Healing Family Bonds: Childhood Trauma, Sportsmanship Lessons, and Navigating Divergent Friendships

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Can a single conversation redefine your understanding of family? We unravel this question by diving into personal stories and complex family dynamics that shape our lives. From childhood trauma to sibling relationships, we uncover how past experiences can influence present interactions. Discover the importance of communication and accountability in healing these old wounds and learn how to foster stronger familial bonds, as we challenge traditional notions of what it means to be family.

Have you ever wondered how sports can teach life-changing lessons? We take a closer look at youth sports ethics and coaching, exploring how leadership and sportsmanship can impact young athletes beyond the game. With stories from the court, we highlight the delicate balance between immediate performance and long-term potential. Join us as we share teachable moments that prioritize teamwork over personal achievement and explore the role of parents and coaches in guiding children toward a more holistic understanding of success.

Friendships and personal growth often go hand in hand, but what happens when paths diverge? Reflecting on long-term relationships, we examine how time and evolving interests can affect bonds. Through candid discussions, we delve into the concept of growing apart and the significance of addressing unresolved issues. By sharing personal experiences, we stress the critical role of communication and managing expectations, not just in friendships but in all relationships, to maintain harmony and personal peace.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome.
Welcome to the your OpinionDoesn't Matter podcast.
I am one of the hosts, MrLamont on the side, he's a
frequent flyer.
Actually, he's like a castmember.
Now, Host Lem, how are youdoing, bro?

Speaker 3 (00:18):
Good, my brother, good, good, How's everything.

Speaker 1 (00:22):
Everything is good, man.
How's been the response sinceyou've been recording?
How have people been embracingyou?
How have people been embracingyou?

Speaker 3 (00:31):
All in all, it's been positive responses.
You know, people are actuallyenjoying the conversations that
we've had and the subject matterthat we've been discussing, so
they give positive responses.

Speaker 1 (00:44):
Nice, nice, nice, nice.
And you know I had some, shallI say, was a blowback pause.
Somebody there was a complaintmade about me saying that I'm
controlling the video that meand you did my opinion of a
particular topic.
People were saying I wascontrolling the one, that the
video that me, you, me and youdid my opinion of a particular

(01:06):
topic, people were saying I wascontrolling and I was like, wow,
that's not fair, being the factthey don't know me, even though
it's like you know, you get a10 second clip and you think
that I'm controlling and it'slike I think it's a little tad
bit much.
And I believe that I lived a,you know, we lived a unique kind
of life and uniquecircumstances that make me have,

(01:30):
um, just my, my um, prior, noteven a perception, my reality,
right and um, I don't think thatthe person, the people who are
saying these things, they, theydon't even mirror what I've been
through.

Speaker 3 (01:47):
Yeah, I mean, I could understand that, but part of
the reason why I was hesitant,to you know, join a forum like
this was because of thevulnerability that you're faced
with.
Right, people are going to pickand choose what they want to
critique about your conversation.
Because once you enter into aforum like this and it's public,

(02:10):
you have to understand thatpeople are going to have
comments and they're going toperceive you to be some
something that you're not justbased on a couple seconds of a
clip, seconds of a clip.
So I think that comes with theterritory and you have to be
prepared for that.
those kind of uh, critiques or,you know, comments and and, as I

(02:31):
said, that's why I was a bithesitant, because I know it
requires a certain vulnerability, it requires a certain amount
of um.
You know, I guess you're gonnayou're gonna put yourself in a
position, guess you're going to,you're going to put yourself in
a position where you're goingto have to ignore things.
Yeah.
Right, you can't take itseriously, and that's why, even

(02:53):
discussing some of the subjectmatter, although it's personal
to us, um, we kind of got tostay away from personal topics,
right, right, or we do.
We could touch upon things, butwhen we incorporate our lives,
then we leave ourselves open tocriticism yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
.

Speaker 1 (03:10):
I gotta um.
When I talk about stories, Igotta say, hey, I'm not talking
about myself, right it's not me,and even if you put that
disclaimer out there, peoplestill gonna think yeah, because
you're talking from yourexperiences, right right, so
it's still leaving you open tocertain type of criticisms.
Right right, right right.

Speaker 3 (03:28):
So being part of this .
That's why, at first, I washesitant, because I know my
perspective could be one thatrequires some dissection.
Right, you have to listen to myfull speech before you comment
on it.
Right, listen to my full speechbefore you comment on it.
Right To get a full picture ofwhat I'm and understanding me,
cause I know the complexity ofhow I may answer questions.

(03:50):
It requires some patience.

Speaker 1 (03:52):
Right, right, right.
And also we got to point to theyou know, bring it to these
people's attention out there,these judgmental mosquitoes that
the name of the podcast iscalled.
Your opinion Doesn't matter.
Right, right, right the name ofthe podcast is called your
Opinion Doesn't Matter.
Right, right, right.
Your Opinion Doesn't MatterBased upon the game, the your
Opinion Doesn't Matter debatinggame.
You can get that at wwwyodmcom.

(04:12):
I'm not too sure if I said toomany Ws, but yeah, so it's just
an opinion.
I mean, it's good, it's good,you get the good and you get the
bad.
You know, I I don't think thatwas bad, but I think some people
step across the line when theystart indulging or whispering in
other people's ears.

Speaker 3 (04:30):
Right, right, because it's your opinion.
It's your opinion.
They could critique youropinion, but when they start to
try to dissect your opinion andspeak to others that are
involved in your life, then thatmight be something else
something else?

Speaker 1 (04:45):
yeah, that could be you know that could be dangerous
like when the mc say it'stricky, yes, tricky exactly
right, right, right right.
So, um, today, let's um, we was.
We was talking about certainsituations off camera as far as
um, how family, different familycircumstance, brings to like um

(05:05):
some some sometimes chaos.
Um, I went through a situationwhere my my brother, my older
brother and it's my half brother, no don't call him half.

Speaker 3 (05:18):
No, my pops said this a long time ago.
There's no such thing as half.
It's either your brother orhe's not.

Speaker 1 (05:26):
No, the way he was acting.
It's my father's child, myfather's child.
It's your brother.

Speaker 3 (05:32):
I mean, I have siblings that weren't my father
and my mother didn't produce.
My father had two kids beforehe married my mother and I
really respected his perspectiveon that, because when I was
young I said, yo, they're myhalf siblings, that's my half
sister, my half brother.
He's like there's no such thingand you shouldn't treat them

(05:53):
that way.
That's your sister, that's yourbrother.

Speaker 1 (05:56):
Right.
Well, you know, the only reasonI said that is because he
pissed me off, that'sunderstandable'm just saying
that for the viewers, yeah, youknow.

Speaker 3 (06:04):
So it's a, that's a perspective that should and I
know we're going to segue intothis because we were talking
about family dynamics and,unfortunately, I know you're
doing you're saying it for aspecific reason, but sometimes
that is taught in householdsthat's your half brother and
that's your half sister and bysaying that alone, it ostracized

(06:26):
the child and isolates them asthough they don't belong in the
unit right right, and that'stalking from a perspective.
If one of these particularchildren we're talking about
didn't wasn't a product of themarriage, so it was people that
have children from priorrelationships and then they go
on to marry someone and havechildren with them those

(06:48):
children that they have in thattotal family unit and the
children that they had previousrelationship.
It's almost like drawing awedge between them right by
saying that's your half brother.
It's almost like, okay, that'syour brother to some degree, and
by a parent doing that to achild, it develops the kind of

(07:09):
relationship that those childrenwill have.
You could have your opinion onthat as the adult, but when you
put these kind of limitations onthe fullness of a relationship
of two children, then there'sgoing to cause a divide.

