Today on The Breakfast Club, Iyanla Vanzant Talks New Book 'Spiritual Hygiene', The Inside Fix, Leadership, Accountability. Listen For More!
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the Breakfast Club.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
All Done Morning, everybody is dj n V, Jess Hilarious,
Charlamagne the God. We are the Breakfast Club. Laura La
Rosa is here as well, and we got a special
guest in the building, the Legend.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Welcome back. I am blessed.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
How you I'm doing amazing.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
All of this young energy. I'll take it on it.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
I was born in nineteen seventy eight. If I'm young,
do you thank you?
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Seventy eight? I got abroad it, I bought seven.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
You never stopped working.
Speaker 4 (01:36):
No, you're here today because you got a new show,
The Inside Fix. But you just put out a book
Spiritual Hygiene and December.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Why can't you ever keep still well?
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Because I don't want to grow roots, want to grow roots?
You know, roots are not not helpful. God, it's good,
you know, don't We need it?
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Absolutely?
Speaker 3 (01:55):
We need the work, so we need the energy. So
I'm out here. I'm out here. I could be on
the poll, but this is so much more beneficial.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Let's see the first episode hilarious.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
So for people that don't know, it's almost like, where
are they now?
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Where are we now? Not them? Yes, where are we now?
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Break down the show?
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Yeah. What I did was we went back into some
of our highest rated shows with the most of them, huh,
the most I know. I'm a mean machine. And we
looked at those shows for issues that are going on today,
because the way we deal with stuff today is very
different than we did twelve years ago. Twelve years ago,
(02:42):
these six women had a problem and they pulled their
their copy down off the internet. Today, you know, that
would be ig I T Facebook, they would be canceled,
and so how we deal with it today? But the
issue of breakdown among women is just as prevalent today
(03:04):
as it was back then. So how do we deal
with that? How do we address that? So that's what
we're doing. We're going back into the shows and looking
at how to take those issues and apply them.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
I love how you did it.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
Why did you find that more appealing than revisiting I mean,
why did you decide to revisit older stories instead of
helping new families?
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Because I'm old, I'm old and season, you know, because
we just keep reinventing stuff and we don't even really
get all the juice out of what we got. We
didn't get all the juice out of fix my life.
That's why we can go back in and do it
(03:42):
again today. The things that are applicable back then, I
did shows with mothers and daughters, and now you have
mothers divorcing or daughters divorcing, mothers, children not speaking to parents.
That wasn't going on back then. So yeah, and also
to let people know that sometimes you don't even know
(04:06):
what you're looking at, because people looked at that and
got into the characters and the people, but they were
looking at a whole nother thing, just like in the
world today, we don't really know what we're looking at.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Expound on that we don't really know.
Speaker 3 (04:24):
We're trying to get me shot. Do I look so,
Molly and.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
I DMX could have lived to be on this show.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
He wasn't ready. I think he was willing, but he
wasn't ready, And you got to be both. Can't be
just ready and not willing or willing. He wasn't He
wasn't ready. You also talk about lady balls, lady ball
who yes, okay, now, but we gotta understand that lady
(05:03):
balls and testicles are different. Okay, because testical You see
what you see now, The hair you see on testicles
is real.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Get defended.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
You see a lot of women, because of the the
way we are conditioned and programmed and educated, take on
masculine qualities, you know, and and they think it's powerful.
But feminine power is very different than masculine power. Feminine
power is assertive, masculine power is aggressive. Feminine power is directive,
(05:46):
it's nurturing, it's nourishing, it's clear, and masculine power is
often domineering and controlling and directive as opposed to collaborative. So,
lady balls, you know a lot of men today want
to be the boss and they want to be the
diva and have no leadership skills whatsoever. Lady balls are
(06:09):
how a powerful woman lives in, moves and stands in
her power in a way that nurtures, nourishes, supports, heels,
grows other people. It's not testicles. Testicles are aggressive. They
got here and sometimes they smell. Don't ask me.
Speaker 5 (06:28):
I know, you know.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
And it's interesting.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
In one of the episodes, you point out that women
don't know the distinction between assertiveness and aggression.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
How do you advise women to create a distinction between
the two.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Well, lead with your heart and not with your head.
Lead with your heart. That's that's ladyballs. Lady balls don't
come from the crotch, They come from the heart.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Did you come up with the certain lady balls?
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Did you come up?
Speaker 3 (06:57):
I said it for so long, but then when I
went to buy the trademarket, people have said that, but
I spell mind differently, and nobody else has a deck
of cards. My team created a deck of cards so
you can pull your lady ball card. Talking about balls,
mister Willie doesn't have to show up.
Speaker 6 (07:20):
What do you say to women who have like because
a lot of women shy away from leading with their
heart because they're called to emotional or they they're scared
to be vulnerable and make decisions based off of emotion
because they think that they're not thinking clearly.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Why do you think the heart is about emotion?
Speaker 6 (07:35):
That's what most people would relate heartfelt decisions too. When
it comes to women, well, who men? Yes, men, because
most women are so far out.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Of their heart they don't even know what the heart does.
The truth is that the mind was created to be
a slave of the heart, but we've made the heart
a slave of the mind or the intellect. Heart centered,
is grounded, It's clarity and again, nourishing, nurturing, edifying. It's progressive.
(08:06):
The heart is progressive. The mind gets stuck in the loop.
That's why we have therapy. Don't nobody go to nothing
to try to get their heart fixed. They trying to
fix their head. The heart doesn't get stuck in the loop.
The heart remains open because the heart is where God speaks.
God doesn't speak in the intellect. God speaks in the heart.
Speaker 6 (08:27):
When did you realize how to best use your Lady Balls?
Because I saw you talk about you know, when you
were raising your kids, you were being the father and
you weren't the mother. You weren't the most nurturing. So
when did you realize how to lean into that?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
I think when I lost my first daughter and I
had to raise her daughter m and I looked at
all the mistakes I had made, and I didn't want
to be continue to be a father, and so I
got a chance to be a grandma doing a mom's job.
So that was really really helpful for me. The other
(09:01):
thing is that you know, I'm a student of a
course of miracles, and a course of miracles says I
must have decided wrongly because I am not at peace.
So it comes a moment when we make a choice
or decision, but we wrestle with it. We're not at
peace with it. And Ladyballs allows you to be assertive
(09:22):
and clear grounded and peaceful. A lot of decisions I
make with my head leave me in doubt and flux
and craziness. But when I really do decide with my
heart and I'm at peace, that makes sense. Yeah. So
I think that's how I learned how to use Lady
(09:43):
Ball's grandmother.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
You give yourself grace, though, because when you talk about.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
It, absolutely I give myself a lot of grace. And
when I say, like I was a horrible mother, which
I say in my book, or when I say I
made a lot of mistakes with my son, with my children,
it's from a learning, not from the condemnation. I don't
judge it. You know, my kids chose me. I was
(10:07):
just trying to get some nookie. They decided they wanted
they decided they wanted to be born. So here they come,
intruding in my nude, in the citious activity. They chose me.
So they came to learn too. So we're teaching each other.
Grace is very important, even.
Speaker 5 (10:27):
With your your past, because your new show is you
know the inside fix.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Right.
Speaker 7 (10:31):
So you said you chose to go back and you
know to previous cases. Right, do you feel at any
time back then you got it wrong?
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Or you mean, oh no, absolutely not not there. You
know why I prayed about every show, and that work
was my ministry that was led by spirit. One of
the reasons we're doing the inside fix is because back
then I did the work. Now I want people to
do the work. Every single show comes with a worksheet.
(11:00):
Had a television show give you homework? No, so that
you can look at the show and say, where is
this in my life? How do I do this? Where
have I done this? Where is this going on? Download
the work free? Free? Don't we like free? Free worksheet?
So I did the work, then now you do the work.
Speaker 4 (11:19):
I want to ask you a question about what you
said about women having masculine qualities. Masculine qualities but no
leadership of ability.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
They want to be the boss and the diva, but
they don't have leadership tendencies, leadership training, leadership, not even qualities,
because you can have leadership qualities, but you have to
have The leader has to have a heart. We see
what it looks like when a leader doesn't have a heart.
Let me, I don't look Somali.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
Is that something you can learn or is that something
that has to be in you already?
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Well? I think that leaders are born, but they definitely
have to be trained. Some people say leaders are trained.
They're not born. I believe leaders are born. Some people
just rise into it. But there's certain qualities and characteristics
(12:17):
that an effective leader needs. And the one thing is
heart for people. Another thing is a vision. Leadership isn't
just about ordering people around and telling them what to do.
A leader has to have a vision and then you
get people to buy into the vision and you lead
them in that vision in a way that's whole and
healthy for everybody.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Know, you'ret in corporate America all the time.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
A lot of people in leadership roles and leadership positions,
but they're not actually leader.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
No vision. They're controllers, they're demagogues, they're bullies, they're all
sorts of things. And whenever money is the only thing
that leads you, you're going to have a problem.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
What would you say to somebody who was, like say,
in a workplace or in a relationshiphip that wants that
work relationship or real relationship to work.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
One of the exercises you did on the first episode,
which was from what twenty fourteen I Love It was
you brought everybody to a department store and you made
everybody shop for each other. You buy this person outfit,
you buy this person. Yeah, and then when you did,
you said, well, why did you buy that person at?
How do you look at them? So what would you
advise for a couple or even somebody working to do
(13:26):
to try to fix it because you can't be there
or they can't afford you.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Well, they can read my book because in spiritual hygiene,
spiritual hygiene for relationships, spiritual hygiene for parenting, and spiritual
hygiene for the workplace. Here's the thing in any relationship.
Three things. Number one tell the truth. One of the
reasons our relationships are dying and drying up is because
(13:51):
we lie about everything. We lie about what we feel,
we lie about what we want. Sometimes it's not a
conscious lie, it's a lie driven by fear. The fear
of losing, the fear of being harmed. So we don't
want to be vulnerable. But in order for anything to
grow and thrive, you gotta have some truth. The other
thing is accountability. All the stuff that we're not seeing
(14:12):
in the world today, tell it to be accountable. Don't
blame and project own your stuff, own it and be
accountable for every choice, every word, every action, and know
what you're bringing to the table, particularly in the workplace,
(14:32):
people go to work to make money. People go to
work to you know, very few people go to work
to serve. So what do you bring into the table
that you want something in return? Give me, give me,
give me, give me, give me. What are you bringing
to the table? So I think that if we did
that in relationships, if we did that in the workplace,
(14:54):
we'd have a lot more respect than honor. For if
I can't believe that you your grandmother didn't die again
for the third time at me because you only died once,
(15:14):
you know, where do you do somebody in the face
and believe that what they're telling you is the truth,
that they're not trying to take you down or get
something from you?
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Or it's can we stay? I want to stay here?
Speaker 4 (15:27):
With the spiritual hygiene, first of all, I love to
tite a little book. What is spiritual hygiene and how
do people tend to it?
Speaker 3 (15:33):
It's the daily, daily commitment and practice of clearing your mind,
of cleaning your heart, of strengthening your spirit. It's not
a one time thing, it's a practice. Your spirit has
to be maintained like your teeth. You know, are people
brush their teeth every day and go years without an
(15:55):
examination of their own thoughts, they got fungus in the mind.
Many people are emotionally constipated, still bad about mad about
something that happened in fifty six. How do you clean
that up? You brush your hair, you wash your hohuha,
you know, but you don't clean your spirit, your heart,
(16:16):
your mind. So spiritual hygiene is the daily practice of
clearing your mind, your heart, your soul, your inner life,
so that your outer life can have a different appearance.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
So what about the people who pray?
Speaker 4 (16:32):
They go to therapy, they meditate, they sage, but they
still stay toxic, Like, what's the prayer?
