May 8, 2026 • 55 mins
Bree & Clint willingly stepped into the firing line of some of New Zealand’s most ruthless comedians, and it was more savage than we could have EVER imagined.
No apologies. No safe words. Just Bree & Clint getting publicly humiliated for your enjoyment.
00:00 Rhys Mathewson
02:30 Liv McKenzie
08:30 Sharyn Casey
16:25 Tom Sainsbury
23:40 Itay Dom
31:50 James Mustapic
37:40 Bree
47:40 Clint
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
We got roasters.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
This is the roast of green Cut, and we'll start
with Clint.
Speaker 3 (00:07):
Clint is a thirty nine year old man whose dress
sense can best be some dads. I want to look
cool on Mufty Day. The thing that throws me off
is the mustache. I can't the starfish. I can't tell
if you're an undercover cop who wants to stay in
touch with the kids or a pedophile who wants to
(00:27):
touch kids.
Speaker 4 (00:31):
You look like you're going to arrest yourself.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Clint famously likes cherry rites because you are what you eat,
the less popular ones. And of course, Brie Thomas l.
Brie wrote a book called Unapologetically Me and Then It.
Brie said that she both loves and hates this book. Well, Brie,
(00:56):
I half agree with you. It's written exactly like you talk,
completely in caps loot. Brie had a ghostwriter on her book,
which means that not only has she written more books
than she's read, she's written more books than she's written.
Speaker 5 (01:17):
But you put them together and I mean, wow, what duo?
What a team.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Bri and Clint have the chemistry of a brother and sister.
Have had to be told not to fuck each other.
It's a real case of should they shouldn't they? They've
never run a one radio award in the eight years
you've been doing the show together, and honestly, honestly, I
(01:45):
don't understand that at all. I mean, when you've been
putting out such groundbreaking work as is this guy Irish
ha ha I dressed up like you and hands up,
who's pood.
Speaker 5 (01:58):
In the sea?
Speaker 3 (02:00):
I mean, what kind of twisted geniuses could even think
of that, to look at the ocean and think, I
wonder who's poodin there? I mean, truly visionaries, but Norman sincerity,
what you guys have built is genuinely impressive, and I
think tonight and the turnout we've had as a testament
to that. And I think the success and longevity that
(02:22):
you have achieved just goes to show how many people
are too cheap to pay for Spotify Premium. But it's
not just me tonight, let's keep the show moving along.
We're going to bring on our first roaster. Our first
roaster suffers from AH, which is like ADHD, except she
doesn't get any D.
Speaker 6 (02:43):
Let's live mckensie, thank you so much for that rece
That did come off a little bitter, but I'd be
bitter too if I was a less hot, less successful
being Hurley. So did you guys know the middle name
is Harriet because my mum hated that name. My dad
(03:03):
really liked it, and so she thought if she used
it as my middle name, then she wouldn't have to
use it for any future girls they had. So the
producers of Taskmaster heard this story and went, that's a
great idea, and then they made Reese the head writer
of the show so they'd never have to put him on. So, yeah,
(03:24):
I'm live Mackenzie. My show is called Literal Angel, and
it's about how I'm sick of being a good person
and it's really hard. So sorry in advance for the
mean things I say tonight. I tried to be a
really nice person, but I did go to an all
girls school for two years, so it's just it's all
in here.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Sharon Casey is here. Did you know Sharon? Yeah, Sharon.
Speaker 6 (03:42):
Sharon used to host a radio show with Guy Williams.
Sharon's spent so long working with Guy that she became
desensitized to annoying men and accidentally married a guy from
the rock You'll get him on the next one, Sharon,
he does breakfast. That's nice, Okay, I reckon, you'll get
(04:03):
them on the next marriage.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Okay, how do you feel about boring guys?
Speaker 6 (04:05):
So there's some really nice ones on the breeze.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I assume I don't listen to the breeze.
Speaker 6 (04:14):
Tom Sainsbury, you may recognize him from the reels your
mum sends you on Facebook that you can't be bothered
watching I's here each I got edded kind of last minute,
so I don't really have much for him. What I
know about ETI is that he's half Iranian and half Israeli.
So I don't really want to roast him because his
(04:34):
family's already roasting each other.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
So I said, I don't want to roast him. That
was nice.
Speaker 6 (04:50):
I love you, Ty, Okay. James mustapicks here. Hey James,
it's so nice to see you. I didn't think James
would be booked on this gig when I heard they
got Tom sains because obviously they were only wanting really
famous gay guys. But congrants James on, Chris Parker and
Metdi McLain being unavailable. Oh my god, Mety McLain. There's
(05:12):
who's on the breeze. How do you feel about gay
guys and is that not the same thing? Okay, so
Brian Clint Brie, your book is called Unapologetically Me, But Brie,
I do think it's time to apologize. I really want
to be on Celebrity Treasure Island. I think I'd be
(05:34):
really good because I did Scouts and I'll cry on camera.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
That's not a joke, just as if there's any producers
in of that.
Speaker 6 (05:41):
And the producers have told me that I can't be
on the show because Bree's the host obviously, and they've
already got one too many annoying.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Bisexual white women with ADHD on the show. They're fuller.
Speaker 6 (05:53):
Bree does have two beautiful dogs, Meryl Streep and Whitney Houston. Yeah,
they're both rescue dogs who came from very traumatic backgrounds.
Like imagine being a dog and getting rescued out of
this like very harrowing situation, going to a shelter, going
to the SPCA, and then getting adopted by Brie Thomas Ou.
When the dogs heard who was adopted adopting them, they
(06:15):
would like just put us back in the dog fighting ring.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Actually be like our odds better.
Speaker 6 (06:19):
There, Brie on CTI you kind of dressed like Robert
Irwin if he transitioned.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
I'm proud of that one.
Speaker 6 (06:40):
Brie posts a lot of videos of her mum, of
her pranking and farting on her mum, and she calls
it content.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
I call it elder abuse, poor woman.
Speaker 6 (06:51):
Something Brion Clint do have in common is they both
have very hot partners. So people say they have no talent,
but they are really good at punching.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Above their weight. Pretty good. Yeah, give it up for
the girls.
Speaker 4 (07:03):
The girls.
Speaker 6 (07:05):
Clint, you dj at festivals around New Zealand, and you
used to be a DJ on the edge having you
put the New.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Zealand music community through enough.
Speaker 6 (07:15):
Clint, you are quite hot, so it's crazy that you're
on the radio. You have a face for TV, a
voice for radio, and a personality for accounting. Clint, you
are so boring that white noise machines listen to you
to go to sleep.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
And they sleep like babies.
Speaker 6 (07:43):
So Clint was actually making fun of me backstage for
believing in astrology. I love astrology and I hate when
guys make fun of me for believing in astrology because
I'm like, but babe, you believe in the warriors. So
all I'm saying is that if they put their rugby
balls in the moonlight, them in the moonlight for a bit,
maybe they win a championship. So you're kind of supposed
(08:04):
to end the roast on like saying something nice about
the people you're roasting. So Brie, actually do love you,
and I think you're going to be such an incredible mother.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
I think that baby is so lucky to have you
as it's mum.
Speaker 6 (08:19):
And I'm so happy for you. I'm so excited for
you and Clint. I think you're really brave for being here.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Okay, I've been living McKinsey.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Good night, all right, our next roster she puts the
Casey in kids Mummies had a casey of wine.
Speaker 7 (08:37):
It's Sharon Casey Kilda.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
I'd like to be here, glat o.
Speaker 8 (08:50):
Fuck, I've definitely had two powers my bad.
Speaker 9 (08:53):
I don't normally dream, but like, if anytime I've got
to hang.
Speaker 8 (08:55):
Out with Cleanton, might better have a couple break.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
That's sobriety.
Speaker 9 (09:00):
So it's wonderful to be here tonight. And one of
the most common things I got was what the fuck
you're doing a ZDM event. I was like, yeah, babe,
I'll go on whatever radio station plugs my podcast a
little bit extra, I listen to it. And because none
of the radio stations in the company I work for
promoter yeah M. The other thing that I wanted to
(09:23):
be here tonight was because Clint actually text me when
I wrapped up my almost twenty year career having to
work with a bunch of white men on the edge.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
And he texted me and you said, good idea resigning babe.
You're turning forty next year.
Speaker 9 (09:38):
You can't be over forty when you're on a CHR
radio station like ZDM in the edge.
Speaker 8 (09:43):
And I said, you know what, Clint, You're right, you
can't be.
Speaker 9 (09:46):
Over forty as a woman on the radio talking.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
To the kids.
Speaker 9 (09:49):
But you know what, ZDM is proof you can be
almost fifty.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
What I fledgerm on.
Speaker 8 (09:57):
Now I think.
Speaker 5 (09:58):
That that.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
I checked. I checked before this. They're not here, are they? Fuck?
Speaker 1 (10:08):
Fuck damn it?
Speaker 2 (10:12):
I checked that. Hey, I quit my job. Where are
you gonna go in a couple of years?
Speaker 9 (10:19):
Mayam tell you what they used to a chomping at.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
About to get up at five point thirty.
Speaker 9 (10:24):
Now, the great news is is that Clint's been in
radio long enough now that our intern who lost his
virginity working for us is now has boss so well done.
Speaker 5 (10:36):
But you know what, the.
Speaker 8 (10:37):
Rose hasn't started, so we better start it.
Speaker 9 (10:39):
And because I work in radio, we're always like, how
can we make this burger? And I thought fucking slideshow
because I've got a free CAMVA membership, So please get road.
Speaker 8 (10:50):
Now, you guys. Obviously.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
Also, I wasn't going to reference this.
Speaker 9 (10:56):
But those are the smallest fucking nipples you'll ever see.
They are so small, and to see them in real life,
I accidentally saw Clint's penis ones And whenever I think
about it, you know those glowworms you had in like
the nineties, and how they're so white and they like glow,
that's Clint's dick. Sorry that wasn't even all my thing. Okay,
(11:23):
so if you could just shut up, okay, thanks now
anyway to get.
Speaker 8 (11:28):
Into the roast, obviously, you guys.
Speaker 9 (11:30):
Oh no, Bree, Yeah, I don't know who this guy is.
He looks like an art green before photo. Like usually
I know what Clint looks like with all his makeovers.
He loves a makeover. But there are you show me
your dick now, I've only been wrong about Clint one
(11:57):
time and my twenty year friend with him, and it was, oh,
you guys might know him? Is kunt sorry because you
guys have seen the marketing campaign. Obviously everyone thinks it's Brian.
Can't It was the same guy, Sharon and Kant. It's
just the way it is.
Speaker 8 (12:14):
But anyway, we were both working in.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
The station that she'll not be named, and.
Speaker 9 (12:19):
We were working in the music department and he came
back from Sydney and he's like, I spent the weekend
with Lucy and Lucy was my friend. And I was like, oh,
and how did that go? He goes, I think that
she likes me. I've never cackled so hard in my life.
