March 29, 2020 • 28 mins
What better way to have a podcast than to make sure you, the listener, are a part of the fiasco! Ben and his bombastic wingman jump quickly into a a giant haystack to see exactly what it is you want. They turn the tables around to answer your inquiries so sit back and give it a listen!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
If you thought more hours a day, minutes a week
was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants of
the old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He treats
crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the rich
pill poppers in the penthouse the clearing House of hot
takes break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with
(00:23):
Ben Maller starts right now. That it does, and we
are ready to ignite the engine is what we're gonna
do here and fan the flames of marginal conversation. Not
so much as sports talk show. This is just I
don't know what you would describe the Fifth Hour. It's
morphed into something else. We actually we've had our rebellion
here and the show about nothing much like the Overnight
(00:46):
shows a show about nothing. This show pretty much about nothing.
But we are ready to go. It's me Mallard and
Gascon helping you and your social distancing, and I'm all
about that social distance boss. On this episode of the
Fifth Hour, we have studied this, actual studies will examine
those and don't stick to sports stories of the week.
(01:08):
Guests gone, my god, this is so much extra work.
I can't believe it. Here guests. Guy, I'm waiting for
the day that I get the thank you from you
after doing a podcast like a job. You know, good
job out on the back, appreciate the effort. Let's do
this again next week. Let's run it back. No, well,
(01:28):
you are the narcissist, as we've talked about, and entirely true.
You know that to be true. Um, but no, I'm
not a guy that stops and smells the roses. Well
I don't stop and smell the roses. To be fair,
the Mallard train has come to a full complete stop
over the next probably a month, month and a half. Yes,
I think the Mallard train is not gonna be moving
(01:50):
for maybe till June. Oh boy, imagine this has got
good till June. The recession that will follow if we
don't have people working. We need sports, baby, we need
fucking sports. Yeah, we definitely do. All right, So let's
get to study this in the way this bit works.
If you're new to the podcast, and I understand, we've
(02:12):
got more people listening now than ever because people are
really desperate for things to listen to, even crappy shows
like this. So, uh, the study this bit. Is it
real or bullshit. I love these science reports. I read
these websites all the time, and then we try to
determine whether or not this has any muscle or just
completely made up crap. First one comes from a Nike.
(02:35):
Nike backed researchers have invented a wearable ankle echo skeleton.
They say that makes running fourteen percent easier compared to
normal running shoes. So it's a they're gonna reinvent the
running shoe. The invention, they say there was likely years
away from hitting stores different Nike stores, but they claim
(02:56):
it could eventually keep people running later in life or
when injured. About that, I'm gonna call bullshit on that
because even if it helps your feet, what does it
do for your knees and your hips? Well, that's the
running problem. I I will tell you my dad and
my my brother in New York is a big runner.
(03:17):
He's run the New York Marathon multiple times, and he's
in a running club and they just like run around
the Midtown Manhattan area and all that. He for a
while was running not barefoot, but he had essentially it
was essentially barefoot. It was just like a thin layer
like a sock type thing that I used. Some people
(03:37):
in the running community have that, and he loved that.
He did that for a long time. Those were the
kind of shoes of the war. Um. And they were
kind of like from the Roman era, you know, like
how in movies how they the Hollywood trope of what
the shoes were like sandals, kind of like sandals, but
they were like a sock type thing that there wasn't
a lot there. Um. Yeah, I'll believe it when when
(03:59):
I see it. And that sounds like a marketing marketing bullshit,
get mick. But I'll tell you what. They got a
lot of money. Like I'll tell you what, Ben, I
will say this, and I don't know if you've gone
this way, but I don't care what it is. If
it's made and manufactured out of China, I'm not buying it.
It's hard to do that. Everything is manufactured in Chin.
(04:21):
You know what I did earlier this week, I was
looking for some resistance bands. I was looking for some weights.
And the first thing I did with my inquiries I
as I specifically asked the company for the email or
the group chat, Hey where is this manufactured out of?
And they give me the answer, and I said, all right,
peace out. Well. Part of the problem too is sometimes
they'll be manufesting. They'll be put together in the US,
(04:44):
but the parts are manufactured in China. They'll they'll get
you that way as well. We made it here, but
it's you know, Chinese merchandise. Yeah, that's the unfortunate thing.
I'm gonna do my best alright. A new study out
dismisses the longstanding report. Were at the ten thousand steps
is the heart and fast rule. That's for you. That
(05:05):
new Yeah, I've been living the ten thousand steps thing
for a while. They say that new research indicates that
walking eight thousand steps is associated with a fifty one
lower risk of all cause mortality when compared to hitting
just four thousand twelve thousand steps was associated with a
(05:26):
sixty five lower risk. So they say that, you know,
eight thousand's good, twelve thousand would be better, but not
to ten thousand them. That's what they claim according to
this new research. I wonder what our daily steps are
like nowadays, because earlier this week it was not good
for me. I didn't leave my I didn't leave my room,
(05:48):
I didn't leave my bed. Ben One of these days,
I think it was like Monday, or Tuesday. I didn't
leave my bed until I had to go take a
piss at like four or five o'clock in the afternoon.
And then I got up and sad to jump rope
and do some push ups and sit ups in the back,
and I strained my groin doing it. It was painful,
(06:08):
and I'm like, what the fund is wrong with me? Now?
I'm looking at age and my dirt. You're in your sixties,
so you should have already looked if I If I'm
in my sixties, and what are you? You're in triple
digit's my friend I have. I'm like a fine wine.
You're like milk man, you were like fucking milk. I'm
actually better now than I was. It's true. I'm in
(06:29):
better condition now than I when I was in my twenties.
See that two or three years to your life now,
well I probably took away about ten, so maybe I've
gained a couple back, all right? Moving on, a dust
off the rubber duckies. According to a new study out
this week, they find that taking a nice blank daily
(06:51):
can reduce one's risk of dying because of cart do
you think of ship? Uh? No, it's a bath a
day lead bath, a hot bath, gascon can reduce your
risk of getting a heart attack or a stroke. Uh,
they say, well, taking a bath once or twice a
week is beneficial. Researchers found that a daily bath that
(07:14):
people who did this were in even better condition. Essentially,
the more often you go in the bathtub. According to
the research, there are some amazing benefits related to the bath.