Speaker 3 (16:38):
What is the prayer? Most people beg they don't pray,
you know, and all of that is good, But what's
your relationship? What is your relationship with God's souls, creative
spirit of your understanding? What is your relationship? God doesn't
want your you know, tides and service only. What is
(16:59):
the relationship? And most people, many people, I won't say most,
I'll say many. Many people learn the function and the
doing of the prayer, but they don't have the presence
in the prayer. They don't have the relationship with the
very thing they're praying too why I didn't. I grew
(17:19):
up in the church. You know, I'll tell you a
real funny story. They were trying to baptize me. I
must have been five or six in the Apostolic church.
You know that's everything's a sin. Yes, rolling your lip
is a sin. Anyway, they're getting ready to baptize me,
and you know, they dunk you down in the water
and stuff, and they say to me, will you take
(17:42):
do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and save you?
Now this is way back when, and that's how old
I am. When Jesus was still on the cross with
the little droplets of blood on his hands, I me,
the brilliant child. I look up and not say who him?
He can't help know I got beat until tomorrow. You
(18:05):
can't help me because you know he's died off the cross.
Now you don't see it. But we were fed religion,
we were told what to do. We weren't taught to
build a relationship. And it took me a long time
to know that it wasn't about the doing of it.
It was about the being in relationship, in the presence,
(18:27):
being present in the prayer, being still and knowing.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
When did you learn to pray and big.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
When the beggan wasn't working, I just got tired of begging.
And then I said, Okay, what am I doing wrong?
I'm begging and you're not paying attention, and this is
not the way God is supposed to respond. When I
learned two things, how to be still and how to
(19:00):
know how to be still within my mind, my heart
spiritual hygiene, and how to know when I was in
the presence, not when I was reaching out, but when
I was turning in, And that was it for me
instead of going out going.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
We see a lot of.
Speaker 7 (19:22):
What are some of the preventative measures that you take
so you can you can actually grow grow up with
these things, like like good spiritual hygiene, because a lot
of people would agree that bad spiritual hygiene is everywhere,
every waywhere. But if people knew how to you know, simple, simple,
(19:44):
you know what I'm saying, Like how seven minutes three
times a day for twenty one consecutive days, shut your mouth,
turn off everything, be still seven minutes three times a
day for twenty one days. You know, many people would
rather use their front teeth and shut their mouth and
get off the phone. That's right, Just to be still
(20:05):
because in the stillness, everything's going to rise to the surface.
You can journal it out, you can speak it out.
You just become aware of it.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Because the first step, the first foundational principle of spiritual hygiene,
is self awareness. People don't know that their armpits think.
They don't know that they talk too loud. They don't
know that. You know, people don't know nothing about theirself
because they're looking for everybody else to tell them self awareness.
(20:32):
Start there, seven minutes, three times a day, every day,
for twenty one consecutive days. It'll take you somewhere.
Speaker 4 (20:41):
Why do you think people are more committed to physical
hygiene the spiritual hygiene because the spirit controls everything.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
Well, yeah, but again, most of us were religiousized. We
weren't spiritualized, and so we want to intellectualize the spirit
as opposed to spiritualize in the intellect to go in
there and get that up. And so we we we
don't like everything else we're taught it's a doing. Hm.
(21:11):
We know how to do spiritual things? Do we know
how to be in the presence of spirit? You know
how to do that? And it's frightening. And the thing
that frightens us more than anything else. I think in
my years of working with people, it is their own
spiritual power that I am ness. You know, we are
(21:32):
an eachness and the allness of God, and that eachness
is powerful. And people are so convinced that they're unworthy
and less than till they have a difficult time embracing
and stepping into the power and the greatness.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
I wonder why, Like my daughter asked me that my
daughter said to me, and my daughter said, Daddy, why
do we pray but we don't go to church?
Speaker 2 (21:51):
And I said, because we are Jehoa.
Speaker 4 (21:58):
We believe in spirit, not really like you know, going
to church to me as a religious practice, But we
are people that believe in the spirit.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
But can I ask you a question, is it? Are
you open to another possibility? Praying is going to church?
Praying is going to church. You're going in the temple. No,
you're not. That you are a temple, that you are
the temple of God. So praying is going to church.
Tell her that next time, WI, this is church.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
My uh, I'm grandmother ring now I'm raising my great grandson.
That's why I look so young and fabulous. And and
we pray at night before we go to bed. So
one day he said, uh, yeah, yay, that's what he
calls me. Yeah, yeah, Exactly who is it that I'm
praying to? And I said, you're higher self your I
(22:55):
am that that thing that people call God. But it's
not out there, it's in here. He said, where where
is it? I said, it's in your heart, it's in
your soul, it's in your DNA, it's in your bone mouth.
So you know, that's how I'm teaching him. Nobody taught
me that. They taught me the guy up on the
(23:17):
cross with the little droplets of blood. And when I
said to them, you know him, he can't help me,
how's he gonna help me? And I got beat? Ooh
that was I just remember, I'm being traumatized right now.
I'm having trauma memory.
Speaker 6 (23:33):
But in moments like that, right with your great grandson,
because then he'll grow up, he'll go through life. But
you talk about in your book, like even like ancestral
trauma being a part of things that you got to
like cleanse from. When you're young, you don't even know
what you're feeling. Even sometimes when you're grown, if you
don't have certain experiences or pay attention. So how do
you keep cleansing your spirit or yourself, because at each
(23:56):
level of life things hit you different.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
Well, he is a motionly literate he will be an
emotionally literate black man. Because I recognized I was raising
somebody's father and somebody's husband. I wanted him to be
emotionally literate. I wasn't raised that way. So he knows
the distinction between frustration and anxiety. He knows when he's sad,
he knows when he's happy, he knows when he's frustrated.
(24:20):
Why because I taught him how to do that. Most
of us are, many adults are emotionally illiterate. We know happy, sad, good, bad, right, wrong.
We don't know frustration, disappointment, exhilaration, bliss. Some of us
don't even know peace or joy. So it's up to
(24:40):
you do your work. That's your spiritual hygiene. In those
seven minutes, three times a day, for twenty one consecutive days,
call forth joy. What does joy feel like in my body?
What does peace feel like in my body? What does
we're in my body? Is disappointment? The body is a
(25:03):
living organism. Talk to it. It will respond. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
I want to ask you know in this generation. Sometimes
I feel like which one?
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Because I spend many.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
This generation. I would say from I would say maybe
from ten to twenty five. Let's talk there, Okay. I
feel like sometimes talking hard to them. It's they don't
understand it, nor do they get it right. It feels
they feel a lot differently. When I see some of
your past shows and your new shows. You talk hard
to people, you talk real to people. Do you feel
(25:38):
like the new generation is too emotional or too soft
when it comes to seeing things at face value?
Speaker 6 (25:44):
Think you can add us in there too. The people
in their thirties too. I think you can add us
in that.
Speaker 3 (25:48):
Well, you know what, because nobody told them the truth.
They talked at them, not with them. Talk with somebody.
The greatest skiff we have is a conversation. Most people
don't know how to have one. But when you're going
into somebody telling them what they did wrong, what's wrong
with them, asking them why they do that? Come here, baby,
(26:08):
come in, sit right here, put that down, stop it,
you know, be present. One of the reasons in young
people today, and I would say ten and up are
so emotionally disconnected is because nobody's present with them. They
sit in the back of the car, on the device,
looking at the back of someone's head who's on the device.
(26:32):
Many of them don't eat at a table. They don't
know how to set a table. They eat out of
a styrofoam box, on their lap or in a car.
So some of the things that kept us grounded and
human and connected, we've given them out. You know, a
lot of them can't cook. I've met a twenty three
year old who he can't cook. I said, well, how
(26:54):
do you eat? Uber eats? What is not a recipe?
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Right, But it's like that.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Not on my watch, you be human resources. Not on
my watch, you teach it, you be at the principal's office.
But those are the things that my teacher said.
Speaker 3 (27:10):
I wouldn't do that to a ten year old. I
wouldn't do that to the I did that to those
disrespectful women because I those were my lady balls. Let
me set this standard right here. Not on my watch.
People will say that. They don't say the next part,
will you disrespect another woman? They don't say that part.
(27:31):
They just get on the Not on my way, am
I putting all these little greasy fingers.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Okay, don't worry about don't even worry about. Don't worry
about I don't even worry about it.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
They're not smiling, but we I wouldn't talk to them
like that. You know, those women were conscious and intentional
in their maliciousness, and I was not going to accommodate it.
(28:12):
Sometimes you have to tell the truth in this way,
and sometimes it has to be cold water in your face.
Sometimes it just has.
Speaker 4 (28:20):
To be who holds you accountable, when when your hygiene
is off, when when your spiritual hygiene is I'll.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
Have a whole team of people. They oh, hell yeah,
this is how they say it. Mama, I don't mean
no harm or what I've taught them to do is
to ask me for a hall pass. Because I'm the
elder in the circle. You know, I have a whole school.
I have a whole school. I have students, I have graduates,
I have ministers, coaches, and so I say, listen, don't
(28:46):
let me die. If you see me running out in
traffic with you know, toilet paper on my shoe, don't
let me die. Tell me the truth. So they'll ask
me for a hall pass. You know, when a hall pass,
you could go anywhere. I did, Mama need a hall
pass Okay, let me get the brown liquor, get it,
(29:10):
and then they'll tell me the truth. And because they
love me, I can hear it. And it's nothing worse
than to treat somebody how to be and then they
correct you when you ain't being that way. I love it.
Speaker 4 (29:27):
How do we tell the difference between protecting our peace
and avoiding accountability?
Speaker 3 (29:32):
Ah? Good question, Yeah, integrity to tell the truth about it.
Tell the truth because you know when you're avoiding, or
you know when you're afraid, or you know when you're
denying or projecting. You know, you know, I don't have
to ask you, you know, tell the truth about it.
(29:55):
And protecting your peace or creating a boundary looks and
feels very different than erecting a wall. And sometimes people
erect walls and call it a boundary. No. No, A
boundary is built to keep you safe as you let
other people in. If your wall is up, you're holding
(30:17):
people out. You can create a boundary. This is what
I need you to do because I want to be
peaceful in our connection. That's a boundary. Well, this is
what I'm gonna ask you not to do so we
can be peaceful in our connection. That's a boundary. No,
you can't come up in here with that. That's a wall.
(30:38):
That's a wall.
Speaker 6 (30:39):
I saw you just sit down with Oprah and you
talked about your decision not to go to your daughter's funeral. Yeah,
and you kind of put up your boundaries just because
of some of the things that was happening within your family, well.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Not to family with one particular grandson, her youngest son,
who was just out of his mind. And I know
it was grief, but I wasn't gonna put myself jeopardy.
I wasn't going to give him the opportunity to disrespect
his mother by disrespecting her mother. And I didn't know
what he might do, but I was a trigger for him.
(31:11):
I knew I was a trigger for him, and I
had to tell the truth about that.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
How difficult was that for you?
Speaker 3 (31:17):
Well, once I made the decision, because I made it
from a place of love and care, I was okay
with it. So I didn't have to go to the funeral.
I went the day before and I had my own
thing with her. She was still gonna be dead the
next day. I didn't have to be there. You understand
(31:39):
the things that we do out of tradition out of
habit that we don't even want to do. I'm not
doing that. I'm too old and I don't have wrinkles yet,
so I don't want wrinkles.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
I don't, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (31:53):
For the same reason that you just said, right like,
I want to remember the person the last time I
saw him. I don't want to remember him in the casket.
Do you feel like funerals are necessary for the grieving process.
Speaker 3 (32:04):
If we, as people of color, we're doing our traditional
burial rights. Oh yes, I think it's very necessary to
lay that spirit to rest, to make sure that we're
lifting that spirit and light. That's a very different thing.
Burial rights are very different than a funeral. Can I
tell you something. This is gonna sound totally disgusting, but
(32:27):
I'm gonna say it. Okay, I bought my casket. My
casket is bought. It's on not on layaway, lay away.
