, shutting down,withdrawing, disappearing
(26:26):
emotionally, or cutting theperson off entirely.
You react like thedisappointment is a diagnosis
instead of a moment.
You probably tell yourself, Iwas stupid for caring.
This is exactly why I don'tdate.
I knew better than to believethis.
(26:47):
I should have protected myselfmore.
This confirms everything Ifeared.
And because you don't have aprocess for handling the
emotional aftermath, yourinstinct, your instinct becomes
to retreat.
Retreat from dating, retreatfrom connection, retreat from
(27:08):
men, retreat from visibility,retreat from trying altogether.
And with every retreat, yourdating life shrinks a little
more until eventually you aredating from a place of fear,
self-protection, emotionaldetachment, and internal
shutdown.
Here's the truth (27:27):
you can't build a healthy relationship
from a place where you'reconstantly trying to protect
yourself from your own emotions.
Number four, avoiding thehangover creates a closed loop
system.
Your avoidance and yourhangovers create a cycle.
(27:49):
You hope, you feel exposed.
Something doesn't match, youcrash emotionally, you shame
yourself, you retreat, you dateless, you protect more, you
avoid hope, you avoidconnection, you stay single.
Your nervous system thinks it'skeeping you safe, but in
(28:10):
reality, it's keeping youisolated.
You're not being rejected bymen, you're being rejected by
your fear of emotional exposure.
And number five, the realproblem isn't hope.
It's your relationship with theaftermath, the hangover.
This is the part I want you tohear clearly.
(28:33):
It's not the hope that's hurtingyou, it's not the belief, it's
not the possibility, it's notthe emotional openness, it's the
aftershock of disappointment,the hope hangover that shakes
you so deeply that you wouldrather never feel hope again.
But when you avoid the hangover,you avoid the very experience
(28:57):
required to build intimacy.
Hope is the doorway toconnection, the hangover is the
maintenance room, and you needboth to get to a healthy
relationship.
Avoiding either one keeps youstuck.
And six, this is why you'restill single.
Not because you're unlovable,not because there are no good
(29:20):
men, and not because you'redoing anything wrong, but
because you are avoidingemotional exposure, avoiding
vulnerability, avoidingpossibility, avoiding the
discomfort required forconnection, and avoiding the
emotional waves that come withdating real humans.
(29:42):
You're not avoiding dating,you're avoiding yourself in
dating.
And this is exactly why the nextpart matters so much.
Because avoiding emotions keepsyou single, but learning how to
respond to them is what makeslove possible.
So here's the part I reallywant.
You to hear.
A hope hangover is not a signthat something went wrong.
(30:05):
It's not proof you misread thesituation.
It's not evidence that you'reunlovable or foolish.
It's also not a warning to shutdown.
A hope hangover is simply a partof dating.
The same way sore muscles arepart of working out.
If you are emotionallyparticipating in your dating
(30:26):
life, if you're letting yourselfbe visible, if you're allowing
possibility, if you're showingup with heart, you will
sometimes be disappointed.
You will sometimes feelconfused.
You will sometimes have anemotional dip.
And you will also sometimes feelthat crash after a moment of
(30:48):
hope.
Not because you're unlucky, butbecause you're human.
(31:14):
And when you radically acceptthat this is simply part of the
journey, the hope hangover stopsbecoming something to fear.
Well, it stops being somethingto fear and stops being
something you use as a reason toavoid hope altogether.
Because now you understand, oh,this is just part of the
(31:38):
process.
This is supposed to happensometimes.
Nothing has gone wrong.
I'm not doing anything wrong.
And when you aren't terrified ofthe hangover, you stop avoiding
hope.
You stop avoiding connection.
You stop avoiding vulnerabilityand showing up fully.
(32:01):
This is where the love-buildingskill comes in because the goal
is not to avoid the hopehangover.
The goal is to know how tohandle it, to know what to do in
the aftermath, to know how torespond to yourself when your
emotions dip, to tend toyourself in a way that keeps you
(32:24):
grounded instead of shuttingdown.
Because when you have the skillto navigate the inevitable
emotional waves, dating stopsfeeling like a threat and starts
feeling like something you'reactually equipped to move
through.
This skill is what turns thehope hangover from something
that derails you into somethingyou can handle with compassion,
(32:49):
resilience, and clarity.
And that is the skill that helpsyou find and keep a healthy
relationship, a real, secure,emotionally fulfilling
relationship, 100% dating appfree.
And that skill is what I callbecoming an emotional first
(33:11):
responder.
Becoming an emotional firstresponder is such a valuable
love-building skill, and it willcompletely change the way you
date, the way you move throughdisappointment, and the way you
stay open long enough for ahealthy relationship to actually
form in your life.
(33:33):
And you're probably wondering,all right, so what is this?
What does it mean?
So we'll get right into it.
An emotional first responder isthe part of you that tends to
the part of you who's hurting.
She's the version of you whoknows how to show up for, the
disappointed version of you, theconfused version of you, the
(33:56):
hopeful version of you who gotlet down, the embarrassed
version of you, the part of youthat feels ashamed, the part of
you that feels unworthy, theoverthinking, spiraling part of
you.
