Episode Transcript
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Music.
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I am your host, Mark A. Turnipseed, and to God be the freaking glory, man.
To God be the glory, because today I am going to be sharing with you guys what it feels like.
What it feels like to actually give my life back over to Christ.
This is very fresh for me. This is probably the second time that I've really
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fully tried to give my life back to Christ.
Guys, it's been inside of my heart forever. ever.
It's like I've known that it's a truth. I've known that it's a way of life that
if I live into and if I really fully surrender,
that all the happiness that I think about, all the gifts that I think about
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having, all the blessings, all the freedoms that I think about having could
be restored in my life if I could only, right?
It reminds me a lot of the feelings that I used to have when I was overweight, right?
When I was overweight and I would be like, man, And if I could only lose 30
pounds, then I would be able to hike up this mountain with my friends who are
also backcountry skiing, right? I wasn't able to go backcountry skiing.
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I would say, if only, if only I could not drink enough to where I could hike
up the mountain with these people.
If only I could stay sober just long enough.
There's always been so many if-onlys.
If only I could stop this, if only I could stop this, then I could also experience
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the blessings of not having so much anxiety around, am I right?
Am I enough? Did I do wrong?
And that is, in essence, the stumbling block, right?
That's the stumbling block that I put myself into, and it's the self-perpetuation.
It's what the Christian church talks about when they say the word sin, right?
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These sins, these appetites, these things, they can drive us absolutely crazy.
And here's another thing about these sins. We chase after them so much.
We chased after the appetites of the flesh so much that they become our gods,
and then we continue to seek after them throughout our entire life.
And then you hear people who've amassed a huge, huge amounts of wealth who are
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unable able to find peace, joy, and they're all on a whole bunch of Xanax because
they can't control their anxiety.
Why is that? Why is that? It seems on the outside, if you get all the sex you
want, if you get all the food you want, if you have all the homes that you want,
if you have all the friends that you want—.
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If you are the most popular person, right? If you have everything that you want,
that you would then be happy, but it's not the case.
So it's very clear to me.
It's been very clear my whole life that, that if it's not the case,
then obviously something else is because there are happy people out there, right?
There are happy people out there. And the people who have really started to,
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to shine to me lately are the people who are givers.
I love those types of people. I've never really been that because I've always
felt like, and I've talked about it in my podcast, out of trauma,
I felt like I'm always in survival mode.
So I felt like I always had to get.
I was like, wait, this may go away from me forever, so I need to get it while it's still here.
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That's survival mode. That's like being at a dinner table and thinking everybody's
going to eat your food in front of you, right? That's survival mode.
So I've been following and enjoying the company of all these givers.
And these givers, what they do, it seems like they wake up in the day and they
go, how am I going to use my life to bring glory or to help other people,
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to help other people feel good, or for the Christian ones, to bring glory to God?
How am I going to live my life in that way?
I'm in business with a man. His name's Tim Quinn, for all of you who don't know.
He's probably one of the biggest givers that I know. He'll sit at a lunch,
giving all of his time until dinnertime starts, right?
He's one of those individuals who, if he's walking down the road and somebody
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needs his help, he's going to stop, just like Jesus Christ would do.
And I always go, you know, is that where, is that a piece of the puzzle that
makes him completely content in life?
And I firmly believe it is because I've noticed it in a lot of other winners
out there. It's a giving mentality. It's a servant leadership.
It's that, it's within that, it's within that that we're able to bring in the
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blessings of the kingdom of God.
It's then that we're really able to provide a testament.
And when we fully provide a testament and we fully bring in the gifts of the
kingdom, we also get to live in the bliss of that kingdom.
We get to live in the bliss of that kingdom.
So I wanted to talk about a couple of different feelings that happen as I've
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I've given my life back to Christ, right?
I've basically come around, for those of you who don't know,
my history has been jagged. It's gone up and down.
There's been heroin addiction, been coming out of the closet,
almost ended up in gay porn for a while, right?
There's been prostitution. There's been all sorts of things that basically put
me on the back list, on the black list of the Christian community.
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Of the Christian theology, right? I should be in a dunce cap in the back of the Catholic school.
I should be getting whipped in the back of the Catholic school, which I might like.
But, you know, that is exactly what keeps a lot of people out of the Christian church, is that fear.
Is that fear of, there's no way that I could actually live up to those standards,
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right? The commandments are so very strict.
So that's the very first thing that I really fear feel inside of this surrender
over to Christ is actually fear, everybody.
And so if you have that fear, I want you to associate with it with me.
I want you to recognize with it. I want you to affirm that it's there.
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Y'all, throughout the Bible, they talk about the fear of the Lord.
Maybe this is just it, right? It's a fear.
It's an unearthing fear. It's a fear, but I'll tell you what it feels like for me.
