January 21, 2026 • 56 mins
Having defeated King Fortunis, made a profit, and reunited with Lil Sauce, the gang decides it's a good time to take a break and head over to JarJim's Level-Up Arcade! They've got plenty of gold to blow on tokes, but what games will be played, what prizes will be won, and will they spend their tickets on anything that will help them to make 1,000,000 gold pieces? Find out in another episode of Criminals of Isla Numus!
- Maki (Quill Smith) - Played by David
- Kenku Shadow Sorcerer
- Keto (Ichthyo "Theo" Glycerskin) - Played by Fatty Lumpkins
- Kobold Echo Knight Fighter
- Feather McGregor - Played by Quinn
- Kenku War Mage Wizard
- Rorick (Fizzlefingers) - Played by Cameron
- Goblin Arcane Trickster Rogue
- Dez (Wingbert Featherbottom) - Played by Jackson
- Kenku Swarmkeeper Ranger
We hope you've enjoyed our show so far and that you continue listening as episodes are released! Additionally, feel free to follow us using the social links below, or by clicking the icons. Feel free to share our show with anyone who loves Dungeons and Dragons and actual-play podcasts! Finally, if you would be so kind, we would appreciate a review on whatever platform you're listening on. It would mean a lot and help to support our podcast and allow us to grow! Thanks so much for listening!
Social Media
- LinkTree - A Full List of Our Links
- Instagram - @SessionZeroHeroes
- Facebook - @SessionZeroHeroes
- Bluesky - @szhpodcast.bsky.social
- X- @Session0Heroes
Credits
Character Art by: comabogbog Music by: Simon Jones Music Additional Music by: Monument Studios
© 2023 Session Zero Heroes. All rights reserved.
Listen
Watch
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello, weary traveler.
I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here,
but you have stepped into a realm of my creation,
a sprawling city filled with danger and glory,
(00:22):
and most importantly, lots of gold.
I call it, Ilanumis.
Who am I?
You might ask.
The name is Jarjim, and I'm the patron deity of gambling.
Long story short, this group of idiots,
or as you may call them, heroes, made a bet with me
that they had when it took to make a mass trove of gold,
(00:44):
but left some of the key details blank.
So I filled them in myself.
I sent them to this pocket dimension,
into the city I had created with brand new bodies
they have to attune to.
Can these fools pass my test, or will they
be trapped here forever?
So experience my world of trials and tribulations,
(01:07):
and join alongside this posse of pitiful people,
or as I like to call them, the criminals of Ilanumis.
Welcome back, everybody, to another episode
of the criminals of Ilanumis.
I snuck it in past you guys.
You guys were drunk, prepared.
A Whitney today-- well, first of all, hi.
I'm Skylar.
Here, I am the host and Game Master, Dungeon Master,
(01:29):
whatever you want to call it.
Again, we not really run into any dungeons,
so I feel bad taking the title of Dungeon Master.
The Game Master, I can accept.
But aside from me, that's enough about me.
Let's talk about the players we got here today.
To my right, we got Dave.
Dave is playing Maki.
Yes, play Maki.
His mind is some kind like a dungeon.
So there are dungeons in here.
(01:50):
Cold, clanny, filled with cobwebs.
The inner workings of my mind are an enigma.
That's a mystery.
Maki's the shadow bird guy.
Shadow bird guy.
Our beloved shadow bird guy.
Fantastic.
Next to him, we got Fatty Lumpkins, who is playing--
(02:10):
are you feeling-- am I feeling in the blanks?
Or are you--
I want him to do it.
For getting-- he's getting there.
Go get there.
Keto.
Yeah.
I'm Keto.
And I'm a lizard.
I'm a fighting lizard.
What other additives do you think he'll add?
Clanting before he gets stronger.
(02:30):
He might also be the inner workings of his mind.
Are you thinking--
All right, we can't all have enigmas.
That's OK.
Oh, no, we're like split person.
How are we--
This is like speaking of split personalities.
Keto is an echo knight.
Ah, that's-- oh, that was clever.
That was good.
That was good.
Awesome.
(02:50):
Well, fantastic.
Well, we'll see how he echoes his way
through the incoming challenges.
Next to Fatty, we've got Quinn.
Yeah, a little sauce.
Yes.
I'll let you say it.
Yeah, a little sauce.
Going through a lot right now.
Yeah.
We'll see what it says.
This is interesting.
Big old bag of emotional--
(03:11):
Only person native to this world.
The inner workings of his emotions are an enigma.
He might, you know, go save the world.
He might start an emo rock band.
You never know.
Yo, hey, that'd be dope.
Next to Quinn, we kind of across the table from Quinn.
We've got Jackson, who's playing Diaz.
(03:31):
This is an audio podcast.
I don't believe that the orientation of the table
would matter.
But I'm Jack.
I play Dez.
The fun fact about Dez is the color yellow kind of makes
him go feral and angry in his mind.
Hates it.
Absolutely hates it.
Yeah, but I'm--
Has anything been described as yellow?
I do not believe so.
(03:52):
OK, well, I might keep that in mind.
Next time I want Dez to just lose it,
or you like everything around you is buster.
You find yourself in a yellow rubber room with a straight
jack.
Rory has been one of the proudest new banana toss.
Being a witch, you guys are always looking for gold.
(04:13):
And I feel like I keep--
Jurchin Keeds tell you there's always gold in the banana stains.
Always gold.
Always gold.
Tell me about that.
And then last but not least, giggling over here
about the banana stain, we have Cameron,
who's playing Roryek.
Hi.
Yeah, Cameron.
OK.
Playing Roryek.
And I prefer Chordily.
Chordily.
(04:33):
[LAUGHTER]
Chordily?
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
There should be a ranking of how you evolve as a douchey lad.
It's from a hearty chuckle to a chore for them.
The guffaw hurts evil longer.
It goes like, uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
(04:54):
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
And then you just maniacal laugh.
What the-- no.
Maniacal laugh.
Awesome.
That's everybody.
And with that, we'll jump into a brand new episode
of "Criminals of Island Oomens."
[MUSIC PLAYING]
All right.
(05:16):
So where we last left on?
We had two separate stories going on.
We had everybody except Lil Sauce,
who were out chasing monsters.
You guys had defeated the mitosisaurus before,
and then went on to take on the leader, or at least the recent
re-leader, for lack of better terms, of the beast's gang,
(05:41):
King Fortunus.
That's right.
And you guys were able to defeat and kill him.
So very impressive.
Well done all around.
Yeah, absolutely.
He was supposed to be a hard boss.
And that is not how I would say it felt.
But that's OK.
That's just played by an idiot.
Oh, oh gosh.
(06:02):
Brutal burn.
Brutal burn.
He's not here.
That's true.
Or else he would do nothing.
Yeah, that's probably true.
With that being said, on the other side of the story arc,
we had Lil Sauce off on his own,
trying to find out what happened to his ex-job organization,
blank space, this group of secret police
(06:23):
that he used to be a part of, and only recently quit,
and was asked to come back over by the chief,
only to discover that the entire police had been
blown to smithereens.
And everybody inside was dead, leaving him,
technically, the remaining agent to ever have
been a part of blank space here in Island Nubis.
And I think today we'll find out, or at least the rest of you
(06:45):
guys, we'll find out where that went and how that went.
But for now, you just finished up with King Fortunes.
You guys are-- I mean, you're technically still at the beast's
high out unless you want to kind of be done with that.
That's up to you.
The LA BC.
Yeah, the call.
And last friend, and Dave's idol,
knew the bearish shadow caster.
(07:06):
Yeah, Sark Lord shadow caster.
Almost out of--
Up into your new best friend, your first new best friend.
This is my second best friend.
Yeah, who was the first one again?
Gavin.
Ah, that's right.
Yeah, it's been a while.
Been a while.
Oh, yeah, for years.
Yeah.
He actually was-- he showed up to fill your space
for an episode.
And he wanted him to stay with us,
(07:26):
but for some reason he really had to go to his laundry.
He had to go to the laundry.
Dry cleaning.
You just--
Yeah.
All right, so you guys are standing there.
You want to get a hold of Varus shadow caster.
The only thing you have is his business card,
which he let you in.
What's this business card saying on that?
It says Varus shadow caster, resident advisor
(07:48):
at the School of Wizardry.
Des grabs the business card and just like throws it
on the ground.
It hits the ground, and it dents one corner,
and then it just kind of flops there.
Dead shrugs.
Oh, wait, I remember.
He said, I think he just said do some shadow stuff,
and he'd show up again.
(08:10):
Make shadow puppets.
[LAUGHTER]
Make a light with source.
Have your bullseye lantern.
I cast Darkness on the business card.
Hang on, all right.
So as you cast Darkness on the business card,
it expands out because it's like what, 20, 30 foot?
Radiant?
I think it's 30.
(08:31):
Wow, OK.
So it expands out 15 foot radius.
Oh, radius.
OK, so 15 foot radius around the business card.
It's kind of odd because everybody in the room
just flipped the lights back on, saw that King Fortunus is dead,
and then all of a sudden you snap your fingers,
and there's a huge just black darkness that surrounds all
of you, including King Fortunus, and creating a spout of darkness
(08:53):
that they can't see through, and everybody's like, whoa, whoa,
what's going on?
With that being said, all of a sudden, within the darkness,
you see a portion of it actually recede and get
suctioned into the card, and then poof.
You see various shadowcasters standing there
amongst sort of a clearing in the shadow, right over King
Fortunus.
(09:14):
And he says, ah, see, I knew you were a clever one that
would figure out how to use the card.
What can I do for you?
Have you gotten me some more goods?
Yeah, we got this guy right here.
King Fortunus, well, you are all quite capable, aren't you?
(09:36):
Interesting.
Well, well, well, well, what were you hoping for in terms
of compensation for me to remove this individual
from the premises for my purposes?
I think our going rate was about 5,000.
5,000 cool pieces?
I suppose that would be fair, given what I gave you before.
(09:58):
So yes, 5,000 gold pieces seems like a reasonable price.
And he takes a pouch out, and he lifts it,
and you see him actually use sort of a shadowy teleportation,
and you just see gold coins start to kind of fall out
of it into the sack.
And then once it's filled up, he holds it out to you guys.
(10:19):
Get a little grab it and pocket it.
Thanks, Beth.
Thanks, friend.
Of course.
And do let me know if you find any other interesting creatures
that might be of value to me.
You still have my card after all?
Yeah, and I can find it in this dart.
Oh, it'll be right below me.
And he takes a step back, and as he does,
(10:41):
he sort of just falls through the floor,
and you see that his card was right underneath him,
and there's like a shadow forming underneath of it,
and it sucks itself away and dissipates
as he disappears.
How does he do that?
Heat.
Wait, so he's gone now?
Yeah.
I can't believe that worked.
I thought a going rate was like 3,500.
(11:02):
We just made a profit.
Well, this was a higher level creature.
Oh, OK.
Hold on to this part.
You tried to scam the GM fan.
Do one.
All right, so you guys have a bench for a miner.
You guys just received another 5,000 gold pieces
from your strange and shadowy friend, Veresh Shadowcaster.
(11:22):
And technically, the darkness is going
to start re-filling itself as he disappears.
Man, I wonder if he teaches classes.
Maybe I could audit.
Yeah, I should level up.
You're going to need it.
Des writes on his little chalkboard, where to now?
(11:44):
We should probably--
do you think we're inside?
Let us finish the scene.
Do you think they'll let us keep the costumes?
And just as you say that, all of a sudden,
you hear the doors of the beast's headquarters slam open.
And you hear a loud voice, a female voice shout out,
(12:05):
oh, heard that king's heart.
Toon is his dad.
Oh, no, not that one.
This is probably the one chick.
Yes, I didn't write down her name.
I only have one name written, Shadowhack.
That's the other monster you have with.
Oh, let's go get her.
What does this lady have a name?
(12:26):
She does.
Do you know it?
The Queen.
Oh, there you go.
Oh, that must be the Queen.
