If You Knew Better: Lil Durk's Mom LaShawnda Woodard Knows the Hardest Person to Forgive Is Yourself
September 12, 2026 • 59 mins
The Black Effect Presents... If You Knew Better with Amber Grimes!
In this episode of If You Knew Better, Amber Grimes welcomes LaShawnda Woodard aka "Mama Durk" for a deeply personal conversation about teen motherhood, grief, trauma, and healing [00:00]. LaShawnda reflects on becoming a young mother [01:44], lessons she later understood from her own mom [03:51], supporting Lil Durk’s music dreams [05:49], and raising each child according to their individual needs [07:01]. She remembers her oldest son D-Thang [09:00], opens up about living with grief after his death [09:55], and shares her struggles with depression and isolation [13:58]. Amber challenges LaShawnda’s self-blame while discussing the importance of community [19:42], before LaShawnda speaks candidly about surviving sexual assault [21:59], encouraging other survivors to speak up and seek help [28:42] as they explore lingering trauma [30:27] and finding language for painful experiences [30:58].
Amber encourages LaShawnda to give herself grace [32:23], examining parenting through pain [32:58], accountability versus blame [33:40], and faith and forgiveness [36:00]. LaShawnda discusses sharing her story through 7220 [37:05] and surviving an attempted assault as a teenager [38:11], while Amber reinforces that survivors are not responsible for the harm done to them [40:56] and encourages her to release the weight she has carried [41:55]. They reflect on how children remember their upbringing differently [45:19], learning to acknowledge the good alongside the mistakes [48:44], and LaShawnda’s final memories with D-Thang [50:55]. The episode closes with a challenge to rediscover joy [53:11], understand how trauma can freeze us in time [56:13], reconnect with community [57:09], and continue the journey toward healing [58:15].
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O.P. Date: September 8, 2026
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to If You Knew Better with Amber Grimes, a
production of the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. I
feel like everything that has happened is my fault. I
blame myself for everything that's happening. I blame myself for...
my son getting killed. And I blame myself for my
(00:27):
son being... Locked up. LaShonda, hi. Welcome to the show.
Thank you. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. I'm excited
to have you. One, because I'm becoming a mommy. Yeah.
And so I really wanted to learn from you and
just speak to you because you speak so honestly and
(00:48):
gracefully about parenting. Yes. But also one of the things
I commend about you as a mother, it's a beautiful
thing to share The life you have before kids while
with your kids here. I think a lot of the
times moms and dads, they become parents. Yes. And you
almost forget that they're humans, right? That they were humans
(01:11):
before you. They had a life before you. Yeah. Mama
had a life before you were here. And sometimes you
don't ever learn anything about your parents until either they're
not here anymore or there's just secrets that you're stuck
with and you have nobody to ask and You poured
a lot of your life, your younger life, into this book.
(01:31):
I just wanted to commend you and say I'm so
proud of you as a parent and for being brave
enough to share the things that you share in this
book because I know that wasn't easy. No, it wasn't.
I really thank you and appreciate it. As a teen mom,
we go through a lot. Now, a lot of people say, oh,
she was a teen mom or use it as an
(01:52):
excuse of, being a bad parent or not knowing how
to be a parent. But as I was growing up,
bypassing being a teen mom, when I grew older, I
seen a lot of teen moms. I'm talking about hustling
(02:13):
teen moms, like getting on a bus with their kid
with a backpack on, on their way to school versus
me using it as an excuse not to go to
school Because I got pregnant and became a teen mom.
But there's some teen moms out there that I've seen
(02:34):
that was really, really doing it. And I was like, wow,
you know, and I commend them. Like I said, it
was just getting on the bus, going to school with
the stroller, holding up the bus. You know how you
get mad? Holding up the bus like, oh, come on.
She got the stroller with the baby, but she was
hustling maybe and getting on to school, dropping her baby
off to the babysitter. and on her way to school.
(02:55):
So I commend moms like that, teen moms like that.
Is that something that, I don't prefer the word regret
at all, but something that kind of plagues you thinking,
you know, should you have stayed in school? Are there
things you should have tried to do instead of pouring
your all into being a teen mom? I would change
(03:15):
a lot of things. I wouldn't change being a parent,
a teen parent. I love my kids. We grew together,
you know. And as I was getting older, I was
still learning. Even though my mom was always there, like,
in my ear of do this, do that, don't do this,
(03:35):
don't do that. And it went in this ear and
it came out the other. But as I got older,
I realized, like, wow, she was teaching me, you know,
and I didn't take heed to that. And it's okay
because you have a lot of people that's like that.
And it's okay. But I learned a lot from it.
Do you have more understanding for your kids as you
(03:57):
are raising them? Yeah. Knowing that you weren't listening either
to your mom. They never listen. And I look at
them like, then I have to look at myself like, well, Shonda,
you didn't listen. So, of course, it's just going to
be like a replay. I think kids always think they know,
you know. And when you listen to the things your
(04:20):
mom tell you, you're like, oh, my God. lady be
quiet I got this and you think about it as
I got older I thought about it I'm like dang
she was telling me and I wasn't listening and now
that I listen and I just thank her I just
thank my mom for everything that she said I thank
(04:43):
my grandma too my grandma laughed I'm getting off track
but my grandma laughed so we laughed so hard together
um I was in high school and she was like, well,
what you going to be? And I said, well, I
want to be a doctor or a lawyer. You know,
that's not what everybody says. And she just started cracking
up so hard. I'm like, what's up? And I'm like,
(05:04):
a doctor or a lawyer. She was like, that's what
everybody say. You know, you telling me something that I
want to hear. She was like, like, what do you
want to be? Like, seriously, what do you want to be?
And I never knew. Honestly, I never knew what I
wanted to be. But as I got older and my
kids got older. They always knew what they wanted. It
(05:25):
was just me. I never knew what I wanted to be.
You felt like they always knew or they were ambitious.
What part did you play in that though? Because they're
in the house with you so they had to get
some of that ambition from mom. I think it was
more so of my mom. We was in the house
with my mom so my mom and my brother was
basically raising them. They always knew And Dirk always knew
(05:51):
what he wanted to be. And I'm like, what else
do you want besides a rapper? And he said he
wanted to play ball. And he did. And then I
guess he let people in his ear, oh, you're too short,
you won't make it in the NBA. So he focused
more so on his music. And that's what he did.
(06:15):
And he worked hard at his craft, very hard. on
his own, by himself, him and his brother. I supported
him 100%. If he said this is what he wanted
to do, then I supported him. I gave him what
he needed, like money for his studio time. And he
(06:37):
always asked me, I always say it in all my interviews,
for the studio time, I guess it was $ 50. I
had 40, never had 50. I had 45. I had 30.
I never, ever had $ 50 to give him. And we
talk about it to this day and we laugh about it.
And he say, now look now, ma. And I'm just
(06:59):
so proud of him. How did you nurture all your kids' differences? Because,
you know, they say you can have a, you can
grow up with a brother or sister and everybody kind
of has a different life. Everybody has a different experience
in the house. How did you I guess create understanding
for all of your kids, different personalities, dreams, goals, things
that they were doing in school, like in school or not,
(07:21):
you know, how did you, how did you do that?
I handled them individually. Okay. Um, of course all of
them was different. Um, my son, um, that has D thing,
he was more ambition. Oh man, he loves school. Like
majority of the kids, my kids, I had to wake
(07:44):
him up and come on, get up, and it's time
to go. But D-Thing, no. He knew that he had
to get up and go to school, you know, like
versus my other kids, like five more minutes, ten more minutes,
you know. D-Thing was out the door, honey. He loved school.
He knew what he wanted. And when he finished school,
(08:08):
like everybody was so proud of him. Everybody was proud.
He was so proud of himself. You know, because he
accomplished something on his own. And that's your oldest? Oldest son, yeah.
How was your connection with him just different, knowing that
he'd been growing up with you since you were 17
years old? We butt heads a lot. He was the
(08:33):
type of kid that knew everything, I would say. He
knew everything. You couldn't tell him nothing. He already had
everything all figured out. He will listen to you and
take your advice or whatever, but he had everything figured
out and mapped out and just ready to go. You
couldn't tell him nothing about what he wanted or how
(08:56):
to do it to get it. He knew it. What's
your favorite memory of him? His smile. Yeah, his smile.
Just like Dirk. Million dollar smile. And what I wouldn't
give to Have an argument with him. We used to
butt heads all the time. I'm telling him not to
(09:17):
do this. Or he shouldn't do that. Even though he's
grown or whatever. But as a mom you're still going to.
Be in his ear about. What he shouldn't do. What
he should do. Focus on this. Don't focus on that.
And they'll listen. But they don't listen. Like I did.
(09:37):
One ear one out the other. But he kind of.
He listens to you, voices his opinion, and then go
do whatever he's going to do, regardless of what you're
talking about. That's a really beautiful thing for you to
have gratitude for all the moments, right? Even the ones
that weren't so good. How do you deal with that
(09:57):
as a parent, the loss of a child? You don't.
You don't deal with it. I'm in the phase now
of trying to manage it. But for right now, there's
no such thing of getting over it. There's no such
thing of dealing with it. It's a constant, like, ache
(10:19):
in your heart and I don't know like I'm at
the point where I'm confused I'm hurt I'm depressed um
it's unbelievable I still wake up and be like like
is this real um I don't know how to deal
(10:43):
with it um right now and it's been five years
And it's like yesterday. And I don't know how to
deal with it. And going through something like that as
a mom, you know, your job is to be there
for everybody else. Yeah. Because they lost a brother and
(11:03):
they lost a grandson. Who takes care of mom. Yeah.
And I feel like I wouldn't want to put the
pressure on, like, my husband. I don't put the pressure
on my kids. Yeah. I'd rather, like, keep it to
myself and my husband fuss all the time. Like, that's
what I'm here for. I know what you're going through.
