Episode 140 - Two Doors Down (Series Three) (2018) - The Culture Swally

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Culture Swally, a podcast dedicated to Scottish News and Pop Culture.

(00:22):
My name is Nicky and I'm joined as always by the man who once visited the whole in Amsterdam,
but only had his own cock in his hand in the vehicle. It's Greg. How are you today, my man?
I'm alright, I'm annoyed because for some reason they've decided to lift the pavement right in front of our drive.

(00:43):
Oh dear, even though this street is only a couple of years old, they've decided to lift the pavement right at the end of our driveway,
and they only came to tell us on Thursday that they were starting straight away, basically, so we're having a park.
Down the roads and I saw the foreman, so I was fucking raging and I said, how long is this going to take?

(01:06):
And he said it will take a week, but every time I drive, I'll go past or I drive in, they're all just fucking sitting about.
And almost any fucking work, I can see them out my window just now, and they're literally just fucking standing around with shovels in their hands doing fuck off.
When Nicky had, I took my wife out earlier, she was off to a brunch and I dropped her off.

(01:26):
And when I came back, they'll eat lying, sleeping on the pavement.
I was saying, well, not in the pavement, I was in my house, because that were fucking pavement, I was in my house anymore,
but in the pavement, opposite fucking, in raging.
So it's a case that this job would probably take half a day, but yeah, it's being extended to a week.
Well, yeah, be longer than a week. I fucking guarantee, the next time we record, I'll be sitting here fucking human,

(01:50):
because they'll still be dicking about at the end of the drive.
First world problems, mate, somebody's digging up the road outside your drive. Oh god, oh, you're terrible.
No, it's an inconvenience, of course. I can be fully on board with you there, but that's terrible.
Oh, well, so you know, going out to give them a cup of tea and ask them, you know, if they can shove along or anything?

(02:13):
No, no, because they're not doing it. If I might be compelled to take a little bit of refreshment out to them,
if I failed that they were actually putting a fucking shift in, you know what I mean?
But they're not. I mean, I'm literally looking at a guy just now who's standing with his hands,
balanced and top of the shaft of his fucking shovel, and one hand on his hip.

(02:34):
Watching another guy with a fucking pickaxe, honestly.
He's the foreman, obviously.
How's everything else, buddy? Yeah, everything else?
Good happening, yeah.
Yeah, I went to watch a game of baseball last night at the...
Oh, very nice. Dubai, seven's ground. I didn't say for it all because...
It's fucking boring me. It is boring.
What's the team called, Andy Boy?

(02:56):
So there's the Mumbai Falkens.
Mumbai Falkens, that is, and the Karachi Cobra is, is it?
Oh, it's a pretty low-scoring game.
I wouldn't say that many of the players in either side were indigenous to the cities that they represent.
They were all the Americans.
Okay, pretty much.
There was the odd Hispanic guy, there was even one Filipino guy, but yeah, fucking hell.

(03:20):
I mean, I just, you know, there's all these little prompts that you're supposed to do stuff.
They was a bit where they played the kind of Adam's family theme.
You know, if the batter, like, doesn't swing for the first pitch, I think it is.
They played the Adam's family theme for some reason.
I don't know why I don't know what you're supposed to do,
and every now and again they played the sort of cavalry kind of bugle.

(03:41):
Yeah, and they were like, "Why?"
I don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
You know what? It's to get the crowd ensues.
They've just copied, and obviously, what they do, the American people.
Yeah, I get it. I understand that, but I don't understand what they do in American themes either when that happens.
You know, what you're supposed to do, you're supposed to start a Mexican wave.

(04:04):
Are you supposed to shout something out?
You know, at the appropriate moment, I don't know.
I don't know what to do. Just sort of sitting there, if you think about the funny.
And nobody else seems no one to do either.
You need to have a nice little good stadium announcer like that, though.
That's the always the best thing.
Remember, John McRovie at Aberdeen was always very good.

(04:25):
He got into a lot of hot border quite a few times with stuff that he was playing.
I remember when Celtic came patigry once,
whilst the Celtic team was running out, he played the share hit,
Gymsys, Tramps and Feves.
That is absolutely 19 carats of the gold showhouse of the high store.

(04:54):
He got into trouble for that, but then the following season, when Rangers would have touched me,
he played the Imperial March when they were coming out as well, which wasn't quite good.
Did you see that? That little...
There's like a...
It's not a Facebook account, that I follow, but I do follow a couple of the clothing

(05:15):
Facebook accounts, and I think as a result, I got one from a page called
Dressers, and it's these like old retired casuals, like, harken back to their...
No, they're glory days when they were, you know, going about in the Pringle Jumpers and their...
I like you.
And, you know, they're your stalker hats.
And somebody put a picture on it saying...

(05:36):
It's Rangers HMS squad, or something like that,
walking through Bundy Train Station in 1984, or something like that.
Like people started listening to HMS and I stand for,
and the one that made me fucking absolutely weep with somebody put HMS,

(05:57):
Hand me soap.
Hand me soap, honestly.
I was fucking killing myself.
Absolutely killing it. Brilliant.
Well, you can maybe bring that to the baseball.
Yeah, I need to go against an eye.
The reason I was there is because we're sponsoring.
So I need to go against an eye.
I mean, I didn't stay for the whole nine innings.

(06:19):
Nine innings, right?
I didn't stay for the whole nine innings because
it started at eight o'clock, and the quarter to 11 were in like,
they just got the fourth, and I was stuck.
I need to get the fuck out of here.
But some longer stays long tonight.
But the thing about, I was driving home and I was thinking this about American sports, right?
So, there was a rule that the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, it's made the

(06:43):
effort to the sky last night called the fireball, right, basically. And basically, the fielding,
side, I think if the strike a batter out or the catch a batter out, then that signals the
end of the innings, then it doesn't matter whether because, well, it's the first batter,
or the third batter, because after the three batters are out, they swap over, right? That's the

(07:03):
end of the innings, the end of the first half of that innings. So, the rule is that if, yeah,
if the fielding sides strike or catch a batter, that's the end of the innings, regardless of whether
the bases are loaded or what, right? Now, I know that that rule has just been added to try and
hurry the game along at some point, right? Because somebody, somebody in their wisdom has been watching

(07:25):
Bay Baseball and said this game is fucking far too long. Not a lot of what happens is really,
you know, I mean, we saw two, I saw two home runs, right? Actually, the first pitch ended up with
a home run, you know, I mean, like the batter struck a home run. So that, that was pretty good, right?
I was thinking, all right, maybe, maybe this is going to be an exciting night. After that,

(07:46):
it was the fucking, the lowest scoring game a baseball have ever seen. I know that I've ever seen,
I've seen two games, that's my second game, right? But like two, I think like when we left,
I think it was like two runs to one or something or three runs to one or something like that. And
I bet that American football is a bit like that as well, right? It's like a few moments of frantic action

(08:11):
when the malls in play. Yeah, and then I set up, they've got reset, which ones take fucking ages now. Yeah,
I just, yeah, I just don't get it. And they, and I've heard people, like, I heard Bill Burr, they have a
wee dig, uh, football, they not make the original football, not a American football soccer. And he was,
you know, he was sort of slagging it off because obviously it's not a high-scrolling game football, you know?

(08:33):
And I, and I, and I, somebody gets that, it's like a team gets absolutely taken to the cleaners
and loses like 10 now, which they fucking once in a blue man, something that would happen.
It's a low-schooling game where there's American spell, apart from baseball, but he was sort of slagging
off because I think American football and basketball, they're high-scrolling games. But the tick, but they
fucking take forever, you know? I take, it takes, it's slow. And it's not worth it for that little bit

(08:57):
of that, that little frantic bit of action. I just thought it's just not for me. No, no, no offense
to American sports fans, but it's just not for me. I'm, I mean, I used to like basketball when I was
younger, but then I kind of agree I, because it is a bit boring because the teams just go up the
court and score and there's that, so I do like American football and I mean my big one that like

(09:21):
is ice hockey. Yeah, well that's, that is faster, but that is the exception to the rule of the way,
that is quite a fast game. Yeah, yeah, so that's a thing quite like, but I do like American football.
I did, yeah, quite like the tactics involved of that, but yeah, I have to admit baseball, I, yeah,
I've been to a game and I think we left before the end because it was just like, this is a bit boring,

(09:47):
but yeah, yeah, but well, maybe they should have implemented the fireball, perhaps.
Oh well, wonderful. Well, that's the sports roundup concluded.
Shall we have a look and see what's been happening in Scotland over the last couple of weeks?
Cure the jingle.
Hello, this is the out there heavily for broadcasting,

(10:13):
cod variation, and here is what's been going on in the new.
Oh, okay, Greg, what have you seen in the news over the last couple of weeks that has caught your
lovely eye? Well, well, ironically my first story is a sports adjacent story.
Yeah, it comes from the day the record last week, which is the third of November, and the headline

(10:33):
reads, "Scott's firm gets red card from Killjoy, FA, banning lionesses, draft excluders."
So for overseas listeners, the lionesses are what the English media have dubbed English
football, "Nat Ladies National Team" because they've had a little bit of success over the last three or four years.

(10:56):
If you're playing to them. So the article was on to say, "It's a brand Stopper FC sells the novelty
pillows which shows players performing the draft excluder roll at free kicks."
Look at this,cribe that to you. It basically looks, it's basically pictures of the lionesses.

(11:17):
So like if they're all standing in a row, to block a free kick,
someone wise down behind the standing players.
Yes, that's basically what it shows.
Okay, I'll go. That feels like a relatively new thing.
Yeah, it has come, I'd say in recent few years because I guess there was a tactic for a while of

(11:39):
people when they're taking a free kick, obviously the wall jumps and people were just shooting it low
under the wall. Right, time it well, but now some poor sod usually has to lie on the ground.
Yeah, get it in the back.
Well, England's football authority have objected to the Edinburgh firm using the lionesses.
A come-go-to-sake. Company boss, Richie Crossman said, "I couldn't believe it when we received the

(12:04):
complaint or just a small company track making honest living. We don't use the three lions logo,
so to complain about a common word which has been an addictionary for centuries,
his bonkers. I mean, you can't argue with that logic. It goes on to say,
"We don't have the financial clout to object, so we've removed the phrase, but there's more than one

(12:25):
way is going to big cat. We've found an easy way to get them back on sale while giving lioness
buyers first dibs." Chiki Richie added, "I worry for Sir David Attenborough's next talking
actually. Oh my god, brilliant." He needs to watch how he refers to female lions,
that's what the lion says, he'll be getting them. An angry legal notice, Stopper FC sells more than 40

(12:49):
player novelty cushions at 34 pounds up up, as well as 30 bar blades. I don't know if they mean
like a bottle opener there. We told last year how yobs were foiled trying to torch the firm's
Celtic pillows on Bonfire night. Richie came up with the idea to produce the stoppers after

(13:12):
watching players line on the pitch behind the fence of walls. Scotland heroes, Scott McTominay,
John McGinn, Andy Robertson and Ben Ganondoke are also available along with a host of other stars.
So once again, the FA, rooting it for every cut. Now, obviously I can see the the fact that
lioness is trademarked and they will be producing merchandise with that. I can see that, but come on,

(13:37):
it's a fucking door stop and it's a Nazi store, but yeah, it's because it's an Edmund Rabay's firm,
that's the only explanation I have. I just think the English track keep,
Scott, it's a bit price-thou, as usual. Just, just, oppression continues to this day. It's
shocking, Greg. Can't believe it. Who the fuck would want to buy that anyway? It's my other question.