We should probably get out of here.
Are you seeing the Owl out?
Yeah, sure.
Why not?
You hear, I am the Queen.
Who's saying?
Me.
I can't see anybody.
It's not that dark.
I say in pitch black.
This--
Did you cue King Fortunus?
(12:47):
Yeah.
Show it yourself.
I step a little to the right to step out of darkness.
You see this massive, hulking orc woman.
She's got a giant mace that's like in a scoured on her back.
She's got these-- she's got some pretty intense armor
on, huge shoulder pads.
A back scabbard?
What a loser.
(13:08):
Doesn't even know how arms work.
Dez steps out of the darkness offering a rude gesture,
specifically with his left hand.
Like a middle finger?
A rude gesture.
OK.
Keep this shaking.
What's his problem and who's he?
Well, I'm Rorik.
(13:28):
That's Dez.
Well, which one of you killed King Fortunus?
I was the group.
I was in the group fight.
Oh, it was--
I was the four of you one.
Spell the darkness.
I see.
So it's a group effort.
Well, that's normally not how we do things here in the beast,
(13:50):
but I can't complain because--
wait a minute.
Where is he?
King Fortunus.
He's-- he's Dez.
The line.
Did you disintegrate him?
Sure.
No, we didn't, because magic's not allowed.
That's right.
Yeah.
I was going to--
that was what was running through my mind.
No, we have a friend.
Yep, Dez is rubbing his stuff.
(14:15):
We have a friend who like me as a hungry apologize.
She pauses for a moment, and then she says, I respect it.
And she holds out her fist, twisty,
being a fist bump.
She says, wow, what a woman.
Behind her, you see--
behind her, you see there's a dwarf guy
(14:37):
with a big giant stone hammer.
He's like on her right side.
This is like her entourage, right?
She's got him on her right side, and then on her left side,
she has a Goliath.
And he's just this big hulking shirtless huge--
He's got-- he's got these--
He's got these giant legs.
He's got like 12 abs.
(14:59):
And he just-- he's just stone faced, right?
He's just stone faced.
He's got that thing where he's like balled all the way up
to the very top of his head, and then that hair
is just like really flowing.
He's got a big old beard.
And the dwarf dude, you only know he's a dwarf
because he has like woven features,
but he's surprisingly tall for a dwarf.
How big?
(15:19):
Come on.
Does he have big shoulder stew, Skylar?
No, no, no, he's got this huge--
It hangs down between his legs.
Massive kick.
He's also wearing what look like mahogany-colored like boot,
like fabric boots, like moccasins almost.
OK.
(15:40):
Yeah.
Can I say-- oh, when I see the dwarf,
can I say howdy-duty, brother and dwarf?
Yeah, I mean, you just tell me you do that.
You are.
OK, you do it.
Howdy-duty, brother.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
Yeah, obviously, he's streaky, dwarfish,
as he says that.
(16:00):
He says, [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
Best friend with a dwarf?
Well, his dwarfs do make good friends.
We're loyal.
I loyal to the queen.
Cool.
What a woman.
I--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
(16:21):
He bisbots.
Well, I have to say, you guys did me a big favor today.
So you're welcome any time back here at the grid out.
Can we keep the costumes?
Sure, I don't see why not.
And then she looks over at Maki and she's like,
what are you supposed to be?
Judge.
Judge.
(16:42):
Judge.
Judge.
Judge.
That's pretty clever, actually.
It'd be even funnier if you hit a guy
with a giant book or something.
You won't believe this.
No.
You're kidding.
Funny you should mention that.
So I pick up the book you duster.
Oh, now that's the right guy, dear, right?
(17:05):
Well, like I said, you guys are always
welcome back here at the Gridiron.
Consider yourselves members of the beasts.
Also, consider yourselves probably the smallest
members of the beasts.
We can bullcup.
Good.
That's what we do here.
It's the robes.
Ah, but you're hiding quite the package under there.
All right.
Do you guys have any other business here at the Gridiron,
(17:26):
or are you guys heading out?
No, sir.
Sir, all right.
So you guys, everybody gives you handshakes
as you guys kind of head out.
They're doing like the big lineup
that they do with basketball players or anything.
They're going to--
Yeah, exactly.
High fives all the way around.
Are they sharing judge's?
Yeah, but I'll--
Try it as far as the chant.
I think it's just a mix of shouting,
(17:47):
as everybody's chanting for whoever their favorite
from your grid.
Well, like more than the judge?
Yeah, it was a pretty--
I think everybody had a fan, you know?
Cool.
Even Dez, I mean, everybody--
Even--
[LAUGHTER]
Even some people like the bass player, you know?
The bass player?
(18:09):
I am a bass player, Cameron.
[LAUGHTER]
So now I'm offended that you think that bass players
are inadequate.
He hit it.
Bro, the Gridiron.
Oh, look at that.
And as you peel off into distance,
Elzegwe--
Oh, yeah.
Above the buildings and the houses and the roofs, tops,
(18:30):
the rooftops, you can see a beam of familiar light
glowing off in the distance.
Oh, they open a new casino.
[LAUGHTER]
And Dez writes on his little slate board, the rock dot,
dot, dot.
And he's looking up stoically at the light.
We can hear a little fan, water.
(18:51):
[SINGING]
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, like, just--
dude, if you guys could, like, put something on the rock
and then toss it off so it's a little symbol
and get the light buzz out like a bat signal,
only we can see it.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, you're on the road to the--
man, I'm just the GM away at the corner with the great ideas
(19:11):
for you guys.
You're welcome.
If the rock's glowing and it wasn't before,
then who's driving the buzz?
Well, whatever the case, you guys
spend a decent chunk of the day.
It's about late afternoon by the time
that you follow this to a familiar area in the Minionville
District where you guys find Little Sauce's house.
(19:33):
And that's where the light seems to be stemming from.
Oh, perfectly.
Can take a nice night's rest.
And that's a good question.
Is the light coming from inside the house
or do we find the rock in front of the house?
Yeah, it is like because you're seeing through the house.
This creates a lot of questions regarding the symbol
put onto the rock.
(19:53):
Oh, shit.
If it is not a shadow--
Sure, a shadow.
Yeah.
Dang.
And it died as fast as it began.
Bummer.
Maybe if you find the right material.
I have some physics questions regarding a fantasy world.
Shoot.
Man, I just ruined my own idea.
Darn.
Nothing's possible.
Like I said, maybe there's some material that the light
(20:16):
needs to pierce her.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
Anyways, let's go inside.
I was going to say, this is all--
you're all discussing this as you guys walk inside
and then out steps Little Sauce with Big Yarn.
Oh, you've made it back.
And you guys OK?
Never let her.
We're about 8,000 gold, OK?
(20:37):
Wow, that's pretty darn good.
You guys should level up.
Why?
I've got a lot to tell you about.
We have all night.
You going to do this at the arcade?
Or are you going to--
No, I--
You're going to tell them.
I mean, I guess I tell them every old story.
So all you guys-- you guys look a little bit beat up.
(20:58):
What were you doing?
Not going to say anything about our costumes.
That's OK, whatever.
It's a nice costume we got on.
Thanks.
I made it myself.
While you guys were out performing on Broadway,
I went to blank space.
I told you guys vaguely about this before.
(21:19):
I worked with them, secret policing agency.
Well, let's just say it no longer exists.
Somebody went in there and burned the whole place down,
killed everybody, lots of dead bodies.
I saw lots of deaths.
Blood everywhere.
Let me tell you.
Brought back some memories, bad ones.
So I went and I kind of, long story short,
(21:40):
found out that people behind this were the Legionnaires.
And I went and I talked to some of the city scum.
People I'd built up a relationship with
over the course of the years.
They kind of do the dirty work around the city.
And I kind of found out about the Grave Robbers
(22:00):
and what's going on.
It's connected to this.
People are going out and stealing bones,
looking specifically for magical bones.
They're taking them to a guy named Radicus.
He works dog security at the Elantis Night Shift.
So he's working night shift there.
And he's having all these people go and grab up these bones
(22:20):
for his pain, more for the magical bones.
And he is for the regular, but he's still
taking the regular bones.
And what he's doing with them, we're not sure.
But this is all my friends are dead.
All everybody that they killed Julia, 75 year old Julia,
slaughtered blood everywhere, picked apart.
(22:41):
Nothing left stomped on.
They killed her.
Oh, Julia, your girlfriend.
No, 75 year old girlfriend.
She was all the cougars.
No, she was like the grandma to everybody.
So basically they killed my grandma.
(23:01):
Among others.
I mean, she was a little dwarf lady,
but a little King Coug dwarf.
They could be related, you never know.
You're really lingering on the Julia bit here.
She made me cookies one year for holiday.
They're going to be cookies, butterscotch cookies.
She's the one that I got the original sauce recipe from.
(23:23):
I thought that was well, she gave it to you.
She gave it to the McGriddle.
OK, put it on his.
OK, you didn't make me.
Great. I had a little peppery in it.
He added that Julie didn't have that either or either or.
Look at him go.
He spent all this time mourning.
No.
So I went to the graveyard to see this in action and I met a couple local.
(23:49):
What was your word for him?
Scroungers, right?
Groungers met a couple scroungers.
Again, these are the the kind of the low life to the city.
The ones that are going into the dirty work for you.
Well, these guys were not necessarily.
I don't feel like these ones are necessarily to evil people,
but they're just doing what they had to do to get by twitching mungus.
Were their names names?
They were at the north. We were at the north.
(24:10):
I was guarding in cemetery, digging up bones.
I convinced them I was, you know, there to help them, whatever.
Ended up fighting a big old ghost that came and.
Yeah, basically had to fight that thing, save it, save their lives.
It was like sucking out their soul, like going in just it was like
sucking out everything inside them.
(24:30):
I say their lives and and so yeah, this is happening all over the city.
We need to I think we need to figure out who's, you know,
digging up these bones and what they're using them for.
And this should be our this should be our main goal right now.
Why? They're killing old ladies all over the city.
Didn't you hear them, Ian?
(24:51):
I think I'll just for blank space.
If they figured out where we were, I mean, we were hidden pretty darn well.
If they figured out where we were and why they're going out dressed,
it's only matter of time till they come after me till they come after
everybody in this town in Mediumville, till they come after the police department.
And all the higher up authorities.
These people are planning something and we need to stop them.
(25:13):
Did you tell the police?
Well, they by now they know.
That happened because the security guards are I I dipped before the security guards
were were there because I obviously me around a lot of dead people.
Julia, you know, bloody mess, Julia, you know, dead stomped on on the floor,
lit on fire. No, I just you laugh, you laugh.
(25:37):
You people laugh, you laugh, but it was lit on fire and there's blood everywhere.
Look, it's a great time.
Ten minutes later, we'll just be doing something completely different.
I feel like the Julia, she was stomped on and spit on and they
think they're a little FOILUS stress taken by earthworms.
(25:57):
They skinned her alive.
They threw up against the like grabbed her by her ankles and just started
smacking her against the wall.
They broke every bone in her body.
One of all these details when you didn't see it happen, you're like, I checked for spit.
She was an isolated, OK?
You know, I think this should be our main objective, guys.
This would mean a lot to me if you guys are helping out with this.
(26:19):
But what's in it for us?
Water, clothes, money.
And it could be where we're there are a illicit activities.
Here's a deal, though.
Drug, here's the deal.
What's in it for you?
You know, we want to make this money to get out of here, right?
Yeah. That won't happen if we don't go stop.
Roger Eradicus, Roger Eradicus.
(26:41):
Yep. Hang on, let me retry that.
This Christian, Roger Eradicus.
Figure it out. Oh, crap.
That was a puzzle.
That was going to be how you open the door.
Anyway, you know, Eradicus, we won't be able to do any business here.
We won't be able to walk the streets if we don't figure out what the Legionnaires are up to here.
(27:02):
You're not going to be able to make any money.
Legionnaires are bad people.
Seems like you're jumping to conclusions here.