Speaker 1 (07:25):
So do you think that is maliciously done?
It's like, let's say, a mother,a mother could be pissed like
all right, she's finding outafter year seven of marriage and
they have children, five andsix and then realize, oh, he had
a 10-year-old son.

Speaker 3 (07:40):
Listen, I could understand how that would be
offsetting and it could angersomeone, but once again, these
children didn't ask to be here,no matter what circumstances
they were brought into thisworld.
That doesn't negate the factthat, especially if you stay
with this person, then you haveto accept them totally, totally,

(08:02):
and that means those childrenare a package deal, right.
Then you have to accept themtotally, totally, and that means
those children are a packagedeal.
You know, I've seen it happenin many relationships where you
did the person that they werewith.
It happens both ways man orwoman Right.
It could happen.
They could have a child fromsomeone outside of the
relationship or have a childfrom a previous relationship.
The fact of the matter is, whenyou're talking about those

(08:25):
children, there shouldn't be alabel on those children.
Even though biologically theydidn't come from the same
parents, they came from oneparent and that's enough to make
them siblings.

Speaker 1 (08:38):
Yeah, yeah.
You know, yeah and so.
But I got out.
I was on the wrong side of itof resentment, like my brother's
older than me and he tends towant to look back on certain
things Like he.
You know me, you know I gotover drinking.
You know I mean that was like a.

(09:00):
I don't think I was thatharmful, but I was harmful
enough that I could have lost myfamily.
The way I used to carry on, Iused to call my car my office.
I went from casually drinkingwith my friends partying to not
partying and drinking with myfriends.
I would say I'm going to myoffice, where's my car?

(09:20):
I'll go get a pint and likefour nips and I sit in the car
and I'll get twisted.
Three days a week, no partying.
And I was doing this for awhile.
I was doing it for a while andthen it was like it got to a
point where I was like dang, Iwant to stop.
But then things happened thatforced me to stop, not like it

(09:41):
helped me make that change,transition to I'm doing what's
right.
But then now it's like how mybrother got me upset was that we
was talking, we was in threetexts with my other two, my
other brother he's one yearolder and this particular one is
two years older.
Let me make a long story short.

(10:02):
I expressed the whole topic wasum, what helped you change?
What was positive that helpedyou change?
And then each one of us broughtup something and I was what I
was talking.
I was pertaining to my drinkingand this certain thing that far
as health reason helped mechange.
But then now the conversationwent for us sharing and to him

(10:24):
saying, oh, I was around mylearning, I'm drinking times and
stuff like that.
But like how you, that's like II was battling drinking, but
then now I'm over it.
But then you want to remind meof it.
You know I'm saying you turneda good thing into a bad thing.
And then, um, then, uh, my, myother brother, it was.
The conversation just got bad.
Then the brother that's inbetween us, he spoke to him

(10:48):
separately and said I think youresent Mark because he's your
father.
You know he was born.
My oldest brother was born thesame year.
My mother and father gotmarried and me and Dara wasn't
born yet he was born that sameyear.

(11:10):
So it's like a lot of thingsthat he could be going on, okay.
But like, how do you look at,how do you, how can you satisfy
somebody who's on on that, onthat mission, being in their 50s
and they still want to try to?
I mean I didn't mention that hedoesn't have a relationship
with his father.
I mean mean, you knoweverything.

Speaker 3 (11:31):
Well, there's a whole bunch of layers to peel back
with that man First being.
It may be beneficial to theparties involved when someone is
going through a similarsituation like that to seek some
counsel, some counseling,Because those childhood traumas

(11:52):
carry on into our adulthood andthey manifest into a lot of
detrimental behavior.
Right, so it's important tohave those conversations with
somebody outside of the familybecause, more than likely, based
on what you're telling me here,it's starting to be, you know,

(12:15):
negative conversations.
Right, you're not gaining groundbecause nobody's getting a
resolution, but something likethat needs to deal.
He needs to deal with his pasttrauma or anybody in that
position.
It may be beneficial to them todissect some of the things that
they may have been feeling ortheir younger self is feeling in
their mature body.
Right.

(12:36):
Right.
So that's part of it.
Another part of it is there'saccountability all the way
around Right.
Is there's accountability allthe way around, right.
Some of those things that hemay have said to you may have
triggered you and upset you,because he took a very
vulnerable position that youwere in that you're working

(12:57):
through and he used it as atopic to you know, bring you
down, right.
But some of that may be basedon the experiences that you guys
had when you were younger andmaybe some of the feelings that
he had towards how he wastreated, right.
That's something that's aconversation you need to have

(13:19):
with him or anybody that's goingthrough those type of things in
a calm forum right.
Nobody should be talking at eachother, maybe getting to the
bottom as to why they feel thatway, you know.

Speaker 1 (13:35):
I, I, I, I, I understand fully what you're
saying, but you, but you, youknow him, you know him well and
you know these conversations notgoing to it won't happen
because you and him had asituation and and he does not
agree with you when you're athousand percent right, right,
right.

Speaker 3 (13:51):
But but the thing is, I kind of understand why right,
and I discussed it too, butthat's, you know, that's.

Speaker 2 (13:57):
I don't want to personalize this yeah, but I
just think people going throughpeople going through similar
situations.

Speaker 1 (14:03):
Right right, right right.

Speaker 3 (14:04):
Because this is a common thing.
Common thing, right?
We're talking about childrenthat eventually become adults,
feeling ostracized, feelingisolated, feeling like they
don't belong because they don'tnecessarily they weren't in that
family unit.
There's a, there's a, there'san extended family unit and the

(14:26):
dynamics don't include them.
As to living in the household,right, but sometimes those,
those children, even live in thehousehold and still feel that
way, right, because of the, thetrauma that's actually happening
when their children, right,they're not there with their
mother and their father, they'reseeing other people in that, in

(14:49):
those family unit structuresthat doesn't look the same as
theirs, right, and they feellike they could have sense of
abandonment.
They could have it, could.
It could spawn insecurity,anger.
You'll see children acting out.
There's so many things thathappen as a result of that.

(15:11):
The only way to get ahead ofthat is to be mature and
understanding enough as a parentto sit down and have these
conversations with all of thechildren present and even the
other mates.
Right, you need a total,unified front to make that child

(15:33):
feel like they belong and theydo belong, but also to point out
to the other children that areinvolved listen, we're all
together as a family unit.
There, no difference here.
The love is the only way toreally deal with that.
I'm now not not talking aboutat adulthood, but when they're

(15:54):
children it happens.

Speaker 1 (15:55):
Then it's the responsibility of those parents
to make sure that there isn't adivide yeah, I always looked at
as family because I didn't thinkthat he showed me love.
When I was telling him that I'mgoing through things with my
mom being sick, I thought hisfamily, I thought he would have
that love.
But that that right thereshowed me he's not like my

(16:16):
brother, brother, you know.
I mean that that from that nothaving empathy and not really
caring, it's like this he showedme.
All right, we, definitely we.
There's a definite separation,there's definitely a separation,
but but no.

Speaker 3 (16:28):
But like I said though, man, um, you asked the
question do you think it'smalicious?
Like malicious behavior, someof his behavior, not just him,
but even when we discussed it,well, you, initially, we were
talking about the adultsinvolved, right, was it?
Is it malicious behavior thatdid singling out children?