(14:02):
Well, I mean, I guess he's, I guess he was exporting them to England, but the thing is, they don't call
the men's English team the Lions because you've already got the British Rat Lions rugby team,
and so they know they can't do that, right? Yeah, but they decided, and the media has called
the ladies team the Lioness. The FA haven't come up with that. I guess they've trademarked it,

(14:26):
though, if they're taken action against Richie and his door stoppers.
Yeah, they must have, yeah. Because I was, I was like, well, what is the England team name?
Because I know it's like three Lions, but that is their nickname, the three Lions.
Well, but got some names for them in Scotland, but I don't think they probably struggle to trademark them.

(14:46):
Yeah, they would, I think, they wouldn't be a liked with the
executive language or, yeah, no, definitely wouldn't be a liked. Anyway, yeah, well, once again,
one in the eye for Scottish Enterprise from English Overlords. If you're going to buy
draft excluder, you know, pillow, what player would you like to keep your draft?

(15:12):
I was, got it to be a footballer, what a Lioness or... I don't think a Lioness, but it just did
the role. I guess an easier question would it be, who's your favourite player at the moment?
I mean, Lioness, I probably wouldn't want to marry her, because that's the only one I can name.
The only one I can name is Lisa Stanway. And believe it or not, the only reason that I'm

(15:37):
able to name her is because she comes from Barone Furness and her granny was a primary school teacher
of mine when I was the first, when I first moved to England. Yeah, I don't know her granny's first name,
I only know her as Mrs Stanway. In terms of a football player, I don't know, I'm thinking,
I wouldn't mind a draft excluder of Bret Hart giving the sharp shooter to Steve Austin. Yeah,

(16:00):
that would be quite a nice little, or maybe like Rick Flair doing the figure of four leg long,
that would be quite good. Footballer, I don't know, I'm trying to think of anyone that I would,
I would have, I mean, yeah, like a Scotland national player, I don't know.
Did he admire you at the moment? I was like, I was still always like John McGinn, he's always a good

(16:20):
lad, I think he sees so it, you know, fun. Yeah. I think he would be good. Who about yourself,
would you have anyone that you would go with? I don't know, don't know, have not really been watching
the football that much of late. I've just been, well, apart from like various sports documentaries,
like the race and one in particular. You wouldn't have Paul Mullin, so draft excluder.

(16:43):
You know what, I'm actually like Paul Mullin. I do like Paul Mullin because he comes across really
well. He's been hard done by, he fucking got them up to the fucking championship and then,
all right, thanks buddy, see you later and yeah, send out on loan. But it was, it was awesome.
Had some injuries, right? I don't know if he'd have, he might have, he might have,
maybe be a bit in the championship, maybe potentially. I don't know, I mean, there might

(17:04):
be periods like footballers are fairly, fairly, you know, fairly accepting of these sort of things,
like they're kind of, they sort of know how it goes, right? They've probably seen it happen to other
players older than them when they're first coming in at the Scots and stuff and, you know, they know
that one day it's probably in the post for them as well. I'm sure, I'm sure he's probably done
all right, Paul, you know what, I mean, I'm sure he's made quite a lot of money through that

(17:26):
Rex and documentary and everything, plus he's footballing, you know. And I mean, the exciting thing is,
we'll get to see in the next series of Welcome to Rex and if that crappy garage band have come up with a
new song, because to replace the Paul Mullin, fuck it now that's the shit is song. It really is.
Yeah, I've been following Rex and his results. They're sort of, they're kind of mid-table, I think,

(17:50):
they've only won two games, they've only won two games all season, but they've had a bit of a drawers,
not too many losses. So I think that's, I mean, I think they'll probably be reasonably content
with that, because they know that, they, they, they, they, they, I'm sure they knew that there was
no way they were going to rock it up to the top of the championship in the same way they did
the other divisions, because like you were saying in this podcast recently, it's like,

(18:12):
exactly does the toughest division, the championship, right? Yeah, kind of, I think,
middle of the table, is she is probably quite good-going, I think, for those guys? I think it's, yeah,
that's, I'd be happy with that. And it'll be interesting to see the, the next series, the documentary,
if, as you know, they, they did it last season, they kind of sat Rob and Ryan down and they're like,

(18:34):
right, well, the two options are we go for it, and, but if we don't do it, we're fucked, or we just
stay in this league and they're both like, yeah, let's just fucking go for it. And they did. And they,
they, you know, fair play, they achieved their goal. And be interesting to see, and I guess they can
film at a later date, this conversation, depending on how their league form goes, if they're like,
no, I think we should just try and stabilize in here for a few years. Whereas you know,

(18:58):
behind the scenes, they've both been like, let's just fucking go for it, it's the premier ship next
season, but they'll re-edit it so they didn't say that at all. I'm sure. Yeah, I think that
seems to be a degree of reality there. I mean, I, I say, sundall in the back of the premier ship,
and not doing too badly at all. Yeah, they're doing pretty well. Yeah, that's a great documentary.
I think that, but I think the, we looked at the week, they were like fourth in the table or something,

(19:20):
like it's pretty good going on. Yeah, there does seem to be a good trend of that. I think last season,
like, forrest, they came up and then they finished like in the top six or something, but fucks it,
they were lovely. Yeah, they have, yeah, massively fucked it. So it'll be interesting to see if,
if, you know, sundall in can keep it up, but yeah, oh, good stuff. Anyway, that's, um, I never,

(19:42):
yeah, I don't know who I'd pick. I don't know. Maybe a road vehicle, I wish it wasn't played for any
football teams, but she looked pretty good on the big Pipple. Anyway, that's my first story. What's
your first story this week? Well, I will stick with a sporting theme, then Greg, for my story.
I wasn't going to, but I'm going to now. This is from the Scottish Sun this week and the headline is

(20:06):
in the doghouse. Now, we're going for the glamour of the line S's into fucking lowland league Scottish
football here, mate. A lowland league side have left punters barking mad with their decision to ban
dogs from their Scottish cup third round tie. Tronette say they made the move for their crunch
clash against Inverness, Cali Thistle at the end of the month on safety grounds. Club Chief say it

(20:30):
wasn't taken lightly as they know many of their fans like to take their four-legged friends to
Forester's Park. It's the first time the fourth-place lowland league side who are three points off
league leaders Clyde Bank or to face the league one-leaders. Capacity at Forester's Park is around
2,300 with 44 seats and the club are expecting a bumper crowd when they entertain the Highlanders.

(20:54):
In a statement on X, the club said, "Dude, you anticipated crowd size and for the comfort and
safety of all supporters attending our upcoming Scottish Cup third round tie against Inverness, Cali Thistle,
we've made the difficult decision to implement and no dogs policy for this fixture."
We know many of our supporters enjoy bringing their four-legged friends to the park and this

(21:16):
decision has not been made lightly. However, with increased attendance and activity on this day,
the measure is necessary to ensure a safe and enjoyable environment for everyone.
Scottish football fans of course couldn't miss the opportunity to have a bit of fun on the
socials. One fan pointed out, "Football without dogs is nothing."
In reference to the famous jogstein quote, "Another ducked. My dog is absolutely devastated and won't

(21:42):
leave the house now. Cheers guys." A third commented, the most obvious one, "This is barking mad."
Recently, another low-lingly club claimed a unique first by offering season tickets for dogs.
Count and Bate, who play at Central Park, said, "The blue Brazil have officially become the
first football club to launch season tickets for dogs, giving loyal four-legged friends the chance

(22:07):
to join their humans on Matchday at Central Park." The Corkean Initiative celebrates Count and
Beast's reputation as one of Scotland's most welcoming and community-focused clubs.
So, the Eagle Greg, dogs banned from the Scottish cup tie. Now, I read this, and you know,
part of it's like, "Oh, this is a little kind of parochial new story for Scotland as to make people laugh."

(22:30):
I remember going to, I think it was cuter against maybe cove when I was a teenager with my cousin,
and we took his dog with us, and we just stood at the sidelines with a dog watching the football.
So, the highlight of that for me was getting a pie, but I can understand a lot of people probably
do take their dogs like the low-highland league football, and yeah, they're probably devastated of,

(22:54):
"Huh, can't take Bessie to the game now."
"Well, I mean, at Bess, they're going to be a terrorist, right? Or it's probably a lot of just
standing around the field."
"Well, yeah, because they've got a capacity of 2,300, but there's only 44 seats, so there must be
a rame for those seats on a match day."
"Well, they probably give those seats to the elderly and the disabled first of all, probably, you know."

(23:19):
"Do we hope so?"
"To be fair."
I mean, I guess it's probably, if they're anticipating a lot of people, there's maybe a little bit of
dog welfare in there as well, you know what I mean? Because some dogs are probably quite happy,
sitting at their owner's feet surrounded by hundreds of cheering and shouting people,

(23:39):
and it may make some dogs quite nervous, right? And so maybe that's why I mean, keep
actually to keep my chin bobby at a lower highland league game.
"No, that's what I think about when I'm like that. I might have to be nice for some dogs,
and then I think about my four-legged, dearly departed friend, not a fucking chance.
You would be trying to grab that ball, even when we're walking the streets. I made the mistake

(24:04):
of when we were in Dubai, I bought my football for the garden, and we used to kick it about any
fucking loved it. And then any time you saw someone with a football, you just wanted to get at it."
Yeah, and it was like, which is quite difficult when you're walking about and kids are playing football
in the streets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So no, definitely, I think it's a very, a safe measure to implement.

(24:24):
So yeah, unfortunately, dogs not allowed at the football. It's just political crink.
They've gone mad, mate. What were you supposed to do?
I have been thinking a lot about having a dog recently. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I always had dogs when I was grown up, and then we had a re-dog made up in Scotland.
We had to get him adopted when we moved to Kuwait, but luckily he went to a friend of ours.

(24:48):
We were able to see how he got on until he came to the end of his life.
The only thing is, it's fine at this time of the year because we're in the good weather time,
you know, and I could be out walking and running with a re-dog and stuff like that.
But it's just, it's a summer. I just feel so bad for them this summer because even at night,
it's still pretty hot to take them out, you know what I mean? Because there's a lot of

(25:10):
what you did with Bobby, you know, there's a lot of opportunities to rescue dogs here, you know what I mean?
So I've been thinking a lot about it, but yeah, I think I had to have to wait until I'm back in a more
sort of temperate climate, I think. Yeah. And then just have a little, I'll be proud of my own
to take for walks and runs and sit in my knee, you know that. Yeah, it's amazing.

(25:31):
It's amazing. The best thing in the world. But yeah, I mean,
that's obviously into, but there's a lot of them. There's a couple of big indoor dog parks,
you can take the dog to, take Bobby every weekend to my second home,
and knock him out for the day. But yeah, in the summer, it's not fun, obviously, for all involved
having to do. Okay. What else have you seen this week, buddy? Well, this is one's an interesting one.

