Criminals of Isla Numus - Episode 28 - Cracking' Open a Can of Spinach - Session Zero Heroes | TTRPG Actual Play Adventures & Improv Storytelling

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello, weary traveler.
I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here,
but you have stepped into a realm of my creation,
a sprawling city filled with danger and glory,

(00:22):
and most importantly, lots of gold.
I call it, Ilanumis.
Who am I?
You might ask.
The name is Jarjir, and I'm the patron deity of gambling.
Long story short, this group of idiots,
or as you may call them, heroes, made a bet with me
that they had when it took to make a mass trove of gold,

(00:44):
but left some of the key details blank.
So I filled them in myself.
I sent them to this pocket dimension,
into the city I had created with brand new bodies
they have to attune to.
Can these fools pass my test, or will they
be trapped here forever?
So experience my world of trials and tribulations,

(01:07):
and join alongside this posse of pitiful people,
or as I like to call them, the criminals of Ilanumis.
Welcome back, everybody, to another episode
of the Criminals of Ilanumis podcast.
Well, technically, it's session zero heroes podcast.
Criminals of Ilanumis is the show
that we are running currently.
It is our DMD5E actual play series, run by myself,

(01:30):
and created by myself, Skyler.
And joining me, and helping to create this entire story with me,
are my phenomenal players, phenomenal most of the time,
when they're speaking into the microphones like they're
supposed to be.
We have to my right, we have Dave, who is playing Maki.
Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

(01:50):
Here next.
Next, we got Fadi Lumpkin's playing Keto.
I'm playing Keto.
Next, we've got Cameron, who is playing Rorick.
Next.
Oh, it's different.
It's different today, guys.
It's not just--
Hi.
And next, we have Jackson, who is playing Dez.

(02:14):
Yeah, I'm Dez.
You know, Dez has been pondering in question lately.
Not so much a fun fact.
But he was thinking, who would win in a race?
You know, the slow and steady tortoise?
Or a slower, even more steadier tortoise?
Oh.
Dang.

(02:34):
That's a thinker.
Now I'm going to think about that.
And that's going to make it hard to rabbit the rabbit.
Let's be honest here.
And finally, joining us to actually voice King Fortunus
for more than one line this episode, we've got Connor.
Turns out that's all he can say.

(02:57):
It's just going to be, oh yeah, oh yeah, you hit him.
Oh yeah, you miss him.
Oh yeah.
Just wow, extra Max and Ruby.
I always say one thing every episode.
Oh, I thought you were going to say every Pokemon.
Like it.
King Fortunus, you say--
He just says his name.
King Fortunus.
I like that.
That actually is--

(03:17):
I'm just passing the light.
Oh yeah.
Man, we paid this guy $300 just to show him it's a King
Fortunus the whole time.
I had big booms.
I had big booms.
Oh.
And with that, we are going to jump into the episode.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

(03:40):
All right, and we're back.
And where we left off last time,
you guys had made your way through the Atlantic Heights
District to inevitably get the directions that you needed
to find the gridiron, the head quarters for the beasts gang,
this group of meatheads, this group of muscle-bound creatures

(04:01):
of every and any kind who sees physical strength
as the ultimate power.
You guys were able to get inside thanks
to your ability to either do pull-ups
or help one of your friends do enough pull-ups to get you in.
Maki ate an entire owl-bear egg once inside.

(04:25):
Allegedly.
Allegedly.
As far as anyone knows, he did.
And then right at the end there, you guys
were introduced to the current king of the beasts himself,
King Fortunus.
Who now stands before you in his seven-foot, eight-height,
muscle-bound, unnaturally muscular looking bod, flexing.

(04:52):
And he-- I mean, he just said, oh, yeah.
That's where we left off.
And then we all see as Dez adds another talent marked to us.
It's on my chalkboard.
It just says guys that are hard.
And you're just like--
He's starting to have to mark the border of the board,
because it's all full of--
He says the king.

(05:12):
He just does a really long--
He races all the others.
He puts one mark on it.
He just looks like whistle.
Everybody else, all the other members of the beast gang,
look absolutely terrified when King Fortunus comes in here

(05:36):
or reveals himself.
Does the guy that he threw off the balcony have a belt?
Sure.
I would like to pocket that.
I'm just going to say, yeah, he's standing over this body
at the moment.
Just put that out there for you.
I'm not saying no.
I'm just warning you.
Can I, like, circle around behind him

(06:00):
so that you're like right to his rear?
Reach between his legs.
So known for their terrible vision.
So I'm going to keep staring forward, you know?
Yeah, go for it.
Do you-- I mean, are you trying to say somewhat stealthy
on this one?
I mean, I would like to be unseen.
OK, OK.
Well, not by the whole room, but at least by King Fortunus.

(06:22):
OK, go ahead and roll that stealth check for me.
I'm scared for you.
13.
OK, King Fortunus, roll a perception, yeah.
10.
10.
Oh.
OK, so King Fortunus is just looking around.
He's doing that thing that birds do, where they really just
like quickly like shift their head gaze or whatever.

(06:43):
And they're just looking at every buff person in this room,
completely unnoticing the little tiny kinkou that's
crawling behind him and starts rummaging.
Everybody else in the room, their mouths are a gate.
Like, they were already kind of like in fear.
They were like, oh, don't say anything,
or he'll think you want to fight him.
There now, their mouths are just slowly opening up

(07:06):
as they watch as the absolute audacity of this little bird
man to just crawl in between King Fortunus' massive thighs
and start rummaging around for this belt of his dead individual.
And yeah, you managed to pull it off.
So he looks down at himself and then
marks another tally on him.

(07:34):
Nice.
Where do you go after--
now that you've got this belt?
I'm just going to like sidestep my way back to where you were.
And his eyes dart over to you.
And he kind of looks at you for like a--
he cocks his head like birds do.
And then he just kind of looks over to the next person
because you're not really ripped.

(07:55):
Yeah, you're not as ripped.
You know that piece where the feed up?
Who's the giant turkey?
So as that's going on, I feel like he probably
had monologuing or something, which is probably why he didn't
hear.
That's very-- yeah, yeah.
If you want some carrot, you just broke out of prison.
Oh, OK.
Out of a coliseum prison.
Yeah.
So you flamed the throne.

(08:16):
Is the guy that I say he killed before him?
It was a queen.
I think he said she probably is stepping down or whatever the--
whatever the case, you came back and everybody was like,
oh yeah, we're not going to say no to that.
If he wants-- yeah, if he wants the throne.
So you're back.
I'm back.
Boss baby, back in business.
Sure.

(08:37):
Sorry, he's monologuing at this point, I guess.
Yeah.
This man here tried to take the belt from King Fortus.
You got to remember who the king is.
What's this thing here?
Some change rolling on the ground.
You just tart straight over.
His eyes were--

(08:58):
Oh, he sides out.
He dropped the belt.
This is the second time now that you have locked eyes
with this scrawny little bird man.
What's this thing here and over there?
You dropping some belt over there.
You trying to take King Fortus' belt, man?
I've never seen you in here before.