(16:50):
Is it malicious behavior he hastowards you?
No, I think this is unconsciousbehavior that could happen to
people.
It's unconscious like a fathersaying, oh, that's your half
sibling, because a woman had achild in a previous relationship
.
Or vice versa, a woman sayingthat's your half sibling.
It's not malicious behavior,that's learned behavior, right?

(17:12):
So now that we first of allinteract with children, when
we're talking about now, in thisday and age, we interact with
our children way different thanour parents interacted with us.
Oh, facts, we didn't havesay-sos, there wasn't powwows
and conversations about whathappened, it's just like shut
your mouth, do what I say.

(17:33):
That's it, end of story.
Now we give children, we givethem enough.
We allow them input right, weallow them input in
conversations that were justregulated to adults years ago.
Right, we don't give them afull reign.
But I'm talking about, withthings like this sensitive,

(17:54):
sensitive subject matter likethis, we as adults are more open
to allowing children a seat atthe table to listen to this, to,
to hear their input, to try toresolve it.
I think it's more healthycommunication now.
It wasn't malicious for yearsago for parents to exclude us.
It's just they were raiseddifferently too.

(18:17):
There was.
We discussed this in a priorpodcast.
There was more of a generationgap with children and adults
when we were coming up.
Right, even down to theclothing they wore.
Like you used to look at ourparents' clothing.
We still dress youthful, likeyou and your children could have
the same kind of gear on nowBack then.

Speaker 1 (18:39):
Oh, no way.

Speaker 3 (18:40):
Them dudes high waters with church socks,
wearing sandals and socks allkind of crazy stuff.

Speaker 1 (18:45):
Wearing shoes in the summer?
Yeah, that's nutty.
Those regular shoes, you knowfashion, wasn't it?

Speaker 3 (18:50):
There was such a generation gap, then even down
to fashion.
Now, because we are, there'sless of a generation gap and
people are more, you know, intune with modern culture and
fashion and stuff like that.
That's another reason why Ithink the relationships with our

(19:10):
children have changed.
It's not like before, when wedidn't have anything in common.
We still could have things incommon.
I could sit and talk to my sonsfor three and four hours, no
problem.
So I think all of that isimportant.
It's important that children,children are involved in those

(19:33):
tough conversations because ithelped them mature and become
healthy adults as well.
Right, if we just keep thingsaway from them, how will they
learn?
How will they be prepared?
Yeah, they're not going to beprepared for those.
They could be faced with thesame things and you know, you
want to hear something isinteresting.

Speaker 1 (19:48):
Like you know, my daughter's six, you know she
said to me the other day she wastrying to express herself and
I'm telling her no, it's notlike this.
She said, yes, this is this, is, this is what it is.
Right, she's talking aboutsomething she called breadcrumbs
.
Right, this is bruno.
Um, this is, um, bready,something bready, bready.
But it's like it was like Ithought a girl, a child in her

(20:09):
class, gave it to her and it was.
I thought it's just mold, likehard bread.
She says daddy, you know, kidsare smarter than parents in some
respects.
So then I'm like I said hold on.
I said so how come I help youwith your homework every day?
She said you know sometimes,sometimes you, sometimes you do,
sometimes you know, but I knowhow to do it.

(20:29):
But then I wind up.
Going upstairs that same bread Itold her to throw away.
She didn't Because I thought itwas bread from like you throw
it away.
And she had it on the table.
I said let me show you why thisis bread.
I picked it up, put it on thefloor for the dog to eat it.
Dog smelled and walked away.
So she was right.
She was right.
It wasn't bread easy, right,right right now I'll just be

(20:52):
speaking about um.
Let's pivot into um, the kidsand and how we, how we see kids.
Let's talk about with sportslike the um, competitiveness in
sports and the lack ofopportunity with certain sports
that our kids can't you know,can't become superstars in and,
like a lot of kids, is likestuck with basketball and

(21:12):
basketball and football.
But I know you're going throughthe competitive edge with the
circuit with the AAU with yourson.
Do you ever I know I did, I wasguilty of this, I'm pretty sure
you kind of guilty of this doyou find yourself sizing up
other players on the team andthen look at them compared to

(21:35):
your son and be like yo nah,that guy's not that good, I
think.

Speaker 3 (21:39):
I think, I think he could take him yeah, of course,
I mean, that's just, that'snatural.
That's natural because who elseare you going to measure their
talent against other than kidsthat they're playing with, right
, right, but having anunderstanding See, at this age I
think less likely about wherethey are now, I look at the way

(22:01):
they play the game of who hasthe most potential to go further
.
For instance, my son just wentthrough this situation.
Initially, when he startedplaying, he was scoring a lot of
points, right, because he wasjust getting the ball, shooting
it and scoring a lot of points,and the more that his basketball

(22:21):
game changed, meaning hestarted to develop other skills
like ball handling and passingand also navigating, you know,
learning, developing his iq.
He stopped scoring as much andI think in some respects maybe
his confidence to shoot as muchdecreased, but his other senses

(22:45):
of the game increased.
Right.
Right.
So another one of his teammateson the team, which the kid is
pretty good, but at this pointit seems one dimensional.
He shoots a lot, he scores adecent amount.
He came to my son at the end ofthe game.
They won the game.

(23:05):
I watched the game.
My son only had four points,but I watched the way my son
played and for the first timesince he started playing
basketball I really got aglimpse at the type of
basketball player he will becomeNice Because he led his team.
He ran the plays.

(23:27):
Not only did he run the playsand call the plays, but he
pointed and told people where togo on the basketball court.
He was navigating the entiregame, making the right passes,
doing everything to facilitatehis teammate scoring all of
these points.
But he's still a kid.
Right.

(23:48):
When his teammate came up to himtowards the end of the game and
I'm watching and I'm listeninghis teammate came Jackson, I
have 15.
How much you had, how much youhad.
And that was things that we didwhen we were kids, when you and
I were on the same team.
As young basketball players,the first thing you would say is
how much points you had.

(24:08):
My son, I watched him, he gotemotional and I saw him getting
emotional.
So after the game was over,this was a valiant lesson I went
in.
This is why coaching isimportant as a matter of fact At
this level, just like we'retalking about the foundation of
a child's interaction in ahousehold.

(24:29):
When we allow our children toplay for certain coaches, we
give them the keys to influenceour children Right.
So we really have to beselective on who we allow to
give our children messages andwhat messages they're giving our
children.
So I say that to say I pulledmy son on the side and he was

(24:53):
visibly distraught, not crying,but on the brink, because I
think he felt let down, that hedidn't score more points.
So I said listen, man, yourfather has experience in this
sport, as you know, man, and Iwatched you and I watched a
quality that you can't justteach, and that's leadership.

(25:17):
You were a leader on that courtand you impressed me so much.
Forget about scoring, man,that's going to gonna come.
You can score, but you weren'tconcentrating on scoring, so
that's why you didn't score asmany points as you probably
could have, and I don't need youto do that.
So as I'm relaying this messageand I'm telling him how proud I
am, his coach walks over andsees him, see me preaching to

(25:40):
him and seeing him a littledistraught, especially after a
win.
His coach was like Mr McIntyre,I got this, give me a minute.
I said sure, because I trustthis coach.
He said Jackson, why do youlook like that?
He said I am so impressed withwhat you did.
He said forget about points.
He just knew what was happening.

