February 10, 2026 • 33 mins
In 1992, the book "The 5 Love Languages" found it's way into living rooms, counseling sessions, church groups, book clubs, classrooms and conversations all around the world.
It's been a minute, but the long-awaited follow-up volume is here! "The Love Language That Matters Most: How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It " written by Dr. Gary Chapman with Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott provides coaching on how to personalize love in ways that truly connect. I've already got several sections dog-eared and underlined!
Today Dr. Chapman joins us on a special Valentines edition of LOVE SOMEONE! Welcome my friends!
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You love, who is on your heart tonight? How many
times have I asked that question for the past forty
two years that I've been taking calls and doing dedications,
fifty two years on the air. Why do I ask it?
Because my entire radio program is built around heart to
(00:24):
heart connections. My entire life is built around heart to
heart connection. Often the caller wants to talk about their
love interests, their boyfriend, their girlfriend, their husband, their wife,
or they want to talk about their mom or their dad.
Sometimes about a brother or a sister, a best friend,
a teacher. Life is nothing without connections, Life is nothing
(00:47):
without love. Today, on this special Valentine's episode of Love Someone,
We're going to talk about the power of connection with
one of the most knowledgeable and influen Winchell experts on
the subject, Doctor Gary Chapman, PhD, Author, speaker, pastor, counselor
(01:08):
has a passion for people and for helping them form
lasting relationships. Gary is a well known marriage counselor and
a director of marriage seminars. He's been directly involved in
real life family counseling for more than thirty years. He
too has a nationally syndicated radio program called Building relationships
(01:31):
with doctor Gary Chapman. His book The Five Love Languages
is one of his most popular titles, topping various bestseller
charts for years. He's sold over twenty million copies. The
book has been translated into fifty languages. In this book,
he shares the key to happy, thriving relationships with couples,
(01:54):
with families, with friendships. And if you've listened to my
radio show for very long at all, you know I
refer to this book all the time. It was an amazing,
eye opening book for me, and I've used the information
to better understand myself those that I love and deepen
(02:14):
my relationships in so many ways. I've been recommending it
to my listeners, my family, my friends, anyone who will
listen to me. Since nineteen ninety two. I have been
begging people to read it ever since it came out.
Doctor Chapman has a new book I'm going to be studying.
It's called The Love Language That Matters Most, How to
(02:37):
personalized love so they really feel it. It's the long
awaited follow up to his global bestseller and written with
doctors Less and Leslie Parrott. It just came out in January,
but I've already dog eared several pages. This one helps
readers understand why expressions of love sometimes miss the mark,
(02:58):
and how our personality shapes the way we experience love.
It also offers practical strategies, starting with one key question,
to help keep both love tanks full. Doctor Chapman is
with us today this week of Valentine's Week to talk
about the new book, its message, and the incredible power
(03:19):
of love and connection. But before we get into that,
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(05:37):
Welcome to Love Someone with Delilah Gary Chapman, who I
met for the first time, I don't know, fifteen twenty
years ago, and now you are back. I mentioned to
a friend of mine that's staying at my house that
I was having an opportunity to talk to you. She's
in her early forties, and we started talking about the
(06:00):
Five Love Languages, and it dawned on me, Gary that
that is such a part of my vernacular, Like it's
such a part of my speech pattern. It's such a
part of my relating to people when they call me
and they're struggling in a relationship. Somebody will call my
show and I, without thinking, without prefacing it, always say well,
(06:22):
what is your primary love language?
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Yeah, it surprises me where the term love language pops up?
I saw it the other day on an Amazon box.
It said our love language is own time delivery.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yep, yeap. When you first wrote the Five Love Languages
back in the nineties, early nineties, right.
Speaker 3 (06:48):
Yeah, ninety two was published, did.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
You ever dream in a million years, how many relationships,
how many families, how many hearts you would be impacting
with those five little nuggets of wisdom that you shared
with us.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Well, the short answer is no, not cross my mind.
I did know.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
That the concept would help people because I had discovered
it in my counseling with people. I'd been using it
at least for five years in my counseling before I
decided to you know, I thought, if I can put
this in a book and write it in the language
of the common person, you know, leave out psychological terms
that a lot of people wouldn't understand. But no, I
had no idea that it would. And what really surprised
(07:35):
me is not only that it sold twenty million copies,
but that it's been publishing fifty languages around the world.
And the reason that surprised me is before I studied counseling,
I did an undergrad ani master's degree in cultural anthropology,
studying cultures all over the world and how they're organized.
So I was very sensitive to cultural differences. And so
(07:58):
when the first publisher came, which happened to be Spanish,
I wanted to get the rights.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
To publish it.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I told my publisher, I said, I don't know if
this works in Spanish culture, and they said, well, they've
read the book and they want to publish it.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
I said, well, okay, it.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Became their best seller, and then it went from there
to over fifty languages, which I think says to me
that this fundamental need for emotional love is a human
phenomena regardless of the culture. But it does seem to
me now that these five are pretty fundamental to human culture,
(08:32):
even though the dialects will be different in some cultures.
You know, for example, there are cultures in which two
men who know each other meet each other on the street,
they kiss each other on the cheek. Well, we don't
do that in our culture, but that is a dialect
of a physical touch in their language.