And they say that a hot bath daily you had
a tent lower risk of developing cardiovascular disease, a twenty
six percent lower overall risk of suffering a stroke. And
(07:38):
this is where I need to point out gascon that
I think this is kind of bullshit, but I can't.
I don't fit in. We have a might I have
a shower. I don't have a bath in the place.
I take a shower in our house, and the bathtub
we have in the house, I don't fit in. I'm
too tall for the bathtub, my legs are too I
don't really fit in there. So I told my wife
(07:58):
when we were looking for a house, I said, the
one thing I would like is a really ninth vathub.
I need a bathtub. And I said, also we need
double vanity. Those double vanity sinks I didn't get either
of those things. Did not get either of those things.
Guess can I tell you a quick and good bath story.
Who doesn't like a good bath story? All right, So
(08:20):
be sure to catch live editions of The Ben Maller
Show weekdays at two am Eastern eleven pm Pacific on
Fox Sports Radio and the I Heart Radio app. Early
two thousand's, I went out to Vegas for a weekend
with this girl that I had just met. It was random,
but she was a party girl and I knew we
were gonna have a good time, and I had some
(08:40):
friends that invited me out there anyway. So I went
to the Setar's Palace and I was fortunate enough through
a friend to get the room comped. It was a
suite that we had comp there, so it was it
was me and her and the first night that we
got their band, we were at a couple of night
clubs and we parted all night into the morning time,
and we got back the hotel room was like three
(09:01):
or four o'clock in the morning and she's like, let's
go take a bath. And it wasn't the regular bathtubs
that they have at some of these hotels. It was
one of those giant jaccuzzy bathtubs that they have in
the sweets. So we were obviously liquored up, and I
was like, all right, I'll put on some music, We'll
grab a couple more drinks. I'll put on the bath
right now, put the water on, and then we'll obviously
(09:22):
jump in when this thing gets filled up. Ben, we
had one drink kicked off, the shoes, um passed out,
and before you know it, as soon as they came
with the I flooded the room. I flooded the fucking site.
It was phenomenal. So it happened what happens when you
(09:43):
flood a hotel room at Caesar's Palace? Did they put
did they break the door down and get in there?
Because the water is coming through on probably out the
door and into the hallway. So I woke up just
in the nick of time. And when I did do that,
like the only thing that was damaged was the bathroom
and part of the suite. Our our bags were were
a little wet, but I put everything else up in
(10:04):
the bed and they actually brought two maintenance crews in
there with these vacuums that basically just soaked up all
the water and uh and they flat out told us
they must have this must happen. Yeah, that's exactly what
they said, that like, this isn't the first time it's happened.
Don't worry about it. And I was like, yeah, you know,
like and I got away from us da da da da,
(10:25):
and uh yeah they switched out rooms for us too.
It was great. Wow, all right, there you go. I
know you've you have a lot of bath stories and
and next podcast will do the bathhouse stories. David Guescott,
a regular the bath House, he used to love. Going
there back would be judgmental. I know it's beneath you.
And then wait till we do the podcast. You actually
(10:47):
were the original Bob Kraft. You're tugging run and you've
done a lot of that, all right. Researchers from Duke
and Vanderybilt Universities are dismissing that meme, you know, get
off my lawn the old person. They say they have
concluded that older adults are actually quite happy, more emotionally stable,
and better equipped to resist the temptations of life. Take
(11:11):
that being a boomer is a good thing. How about that?
Guess guy, I believe that I don't know, is your
dad like this or no, um, my dad is. He's
got a good routine, but it's all thrown off because
of the coronavirus. And I've had to yell at him
like every night, don't go out. You don't need to
go out, and he keeps wanting to go out and socialize.
(11:33):
He never socialized before. Now all of a sudden, he's
a social butterfly. And but yeah, he doesn't. He does
not do any of the vices of life as far
as I know. I mean, I don't not around him
all the time. But yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, you know,
our colleague Rob Parker's like this. Like Rob has said
to me numerous times, he doesn't look at anything in
the back. He doesn't pay attention to any social media.
(11:55):
He just he lives his life. Now we're like back
in the day, he'd have to worry about certain things
or he has that like the inner voice, and now
it's completely different. And obviously it just comes with age
and wisdom and experience of it all. Yeah, I'm much better.
I used to be paranoid every day. When I first
started on radio, I was like, oh, I'm gonna get
fired today. Oh my god, I'm gonna lose my job.
(12:16):
I was like the prince of paranoia. And then at
some point, after I got fired a couple of times,
I was like, who gives a fuck, you know, I'll
just get another job somewhere. And I don't remember exactly
when that moment was, but it was after a couple
of times being whacked from jobs that I was like,
I don't really care, you know, I just stopped thinking
about it. I stopped worrying about it. I was like,
(12:37):
I'll just do the job, and as long as I'll
have me, I'll do it. And then i'll do something
else than somebody, some other dope will hire me, and
then I'll work for them. And it really is a
lot of weight lifted off your shoulders. Once you get
past that point of always like looking over your shoulder, like,
oh crap, they're gonna get me today, you know, it's
a lot better. All right, These are actual studies by
(12:58):
actual universities and whatnot. Let's see here, all right. A
new study conducted at Washington State University finds that rural babies,
babies born out in the sticks, and urban babies tend
to act differently about that. Surprisingly, the research indicated that
baby is born in rural America display negative emotions like
(13:21):
anger or frustration much more often than city babies. Wow,
I think this is bullshit. I'd have to look into
this more. Like what does a baby know whether they're
born out in the sticks or they're born in Manhattan.
