October 8, 2025 • 31 mins
To all my Warriors of Love — this is for you.
After a break for integration and creation, I’m back with a brand-new title, a new direction, and a new way for us to connect. Wild Sobriety is expanding to YouTube — not as a performance, but as a deeper conversation. In this episode, I share why I made the shift, what “wild sobriety” truly means, and how I’m integrating everything I’ve learned through my own healing, partnership, and growth.
This is a love letter to everyone who’s been on the journey with me — those who’ve listened, drifted, returned, and kept the flame of curiosity alive.
In this episode:
- Why I’m taking Wild Sobriety to YouTube for real-time connection and community
- What “wild sobriety” means beyond not drinking — clear seeing, emotional maturity, and radical responsibility
- How silence became my greatest teacher during a season of uncertainty and healing
- The truth about transformation, patience, and trusting divine timing
- A personal update about love, addiction, and choosing dignity over over-explaining
Download The Permission Protocol — my free 5-part mini-course — and start practicing the skills that make alcohol irrelevant on your terms.
DISCLAIMER: This podcast and its contents are not a substitute for rehabilitation, medical treatment or advice. It is for educational and inspirational purposes. I am not a therapist or doctor. The views here are expressed a personal opinion and based on first hand experience. Please consult a doctor if your mental or physical health is at risk.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:05):
Wild sobriety is for the woman who has outgrown
alcohol and was never meant tofollow the script.
I'm Mary Wagstaff, the holisticalcohol coach, and after 20
years of daily drinking, Ifinally made alcohol irrelevant
in my life.
And now I help women just likeyou do the same through my
proven five chips process.
(00:25):
Welcome to Wild Sobriety,Feminine Freedom Beyond Alcohol.
Welcome back to the show, myWarriors of Love.
It is Mary Wagstaff.
If you're new to the show,welcome.
If you've been here for a while,welcome back.
Welcome to a brand new title, abrand new introduction, and a
brand new transformation.
(00:47):
And I'll tell you all aboutWarriors of Love and what wild
sobriety is and where we'regoing.
And this episode isspecifically, especially for
you.
For those of you that have beenon this journey with me for a
while.
And if you left and you cameback because you got what you
needed, and hopefully I canconnect with those of you that
(01:08):
have been here for many years.
And just so you know, that I'mactually recording this podcast
episode with a video that willbe available to you on YouTube.
I am have been in atransitionary period and an
integration period.
I knew that I was going to becreating this transformation in
(01:30):
my business to take my podcastand expand it to a visual
version of it on YouTube.
And what I really love aboutYouTube is that built into the
comments, and there's many, manychannels that are healthy where
people support each other.
There's the opportunity fordoing live streaming where we
(01:53):
can have live comments andconnect, and there's a community
feature.
And there will be a communitycomponent soon for this
transformation, for this wildsobriety transformation.
I wanted to come on to talk tomy listeners that have been here
since the beginning, my avidlisteners that have been here
(02:16):
for all of it, and really speakto you and let you know.
I would love to invite you tocome over to YouTube.
But the cool thing that happenswhen you record a video is you
can easily make it into anaudio.
And so I will be uploading allof the audios right here to this
same feed, but through the titleof Wild Sobriety.
(02:37):
This is also a little bit ofboth a live update of why I'm
transitioning the podcast overto YouTube.
And when you do hear the podcaston a YouTube audience, but I
want you to know that that'sYouTube.
And so just know that you cancome on over, subscribe to the
YouTube channel, leave comments,leave questions, be engaged.
(02:58):
But you will also be able tolisten to this as an audio
version as well.
And how this might apply to youin your life is that we don't
need to do things the same way.
And one of the very first videosthat I created on YouTube.
So if you go over there rightnow, there's five live, six live
videos actually that are up,which I will be dropping one at
a time here on this podcastchannel.
(03:22):
But the first one was aboutalcohol being a blessing.
I will get more into that in theepisode.
But the seeds that I personallyplanted for myself during my
sobriety journey and during thistime of wild sobriety and using
the five shifts process hasreally lent itself and has been
a crucial component of my owngrowth as an entrepreneur, as a
(03:46):
mother, and most recently as aspouse, as a partner to my
beloved.
So I wasn't planning on takingquite as long of a break from
the podcast.
I was gonna take a few, a coupleof weeks, do everything I needed
to do.
Turns out there was a lot more Ineeded to learn on YouTube.
It's the feminine way, it's thatpatience of there's no rush,
(04:09):
trusting in the timing, trustingand taking care of myself and
really putting myself out thereand set it and forget it.
It's like I drop those videosand I am committed to a certain
amount of time on there, knowingthat I'll learn as I go, like I
did on the podcast.
And it is much different,actually, talking and doing
(04:30):
video, seeing yourself.
It's just a different beast.
But what I want you to know, andwhat I want you to take away
from this, is that the toolsthat you are gonna learn through
this journey of wild sobrietyare going to be the tools that
are going to help you create thelife that you love without
needing external validation,without needing someone else to
(04:51):
tell you and give you permissionthat it's okay.
So I'm gonna move on from that.
I do want to talk about wildsobriety and what wild sobriety
really means to me.
So come on over to YouTube.
I will leave the link here rightin the show notes.
You can come on over, subscribe.
It would be amazing to have someof you over there so we can get
that channel going and you canleave comments right there.
(05:12):
It's so much easier.
I know there is a YouTube app,and you can get notifications,
subscribe, leave questions,leave comments, and it's gonna
be a lot of fun.
So wild sobriety, sobriety forme, especially during doing work
with women, has gone beyond justthe absence of mind-altering
(05:36):
substances.
