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June 7, 2024 19 mins

Welcome to this episode of "One Hot Mess" with Brittany! Today, we delve into the intricate dynamics of love and hate and explore why sometimes the people we love the most can also drive us insane. We discuss the paradox of how love and hate can coexist, especially in cases of unreciprocated love or within thriving relationships.

Discover the challenges of maintaining autonomy and personal freedom in a relationship, and how these issues can lead to moments of ambivalence. Brittany shares insights on how vulnerability plays a role in love, making us susceptible to hurt but also essential for deep, meaningful connections.

We also tackle practical strategies to break the vicious cycle of chronic annoyance with your partner, emphasizing the importance of non-judgment, personal responsibility, self-improvement, and recognizing your partner as an ally rather than an adversary.

Tune in for actionable tips to restore peace and warmth in your relationship, and learn when it's time to seek professional help for more serious issues. Don't miss this enlightening episode that will help you better understand and navigate the complex emotions of love and hate.

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:03):
What's up everyone it's Brittany and
welcome to one hot mess all right guys so today we're going to be talking about
the thin line between love and hate and why we hate the people we love,

(00:25):
You know, love and hate, they're kind of similar in being directed toward another
person because of who he or she is.
And despite this similarity, the two seem like polar opposites.
And a lot of the time when we love someone, we want them to thrive.

(00:46):
When we hate someone we're more likely to wish they would suffer or at least change who they are,
but we don't have to listen to the persuaders soulful vocals to know that love
and hate can coexist if you have ever loved you know that you can hate a person

(01:11):
you love But how is that possible?
The most obvious scenario in which you hate and love a person at the same time
is one in which your love is not reciprocated.
If you think you're basically a lovable person, it can be hard to comprehend

(01:38):
that someone you might love might not love you.
And if you lack confidence already, this will be a further blow to your self-esteem.
But if you have some self-worth, you may just temporarily be fooled into thinking

(02:00):
that the lack of reciprocation of your love reveals a fundamental flaw in the other person.
And if you direct your negative feelings at the person because of this flaw
in his or her personality, you're bound to hate him or her at least a little bit.

(02:27):
It's easy enough to see how love and hate can coexist in cases of unreciprocated love.
But you can hate a person you love even when your love is reciprocated and even
when you have an overall thriving relationship with them.

(02:48):
This is one of the things that is paradoxical about love and love relationships,
whether romantic or not having an
actual we spend time together relationship with another person on the basis

(03:08):
of love like romantic love friendship love parental love it requires giving
up a little of your autonomy and personal freedom.
Sometimes you need to spend time with the other person. And this leaves less
time to do the things that you would rather do at that very moment.

(03:33):
And when you have a relationship with another person, there will inevitably
be times when you need to set aside your own preferences and heed the wishes or needs of the other.
Sometimes you need to find a middle ground.
Meeting the other person halfway, it also entails giving up some of your personal freedom.

(04:02):
So, in Western cultures, at least where the importance of autonomy and personal
freedom is repeatedly emphasized,
having to let go of your freedom to some extent may not always feel right,
especially not if you're used to being on your own and doing whatever you want to.

(04:25):
You may perceive the giving and the deal-making as a sacrifice or punishment.
If you see your significant other as a reason for your loss of personal freedom,
you may hate them a little or a lot.

(04:45):
You know, love does make you vulnerable.
But in order to have a meaningful relationship with another person,
you need to be able to be yourself and that
may not always be a good thing we cannot
always show our true colors to the people at work in the grocery store or on

(05:06):
the subway but you need to be able to do some of that at home you need to let
the other person see and hear about your weaknesses but this means that you become vulnerable,
vulnerable.
We can hurt a person who was vulnerable considerably more than a person who

(05:27):
has their guard up all the time.
That is part of what it means to be vulnerable.
Because vulnerability increases the chance that you might get hurt.
And being vulnerable, it can be scary. I mean, it's risky business.
Having to take that risk and live with that risk It can be overwhelming to the

(05:50):
point that our love becomes mixed with the occasional bout of hate.
But you're not the only person who must show your true colors.
The other person in the relationship, they have to open up as well and be able to act like themselves.

