Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
But we've got doctor Judith Orloff onto talk about Mother's Day. Mother's Day
for many people is a joyous day, but for others it can be a
bit of a struggle because maybe theirrelationship isn't the best with their own moms.
Doctor Orloff, thanks for making timefor us today. Let's talk about
how to maybe either get through Mother'sDay or maybe start to work on those
relationships. Yes, it's such animportant topic. I'm on book tour now
(00:26):
for my book, The Genius ofEmpathy, and so I want to really
suggest to the mothers and to thedaughters and to the sons know how to
get through to each other with empathyrather than fighting on Mother's Day, and
how to get through to adult childrenby trying to understand where they're coming from
(00:47):
and being able to set limits andboundaries of them if necessary. Well,
doctor Orloff, I kind of wantto make sure that we're there are mothers
and their fathers out there that arenot are not great. They're toxic individuals
and you're probably not ever going tohave a great relationship with them because they
(01:07):
themselves may be damaged in such away that makes that relationship impossible. To
maintain for your own personal mental health. I don't necessarily want to talk about
that right now. I want totalk about people who may have a difficult
relationship with a parent that can bemended. You know, that can be
helped by a greater level of understanding. So let's start from that premise.
(01:30):
What are some of the most commonissues you see that that can happen to
disrupt that relationship? All kinds ofmisunderstandings. And if one person feels that
the other needs to be different orwants to try and change them or fix
them, that's always a problem.And it's also not having empathy for one
another and getting into a habit offighting and needing to be right that could
(01:56):
stop relationships from coming together. Andso I would suggest with everyone is to
start anew on Mother's Day and beginto develop a more positive communications style with
each other that involves putting yourself inthe other person's shoes so that you could
understand where they're coming from and reachsome kind of a compromise here rather than
(02:20):
just fighting or focusing on your differences. It sounds like you're almost talking about
acceptance. And for a child who'snow an adult, I think that from
my perspective, just looking at yourparents as human beings, as people instead
of just your mom or your dadcan help begin that process of accepting them
as the people that they are.Is that kind of what your empathy conversation
(02:45):
is? Oh? Yes, acceptanceis so important to be able to accept
them as they are, rather thanseeing them as an idealized version or someone
they're not. You want to beable to accept people and work within their
limitations. You know, maybe youdon't have the most emphatic mother. Maybe
(03:06):
you were raised, you know,by a narcissistic mother, you know,
who's very limited in terms of theempathy they could show. So it just
depends who you're dealing with. Butif you start, you could always start
again. And that's why this Mother'sDay is so important to you know,
it's just such a treasure to havea mother. No, I know,
I lost my mother, you knowa number of years ago, and jan
(03:30):
and I had our differences and itwas just it's just a blessing to have
a mother. And I think sometimespeople lose track of that, you know,
in the day to day realities ofwhat happens in families. Is it
better to approach Mother's Day. Like, say you've made plans with your mother,
you have a little bit of atough relationship. Do you do you
(03:50):
recommend going in and saying, hey, I know things aren't great, but
i'd like them to be better,so let's just start fresh today. Or
do you just come into it withan attitude of I'm starting fresh and I'm
just going to hope for the best. No, I agree with the first
option is that you know you're reallyin good spirits. You say to her
that you want the relationship to bebetter and different, and you hope that
(04:13):
this Mother's Day can be the beginningof that. And maybe how can we
be more emphathoic with each other?How can I understand your position a little
bit more? Maybe I you know, I haven't been able to, but
I really want to. Can wesit and talk? No, or something
like that. So I would Iwould say that to them. I just
wouldn't hope for the best. Sowhat do you do if you are met
(04:34):
with a less than warm and fuzzyresponse, Well, you've got to see
what the mother is capable of orthe adult child is capable of. What
do they want? Maybe they don'twant that you know, but you know,
I think it's really positive to staywith the idea that we're going to
(04:56):
we're going to improve our relationship.We love each other, and let's see
how we can do it. AndI wouldn't be put off by a response
it's not exactly warm and fuzzy,but I would bring it back to solutions.