Speaker 3 (08:53):
But it's been very.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Encouraging, and so many people have told me when I
do marriage conferences on Saturday around the country, and almost
every Saturday, there'll be several will come up and say, Gary,
we just want to let you know that book saved
our marriage. Fifteen years ago or twenty years ago. You know,
we were just at the point of giving up, and
we read the book and the lights came on and
(09:16):
we took the quia's and learned each other's language and
we started speaking it and it literally saved our marriage.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
It's been very very encouraging.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Well, It has blessed me a thousand times over when
I speak with people, but mostly in my family with
my children, because my family is not a typical family.
Most of my children came to me through adoption, and
none of them came as a newborn. So to be
(09:46):
able to understand their their love language is foundational for me.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
When I wrote the book on the Five Love Languages
of Children, which was the second book in the series,
I said to pair, the question is not do you
love your children? The question is do your children feel loved?
And that's why that's where the love language is. The
concept really helps parents because if you understand that what
(10:13):
makes one child feel loved is not going to make
another till feel loved, you're going to be far more
effective and communicating your love to them. And so yeah,
so many parents have said that's been super, super helpful.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
So now we have the new book, the new one
in the series, the love language that matters most, the
one you just released.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
So I'm sure when people hear that, if they've read
your previous books, are going to say, well, obviously it's
the one I speak. It's you know, it's touch, it
gives acts of service, or whatever.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
Well, the one that matters most. We're saying in the book,
the love language that matters most is the love language
of your partner, or the love language of the chile,
the love language of the other person. We are all
by nature self centered, no question about that, and there's
a good part to that. That means we take care
of ourselves, we get rest and sleep and feed ourselves
(11:08):
and so forth. But that can also become selfishness, so
that our focus is on ourselves. You know, love is
an attitude that focuses on the other person. So what
we're encouraging in this book. One of the things we're
encouraging is keep that in mind that you're not expressing
love to somebody else in order to get love. You're
(11:30):
expressing love because you have an attitude of love. You
want to enrich the life of that other person, and
this is one way that you can address one of
their most fundamental emotional needs, and that is the need
to fill up.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
So that's kind of the backdrop to the story.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
But what really led me to write the book was
the questions I've had through the years. Two central questions.
One is people have said in the original book you
mentioned the term dieects, that their dialects in these languages,
just like there's dialects and spoken language. You know, I
speak English with a Southern accent. If you're in Boston,
(12:09):
it's a different a different.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Dialect, a very different dialect.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
And so, but they said you didn't discuss any of
the dialects. You just mentioned that there were dialects. And
the other question is, you know, you mentioned that there's
personalities and that interfaces with the love languages, but you didn't.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Discuss that how that, how that works.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
And so in the new book, among other things, we
are addressing those two issues, which I think is going
to help a lot of people be even more effective
in communicating love on the emotional level.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
So for somebody who might be listening to this podcast
who for whatever reason missed, uh, missed the original lesson
and the five love languages, go through each one briefly,
and I'm going to stop and interject my opinions here
and there, or my dialect here and there. Okay, but
(13:14):
each one briefly because it's so good.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Okay, these are in no particular order of importance. But
the one is words of affirmation. You look nice in
that outfit, I really appreciate what you did. You know
one of the things I like about you. It's just
using words to communicate to that person that you value them,
that you love them.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
So words.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Another love language is acts of service, doing something for
the other person that you know they would like for
you to do. In a marriage, that is such things
as cooking meals, washing dishes, mowing the grass, walking the dog,
changing the baby's diaper, big active service, anything that you
(13:59):
know the person would like. You know, there's an old
saying action speak louder than words. Well, if this is
their love language, that's true. It's not true for everyone,
but for some people, actions do speak louder than words.
And then number three is gifts. It's universal to give
gifts as an expression of love. I discovered data and anthropology.
(14:23):
We've never discovered a culture where gift giving is not
an expression of love. And so, you know, the gift
says they were thinking about me, Look what they got
from me.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
So gifts.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
And then there's quality time giving the other person your
undivided attention. I do not mean sitting on the couch
watching TV together. Someone else is your attention. TV is off,
computer is down, we're not answering our phone. We're giving
each other our full attention. We're talking and sharing life
(14:58):
with each other. And you don't have to always be
sitting down on the couchch talking. It can be walking
down the road talking, or going out to eat, assuming
that you talk.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
We've all seen this in the restaurant.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
They're sitting there, each at the table and they each
have their phone out answering their text messages. That is
not quality time. That's proximity, but it's not quality time.
And then number five is physical touch. We've long known
the emotional power of physical touch. That's why we pick
up babies, hold them, kiss them, and cuddle them. And
(15:33):
long before the baby understands the meaning of the word love,
the baby feels.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
Love a physical touch. So those are the five.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
And as you mentioned earlier, the basic concept is that
each of us, whether it's adults or children, each of
us has what we're calling a primary love language, and
if you don't speak their primary language, they will not
feel loved, even though you're speaking some of those other languages.
So that's the basic concept up in a nutshell.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
And the language that matters most, as you said a
moment ago, is their primary language the person that you love,
whoever you're connecting to or trying to connect to at
that time.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
Absolutely absolutely.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
And you know, I remember a husband who said my
wife's language was gifts. And one morning I was taking
a walk and I saw a bird feather and I
picked it up and brushed it off, and I brought
it home and I said, honey, when I was walking,
I found this bird feather, and I want to give
it to you because it reminded me that you are
the wind beneath my wings.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
And she said, oh, that is so sweet.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Of course she did. Then she called my show and
asked me to play the song.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Didn't cost him anything, but it was just an awareness.