(09:18):
It has-- it has ponders on whether or not
he should erase his tally marks.
All of that on his little whiteboard.
And so he puts his whiteboard at his hip
and just like, does that snap thing with the belt?
[CLAP]
Are you challenging King Fortus in this place and time?

(09:43):
It had death shrugs and shakes and saddening.
That's what I thought.
Now as I was saying I heard King Fortus heard
that there were some new people here trying to break
into a rink here.
I hear there's an egg sucker among you.
And I hear there's a guy you can't do 20 pull-ups.

(10:04):
I don't want no weak men in this club.
Is it a club?
Sure.
In this club, who's the egg sucker
and who can't be doing them pull-ups?
I may have sucked an egg.
[LAUGHTER]
It's just egg suckers anonymous.

(10:27):
I got a cow, but I'm part crow.
It's in my blood.
Why the looks of you need eight more of them eggs
just to get up to a snuff with the rest of us around here?
I see you are pretty buff, but you're
going to need about eight more eggs.
Now who couldn't do them pull-ups to get in?

(10:48):
Dez writes on his board.
I don't want you with your fancy pants tablet.
I don't want you writing insinuating I can't hear you.
You kids in your dang tablets isn't your tablet.
Just don't want your kids running around with shock parts.
And their pants are like here with these kids

(11:10):
in their dang tablets.
I miss your ding.
King Vorktunus.
Vorktunus.
I don't think I've pronounced his name right once.
And this dude's so hopped up on the first.
Mr. King Vorktunus, he can't talk.
And what is it?
I don't know.
He's never talked before.
He talks using his tablet.

(11:32):
You sound like so crappy to hear it.
He was like--
Don't worry about like, enabling this young man here
to hang onto his tablet.
I'm not doing it.
I'm just telling you.
Hang up with him.
I'm just there.
You're looking too scrawny to be getting in the door here.
How'd you get in?
The Church of Iron.
Where I am the God.

(11:54):
He's my personal trainer of sorts.
He helps-- he uses his tablet to record reps and routines.
Calories burns.
Eggs sucked.
If it's to count reps, why does it say guys who are hard?

(12:15):
Oh, he can read.
See?
Unlike my other characters, this one can read.
I am a little weirded out by it saying guys that are hard.
What's this?
Really long?
What is the really long?
Are you measurement peeneye?
No, no.
Nothing of that sort.

(12:36):
The guys who are hard to beat in combat,
and I envision them while I do my reps.
Yes, well, I am the hardest to beat.
Let me tell you.
I'mma tell you what ain't no one beat me.
This guy here thought he could.
Dead as a doornail, this guy.
Nolan's coming for my belt.

(12:57):
He just got a gestures to his giant WWE--
It's gold.
--golden belt.
Yeah.
Can I discreetly use the belt wand?
How do you discreetly use a wand?
Do you have to cast a spell?
Yeah, you could definitely use the wand.
You pretend to take a leak, and then you whip around
really fast.

(13:17):
Yeah, you can absolutely use your wand of belts whole--
Yeah.
--instyle.
It's a spell save DC.
It's a wisdom save.
You need to be a 14.
With my last roll, that's probably not--
Seven.
OK.
Heads it tightens.
Tails it loosens.
If it falls, you're showing tail.

(13:38):
All right?
He's got a point.
It's heads.
OK, so the belt becomes uncomfortably tight on you.
Oh, yes, you can tell.
Even the belt does not want to leave King Ritunius.
It's a good thing you got rid of the tightening aspect,
as opposed to the loosening.

(13:59):
You got to save that loosening one for later.
This belt-- it is tight on this waist,
as you can plainly see.
Not even this inanimate object wants to deny me
my rightful place as the leader of the beasts.

(14:22):
You been doing some sort of a dirty bulk there or something?
Yeah, I guess I'm all going to cut up to King Vortunius
so once you might say--
Maybe you should take the belt off.
It looks a little tight on you.
King Vortunius would rather die.
You will have to pry the belt from my cold dead feathery bond.

(14:45):
My massive pie.
That I must stress is like not even a half percent Bonnie fans.
I am messy.
OK, well, that's fun to think about.
So what's the plan, guys?
I think we just hit up with the wand.
Are going to hope it tightens even more.

(15:07):
On Des's little chalkboard, it says Des's plans.
And it's like a chart.
It just says, tighten his belt or loosen it.
I don't know.
It's-- yeah, it's a--
it's like there's two paths.
One is tighten the belt, and then that's as far as it goes.
Des looks at it, then the rest of you and just shrugs.

(15:28):
King Vortunius just kind of goes about his business.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He just kind of walks around.
I'll let you use me to this point.
King Vortunius is going to whisper to the Maki.
What are the chances that then a hero dark wizard guy shows up
and dumps him into a hole again?
Oh, shadow caster.
Let's hope he shows up.
All you have to do is say the magic words.

(15:50):
Please?
I face said if he wanted to get him again,
we just have to like cast a spell thinking of him or something.
He said that he wanted you--
he said he knows your friend is very familiar with shadow
based magic and could summon him.
Yeah, that's what he said.
Oh, you could summon him somehow.
He gave me a business card that an incantation on.

(16:12):
I remember that.
He threw it at me right before he went through his portal.
And he said-- and I hand you the incantation card.
It probably just says something like--
There's a set of symbols in sort of like a darkened font.
And Rorik, even though you know how to read,
you cannot read these.
But as you Maki look at it, they start to--

(16:34):
like the outlines start to increase on these symbols
as if there's a shadow that's kind of extending out from them.
And then it sort of warps into a set of words
that you can read.
And what do the words say?
The spell reads, shadows writhe consume the light.

(16:56):
Oh, seems like I just have to cast a darkness spell.
That's pretty easy.
But does he want us to call him like right away?
After we've apprehended him, after all it--
He meditated him.
Call him now.
We could ask if it's just--
just bring him here.
Sure.
Do you think he's the rest of the 1v1 or--

(17:17):
See the Lace all getting up on--
He might, if we--
the Shadowlegs, you know what I mean?
If we-- he thinks we're all wimpy tiny fellas.
To be fair, we're all about three feet tall.
And he's three times our height.
I mean, standing on top of each other
are probably the same height as him.
The only one he called big was--
Machia.
If we get him mad enough at us, maybe throwing a couple--

(17:39):
you know, he is a bird, a couple chickens, you know?
It probably except the 4v1 challenge.
I mean, hey, the only thing you can do is try to--
I'm getting up on us, though.
They all seem to like him.
Oh, I wonder why.
And we turn to see Ferturis just staring at one of them
and just pushing his fingers--

(17:59):
He's like poking him in the nose as her show
is rivally to the ground.
Going, hey, sweet.
[INAUDIBLE]
Challenge me.
Pushes on his nose and the guy sinks into the ground
as he--
Do we get a feeling that maybe these guys kind of enjoyed
their vacation from King Fortunus?