It's a fear that almost feels like the beginning of a race, right?
It feels like if I switch my mentality around it and go, oh, wait a second.
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Oh, wait a second. This is fear, but it's also an excitement.
It's also an excitement. And then I can start to kind of move through it, right?
But this fear of failure is something that's been in my life for a long time.
There's also like the fear of intimacy, right? Because if you let God in and
you're fully commit to living in conversation with God, then that means intimacy.
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That means everything that you go through, you're sharing with the Lord Jesus
Christ, who is right here as your personal Savior every single moment,
every single waking breath.
He is here offering His hand, saving you from your own sin so that you do not
have to live that way in the way that's going to lead us completely empty,
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miserable, and discontent, right?
The other way that I'm filled with fear is that my ego, right? My ego clashes.
I start to imagine myself as a Christian man, and then my ego comes in,
the ego that's built up itself for the past 37 years.
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This ego has built up itself through trauma and drug addiction and failed marriages
and all sorts of things, And now I'm saying to it, we're going to become Christian?
What do you think my ego's doing? What do you think your ego would be doing
if you were going to say, hey, by the way, everything that you just built is
wrong. We're not going to go with that anymore.
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Because it's not about what you want. It's not about what you, Mr.
Ego, think you need for the next day. It's about what Christ Jesus needs for
us to deliver His Word to the Kingdom of God.
That's what's going to matter. Guess what? The ego doesn't like that,
so the ego is going to put you in fear.
And that's where I am. I've got fear in my ego.
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Based in that. There's also a little bit that's like coming out of a Christian
family that I'm going to hear, oh, I told you so.
I told you so. You came out as gay, but I told you so. I told you you'd notice it.
I told you you'd notice that you'd just be living in fear and trauma, right?
They were right, but I had to go through that myself, right?
And so other Christians who are out there, y'all, we have to find a way to allow
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them to process and go through their sin. there's no way you're going to pull them out, right?
You got to accept that which you can't control, but there is a way that we can
love them throughout, and that's what Christ teaches us.
So another thing that I fear is castigation socially, right?
And I experience it left and right, right? The minute that I say the word Jesus,
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you start losing eyes, or you either start losing eyes, or people get actually angry,
actually angry, like more angry than if you brought up politics, tics, right?
And so there's that type of fear. But like I've noticed with all things fear-related,
fear is just a wonderful opportunity.
Every single time in my life that I have faced something with fear,
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that I've stood up to it while in fear, it has turned out to be one of the greatest
opportunities of my life.
And so therefore, when I sit here and I go, I'm in fear of this, I'm not scared of it.
I'm going to stand up to it and I'm going to live through it.
Just like when I signed up for my first Ironman, I told myself I was so y'all,
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I was so scared when I signed up for that race. I remember shaking.
I remember my palms being sweaty when I pressed purchase.
And, and, and this was my last $300 that I was pressing purchase with.
It was actually my My ex-wife's last $300.
I was nervous as all get out. I had no idea what was going to happen.
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My whole life was going to have to change. Now, did it change overnight?
Did it change perfectly overnight?
No, it didn't. So there's got to be a level of self-compassion.
There's got to be a level of understanding.
And there's got to be a level of patience with ourselves.
The good thing is that through this fear...
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In the surrender, right, in the immediate surrender, as the fear happens and
right when the ego kind of splits, is something beautiful.
And that's a new identity in Christ is immediately formed.
The minute that somebody else sees us, everybody, the minute that somebody else
sees you, a new identity has actually formed, and they're going to be shining
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back the identity that they see in you, right?
That is no different than what Christ does when you invite Him back into your life.
When you invite Christ into your life, He shines back to you exactly what you
are to Him, and what you are to Him is a brother in Christ.
You are a son of God. You are a child of God. You are in His family.
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He loves you, and He wants to see everything good happen.
He wants your passage through life to be calm, to be reassured,
to be secure, to be safe, to be free of anxiety, and to be fun. To be fun.
Can you imagine that? Can you imagine just having a life that is fun, right?
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That you wake up and you have fun because what you're doing is free.
What you're doing is freeing other people. Is that not fun?
Is that not fun? Just letting people go and then running with them through the
freaking wonderful prairies that Jesus Christ has for us out on this planet,
right? Isn't it just fun?
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And the identity was huge for me, because my identity used to shift and shape all over the place.
I would stand in one room, and I would be a completely different person than
when I stood in another room.
I was always ship-shafting, and I was always ship-shafting for a purpose.
It was like, what am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be this time around
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so that I can get what I need from this situation?
Well, y'all, that freedom is gone now. That stress is gone now,
and there's just freedom left over.
That freedom is all there is. I no longer have to stress about,
am I going to get what I'm here for?