Sobriety to me, as we movethrough our journey of feminine
awakening in this modern worldto really understand how we got
to this place where alcohol wasserving and meeting our needs.
Why did we do we even need that?
Why are have we been unable toaccess those things on our own?
(06:01):
And there's many, many theoriesthat I have for that reason.
But sobriety to me is reallyabout clear seeing, is about
being able to step into acertain place of emotional
maturity where you understandthat whatever challenge or
resistance or darkness thatyou're facing in your life is an
(06:25):
opportunity for your own soul'sgrowth and maturity and soul
correction.
And if you ever notice how wework in cycles, right?
In spirals, we will come upagainst the same challenges, the
same things, being attracted tothe same type of people that
have the same issues again andagain and again.
And when we only ever look atthe outside and we only ever
(06:50):
blame how they could dot dotdot, we are never looking in the
inside to be in that space ofsilence, to let silence be the
strength, strengthening thevessel for us to let the divine
fill the space, let light fillthe space, let our own deep love
(07:14):
for self and life fill thatspace instead of trying to fill
it with something else.
And I believe I'll go deeperinto this in another episode,
but that's one of the thingsthat's another episode I have on
the YouTube channel is movingfrom consuming to curiosity.
Because what happens when we tryto change anything is we fill
(07:38):
the void of, say, the lack ofalcohol by consuming and
over-consuming other thingsbecause we get a little bit of a
dopamine rush from it.
We get a little bit of adopamine rush from passive
action and just fromunderstanding.
And I'll go deeper into a recentpersonal experience of this.
So, this is sobriety.
It is a clear seeing of what ismy role in this separate from
(08:03):
anyone else.
How can I take radical personalresponsibility for my soul's
growth and for the personalvalues that I have, the personal
dreams and ways that I want tolive my life and having
certainty that it will come tome when I am ready to receive
(08:27):
that thing.
And of course, if we havealcohol in the way, that's
really gonna block us fromreceiving the miracles and being
able to really strengthenourselves in the way that we
need to, in order to be able tohold that greatness and to hold
that grandness.
But I am here because I knowthat it is possible for you to
(08:48):
do that.
And the wild piece of sobrietyis just that.
What is wildness?
I asked my mother, I said, Well,when you think about wild
sobriety, what's the first wordthat comes to your mind?
And she said, freedom.
Being wild is something that wehave associated with alcohol.
It's been our permission slipperaccess to girls gone wild.
(09:08):
But when we think about thecontainer of alcohol, it is
actually the opposite offreedom.
It is the opposite of beingwild.
Being wild is your raw,authentic birthright.
It is your raw, authentic stateof being in this world, bone,
flesh, and blood with yourdesires, with your passions,
(09:31):
with your erotic nature, withyour tears, with your sweat,
with your rage calling out tothe goddess, howling under the
right.
And all of this has been sostripped from us in our modern
world.
And I don't like to go back andblame and shame anything.
I believe that we are at acrossroad, a crossroads, at a
(09:54):
threshold, a convergence ofseeing the space of equality for
women, but also honoring thefeminine that is so, so deeply
and drastically different fromthe experience of the masculine
in so many ways.
It's the opposite.
The outer and the inner areactually opposites.
(10:16):
And we need that polarity tocreate wholeness, to create
contrast.
But alcohol has been an invertedtruth into your back into your
wildness.
Wildness is just that.
When we think about being out inthe wilderness, it's not
manicured, it's not put into abox.
(10:41):
And we have, as women, tried tobe all the things for all the
people all the time, and it isnot serving us.
And the reclamation of your wildessence, and this doesn't mean
that you don't get dressed up tothe nines and look your best and
(11:04):
look manicured.
This doesn't mean any of that.
This is the wildness, is yourraw, authentic desires as a
woman in every way she shows up.
Because I know for me, I like tobe dirty with dirt under my
nails in the garden, sometimeswith power tools, and also in a
beautiful flowing dress, gettingdressed up, having someone treat
(11:26):
me, having someone take me out.
I know that I have these layersof myself, but without pressure,
without the need to prove that Ican.
And while sobriety is thiscombination of that, of clearly
(11:48):
seeing through our mostauthentic nature, through our
most unaltered rawness.
Is there anything more wild thanyour raw emotional expression as
a woman?
My very good friend NuraRochelle often says, We are of
under no obligation to makesense to anyone, including
(12:11):
ourselves.
And I believe that this is thegift of the feminine.
And this is why when women cometogether and circle, they share
and they they can go in spirals.
And one sentence can lead to acompletely different subject.
And this is what we have tohonor about ourselves and not
expect that same reciprocationnecessarily from our male
(12:36):
counterparts.
And I believe through through amovement of feminine empowerment
has come this righteousness andthis anger towards the male
counterpart.
And in the end, it has onlycreated dis-ease and imbalance
(12:57):
in a dysregulated nervoussystem.
And it has limited us fromaccess to our own intuitive
knowing from our sacred yes andour sacred no, and from the
receptivity of pleasure of whatit means to be a woman.
Because if I know anything aboutmost of the women in my life, is
(13:19):
that they create the energy ofthe household.
And this is the power that youhave as a woman.
And of course, this doesn't meanthat we give permission for
people to mistreat anyone, butit is first and foremost about
(13:43):
you recognizing the power thatyou have in your own life to
create happiness and to stopmaking excuses for why you don't
have what it is that you want,for why you are not stepping
into your own permission ofpleasure and creativity, and
(14:09):
truly a life where you arehonoring the sacred whisper that
is why you are here right now.
And this will continue to evolveas we take our journey together.
I have so many plans for thisbrand, for my work, and for the
(14:31):
show.