(25:56):
So this one comes from the Scottish Sun. The headline reads, "Lood reads full list of 245
banned books in Scott's library's revealed, including, including a manual, how to make poison."
It includes publications from telegroups, PIDO networks, you got to love the Sun. Child beaters,
Nazi hunters, bogus health gurus, gurus rather, and even magicians. Oh, so the Scottish National Library

(26:23):
has removed access to hundreds of dodgy books, including a manual in how it make a weapon of mass
destruction. They've put 245 titles in a restricted section which cannot be accessed by members of
the public for legal reasons. It includes publications from terror groups, PIDO networks,
child beaters, Nazi hunters, bogus health gurus, and even magicians. Accessing them is illegal,

(26:45):
except for cops, and officials who need to see them for special reasons, including court cases.
A 2006 guide, how to make and use a whole made weapon of mass destruction,
is among the restricted items. It was credited to the Scottish Separatist group
said to be the political wing of the Scottish National Liberation Army. The pamphlet gave details

(27:07):
of an effective weapon capable of killing thousands of people, and it came out amid a home office
terrorism probe into SNLA threats to put lethal chemicals in English cities water supplies.
Other publications to have had public access to an ID include ones by a child beater,
a bogus health guru, and a magician. Alice and Stevenson of the library says it takes a lot

(27:29):
for something to be withdrawn. We don't take it lightly, and other ones that are withdrawn are very
serious matters. The grape cure that's grape as in the fruit from 1969 was the supposed
benefits of eating the fruit of own, so eat nothing but grapes. But it was barred after somebody
tried it and died. Magician Mark Raffles told in his book The Pickpocket Secrets in 1982

(27:55):
how to make wallets and watches. An Eric Wildman's 1950 book, Common Sense Punishment,
gave advice on hitting kids to educate them with physical beatings. Jesus.
That little red school book written in 1970 by two Danish teachers was withdrawn for legal reasons,
including obscenity, not sure, sort of, it could have been trigged to no. In 1999,

(28:19):
biography of Labour politician Lord Peter Mangelson was also removed for a rowing a libel case,
and I see he's not hot water again for his association with Jeffrey Epstein, right?
Yeah, yeah. So yeah, these are just, I mean, there is a, I think there's a link to the 245 books,
I don't think we want to list 245 restricted books. In fact, the Scottish Sun, it's not a link

(28:46):
to all the books, it's just a book to a section on the Scottish Sun's website called Books and Reading.
That picture of Irvin Welsh there, a picture of Outlander, a picture of Bobby Gillespie.
Do you ever have or read the, I mean, the big one when we were younger was the anarchist's cookbook.
Yeah, I remember that one. I remember somebody had printed it off the internet of an early internet

(29:11):
link in the mid-medies. Somebody, there was like a sort of printed out bound A4 volume of it. I
remember trying to, we tried to dry out banana skins and smoke them for the wind, for the wind
directions in that book because the liar that wrote it, wrecking, but banana skins could get you high.
Yeah, I remember there was a guy I was kind of, frankly, ish with the hood downloaded or is brother

(29:36):
I downloaded it from the internet and I remember him showing me a video of him and another mate
making like a homemade kind of explosive device and putting it in a bin in West Hill and blowing
up and they were thinking this was the greatest thing ever and I think I must have been about

(29:57):
13, 14 at the time and I just being like, you know, girls exist, don't you? Yeah.
Like, it was around about that time I realised I'd grown those friends and they just weren't interested
in girls and stuff. So they were still happy to make bombs and stuff. Yeah, I differ. But wow,

(30:18):
amazing, banned books and I guess, yeah, you would think there's so much. Everything's available
online now. I mean, obviously you'll get flagged if you're looking at how to poison someone and stuff.
Yeah, it's amazing that they're still banning these kind of things and books and yeah, it's incredible.
It was that there was one, remember somebody at work having like the satinists something,

(30:41):
oh yeah, I remember the book was, remember some, the satanic verses. No, not the satanic. No, no, no, no, no, no,
it was, I think kind of where it was, it was like the sort of satinist bible or something like that it was called.
I can't remember. I can't remember. Banned books. Have you got any books you shouldn't have? I don't think so.
Well, I've got the funniest book I've got. I think I said you and a mutual friend that picture of it.

(31:03):
I will have to my grandfather passed away. I took some of his books because he had, he had some hard
backs of some James Bond books in the 1960s, which I've got. I've actually got them here on my bookcase.
And one of the books I took was because he was in the army in the second world war, my grandfather.
It's a bit, it's like I've mentioned before and he was given a little manual basically to help him avoid catch in the

(31:28):
clap. But he obviously was going to be off as a young soldier in foreign countries fighting the
Nazis and their allies and yeah amongst his, amongst the, I'm sure the, the many life-saving things
that he was issued with as part of his, as part of his soldier kit was a wee book and how he'd

(31:50):
avoid catching gonorrhea. Oh nice. Well, it's a good and handy guide to have and an essential item
I think and as far as I know it was a hundred percent effective. Oh well there you go. There you go.
That's as far as I know. That's what they should be giving out then to soldiers. That's perfect.
Good stuff. Yeah, very good. Anyway, so yeah, so if anybody knows anything else about the little red book,

(32:16):
we're interested to know. We'll be right in and tell us what that's about. Anyway, that's um,
that's the Scottish band books. What's um, which should I next story this week? My next story comes
from the Scottish sun Greg and it is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. The headline is festive fiasco.

(32:37):
Tesco have been forced to bin a deeply offensive Christmas card which appears to poke fun at diabetes.
The supermarket giant came under fire in Scotland for the festive offering with the message.
Remember, it just isn't Christmas unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.

(32:58):
Erasure-based Lochlands legacy who campaigned to raise awareness of the condition branded the item
disgusting cherry chief Leslie Murdoch who has a child with diabetes said, "making light of any
form a diabetes a serious life changing condition that affects millions of people is not appropriate

(33:19):
or humorous. I'm certain Tesco would not consider it acceptable to joke about any other medical
condition so I's diabetes treated differently." This kind of messaging reinforces harmful stereotypes
and undermines the daily challenge faced by those living with diabetes and their families.
It's understood the car was sold by a third party seller on Tesco's online marketplace.

(33:42):
The charity has urged the retail chain to review processes to prevent similar issues in future.
However, some shoppers were unsympathetic towards the Christmas card quit. One said,
"I don't believe Tesco intended to cause offense. It seems like a bit a lighthearted festive banter."
But diabetes UK hit back saying, "Diabetes is not a joke." A spokesperson added comments like the one

(34:08):
on the Christmas cards fuel the blame in judgment people with diabetes face in a daily basis
and undermine why we're working so hard to combat the harm stigma causes. Is this
so-ray appropriate? Is it funny enough or is it a bit too harsh? I don't think it's harsh, I think,
you know, it's quite funny that Tesco made such a con of it. You know, any bit Tesco were

(34:28):
commented and they've apologized for the blunder and have launched an urgent probe.
Zoom. Offensive Christmas cards, Greg. I mean, is I can see the-
I mean, they've gone with the diabetes angle here, but alcoholism is mentioned as well. That's,
I would say, a bigger thing, a killer in Scotland. I mean, they're linked, obviously. So it's,

(34:51):
yeah, why is there no alkeys offended at that? Because alkeys are too busy getting peshed,
to be offended. That's why getting peshed and having a laugh and buying Christmas cards like that
because they think it's funny. I can see the offensive in their right. Other conditions and illnesses
aren't made fun of. It's, you know, they're not saying like, "member isn't Christmas unless you

(35:16):
get cancer" or "contract syphilis at the office Christmas party" or something. So yeah, maybe it's
right. Maybe it's a- it's an ill-judged card. Yeah, I think so. I mean, what I said before,
if everyone's a bit too quick to be offended these days, you know what I mean? Yeah, you know,
they can, it's, you know, it's not right to make fun of people, like individuals, because of

(35:40):
something that they suffer with, you know, they wouldn't be funny to make fun of like a fat guy who
is diabetic, for being diabetic. I think that's anything wrong with making fun of the illness itself.
You know what I mean? It's kind of reclaiming a bit of power, isn't it? If you're making fun out of it
and yeah, but I don't know, obviously some people do get offended. I mean people just,

(36:03):
people just look for things to be offended by, you know, I think I saw, I saw Rickard Reves being
interviewed and he was, his sort of viewpoint on being offended, you know, is it? He's like,
that you can find something, if I make a joke, you don't think it's funny, then fine, I get that,
but it's arrogant to say that you're offended, that joke offends me, you know what I mean?

(36:24):
Well, why, why it's a joke? You know, you just sort of find it funny, you're not offended.
You're offended if somebody comes up to you and says, "How you, you can't", you know? And then
somebody you know, in which case, they're probably just greeting you if it's in Glasgow, right?
They get this after a friend, a greeting. But, you know, I think, I don't think there's anything wrong
with making fun of an illness or a condition. I think it's wrong to make fun of somebody for

(36:45):
having that illness or condition. I mean, diabetes for me, I mean, it just, it must just be the worst,
one of the worst things to have to manage, especially if you're having to check your blood sugar,
if it's the type of diabetes where you have to check your blood sugar and take insulin and
be very care for them, it will you eat? Because you're only like, you're only like a couple of missteps

(37:05):
away or like a mistake away from perhaps doing a self-serious damage or being in a coma or worse,
right? So, yeah, yeah, a horrible thing. So, it would be horrible to make fun of somebody who was
having to deal with all that. There was anything wrong with making fun of diabetes as a condition.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my viewpoint on it.
And the views of the culture, Swally, I'll take that on board. But yeah, a little bit of a hot

(37:29):
bother with Tesco's Christmas card, but never in mind. Hopefully everyone has a healthy Christmas
and enjoys. Have you seen anything else this week, man? No, no, and of course, in the next time,
you hear us, we'll be up to ear, oaks, thersin, Christmas spirit because it'll be the first of
our Christmas episodes. It will be, certainly, will be Christmas episode coming up next episode

(37:53):
on the culture, Swally. Yeah, definitely. Obviously, next, but we've got something, oh well, though,
we are discussing our Christmas episode and what we're talking about today. We are indeed.
We are indeed. I'm going to leave you, I'm not going to leave you, I'm going to leave
them this section with them. It's just a quote that I read. There was a news story in Glasgow Live this
week about a burst sewer in in sholans, one of your old stomping grounds. Yeah. And there was a letter,

(38:20):
not a letter, sorry, a post written to Scottish water, which I just wanted to read out. So it was a
burst water main in sholans and somebody wrote to Scottish water and said, hey, Scottish water,
just wondering when you're going to come and permanently fix the collapse, suit our pipe on hept
our road in sholans. I don't want to sound bushy, but it's been over two weeks since you first came

(38:43):
out and it's now spewing human turds all the way up to the roof. It would be a real treat if
residents of all ages didn't have to avoid a jobee guys or whilst walking down the street.
So yeah, I just like the use of the term jobee guys. Yeah, I just think it would be a real treat.
Just lovely fucking human shit in the streets of sholans, never mind. Okay. Right, before we go

(39:10):
into what we're going to be talking about today, let's have a little word from our sponsors.
The legend of a lamp with awesome power. The chosen must find it and save the world.
Hi, it's us. And the biggest time to in Scotland. No, and no one old. Aladdin with Jeddakale,
Julibos Nimon, Eric Potts and the Kings Glasgow from 1st of December. It was your choice this week

(39:37):
for I think our last sort of known festive choice of the year. So why don't you just switch choice.
Thanks very much, Greg. That was a bit drawn out. Okay, thank you, buddy. Well, today we will be
discussing the third series of classic Scottish comedy "Tudors Down". I show which centres around a
lovely couple, Beth and Eric, and they're in sufferable neighbours who pop round every episode.