You know what I'm saying. How do you know? I
was fucking you don't know anything when you're born. Yeah,
(13:44):
I wasn't gonna say. I would think this is reversed
just because the busy city life, Like if you're in
a metropolitan area and anyways, see like the outer outer
skirts of a woman, that kind of breeds into the
to the baby's life. So if they're like high volatility,
if there's stress, if there's emotion, if there's like something loud,
(14:06):
that gets reflected into the baby at birth, but the
other way around. Like, I don't know if I believe
that too much, especially in country life. Yeah, I don't
know how many babies they study to come up to
that number. It's probably a very small amount. They also
say that urban babies are calmer, less fussy, and not
as bothered by rule about that. It's fascinating. Um, now
(14:27):
I have my two nieces that live in New York
where they grew up in New York City, So they
grew up in Manhattan. Like they neither one of them drives,
and they're both of the age to drive. They don't
need to drive because they live in Manhattan. You know,
you take the subway around and like they take the
subway to high school. How crazy is that? Right? So yeah,
(14:48):
I mean you do have to kind of follow the
rules of the street when you but that that's they're
they're grown up now, they're not little babies. So it's
it's a much different dynamic. And I'm gonna call bullshit
on that, like on that all right. Geologists have this
is from the University of California Riverside, have discovered humanity's
(15:08):
earliest ancestor. You want to hear your earliest answers? There
is a worm, that's right. They discover the earliest known
ancestor to most animals alive on this planet today, including
us humans, is believed to have lived over five hundred
and fifty five million years ago. It's a big, giant,
(15:31):
fat worm. I'm looking at it right here. It's got
a name I can't even pronounce because I don't I
mean this these science has come up with the science
community comes up with these really fucked up names. But uh,
it's a big warm, is what it is. So there
you go. We're all related to worms. Doesn't that excite? Yes? Yes,
I would love to see Marcel pronounce that. Then our
(15:51):
great newsman boy Marcel really upsets people. I'm fascinated by
the group of people that get triggered by a caller
to a radio show. Know you know, it's like I
got any another email today from a guys. I have
listened to you for seven years and I loved your show.
But when Marcel comes on on and off the radio,
I can't hear Marcel, why do you give that moron
(16:13):
the year? You get people to get bent over Roberto
playing a drop or two, and it's just it's just
bafflet Yeah, wait a minute, listen. We've had our guy
fun House in New York, the great fun House, Internet
legend Funhouse. I love the guy to death, but he
can't stand up Bell. He stopped listening to our show
because of the Bell. This is the guy that has
(16:33):
a lot of muscle now because he's the number one
go to guy for sports media. He's the number one
Twitter critic for sports radio. And he's been a Mallem
Militia guy for decades and he's a listening line. He
goes back to the Johada John days when Jehada John
was a senior general in the Mallem Militia from Michigan.
And then Johada John quit the show because he got
(16:54):
upset that the Lions were no good and the Cubs
won the World Series and he just gave up sports.
But we go way back, but he will not listen
because Roberto incessantly plays the bell. Good on him, So
standard ground fun House, Goodbye Roberto, Goodbye Roberto, or goodbye
fun House, Goodbye fun House. I love fun House. I
(17:14):
love that guy. He's very entertaining. He just kills your
guy coward though, just kills your my guy. It's your guys,
your guy, he's your guy. You guys share the same
air waves. You guys are our host. You know, three
or four hours towards an icon. He's a legend. I'm
a I'm a nobody, I'm I'm an omega. He's an
alpha in the radio business. Be sure to catch live
(17:38):
editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am
Eastern eleven pm Pacific. Alright, anyway, moving on. According to
a new survey, Americans believe in twelve common superstitions. What
is the most believed superstition? Guest on? According to this
new survey, what's what do Americans believe more out of
(17:58):
all the twelve common super stitions? I know you don't know, dummy.
I'm just asking you to make conversation. Yeah, I understand
that I have to go deep into what the hell
people would consider a superstition. Um, breaking glass is bad luck?
That is one see breaking um a mirror? Right, isn't
(18:19):
a mirror? You're supposed to walking under a ladder, crossing
a black cat? Yeah? Um? The number thirteen um um
identical numbers on the clock. So if it's like one
eleven or eleven eleven, that's like supposed to be good luck.
You have to make a wish and something good will happen. Yeah,
there's that. Um, there's I mean, there's all kinds of
(18:43):
different things that you could come up. What do you
think that is most common that most of us, accorded
to this research, believe in um, if it rains on
your wedding day, it usually means a bad marriage. So
you think that is the that is incorrect. Uh. They
say that the most common superstition that is believed by
(19:04):
the mass majority is if you find a penny, it
brings you good luck. You find a penny walking around
good luck? Do you keep your change anymore? Um? I
don't buy a lot of stuff with cash, but when
I do, I have a jar, a Mason jar on
my desk and I just throw in the change and
(19:27):
I haven't done anything with it, but yeah, I keep it.
I do. I have a one of those big water
jugs and I'm still trying to fill it up. I'm
about like a third of the way up. So yeah,
I can lift it. I don't know if you could,
but I can lift it. I'll be curious to see,
like I know, I know moving that Matt probably wouldn't
be able to lift it. Um, it's very weak. And
(19:47):
that guy, right, that guy would again, he is a
Boston moving guy. He would eat you for lunch. Do
you understand he would? He would take you like a
volleyball and spike you in to the ground, is what
he would do. I think you're being a little bit
over dramatic on that. I'm not I've hung out with
a guy. Hey, by the way, our guy blind Scott.
He sent me an email. This is I love the
(20:09):
random emails I get from the p Ones, the Mallem
Militia guys. So I get this email from blind Scott
the other day. Let me go. I gotta go through
all these marked the full name guy emails because he's
been blowing up my my inbox, as we talked about
in a previous edition. So I get this message from
blind Scott randomly. All right. It says here, some lady
(20:32):
hit me with her car at a stopping shop. I'm okay.
She was like eighty years old. He then says she
dragged me a little bit. I didn't even get bruises
or a scratch though. So he got hit, he got bumped,
I guess is the way to describe it, Blind Scott
from an eighty year old woman at a stopping shop
(20:54):
on the Cape in Massachusetts. But great is that? But
what about his dog though? Because he always has his
on with him? Mentioned Kramer? Yeah, he didn't mention the
do Cramer? So I guess it was. I guess Kramer
was all right? All right, isn't Kramer is supposed to
warn you of a car coming, right, Yeah, typically talk
to him about it. I don't know alright. A recent
(21:15):
survey says the average American starts doing this around the
age of forty one to improve their health. See if
you get this one right, guest, let's say eating um, exercises,
no um. I'll say sleeping longer. Sleeping sleeping long right,
that is incorrect. They say that the average age forty one.