And if you want to go deeperright now, if you are feeling
like I need to start to unpackthis, I am now offering strategy
sessions, one-off experiencesfor you, for brand new clients
to come be heard, be witnessed,and really start to find that
(14:54):
relief that you are looking forin the validation from
everything else around you.
So, moving on from wildsobriety, it is going to inform
a lot of the content that Icreate moving forward, not only
just around sobriety and how toquit drinking, but also the
(15:15):
other side of addiction.
Of course, we know there is aspectrum of use independency
when it comes to addiction.
And I really would like to startspeaking more to the spectrum of
not just alcohol, but addictionaltogether, because there are
some things that have comeacross my path and my own
personal life that I do thinkcould be really useful to be
(15:38):
addressed.
So if you haven't listened tothe last, very last episode, I
interviewed a woman named AmberHollingsworth, who is a family
addiction specialist.
And on that show, I aired alittle bit of my dirty laundry
in a very private, intimateconversation about my beloved
(15:58):
who has been struggling with anaddiction that was really
unknown to me, who I love dearlywith all of my heart.
He's been my best friend and myadventure partner.
And I sought out Amber's advicebecause when women come to me,
typically they're further alongin the stages of denial where
(16:21):
they are fully aware thatsupport will be required for
them to create transformation,where they've tried enough times
on their own that they havebecome clear-seeing, sober
enough in a moment to know thatthis will require some outside
support.
Now, you know, being in thatspace, of course, we want to be
(16:44):
in that space.
We work towards being in thatspace without shame, that
nothing's gone wrong.
And in fact, that's an episode Idid on YouTube already that
getting support doesn't meanthat something's gone wrong.
It's actually a huge sign thatsomething's gone right, that you
are evolving out of your stagesof denial.
So when I recorded that episode,I was under the understanding
(17:06):
that Matthew had been sober for,I think it had been three months
since the last time I had foundout about this, the usage of
this drug.
Now, what I will say is there'snot really, and this I will just
again go into this briefly, butthere's not really an ultimatum
about the drug use in ourhousehold.
(17:27):
It's not like if you're usingdrugs, I can't be with you.
It was always more about thedeception and feeling really
hurt that this person,considering the irony of the
work that I do, wasn't able totalk to me.
And this was not an experience Ireally ever had with him because
(17:51):
we were partying and drinkingtogether.
So, really, all of my alcoholand drug use was something that
I was fully expressive to him.
Now, of course, alcohol andbeing 100% sober and him not,
clearly there was a lot of guiltand shame and maybe even
resentment to talk about thisthing.
(18:12):
And the other thing that Ididn't really know until just
before I had recorded thatepisode, because this has been
going on for a very long time, Ididn't understand the severity
of the substance itself, thechemical itself.
So I'm telling you this becauseit was one of the reasons that I
had to take a longer integrationperiod between my last episode
(18:35):
and today.
And I'm telling you this alsobecause there was a big
transformation.
There was a big reveal, therewas a big blow-up, and it things
came to a head in a way that Iwasn't expecting that I was
blindsided by, but that reallyneeded to.
And in our next episode, I amgoing to talk more about
(18:56):
insecure attachment and how, inthe face of addiction, really
any secure person can becomeanxiously attached, which I had,
but it was it was unknown to me.
And in addition to that, whatI'm being revealed now and my
own silence away from Matthewright now is that there was a
(19:18):
lot of, again, unintentionalways that I was coping through
some anxious attachment, throughnot managing my own emotional
well-being first, and you know,a precedent that him and I had
set with one another withoutboundaries, without taking a
step back to really being ableto talk about our own growth as
(19:40):
a couple.
And it all really blew up.
And uh, there, you know, he'staking has taken some time away.
But what I really want to sharewith you about this experience
is that the last time thishappened, I was, I wouldn't say
begging and pleading, but Iwould say I was so in shock that
(20:01):
he could kind of turn away fromme as his soul partner, his best
friend, and say, hello, are youthere?
Like, are like see me, see me,and talk to me, connect with me
about this.
And what I didn't realize wasthat that was keeping the same
old patterns of his addiction,the two of us in the cyclical
(20:26):
nature.
And this time that all changed.
This time there was a completebreak in me having my words or
my say or my explanation, andalso understanding that in the
face of addiction and theseverity of addiction, that
there's really not much to talkabout in terms of a relationship
(20:48):
until there is full sobriety.
And so that's something I wantyou to take away is that if
you're struggling in yourrelationship under the guise of
alcohol or drug use, you're notgonna solve anything because
there is not clear seeing, thereis a distortion, and there will
always be some level of denialof the impact that this
(21:13):
substance is having on your lifeuntil you get to the other side
of it, until you start to get alittle bit of space away from
it.
And that's really what we dothrough coaching is we give you
enough of a step back and out ofit to start to examine a new
perspective, not from a place ofguilt or shame, not from a place
where you're being triggered byyour partner, but from a neutral
(21:35):
place where you really want tounderstand, okay, what am I here
to learn from this?
How can this be the most pivotalmoment of my growth?
The second thing that I want toimpart on you, and kind of the
final thing for this episode, isthat the seeds that I planted
over the last, I mean, gosh, Iwould say 18 years for myself or
(22:01):
more, have really led to thismoment for me to not freak out
because what happened was bigand it was heartbreaking, and
there's still moments of griefand sadness and uncertainty.
But I have been able to be insilence, and there's times where
(22:24):
I've tried to fill the void withwatching these tarot readings,
so I'll be really honest aboutit.
Tarot readings, or even tryingto understand more about
addiction, trying to understandmore about Kradom.
And I just came to this placerecently in the last couple of
days, or at least I've hadmoments of it over the last few
weeks where silence is mystrength.