(11:23):
Let's talk about it. And most of the time, I
just close myself off and be like, no, I'm okay. No,
I'm not okay. I cry every day until to this day.
And what I do is I cry in the shower,
whereas nobody know, you know what I'm saying, that I
didn't cry because my face is wet and, you know.
(11:47):
And then at nighttime, I just wait until, you know,
the lights are off, and I cry then. And a
lot of people tell me, oh, you need to go
see a therapist. For me, therapists work for a lot
of people. I'm not knocking them at all. But for me,
if you haven't lost a child, you can't help me.
(12:07):
That's my mindset. Like, that's how I feel. You can't
help me because you don't know what I'm going through.
Is there a community of moms who do understand or
just anybody that you felt safe to speak about that with?
Or is it just... It probably is. And I'm working
(12:29):
towards something like that. Because the moms will be the
only people that could... I wouldn't say help me, but
we can compare our pain or what we go through with...
How do we go about managing our pain? I tell
a lot of people like I have an eating disorder
and people don't believe me. And when I tell you
(12:51):
I eat to comfort my pain and people laugh like, no,
you look good and da, da, da. I'm like, no,
trust me. I eat. And I try to eat my
pain away. It's a comfort for me. It's a comfort.
(13:11):
How do we Now that I have this addiction, how
do I manage that? So it's one problem after another.
And at my age, I'm not supposed to eat Flamin'
Hots with pickles all day. Noodles with the little Bodak sauce.
(13:36):
I'm not supposed to have that. You know what I'm saying?
And I'm not talking about one or two packs. I'm
talking about three and four. Knowing it's not right, you know.
So I'm going through and dealing with a lot. So
at one point, I'm going to get it together and
(13:56):
try to manage it and fix it. I know that
you went through moments that you didn't understand as a
younger girl, crying in your room and not really being
able to tell anybody why or understanding why you felt sad.
Does that take you back there at all? Yeah. Yeah.
It stems from that. Like, I never knew what depression was.
(14:20):
And I never said anything. Like, crying for no reason.
Not knowing why I'm sad. Like, why? And then after
I had D-things, I think it got a little worse.
Cried all the time with my baby. And I never
(14:43):
said anything to my mom. But my mom will always
ask me, like, are you okay? You good? And I'm like, yeah,
I'm happy. And, you know, I always let people know, like,
that I'm happy. But on the inside, I'm just telling
them something just to, you know, let them know that
I'm okay so they won't keep asking me the same
(15:04):
thing over and over again. But I'm not. And what
have you learned about depression now, if enough, to... to
try to manage it better than you did when you
were 13, 14 years old. So I was, I've been depressed.
So I'll wait till my husband go to work. Um,
(15:27):
cause he'll come home and be like, um, you've been
out the bed. Um, have you eaten anything? Have you
gotten a shower? Whatever. So, uh, one time I didn't
shower for a long time. And he came in, he
was like, well, what is the smell, you know? And
it was me. So when he said something, I'm like, damn,
(15:52):
is it that bad? And he was like, yeah. So
I had started from there to like try to make
myself get up and like, okay, get in the shower.
So I started that to get in the shower, like, okay,
get in the shower, look in the mirror, tell yourself
you're okay. every day, just to try to boost yourself up.
(16:20):
And I started it and then everything was going fine.
And then after a while, I'm like back down, you know,
couldn't wait till nighttime come so I could be in
the dark with the cover over my face. Couldn't wait
till my husband go to sleep because he know if
I'm crying or not. So I'm like, oh my God,
go to sleep. So when he go to sleep, I
(16:41):
can just ball out and just until I just fall
asleep or until I just get tired. I love that
he does that because a lot of it is just,
you know, finding some type of routine that you can
attach to and make yourself feel normal and like you're
having a good day. I have dealt with depression before
(17:02):
and in the same way of it's like, man, I
don't know why I don't feel like doing anything today,
but I'm about to watch Desperate Housewives. There's a lot
of seasons of that. It'll take you right through, you know?
And I don't, I think people don't, don't really understand
what depression, people don't understand what depression feels like, but
(17:24):
absolutely don't always know what depression looks like. And you think,
you know, you're here today. You absolutely smelling good, looking
good and all of the things, by the way, you know,
so for your husband to be able to pick up
on these irregularities that you're having, it's such a beautiful thing, but,
is your depression different? You feel like after suffering a
(17:45):
loss and it's like, it's something that's building up or
does it feel the same as the type of depression
that was making you cry when you were 14? I
feel like we don't always talk about the depth of
it and how it can, depression can be new. You
talked about being 17. We didn't talk about postpartum depression.
That was a whole different version that you were probably
(18:05):
dealing with and nobody was talking to you and you
weren't saying anything. Um, What have those layers of depression
felt like for you? I think the time before D-Thing,
I don't know where it come from. I just know
and I remember crying all the time for no reason.
(18:26):
So when I had D-Thing, I was like crying even more,
but I knew to hide it more than as a kid.
I know it sounds crazy, but As a kid, of course,
you're going to have it. You can have it a
little bit. But as you get older, you can have
it way more, way more. And I think that's what
(18:48):
I did. I hid it way more. I get people
thinking I was okay and I was happy about it.
I think it got worse once I had my baby, yeah.
It definitely got worse. I was at the point like, okay,
what am I going to do? Now you want to
do everything in the world. after you have your baby,
(19:10):
knowing you could have did it prior. Oh, now I
want to go work. I want to do this. I
want to finish school. I want to go this. Now
I'm like, now I can't do it because I have
my baby. Now I have to wait until my baby
get this age to do it. It was just so much.
And it was just piling on and stacking and stacking
and stacking. Because at that time, I'm like, okay, I
(19:31):
want to do this. I want to do that. Oh,
but Shauna, you didn't want to do that before then.
But now you want to do it after you have
the baby. And now that you have a baby and
you're mad, you're thinking, okay, I can't do nothing. But
it was so many resources. Like my mom, when I
say my mom had my back, I don't know what
I would've did. without my mom and my brother. Man,
(19:54):
when you say a village, that was my village right there. Yeah.
My mom was everything. My mom took care of my kids,
fed my kids. And at some point, I was like, okay.
Of course we all in the same house. Okay, I'm
going to go outside and go do that. Oh, I'm
(20:16):
partying and going here and going there. I was like,
wait a minute. When I babysit, you're going to either
go to school or you're going to work. I'm not
here to be babysitting as you in the street partying
or whatever, doing whatever you want to do. She said,
it don't work like that, honey. And then I had
(20:37):
to regroup again. Bam, there go another baby. I'm like, oh,
my God. I was just defeated then. Like, dang. You
were hard on yourself. Yeah. Why is that? Because I
knew I could have did better. I had my resource,
my mom, in my ear telling me, you need to
(20:59):
do this. When I had my first baby. You need
to do this. You need to figure out what you're
going to do. You have a baby now. You got
to raise your baby. And you can't raise your baby
off no restaurant job. So you need to go to school,
get your career, and get it going so that you
(21:22):
can raise your baby and get him out the neighborhood
at that time. Oh, I had plenty of time, ma,
in my head, you know. Plenty of time. I ain't
had that much time. Because, bam, there go another one.
And then there go another excuse. Were you taking into
(21:43):
account some of the things that you had to deal
with younger? You're very hard on yourself, but some of
the things that you experienced weren't normal for a young
girl to experience. No. I went through a lot. Like
(22:03):
the guy I talk about in my book with the
sexual assault. Like I blamed myself for a long time
for that because my mom, I think my mom was
the oldest mom out of all the girls I hung with.
I think she was the oldest. Yeah, she was the oldest.
So she was more so on my butt about everything.
(22:27):
And I couldn't wear certain clothes. Like I wanted to,
you know, when you go to the party, you just
want to put on your makeup and whatever, whatever. So
I go to my friend's house, change my clothes, and
put my makeup on or whatever. And when it happened,
I felt like it was my fault because I shouldn't
(22:48):
have did that. Did I attract him to me with
the short shorts I had on and the lipstick I
had on and the eyeliner I wanted to wear so bad?
Did I trigger him? You know, and I blame myself.
(23:08):
A long time for that. A long time. Have you
reconciled with that, that that was not your fault at all?
And a grown man needs to know how to control
himself and be an adult, no matter what someone's wearing
(23:30):
or doing or saying, that that's not your fault at all? No,
I haven't dealt with that yet. No. No, not yet.
I mean, I'll work towards it, you know, to say, no,
(23:50):
it wasn't your fault. No, but I haven't dealt with
that yet. Yeah. I hear you, you know, I love
accountability more than anybody, but you've you're not responsible for
taking accountability for, for everything. And it's possible that things
(24:13):
happen to you that are out of your control. And,
you know, I'm, I'm just listening to you, but you're,
as a young girl, you're not accountable for someone not
being able to control themselves, especially someone older than you.
They're taking advantage of you. Um, you know, and that,
that makes me sad to, to hear, um, But that
(24:37):
is not your fault and that is not normal. So
you said, okay, so you said like, if I had
on regular clothes with no makeup that I had on,
would he still would have did what he did or
he wouldn't did what he did? I'm saying that there's
(25:04):
no type of, clothes, makeup, lack thereof that you could
have or have not been wearing that makes it okay
for a grown man to take advantage of a young girl,
especially someone that you trusted and someone who has the
trust of others. And I'm saying that is not your fault. Yeah.
(25:29):
That is not your fault. You know what's the most
normal thing? Young girls going into the bathroom and changing
their clothes because their mom didn't want them to wear shorts. Okay. Okay?
Because I was the queen of changing in the school bathroom. Okay? Okay.
You know what's normal? Young girls sneaking eyeliner. Yeah. And
putting it on and coming with the raccoon eyes because
(25:50):
we know we weren't supposed to have it on. Right? Right.
This is normal. Me and you were laughing about this.
We've had the same childhood. We all wanted to be,
you know, little, we wanted to be cute. The over-sexualization
of Black girls, young Black girls is not normal. Okay.
