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June 19, 2024 18 mins

Welcome to another episode of One Hot Mess. In this episode, we dive deep into the intricacies of love and relationships. We'll discuss how to identify if you might be the problem in your relationship and explore six ways you can control when, where, and with whom you fall in love.

We start with 14 insightful ways to assess if you're contributing negatively to your relationship. From being emotionally responsive to avoiding the four horsemen of divorce (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), you'll learn valuable tips to become a better partner. Are you trustworthy? Do you show gratitude? Are you committed for the long haul? We cover it all.

Next, we shift gears to understand the dynamics of falling in love. Is it random, or is it fate? Discover how you can influence the process by being authentic, creating opportunities for connection, and understanding your own needs and desires. Learn how to signal what's important to you, assess compatibility, and engage deeply to foster a meaningful relationship.

Join us for this comprehensive guide to love and relationships, and take away practical advice to enhance your romantic life. Don't forget to hit that follow button and share One Hot Mess with a friend. See you next time!

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:03):
Hi guys, it's Brittany and welcome to another episode of One Hot Mess.
Music.
Alright guys, so today we're going to be talking a lot about love.
Love okay we're going to go over some ways or

(00:26):
reasons that you may be the problem in
your relationship and also we'll go over six ways that you control when where
and with whom you fall in love so let's get into it so first off so here's 14
ways to tell if you are the problem in your relationship,

(00:49):
the first thing, are you emotionally responsive and engaged with your partner?
This means you can empathize, listen, and respond emotionally to your partner.
You don't label your partner needy or another negative term because they are

(01:12):
reaching for you this way. You value You value your partner.
You give them this special attention. This person deserves.
Good partners turn toward each other, not away, when there is a bid for emotional connection.
Number two, are you open to dialogue and negotiations?

(01:36):
You do your best to avoid gridlock on issues and use problem-solving skills with your partner.
Good partners realize that some issues in a relationship are not solvable.
Like, for example, personality characteristics that you find irritating in your partner, guess what?

(01:58):
They're not going to simply go away.
But a good partner practices things like tolerance and negotiation when the problem arises.
Number three, do you soften your startup as opposed to being harsh when raising an issue?

(02:19):
Issues in the relationship are a challenge to discuss for both sides of the problem.
For the one whose behavior or
words are being spotlighted it can
be emotionally charged from the
start softening your startup to difficult conversations it can make that talk

(02:44):
go a lot smoother number four are you willing to accept influence rather than
batting it back or escalating arguments.
Your partner's role is crucial here because they might be less likely to accept influence from you.

(03:07):
The happiest relationships or marriages are when both partners accept each other's influence.
Number five, do you know how to de-escalate negativity in an argument and make efforts to do it.
Now, this is usually accomplished by using repair attempts or language that brings down tension.

(03:34):
Examples are saying sorry or I misunderstood using humor and so on.
Number six, do you avoid the four horsemen at These are the key predictors of
divorce, criticism, contempt,
defensiveness, and stonewalling, which is refusal to talk.

(03:59):
And anger is generally okay as long as contempt is absent.
Women are more critical and men are more stonewalling. And stonewalling is often
an unsuccessful attempt to calm things down.
Criticism during the conflict by women is a lot of the times a reaction to unresponsive

(04:26):
or irritable male partners.
Number seven, are you trustworthy? You have each other's backs and do not keep secrets.
You also behave in ways that better your partner and the relationship, not just yourself.
Good partners are also accessible and they can be reached when needed and they can be counted on.

(04:51):
Number eight, Eight, do you focus on the positives and not just the flaws of your partner?
Many things you find endearing when you first meet your partner can later become,
you know, sources of frustration.
Number nine, do you respect your partner's individuality?

(05:14):
There's no need to be merged into one when you are in love.
It's nice to miss your partner sometimes. times. So don't let your insecurities sabotage this.
Number 10, do you strive to meet each other's needs?
Furthermore, you do so because you like to see your partner happy.

(05:36):
Are you concerned when your partner seems unhappy with you or just blows it
off and thinks that it's their problem?
This is a shitty attitude to take, and it will certainly doom your relationship.
11. Do you make effort to avoid falling into a rut?

(06:02):
Successful couples, they make plans to try new things together,
you know, go out, have fun, laugh, and play.
Remember that novelty breeds positive energy in the relationship.
Number 12, are you physically affectionate and responsive?

(06:22):
A good partner can be demonstrative of their love by giving and receiving physical affection.
There is a realization that romantic relationship
and intimate relationship are
not just a platonic friendship number 13 do you show gratitude and appreciation

(06:45):
for your partner you may even think and feel you are grateful for your partner
but guess what he or she is not a mind reader leader.
So you need to be sure to express it in both actions and words as well.
And number 14, are you committed to the relationship and view it in terms of

(07:11):
a lifelong journey and not something to quickly bail on when times get rough?
We live in a time that makes it
so easy to divorce and find someone
else that relationships they seem quite
disposable and I assure you there is nothing like having a long-term bonding

(07:35):
love with a partner that you can always count on so be a good partner yourself
and chances are that you will attract someone into your life with the same values use.
Music.

(07:57):
All right, guys, let's talk about ways you control when, where,
and with whom you fall in love.
In the beginning, love brings a flood of intense emotions.
It's excitement, fluttering butterflies and soul-stirring magic.

(08:19):
It's also nervousness, craving, and gut-wrenching fear of rejection.
And in the end, when it's right, it's a feeling of home.
Safe, warm, connected, delightful, and hopeful.
Romantic love, it makes the world a better place. But how does it begin?