She doesn't shame you, shedoesn't shut you down, she
doesn't say, see, this is why wedon't date.
(34:20):
She steps in, she steadies you,she responds to you, she
reassures you, she helps youprocess what you're feeling, and
she brings you back intoemotional alignment so you don't
abandon yourself or your goal ofhaving that healthy relationship
(34:42):
that you so deeply desire inyour life.
And the better you get attending to yourself here in the
emotional aftermath, the morelikely you are to continue
hoping, continue believing,continue showing up, and
continue having skin in thegame, the less likely you are to
(35:04):
shut down out of fear of everfeeling this way again.
This is a skill that separateswomen who keep repeating the
same cycle from women who findand keep real healthy love.
Because when you know how totake care of yourself in the
moments that feel the hardest,you no longer fear the moments,
(35:24):
you no longer avoid the journey,you no longer treat dating like
a threat, you no longer letdisappointment become a dead
end.
This skill changes everything.
So if becoming an emotionalfirst responder is the skill,
the next question is okay, buthow do I actually do that?
Because it's one thing tounderstand the concept, but it's
(35:47):
another thing to know how toapply it.
On a Tuesday night when you'respiraling, or when that text
doesn't come through, or whenyour hope dips, or when your
emotions are louder than yourlogic.
You need something simple,something grounded, something
you can remember in the moment,something that helps you tend to
yourself instead of abandoningyourself.
(36:09):
And this is where the frameworkcomes in.
I want to give you a simple,practical way to emotionally
first respond to yourself sothat the hope hangover doesn't
scare you, doesn't shut youdown, and doesn't keep you from
continuing to show up for love.
This is how you begin to becomethe woman who knows how to
navigate the emotional waveswithout letting them take her
(36:31):
out.
So let's walk through the simplethree-step framework for
becoming your own emotionalfirst responder.
Step one, notice and name.
Here you're going to learn howto separate what actually
happened from what you're makingit mean.
And we're going to walk throughthis with a real example from a
(36:53):
real client so you can see itclearly.
And this may be something thatyou have experienced yourself or
may be experiencing now.
I had a client who'd beentalking to a guy consistently
every single day.
Good morning, text, littlecheck-ins.
It feels steady and consistent.
And then one day, nothing.
(37:14):
No text, no hey, no explanation,just silence.
Most women go into an emotionalspiral, just like my client had.
(38:08):
Or he didn't text today.
That is what's real.
That is what is observable.
It is just data.
But your brain probably doesn'tstop at the fact, it races ahead
to meaning, just like it, justlike my client did.
(38:29):
He's lost interest, he's talkingto someone else.
I shouldn't have gotten my hopesup.
I did something wrong.
This always happens to me.
I'm not enough.
So step one is you naming this.
The fact is, he didn't texttoday.
The meaning I'm assigning is I'mnot enough.
(38:52):
He's pulling away.
I messed this up.
Why this step matters?
Well, most of your emotionalpain in that moment isn't coming
from the fact that he didn'ttext you today.
Even with my client, I had toexplain to her that her
(39:14):
emotional pain in the hopehangover wasn't coming from that
moment.
It wasn't coming from the event.
It was coming from the story sheattached to the event, right?
It's coming from the story youattach to the event.
When you separate what actuallyhappened from what you're making
(39:35):
it mean, you create spacebetween you and the story.
That space is important.
You stop treating your thoughtslike facts, and you step out of
autopilot and into awareness.
You give yourself the ability tosee, oh, I'm reacting to the
(39:57):
meaning I'm assigning to this,not just the moment.
That awareness is powerful.
It's what gives you theconsciousness to break the
pattern instead of unconsciouslyrepeating it.
Most of us don't know that weare unconsciously stirring up an
(40:19):
emotional storm inside of us andforcing ourselves to feel
emotions that feel terrible,right?
Because of the meaning we attachto the factual, objective things
that happen in our dating life.
Being able to separate yourselfaway from that is so powerful.
(40:44):
Step two, feel.
Now, let yourself feel theemotions that come up without
shaming or shutting down.
Once you've named the meaning,you're going to feel it in your
body.
If your brain decided hissilence means he's losing
interest, I did something wrong,I wasn't enough, of course,
(41:06):
you're going to feel anxious,disappointed, embarrassed,
insecure, sad, and rejected.
Those emotions make sense giventhe meaning your mind created.
This step is about lettingyourself actually feel that
instead of shutting down,pretending you don't care,
(41:31):
shaming yourself for being toosensitive, or even immediately
trying to fix or control thesituation.
You might say to yourself, Ofcourse I feel this way.
I liked him.
I was hopeful.
This matters to me.
Let whatever feeling comes upmove through your body.
Notice where it sits.
(41:53):
Breathe into it.
Allow the wave without making itmean something about your worth.
Why does this step matter?
Because your feelings are notthe problem.
Avoiding your feelings is theproblem.