Gifts is her language?
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Is what is your primary love language?
Speaker 3 (16:55):
Words of affirmation?
Speaker 1 (16:57):
What a shock that you're a writer.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Now.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
My wife's language is the acts of service, because I
knew nothing about that when we got married. But what
I did was just naturally. I gave her words of affirmation.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
You're complimenting her, telling her you love her, how beautiful
she is. Meanwhile, the garbage is setting next to the
garbage pail and you are taking it out, so her mind,
you don't love her at all.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
That's right. One night she said to me, you know,
you keep on saying I love you. If you love me,
why don't you help me? I said, what do you mean?
Speaker 2 (17:34):
She said, well, you don't ever offer to wash the
dishes or back in the floors or take out the trash.
I mean, you don't offer to help me at all.
And I didn't say this, but what I was thinking,
what are you talking about? My mother did those things?
Speaker 3 (17:48):
WHOA, we bring our history with us.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Good thing you didn't speak that out loud.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Oh I know, I've said to me and many times. Listen,
you're not married to your mother. You know your wife
is different from your mother.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Okay, yeah, And if your partners and you're eating off
that dish, you can get up and wash that dish.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
That's right, Oh my so, but so now you know
for years now, of course I washed the dishes.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
Now I can't cook. I just can't cook.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
But my wife cooks, and I wash the dishes, and
I back them floors, and I take out the trash
and so forth. And my wife tells me I'm the
greatest husband in the world.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
She's learned those words of affirmation.
Speaker 3 (18:33):
Oh yes, oh yes, And you've.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Learned a few acts of service.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Yep, absolutely, and it makes all the difference in the world,
you know, because we're addressing that fundamental need to feel loved.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
So if somebody wants to you said, you teach on
Saturdays around the country.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Yeah, I do marriage conferences around the country.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
If somebody wanted to find out how to attend one
of those, where would they go to find that information? Gary?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
They could go to the website five Love Languages dot
com the number five five Love Languages dot com and
check on events or click on events and it'll show
you the ones that are coming up this spring, in
January and February March.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
And since it is the month of romance. They certainly
could bless themselves, bless their partner, bless their kids by
getting your new book, The Love Language that Matters Most,
and then really investing themselves and figuring out what that
language is and how to speak it more fluently.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
Yeah. I think if they've read the original book, this
new book is going to really take it to a
deeper level because it's.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Going to help them identify the dialects within the language
that maybe they probably already know their primary love language.
But this is going to help them identify the dialects
within that language. So now you know not only what
their language is, but you know the specific ways of
expressing that that are going to be most meaningful to
(20:02):
them emostly.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
So give me an example of a dialect of your language.
Words of affirmation.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Well, one would be words of encouragement, you know, saying
to them, you know, you really good at that, and
I just would encourage you. You know, you need to
do this or that or whatever whatever it is on
their mind. They're just encouraging them. And then there's there's
compliments simply say, you know, one of the things I
like about you, get your smile or whatever. Just looking
(20:31):
for things that you can compliment them about. And then
there is the words of affirmation, affirming them for something
they're doing. I don't tell I tell my wife sometimes
I don't take for granted that you cook. I appreciate
the fact that you cook, darling. You know, now that's
not her language, but that that would be an affirmation.
(20:51):
But it's just looking for something the things they do
and giving them verbal affirmation and not just assuming that
they know I appreciate them. So, yeah, those are some examples,
and you know, for example, if affirmation is their language
and you're giving them words of encouragement, sometimes the words
of encouragement comes across as you're trying to push them
(21:13):
to do something maybe they don't want to do. You're saying,
you know, you're really good at that, you ought to
start your own podcast, or you ought to do something else,
you know, in encouraging them to do something, but maybe
they don't want to do that, you know, and so
you feel like you're encouraging them, but in reality, they're
feeling pressure from that would far rather receive a compliment
(21:34):
about something that you like about them. So at any rate,
that's just an example of two or three of the dialects.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
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(23:18):
much it's blessed me and help me in all of
my relationships across the board, even with coworkers, even with
the people that I work with. When you because what
you're saying is I want to know you, I want
to understand you, and I want to know how to
bless you.
Speaker 3 (23:35):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
We wrote a book some time ago now on taking
the love Languages to work. The books entitled The Five
Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. We use a different
word because work relationships are different from family relationships. But
it's the same fundamentally emotional need. It's the need to
feel that I'm valued here. I'm not just a cog
(23:59):
in the machine. People want to know me, you know,
And we've had great response to that. I wrote it
with a psychologist who had had twenty years experience working
with business leaders, and what motivated me was research that
indicated that seventy percent of the people who have a
job in this country say they feel little appreciation from
(24:22):
the people with whom they work. Wow, And sixty four
percent of the people who leave a job and go
to another job said they left because they didn't feel
appreciated where they were. So tremendous impact. If it didn't
have to be the leader of the business, it can
start anywhere. Just a group of colleagues can get this concept.
(24:47):
To read the book, take the quiz, learn each other's
appreciation language at work, and it makes all the difference
in the world in creating a climate, a positive climate.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Well, we need a positive climate in this world in
which we live because it is crazy out there. And
I think anything we can do to deepen relationships, to
share our heart, to share love, to share peace. Now
is the time if ever we needed it, Now is
the time we need it most.