I'm playing it off, but it's bought. Let me tell
you why I bought.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
My two me and my wife we bought.
Speaker 5 (32:46):
I was you bought it?
Speaker 3 (32:48):
And was it like twenty seven hundred dollars twenty eight
hundred dollars.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
More than that?
Speaker 2 (32:51):
But yeah, I did.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
But the reason I did because I didn't want that.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
I didn't.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
That's one thing I didn't want my kids to have
to worry think about.
Speaker 3 (32:57):
I didn't either. And also when I I had to
bury my daughter and they charged me ten thousand dollars
for a casket, and I discovered that from the manufacture
it was twenty three hundred. I said, let me go
down here and get me a casket. So I went
down and bought my casket and paid for it exactly
what I want. And when I'm not here anymore, all
(33:18):
they have to do is call, they'll deliver it in
twenty four hours.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Yeah, I got it in will to get cremated.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
You cremated and throw my ashes somewhere because you gotta
think about it in one hundred years be arounded.
Speaker 3 (33:28):
That is you. Yeah, I can understand that. I don't
particularly want to be cremated.
Speaker 6 (33:33):
How did your family feel about that? Like your wife
and your kids.
Speaker 7 (33:39):
My thing is like, if you buy a casket too early, right,
and then you know what, if you're skinny when you buy,
then you die big.
Speaker 5 (33:46):
It's like, damn, you still have to pay for them?
Speaker 3 (33:48):
Then no, you they'll just take a little of the
padding out. But I want to go back to you
with this funeral, because the funeral is it really should
be a celebration of the life, and it's turned into
this whole money making thing and it's the hole in
(34:09):
the ground. It's fifteen hundred dollars or more. Now. So
what I say is, if we're going to celebrate the
person's life, and if we're going to do the rights.
For example, in my lineage and my tradition as a Uropa,
we once the person makes transition, we do a nine
day prayer process, a forty day prayer process, and in
(34:31):
a one year prayer process to make sure that spirit
is lifted and elevated. As a as a two slaky
Cherokee or I walk in the nation of the Lakota people,
they plan their funeral and they are cremated, many of them.
They don't go into ground. They go back to the
earth and they're singing and dance. There's a whole celebration
(34:54):
that doesn't have And we do have food because I
will say that funeral chicken is some of the best chicken.
And so if we're going to do that, then let's
do that. But just to sit around and weep, and
(35:14):
you know, make ourselves crazy, and so many people get
stuck in the morning bad spiritual hygiene. Grieving is natural,
and I talk about grieving as a teacher and an
initiation in the book Morning is Bad Spiritual Hygiene, Morning
(35:34):
says that there's regret, there's remorse. That morning is the
process of because this happened, or I lost this, or
this person isn't here, this part of me can no
longer go on. Like when I lost my first daughter,
I lost my mind. But with my second daughter, I
(35:55):
didn't have the same feeling heaviness, and I didn't have
that because I knew it was coming and I was
prepared for it. And I can remember the days when
I felt bad about feeling good. People think, because someone dies,
you gotta feel bad, And I would catch myself feeling
(36:18):
bad about feeling good. Bad spiritual hygiene. That's mourning. Feeling
bad and believing that your life can't go on, or
you have resent or you resentment or remorse, or because
this happened, you can't do that, or you should have
done this. That's mourning.
Speaker 2 (36:36):
Think that part of the grief process, though.
Speaker 3 (36:37):
It is a part of the process, but it happens
organically and it passes. You know, it takes different amount
of time for everybody. But when I'll never love again,
my life is over. I'm going out need some worms.
That's mourning. That's a different thing.
Speaker 4 (36:53):
You talk about unresolved grief living in the body the
same way bacteria lives in the mouth.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
What's the daily practice to clean it up?
Speaker 3 (37:00):
Acknowledgy, acknowledging. You know, when you feel it, ask and again.
Building that relationship with the body. Part of spiritual hygiene
is somatic. You know, like we have a body, there's
a distinction between the physical body and the somatic body.
The somatic body is the energy and the feeling in
(37:22):
the body. So we'll walk around and we know we
have a physical body. Oh this pain, that leg, that,
But what is the feeling in there? Okay, your knee
is hurting? Okay, what's happened to me? What are you
doing here? So part of grief has to be somatic,
and people will grieve and get in the bed and
(37:43):
stay there. You can be in the bed, but then
get up and stretch, get up and move. Where is
the grief in your body? You know, the grief for
my babies, my daughters. It's in my heart and where
it used to be in the center, now it's just
around the edges, and sometimes it comes up. My oldest
(38:04):
daughter died on Christmas Day, so I've turned Christmas into
a whole thing. It was her favorite holiday. So Christmas
for me is not a day of morning. It's all
we haven't for I will have a tree if I
got to go out and cut it down myself, you know,
because that grief is there, but it's there in celebration,
(38:24):
not in mourning and remorse. So get in the body
where's everybody has grief about loss of something, something didn't
go right? But do you are you in relationship with it?
Where is it? So it'll show up and now you'll
be cussing out the uber driver. No, that maybe grief
(38:45):
that was unexpressed and it's in the body. Get in
there and find out where it is.
Speaker 7 (38:51):
Have you ever had a case right where you say
these people won't needy more than me. I don't think
I can't you know what I'm saying, Like, like after
you've helped them and they went on, did you ever say,
like I need to check on these.
Speaker 5 (39:06):
People or maybe they need something far beyond what I
can do.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
My own self.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
No, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (39:15):
See it's hard to answer that question because I don't
have cases. I have assignments. Gotcha, have you?
Speaker 2 (39:26):
Assignment never been too great? You ever said you know
what you need to.
Speaker 3 (39:31):
Jesus, it has felt that way. And then when I
get still and go within and to get the same
guidance that sent the people to me is the guidance
I get to find out what to do, it always
works out because I'm not attached to the outcome. I'm
really not. I'm really not attached to the outcome. I'm
(39:54):
sending to do what I do, and I do what
I do. What you do when it is your business.
You know, you've seen the show. There were some people
who fought me all the way. The poor little child
that ran out and left, and didn't you know she
wanted to beat me up. She told me she was
gonna cut me, and I was like, my son was
there and he would have cut her, and that would
(40:15):
have just went the whole thing.
Speaker 5 (40:16):
So I figured.
Speaker 3 (40:19):
To just let her go. I've had guests walk out
OUTTHEA from Love and Hip Hop and she left. I
had another couple, Uh, they said they didn't trust me,
I left. You don't trust me. I'm out. There's nothing
we're gonna do here. I'm not attached to the outcome.
I'm attached to the process.
Speaker 5 (40:39):
I think.
Speaker 7 (40:40):
I think your work has gotten us attached to the
outcome so far, too many times I've seen. And that's
also why I loved watching a show as well, because
I really love you a person. Oh, let me shopping shopping,
it's this lovely bout your not cover my lady balls.
Speaker 3 (41:09):
It did developments. I got all the number of times
I went upstairs and forgot what I was doing, and I, yeah,
that's a dh.
Speaker 6 (41:18):
I'm sorry, color got you left right up there.
Speaker 3 (41:22):
That's all right.
Speaker 7 (41:22):
But the reason why I asked her is because Kevin
McCall I was watching that. That's something that I remembered.
And I had no idea that he had had.
Speaker 5 (41:30):
All we saw.
Speaker 7 (41:30):
All we see is Kevin's antics then and now right.
But I had no idea that it was attached to
his upbringing. You know, you had it, you were You
got him to reveal some things about his upbringing, that
his mom she wasn't the best mom, and how she
was there not trying to take accountability either, and that's why.
And when he'll go do her for a while, then
it will come back and it's more antics. And that
(41:53):
made me think of I'm like, damn, well, I need
to call y'all to see and talk to him again,
you know what I mean, Like, that's why I asked you.
You ever after helping somebody say, look, they need something
far more than me or do are you attached to
the alchemist?
Speaker 3 (42:07):
I'm not. And he got what he came to get.
It's up to him to use it. That's his spiritual hygiene.
Like you go to the dentist, they fill your cavity.
But if you now then go eat fifty five pounds
of gummy bears, or when you have a temporary filling
and you're trying to you know, eat popcorn, that's a problem.
So in the same way with God source creator, he
(42:30):
can only do so much. It can only do so much,
and then the rest of it is on us. That's
why it's the inside fix. We could only do so much.
Kevin got and every single one of my guests that
was on that show, you know, I'm so grateful to
them because the show really wasn't for them. The show
(42:51):
was for the viewers, and I told them that I
would tell them that I want to be real clear,
this ain't even about you. You were chosen, left guided
to be a demonstration, and how you show up it's
not only going to help you, it's going to help
the fews. We told you that.
Speaker 6 (43:08):
I remember you did the you had the really big
daddy list daughter segments that you would do and you
would talk about the uns like the things that they
need to like or the words they need to know,
like Daddy's gone, and just the reality of like moving
forward from and I remember that my trigger. But I
used to watch the show because me and my dad
at that time, it was like early on in us
trying to figure out, Okay, he's new back into my life,
(43:30):
how do I feel? Do I have questions? And I
got to a point where I was like, all right,
you weren't here. Here's where my life is. Like I
don't want to be a victim or like a product
of that.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
I just want to make sure she understands.
Speaker 6 (43:43):
But you're a serious Your series helped me though, because
my mom was one of those people that was like
very like she just acts like it didn't happen. You
were you acknowledged that it happened, but you didn't let
people live in it. So it helped me to realize, like, Okay,
what are we going to do here, Like what are
we going to do with the relationship or what are
we gonna do with yourself? And how you feel about that?
(44:03):
And if it's not accepted from him or responded to
him the way you want, you just you can only
control yourself, yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:10):
Because you get to choose and he gets to choose.
And sometimes the shame of it, the guilt of it,
A lot of dads, moms, people can't show up. Husbands
who cheat come back and they can never get it together,
or wives because did you know wives were cheating?
Speaker 2 (44:27):
Yes, black men don't cheat, but boy, what women's.
Speaker 3 (44:34):
Exactly? Yeah. But you know, my my hope, my prayer,
and I appreciate so many people are so excited about
the show, about the book, and may my legacy be
if nothing else, that I gave people skills and tools
to take responsibility for themselves because the world we're in
(45:01):
right now, the mess that we're in, is because we
were anticipating somebody else doing for us what we needed
to do for ourselves, and so we got to do
the work. You have to do your work.
Speaker 2 (45:13):
Accountability is a hard concept for a lot of people
to grasp.
Speaker 3 (45:17):
Awareness, accountability, and integrity. Integrity where your mind, your heart,
and what you do are all aligned. Very often people
think one thing, feels something and do something else. Get
an integrity, line it up and be willing to piss
(45:41):
people off to maintain your own integrity. Honor yourself. Don't
dim your light. Don't set yourself on fire to keep
other people warm. Don't dim your light like that. Take
responsibility and embrace everybody in the process.
Speaker 2 (46:02):
I got a couple more questions. You always say healing
isn't pretty.
Speaker 4 (46:06):
Why do people romanticize spirituality but reject the mess that's
required to actually.
Speaker 3 (46:11):
Evolve, intellectualizing the spirit like people think spiritual people shouldn't
get angry. I'm from Brooklyn. I don't get angry. I
get pissed the f off, and I'm coming for you. Okay,
I'm all right, you know what I'm talking about. I
grew up with the bodega on the corner. Okay, So
(46:32):
I just don't do that. I'm responsible for myself when
I do it, If I do it, and I don't
stay stuck there, and that's not going to become an
identity for me. Let me see you abuse a child,
I'm coming for you, all guns drawn, cussing like a
sailor and hit you in your head, punch you right
(46:54):
in your throat, disrespect the woman in my press. I'm
coming for you, you know. So, even though I'm a
deeply spiritual person, there's sometimes when you have to again
throw cold water in somebody's face. But people want to
intellectualize spirituality. Oh, you have to be kind and loving, yes,
(47:17):
you do all that, but sometimes you are human and
it's okay. In terms of it being healing. Not being
pretty is because most of us are not aware of
the depth of healing that is required. We're not aware.