I was like, there is no way that Lucy's light
will ever go out with you.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
I don't know what you.
Speaker 9 (12:37):
Did to her that weekend, because I know it wasn't
whatever that is, but for some reason, you've now married her,
had two absolutely beautiful children. And the one thing there's
so many great things about Lucy, there's nothing to roast
about her because she's such a phenomenal woman. But one
thing we can credit her and I would love you
guys to give her a run of applause.
Speaker 8 (12:57):
Lucy may Clint hot.
Speaker 9 (13:01):
Now if you were only learning about Clinton the post
Lucy era. This is Clint after Lucy, as you can see,
very handsome.
Speaker 8 (13:09):
He's like, oh, I'm a little bit ut green.
Speaker 9 (13:11):
If you just like cut off my head.
Speaker 8 (13:14):
But this is Clint before Lucy.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
And he would try and say this was for.
Speaker 9 (13:21):
A radio promo, but it wasn't like that was one
of his fashion eras.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
I think I.
Speaker 9 (13:26):
Don't know what this one was, but this one.
Speaker 8 (13:28):
Was like, I'm zach Efrom with a bit of edge.
Speaker 9 (13:31):
So once again for comparison, this is Clint before after Lucy.
Speaker 8 (13:35):
Look at that I had to put I had to
put an afterever.
Speaker 9 (13:38):
His penis, like his genes, says, are very crotch heavy.
Speaker 8 (13:43):
But before Lucy.
Speaker 9 (13:48):
He would not look let go of those sunglasses for
the longest time.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
It's horrific.
Speaker 9 (13:53):
But the thing about Clint is that he's like a labrador,
like he bounds on in. He's always super loud, Like
I remember early in his internship.
Speaker 8 (14:02):
Everyone used to call him Boomer. He has this like.
Speaker 9 (14:05):
Big body, is always like knocking things around, and if
you give him a fright, he will punch you.
Speaker 8 (14:11):
So like don't do that.
Speaker 9 (14:12):
One time I gave him a fright and he threw
a cup of hot tea on me and it was
really not an a pleasant experience. So don't give him
a fry Clint, do you have a mic, then shut
the fuck up. He also has this, like really dramatic
fear of rotten fruits, so because we work in radio,
(14:33):
we decided to put him in a casket full of
rotten fruit. He was such a little bitch. I, however,
smoked at this time, and I remember having the most
delightful holiday mint goal while watching him in there, and
he hated it.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
It was great. He also had a lot of.
Speaker 9 (14:51):
Bizarre ideas, Oh fuck not the light. Okay, let mes
give your head. You guys don't care about meat tits?
Do you do you care about meat tits?
Speaker 1 (14:56):
No?
Speaker 2 (14:56):
He will tits once.
Speaker 9 (14:57):
You want to see what a brath felt like. He
also we wanted a part tour once with Gazz from
Jordie Shore, who was supposed to send a video for
you guys tonight to watch. But basically Gazz's memory of
Clint was that he spent the entire tour trying to
be his best friend, and one night he took Gaz's
phone and followed himself. But Gazz just wanted you to
(15:17):
know that he has finally unfollowed you. Yeah, I guess
I'd better get on to Bree real quick before I
pushed off the stage.
Speaker 8 (15:27):
So rees, but.
Speaker 9 (15:29):
Basically when they announced his show.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Was so jealous.
Speaker 9 (15:33):
I cried, But then I remembered that Brie would now
have to put up with the fact that Clint's too
scared to fart in front of his wife, and she got.
Speaker 8 (15:39):
Hot box by his part.
Speaker 9 (15:41):
But then it turned out that Bree is quite a
stinky birch and she was doing the same thing. She
also went to Lone Star and got a free meal
because someone thought she was me. But jokes on her
because I then spent the next decade going yday guys
on Brie from ZM whenever somebody was getting pissed off
with the edge, and it was great height you guys
lost a lot of listeners from that.
Speaker 8 (16:03):
Anyway, I've got to wrap this up now.
Speaker 9 (16:05):
Who was great to hear some laughs out of Clint.
We've got the stuff and the laugh that you like
to do, so that was great.
Speaker 8 (16:12):
They have a great rest of your night. If anyone
wants to rest of the slide show.
Speaker 9 (16:15):
You can find me out back because I'm so desperate
to like talk to people, So thanks.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Moving along, our next roaster is the loveliest man in
comedy who doesn't have a bad word to say about anyone.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
It's Tom, So it's bread.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Hi everyone, I'm Tom.
Speaker 10 (16:41):
Yeah, Hi everyone, I'm Tom. And when I was first
asked to do a roast, I wanted to say no
because I'm not much of a roast comedian and I
like to be nice and I don't like teasing people
to their faces. But then I was told I was
going to be roasting Breed, Thomas el and Clint Roberts.
(17:01):
I thought this writes itself. But before I roast these
gorgeous honeys, and they really are, I just want to
dress my fellow roasters and bring you the audience up
to speed on who you're dealing with tonight. First off,
we've got James Musterpeck, the oldest twink anyone's ever met.
James's one claim to fame is his mother Janet. They
(17:24):
do lots of comedy together and that's the only thing
that gets any traction. In fact, the only person who
hauls their mother out for content more than James is
Bree Thomas, all.
Speaker 4 (17:34):
With poor Diane being farted on constantly by the likes of.
Speaker 10 (17:42):
Oh Brienna, it's uncouth. Next, we've got e Tai dom Or.
Is my autocorrect lights to call him italy dominant? I
watched a comedy show with him and at once and
my friend said that reminds her of an adorable Koala
(18:02):
to Wich. I said, you've got the lamydia part right.
Then we've got Live Mackenzie. Don't let her cutes butter
wouldn't mount in her mouth looks full you oh no, no,
lives in empowered sexy for lack of a better word, tart.
(18:22):
And how do we know that Live is an empowered
sexy tart. It's because that's all she ever talks about
in her comedy shows. We get it Live, You've got
low self esteem. And then we've got Sharon Casey. Sharon's
done radio, She's done TV, she's done podcast. The only
thing she hasn't done at this stage is anything of quality.
Speaker 4 (18:48):
She's built a brand on being relatable.
Speaker 10 (18:50):
But let's face it, Sharon Casey has too much information personified.
And finally we've got our host Rhys Matheson Breese has
been on seven days more than any other guest comedian,
but no one ever recognizes him. I mean, look at
him when he's out in public. People presume he's a
wild man re entering society after living in the bush
(19:11):
for twenty years, living off wild pork and pooh trim
that bed mate.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
And then there's me Tom Sainsbury, or as most.
Speaker 10 (19:20):
People refer to me, the comedian you hire when Chris
Parker is unavailable or worse yet, Wait, isn't that wife
murderer Mark Lundy before the prison weight loss? But now
it's time to address the elephant in the room, and
I'm not referencing the room around James muster Picks downstairs area.
(19:43):
It's these show ponies, Clinton Roberts and Brie Thomasaw. First
of all, there's Brenton Clee individually, Bree Thomas L, who's
never looked as she good as good as she did
in her white crap prepants for her Woman's Day shoot,
which we've seen before.
Speaker 4 (19:56):
Can we see it, Claude one more time?
Speaker 10 (20:00):
Fantastic Breed Thomas L, a woman who has the confidence
of someone who's never once paused to think is this
actually interesting? Bree Thomas l whose only personality trait is Australian.
And then there's Clint Clint Roberts, the second most famous
(20:22):
Clint in New Zealand radio, Clint Roberts, who, when you
scroll through his Instagram, you're wondering does it even get
paid doing radio? Because what he's an influencer for?
Speaker 4 (20:34):
What is this?
Speaker 10 (20:35):
Miltary Energy, pet Insurance, Pepsi and Z, Fussy Cat pet Food, Samsung,
leg Go, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Clinton Roberts, whose oniest
stories leave you thinking, I guess you had to be there.
(20:55):
But how at least we have Clint looks good without
a shirt on. Can we see the next one, Claudia,
So take it down, go back to the Sorry you've
got the wrong Clint. Sorry, that's them, that's them individually,
but let's but together they are so much worse. The
Bri and Clint Show there's no tied TikTok trend. They
(21:18):
haven't dragged back into our consciousness. The Bri and Clint
Show the embodiment of the belief that If you're good looking,
you don't need any other redeeming qualities.
Speaker 4 (21:32):
The Bri and Clint Show the only.
Speaker 10 (21:33):
Radio the only radio show in New Zealand where people
more people actually watch the live stream than actually listen
to them on the radio, and that live stream is
usually muted. Have I personally found both Bri and Clint
highly attractive at times?
Speaker 4 (21:48):
Yes? Do I have a punchline for this joke?
Speaker 9 (21:53):
No?
Speaker 4 (21:56):
Is this even a joke?
Speaker 11 (21:58):
No?
Speaker 4 (22:00):
Have I just made this whole evening awkward? I think so?
Speaker 10 (22:05):
If I get invited back onto The Brie Clint Show
sometime in the future, will it still be awkward?
Speaker 4 (22:09):
Most? Probably?
Speaker 10 (22:10):
And am I regretting mentioning how attractive I find Brien Clint?
The Bri and Clint Show where the poor hosts Brien
Clint have to plunder every aspect of their lives for
content to talk about for three minute installments for their
ravenous listeners. Is Bri actually getting married and are they
actually expecting a baby or is this some desperate ployee
(22:32):
to have more listeners than The Edge afternoons? And how
and how desperate are they going to get for content
to keep the listenership engaged? Will bring Clint revert to
Shortland street style ploys. Will Clint, much like Dr Chris Warner,
have surprised triplets show up to enhance ratings, Or will
(22:54):
Bree have an accident and nasty falling, get amnesia and
only remember Clint when he was a Breing Clint Heartland
honey and hot honey chip under her nose. And speaking
of the Heartland hot and honey chip, I guess that
was the only time that Brian Clint had any taste insummation.
(23:17):
I guess our biggest takeaway from this roast is that
Briing Clint a living proof that attractive people can fail.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
Upwards for years.
Speaker 10 (23:25):
And that's inspiring because the rest of us we've had
to develop personalities.
Speaker 5 (23:29):
I love you both.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
We're back with more roasting in a sec.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
The roast of Brand Clint.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
This is the roast of Brian Clint.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
To make sure. Reminded me of a joke I forgot
too earlier, so I'm going to do it now. Clint
advertises pet food for cats, or, as he calls it,
the closest you'll ever get to eating pussy.
Speaker 5 (24:00):
Worth Going back for.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
Our next roaster has been on a first date with
at least ten different women in this room, and on
a second date with no woman in this room.
Speaker 4 (24:12):
It's e tied done.
Speaker 5 (24:21):
Hello.
Speaker 12 (24:23):
A couple of weeks ago, I got a call and
they were like, if there was no money in comedy,
would you still do it?