It seems like on a worse case.
Who lives here? Who doesn't?
That's a good point.
And I'm part of this Eradicus.
What? You did?
Yeah, he pays in euphoria, so I've heard.
Also, I mean, he must if he's corner in the drug market,
(27:23):
we're not going to be able to make much headway if he's got the market.
All to himself.
Wait, you guys are selling euphoria?
We are? No, spinach.
No, I want to get some euphoria.
Oh, you know, that's illegal, right?
Wait, is it different?
I pull up some spinach I got off of the.
No, because spinach is burst.
(27:46):
Spinach, what they started calling burst.
Yeah, they're different.
Yes, so they are different.
Yes, it's literally like opposite, right?
Like euphoria is like this.
Euphoria is the downer breaches the up.
Exactly. That's how I got this off of
Bartunas's body.
This is this euphoria.
You you would probably recognize it
because you've probably done some drunk stings in the past.
(28:07):
This is definitely burst.
That's burst. That's not euphoria.
It's very illegal, though.
Yeah, you should get rid of that.
This immediately positive.
It isn't.
Well, I got plans for it.
Oh, you get caught with that.
That's 10 years in a slamer.
Nice.
Well, luckily, I got connections with the judge.
(28:28):
Frills, his his skirt a little.
And I know some good lawyers.
You the war.
We need to figure out how to stop radicals.
How about we just go over to that
dog place of you said and just kill the guy?
Yeah, where do we find this guy?
I already told you.
I wasn't clear on who these legionnaires are.
(28:49):
Are they police?
Are they gang members?
I'll tell you exactly who they are.
Amidst the technological development and rise of constructs
and other robotic features,
came with it in organization that refers to itself as the legionnaires.
Although many simply refer to them as steamers.
(29:10):
I know very little about the group, who they are and what they do.
And I just know they reside in the Wakanda district
and believe that they themselves can attain eternal life
by making themselves into some sort of construct.
We've already had dealt with constructs early in this.
I saw an individual one time with the armor placed by a robotic ligament
(29:32):
and it started with me greatly.
Also, it's important to know, and we mentioned this on your episode,
the legionnaires was actually the group that you were you and McGriddle
were trying to infiltrate when you were forced to kill McGriddle.
To kill McGriddle.
Exactly. I killed him.
I had to.
And you have you told us this before?
(29:53):
Yes.
Just spit on him and burn him.
No, scalpel.
That's what the legionnaires did to Julia.
Poor Julia.
That's what he wanted.
Poor Julia.
They put her on a board and cracked her back
and then they cut her in half and then they lit her on fire.
The first part kind of sounded not too unpleasant, honestly.
I know, no, like one of those boards that in the
(30:14):
like, like they did like a like the exercise.
I was thinking the same thing where it's like, y'all, they put you on a table.
They made you feel so good.
Then I killed her.
They hung her by her toes from a 10 foot ceiling, cut the rope and dropped her.
A cooler.
They told her a bunch of corny jokes and made her listen to them all.
(30:36):
And if she laughed, she was punished.
She didn't laugh.
So they punished her more.
They forced her to watch the Avatar, the last airbender live action movie
followed immediately by the Aragon live action movie.
It was torture. It was horrible.
He's in here at midnight.
Yeah, by now. Yeah.
(30:57):
Well, the way the longer you wait, the great death.
We need to do that belt thing before midnight.
Oh, what says about keep talking about?
Yeah, he's got this giant belt on him.
Almost looks like a well for you.
It almost looks like a wrestling belt.
I look like a wrestling bow.
Oh, yeah, we wrestled.
Oh, really?
You want to your champion?
(31:19):
Des Razel's money.
Reference.
When he got the belt is from the Coliseum.
I don't remember this.
You remember that it was the one that they said you have three days
otherwise this will just knock you out.
That went through a lot in the last.
Yeah, that's very.
Three days.
Julia died.
And you know what they did to Julia?
They they took they took Julia.
They took Julia dipped her in hot oil and then they keep.
(31:44):
Hard and better, Julia ran her through the street.
I dropped they brought a Baron.
And they dipped her in honey and brought a Baron hands in the air behind the head.
Oh, the rest for ready for Des to do his thing.
Do your thing, Des.
Yeah, does do your thing.
(32:05):
OK, I'm ready.
Des first removes his own.
All right, Des will point his belt wand.
Shoot, what did we decide was heads was
we could read to say it is even odd.
(32:25):
Yeah. OK.
I'll point I'll point that belt at you and activate it.
Evens. What big evens big.
Lucen.
I'd say he heightened.
OK, we got a fifty finish.
I know.
To six.
OK, you feel the bell start to loosen around you as it sort of grows.
(32:49):
It's still kind of like hangs there on your body like on solos.
I'm gonna I'm gonna shove it down a little wiggling.
So way to see as I can see for vacating the bell. Yes.
Why are you saying that cryptically? Yes.
It just it's off me now. Yes.
All right. Now I scoop it up with the wand to do it.
Do a little spin with it.
And it disappears.
(33:10):
And as it spins, you see one end of it kind of like enter into the wand.
And then as the rest of it follows, it just disappears behind it.
As the wand eat.
Sorry, I stick my hand out like shape does it.
Well, so you're not the champion no more.
Oh, no, I pick up the WWE belt and put it back on.
Good. Good deal.
We're going to need that kind of attitude against the Legionnaires.
(33:32):
You know what they did to Julia?
I didn't want to specify it was not the WWE belt.
It was the Good Iron Belt.
What does level in that? Why do we need to level up?
You're so adamant.
I so I think we should level up as much as possible to take on the Legionnaires.
Legionnaires are a tough group.
I was infiltrated.
I killed McGriddle to learn more about them.
(33:54):
And it got me nowhere.
They're a tight knit group to fight them.
We're going to need to the Jordy level.
I have. Oh, I gain some abilities.
Any level of a gain some abilities.
That's but what we you guys should go and play some games
with Jar Jim and level up because you're going to need to fight these guys.
I have no qualms of that.
(34:15):
Sure.
Our ass. We're going to level up, I guess.
Now, just before we jump into this, you did ask a question in the rock.
It'd be midnight. So it's a new day.
I mean, technically, the rock is sitting there.
I shake it. What?
Who's that? Yeah, we got we want to.
We want to level up.
Is this one level of who is this?
It's the feather.
(34:37):
Little sauce. Oh, little sauce.
Oh, that's the old look you got with the rest of the game.
Hey, everybody.
Yeah, we will play.
So you want to play some games?
Who's your buddy, robot?
Oh, yeah, Benji's ready to play some games.
Come on over.
We got we got some people to play games of Benji.
Sounds great.
And all of a sudden.
You guys suddenly find yourselves amidst
(35:00):
Jar Jim's exciting level up arcade.
Yeah.
Well, come back, everyone, to my wonderful arcade.
(35:22):
You guys all probably remember how all of this works.
But what you probably don't remember is my good friend, Benji,
and outsteps this concept.
He's very literally just like a robot dude.
And he says, how nice to meet you all.
You been practicing, Benji, since last time?
I have played more air hockey in the last few hours
(35:44):
than I have in my entire program sentience.
You made it.
Robot, just play air hockey.
Oh, no, he plays all sorts of games.
If anything in here is competitive and requires two players, Benji,
I have put my full faith in Benji to compete fairly against you.
So the token and Benji come with me.
(36:08):
Where? Down on the planet.
Absolutely not new stuff with us.
Benji's Benji is a hardcore addict.
So anyway, back to the discussion about tokens.
We've got to purchase tokens to play the games.
What kind of tokens could I interest you in?
Large tokens, small tokens.
(36:29):
All those tokens will work at this level of arcade.
But prizes will be different.
And the tickets you receive will be different as well.
I want four large tokens.
Four large tokens. That's two.
How's it got?
The prize winnings from our cage match.
(36:49):
You want me to just spot everyone?
I don't care how you spend it.
As long as the money goes in, you just I'm going to slap down
five thousand gold pieces for ten large tokens.
Big spend.
And you start to feed the machine with the coins,
and it just starts to suck the coins in faster and faster.
And then it just started.
(37:09):
You just see it start furiously popping out your tokens, your large,
your ten large tokens.
See, that's that's what you have now.
You have ten large tokens.
I will disperse them amongst the four of us.
I can add in another thousand, so it's two more.
So it's 12.
12. Yeah, I already have three.
All right, there we go.
(37:31):
Everybody's got three tokens.
How much are large tokens?
500 gold pieces.
Anybody want to lend me like three hundred and ninety eight
dollars gold pieces?
Rarke is at least standing up the wheel of mystery.
Hey, the.
Here's the rest.
Was it three ninety eight?
What a.
You're a. Focke or Keto will send you three ninety eight and give me a spin.
(37:54):
Twenty nine.
Twenty nine.
You got a twenty nine spinning the wheel.
They go real fast.
Yeah, it goes really fast and eventually after three minutes,
it slows down and finally stops on.
(38:16):
Plus one any level in a thing pops out
and you have a ticket that says plus one any level.
You can choose any class and gain one level in that class.
Do I have to choose right now?
I suppose not.
I'll spend it before I leave.
OK, sounds good.
I'm not done. OK, I go over to dance off.
(38:40):
I stretch the hands.
I stretch the hammies. Yep.
And I prep to dance and I select.
Um, what level of difficulty?
What song I'm selecting hard and I'm selecting the song.
Cha cha cha cha. Oh, OK.
Sounds good.
Do the hustle.
As you're pushing these buttons,
(39:02):
Ben, she steps up and takes the section.
He's going down to the hustle.
OK, what did you get? 21 is that performance?
Yeah. OK, nice.
OK, 21 to be fair, Ben, she did really well as well.
He on that's a great show.
Yeah, he did. He had a solid 19.
(39:25):
Oh, it was a close.
It was a close. So you got what? 21.
Yeah. All right.
As you are dancing away and the score comes up and it says new high score
and machine kind of worse a little bit.
Then it pops out a small token.
You receive a plus one in Bard.
(39:47):
All right. And then you have one token left.
I know I'm going kung fu fighting.
OK, dance.
Oh, you're doing the kung fu fighting song.
Yes. OK. All right.
Sounds good. Get ready to get ready.
Chop. Benji.
Is that quite as good at kung fu fighting,
but he's business solid 16.
(40:08):
20. Oh, OK.
Yeah, it's pretty solid too.
What's up?
What's up?
Beg your bubble in monk two. Am I right?
Well, no, it's a plus one Bard bubble.
So good.
Well, you get another level, but in Bard still.
OK, to in Bard.
That's how the game works.
This is perfect.
All right. And then you also what was that last role you guys?
(40:29):
28, 21 and 29 if you want my three.
All right. So then at the end of that,
you come out with 6,350 tickets.
All right, I'm done.
Thank for me to peruse the actually, please.
Actually, no, could I bite one more large token?
I suppose.
And I'm going over to one last machine.
(40:50):
OK, OK. I want to play bowling.
Just it's just straight up bowling, but I'm on a ball.
All right. You got a nice.
You got the alley. You got the bowling ball.
Go for it. Roach.
And bowling ball, the bowling ball.
One.
No. Good.
It's not even a gutter ball.
It's a gutter ball that bounces into things.
(41:12):
It rolls back.
He hits five.
Well, that doesn't even hit the other people's stuff.
OK, so first of all, you only get 10 tickets from that.
It's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah. I also you get one of your hit die.
You can roll it and add that to your Max HP.
(41:32):
Oh, I can choose.
Well, I do.
You're dead.
Oh, I guess you technically do.
But yeah, I suppose.
I mean, it's either like what, a D6 or a D8, you're 10.
I have something weird.
Oh, I decent.
Oh, because of my flight of flight as well.
Oh, man. Is it a wine?
So what?
That was a brutal game for you.
Hey, you know what?
You did really well with the other stuff.
I'd say, you know, at all kind of pants.
(41:52):
Here I game, Dola.
Yeah, I was going to say, I have levels which comes with.