(26:01):
He said, forget about points,he just knew what was happening.
He said forget about points.
You're the only person I givethe keys to the team.
You run my team.
You run my plays.
You do everything that I wantsomebody to do.
That's the leader on my team.
He reiterated exactly what Isaid and I said you see, I just
told you that.
So I bring that up to say thatyou know, at this stage of the

(26:39):
game, when it comes to childrenin sports or in households, it's
a matter of developing them forwho they will become, not even
who they are now, because thedisappointment comes later if
you don't do this foundationalwork Right, right now, because
the disappointment comes laterif you don't do this
foundational work right.

Speaker 1 (26:49):
right, I had come.
I had a situation when I wascoaching and I I got real upset
with one one kid, um, he ran tothe.
He ran to the um table and sayhow much he scored, but we lost.
And the thing about it is Iknew his father.
His father used to play ballwith me but he was there with
his mother, right, and I said,no, don't do that, don't do that

(27:10):
.
I said your father wouldn'tlike you doing that because he
grew up in a ball.
When you play ball, you don'tdo that, especially when you
lost.
You never check the score whenyou lose.
When you lost.

Speaker 3 (27:21):
We used to do it, but it's not something that's good.
As a coach, you're supposed toteach him.
It's not about you, Iunderstand.
It's about the team.

Speaker 1 (27:30):
Yeah.
And the mother, she's sayingwhat are you telling my son
about?
Oh, you're going to tell hisfather.
I said his father won't likethat, but I will tell him if I
feel like it.
I mean, it's like she's sayingbut but what was so wrong about
that?
I said you're not.

(27:52):
I said it's certain ethics youneed to have or you might not
know it because you didn't playball, it's basketball ethics.
Oh man, you don't.
You do not certain things youdon't do.
You don't run to the, you lose.
You don't smile and run to seehow much you scored.
You know, it's just the way.
And then one second, it's justlike another thing that I'm

(28:14):
teaching my daughter.
She's playing basketball andduring the practice she's the
only girl there and she feelsdown that like the boys are
faster, like they be doingfaster.
They're like real Roby-ish,they're like running fast, but
they are that's without the ball.
But when they have the ball, Isaid, listen, they running

(28:34):
faster, like that without theball.
But I said when they get theball, y'all are going at the
same speed.
She says yes.
I said all right, that's whatis really right, that's what's
up, that's what is really that,what really matters.
And then she had did something Ididn't like.
Um, there was another kid thatwas just learning.
She was like that two years agoand she was like she had that

(28:57):
oh man, we're gonna lose becausethey were doing some a drill,
running to go get a cone andcome back and that kid couldn't
dribble.
So I said, I said and she wasvoicing it out loud I called her
, I said don't you ever do that,because you was that kid before
.
And I said you don't like whenthese boys, when they running
and they fastening you and theysay, oh, hurry up, catch up.

(29:17):
You don't like that.
So why are you doing that?
To somebody else.
And she says yeah, you're right.

Speaker 3 (29:26):
Right says yeah you're right right, that was a
teaching moment, so that'sexactly what we're discussing.
See, you had a teaching moment,because with children it's easy
to see.
It's not malicious, right,because it's a child, so to to
piggyback on what we werediscussing earlier.
Sometimes with adults it's notmalicious either.
Sometimes you have to pointthings out to people that they

(29:48):
just don't see.
But it's important that yourdelivery is digestible to them,
because certain deliveriesaren't digestible, people just
they're not consuming it,they're not going to take it on
because of how it's presented.
Right, they're not going to takeit on because of how it's
presented, right?
So if you don't say that toyour daughter, she carries on

(30:11):
like nothing, right?
But you pointed it out and nowshe can see that she was once in
that position.
It happens with all children,right?
It's teachable moments, so manydifferent things.
Like my son, he's a jerk.
My son is a jerk in somerespects, sort of like me.
I can't even say that I wasn't,so he's a nice dude, but, for

(30:32):
instance, he clearly is atalented basketball player for
his age.
But he'll be playing with hisclose friends.
What does he want to do?
Shake them up and make them hitthe floor.
So I'm like, why are you doingthat?
These are kids that are noteven really basketball players.

(30:52):
Oh so you want to abuse them.
Yeah, he wants to abuse his ownfriends.
I'm like you think they'regoing to want to play basketball
with you after this.
No, so all of these areteachable moments, even with him
.
And I was like br bro, none ofyour friends is going to want to
play with you, because as soonas you get an opportunity to
embarrass them, that's whatyou're going to.
This is what you're going to doonce you get an opportunity.
So you know, it's just.
Those are teachable momentswith kids Now that we're adults.

(31:15):
Not just a family dynamic oflike nuclear family mother,
brother, sister, father butextended family and friends,
right.
I think in a prior podcast wediscussed this and it was about
relationships, and I have mademention to how difficult it is

(31:39):
when you're in a relationship.
Let's say you have a long termrelationship with the opposite
sex, a man and a woman in a longterm relationship, and they met
, let's say, very young, 18,high school, college.
They met, stayed together, gotmarried and now they've been
married 20, some odd years, 25years.

(32:04):
And you hear the term grow apart.
Right, which is a real thing.
People can grow apart.
Your interests can change, youmay not be aligned in different
things that lead therelationship to deteriorate
somewhat and people get divorcedright, those things happen.

(32:25):
But when it's friends, youmight have to divorce them too.
Facts, right.
If you have a friendship that'slasted all that amount of time
and that's the difficulties wehave with siblings, with friends
, platonic friends, when peopleknow you for that long.

(32:48):
I had a disagreement with afamily member of mine and the
family member I had thedisagreement with says to me do
you remember when you did suchand such to me, you, the same

(33:11):
person.
I thought about it and I'm likewhat do you mean they talking
about when I was 17 years old?
Right, because of therelationship has such a long
history, they can point outthings to when you were so
immature immature you don't evenknow who that kid is anymore,
right, but they know you, sothey're going to point to that

(33:32):
specific issue that you, you mayhave wronged them when you were
17 years old, right?
Yeah, I'm a grown-ass man now.
Yeah, I don't think the sameway.
Why are we still discussingmatters that happened when we
were all children?
Yeah, but that's what'sdifficult with friendships

(33:52):
especially.
Yeah, I said this me and youhad a, even you and I.
Let's be honest, allfriendships go through rough
patches.
I remember me and you wentthrough a rough patch and I
remember it got heated, right,but that's a testament to our
friendship that we're still here.
And I remember saying to you yo, if we met today, would we be

(34:17):
friends?
Would we be friends?
That's a question that peoplehave to ask when there's a,
because all friendships gothrough trouble, troubling times
, right?

Speaker 1 (34:29):
because of the history.

Speaker 3 (34:30):
Yes, yes, yes but but now you have it in your hands
as adults to talk through thesethings that you held on to,
because most of those retaliateretaliatory behavior and
retaliation for be for certainthings that have happened and
your retaliation now for thingsthat happen when you're 17,.
That's because you needcommunication and you need to

(34:54):
get to the root of what thatproblem was when we were
children, because that's trauma.
That's also childhood trauma.
Your friend may have wrongedyou when they were 16.
You never dealt with it.
You held on to it and now thatyou're grown, you're doing
things that could be of seriousdetriment.
I've seen people do seriousthings to people now for things

(35:15):
that happened that when theywere children.
Right, it's like really you'regonna go and tell, say some shit
to my wife or my husband youknow a woman saying that you're
gonna to tell my husband this afriend of mine or do something
that is detrimental to theirlife.
Right, because of some pent upfrustration you have when you're
out with children and you know.