Speaker 4 (24:34):
Would you do it for free?
Speaker 12 (24:35):
That's not something you want to hear from your manager.
But I was like, yeah, man, I love comedy. That's
all I got here. I do want to say, this
is not the biggest room I've ever done.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Doesn't really mean much to me.
Speaker 12 (24:55):
The biggest room I've done is a sky City Theater,
seven hundred seats. Yes, thank you, thank you guys, but
thank you guys. But the smallest audience I've ever had
two people, same show.
Speaker 4 (25:10):
It was.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Riece Matthewson is here. Give it up for him.
Speaker 10 (25:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 12 (25:18):
Rice Mathison is the youngest ever recipient of the Billy T.
James Comedy Award. Yeah, Rice said, growing up, his dream
is to be just like Billy T.
Speaker 4 (25:28):
James.
Speaker 12 (25:29):
That's why in all his childhood photos he's always wearing blackface.
Liv Is here dressed like she's ready for ball.
Speaker 4 (25:40):
One oh one.
Speaker 12 (25:46):
Live is from Christchurch. But don't worry, she's not racist.
She'll slip with anyone, no matter if they're white or
Pokha leve to Live used to live in New York.
(26:06):
If you didn't know that, I guess you never talked
to Live for more than five seconds. Live was actually
the host of a TV and Z show called Cubicle Confessions.
The show came out in twenty twenty three, but if
you go home and watch it tonight, you can still
be one of the very first viewers.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
Hey, each eye jokes on you.
Speaker 6 (26:26):
You can't watch it because they took it off.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
You're right, the joke is on me.
Speaker 12 (26:38):
What are you talking about? Tom Sainsbury here looking like
a model for Farmers. Tom Sainsbury is known as the
snapchat guy. I don't know about you, but I think
it's pretty cool that a forty year old man still
use a snapchat. Tom Sainsbury created The Small Time Scandal.
(27:02):
It's a murder mystery podcast. It's eight hours long. If
you binge it in one go, it's a great night's sleep.
Sharon Casey here dressed like a geisha, or as you
might know her, Bryce Casey's wife. Okay, Sharon is actually
(27:23):
my favorite radio present. Oh sorry, this joke is from
twenty fifteen. I didn't know who they were. James Mustapick
is here looking fresh. Yeah, fresh from the nineties. James
(27:44):
actually one Celebrity Treasure Island.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
Yes, yes, very nice.
Speaker 12 (27:50):
By winning Celebrity Treasure Island, he raised one hundred thousand
dollars for charity.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Pretty good.
Speaker 12 (27:57):
The money went to a charity that helped people with
brain injuries. The charity is called the James Masterapig Fan Club.
James is recently single. I don't know why women are women. Okay,
(28:19):
Actually he just went through a breakup. His ex boyfriend
was a dentist. The reason they broke up is because
nine a a ten dentist, agreed James was a shitty boyfriend.
And now to the Men of the Hour, Brian Clint,
(28:43):
I wasn't sure I was allowed to say that when
I first This my first time meeting them. When I
first met them, I'll never forget what they said to me.
They said, hey, we didn't order uber eats. But listen, guys,
we're all here because we're fans, and I'm a fan.
I listen to the Brian Clint Drive Show on ZDAM
(29:06):
every day driving home from work. My favorite part of
the show my favorite part of the show. Every time
I go through a tunnel. Uh, Breeze from Australia, so
I'll talk slow.
Speaker 4 (29:20):
Uh.
Speaker 12 (29:22):
Brie is half Italian and half Australian, which means she's
angry but doesn't know why.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
Brie has written a book.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
Unapologetically me.
Speaker 12 (29:34):
Yes, she also recorded the audio version so the blind
can suffer too.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 12 (29:49):
Oh helly, I never got a standing ovation from a
farther Uh and apologetically me. That's Breeze autobiography. Now.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
I read it cover to cover and my only note
I wish it was about someone else.
Speaker 12 (30:08):
If you actually want to find this book, it's available
at Paper Plus in the Basic White Girl section right
next to the Sharon Casey book. Reading the book, I
learned some stuff about Brie. I learned that Brie hurt
her back when she was fifteen. Yeah, she hurt her
(30:29):
back when she was fifteen playing sports, and again in
twenty eighteen when she had to carry Clint. I honestly,
but honestly, I'm make a joke, but I think you're amazing, Bri.
I mean, you do so much. You're half an author,
and you know you host Celebrity Treasure Island. You're on
Taskmaster seven days and Clint you know, Bri.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Did you guys know this?
Speaker 12 (30:58):
If you look up Clint Roberts in Google, Google comes
up with did you mean to.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Look that up?
Speaker 12 (31:10):
I'm just joking. I will never use a waist start
looking him up.
Speaker 5 (31:17):
Now.
Speaker 12 (31:17):
Brit was very nice to me. I bought this book
and she signed it, and I'd love to give it
to one of you guys. First I was going to
actually give it to Clint because I know he never
read it.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
But but then.
Speaker 12 (31:29):
I was like, oh, you got to be able to read,
so so I would like to give it that would
anyone like it?
Speaker 1 (31:36):
You would like it? Are you gonna catch it?
Speaker 13 (31:41):
Hell?
Speaker 11 (31:41):
Ye?
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Everybody? Thank you very much for having me. Everybody. You
guys are awesome.
Speaker 3 (31:47):
Thank us very much, Rush, And now this time for
our final roaster.
Speaker 5 (31:57):
He makes an xIC.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
People feel fat and fat people feel hungry. It's James
Master beat what yes.
Speaker 11 (32:07):
Oh my gosh, thank you for that rece It's really
sad to see where Josh from Drake and Josh has
ended up.
Speaker 9 (32:16):
Now.
Speaker 14 (32:21):
No, it's great to be here, great to be amongst
my dear friends. Live McKenzie, dear friend of mine lives
very brave.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
She is brave.
Speaker 14 (32:29):
She actually heard that we need more women in the
comedy industry right now, more talented women in the industry,
and she decided to start doing comedy anyway. Okay, Etai,
that roast was the worst thing that someone from Israel
(32:51):
has ever done. Okay, and Sharon, shout up to Sharon.
Some of you might know Sharon was a judge on
the Mask Singer New Zealand. Did you know that, ironically,
(33:14):
Sharon's husband Bryce will only fuck her if she's wearing
a JJ Feenie mask and she pretends it's maneuver fucking
(33:34):
her from behind. Okay, okay, all right, okay, Clint, first things.
First of first things, first, Clint, this is coming from
a gay person. You are a Faggotorry, Sorry, just kidding, No,
(34:22):
I'm just kidding. You are straight and white and bland
as fuck. I want to hate crime you. You guys,
You guys host the afternoon drive show. And I am
really gay, really, so I'm really I'm glad that I'm
(34:43):
I'm glad that I'm gay.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
And I can't drive.
Speaker 14 (34:46):
Because I think that your show would make me want
to accelerate into moving traffic. You pickleball tournament, Valkra wallet
from Amazon surf Store, jerk off to anime every night.
I want to be DJ motherfucker. Okay now, Bri, brih Bri.
(35:15):
I am a huge fan of your mom, Mama Die
and Mama Die. If you're out there, I'd just like
to say it's not too late to have an abortion.
Speaker 4 (35:30):
I've known you for a long time.
Speaker 14 (35:31):
Now, Bri, and I have to commend you because I
know over one hundred bisexual women and you are the
only one that has ended.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
Up with a woman.
Speaker 4 (35:43):
You diky bitch.
Speaker 14 (35:47):
And of course you got engaged this year to your
beautiful partner, Saphia.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
Yeah, give it up Beer.
Speaker 14 (35:55):
The relationship between you two, it honestly makes me think
maybe gay marriage should be illegal. Bri, You've had a
crazy life. Some of you might not know, but Brie
was actually held at knife point when she was nine
years old during a home invasion. Really sad that she's
(36:16):
still here today. And in Bree's Bookcally said when she
(36:45):
was howled at knife point, it was ten minutes, but
it felt like hours. And I actually read the book
of the guy who held Bri at knife point and
he said it felt like ours because Brie wouldn't shut
the fuck up. A week ago, Brie, you shared some
amazing news. Your partner Saphire is pregnant. H A Saphia.
(37:11):
If you're out there tonight, I just like to say,
it's not too late to know.
Speaker 4 (37:15):
No joking.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
Okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 5 (37:28):
There's a reason we put the malass.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
We're back with more roasting in just a sec.
Speaker 15 (37:36):
This is the roast of Brian Clint.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
The Roast of Brian Clint.
Speaker 3 (37:41):
Now move on to the right of reply. They will
be speaking one of the time. So first please welcome
Crocodile Dungarese Brie Thomas O.
Speaker 2 (38:03):
Holy shit, I need to recover from that.
Speaker 15 (38:05):
James.
Speaker 4 (38:06):
Wow.
Speaker 13 (38:08):
Thanks everyone for giving me a whole bunch of new
shit to talk about in therapy. I feel like I've
been psychologically waterboarded. If my therapist is here, I'm about
to make you a rich woman. Just kidding. She fired me.
Please give it up for our host, Hagrid. Mate, you
(38:35):
have done a bloody fantastic job hosting this thing, and
to think you were our seventh choice.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
Now this is a true story.
Speaker 13 (38:45):
When I messaged Reece about coming on board to host
the roast, and I quote he said, is.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
It going to be pork or is it going to
be lamb?
Speaker 4 (38:55):
You heavy set motherfucker.
Speaker 13 (39:00):
Reese looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway if Tom found
an entire native tribe and ate the whole lot. Reese,
you look like my weed dealer, which reminds me.
Speaker 4 (39:14):
Can I see you after the show?
Speaker 8 (39:17):
Reese?
Speaker 2 (39:18):
You look like a younger, unhealthier version.
Speaker 13 (39:20):
Of duncan Ghana.
Speaker 4 (39:26):
I'm not too sure.
Speaker 13 (39:27):
Do you identify as a loaded baked potato or what?
Speaker 2 (39:36):
Tom Sainsbury's here.
Speaker 13 (39:41):
Tom doesn't like people knowing how old he really is,
which is a shamee, Tom, because you look really good
for your age.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
Fuck alright, these next jokes aren't going to go down.
Speaker 4 (39:55):
Well, there's a lot more of this.
Speaker 13 (39:57):
Tom Sainsbury is so old that he signed the Treaty
of White Tongueing as a parent and or guardian. Tom
Sainsbury is so old his pronouns a hunter gatherer. Tom
Sainsbury is so old that he ejaculates dust.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
Which is crazy because.
Speaker 4 (40:20):
I don't know if you know.
Speaker 13 (40:21):
Tom actually donated his sperm to or lesbian couples so
they could have a baby, yes, which was actually the
catalyst for the government to change the law to stop
gay comedians donating sperm. So glad you got in before
that came. James Muster Pickers here, or as some of
(40:44):
you might know him as Wayland Smithers and mister Burne's
love child. Excellent stuff tonight, or should I say excellent stuff?