(21:38):
You improve your health by taking vitamins. And people are
taking vitamins around the age of forty one. Didn't we
take vitamins as kids. I took Flintstone vitaminst WWF vitamins,
hall Comania vitamins, the whole thing. Yeah, multi vitamins. I mean,
I load up on the vitamins now, but just because
of the climate that we're in. But I don't really
(21:58):
believe in the vitamins because I watched an episode of
Penn and Teller's Bullshit and they talked about how most
vitamins are complete bullshit and they just go right through
your system and it's it's all a scam fuck. So
you should watch that bullshit reruns and check it out,
all right. Uh, last one on the study, this and
we got some. Don't stick to sports stories. On average,
(22:19):
we eat about two hundred and fifty of these a year. Hamburgers, hamburgers, hamburgers, hamburgers.
No pizzas, not pezza, No britos, not burrito, tacos, No,
not taco You think guys in the Sheboygan or eating tacos.
There's a whole big country out there, dummy. Yeah, but
(22:40):
we can make up more it would you understand your crew?
We eat a lot. We consume a lot of food.
Not me anymore. I used to consume a lot, all right,
the answer gascon The average human being eats in America
two hundred and fifty eggs per year. About that. We
was to go through that trend like where eggs were
(23:02):
bad for you, now they're good for you, then they're
bad for you all cholesterol related. Yeah, yeah, I know.
It goes back. It's like everything you know, there's a
study that comes out, this is good for you, that
you do this, You're gonna live forever, and then ten
years later, don't do this, You're gonna die. It's the
same thing you were doing to live longer. It's the
same bullshit. We all have a fatal disease. We're not
getting out alive. I mean, just deal with it. Yes, Yeah,
(23:23):
Fox Sports Radio has the best sports talk lineup in
the nation. Catch all of our shows at Fox Sports
Radio dot com and within the I Heart Radio app.
Search f s R to listen live. All right, let's
move on. We have don't stick to sports stories. Oh, Lou,
are you a big fan of karma? Are? Do you
believe in karma? Uh? Sporadically, I have moods where I'm like, oh,
(23:50):
I better do this, or bad things gonna happen. Generally,
I don't really buy into it very much. I have
moments where I better not do that because that's bad,
bad juju. But most of the time, no, in I
bring that up because of this. Um, a so so
called social media influencer here in California, claims he's in
the hospital now and he's been diagnosed with the coronavirus
(24:11):
ben This is just a couple of days after the
fact that he was on videotape or on a camera
going through public restrooms and licking toilets, all a part
of an online challenge to lick toilets in a public setting. Yeah, um,
this is his brilliant is remember the Tide podcast. Yeah,
(24:33):
the genius. Now I have a theory here. I'm gonna
go deep state, all right, I think this guy is
full of ship. I don't think he has the coronavirus.
I think he's just doing this to get more publicity.
How about that, Well, it could be, but that's still
an expensive hospital of bill. I mean he took a
selfie of him in the hospital. How do you know
he didn't just walk in or has a friend that
works at a hospital and walked in there and took
(24:55):
a photo and then walked right out. No, because the
volume of people in hospitals right now, like they actually
they have people like segued into different even Nor if
it was a hot I mean, it could have been
just a medical facility somewhere that you think they're gonna
be an actual hospital hospital. You think they're wasting time
with these kids that are influencers. You think they paid them.
He might have paid them U plus from what we
(25:18):
understand the coronavirus. If you lick at toilet bowl on
a Monday, you're not going to get the coronavirus on
a Wednesday. Doesn't it take like about a week? The
symptoms to start showing up. Yeah, two to five, two
to five days, excuse me, you know, to show up.
So yeah, so it's not like you look at toilet
bowl and then here's the coronavirus. Put yourself out. How
about this to talking about alluring the curve or changing
(25:41):
the curve. Mexican protesters have shut down a US southern
border cross because they have fears about American travelers right now,
who will spread the coronavirus. I love this story. This
is great. So we've come full circle, right because for
so many years in my life it's like, well, you
gotta struck down the Mexican border, we can't let these
(26:02):
people to come into the US and all this stuff.
And now now Mexico is like, we don't feel safe.
America is hilarious. They have in Mexico they have right
now five confirmed cases of the coronavirus, and here in
the United States it's over sixty five thousand. Um. But
the way, because eat a lot of avocado. That's why
it's probably a good call. Yeah apparently so yeah, so
(26:23):
healthy with the avocado. Yeah, how about that, though, changing
all the way around we do from that is bizarro world.
If I had told you a couple of years ago,
when everyone was up in arms in the political theater
about Trump and the border and all this stuff, that
we get to a point where the people of Mexico
wanted to shut the border down. It's just great. You
(26:44):
can't make this crap up. That's how great is it
to be alive and see this unfold in front of
our eyes? It's just nuts. Speaking of nuts, how about this.
A woman has been arrested and charged with felony counts
of terrorist threats, threats to use a biological agent, and
criminal mischief. I don't know if you heard about this bend,
but this woman uh entered a grocery store and she
(27:04):
was making verbal threats that she was sick, and she
proceeded to cough and spit on merchandise and it costs
the store thirty five thousand dollars worth the product. And
she's out on bail now, on a fifty bond. Wow,
you know this is I thought about this the other day.
I went to Costco and everyone's looking at me. I
felt like I was back to the big fat guy
(27:25):
that tried to date and all the women gave me
the deaths. There. I was getting the desks there from everybody.
They're all wearing masks. It's a bizarre time to be alive.
And you see these people walking around like this. It's crazy.
Everyone's freaked out and they're all giving you a look.
You're gonna kill me? Do you have the corona? But
wouldn't this make a great episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm
where Larry goes around coughing to get people to go,
(27:48):
you know, run away from him. You know that'd be great.