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Yeah, that's for sure.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
So Gary, I have a lot of kids. What is
the best or easiest way to discover my child, my grandchild,
the kid that I'm loving on, to discover what their
love language is and how to teach them to love
from their heart.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
The simplest way is to observe their behavior. That is,
how do they relate to you and to the siblings
or to other people. My son's love language, for example,
is physical touch. And you can discover a child's love
language at least by the time they're four years old.
When he was that age and I would come home
from work and they have to he would run to
(26:01):
the door, grab my legs and climb on me. He's
touching me because he wants to be touched. My daughter
never did that at that age. She would say, Daddy,
come into my room. I want to show you something.
She wanted my undivided attention. She wanted quality time. So
observe their behavior. And then the second clue is what
(26:22):
do they request most often? If they're saying, you know,
can we take a walk together? And that was my
daughter's common request when she was a teenager day, can
we take a walk after dinner? She's asking me for
quality time? And then what do they complain about. I
had a mother say to me just recently. She said,
(26:43):
my six year old son said to me, we don't
ever go to the park anymore since the baby came.
He's telling her his love language. We used to go
to the park. You and me and I had your
undivided attention, and the baby's here. Those three things together,
you can pretty well figure out what a child's love
(27:04):
language is.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
But I would like to add this.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Don't hear me saying that you only speak the child's
primary love language? No, no, no, no heavy doses of
the primary, but speak the other four along the way.
And as the child gets old, or explained to them
that there are different ways that we express love, and
we all have a primary language, but here are some
other ways. So we teach them how to receive love
(27:29):
in all five ways, and we're teaching them how to
give love. We're preparing them for success in life when
it comes to relationships. Most of us did not receive
all five growing up. So when we get to be
adults and we hit this concept and are trying to
build our relationships.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
It's a learning curve.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
If you never receive words of affirmation growing up, and
now your partner's language is words of affirmation. It's going
to take some effort, but you can do it. That's
the good news. You can learn to speak any of
these languages as an adult, even if you didn't get
them as a child, but far healthier if you can
give all five of them, but heavy doses of the
(28:11):
primary five.
Speaker 1 (28:12):
The number five love languages dot com right for all
things love language related.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
Right.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Yeah, they can get all my books there or you know,
little birds on all the books they can take. There's
the free quiaz. Now we have a premier quiz if
they're interested in that, which does include the dialects and
all of that too. So yeah, that's the website.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
So if I wanted to take the I've taken the
first quiz, I mean obviously and back in the nineties,
but you have a premier quiz that would help me
to figure out like, like you said, like the dialects,
the nuances.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Yes, but it's it's designed for adults relationships, but it
also includes your relationship with your children. It's it's really
giving you more information about yourself what your particular dialect is,
and how the love language is elate percentages. It's a
fifteen page print out. I mean, it's it's really a
lot of good information and it interfaces that that premier
(29:16):
quiz interfaces with the new book. Of course, now you
have to pay for the premier quiz. The other one's
been free. My publisher runs that website and they told
me one hundred and sixty five million people they've taken
that frequiz.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Wow, Wow, does that just blow your mind?
Speaker 3 (29:34):
It does, it does.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
And you know, there's a there's a frequiz for married couples,
there's a free quiz for single adults. There's a frequiz
for teenagers, and then there's a there's a quiz that
if the child's not old enough to read that the
questions that the parent can ask the child that can
also help discover their their love language.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
So yeah, so it s there's a lot of information
on that website.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
You know, if we all work together, if everybody uses
the two the tools they have to increase the amount
of connectedness, to increase the amount of love expressed and
shared between families, between people, between couples, in the workplace,
in schools, think how much better this world would be.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Absolutely, absolutely, we.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Got to turn the Titanic around.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
You're right.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
We do have a curriculum for public schools grades one
through six discovering the love languages at school. And it's
hard to get into public schools, but when they do,
they're seeing a tremendous difference because the teacher only has
to take one hour each week and talk about one
of the love languages, and by the end of the thing,
she knows the primary love language of every child in
(30:46):
the room. And there's a letter they send home to
the parents and they get the concept. So, yeah, we're
doing everything we can to help people realize. One of
the most fundamental decisions person remakes in life is to
have an attitude of love rather than an attitude of selfishness.
Because selfishness approaches every relationship with what can I get
(31:09):
out of it? Love approaches that relationship with how can
I enrich the life of this other person?
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Gerry, thank you for spending time here with us today.
God bless you.
Speaker 3 (31:21):
Well, thank you, and God bless you as well.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
This new book The Love Language that matters most, How
to personalize love so they really feel it. Provides coaching
on how to personalize love and ways that truly connect together.
The authors delve into the dialects and the distinctions that
shape how we give and receive love. Whether you're dating,
(31:45):
newly married, or decades into your relationship, the book is
a game changer for deepening connection and making love last.
You can find more information about this book even order
a copy at five I've the number five five Love
Languages dot com, or pick up a copy wherever you
(32:07):
feed your reading habit. Learning to love well is not
about rushing to get it right, but about embracing the process,
one thoughtful step at a time. Mastering your partner's love
language isn't about getting it perfect. It's about making progress.
It's about making a consistent effort to show up, set
(32:30):
your own agenda aside for the moment, empathize, and choose
to love the person in front of you in the
way they need it most. Happy Valentine's Day, my friend.
I hope this season finds you opening your heart to love.