(47:39):
We think it's just if he would behave or if
they would come back, or if they would say I'm sorry,
that it would be okay. It's so much deeper than
so much deeper, and most people are afraid to go in.
And when I say most people, I'm not generalizing. I'm
speaking about it in terms of the years that I've
been doing this work and what I've seen, what I've
seen want to go with that, don't want to look
(48:02):
it with that don't want to do the spiritual hygiene.
Speaker 4 (48:04):
No, no, no, is there a difference between being spiritually
spiritually clean and being spiritually sterile? And what I mean
by that, can we ever oversanitize ourselves out of just
human connection?
Speaker 3 (48:18):
Not that I don't know. Spiritually clean, you you're still
among everybody. If you're not connected, then you're not spiritual
at all. Because the deepest part of spirituality is connected.
So I don't know about spiritually sterile. Let me write
that down, because you know, I forget.
Speaker 4 (48:40):
Some people try to, like you said, they try to
set so many boundaries, and they intellectualized spirituality to think
that they got to be away from people and be
apart from people.
Speaker 2 (48:48):
That to me, that's not but some of them do.
Speaker 3 (48:50):
I mean, look at the monks. Some of them, that's
their mission, that's their ministry, that's what they do. They
go out there. I'm not on that committee. I'm not
on that committee. I'm I'm on the people committee. But
but spiritually sterile, I don't know. That's a good Thank
you for that. That'll be my next book.
Speaker 2 (49:10):
I love spiritual hygiene. Mana.
Speaker 4 (49:12):
There's a rapper named Dgola and he had a song,
and I call it a Negro spiritual call.
Speaker 2 (49:17):
Ain't gonna let up.
Speaker 4 (49:18):
And in the song he said, nigga, get yourself together,
go get your brain a bath, go to church, start listening,
get on the right path.
Speaker 2 (49:26):
Spiritual hygiene.
Speaker 3 (49:28):
And you know, I'm really for me. The greatest thing
was to see how far I've come, because I wasn't
spiritually clean. I wasn't And to see how far I've
come and look at the experiences that I've had, the divorce,
(49:49):
the death of my partner, my my losing two daughters,
you know, all of it, all of it. And to
see how far I've come. You know, you can't all
off the floor. So I was on the floor. So
to see how far I've come from how far down
I was, it's humbling. It's really humbling because millions didn't
(50:14):
make it.
Speaker 2 (50:16):
I know that defin make you question your own mortality.
Speaker 3 (50:20):
Well, I've decided I'm going to stay here till I'm
one hundred and two, and I'll still be walking in
my low heels. I got on low heels now because
I do believe we get to choose, I really do.
I said onundred and one, Yeah, I'm gonna do one
hundred and two and I'm gonna go to bed and
I'm just not gonna wake up. I just have to
(50:40):
remember to put on panties because I don't want I
don't want like my son to come in and see
my us because I think that would kill him if
he's my mama who has hanging out. So I just
(51:05):
have to remember, I'm just going to go to sleep.
I'm not doing the suffering and the sickness. Like you know,
when I stuck into my regular physical doctor. I have
other doctors that I go to because at my age,
they they want something to be wrong with me. I
don't take a pill for nothing. I don't have high
blood pressure. I don't have uh the concuss the bunkus,
(51:28):
who's naa? My blood pressure is normal, you know, I
don't have any of it.
Speaker 2 (51:39):
That's not real. I'm about to take my doctor like.
Speaker 3 (51:45):
Anything, and so they don't believe me. So the only
thing they could think to tell me was where you
are obese? They told obese, you're twenty pounds over the
what the white I'm supposed to be. But you know,
my butt is the size of white. Boys want for
my whole body to be so I'm not worried about that, okay,
(52:10):
But so I'm just not going to do all of
that sickness stuff and I'm not going to live up
to the standards that they set for me. Like they
wanted to do these weird things to me.
Speaker 5 (52:22):
And I said, well, why are.
Speaker 3 (52:23):
We doing that? They said, because people your aging I
don't have. They don't have nothing to do with me.
I anything do with me. I'm not doing that. You
are not sticking that up there now, not doing no.
I've done though, Okay, yeah, because my daughter died of
colon cancer. So I take but other things, other things,
I'm not doing it.
Speaker 2 (52:42):
And this queen is seventy two by the way, for
anybody wondering.
Speaker 3 (52:46):
But I have a relationship with my body. And you know,
God is so merciful because I'm a virgo. I'm a
hypochondriac me too, you two both. Every little thing you know,
a headache is a brain too. Oh.
Speaker 2 (53:05):
I can see somebody else somebody die from right now.
So we go back and be like, hey, I gotta
go to doctor. I called him this week.
Speaker 4 (53:13):
I said, hey, I just got scared from head to toe.
I said, the doctor doing brain and that I said
my appointment.
Speaker 3 (53:18):
Right, So you understand what I'm saying. So God didn't
give me any of that. Because I wanted to survive.
I would live in the doctors. I'd have a box
in the corner by the stove in the doctor's office.
So I don't have that. But you know, people want
you to line up with what they think you should be,
what you even as a spiritual person. You know, for years,
and I say this, I've been doing this work since
(53:41):
nineteen eighty eight. Okay, for years, I was a demon.
I was all sorts of things. They would not let
me in a pulpit in the church. And then when
my books started selling and people would come and the
offering plate would be bigger than I became welcome. Why
(54:02):
because I didn't do it the way they did it.
But that's not how God told me to do. I
don't have to answer to you when I get wherever
I'm going. If I have to answer to anybody, it
won't be you. So I had to follow my purpose,
my mission.
Speaker 5 (54:18):
My Lucke, have you been able to find that love
that works for you?
Speaker 4 (54:23):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (54:24):
I remember in an earlier episode of I ele Fixed
My Life, he was saying, you stayed with a man
for fourteen years, but then you left him because you
didn't want to have to teach thirteen. I'm sorry to
teach somebody how to love you right well, you know,
because I.
Speaker 3 (54:40):
Right after that I left that relationship. He passed, and
right after that I got my great grandson. So I've
been grandmothering him now and I want to be fully
present for him. Gotcha, this is a kid who doesn't
have his mom or his dad, his grandmother, my daughter
was raising him. She's gone. So now he's with me.
(55:04):
And so I made a conscious choice right now that
I don't want to say that's my man, because but
he has my heart because the three hearts that were
closest to him he lost. I don't want him to
have to compete for my heart. So right now he's
my focus. He's eight now, so I you know, hopefully
(55:26):
everything will still be working in order and man by
the time he's ten. And then, you know, because even
to date, I don't want to bring because people coming
in the hot out of his life has a totally
different meaning. His mom's gone, his dad's gone, his grandma's gone.
So I'm dating somebody for three months and then they're gone.
(55:48):
What does that do to him? So I'm consciously parenting
in a way that I didn't do it. Like it
So I'm I'm but girl, I got there's some eye
candy out.
Speaker 6 (56:02):
A lot of people be exhausted by outside the streets,
be exhausting some people. Huh, A lot of people be
exhausted by the dating life. Right now, you're looking forward
to getting back.
Speaker 3 (56:09):
But I want to create what I want and call him.
I know what he looks like.
Speaker 6 (56:14):
I'm not.
Speaker 3 (56:15):
I'm not doing this, uh, you know, on the line
speed dating kind of stuff. I'm gonna sit right in
my home and I'm gonna let my lady balls hang
out and I'm gonna meditate. Call him it and he
gonna show up.
Speaker 2 (56:29):
What about the spiritually transmitted diseases? Though?
Speaker 4 (56:32):
Spir trying to get some pepe and then he doesn't
put all his negative spiritual No no, no, no, no no.
Speaker 3 (56:40):
No, he can't because my qualifications or what I desire
in a partner. Number one, I want to make sure
he has a good relationship with his mother and his children.
That's number one. Because if you can't be in relationship
with your mama, yama means great mother. I don't have
a hands in hell. You got to be a relationship
(57:05):
with your mom. You got to be a relationship with
your kids. And I don't care how old he is.
Although I'm going younger, I gotta go a little younger. Okay,
you want energy because and and also because my experiences
a lot of brothers in my age category. Yeah, I
(57:26):
can't do the blue field.
Speaker 2 (57:27):
It's the older other. Right now, I'll put that bluetoo
on you right now.
Speaker 3 (57:30):
No, you will not take your blue cho down in
the basement. You get out of here. I am not
on the blue choo committee.
Speaker 6 (57:49):
Are you looking at like.
Speaker 3 (57:53):
That's robbery? Okay? My son is fifty five. I just
was asking I think for seventy I can do sixty eight.
You know what what I said? Could he have babysat
my son? See if he's sixty eight, he would have
been thirteen. He could have watched my ten year old. Gotcha,
(58:16):
that's how I'm doing.
Speaker 2 (58:17):
That?
Speaker 3 (58:17):
Is that good? That's a good man, man?
Speaker 1 (58:19):
What a young boys gonna put it on?
Speaker 3 (58:20):
You? Listen? I had one roll up on me in
the gas station, and I was so out of it
I didn't and when I recogniz I said, are you
Are you hitting on me? He said, yes, ma'am. I am.
I said how old are you? He said thirty seven?
I said, boy, police, I got bras older than you.
He said, I would like to see it. I couldn't
(58:47):
stop laughing. Oh yes, he said, I would love to
see it. Yeah. Boy, you wouldn't even recognize he wouldn't
even know what it was. But yeah, you.
Speaker 2 (59:04):
We appreciate. Thank you man. I'm glad that God created you.
Speaker 3 (59:08):
Thank you, and I'm glad you're here. And I'm really
really happy about you going to Netflix.
Speaker 2 (59:13):
January twenty this year.
Speaker 3 (59:15):
Yes, well I should have waited.
Speaker 2 (59:21):
Juary.
Speaker 3 (59:21):
You're going to Netflix January twenty six. I'm going to
the MGM Theater in in my first public appearance in
since twenty nineteen. That I'm at the MGM Theater at
in d C. January twenty fifth, nineteen.
Speaker 5 (59:41):
Yeah, wow, that's amazing.
Speaker 3 (59:45):
Can they get tickets? Go to the MGM Theater thing there.
I'm so excited, Thank you, said he took a break degree. No,
I just you know, it's COVID, and then I I
wasn't on the show, and then I was grandmother ing,
and then I just you know, I've done little things
(01:00:07):
here and there, but me on the stage doing Oh
I haven't done that since twenty night time.
Speaker 1 (01:00:13):
Get your tickets. Also, the inside fixed from me is
on the seventeenth of this month.
Speaker 3 (01:00:17):
And thank you for joining us, Thank you for having me.
I really got fun and I can I say this.
First of all, you are absolutely gorgeous.
Speaker 5 (01:00:24):
Thank you know that, right, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 3 (01:00:25):
Don't let Charlamade tell you anything.
Speaker 1 (01:00:28):
Okay, he tells the Lauren too well, she knows she's
the baby girl.
Speaker 3 (01:00:33):
She's just a cutey little funking. That was the part
of Don't Bother.
Speaker 6 (01:00:44):
We were calm, I mean, and it's the MGM National
Harbor website.
Speaker 3 (01:00:51):
Your ticket you can go. And let me say this,
I am so proud of you. Thank you really as
an og, I am so proud of you and the
way that you present. I mean, sometimes you all do
a little controversial, but that's okay. I'm I'm o G.