James has the confidence of a straight white man and
the posture of an old one. James, you might be
(41:11):
the only person I know who leaves the room before
your posture? Does you put that dam in hunchback of
nutra damn Leve Mackenzie's here, whereas she's known down to
the clinic a regular.
Speaker 2 (41:34):
Fun fact.
Speaker 13 (41:34):
Live was the only person tonight who had to pass
a background check to be a part of Tonight's roast,
which she did pass. However, you did test positive for
being a massive slut. Also, you've got chlamydia again. Now now,
don't judge her. Live Mackenzie has been through a lot
(41:56):
in her life, a lot of dick. Live, most famously
known for Nellie derailing the hashtag me too movement with
her own movement hashtag why not me Too? Liv says
(42:17):
she's bisexual, with which I think has nothing to do
with how she identifies. I think it has everything to
do with her being a whore and wanting to double
her rods. Ety Dom, you bald headed fuck Thanks for
(42:37):
covering up tonight amazing stuff. I've given you a five
star rating. Thanks for getting me to the venue. Also
another thanks for being the diversity high for tonight's show
means a lot. When I first saw Eta, I thought, Wow,
(43:01):
Stanley Tucci must have a tapeworm. You might recognize this
guy from The Bachelorette New Zealand where he was eliminated
in the first round, proving women can sense danger early. Etai,
(43:24):
you look like a youth pastor who sells ketamine to children.
E Tai is actually a qualified engineer, which is very impressive.
So that makes you an engineer and a comedian. Jeez,
may leave some pussy for the rest of us. And
(43:46):
then there was fellow X radio announcer Sharon Casey.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
Now look, Sharon, I know you didn't.
Speaker 13 (43:54):
Really take the piss out of me tonight, and I
don't want to take the piss out of you either,
because clearly your hairdressers or he done that.
Speaker 2 (44:05):
Did you show her a picture.
Speaker 13 (44:07):
Of Lord farquaht and say, oh love what he's having.
Speaker 2 (44:13):
You look like Professor Snape's dad.
Speaker 13 (44:18):
And now to the man of the hour, my co
host friend the boring to my funny Clinton, Paul Roberts.
Clint famously has the tiniest nipples ever documented.
Speaker 2 (44:33):
On a grown man.
Speaker 13 (44:34):
And you know what they say about tiny nipples, tiny dick,
and it's true. I accidentally saw it one time and
I thought it was a garnish. Clint's dick is so
small even Jetstar allow him to take it on board
as carry on. Clint's dick is so small it's allowed
(44:56):
to order off.
Speaker 2 (44:56):
The kid's menu. Fun fact about.
Speaker 13 (45:05):
Clint, He's actually a bit of a prude, which has
meant that over the years I've been banned from talking
about certain things on the radio. This is serious, and Clint,
I'm not going to talk about those things tonight because
I'm a friend. I'm definitely not going to talk about
the time you drank horse seamen at the Hoka Tika
Wild Foods Festival. I'm not going to talk about it.
(45:28):
I'm also not going to talk about the time you
shaved your pubes into towels and thought it was appropriate
to then use that towel to dry your face. And
I'm definitely not going to talk about the time as
a nineteen year old Clint went to a radio survey
party and hooked up with a fifty.
Speaker 2 (45:46):
Year old woman from HR.
Speaker 12 (45:52):
No.
Speaker 13 (45:53):
I am not going to talk about those things because
I love you and I'm a friend. Clint is always
worried that his wife doesn't lie him, and he should
be because it's true.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
I mean, it's not like.
Speaker 4 (46:05):
What's not to like about Clint.
Speaker 13 (46:07):
He's a middle aged white man who's still DJs. Sorry,
He's got the physical prowess of a melted candle, and
he looks like David Seymour without a beard. Clint and
his wife Lucy have two beautiful daughters who will grow
up one day look at Clinton realize shit, mum could
(46:28):
have done better. No, but for real, this man cares
about three things. He cares about family, he cares about
being famous, and money in that order.
Speaker 2 (46:44):
He truly is a great dad, though, but he would
push his kids.
Speaker 13 (46:47):
Down a hill in an instant to get another deal
with New World for paid partnerships.
Speaker 5 (46:54):
He really would.
Speaker 13 (46:57):
Has anyone ever noticed that Clint's name in all cat
looks like a rude word, which is appropriate because that's
how most people describe him, a massive cunt. To wrap
things up, Clint, I'm lucky to call you a mate.
Speaker 4 (47:11):
You've got a.
Speaker 13 (47:12):
Beautiful family, a solid career, and most importantly, you've somehow
managed to make me look like the talented one I
love you.
Speaker 3 (47:30):
Did anyone else pick up on the fact that that's
the second co host that's accidentally seen Clint's penis? Once
is an accident. Twice is a pattern of behavior. Well,
we've got one speaker left and last, but certainly it's Clint.
Speaker 15 (47:49):
Rob Any one of them's actually seen my penis? Okay. Also,
don't threaten James must have picked with a good time. Okay,
(48:10):
thank you to Reys Matthewson. When we were picking a
host for tonight, we requested either Reys Darby or Eli Matthewson.
Speaker 1 (48:18):
So it's good to get the worst of both worlds.
Speaker 15 (48:23):
Sharon's here, or as I call her, Jonavan Ben's least
favorite sidekick. Sharon has a podcast which I enjoy not
listening to. She recently posted on Instagram that she took
two panad dole and two neurofends so that she could
sit through a regular movie, which is rich coming from
someone who's been a massive pain in my ass for
(48:45):
two fucking decades now. Sharon savaged me tonight, which is fair.
She also said kunt on television once when she was
the host of Dancing with the Stars, but she swears
she he was just referring to Dominic Bowden by his
official pronouns he identifies as aunt. James Musterpeck looks like
(49:11):
the guy from Heated Rivalry if he had anorexia and
was somehow gayer. James recently filmed a television show where
he tried to find a man for his beautiful mother,
which was ultimately unsuccessful. Can I suggest Etai dom because
he's proven he is a real motherfucker. We're very happy
(49:38):
to have you here, but it's crazy that you are
here because who's working at the kebab and.
Speaker 1 (49:42):
Sushi shop on k Road?
Speaker 15 (49:46):
Let me get it. Etie sounds really stoned when he
talks because he is Love Mackenzie is here.
Speaker 1 (49:58):
I Love Live.
Speaker 15 (50:01):
Live recently performed at the Melbourne Comedy Festival to no one.
That's right, isn't it live? Yeah? She put up an
Instagram story from the shower talking about it. It was
a beautiful metaphor. She was naked, both emotionally and physically,
bearing her soul and her body, which, much like her
(50:21):
comedy festival show, nobody wanted to see.
Speaker 6 (50:33):
I Washed It still tickets available tomorrow eight fifteen.
Speaker 15 (50:38):
I Washed It on mute, but I'll watch anything. How
incredible is Tom Sainsbury? Everybody, We're lucky to have him here.
You may have found out tonight that Tom Sainsbury is
a sperm donor, as opposed to James Musterpeck, who identifies
as a sperm receiver. No, but really Tom is a
(51:02):
sperm donor. And an unrelated news, Bree's having a baby.
You do the math. Tom is famous for his impersonations
of politicians whose careers abruptly end shortly after the impersonation.
Jasinda Paula, Judith Simon. Tom, if you could please post
(51:24):
an impersonation of Fletch Vaughan and or Hayley Brie and
I would really appreciate the promotion. Speaking of Bree, where
would I be without Brie? Probably still working with Sharon.
Bree once got upset with me for reminding people that
(51:46):
she has.
Speaker 1 (51:46):
A very hot brother, which she does.
Speaker 15 (51:50):
She said it was unfair and that I was suggesting
that she was ugly by association. So let me be
very clear, Brie also has a very hot father. Brie
prides herself on her sporting accolades. She never misses a
chance to remind us of the time she had a
(52:11):
scholarship to Florida University for softball, or her dominance on
the soccer field, or how good she was at basketball.
We get a Bri, You've been gay for a long time.
A long time. Bree will do almost anything for a deer.
I once challenged her to drink two liters of milk
for no reason, and even though she's lactose in tolerant,
(52:36):
she did it, proving.
Speaker 1 (52:37):
She would rather shed herself to death.
Speaker 15 (52:40):
Than lose a bet. Bre spent thousands of dollars getting
a diagnosis for ADHD recently.
Speaker 1 (52:51):
Which is fucked because she.
Speaker 15 (52:53):
Has the attention span of a moth and a lamp
shop pre mentally has it's fourteen browser tams open at
all times, and one of those.
Speaker 1 (53:03):
Tams is playing music.
Speaker 15 (53:06):
Helen fucking Keller could have diagnosed you with ADHD.
Speaker 1 (53:14):
Bree has read.
Speaker 15 (53:16):
Less books than the entire cast of Love Island. She
gets mad at me when I ask her if she's
read certain books. She's judgmental of people who do read books,
which has messed up man, because you literally wrote a book,
didn't read it.
Speaker 1 (53:34):
True story.
Speaker 15 (53:35):
The only time Brie read her own book is when.
Speaker 1 (53:36):
She voiced the audio book. That's a true story.
Speaker 15 (53:40):
But that's not fair of me, because I didn't read
your book either, Sigmund Freud said about prodiction, the thing
I can't accept about myself, I will attack in you,
which is why I believe Bree likes to bully our
producer Claudia for being a vest wearing lesbian. Bree left
(54:03):
Australia just after they legalized gay marriage because no one
wanted to fuck her. I joke about the lesbians, but
I'm just mad because they pull off my haircut better
than I do. I know they're here because of Bri,
and I actually believe we wouldn't have half the ratings
(54:24):
we do if it wasn't for them. Can I get
some noise from the Lisbo's in the crowd? I knew
it as soon as I saw the Subaru foresters in
the car park.
Speaker 1 (54:34):
I fucking.
Speaker 15 (54:36):
Knew it. In all seriousness, though Brie is one of
the kindest, most thoughtful people I know, and she's honest
to a fault.
Speaker 1 (54:45):
Bri did admit.
Speaker 15 (54:47):
Live on radio to doing a Pooh in the sea,
a moment that now defines her career, and went on
to a mess over five million views online.
Speaker 1 (54:59):
To this today, we still receive texts.
Speaker 15 (55:02):
From listeners daily reminding Brie about the time she shared
and the sea, and I personally hope that never changes.
Speaker 5 (55:09):
Thank you very much, And that about wraps it up.
Speaker 3 (55:21):
But I just want to say on behalf of all
of us, like, we love you guys so much. Thank
you for giving us the chance to do this with
it such a lovely evening, and I think we deserve
to give them their flower. Stand up guys one more time.
Pleas here for brand Clint maximized.
Speaker 2 (55:38):
That was the Roast of Brian Clint.