(06:12):
And when this happens, you see sides of them that may not always be pleasing.
All the bad traits that most others wouldn't even dream of attributing to them.
You have to live with all the bad habits and annoying behaviors that you might
once upon a time have found endearing,

(06:37):
fortunately the sporadic bouts of hate that you may experience when this person you love,
that will their habits and behaviors get on your nerves you can coexist with your love for him or her,

(06:57):
And when love blends with hate, this is a case of ambivalence in functional relationship.
The ambivalence tends to be short-lived. The love trumps the hate.

(07:18):
But ambivalence lasts longer whenever two emotions or desires genuinely compete.
Beat. And this is a common scenario.
You are sad because your sick puppy died, but happy that he didn't have to suffer anymore.
You're surprised when your sister is late yet again, but you had kind of expected it.

(07:42):
You are attracted to and feeling repulsed by the person you just started seeing.
You are in love with two people, but now it's time to choose who to be in a
relationship with, or you hate your spouse as much as you love him and have
some difficult decisions to make.

(08:03):
So that's in line, you know? The persuaders were not, in fact,
singing about hating and loving a person at the same time, but about love turning to hate.
And when the lead singer Douglas Smokey
Scott laid those vocals down it was because his woman

(08:26):
had sliced him up like cold cuts after he had stepped all over her night after
night and suddenly her love turned to hate and this doesn't just happen in songs
and Hollywood movies love can turn to hate in a matter of minutes.

(08:48):
And hate and love both seem to be involved in the neural processing of what
it sometimes referred to as the arousal effect of emotion.
And this is a technical term, so arousal can be negative.

(09:13):
It seems that an emotion with a high arousal effect can quickly turn from positive,
which is love, to negative, which is hate, and that thin line will send us downhill again and again.
We hardly ever see it coming.
Intense love can seem so lasting and forever that it's almost surrealistic when

(09:38):
we realize how quickly it can turn into hate.
All right, so now let's talk about some things to do when you are so annoyed
with your partner and how to stop the vicious cycle and restore peace.

(10:03):
Why is your partner the person who drives you the most insane?
Is passionate annoyance the other side of passionate love?
Falling in love, it often involves idealization. So at first,
nothing your partner does is bothersome.
It's easy to focus on each other's strengths.

(10:28):
And you marvel at your compatibility. You're captivated by every moment spent together.
And getting to know each other is exciting. dating. And while you're dating,
you also are eager to smooth over your differences.
In the beginning, kindness, patience, and forgiveness, they just come easily.
But eventually, the bloom is off the roads.

(10:53):
As you settle into some sort of commitment, whether it's being together for
now Now, or for always, fantasies and carefree courtship fall by the wayside.
You become accustomed to each other and get caught up in living your everyday lives.

(11:14):
And to a large extent, this changing focus is beneficial because it frees you
to build a real partnership, moving beyond the breathless stage.
It allows you to tend to your responsibilities and get shit done.
You also get to relax and be your true selves, getting to know each other more

(11:35):
deeply and trusting that you can count on each other through thick and thin.
Unfortunately as you settle into
a life together you may discover that your
true selves can be quite annoying what used to seem exciting enchanting or intriguing
it now drives you freaking nuts you know sloppy habits irrational perspectives

(12:01):
unreasonable standards unskilled communication,
bad fashion choices, the kindness,
patience, and forgiveness that once ran thick now kind of runs thin.
And exasperation, it can seem to be around every corner, especially during stressful periods.

(12:27):
And sadly, your collaborative relationship, it can become a combative one.
And this path, though common and normal, is also painful.
And when left unchecked, it can develop into a vicious cycle where feeling chronically
disappointed makes you more easily triggered by the next irritating event or situation.

(12:54):
So stopping this vicious cycle is a challenge, but you can do it.
So let's go over five approaches that can help you put your partnership on a
better track and restore, you know, its warmth and all those butterflies and good stuff.
So number one, understand how feeling annoyed hurts your relationship.