(18:22):
You definitely--
It's not an insight, because that feels like--
Yeah, no.
Everybody around is absolutely terrified.
Like, he wasn't in the room when you guys got here,
so they were chill.
Now he's in the room and everybody is just frozen.
Like, they don't want to move.
Like, even the--
Everyone's just like doing weights,
but they're doing them really slowly.
No, no, no.
They're just staring at him.
No, there's actually--
There's one dude who was doing weights,

(18:43):
and it's currently on his chest, and he can't breathe,
but he's too scared to lift it.
So he's trying to hold it just high enough off his chest,
and then you see his arms are just shaking,
because he can't hold on much longer.
He's straight ahead.
He's like, do it, do it.
So I think we just can go challenge him.
Yeah, I mean, that sounds like a pretty good--
Here's my question, though.

(19:06):
None of us are--
well, back in my heyday, I could go fist the cuffs
with anyone, any drabarone.
But now in this new body, I need my ranged honey.
I need more room for combat.
I'm not really the hand-to-hand guy anymore.

(19:27):
And what I'm saying is, will he be allowed to use
magic and spells and weapons?
Yeah, unfortunately, I am in my element,
but I don't know if I alone could do this
without a bit of the reinforcements from range.
We tossed in and challenged him to a street fight, no rules.

(19:49):
And if he doesn't agree at first, we
tossed in a couple more big chickens.
I think implying he's a chicken with him being a bird
will really go over well, taunting.
I think if he doesn't agree with it,
you just call him a wimp.
Yeah, and a chicken and a coward.
Hey, King Fortunus, since you denied our fight,
we're going to give that five big bakaws.

(20:11):
Bakaw, bakaw, bakaw, bakaw, bakaw.
I think that'll work like a dryer.
All right, well, go for it.
No, but here's the thing, though.
We do go for the street fight, which is the smart way.
Do we challenge him in that ring?
Or do we go literally outside where we can get more range on him
and just pour--
What if Keto just has to--

(20:32):
what if we want him while we all get some range?
That might be an option.
So you guys just lay and wait out there.
And if I can escape his talons, challenge him
to a particular spot.
I'll probably go there with you before you fight.
What is an option?
I mean, being an outside party fear,
why not just stand outside the ring with your--

(20:56):
because Keto could just challenge King Fortunus 1v1,
and then you guys are just standing on the sidelines
in far enough range to where you can be effective.
Who is this, say, random citizen?
Yeah, I was cute and hard to find some other guy.
It's the dude at the shake.

(21:16):
It's the protein bar.
Yeah, what were you seeing?
Since you're familiar with this place,
where is to say that if we random three other random guys
started attacking inside a fight,
who's to say other people here won't get mad at us
for interfering with the fight from the outside?
Oh, yeah.
That would--
That would not--
That would not--
Yes, if we were doing a street fight

(21:36):
and we're all in the ring and we started using weapons,
they'd be like, yeah, that's part of the fight.
But if we're outside of the ring, then they'd be like,
that's not fair.
And they might beat us up.
Hey, look, fellas, since you're new here,
let me give you a rundown.
OK, look, weapons, that's fine, right?
Physical weapons, melee weapons,
ranged weapons are a little 50/50.

(21:58):
Here's the thing.
I've never seen a guy win with a ranged weapon.
I have seen guys use ranged weapons in the ring.
They don't last long.
Right.
No rules.
Hold on.
OK, yeah, that's what I'm saying, though.
Is magic allowed?
Oh, absolutely.
You want a way to get every person in this place
to beat the crap out of you?
You use magic.

(22:18):
Why would there be a street fight?
Don't even say magic.
So not even in a street fight?
No.
But street fights are no rules.
So why is there a rule?
Well, around here, we've got a bit of a motto.
It's muscle governs all.
If you're using anything other than muscle, fists,

(22:39):
things attached to your body, things
that you can hold with your body that don't fire,
fire magic, illusions and such, you'll be fine.
OK.
Maki, it seems like you're not going to be much
of a help this fight.
That's only if they catch him.
How many southern skulls can you cast?

(23:00):
He's already got one for his pecs.
I can cast four more.
So you've got good for four more spells, basically.
Yeah.
OK.
Well, that's still pretty good.
Can they also affect it in effect at the same time,
or do they have to be like--
There might be concentration required on some of them.

(23:21):
So his pecs might disappear.
I don't know.
That's true.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, if you count.
Just ask for more albear eggs and start
stuffing them in your cloak to make it continue to look big.
So we could challenge him for a fight.
But the thing is, if it's in that ring,
and all four of us are in there, that's a pretty tight space.
Hey, kid, if you want a bigger ring,
we can clear the floor.
Just the whole floor?

(23:42):
Yeah, then we can just get everybody to stop moving.
You've got to make an official challenge if you want that.
Big as the third.
Oh, it's a warehouse.
So they just slide all the equipment to the edge?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, but you just challenge this whole area.
I like that idea.
There's only one thing missing, kid.
What?

(24:02):
You guys got costumes?
'Cause you do, but I'm not doing it the rest of the whole--
Hey, I mean, whatever's your outfit is your outfit.
You just better have a cool title to go with it.
Cool name.
Yeah, I have a cool name.
OK, well, you said something about multiple people.
I don't know what their costumes are,
but I have a great costume.
All right, all right.

(24:22):
Well, hey, I mean, I love watching a good SmackDown,
so if you're going to get this started,
you better get it started.
And if we were to challenge the king,
yeah, people wouldn't be mad at us if we killed him.
No, that's how things work around here.
You see that guy dead on the floor?
He challenged the king.
Now he's dead.
That works.
Stevie will be bi-layered to clean him up?
That's not what I'm looking for.

(24:43):
I'm just asking in terms of--
Yes.
I don't want us to win, and then immediately,
some of those challenges us, because they sit
with pretty weak.
Is it thing?
They do that here, right?
I think-- I think--
I shall challenge you for the belt immediately, yeah?
I'll just give it to a lot of them want to be king.
I just wanted it if, dad.
Here's the thing.
I've never seen a group win against the main leader.

(25:04):
Usually, those challenges are a little bit less like,
who's going to be king and more of just like,
I don't know, just more like a--
Desperation?
Yeah, kind of desperation.
Like, one guy gets challenged to death by whoever's ruling.
And then the other guy's like, wait, I want to help.
And then that ruler might be like, yeah, OK, I'll take two of you.

(25:25):
And they both die.
Yeah, usually that's what happens.
Here's the thing.
The guys that rule this place, they rule for a reason.
Because they rule?
Yeah.
Or gals, just to clarify here.
Because previously, we had a queen.
Literal and metaphorical sets.
Yeah.
Now, interestingly enough, we haven't seen the queen in a minute.

(25:47):
I wouldn't be surprised if you took him out.
She might come back.
Then you'd have to deal with her.
And she might not deal with that.
Just say she could be the queen.
So is the queen also really buff?
Oh, yeah.
Is this--
OK.
Oh, yeah.
You haven't seen her, but Gavin.
Gavin had mentioned to you that queen--
She disappeared.
Valeria.