That's not our fault. Okay. That's not your fault. Okay.
(26:17):
And I try to sometimes, like, put that in my mind, like... Like, no,
it's not your fault. And sometimes I be okay with it.
But then sometimes I think about it like the shorts.
It was the shorts. And then I'm like, no, it
(26:39):
wasn't the shorts. It was the lipstick and the eyeliner
that made him think that I was older. So I
play it back in my head. And then sometimes I
just leave it alone. Like, okay, whatever. And see, that's
the part, too. People deal with sexual assault at all ages,
(27:00):
you know, from people that they trust, from people. You
can be sexually assaulted by someone you live with, by
a spouse. Even if he thought you were older, did
you give him permission to touch you? No. No. I
thought he was cool because he's the choir director. The
choir director. And I never, ever said anything like, who's
(27:23):
going to believe me? Because you snuck and changed your clothes.
Who going to believe me? Oh, he's in the church.
Who's going to believe me? You know, so I just
kept it to myself until I wrote my book and
just wrote about it and thought that it would, it
(27:44):
did help me a little bit, but in my mind
it's still my fault. I think that's the power of
Saying it out loud, no matter how long it takes, right?
Because it's not your fault either that it took this
long for you to feel confident enough or brave enough
to say something or to write about it. Yeah. That's okay.
In this lifetime, you got around to sharing it. Yes,
(28:05):
I did. And I think saying it out loud, which
is why people who do things like this don't want
you to, because there's going to be somebody to tell you, hey,
that's not okay. I think a lot of people who
experience this are always... more concerned about all the people
who won't believe them and think very little about the
(28:26):
person who's going to say, who did what? That's not okay.
That's not normal and straight to jail, sir. And that's
why so much of this goes unsaid because the minute
you hear someone say, you know, you're lying, you're done. Yeah. Yeah.
But to a young girl right now who's experienced what
you've experienced, What would you say to her? Would your
(28:48):
advice be to speak up or to deal with this
for decades? Open your mouth. Tell someone. Tell a friend.
Tell a sister. Tell a cousin, brother, a mother, a grandma.
Tell someone until someone believes you. Don't just stop. I
(29:09):
spoke at a couple of high schools, and the young
women there was going through the same thing. And it
was a conversation. Oh, I didn't say nothing to my
mom because it was such and such. I don't want
to say it. It was such and such. And I was, like, flabbergasted. Like, what?
(29:31):
And I was like, well, you never say anything. Well,
my mom said, no, he wouldn't do nothing like that.
So I'm saying nothing. that to say this if mom
don't believe you go to the next person to the
next person to the next person until somebody's like really
okay I'm gonna ask this person or let's go to
(29:53):
the police station or let's do something let's take action
I would tell I would Tell everyone just to speak up.
Open your mouth. Regardless if this person don't believe you,
go to the next. So forth and so on. Until
someone believes you. And you know, the weight carrying that
(30:15):
on your own for years and years and years is heavy. Yeah.
And you talk about Being sad and not understanding why
you're sad, that type of stuff just creeps up into
the back of your mind and gives you all types
of negative thoughts. Like you said, thoughts of you blaming
(30:36):
yourself and saying, well, how could I have changed it?
What could I have done differently? And it's not fair
to you. And I think people underestimate how long something
like that can live with you. It's the same thing
you said about your son. That's five years ago. That
feels like yesterday. It's not. That's not something you just
get over. Yeah, it's a lot to deal with. The
(31:00):
young women that I spoke to, what I went through
was nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the things that I
heard from them. Absolutely nothing. It wasn't even on the
same scale. But yet, they were still in school. trying
(31:22):
to get out, as they told me. Once I graduate
and do this, I'm going to college just to get away.
I'm going to the service just to get away. I'm
going here, I'm going there. I'm talking about it was
nothing that I went through compared to, it was nothing
for me, you know, compared to them. It was disgusting. Disgusting. Hurtful.
(31:50):
To just hear it. but yet they fighting through it
to get out. And they have more examples now. There's
more language for a lot of things. When you were
13 and 14, it was things people didn't talk about.
You didn't even have the language for depression. The kids
are making TikToks and stuff about having anxiety and what
(32:13):
that feels like. You didn't have that. And so I
appreciate that. It may be That they have the space,
the space that even you're creating to speak about it. Yeah.
But I also want you today to give yourself some
grace because you didn't have access to the same resources. Yeah.
At all. No. No. You're going to leave here lightened
(32:35):
up on LaShonda. Yes. Because she's doing her best. Yes.
And she's been doing her best for a long time
and not giving herself enough credit for it is what
I'm hearing. Yeah. in this conversation. We ain't doing that today.
Not today. Not today. And not tomorrow, too. I'm going
to tell your people to check you. I got you.
Dealing with, still dealing with a lot of that stuff.
(33:00):
Does that trauma help you show up differently as a
parent now and protect your kids in a different way?
Because you know what it feels to not feel safe
or to not have anybody to talk to or just
to be confused and young. How do you show up
for your kids now? I try to show up the
(33:23):
best I can. You know, now with different situations that's
going on, I try to blank out my pain and, like,
be there for them and be strong for them. It's
still kind of hard. I feel like everything that has
(33:46):
happened is my fault. I blame myself for everything that's happening.
I blame myself for my son getting killed. And I
blame myself for my son being locked up. Because I
(34:09):
felt like... Well, not felt. I know for a fact
this pop-up. Because if I will listen to my mom
then on what to do and how to do it,
how to move, how to go finish school, how to
get your career going so that you can get about
(34:31):
the neighborhood that we're living in, which is 7220. And
I kept putting it off like, oh, I got plenty
of time to do that. Oh, I can go to
school later, you know. Oh, I can do this. I
just kept putting it off, you know. And if I
(34:53):
would have listened like I was supposed to, we would
have been somewhere totally different. They would have been raised different.
And I felt like everything would have been better. So
I take accountability. for everything. And it's my fault. This
(35:14):
is nothing that you could tell me. It's nothing that
they done told me. Um, it's nothing. Because I know
for a fact that I could have did better. And
I didn't. So, yes, I failed them. And, right now,
(35:36):
I'm just going through the motions right now. Um, to
try to get everything back on track. Do you believe
there's still time for you to do that? Yes. Yep.
It's never too late. Never too late. And not saying
that I'm just now starting. I've been started. Yeah. You know,
(36:00):
I've been asked my children for forgiveness. And they like,
for what? What did you do? Why you, you know,
You did the best that you could. And I'm like, no,
I didn't. They think the world of me. And I
never understood why. Think the world. And that makes me
(36:28):
smile so hard. Like, what? And if I asked them
last year or if I asked them this year, it's
still the same thing. But I still did it. I
asked for forgiveness. And he said, okay, well, we forgive
you for whatever the reason is, you know. And I'm
(36:51):
just taking that one day at a time. You know,
I believe in the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit,
Jesus Christ himself. That's who I believe in. And that's
my go-to. How did writing this book, 7220, uh, Did
it release any of this pressure? Was it just a
(37:14):
tool for you to get something out? Have you forgiven
yourself any as you look back at what you wrote
and went through this process? When I wrote that book,
let me tell you, it took me every bit of
maybe two to three weeks to write that book. And
I tell people that all the time, like, what, two
to three weeks? I promise you, everything was always here.
(37:38):
All I needed to do was just write it. And
I was writing and writing and writing and it didn't
take me no time to just finish it. It helped
at that moment, I think. Yeah, just at that moment.
And I still, I'm still dealing with, you know, the
sexual assault. The attempted rape was something totally different. You know,
(38:04):
and I fought and I fought and I fought and
it some point I was just going to give up.
When was this? Um, I think I was 17, 17
or 18. Yeah. And it was in, um, my very
(38:29):
first apartment that I moved out from my mom. And
we was just so excited. Me and my, um, best friend, Chris,
we had got our, um, first apartment and whatever and
everything was going and the money was coming in and
that person needed something so I'm like okay is Chris
(38:54):
over there and they was like no Chris ain't over
there so I had to walk over to that because
I wasn't at home and once we got there that
person immediately attack me. He needed me. And when I
say I fought, I fought. Of course, that person is stronger, right?
(39:20):
So I'm fighting, I'm fighting. So I'm one hand and
then the other hand, I'm bamming, I'm kicking on the
floor because I know that person is always at home.
Or if she wasn't at home, her mom was at home,
somebody was at home at all times. So I'm holding,
and I'm knocking, and I'm kicking, and I'm just fighting
(39:45):
and fighting. At one point, I'm like, this day, she
wouldn't be at home. And she came upstairs, and she
knocked on the door, banging on the door. And that
person stopped. He opened the door. She was there, and
he just left out like nothing happened. And she stood
(40:07):
there and was like, you okay? And I told her yes,
and she closed the door. And I locked the door.
And I didn't leave out the door immediately because I
was scared. So I waited and waited and waited. And
it wasn't even nighttime. So it was daytime. I'm like, man,
(40:34):
where is she? You know, she's at home all the time.
And I waited and waited and waited. And I finally
just left out. And she never ever said anything to me.
She never brought it up to me. She never asked
what happened. Nothing. And I just always just kept it,
(40:54):
you know, to myself. Can I ask you a question? Mm-hmm.
You have pants on? Yes. What color was your lipstick?
I didn't have a lipstick. Oh. Okay. That wasn't your
(41:14):
fault either? No. You got me on that one. Okay.
I hope that can help heal something in you younger
that says it has nothing to do with me. There's
(41:35):
just evil in the world. Yeah. There's just evil in
the world. And evil is not attracted to a certain
kind of metal stick. No. I guess you're right. Knowledge
you put in that way Okay, I see. Wow. Okay.
You are carrying so much. Yeah. That's tiring. You are
(42:08):
carrying it without being asked. You are carrying it even
after having been forgiven. Yeah. And hearing, Mom, you're crazy.