But I can do this, My little ones, keep me
(01:01:17):
up today. Continue to represent yourselves and us in this
really powerful, productive way. I was so excited when I
heard about Netflix. Good, so just continue to do it, okay,
(01:01:39):
every day
Speaker 2 (01:01:41):
Breakfast Glove
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Speaker 2 (00:48):
The crown is yours. I love every day clicks up
the Breakfast Club.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
All Done Morning, everybody is dj n V, Jess Hilarious,
Charlamagne the God. We are the Breakfast Club. Laura La
Rosa is here as well, and we got a special
guest in the building, the Legend.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Welcome back. I am blessed.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
How you I'm doing amazing.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
All of this young energy. I'll take it on it.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
I was born in nineteen seventy eight. If I'm young,
do you thank you?
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Seventy eight? I got abroad it, I bought seven.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
You never stopped working.
Speaker 4 (01:36):
No, you're here today because you got a new show,
The Inside Fix. But you just put out a book
Spiritual Hygiene and December.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Why can't you ever keep still well?
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Because I don't want to grow roots, want to grow roots?
You know, roots are not not helpful. God, it's good,
you know, don't We need it?
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Absolutely?
Speaker 3 (01:55):
We need the work, so we need the energy. So
I'm out here. I'm out here. I could be on
the poll, but this is so much more beneficial.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Let's see the first episode hilarious.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
So for people that don't know, it's almost like, where
are they now?
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Where are we now? Not them? Yes, where are we now?
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Break down the show?
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Yeah. What I did was we went back into some
of our highest rated shows with the most of them, huh,
the most I know. I'm a mean machine. And we
looked at those shows for issues that are going on today,
because the way we deal with stuff today is very
different than we did twelve years ago. Twelve years ago,
(02:42):
these six women had a problem and they pulled their
their copy down off the internet. Today, you know, that
would be ig I T Facebook, they would be canceled,
and so how we deal with it today? But the
issue of breakdown among women is just as prevalent today
(03:04):
as it was back then. So how do we deal
with that? How do we address that? So that's what
we're doing. We're going back into the shows and looking
at how to take those issues and apply them.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
I love how you did it.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
Why did you find that more appealing than revisiting I mean,
why did you decide to revisit older stories instead of
helping new families?
Speaker 3 (03:21):
Because I'm old, I'm old and season, you know, because
we just keep reinventing stuff and we don't even really
get all the juice out of what we got. We
didn't get all the juice out of fix my life.
That's why we can go back in and do it
(03:42):
again today. The things that are applicable back then, I
did shows with mothers and daughters, and now you have
mothers divorcing or daughters divorcing, mothers, children not speaking to parents.
That wasn't going on back then. So yeah, and also
to let people know that sometimes you don't even know
(04:06):
what you're looking at, because people looked at that and
got into the characters and the people, but they were
looking at a whole nother thing, just like in the
world today, we don't really know what we're looking at.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Expound on that we don't really know.
Speaker 3 (04:24):
We're trying to get me shot. Do I look so,
Molly and.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
I DMX could have lived to be on this show.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
He wasn't ready. I think he was willing, but he
wasn't ready, And you got to be both. Can't be
just ready and not willing or willing. He wasn't He
wasn't ready. You also talk about lady balls, lady ball
who yes, okay, now, but we gotta understand that lady
(05:03):
balls and testicles are different. Okay, because testical You see
what you see now, The hair you see on testicles
is real.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Get defended.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
You see a lot of women, because of the the
way we are conditioned and programmed and educated, take on
masculine qualities, you know, and and they think it's powerful.
But feminine power is very different than masculine power. Feminine
power is assertive, masculine power is aggressive. Feminine power is directive,
(05:46):
it's nurturing, it's nourishing, it's clear, and masculine power is
often domineering and controlling and directive as opposed to collaborative. So,
lady balls, you know a lot of men today want
to be the boss and they want to be the
diva and have no leadership skills whatsoever. Lady balls are
(06:09):
how a powerful woman lives in, moves and stands in
her power in a way that nurtures, nourishes, supports, heels,
grows other people. It's not testicles. Testicles are aggressive. They
got here and sometimes they smell. Don't ask me.
Speaker 5 (06:28):
I know, you know.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
And it's interesting.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
In one of the episodes, you point out that women
don't know the distinction between assertiveness and aggression.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
How do you advise women to create a distinction between
the two.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Well, lead with your heart and not with your head.
Lead with your heart. That's that's ladyballs. Lady balls don't
come from the crotch, They come from the heart.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Did you come up with the certain lady balls?
Speaker 2 (06:55):
Did you come up?
Speaker 3 (06:57):
I said it for so long, but then when I
went to buy the trademarket, people have said that, but
I spell mind differently, and nobody else has a deck
of cards. My team created a deck of cards so
you can pull your lady ball card. Talking about balls,
mister Willie doesn't have to show up.
Speaker 6 (07:20):
What do you say to women who have like because
a lot of women shy away from leading with their
heart because they're called to emotional or they they're scared
to be vulnerable and make decisions based off of emotion
because they think that they're not thinking clearly.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
Why do you think the heart is about emotion?
Speaker 6 (07:35):
That's what most people would relate heartfelt decisions too. When
it comes to women, well, who men? Yes, men, because
most women are so far out.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Of their heart they don't even know what the heart does.
The truth is that the mind was created to be
a slave of the heart, but we've made the heart
a slave of the mind or the intellect. Heart centered,
is grounded, It's clarity and again, nourishing, nurturing, edifying. It's progressive.
(08:06):
The heart is progressive. The mind gets stuck in the loop.
That's why we have therapy. Don't nobody go to nothing
to try to get their heart fixed. They trying to
fix their head. The heart doesn't get stuck in the loop.
The heart remains open because the heart is where God speaks.
God doesn't speak in the intellect. God speaks in the heart.
Speaker 6 (08:27):
When did you realize how to best use your Lady Balls?
Because I saw you talk about you know, when you
were raising your kids, you were being the father and
you weren't the mother. You weren't the most nurturing. So
when did you realize how to lean into that?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
I think when I lost my first daughter and I
had to raise her daughter m and I looked at
all the mistakes I had made, and I didn't want
to be continue to be a father, and so I
got a chance to be a grandma doing a mom's job.
So that was really really helpful for me. The other
(09:01):
thing is that you know, I'm a student of a
course of miracles, and a course of miracles says I
must have decided wrongly because I am not at peace.
So it comes a moment when we make a choice
or decision, but we wrestle with it. We're not at
peace with it. And Ladyballs allows you to be assertive
(09:22):
and clear grounded and peaceful. A lot of decisions I
make with my head leave me in doubt and flux
and craziness. But when I really do decide with my
heart and I'm at peace, that makes sense. Yeah. So
I think that's how I learned how to use Lady
(09:43):
Ball's grandmother.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
You give yourself grace, though, because when you talk about.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
It, absolutely I give myself a lot of grace. And
when I say, like I was a horrible mother, which
I say in my book, or when I say I
made a lot of mistakes with my son, with my children,
it's from a learning, not from the condemnation. I don't
judge it. You know, my kids chose me. I was
(10:07):
just trying to get some nookie. They decided they wanted
they decided they wanted to be born. So here they come,
intruding in my nude, in the citious activity. They chose me.
So they came to learn too. So we're teaching each other.
Grace is very important, even.
Speaker 5 (10:27):
With your your past, because your new show is you
know the inside fix.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Right.
Speaker 7 (10:31):
So you said you chose to go back and you
know to previous cases. Right, do you feel at any
time back then you got it wrong?
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Or you mean, oh no, absolutely not not there. You
know why I prayed about every show, and that work
was my ministry that was led by spirit. One of
the reasons we're doing the inside fix is because back
then I did the work. Now I want people to
do the work. Every single show comes with a worksheet.
(11:00):
Had a television show give you homework? No, so that
you can look at the show and say, where is
this in my life? How do I do this? Where
have I done this? Where is this going on? Download
the work free? Free? Don't we like free? Free worksheet?
So I did the work, then now you do the work.
Speaker 4 (11:19):
I want to ask you a question about what you
said about women having masculine qualities. Masculine qualities but no
leadership of ability.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
They want to be the boss and the diva, but
they don't have leadership tendencies, leadership training, leadership, not even qualities,
because you can have leadership qualities, but you have to
have The leader has to have a heart. We see
what it looks like when a leader doesn't have a heart.
Let me, I don't look Somali.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
Is that something you can learn or is that something
that has to be in you already?
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Well? I think that leaders are born, but they definitely
have to be trained. Some people say leaders are trained.
They're not born. I believe leaders are born. Some people
just rise into it. But there's certain qualities and characteristics
(12:17):
that an effective leader needs. And the one thing is
heart for people. Another thing is a vision. Leadership isn't
just about ordering people around and telling them what to do.
A leader has to have a vision and then you
get people to buy into the vision and you lead
them in that vision in a way that's whole and
healthy for everybody.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Know, you'ret in corporate America all the time.
Speaker 4 (12:41):
A lot of people in leadership roles and leadership positions,
but they're not actually leader.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
No vision. They're controllers, they're demagogues, they're bullies, they're all
sorts of things. And whenever money is the only thing
that leads you, you're going to have a problem.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
What would you say to somebody who was, like say,
in a workplace or in a relationshiphip that wants that
work relationship or real relationship to work.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
One of the exercises you did on the first episode,
which was from what twenty fourteen I Love It was
you brought everybody to a department store and you made
everybody shop for each other. You buy this person outfit,
you buy this person. Yeah, and then when you did,
you said, well, why did you buy that person at?
How do you look at them? So what would you
advise for a couple or even somebody working to do
(13:26):
to try to fix it because you can't be there
or they can't afford you.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Well, they can read my book because in spiritual hygiene,
spiritual hygiene for relationships, spiritual hygiene for parenting, and spiritual
hygiene for the workplace. Here's the thing in any relationship.
Three things. Number one tell the truth. One of the
reasons our relationships are dying and drying up is because
(13:51):
we lie about everything. We lie about what we feel,
we lie about what we want. Sometimes it's not a
conscious lie, it's a lie driven by fear. The fear
of losing, the fear of being harmed. So we don't
want to be vulnerable. But in order for anything to
grow and thrive, you gotta have some truth. The other
thing is accountability. All the stuff that we're not seeing
(14:12):
in the world today, tell it to be accountable. Don't
blame and project own your stuff, own it and be
accountable for every choice, every word, every action, and know
what you're bringing to the table, particularly in the workplace,
(14:32):
people go to work to make money. People go to
work to you know, very few people go to work
to serve. So what do you bring into the table
that you want something in return? Give me, give me,
give me, give me, give me. What are you bringing
to the table? So I think that if we did
that in relationships, if we did that in the workplace,
(14:54):
we'd have a lot more respect than honor. For if
I can't believe that you your grandmother didn't die again
for the third time at me because you only died once,
(15:14):
you know, where do you do somebody in the face
and believe that what they're telling you is the truth,
that they're not trying to take you down or get
something from you?
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Or it's can we stay? I want to stay here?
Speaker 4 (15:27):
With the spiritual hygiene, first of all, I love to
tite a little book. What is spiritual hygiene and how
do people tend to it?
Speaker 3 (15:33):
It's the daily, daily commitment and practice of clearing your mind,
of cleaning your heart, of strengthening your spirit. It's not
a one time thing, it's a practice. Your spirit has
to be maintained like your teeth. You know, are people
brush their teeth every day and go years without an
(15:55):
examination of their own thoughts, they got fungus in the mind.
Many people are emotionally constipated, still bad about mad about
something that happened in fifty six. How do you clean
that up? You brush your hair, you wash your hohuha,
you know, but you don't clean your spirit, your heart,
(16:16):
your mind. So spiritual hygiene is the daily practice of
clearing your mind, your heart, your soul, your inner life,
so that your outer life can have a different appearance.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
So what about the people who pray?
Speaker 4 (16:32):
They go to therapy, they meditate, they sage, but they
still stay toxic, Like, what's the prayer?