(26:07):
Yes.
She's left since he returned.
So that left an opening in the rulership,
which he immediately felt.
Well, you just challenge this guy,
get him dead, then a doorknob, and then just leave the belt
here with you and say, give it to the queen when she returns.
Yeah, sure.
I mean, hey, Queen Valeria is great.

(26:30):
She's a fun ruler.
We would have wacky Wednesdays where we would put on goofy
cut.
We would have--
We'd have a king.
That was the first order of business I was going to do.
All the dudes were dressed in made outfits,
and we'd all wrestle and stuff.
And that was funny.
A lot of oil.
Sometimes, yeah.

(26:50):
We had thirsty Thursdays where we would drink something
other than protein shakes.
That guy-- this is interesting.
I don't make them, because I wouldn't know how.
But that gets interesting.
We'd have a Taco Tuesdays.
I mean, that's just-- everybody loves Taco Tuesdays.
And Monday Madness, you got to be here for it.

(27:12):
OK, OK, I get the idea.
There's a lot of fun stuff.
Yeah, we have a good time.
Sometimes we just--
Challenge this guy.
Sometimes on Fridays, we just go out
and we just beat on the elderly.
It's pretty great.
That's probably my favorite.
It's a tough toss up between Taco Tuesday
and beat on the elderly Fridays.

(27:34):
This sounds like a great place you got going on
here.
As for me, the all challenge, because that way,
no one will be mad if one of us just randomly started shooting.
We all need to get funny costumes to challenge him,
or else it won't be taken serious apparently.
And then we kill him in the day.

(27:54):
And everyone praises us as heroes of the story.
Hey, just so you know, there's some costumes in the back,
if you want.
Let's go to the--
Yeah.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
All right, let's cut to you guys going to the back.

(28:19):
And there's just any kind of costume you can think of.
In fact, this whole thing--
Yeah.
Costume montage.
This whole thing seems really out of place.
Like you walk out of a gym full of ripped dudes.
It smells sweaty.
It's kind of--
I could not imagine the smell.
Yeah, all you drinking protein shoes.
You say it's out of place, but if they need a costume

(28:41):
to challenge, I feel like it's very in place.
It's a fair point Wednesday for Ralph while he was in prison.
There's been plenty of--
they've been adding costumes every Wacky Wednesday.
People bring in what they find and stuff like that.
So--
Go in and you get a random costume every Wacky Wednesday.
That's the fun of it.
That's the fun of it, yeah.
And you put random pieces together.
All right, so montage.

(29:01):
What's everybody wearing?
Who wants to go?
Mocky has trouble-- a little bit of trouble with first
deciding, but he decides to go with a powdered wig
and a judge's robe.
Mate, that's awesome.
You have a-- wait, yet he has--
The name.
You can go with the judge.
Yeah, judge.
I don't know.
We'll just go with the judge.

(29:22):
The judge.
The judge is good enough.
The judge.
All right, fantastic.
We got Mocky as the judge.
Kiko is going to pull out this prize that he won
from a long time ago.
But he's been eyeing it and polishing it.
And so he puts on his helm of the Minotaur.
Oh, nice.
Yes, a fur pelt that he wraps around himself.

(29:45):
This medal.
What, yeah, what's his name?
The Bolla.
Just mess with the Bolla.
Mini Minot-- mini Minotaur.
That's a long name.
I was going to say, what--
We're going to go with the mini Minotaur.
Mini Minotaur.
Cameron, you got something?
Rorik, OK.
Rorik's going to rip off--

(30:06):
He's already wearing this underneath.
It's a--
It's a bright blue Liotard.
It's very revealing in the sailor's scenario.
This is a very traditional, like, actual wrestling.
Yes.
Very skin tight, classic wrestling Liotard.
I love it.
And he grabs a sailor hat.
Nice.
A little sailor hat.

(30:27):
He cocks to the side.
He goes, I'm Fizzle Fingers.
He's using the title.
All right, we haven't heard Fizzle Fingers since, like,
episode two.
And a little lightning blast off.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
And then finally, we got Dez.
All right.
Dez finds light blue tights with a red spandex underwear

(30:51):
over it, a red cape, no shirt, a red luchador mask,
and red boots.
Rico Shed Pro Mucha Lucha.
And I don't know if I could use the fixture that's
in my mind, because that might be--
he's a nacho boy.

(31:12):
Nacho boy.
He's a nacho boy.
Don't claim that boy.
That's nacho boy.
He was a T.S. prior to us.
Yeah, exactly.
So this is important.
Do we still have our equipment and stuff on us
over in these costumes?
Yes.
So you have pockets in these.
I mean, I do have a bag of holding,
so I technically could have everything on me.

(31:34):
But for the rest of them, I don't know.
Let's keep the ACs for minimal complexity.
I don't want to be that guy.
Weapons, anything that you can fit in your two hands,
you can keep on your person.
So, are we wearing armor?
I'm going to count it.
I'm going to leave it as whatever armor it is that you had on.

(31:54):
You can have a version of that armor kind of
as part of your costume, just so that we're not like,
oh, let's rewrite our ACs and everything
like that for this battle.
Like that's--
Maki, he definitely takes off his backpack
and makes sure he wraps the egg in his--
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so it doesn't get broken.
Well, you can store it too.

(32:14):
There's like lockers.
Oh, and Maki casts false life on himself.
OK.
Nice.
Some 10th HP.
Yep.
At second level.
Whoa, lots of 10 HP.
Sounds good.
All right, so you guys come walking out of the lockers.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

(32:35):
Slow motion, lots of epic music going on,
and everybody's staring at you.
Everyone's pausing as they're all walking out.
He's just like in the ring, just kind of walking around,
pointing at everybody like, is there
no one man enough to take on the king?
I am.

(32:55):
He like whips around and points.
Ew.
I am.
Ew.
A desert snappy belt man.
I think you're going to write on the towel.
I am.
And then steps the--
And then Maki says, you have permission to approach the bench.
[LAUGHTER]

(33:16):
That's such a good word.
I see four challengers.
Do you all challenge me at once or am I taking on?
One at a time.
Am I going to have to break in half one at a time?
And in the last one, we'll have seen three of his friends die
in front of his very eyes.
You're challenging all four of us at once.

(33:39):
As he says, I accept your challenge,
you hear a snap, and the lights go off,
and lights above the gym start to turn on and illuminate
the center of the area.
People almost like the back or the behind the scenes staff
of a play, like come running out, grabbing equipment,

(34:00):
and moving it off to the side so that there's
this huge stadium space now for you guys.
A mic drops from the ceiling.
The guy from earlier that you guys got the protein shakes
from comes walking out in a black and white striped outfit.
And he says, in the main ring.
We're fighting in this corner of the fight we got.

(34:22):
The only the ruler of the beast is King Fortunus.
And everybody just starts clapping and cheering.
And this is our guest challengers.
Over in the left side of the ring, we've got four.