I mean, levels.
Did you gain to my levels?
Come in the help ups, too.
Yeah, technically.
I know with that that three levels.
Yeah, so that's about it.
Holy cow. Yeah.
All right, I'll do my leveling up.
Yeah, yeah.
At the very least, I'd say for right now,
look up your if you wanted to spend tickets.
(42:13):
Jackson, Des would like to spin the mystery wheel three times.
Just spending a minute.
That's the way to go.
George, him says, ah, yes, it's my favorite game.
It's a gamble every time.
Life's better when you're gambling.
Yuck, yuck.
So you can roll on any skill that you want.
OK, I'm going to roll in strength.
(42:37):
Add my modifier to that.
Yeah, that's a 1717.
All right, you pull that wheel down and it slows to a class feature.
What are you? You're a ranger.
I range you.
Oh, you gain a favorite enemy.
(42:59):
Oh, OK.
And all the benefits that come with that.
OK, do it again.
Nice.
Yeah.
That's an 11.
All right.
Our as good as last time.
That's right.
With an 11, you gain a plus one to one of your ability scores.
(43:20):
Any ability.
Any ability score.
All right.
I'm going to get one in charisma.
OK, last time.
Last spin, the final spin.
That's a 15.
15.
You get another plus one to an ability score.
All right.
(43:41):
That's going into plus two total.
That'll get you a whole extra to your to your rolls on that.
That's nice.
And then to top it off, you also receive 1700 tickets.
Holy cow.
One thousand seven hundred.
Let's go.
One thousand seven hundred.
All right.
Quinn, you have one token, right?
Or did you have one token?
(44:01):
You have one token.
What are you going to spend it on?
You only got one shot.
That's all I'm going to say about that.
So I can I'll do the ring toss game this time.
Toss. OK.
The one ring toss.
Those are my only options.
I'm the hockey, right?
I think so. Yeah.
I mean, if you're going for wizard, then yes.
All right.
So you walk up to the ring toss toss the evil magical ring over the mountains of
(44:23):
Rodrom to ensure their destruction and earn tickets.
Rodrom is a bad place.
It's a dark place.
It's fiery.
You can roll Arkana history or medicine.
It's up to you.
Obviously, I would recommend whichever one is higher.
Taking a plus five, 18, 18.
All right.
Firstly, just because I have it up, you have 800 tickets from this that you gain.
(44:46):
And then with an 18, you gain a plus one to your proficiency bonus.
So that's the number up top that says I think yours is probably plus two right now.
That becomes a plus three.
And that's going to affect all those skills and your attacks and everything else.
Fatty. Yes.
You have three tokens, sir.
Fatty is going to spend his tokens.
(45:07):
He scans the arcade and sees the shiny barbarian machine.
He's going to up that violent factor.
You've got two machines to choose from when it comes to barbarian.
There's the hammer slammer or the whack a troll.
I could not tell the difference between them other than the picture.
The the main difference is just like there's the feats that are possible to get out of it,
which I know last time that you did this, I think you got I had almost all the feet.
(45:31):
Yes.
So that's kind of why I'm moving into the barbarian thing,
because I think I've depleted all the feats available to buy games.
Yes. OK.
So yeah, it's really just the difference between which feats that you might get
other than that, everything else is pretty much the same.
OK. Yeah, we're just going to do the whack.
The whack a troll, the whack a troll.
You hold onto those troll heads and hop in and out.
(45:54):
You're trying to whack Adam as it goes.
And I roll at the lad.
It's a.
Yeah.
Twenty three.
Twenty three.
Holy cow. All right.
You gain one in the barbarian level.
And now I'll put in the second token.
You got it.
The twenty four.
You four. Another plus one to your barbarian level.
(46:14):
Come on.
Twenty two.
Me too.
And another plus one to your barbarian level,
as if I needed to make you stronger.
You got four thousand fifty tickets out of all of that.
I'm, of course, three levels in barbarian.
OK. It was wild.
That's yeah, that's three level ups.
Jeez, I'm going to have to make everything stronger.
(46:37):
Wait, is this done?
Right. Yes, I'm done.
Dave, what would you like to invest in?
I got three tokens, three whole token, three barge tokens.
Let's try this.
Source her scheme all.
Try and sink your fireballs into the holes
at the end of the ramp.
All right.
And you're rolling with Arkano.
(46:58):
All right.
So with the nine, you're going to get 300 tickets.
And then you will receive a small prize.
That is one of the feats.
One of the feats that are available.
So the bell si-ma-per is the feed that you receive.
Oh, I can do I can do better.
I'll try again.
(47:18):
It slipped and it's still 24.
Twenty four.
That is going to be a plus one sorcery level.
All right.
Just flow me under 24.
And then you're going to get 1500 tickets.
All right, Dave, you've got one last token.
I'm going to go with S-L-A-S-I-N-S-A-M-A-R-I-S-L-A-S-I-N-S-A-M-A-R-I-I.
(47:42):
Take your sword in hand and slice through the incoming fruits and vegetables
in order to rank up more tickets.
Are you going to roll with athletics or acrobatics?
Acrobatics.
All right.
I'm so you want 21.
That's a one fighter level for you there.
(48:05):
And 21 is one thousand one hundred additional tickets.
All right.
And with that, everybody has spent their tokens.
Is there any purchases anyone would like to make with their tickets?
I have a question.
OK.
Does it have to be exactly gold that I could pay for like tokens?
(48:29):
Or can I pay like in like gemstones?
I have.
Well, you would probably just for the purposes of reasonable value,
I would say sell the gemstones in Ilanuas and then procure the gold pieces from that.
And then you could bring them to me.
(48:50):
What if it's a gold bar?
I've played a giant gold bar.
He he he walks you over to the machine and he says,
as you can see, there's a slot in the machine.
It's really only made for for coins.
Oh, I can't get.
Look, see this and he pulls out.
Can you make a machine that will turn Michael bar into gold going?
(49:13):
I didn't even design this one.
I'd have to go ask to my guy that made it and have him make a whole different machine.
And to be honest with you, I don't really talk to that guy that much anymore.
I owe keto tickets.
But I don't remember how much I borrowed some from you last time.
Tickets or money tickets?
Because I really wanted to buy that goat figurine.
I don't know how many luck stones can I buy?
(49:34):
I think it's one of those where it's like only one can be acted.
I was just going to keep buying luck stuff.
Yeah, that's very I don't think there's anything I really want.
Well, there's a cool bow.
I don't know. I'm an upgraded bow.
A magic bow sounds sick, actually.
Can I get a magic bow?
Oh, any particular bow?
Um, do you have any special bottles?
We've got plenty of special bows.
(49:55):
Are you kidding me?
We have.
Oh, that's a boomerang.
That's a sword.
Yeah. Oh, here we go.
We've got the oath bow.
We've got
that's a mace.
That's another boomerang.
We got long swords.
(50:16):
Huh. I want the oath bow.
Oh, well, of course, I can enchant a bow that you already have.
Can you enchant the oath bow?
If not, I'll just take the oath.
I suppose I could enchant the oath bow.
Like make it a plus one, plus two or something like that.
I can only afford a plus one, but yeah, plus one, the oath bow.
(50:37):
All right.
Oh, so that's three thousand five hundred for the oath bow.
Question, could I enchant an enchanted weapon later on?
Yeah, like if I wanted to put another plus one, enchant.
Make it a plus two. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure I could figure that out.
It would be you pay the differing.
Plus two costs four thousand.
Right. You pay the difference.
Oh, great.
(50:57):
Oh, I can pay three thousand to go up.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Yeah.
I want a plus one, which is a thousand tickets and then the oath,
both three thousand five so four thousand five hundred.
And I'm going to give the rest to Keto because I owe him tickets.
He's surprisingly good at math.
I've got this calculator.
He's got right next to the counter for a pick you see.
It's true.
And I'm doing the math for him on the calculator.
(51:20):
Have we seen your goat?
Yeah, once.
You want to see her again?
The road he squeezed.
It's an infinite go.
OK, yeah, I just have to pay money to bring her back again.
But yeah, it's fine.
She'll she'll play with Benji.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No boats in the arcade.
OK, well, I'll take my bow and be happy.
Good. Anyone else wish to purchase anything
(51:43):
from my wonderful bunch of goods?
I would. I'd like to purchase a sovereign glue jar.
This is one of those items that I'm so scared.
I'm so scared on what you're going to use it on.
So yes, sovereign glue, one ounce jar.
It is 400 tickets for those that are interested
(52:06):
in what the sovereign glue is.
It's it's essentially permanent glue that can stick to things the other.
And there are very few ways that a person can remove them.
Have we purchased this before?
I feel like that's the only before talked about.
OK, for those that were interested about the oath bow.
So with the oath bow, you choose a sworn enemy.
You have vantage when you're trying to shoot them.
(52:28):
They gain no benefit for any kind of cover, except total cover.
So unless they're completely hidden from you, you can shoot them no matter what.
That arrow is going to head towards them, kind of like yandu, you know, sort of.
Yeah. No disadvantage on long distance shots.
You get plus 3D, six piercing damage against them if you manage to hit.
And the only downside is that you have disadvantage with all other enemies.
(52:52):
Using the oath bow while the sworn enemy is alive, which means I just have this
advantage shooting them, right? Yes.
Yep. That's what I thought.
And just to clarify here, I think it's one of those things that you don't just
switch your your sworn enemy once it's chosen.
It's chosen until that sworn enemy is dead.
It works like Hunter's Mark.
Yeah, kind of like Hunter's Mark.
Yeah. And is it a bonus action that I started like Hunter remark?
(53:14):
Yeah, I'd say so.
Because always the Hunter's Mark.
You just say here.
Yeah, it's true.
It's not specified.
But yeah, and then if I killed someone, would I be allowed to move it without
using a bonus action?
I would have to.
I think it would still take the bonus action.
Yeah. I would also like two dusts of dryness.
Hell, it's all right.
Sounds good.
So that's a 240 total for for both of those.
(53:37):
The pellet absorbs 15 cubic feet of water and can be broken to release the water later.
Can be used against water elementals as well to just basically the water elemental.
That'll be another interesting one.
I'm intrigued to see how you these are those like obscure items that I was
excited to add in here and just really curious how people would inevitably use them.
(54:00):
So this will be this will be intrigued and I'll save the rest of my take.
All right.
He's a good.
So Maki's good.
Rorick is good.
Des or Keto either of you two or or those some good.
You're good. OK.
I don't think I'm going to spend my tickets today.
Yeah. OK. I think Keto is going to say I'm going to run you there.
Wow. All right.
(54:20):
You guys are going to get something big later on down the road.
All right.
Well, again, always fun to have you guys here at the on key.
I hope you guys had a lot of fun and what back you go.
And with that, you guys return to mediumville Island, new miss.
(54:43):
And with that, we'll end tonight's episode.
Thank you so much for listening to criminals of Island, new miss.
A Dungeons and Dragons, fifth edition actual play podcast set in a homebrew
world created by me, Skyler Gorsett.
If you've been enjoying our show so far, be sure to like, follow and subscribe,
wherever it is that you're streaming from, whether that be Spotify,
Apple Podcasts, YouTube or anywhere else that podcasts can be streamed.
(55:04):
Or just check us out on our website, SessionZeroHeroes.com.
Additionally, if you enjoy coin, you might enjoy some of Session Zero Heroes
other shows such as our benders and bruise and Avatar Legends actual play
where we jump into the world of Avatar, the last airbender and legend,
Akora using the Avatar Legends system created by Magpie Games.
Or one of our various one shots, which we are currently coming out with,
(55:26):
where we use a variety of games and TTRBG systems to tell a variety of fun,
exciting, emotional and hilarious stories within our group.
We have all sorts of other content that we highly recommend checking out
within the SZH channel and more to come in the future to find out more
about what we do at Session Zero Heroes and to keep up with a lot
of the other content we produce and be made aware of future projects, shows
(55:50):
and content. Be sure to follow us on social media, on Facebook,
X, Instagram and Discord.