Speaker 13 (55:41):
Caen to see more of the funny stuff and what
went on behind the scenes, well you can follow us
on instag at Brian Clint
We got roasters.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
This is the roast of green Cut, and we'll start
with Clint.
Speaker 3 (00:07):
Clint is a thirty nine year old man whose dress
sense can best be some dads. I want to look
cool on Mufty Day. The thing that throws me off
is the mustache. I can't the starfish. I can't tell
if you're an undercover cop who wants to stay in
touch with the kids or a pedophile who wants to
(00:27):
touch kids.
Speaker 4 (00:31):
You look like you're going to arrest yourself.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Clint famously likes cherry rites because you are what you eat,
the less popular ones. And of course, Brie Thomas l.
Brie wrote a book called Unapologetically Me and Then It.
Brie said that she both loves and hates this book. Well, Brie,
(00:56):
I half agree with you. It's written exactly like you talk,
completely in caps loot. Brie had a ghostwriter on her book,
which means that not only has she written more books
than she's read, she's written more books than she's written.
Speaker 5 (01:17):
But you put them together and I mean, wow, what duo?
What a team.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Bri and Clint have the chemistry of a brother and sister.
Have had to be told not to fuck each other.
It's a real case of should they shouldn't they? They've
never run a one radio award in the eight years
you've been doing the show together, and honestly, honestly, I
(01:45):
don't understand that at all. I mean, when you've been
putting out such groundbreaking work as is this guy Irish
ha ha I dressed up like you and hands up,
who's pood.
Speaker 5 (01:58):
In the sea?
Speaker 3 (02:00):
I mean, what kind of twisted geniuses could even think
of that, to look at the ocean and think, I
wonder who's poodin there? I mean, truly visionaries, but Norman sincerity,
what you guys have built is genuinely impressive, and I
think tonight and the turnout we've had as a testament
to that. And I think the success and longevity that
(02:22):
you have achieved just goes to show how many people
are too cheap to pay for Spotify Premium. But it's
not just me tonight, let's keep the show moving along.
We're going to bring on our first roaster. Our first
roaster suffers from AH, which is like ADHD, except she
doesn't get any D.
Speaker 6 (02:43):
Let's live mckensie, thank you so much for that rece
That did come off a little bitter, but I'd be
bitter too if I was a less hot, less successful
being Hurley. So did you guys know the middle name
is Harriet because my mum hated that name. My dad
(03:03):
really liked it, and so she thought if she used
it as my middle name, then she wouldn't have to
use it for any future girls they had. So the
producers of Taskmaster heard this story and went, that's a
great idea, and then they made Reese the head writer
of the show so they'd never have to put him on. So, yeah,
(03:24):
I'm live Mackenzie. My show is called Literal Angel, and
it's about how I'm sick of being a good person
and it's really hard. So sorry in advance for the
mean things I say tonight. I tried to be a
really nice person, but I did go to an all
girls school for two years, so it's just it's all
in here.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Sharon Casey is here. Did you know Sharon? Yeah, Sharon.
Speaker 6 (03:42):
Sharon used to host a radio show with Guy Williams.
Sharon's spent so long working with Guy that she became
desensitized to annoying men and accidentally married a guy from
the rock You'll get him on the next one, Sharon,
he does breakfast. That's nice, Okay, I reckon, you'll get
(04:03):
them on the next marriage.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Okay, how do you feel about boring guys?
Speaker 6 (04:05):
So there's some really nice ones on the breeze.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I assume I don't listen to the breeze.
Speaker 6 (04:14):
Tom Sainsbury, you may recognize him from the reels your
mum sends you on Facebook that you can't be bothered
watching I's here each I got edded kind of last minute,
so I don't really have much for him. What I
know about ETI is that he's half Iranian and half Israeli.
So I don't really want to roast him because his
(04:34):
family's already roasting each other.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
So I said, I don't want to roast him. That
was nice.
Speaker 6 (04:50):
I love you, Ty, Okay. James mustapicks here. Hey James,
it's so nice to see you. I didn't think James
would be booked on this gig when I heard they
got Tom sains because obviously they were only wanting really
famous gay guys. But congrants James on, Chris Parker and
Metdi McLain being unavailable. Oh my god, Mety McLain. There's
(05:12):
who's on the breeze. How do you feel about gay
guys and is that not the same thing? Okay, so
Brian Clint Brie, your book is called Unapologetically Me, But Brie,
I do think it's time to apologize. I really want
to be on Celebrity Treasure Island. I think I'd be
(05:34):
really good because I did Scouts and I'll cry on camera.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
That's not a joke, just as if there's any producers
in of that.
Speaker 6 (05:41):
And the producers have told me that I can't be
on the show because Bree's the host obviously, and they've
already got one too many annoying.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Bisexual white women with ADHD on the show. They're fuller.
Speaker 6 (05:53):
Bree does have two beautiful dogs, Meryl Streep and Whitney Houston. Yeah,
they're both rescue dogs who came from very traumatic backgrounds.
Like imagine being a dog and getting rescued out of
this like very harrowing situation, going to a shelter, going
to the SPCA, and then getting adopted by Brie Thomas Ou.
When the dogs heard who was adopted adopting them, they
(06:15):
would like just put us back in the dog fighting ring.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Actually be like our odds better.
Speaker 6 (06:19):
There, Brie on CTI you kind of dressed like Robert
Irwin if he transitioned.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
I'm proud of that one.
Speaker 6 (06:40):
Brie posts a lot of videos of her mum, of
her pranking and farting on her mum, and she calls
it content.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
I call it elder abuse, poor woman.
Speaker 6 (06:51):
Something Brion Clint do have in common is they both
have very hot partners. So people say they have no talent,
but they are really good at punching.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
Above their weight. Pretty good. Yeah, give it up for
the girls.
Speaker 4 (07:03):
The girls.
Speaker 6 (07:05):
Clint, you dj at festivals around New Zealand, and you
used to be a DJ on the edge having you
put the New.
Speaker 2 (07:11):
Zealand music community through enough.
Speaker 6 (07:15):
Clint, you are quite hot, so it's crazy that you're
on the radio. You have a face for TV, a
voice for radio, and a personality for accounting. Clint, you
are so boring that white noise machines listen to you
to go to sleep.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
And they sleep like babies.
Speaker 6 (07:43):
So Clint was actually making fun of me backstage for
believing in astrology. I love astrology and I hate when
guys make fun of me for believing in astrology because
I'm like, but babe, you believe in the warriors. So
all I'm saying is that if they put their rugby
balls in the moonlight, them in the moonlight for a bit,
maybe they win a championship. So you're kind of supposed
(08:04):
to end the roast on like saying something nice about
the people you're roasting. So Brie, actually do love you,
and I think you're going to be such an incredible mother.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
I think that baby is so lucky to have you
as it's mum.
Speaker 6 (08:19):
And I'm so happy for you. I'm so excited for
you and Clint. I think you're really brave for being here.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Okay, I've been living McKinsey.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Good night, all right, our next roster she puts the
Casey in kids Mummies had a casey of wine.
Speaker 7 (08:37):
It's Sharon Casey Kilda.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
I'd like to be here, glat o.
Speaker 8 (08:50):
Fuck, I've definitely had two powers my bad.
Speaker 9 (08:53):
I don't normally dream, but like, if anytime I've got
to hang.
Speaker 8 (08:55):
Out with Cleanton, might better have a couple break.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
That's sobriety.
Speaker 9 (09:00):
So it's wonderful to be here tonight. And one of
the most common things I got was what the fuck
you're doing a ZDM event. I was like, yeah, babe,
I'll go on whatever radio station plugs my podcast a
little bit extra, I listen to it. And because none
of the radio stations in the company I work for
promoter yeah M. The other thing that I wanted to
(09:23):
be here tonight was because Clint actually text me when
I wrapped up my almost twenty year career having to
work with a bunch of white men on the edge.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
And he texted me and you said, good idea resigning babe.
You're turning forty next year.
Speaker 9 (09:38):
You can't be over forty when you're on a CHR
radio station like ZDM in the edge.
Speaker 8 (09:43):
And I said, you know what, Clint, You're right, you
can't be.
Speaker 9 (09:46):
Over forty as a woman on the radio talking.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
To the kids.
Speaker 9 (09:49):
But you know what, ZDM is proof you can be
almost fifty.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
What I fledgerm on.
Speaker 8 (09:57):
Now I think.
Speaker 5 (09:58):
That that.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
I checked. I checked before this. They're not here, are they? Fuck?
Speaker 1 (10:08):
Fuck damn it?
Speaker 2 (10:12):
I checked that. Hey, I quit my job. Where are
you gonna go in a couple of years?
Speaker 9 (10:19):
Mayam tell you what they used to a chomping at.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
About to get up at five point thirty.
Speaker 9 (10:24):
Now, the great news is is that Clint's been in
radio long enough now that our intern who lost his
virginity working for us is now has boss so well done.
Speaker 5 (10:36):
But you know what, the.
Speaker 8 (10:37):
Rose hasn't started, so we better start it.
Speaker 9 (10:39):
And because I work in radio, we're always like, how
can we make this burger? And I thought fucking slideshow
because I've got a free CAMVA membership, So please get road.
Speaker 8 (10:50):
Now, you guys. Obviously.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
Also, I wasn't going to reference this.
Speaker 9 (10:56):
But those are the smallest fucking nipples you'll ever see.
They are so small, and to see them in real life,
I accidentally saw Clint's penis ones And whenever I think
about it, you know those glowworms you had in like
the nineties, and how they're so white and they like glow,
that's Clint's dick. Sorry that wasn't even all my thing. Okay,
(11:23):
so if you could just shut up, okay, thanks now
anyway to get.
Speaker 8 (11:28):
Into the roast, obviously, you guys.
Speaker 9 (11:30):
Oh no, Bree, Yeah, I don't know who this guy is.
He looks like an art green before photo. Like usually
I know what Clint looks like with all his makeovers.
He loves a makeover. But there are you show me
your dick now, I've only been wrong about Clint one
(11:57):
time and my twenty year friend with him, and it was, oh,
you guys might know him? Is kunt sorry because you
guys have seen the marketing campaign. Obviously everyone thinks it's Brian.
Can't It was the same guy, Sharon and Kant. It's
just the way it is.
Speaker 8 (12:14):
But anyway, we were both working in.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
The station that she'll not be named, and.
Speaker 9 (12:19):
We were working in the music department and he came
back from Sydney and he's like, I spent the weekend
with Lucy and Lucy was my friend. And I was like, oh,
and how did that go? He goes, I think that
she likes me. I've never cackled so hard in my life.
I was like, there is no way that Lucy's light
will ever go out with you.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
I don't know what you.