(34:42):
That's right, four challengers tonight,
starting with the judge.
And Maki comes strolling out in his white wig
and his judge clothing and enters the ring.
All right.
[LAUGHTER]

(35:02):
And everybody stands at their clout.
They look over at King Fortunus like they're
kind of nervous to clap, but that liar was pretty good.
And they're like, I can't help it.
I can't help it.
At King Fortunus, I imagine doesn't really care.
No, you're just like pacing.
He's so bold on the other side of things.
Like, oh, yeah.
Yeah, oh, yeah, we got a fight tonight.
Our second fighter for tonight, we've got the mini minotaur.

(35:27):
Kiko's going to start pawing the grunk,
and then he's going to let Lucey and attempt
at an intimidating roar.
But it kind of just sounds like the little Lion King
bitler.
[LAUGHTER]
Do you like charge in?
Yeah.
Nice.
Nice.
OK.
I think people are a little put off by the meow.
And they're a little confused.
They're like, what are you attempting?

(35:48):
Right, right.
All three feet.
So it doesn't quite get so--
If you guys are all three feet tall,
I'd like to imagine one of you guys
has trouble getting into the ring.
You could say that the main floor is the ring at this point.
So, but--
They definitely struggle getting through the--
Yes, open space.

(36:09):
All right, and following after the minotaur,
we've got our next fighter, electric fingers.
Is he that's right?
It's Fizzle Fingers.
Fizzle Fingers is going to slowly walk forward.
He's moving his shoulders up and down.
And he's going to stop, raise his hands in front of his face,

(36:31):
and then electricity is going to flow between his fingers
as he pulls them apart and then shoots them straight up
as lightning flies.
And you hear some people in the crowd and they're like,
oh, no, that's magic.
That's magic.
It's for show.
Woo-la-la-la-la.

(36:51):
It's fire and tech mix.
And finally, the remaining member of this group
who goes unnamed, the final member, Nacho Boy.
Nacho Boy turns around and flexes his buttocks.
Just squeeze it.

(37:12):
There's a little like, shh, the iron buck.
Crazy.
Here, Maki casts a gust who makes his cape fly.
So you can get a better--
You hear amidst all the clapping and excitement
from the crowd here, from a few different areas
as well as you approach.
Walking along the towel.

(37:34):
How are you walking towards the ring?
Space all clenching your butt cheeks?
I'm walking back.
It's like a moonwalk while we've clenched the butt cheeks.
With that, the battle will begin.
I need everybody to roll your initiative.
18.

(37:58):
Hold your chair for control.
Kick a thing.
Kick a things off.
All right.
How about the rest of you guys?
15, 15, 16.
Also 16.
Oh, yep.
You kicking things off.
King Fortunius is first.
So in this voice now.
How big is the syrica where--
It's pretty big.

(38:18):
I mean, you can get to them from where you're at.
It's just-- you got rough dimensions to this, biz.
Cameron, you said-- what did you say?
We're 500 by 500.
That's like a big warehouse.
I mean, it is a warehouse.
What he said is that it was a massive warehouse.
And that's like the arena with which we are fighting.
Right.
Because they moved all the workout equipment out
of the way, so it's just one big opal floor.

(38:39):
That's so strong, boys.
Oh, yeah.
But there's a lot of people here.
So you got like two to three guys that pick up a piece of it.
And they're all boys.
OK, so we'll say 500 by 500 in this room.
OK.
And how far apart are we?
Yeah, where do we-- because if we're starting in opposite areas,
we're like 1,000 feet away from each other.
This is going to be--

(39:00):
if you wouldn't really argue, you'd see the score.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
And most, you'd be 500 feet away.
At most, 500 feet.
And how far--
Well, but--
That's not--
You'd have to take into account the Pythagorean theorem.
The hypotenuse could be--
Yeah, most.
See if it's--
You're not opposite like 1,000.
I just imagined C was in the center.

(39:20):
And then we all came out from the room.
And that's basically the flight.
OK, we'll say 200 feet, roughly.
We're about 200 feet.
We're about 50 feet from the edge.
So he's about 200 feet from us.
OK.
We'll say--
We'll say 200 feet.
OK.
And how far can I move in a single turn?
Your speed should be on there.
So I can move 25 feet in a turn.
Unless you sprint--

(39:41):
You could sprint, which is your whole action.
Yeah, it'll use your movement and your action.
And then that will double your movement.
Can I see--
So I guess I'll just start going over there.
You just start sprinting towards them.
Start walking.
Oh, you're just walking over them.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, we're going to--

(40:02):
And then we cut back to you guys.
And since you guys are still too far away,
you guys are going to be so sore.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I didn't--
It's got too much confidence.
We don't exactly do cardio in these two.
Yeah.
So yeah, I just moved 25 feet close to town.
So I'm now 200--
no, 175 feet away.

(40:25):
That's all I can do.
Yep.
That's my route.
That's all I can--
I only have melee.
No, that's fair.
That's fair.
All right, well, with that being said, we'll jump over to Dez.
Dez will also sprint towards him,
closing the distance by 60 feet.
And that's it.
That's all right.
So I'm 170.

(40:46):
So you are 115 feet away from me.
The reward turns to this, and I'll be right there.
I should have just said 100 feet from each other.
You know, we started--
Should we just-- yeah, should we just cut to that?
Nobody's doing anything arranged, right?
I was going to, but it's good.
Well, you can hang bad.
Maybe start us within 100 feet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(41:07):
Let's do 100.
Let's cut to 100.
It's just us charging.
Yeah, let's us see it in Monty Python.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lancelot is running, charging the gate.
So we're going to narrow--
we're going to retcon this to 100 feet,
with King Fortunus walking 25 feet,
intimidatingly towards you guys.
Dez has moved a total of 60 feet closer.

(41:29):
There's still a 15 foot gap.
Keto.
Keto will do the same thing as Dez.
Oh, god.
Charge forward.
Charge forward.
Nice.
OK.
30 or the 60.
It's interesting to note, but I mean,
I guess it's not really going to matter.
Once people get-- who want Melee, get into Melee range,
and then people who want range are where they're at, basically.

(41:51):
Oh, he is going to--
what is he going?
Enter a defensive stance.
Oh, OK.
Using his tunnel fighter feet.
OK.
Sounds good.
Perfect.
Getting ready for the onslaught.
I have a question.
Yes.
Now that it's your turn.
So if I use my chromatic infusion,
which lets me add a specific type of damage to my weapon.

(42:13):
Right.
Is this visible?
Because I said there-- last time I used the-- yeah,
they could see lightning shooting out of it when I fired it,
but like, could I choose not to do that?
Let me-- I will put it this way.
It's like, what if I did poison?
Right.
I will put it this way.
If it's something that wouldn't be visible,
then you could do that, and nobody would really notice.

(42:34):
Correct.
Right.
Electricity, obviously, very noticeable.
The fire would be very noticeable.
I don't know about cold.
It's just more cold.
It's just cold.
Yeah.
He would notice, but I don't think
he's in a position where he's going to be like,
oh, it's going to use the magic.
No, especially since the cold is only 1d4 of the majority

(42:55):
of the damage, which is going to be--
it's more going to be painful.
Right.
Right.
Right.
And you just might-- I think the cold feeling
is just from the pain.
Yep.
Anyways, I will do cold.
I'm going to imbue my weapon with cold damage,
and then I'm going to-- he sent me five feet away,
so I'm within range.
So I'm just going to pull out my bow,
and I'm just going to fire at him.