Love for your partner, your family, your friends, love for
your community and those less fortunate, Love for people you
(32:55):
don't like. That's a hard one, but I know you
can do it There are so many many ways to
love and to be loved in this world. To show
others that they are valued, while at the same time
filling your love tank too. God bless you and thank
you for joining me on love someone with the Lilah
You love, who is on your heart tonight? How many
times have I asked that question for the past forty
two years that I've been taking calls and doing dedications,
fifty two years on the air. Why do I ask it?
Because my entire radio program is built around heart to
(00:24):
heart connections. My entire life is built around heart to
heart connection. Often the caller wants to talk about their
love interests, their boyfriend, their girlfriend, their husband, their wife,
or they want to talk about their mom or their dad.
Sometimes about a brother or a sister, a best friend,
a teacher. Life is nothing without connections, Life is nothing
(00:47):
without love. Today, on this special Valentine's episode of Love Someone,
We're going to talk about the power of connection with
one of the most knowledgeable and influen Winchell experts on
the subject, Doctor Gary Chapman, PhD, Author, speaker, pastor, counselor
(01:08):
has a passion for people and for helping them form
lasting relationships. Gary is a well known marriage counselor and
a director of marriage seminars. He's been directly involved in
real life family counseling for more than thirty years. He
too has a nationally syndicated radio program called Building relationships
(01:31):
with doctor Gary Chapman. His book The Five Love Languages
is one of his most popular titles, topping various bestseller
charts for years. He's sold over twenty million copies. The
book has been translated into fifty languages. In this book,
he shares the key to happy, thriving relationships with couples,
(01:54):
with families, with friendships. And if you've listened to my
radio show for very long at all, you know I
refer to this book all the time. It was an amazing,
eye opening book for me, and I've used the information
to better understand myself those that I love and deepen
(02:14):
my relationships in so many ways. I've been recommending it
to my listeners, my family, my friends, anyone who will
listen to me. Since nineteen ninety two. I have been
begging people to read it ever since it came out.
Doctor Chapman has a new book I'm going to be studying.
It's called The Love Language That Matters Most, How to
(02:37):
personalized love so they really feel it. It's the long
awaited follow up to his global bestseller and written with
doctors Less and Leslie Parrott. It just came out in January,
but I've already dog eared several pages. This one helps
readers understand why expressions of love sometimes miss the mark,
(02:58):
and how our personality shapes the way we experience love.
It also offers practical strategies, starting with one key question,
to help keep both love tanks full. Doctor Chapman is
with us today this week of Valentine's Week to talk
about the new book, its message, and the incredible power
(03:19):
of love and connection. But before we get into that,
let me tell you about a sponsor that makes my
heart flutter. It would be difficult to think of a
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(05:37):
Welcome to Love Someone with Delilah Gary Chapman, who I
met for the first time, I don't know, fifteen twenty
years ago, and now you are back. I mentioned to
a friend of mine that's staying at my house that
I was having an opportunity to talk to you. She's
in her early forties, and we started talking about the
(06:00):
Five Love Languages, and it dawned on me, Gary that
that is such a part of my vernacular, Like it's
such a part of my speech pattern. It's such a
part of my relating to people when they call me
and they're struggling in a relationship. Somebody will call my
show and I, without thinking, without prefacing it, always say well,
(06:22):
what is your primary love language?
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Yeah, it surprises me where the term love language pops up?
I saw it the other day on an Amazon box.
It said our love language is own time delivery.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yep, yeap. When you first wrote the Five Love Languages
back in the nineties, early nineties, right.
Speaker 3 (06:48):
Yeah, ninety two was published, did.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
You ever dream in a million years, how many relationships,
how many families, how many hearts you would be impacting
with those five little nuggets of wisdom that you shared
with us.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Well, the short answer is no, not cross my mind.
I did know.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
That the concept would help people because I had discovered
it in my counseling with people. I'd been using it
at least for five years in my counseling before I
decided to you know, I thought, if I can put
this in a book and write it in the language
of the common person, you know, leave out psychological terms
that a lot of people wouldn't understand. But no, I
had no idea that it would. And what really surprised
(07:35):
me is not only that it sold twenty million copies,
but that it's been publishing fifty languages around the world.
And the reason that surprised me is before I studied counseling,
I did an undergrad ani master's degree in cultural anthropology,
studying cultures all over the world and how they're organized.
So I was very sensitive to cultural differences. And so
(07:58):
when the first publisher came, which happened to be Spanish,
I wanted to get the rights.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
To publish it.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I told my publisher, I said, I don't know if
this works in Spanish culture, and they said, well, they've
read the book and they want to publish it.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
I said, well, okay, it.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Became their best seller, and then it went from there
to over fifty languages, which I think says to me
that this fundamental need for emotional love is a human
phenomena regardless of the culture. But it does seem to
me now that these five are pretty fundamental to human culture,
(08:32):
even though the dialects will be different in some cultures.
You know, for example, there are cultures in which two
men who know each other meet each other on the street,
they kiss each other on the cheek. Well, we don't
do that in our culture, but that is a dialect
of a physical touch in their language.
Speaker 3 (08:53):
But it's been very.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Encouraging, and so many people have told me when I
do marriage conferences on Saturday around the country, and almost
every Saturday, there'll be several will come up and say, Gary,
we just want to let you know that book saved
our marriage. Fifteen years ago or twenty years ago. You know,
we were just at the point of giving up, and
we read the book and the lights came on and
(09:16):
we took the quia's and learned each other's language and
we started speaking it and it literally saved our marriage.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
It's been very very encouraging.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Well, It has blessed me a thousand times over when
I speak with people, but mostly in my family with
my children, because my family is not a typical family.