These are all great ways to get in contact with our team as well as to keep up
to date with everything that we're creating and working on.
We'd love to see you there.
In the meantime, thank you so much for listening.
And don't forget to stay curious, stay heroic until we roll again.
(56:10):
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
(56:31):
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[BLANK_AUDIO]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello, weary traveler.
I'm not sure what strange magic must have brought you here,
but you have stepped into a realm of my creation,
a sprawling city filled with danger and glory,
(00:22):
and most importantly, lots of gold.
I call it, Ilanumis.
Who am I?
You might ask.
The name is Jarjim, and I'm the patron deity of gambling.
Long story short, this group of idiots,
or as you may call them, heroes, made a bet with me
that they had when it took to make a mass trove of gold,
(00:44):
but left some of the key details blank.
So I filled them in myself.
I sent them to this pocket dimension,
into the city I had created with brand new bodies
they have to attune to.
Can these fools pass my test, or will they
be trapped here forever?
So experience my world of trials and tribulations,
(01:07):
and join alongside this posse of pitiful people,
or as I like to call them, the criminals of Ilanumis.
Welcome back, everybody, to another episode
of the criminals of Ilanumis.
I snuck it in past you guys.
You guys were drunk, prepared.
A Whitney today-- well, first of all, hi.
I'm Skylar.
Here, I am the host and Game Master, Dungeon Master,
(01:29):
whatever you want to call it.
Again, we not really run into any dungeons,
so I feel bad taking the title of Dungeon Master.
The Game Master, I can accept.
But aside from me, that's enough about me.
Let's talk about the players we got here today.
To my right, we got Dave.
Dave is playing Maki.
Yes, play Maki.
His mind is some kind like a dungeon.
So there are dungeons in here.
(01:50):
Cold, clanny, filled with cobwebs.
The inner workings of my mind are an enigma.
That's a mystery.
Maki's the shadow bird guy.
Shadow bird guy.
Our beloved shadow bird guy.
Fantastic.
Next to him, we got Fatty Lumpkins, who is playing--
(02:10):
are you feeling-- am I feeling in the blanks?
Or are you--
I want him to do it.
For getting-- he's getting there.
Go get there.
Keto.
Yeah.
I'm Keto.
And I'm a lizard.
I'm a fighting lizard.
What other additives do you think he'll add?
Clanting before he gets stronger.
(02:30):
He might also be the inner workings of his mind.
Are you thinking--
All right, we can't all have enigmas.
That's OK.
Oh, no, we're like split person.
How are we--
This is like speaking of split personalities.
Keto is an echo knight.
Ah, that's-- oh, that was clever.
That was good.
That was good.
Awesome.
(02:50):
Well, fantastic.
Well, we'll see how he echoes his way
through the incoming challenges.
Next to Fatty, we've got Quinn.
Yeah, a little sauce.
Yes.
I'll let you say it.
Yeah, a little sauce.
Going through a lot right now.
Yeah.
We'll see what it says.
This is interesting.
Big old bag of emotional--
(03:11):
Only person native to this world.
The inner workings of his emotions are an enigma.
He might, you know, go save the world.
He might start an emo rock band.
You never know.
Yo, hey, that'd be dope.
Next to Quinn, we kind of across the table from Quinn.
We've got Jackson, who's playing Diaz.
(03:31):
This is an audio podcast.
I don't believe that the orientation of the table
would matter.
But I'm Jack.
I play Dez.
The fun fact about Dez is the color yellow kind of makes
him go feral and angry in his mind.
Hates it.
Absolutely hates it.
Yeah, but I'm--
Has anything been described as yellow?
I do not believe so.
(03:52):
OK, well, I might keep that in mind.
Next time I want Dez to just lose it,
or you like everything around you is buster.
You find yourself in a yellow rubber room with a straight
jack.
Rory has been one of the proudest new banana toss.
Being a witch, you guys are always looking for gold.
(04:13):
And I feel like I keep--
Jurchin Keeds tell you there's always gold in the banana stains.
Always gold.
Always gold.
Tell me about that.
And then last but not least, giggling over here
about the banana stain, we have Cameron,
who's playing Roryek.
Hi.
Yeah, Cameron.
OK.
Playing Roryek.
And I prefer Chordily.
Chordily.
(04:33):
[LAUGHTER]
Chordily?
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
There should be a ranking of how you evolve as a douchey lad.
It's from a hearty chuckle to a chore for them.
The guffaw hurts evil longer.
It goes like, uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
(04:54):
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
And then you just maniacal laugh.
What the-- no.
Maniacal laugh.
Awesome.
That's everybody.
And with that, we'll jump into a brand new episode
of "Criminals of Island Oomens."
[MUSIC PLAYING]
All right.
(05:16):
So where we last left on?
We had two separate stories going on.
We had everybody except Lil Sauce,
who were out chasing monsters.
You guys had defeated the mitosisaurus before,
and then went on to take on the leader, or at least the recent
re-leader, for lack of better terms, of the beast's gang,
(05:41):
King Fortunus.
That's right.
And you guys were able to defeat and kill him.
So very impressive.
Well done all around.
Yeah, absolutely.
He was supposed to be a hard boss.
And that is not how I would say it felt.
But that's OK.
That's just played by an idiot.
Oh, oh gosh.
(06:02):
Brutal burn.
Brutal burn.
He's not here.
That's true.
Or else he would do nothing.
Yeah, that's probably true.
With that being said, on the other side of the story arc,
we had Lil Sauce off on his own,
trying to find out what happened to his ex-job organization,
blank space, this group of secret police
(06:23):
that he used to be a part of, and only recently quit,
and was asked to come back over by the chief,
only to discover that the entire police had been
blown to smithereens.
And everybody inside was dead, leaving him,
technically, the remaining agent to ever have
been a part of blank space here in Island Nubis.
And I think today we'll find out, or at least the rest of you
(06:45):
guys, we'll find out where that went and how that went.
But for now, you just finished up with King Fortunes.
You guys are-- I mean, you're technically still at the beast's
high out unless you want to kind of be done with that.
That's up to you.
The LA BC.
Yeah, the call.
And last friend, and Dave's idol,
knew the bearish shadow caster.
(07:06):
Yeah, Sark Lord shadow caster.
Almost out of--
Up into your new best friend, your first new best friend.
This is my second best friend.
Yeah, who was the first one again?
Gavin.
Ah, that's right.
Yeah, it's been a while.
Been a while.
Oh, yeah, for years.
Yeah.
He actually was-- he showed up to fill your space
for an episode.
And he wanted him to stay with us,
(07:26):
but for some reason he really had to go to his laundry.
He had to go to the laundry.
Dry cleaning.
You just--
Yeah.
All right, so you guys are standing there.
You want to get a hold of Varus shadow caster.
The only thing you have is his business card,
which he let you in.
What's this business card saying on that?
It says Varus shadow caster, resident advisor
(07:48):
at the School of Wizardry.
Des grabs the business card and just like throws it
on the ground.
It hits the ground, and it dents one corner,
and then it just kind of flops there.
Dead shrugs.
Oh, wait, I remember.
He said, I think he just said do some shadow stuff,
and he'd show up again.
(08:10):
Make shadow puppets.
[LAUGHTER]
Make a light with source.
Have your bullseye lantern.
I cast Darkness on the business card.
Hang on, all right.
So as you cast Darkness on the business card,
it expands out because it's like what, 20, 30 foot?
Radiant?
I think it's 30.
(08:31):
Wow, OK.
So it expands out 15 foot radius.
Oh, radius.
OK, so 15 foot radius around the business card.
It's kind of odd because everybody in the room
just flipped the lights back on, saw that King Fortunus is dead,
and then all of a sudden you snap your fingers,
and there's a huge just black darkness that surrounds all
of you, including King Fortunus, and creating a spout of darkness
(08:53):
that they can't see through, and everybody's like, whoa, whoa,
what's going on?
With that being said, all of a sudden, within the darkness,
you see a portion of it actually recede and get
suctioned into the card, and then poof.
You see various shadowcasters standing there
amongst sort of a clearing in the shadow, right over King
Fortunus.
(09:14):
And he says, ah, see, I knew you were a clever one that
would figure out how to use the card.
What can I do for you?
Have you gotten me some more goods?
Yeah, we got this guy right here.
King Fortunus, well, you are all quite capable, aren't you?
(09:36):
Interesting.
Well, well, well, well, what were you hoping for in terms
of compensation for me to remove this individual
from the premises for my purposes?
I think our going rate was about 5,000.
5,000 cool pieces?
I suppose that would be fair, given what I gave you before.
(09:58):
So yes, 5,000 gold pieces seems like a reasonable price.
And he takes a pouch out, and he lifts it,
and you see him actually use sort of a shadowy teleportation,
and you just see gold coins start to kind of fall out
of it into the sack.
And then once it's filled up, he holds it out to you guys.
(10:19):
Get a little grab it and pocket it.
Thanks, Beth.
Thanks, friend.
Of course.
And do let me know if you find any other interesting creatures
that might be of value to me.
You still have my card after all?
Yeah, and I can find it in this dart.
Oh, it'll be right below me.
And he takes a step back, and as he does,
(10:41):
he sort of just falls through the floor,
and you see that his card was right underneath him,
and there's like a shadow forming underneath of it,
and it sucks itself away and dissipates
as he disappears.
How does he do that?
Heat.
Wait, so he's gone now?
Yeah.
I can't believe that worked.
I thought a going rate was like 3,500.
(11:02):
We just made a profit.
Well, this was a higher level creature.
Oh, OK.
Hold on to this part.
You tried to scam the GM fan.
Do one.
All right, so you guys have a bench for a miner.
You guys just received another 5,000 gold pieces
from your strange and shadowy friend, Veresh Shadowcaster.
(11:22):
And technically, the darkness is going
to start re-filling itself as he disappears.
Man, I wonder if he teaches classes.
Maybe I could audit.
Yeah, I should level up.
You're going to need it.
Des writes on his little chalkboard, where to now?
(11:44):
We should probably--
do you think we're inside?
Let us finish the scene.
Do you think they'll let us keep the costumes?
And just as you say that, all of a sudden,
you hear the doors of the beast's headquarters slam open.
And you hear a loud voice, a female voice shout out,
(12:05):
oh, heard that king's heart.
Toon is his dad.
Oh, no, not that one.
This is probably the one chick.
Yes, I didn't write down her name.
I only have one name written, Shadowhack.
That's the other monster you have with.
Oh, let's go get her.
What does this lady have a name?
(12:26):
She does.
Do you know it?
The Queen.
Oh, there you go.
Oh, that must be the Queen.
We should probably get out of here.
Are you seeing the Owl out?
Yeah, sure.
Why not?
You hear, I am the Queen.
Who's saying?
Me.
I can't see anybody.
It's not that dark.
I say in pitch black.
This--
Did you cue King Fortunus?
(12:47):
Yeah.
Show it yourself.
I step a little to the right to step out of darkness.
You see this massive, hulking orc woman.
She's got a giant mace that's like in a scoured on her back.
She's got these-- she's got some pretty intense armor
on, huge shoulder pads.
A back scabbard?
What a loser.
(13:08):
Doesn't even know how arms work.
Dez steps out of the darkness offering a rude gesture,
specifically with his left hand.
Like a middle finger?
A rude gesture.
OK.
Keep this shaking.
What's his problem and who's he?
Well, I'm Rorik.
(13:28):
That's Dez.
Well, which one of you killed King Fortunus?
I was the group.
I was in the group fight.
Oh, it was--
I was the four of you one.
Spell the darkness.
I see.
So it's a group effort.
Well, that's normally not how we do things here in the beast,
(13:50):
but I can't complain because--
wait a minute.
Where is he?
King Fortunus.
He's-- he's Dez.
The line.
Did you disintegrate him?
Sure.
No, we didn't, because magic's not allowed.
That's right.
Yeah.
I was going to--
that was what was running through my mind.