(43:15):
OK.
Sounds good.
Roll that attack.
23 to hit.
That sounds like it'll hit.
10 damage.
10 damage.
I'm just auto-added in the cold damage,
because he's not resistant.
Yeah.
I don't think he has any kind of weakness or anything like that.
All right.
So you fire an arrow and slams into him,
and he feels as it hits him this freezing cold over the spot

(43:36):
where it makes contact.
It doesn't-- obviously doesn't bother him more than anything
else might, but it definitely is adding to the damage.
And you see him kind of shrug.
I imagine he probably just rips the arrow right out
of his arm or whatever it is to hit.
He don't take more than tiny sticks to bring the king down.

(43:56):
Maki finishing off the order.
So how close are you guys?
So two of them are within 15 of him, yeah.
75 from us, too.
OK.
Yeah, I'm going to rush in with those guys
and get in range to range.
OK.
Yeah, I'll say.

(44:16):
I'm going to throw the book at you.
I pull out the law textbook.
You've been holding on to it for so long.
This is one of the two weapons I chose to bring.
Nice.
I love that.
Too perfect.
It's too good.
Chuck it out.

(44:37):
From 75 feet away.
Well, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Wouldn't that be an action, though?
That is a little action.
Oh, you're saying--
Because you didn't spray it.
Well, you've got the book out.
It's out the ready as you're rushing towards.
Yeah, I say that.
I'm going to ruin the moment a little bit.
I have an order.
I'm going to show the book at you.

(44:57):
I'm going to show the book at you.
And he goes, too many words.
And with that, we're back at the top of the order
with King Fortunus.
I love the fact that it's like how they always grab a chair,
grab a ladder or something.
You bust out a giant law textbook.
No way.
Yeah.
I use a bonus action to cast Expedious Retreat.

(45:19):
Get me extra move.
OK.
I like always how when you Expedious Retreat,
you always use it in like a--
It's not a retreat.
You can reuse it.
It's a run-in.
Always just to make you fast.
How much movement does it give you?
Well, it gives me a dash action.
Oh, OK.
So it'll double.
So it'll get you--
It gives me a dash action.
OK.
So yeah, you're within throwing distance.

(45:39):
Like, throw the book in.
Yeah.
All right.
So you rush forward.
You reach into your cloak.
Pull out this giant law textbook as you zip past,
or at least up alongside your friends at an unnatural speed,
and then hurl this book at him.
Roll an attack, I guess, use your normal ranged--

(46:02):
Am I a trap fisherman?
Technically not.
[LAUGHTER]
[INAUDIBLE]
[CHEERING]
Oh, man.
Now I got to think of what--
What is the fucking book?
Kill Sim.
It opens up on a page.
He starts reading how he just killed a man.
20 to 25 years.

(46:23):
I like the idea.
As you throw it at him, the book opens up,
and it hits him right in the face.
And as it does, the cover's slams,
so it just crushes him a little bit.
Is it like, it is two years, and draws him?
The yell like, Smitty's just going down.
[INAUDIBLE]
Do-- I guess it'd be--

(46:44):
I don't know what to give a book.
1D6 is the typical thing, but then you'd be doing double.
So you do 1D6, and then plus the max damage, which is six.
Oh, yeah.
That's going to be seven.
All right, hey, well, seven damage
as this book slams into King Fortunus' face
and kind of squishes his ears between the covers.

(47:06):
Do birds have ears?
They have ear holes.
That's got to be a long book.
He's got a beak.
Yeah, that's true.
It causes him to look down a little bit.
All right, sounds good.
With that, we're back at the top of the order with King
Fortunus.
Maki is closest to me, or is he in Iran?
Technically, all three.

(47:26):
So Maki, Keto, and Troub book at me.
So that's true.
I'll go ahead and--
You throw this big book of words at King Fortunus.
Insinuating, I can't read it.
I understand the gravity of what I'm about to do to the Fortunus.

(47:47):
He chucks the book backwards.
You won't be needing that when I'm done with you.
So he comes up, gets within range.
At this moment, Maki realizes it may not
have been the best idea to dress as a judge while facing a--
[LAUGHTER]
I will hit Maki with a claw melee.

(48:11):
OK.
That is--
You're good.
You won that one.
So that's how--
That's a--
[INAUDIBLE]
Dang, King Fortunus is never a Fortunus at the moment.
You go lunging forward with a big punch,
and all you hit is hair.
As your fist goes into his giant wig and pulls back,

(48:34):
nothing, no contact made.
There is no flesh nor bones in this hair.
What kind of sorcery are you pulling?
Does he still have his other--
like, here, bones all the time.
Do I still have my--
Yeah, yeah, you still have your other hand.
All right, so I guess since he--
His next punch is a little more cushiony.
I was going to say, it'll be a disadvantage.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(48:54):
I like to think that King Fortunus doesn't miss often.
So when he does, it really throws him off,
or at least in this moment.
Yeah, I'm going to--
I'm going to be rolling like poopy with this.
So I'm going to be--
What are you using it for?
Why are you--
Yeah, I'll leave it.
This is the best way to DM and encounter.
I don't have to keep track of anyone's health points.
They're armor-climber.
This is really tall.

(49:14):
Yeah.
All right.
So 18.
Oh, 18.
OK.
So the 18 to slam, body slam.
Yeah, I'll do a body slam.
All right, well, Dez is the only other one that--
See, you don't finish the mini minotaur in Nacho Boy.
Wait, so you're still going to--
you're going to body slam Dez?
I'll body slam Dez.
OK, sounds good.
They're all the same area.
OK.
I had imagined if they're like in a line,

(49:35):
he like whips.
Yeah.
And then he sees the other two.
The other guy.
That makes sense.
It's the first thing in this bitching.
Perhaps.
He's a very focused bird.
Very-- yeah, he's very hyperfixing.
Yeah.
He's ready to all that damage already.
What's-- what is it?
Is it just a flat damage?
And--
So it gives you the flat damage,

(49:57):
and then it tells you what you could roll.
He's a much smaller creature, which he is.
It must succeed at DC 15 strength, say.
So he needs to roll 15 or higher on a strength save.
Yes.
Oh, what's that double ones?
I saved that strength save.
Oh, you did make it?
OK.
So as you whiff it into the hair of the judge,

(50:17):
you turn and see Nacho Boy standing there.
And in your anger, you leap forward
trying to smash your whole body on top of him.
And you do succeed.
Although he kind of dodges out of the way
so that you only slam into a portion of him,
kind of make him spin a little bit,
but you don't trap him underneath your body.
You deal 10 damage to him total, and he is not

(50:38):
knocked under your own body weight.
Yes, take that.
You minnaged your tortilla chip, man.
Who else wants a crack at the king?
Well, the mini tortilla chip man has his turn
to take a crack at the king, as he dodges more or less
out of the way.
I'm going true.
I have dual-wielded hand axes.