(13:19):
Whenever you feel annoyed, even if you keep it to yourself, you're making a
judgment about the other person.
And judging is an alluring path, sorry the word didn't come out,
because it makes you feel self-righteous and better than someone,
but this lasts only for a moment, after which you're likely to feel drained,

(13:45):
deflated, or distant from your partner, and when judgment becomes a habit,
It leads to contempt, which can destroy your relationships.
So, to avoid this trap, when you feel the annoyance begin to rise,
remember that the long-term consequence of passing judgment is that it poisons

(14:11):
your relationship by reducing your connection with your partner.
Instead, vow to take a non-judgmental stance with your partner,
such as, that is my partner's way and it's not my place to question it.
And you can also see these moments as a way of understanding your partner more

(14:33):
deeply and accepting your differences.
Number two, take responsibility for the part you play in the dynamic.
Your feelings of annoyance are not the other person's fault.
Your assessment of how annoying they are
is merely your personal judgment and your

(14:53):
subjective perspective but not necessarily absolute reality what you judge as
annoying may be considered charming in other couples or cultures and what you
judge as annoying your friends may consider that are cute or charming.
So own your feelings and see them as a reflection of your own sensitivities.

(15:19):
You are not the victim of your partner's quirks. You are the victim of your own.
And blaming your partner for your discomfort or irritation is unfair and it
leads to unnecessary suffering for the both of you.
Number three, instead of trying to improve your partner, focus on improving proving yourself.

(15:42):
Yes, it can be tempting to try to mold your partner to make them less annoying.
You may even think, wouldn't he benefit from my critiques and coaching?
Doesn't she want to behave or look or sound or feel better?
I need him to be better. but try

(16:04):
turning this around how would you feel about
your partner thinking you should be better how would
you feel if your partner believed you'd benefit
from their coaching and how would you respond to his or her evaluation i would
assume most people would feel uncomfortable infuriated embarrassed or ashamed

(16:27):
is this the emotional landscape that you're trying to cultivate debate.
Instead, be the change you want to see and support each other by making a deal.
Like, I'll focus on my own self-improvement and personal growth while you focus
on yours, and we won't give suggestions unless invited to.

(16:52):
Number four, be aware that when you express annoyance, you're being annoying.
Do you have to talk so loudly at parties? Why can't you do it with your mouth
closed? Why are you wearing that?
You're bad at managing money. I
hate how stubborn you are. Do you have to disagree with everything I say?
You never listen to me. When you nag, it's annoying. Annoying.

(17:16):
This only adds to your problems by reinforcing the compative aspect of your relationship.
Expressing your judgment and annoyance.
It's pretty much like declaring war.
And number five, remember you are allies, not enemies.

(17:39):
After all, isn't your alliance the foundation of your relationship?
You're on the same side, working for the same team, right?
Well, keep this goal in mind at every turn and make it a vow and renew it often.
Make we your allies, your new mantra.

(18:01):
And these approaches can help you break the vicious cycle of chronic annoyance
and start to repair the damage done by chronic complaints.
And if your relationship is also suffering from additional stresses,
such as poor communication,
emotional withdrawal, addiction, jealousy,

(18:22):
or anger, you may require some professional intervention as well.
But whatever is paining you and whatever you're working toward if these solutions
work for you they can help you significantly improve your own sense of well-being in the relationship.

(18:46):
And please note there is a huge difference between being annoyed by your partner
and being abused by Try your partner, okay?
So this episode only talks about what to do about feeling chronically annoyed,
not feeling chronically hurt, helpless, or bullied, okay?

(19:08):
For additional guidance and support, if you're dealing with that,
you can check out these two books, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia
Evans, and Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum, I believe.

(19:31):
I'm sorry, I don't know how to pronounce that. Oops, my bad.
Anyways, guys, that's it for today. Thank you so much for listening.
As always, I greatly appreciate it.
Please hit that follow button. Please share One Hot Mess with a friend,
and I will talk to you guys next time. Have a beautiful day.
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