No, we have a friend.
Yep, Dez is rubbing his stuff.
(14:15):
We have a friend who like me as a hungry apologize.
She pauses for a moment, and then she says, I respect it.
And she holds out her fist, twisty,
being a fist bump.
She says, wow, what a woman.
Behind her, you see--
behind her, you see there's a dwarf guy
(14:37):
with a big giant stone hammer.
He's like on her right side.
This is like her entourage, right?
She's got him on her right side, and then on her left side,
she has a Goliath.
And he's just this big hulking shirtless huge--
He's got-- he's got these--
He's got these giant legs.
He's got like 12 abs.
(14:59):
And he just-- he's just stone faced, right?
He's just stone faced.
He's got that thing where he's like balled all the way up
to the very top of his head, and then that hair
is just like really flowing.
He's got a big old beard.
And the dwarf dude, you only know he's a dwarf
because he has like woven features,
but he's surprisingly tall for a dwarf.
How big?
(15:19):
Come on.
Does he have big shoulder stew, Skylar?
No, no, no, he's got this huge--
It hangs down between his legs.
Massive kick.
He's also wearing what look like mahogany-colored like boot,
like fabric boots, like moccasins almost.
OK.
(15:40):
Yeah.
Can I say-- oh, when I see the dwarf,
can I say howdy-duty, brother and dwarf?
Yeah, I mean, you just tell me you do that.
You are.
OK, you do it.
Howdy-duty, brother.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
Yeah, obviously, he's streaky, dwarfish,
as he says that.
(16:00):
He says, [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
Best friend with a dwarf?
Well, his dwarfs do make good friends.
We're loyal.
I loyal to the queen.
Cool.
What a woman.
I--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
(16:21):
He bisbots.
Well, I have to say, you guys did me a big favor today.
So you're welcome any time back here at the grid out.
Can we keep the costumes?
Sure, I don't see why not.
And then she looks over at Maki and she's like,
what are you supposed to be?
Judge.
Judge.
(16:42):
Judge.
Judge.
Judge.
That's pretty clever, actually.
It'd be even funnier if you hit a guy
with a giant book or something.
You won't believe this.
No.
You're kidding.
Funny you should mention that.
So I pick up the book you duster.
Oh, now that's the right guy, dear, right?
(17:05):
Well, like I said, you guys are always
welcome back here at the Gridiron.
Consider yourselves members of the beasts.
Also, consider yourselves probably the smallest
members of the beasts.
We can bullcup.
Good.
That's what we do here.
It's the robes.
Ah, but you're hiding quite the package under there.
All right.
Do you guys have any other business here at the Gridiron,
(17:26):
or are you guys heading out?
No, sir.
Sir, all right.
So you guys, everybody gives you handshakes
as you guys kind of head out.
They're doing like the big lineup
that they do with basketball players or anything.
They're going to--
Yeah, exactly.
High fives all the way around.
Are they sharing judge's?
Yeah, but I'll--
Try it as far as the chant.
I think it's just a mix of shouting,
(17:47):
as everybody's chanting for whoever their favorite
from your grid.
Well, like more than the judge?
Yeah, it was a pretty--
I think everybody had a fan, you know?
Cool.
Even Dez, I mean, everybody--
Even--
[LAUGHTER]
Even some people like the bass player, you know?
The bass player?
(18:09):
I am a bass player, Cameron.
[LAUGHTER]
So now I'm offended that you think that bass players
are inadequate.
He hit it.
Bro, the Gridiron.
Oh, look at that.
And as you peel off into distance,
Elzegwe--
Oh, yeah.
Above the buildings and the houses and the roofs, tops,
(18:30):
the rooftops, you can see a beam of familiar light
glowing off in the distance.
Oh, they open a new casino.
[LAUGHTER]
And Dez writes on his little slate board, the rock dot,
dot, dot.
And he's looking up stoically at the light.
We can hear a little fan, water.
(18:51):
[SINGING]
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, like, just--
dude, if you guys could, like, put something on the rock
and then toss it off so it's a little symbol
and get the light buzz out like a bat signal,
only we can see it.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, you're on the road to the--
man, I'm just the GM away at the corner with the great ideas
(19:11):
for you guys.
You're welcome.
If the rock's glowing and it wasn't before,
then who's driving the buzz?
Well, whatever the case, you guys
spend a decent chunk of the day.
It's about late afternoon by the time
that you follow this to a familiar area in the Minionville
District where you guys find Little Sauce's house.
(19:33):
And that's where the light seems to be stemming from.
Oh, perfectly.
Can take a nice night's rest.
And that's a good question.
Is the light coming from inside the house
or do we find the rock in front of the house?
Yeah, it is like because you're seeing through the house.
This creates a lot of questions regarding the symbol
put onto the rock.
(19:53):
Oh, shit.
If it is not a shadow--
Sure, a shadow.
Yeah.
Dang.
And it died as fast as it began.
Bummer.
Maybe if you find the right material.
I have some physics questions regarding a fantasy world.
Shoot.
Man, I just ruined my own idea.
Darn.
Nothing's possible.
Like I said, maybe there's some material that the light
(20:16):
needs to pierce her.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
Anyways, let's go inside.
I was going to say, this is all--
you're all discussing this as you guys walk inside
and then out steps Little Sauce with Big Yarn.
Oh, you've made it back.
And you guys OK?
Never let her.
We're about 8,000 gold, OK?
(20:37):
Wow, that's pretty darn good.
You guys should level up.
Why?
I've got a lot to tell you about.
We have all night.
You going to do this at the arcade?
Or are you going to--
No, I--
You're going to tell them.
I mean, I guess I tell them every old story.
So all you guys-- you guys look a little bit beat up.
(20:58):
What were you doing?
Not going to say anything about our costumes.
That's OK, whatever.
It's a nice costume we got on.
Thanks.
I made it myself.
While you guys were out performing on Broadway,
I went to blank space.
I told you guys vaguely about this before.
(21:19):
I worked with them, secret policing agency.
Well, let's just say it no longer exists.
Somebody went in there and burned the whole place down,
killed everybody, lots of dead bodies.
I saw lots of deaths.
Blood everywhere.
Let me tell you.
Brought back some memories, bad ones.
So I went and I kind of, long story short,
(21:40):
found out that people behind this were the Legionnaires.
And I went and I talked to some of the city scum.
People I'd built up a relationship with
over the course of the years.
They kind of do the dirty work around the city.
And I kind of found out about the Grave Robbers
(22:00):
and what's going on.
It's connected to this.
People are going out and stealing bones,
looking specifically for magical bones.
They're taking them to a guy named Radicus.
He works dog security at the Elantis Night Shift.
So he's working night shift there.
And he's having all these people go and grab up these bones
(22:20):
for his pain, more for the magical bones.
And he is for the regular, but he's still
taking the regular bones.
And what he's doing with them, we're not sure.
But this is all my friends are dead.
All everybody that they killed Julia, 75 year old Julia,
slaughtered blood everywhere, picked apart.
(22:41):
Nothing left stomped on.
They killed her.
Oh, Julia, your girlfriend.
No, 75 year old girlfriend.
She was all the cougars.
No, she was like the grandma to everybody.
So basically they killed my grandma.
(23:01):
Among others.
I mean, she was a little dwarf lady,
but a little King Coug dwarf.
They could be related, you never know.
You're really lingering on the Julia bit here.
She made me cookies one year for holiday.
They're going to be cookies, butterscotch cookies.
She's the one that I got the original sauce recipe from.
(23:23):
I thought that was well, she gave it to you.
She gave it to the McGriddle.
OK, put it on his.
OK, you didn't make me.
Great. I had a little peppery in it.
He added that Julie didn't have that either or either or.
Look at him go.
He spent all this time mourning.
No.
So I went to the graveyard to see this in action and I met a couple local.
(23:49):
What was your word for him?
Scroungers, right?
Groungers met a couple scroungers.
Again, these are the the kind of the low life to the city.
The ones that are going into the dirty work for you.
Well, these guys were not necessarily.
I don't feel like these ones are necessarily to evil people,
but they're just doing what they had to do to get by twitching mungus.
Were their names names?
They were at the north. We were at the north.
(24:10):
I was guarding in cemetery, digging up bones.
I convinced them I was, you know, there to help them, whatever.
Ended up fighting a big old ghost that came and.
Yeah, basically had to fight that thing, save it, save their lives.
It was like sucking out their soul, like going in just it was like
sucking out everything inside them.
(24:30):
I say their lives and and so yeah, this is happening all over the city.
We need to I think we need to figure out who's, you know,
digging up these bones and what they're using them for.
And this should be our this should be our main goal right now.
Why? They're killing old ladies all over the city.
Didn't you hear them, Ian?
(24:51):
I think I'll just for blank space.
If they figured out where we were, I mean, we were hidden pretty darn well.
If they figured out where we were and why they're going out dressed,
it's only matter of time till they come after me till they come after
everybody in this town in Mediumville, till they come after the police department.
And all the higher up authorities.
These people are planning something and we need to stop them.
(25:13):
Did you tell the police?
Well, they by now they know.
That happened because the security guards are I I dipped before the security guards
were were there because I obviously me around a lot of dead people.
Julia, you know, bloody mess, Julia, you know, dead stomped on on the floor,
lit on fire. No, I just you laugh, you laugh.
(25:37):
You people laugh, you laugh, but it was lit on fire and there's blood everywhere.
Look, it's a great time.
Ten minutes later, we'll just be doing something completely different.
I feel like the Julia, she was stomped on and spit on and they
think they're a little FOILUS stress taken by earthworms.
(25:57):
They skinned her alive.
They threw up against the like grabbed her by her ankles and just started
smacking her against the wall.
They broke every bone in her body.
One of all these details when you didn't see it happen, you're like, I checked for spit.
She was an isolated, OK?
You know, I think this should be our main objective, guys.
This would mean a lot to me if you guys are helping out with this.
(26:19):
But what's in it for us?
Water, clothes, money.
And it could be where we're there are a illicit activities.
Here's a deal, though.
Drug, here's the deal.
What's in it for you?
You know, we want to make this money to get out of here, right?
Yeah. That won't happen if we don't go stop.
Roger Eradicus, Roger Eradicus.
(26:41):
Yep. Hang on, let me retry that.
This Christian, Roger Eradicus.
Figure it out. Oh, crap.
That was a puzzle.
That was going to be how you open the door.
Anyway, you know, Eradicus, we won't be able to do any business here.
We won't be able to walk the streets if we don't figure out what the Legionnaires are up to here.
(27:02):
You're not going to be able to make any money.
Legionnaires are bad people.
Seems like you're jumping to conclusions here.
It seems like on a worse case.
Who lives here? Who doesn't?
That's a good point.
And I'm part of this Eradicus.
What? You did?
Yeah, he pays in euphoria, so I've heard.
Also, I mean, he must if he's corner in the drug market,
(27:23):
we're not going to be able to make much headway if he's got the market.
All to himself.
Wait, you guys are selling euphoria?
We are? No, spinach.
No, I want to get some euphoria.
Oh, you know, that's illegal, right?
Wait, is it different?
I pull up some spinach I got off of the.
No, because spinach is burst.
(27:46):
Spinach, what they started calling burst.
Yeah, they're different.
Yes, so they are different.
Yes, it's literally like opposite, right?
Like euphoria is like this.
Euphoria is the downer breaches the up.
Exactly. That's how I got this off of
Bartunas's body.
This is this euphoria.
You you would probably recognize it
because you've probably done some drunk stings in the past.
(28:07):
This is definitely burst.
That's burst. That's not euphoria.
It's very illegal, though.
Yeah, you should get rid of that.
This immediately positive.
It isn't.
Well, I got plans for it.
Oh, you get caught with that.
That's 10 years in a slamer.
Nice.
Well, luckily, I got connections with the judge.
(28:28):
Frills, his his skirt a little.
And I know some good lawyers.
You the war.
We need to figure out how to stop radicals.