Speaker 9 (12:37):
Did to her that weekend, because I know it wasn't
whatever that is, but for some reason, you've now married her,
had two absolutely beautiful children. And the one thing there's
so many great things about Lucy, there's nothing to roast
about her because she's such a phenomenal woman. But one
thing we can credit her and I would love you
guys to give her a run of applause.
Speaker 8 (12:57):
Lucy may Clint hot.
Speaker 9 (13:01):
Now if you were only learning about Clinton the post
Lucy era. This is Clint after Lucy, as you can see,
very handsome.
Speaker 8 (13:09):
He's like, oh, I'm a little bit ut green.
Speaker 9 (13:11):
If you just like cut off my head.
Speaker 8 (13:14):
But this is Clint before Lucy.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
And he would try and say this was for.
Speaker 9 (13:21):
A radio promo, but it wasn't like that was one
of his fashion eras.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
I think I.
Speaker 9 (13:26):
Don't know what this one was, but this one.
Speaker 8 (13:28):
Was like, I'm zach Efrom with a bit of edge.
Speaker 9 (13:31):
So once again for comparison, this is Clint before after Lucy.
Speaker 8 (13:35):
Look at that I had to put I had to
put an afterever.
Speaker 9 (13:38):
His penis, like his genes, says, are very crotch heavy.
Speaker 8 (13:43):
But before Lucy.
Speaker 9 (13:48):
He would not look let go of those sunglasses for
the longest time.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
It's horrific.
Speaker 9 (13:53):
But the thing about Clint is that he's like a labrador,
like he bounds on in. He's always super loud, Like
I remember early in his internship.
Speaker 8 (14:02):
Everyone used to call him Boomer. He has this like.
Speaker 9 (14:05):
Big body, is always like knocking things around, and if
you give him a fright, he will punch you.
Speaker 8 (14:11):
So like don't do that.
Speaker 9 (14:12):
One time I gave him a fright and he threw
a cup of hot tea on me and it was
really not an a pleasant experience. So don't give him
a fry Clint, do you have a mic, then shut
the fuck up. He also has this, like really dramatic
fear of rotten fruits, so because we work in radio,
(14:33):
we decided to put him in a casket full of
rotten fruit. He was such a little bitch. I, however,
smoked at this time, and I remember having the most
delightful holiday mint goal while watching him in there, and
he hated it.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
It was great. He also had a lot of.
Speaker 9 (14:51):
Bizarre ideas, Oh fuck not the light. Okay, let mes
give your head. You guys don't care about meat tits?
Do you do you care about meat tits?
Speaker 1 (14:56):
No?
Speaker 2 (14:56):
He will tits once.
Speaker 9 (14:57):
You want to see what a brath felt like. He
also we wanted a part tour once with Gazz from
Jordie Shore, who was supposed to send a video for
you guys tonight to watch. But basically Gazz's memory of
Clint was that he spent the entire tour trying to
be his best friend, and one night he took Gaz's
phone and followed himself. But Gazz just wanted you to
(15:17):
know that he has finally unfollowed you. Yeah, I guess
I'd better get on to Bree real quick before I
pushed off the stage.
Speaker 8 (15:27):
So rees, but.
Speaker 9 (15:29):
Basically when they announced his show.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Was so jealous.
Speaker 9 (15:33):
I cried, But then I remembered that Brie would now
have to put up with the fact that Clint's too
scared to fart in front of his wife, and she got.
Speaker 8 (15:39):
Hot box by his part.
Speaker 9 (15:41):
But then it turned out that Bree is quite a
stinky birch and she was doing the same thing. She
also went to Lone Star and got a free meal
because someone thought she was me. But jokes on her
because I then spent the next decade going yday guys
on Brie from ZM whenever somebody was getting pissed off
with the edge, and it was great height you guys
lost a lot of listeners from that.
Speaker 8 (16:03):
Anyway, I've got to wrap this up now.
Speaker 9 (16:05):
Who was great to hear some laughs out of Clint.
We've got the stuff and the laugh that you like
to do, so that was great.
Speaker 8 (16:12):
They have a great rest of your night. If anyone
wants to rest of the slide show.
Speaker 9 (16:15):
You can find me out back because I'm so desperate
to like talk to people, So thanks.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
Moving along, our next roaster is the loveliest man in
comedy who doesn't have a bad word to say about anyone.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
It's Tom, So it's bread.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Hi everyone, I'm Tom.
Speaker 10 (16:41):
Yeah, Hi everyone, I'm Tom. And when I was first
asked to do a roast, I wanted to say no
because I'm not much of a roast comedian and I
like to be nice and I don't like teasing people
to their faces. But then I was told I was
going to be roasting Breed, Thomas el and Clint Roberts.
(17:01):
I thought this writes itself. But before I roast these
gorgeous honeys, and they really are, I just want to
dress my fellow roasters and bring you the audience up
to speed on who you're dealing with tonight. First off,
we've got James Musterpeck, the oldest twink anyone's ever met.
James's one claim to fame is his mother Janet. They
(17:24):
do lots of comedy together and that's the only thing
that gets any traction. In fact, the only person who
hauls their mother out for content more than James is
Bree Thomas, all.
Speaker 4 (17:34):
With poor Diane being farted on constantly by the likes of.
Speaker 10 (17:42):
Oh Brienna, it's uncouth. Next, we've got e Tai dom Or.
Is my autocorrect lights to call him italy dominant? I
watched a comedy show with him and at once and
my friend said that reminds her of an adorable Koala
(18:02):
to Wich. I said, you've got the lamydia part right.
Then we've got Live Mackenzie. Don't let her cutes butter
wouldn't mount in her mouth looks full you oh no, no,
lives in empowered sexy for lack of a better word, tart.
(18:22):
And how do we know that Live is an empowered
sexy tart. It's because that's all she ever talks about
in her comedy shows. We get it Live, You've got
low self esteem. And then we've got Sharon Casey. Sharon's
done radio, She's done TV, she's done podcast. The only
thing she hasn't done at this stage is anything of quality.
Speaker 4 (18:48):
She's built a brand on being relatable.
Speaker 10 (18:50):
But let's face it, Sharon Casey has too much information personified.
And finally we've got our host Rhys Matheson Breese has
been on seven days more than any other guest comedian,
but no one ever recognizes him. I mean, look at
him when he's out in public. People presume he's a
wild man re entering society after living in the bush
(19:11):
for twenty years, living off wild pork and pooh trim
that bed mate.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
And then there's me Tom Sainsbury, or as most.
Speaker 10 (19:20):
People refer to me, the comedian you hire when Chris
Parker is unavailable or worse yet, Wait, isn't that wife
murderer Mark Lundy before the prison weight loss? But now
it's time to address the elephant in the room, and
I'm not referencing the room around James muster Picks downstairs area.
(19:43):
It's these show ponies, Clinton Roberts and Brie Thomasaw. First
of all, there's Brenton Clee individually, Bree Thomas L, who's
never looked as she good as good as she did
in her white crap prepants for her Woman's Day shoot,
which we've seen before.
Speaker 4 (19:56):
Can we see it, Claude one more time?
Speaker 10 (20:00):
Fantastic Breed Thomas L, a woman who has the confidence
of someone who's never once paused to think is this
actually interesting? Bree Thomas l whose only personality trait is Australian.
And then there's Clint Clint Roberts, the second most famous
(20:22):
Clint in New Zealand radio, Clint Roberts, who, when you
scroll through his Instagram, you're wondering does it even get
paid doing radio? Because what he's an influencer for?
Speaker 4 (20:34):
What is this?
Speaker 10 (20:35):
Miltary Energy, pet Insurance, Pepsi and Z, Fussy Cat pet Food, Samsung,
leg Go, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Clinton Roberts, whose oniest
stories leave you thinking, I guess you had to be there.
(20:55):
But how at least we have Clint looks good without
a shirt on. Can we see the next one, Claudia,
So take it down, go back to the Sorry you've
got the wrong Clint. Sorry, that's them, that's them individually,
but let's but together they are so much worse. The
Bri and Clint Show there's no tied TikTok trend. They
(21:18):
haven't dragged back into our consciousness. The Bri and Clint
Show the embodiment of the belief that If you're good looking,
you don't need any other redeeming qualities.
Speaker 4 (21:32):
The Bri and Clint Show the only.
Speaker 10 (21:33):
Radio the only radio show in New Zealand where people
more people actually watch the live stream than actually listen
to them on the radio, and that live stream is
usually muted. Have I personally found both Bri and Clint
highly attractive at times?
Speaker 4 (21:48):
Yes? Do I have a punchline for this joke?
Speaker 9 (21:53):
No?
Speaker 4 (21:56):
Is this even a joke?
Speaker 11 (21:58):
No?
Speaker 4 (22:00):
Have I just made this whole evening awkward? I think so?
Speaker 10 (22:05):
If I get invited back onto The Brie Clint Show
sometime in the future, will it still be awkward?
Speaker 4 (22:09):
Most? Probably?
Speaker 10 (22:10):
And am I regretting mentioning how attractive I find Brien Clint?
The Bri and Clint Show where the poor hosts Brien
Clint have to plunder every aspect of their lives for
content to talk about for three minute installments for their
ravenous listeners. Is Bri actually getting married and are they
actually expecting a baby or is this some desperate ployee
(22:32):
to have more listeners than The Edge afternoons? And how
and how desperate are they going to get for content
to keep the listenership engaged? Will bring Clint revert to
Shortland street style ploys. Will Clint, much like Dr Chris Warner,
have surprised triplets show up to enhance ratings, Or will
(22:54):
Bree have an accident and nasty falling, get amnesia and
only remember Clint when he was a Breing Clint Heartland
honey and hot honey chip under her nose. And speaking
of the Heartland hot and honey chip, I guess that
was the only time that Brian Clint had any taste insummation.
(23:17):
I guess our biggest takeaway from this roast is that
Briing Clint a living proof that attractive people can fail.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
Upwards for years.
Speaker 10 (23:25):
And that's inspiring because the rest of us we've had
to develop personalities.
Speaker 5 (23:29):
I love you both.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
We're back with more roasting in a sec.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
The roast of Brand Clint.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
This is the roast of Brian Clint.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
To make sure. Reminded me of a joke I forgot
too earlier, so I'm going to do it now. Clint
advertises pet food for cats, or, as he calls it,
the closest you'll ever get to eating pussy.
Speaker 5 (24:00):
Worth Going back for.
Speaker 3 (24:04):
Our next roaster has been on a first date with
at least ten different women in this room, and on
a second date with no woman in this room.
Speaker 4 (24:12):
It's e tied done.
Speaker 5 (24:21):
Hello.
Speaker 12 (24:23):
A couple of weeks ago, I got a call and
they were like, if there was no money in comedy,
would you still do it?
Speaker 4 (24:34):
Would you do it for free?
Speaker 12 (24:35):
That's not something you want to hear from your manager.
But I was like, yeah, man, I love comedy. That's
all I got here. I do want to say, this
is not the biggest room I've ever done.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Doesn't really mean much to me.