Speaker 3 (16:38):
What is the prayer? Most people beg they don't pray,
you know, and all of that is good, But what's
your relationship? What is your relationship with God's souls, creative
spirit of your understanding? What is your relationship? God doesn't
want your you know, tides and service only. What is
(16:59):
the relationship? And most people, many people, I won't say most,
I'll say many. Many people learn the function and the
doing of the prayer, but they don't have the presence
in the prayer. They don't have the relationship with the
very thing they're praying too why I didn't. I grew
(17:19):
up in the church. You know, I'll tell you a
real funny story. They were trying to baptize me. I
must have been five or six in the Apostolic church.
You know that's everything's a sin. Yes, rolling your lip
is a sin. Anyway, they're getting ready to baptize me,
and you know, they dunk you down in the water
and stuff, and they say to me, will you take
(17:42):
do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and save you?
Now this is way back when, and that's how old
I am. When Jesus was still on the cross with
the little droplets of blood on his hands, I me,
the brilliant child. I look up and not say who him?
He can't help know I got beat until tomorrow. You
(18:05):
can't help me because you know he's died off the cross.
Now you don't see it. But we were fed religion,
we were told what to do. We weren't taught to
build a relationship. And it took me a long time
to know that it wasn't about the doing of it.
It was about the being in relationship, in the presence,
(18:27):
being present in the prayer, being still and knowing.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
When did you learn to pray and big.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
When the beggan wasn't working, I just got tired of begging.
And then I said, Okay, what am I doing wrong?
I'm begging and you're not paying attention, and this is
not the way God is supposed to respond. When I
learned two things, how to be still and how to
(19:00):
know how to be still within my mind, my heart
spiritual hygiene, and how to know when I was in
the presence, not when I was reaching out, but when
I was turning in, And that was it for me
instead of going out going.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
We see a lot of.
Speaker 7 (19:22):
What are some of the preventative measures that you take
so you can you can actually grow grow up with
these things, like like good spiritual hygiene, because a lot
of people would agree that bad spiritual hygiene is everywhere,
every waywhere. But if people knew how to you know, simple, simple,
(19:44):
you know what I'm saying, Like how seven minutes three
times a day for twenty one consecutive days, shut your mouth,
turn off everything, be still seven minutes three times a
day for twenty one days. You know, many people would
rather use their front teeth and shut their mouth and
get off the phone. That's right, Just to be still
(20:05):
because in the stillness, everything's going to rise to the surface.
You can journal it out, you can speak it out.
You just become aware of it.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Because the first step, the first foundational principle of spiritual hygiene,
is self awareness. People don't know that their armpits think.
They don't know that they talk too loud. They don't
know that. You know, people don't know nothing about theirself
because they're looking for everybody else to tell them self awareness.
(20:32):
Start there, seven minutes, three times a day, every day,
for twenty one consecutive days. It'll take you somewhere.
Speaker 4 (20:41):
Why do you think people are more committed to physical
hygiene the spiritual hygiene because the spirit controls everything.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
Well, yeah, but again, most of us were religiousized. We
weren't spiritualized, and so we want to intellectualize the spirit
as opposed to spiritualize in the intellect to go in
there and get that up. And so we we we
don't like everything else we're taught it's a doing. Hm.
(21:11):
We know how to do spiritual things? Do we know
how to be in the presence of spirit? You know
how to do that? And it's frightening. And the thing
that frightens us more than anything else. I think in
my years of working with people, it is their own
spiritual power that I am ness. You know, we are
(21:32):
an eachness and the allness of God, and that eachness
is powerful. And people are so convinced that they're unworthy
and less than till they have a difficult time embracing
and stepping into the power and the greatness.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
I wonder why, Like my daughter asked me that my
daughter said to me, and my daughter said, Daddy, why
do we pray but we don't go to church?
Speaker 2 (21:51):
And I said, because we are Jehoa.
Speaker 4 (21:58):
We believe in spirit, not really like you know, going
to church to me as a religious practice, But we
are people that believe in the spirit.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
But can I ask you a question, is it? Are
you open to another possibility? Praying is going to church?
Praying is going to church. You're going in the temple. No,
you're not. That you are a temple, that you are
the temple of God. So praying is going to church.
Tell her that next time, WI, this is church.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
My uh, I'm grandmother ring now I'm raising my great grandson.
That's why I look so young and fabulous. And and
we pray at night before we go to bed. So
one day he said, uh, yeah, yay, that's what he
calls me. Yeah, yeah, Exactly who is it that I'm
praying to? And I said, you're higher self your I
(22:55):
am that that thing that people call God. But it's
not out there, it's in here. He said, where where
is it? I said, it's in your heart, it's in
your soul, it's in your DNA, it's in your bone mouth.
So you know, that's how I'm teaching him. Nobody taught
me that. They taught me the guy up on the
(23:17):
cross with the little droplets of blood. And when I
said to them, you know him, he can't help me,
how's he gonna help me? And I got beat? Ooh
that was I just remember, I'm being traumatized right now.
I'm having trauma memory.
Speaker 6 (23:33):
But in moments like that, right with your great grandson,
because then he'll grow up, he'll go through life. But
you talk about in your book, like even like ancestral
trauma being a part of things that you got to
like cleanse from. When you're young, you don't even know
what you're feeling. Even sometimes when you're grown, if you
don't have certain experiences or pay attention. So how do
you keep cleansing your spirit or yourself, because at each
(23:56):
level of life things hit you different.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
Well, he is a motionly literate he will be an
emotionally literate black man. Because I recognized I was raising
somebody's father and somebody's husband. I wanted him to be
emotionally literate. I wasn't raised that way. So he knows
the distinction between frustration and anxiety. He knows when he's sad,
he knows when he's happy, he knows when he's frustrated.
(24:20):
Why because I taught him how to do that. Most
of us are, many adults are emotionally illiterate. We know happy, sad, good, bad, right, wrong.
We don't know frustration, disappointment, exhilaration, bliss. Some of us
don't even know peace or joy. So it's up to
(24:40):
you do your work. That's your spiritual hygiene. In those
seven minutes, three times a day, for twenty one consecutive days,
call forth joy. What does joy feel like in my body?
What does peace feel like in my body? What does
we're in my body? Is disappointment? The body is a
(25:03):
living organism. Talk to it. It will respond. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
I want to ask you know in this generation. Sometimes
I feel like which one?
Speaker 3 (25:12):
Because I spend many.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
This generation. I would say from I would say maybe
from ten to twenty five. Let's talk there, Okay. I
feel like sometimes talking hard to them. It's they don't
understand it, nor do they get it right. It feels
they feel a lot differently. When I see some of
your past shows and your new shows. You talk hard
to people, you talk real to people. Do you feel
(25:38):
like the new generation is too emotional or too soft
when it comes to seeing things at face value?
Speaker 6 (25:44):
Think you can add us in there too. The people
in their thirties too. I think you can add us
in that.
Speaker 3 (25:48):
Well, you know what, because nobody told them the truth.
They talked at them, not with them. Talk with somebody.
The greatest skiff we have is a conversation. Most people
don't know how to have one. But when you're going
into somebody telling them what they did wrong, what's wrong
with them, asking them why they do that? Come here, baby,
(26:08):
come in, sit right here, put that down, stop it,
you know, be present. One of the reasons in young
people today, and I would say ten and up are
so emotionally disconnected is because nobody's present with them. They
sit in the back of the car, on the device,
looking at the back of someone's head who's on the device.
(26:32):
Many of them don't eat at a table. They don't
know how to set a table. They eat out of
a styrofoam box, on their lap or in a car.
So some of the things that kept us grounded and
human and connected, we've given them out. You know, a
lot of them can't cook. I've met a twenty three
year old who he can't cook. I said, well, how
(26:54):
do you eat? Uber eats? What is not a recipe?
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Right, But it's like that.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Not on my watch, you be human resources. Not on
my watch, you teach it, you be at the principal's office.
But those are the things that my teacher said.
Speaker 3 (27:10):
I wouldn't do that to a ten year old. I
wouldn't do that to the I did that to those
disrespectful women because I those were my lady balls. Let
me set this standard right here. Not on my watch.
People will say that. They don't say the next part,
will you disrespect another woman? They don't say that part.
(27:31):
They just get on the Not on my way, am
I putting all these little greasy fingers.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Okay, don't worry about don't even worry about. Don't worry
about I don't even worry about it.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
They're not smiling, but we I wouldn't talk to them
like that. You know, those women were conscious and intentional
in their maliciousness, and I was not going to accommodate it.
(28:12):
Sometimes you have to tell the truth in this way,
and sometimes it has to be cold water in your face.
Sometimes it just has.
Speaker 4 (28:20):
To be who holds you accountable, when when your hygiene
is off, when when your spiritual hygiene is I'll.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
Have a whole team of people. They oh, hell yeah,
this is how they say it. Mama, I don't mean
no harm or what I've taught them to do is
to ask me for a hall pass. Because I'm the
elder in the circle. You know, I have a whole school.
I have a whole school. I have students, I have graduates,
I have ministers, coaches, and so I say, listen, don't
(28:46):
let me die. If you see me running out in
traffic with you know, toilet paper on my shoe, don't
let me die. Tell me the truth. So they'll ask
me for a hall pass. You know, when a hall pass,
you could go anywhere. I did, Mama need a hall
pass Okay, let me get the brown liquor, get it,
(29:10):
and then they'll tell me the truth. And because they
love me, I can hear it. And it's nothing worse
than to treat somebody how to be and then they
correct you when you ain't being that way. I love it.
Speaker 4 (29:27):
How do we tell the difference between protecting our peace
and avoiding accountability?
Speaker 3 (29:32):
Ah? Good question, Yeah, integrity to tell the truth about it.
Tell the truth because you know when you're avoiding, or
you know when you're afraid, or you know when you're
denying or projecting. You know, you know, I don't have
to ask you, you know, tell the truth about it.
(29:55):
And protecting your peace or creating a boundary looks and
feels very different than erecting a wall. And sometimes people
erect walls and call it a boundary. No. No, A
boundary is built to keep you safe as you let
other people in. If your wall is up, you're holding
(30:17):
people out. You can create a boundary. This is what
I need you to do because I want to be
peaceful in our connection. That's a boundary. Well, this is
what I'm gonna ask you not to do so we
can be peaceful in our connection. That's a boundary. No,
you can't come up in here with that. That's a wall.
(30:38):
That's a wall.
Speaker 6 (30:39):
I saw you just sit down with Oprah and you
talked about your decision not to go to your daughter's funeral. Yeah,
and you kind of put up your boundaries just because
of some of the things that was happening within your family, well.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Not to family with one particular grandson, her youngest son,
who was just out of his mind. And I know
it was grief, but I wasn't gonna put myself jeopardy.
I wasn't going to give him the opportunity to disrespect
his mother by disrespecting her mother. And I didn't know
what he might do, but I was a trigger for him.
(31:11):
I knew I was a trigger for him, and I
had to tell the truth about that.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
How difficult was that for you?
Speaker 3 (31:17):
Well, once I made the decision, because I made it
from a place of love and care, I was okay
with it. So I didn't have to go to the funeral.
I went the day before and I had my own
thing with her. She was still gonna be dead the
next day. I didn't have to be there. You understand
(31:39):
the things that we do out of tradition out of
habit that we don't even want to do. I'm not
doing that. I'm too old and I don't have wrinkles yet,
so I don't want wrinkles.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
I don't, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (31:53):
For the same reason that you just said, right like,
I want to remember the person the last time I
saw him. I don't want to remember him in the casket.
Do you feel like funerals are necessary for the grieving process.
Speaker 3 (32:04):
If we, as people of color, we're doing our traditional
burial rights. Oh yes, I think it's very necessary to
lay that spirit to rest, to make sure that we're
lifting that spirit and light. That's a very different thing.