Because what I'm going to get, what I'm here for, is that I get to give my testimony.
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I get to give my hope. I get to give my love.
So my new identity is now rooted in giving, and it's rooted in Christ,
and it's rooted in love, and now I get to pull back.
And when I get to pull back and rest in my identity, the third thing happens
that I absolutely love, and that's my freedom from anxiety.
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Anxiety disappears through Christ, and it is tremendous.
It is absolutely amazing how this happens, right?
So fitness is a wonderful way of changing the mindset, right,
and really, like, reassociating everything, making new connections.
But y'all, giving your life over to Christ, that's a whole nother level of it.
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It's a whole nother level because it changes the actual thought process.
It does. Your anxiety of the future changes because you know that whatever you
have in the future coming to you is coming no matter what.
It's coming and Jesus Christ has already offered it and all you have to do is
walk via His commandments to receive all of those blessings,
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to receive that freedom in Him.
All of those things are going to be working out. Being late,
right? I'm always scared of being late.
But y'all, you don't even have to worry about that. You really don't even have to worry about that.
I always worry about not having enough. Do I have enough money?
Do I have enough time? Do I have enough of this? Do I have enough of that?
You don't have to worry about it.
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Jesus says you are enough. You have plenty.
Be content in here and then give to others. This is where you're going to find peace.
This is where you're going to find freedom from that anxiety.
So it's pretty easy. It's straightforward, y'all. Freedom from anxiety.
You don't have to worry anymore.
Another thing that I loved is this feeling of a reason to be kind and compassionate.
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A reason to be kind and compassionate. You might scratch your head a little bit.
What? Well, doesn't everyone have a reason to be kind and compassionate just
to be kind and compassionate just to be kind?
Well, no, no, that's not the case. Go on 95. Go on the highway.
See if anybody has reason enough to be kind and compassionate to you.
No, nobody actually has reason enough to be kind and compassionate to you unless
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you're serving their purpose, unless they are a follower of Christ.
If they are a follower of Christ, then they have a reason to be kind and compassionate
because that reason is spreading the grace of God's kingdom to the other people on this planet.
And in doing so, that's our best testament to the living God.
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That's our best testament to the living God to help other people to join in
on this wonderful journey, on this wonderful journey that can create huge amounts
of peace and change and love in this world. All we have to do.
Is keep on surrendering to it. All we have to do is keep on noticing it and
keep on spreading the good news.
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So that's what I'm here to do, just to spread that good news.
I guess the last, you know, the really the last point that I want to make about
giving my life over to Christ that's fulfilled me,
that I feel like is one of the most important, in essence, the most important
aspect of giving my life over to Christ is structure and thought.
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So when I was first, you know, giving my life back to Christ.
I was talking to my girlfriend at the time, and I was like, you know,
I feel like I have so much structure and discipline in my life.
I have structure in triathlon. I mean, I have structure in my fitness through triathlon.
I have structure in my mindfulness through yoga. I have structure in my diet through Ayurveda.
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But what was structuring my spirit? What was structuring the fitness of my soul.
There was nothing, right? There was nothing. I kept searching for everything,
but I couldn't find the answer.
That's because I knew the answer. That's why everything else that I was looking
for just kept being like, oh,
well, yeah, but Jesus is a more complete answer to that very same thing.
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But it gave me structure and thought. So whenever thoughts Thoughts were coming
in that were disturbing, anxiety-provoking.
It gives me a toolbook, exactly what I'm supposed to be thinking.
It tells me, do not think impure thoughts about your brother or your sister. So, you know what?
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I don't have to worry anymore about lustful thinking.
I don't have to worry anymore about where that takes me. I don't have to even
worry about that making me...
I'm sexually frustrated, right? Because if my mind is now structured in purity.
Then I don't even have to go there.
And if my mind does start to go there, I go, no, this is not my structure.
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This is not what I live in.
I'm going to stay in the path that I live in because in here, there's no storm.
In here, things are freaking perfect. In here, why would I leave?
Why would I leave for that, right? Why would I leave for that thought just so
that my eyes can and follow that butt out the door?
Why would I leave my structure just so my eyes could fall out that door?
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The only reason why is habit and dopamine, right?
And if I recognize that it's just habit and dopamine, then there's actually
no point. I should just keep focused.
If I keep focused, I can make it to the end of the race.
That's what I learned in triathlon. Just keep focused. You're going to have
so many thoughts coming in your head, but if you stay focused in the structure
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of the race and remember that you're in this race, then there ain't nothing
that's going to pull you off.
You can keep on going no matter how much until you fall down dead.
You can keep going with the right amount of focus and you see it all the time in Ironman.
People will be running all the way to the point that they just fall down.
They just collapse. They can't even go any further.
And that's because they were so focused that they were able to drive their bodies
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beyond what they even thought possible.