Most of my children came to me through adoption, and
none of them came as a newborn. So to be
(09:46):
able to understand their their love language is foundational for me.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
When I wrote the book on the Five Love Languages
of Children, which was the second book in the series,
I said to pair, the question is not do you
love your children? The question is do your children feel loved?
And that's why that's where the love language is. The
concept really helps parents because if you understand that what
(10:13):
makes one child feel loved is not going to make
another till feel loved, you're going to be far more
effective and communicating your love to them. And so yeah,
so many parents have said that's been super, super helpful.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
So now we have the new book, the new one
in the series, the love language that matters most, the
one you just released.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
So I'm sure when people hear that, if they've read
your previous books, are going to say, well, obviously it's
the one I speak. It's you know, it's touch, it
gives acts of service, or whatever.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
Well, the one that matters most. We're saying in the book,
the love language that matters most is the love language
of your partner, or the love language of the chile,
the love language of the other person. We are all
by nature self centered, no question about that, and there's
a good part to that. That means we take care
of ourselves, we get rest and sleep and feed ourselves
(11:08):
and so forth. But that can also become selfishness, so
that our focus is on ourselves. You know, love is
an attitude that focuses on the other person. So what
we're encouraging in this book. One of the things we're
encouraging is keep that in mind that you're not expressing
love to somebody else in order to get love. You're
(11:30):
expressing love because you have an attitude of love. You
want to enrich the life of that other person, and
this is one way that you can address one of
their most fundamental emotional needs, and that is the need
to fill up.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
So that's kind of the backdrop to the story.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
But what really led me to write the book was
the questions I've had through the years. Two central questions.
One is people have said in the original book you
mentioned the term dieects, that their dialects in these languages,
just like there's dialects and spoken language. You know, I
speak English with a Southern accent. If you're in Boston,
(12:09):
it's a different a different.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Dialect, a very different dialect.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
And so, but they said you didn't discuss any of
the dialects. You just mentioned that there were dialects. And
the other question is, you know, you mentioned that there's
personalities and that interfaces with the love languages, but you didn't.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Discuss that how that, how that works.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
And so in the new book, among other things, we
are addressing those two issues, which I think is going
to help a lot of people be even more effective
in communicating love on the emotional level.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
So for somebody who might be listening to this podcast
who for whatever reason missed, uh, missed the original lesson
and the five love languages, go through each one briefly,
and I'm going to stop and interject my opinions here
and there, or my dialect here and there. Okay, but
(13:14):
each one briefly because it's so good.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Okay, these are in no particular order of importance. But
the one is words of affirmation. You look nice in
that outfit, I really appreciate what you did. You know
one of the things I like about you. It's just
using words to communicate to that person that you value them,
that you love them.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
So words.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
Another love language is acts of service, doing something for
the other person that you know they would like for
you to do. In a marriage, that is such things
as cooking meals, washing dishes, mowing the grass, walking the dog,
changing the baby's diaper, big active service, anything that you
(13:59):
know the person would like. You know, there's an old
saying action speak louder than words. Well, if this is
their love language, that's true. It's not true for everyone,
but for some people, actions do speak louder than words.
And then number three is gifts. It's universal to give
gifts as an expression of love. I discovered data and anthropology.
(14:23):
We've never discovered a culture where gift giving is not
an expression of love. And so, you know, the gift
says they were thinking about me, Look what they got
from me.
Speaker 3 (14:35):
So gifts.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
And then there's quality time giving the other person your
undivided attention. I do not mean sitting on the couch
watching TV together. Someone else is your attention. TV is off,
computer is down, we're not answering our phone. We're giving
each other our full attention. We're talking and sharing life
(14:58):
with each other. And you don't have to always be
sitting down on the couchch talking. It can be walking
down the road talking, or going out to eat, assuming
that you talk.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
We've all seen this in the restaurant.
Speaker 2 (15:09):
They're sitting there, each at the table and they each
have their phone out answering their text messages. That is
not quality time. That's proximity, but it's not quality time.
And then number five is physical touch. We've long known
the emotional power of physical touch. That's why we pick
up babies, hold them, kiss them, and cuddle them. And
(15:33):
long before the baby understands the meaning of the word love,
the baby feels.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
Love a physical touch. So those are the five.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
And as you mentioned earlier, the basic concept is that
each of us, whether it's adults or children, each of
us has what we're calling a primary love language, and
if you don't speak their primary language, they will not
feel loved, even though you're speaking some of those other languages.
So that's the basic concept up in a nutshell.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
And the language that matters most, as you said a
moment ago, is their primary language the person that you love,
whoever you're connecting to or trying to connect to at
that time.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
Absolutely absolutely.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
And you know, I remember a husband who said my
wife's language was gifts. And one morning I was taking
a walk and I saw a bird feather and I
picked it up and brushed it off, and I brought
it home and I said, honey, when I was walking,
I found this bird feather, and I want to give
it to you because it reminded me that you are
the wind beneath my wings.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
And she said, oh, that is so sweet.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Of course she did. Then she called my show and
asked me to play the song.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Didn't cost him anything, but it was just an awareness.
Gifts is her language?
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Is what is your primary love language?
Speaker 3 (16:55):
Words of affirmation?