This is how I'm going to buildthis vessel and container
(22:46):
because I don't know what thefuture holds right now.
And what I know is I am on amission to continue to grow this
business.
I am on a mission to continue toserve the women who are ready to
hear what I have to say andcontinue to share this message
of wild sobriety, femininefreedom beyond alcohol, and
(23:09):
really work together to create acommunity so that we can heal
the masculine and femininedynamics on this planet.
We can heal relationships.
But most importantly is that wecan heal our own wounding of
being overly in our masculine,which is what I believe has
(23:33):
created the increase in women'salcohol consumption to
immeasurable proportions to men,that women are getting addicted
and dying from alcohol in muchhigher rates to that of their
male counterpart malecounterparts.
(23:54):
And my ability to notoverexplain in this moment, and
this wasn't happening six monthsago or three months ago, not
overexplain, not try to solveit, not need to be in control,
not know what's gonna happen,and to really be in my own
process would not have happenedwithout sobriety.
(24:16):
And I've shared this with a fewof my clients over the years
because I was in a relationshipin my late 20s where I was
engaged, I was with someone forthree years and was blindsided
where this person left.
We were very close, veryintimate, and I didn't really
see it coming.
I had to really sit with myselfand really feel my emotions
(24:38):
because I knew there was only atemporary shift, just like
alcohol, when I would try toreach out to this person or try
to get him to see and understandor validate or something.
It was just again that temporaryrelief, just like alcohol, but
the whole was still inside ofme.
(25:01):
And it was then that I startedplanting these seeds.
And one of the reasons I thinkonce I understood that alcohol
could be the same for me, then Icould use these same principles
and these same concepts ofmindfulness and mindset to go
beyond this limiting thing thatjust wasn't serving me.
And, you know, I don't know whatmy relationship with Matthew
(25:23):
will be like moving forward.
But if there is to be one ofintimacy and connection, it will
look completely differentbecause in the face of
addiction, there was a it's youcan't say what came first, the
chicken or the egg thing.
But I know regardless how I wasshowing up in a way that I will
(25:46):
never do out of my own dignity,out of my own respect, out of my
own integrity.
And that's what the next episodeis going to be.
And I will be airing that alsoon YouTube, self-sabotaging
through the lens ofself-betrayal, where we think
that someone else is betrayingus, but we're letting it happen.
(26:09):
Now, of course, if someone'slying to you and being
deceitful, you can't really knowthat.
But you can know if you'recompromising your own values and
integrity to keep the peace, totry to placate someone, to try
to make someone happy or controlthe narrative.
I wanted to just come on andreally speak from the heart
(26:31):
because this is a big moment forme.
And if you have any questions,I'm sure I will be, I know I
will be taking a lot from thislearning experience, a lot from
this as an educational tool toteach you.
I will be definitely talkingmore about the substance of
Kratom itself because everythingthat I've learned really
(26:55):
deserves and needs to be exposedbecause it's no joke.
It's a drug that is starting toget more and more press.
And I just want my audience toknow about the dangers of it and
really what it is and what I'veexperienced, not only from my
first hand observation, butthrough many testimonials
(27:17):
through talking to someone andmany people actually that are
addicted to this substance.
And then also the flip side tothis is I want to teach you
about your anxious attachmentand being in relationship, but
now on the other side, now beinga loved one of someone with an
addiction, and again, there's aspectrum of use independency.
(27:40):
I'm really saw a deeperexperience of the stages of
denial, of the impact thathappens when one is in deep
shame and hiding something andreally in deep denial of how
this is impacting their lives.
(28:02):
And it can be very triggeringand feel like maybe you're being
called out a little bit.
But everything I share is withthe most love, respect, and
honesty and belief in youbecause I don't want, I believe
you're here because you canhandle it.
I believe you're here to gain anew perspective.
(28:22):
And when we want to be sober andhave clear seeing, we really
have to look at the perspectiveof where we might be.
I had to be able to look at thisanxious attachment style and
being like, yep, that's what Iwas doing in a lot of ways to be
able to change that.
I can't just be looking at hisavoidant attachment and him just
(28:44):
disappearing and that kind ofthing, just so I can blame that.
Now, again, it takes two totango.
There's it's like, what camefirst?
Would I be acting this way somuch if this wasn't happening?
I don't know.
And it doesn't really matter atthis point.
What matters is healing andmoving forward, and that I'm in
a stronger place for all of myrelations moving forward for my
(29:07):
son, for myself, for you, forYouTube.
SPEAKER_01 (29:11):
Okay, so I'm so glad I can come on here and smile
because I've had many moments ofheavy tears.
Because to be honest with you,ladies, my heart has been broken
into a million little pieces,and it feels like it's been
stomped on.
And I can hold that for myself,and I can also hold the lesson
in my soul's journey.
SPEAKER_00 (29:31):
And I don't want to lie, I don't want to say so
much, I don't want to throwanyone under the bus, but this
is my real lived experience.
And I was just talking about iton the show.
So life update, here we are.
And I had asked Matthew aboutsharing about this earlier, and
he was okay with it.
I think part of that was hisdenial, somehow, that he was
(29:54):
like, I'm not even embarrassedabout this.
SPEAKER_01 (29:56):
And I was like, Yeah, except you literally were
hiding it.
SPEAKER_00 (30:00):
Come over to YouTube, follow.
Please come over and subscribe.
I'm definitely going to startdoing a weekly live stream, but
I would be nice to have somesubscribers that can be notified
about it until I start that.
I will at least be doing oneweekly episode, if not two, and
then they will be transferredover here.
So you can do either or you cansee me.
We can connect.
(30:20):
And I just really look forwardto having you over there and to
leave in the comments whatyou're taking away, what you
would like to hear, and we canstart a conversation.