(40:02):
Starting Alex Norton, Arabella Weir, Elaine C Smith, Jonathan Watson and Dune MacKeakin.
The show started with a one-off special in 2013 and then started a series in 2016. Back in December
2021, we covered the original pilot and then in September last year, we looked at the first
proper series of the show. But rather than do series two, I thought we'd skip ahead to series three

(40:24):
because jazz is replaced by Gordon, Sophie is departed and I think this is what I think of as classic
"Tudors Down" before the introduction of Alan and Michelle, but yeah, on watching it, it's kind of
not, but I will discuss that when we go into this. So Greg, see you see a "Tudors Down". I always
forget, did you watch this as an aired or did you catch up on it later on? No, I caught up with it a

(40:49):
lot later on by this show. I saw the pilot when it first came out because I was in Scotland,
when it came out. I remember the pilot, but I watched it when I was back in Scotland in 2021, my
dad was in the hospital when I was doing my Covid-10 days self-isolation. I just rattled through

(41:11):
all the series up to that point, I think, over those 10 days. So I think it took me up to maybe
series four, I think. So I think I was looking here on Wikipedia, series five was 2021 and then
22, so yeah. So the first four series, and I felt that, I remember feeling like the first time I

(41:36):
watched series three that it really kind of hit it straight, I felt like, you know what I mean, like,
you know, the characters were all well established by this point, although they do
introduce Gordon and then the vast episode, Alan and Michelle were introduced, but you know,
the sort of core of Beth Eric, Kathy, Colin and um, fucking hell Greg, come on mate, Christine, Christine,

(42:00):
um, you know, they've just really well established the characters, you know, and I was thinking, well,
I wonder if it's because, you know, the actors are really, you know, really own the characters
by this point. If it just made it easier to write for them at that point, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I think it probably did because you know exactly what you're going. I mean, that's the thing

(42:20):
with two doors down. It's so different from a lot of other shows in that set up of every episode is
essentially the same. Yeah. The Colin, Kathy and Christine descend upon Beth and Eric who are doing
something, but they get interrupted by them and then Gordon and you in come round. Okay. And
hilarity ensues. Now this, there is a departure in this series in terms of, there is an episode

(42:43):
outside of, yeah, of Beth and Eric's um, sitting room and it's, it's a strange series because as I say,
I picked it thinking, right, this is core and peak two doors down. Gordon's there before Alan and
Michelle arrive, but in reality, of the six episodes, you have one episode outside the house and

(43:03):
Kathy's not even in it. Yeah. And then the last episode Alan and Michelle are already there. So
it's a bit strange. You've only really got like four episodes of, yeah, peak, well five if you
include the Christmas special, I suppose, um, of peak kind of two doors down, but it's still,
there are a couple of episodes in that run that are probably my favorites. I know you're a big fan

(43:25):
of Eric's Colin and I'm not a huge fan of that episode and and fish Friday when they're in the pub is
just an absolute classic episode. I guess the, the only disappointment really, I mean, we'll
discuss jazz versus Gordon as we go on, but the department of department, the departure of, uh,
of Sharon Reeny as Sophie, which, you know, obviously she went on to, to bigger and better things, um,

(43:52):
being in the fucking Barbie movie and stuff, but it was a, yeah, it's a shame you missed Sophie and I,
I know they're doing like a last episode kind of, it's gonna air over Christmas. I'm, I'm really hoping
she would make an appearance, I doubt it, but, hmm, it'll be great, but I missed Sophie because she's,
she's such a great character. She has a good character, but I think the character of

(44:14):
Christine is so good that, hmm, she doesn't really need Sophie. Do you know what I mean? No.
Uh, and, and that, the whole sort of thing, it, it, it, it kind of makes it a wee bit more,
kind of credible that Beth always asks her in because she kind of get the feeling that Beth feels
as much as she is an imposition. Yeah, it feels a bit sorry for her, you know, she's there in her own

(44:35):
and their daughters living in council accommodation in north Wales.
You know, so I mean, uh, so I, so I didn't really find myself missing Sophie that much. What I did,
I did go into this thinking, oh brilliant, my favourite episode where Eritra covering from is,
is Nackerd's colonoscopy, but the episode after it where Colin and Kathy have been burgl.

(45:02):
That episode on, on this watch anyway, that episode really, really, really made me laugh. Like,
even more than the whole invalidated Colin episode, sorry invalidated Eritra episode,
really, really made me laugh. That has, I think, two of my favourite Christine lines in that episode,

(45:24):
and she doesn't swear in either of them, but it's just, can I get, can I guess one of them?
Yeah, I think I've written it down. It's one of them. Gordon Shrews is a too short and somebody
shot their load in the Kathy's Nickerds' roar. No, but that's obviously number three that I could
have never go up on that one. My two favourites are, um, when she says that she sleeps with all her

(45:51):
jewelry on, and she comes time to breakfast like Mr. T. That's right. Yeah, that's it. And my other
favourite was which says, I mean, that's the thing, because of the departure of Sophie, Pat
at the back has a lot more references in this series. It's that she keeps a knife under our bed.
It's, it's for crackers and butter, but it could double up. Yes, she had, I mean, it's a, it's a rich

(46:18):
seam of Christine Lines series three. Oh, okay, I, I don't want to like is I, I don't care if they'd
be munching around with paper, paper, fucking self. Oh, wait, um, in it. Sausages, three pound.
They didn't have the ones you wanted. These are organic. They're what? They're organic. The pigs

(46:41):
that I like to run about whenever they want. I don't care if they've been running about with paper,
fucking bigger sales. And I have no pain. Three quid for them.
It usually keeps referring to the people that broke into caffeine, Collins as fucking scum.
Every opportunity she gets when the, the portrayal about fisting in the park, track, go,
try to get, try to get her head around a whole hand, the whole hand, like city. And, um,

(47:08):
when she's trying to work out which wall she lives through, and Eric's like, just through that wall,
she said, if you're a sort of point, let me give you the fucking window. I am similar to you. I,
I have a whole section of my notes of Christine's best moments. And it is all hard lines. And you've
just rattled through quite a few of them. And I mean, yeah, we're obviously speaking about Christine.

(47:30):
I think my, I'll build up to my, my favourite, of course, but you're right. I mean, in terms of the,
um, on fish Friday, the, the whole vegetarian thing with, with Gordon, you know, that sounds fucking
horrible, son. Um, you know, that's the thing with the vegetarian. You always end up with the
shitest thing on the menu. I think I, I do love the subtlety of a lane-seesmith's performance,

(47:53):
because when in the Christmas episode where Gordon and Ian have given Madison a card, and she says,
is it cash without voucher? And this is a voucher. The look she gives Gordon and Ian is just wonderful,
of disgust that she wanted cash. When Alan and Michelle are around and they say they lived in East

(48:15):
Colbert's, when they go out the room, she says to Colin, look up sex offenders to be sculled right
on your phone. But I think my absolute favourite is, I think it is the burn supper episode when it is
because, um, they're speaking about Colin's ex of on, and they're speaking about Eric. And she says,

(48:36):
I could just see him buying women first-suppers and trying to corner them in bus shelters.
I wasn't really serious with anybody before I met Beth, I went out with a few people.
Did you? Well, not loads. I always say to Cathy, I bet when you were younger, you had a nose for it.
Oh, I, I came just see him buying women first-suppers and then trying to corner them in busshelers.

(49:04):
Excuse me, I didn't do anything to everybody else, wasn't he doing? Look, everybody's getting
excess of, we know, which important is who we're with now. And it's like so upset and offended by that.
He's just saying that it's not just saying that Eric used to be a sex pest, it's the, the description
of buying them fish-uppers and cornering them in bus shelters. It's just, oh, oh, absolute genius

(49:31):
and so funny. But yeah, Christine is just, you know, we've spoken about Tudor's down a couple of times,
obviously, in the pilot, which of course she's not in, but then the first series.
For Elaine T Smith to have not one, but two, iconic characters, you know, she's always made it all.
Always made it all. But now she's Christine. And it's, it's just a testament to Scottish comedy,

(49:57):
but to her as an actor of how good she is that she can deliver those performances and such different
characters as well. Yeah, yeah, we're in the completely different characters and you're right. I mean,
it's, it's not just, you know, our lines, it's, it's our face. Yeah. You know, because, because like,
she could be a character who is sort of ignorant to if anybody says anything that's

(50:22):
taken the piss out of her, you know, I mean, or, or makes fun of her or whatever, but she hears it and
she never reacts really. She just sort of gives this sort of raised eyebrow kind of expression,
you know what I mean? I think she's, it's almost like she's thinking, I'll fucking remember that one.
She does kind of get her back though, because there is, I think it's in fish Friday when she is kind of,

(50:48):
she's almost like a fish at a water when she's in the pub. Yeah. Colin when he's pished does come over
and say, oh, where's your broomstick in flying monkeys? Yeah. And she does get him back later,
which she calls him "wee tuff day" which she, I'm sorry. So, and then when, when he comes round with
Michelle's, and Alan are they, and she means, he means over Michelle, and she says, wait,

(51:11):
to meet this tip. But one of my favourite scenes in this series is when they manage to
convince Beth to make fresh chips. And she's showing everybody how it, how did they blow them?
Oh, because Kathy's just gonna dug in her's not too hard. She got to, she got to come down the heart

(51:37):
of the chip, Kathy. And that is where I think two doors down just absolutely excels as a show,
because it does take like the simple moments of life that you always think about and then
you're just in hilarity laughing it. So, for example, blowing on the chips is a perfect example of

(51:58):
something. And the little times they kind of reminisce or they talk about something that is,
it's just so mundane, but it just, it makes so much sense and it's just so funny the way they twist
it. So yeah, like putting on the chips, I thought I'd written down a list, but I haven't made a look
of things, looking at my notes. I thought I'd written down a list of those things, but for somebody

(52:19):
who's didn't, I would love to have seen, I don't, she didn't get on it, she says she applied to get on
it. Christine on Wheel of Fortune. I admit, Niki Campbell and Karen Smiley,
was a, was a Colin says, he says, "Asore scraping bunch out of her one screen, we actually had the
cast." She was a very smiley that thing. What makes that so much funnier is you know that they all

(52:45):
know Carol Smiley. And they're not, yeah, no doubt. Their paths will of course many a time over the years
and just make a joke about Carol Smiley. One of Scotland's sweethearts is, yeah, hilarious that
they've done that, but yeah, absolutely brilliant. Yeah, Christine is just, without a doubt,
you're right, she doesn't need Sophie to bounce off and it does almost work better. I hadn't

(53:07):
thought about that, but you're right, that is kind of the reason that they always take her in,
or you know, she's just herself, you know, she doesn't have Sophie anymore, so I'd say natural,
so that's why it does work very well. And you're right, the wonderful, the other one that had me
crack it up. I did say we will just be talking about Christine's life is when Gordon comes in,

(53:30):
and he says, "Hello Christine, how are you?" And she just deadpan, I've been to Wales.
And the level of just depression, the sort of, the roastness of her voice is just beautiful,
just the way I've been to Wales. She talks about Sophie's man, he comes in the stairs,

(53:53):
he's bare feet in his underwear, sets watch and cartoons. I've done myself an injustice here.
I have got a section of my notes, the simple things that make you love the show in terms of
the blowing on the chips. The chat in the pub about the two courses for 7.95 or 3.4.9.50.
That is just such a, that is a chat you would have, and you've recognized that, but you don't want to

(54:17):
bring it up, but you're kind of, "Oh everyone's after a bargain, but it's good." In the same episode,
they're all struggling with the sachets of sauce in the pub. Again, a simple thing, but it just,
it's funny out of it, Christine wanting to be asked the questions when they've been at the pub quiz,
but getting the answers wrong or just criticizing the questions, you know, that's such a thing if
you don't know the answer. That's a stupid fucking question. We all know people that are like that.