We love you. What are you talking about? Well, how
can we put some of it down? It's so hard
(42:31):
for me to put it down. It's so hard. How?
That is a good question. How? Like, what is my
first step on letting it go? Or which one should
I let go first? You have been strong. You have
(42:56):
done the best that you could do. My therapist tells
me all the time, but, you know, I'm going in
there complaining about my parents and my life and saying,
it's okay, just because your parents did the best they
could do, that doesn't mean it was the best. Okay? Okay. Okay.
It's okay for it to have not been the best.
(43:18):
Who was measuring it? Yeah. Okay. I know that you're
working on another book. Yeah. More about parenting. Yes. And
I really, I'm glad that we get to have this
(43:39):
conversation because I just like, I don't think you know
how unaccountable some parents can be. Wow. And how much
responsibility they don't take for how they raised you and
what that best looked like. And even just communicating. If
(44:01):
your kids forgave you for something, that means you were
talking to them. Yeah. And you're open with your kids.
You're sharing with your kids. You've chose to share with
the world. Yes. Yep. Even though I don't care what
the world thinks or says. I want to make that clear.
I would never, ever care about what nobody think or
(44:24):
say about me. Never have and never will. The only
thing that I'm concerned about is my kids or my
husband or what he thinks or, you know, and making
sure that they're okay with decisions I made um we
(44:50):
had that conversation but only thing that puzzled me is
like when they say oh we forgive you for whatever
like they don't know or they just don't want to
tell me or I don't know like we went through
the struggle together like and they just like oh no
(45:13):
you did the best you can mom you know what No,
I didn't. No. Can I try to explain? The way
kids remember their childhood, especially if it's contentious with a parent,
there'll be something that happened to us when we were
like eight years old and we're like, this was the
(45:35):
worst thing ever. And this shaped my whole life. And
you maybe ask your mom about it and she'd be like,
what the hell are you talking about? I didn't never
tell you you could sing. That is not what I said.
But for you, it's this big thing. And it fuels you.
Or for some people, it helps them continue to make excuses.
(45:57):
And your parents don't even remember. They're like, I don't
remember I said that shit. I just didn't have no
McDonald's money that year. I feel that you are taking
some things from when you were younger and holding on
to them and thinking that your kids held on to
them or they shaped them in a way And they're saying, mom,
it didn't. This was a big deal to you, mom.
(46:21):
I don't remember that. I was outside playing. Okay. Wow. That,
you know, you guys have to find that middle ground
that it doesn't invalidate your experience. If you remember it
and it was powerful to you, that is your experience.
But like you say, you have multiple children with different
(46:42):
personalities and all different perspectives and everything that maybe hurt
you or the way that you saw it as an adult,
they might have just been in the backseat. They was like,
what are you talking about? You did something right. If
your kids are telling you, if your kids are giving
you forgiveness, radical forgiveness. They say, I don't know what
(47:05):
this lady's talking about, but I forgive you, lady, please.
They recognize that you did your best. And they're still
here for you. And you're still here for them. Yes.
There's a whole other side to this parenting thing that
is really bad, LaShawn. I don't know about it. Oh, yes.
Now that you say it, I think you should be
(47:26):
a therapist. If I could go back to school, I'd
drop out too. Everything happens for a reason. Yeah, I
believe in that. You are still here today, sitting with me,
here able to support your son. Yes. Able to put
out a book. I think that there's a little more
(47:49):
credit that you need to give yourself for having done,
you did a good job. Okay. Okay. I'll try to
make myself believe it. I don't think, if I would
have done a good job, I wouldn't have a son
(48:10):
in a grave and I wouldn't have a son fighting
for his life. That's what is, like, eating at me. Like,
I've already taken accountability for it. I just have to, like,
I don't know, like, put it in my mind, like, okay,
(48:32):
it's your fault. Let's change things. Let's do something different. Okay,
we know it's your fault. Let's start something new. If
both things could be true, Just from what I've learned
from you today, you say it's your fault that your
son passed. Yeah. But it's also your fault that that
(48:56):
son graduated and made his dream come true. Because it
sounds like that was one of the most important things
to him. Yes, it was. Yeah, you got to see
him graduate. Mm-hmm. And you remember him getting up every day,
being ambitious. On his own. And showing you something different
than you were able to even show yourself. Yeah. About
how to show up. Yeah. That's your fault. Two. it's
(49:21):
your fault that he graduated it's your fault that he
made his dream come true okay your other son says
your fault that he's dealing with legal trouble right now
it's also your fault that he made his dream come
true yeah It's very much your fault that he was
(49:42):
in the studio every day. He was paying for it
a little bit. Yeah. Very much your fault that he
didn't give up on what he wanted to do. Very
much your fault that he was taking care of his
kids and trying to provide a good life for them.
Indicative of how I believe he was raised by you
and your mom, his grandmother. That's your fault. Okay. Okay.
(50:08):
I will ask you today just that if you're going
to take accountability for the bad things, take accountability for
the good things too. You're strong. I know you want
to carry it all. Don't leave the good baggage and
only pick up the bad shit. Yeah, you're right. You
are so right. You got some, you got some other
(50:29):
weights over here that if you're going to carry it,
go ahead and carry it. Okay. You're right. You're right.
You're right. But I do, you know, I would, I
would hate to see you put out that book and
talk about all of, you know, these things, things that
terrible things that you've had to experience or that you
feel that you have in some way empowered or made
your kids experience without realizing those good moments. You know,
(50:55):
when I asked you about your favorite moment with your son,
you said his smile. Oh, yeah. He's always well. And
laughed and joked. I can just hear it. And it
makes me smile. Just thinking about it. Just thinking about
hearing it, you know. And God blessed me to have
(51:17):
spent three days with him before he passed. And we
had the time of our life. And everybody used to
be like, well, what are you thanking God for? Because
He is God. And God blessed me with those days
with Him before He passed. That's why I thank God.
(51:40):
You know? And I get so upset just thinking about it. Like, what? Why?
It could have been He passed away and I haven't
spoken to Him and Weeks or months or a year or,
you know. And I thank God to this day for
what he blessed me with, with the time he blessed
(52:03):
me with, with him. I live with that forever. I mean,
my husband talk about it all the time, all the time.
And how he used to be just fussing. If he
ain't fussing, he tell me what I should be doing
or need to do. Omar, you can't live inside this box.
(52:25):
You need to just get out and do this and
do that. I'm like, okay. Now I hear it. You know?
And sometimes I'll be like, okay. I'll take heed to it.
Just because he used to always say it. Always. You
want to say I need to go do this? Y'all
need to go do that. Go do something. He tried
(52:48):
to get me and my husband to go to Puerto Rico.
And I was like, no way. I'm saying, I'm not
going nowhere. No. No, he's always trying to tell me
just to go explore, you know. I'm still scared to
this day, but I'm going to do it one day. Yeah.
(53:11):
I'm going to make it my business to go out
to country. That is the answer to the question. You
have homework. You know the assignment. Yeah. The first time
you go get your toes on the beach in Puerto Rico,
please don't, please don't write this book until you do that. Yeah, man.
What a, what a blessing. Like your kids want more
(53:34):
for you. They want everything for you. Yeah. That's a
blessing just for, for your kids to love and respect
you in that way and want to see you happy
the same way that you want it to see them happy. Yeah. Yeah.
And I think you have a, responsibility I know you
like to take on responsibility you have responsibility to go
do that and make sure that if you do nothing
(53:56):
else that you find peace and happiness I think for
your kids yeah yeah you are you never stop being
their mom no ever you always have to be in
their corner you have to support them you'll never stop
being mom no but you have to be a human
being too you have to be a person you have
(54:17):
to take care of yourself I don't think they would
trade any little mistake that you think you made in
the world for you to not be here healthy and happy.
Would you agree with that? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, I agree. Ms. LaShonda,
I'm working on you. Listen, okay, because next time you
(54:41):
come to LA, I'm checking on you. We're going to
have to have a part two. I'm going to need
some healing out of you because I'm You know, I'm
in awe of you as a mom. There's so much
to learn from you. I'm proud of you as a mom.
Thank you. Your book makes me so proud of you
(55:02):
as a mom who's willing to share and open to
communication and to take accountability for some things. Some things. Okay,
we'll work on that one. But just... You know, this
level of openness is not even something that I'm used to.
(55:23):
And so I'm impressed with you. I'm proud of you.
I think you're so brave. And it was very important,
I think, that you get to speak today. Wow. For everybody,
but even just for me. And for myself. And for yourself. Yes.
Look at that. You know what that's called? Growth. Okay. Yeah,
(55:47):
because I hear it. Like, when you said, I can
hear it, you know, and I can see it differently.
Just like when you said that I have on lipstick,
that I have on eyeliner or anything. And I'm like, no.
You know? As a matter of fact, I had just
threw something on and hair was all over my head.
(56:10):
So I heard you. And I appreciate it. Some of
what you're still carrying? Mm-hmm. turns you back into that
13 year old girl and you're still thinking about it
and seeing it through her eyes and we're her capacity
and you've been through a lot more you're a grown
(56:30):
woman now and you have to be able to have
that this new perspective about right and wrong and good
and bad and yeah accountability because you're not 13 anymore
but that's what trauma is yeah trauma is Turns you
back into a child. Yes. Whatever age you experience that,
(56:51):
that is how you think about it. So true. Yes.
And when you're saying things out loud as an adult,
I think it activates something in your adult mind that says,
wait a minute. We keep it in here and keep
it up here. You're 13. Yes. Because I cut myself
off from a lot of people. I say about 95%
(57:18):
of people, like, I don't talk to nobody. I talk
to my husband and I talk to my children. And
that's it. I just cut it. I don't know why, though.
You know, I just cut everybody off. Like, it's just us.