How can we improve our relationship?Do you want to talk about that?
I love you and I want tohave a closer relationship with you.
(05:16):
Do you have an opinion on whetheror not if you have a difficult relationship,
is it the responsibility of the parent? Because I've always kind of felt
like like you're the grown up inthis relationship, and I feel like the
parents that have a difficult relationship theyhave more of a responsibility. This is
just me because they are the parent. Is am I off the mark here
(05:39):
or is there something to that?Well? I think if the adult child
is, you know, greater thansixteen, that the child is very capable
of bringing that up too. Ithink the parent has more of a responsibility
when the child is younger, butif the child is an adult person,
(06:00):
they could bring it up as well. And so I wouldn't stay rigid on.
You know, it's the parent who'ssupposed to be doing us because the
parent could be ninety years old andthe child could be seventy years old and
it's still going on. You know. So somebody needs to break the negative
pattern, and it usually requires,you know, not being egotistical about it,
(06:20):
but coming from your heart and beingthe first person to do it,
because if you wait for the otherperson to do it, they might never
do it. I got a textthat said, the people who wrong you
should be the one to make thefirst attempt at making amends. You could
be waiting for something that ever comes. Oh, that's true. I'm a
big believer. In the book,I have a chapter on forgiveness and making
(06:44):
amends and that if you've wronged somebody, I wholeheartedly believe that it's your job
to make the amends. At thatpoint, the person may or may not
accept the amends, but it's yourjob to make the amends. And whether
it's financial amends or amends, thatthat's a wonderful way to kind of clean
up a relationship. Doctor Judith Orloff, I appreciate your time today. I
(07:06):
put a link on the blog todaywhere you can find doctor Orloff and her
books. Her new book on Empathyas available there. Thank you so much
for your insight today. You're sowelcome
But we've got doctor Judith Orloff onto talk about Mother's Day. Mother's Day
for many people is a joyous day, but for others it can be a
bit of a struggle because maybe theirrelationship isn't the best with their own moms.
Doctor Orloff, thanks for making timefor us today. Let's talk about
how to maybe either get through Mother'sDay or maybe start to work on those
relationships. Yes, it's such animportant topic. I'm on book tour now
(00:26):
for my book, The Genius ofEmpathy, and so I want to really
suggest to the mothers and to thedaughters and to the sons know how to
get through to each other with empathyrather than fighting on Mother's Day, and
how to get through to adult childrenby trying to understand where they're coming from
(00:47):
and being able to set limits andboundaries of them if necessary. Well,
doctor Orloff, I kind of wantto make sure that we're there are mothers
and their fathers out there that arenot are not great. They're toxic individuals
and you're probably not ever going tohave a great relationship with them because they
(01:07):
themselves may be damaged in such away that makes that relationship impossible. To
maintain for your own personal mental health. I don't necessarily want to talk about
that right now. I want totalk about people who may have a difficult
relationship with a parent that can bemended. You know, that can be
helped by a greater level of understanding. So let's start from that premise.