Burial rights are very different than a funeral. Can I
tell you something. This is gonna sound totally disgusting, but
(32:27):
I'm gonna say it. Okay, I bought my casket. My
casket is bought. It's on not on layaway, lay away.
I'm playing it off, but it's bought. Let me tell
you why I bought.
Speaker 1 (32:45):
My two me and my wife we bought.
Speaker 5 (32:46):
I was you bought it?
Speaker 3 (32:48):
And was it like twenty seven hundred dollars twenty eight
hundred dollars.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
More than that?
Speaker 2 (32:51):
But yeah, I did.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
But the reason I did because I didn't want that.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
I didn't.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
That's one thing I didn't want my kids to have
to worry think about.
Speaker 3 (32:57):
I didn't either. And also when I I had to
bury my daughter and they charged me ten thousand dollars
for a casket, and I discovered that from the manufacture
it was twenty three hundred. I said, let me go
down here and get me a casket. So I went
down and bought my casket and paid for it exactly
what I want. And when I'm not here anymore, all
(33:18):
they have to do is call, they'll deliver it in
twenty four hours.
Speaker 2 (33:20):
Yeah, I got it in will to get cremated.
Speaker 4 (33:22):
You cremated and throw my ashes somewhere because you gotta
think about it in one hundred years be arounded.
Speaker 3 (33:28):
That is you. Yeah, I can understand that. I don't
particularly want to be cremated.
Speaker 6 (33:33):
How did your family feel about that? Like your wife
and your kids.
Speaker 7 (33:39):
My thing is like, if you buy a casket too early, right,
and then you know what, if you're skinny when you buy,
then you die big.
Speaker 5 (33:46):
It's like, damn, you still have to pay for them?
Speaker 3 (33:48):
Then no, you they'll just take a little of the
padding out. But I want to go back to you
with this funeral, because the funeral is it really should
be a celebration of the life, and it's turned into
this whole money making thing and it's the hole in
(34:09):
the ground. It's fifteen hundred dollars or more. Now. So
what I say is, if we're going to celebrate the
person's life, and if we're going to do the rights.
For example, in my lineage and my tradition as a Uropa,
we once the person makes transition, we do a nine
day prayer process, a forty day prayer process, and in
(34:31):
a one year prayer process to make sure that spirit
is lifted and elevated. As a as a two slaky
Cherokee or I walk in the nation of the Lakota people,
they plan their funeral and they are cremated, many of them.
They don't go into ground. They go back to the
earth and they're singing and dance. There's a whole celebration
(34:54):
that doesn't have And we do have food because I
will say that funeral chicken is some of the best chicken.
And so if we're going to do that, then let's
do that. But just to sit around and weep, and
(35:14):
you know, make ourselves crazy, and so many people get
stuck in the morning bad spiritual hygiene. Grieving is natural,
and I talk about grieving as a teacher and an
initiation in the book Morning is Bad Spiritual Hygiene, Morning
(35:34):
says that there's regret, there's remorse. That morning is the
process of because this happened, or I lost this, or
this person isn't here, this part of me can no
longer go on. Like when I lost my first daughter,
I lost my mind. But with my second daughter, I
(35:55):
didn't have the same feeling heaviness, and I didn't have
that because I knew it was coming and I was
prepared for it. And I can remember the days when
I felt bad about feeling good. People think, because someone dies,
you gotta feel bad, And I would catch myself feeling
(36:18):
bad about feeling good. Bad spiritual hygiene. That's mourning. Feeling
bad and believing that your life can't go on, or
you have resent or you resentment or remorse, or because
this happened, you can't do that, or you should have
done this. That's mourning.
Speaker 2 (36:36):
Think that part of the grief process, though.
Speaker 3 (36:37):
It is a part of the process, but it happens
organically and it passes. You know, it takes different amount
of time for everybody. But when I'll never love again,
my life is over. I'm going out need some worms.
That's mourning. That's a different thing.
Speaker 4 (36:53):
You talk about unresolved grief living in the body the
same way bacteria lives in the mouth.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
What's the daily practice to clean it up?
Speaker 3 (37:00):
Acknowledgy, acknowledging. You know, when you feel it, ask and again.
Building that relationship with the body. Part of spiritual hygiene
is somatic. You know, like we have a body, there's
a distinction between the physical body and the somatic body.
The somatic body is the energy and the feeling in
(37:22):
the body. So we'll walk around and we know we
have a physical body. Oh this pain, that leg, that,
But what is the feeling in there? Okay, your knee
is hurting? Okay, what's happened to me? What are you
doing here? So part of grief has to be somatic,
and people will grieve and get in the bed and
(37:43):
stay there. You can be in the bed, but then
get up and stretch, get up and move. Where is
the grief in your body? You know, the grief for
my babies, my daughters. It's in my heart and where
it used to be in the center, now it's just
around the edges, and sometimes it comes up. My oldest
(38:04):
daughter died on Christmas Day, so I've turned Christmas into
a whole thing. It was her favorite holiday. So Christmas
for me is not a day of morning. It's all
we haven't for I will have a tree if I
got to go out and cut it down myself, you know,
because that grief is there, but it's there in celebration,
(38:24):
not in mourning and remorse. So get in the body
where's everybody has grief about loss of something, something didn't
go right? But do you are you in relationship with it?
Where is it? So it'll show up and now you'll
be cussing out the uber driver. No, that maybe grief
(38:45):
that was unexpressed and it's in the body. Get in
there and find out where it is.
Speaker 7 (38:51):
Have you ever had a case right where you say
these people won't needy more than me. I don't think
I can't you know what I'm saying, Like, like after
you've helped them and they went on, did you ever say,
like I need to check on these.
Speaker 5 (39:06):
People or maybe they need something far beyond what I
can do.
Speaker 3 (39:11):
My own self.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
No, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (39:15):
See it's hard to answer that question because I don't
have cases. I have assignments. Gotcha, have you?
Speaker 2 (39:26):
Assignment never been too great? You ever said you know
what you need to.
Speaker 3 (39:31):
Jesus, it has felt that way. And then when I
get still and go within and to get the same
guidance that sent the people to me is the guidance
I get to find out what to do, it always
works out because I'm not attached to the outcome. I'm
really not. I'm really not attached to the outcome. I'm
(39:54):
sending to do what I do, and I do what
I do. What you do when it is your business.
You know, you've seen the show. There were some people
who fought me all the way. The poor little child
that ran out and left, and didn't you know she
wanted to beat me up. She told me she was
gonna cut me, and I was like, my son was
there and he would have cut her, and that would
(40:15):
have just went the whole thing.
Speaker 5 (40:16):
So I figured.
Speaker 3 (40:19):
To just let her go. I've had guests walk out
OUTTHEA from Love and Hip Hop and she left. I
had another couple, Uh, they said they didn't trust me,
I left. You don't trust me. I'm out. There's nothing
we're gonna do here. I'm not attached to the outcome.
I'm attached to the process.
Speaker 5 (40:39):
I think.
Speaker 7 (40:40):
I think your work has gotten us attached to the
outcome so far, too many times I've seen. And that's
also why I loved watching a show as well, because
I really love you a person. Oh, let me shopping shopping,
it's this lovely bout your not cover my lady balls.
Speaker 3 (41:09):
It did developments. I got all the number of times
I went upstairs and forgot what I was doing, and I, yeah,
that's a dh.
Speaker 6 (41:18):
I'm sorry, color got you left right up there.
Speaker 3 (41:22):
That's all right.
Speaker 7 (41:22):
But the reason why I asked her is because Kevin
McCall I was watching that. That's something that I remembered.
And I had no idea that he had had.
Speaker 5 (41:30):
All we saw.
Speaker 7 (41:30):
All we see is Kevin's antics then and now right.
But I had no idea that it was attached to
his upbringing. You know, you had it, you were You
got him to reveal some things about his upbringing, that
his mom she wasn't the best mom, and how she
was there not trying to take accountability either, and that's why.
And when he'll go do her for a while, then
it will come back and it's more antics. And that
(41:53):
made me think of I'm like, damn, well, I need
to call y'all to see and talk to him again,
you know what I mean, Like, that's why I asked you.
You ever after helping somebody say, look, they need something
far more than me or do are you attached to
the alchemist?
Speaker 3 (42:07):
I'm not. And he got what he came to get.
It's up to him to use it. That's his spiritual hygiene.
Like you go to the dentist, they fill your cavity.
But if you now then go eat fifty five pounds
of gummy bears, or when you have a temporary filling
and you're trying to you know, eat popcorn, that's a problem.
So in the same way with God source creator, he
(42:30):
can only do so much. It can only do so much,
and then the rest of it is on us. That's
why it's the inside fix. We could only do so much.
Kevin got and every single one of my guests that
was on that show, you know, I'm so grateful to
them because the show really wasn't for them. The show
(42:51):
was for the viewers, and I told them that I
would tell them that I want to be real clear,
this ain't even about you. You were chosen, left guided
to be a demonstration, and how you show up it's
not only going to help you, it's going to help
the fews. We told you that.
Speaker 6 (43:08):
I remember you did the you had the really big
daddy list daughter segments that you would do and you
would talk about the uns like the things that they
need to like or the words they need to know,
like Daddy's gone, and just the reality of like moving
forward from and I remember that my trigger. But I
used to watch the show because me and my dad
at that time, it was like early on in us
trying to figure out, Okay, he's new back into my life,
(43:30):
how do I feel? Do I have questions? And I
got to a point where I was like, all right,
you weren't here. Here's where my life is. Like I
don't want to be a victim or like a product
of that.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
I just want to make sure she understands.
Speaker 6 (43:43):
But you're a serious Your series helped me though, because
my mom was one of those people that was like
very like she just acts like it didn't happen. You
were you acknowledged that it happened, but you didn't let
people live in it. So it helped me to realize, like, Okay,
what are we going to do here, Like what are
we going to do with the relationship or what are
we gonna do with yourself? And how you feel about that?
(44:03):
And if it's not accepted from him or responded to
him the way you want, you just you can only
control yourself, yeah.
Speaker 3 (44:10):
Because you get to choose and he gets to choose.
And sometimes the shame of it, the guilt of it,
A lot of dads, moms, people can't show up. Husbands
who cheat come back and they can never get it together,
or wives because did you know wives were cheating?
Speaker 2 (44:27):
Yes, black men don't cheat, but boy, what women's.
Speaker 3 (44:34):
Exactly? Yeah. But you know, my my hope, my prayer,
and I appreciate so many people are so excited about
the show, about the book, and may my legacy be
if nothing else, that I gave people skills and tools
to take responsibility for themselves because the world we're in
(45:01):
right now, the mess that we're in, is because we
were anticipating somebody else doing for us what we needed
to do for ourselves, and so we got to do
the work. You have to do your work.
Speaker 2 (45:13):
Accountability is a hard concept for a lot of people
to grasp.
Speaker 3 (45:17):
Awareness, accountability, and integrity. Integrity where your mind, your heart,
and what you do are all aligned. Very often people
think one thing, feels something and do something else. Get
an integrity, line it up and be willing to piss
(45:41):
people off to maintain your own integrity. Honor yourself. Don't
dim your light. Don't set yourself on fire to keep
other people warm. Don't dim your light like that. Take
responsibility and embrace everybody in the process.
Speaker 2 (46:02):
I got a couple more questions. You always say healing
isn't pretty.
Speaker 4 (46:06):
Why do people romanticize spirituality but reject the mess that's
required to actually.