(57:39):
It's just us. And I think that I'm going to
start to, like, get back out there, like communicating and
talking to people. Um, because only person I talk to
is my husband or my kids. And like, how far
can that conversation go? You know, like I need to
(58:03):
be around people more. I think it will help me
more and to conversate more. And maybe that would be
like a start, you know, to start from there. You know,
you don't know it yet, but you'll be back in
my chair. I'm excited for everything that you, you know,
(58:26):
that you have going on that you're building for yourself
and just the position that you're taking in your life
and using your platform to speak. You're a fantastic storyteller.
Thank you. I'm going to need you to teach me
how to write a book in three weeks, by the way,
because that is a talent and a skill. It was
always up there. Always. And I just, all I had
(58:46):
to do was just put it on paper. Yeah. Thank you.
Thank you for doing this. I really, really appreciate it.
You're welcome. And I thank you. I really do. If
you knew better with Amber Grimes, a production of the
Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows. Connect with Amber Grimes at Amber Grimes
(59:09):
on all platforms. and make sure you subscribe for future
episodes of If You Knew Better with Amber Grimes.
Welcome to If You Knew Better with Amber Grimes, a
production of the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. I
feel like everything that has happened is my fault. I
blame myself for everything that's happening. I blame myself for...
my son getting killed. And I blame myself for my
(00:27):
son being... Locked up. LaShonda, hi. Welcome to the show.
Thank you. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. I'm excited
to have you. One, because I'm becoming a mommy. Yeah.
And so I really wanted to learn from you and
just speak to you because you speak so honestly and
(00:48):
gracefully about parenting. Yes. But also one of the things
I commend about you as a mother, it's a beautiful
thing to share The life you have before kids while
with your kids here. I think a lot of the
times moms and dads, they become parents. Yes. And you
almost forget that they're humans, right? That they were humans
(01:11):
before you. They had a life before you. Yeah. Mama
had a life before you were here. And sometimes you
don't ever learn anything about your parents until either they're
not here anymore or there's just secrets that you're stuck
with and you have nobody to ask and You poured
a lot of your life, your younger life, into this book.
(01:31):
I just wanted to commend you and say I'm so
proud of you as a parent and for being brave
enough to share the things that you share in this
book because I know that wasn't easy. No, it wasn't.
I really thank you and appreciate it. As a teen mom,
we go through a lot. Now, a lot of people say, oh,
she was a teen mom or use it as an
(01:52):
excuse of, being a bad parent or not knowing how
to be a parent. But as I was growing up,
bypassing being a teen mom, when I grew older, I
seen a lot of teen moms. I'm talking about hustling
(02:13):
teen moms, like getting on a bus with their kid
with a backpack on, on their way to school versus
me using it as an excuse not to go to
school Because I got pregnant and became a teen mom.
But there's some teen moms out there that I've seen
(02:34):
that was really, really doing it. And I was like, wow,
you know, and I commend them. Like I said, it
was just getting on the bus, going to school with
the stroller, holding up the bus. You know how you
get mad? Holding up the bus like, oh, come on.
She got the stroller with the baby, but she was
hustling maybe and getting on to school, dropping her baby
off to the babysitter. and on her way to school.
(02:55):
So I commend moms like that, teen moms like that.
Is that something that, I don't prefer the word regret
at all, but something that kind of plagues you thinking,
you know, should you have stayed in school? Are there
things you should have tried to do instead of pouring
your all into being a teen mom? I would change
(03:15):
a lot of things. I wouldn't change being a parent,
a teen parent. I love my kids. We grew together,
you know. And as I was getting older, I was
still learning. Even though my mom was always there, like,
in my ear of do this, do that, don't do this,
(03:35):
don't do that. And it went in this ear and
it came out the other. But as I got older,
I realized, like, wow, she was teaching me, you know,
and I didn't take heed to that. And it's okay
because you have a lot of people that's like that.
And it's okay. But I learned a lot from it.
Do you have more understanding for your kids as you
(03:57):
are raising them? Yeah. Knowing that you weren't listening either
to your mom. They never listen. And I look at
them like, then I have to look at myself like, well, Shonda,
you didn't listen. So, of course, it's just going to
be like a replay. I think kids always think they know,
you know. And when you listen to the things your
(04:20):
mom tell you, you're like, oh, my God. lady be
quiet I got this and you think about it as
I got older I thought about it I'm like dang
she was telling me and I wasn't listening and now
that I listen and I just thank her I just
thank my mom for everything that she said I thank
(04:43):
my grandma too my grandma laughed I'm getting off track
but my grandma laughed so we laughed so hard together
um I was in high school and she was like, well,
what you going to be? And I said, well, I
want to be a doctor or a lawyer. You know,
that's not what everybody says. And she just started cracking
up so hard. I'm like, what's up? And I'm like,
(05:04):
a doctor or a lawyer. She was like, that's what
everybody say. You know, you telling me something that I
want to hear. She was like, like, what do you
want to be? Like, seriously, what do you want to be?
And I never knew. Honestly, I never knew what I
wanted to be. But as I got older and my
kids got older. They always knew what they wanted. It
(05:25):
was just me. I never knew what I wanted to be.
You felt like they always knew or they were ambitious.
What part did you play in that though? Because they're
in the house with you so they had to get
some of that ambition from mom. I think it was
more so of my mom. We was in the house
with my mom so my mom and my brother was
basically raising them. They always knew And Dirk always knew
(05:51):
what he wanted to be. And I'm like, what else
do you want besides a rapper? And he said he
wanted to play ball. And he did. And then I
guess he let people in his ear, oh, you're too short,
you won't make it in the NBA. So he focused
more so on his music. And that's what he did.
(06:15):
And he worked hard at his craft, very hard. on
his own, by himself, him and his brother. I supported
him 100%. If he said this is what he wanted
to do, then I supported him. I gave him what
he needed, like money for his studio time. And he
(06:37):
always asked me, I always say it in all my interviews,
for the studio time, I guess it was $ 50. I
had 40, never had 50. I had 45. I had 30.
I never, ever had $ 50 to give him. And we
talk about it to this day and we laugh about it.
And he say, now look now, ma. And I'm just
(06:59):
so proud of him. How did you nurture all your kids' differences? Because,
you know, they say you can have a, you can
grow up with a brother or sister and everybody kind
of has a different life. Everybody has a different experience
in the house. How did you I guess create understanding
for all of your kids, different personalities, dreams, goals, things
that they were doing in school, like in school or not,
(07:21):
you know, how did you, how did you do that?
I handled them individually. Okay. Um, of course all of
them was different. Um, my son, um, that has D thing,
he was more ambition. Oh man, he loves school. Like
majority of the kids, my kids, I had to wake
(07:44):
him up and come on, get up, and it's time
to go. But D-Thing, no. He knew that he had
to get up and go to school, you know, like
versus my other kids, like five more minutes, ten more minutes,
you know. D-Thing was out the door, honey. He loved school.
He knew what he wanted. And when he finished school,
(08:08):
like everybody was so proud of him. Everybody was proud.
He was so proud of himself. You know, because he
accomplished something on his own. And that's your oldest? Oldest son, yeah.
How was your connection with him just different, knowing that
he'd been growing up with you since you were 17
years old? We butt heads a lot. He was the
(08:33):
type of kid that knew everything, I would say. He
knew everything. You couldn't tell him nothing. He already had
everything all figured out. He will listen to you and
take your advice or whatever, but he had everything figured
out and mapped out and just ready to go. You
couldn't tell him nothing about what he wanted or how
(08:56):
to do it to get it. He knew it. What's
your favorite memory of him? His smile. Yeah, his smile.
Just like Dirk. Million dollar smile. And what I wouldn't
give to Have an argument with him. We used to
butt heads all the time. I'm telling him not to
(09:17):
do this. Or he shouldn't do that. Even though he's
grown or whatever. But as a mom you're still going to.
Be in his ear about. What he shouldn't do. What
he should do. Focus on this. Don't focus on that.
And they'll listen. But they don't listen. Like I did.
(09:37):
One ear one out the other. But he kind of.
He listens to you, voices his opinion, and then go
do whatever he's going to do, regardless of what you're
talking about. That's a really beautiful thing for you to
have gratitude for all the moments, right? Even the ones
that weren't so good. How do you deal with that
(09:57):
as a parent, the loss of a child? You don't.
You don't deal with it. I'm in the phase now
of trying to manage it. But for right now, there's
no such thing of getting over it. There's no such
thing of dealing with it. It's a constant, like, ache
(10:19):
in your heart and I don't know like I'm at
the point where I'm confused I'm hurt I'm depressed um
it's unbelievable I still wake up and be like like
is this real um I don't know how to deal
(10:43):
with it um right now and it's been five years
And it's like yesterday. And I don't know how to
deal with it. And going through something like that as
a mom, you know, your job is to be there
for everybody else. Yeah. Because they lost a brother and
(11:03):
they lost a grandson. Who takes care of mom. Yeah.
And I feel like I wouldn't want to put the
pressure on, like, my husband. I don't put the pressure
on my kids. Yeah. I'd rather, like, keep it to
myself and my husband fuss all the time. Like, that's
what I'm here for. I know what you're going through.
(11:23):
Let's talk about it. And most of the time, I
just close myself off and be like, no, I'm okay. No,
I'm not okay. I cry every day until to this day.
And what I do is I cry in the shower,
whereas nobody know, you know what I'm saying, that I
didn't cry because my face is wet and, you know.
(11:47):
And then at nighttime, I just wait until, you know,
the lights are off, and I cry then. And a
lot of people tell me, oh, you need to go
see a therapist. For me, therapists work for a lot
of people. I'm not knocking them at all. But for me,
if you haven't lost a child, you can't help me.
(12:07):
That's my mindset. Like, that's how I feel. You can't
help me because you don't know what I'm going through.
Is there a community of moms who do understand or
just anybody that you felt safe to speak about that with?
Or is it just... It probably is. And I'm working
(12:29):
towards something like that. Because the moms will be the
only people that could... I wouldn't say help me, but
we can compare our pain or what we go through with...