How about we just go over to that
dog place of you said and just kill the guy?
Yeah, where do we find this guy?
I already told you.
I wasn't clear on who these legionnaires are.
(28:49):
Are they police?
Are they gang members?
I'll tell you exactly who they are.
Amidst the technological development and rise of constructs
and other robotic features,
came with it in organization that refers to itself as the legionnaires.
Although many simply refer to them as steamers.
(29:10):
I know very little about the group, who they are and what they do.
And I just know they reside in the Wakanda district
and believe that they themselves can attain eternal life
by making themselves into some sort of construct.
We've already had dealt with constructs early in this.
I saw an individual one time with the armor placed by a robotic ligament
(29:32):
and it started with me greatly.
Also, it's important to know, and we mentioned this on your episode,
the legionnaires was actually the group that you were you and McGriddle
were trying to infiltrate when you were forced to kill McGriddle.
To kill McGriddle.
Exactly. I killed him.
I had to.
And you have you told us this before?
(29:53):
Yes.
Just spit on him and burn him.
No, scalpel.
That's what the legionnaires did to Julia.
Poor Julia.
That's what he wanted.
Poor Julia.
They put her on a board and cracked her back
and then they cut her in half and then they lit her on fire.
The first part kind of sounded not too unpleasant, honestly.
I know, no, like one of those boards that in the
(30:14):
like, like they did like a like the exercise.
I was thinking the same thing where it's like, y'all, they put you on a table.
They made you feel so good.
Then I killed her.
They hung her by her toes from a 10 foot ceiling, cut the rope and dropped her.
A cooler.
They told her a bunch of corny jokes and made her listen to them all.
(30:36):
And if she laughed, she was punished.
She didn't laugh.
So they punished her more.
They forced her to watch the Avatar, the last airbender live action movie
followed immediately by the Aragon live action movie.
It was torture. It was horrible.
He's in here at midnight.
Yeah, by now. Yeah.
(30:57):
Well, the way the longer you wait, the great death.
We need to do that belt thing before midnight.
Oh, what says about keep talking about?
Yeah, he's got this giant belt on him.
Almost looks like a well for you.
It almost looks like a wrestling belt.
I look like a wrestling bow.
Oh, yeah, we wrestled.
Oh, really?
You want to your champion?
(31:19):
Des Razel's money.
Reference.
When he got the belt is from the Coliseum.
I don't remember this.
You remember that it was the one that they said you have three days
otherwise this will just knock you out.
That went through a lot in the last.
Yeah, that's very.
Three days.
Julia died.
And you know what they did to Julia?
They they took they took Julia.
They took Julia dipped her in hot oil and then they keep.
(31:44):
Hard and better, Julia ran her through the street.
I dropped they brought a Baron.
And they dipped her in honey and brought a Baron hands in the air behind the head.
Oh, the rest for ready for Des to do his thing.
Do your thing, Des.
Yeah, does do your thing.
(32:05):
OK, I'm ready.
Des first removes his own.
All right, Des will point his belt wand.
Shoot, what did we decide was heads was
we could read to say it is even odd.
(32:25):
Yeah. OK.
I'll point I'll point that belt at you and activate it.
Evens. What big evens big.
Lucen.
I'd say he heightened.
OK, we got a fifty finish.
I know.
To six.
OK, you feel the bell start to loosen around you as it sort of grows.
(32:49):
It's still kind of like hangs there on your body like on solos.
I'm gonna I'm gonna shove it down a little wiggling.
So way to see as I can see for vacating the bell. Yes.
Why are you saying that cryptically? Yes.
It just it's off me now. Yes.
All right. Now I scoop it up with the wand to do it.
Do a little spin with it.
And it disappears.
(33:10):
And as it spins, you see one end of it kind of like enter into the wand.
And then as the rest of it follows, it just disappears behind it.
As the wand eat.
Sorry, I stick my hand out like shape does it.
Well, so you're not the champion no more.
Oh, no, I pick up the WWE belt and put it back on.
Good. Good deal.
We're going to need that kind of attitude against the Legionnaires.
(33:32):
You know what they did to Julia?
I didn't want to specify it was not the WWE belt.
It was the Good Iron Belt.
What does level in that? Why do we need to level up?
You're so adamant.
I so I think we should level up as much as possible to take on the Legionnaires.
Legionnaires are a tough group.
I was infiltrated.
I killed McGriddle to learn more about them.
(33:54):
And it got me nowhere.
They're a tight knit group to fight them.
We're going to need to the Jordy level.
I have. Oh, I gain some abilities.
Any level of a gain some abilities.
That's but what we you guys should go and play some games
with Jar Jim and level up because you're going to need to fight these guys.
I have no qualms of that.
(34:15):
Sure.
Our ass. We're going to level up, I guess.
Now, just before we jump into this, you did ask a question in the rock.
It'd be midnight. So it's a new day.
I mean, technically, the rock is sitting there.
I shake it. What?
Who's that? Yeah, we got we want to.
We want to level up.
Is this one level of who is this?
It's the feather.
(34:37):
Little sauce. Oh, little sauce.
Oh, that's the old look you got with the rest of the game.
Hey, everybody.
Yeah, we will play.
So you want to play some games?
Who's your buddy, robot?
Oh, yeah, Benji's ready to play some games.
Come on over.
We got we got some people to play games of Benji.
Sounds great.
And all of a sudden.
You guys suddenly find yourselves amidst
(35:00):
Jar Jim's exciting level up arcade.
Yeah.
Well, come back, everyone, to my wonderful arcade.
(35:22):
You guys all probably remember how all of this works.
But what you probably don't remember is my good friend, Benji,
and outsteps this concept.
He's very literally just like a robot dude.
And he says, how nice to meet you all.
You been practicing, Benji, since last time?
I have played more air hockey in the last few hours
(35:44):
than I have in my entire program sentience.
You made it.
Robot, just play air hockey.
Oh, no, he plays all sorts of games.
If anything in here is competitive and requires two players, Benji,
I have put my full faith in Benji to compete fairly against you.
So the token and Benji come with me.
(36:08):
Where? Down on the planet.
Absolutely not new stuff with us.
Benji's Benji is a hardcore addict.
So anyway, back to the discussion about tokens.
We've got to purchase tokens to play the games.
What kind of tokens could I interest you in?
Large tokens, small tokens.
(36:29):
All those tokens will work at this level of arcade.
But prizes will be different.
And the tickets you receive will be different as well.
I want four large tokens.
Four large tokens. That's two.
How's it got?
The prize winnings from our cage match.
(36:49):
You want me to just spot everyone?
I don't care how you spend it.
As long as the money goes in, you just I'm going to slap down
five thousand gold pieces for ten large tokens.
Big spend.
And you start to feed the machine with the coins,
and it just starts to suck the coins in faster and faster.
And then it just started.
(37:09):
You just see it start furiously popping out your tokens, your large,
your ten large tokens.
See, that's that's what you have now.
You have ten large tokens.
I will disperse them amongst the four of us.
I can add in another thousand, so it's two more.
So it's 12.
12. Yeah, I already have three.
All right, there we go.
(37:31):
Everybody's got three tokens.
How much are large tokens?
500 gold pieces.
Anybody want to lend me like three hundred and ninety eight
dollars gold pieces?
Rarke is at least standing up the wheel of mystery.
Hey, the.
Here's the rest.
Was it three ninety eight?
What a.
You're a. Focke or Keto will send you three ninety eight and give me a spin.
(37:54):
Twenty nine.
Twenty nine.
You got a twenty nine spinning the wheel.
They go real fast.
Yeah, it goes really fast and eventually after three minutes,
it slows down and finally stops on.
(38:16):
Plus one any level in a thing pops out
and you have a ticket that says plus one any level.
You can choose any class and gain one level in that class.
Do I have to choose right now?
I suppose not.
I'll spend it before I leave.
OK, sounds good.
I'm not done. OK, I go over to dance off.
(38:40):
I stretch the hands.
I stretch the hammies. Yep.
And I prep to dance and I select.
Um, what level of difficulty?
What song I'm selecting hard and I'm selecting the song.
Cha cha cha cha. Oh, OK.
Sounds good.
Do the hustle.
As you're pushing these buttons,
(39:02):
Ben, she steps up and takes the section.
He's going down to the hustle.
OK, what did you get? 21 is that performance?
Yeah. OK, nice.
OK, 21 to be fair, Ben, she did really well as well.
He on that's a great show.
Yeah, he did. He had a solid 19.
(39:25):
Oh, it was a close.
It was a close. So you got what? 21.
Yeah. All right.
As you are dancing away and the score comes up and it says new high score
and machine kind of worse a little bit.
Then it pops out a small token.
You receive a plus one in Bard.
(39:47):
All right. And then you have one token left.
I know I'm going kung fu fighting.
OK, dance.
Oh, you're doing the kung fu fighting song.
Yes. OK. All right.
Sounds good. Get ready to get ready.
Chop. Benji.
Is that quite as good at kung fu fighting,
but he's business solid 16.
(40:08):
20. Oh, OK.
Yeah, it's pretty solid too.
What's up?
What's up?
Beg your bubble in monk two. Am I right?
Well, no, it's a plus one Bard bubble.
So good.
Well, you get another level, but in Bard still.
OK, to in Bard.
That's how the game works.
This is perfect.
All right. And then you also what was that last role you guys?
(40:29):
28, 21 and 29 if you want my three.
All right. So then at the end of that,
you come out with 6,350 tickets.
All right, I'm done.
Thank for me to peruse the actually, please.
Actually, no, could I bite one more large token?
I suppose.
And I'm going over to one last machine.
(40:50):
OK, OK. I want to play bowling.
Just it's just straight up bowling, but I'm on a ball.
All right. You got a nice.
You got the alley. You got the bowling ball.
Go for it. Roach.
And bowling ball, the bowling ball.
One.
No. Good.
It's not even a gutter ball.
It's a gutter ball that bounces into things.
(41:12):
It rolls back.
He hits five.
Well, that doesn't even hit the other people's stuff.
OK, so first of all, you only get 10 tickets from that.
It's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah. I also you get one of your hit die.
You can roll it and add that to your Max HP.
(41:32):
Oh, I can choose.
Well, I do.
You're dead.
Oh, I guess you technically do.
But yeah, I suppose.
I mean, it's either like what, a D6 or a D8, you're 10.
I have something weird.
Oh, I decent.
Oh, because of my flight of flight as well.
Oh, man. Is it a wine?
So what?
That was a brutal game for you.
Hey, you know what?
You did really well with the other stuff.
I'd say, you know, at all kind of pants.
(41:52):
Here I game, Dola.
Yeah, I was going to say, I have levels which comes with.
I mean, levels.
Did you gain to my levels?
Come in the help ups, too.
Yeah, technically.
I know with that that three levels.
Yeah, so that's about it.
Holy cow. Yeah.
All right, I'll do my leveling up.
Yeah, yeah.
At the very least, I'd say for right now,
look up your if you wanted to spend tickets.
(42:13):
Jackson, Des would like to spin the mystery wheel three times.
Just spending a minute.
That's the way to go.
George, him says, ah, yes, it's my favorite game.
It's a gamble every time.
Life's better when you're gambling.
Yuck, yuck.
So you can roll on any skill that you want.
OK, I'm going to roll in strength.
(42:37):
Add my modifier to that.
Yeah, that's a 1717.
All right, you pull that wheel down and it slows to a class feature.
What are you? You're a ranger.
I range you.
Oh, you gain a favorite enemy.
(42:59):
Oh, OK.
And all the benefits that come with that.
OK, do it again.
Nice.
Yeah.
That's an 11.
All right.
Our as good as last time.
That's right.
With an 11, you gain a plus one to one of your ability scores.
(43:20):
Any ability.
Any ability score.
All right.
I'm going to get one in charisma.
OK, last time.
Last spin, the final spin.
That's a 15.
15.
You get another plus one to an ability score.
All right.
(43:41):
That's going into plus two total.