Speaker 1 (35:36):
So you know I know how right you are.
It's that you know my father,like you know.
You know I was born in Bed-Stuyand you know I moved to East
Flappers when I was seven.
But mind you, my father's beena drinker, smoker.
He's been in the US, he's fromTrinidad, he's been in the US 10
years before.
So at that point, 17 years he'sbeen in Bed-Stuy.

(35:59):
But then now once he and youknow he used to hang out a lot.
Obviously you're drinking andyou know I used to hang out a
lot.
Obviously you drink and youdrink and you got people you
hang with.
But then now, once he got sober,the first year we moved to East
Flatbush and I used to, andthen I was like I never seen
nobody as we went to like sayWinthrop as yes.
So then that means like acouple of years after we moved,

(36:21):
like when I'm 11, 12, I'm likehow come I have all my friends,
how come I don't see my fatherwith his friends?
And then I got older, thenolder, and I'm like I'm thinking
me having a group of corefriends, is it?
And then I realized and I askedhim.
He said we don't live the samelifestyles, we just don't.
And then he didn't reallyelaborate on it.

(36:43):
But then I understand whycertain friends, friendships
expire.
Yeah, it definitely expires.
You got to shelf it.
Yes, it's like you know,certain food just the shelf life
.
You know you got to throw itaway.

Speaker 3 (36:55):
If they're not adding value.
My perspective is this If afriendship with someone is not
adding value to your life, youhave to question it, man,
because at this stage of thegame, they're not just

(37:15):
interacting with you, right?
They're interacting with yourfamily, and there's even family
members you can feel like thatabout.
If you're not adding value tomy life, then I don't see the
need because the only thing I'mgoing to set myself up for is
disappointment.
Yeah, right, if I have to sayfriendships at this stage of

(37:36):
life, man, should be easy.
You should just be adding value.
Whether we get money together,we traveling, our families is
interacting, you're bringingpositive energy and you're a
champion for me.
If you're not a champion for meto win and I'm not being a
champion for you to win, then Idon't see a defeat to the
purpose of us taking up eachother's time and space.

(37:58):
It's a waste of time, yeahthere's no need for it.

Speaker 1 (38:01):
It's just like if you're in a relationship, you're
a burden on your partner.
What are you there for?
And it's the same thing asfriends.
It's like I don't.
I don't need to go backwardsbecause I'm going forward.
I don't need to cater to yourfeelings.
That's like how my brother wastalking his trash.
I'm not here to pat you on yourshoulders saying everything
gonna be alright.

(38:21):
Man, you pay those therapists,the ones who got you in the
middle, sitting them chairs andwith the with the white see, but
no, but you see, it depends.

Speaker 3 (38:29):
You see, you have, you guys have a cross to bear
right now.
You, when you work through thatand get a resolution because
you just contradicted what Ijust said a friend should be the
one that pat you on theshoulder and tell you everything
is going to be all right.
But it's hard to do that whenthere's conflict, existing
conflict you understand.

(38:49):
So that's what I'm so.
So you guys may be right tofilter each other out of each
other's lives for now, until theconflict is resolved, because
that's what's so dangerous abouthaving a friend that you have
conflict and still treating itlike it's still a friendship,
because what ends up happeningis that energy that you guys

(39:11):
will have towards each other.
Nobody's going to win, becauseyou're going to have a dark
cloud in your circle that you'restill embracing with a beard
across, and that's a dangerousrelationship to be in, because
you could do a lot of detrimentto each other.
So you need to just filter itout.
It doesn't even have to beforever, like some of the people

(39:32):
, some of the things and some ofthe experiences that I realized
too.
You don't have to get rid ofsomeone forever.
It's just like when arelationship ends.
It's similar things.
The platonic relationships andfriendships and the intimate
relationships are similar oncertain levels, because when a

(39:55):
relationship ends, there's astorm, right.
But if you had a soundfoundation with the person you
ended that relationship with atsome point, the storm will cease
, right, and then you could getback to the foundation of the
friendship you had, if you'resmart, or the relationship.
So then you're going to wanteach other to win.

(40:16):
So it could be for a time thatyou put a pause on that
relationship or that friendshipuntil the conflict is resolved,
when that conflict is resolvedand everybody is taking
accountability for their.
See, that's the thing.
Not one person needs to takeaccountability, because more
than likely it's two to tangoman.
Yeah, with any friendship orrelationship, it's important for

(40:37):
each party to takeaccountability for their wrong.
They got to if they don't, thenyou're not going to get
resolution and that's the thing.

Speaker 1 (40:45):
When they's the thing , when the levels of
accountability, when this levelis on 10, and then this person
say no, I'm only going to bringit up to three, they're not
matching the same level of, okay, accountability.
If it's a situation thathappened, don't just point the
finger and look at that person.
Don't point the finger and say,hey, it's you, it's you, it's

(41:05):
you, it's you, what about you?
And that's the thing it's aboutwhen you start learning
yourself and be like all right,okay, I'm walking these steps by
myself and I got to realize whoI am, and the only way to go
forward is to know who you areand accountability is a strong
thing that you need to have, bebecause you need to.

Speaker 3 (41:26):
You need to have because it's like, but that
takes humility.
A lot of people don't havehumility.
They don't with accountability.
There's humility, right.
So if that relationship is thatimportant to you, right, and
you're the one that has humility, then it's okay if you take the
lead and show youraccountability first.
So, so, if I know I had wrongand we're not challenging who

(41:48):
was more wrong If there's wrongenough wrong to go around and
you're the one with humility andthe relationship or not just a
relationship the resolve, theresolution, is that important to
you Because they could bedetermining factors there, like
children, for instance.
Right, I'm going to tell you ascenario that happened to me and

(42:09):
maybe this could help some menout there that might be going
through a situation that'ssimilar.
So my oldest son's mother, herand I were good friends and
we're great friends now we'refamily but we went through a
serious rough patch and I wasn'ttaking accountability for my

(42:32):
actions.
I just wasn't at a matureenough level to understand.
I understood what I did.
I just didn't know how to getus to a point of regaining our
friendship.
There was a storm happening,the relationship was ended.
The relationship ended to getus to a point of regaining our
friendship.
Right, there was a stormhappening.
The relationship was ended, therelationship ended and we were
great friends prior to us beinginvolved.

(42:54):
And then the relationship endedand the friendship just wasn't
there.
And I knew it was there, I justcouldn't see it.
Right.
Right, right, I'm thinking tomyself what can I do to get us
back to a point where you knowwe're friends she's not stopping

(43:15):
me from seeing my kid, none ofthat stuff but we're just not
communicating like we used to,and I was just like man.
I don't know what to do.
So I sat in my bed.
I laid in my bed one night andI was just like man.

(43:48):
I don't know what to do.
So I sat in my bed.
I laid in my bed one night andI was just like yo.
I don't know what it is, youknow.
Obviously, all the other thingswere I'm taking care of my kid.
I'm seeing him financially.
I'm still, I'm doing all thethings that's deemed, that's
necessary to say, I'm a fatherand doing the best I can as a
father and I'm involved in hislife at this point always.
But for some reason we justcouldn't get back to that, that
point of friendship.
And then I laid in my bed and Iwas like yo, there has to be
something I'm missing here.
And then it came to me.
Although we weren't togetherand we weren't rekindling that

(44:10):
part of our relationship, I hadto apologize to her.
I had to be mad enough toapologize and absorb because I
was already making a transition,and absorbed because I was
already making a transition Meas a person, and how and where I
was going.
I was already transitioning andI was already maturing as a

(44:31):
person.
But that doesn't mean I didn'tleave a path of destruction and
I wasn't seeing that because I'mlike we're not together.
Whatever, it's cool.
I see my kid.
We say hi and bye, but weweren't treating each other what
I was accustomed to.
So what I had to do is I had todig deep into myself.
So then I went and I said can Italk to you?