How do we go about managing our pain? I tell
a lot of people like I have an eating disorder
and people don't believe me. And when I tell you
(12:51):
I eat to comfort my pain and people laugh like, no,
you look good and da, da, da. I'm like, no,
trust me. I eat. And I try to eat my
pain away. It's a comfort for me. It's a comfort.
(13:11):
How do we Now that I have this addiction, how
do I manage that? So it's one problem after another.
And at my age, I'm not supposed to eat Flamin'
Hots with pickles all day. Noodles with the little Bodak sauce.
(13:36):
I'm not supposed to have that. You know what I'm saying?
And I'm not talking about one or two packs. I'm
talking about three and four. Knowing it's not right, you know.
So I'm going through and dealing with a lot. So
at one point, I'm going to get it together and
(13:56):
try to manage it and fix it. I know that
you went through moments that you didn't understand as a
younger girl, crying in your room and not really being
able to tell anybody why or understanding why you felt sad.
Does that take you back there at all? Yeah. Yeah.
It stems from that. Like, I never knew what depression was.
(14:20):
And I never said anything. Like, crying for no reason.
Not knowing why I'm sad. Like, why? And then after
I had D-things, I think it got a little worse.
Cried all the time with my baby. And I never
(14:43):
said anything to my mom. But my mom will always
ask me, like, are you okay? You good? And I'm like, yeah,
I'm happy. And, you know, I always let people know, like,
that I'm happy. But on the inside, I'm just telling
them something just to, you know, let them know that
I'm okay so they won't keep asking me the same
(15:04):
thing over and over again. But I'm not. And what
have you learned about depression now, if enough, to... to
try to manage it better than you did when you
were 13, 14 years old. So I was, I've been depressed.
So I'll wait till my husband go to work. Um,
(15:27):
cause he'll come home and be like, um, you've been
out the bed. Um, have you eaten anything? Have you
gotten a shower? Whatever. So, uh, one time I didn't
shower for a long time. And he came in, he
was like, well, what is the smell, you know? And
it was me. So when he said something, I'm like, damn,
(15:52):
is it that bad? And he was like, yeah. So
I had started from there to like try to make
myself get up and like, okay, get in the shower.
So I started that to get in the shower, like, okay,
get in the shower, look in the mirror, tell yourself
you're okay. every day, just to try to boost yourself up.
(16:20):
And I started it and then everything was going fine.
And then after a while, I'm like back down, you know,
couldn't wait till nighttime come so I could be in
the dark with the cover over my face. Couldn't wait
till my husband go to sleep because he know if
I'm crying or not. So I'm like, oh my God,
go to sleep. So when he go to sleep, I
(16:41):
can just ball out and just until I just fall
asleep or until I just get tired. I love that
he does that because a lot of it is just,
you know, finding some type of routine that you can
attach to and make yourself feel normal and like you're
having a good day. I have dealt with depression before
(17:02):
and in the same way of it's like, man, I
don't know why I don't feel like doing anything today,
but I'm about to watch Desperate Housewives. There's a lot
of seasons of that. It'll take you right through, you know?
And I don't, I think people don't, don't really understand
what depression, people don't understand what depression feels like, but
(17:24):
absolutely don't always know what depression looks like. And you think,
you know, you're here today. You absolutely smelling good, looking
good and all of the things, by the way, you know,
so for your husband to be able to pick up
on these irregularities that you're having, it's such a beautiful thing, but,
is your depression different? You feel like after suffering a
(17:45):
loss and it's like, it's something that's building up or
does it feel the same as the type of depression
that was making you cry when you were 14? I
feel like we don't always talk about the depth of
it and how it can, depression can be new. You
talked about being 17. We didn't talk about postpartum depression.
That was a whole different version that you were probably
(18:05):
dealing with and nobody was talking to you and you
weren't saying anything. Um, What have those layers of depression
felt like for you? I think the time before D-Thing,
I don't know where it come from. I just know
and I remember crying all the time for no reason.
(18:26):
So when I had D-Thing, I was like crying even more,
but I knew to hide it more than as a kid.
I know it sounds crazy, but As a kid, of course,
you're going to have it. You can have it a
little bit. But as you get older, you can have
it way more, way more. And I think that's what
(18:48):
I did. I hid it way more. I get people
thinking I was okay and I was happy about it.
I think it got worse once I had my baby, yeah.
It definitely got worse. I was at the point like, okay,
what am I going to do? Now you want to
do everything in the world. after you have your baby,
(19:10):
knowing you could have did it prior. Oh, now I
want to go work. I want to do this. I
want to finish school. I want to go this. Now
I'm like, now I can't do it because I have
my baby. Now I have to wait until my baby
get this age to do it. It was just so much.
And it was just piling on and stacking and stacking
and stacking. Because at that time, I'm like, okay, I
(19:31):
want to do this. I want to do that. Oh,
but Shauna, you didn't want to do that before then.
But now you want to do it after you have
the baby. And now that you have a baby and
you're mad, you're thinking, okay, I can't do nothing. But
it was so many resources. Like my mom, when I
say my mom had my back, I don't know what
I would've did. without my mom and my brother. Man,
(19:54):
when you say a village, that was my village right there. Yeah.
My mom was everything. My mom took care of my kids,
fed my kids. And at some point, I was like, okay.
Of course we all in the same house. Okay, I'm
going to go outside and go do that. Oh, I'm
(20:16):
partying and going here and going there. I was like,
wait a minute. When I babysit, you're going to either
go to school or you're going to work. I'm not
here to be babysitting as you in the street partying
or whatever, doing whatever you want to do. She said,
it don't work like that, honey. And then I had
(20:37):
to regroup again. Bam, there go another baby. I'm like, oh,
my God. I was just defeated then. Like, dang. You
were hard on yourself. Yeah. Why is that? Because I
knew I could have did better. I had my resource,
my mom, in my ear telling me, you need to
(20:59):
do this. When I had my first baby. You need
to do this. You need to figure out what you're
going to do. You have a baby now. You got
to raise your baby. And you can't raise your baby
off no restaurant job. So you need to go to school,
get your career, and get it going so that you
(21:22):
can raise your baby and get him out the neighborhood
at that time. Oh, I had plenty of time, ma,
in my head, you know. Plenty of time. I ain't
had that much time. Because, bam, there go another one.
And then there go another excuse. Were you taking into
(21:43):
account some of the things that you had to deal
with younger? You're very hard on yourself, but some of
the things that you experienced weren't normal for a young
girl to experience. No. I went through a lot. Like
(22:03):
the guy I talk about in my book with the
sexual assault. Like I blamed myself for a long time
for that because my mom, I think my mom was
the oldest mom out of all the girls I hung with.
I think she was the oldest. Yeah, she was the oldest.
So she was more so on my butt about everything.
(22:27):
And I couldn't wear certain clothes. Like I wanted to,
you know, when you go to the party, you just
want to put on your makeup and whatever, whatever. So
I go to my friend's house, change my clothes, and
put my makeup on or whatever. And when it happened,
I felt like it was my fault because I shouldn't
(22:48):
have did that. Did I attract him to me with
the short shorts I had on and the lipstick I
had on and the eyeliner I wanted to wear so bad?
Did I trigger him? You know, and I blame myself.
(23:08):
A long time for that. A long time. Have you
reconciled with that, that that was not your fault at all?
And a grown man needs to know how to control
himself and be an adult, no matter what someone's wearing
(23:30):
or doing or saying, that that's not your fault at all? No,
I haven't dealt with that yet. No. No, not yet.
I mean, I'll work towards it, you know, to say, no,
(23:50):
it wasn't your fault. No, but I haven't dealt with
that yet. Yeah. I hear you, you know, I love
accountability more than anybody, but you've you're not responsible for
taking accountability for, for everything. And it's possible that things
(24:13):
happen to you that are out of your control. And,
you know, I'm, I'm just listening to you, but you're,
as a young girl, you're not accountable for someone not
being able to control themselves, especially someone older than you.
They're taking advantage of you. Um, you know, and that,
that makes me sad to, to hear, um, But that
(24:37):
is not your fault and that is not normal. So
you said, okay, so you said like, if I had
on regular clothes with no makeup that I had on,
would he still would have did what he did or
he wouldn't did what he did? I'm saying that there's
(25:04):
no type of, clothes, makeup, lack thereof that you could
have or have not been wearing that makes it okay
for a grown man to take advantage of a young girl,
especially someone that you trusted and someone who has the
trust of others. And I'm saying that is not your fault. Yeah.
(25:29):
That is not your fault. You know what's the most
normal thing? Young girls going into the bathroom and changing
their clothes because their mom didn't want them to wear shorts. Okay. Okay?
Because I was the queen of changing in the school bathroom. Okay? Okay.
You know what's normal? Young girls sneaking eyeliner. Yeah. And
putting it on and coming with the raccoon eyes because
(25:50):
we know we weren't supposed to have it on. Right? Right.
This is normal. Me and you were laughing about this.
We've had the same childhood. We all wanted to be,
you know, little, we wanted to be cute. The over-sexualization
of Black girls, young Black girls is not normal. Okay.
That's not our fault. Okay. That's not your fault. Okay.
(26:17):
And I try to sometimes, like, put that in my mind, like... Like, no,
it's not your fault. And sometimes I be okay with it.
But then sometimes I think about it like the shorts.
It was the shorts. And then I'm like, no, it
(26:39):
wasn't the shorts. It was the lipstick and the eyeliner
that made him think that I was older. So I
play it back in my head. And then sometimes I
just leave it alone. Like, okay, whatever. And see, that's
the part, too. People deal with sexual assault at all ages,
(27:00):
you know, from people that they trust, from people. You
can be sexually assaulted by someone you live with, by
a spouse. Even if he thought you were older, did
you give him permission to touch you? No. No. I
thought he was cool because he's the choir director. The
choir director. And I never, ever said anything like, who's
(27:23):
going to believe me? Because you snuck and changed your clothes.
Who going to believe me? Oh, he's in the church.