Speaker 12 (24:55):
The biggest room I've done is a sky City Theater,
seven hundred seats. Yes, thank you, thank you guys, but
thank you guys. But the smallest audience I've ever had
two people, same show.
Speaker 4 (25:10):
It was.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Riece Matthewson is here. Give it up for him.
Speaker 10 (25:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 12 (25:18):
Rice Mathison is the youngest ever recipient of the Billy T.
James Comedy Award. Yeah, Rice said, growing up, his dream
is to be just like Billy T.
Speaker 4 (25:28):
James.
Speaker 12 (25:29):
That's why in all his childhood photos he's always wearing blackface.
Liv Is here dressed like she's ready for ball.
Speaker 4 (25:40):
One oh one.
Speaker 12 (25:46):
Live is from Christchurch. But don't worry, she's not racist.
She'll slip with anyone, no matter if they're white or
Pokha leve to Live used to live in New York.
(26:06):
If you didn't know that, I guess you never talked
to Live for more than five seconds. Live was actually
the host of a TV and Z show called Cubicle Confessions.
The show came out in twenty twenty three, but if
you go home and watch it tonight, you can still
be one of the very first viewers.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
Hey, each eye jokes on you.
Speaker 6 (26:26):
You can't watch it because they took it off.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
You're right, the joke is on me.
Speaker 12 (26:38):
What are you talking about? Tom Sainsbury here looking like
a model for Farmers. Tom Sainsbury is known as the
snapchat guy. I don't know about you, but I think
it's pretty cool that a forty year old man still
use a snapchat. Tom Sainsbury created The Small Time Scandal.
(27:02):
It's a murder mystery podcast. It's eight hours long. If
you binge it in one go, it's a great night's sleep.
Sharon Casey here dressed like a geisha, or as you
might know her, Bryce Casey's wife. Okay, Sharon is actually
(27:23):
my favorite radio present. Oh sorry, this joke is from
twenty fifteen. I didn't know who they were. James Mustapick
is here looking fresh. Yeah, fresh from the nineties. James
(27:44):
actually one Celebrity Treasure Island.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
Yes, yes, very nice.
Speaker 12 (27:50):
By winning Celebrity Treasure Island, he raised one hundred thousand
dollars for charity.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Pretty good.
Speaker 12 (27:57):
The money went to a charity that helped people with
brain injuries. The charity is called the James Masterapig Fan Club.
James is recently single. I don't know why women are women. Okay,
(28:19):
Actually he just went through a breakup. His ex boyfriend
was a dentist. The reason they broke up is because
nine a a ten dentist, agreed James was a shitty boyfriend.
And now to the Men of the Hour, Brian Clint,
(28:43):
I wasn't sure I was allowed to say that when
I first This my first time meeting them. When I
first met them, I'll never forget what they said to me.
They said, hey, we didn't order uber eats. But listen, guys,
we're all here because we're fans, and I'm a fan.
I listen to the Brian Clint Drive Show on ZDAM
(29:06):
every day driving home from work. My favorite part of
the show my favorite part of the show. Every time
I go through a tunnel. Uh, Breeze from Australia, so
I'll talk slow.
Speaker 4 (29:20):
Uh.
Speaker 12 (29:22):
Brie is half Italian and half Australian, which means she's
angry but doesn't know why.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
Brie has written a book.
Speaker 4 (29:31):
Unapologetically me.
Speaker 12 (29:34):
Yes, she also recorded the audio version so the blind
can suffer too.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 12 (29:49):
Oh helly, I never got a standing ovation from a
farther Uh and apologetically me. That's Breeze autobiography. Now.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
I read it cover to cover and my only note
I wish it was about someone else.
Speaker 12 (30:08):
If you actually want to find this book, it's available
at Paper Plus in the Basic White Girl section right
next to the Sharon Casey book. Reading the book, I
learned some stuff about Brie. I learned that Brie hurt
her back when she was fifteen. Yeah, she hurt her
(30:29):
back when she was fifteen playing sports, and again in
twenty eighteen when she had to carry Clint. I honestly,
but honestly, I'm make a joke, but I think you're amazing, Bri.
I mean, you do so much. You're half an author,
and you know you host Celebrity Treasure Island. You're on
Taskmaster seven days and Clint you know, Bri.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Did you guys know this?
Speaker 12 (30:58):
If you look up Clint Roberts in Google, Google comes
up with did you mean to.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Look that up?
Speaker 12 (31:10):
I'm just joking. I will never use a waist start
looking him up.
Speaker 5 (31:17):
Now.
Speaker 12 (31:17):
Brit was very nice to me. I bought this book
and she signed it, and I'd love to give it
to one of you guys. First I was going to
actually give it to Clint because I know he never
read it.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
But but then.
Speaker 12 (31:29):
I was like, oh, you got to be able to read,
so so I would like to give it that would
anyone like it?
Speaker 1 (31:36):
You would like it? Are you gonna catch it?
Speaker 13 (31:41):
Hell?
Speaker 11 (31:41):
Ye?
Speaker 1 (31:41):
Everybody? Thank you very much for having me. Everybody. You
guys are awesome.
Speaker 3 (31:47):
Thank us very much, Rush, And now this time for
our final roaster.
Speaker 5 (31:57):
He makes an xIC.
Speaker 3 (31:58):
People feel fat and fat people feel hungry. It's James
Master beat what yes.
Speaker 11 (32:07):
Oh my gosh, thank you for that rece It's really
sad to see where Josh from Drake and Josh has
ended up.
Speaker 9 (32:16):
Now.
Speaker 14 (32:21):
No, it's great to be here, great to be amongst
my dear friends. Live McKenzie, dear friend of mine lives
very brave.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
She is brave.
Speaker 14 (32:29):
She actually heard that we need more women in the
comedy industry right now, more talented women in the industry,
and she decided to start doing comedy anyway. Okay, Etai,
that roast was the worst thing that someone from Israel
(32:51):
has ever done. Okay, and Sharon, shout up to Sharon.
Some of you might know Sharon was a judge on
the Mask Singer New Zealand. Did you know that, ironically,
(33:14):
Sharon's husband Bryce will only fuck her if she's wearing
a JJ Feenie mask and she pretends it's maneuver fucking
(33:34):
her from behind. Okay, okay, all right, okay, Clint, first things.
First of first things, first, Clint, this is coming from
a gay person. You are a Faggotorry, Sorry, just kidding, No,
(34:22):
I'm just kidding. You are straight and white and bland
as fuck. I want to hate crime you. You guys,
You guys host the afternoon drive show. And I am
really gay, really, so I'm really I'm glad that I'm
(34:43):
I'm glad that I'm gay.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
And I can't drive.
Speaker 14 (34:46):
Because I think that your show would make me want
to accelerate into moving traffic. You pickleball tournament, Valkra wallet
from Amazon surf Store, jerk off to anime every night.
I want to be DJ motherfucker. Okay now, Bri, brih Bri.
(35:15):
I am a huge fan of your mom, Mama Die
and Mama Die. If you're out there, I'd just like
to say it's not too late to have an abortion.
Speaker 4 (35:30):
I've known you for a long time.
Speaker 14 (35:31):
Now, Bri, and I have to commend you because I
know over one hundred bisexual women and you are the
only one that has ended.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
Up with a woman.
Speaker 4 (35:43):
You diky bitch.
Speaker 14 (35:47):
And of course you got engaged this year to your
beautiful partner, Saphia.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
Yeah, give it up Beer.
Speaker 14 (35:55):
The relationship between you two, it honestly makes me think
maybe gay marriage should be illegal. Bri, You've had a
crazy life. Some of you might not know, but Brie
was actually held at knife point when she was nine
years old during a home invasion. Really sad that she's
(36:16):
still here today. And in Bree's Bookcally said when she
(36:45):
was howled at knife point, it was ten minutes, but
it felt like hours. And I actually read the book
of the guy who held Bri at knife point and
he said it felt like ours because Brie wouldn't shut
the fuck up. A week ago, Brie, you shared some
amazing news. Your partner Saphire is pregnant. H A Saphia.
(37:11):
If you're out there tonight, I just like to say,
it's not too late to know.
Speaker 4 (37:15):
No joking.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
Okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 5 (37:28):
There's a reason we put the malass.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
We're back with more roasting in just a sec.
Speaker 15 (37:36):
This is the roast of Brian Clint.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
The Roast of Brian Clint.
Speaker 3 (37:41):
Now move on to the right of reply. They will
be speaking one of the time. So first please welcome
Crocodile Dungarese Brie Thomas O.
Speaker 2 (38:03):
Holy shit, I need to recover from that.
Speaker 15 (38:05):
James.
Speaker 4 (38:06):
Wow.
Speaker 13 (38:08):
Thanks everyone for giving me a whole bunch of new
shit to talk about in therapy. I feel like I've
been psychologically waterboarded. If my therapist is here, I'm about
to make you a rich woman. Just kidding. She fired me.
Please give it up for our host, Hagrid. Mate, you
(38:35):
have done a bloody fantastic job hosting this thing, and
to think you were our seventh choice.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
Now this is a true story.
Speaker 13 (38:45):
When I messaged Reece about coming on board to host
the roast, and I quote he said, is.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
It going to be pork or is it going to
be lamb?
Speaker 4 (38:55):
You heavy set motherfucker.
Speaker 13 (39:00):
Reese looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway if Tom found
an entire native tribe and ate the whole lot. Reese,
you look like my weed dealer, which reminds me.
Speaker 4 (39:14):
Can I see you after the show?
Speaker 8 (39:17):
Reese?
Speaker 2 (39:18):
You look like a younger, unhealthier version.
Speaker 13 (39:20):
Of duncan Ghana.
Speaker 4 (39:26):
I'm not too sure.
Speaker 13 (39:27):
Do you identify as a loaded baked potato or what?
Speaker 2 (39:36):
Tom Sainsbury's here.
Speaker 13 (39:41):
Tom doesn't like people knowing how old he really is,
which is a shamee, Tom, because you look really good
for your age.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
Fuck alright, these next jokes aren't going to go down.
Speaker 4 (39:55):
Well, there's a lot more of this.
Speaker 13 (39:57):
Tom Sainsbury is so old that he signed the Treaty
of White Tongueing as a parent and or guardian. Tom
Sainsbury is so old his pronouns a hunter gatherer. Tom
Sainsbury is so old that he ejaculates dust.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
Which is crazy because.
Speaker 4 (40:20):
I don't know if you know.
Speaker 13 (40:21):
Tom actually donated his sperm to or lesbian couples so
they could have a baby, yes, which was actually the
catalyst for the government to change the law to stop
gay comedians donating sperm. So glad you got in before
that came. James Muster Pickers here, or as some of
(40:44):
you might know him as Wayland Smithers and mister Burne's
love child. Excellent stuff tonight, or should I say excellent stuff?