(44:52):
And we were at a point whereshe was just like, okay, what do
you have to tell me?
Like, just get your kid, andyou know, and I was like, um, I
need five, five, ten minutes ofyour time, just you and I.
Let's take a walk outside, letme talk to you.
I took a walk in the park and Isaid I need to tell you

(45:12):
something.
First and foremost, I am sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't the man thatI should have been for you.
I'm sorry I wasn't matureenough to acknowledge it at the
time.
I apologize that you see mygrowth and I didn't grow that

(45:33):
with you.
You deserve this apology and Idon't know if this is going to
change things, but I need you toknow that I'm sincerely sorry
that I wasn't mature enough tohandle the challenges that we
were faced with.
And after that, my relationship.
You know what she turned andsaid to me.
She said thank you, I've beenwaiting for this and our

(45:55):
relationship just skyrocketed.

Speaker 1 (45:57):
Nice, that's very nice, that's very nice.

Speaker 3 (46:00):
But it takes humility , yeah, it takes an
understanding.
It takes self-growth beforecertain people get to that point
.
But some of our listeners outthere hopefully that helps,
especially men, becausesometimes you know it takes

(46:20):
longer for us to mature theaccountability part.
Yeah, man Say sorry man.
You'd be surprised how far thistakes you, this takes you, and
not just say it, mean it, meanit and also understand that
sometimes that's what people manor woman that we've wronged

(46:48):
some of our behaviors, andunderstand that that is probably
the result as to where we aretoday with this person, it's
okay to be, have humility andsay yo listen, it's my bad.
Don't just look for them to tosay this is what they did wrong.
But guess what?
That might be a vessel.
So to get the the resolutionfrom them that you're looking
for.

Speaker 1 (47:05):
So, bro, let me ask you a question now.
Say, you say sorry, right,because I went through this.
You said sorry, okay, it wasunderstood.
You say sorry, but then, likeyears later, they still talk
about it.
They still talk about thesituation, which the situation
could be two-sided.
But if you're the only onewe're talking about

(47:33):
accountability, say with friendsand family, if you're the only
one, it's not like, like somepeople say, say a situation
happened, they'll, and you saysorry, but you're saying sorry
for your role.
You're saying sorry for yourrole, but then but they'll take
it as you're saying sorrybecause you don't want to make
it happen and then they get itmisconstrued here Like hold on.
I went through a situation Isaid sorry for something and

(47:54):
then years later they bring itto my attention.
You're saying sorry becausethis is you.
No, I'm saying sorry because myintentions and my results
didn't add up.
My intentions, I'm not wrongfor the situations.
When does accountability come onthe other side?
Like my brother, he'll bring upsome it's not only my brothers,

(48:15):
my friends.
It's like they go throughcertain things and they'll just
find a reason to connect you toit or connect you to how they
feel.
Because I look at at like thisif I'm loved by lots of people,
lots and lots of people, I'mloved.
But then certain people wouldhave issues with me.
Certain people can't say evenadam, like he said, oh, you're

(48:38):
the mayor of these flatbushes,you know I mean be funny saying
certain things like that.
But then how can you and andnot only that, the community
stuff that we do, you know henever done it, or people who
have problems with they?
They don't do, they don't careabout people.
So so now, if I would help atotal stranger, why would I hurt
a friend?

(48:59):
that's true why would I hurt afriend or a family member if I,
if I would right after thisintentionally?

Speaker 3 (49:05):
intentionally no.
You're saying why would youhurt a friend?
But you can't hurt.
We can't hurt right.
And that's when that's when.

Speaker 1 (49:12):
Sorry, that's when sorry what happened, because if
I'm, I'm after we leave here,I'm gonna go help other kids
right now for free, right?
So then.
But then now, why would I?
Why, when I do say sorry for mywhatever it is, you don't take
it like that and understand that?

Speaker 3 (49:25):
yeah, and it's I agree with you 100, because it's
very difficult to be in thetype of conversation and this
goes back to what we were sayinginitially.
This is the determining factor.
If you, if you have a lopsidedrelationship with a family
member or a mate, right, ifyou're taking accountability for

(49:50):
your part in the deteriorationof that relationship, whether
friendship or intimaterelationship and the other
person is blind and don't seetheir position or their wrong in
this relation, in that and whythe relationship deteriorated,
it's a hard pill to swallow.

(50:11):
However, I'll say this when youdo practice that humility and
you go into it and you take youraccountability, don't do it
with the intention of getting areceipt, a confirmation from
them on their accountability.
You can't go into it because,once again, you got to manage

(50:34):
your expectations.
If you know, right, that's alot to do with your sanity too,
and how you and how you move inlife mm-hmm it's important that
you manage your expectationswith your friends, with your
family, with your spouse withyour mate.
Managing your expectationallows you the opportunity to

(50:55):
have control of a situation.
If I go into a conversation andI don't manage my expectations
on what you possibly will do,that can make me snap, because,
if I'm like yo Mont, it was myfault.
Man, I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have did this andthis, and that Even though you
had a part in it.
If I'm waiting, so what next,mont, and you say nothing?

(51:17):
Where's the possibilities ofwhat could have occurred here?
That could get physical, right,right, that could get physical
because I didn't manage myexpectations.
Yeah, manage your expectations.
I was looking for you to meetme at a place, it's very true,
and I didn't manage myexpectations, right.
If you don't manage yourexpectations, then the only
thing that could follow isdisappointment.

Speaker 1 (51:38):
Right, but suppose you do manage your expectations,
right?
You put everything up front.
You say what you say, you, you,you've said what you did and
this is what you're takingaccountability for, and you said
it once.
Does this conversation need togo forward?
Should, should they keep livingin the past?

(52:00):
The person you were speaking?

Speaker 3 (52:01):
no, that's when you're supposed to cut them off.
You cut them off.
That's what I'm saying.
So you have this conversation.
Shelf life expired.
You know that this person youcan't get resolved from because
they're not takingaccountability.
They could be narcissistic,because that's narcissism to me
If you're just like oh, thankyou for saying sorry.

(52:21):
Okay that's enough.
That's some of the traits ofnarcissism.
Right, I'm meeting you halfway.
I'm telling you where I wrongedyou.
If you tell me that you couldtake accountability for your
part in this, then we can goforward and we could dissect the
things that may have troubledus both and save this

(52:41):
relationship.
But if you don't partake inyour part and you just ignoring
the obvious, then now I have toeliminate you out of my life.
So question that's how I got todo it?

Speaker 1 (52:56):
Should you ask them?
Hey, listen, I said what I said.
Should you ask them to take?
Are you going to takeaccountability?

Speaker 3 (53:01):
So this might be a good way of how you get them to
open up.
After you say what you say andthey don't say anything, you
don't respond negatively becauseat the end of the day, you want
some, some, some resolve.
I'm not saying that you, you,you also have to come to grips
with the fact Once again is thisperson adding value right to my

(53:23):
life?
If I just want resolutionbecause I just don't want a dark
cloud, that's one thing.
But if you manage not just yourexpectations but you manage a
relationship with them, becauseat the end of the day, at this
stage of life, like, I had thisconversation maybe a year ago or
so with someone and I was likeyo, yo, I don't even let people

(53:46):
know I'm pissed off with them,no more, because what do I gain
from that?
But somebody hating me, right,I have to manage how I maneuver
now with that person.
Facts when I was younger, youwould know when I'm pissed off
at you I'm not going to tell youright, so you could be in your,
in your house or wherever,throwing ob on me or doing you
don't need to know none of that.