(54:40):
You know, really do. And Alan saying you can eat three twixes in a row.
Thanks, sometimes just likes to park his pants somewhere quiet. Although, although,
although he's only in that one episode in this series, Grado, as Alan, he may be laugh when he's

(55:01):
talking about Michelle having an app in her phone, that tells us that there's a wheel arm, a wheel arm
that was off, that tells us something the best, time to get rode. Oh, I was in fucking creasing up at that line.
It's so bloated. He's such a, yeah, simple character, Alan. Yeah. The introduction, he doesn't change
in terms of, I did find that that's a cup of tea, a phanta and a beer I've had offer, you know, in terms of

(55:27):
playing, just because of the neighbors. But yeah, I, yeah, he's a very, very funny character in the,
the small part that we saw. No airs and graces, just says what it is, you know, he's not kind of
joining the conversation, but when it does come to stuff that he knows about or he likes, he is
enthusiastic when, yeah, speaking about the tile cutter and he's like, I've got one that'll cut through,

(55:49):
like, fucking butter. And, you know, like, Michelle, Michelle, horrified that he's,
um, the stuff he's saying in front of their new neighbors. It's just, I think what, what I like about
to a door is down is the way that all the characters are enthusiastic about the most sort of benign

(56:10):
kind of Scottish things, you know, like, homemade chips made in a pan, for example, you know,
and how it make a good chip, but he, this Bernstein episode with a haggis, all that kind of stuff,
it's just, you know, they get enthusiastic about it, you know, you know, they, they're benana bread.
It will be fine with a lot of butter on it. You know, it's just, it's, and, really, the,

(56:39):
the character who seems to instigate it a lot of the time is calling. Yeah, you know, when he's,
but they're all enthusiastic, he's all enthusiastic about going up to the dump. I'm not like,
I'm, I'm sure of all the one people that have loved taking stuff to the dump. Yeah. Oh, it's,
it's familiar, you know. Yeah, people do. And you ask your neighbors and friends, I've got the dump,

(57:01):
you want anything you're wanting to take there. Um, another great Christine line, which she says,
part from the back to go the base of a single bed on a bus to the dump.
Such a throwaway line, but just makes you laugh so much that you just, you've never meet that,
that you just didn't visit this. Yeah, hard woman just taking the base of a single bed on a

(57:25):
fucking Glasgow bus. So I went up to the hospital with some pajamas and a banana for her, it's,
because she's been attacked by her dog getting a bit, I, I better thick ham at the fridge, you know,
it's the way it, it becomes about the ham and not about the fact that part is being bitten badly enough
to be, uh, to be taken to the hospital, kept it over and out, you know, it's like good thick ham,

(57:50):
female archs, especially us. She has a, you wouldn't say that Christine is a nasty streak as such. She
does, but not hugely. I mean, the worst thing she does in the episodes we watched is outgordon
to his dad on the floor. And she doesn't do on purpose, but when she realises what she's done,

(58:12):
she just hands the phone back to and walks away to get her, to get her, to get her, never mentions it again,
never apologize. Never asks if he's doing it. It's just like, oh, she knows she shouldn't have done that,
but it's like, okay, if I ignore it, then it'll go away. And, yeah, brilliant. She's a good example

(58:34):
of that generation, because it's a generation that my, that my mum comes from. And that generation
cannot apologize for anything, that's all. No matter how major or minor the infraction might be,
they'll never apologize for it. I don't know what it is. It's just, it's really because their
parents went through the war or what, but there's a lot, there's, there's a lot of apologies,

(58:56):
and there's a lot of revisionist history as well. Because I was talking to somebody the other day about,
we're talking about how, was Halloween the other week, we're talking about Halloween cautions. And I
remember, like, my mum sent me off to a Cubs Halloween party, dressed up, was it, she, she, she made a
dish dash from a, from a, from a dush sheet, yeah, in my step, the step that I had for these motorbikes,

(59:18):
she made this, it was quite crafty in my mum, she made a really good dish dash, and then she put
foundation on my face, so I would look Arabic, and drew a wee mustache with her eyeliner pen on my
top lip, and then made me take one of my toy rifles with me over my shoulder, so I looked like a sort of
1970s stereotypical Arabic freedom fighter/tenerest that we all call them. And I was telling, so I was

(59:43):
reminding her of this when she was here, we're talking to, because they were here about a year ago,
just after Halloween, and we're talking about my daughters about it, and I was like, "oh, remember,
mum, let you dress me up as an Arab for the Cubs?" And she was like, "I did not." I said, "you did,
I said, you put foundation on my face, so I would look Arabic, and my daughters are obviously
modern children, and that's just a horrifying thing to imagine." And I was like, "don't listen to

(01:00:10):
them girls, that's absolute rubbish!" So, there's a lot, there's a lot, sometimes, that makes very,
very, very, very few things that Christine does just reminds me of my mother sometimes, you know?
Is that also the implication maybe your mum's a bit horrified that you're telling this story
in front of your daughters who, as obviously are their modern young girls, of course they're

(01:00:35):
horrified by that. And she's like, "no, no, no, I didn't do that, I didn't do that, no,
I don't think so." I don't think it's that, because she will challenge my daughters' modern sensibilities
quite a lot, my mother, you know, so she will. She's very, she's very set in her ways. She's said,
yeah, she doesn't understand a lot of modern nuance, shall we say.

(01:00:57):
You get that from the show as well, as you said, like a lot of the things start with Colin, and
Colin does have a lot of things he says, like the writer, sorry, I mean, Carlisle, it's obviously passed
away, he was gay, and that's where a lot of like, Ian's storylines come from. And Colin does say quite

(01:01:18):
a few things that could be class as homophobic, but it's done in a way that it's poking fun at Colin
and being ignorant. Like, when he's saying things like it's nice to see Ian and Gordon in a mainstream
venue, when he asks them if they met online or in a park, when he says that he went to a gay bar and
he enjoyed it, but he didn't go with the toilet. He just talked to a really nice Moroccan guy in

(01:01:44):
a leather jacket, or when he comes back, when he's pished in the pub, but he comes back and he's telling
Gordon, like, there was a guy in the toilet and his trousers are sound disankled. She could see the lot,
like, it's so inappropriate, but we all know people like that that would say those things,
thinking that they are being kind of forward thinking and that they are being, they're a man of

(01:02:07):
the world, it's okay, but they're just saying the wrong thing. And just completely putting it out
there, but yeah, but I mean, the implication is that Colin's not adverse to a bad outdoor play either.
Yeah, Kathy does a boot of ad, isn't she? Yes, yeah, certainly does. And again, great, Jonathan
Watson, fantastic in this, he's a great actor and it's similar. I mean, I watched a little clip of

(01:02:36):
an interview him in Elaine C Smith did. I think last week or the week before, obviously, to promote
the stage show that was coming up. And I think it was Dez Clarke that was interviewing them on the
radio and he said, obviously, you know, God, you know, you were in city lights together. So obviously,
you've known each other for years and they were like, well, actually, we went to like theater school

(01:02:59):
together. So we've known each other for years. And Elaine C Smith says, he tried to crack onto me,
you know, like, back in the day. And he obviously did because Jonathan Watson was like, well, I was a
lot better looking back then. So I thought, I thought, I might have a chance. But they've known each other
for years and years and you think if they should together, wouldn't they? Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.

(01:03:19):
You get the, the release ships there. And but Jonathan Watson, just his, he, the face, the
expression he gives that fish Friday, his pest acting is phenomenal because he's just that
right level of annoying, but he's not causing too much of a scene. But they're just, they're just
wanting rid of him because he's pished, but he's just wanting to be part of it and enjoy

(01:03:43):
and he keeps repeating the same things. It's just, it's exactly like a pest person. The poverty. Exactly.
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. He's dressing happy birthday. Yeah.
And to live with the mind of like, when he's, because he does kind of have a heart to heart,
but Gordon outside, when he's asking if you, how can you tell if someone's gay, I could
somebody's tell lesbians, but not guys. And then what he, yeah, obviously says to, he's got the photo

(01:04:08):
from Kathy and he's showing everyone. He says to Eric, I can't show you it's a photo of Kathy's chuff.
You don't hear the word chuff. You used a lot nowadays. Yeah. Why was this in me a picture of a flag?
It's, it must have pained him when they're, they're doing kind of their, their party pieces.

(01:04:29):
And so he does the shitest Sean Connery impression. No. We obviously know how good George the
Watson is. It impressions from, do you know, all the skis for so many years. And it, it must take
it's quite a skill to do a bad impression of someone knowing that you can probably nail that.
Absolutely. Spawn. But it's, yeah, it's wonderful that if doing that and kind of sending

(01:04:53):
himself up in a way as well. Yeah. He's brilliant. And you, but you think about the, you know,
the difference between the character of Colin and his character and Bob Servan. You know what I mean?
Yeah. Although I could imagine Colin having right on time as his ringtone.
And the thing is, well, putting him together with Dune Michikin as a couple is kind of perfect

(01:05:16):
because I don't know if she's particularly tall or particularly short, but because she's so much
taller than him, it just, you know, as soon as they arrive, before either of them is said anything.
You know that if you're watching that for the first time in these two characters appear before
they've said one line, you know it's going, you know that they're just funny. It's funny, right?

(01:05:39):
I think it's, I, you know, funnily enough, I've watched this as it went out. I've watched it countless
times. So many episodes, I will stick on episodes just occasionally. And when I watched Erick's
Colond, it did strike me so much when they come in and get their dressed up because they're going
to go out for dinner. And Kathy's wearing like these big high heeled Kina clogs and she's like

(01:06:03):
have two-foot taller than Colin. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, I know Jonathan Watson is, he's not the tallest,
but I think Dune is quite tall, but like, I think she is. The difference is incredible. And I was
like, wow, it really took me back just watching that. And I think you're right, there are, there are
similarities in a way though to his character from Bob Servan. And he is kind of put down upon and

(01:06:27):
he does, you know, everything that Kathy will ask of it to you. And when he has to, to message
his ex-girlfriend, a phone on Facebook to get her to call him just to say, he doesn't speak to it again.
He's never contacted me again, you fake titted bitch. He's really bad, you know, and he does,

(01:06:48):
he worships Kathy and does everything for her. You know, he often makes Kathy an omelette if she's
wasted and can't get anything solid down. That's, you know, he puts up with so much. I can imagine that,
you know, when they've been bargoed and he finds the spunk and she's like, I want everything gone,
everything. Even then he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, it's a bit hasty, but he's still going to go along

(01:07:11):
with it and get rid of everything because that's what he wants to do. I mean, Dune is Kathy.
I mean, this is, this might be her best run, I think, you know, that episode, the episode,
when they've broken into it, which is just, which is her exclamation when she's like freaking out
about, first of all, strangers being in their house going through their things, then when she finds out

(01:07:35):
that somebody's wanked into her underwear, she's just, she excels, the spunk got off my pants.
I want everything out of that house now. Every single pair of pants out of that drawer and into the
bin. Kathy, no, that's a bit drastic. There is spunk all over my pants. What'd you expect me to do?