So have a beautiful day.
Thank you so much for yourpresence, for your loyalty, and
for your faith in love, for yourinterest in love, because you
(30:42):
are a warrior of love.
I'll talk to you soon.
Thank you, my beautiful wildwomen, for being here.
If you are loving the show, Iwant to invite you to come on
over to my YouTube channel, MaryWagstaff Holistic Wellness.
And don't forget to download thefree guide, 60 Seconds to Calm.
This is going to help you find arelief from any emotion and less
time than it takes to pour adrink.
(31:02):
Have a beautiful day, and thankyou so much for being part of
this community.
It wouldn't be the same withoutyou.
Wild sobriety is for the woman who has outgrown
alcohol and was never meant tofollow the script.
I'm Mary Wagstaff, the holisticalcohol coach, and after 20
years of daily drinking, Ifinally made alcohol irrelevant
in my life.
And now I help women just likeyou do the same through my
proven five chips process.
(00:25):
Welcome to Wild Sobriety,Feminine Freedom Beyond Alcohol.
Welcome back to the show, myWarriors of Love.
It is Mary Wagstaff.
If you're new to the show,welcome.
If you've been here for a while,welcome back.
Welcome to a brand new title, abrand new introduction, and a
brand new transformation.
(00:47):
And I'll tell you all aboutWarriors of Love and what wild
sobriety is and where we'regoing.
And this episode isspecifically, especially for
you.
For those of you that have beenon this journey with me for a
while.
And if you left and you cameback because you got what you
needed, and hopefully I canconnect with those of you that
(01:08):
have been here for many years.
And just so you know, that I'mactually recording this podcast
episode with a video that willbe available to you on YouTube.
I am have been in atransitionary period and an
integration period.
I knew that I was going to becreating this transformation in
(01:30):
my business to take my podcastand expand it to a visual
version of it on YouTube.
And what I really love aboutYouTube is that built into the
comments, and there's many, manychannels that are healthy where
people support each other.
There's the opportunity fordoing live streaming where we
(01:53):
can have live comments andconnect, and there's a community
feature.
And there will be a communitycomponent soon for this
transformation, for this wildsobriety transformation.
I wanted to come on to talk tomy listeners that have been here
since the beginning, my avidlisteners that have been here
(02:16):
for all of it, and really speakto you and let you know.
I would love to invite you tocome over to YouTube.
But the cool thing that happenswhen you record a video is you
can easily make it into anaudio.
And so I will be uploading allof the audios right here to this
same feed, but through the titleof Wild Sobriety.
(02:37):
This is also a little bit ofboth a live update of why I'm
transitioning the podcast overto YouTube.
And when you do hear the podcaston a YouTube audience, but I
want you to know that that'sYouTube.
And so just know that you cancome on over, subscribe to the
YouTube channel, leave comments,leave questions, be engaged.
(02:58):
But you will also be able tolisten to this as an audio
version as well.
And how this might apply to youin your life is that we don't
need to do things the same way.
And one of the very first videosthat I created on YouTube.
So if you go over there rightnow, there's five live, six live
videos actually that are up,which I will be dropping one at
a time here on this podcastchannel.
(03:22):
But the first one was aboutalcohol being a blessing.
I will get more into that in theepisode.
But the seeds that I personallyplanted for myself during my
sobriety journey and during thistime of wild sobriety and using
the five shifts process hasreally lent itself and has been
a crucial component of my owngrowth as an entrepreneur, as a
(03:46):
mother, and most recently as aspouse, as a partner to my
beloved.
So I wasn't planning on takingquite as long of a break from
the podcast.
I was gonna take a few, a coupleof weeks, do everything I needed
to do.
Turns out there was a lot more Ineeded to learn on YouTube.
It's the feminine way, it's thatpatience of there's no rush,
(04:09):
trusting in the timing, trustingand taking care of myself and
really putting myself out thereand set it and forget it.
It's like I drop those videosand I am committed to a certain
amount of time on there, knowingthat I'll learn as I go, like I
did on the podcast.
And it is much different,actually, talking and doing
(04:30):
video, seeing yourself.
It's just a different beast.
But what I want you to know, andwhat I want you to take away
from this, is that the toolsthat you are gonna learn through
this journey of wild sobrietyare going to be the tools that
are going to help you create thelife that you love without
needing external validation,without needing someone else to
(04:51):
tell you and give you permissionthat it's okay.
So I'm gonna move on from that.
I do want to talk about wildsobriety and what wild sobriety
really means to me.
So come on over to YouTube.
I will leave the link here rightin the show notes.
You can come on over, subscribe.
It would be amazing to have someof you over there so we can get
that channel going and you canleave comments right there.
(05:12):
It's so much easier.
I know there is a YouTube app,and you can get notifications,
subscribe, leave questions,leave comments, and it's gonna
be a lot of fun.
So wild sobriety, sobriety forme, especially during doing work
with women, has gone beyond justthe absence of mind-altering
(05:36):
substances.
Sobriety to me, as we movethrough our journey of feminine
awakening in this modern worldto really understand how we got
to this place where alcohol wasserving and meeting our needs.
Why did we do we even need that?
Why are have we been unable toaccess those things on our own?
(06:01):
And there's many, many theoriesthat I have for that reason.
But sobriety to me is reallyabout clear seeing, is about
being able to step into acertain place of emotional
maturity where you understandthat whatever challenge or
resistance or darkness thatyou're facing in your life is an
(06:25):
opportunity for your own soul'sgrowth and maturity and soul
correction.
And if you ever notice how wework in cycles, right?
In spirals, we will come upagainst the same challenges, the
same things, being attracted tothe same type of people that
have the same issues again andagain and again.