That'll get you a whole extra to your to your rolls on that.
That's nice.
And then to top it off, you also receive 1700 tickets.
Holy cow.
One thousand seven hundred.
Let's go.
One thousand seven hundred.
All right.
Quinn, you have one token, right?
Or did you have one token?
(44:01):
You have one token.
What are you going to spend it on?
You only got one shot.
That's all I'm going to say about that.
So I can I'll do the ring toss game this time.
Toss. OK.
The one ring toss.
Those are my only options.
I'm the hockey, right?
I think so. Yeah.
I mean, if you're going for wizard, then yes.
All right.
So you walk up to the ring toss toss the evil magical ring over the mountains of
(44:23):
Rodrom to ensure their destruction and earn tickets.
Rodrom is a bad place.
It's a dark place.
It's fiery.
You can roll Arkana history or medicine.
It's up to you.
Obviously, I would recommend whichever one is higher.
Taking a plus five, 18, 18.
All right.
Firstly, just because I have it up, you have 800 tickets from this that you gain.
(44:46):
And then with an 18, you gain a plus one to your proficiency bonus.
So that's the number up top that says I think yours is probably plus two right now.
That becomes a plus three.
And that's going to affect all those skills and your attacks and everything else.
Fatty. Yes.
You have three tokens, sir.
Fatty is going to spend his tokens.
(45:07):
He scans the arcade and sees the shiny barbarian machine.
He's going to up that violent factor.
You've got two machines to choose from when it comes to barbarian.
There's the hammer slammer or the whack a troll.
I could not tell the difference between them other than the picture.
The the main difference is just like there's the feats that are possible to get out of it,
which I know last time that you did this, I think you got I had almost all the feet.
(45:31):
Yes.
So that's kind of why I'm moving into the barbarian thing,
because I think I've depleted all the feats available to buy games.
Yes. OK.
So yeah, it's really just the difference between which feats that you might get
other than that, everything else is pretty much the same.
OK. Yeah, we're just going to do the whack.
The whack a troll, the whack a troll.
You hold onto those troll heads and hop in and out.
(45:54):
You're trying to whack Adam as it goes.
And I roll at the lad.
It's a.
Yeah.
Twenty three.
Twenty three.
Holy cow. All right.
You gain one in the barbarian level.
And now I'll put in the second token.
You got it.
The twenty four.
You four. Another plus one to your barbarian level.
(46:14):
Come on.
Twenty two.
Me too.
And another plus one to your barbarian level,
as if I needed to make you stronger.
You got four thousand fifty tickets out of all of that.
I'm, of course, three levels in barbarian.
OK. It was wild.
That's yeah, that's three level ups.
Jeez, I'm going to have to make everything stronger.
(46:37):
Wait, is this done?
Right. Yes, I'm done.
Dave, what would you like to invest in?
I got three tokens, three whole token, three barge tokens.
Let's try this.
Source her scheme all.
Try and sink your fireballs into the holes
at the end of the ramp.
All right.
And you're rolling with Arkano.
(46:58):
All right.
So with the nine, you're going to get 300 tickets.
And then you will receive a small prize.
That is one of the feats.
One of the feats that are available.
So the bell si-ma-per is the feed that you receive.
Oh, I can do I can do better.
I'll try again.
(47:18):
It slipped and it's still 24.
Twenty four.
That is going to be a plus one sorcery level.
All right.
Just flow me under 24.
And then you're going to get 1500 tickets.
All right, Dave, you've got one last token.
I'm going to go with S-L-A-S-I-N-S-A-M-A-R-I-S-L-A-S-I-N-S-A-M-A-R-I-I.
(47:42):
Take your sword in hand and slice through the incoming fruits and vegetables
in order to rank up more tickets.
Are you going to roll with athletics or acrobatics?
Acrobatics.
All right.
I'm so you want 21.
That's a one fighter level for you there.
(48:05):
And 21 is one thousand one hundred additional tickets.
All right.
And with that, everybody has spent their tokens.
Is there any purchases anyone would like to make with their tickets?
I have a question.
OK.
Does it have to be exactly gold that I could pay for like tokens?
(48:29):
Or can I pay like in like gemstones?
I have.
Well, you would probably just for the purposes of reasonable value,
I would say sell the gemstones in Ilanuas and then procure the gold pieces from that.
And then you could bring them to me.
(48:50):
What if it's a gold bar?
I've played a giant gold bar.
He he he walks you over to the machine and he says,
as you can see, there's a slot in the machine.
It's really only made for for coins.
Oh, I can't get.
Look, see this and he pulls out.
Can you make a machine that will turn Michael bar into gold going?
(49:13):
I didn't even design this one.
I'd have to go ask to my guy that made it and have him make a whole different machine.
And to be honest with you, I don't really talk to that guy that much anymore.
I owe keto tickets.
But I don't remember how much I borrowed some from you last time.
Tickets or money tickets?
Because I really wanted to buy that goat figurine.
I don't know how many luck stones can I buy?
(49:34):
I think it's one of those where it's like only one can be acted.
I was just going to keep buying luck stuff.
Yeah, that's very I don't think there's anything I really want.
Well, there's a cool bow.
I don't know. I'm an upgraded bow.
A magic bow sounds sick, actually.
Can I get a magic bow?
Oh, any particular bow?
Um, do you have any special bottles?
We've got plenty of special bows.
(49:55):
Are you kidding me?
We have.
Oh, that's a boomerang.
That's a sword.
Yeah. Oh, here we go.
We've got the oath bow.
We've got
that's a mace.
That's another boomerang.
We got long swords.
(50:16):
Huh. I want the oath bow.
Oh, well, of course, I can enchant a bow that you already have.
Can you enchant the oath bow?
If not, I'll just take the oath.
I suppose I could enchant the oath bow.
Like make it a plus one, plus two or something like that.
I can only afford a plus one, but yeah, plus one, the oath bow.
(50:37):
All right.
Oh, so that's three thousand five hundred for the oath bow.
Question, could I enchant an enchanted weapon later on?
Yeah, like if I wanted to put another plus one, enchant.
Make it a plus two. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure I could figure that out.
It would be you pay the differing.
Plus two costs four thousand.
Right. You pay the difference.
Oh, great.
(50:57):
Oh, I can pay three thousand to go up.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Yeah.
I want a plus one, which is a thousand tickets and then the oath,
both three thousand five so four thousand five hundred.
And I'm going to give the rest to Keto because I owe him tickets.
He's surprisingly good at math.
I've got this calculator.
He's got right next to the counter for a pick you see.
It's true.
And I'm doing the math for him on the calculator.
(51:20):
Have we seen your goat?
Yeah, once.
You want to see her again?
The road he squeezed.
It's an infinite go.
OK, yeah, I just have to pay money to bring her back again.
But yeah, it's fine.
She'll she'll play with Benji.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No boats in the arcade.
OK, well, I'll take my bow and be happy.
Good. Anyone else wish to purchase anything
(51:43):
from my wonderful bunch of goods?
I would. I'd like to purchase a sovereign glue jar.
This is one of those items that I'm so scared.
I'm so scared on what you're going to use it on.
So yes, sovereign glue, one ounce jar.
It is 400 tickets for those that are interested
(52:06):
in what the sovereign glue is.
It's it's essentially permanent glue that can stick to things the other.
And there are very few ways that a person can remove them.
Have we purchased this before?
I feel like that's the only before talked about.
OK, for those that were interested about the oath bow.
So with the oath bow, you choose a sworn enemy.
You have vantage when you're trying to shoot them.
(52:28):
They gain no benefit for any kind of cover, except total cover.
So unless they're completely hidden from you, you can shoot them no matter what.
That arrow is going to head towards them, kind of like yandu, you know, sort of.
Yeah. No disadvantage on long distance shots.
You get plus 3D, six piercing damage against them if you manage to hit.
And the only downside is that you have disadvantage with all other enemies.
(52:52):
Using the oath bow while the sworn enemy is alive, which means I just have this
advantage shooting them, right? Yes.
Yep. That's what I thought.
And just to clarify here, I think it's one of those things that you don't just
switch your your sworn enemy once it's chosen.
It's chosen until that sworn enemy is dead.
It works like Hunter's Mark.
Yeah, kind of like Hunter's Mark.
Yeah. And is it a bonus action that I started like Hunter remark?
(53:14):
Yeah, I'd say so.
Because always the Hunter's Mark.
You just say here.
Yeah, it's true.
It's not specified.
But yeah, and then if I killed someone, would I be allowed to move it without
using a bonus action?
I would have to.
I think it would still take the bonus action.
Yeah. I would also like two dusts of dryness.
Hell, it's all right.
Sounds good.
So that's a 240 total for for both of those.
(53:37):
The pellet absorbs 15 cubic feet of water and can be broken to release the water later.
Can be used against water elementals as well to just basically the water elemental.
That'll be another interesting one.
I'm intrigued to see how you these are those like obscure items that I was
excited to add in here and just really curious how people would inevitably use them.
(54:00):
So this will be this will be intrigued and I'll save the rest of my take.
All right.
He's a good.
So Maki's good.
Rorick is good.
Des or Keto either of you two or or those some good.
You're good. OK.
I don't think I'm going to spend my tickets today.
Yeah. OK. I think Keto is going to say I'm going to run you there.
Wow. All right.
(54:20):
You guys are going to get something big later on down the road.
All right.
Well, again, always fun to have you guys here at the on key.
I hope you guys had a lot of fun and what back you go.
And with that, you guys return to mediumville Island, new miss.
(54:43):
And with that, we'll end tonight's episode.
Thank you so much for listening to criminals of Island, new miss.
A Dungeons and Dragons, fifth edition actual play podcast set in a homebrew
world created by me, Skyler Gorsett.
If you've been enjoying our show so far, be sure to like, follow and subscribe,
wherever it is that you're streaming from, whether that be Spotify,
Apple Podcasts, YouTube or anywhere else that podcasts can be streamed.
(55:04):
Or just check us out on our website, SessionZeroHeroes.com.
Additionally, if you enjoy coin, you might enjoy some of Session Zero Heroes
other shows such as our benders and bruise and Avatar Legends actual play
where we jump into the world of Avatar, the last airbender and legend,
Akora using the Avatar Legends system created by Magpie Games.
Or one of our various one shots, which we are currently coming out with,
(55:26):
where we use a variety of games and TTRBG systems to tell a variety of fun,
exciting, emotional and hilarious stories within our group.
We have all sorts of other content that we highly recommend checking out
within the SZH channel and more to come in the future to find out more
about what we do at Session Zero Heroes and to keep up with a lot
of the other content we produce and be made aware of future projects, shows
(55:50):
and content. Be sure to follow us on social media, on Facebook,
X, Instagram and Discord.
These are all great ways to get in contact with our team as well as to keep up
to date with everything that we're creating and working on.
We'd love to see you there.
In the meantime, thank you so much for listening.
And don't forget to stay curious, stay heroic until we roll again.
(56:10):
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
(56:31):
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[BLANK_AUDIO]
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Kingdom of Fraud
It’s the unlikeliest of criminal partnerships: a devout polygamist from an insular Utah sect joining forces with a shadowy Armenian tycoon from LA. The result - a billion dollar fraud conspiracy. In Kingdom of Fraud, investigative reporter Michele McPhee traces the origins of the extraordinary alliance between Jacob Kingston and Levon Termendzhyan. Together, the two men trigger the largest tax investigation in American history and weave around themselves a web of dirty cops, influential political relationships and transnational money laundering. All this is set against the backdrop of Jacob Kingston’s clan – The Order. A powerful and secretive polygamist organization in Salt Lake City. To whom Jacob is desperate to prove his worth. Kingdom of Fraud is produced by Novel for iHeart Podcasts. For more from Novel, visit https://novel.audio/. You can listen to new episodes of Kingdom of Fraud completely ad-free and 1 week early with an iHeart True Crime+ subscription, available exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Open your Apple Podcasts app, search for “iHeart True Crime+, and subscribe today!