Who's going to believe me? You know, so I just
kept it to myself until I wrote my book and
just wrote about it and thought that it would, it
(27:44):
did help me a little bit, but in my mind
it's still my fault. I think that's the power of
Saying it out loud, no matter how long it takes, right?
Because it's not your fault either that it took this
long for you to feel confident enough or brave enough
to say something or to write about it. Yeah. That's okay.
In this lifetime, you got around to sharing it. Yes,
(28:05):
I did. And I think saying it out loud, which
is why people who do things like this don't want
you to, because there's going to be somebody to tell you, hey,
that's not okay. I think a lot of people who
experience this are always... more concerned about all the people
who won't believe them and think very little about the
(28:26):
person who's going to say, who did what? That's not okay.
That's not normal and straight to jail, sir. And that's
why so much of this goes unsaid because the minute
you hear someone say, you know, you're lying, you're done. Yeah. Yeah.
But to a young girl right now who's experienced what
you've experienced, What would you say to her? Would your
(28:48):
advice be to speak up or to deal with this
for decades? Open your mouth. Tell someone. Tell a friend.
Tell a sister. Tell a cousin, brother, a mother, a grandma.
Tell someone until someone believes you. Don't just stop. I
(29:09):
spoke at a couple of high schools, and the young
women there was going through the same thing. And it
was a conversation. Oh, I didn't say nothing to my
mom because it was such and such. I don't want
to say it. It was such and such. And I was, like, flabbergasted. Like, what?
(29:31):
And I was like, well, you never say anything. Well,
my mom said, no, he wouldn't do nothing like that.
So I'm saying nothing. that to say this if mom
don't believe you go to the next person to the
next person to the next person until somebody's like really
okay I'm gonna ask this person or let's go to
(29:53):
the police station or let's do something let's take action
I would tell I would Tell everyone just to speak up.
Open your mouth. Regardless if this person don't believe you,
go to the next. So forth and so on. Until
someone believes you. And you know, the weight carrying that
(30:15):
on your own for years and years and years is heavy. Yeah.
And you talk about Being sad and not understanding why
you're sad, that type of stuff just creeps up into
the back of your mind and gives you all types
of negative thoughts. Like you said, thoughts of you blaming
(30:36):
yourself and saying, well, how could I have changed it?
What could I have done differently? And it's not fair
to you. And I think people underestimate how long something
like that can live with you. It's the same thing
you said about your son. That's five years ago. That
feels like yesterday. It's not. That's not something you just
get over. Yeah, it's a lot to deal with. The
(31:00):
young women that I spoke to, what I went through
was nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the things that I
heard from them. Absolutely nothing. It wasn't even on the
same scale. But yet, they were still in school. trying
(31:22):
to get out, as they told me. Once I graduate
and do this, I'm going to college just to get away.
I'm going to the service just to get away. I'm
going here, I'm going there. I'm talking about it was
nothing that I went through compared to, it was nothing
for me, you know, compared to them. It was disgusting. Disgusting. Hurtful.
(31:50):
To just hear it. but yet they fighting through it
to get out. And they have more examples now. There's
more language for a lot of things. When you were
13 and 14, it was things people didn't talk about.
You didn't even have the language for depression. The kids
are making TikToks and stuff about having anxiety and what
(32:13):
that feels like. You didn't have that. And so I
appreciate that. It may be That they have the space,
the space that even you're creating to speak about it. Yeah.
But I also want you today to give yourself some
grace because you didn't have access to the same resources. Yeah.
At all. No. No. You're going to leave here lightened
(32:35):
up on LaShonda. Yes. Because she's doing her best. Yes.
And she's been doing her best for a long time
and not giving herself enough credit for it is what
I'm hearing. Yeah. in this conversation. We ain't doing that today.
Not today. Not today. And not tomorrow, too. I'm going
to tell your people to check you. I got you.
Dealing with, still dealing with a lot of that stuff.
(33:00):
Does that trauma help you show up differently as a
parent now and protect your kids in a different way?
Because you know what it feels to not feel safe
or to not have anybody to talk to or just
to be confused and young. How do you show up
for your kids now? I try to show up the
(33:23):
best I can. You know, now with different situations that's
going on, I try to blank out my pain and, like,
be there for them and be strong for them. It's
still kind of hard. I feel like everything that has
(33:46):
happened is my fault. I blame myself for everything that's happening.
I blame myself for my son getting killed. And I
blame myself for my son being locked up. Because I
(34:09):
felt like... Well, not felt. I know for a fact
this pop-up. Because if I will listen to my mom
then on what to do and how to do it,
how to move, how to go finish school, how to
get your career going so that you can get about
(34:31):
the neighborhood that we're living in, which is 7220. And
I kept putting it off like, oh, I got plenty
of time to do that. Oh, I can go to
school later, you know. Oh, I can do this. I
just kept putting it off, you know. And if I
(34:53):
would have listened like I was supposed to, we would
have been somewhere totally different. They would have been raised different.
And I felt like everything would have been better. So
I take accountability. for everything. And it's my fault. This
(35:14):
is nothing that you could tell me. It's nothing that
they done told me. Um, it's nothing. Because I know
for a fact that I could have did better. And
I didn't. So, yes, I failed them. And, right now,
(35:36):
I'm just going through the motions right now. Um, to
try to get everything back on track. Do you believe
there's still time for you to do that? Yes. Yep.
It's never too late. Never too late. And not saying
that I'm just now starting. I've been started. Yeah. You know,
(36:00):
I've been asked my children for forgiveness. And they like,
for what? What did you do? Why you, you know,
You did the best that you could. And I'm like, no,
I didn't. They think the world of me. And I
never understood why. Think the world. And that makes me
(36:28):
smile so hard. Like, what? And if I asked them
last year or if I asked them this year, it's
still the same thing. But I still did it. I
asked for forgiveness. And he said, okay, well, we forgive
you for whatever the reason is, you know. And I'm
(36:51):
just taking that one day at a time. You know,
I believe in the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit,
Jesus Christ himself. That's who I believe in. And that's
my go-to. How did writing this book, 7220, uh, Did
it release any of this pressure? Was it just a
(37:14):
tool for you to get something out? Have you forgiven
yourself any as you look back at what you wrote
and went through this process? When I wrote that book,
let me tell you, it took me every bit of
maybe two to three weeks to write that book. And
I tell people that all the time, like, what, two
to three weeks? I promise you, everything was always here.
(37:38):
All I needed to do was just write it. And
I was writing and writing and writing and it didn't
take me no time to just finish it. It helped
at that moment, I think. Yeah, just at that moment.
And I still, I'm still dealing with, you know, the
sexual assault. The attempted rape was something totally different. You know,
(38:04):
and I fought and I fought and I fought and
it some point I was just going to give up.
When was this? Um, I think I was 17, 17
or 18. Yeah. And it was in, um, my very
(38:29):
first apartment that I moved out from my mom. And
we was just so excited. Me and my, um, best friend, Chris,
we had got our, um, first apartment and whatever and
everything was going and the money was coming in and
that person needed something so I'm like okay is Chris
(38:54):
over there and they was like no Chris ain't over
there so I had to walk over to that because
I wasn't at home and once we got there that
person immediately attack me. He needed me. And when I
say I fought, I fought. Of course, that person is stronger, right?
(39:20):
So I'm fighting, I'm fighting. So I'm one hand and
then the other hand, I'm bamming, I'm kicking on the
floor because I know that person is always at home.
Or if she wasn't at home, her mom was at home,
somebody was at home at all times. So I'm holding,
and I'm knocking, and I'm kicking, and I'm just fighting
(39:45):
and fighting. At one point, I'm like, this day, she
wouldn't be at home. And she came upstairs, and she
knocked on the door, banging on the door. And that
person stopped. He opened the door. She was there, and
he just left out like nothing happened. And she stood
(40:07):
there and was like, you okay? And I told her yes,
and she closed the door. And I locked the door.
And I didn't leave out the door immediately because I
was scared. So I waited and waited and waited. And
it wasn't even nighttime. So it was daytime. I'm like, man,
(40:34):
where is she? You know, she's at home all the time.
And I waited and waited and waited. And I finally
just left out. And she never ever said anything to me.
She never brought it up to me. She never asked
what happened. Nothing. And I just always just kept it,
(40:54):
you know, to myself. Can I ask you a question? Mm-hmm.
You have pants on? Yes. What color was your lipstick?
I didn't have a lipstick. Oh. Okay. That wasn't your
(41:14):
fault either? No. You got me on that one. Okay.
I hope that can help heal something in you younger
that says it has nothing to do with me. There's
(41:35):
just evil in the world. Yeah. There's just evil in
the world. And evil is not attracted to a certain
kind of metal stick. No. I guess you're right. Knowledge
you put in that way Okay, I see. Wow. Okay.
You are carrying so much. Yeah. That's tiring. You are
(42:08):
carrying it without being asked. You are carrying it even
after having been forgiven. Yeah. And hearing, Mom, you're crazy.
We love you. What are you talking about? Well, how
can we put some of it down? It's so hard
(42:31):
for me to put it down. It's so hard. How?
That is a good question. How? Like, what is my
first step on letting it go? Or which one should
I let go first? You have been strong. You have
(42:56):
done the best that you could do. My therapist tells
me all the time, but, you know, I'm going in
there complaining about my parents and my life and saying,
it's okay, just because your parents did the best they
could do, that doesn't mean it was the best. Okay? Okay. Okay.
It's okay for it to have not been the best.
(43:18):
Who was measuring it? Yeah. Okay. I know that you're
working on another book. Yeah. More about parenting. Yes. And
I really, I'm glad that we get to have this
(43:39):
conversation because I just like, I don't think you know
how unaccountable some parents can be. Wow. And how much
responsibility they don't take for how they raised you and
what that best looked like. And even just communicating. If
(44:01):
your kids forgave you for something, that means you were
talking to them. Yeah. And you're open with your kids.