Like I was in Costco and I I coughed for
a second and three people looked at me like whoa
he coughed. It's like you get a live grenade in
your hand, right. But I didn't even realize, Like I
didn't put two and two together. It took me like
a second then I realized, oh shit, and I probably
if I have to cough, I better really not. How
(28:08):
do you gotta hold the cough? You know? But when
I have to call if I cough, I don't usually
hold the cop but I have to get Now, when
you're out in public, you have to hold the cough. Yeah,
speaking of which, we gotta copper way out of here now, Ben,
time's up is that right. You gotta put the baby
to bed. Alright, very good. Follow me on social media
you can check get me out. I've got every platform
(28:29):
pretty much covered. We're on Instagram. Ben Maller on Fox
on Instagram
If you thought more hours a day, minutes a week
was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants of
the old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He treats
crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the rich
pill poppers in the penthouse the clearing House of hot
takes break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with
(00:23):
Ben Maller starts right now. That it does, and we
are ready to ignite the engine is what we're gonna
do here and fan the flames of marginal conversation. Not
so much as sports talk show. This is just I
don't know what you would describe the Fifth Hour. It's
morphed into something else. We actually we've had our rebellion
here and the show about nothing much like the Overnight
(00:46):
shows a show about nothing. This show pretty much about nothing.
But we are ready to go. It's me Mallard and
Gascon helping you and your social distancing, and I'm all
about that social distance boss. On this episode of the
Fifth Hour, we have studied this, actual studies will examine
those and don't stick to sports stories of the week.
(01:08):
Guests gone, my god, this is so much extra work.
I can't believe it. Here guests. Guy, I'm waiting for
the day that I get the thank you from you
after doing a podcast like a job. You know, good
job out on the back, appreciate the effort. Let's do
this again next week. Let's run it back. No, well,
(01:28):
you are the narcissist, as we've talked about, and entirely true.
You know that to be true. Um, but no, I'm
not a guy that stops and smells the roses. Well
I don't stop and smell the roses. To be fair,
the Mallard train has come to a full complete stop
over the next probably a month, month and a half. Yes,
I think the Mallard train is not gonna be moving
(01:50):
for maybe till June. Oh boy, imagine this has got
good till June. The recession that will follow if we
don't have people working. We need sports, baby, we need
fucking sports. Yeah, we definitely do. All right, So let's
get to study this in the way this bit works.
If you're new to the podcast, and I understand, we've
(02:12):
got more people listening now than ever because people are
really desperate for things to listen to, even crappy shows
like this. So, uh, the study this bit. Is it
real or bullshit. I love these science reports. I read
these websites all the time, and then we try to
determine whether or not this has any muscle or just
completely made up crap. First one comes from a Nike.
(02:35):
Nike backed researchers have invented a wearable ankle echo skeleton.
They say that makes running fourteen percent easier compared to
normal running shoes. So it's a they're gonna reinvent the
running shoe. The invention, they say there was likely years
away from hitting stores different Nike stores, but they claim
(02:56):
it could eventually keep people running later in life or
when injured. About that, I'm gonna call bullshit on that
because even if it helps your feet, what does it
do for your knees and your hips? Well, that's the
running problem. I I will tell you my dad and
my my brother in New York is a big runner.
(03:17):
He's run the New York Marathon multiple times, and he's
in a running club and they just like run around
the Midtown Manhattan area and all that. He for a
while was running not barefoot, but he had essentially it
was essentially barefoot. It was just like a thin layer
like a sock type thing that I used. Some people
(03:37):
in the running community have that, and he loved that.
He did that for a long time. Those were the
kind of shoes of the war. Um. And they were
kind of like from the Roman era, you know, like
how in movies how they the Hollywood trope of what
the shoes were like sandals, kind of like sandals, but
they were like a sock type thing that there wasn't
a lot there. Um. Yeah, I'll believe it when when
(03:59):
I see it. And that sounds like a marketing marketing bullshit,
get mick. But I'll tell you what. They got a
lot of money. Like I'll tell you what, Ben, I
will say this, and I don't know if you've gone
this way, but I don't care what it is. If
it's made and manufactured out of China, I'm not buying it.
It's hard to do that. Everything is manufactured in Chin.
(04:21):
You know what I did earlier this week, I was
looking for some resistance bands. I was looking for some weights.
And the first thing I did with my inquiries I
as I specifically asked the company for the email or
the group chat, Hey where is this manufactured out of?
And they give me the answer, and I said, all right,
peace out. Well. Part of the problem too is sometimes
they'll be manufesting. They'll be put together in the US,
(04:44):
but the parts are manufactured in China. They'll they'll get
you that way as well. We made it here, but
it's you know, Chinese merchandise. Yeah, that's the unfortunate thing.
I'm gonna do my best alright. A new study out
dismisses the longstanding report. Were at the ten thousand steps
is the heart and fast rule. That's for you. That
(05:05):
new Yeah, I've been living the ten thousand steps thing
for a while. They say that new research indicates that
walking eight thousand steps is associated with a fifty one
lower risk of all cause mortality when compared to hitting
just four thousand twelve thousand steps was associated with a
(05:26):
sixty five lower risk. So they say that, you know,
eight thousand's good, twelve thousand would be better, but not
to ten thousand them. That's what they claim according to
this new research. I wonder what our daily steps are
like nowadays, because earlier this week it was not good
for me. I didn't leave my I didn't leave my room,
(05:48):
I didn't leave my bed. Ben One of these days,
I think it was like Monday, or Tuesday. I didn't
leave my bed until I had to go take a
piss at like four or five o'clock in the afternoon.
And then I got up and sad to jump rope
and do some push ups and sit ups in the back,
and I strained my groin doing it. It was painful,
(06:08):
and I'm like, what the fund is wrong with me? Now?
I'm looking at age and my dirt. You're in your sixties,
so you should have already looked if I If I'm
in my sixties, and what are you? You're in triple
digit's my friend I have. I'm like a fine wine.
You're like milk man, you were like fucking milk. I'm
actually better now than I was. It's true. I'm in
(06:29):
better condition now than I when I was in my twenties.
See that two or three years to your life now,
well I probably took away about ten, so maybe I've
gained a couple back, all right? Moving on, a dust
off the rubber duckies. According to a new study out
this week, they find that taking a nice blank daily
(06:51):
can reduce one's risk of dying because of cart do
you think of ship? Uh? No, it's a bath a
day lead bath, a hot bath, gascon can reduce your
risk of getting a heart attack or a stroke. Uh,
they say, well, taking a bath once or twice a
week is beneficial. Researchers found that a daily bath that
(07:14):
people who did this were in even better condition. Essentially,
the more often you go in the bathtub. According to
the research, there are some amazing benefits related to the bath.