(51:01):
Nice.
I'm going to roll both attacks, I think.
OK.
15?
No, it does not.
Oh, darn.
Then we'll use my bonus axe to swing again.
And that's not going to hit, because that's less than a 15.
As he's kind of picking himself up after this body slam,
you start swinging towards him, kind of towards the ground
that he's rolling and dodging out of the way

(51:23):
to keep your hand access from chopping into him.
And they slam down and take out chunks of the floor instead.
We move over to Keto, who's standing also right next to you
guys.
Yes.
Do you have your--
Keto has his glaive.
His glaive.
Already glaive.
What is it?
So it's like a tall spear with a blade on the end?

(51:43):
Sick of.
Instead of a spear point, it's like a sword.
Yeah, yeah.
I like what the Fire Nation guy, Jerry, did.
Yes.
Yes.
Keto's seeing his comrade bloodied
is going to exit his defensive stance
and just run at the bird using peck tactics a 26.

(52:04):
Whoa.
Six damage.
Well, just 26 damage.
Oh, yeah, that for sure.
OK, nice.
All right.
What are you doing damage-wise, mini minotaur?
So it's a d10.
10 damage.
10 damage.
As you slash it, as King Fortunus
is rolling around on the floor dodging these axes,
he's not lucky enough to dodge the glaive that

(52:26):
comes slashing down at him, slicing across to one
of his proud biceps.
You have only made me look cooler
as we go through this battle.
Oh, yeah?
And here responds with a second attack.
Yeah.
Well, how about a 23?

(52:47):
No, 23, I mean, yeah, it is.
Same thing.
All right, fair.
Do it the same.
Better.
So that'd be 14.
14 damage.
As he starts to monologue about how much cooler you've
made him, you figure, well, I'll give him another.
And you slash his other bicep.
Now, both of his biceps are bleeding profusely.

(53:08):
They both look as cool as the other.
And finally, you get a third roll.
He makes his action surge as a fighter
and makes one additional action.
This is where fighters get kind of crazy.
He's coming in more than that.
Another attack.
It's definitely a good time to pull out all the stops.
Nope.

(53:28):
That is the last game of the year.
Brandt, can't you do anything about now?
16.
If it's--
The needed beats.
Does it--
I'm going to say immediate beats.
That's as it does.
I do not see a big deal.
Objection overrule.
[LAUGHTER]
There's another 13.
This is what-- see, I had messaged Cameron at one point

(53:49):
when after you went to the arcade
and got all those abilities.
And I said, dude, he's capable of doing this amount of damage
in one round at max.
But you did 37 damage.
Holy cow.
The defendant may retake their seat.
[LAUGHTER]
Says the judge as you sort of twirl your glaive and slash

(54:11):
like upward up his body.
As he's kind of just telling you how much
cooler you're making his biceps, you
decide to slash across his chest.
One of those did invoke the slasher feet,
so your movement is decreased by 10.
Oh.
Oh, that's cool.
All right, Rorick, you're up.
Sorry, fizzle fingers.
Fizzle fingers is just going to take aim.

(54:32):
And he saw Keto go absolutely crazy on him.
He's like, all right, my turn.
And he's going to aim his bone, seeing
that the guy is distracted.
That's a 21 to hit.
I'm going to roll my D6.
And I'm going to add two more because of my snake attack.
15 damage.

(54:52):
15 damage as this arrow comes flying through what element?
Did you use a cold?
Slams in.
This might be in trouble.
Slams into freezing a chunk of one of your packs.
My massive packs.
Yeah.
And then Rorick after landed an attack, he fist bumps.

(55:14):
Nice.
And a little electricity flies around
his hand as he fist bumps.
And then he's going to go forward about 15 feet.
Just so he's within 60 feet of Des.
And then he's going to be like, Des, you got a net.
You'll get him next time.
And I'm giving Des Bartick and Spurry.
Nice.
Nice.
Awesome.
Yep, set that D6 aside.
You're going to want it.
All right, last and not least, the judge,

(55:37):
after making a couple of clever quips,
is standing there and has an opportunity to attack.
The judge uses his extra speed to rush around the defendant.
Oh, and attack from the rear.
He reaches into his judge's robe and pulls out
a wooden war hammer.

(55:58):
It's a giant gamble.
And he says, order in the court.
He goes to attack.
This is just an unending secret of--
I missed the--
Great references happen.
He pulled-- well, I'll do the narration.
16 plus stuff.
Yeah, that hits.
All right, roll that damage.
It's a D8.

(56:19):
I think so, yeah.
But I'm not proficient.
Right.
Oh, no.
Is it a 1?
Just 1 damage.
Oh, no, 1 damage.
So yeah, Maki swings around King Fortunus,
who's distracted mostly by Keto, getting slashed across,
and then getting hit by a random arrow as well.
And Maki reaches into his cloaks,

(56:40):
pulls out this large wooden war hammer,
which is basically a giant gavel,
and bonks very cartoonishly King Fortunus on the head
for 1 damage.
Ouch.
You're old.
But it's something.
It's something.
That's going to be the damage that kills him, right?
Someone else is going to kill him.

(57:00):
Last damage.
That would have been--
That would have been so funny.
We're just snogged about like a cartoon.
Like, he just starts getting dizzy.
He's--
A giant?
Like a giant-- well, rose on top.
Sad.
With that being said, King Fortunus now
has the opportunity to react.
All right.
I see you may be more formidable than I had once in me.

(57:23):
He takes out his spinach.
So he has a spinach, and he injects--
He has a spinach.
He injects a spinach.
He injects a spinach.
And you see like the muscles just grow up to his fist
and then come back.
And up to his other fist and come back.
I'll read it.
So we've decided that the spinach--

(57:44):
do I do the whole buffs or just--
Yeah, it's all of them.
So plus 15 movement, plus 5 to melee attacks.
But it inflicts reckless.
So at the start of its turn, can gain advantage
on all melee weapon attack rolls during that turn.
But attack rolls against it have advantage until the start
of end-ditch generation.
Yeah, like barbarian race.
Right.
Does that if I use it?

(58:05):
So what's up?
They all use advantage as well?
Yeah, yeah.
Is that plus 5 to melee?
No, no, no, that's inch.
Plus 5 to damage.
Yep.
Yeah.
So I kill plus 5 damage.
Yes.
But you have advantage to hit.
So you're getting an advantage to hit,
and you're adding more damage to it when you do.
So right.
But if I use advantage, then everybody else gets advantage.
True.
True.

(58:25):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I have three guys using melee.
The key thing here, though, is that you don't really
get a choice with the spinach.
Yeah.
I mean, it's all on else.
Just stuck it?
Yeah, yeah.
It--
So you inject it, and you--
Did you heal him then?
No, it did not heal.
You inject the spinach, and you start to just get furious.
As your muscles start to get bigger.
Oh, yeah.