And when we only ever look atthe outside and we only ever
(06:50):
blame how they could dot dotdot, we are never looking in the
inside to be in that space ofsilence, to let silence be the
strength, strengthening thevessel for us to let the divine
fill the space, let light fillthe space, let our own deep love
(07:14):
for self and life fill thatspace instead of trying to fill
it with something else.
And I believe I'll go deeperinto this in another episode,
but that's one of the thingsthat's another episode I have on
the YouTube channel is movingfrom consuming to curiosity.
Because what happens when we tryto change anything is we fill
(07:38):
the void of, say, the lack ofalcohol by consuming and
over-consuming other thingsbecause we get a little bit of a
dopamine rush from it.
We get a little bit of adopamine rush from passive
action and just fromunderstanding.
And I'll go deeper into a recentpersonal experience of this.
So, this is sobriety.
It is a clear seeing of what ismy role in this separate from
(08:03):
anyone else.
How can I take radical personalresponsibility for my soul's
growth and for the personalvalues that I have, the personal
dreams and ways that I want tolive my life and having
certainty that it will come tome when I am ready to receive
(08:27):
that thing.
And of course, if we havealcohol in the way, that's
really gonna block us fromreceiving the miracles and being
able to really strengthenourselves in the way that we
need to, in order to be able tohold that greatness and to hold
that grandness.
But I am here because I knowthat it is possible for you to
(08:48):
do that.
And the wild piece of sobrietyis just that.
What is wildness?
I asked my mother, I said, Well,when you think about wild
sobriety, what's the first wordthat comes to your mind?
And she said, freedom.
Being wild is something that wehave associated with alcohol.
It's been our permission slipperaccess to girls gone wild.
(09:08):
But when we think about thecontainer of alcohol, it is
actually the opposite offreedom.
It is the opposite of beingwild.
Being wild is your raw,authentic birthright.
It is your raw, authentic stateof being in this world, bone,
flesh, and blood with yourdesires, with your passions,
(09:31):
with your erotic nature, withyour tears, with your sweat,
with your rage calling out tothe goddess, howling under the
right.
And all of this has been sostripped from us in our modern
world.
And I don't like to go back andblame and shame anything.
I believe that we are at acrossroad, a crossroads, at a
(09:54):
threshold, a convergence ofseeing the space of equality for
women, but also honoring thefeminine that is so, so deeply
and drastically different fromthe experience of the masculine
in so many ways.
It's the opposite.
The outer and the inner areactually opposites.
(10:16):
And we need that polarity tocreate wholeness, to create
contrast.
But alcohol has been an invertedtruth into your back into your
wildness.
Wildness is just that.
When we think about being out inthe wilderness, it's not
manicured, it's not put into abox.
(10:41):
And we have, as women, tried tobe all the things for all the
people all the time, and it isnot serving us.
And the reclamation of your wildessence, and this doesn't mean
that you don't get dressed up tothe nines and look your best and
(11:04):
look manicured.
This doesn't mean any of that.
This is the wildness, is yourraw, authentic desires as a
woman in every way she shows up.
Because I know for me, I like tobe dirty with dirt under my
nails in the garden, sometimeswith power tools, and also in a
beautiful flowing dress, gettingdressed up, having someone treat
(11:26):
me, having someone take me out.
I know that I have these layersof myself, but without pressure,
without the need to prove that Ican.
And while sobriety is thiscombination of that, of clearly
(11:48):
seeing through our mostauthentic nature, through our
most unaltered rawness.
Is there anything more wild thanyour raw emotional expression as
a woman?
My very good friend NuraRochelle often says, We are of
under no obligation to makesense to anyone, including
(12:11):
ourselves.
And I believe that this is thegift of the feminine.
And this is why when women cometogether and circle, they share
and they they can go in spirals.
And one sentence can lead to acompletely different subject.
And this is what we have tohonor about ourselves and not
expect that same reciprocationnecessarily from our male
(12:36):
counterparts.
And I believe through through amovement of feminine empowerment
has come this righteousness andthis anger towards the male
counterpart.
And in the end, it has onlycreated dis-ease and imbalance
(12:57):
in a dysregulated nervoussystem.
And it has limited us fromaccess to our own intuitive
knowing from our sacred yes andour sacred no, and from the
receptivity of pleasure of whatit means to be a woman.
Because if I know anything aboutmost of the women in my life, is
(13:19):
that they create the energy ofthe household.
And this is the power that youhave as a woman.
And of course, this doesn't meanthat we give permission for
people to mistreat anyone, butit is first and foremost about
(13:43):
you recognizing the power thatyou have in your own life to
create happiness and to stopmaking excuses for why you don't
have what it is that you want,for why you are not stepping
into your own permission ofpleasure and creativity, and
(14:09):
truly a life where you arehonoring the sacred whisper that
is why you are here right now.
And this will continue to evolveas we take our journey together.
I have so many plans for thisbrand, for my work, and for the
(14:31):
show.
And if you want to go deeperright now, if you are feeling
like I need to start to unpackthis, I am now offering strategy
sessions, one-off experiencesfor you, for brand new clients
to come be heard, be witnessed,and really start to find that
(14:54):
relief that you are looking forin the validation from
everything else around you.
So, moving on from wildsobriety, it is going to inform
a lot of the content that Icreate moving forward, not only
just around sobriety and how toquit drinking, but also the
(15:15):
other side of addiction.
Of course, we know there is aspectrum of use independency
when it comes to addiction.
And I really would like to startspeaking more to the spectrum of
not just alcohol, but addictionaltogether, because there are
some things that have comeacross my path and my own
personal life that I do thinkcould be really useful to be
(15:38):
addressed.