Speaker 1 (16:57):
What a shock that you're a writer.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Now.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
My wife's language is the acts of service, because I
knew nothing about that when we got married. But what
I did was just naturally. I gave her words of affirmation.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
You're complimenting her, telling her you love her, how beautiful
she is. Meanwhile, the garbage is setting next to the
garbage pail and you are taking it out, so her mind,
you don't love her at all.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
That's right. One night she said to me, you know,
you keep on saying I love you. If you love me,
why don't you help me? I said, what do you mean?
Speaker 2 (17:34):
She said, well, you don't ever offer to wash the
dishes or back in the floors or take out the trash.
I mean, you don't offer to help me at all.
And I didn't say this, but what I was thinking,
what are you talking about? My mother did those things?
Speaker 3 (17:48):
WHOA, we bring our history with us.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Good thing you didn't speak that out loud.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Oh I know, I've said to me and many times. Listen,
you're not married to your mother. You know your wife
is different from your mother.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Okay, yeah, And if your partners and you're eating off
that dish, you can get up and wash that dish.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
That's right, Oh my so, but so now you know
for years now, of course I washed the dishes.
Speaker 3 (18:17):
Now I can't cook. I just can't cook.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
But my wife cooks, and I wash the dishes, and
I back them floors, and I take out the trash
and so forth. And my wife tells me I'm the
greatest husband in the world.
Speaker 1 (18:30):
She's learned those words of affirmation.
Speaker 3 (18:33):
Oh yes, oh yes, And you've.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Learned a few acts of service.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Yep, absolutely, and it makes all the difference in the world,
you know, because we're addressing that fundamental need to feel loved.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
So if somebody wants to you said, you teach on
Saturdays around the country.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Yeah, I do marriage conferences around the country.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
If somebody wanted to find out how to attend one
of those, where would they go to find that information? Gary?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
They could go to the website five Love Languages dot
com the number five five Love Languages dot com and
check on events or click on events and it'll show
you the ones that are coming up this spring, in
January and February March.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
And since it is the month of romance. They certainly
could bless themselves, bless their partner, bless their kids by
getting your new book, The Love Language that Matters Most,
and then really investing themselves and figuring out what that
language is and how to speak it more fluently.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
Yeah. I think if they've read the original book, this
new book is going to really take it to a
deeper level because it's.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Going to help them identify the dialects within the language
that maybe they probably already know their primary love language.
But this is going to help them identify the dialects
within that language. So now you know not only what
their language is, but you know the specific ways of
expressing that that are going to be most meaningful to
(20:02):
them emostly.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
So give me an example of a dialect of your language.
Words of affirmation.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Well, one would be words of encouragement, you know, saying
to them, you know, you really good at that, and
I just would encourage you. You know, you need to
do this or that or whatever whatever it is on
their mind. They're just encouraging them. And then there's there's
compliments simply say, you know, one of the things I
like about you, get your smile or whatever. Just looking
(20:31):
for things that you can compliment them about. And then
there is the words of affirmation, affirming them for something
they're doing. I don't tell I tell my wife sometimes
I don't take for granted that you cook. I appreciate
the fact that you cook, darling. You know, now that's
not her language, but that that would be an affirmation.
(20:51):
But it's just looking for something the things they do
and giving them verbal affirmation and not just assuming that
they know I appreciate them. So, yeah, those are some examples,
and you know, for example, if affirmation is their language
and you're giving them words of encouragement, sometimes the words
of encouragement comes across as you're trying to push them
(21:13):
to do something maybe they don't want to do. You're saying,
you know, you're really good at that, you ought to
start your own podcast, or you ought to do something else,
you know, in encouraging them to do something, but maybe
they don't want to do that, you know, and so
you feel like you're encouraging them, but in reality, they're
feeling pressure from that would far rather receive a compliment
(21:34):
about something that you like about them. So at any rate,
that's just an example of two or three of the dialects.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
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much it's blessed me and help me in all of
my relationships across the board, even with coworkers, even with
the people that I work with. When you because what
you're saying is I want to know you, I want
to understand you, and I want to know how to
bless you.
Speaker 3 (23:35):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
We wrote a book some time ago now on taking
the love Languages to work. The books entitled The Five
Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. We use a different
word because work relationships are different from family relationships. But
it's the same fundamentally emotional need. It's the need to
feel that I'm valued here. I'm not just a cog
(23:59):
in the machine. People want to know me, you know,
And we've had great response to that. I wrote it
with a psychologist who had had twenty years experience working
with business leaders, and what motivated me was research that
indicated that seventy percent of the people who have a
job in this country say they feel little appreciation from
(24:22):
the people with whom they work. Wow, And sixty four
percent of the people who leave a job and go
to another job said they left because they didn't feel
appreciated where they were. So tremendous impact. If it didn't
have to be the leader of the business, it can
start anywhere. Just a group of colleagues can get this concept.
(24:47):
To read the book, take the quiz, learn each other's
appreciation language at work, and it makes all the difference
in the world in creating a climate, a positive climate.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Well, we need a positive climate in this world in
which we live because it is crazy out there. And
I think anything we can do to deepen relationships, to
share our heart, to share love, to share peace. Now
is the time if ever we needed it, Now is
the time we need it most.
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Yeah, that's for sure.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
So Gary, I have a lot of kids. What is
the best or easiest way to discover my child, my grandchild,
the kid that I'm loving on, to discover what their
love language is and how to teach them to love
from their heart.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
The simplest way is to observe their behavior. That is,
how do they relate to you and to the siblings
or to other people. My son's love language, for example,
is physical touch. And you can discover a child's love
language at least by the time they're four years old.