And y'all, how much do you think
more possible that is when you get the eyesight of heaven in your eyes.
Put the eyesight of heaven in your eyes as this race for endurance,
and not only that, put the eyesight of heaven on earth in your eyes.
That means a fun place full of excitement, full of love, full of all the pleasures
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that you could ever dream of, and you get it served on a silver platter if you live this way, right?
To me, the structure of thought is, in essence, the greatest part about this.
So the four things, really, that I was talking about when I gave my life over
to Christ a couple of weeks ago was...
There was a lot of fear attached to it. That was number one.
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A lot of fear attached to it, but I took that fear and I looked at it as a challenge,
just like I was standing at the beginning of a race.
The second one was my identity in Christ, right?
My identity finally found a solid, solid ground.
Y'all, when I had just come out of the closet as gay and that was my identity,
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I felt like a floundering fish that was completely insignificant.
I was like, is really my identity just that I'm gay? Is that really going to be my identity?
It felt so sad to me.
It felt so sad that that was what my life was turning out to be, right?
And as I started to enmesh it more and more into my life, I started to recognize
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that actually takes more energy to identify with something that's not of Christ, takes more energy,
and makes me more depressed than actually just giving my life over to what I know is true, right?
Paul talks all the time in the Bible about doing stuff that he doesn't want
to do, and that was basically me for the past few years.
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I've been doing something that I didn't want to do, doing something that I thought
that I should do because my trauma-based identity had me acting in certain ways
to please certain aspects about me.
The other thing, freedom from anxiety.
The third thing, freedom from anxiety.
That's one of the greatest ones. You get freedom from anxiety.
Anxiety used to rule my life.
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And then purpose in being friendly. I love that purpose in being friendly.
That's a wonderful positive.
And then the structure in thought. Y'all, the structure in thought,
like I said, it's the essence of all of this.
It helps so much. It helps me so much. So if you've got a crazy brain that just
keeps rolling on and rumbling on and going crazy. You can't sleep.
It's just rambling. Y'all, get some structure in your damn thought.
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And that means you can do, you can, you can, all you have to do is put your
eyes on the kingdom of Christ.
Just do that. Just put your eyes right now on a cross in the sky and then,
and then pray to that cross. Say, God, please show me something.
Show me something. Show me something. Please Please pray that today,
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that you may see something out in that kingdom of God that gives you a reason
also to want to give your life to Christ.
I had a reason to give my life to Christ. I came back after recognizing that
there was no other way, that there was no other way for me to achieve the ultimate
goals of happiness, of joy,
of peace, of serenity that I really wanted to achieve if I did it.
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I've tried everything. I've tried everything from drugs, alcohol,
to porn, to anything that you can think of to make you happy,
to chasing money, right?
To anything that you can think of, and nothing does.
And I know it actually doesn't work because you can ask anybody who does have all of that stuff.
Or who had it their whole life, and they'll tell you the same thing.
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So be very weary about any of the other chases out there, of any of the other
appetites, of any of the other things that people are saying are most important,
of any of this manifestation bull crap, right?
Of any of this type of language.
Y'all, none of that stuff matters. All that matters is what happens in the world of Christ.
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What happens in your little life, what you manifest during this little life, matters nothing.
It's going to be gone in 30 years, depending on how old you are.
I'm saying 30 years, but you know, I hope that I live more than 60.
So mine may be gone in 90 years, right? But still, like seriously,
do you really think that you manifesting a house is really on God's top of the agenda?
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You could be on God's top of the agenda if you put God's will first.
What do you you think God's will is? God's will is to build a kingdom for himself.
You're trying to manifest a little house. God wants to build a castle and put
you in it. So get your life straight and stop trying to manifest what you want.
Start trying to dream as God wants.
Start trying to live your life
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like Christ, y'all, because it's so much bigger and it's so much better.
And everybody, I've got to go now. This is going to be, this is a wonderful
chat. I've really enjoyed myself today.
Y'all, My experience with giving my life back to Christ has been tremendous,
and I implore you, if you are trying, if you feel it inside of your heart, reach out to me.
Reach out to another person in your life who might be able to help guide you
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into a prayer, into Christ's life.
Y'all, it's a wonderful choice that you could make. I'm Mark A.
Turnipseed, and this is Seeds of Change podcast.
You can hop on over to my Patreon website. It's on my link in the bio in the
Amazon, I mean, Instagram.
It's not on Amazon at all. It is on Amazon. Actually, this podcast is on Amazon.
So from there, you might be able to find my Patreon website,
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but find that Patreon website,
shoot me over a little donation, help this thing going, and help me to continue
to spread little seeds that can create big amount of change in God's great world.
Love you all. God's blessed. Have a wonderful.
Music.