So if you haven't listened tothe last, very last episode, I
interviewed a woman named AmberHollingsworth, who is a family
addiction specialist.
And on that show, I aired alittle bit of my dirty laundry
in a very private, intimateconversation about my beloved
(15:58):
who has been struggling with anaddiction that was really
unknown to me, who I love dearlywith all of my heart.
He's been my best friend and myadventure partner.
And I sought out Amber's advicebecause when women come to me,
typically they're further alongin the stages of denial where
(16:21):
they are fully aware thatsupport will be required for
them to create transformation,where they've tried enough times
on their own that they havebecome clear-seeing, sober
enough in a moment to know thatthis will require some outside
support.
Now, you know, being in thatspace, of course, we want to be
(16:44):
in that space.
We work towards being in thatspace without shame, that
nothing's gone wrong.
And in fact, that's an episode Idid on YouTube already that
getting support doesn't meanthat something's gone wrong.
It's actually a huge sign thatsomething's gone right, that you
are evolving out of your stagesof denial.
So when I recorded that episode,I was under the understanding
(17:06):
that Matthew had been sober for,I think it had been three months
since the last time I had foundout about this, the usage of
this drug.
Now, what I will say is there'snot really, and this I will just
again go into this briefly, butthere's not really an ultimatum
about the drug use in ourhousehold.
(17:27):
It's not like if you're usingdrugs, I can't be with you.
It was always more about thedeception and feeling really
hurt that this person,considering the irony of the
work that I do, wasn't able totalk to me.
And this was not an experience Ireally ever had with him because
(17:51):
we were partying and drinkingtogether.
So, really, all of my alcoholand drug use was something that
I was fully expressive to him.
Now, of course, alcohol andbeing 100% sober and him not,
clearly there was a lot of guiltand shame and maybe even
resentment to talk about thisthing.
(18:12):
And the other thing that Ididn't really know until just
before I had recorded thatepisode, because this has been
going on for a very long time, Ididn't understand the severity
of the substance itself, thechemical itself.
So I'm telling you this becauseit was one of the reasons that I
had to take a longer integrationperiod between my last episode
(18:35):
and today.
And I'm telling you this alsobecause there was a big
transformation.
There was a big reveal, therewas a big blow-up, and it things
came to a head in a way that Iwasn't expecting that I was
blindsided by, but that reallyneeded to.
And in our next episode, I amgoing to talk more about
(18:56):
insecure attachment and how, inthe face of addiction, really
any secure person can becomeanxiously attached, which I had,
but it was it was unknown to me.
And in addition to that, whatI'm being revealed now and my
own silence away from Matthewright now is that there was a
(19:18):
lot of, again, unintentionalways that I was coping through
some anxious attachment, throughnot managing my own emotional
well-being first, and you know,a precedent that him and I had
set with one another withoutboundaries, without taking a
step back to really being ableto talk about our own growth as
(19:40):
a couple.
And it all really blew up.
And uh, there, you know, he'staking has taken some time away.
But what I really want to sharewith you about this experience
is that the last time thishappened, I was, I wouldn't say
begging and pleading, but Iwould say I was so in shock that
(20:01):
he could kind of turn away fromme as his soul partner, his best
friend, and say, hello, are youthere?
Like, are like see me, see me,and talk to me, connect with me
about this.
And what I didn't realize wasthat that was keeping the same
old patterns of his addiction,the two of us in the cyclical
(20:26):
nature.
And this time that all changed.
This time there was a completebreak in me having my words or
my say or my explanation, andalso understanding that in the
face of addiction and theseverity of addiction, that
there's really not much to talkabout in terms of a relationship
(20:48):
until there is full sobriety.
And so that's something I wantyou to take away is that if
you're struggling in yourrelationship under the guise of
alcohol or drug use, you're notgonna solve anything because
there is not clear seeing, thereis a distortion, and there will
always be some level of denialof the impact that this
(21:13):
substance is having on your lifeuntil you get to the other side
of it, until you start to get alittle bit of space away from
it.
And that's really what we dothrough coaching is we give you
enough of a step back and out ofit to start to examine a new
perspective, not from a place ofguilt or shame, not from a place
where you're being triggered byyour partner, but from a neutral
(21:35):
place where you really want tounderstand, okay, what am I here
to learn from this?
How can this be the most pivotalmoment of my growth?
The second thing that I want toimpart on you, and kind of the
final thing for this episode, isthat the seeds that I planted
over the last, I mean, gosh, Iwould say 18 years for myself or
(22:01):
more, have really led to thismoment for me to not freak out
because what happened was bigand it was heartbreaking, and
there's still moments of griefand sadness and uncertainty.
But I have been able to be insilence, and there's times where
(22:24):
I've tried to fill the void withwatching these tarot readings,
so I'll be really honest aboutit.
Tarot readings, or even tryingto understand more about
addiction, trying to understandmore about Kradom.
And I just came to this placerecently in the last couple of
days, or at least I've hadmoments of it over the last few
weeks where silence is mystrength.
This is how I'm going to buildthis vessel and container
(22:46):
because I don't know what thefuture holds right now.
And what I know is I am on amission to continue to grow this
business.
I am on a mission to continue toserve the women who are ready to
hear what I have to say andcontinue to share this message
of wild sobriety, femininefreedom beyond alcohol, and
(23:09):
really work together to create acommunity so that we can heal
the masculine and femininedynamics on this planet.
We can heal relationships.
But most importantly is that wecan heal our own wounding of
being overly in our masculine,which is what I believe has
(23:33):
created the increase in women'salcohol consumption to
immeasurable proportions to men,that women are getting addicted
and dying from alcohol in muchhigher rates to that of their
male counterpart malecounterparts.