(54:07):
I don't let nobody know, theymad.
Oh, they tell me somethingcrazy.
Oh, yo chill Drinks on me.
I'm not going to tell you.
I'm not telling people unless Ihave to deal with you.
But other than that, I'm notalerting you that I'm not
fucking with you no more.
How do I win?

(54:28):
By letting you know I'm pissedoff with you.
So I could be walking down adark alley somewhere and I get
stabbed and no one know who didit.
I'm not telling nobody that I'mmad at them at all.

Speaker 1 (54:39):
Listen, I'm done with that.
You'll get the memo.

Speaker 3 (54:42):
You won't know.
You know how.
You know how I'm done with that.
You'll get the memo.
You won't know.
You know how.
You know how I maneuver.
Yeah, now it's left up to you tobe like yo, this dude, he
acting funny with me.
And then they'll ask me I'm not, we cool.
They don't know that I alreadycut him off, right, they already
know.
They don't know.
There's no need for them to know, because you don't need that
looking to get resolved fromsomebody that's going to be a

(55:05):
part of your life, whether youlike it or not, someone like a
family member you could regulatehow much time you spend with
the person or whatever, but atthe end of the day, that's your
family, right, and you do wantsomeone resolved because it's
kind of unsettling to you,especially when someone is that
close, like a brother, a sister,because I think those kind of
relationships, of relationships,man, you could limit your

(55:26):
interactions, but it transcends,it goes above you, right.
So if you have someone thatclose to you, right, and they're
celebrating a mutual nephew ora close cousin, you, there's a
divide there.
I had something like thathappen to me, where it's like

(55:49):
nobody wants you to choose sides, like I'd rather have the
resolution and we don't have tobe besties, but we could be
cordial to each other.
But to say that they'readversary now, I think that's a
little bit too much.
So in those kinds of situationsI'd rather have the resolve,

(56:12):
even though the nature of therelationship has changed.
We don't have to be as close,we don't have to be best friends
, but we could be cordial and wecould say hello and see each
other at events and it not be nohate filled room.
So those kinds of relationships, you want some resolve and if
that relationship is thatimportant and the parties are
mature enough, there can be aresolution okay, having some
sort of resolution here.

Speaker 1 (56:31):
Now I'm gonna ask you a question.
You have two older brothers,right?
Yeah now can you be cool withyour brother if he never checks
for your kids Ever?

Speaker 3 (56:44):
Your question.
You said to me Now I understandhow difficult that.
Is Right, I understand thatcompletely Because it's happened
with me.
Right, honestly, I can say it'shappened with me.
Um, but to piggyback on what wediscussed, man and I had to

(57:07):
learn that too, we got to manageour expectations, manage people
.
You got to manage yourexpectations of people, because
if we don't manage ourexpectations on how we expect
people to respond and what wewant them to do, we're going to
be disappointed.

Speaker 1 (57:24):
Disappointed time and time again.

Speaker 3 (57:26):
Because, bro, I had this conversation with my wife.
Let me tell you what happenedwith me and my wife and this is
some deep stuff here and it'salong the same lines of managing
expectations.
We cannot put the onus on otherpeople to act and to conduct

(57:46):
themselves the way we conductourselves, and that's managing
expectations.
My wife is somebody who is veryfestive when it comes to
holidays, birthdays.
She celebrates her birthday foran entire month.
Right, she celebrates me likethat, and I'm not a person who

(58:10):
does that for my birthday.
I've had two birthday partiesmy entire life, when I was six
and when I was 50, that was it.
I'm not a birthday.
I celebrate my birthday in adifferent way, like traveling
and doing things on my birthday,but I'm not a party guy.
I always felt and that's mypersonal whatever it was derived

(58:30):
from and maybe derived from mychildhood, I don't know where it
was derived from I viewbirthday parties, as for me, is
celebrating myself, right, andI'm not really big on
celebrating myself.
I kind of feel like it's avanity thing and it's not saying
that I'm not vain in my ownways, it's just the birthday
thing.
I don't celebrate birthdays tothat degree, right, right.

(58:53):
As for party purposes.
Understand, like everybody.
Oh, scream for lamb.
Like I'm not, I'm not on that,I'd rather be like yo.

Speaker 1 (59:02):
Let's all go to Mexico or Trini or Columbia or
wherever we take a trip, so wefeel like it's everybody's party
.

Speaker 3 (59:11):
Yeah, I'm more about it being everybody's party.

Speaker 1 (59:13):
Now shine a light on them and all that hey you should
join yourself that time, yeah,but Downtown Brooklyn, we had a
party for you, surprise partyfor you, yeah but that's what
I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (59:23):
That was enjoyable for me then for that party,
right, but I'm not somebody whonormally celebrates that.
We told them I'm a 50th.
Yeah, okay, we can do that forthat, but I'm not somebody every
year.
So I'm saying that to say whenpeople, I'm pointing this out
with her and it's not her fault,it's just how we all think,
right, she's very festive.

(59:44):
All think, right, she's veryfestive.
So when it came time for herbirthday one year, I did what I
thought was a significant amount, right, so I celebrated that
one, two, two days, three daysor whatever.
But she's so festive that shewas almost like disappointed
that you didn't do as much, yeah, so I had to have a real

(01:00:07):
conversation.
It's not her fault, but shedoesn't manage her expectations
now after.
So I'm gonna finish it up.
So she was disappointed.
I was like, hold on for asecond.
I think I had literally two tothree parties for her.
Like we had a party out of thecountry, a small party out of
the country, a small party outof the country, a party here and

(01:00:28):
a dinner, and it was like, ok,we did all those things.
Now let's have a private dinner, me and you, where you
celebrate me again.
Shucks, she's just one of thosepeople.
There's people I know, peoplelike that, some of my boys is
like that too, some people Iknow.
So she almost had disappointment.
So then I had to have a realconversation with her and I was
like, listen, you know, I was alittle perturbed by it.

(01:00:52):
I was like what kind of shit isthis Right?
And then I had to dissect and Iwas like hold on, I got it now.
So I sat her down.
I was like, listen, this is whatyou like, this is your thing.
Right, the celebration for yourbirthday is your thing.
But you, because you love itand you enjoy it, you got to

(01:01:15):
manage your expectations on howI'm going to do it for you.
I'm not you Exactly.
I'm never going to think ascreative and festively like you.
I've done, done something, butyou may be disappointed because
you're looking for this big,brave thing that you would do.
So you got to manage yourexpectations.

(01:01:36):
After that conversation, herperspective on things did change
because she said to me you'reabsolutely right.
She was like I didn't eventhink about it like that.
And all of us, we have tomanage our expectations, because
a lot of us look for people torespond the way we would.
We would definitely definitelyin a lot of different situations

(01:01:57):
.
Definitely, definitely.
So that's why it's importantfor us to manage to manage our
expectation, be like hold on,hold on.
This person may never respondthe way we will, and we got to
manage the fact that that'spossible.
So we don't fly off the handlelike yo, if it was me because
that's what we're saying If itwas me, I would have never done
that, I would have checked foryour kid, I would have came here

(01:02:19):
.
We cannot do that.
Yeah, because some of thesepeople don't have the capacity,
and that's what I have said toher.
I said yo, I just don't havethe capacity to celebrate the
way you celebrate.
It's not in me, it's nothingagainst me.
I hope you're not holding thisagainst me, but you have to
understand.
I don't celebrate myself, sohow am I going to celebrate?