When he was that age and I would come home
from work and they have to he would run to
(26:01):
the door, grab my legs and climb on me. He's
touching me because he wants to be touched. My daughter
never did that at that age. She would say, Daddy,
come into my room. I want to show you something.
She wanted my undivided attention. She wanted quality time. So
observe their behavior. And then the second clue is what
(26:22):
do they request most often? If they're saying, you know,
can we take a walk together? And that was my
daughter's common request when she was a teenager day, can
we take a walk after dinner? She's asking me for
quality time? And then what do they complain about. I
had a mother say to me just recently. She said,
(26:43):
my six year old son said to me, we don't
ever go to the park anymore since the baby came.
He's telling her his love language. We used to go
to the park. You and me and I had your
undivided attention, and the baby's here. Those three things together,
you can pretty well figure out what a child's love
(27:04):
language is.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
But I would like to add this.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Don't hear me saying that you only speak the child's
primary love language? No, no, no, no heavy doses of
the primary, but speak the other four along the way.
And as the child gets old, or explained to them
that there are different ways that we express love, and
we all have a primary language, but here are some
other ways. So we teach them how to receive love
(27:29):
in all five ways, and we're teaching them how to
give love. We're preparing them for success in life when
it comes to relationships. Most of us did not receive
all five growing up. So when we get to be
adults and we hit this concept and are trying to
build our relationships.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
It's a learning curve.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
If you never receive words of affirmation growing up, and
now your partner's language is words of affirmation. It's going
to take some effort, but you can do it. That's
the good news. You can learn to speak any of
these languages as an adult, even if you didn't get
them as a child, but far healthier if you can
give all five of them, but heavy doses of the
(28:11):
primary five.
Speaker 1 (28:12):
The number five love languages dot com right for all
things love language related.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
Right.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Yeah, they can get all my books there or you know,
little birds on all the books they can take. There's
the free quiaz. Now we have a premier quiz if
they're interested in that, which does include the dialects and
all of that too. So yeah, that's the website.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
So if I wanted to take the I've taken the
first quiz, I mean obviously and back in the nineties,
but you have a premier quiz that would help me
to figure out like, like you said, like the dialects,
the nuances.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Yes, but it's it's designed for adults relationships, but it
also includes your relationship with your children. It's it's really
giving you more information about yourself what your particular dialect is,
and how the love language is elate percentages. It's a
fifteen page print out. I mean, it's it's really a
lot of good information and it interfaces that that premier
(29:16):
quiz interfaces with the new book. Of course, now you
have to pay for the premier quiz. The other one's
been free. My publisher runs that website and they told
me one hundred and sixty five million people they've taken
that frequiz.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Wow, Wow, does that just blow your mind?
Speaker 3 (29:34):
It does, it does.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
And you know, there's a there's a frequiz for married couples,
there's a free quiz for single adults. There's a frequiz
for teenagers, and then there's a there's a quiz that
if the child's not old enough to read that the
questions that the parent can ask the child that can
also help discover their their love language.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
So yeah, so it s there's a lot of information
on that website.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
You know, if we all work together, if everybody uses
the two the tools they have to increase the amount
of connectedness, to increase the amount of love expressed and
shared between families, between people, between couples, in the workplace,
in schools, think how much better this world would be.
Speaker 3 (30:20):
Absolutely, absolutely, we.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Got to turn the Titanic around.
Speaker 3 (30:24):
You're right.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
We do have a curriculum for public schools grades one
through six discovering the love languages at school. And it's
hard to get into public schools, but when they do,
they're seeing a tremendous difference because the teacher only has
to take one hour each week and talk about one
of the love languages, and by the end of the thing,
she knows the primary love language of every child in
(30:46):
the room. And there's a letter they send home to
the parents and they get the concept. So, yeah, we're
doing everything we can to help people realize. One of
the most fundamental decisions person remakes in life is to
have an attitude of love rather than an attitude of selfishness.
Because selfishness approaches every relationship with what can I get
(31:09):
out of it? Love approaches that relationship with how can
I enrich the life of this other person?
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Gerry, thank you for spending time here with us today.
God bless you.
Speaker 3 (31:21):
Well, thank you, and God bless you as well.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
This new book The Love Language that matters most, How
to personalize love so they really feel it. Provides coaching
on how to personalize love and ways that truly connect together.
The authors delve into the dialects and the distinctions that
shape how we give and receive love. Whether you're dating,
(31:45):
newly married, or decades into your relationship, the book is
a game changer for deepening connection and making love last.
You can find more information about this book even order
a copy at five I've the number five five Love
Languages dot com, or pick up a copy wherever you
(32:07):
feed your reading habit. Learning to love well is not
about rushing to get it right, but about embracing the process,
one thoughtful step at a time. Mastering your partner's love
language isn't about getting it perfect. It's about making progress.
It's about making a consistent effort to show up, set
(32:30):
your own agenda aside for the moment, empathize, and choose
to love the person in front of you in the
way they need it most. Happy Valentine's Day, my friend.
I hope this season finds you opening your heart to love.
Love for your partner, your family, your friends, love for
your community and those less fortunate, Love for people you
(32:55):
don't like. That's a hard one, but I know you
can do it There are so many many ways to
love and to be loved in this world. To show
others that they are valued, while at the same time
filling your love tank too. God bless you and thank
you for joining me on love someone with the Lilah
Host
Delilah
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