And they say that a hot bath daily you had
a tent lower risk of developing cardiovascular disease, a twenty
six percent lower overall risk of suffering a stroke. And
(07:38):
this is where I need to point out gascon that
I think this is kind of bullshit, but I can't.
I don't fit in. We have a might I have
a shower. I don't have a bath in the place.
I take a shower in our house, and the bathtub
we have in the house, I don't fit in. I'm
too tall for the bathtub, my legs are too I
don't really fit in there. So I told my wife
(07:58):
when we were looking for a house, I said, the
one thing I would like is a really ninth vathub.
I need a bathtub. And I said, also we need
double vanity. Those double vanity sinks I didn't get either
of those things. Did not get either of those things.
Guess can I tell you a quick and good bath story.
Who doesn't like a good bath story? All right, So
(08:20):
be sure to catch live editions of The Ben Maller
Show weekdays at two am Eastern eleven pm Pacific on
Fox Sports Radio and the I Heart Radio app. Early
two thousand's, I went out to Vegas for a weekend
with this girl that I had just met. It was random,
but she was a party girl and I knew we
were gonna have a good time, and I had some
(08:40):
friends that invited me out there anyway. So I went
to the Setar's Palace and I was fortunate enough through
a friend to get the room comped. It was a
suite that we had comp there, so it was it
was me and her and the first night that we
got their band, we were at a couple of night
clubs and we parted all night into the morning time,
and we got back the hotel room was like three
(09:01):
or four o'clock in the morning and she's like, let's
go take a bath. And it wasn't the regular bathtubs
that they have at some of these hotels. It was
one of those giant jaccuzzy bathtubs that they have in
the sweets. So we were obviously liquored up, and I
was like, all right, I'll put on some music, We'll
grab a couple more drinks. I'll put on the bath
right now, put the water on, and then we'll obviously
(09:22):
jump in when this thing gets filled up. Ben, we
had one drink kicked off, the shoes, um passed out,
and before you know it, as soon as they came
with the I flooded the room. I flooded the fucking site.
It was phenomenal. So it happened what happens when you
(09:43):
flood a hotel room at Caesar's Palace? Did they put
did they break the door down and get in there?
Because the water is coming through on probably out the
door and into the hallway. So I woke up just
in the nick of time. And when I did do that,
like the only thing that was damaged was the bathroom
and part of the suite. Our our bags were were
a little wet, but I put everything else up in
(10:04):
the bed and they actually brought two maintenance crews in
there with these vacuums that basically just soaked up all
the water and uh and they flat out told us
they must have this must happen. Yeah, that's exactly what
they said, that like, this isn't the first time it's happened.
Don't worry about it. And I was like, yeah, you know,
like and I got away from us da da da da,
(10:25):
and uh yeah they switched out rooms for us too.
It was great. Wow, all right, there you go. I
know you've you have a lot of bath stories and
and next podcast will do the bathhouse stories. David Guescott,
a regular the bath House, he used to love. Going
there back would be judgmental. I know it's beneath you.
And then wait till we do the podcast. You actually
(10:47):
were the original Bob Kraft. You're tugging run and you've
done a lot of that, all right. Researchers from Duke
and Vanderybilt Universities are dismissing that meme, you know, get
off my lawn the old person. They say they have
concluded that older adults are actually quite happy, more emotionally stable,
and better equipped to resist the temptations of life. Take
(11:11):
that being a boomer is a good thing. How about that?
Guess guy, I believe that I don't know, is your
dad like this or no, um, my dad is. He's
got a good routine, but it's all thrown off because
of the coronavirus. And I've had to yell at him
like every night, don't go out. You don't need to
go out, and he keeps wanting to go out and socialize.
(11:33):
He never socialized before. Now all of a sudden, he's
a social butterfly. And but yeah, he doesn't. He does
not do any of the vices of life as far
as I know. I mean, I don't not around him
all the time. But yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, you know,
our colleague Rob Parker's like this. Like Rob has said
to me numerous times, he doesn't look at anything in
the back. He doesn't pay attention to any social media.
(11:55):
He just he lives his life. Now we're like back
in the day, he'd have to worry about certain things
or he has that like the inner voice, and now
it's completely different. And obviously it just comes with age
and wisdom and experience of it all. Yeah, I'm much better.
I used to be paranoid every day. When I first
started on radio, I was like, oh, I'm gonna get
fired today. Oh my god, I'm gonna lose my job.
(12:16):
I was like the prince of paranoia. And then at
some point, after I got fired a couple of times,
I was like, who gives a fuck, you know, I'll
just get another job somewhere. And I don't remember exactly
when that moment was, but it was after a couple
of times being whacked from jobs that I was like,
I don't really care, you know, I just stopped thinking
about it. I stopped worrying about it. I was like,
(12:37):
I'll just do the job, and as long as I'll
have me, I'll do it. And then i'll do something
else than somebody, some other dope will hire me, and
then I'll work for them. And it really is a
lot of weight lifted off your shoulders. Once you get
past that point of always like looking over your shoulder, like,
oh crap, they're gonna get me today, you know, it's
a lot better. All right, These are actual studies by
(12:58):
actual universities and whatnot. Let's see here, all right. A
new study conducted at Washington State University finds that rural babies,
babies born out in the sticks, and urban babies tend
to act differently about that. Surprisingly, the research indicated that
baby is born in rural America display negative emotions like
(13:21):
anger or frustration much more often than city babies. Wow,
I think this is bullshit. I'd have to look into
this more. Like what does a baby know whether they're
born out in the sticks or they're born in Manhattan.