(23:54):
And my ability to notoverexplain in this moment, and
this wasn't happening six monthsago or three months ago, not
overexplain, not try to solveit, not need to be in control,
not know what's gonna happen,and to really be in my own
process would not have happenedwithout sobriety.
(24:16):
And I've shared this with a fewof my clients over the years
because I was in a relationshipin my late 20s where I was
engaged, I was with someone forthree years and was blindsided
where this person left.
We were very close, veryintimate, and I didn't really
see it coming.
I had to really sit with myselfand really feel my emotions
(24:38):
because I knew there was only atemporary shift, just like
alcohol, when I would try toreach out to this person or try
to get him to see and understandor validate or something.
It was just again that temporaryrelief, just like alcohol, but
the whole was still inside ofme.
(25:01):
And it was then that I startedplanting these seeds.
And one of the reasons I thinkonce I understood that alcohol
could be the same for me, then Icould use these same principles
and these same concepts ofmindfulness and mindset to go
beyond this limiting thing thatjust wasn't serving me.
And, you know, I don't know whatmy relationship with Matthew
(25:23):
will be like moving forward.
But if there is to be one ofintimacy and connection, it will
look completely differentbecause in the face of
addiction, there was a it's youcan't say what came first, the
chicken or the egg thing.
But I know regardless how I wasshowing up in a way that I will
(25:46):
never do out of my own dignity,out of my own respect, out of my
own integrity.
And that's what the next episodeis going to be.
And I will be airing that alsoon YouTube, self-sabotaging
through the lens ofself-betrayal, where we think
that someone else is betrayingus, but we're letting it happen.
(26:09):
Now, of course, if someone'slying to you and being
deceitful, you can't really knowthat.
But you can know if you'recompromising your own values and
integrity to keep the peace, totry to placate someone, to try
to make someone happy or controlthe narrative.
I wanted to just come on andreally speak from the heart
(26:31):
because this is a big moment forme.
And if you have any questions,I'm sure I will be, I know I
will be taking a lot from thislearning experience, a lot from
this as an educational tool toteach you.
I will be definitely talkingmore about the substance of
Kratom itself because everythingthat I've learned really
(26:55):
deserves and needs to be exposedbecause it's no joke.
It's a drug that is starting toget more and more press.
And I just want my audience toknow about the dangers of it and
really what it is and what I'veexperienced, not only from my
first hand observation, butthrough many testimonials
(27:17):
through talking to someone andmany people actually that are
addicted to this substance.
And then also the flip side tothis is I want to teach you
about your anxious attachmentand being in relationship, but
now on the other side, now beinga loved one of someone with an
addiction, and again, there's aspectrum of use independency.
(27:40):
I'm really saw a deeperexperience of the stages of
denial, of the impact thathappens when one is in deep
shame and hiding something andreally in deep denial of how
this is impacting their lives.
(28:02):
And it can be very triggeringand feel like maybe you're being
called out a little bit.
But everything I share is withthe most love, respect, and
honesty and belief in youbecause I don't want, I believe
you're here because you canhandle it.
I believe you're here to gain anew perspective.
(28:22):
And when we want to be sober andhave clear seeing, we really
have to look at the perspectiveof where we might be.
I had to be able to look at thisanxious attachment style and
being like, yep, that's what Iwas doing in a lot of ways to be
able to change that.
I can't just be looking at hisavoidant attachment and him just
(28:44):
disappearing and that kind ofthing, just so I can blame that.
Now, again, it takes two totango.
There's it's like, what camefirst?
Would I be acting this way somuch if this wasn't happening?
I don't know.
And it doesn't really matter atthis point.
What matters is healing andmoving forward, and that I'm in
a stronger place for all of myrelations moving forward for my
(29:07):
son, for myself, for you, forYouTube.
SPEAKER_01 (29:11):
Okay, so I'm so glad I can come on here and smile
because I've had many moments ofheavy tears.
Because to be honest with you,ladies, my heart has been broken
into a million little pieces,and it feels like it's been
stomped on.
And I can hold that for myself,and I can also hold the lesson
in my soul's journey.
SPEAKER_00 (29:31):
And I don't want to lie, I don't want to say so
much, I don't want to throwanyone under the bus, but this
is my real lived experience.
And I was just talking about iton the show.
So life update, here we are.
And I had asked Matthew aboutsharing about this earlier, and
he was okay with it.
I think part of that was hisdenial, somehow, that he was
(29:54):
like, I'm not even embarrassedabout this.
SPEAKER_01 (29:56):
And I was like, Yeah, except you literally were
hiding it.
SPEAKER_00 (30:00):
Come over to YouTube, follow.
Please come over and subscribe.
I'm definitely going to startdoing a weekly live stream, but
I would be nice to have somesubscribers that can be notified
about it until I start that.
I will at least be doing oneweekly episode, if not two, and
then they will be transferredover here.
So you can do either or you cansee me.
We can connect.
(30:20):
And I just really look forwardto having you over there and to
leave in the comments whatyou're taking away, what you
would like to hear, and we canstart a conversation.
So have a beautiful day.
Thank you so much for yourpresence, for your loyalty, and
for your faith in love, for yourinterest in love, because you
(30:42):
are a warrior of love.
I'll talk to you soon.
Thank you, my beautiful wildwomen, for being here.
If you are loving the show, Iwant to invite you to come on
over to my YouTube channel, MaryWagstaff Holistic Wellness.
And don't forget to download thefree guide, 60 Seconds to Calm.
This is going to help you find arelief from any emotion and less
time than it takes to pour adrink.
(31:02):
Have a beautiful day, and thankyou so much for being part of
this community.
It wouldn't be the same withoutyou.
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