(58:47):
Now it's time to unleash the ping.
So he goes over to Gido.
Gido.
You dealt third.
I like how he-- I like how he targets.
Yeah, he sees the glade.
This is the first I was going after.
Can I actually--
I was going to have the guy like yell to a guy,
so turn off the lights.
Oh, can I do that?
Instead of this attack, you just

(59:07):
injected spinach for literally no reason.
Here's where it gets tricky, right?
You tail the guy to turn off the light,
and then it's going to be disadvantaged,
so it's going to cancel out your advantage,
and then you'll just be doing the attacks.
But he has dark scissors.
Oh.
You can see in the dark up to 60.
Oh, I hear it.
Well, hey, sure, yeah.
Turn out the lights, Ricky.

(59:29):
Oh, yes, sir.
And then the lights all just go off.
It's pitch black in there.
Pretty lame fight.
If the full power just goes on the middle of it.
Yeah, I didn't know.
Everybody's like, I don't know what's going on.
Yeah, the spectators are like booing in there
while their money is out.
All right, well, the lights are off.
But King Fortunus has dark vision.

(59:49):
I can see it.
So it's pretty clever.
Feet.
So I'm going to use this on keto.
Keto.
All right.
So it also has dark vision.
I get 18.
18?
Does 18 hit?
It does not.
It does not hit.
It does not hit.
Gosh, dang.
You swing and you kind of like clip one of the horns
on his helmet.
And it just makes the helmet swing on his head.

(01:00:11):
But it doesn't actually hurt no more.
Yeah.
Well, he's got two more.
So he's going to come back.
Yep.
I always come back up today.
What an advantage.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Oh, what was that second?
What was that second one?
Oh, so OK, that's your first attack.
First attack is--
OK, so the second one is a 19.
Wait a little.
That's total.
Doesn't hit because he's doing a hit.

(01:00:32):
All right, well, he's going to unload the clip on.
Here we go.
All right, 26.
OK, that's going to hit.
All right, all right, so 19 damage.
He swings once with one fist.
He does a cross.
It hits the horn, spins one way.
He swings with the other fist, hits the other horn
on the helmet, spins the other way.

(01:00:53):
Emits that confusion the helmet is creating.
He swings one more time, slamming straight into Keto's face.
Even to be fair, if he also has night vision,
he'd be able to dodge that pretty--
Sure.
--the first two.
Can't dodge the A train, baby.
Bam.
With that, we jump over to Dez Nacho Boy.

(01:01:16):
Dez cannot see in the dark.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Because he's reckless, you would have an advantage on him.
The darkness creates disadvantage.
It cancels that out, so you would just
be doing normal attacks against him.
Yeah.
Because you can hear him.
Very loud.
Yeah, he likes to influence himself.
Yes.
Yes, that's part of his reckless--

(01:01:37):
You see?
I'm going to use my action for my first swing.
How about a 24?
Sliving.
That's going to hit.
10.
Nice.
Here, man.
First one.
Second attack.
How about an 18?
Oh.
18 on the--
That's a hit.
To hit.
Yeah.

(01:01:57):
Yeah.
And offhand attacks, say, just the broad dice.
Right, a bonus.
Right.
Right.
An extra three damage.
Three damage.
13 total.
So amidst this darkness, you can hear him,
and you just close your eyes, allowing your sense of hearing
to guide your attacks.
Maybe your sense of smell.
Who knows?

(01:02:17):
Yeah, like Daredevil, exactly.
And so you start swinging one axe, sure enough,
makes purchase, and you can feel the muscle tendons,
and you're like, oh, I know exactly who I hit,
because all my friends are really scrawny.
You come back with the second one,
just going straight for that same area.
And although it doesn't make a huge gash,
you definitely make contact with that second swing.

(01:02:38):
With that, we're moving on to Keto.
Who can see amidst the darkness?
Yes, Keto can see.
As the night falls, Keto uses his bonus action
to summon a magical, translucent gray image of himself.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
No one else can see this, though.

(01:02:59):
Can you see?
I can see no one but you and whoever has--
Everyone was in but Natcho boy here.
Oh, everyone but Natcho boy has dark vision?
To you, Dan.
He just looks like a card copy of me,
given its cloak of darkness.
And then he proceeds to attack with a damage 19.
19?

(01:03:20):
9/8.
8.
OK.
Attack number two.
That one will not.
All right.
So amidst the darkness, you just hear,
as your glaives slices through flesh,
you go for a second attack.
But this time, King Fortunus is wised up to your attacks
and slightly dodges out of the way

(01:03:41):
so that your glaive just barely misses.
We move on to Rorik, who from a distance can see.
I think you've moved up within 60 feet.
Yeah, so you should be OK.
C60 feet.
And so--
Yep.
Dang, I probably should have.
Hey, you got rid of one guy's visibility, I guess.
Literally one guy, yeah?
I didn't know they all had it.

(01:04:03):
That's all right.
To fair, you already were giving them advantage.
So it was one way to try and go against it, whatsoever.
Anyways, Rorik's just going to make an attack with his bow.
17.
That hits.
17 damage.
17 damage is another arrow.
Tears us through the darkness and slams into King Fortunus.
He's dead.

(01:04:24):
He's dead?
He's dead.
Does he say anything as he gets hit and starts to crumple?
Oh, no.
You just kind of fall back.
And you guys--
Got to come back up.
You guys are standing there amidst the darkness.
You can yell at Ricky to--
Peter, like this, ban the echo before the lights turn off.

(01:04:44):
OK.
Monke mimics Fortunus' voice.
It says, turn the lights back on, Ricky.
Oh, you got it, boss.
Turns the lights back on as the light illuminates
the entire auditorium.
Everybody--
[GASP]
--and everybody gasps as they see the dead body of King
Fortunus in the center.

(01:05:06):
They're in disbelief.
But I mean, there's not really much
they can say in terms of doubt, because King Fortunus was
the one that told them to turn the lights off.
So if anything questionable happened behind the scenes,
they would not be the wiser to it.
So with that, you have successfully
defeated the great, the powerful King Fortunus.

(01:05:27):
And with that, we're going to close out this episode.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Thank you so much for listening to Criminals of Island Numus,
a Dungeons and Dragons fifth edition actual play podcast
set in a homebrew world created by me, Skyler Gorsett.
If you've been enjoying our show so far,
be sure to like, follow, and subscribe,
wherever it is that you're streaming from,

(01:05:47):
whether that be Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube,
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Or just check us out on our website, sessionzeroheroes.com.
Additionally, if you enjoy coin, you
might enjoy some of Session Zero Heroes' other shows,
such as our Benders and Brews and Avatar Legends
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Airbender and Legend of Korra using the Avatar Legend

(01:06:09):
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(01:06:30):
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(01:06:50):
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[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC ENDS]
[MUSIC ENDS]

(01:07:11):
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[MUSIC ENDS]

(01:07:32):
[MUSIC ENDS]
[BLANK_AUDIO]

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Criminals of Isla Numus - Episode 28 - Cracking' Open a Can of Spinach

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Criminals of Isla Numus - Episode 28 - Cracking' Open a Can of Spinach