James has the confidence of a straight white man and
the posture of an old one. James, you might be
(41:11):
the only person I know who leaves the room before
your posture? Does you put that dam in hunchback of
nutra damn Leve Mackenzie's here, whereas she's known down to
the clinic a regular.
Speaker 2 (41:34):
Fun fact.
Speaker 13 (41:34):
Live was the only person tonight who had to pass
a background check to be a part of Tonight's roast,
which she did pass. However, you did test positive for
being a massive slut. Also, you've got chlamydia again. Now now,
don't judge her. Live Mackenzie has been through a lot
(41:56):
in her life, a lot of dick. Live, most famously
known for Nellie derailing the hashtag me too movement with
her own movement hashtag why not me Too? Liv says
(42:17):
she's bisexual, with which I think has nothing to do
with how she identifies. I think it has everything to
do with her being a whore and wanting to double
her rods. Ety Dom, you bald headed fuck Thanks for
(42:37):
covering up tonight amazing stuff. I've given you a five
star rating. Thanks for getting me to the venue. Also
another thanks for being the diversity high for tonight's show
means a lot. When I first saw Eta, I thought, Wow,
(43:01):
Stanley Tucci must have a tapeworm. You might recognize this
guy from The Bachelorette New Zealand where he was eliminated
in the first round, proving women can sense danger early. Etai,
(43:24):
you look like a youth pastor who sells ketamine to children.
E Tai is actually a qualified engineer, which is very impressive.
So that makes you an engineer and a comedian. Jeez,
may leave some pussy for the rest of us. And
(43:46):
then there was fellow X radio announcer Sharon Casey.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
Now look, Sharon, I know you didn't.
Speaker 13 (43:54):
Really take the piss out of me tonight, and I
don't want to take the piss out of you either,
because clearly your hairdressers or he done that.
Speaker 2 (44:05):
Did you show her a picture.
Speaker 13 (44:07):
Of Lord farquaht and say, oh love what he's having.
Speaker 2 (44:13):
You look like Professor Snape's dad.
Speaker 13 (44:18):
And now to the man of the hour, my co
host friend the boring to my funny Clinton, Paul Roberts.
Clint famously has the tiniest nipples ever documented.
Speaker 2 (44:33):
On a grown man.
Speaker 13 (44:34):
And you know what they say about tiny nipples, tiny dick,
and it's true. I accidentally saw it one time and
I thought it was a garnish. Clint's dick is so
small even Jetstar allow him to take it on board
as carry on. Clint's dick is so small it's allowed
(44:56):
to order off.
Speaker 2 (44:56):
The kid's menu. Fun fact about.
Speaker 13 (45:05):
Clint, He's actually a bit of a prude, which has
meant that over the years I've been banned from talking
about certain things on the radio. This is serious, and Clint,
I'm not going to talk about those things tonight because
I'm a friend. I'm definitely not going to talk about
the time you drank horse seamen at the Hoka Tika
Wild Foods Festival. I'm not going to talk about it.
(45:28):
I'm also not going to talk about the time you
shaved your pubes into towels and thought it was appropriate
to then use that towel to dry your face. And
I'm definitely not going to talk about the time as
a nineteen year old Clint went to a radio survey
party and hooked up with a fifty.
Speaker 2 (45:46):
Year old woman from HR.
Speaker 12 (45:52):
No.
Speaker 13 (45:53):
I am not going to talk about those things because
I love you and I'm a friend. Clint is always
worried that his wife doesn't lie him, and he should
be because it's true.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
I mean, it's not like.
Speaker 4 (46:05):
What's not to like about Clint.
Speaker 13 (46:07):
He's a middle aged white man who's still DJs. Sorry,
He's got the physical prowess of a melted candle, and
he looks like David Seymour without a beard. Clint and
his wife Lucy have two beautiful daughters who will grow
up one day look at Clinton realize shit, mum could
(46:28):
have done better. No, but for real, this man cares
about three things. He cares about family, he cares about
being famous, and money in that order.
Speaker 2 (46:44):
He truly is a great dad, though, but he would
push his kids.
Speaker 13 (46:47):
Down a hill in an instant to get another deal
with New World for paid partnerships.
Speaker 5 (46:54):
He really would.
Speaker 13 (46:57):
Has anyone ever noticed that Clint's name in all cat
looks like a rude word, which is appropriate because that's
how most people describe him, a massive cunt. To wrap
things up, Clint, I'm lucky to call you a mate.
Speaker 4 (47:11):
You've got a.
Speaker 13 (47:12):
Beautiful family, a solid career, and most importantly, you've somehow
managed to make me look like the talented one I
love you.
Speaker 3 (47:30):
Did anyone else pick up on the fact that that's
the second co host that's accidentally seen Clint's penis? Once
is an accident. Twice is a pattern of behavior. Well,
we've got one speaker left and last, but certainly it's Clint.
Speaker 15 (47:49):
Rob Any one of them's actually seen my penis? Okay. Also,
don't threaten James must have picked with a good time. Okay,
(48:10):
thank you to Reys Matthewson. When we were picking a
host for tonight, we requested either Reys Darby or Eli Matthewson.
Speaker 1 (48:18):
So it's good to get the worst of both worlds.
Speaker 15 (48:23):
Sharon's here, or as I call her, Jonavan Ben's least
favorite sidekick. Sharon has a podcast which I enjoy not
listening to. She recently posted on Instagram that she took
two panad dole and two neurofends so that she could
sit through a regular movie, which is rich coming from
someone who's been a massive pain in my ass for
(48:45):
two fucking decades now. Sharon savaged me tonight, which is fair.
She also said kunt on television once when she was
the host of Dancing with the Stars, but she swears
she he was just referring to Dominic Bowden by his
official pronouns he identifies as aunt. James Musterpeck looks like
(49:11):
the guy from Heated Rivalry if he had anorexia and
was somehow gayer. James recently filmed a television show where
he tried to find a man for his beautiful mother,
which was ultimately unsuccessful. Can I suggest Etai dom because
he's proven he is a real motherfucker. We're very happy
(49:38):
to have you here, but it's crazy that you are
here because who's working at the kebab and.
Speaker 1 (49:42):
Sushi shop on k Road?
Speaker 15 (49:46):
Let me get it. Etie sounds really stoned when he
talks because he is Love Mackenzie is here.
Speaker 1 (49:58):
I Love Live.
Speaker 15 (50:01):
Live recently performed at the Melbourne Comedy Festival to no one.
That's right, isn't it live? Yeah? She put up an
Instagram story from the shower talking about it. It was
a beautiful metaphor. She was naked, both emotionally and physically,
bearing her soul and her body, which, much like her
(50:21):
comedy festival show, nobody wanted to see.
Speaker 6 (50:33):
I Washed It still tickets available tomorrow eight fifteen.
Speaker 15 (50:38):
I Washed It on mute, but I'll watch anything. How
incredible is Tom Sainsbury? Everybody, We're lucky to have him here.
You may have found out tonight that Tom Sainsbury is
a sperm donor, as opposed to James Musterpeck, who identifies
as a sperm receiver. No, but really Tom is a
(51:02):
sperm donor. And an unrelated news, Bree's having a baby.
You do the math. Tom is famous for his impersonations
of politicians whose careers abruptly end shortly after the impersonation.
Jasinda Paula, Judith Simon. Tom, if you could please post
(51:24):
an impersonation of Fletch Vaughan and or Hayley Brie and
I would really appreciate the promotion. Speaking of Bree, where
would I be without Brie? Probably still working with Sharon.
Bree once got upset with me for reminding people that
(51:46):
she has.
Speaker 1 (51:46):
A very hot brother, which she does.
Speaker 15 (51:50):
She said it was unfair and that I was suggesting
that she was ugly by association. So let me be
very clear, Brie also has a very hot father. Brie
prides herself on her sporting accolades. She never misses a
chance to remind us of the time she had a
(52:11):
scholarship to Florida University for softball, or her dominance on
the soccer field, or how good she was at basketball.
We get a Bri, You've been gay for a long time.
A long time. Bree will do almost anything for a deer.
I once challenged her to drink two liters of milk
for no reason, and even though she's lactose in tolerant,
(52:36):
she did it, proving.
Speaker 1 (52:37):
She would rather shed herself to death.
Speaker 15 (52:40):
Than lose a bet. Bre spent thousands of dollars getting
a diagnosis for ADHD recently.
Speaker 1 (52:51):
Which is fucked because she.
Speaker 15 (52:53):
Has the attention span of a moth and a lamp
shop pre mentally has it's fourteen browser tams open at
all times, and one of those.
Speaker 1 (53:03):
Tams is playing music.
Speaker 15 (53:06):
Helen fucking Keller could have diagnosed you with ADHD.
Speaker 1 (53:14):
Bree has read.
Speaker 15 (53:16):
Less books than the entire cast of Love Island. She
gets mad at me when I ask her if she's
read certain books. She's judgmental of people who do read books,
which has messed up man, because you literally wrote a book,
didn't read it.
Speaker 1 (53:34):
True story.
Speaker 15 (53:35):
The only time Brie read her own book is when.
Speaker 1 (53:36):
She voiced the audio book. That's a true story.
Speaker 15 (53:40):
But that's not fair of me, because I didn't read
your book either, Sigmund Freud said about prodiction, the thing
I can't accept about myself, I will attack in you,
which is why I believe Bree likes to bully our
producer Claudia for being a vest wearing lesbian. Bree left
(54:03):
Australia just after they legalized gay marriage because no one
wanted to fuck her. I joke about the lesbians, but
I'm just mad because they pull off my haircut better
than I do. I know they're here because of Bri,
and I actually believe we wouldn't have half the ratings
(54:24):
we do if it wasn't for them. Can I get
some noise from the Lisbo's in the crowd? I knew
it as soon as I saw the Subaru foresters in
the car park.
Speaker 1 (54:34):
I fucking.
Speaker 15 (54:36):
Knew it. In all seriousness, though Brie is one of
the kindest, most thoughtful people I know, and she's honest
to a fault.
Speaker 1 (54:45):
Bri did admit.
Speaker 15 (54:47):
Live on radio to doing a Pooh in the sea,
a moment that now defines her career, and went on
to a mess over five million views online.
Speaker 1 (54:59):
To this today, we still receive texts.
Speaker 15 (55:02):
From listeners daily reminding Brie about the time she shared
and the sea, and I personally hope that never changes.
Speaker 5 (55:09):
Thank you very much, And that about wraps it up.
Speaker 3 (55:21):
But I just want to say on behalf of all
of us, like, we love you guys so much. Thank
you for giving us the chance to do this with
it such a lovely evening, and I think we deserve
to give them their flower. Stand up guys one more time.
Pleas here for brand Clint maximized.
Speaker 2 (55:38):
That was the Roast of Brian Clint.
Speaker 13 (55:41):
Caen to see more of the funny stuff and what
went on behind the scenes, well you can follow us
on instag at Brian Clint
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