(01:08:00):
Well, a boil wash, now we've got a vanishing. She's so funny.
But yet she's still like, obviously devastated at this, she'll go over the top, but that's the same
episode like Gordon's getting his trousers altered. And she's still like, no, you have to stay in
bare legs. And she's still that. I think you're right. I think this is Kathy's peak because,

(01:08:21):
and the first season, so she's a little bit, she is still Kathy, but this season, it kind of ramps
up, but then I think later, it almost goes a bit too much because she does have Michelle to kind of
us arrival. But it goes a wee bit too far in the last, the very last moments of the last episode of
the CDs, when she was a bigger, some wee bit too. She goes a bit, that goes a bit over the top, I think.

(01:08:46):
Yeah. I think her, her lines are just a little bit, I mean, I think one of the peaks is, for me,
is the episode with Ian and Gordon when they've come back from Amsterdam early. And she's trying to
listen in, and just it's very slightly done, but very well done, wanting to know all the information.

(01:09:08):
But yeah, she's, she's just a fantastic, she's just an absolute force in, in every episode that she's
in when she's, it's the physicalness she brings to the comedy as well. When she grabs that leak,
and she's pretending to shove it up, Eric's ours, when he's on the sofa. And then, Eric's not amused,
and she's really pissed off that he's not finding this funny. It is, it's weird her, the way she is with

(01:09:38):
Gordon. It's kind of, you know, I mean, it's kind of weird that she's, you know, she's got to give
my kiss in the lips, you know. All that kind of thing. And then, you know, she makes them, that you
mentioned, they always got, got a sit in these boxes shorts until these trousers are altered,
the cap that she's sheens back on, and then, which she gets, well, say, and Gordon can then move to,

(01:09:58):
can I comfort her? She's like, okay, could you not leave me alone for a minute or something?
She will have the odd slide dig at the prime supper. So, Gordon, are you have vegetarian?
Because you feel sorry for the animals, or because you like the attention? It's, you know,
and it's a fucking, as a vegetarian, I can say, that is a fucking brilliant lie because it is true.

(01:10:19):
You do get that kind of stigma that your heart is doing it for attention. But yeah, absolutely,
fucking brilliant performance from her. The only time you actually see her have a soft side is when
Colin buys her the, the star for her Christmas present. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you see a brief kind of,
like, a tender moment and you get to see kind of Kathy as, as a nice person and appreciative of the

(01:10:44):
gift. Okay, she's a little bit like the big one and he's like, no, no, small, you can see her face drop
a little bit, but she does love it. And okay, it's massaging her ego. She now has a star called Kathy,
which, you know, is probably also owned by about 450 other people that they've sold that star too,
but it's, it still shows that she does have the soft side there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. And

(01:11:08):
the thing about her as well, you mentioned it before that she's so, she's really physical. I remember when
she was on Smacklipony. And she was, you know, a lot of the time, it's quite a lot of kind of physical
humor. And then, and then this one, she does the crab. Yeah, in 11 room, they get in the party
pieces episode and she's able to do the crab and stick her and put one leg right up in the air.

(01:11:31):
That kind of thing, you know, she's, she's kind of like, I really throw away a line of hers that really
may be last was when there she's talking about her house to Michelle. And they're talking about the hot
tub. And she says, I know I had it drained after a soil bird stick. It's head in it. I think, I think,

(01:11:52):
I think I've said this before on the pod, maybe. But it was around about this time. So,
three, four, the two doors, I was really kind of taking off and everyone was watching it. And
like my family were watching it and other Scottish friends in Dubai were watching it that were
friends of my family. My sister got called Kathy for quite a while because people thought it was quite

(01:12:17):
similar. Now my sister doesn't drink. So there's not that. But there are slight similarities.
The nice, the nice parts, but the bluntness as well. So things like the, do you feel sorry for the
animal? So you just like the attention. But the, the great line from when you have Gordon kind of

(01:12:37):
introduced and it's, it's the burn supper. Night that Kathy's going mental about a Vaughan. And
Christine just turns to Gordon says, this happens a lot, Gordon, she goes fucking kuku with a drink.
They just all accept it that this is what happens. This is just running in the mill stuff for them.

(01:12:59):
They see it every day. But yeah, but it is just a regular thing when Michelle says, you know,
oh, I think I saw her coming out of taxi at like a living o'clock stumbling and call it, so yeah,
she was at the yoga. So this is real. The Christine says when, when she turns down a sandwich,

(01:13:22):
Christine says, Kathy says, oh, are you watching? Are you watching your carbs? Michelle says, oh,
I do try to and Kathy's yummy too. Christine goes to like a part of him when she's hammered but she's
doing it with Chippin or slippers. But no, you're doing welcome drinks. I would have invited you to
ours. Would you like a cup of tea, Kathy? Or a wine bath, I'm easy. There's a banana loaf about to

(01:13:45):
make an appearance, Kathy. Oh, none for me. Thanks, Beth. Are you carb free? I try. I try to, Michelle.
No, until she's fucked with the drink, now she's doing the Chippin or slippers. I think that's a
genius thing. We never actually really see that side. We do see your piss, but we never see that
side of her, but it's mentioned a lot. And when she's giving Christine the bag, she's like, well, you

(01:14:08):
might need to wipe it out at a cabab in there the last time. Oh, she's back. Yeah. We get all these
stories of drunk Kathy doing these things. We never see them, which makes it all the better.
I think, for at least, I should say, the COVID. Oh, yeah, COVID. Do you remember I saw that woman with a
cock? That was, I guess that was on their trip to Amsterdam. Yeah, I do like that line when

(01:14:38):
Collins says, all right, it's all drugs and sex, she was in prostitutes. We're booked up to go in October.
Fucking idiot. Yeah, wonderful, wonderful from me. I mean, obviously it seems a shame, but I think
this was kind of probably similar when we spoke about the first series. I mean, Beth and Eric,
Alibere, we are, Alibere, Alibere, we are, and Alex Noren, but you know, effectively, they are the

(01:15:03):
main characters of the show really. They are the ones that are in the promotional material. They are
the whole point of them. Every episode really starts with them and they are the main theme running
through, but they're kind of always forgotten about at times because they don't have those massive
laugh out loud moments. They're not eccentric characters. They are, no, I guess, they are eyes

(01:15:27):
into this world because they're just the normal people that, and they never, it's very rarely
lose. Eric snaps at one point in this series purely because his arses and tatters and he said to put
up with all these people in his house and then they're spocked about ordering a pizza. He's like, no,
get out. But then it bites him in the arse effectively because then he sits down in defiance and

(01:15:53):
realizes his sphincter is still in tatters. Well, they're sort of the, they're kind of the, I suppose
they're kind of straight, man and woman, aren't they? And a lot of the time, Eric is kind of saying
probably what we're saying. Because the other characters abuse really best hospitality,

(01:16:15):
so much, because a lot of the there are times when Eric's invested in the gathering,
like the Bordesuppare episode, for example, or when they invite Michelle and Alan over to get to
know them and all that kind of thing. He's invested in that and he's part of it, but the Christmas
episode, when they look forward to the kind of quiet Christmas themselves, they've got the

(01:16:39):
meat turkey crown and everything and he's kind of, he's the best invite in people because you feel
sorry for them because Kathy and Colin have missed out on their flight because of a baggage hand
or signal air traffic control strike or something and Christine's on her own because Sophie's not there
and all that. She feels sorry for them and invites them and then Colin and Gordon end up being there

(01:17:03):
as well and there's not enough food to go around. And Eric's going to say all the things that
we're probably thinking ourselves. I think don't ask them to say, you know, because we know that
there's not enough to go around. You know what I mean? He's saying what we're thinking in the episode
when he's laid up as well and you are thinking, oh, these this poor guy of only so much. You know

(01:17:25):
he's just saying that he's a little bugger off. But yeah, it's the good nature of, you know what's
coming and it's a typical example of, you know, Beth cooking the chips, Beth doing the all of Kathy's
washing, washing, yes, like she just can't stand to touch it herself. She's just coming at one
point and say it's like a Chinese laundry and I was like, is that, is that racist? Do you like to

(01:17:48):
say that? Can you say that? Don't know. But when it does try to, well, they do try to do something,
you know, like, Eric, such a good soul dresses up his Santa for Madison's first Christmas and
you think, why is there a big burn mark in the beard? And it's probably the back was light in a
bag, which was weighted it, it's called fire. And then of course, goes on fire again later when

(01:18:12):
he tries to light the Christmas pudding. But they're trying to do good things and trying to
get nice people. But just these people just constantly interrupting them.
I mean, I think that they do feel like a really authentic couple at that stage in their lives,
and Eric. Right, one particular example of that is when, is the Christmas episode, and

(01:18:36):
Christine's there with, that maybe Madison in Eric, you know, obviously, their son has grown up
and left and kind of flown the cook, you know, and they're sort of empty nesters and they stick
all, you know, go and get the Santa costume and, you know, do something special for the baby. And
it does feel like a really authentic kind of gesture, but a couple who have raised their children

(01:18:59):
and sent them off out of the world, you know, and they just, you know, just taking a wee moment to
do something nice for somebody else's kid, you know, I mean, it's just, you know, they do,
I took that, the only thing I sometimes think, you know, there's only so much that Beth is going to
put up with, you know, they just agreeing to wander all those their cat who's always.

(01:19:20):
You know, that took a wee bit of a, you just think, it's only so much before she says,
like, oh, we go. Yeah, wash your old fucking clothes, you know.
Yeah, she does just have to put up with so much, that's the thing. But yeah, they're not a couple of
points in the series where she does break, but it's, it's not often. And yeah, but you're right,

(01:19:42):
they are just such a genuine kind of nice couple, they're just happy with their, their lot, and,
you know, they, they poke a little fun kind of each other when they're speaking about renovations to
the house. And it's like, well, we've got that new radiator. And Beth kind of gives a look of,
you know, as if, chew, chew, probably like to remodel the house and stuff, but yeah, also,

(01:20:03):
what's the point? They're happy with what they have and, you know, they're nice surroundings and
they don't want all the stuff that, you know, Kathy has, which obviously doesn't use because
in the kitchen, she doesn't know. Oh, I've got, you know, like the, the, the host, like the
restaurants and, you know, look at this. She's a fan in here somewhere. Yeah. It's like,

(01:20:24):
when Michelle says she looks for someone a bit more functional, she's horrified by that.
The great line, the toilet, that's functional. You do a shite and a weight goes. Yeah.
She's waiting, she, she compliments Michelle's jeans and she's waiting for Michelle to say something
nice back to her about what she's waiting. She doesn't say anything, you know, you just see her face,

(01:20:46):
and of course she's trying to impress like, oh, yes, in a hotel in Dubai. Have you been to Dubai, Michelle?
She's like, yeah, and she's quite put out at that fact that, oh, she's been there as well.
It's not a case she can show off and that is the, as I say, I think that is the end almost of Kathy

(01:21:07):
because then she does become like a rival. Michelle is her nemesis and a lot of her stories
from going on are trying to one up Michelle effectively. And I guess is that because Colin
becomes quite enamored with Michelle as serious goes on, but Kathy seems oblivious to that,
really. And she's serious arrival. Of course, I mean, Joy Markovoy, we spoke about Gradle, but Joy

(01:21:33):
Markovoy as Michelle. It's a brief kind of appearance, but she's, she's really good in this episode.
Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think because I know her from subsequent series and episodes,
I mean, she's not my favourite character, Michelle, to be honest, you know what, I mean, she's fine.
And it's a shame because I mean, I do quite like Joy Markovoy, but I don't know if she's a great actor.