(01:30):
What are some of the most commonissues you see that that can happen to
disrupt that relationship? All kinds ofmisunderstandings. And if one person feels that
the other needs to be different orwants to try and change them or fix
them, that's always a problem.And it's also not having empathy for one
another and getting into a habit offighting and needing to be right that could
(01:56):
stop relationships from coming together. Andso I would suggest with everyone is to
start anew on Mother's Day and beginto develop a more positive communications style with
each other that involves putting yourself inthe other person's shoes so that you could
understand where they're coming from and reachsome kind of a compromise here rather than
(02:20):
just fighting or focusing on your differences. It sounds like you're almost talking about
acceptance. And for a child who'snow an adult, I think that from
my perspective, just looking at yourparents as human beings, as people instead
of just your mom or your dadcan help begin that process of accepting them
as the people that they are.Is that kind of what your empathy conversation
(02:45):
is? Oh? Yes, acceptanceis so important to be able to accept
them as they are, rather thanseeing them as an idealized version or someone
they're not. You want to beable to accept people and work within their
limitations. You know, maybe youdon't have the most emphatic mother. Maybe
(03:06):
you were raised, you know,by a narcissistic mother, you know,
who's very limited in terms of theempathy they could show. So it just
depends who you're dealing with. Butif you start, you could always start
again. And that's why this Mother'sDay is so important to you know,
it's just such a treasure to havea mother. No, I know,
I lost my mother, you knowa number of years ago, and jan
(03:30):
and I had our differences and itwas just it's just a blessing to have
a mother. And I think sometimespeople lose track of that, you know,
in the day to day realities ofwhat happens in families. Is it
better to approach Mother's Day. Like, say you've made plans with your mother,
you have a little bit of atough relationship. Do you do you
(03:50):
recommend going in and saying, hey, I know things aren't great, but
i'd like them to be better,so let's just start fresh today. Or
do you just come into it withan attitude of I'm starting fresh and I'm
just going to hope for the best. No, I agree with the first
option is that you know you're reallyin good spirits. You say to her
that you want the relationship to bebetter and different, and you hope that
(04:13):
this Mother's Day can be the beginningof that. And maybe how can we
be more emphathoic with each other?How can I understand your position a little
bit more? Maybe I you know, I haven't been able to, but
I really want to. Can wesit and talk? No, or something
like that. So I would Iwould say that to them. I just
wouldn't hope for the best. Sowhat do you do if you are met
(04:34):
with a less than warm and fuzzyresponse, Well, you've got to see
what the mother is capable of orthe adult child is capable of. What
do they want? Maybe they don'twant that you know, but you know,
I think it's really positive to staywith the idea that we're going to
(04:56):
we're going to improve our relationship.We love each other, and let's see
how we can do it. AndI wouldn't be put off by a response
it's not exactly warm and fuzzy,but I would bring it back to solutions.
How can we improve our relationship?Do you want to talk about that?
I love you and I want tohave a closer relationship with you.
(05:16):
Do you have an opinion on whetheror not if you have a difficult relationship,
is it the responsibility of the parent? Because I've always kind of felt
like like you're the grown up inthis relationship, and I feel like the
parents that have a difficult relationship theyhave more of a responsibility. This is
just me because they are the parent. Is am I off the mark here
(05:39):
or is there something to that?Well? I think if the adult child
is, you know, greater thansixteen, that the child is very capable
of bringing that up too. Ithink the parent has more of a responsibility
when the child is younger, butif the child is an adult person,
(06:00):
they could bring it up as well. And so I wouldn't stay rigid on.
You know, it's the parent who'ssupposed to be doing us because the
parent could be ninety years old andthe child could be seventy years old and
it's still going on. You know. So somebody needs to break the negative
pattern, and it usually requires,you know, not being egotistical about it,
(06:20):
but coming from your heart and beingthe first person to do it,
because if you wait for the otherperson to do it, they might never
do it. I got a textthat said, the people who wrong you
should be the one to make thefirst attempt at making amends. You could
be waiting for something that ever comes. Oh, that's true. I'm a
big believer. In the book,I have a chapter on forgiveness and making
(06:44):
amends and that if you've wronged somebody, I wholeheartedly believe that it's your job
to make the amends. At thatpoint, the person may or may not
accept the amends, but it's yourjob to make the amends. And whether
it's financial amends or amends, thatthat's a wonderful way to kind of clean
up a relationship. Doctor Judith Orloff, I appreciate your time today. I
(07:06):
put a link on the blog todaywhere you can find doctor Orloff and her
books. Her new book on Empathyas available there. Thank you so much
for your insight today. You're sowelcome
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