(08:42):
Some say that falling in love is completely random, and others claim it's fate.
Fate, complete randomness would mean that there is no rhyme or reason to pairing.
It happens without design or conscious thought.
And now at the other end of the spectrum is fate, love that's predetermined,

(09:05):
inevitable, and on purpose.
To some extent, there is randomness, such as being on the same dating site or
bumping into someone on the train at a specific time because you missed your regular train.
And as we go about our day, we make a series of decisions that result in outcomes,

(09:28):
which in turn create more effects, not unlike the what-ifs.
Life brings many twists and
turns and if you subscribe to
the notion of fate it can be lovely and
reassuring to imagine that you've experienced
all the heartbreak and loss for a

(09:51):
reason there you are one day
ready for the promise of something new because it is meant to be You must be
able to recognize this person as your ideal partner and know what to do with
them when they arrive and it might not be love at first sight.

(10:13):
Research into emotional connection, it suggests that love at first sight is
not a distinct form of love, but rather a strong initial attraction.
I mean, it starts with chemistry. You
have a biological makeup that naturally draws

(10:33):
you to others and drives you to
focus your energy on one person in
order to win life's greatest prize
you know a partner and
the process of falling in love can be described as a chemical cocktail of sex

(10:53):
hormones in the first stage which is of course lust dopamine in the second euphoric
stage which would be attraction and oxytocin and endorphins in the last stage,
attachment, to promote an overall sense of well-being.
And even though you find your muse's smile intoxicating and you have been hit

(11:18):
by the addiction-forming love drugs.
You can ultimately control the course of falling in love, which leads to a more
mature form of lasting attachment and love.
Now, what I mean by control, it's not coercing or manipulating anyone.
It's not pretending to be someone that you're not, doing a bait and switch or

(11:42):
engaging in wishful thinking that someone will change after you're committed.
You cannot force someone to fall in love with you as much as you can force yourself
to fall in love with someone else.
Results control in this case is about taking
honest authentic deliberate action to
create a connection so let's go over some ways in which you can influence falling

(12:08):
in love you control if and how you show up if you have made a conscious choice
to look for love you are more likely to find it.
If you do nothing, no prince or princess is going to land on your doorstep.
You just need to go to the ball.

(12:28):
And you can increase your odds of falling for someone by meeting new people
and creating opportunities for connection.
The guy who is reaching for the same last eggplant at the the grocery store
might never be more than a stranger unless you smile sweetly and tell him about

(12:51):
your plans to make a delicious meal tonight.
Okay, also you determine what you want in a partner.
So finding your perfect match starts with understanding and loving who you are first.
Reflect on who you are as an individual, your values, personality,

(13:14):
needs, wants, goals, and the vision that you have for your life.
Once grounded in that, take the time to consider what you want from your next
relationship. and don't forget the one thing many people miss.
Ask yourself how you will want to feel with the one you will give your heart

(13:36):
to and how you'll know when you have found them.
And you signal to others what matters most. So the search for a partner is quite
like the search for a job and ideally the relationship lasts considerably longer.
The organization puts out a job posting and you respond by submitting your resume.

(14:02):
Qualifications, enthusiasm for the role.
So through discussions more information is shared about the job and more is
revealed about the person's ability and interest to perform it.
So a similar process unfolds with setups from family or friends and in the dating application world.

(14:24):
Online dating is increasingly successful and particularly,
well, scratch that, it's successful with 39% of American adults now meeting
their partners online. That is crazy, right?
Wow. So the dating profile is a critical way to share for insight information

(14:48):
about yourself and declare what's important to you in a match.
And the best outcomes arise when both parties have put a great deal of thought and effort into it.
So they will instantly know when they see someone that they're interested in.
And And this is the logical part of falling in love. And it's good to vet someone

(15:08):
at this stage because before becoming emotionally attached.
All right.
Also, you assess your compatibility. Once you have decided that you are drawn
to someone, getting to know them is a process of discovery and assessment.
You delight in similarities and explore whether the differences are likely to

(15:33):
be exciting, expansive, or a potential challenge.
And from there, you can choose to allow feelings to grow or shut them down if
or when you realize that you run up against a deal breaker and you decide how much you want to engage.

(15:54):
Falling more deeply involves a choice to get vulnerable or hold back.
Gradually sharing parts of yourself slowly and starting small opens the door
for another person to do so too.
All too often, though, people get in their own way and they put up walls due to insecurities,

(16:17):
unrealistic expectations, or reliving ghosts of union's past,
and this can stall the relationship.
When you actively engage with your romantic interest, reveal more about yourself,
and you ask For what you want, you enhance your authenticity,
increase communication,

(16:38):
and you create trust with another person, all of which solidify your bond.
And you choose to be a loving partner who is present, curious, and kind.
Love is a verb, not a destination. And every day is an opportunity to act on it.
Beginning with the becoming smitten stage.

(17:02):
Approaching your relationship with a mindful attitude. It can help you to connect
to what matters most to you.
And to see your love interest with fresh accepting eyes.
Yes. Dance at the moment, noticing their sexy quirks and their ability to make
you laugh and how being with them motivates you to expand your thinking and grow to new levels.

(17:29):
If you are in a new relationship, it can be empowering to learn that while it
might begin with a spark, much of falling in love involves thoughtful and purposeful action.
Be yourself stay present provide the right balance of fuel to and space to breathe

(17:50):
and then let go so love can just take its natural course this is how you create
the type of relationship you have always wanted.
All right y'all that is it for today thank you so much for listening listening,

(18:10):
please be sure to hit that follow button and share when hot mess with a friend
and I will talk to you guys next time. Have a beautiful day.
Music.
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