You know what I'm saying. How do you know? I
was fucking you don't know anything when you're born. Yeah,
(13:44):
I wasn't gonna say. I would think this is reversed
just because the busy city life, Like if you're in
a metropolitan area and anyways, see like the outer outer
skirts of a woman, that kind of breeds into the
to the baby's life. So if they're like high volatility,
if there's stress, if there's emotion, if there's like something loud,
(14:06):
that gets reflected into the baby at birth, but the
other way around. Like, I don't know if I believe
that too much, especially in country life. Yeah, I don't
know how many babies they study to come up to
that number. It's probably a very small amount. They also
say that urban babies are calmer, less fussy, and not
as bothered by rule about that. It's fascinating. Um, now
(14:27):
I have my two nieces that live in New York
where they grew up in New York City, So they
grew up in Manhattan. Like they neither one of them drives,
and they're both of the age to drive. They don't
need to drive because they live in Manhattan. You know,
you take the subway around and like they take the
subway to high school. How crazy is that? Right? So yeah,
(14:48):
I mean you do have to kind of follow the
rules of the street when you but that that's they're
they're grown up now, they're not little babies. So it's
it's a much different dynamic. And I'm gonna call bullshit
on that, like on that all right. Geologists have this
is from the University of California Riverside, have discovered humanity's
(15:08):
earliest ancestor. You want to hear your earliest answers? There
is a worm, that's right. They discover the earliest known
ancestor to most animals alive on this planet today, including
us humans, is believed to have lived over five hundred
and fifty five million years ago. It's a big, giant,
(15:31):
fat worm. I'm looking at it right here. It's got
a name I can't even pronounce because I don't I
mean this these science has come up with the science
community comes up with these really fucked up names. But uh,
it's a big warm, is what it is. So there
you go. We're all related to worms. Doesn't that excite? Yes? Yes,
I would love to see Marcel pronounce that. Then our
(15:51):
great newsman boy Marcel really upsets people. I'm fascinated by
the group of people that get triggered by a caller
to a radio show. Know you know, it's like I
got any another email today from a guys. I have
listened to you for seven years and I loved your show.
But when Marcel comes on on and off the radio,
I can't hear Marcel, why do you give that moron
(16:13):
the year? You get people to get bent over Roberto
playing a drop or two, and it's just it's just
bafflet Yeah, wait a minute, listen. We've had our guy
fun House in New York, the great fun House, Internet
legend Funhouse. I love the guy to death, but he
can't stand up Bell. He stopped listening to our show
because of the Bell. This is the guy that has
(16:33):
a lot of muscle now because he's the number one
go to guy for sports media. He's the number one
Twitter critic for sports radio. And he's been a Mallem
Militia guy for decades and he's a listening line. He
goes back to the Johada John days when Jehada John
was a senior general in the Mallem Militia from Michigan.
And then Johada John quit the show because he got
(16:54):
upset that the Lions were no good and the Cubs
won the World Series and he just gave up sports.
But we go way back, but he will not listen
because Roberto incessantly plays the bell. Good on him, So
standard ground fun House, Goodbye Roberto, Goodbye Roberto, or goodbye
fun House, Goodbye fun House. I love fun House. I
(17:14):
love that guy. He's very entertaining. He just kills your
guy coward though, just kills your my guy. It's your guys,
your guy, he's your guy. You guys share the same
air waves. You guys are our host. You know, three
or four hours towards an icon. He's a legend. I'm
a I'm a nobody, I'm I'm an omega. He's an
alpha in the radio business. Be sure to catch live
(17:38):
editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am
Eastern eleven pm Pacific. Alright, anyway, moving on. According to
a new survey, Americans believe in twelve common superstitions. What
is the most believed superstition? Guest on? According to this
new survey, what's what do Americans believe more out of
(17:58):
all the twelve common super stitions? I know you don't know, dummy.
I'm just asking you to make conversation. Yeah, I understand
that I have to go deep into what the hell
people would consider a superstition. Um, breaking glass is bad luck?
That is one see breaking um a mirror? Right, isn't
(18:19):
a mirror? You're supposed to walking under a ladder, crossing
a black cat? Yeah? Um? The number thirteen um um
identical numbers on the clock. So if it's like one
eleven or eleven eleven, that's like supposed to be good luck.
You have to make a wish and something good will happen. Yeah,
there's that. Um, there's I mean, there's all kinds of
(18:43):
different things that you could come up. What do you
think that is most common that most of us, accorded
to this research, believe in um, if it rains on
your wedding day, it usually means a bad marriage. So
you think that is the that is incorrect. Uh. They
say that the most common superstition that is believed by
(19:04):
the mass majority is if you find a penny, it
brings you good luck. You find a penny walking around
good luck? Do you keep your change anymore? Um? I
don't buy a lot of stuff with cash, but when
I do, I have a jar, a Mason jar on
my desk and I just throw in the change and
(19:27):
I haven't done anything with it, but yeah, I keep it.
I do. I have a one of those big water
jugs and I'm still trying to fill it up. I'm
about like a third of the way up. So yeah,
I can lift it. I don't know if you could,
but I can lift it. I'll be curious to see,
like I know, I know moving that Matt probably wouldn't
be able to lift it. Um, it's very weak. And
(19:47):
that guy, right, that guy would again, he is a
Boston moving guy. He would eat you for lunch. Do
you understand he would? He would take you like a
volleyball and spike you in to the ground, is what
he would do. I think you're being a little bit
over dramatic on that. I'm not I've hung out with
a guy. Hey, by the way, our guy blind Scott.
He sent me an email. This is I love the
(20:09):
random emails I get from the p Ones, the Mallem
Militia guys. So I get this email from blind Scott
the other day. Let me go. I gotta go through
all these marked the full name guy emails because he's
been blowing up my my inbox, as we talked about
in a previous edition. So I get this message from
blind Scott randomly. All right. It says here, some lady
(20:32):
hit me with her car at a stopping shop. I'm okay.
She was like eighty years old. He then says she
dragged me a little bit. I didn't even get bruises
or a scratch though. So he got hit, he got bumped,
I guess is the way to describe it, Blind Scott
from an eighty year old woman at a stopping shop
(20:54):
on the Cape in Massachusetts. But great is that? But
what about his dog though? Because he always has his
on with him? Mentioned Kramer? Yeah, he didn't mention the
do Cramer? So I guess it was. I guess Kramer
was all right? All right, isn't Kramer is supposed to
warn you of a car coming, right, Yeah, typically talk
to him about it. I don't know alright. A recent
(21:15):
survey says the average American starts doing this around the
age of forty one to improve their health. See if
you get this one right, guest, let's say eating um, exercises,
no um. I'll say sleeping longer. Sleeping sleeping long right,
that is incorrect. They say that the average age forty one.