(01:21:59):
You know what I mean? Gradle is, wait, we've seen Gradle when like Scott Scwards,
and he's really funny in Scott Scwards, and he's really good in this. And I just think, you know, maybe
it's just the way that the character's written to be fair to Joy, but I don't know, like I think
I'd like a kind of better foil for Gradle on it, you know, it's, you know, she's good when she's

(01:22:22):
kind of bossing them about, you know, she's trying to get them to mind these peas and cures and these
ears and graces. That's good. And that, you know, that, that, that dynamic works well, but I don't know
that it's, it's, it's uncomfortable with the whole herring Catholic thing at points, you know,
it's not always that funny. And I don't know if that's just the way that, the way that she plays it,

(01:22:43):
or the way that it's written, I don't know, but I'd forgotten that series three was their first. I
always think of those characters coming in quite late. Yeah, but that's, they're actually in like three
series and a couple of Christmas specials, right? Yeah, it's funny. I think exactly the same. I think
that they come later. I was quite shocked when was picked series three, and then I was looking at it,

(01:23:05):
and I was like, oh, Alan and Michelle, they appeared already. I thought it was like, yeah, series four,
at least they, they came in. I thought we had a little bit more of a run of just kind of the core
characters, but obviously not. Yeah. I guess speaking of the core characters with key ren Hodgson
comes in as Gordon. Okay. I think when we did series one, I had said, I'd kind of forgotten about jazz,

(01:23:26):
and I did say in the episode like a preferred Gordon. I, I stand by that. Obviously he is just fantastic.
Nothing against jazz. He was okay. A cracking bulge apparently. According to Christina
Kathy, but Gordon just adds a different dynamic because it's because of course he's English,

(01:23:47):
because of he's, he's a bit awkward, but he's trying to make an effort. I love the fact that he's,
you know, calls Mr. Mrs. Bayard, you know, it's, when they're singing Happy Birthday to Beth,
that he's just, happy birthday, Mrs. Bayard. It's like, it's so lovely. He's just this naive little guy,
but he's, he's a brilliant character. Absolutely. Yeah.

(01:24:10):
Fantastic. Please, it's so well. They, they, because they, in, in some respects, he and jazz have got
a bit in common in the sense that they're both in the north of England. They're both a,
kind of fish out of water in that quite Scottish dynamic, but key ren Hodgson for the
guy to a Gordon, he seems to take all the things that worked well with jazz and, and sort of magnify

(01:24:33):
them and can I make them his own? Yeah. You know, and, and, but he does, you know, like this, sort of
desire to kind of chip in and help out and not want to be too much trouble to Beth and all that kind
of thing. I don't really remember jazz being like that. That's, you know, that's all quite,
that's all very Gordon, you know? Yeah. But, but yeah, they, he's, he plays awkwardness so well, and I

(01:24:58):
tell you what, his belief, uh, performance as an American barista in the flash. Very, very good.
It was wonderful. Is he in pop-up in that? I mean, I did think, I, I meant to, I, I kind of, I thought
earlier this week and I forgot to actually do it was to compile, uh, like a top Trumps of

(01:25:20):
Scottish actors you know that have been in super-heatful films. Obviously, inspired by Matt Castello
in Wonder Woman 84, Keirin Hodgson of The Flash. Yeah. You think of any others? Like, I'm talking like,
you know, I'm not talking about a big like Brian Coitzer, like Brian Cox and X-Men or something.
Yeah. I'm talking about, oh, I guess Greg Hempel in Deadpool Wolverine is like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(01:25:43):
Yeah. Yeah. Sort of like, I'd love to see like, I don't know, Bobby the Barman pop up in Dr. Strange or
something. Like, yeah, yeah, somebody like that, um, just, uh, but I couldn't think of, I, I forgot
to research and see, but I bet there's quite a few that, yeah, I'm kind of racking my brains really,
in terms of sort of, kind of, regulars on the swallow. Um, there's been too many, apart from the ones

(01:26:07):
that you mentioned, I can, no one can have springs to mind, really. I wonder if there'll be someone in,
like, the new Spider-Man film, because I know, I, I listened to another Scottish podcast and one of
the guys on that was like an extra in the new Spider-Man film, played this New York cop, didn't have any

(01:26:27):
lightens, but still got to be involved in the process. So I just wondered if, you know, much like,
because the Flash was obviously filmed in Glasgow, that's why Keirin Hodgson got the role of the
American Brewster, if, if anyone like that would pop up, but well, I'll, I'll, I'll do a bit of research
and, um, see if I come up with anything and we can talk about that maybe on the next episode. But,

(01:26:47):
yeah, yeah, Gordon is such a, as you say, it's, it's, it's the niceness of, he's round at, the,
you know, his boyfriend's parents, so he, he's kind of on his best paper, but he's trying to fit in.
The only time he really, not loses it, but you see the bit of a, is, is when him and him, you know,
come back from Amsterdam and he does, do the, yeah, just cock in your hand. No, you had just cock in your

(01:27:08):
head, yeah, is, is a little bit of slap. There is, there is an episode in a later series, isn't it,
when he gets drunk? And that, yeah, thanks. Yeah. And I seem to remember that was,
yeah, very good acting. Um, and of course, he tries to do his party piece of jumping over the hedge,
which, which doesn't quite go well to plan, but it was lovely to have Gordon in this,
this, the series into, yeah, the difference, I, yeah, I, I feel bad for saying better than jazz,

(01:27:34):
but he is better than jazz. Yeah, he's definitely a lot more memorable as a character than jazz. And,
you know, I think they give, they give him a, they give him a, they give that character a lot more to do,
maybe than they gave jazz, as well, you know, potentially, and maybe that's why, you know, Gordon,
got his, you know, he's, they get him to do the, the hurdle at the end of the party,

(01:27:55):
PC's episodes, he's got to jump over the, the, the, the bush. Yeah, okay, Kathy, should I get him
to run around the room and run up and down the stairs to show off how good he isn't running.
Yeah, you're right. I think the, one of the, the main things, uh, jazz was always very,
kind of nervous. He always got a nervous look. And, and I guess the character, he was signed off work

(01:28:15):
with anxiety and that, that led to, I guess, the, the kind of nervous looks. With Gordon,
it's more of just the fish out of water, kind of, uncomfortableness, but it is, they do make a point of it
in the episodes when he sings 500 miles. Yeah. And it, you know, it's a great time and he seems quite
pleased to himself and Colin says to him, you know, ah, jazz, we'd never made a vars himself like,

(01:28:38):
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it is meant to be encouraging, like, good on you, you know,
but it also a little bit of a, a kind of barbed dig, they'd as well. Yeah, yeah.
Now, obviously he ends up with the actual haggis when they're having that, but I did notice that
Eric uses the same knife to cut the normal haggis as the vegetarian haggis, so better cross-contamination

(01:29:00):
they'd anyway, but never mind. Yeah, I saw that as well. Um, but yeah, you know, you, you sort of see
that coming, you know, it's, but you just didn't just see the big haggis in the plate and the
wee haggis sitting beside it. Yeah, you're just waiting. And of course, it has to be Colin that says,
this haggis tastes a bit funny. It's a bit bitty. Yeah, and definitely see that. It's when, um, it's when

(01:29:23):
they're talking about the carcass of the chicken of the, of the turkey or the chicken. And um,
Christine says, oh, yeah, you need to use the carcass to go to save the carcass to make good stock.
And someone says, Christine Gordon's a vegetarian shrimp. Oh, sorry, skeleton.

(01:29:45):
I don't know why I mean, I wouldn't be offended if someone was talking about a carcass or anything.
It's a fire in, that's okay. But yeah, lovely little way. I've forgotten as well, just going to
you know, it's about the, um, uh, Jonathan Watson being pushed, of course, in the pub. And when he says,
just because Kathy's away, I'm no sure how fire into, to bear. Yeah. I couldn't anyway, unless I was

(01:30:07):
really pushed. Yeah, yeah, perfect. Yeah, because obviously it's not, that's not sort of
parlance that I hear very often have been married for over, you know, almost 20 years. But I remember
right, my old flatmate when I first moved back to Glasgow, if ever I had been out, yeah, there was
sort of two questions he would ask, or two, or two ways of asking the same question. If ever I'd

(01:30:31):
been out like on a date or something or if I mentioned that I might have, I might have like,
kind of pulled the girl, when I've been out the night before, he would either say, you firing in or
he would say, "Bosy?" Hello, Flee. What was the long time, my boy? It's a long time, my boy.
Yeah, it was different time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay, say that. So yeah, of course, um,

(01:30:54):
obviously the show had gone through a little bit of an odd patch with Simon Carlisle passing away,
and wasn't kind of known what was happening. Um, but of course it is coming back for a Christmas show,
and then as we do now in Scotland for big shows, it's coming back as a stage show. It's going to be the

(01:31:15):
Hydro in next September and October in Glasgow next year. So it'll be really good to see the, the sort of,
two doors down live show, and it's perfect for a live show as well to be able to do in that environment.
And I guess hot on the heels of a still game doing that. Yeah, I mean, I saw the first still game at

(01:31:37):
the Hydro show. No, I didn't see it in person because they recorded it. I saw it, they broadcast it at
some point. I watched it in the telly. And it was kind of, that was them kind of reuniting,
because famously Greg Hemphill and almost a Gregor Fisher there, fucking I can't remember his name.
It's a Ford Ford. And Jesus Christ, that's the call of the titic line. And they sort of famously

(01:32:00):
had a bit of a, I don't know, I don't know, they fell out, but I think they sort of started working
together before they fell out, you know? And I remember watching it and not really enjoying it because
it was a stage show. So there was a lot of like set pieces, I remember a bit with a big sort of
body would seem with everybody. And I just, I was like, well, you know, I look at a cheering when

(01:32:22):
characters came on the stage and things and there's something, I find still game quite an intimate,
quite an intimate comedy show. But I think four, two doors down is even more intimate because it's
you know, it's, they've rarely, in the, in the course of an episode, they rarely change set, you know?
I mean, they go from one room to the other. I think they, in this series, there's hardly any.