When you don't let yourself feelthe emotion, it gets stuck and
(42:14):
turns into an ongoing anxiety,shutdown, or bitterness.
It gets stored in your nervoussystem as proof that dating
isn't safe for you.
And it also makes you morelikely to react from fear.
Text from panic, lashing out,pulling away, ghosting in
return.
When you do let yourself feel,the emotional charge actually
(42:36):
moves through you instead ofcamping out.
Your nervous system learns I canfeel this and survive it.
You build emotional enduranceand resilience, which is vital
for dating.
Being in the dating arenarequires emotional endurance and
resilience.
And lastly, you make the hopehangover less scary because
(42:59):
you've shown yourself you canhandle it.
Feeling your feelings is whatprevents a moment of
disappointment from being along-term emotional block and
setback.
And the last step, three,choose.
Decide what you want this momentto mean from your grounded self,
not your wounded self.
(43:21):
Once you've named the story andallowed yourself to feel the
emotions, you're no longerreacting from raw fear or hurt.
You're more grounded becauseyou're more aware.
This is where you get to ask,okay, now that I understand what
I'm making it mean and how thatmeaning is making me feel, and
(43:43):
I'm clear, what do I want thisto mean?
From this grounded space whereyou have the ability to
objectively see yourself in thatmoment from the version of you
who's growing into the woman whocan hold herself and stay open
(44:04):
to love, using the example,right, that we previously spoken
about.
Fact, he didn't text today.
Old meaning is he's done withme.
I wasn't enough.
I'm stupid for hoping.
Now, new chosen meaning mightlook like he didn't text today.
People get busy, I'll watch whathe does next.
(44:26):
If he becomes inconsistent,that's good information for me
about his capacity.
This is disappointing, and I'mstill deserving of love.
One quiet day doesn't define myvalue.
I can feel this dip and stillkeep showing up for the kind of
(44:47):
love I want.
Now, why does this step matter?
Because the meaning you decideto carry forward determines
whether you keep your heart openor quietly shut it down, whether
you keep dating from possibilityor from fear, whether you trust
yourself more or less, whetheryou see this as a data point or
(45:08):
a personal failure, if you don'tconsciously choose the meaning,
your brain will default to yourold programming.
See, you're not enough.
This always happens to you.
You shouldn't have hoped.
And that is what keeps you stuckin the same emotional loops.
When you choose the meaning, youreclaim your agency.
(45:33):
You stop letting every bump inthe road become a full-on
identity crisis.
You create a new pattern wheredisappointment is something you
move through, not live inside.
You're way more likely to stayin the dating process instead of
quitting every time somethinghurts.
This is how you become the womanwho can experience a whole
(45:56):
hangover without letting itconvince her to abandon her
desire for love.
So this is the work.
This is what it looks like tobecome your own emotional first
responder.
Not by avoiding discomfort, notby pretending you don't care,
and not by shutting down everytime something feels tender, but
(46:21):
by meeting yourself in the exactmoment your old patterns want to
take over.
When you can slow down enough toseparate the facts from the
meaning, when you can letyourself actually feel the
emotion instead of running fromit, and when you can choose what
this moment gets to mean for youmoving forward, you stop being
(46:44):
afraid of the hope hangover.
You stop seeing disappointmentas personal failure.
You stop treating everyemotional dip like a sign you
should give up.
You stop abandoning yourself themoment things don't go
perfectly.
And instead, you become thewoman who knows how to hold
herself through the messy,human, and perfect parts of
(47:06):
dating, which, by the way, arethe same emotional skills you
will use inside a real healthyrelationship.
Because love, the kind of loveyou want, isn't built on
perfection.
It's built on emotionalpresence, it's built on
resilience, it's built onstaying open even when it would
(47:29):
be easier to shut down.
It's built on knowing how tonavigate your internal world so
you can actually let someone in.
And when you can do that, datingstops feeling like a threat.
Hope stops feeling like danger,and connection becomes something
you can actually participate inwithout losing yourself or
(47:52):
living in fear of the nextemotional wave.
This is how you build theemotional capacity to find and
keep a healthy relationship, arelationship that meets you,
chooses you, and grows with you100% dating app free.
All right, my love.
(48:13):
I hope you have an amazing,fabulous rest of your day.
I hope this helped, and I'lltalk to you soon.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Are you ready to find and keeplove and tired of wasting time
and energy on things that justaren't working?
(48:34):
If so, I want to invite you tojoin my membership.
Find and keep a healthyrelationship 100% dating app
free.
This membership provides weeklydating success sessions designed
to emotionally support you inthe moments you get in your head
and give you expert guidancetailored to your unique
situation.
(48:55):
You'll also get access toworkshops and courses designed
to empower you with thelove-building skills to make
finding and keeping love thisyear inevitable.
If what you're learning on thispodcast is helping, imagine
what's possible when you take itto the next level.
This membership is designed towork when nothing else has,
(49:17):
saving you time, energy, andheartache.
Ready to get started?
The link to join us is in theshow notes.
I cannot wait to support you!
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