(21:38):
You improve your health by taking vitamins. And people are
taking vitamins around the age of forty one. Didn't we
take vitamins as kids. I took Flintstone vitaminst WWF vitamins,
hall Comania vitamins, the whole thing. Yeah, multi vitamins. I mean,
I load up on the vitamins now, but just because
of the climate that we're in. But I don't really
(21:58):
believe in the vitamins because I watched an episode of
Penn and Teller's Bullshit and they talked about how most
vitamins are complete bullshit and they just go right through
your system and it's it's all a scam fuck. So
you should watch that bullshit reruns and check it out,
all right. Uh, last one on the study, this and
we got some. Don't stick to sports stories. On average,
(22:19):
we eat about two hundred and fifty of these a year. Hamburgers, hamburgers, hamburgers, hamburgers.
No pizzas, not pezza, No britos, not burrito, tacos, No,
not taco You think guys in the Sheboygan or eating tacos.
There's a whole big country out there, dummy. Yeah, but
(22:40):
we can make up more it would you understand your crew?
We eat a lot. We consume a lot of food.
Not me anymore. I used to consume a lot, all right,
the answer gascon The average human being eats in America
two hundred and fifty eggs per year. About that. We
was to go through that trend like where eggs were
(23:02):
bad for you, now they're good for you, then they're
bad for you all cholesterol related. Yeah, yeah, I know.
It goes back. It's like everything you know, there's a
study that comes out, this is good for you, that
you do this, You're gonna live forever, and then ten
years later, don't do this, You're gonna die. It's the
same thing you were doing to live longer. It's the
same bullshit. We all have a fatal disease. We're not
getting out alive. I mean, just deal with it. Yes, Yeah,
(23:23):
Fox Sports Radio has the best sports talk lineup in
the nation. Catch all of our shows at Fox Sports
Radio dot com and within the I Heart Radio app.
Search f s R to listen live. All right, let's
move on. We have don't stick to sports stories. Oh, Lou,
are you a big fan of karma? Are? Do you
believe in karma? Uh? Sporadically, I have moods where I'm like, oh,
(23:50):
I better do this, or bad things gonna happen. Generally,
I don't really buy into it very much. I have
moments where I better not do that because that's bad,
bad juju. But most of the time, no, in I
bring that up because of this. Um, a so so
called social media influencer here in California, claims he's in
the hospital now and he's been diagnosed with the coronavirus
(24:11):
ben This is just a couple of days after the
fact that he was on videotape or on a camera
going through public restrooms and licking toilets, all a part
of an online challenge to lick toilets in a public setting. Yeah, um,
this is his brilliant is remember the Tide podcast. Yeah,
(24:33):
the genius. Now I have a theory here. I'm gonna
go deep state, all right, I think this guy is
full of ship. I don't think he has the coronavirus.
I think he's just doing this to get more publicity.
How about that, Well, it could be, but that's still
an expensive hospital of bill. I mean he took a
selfie of him in the hospital. How do you know
he didn't just walk in or has a friend that
works at a hospital and walked in there and took
(24:55):
a photo and then walked right out. No, because the
volume of people in hospitals right now, like they actually
they have people like segued into different even Nor if
it was a hot I mean, it could have been
just a medical facility somewhere that you think they're gonna
be an actual hospital hospital. You think they're wasting time
with these kids that are influencers. You think they paid them.
He might have paid them U plus from what we
(25:18):
understand the coronavirus. If you lick at toilet bowl on
a Monday, you're not going to get the coronavirus on
a Wednesday. Doesn't it take like about a week? The
symptoms to start showing up. Yeah, two to five, two
to five days, excuse me, you know, to show up.
So yeah, so it's not like you look at toilet
bowl and then here's the coronavirus. Put yourself out. How
about this to talking about alluring the curve or changing
(25:41):
the curve. Mexican protesters have shut down a US southern
border cross because they have fears about American travelers right now,
who will spread the coronavirus. I love this story. This
is great. So we've come full circle, right because for
so many years in my life it's like, well, you
gotta struck down the Mexican border, we can't let these
(26:02):
people to come into the US and all this stuff.
And now now Mexico is like, we don't feel safe.
America is hilarious. They have in Mexico they have right
now five confirmed cases of the coronavirus, and here in
the United States it's over sixty five thousand. Um. But
the way, because eat a lot of avocado. That's why
it's probably a good call. Yeah apparently so yeah, so
(26:23):
healthy with the avocado. Yeah, how about that, though, changing
all the way around we do from that is bizarro world.
If I had told you a couple of years ago,
when everyone was up in arms in the political theater
about Trump and the border and all this stuff, that
we get to a point where the people of Mexico
wanted to shut the border down. It's just great. You
(26:44):
can't make this crap up. That's how great is it
to be alive and see this unfold in front of
our eyes? It's just nuts. Speaking of nuts, how about this.
A woman has been arrested and charged with felony counts
of terrorist threats, threats to use a biological agent, and
criminal mischief. I don't know if you heard about this bend,
but this woman uh entered a grocery store and she
(27:04):
was making verbal threats that she was sick, and she
proceeded to cough and spit on merchandise and it costs
the store thirty five thousand dollars worth the product. And
she's out on bail now, on a fifty bond. Wow,
you know this is I thought about this the other day.
I went to Costco and everyone's looking at me. I
felt like I was back to the big fat guy
(27:25):
that tried to date and all the women gave me
the deaths. There. I was getting the desks there from everybody.
They're all wearing masks. It's a bizarre time to be alive.
And you see these people walking around like this. It's crazy.
Everyone's freaked out and they're all giving you a look.
You're gonna kill me? Do you have the corona? But
wouldn't this make a great episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm
where Larry goes around coughing to get people to go,
(27:48):
you know, run away from him. You know that'd be great.
Like I was in Costco and I I coughed for
a second and three people looked at me like whoa
he coughed. It's like you get a live grenade in
your hand, right. But I didn't even realize, Like I
didn't put two and two together. It took me like
a second then I realized, oh shit, and I probably
if I have to cough, I better really not. How
(28:08):
do you gotta hold the cough? You know? But when
I have to call if I cough, I don't usually
hold the cop but I have to get Now, when
you're out in public, you have to hold the cough. Yeah,
speaking of which, we gotta copper way out of here now, Ben,
time's up is that right. You gotta put the baby
to bed. Alright, very good. Follow me on social media
you can check get me out. I've got every platform
(28:29):
pretty much covered. We're on Instagram. Ben Maller on Fox
on Instagram
Host
Ben Maller
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