(01:32:44):
I think the only moment in this series where they change set an episode is the last episode
when they go around the cathesies to show, to show Michelle around their house. But in all the other
episodes, it's all just in a, it's all where they start, you know, they start off, well, the pub one,
they're in the house for a minute, but mostly, mostly it's all just whenever they've started.
And I don't know, I don't know because I imagine that, you know, it's a, it's a beloved comedy show,

(01:33:09):
especially in Scotland. You know, imagine, you know, they, Christine walks out on the stage for the
first time, there's a big cheer. Yeah. It's, it's kind of weird. It's, because there's no laugh,
there's no laughter track around the known two doors down. Still game has got a laugh track, right?
Yeah, where the slip, where two doors down doesn't, you know? I think you're right. And in terms of

(01:33:31):
still game, it does lend itself. Like, I know I, I was the same. I watched the, the stage show and it
doesn't seem at a place, Jack Invictor coming out and talking to the audience. Yeah. We've, it's,
that kind of works, but I, you're right. I cannot imagine anybody coming out and speaking to the
audience for, for the two doors down. So I don't know how it's going to work, but because everyone's,

(01:33:53):
it's classical. Everyone's going to be pissed off and wanting to enjoy and cheer and stuff, but,
yeah, I just, I don't know how it's going to work, but I'll be very intrigued. And I wonder if we'll
get to see it, if they will film it or, because the second still game live show, they, they never filmed
that, did they? Well, it's never been broadcast. Apparently, they haven't filmed it and they don't

(01:34:14):
plan to broadcast it, but you, you know, you, you never know. You know, I mean, if they, maybe if they
did the same way as the original still game show before they became characters on tune the fat,
you know, the, yes, the first thing that we ever covered on the, on the podcast, five years ago,
it might work better than that situation, you know what I mean? Because you've got that sort of

(01:34:36):
intimacy, all the, you know, one say, all the characters kind of coming in and out, rather than,
you know, this big, bombastic sort of live show. Just, I don't know. I'm,
being interested to see how they go about it. Yeah, it'll be interesting to see the setup as well
of how they have the, the stage laid out, because of course, it's not as if there is just like one

(01:34:56):
fixed wall in your Erickin bets that the camera is always all over the place, everyone's sitting
in different side to the room. So it's going to be interesting, but yeah, we'll see if it pans out.
Yeah. I did read a, an ice-little quote about Simon Carlisle who, you know,
related and wrote and passed away and Elaine C Smith was asked about him and said, obviously,

(01:35:17):
you know, missed him deeply and the show isn't sure without him. And it's a, but we reckon that Simon
was actually the way he'd written it was he was all three of the women in the show.
Kathy was his drag queen persona. Right. Beth was the good person that he wanted to be inside,

(01:35:38):
but Christine was who he really was. Right. I like to think that. And maybe that's why
Christine has effectively the best lines. Yeah. Is the funniest because that's, that's who he was in
that way. So nice to hear that. Yeah. So shall we put two of those down series three through the
Swale Awards? Let's go for it Greg, of course. So the first award then is usually our Bobby the

(01:36:04):
Barman award for the best pub. It's only one pub in the, in the, in the episode, it's the fish-fried
episode where they could take Beth out for a birthday. So I guess it makes sort of a wins-by-the-falt
really, doesn't it? Yeah, I look like a weather spoon, um, yeah, pub reminded me a little bit like the
foundry in Aberdeen or something or yeah, pub like that, but yeah, we'll have a pint there. Why not?

(01:36:25):
What was the, what was it called? The Grandery, the Fountry was called, I mean before it was the
Fountry, wasn't it? Yeah. Yes, that's right. Yeah, the Grandery. So you can remember that. I can't
remember fucking Ford Cunen. Um, the next award then is James Cosmo Award for being in all things
Scottish. For me, I had to give it to Alex Norton, really, because I think he's the most prolific

(01:36:46):
Scottish actor in the production. Yeah, I mean, I think Watson would push him, but not that much,
if you know what I mean, Norton, definitely. I mean, Jonathan Watson has been a lot of stuff that,
you know, we've covered, I need to double check actually the Swally Tally. I think,
Watson's in the top three, you know, I think along with Norton, but when you think of things like

(01:37:10):
the silly season, for example, yeah, Jonathan Watson in that, but for the amount of stuff, Norton's
been in, it has to be Alex Norton, yeah. So next the board then is the Jake McQuillan, your T-Zoot
award. What did you choose for this one? I mean, there's only really two things to pick from.
I, I did put Colin falling off the chair and Beth's cake landing on the floor, but,

(01:37:33):
because it was kind of unexpected, you know, although you're kind of thinking when he's standing on
the chair, someone's going to happen here and they do keep kind of focusing on the cake, but yeah,
I went with that. What about yourself? I, I had Eric's arse when he sits down heavily at the end of
actually that's better. Yeah, we'll go with that. That was good.

(01:37:54):
Um, next then would you usually be the Yume Gregor award for good sure to should you do today,
but as it's a sitcom in the BBC, so nobody takes a close off apart from no Keir and Hodgkin have
these trousers off to get them to his measurements taken. So the next award I found very, very difficult
to narrow it down, but that's the Francis Bag be award for Gritio de Slaingwidge. Because I mean,

(01:38:18):
there's not like a ton of Gritio de Slaingwidge, so when the F-bomb is dropped, it kind of makes them
all the more impactful, you know, it's always said with purpose, with reason to make a joke funnier,
I think. Yeah, you know, it's, and you know, you got Christine is probably the best person at it because

(01:38:39):
she's the kind of older character, you know, the sort of granny-ish character, and when there's
nothing funnier than a than a granny swearing, and it's the way that, you know, she's fairly well-spoken,
most of the time, and I think that she's making an effort to be quite well-spoken and everything,
but then, you know, like that, then I mentioned earlier when when she's remonstrating over the price

(01:39:02):
of the bacon that Yume picked her up at the supermarket, and he's like, you know, they're organic.
She's supposed to slap me, she says what it means that they're free to run her own, the farm,
she says, I don't care if they run her own with paper-pig or fucking cell, you know?
I think that, that may be my favourite. I think that that's one of, yeah, it was between that,

(01:39:24):
and I believe another one we've mentioned already on the episode, it's difficult not to, it's the
whole build-up in reaction to it is when they're in the pub, and she's genuinely, she's interested
asking what everyone's having, but it's because she's wanting to know in case of something better than
we've had, and when she asks Gordon about her sweet corn fritters, and just the deadpan delivery
when she says that sounds fucking horrible, son. It is just, yeah, beautiful, maybe a laugh so much,

(01:39:50):
but the paper-fucking-pig, Yume, just, ah, loved that as well, but yeah, I mean obviously,
I mean, just give it to all of Christine's moments, I think, probably the, I'm just using a
swaning. 100%, next day in archetypal, Scottish moment, what did you go for for this? I mean,
it has to be the bird's supper, nobody else is doing that, you know what I mean, I mean, I wish I

(01:40:11):
think it was a certain, because like sometimes I like to be a wee bit thoughtful, a bit, you know, a bit
sort of self-appreciating or whatever, but no, I thought it has to be the bird's supper. I went with
bird's supper, but purely the line that start in the beginning, you know, when Eric says about
Haggis, you know, when someone thinks of Scotland, they think of Haggis and then Beth says the proclaimer's

(01:40:34):
heart disease, life-trying, heroin and grex. It's like, thanks, Beth, you've just done my job for me.
Write that down, there we go. And then I fancy, I know your choice, I think, with a line with
mine, but the big time awards, who wins the CV3, two doors down. I initially put down, and it's purely

(01:40:59):
based on I think Fish Fry Day and some of the reactions Jonathan Watson. And then when I was going
through my notes to write down the awards, I was like, what the fuck am I doing? It's a lazy smith,
of course it is. I've got a full page of a lazy smith, best quotes, and she's the only character I've
done that for. So it is a lazy smith. I think we actually spoke about this probably on the when we

(01:41:22):
did CV1, because obviously in a later CV's, Kathy is missing, and you can take Kathy out of it in the
show survives in a way. I don't think you can take Christine out of two doors down, and it would be
the same at all. And it's wild, because she's not even in the pilot episode. No, I know, you know, it's
bizarre. But yeah, I think she's the glue that kind of holds everything together, and you can't have it

(01:41:47):
without her. So yeah, without a doubt, it's a lazy smith that wins it for me. Just beautiful character.
Yeah, absolutely brilliant. So if you want to watch the doors down, you can find out on BBC
Ags there, I think all the episodes are there, and I'm sure you can probably buy them as well.
Apart from the pilot, unfortunately, I would be, which is still taken down because of Dirt Day

(01:42:08):
Kevin Gutty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a shame it's a bell tour, but thankfully, I have it down
low to the heart. So I will be watching that over the festive period. I'm fucking love watching
that show. Yeah, wonderful. CV3, a two doors down. Well, Greg, that was my choice. So as we
hurtle towards our Christmas episode on the next episode of The Swally, why didn't you tell us what

(01:42:30):
we're going to be looking at? Well, I'll tell you why. I'm going to tell you, because I can't fucking
remember. So why don't you tell us, because we did discuss it. So what do we agree that we're
going to watch for our Christmas episode of The Colour's Valley? Two weeks from it. We agreed,

(01:42:51):
let me look up whilst I find out. I know the name of it, but I was looking for a synopsis.
We are looking at a 2020 film, a Christmas film, a Scottish romantic comedy, when two strangers
stranded in the Scottish Highlands on Christmas Eve team up to try and get home in time for Christmas,
starring Kenny Boyle, Natalie Clark, Sylvester McCoy, Sanjeeve Cully and a lovely, lovely,

(01:43:16):
lovely Claire Grogan. We're talking about the 2020 film Lost at Christmas. That's right. That's
the way out. So yeah, we'll be wearing truly in the Christmas spirit in a couple of weeks time,
only I think six weeks until Santa comes five weeks, I think, something like that, not long.
It must be, I leave four weeks today, so yeah, I think it's like five and a half weeks as we record

(01:43:44):
this when the show goes out, when the episode goes out, it'll be even less. Are they good? Yeah.
Yeah. Well, I'm off for another fucking dull evening of baseball. So I am. I hope they'll be more exciting
than it was last night, which are plans after you turn your computer off. I am. We are going to watch
this evening Lost at Christmas. Oh, I'm like, Chris, I thought, how am I going to get through this?

(01:44:08):
I watched the trailer and I was like, this looks fucking terrible. Spoiler alert. And I thought,
you know what, this is the perfect time, because it's not often that I can say to my girlfriend,
you want to watch a romantic Christmas film. And she was obviously, yes. And I was like, okay, great.
We're going to watch this one, Lost at Christmas. So yeah, we'll see. And then that means

(01:44:29):
that for the rest of the month, I can subject her to die hard in Gremlins.
Gremlins, die hard here. No, yeah. Everyone. I mean, yeah, it sounds like it sounds like one
that I'll be watching in my office at work when I'm supposed to be working, to be quite honest.
I think it's only an hour and a half long. So you're fine. Perfect. So you're okay. Wonderful.

(01:44:52):
Right. Well, I hope you enjoyed the show. If you would like, you can give us a little rating,
review, subscription, wherever you get your podcasts. It would really help podcasts to grow.
And if you want to get in touch with us, you can email us on culturespalley@gmail.com with anything
you've seen in the news. You'd like us to cover or any, if you just want to say hello or if,

(01:45:14):
yeah, whatever, I've really balls this up. I never mind. You know, they dressed culturespalleygmail.com.
Greg, we'll lovely website as well, don't we? You can. You can get us that culturespalley.com
with links to other episodes and blog posts and articles all about Scottish television and film
coming, give us a bit of traffic. Fantastic. And with the doorbell going, I now know that is the

(01:45:35):
new filter for my vacuum cleaner. So I'm going sort that out. That is what I'll be doing this
afternoon, Greg filtering the vacuum cleaner and watching Lostick Christmas. You enjoy the
baseball. Sing along with the Adam's family theme tune and avoid the fireball. Until next time.
They're famous all over the world, Craig and Charlie. Craig and Charlie, who? They proclaim us.

(01:45:58):
Oh, I, it's same as Robert Buns. In fact, this is what Buns Nights are about, isn't it? Celebrating
Scotland's contribution to the world, doesn't that right, Eric? Ah, that's right. And just think
about it. See it this very moment. There'll be Scottish people in, in every town, in every
country, in every corner of the globe, getting a hammer.

(01:46:32):
[Music]

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Episode 140 - Two Doors Down (Series Three) (2018)

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Episode 140 - Two Doors Down (Series Three) (2018)