You're sharing with your kids. You've chose to share with
the world. Yes. Yep. Even though I don't care what
the world thinks or says. I want to make that clear.
I would never, ever care about what nobody think or
(44:24):
say about me. Never have and never will. The only
thing that I'm concerned about is my kids or my
husband or what he thinks or, you know, and making
sure that they're okay with decisions I made um we
(44:50):
had that conversation but only thing that puzzled me is
like when they say oh we forgive you for whatever
like they don't know or they just don't want to
tell me or I don't know like we went through
the struggle together like and they just like oh no
(45:13):
you did the best you can mom you know what No,
I didn't. No. Can I try to explain? The way
kids remember their childhood, especially if it's contentious with a parent,
there'll be something that happened to us when we were
like eight years old and we're like, this was the
(45:35):
worst thing ever. And this shaped my whole life. And
you maybe ask your mom about it and she'd be like,
what the hell are you talking about? I didn't never
tell you you could sing. That is not what I said.
But for you, it's this big thing. And it fuels you.
Or for some people, it helps them continue to make excuses.
(45:57):
And your parents don't even remember. They're like, I don't
remember I said that shit. I just didn't have no
McDonald's money that year. I feel that you are taking
some things from when you were younger and holding on
to them and thinking that your kids held on to
them or they shaped them in a way And they're saying, mom,
it didn't. This was a big deal to you, mom.
(46:21):
I don't remember that. I was outside playing. Okay. Wow. That,
you know, you guys have to find that middle ground
that it doesn't invalidate your experience. If you remember it
and it was powerful to you, that is your experience.
But like you say, you have multiple children with different
(46:42):
personalities and all different perspectives and everything that maybe hurt
you or the way that you saw it as an adult,
they might have just been in the backseat. They was like,
what are you talking about? You did something right. If
your kids are telling you, if your kids are giving
you forgiveness, radical forgiveness. They say, I don't know what
(47:05):
this lady's talking about, but I forgive you, lady, please.
They recognize that you did your best. And they're still
here for you. And you're still here for them. Yes.
There's a whole other side to this parenting thing that
is really bad, LaShawn. I don't know about it. Oh, yes.
Now that you say it, I think you should be
(47:26):
a therapist. If I could go back to school, I'd
drop out too. Everything happens for a reason. Yeah, I
believe in that. You are still here today, sitting with me,
here able to support your son. Yes. Able to put
out a book. I think that there's a little more
(47:49):
credit that you need to give yourself for having done,
you did a good job. Okay. Okay. I'll try to
make myself believe it. I don't think, if I would
have done a good job, I wouldn't have a son
(48:10):
in a grave and I wouldn't have a son fighting
for his life. That's what is, like, eating at me. Like,
I've already taken accountability for it. I just have to, like,
I don't know, like, put it in my mind, like, okay,
(48:32):
it's your fault. Let's change things. Let's do something different. Okay,
we know it's your fault. Let's start something new. If
both things could be true, Just from what I've learned
from you today, you say it's your fault that your
son passed. Yeah. But it's also your fault that that
(48:56):
son graduated and made his dream come true. Because it
sounds like that was one of the most important things
to him. Yes, it was. Yeah, you got to see
him graduate. Mm-hmm. And you remember him getting up every day,
being ambitious. On his own. And showing you something different
than you were able to even show yourself. Yeah. About
how to show up. Yeah. That's your fault. Two. it's
(49:21):
your fault that he graduated it's your fault that he
made his dream come true okay your other son says
your fault that he's dealing with legal trouble right now
it's also your fault that he made his dream come
true yeah It's very much your fault that he was
(49:42):
in the studio every day. He was paying for it
a little bit. Yeah. Very much your fault that he
didn't give up on what he wanted to do. Very
much your fault that he was taking care of his
kids and trying to provide a good life for them.
Indicative of how I believe he was raised by you
and your mom, his grandmother. That's your fault. Okay. Okay.
(50:08):
I will ask you today just that if you're going
to take accountability for the bad things, take accountability for
the good things too. You're strong. I know you want
to carry it all. Don't leave the good baggage and
only pick up the bad shit. Yeah, you're right. You
are so right. You got some, you got some other
(50:29):
weights over here that if you're going to carry it,
go ahead and carry it. Okay. You're right. You're right.
You're right. But I do, you know, I would, I
would hate to see you put out that book and
talk about all of, you know, these things, things that
terrible things that you've had to experience or that you
feel that you have in some way empowered or made
your kids experience without realizing those good moments. You know,
(50:55):
when I asked you about your favorite moment with your son,
you said his smile. Oh, yeah. He's always well. And
laughed and joked. I can just hear it. And it
makes me smile. Just thinking about it. Just thinking about
hearing it, you know. And God blessed me to have
(51:17):
spent three days with him before he passed. And we
had the time of our life. And everybody used to
be like, well, what are you thanking God for? Because
He is God. And God blessed me with those days
with Him before He passed. That's why I thank God.
(51:40):
You know? And I get so upset just thinking about it. Like, what? Why?
It could have been He passed away and I haven't
spoken to Him and Weeks or months or a year or,
you know. And I thank God to this day for
what he blessed me with, with the time he blessed
(52:03):
me with, with him. I live with that forever. I mean,
my husband talk about it all the time, all the time.
And how he used to be just fussing. If he
ain't fussing, he tell me what I should be doing
or need to do. Omar, you can't live inside this box.
(52:25):
You need to just get out and do this and
do that. I'm like, okay. Now I hear it. You know?
And sometimes I'll be like, okay. I'll take heed to it.
Just because he used to always say it. Always. You
want to say I need to go do this? Y'all
need to go do that. Go do something. He tried
(52:48):
to get me and my husband to go to Puerto Rico.
And I was like, no way. I'm saying, I'm not
going nowhere. No. No, he's always trying to tell me
just to go explore, you know. I'm still scared to
this day, but I'm going to do it one day. Yeah.
(53:11):
I'm going to make it my business to go out
to country. That is the answer to the question. You
have homework. You know the assignment. Yeah. The first time
you go get your toes on the beach in Puerto Rico,
please don't, please don't write this book until you do that. Yeah, man.
What a, what a blessing. Like your kids want more
(53:34):
for you. They want everything for you. Yeah. That's a
blessing just for, for your kids to love and respect
you in that way and want to see you happy
the same way that you want it to see them happy. Yeah. Yeah.
And I think you have a, responsibility I know you
like to take on responsibility you have responsibility to go
do that and make sure that if you do nothing
(53:56):
else that you find peace and happiness I think for
your kids yeah yeah you are you never stop being
their mom no ever you always have to be in
their corner you have to support them you'll never stop
being mom no but you have to be a human
being too you have to be a person you have
(54:17):
to take care of yourself I don't think they would
trade any little mistake that you think you made in
the world for you to not be here healthy and happy.
Would you agree with that? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, I agree. Ms. LaShonda,
I'm working on you. Listen, okay, because next time you
(54:41):
come to LA, I'm checking on you. We're going to
have to have a part two. I'm going to need
some healing out of you because I'm You know, I'm
in awe of you as a mom. There's so much
to learn from you. I'm proud of you as a mom.
Thank you. Your book makes me so proud of you
(55:02):
as a mom who's willing to share and open to
communication and to take accountability for some things. Some things. Okay,
we'll work on that one. But just... You know, this
level of openness is not even something that I'm used to.
(55:23):
And so I'm impressed with you. I'm proud of you.
I think you're so brave. And it was very important,
I think, that you get to speak today. Wow. For everybody,
but even just for me. And for myself. And for yourself. Yes.
Look at that. You know what that's called? Growth. Okay. Yeah,
(55:47):
because I hear it. Like, when you said, I can
hear it, you know, and I can see it differently.
Just like when you said that I have on lipstick,
that I have on eyeliner or anything. And I'm like, no.
You know? As a matter of fact, I had just
threw something on and hair was all over my head.
(56:10):
So I heard you. And I appreciate it. Some of
what you're still carrying? Mm-hmm. turns you back into that
13 year old girl and you're still thinking about it
and seeing it through her eyes and we're her capacity
and you've been through a lot more you're a grown
(56:30):
woman now and you have to be able to have
that this new perspective about right and wrong and good
and bad and yeah accountability because you're not 13 anymore
but that's what trauma is yeah trauma is Turns you
back into a child. Yes. Whatever age you experience that,
(56:51):
that is how you think about it. So true. Yes.
And when you're saying things out loud as an adult,
I think it activates something in your adult mind that says,
wait a minute. We keep it in here and keep
it up here. You're 13. Yes. Because I cut myself
off from a lot of people. I say about 95%
(57:18):
of people, like, I don't talk to nobody. I talk
to my husband and I talk to my children. And
that's it. I just cut it. I don't know why, though.
You know, I just cut everybody off. Like, it's just us.
(57:39):
It's just us. And I think that I'm going to
start to, like, get back out there, like communicating and
talking to people. Um, because only person I talk to
is my husband or my kids. And like, how far
can that conversation go? You know, like I need to
(58:03):
be around people more. I think it will help me
more and to conversate more. And maybe that would be
like a start, you know, to start from there. You know,
you don't know it yet, but you'll be back in
my chair. I'm excited for everything that you, you know,
(58:26):
that you have going on that you're building for yourself
and just the position that you're taking in your life
and using your platform to speak. You're a fantastic storyteller.
Thank you. I'm going to need you to teach me
how to write a book in three weeks, by the way,
because that is a talent and a skill. It was
always up there. Always. And I just, all I had
(58:46):
to do was just put it on paper. Yeah. Thank you.
Thank you for doing this. I really, really appreciate it.
You're welcome. And I thank you. I really do. If
you knew better with Amber Grimes, a production of the
Black Effect Podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
your favorite shows. Connect with Amber Grimes at Amber Grimes
(59:09):
on all platforms. and make sure you subscribe for future
episodes of If You Knew Better with Amber Grimes.
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