Speaker 1 (01:02:38):
you that way.
And I'm me.
Yeah, that's 100%, I agree withyou.
I agree with you.
I agree with you Managingexpectations is something that
you definitely 2025.

Speaker 3 (01:02:48):
That's what you got to do Manage your expectations.
Yes.

Speaker 1 (01:02:52):
And you know, don't put how you feel on somebody
else.

Speaker 3 (01:02:56):
Yes, or what you would do.
You can't look for others to door maneuver the way you would.
Yeah, you have to allow themthe space, right, and that's
cool.
But you could communicate thatright, right, if we communicate
that you manage yourexpectations and you realize
organically this person is notgoing to do this, right, then

(01:03:16):
you may be able to to say tothem well, listen, I know you're
not going to go and do this,but I'll be honest with you.
I would really, it would reallybe appreciated if you know you
develop a relationship with my,my kids.
After all, this is your nieceor your nephew or whatever.
Like I said, I've been downthat road as well.

(01:03:39):
Sometimes People, like we saidearlier, sometimes people don't
even know, like we said earlier,sometimes people don't even
know that they're not doingsomething.
Sometimes they're blind to itbecause they may not view it the
same as you Like.
For instance, you may be moreinvolved with children, right,

(01:04:02):
and now your sibling?
You're like yo, you ain't evenchecking my kid.
But they might be the type ofpeople who don't even interact
with children and don't care to.
So you might be projecting ontothem, like yo, why you ain't
check for your niece or nephewand why you didn't do this.
And they're like I don't even,I don't even rock with kids like
that.
If I see them, I get them akiss and five dollars and I

(01:04:22):
break out.
But that's not you.
So you have to really look atthe full picture and be like,
and if you're that bothered byit which I was bothered by it
too, but then you have to manageyour expectations.

Speaker 1 (01:04:39):
Manage your expectations, man.
That's a good way to so youdon't piss yourself off.

Speaker 3 (01:04:44):
Yeah, they sleeping good at night.
You know when you're troubled,so you don't piss yourself off.
Yeah, you know they sleepinggood at night.
You know, yeah, when you'retroubled if you don't manage
your expectations.
You know who doesn't sleep goodat night Us, yeah, because now
we like yo.
What's up with this guy man.

Speaker 1 (01:04:58):
And he's like this hey, you know what I'm going to
help manage my daughter'sexpectations on Santa.

Speaker 3 (01:05:10):
Yeah, I can't manage my son.

Speaker 1 (01:05:14):
His fat self is not coming down the chimney.
Oh yeah, you got to tell him itwas you.
It's me, of course, yes, ofcourse this is what it is.
No, you're not daddy.
Oh yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:05:22):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (01:05:23):
The expectations of this child?

Speaker 3 (01:05:24):
That came out of my wallet yes.
The expectations of this thatcame out of my wallet yes.

Speaker 1 (01:05:28):
Santa didn't pay for that.
It wasn't a ghost.

Speaker 3 (01:05:30):
Santa didn't do nothing.
It wasn't a ghost that paid forthat Right.

Speaker 1 (01:05:31):
So listen, this was a great great show, man, great
great show.
And you know this show the yourOpinion Doesn't Matter podcast
came from the your OpinionDoesn't Game man and you played
it.
You played it a couple times.

Speaker 3 (01:05:45):
I'm going to give you the audience, a quick story
about the game.
So when he first developed thisgame, you know I loved it from
the inception.
But when my friend came to mewith this game, I bought it from
him.
I didn't get it free, like someof you guys.

(01:06:07):
I gave him the 20 for the gamebecause if we don't support our
friends, then how would theysucceed?
I hate when people even like mytax business.
I have an income taxpreparation business over 25
years and I've had people callme from tax offices asking me my

(01:06:28):
advice because once againthey're oblivious, that they're
not even supporting you, right?
So they're calling me to ask mehow do I feel about something
in another tax office?
And they're giving.
It sounds like it sounds likehundred dollars an hour to me.
That's what it sounds likeright from me.
I've had people leave taxoffices and say yo, I'm bugging,
I called you to ask you taxadvice, yo, I'm gonna come see

(01:06:52):
you right now.
But they didn't even know whatthey were doing.
They calling me from my office,that's how.
But some the same two peopleI'm talking about came and
supported my business.
But it's important to supportyour friends because if we don't
support our immediate friendsand our immediate network, then
how would you be successful?
How many friends you have onInstagram, facebook, if you got

(01:07:16):
a thousand friends, if everybodybought it is, is that less than
2% in the United?

Speaker 1 (01:07:28):
States are African-American game creators.
Yeah, 2%, 2%, and I'm part ofthe people that actually made
one and it's like you know, it's, and you look at certain things
that people would love to getfree games.
I would love to give you freegames too, but like they need to
support you.
You need to support, you need Ifeel like we don't do a lot of

(01:07:50):
support, man and you know andthen it's important to do so.
It's definitely important to.
It's definitely important to doso, but then again, the first
people who will support you arethe people who's not your
friends, absolutely, absolutely.

Speaker 3 (01:08:06):
Back to the.
I'm going to pump this and I'mgoing to say how organically
this game was a hit.
I had the game in my house.
I went on vacation.
My daughter, my oldest childshe at the time was like 21.
She was in the apartment, justhouse sitting with her friends

(01:08:27):
and at the time I had the gamein the apartment, just house
sitting with her friends.
And at the time I had the gamein the apartment and she said,
dad, what game is that you hadin the house there?
I was playing it with myfriends.
It's incredible.
So I had a whole bunch of gamesat the time in my apartment at
the time and she was like it'sthe one that is thought

(01:08:51):
provoking.
It had us debating.
I was like you talking aboutyour opinion doesn't matter.
She said we love it.
And these were young people.
They were inspired by the game.
She was like we played thatgame for four or five hours,
just to give you a quickbackdrop on how interesting the
game is.
And these are reallyintelligent young people.

(01:09:12):
I credit her with the circlethat she had.
They were exceptionallyintelligent kids and they really
admired the game.
And when I told her it was oneof my closest friends that that
made the game.
She couldn't believe it.
She was so in awe of how, thetype of conversations it invoked
and how much they got to flextheir mental muscle.

(01:09:36):
So please go out there andsupport this.
You won't regret it.
It's a great game, night game.
You can have a few drinks.
It might get intense, but butuh, it's definitely a great game
.

Speaker 1 (01:09:49):
So go out and support it for family and friends.
Man, you can pick it up atwwwyodmcom and, hey, it's a
great game for family andfriends and this is the your
opinion doesn't matter podcastvery good.
Show man excellent, very goodshow your man Excellent.
Very good, show yourexpectations, manage your
expectations, manage it, god dogit.

Speaker 3 (01:10:11):
It'll only save you in the long run.

Speaker 1 (01:10:13):
Save you in the long run.
Hey, and if your brother'sbringing you a place of?
Unease.
His shelf life expired man.

Speaker 3 (01:10:20):
You kick him to the curb.
Friends too Yo, I'm getting aphone call after this.
Yo, your brother's gonna killyou.
Yo, I'm getting a phone callafter this your brother's going
to kill you.

Speaker 1 (01:10:28):
Alright, y'all, it's the your Opinion Doesn't Matter
podcast and we are out Peace.