Speaker 3 (46:11):
Evolve, intellectualizing the spirit like people think spiritual people shouldn't
get angry. I'm from Brooklyn. I don't get angry. I
get pissed the f off, and I'm coming for you. Okay,
I'm all right, you know what I'm talking about. I
grew up with the bodega on the corner. Okay, So
(46:32):
I just don't do that. I'm responsible for myself when
I do it, If I do it, and I don't
stay stuck there, and that's not going to become an
identity for me. Let me see you abuse a child,
I'm coming for you, all guns drawn, cussing like a
sailor and hit you in your head, punch you right
(46:54):
in your throat, disrespect the woman in my press. I'm
coming for you, you know. So, even though I'm a
deeply spiritual person, there's sometimes when you have to again
throw cold water in somebody's face. But people want to
intellectualize spirituality. Oh, you have to be kind and loving, yes,
(47:17):
you do all that, but sometimes you are human and
it's okay. In terms of it being healing. Not being
pretty is because most of us are not aware of
the depth of healing that is required. We're not aware.
(47:39):
We think it's just if he would behave or if
they would come back, or if they would say I'm sorry,
that it would be okay. It's so much deeper than
so much deeper, and most people are afraid to go in.
And when I say most people, I'm not generalizing. I'm
speaking about it in terms of the years that I've
been doing this work and what I've seen, what I've
seen want to go with that, don't want to look
(48:02):
it with that don't want to do the spiritual hygiene.
Speaker 4 (48:04):
No, no, no, is there a difference between being spiritually
spiritually clean and being spiritually sterile? And what I mean
by that, can we ever oversanitize ourselves out of just
human connection?
Speaker 3 (48:18):
Not that I don't know. Spiritually clean, you you're still
among everybody. If you're not connected, then you're not spiritual
at all. Because the deepest part of spirituality is connected.
So I don't know about spiritually sterile. Let me write
that down, because you know, I forget.
Speaker 4 (48:40):
Some people try to, like you said, they try to
set so many boundaries, and they intellectualized spirituality to think
that they got to be away from people and be
apart from people.
Speaker 2 (48:48):
That to me, that's not but some of them do.
Speaker 3 (48:50):
I mean, look at the monks. Some of them, that's
their mission, that's their ministry, that's what they do. They
go out there. I'm not on that committee. I'm not
on that committee. I'm I'm on the people committee. But
but spiritually sterile, I don't know. That's a good Thank
you for that. That'll be my next book.
Speaker 2 (49:10):
I love spiritual hygiene. Mana.
Speaker 4 (49:12):
There's a rapper named Dgola and he had a song,
and I call it a Negro spiritual call.
Speaker 2 (49:17):
Ain't gonna let up.
Speaker 4 (49:18):
And in the song he said, nigga, get yourself together,
go get your brain a bath, go to church, start listening,
get on the right path.
Speaker 2 (49:26):
Spiritual hygiene.
Speaker 3 (49:28):
And you know, I'm really for me. The greatest thing
was to see how far I've come, because I wasn't
spiritually clean. I wasn't And to see how far I've
come and look at the experiences that I've had, the divorce,
(49:49):
the death of my partner, my my losing two daughters,
you know, all of it, all of it. And to
see how far I've come. You know, you can't all
off the floor. So I was on the floor. So
to see how far I've come from how far down
I was, it's humbling. It's really humbling because millions didn't
(50:14):
make it.
Speaker 2 (50:16):
I know that defin make you question your own mortality.
Speaker 3 (50:20):
Well, I've decided I'm going to stay here till I'm
one hundred and two, and I'll still be walking in
my low heels. I got on low heels now because
I do believe we get to choose, I really do.
I said onundred and one, Yeah, I'm gonna do one
hundred and two and I'm gonna go to bed and
I'm just not gonna wake up. I just have to
(50:40):
remember to put on panties because I don't want I
don't want like my son to come in and see
my us because I think that would kill him if
he's my mama who has hanging out. So I just
(51:05):
have to remember, I'm just going to go to sleep.
I'm not doing the suffering and the sickness. Like you know,
when I stuck into my regular physical doctor. I have
other doctors that I go to because at my age,
they they want something to be wrong with me. I
don't take a pill for nothing. I don't have high
blood pressure. I don't have uh the concuss the bunkus,
(51:28):
who's naa? My blood pressure is normal, you know, I
don't have any of it.
Speaker 2 (51:39):
That's not real. I'm about to take my doctor like.
Speaker 3 (51:45):
Anything, and so they don't believe me. So the only
thing they could think to tell me was where you
are obese? They told obese, you're twenty pounds over the
what the white I'm supposed to be. But you know,
my butt is the size of white. Boys want for
my whole body to be so I'm not worried about that, okay,
(52:10):
But so I'm just not going to do all of
that sickness stuff and I'm not going to live up
to the standards that they set for me. Like they
wanted to do these weird things to me.
Speaker 5 (52:22):
And I said, well, why are.
Speaker 3 (52:23):
We doing that? They said, because people your aging I
don't have. They don't have nothing to do with me.
I anything do with me. I'm not doing that. You
are not sticking that up there now, not doing no.
I've done though, Okay, yeah, because my daughter died of
colon cancer. So I take but other things, other things,
I'm not doing it.
Speaker 2 (52:42):
And this queen is seventy two by the way, for
anybody wondering.
Speaker 3 (52:46):
But I have a relationship with my body. And you know,
God is so merciful because I'm a virgo. I'm a
hypochondriac me too, you two both. Every little thing you know,
a headache is a brain too. Oh.
Speaker 2 (53:05):
I can see somebody else somebody die from right now.
So we go back and be like, hey, I gotta
go to doctor. I called him this week.
Speaker 4 (53:13):
I said, hey, I just got scared from head to toe.
I said, the doctor doing brain and that I said
my appointment.
Speaker 3 (53:18):
Right, So you understand what I'm saying. So God didn't
give me any of that. Because I wanted to survive.
I would live in the doctors. I'd have a box
in the corner by the stove in the doctor's office.
So I don't have that. But you know, people want
you to line up with what they think you should be,
what you even as a spiritual person. You know, for years,
and I say this, I've been doing this work since
(53:41):
nineteen eighty eight. Okay, for years, I was a demon.
I was all sorts of things. They would not let
me in a pulpit in the church. And then when
my books started selling and people would come and the
offering plate would be bigger than I became welcome. Why
(54:02):
because I didn't do it the way they did it.
But that's not how God told me to do. I
don't have to answer to you when I get wherever
I'm going. If I have to answer to anybody, it
won't be you. So I had to follow my purpose,
my mission.
Speaker 5 (54:18):
My Lucke, have you been able to find that love
that works for you?
Speaker 4 (54:23):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (54:24):
I remember in an earlier episode of I ele Fixed
My Life, he was saying, you stayed with a man
for fourteen years, but then you left him because you
didn't want to have to teach thirteen. I'm sorry to
teach somebody how to love you right well, you know,
because I.
Speaker 3 (54:40):
Right after that I left that relationship. He passed, and
right after that I got my great grandson. So I've
been grandmothering him now and I want to be fully
present for him. Gotcha, this is a kid who doesn't
have his mom or his dad, his grandmother, my daughter
was raising him. She's gone. So now he's with me.
(55:04):
And so I made a conscious choice right now that
I don't want to say that's my man, because but
he has my heart because the three hearts that were
closest to him he lost. I don't want him to
have to compete for my heart. So right now he's
my focus. He's eight now, so I you know, hopefully
(55:26):
everything will still be working in order and man by
the time he's ten. And then, you know, because even
to date, I don't want to bring because people coming
in the hot out of his life has a totally
different meaning. His mom's gone, his dad's gone, his grandma's gone.
So I'm dating somebody for three months and then they're gone.
(55:48):
What does that do to him? So I'm consciously parenting
in a way that I didn't do it. Like it
So I'm I'm but girl, I got there's some eye
candy out.
Speaker 6 (56:02):
A lot of people be exhausted by outside the streets,
be exhausting some people. Huh, A lot of people be
exhausted by the dating life. Right now, you're looking forward
to getting back.
Speaker 3 (56:09):
But I want to create what I want and call him.
I know what he looks like.
Speaker 6 (56:14):
I'm not.
Speaker 3 (56:15):
I'm not doing this, uh, you know, on the line
speed dating kind of stuff. I'm gonna sit right in
my home and I'm gonna let my lady balls hang
out and I'm gonna meditate. Call him it and he
gonna show up.
Speaker 2 (56:29):
What about the spiritually transmitted diseases? Though?
Speaker 4 (56:32):
Spir trying to get some pepe and then he doesn't
put all his negative spiritual No no, no, no, no no.
Speaker 3 (56:40):
No, he can't because my qualifications or what I desire
in a partner. Number one, I want to make sure
he has a good relationship with his mother and his children.
That's number one. Because if you can't be in relationship
with your mama, yama means great mother. I don't have
a hands in hell. You got to be a relationship
(57:05):
with your mom. You got to be a relationship with
your kids. And I don't care how old he is.
Although I'm going younger, I gotta go a little younger. Okay,
you want energy because and and also because my experiences
a lot of brothers in my age category. Yeah, I
(57:26):
can't do the blue field.
Speaker 2 (57:27):
It's the older other. Right now, I'll put that bluetoo
on you right now.
Speaker 3 (57:30):
No, you will not take your blue cho down in
the basement. You get out of here. I am not
on the blue choo committee.
Speaker 6 (57:49):
Are you looking at like.
Speaker 3 (57:53):
That's robbery? Okay? My son is fifty five. I just
was asking I think for seventy I can do sixty eight.
You know what what I said? Could he have babysat
my son? See if he's sixty eight, he would have
been thirteen. He could have watched my ten year old. Gotcha,
(58:16):
that's how I'm doing.
Speaker 2 (58:17):
That?
Speaker 3 (58:17):
Is that good? That's a good man, man?
Speaker 1 (58:19):
What a young boys gonna put it on?
Speaker 3 (58:20):
You? Listen? I had one roll up on me in
the gas station, and I was so out of it
I didn't and when I recogniz I said, are you
Are you hitting on me? He said, yes, ma'am. I am.
I said how old are you? He said thirty seven?
I said, boy, police, I got bras older than you.
He said, I would like to see it. I couldn't
(58:47):
stop laughing. Oh yes, he said, I would love to
see it. Yeah. Boy, you wouldn't even recognize he wouldn't
even know what it was. But yeah, you.
Speaker 2 (59:04):
We appreciate. Thank you man. I'm glad that God created you.
Speaker 3 (59:08):
Thank you, and I'm glad you're here. And I'm really
really happy about you going to Netflix.
Speaker 2 (59:13):
January twenty this year.
Speaker 3 (59:15):
Yes, well I should have waited.
Speaker 2 (59:21):
Juary.
Speaker 3 (59:21):
You're going to Netflix January twenty six. I'm going to
the MGM Theater in in my first public appearance in
since twenty nineteen. That I'm at the MGM Theater at
in d C. January twenty fifth, nineteen.
Speaker 5 (59:41):
Yeah, wow, that's amazing.
Speaker 3 (59:45):
Can they get tickets? Go to the MGM Theater thing there.
I'm so excited, Thank you, said he took a break degree. No,
I just you know, it's COVID, and then I I
wasn't on the show, and then I was grandmother ing,
and then I just you know, I've done little things
(01:00:07):
here and there, but me on the stage doing Oh
I haven't done that since twenty night time.
Speaker 1 (01:00:13):
Get your tickets. Also, the inside fixed from me is
on the seventeenth of this month.
Speaker 3 (01:00:17):
And thank you for joining us, Thank you for having me.
I really got fun and I can I say this.
First of all, you are absolutely gorgeous.
Speaker 5 (01:00:24):
Thank you know that, right, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 3 (01:00:25):
Don't let Charlamade tell you anything.
Speaker 1 (01:00:28):
Okay, he tells the Lauren too well, she knows she's
the baby girl.
Speaker 3 (01:00:33):
She's just a cutey little funking. That was the part
of Don't Bother.
Speaker 6 (01:00:44):
We were calm, I mean, and it's the MGM National
Harbor website.
Speaker 3 (01:00:51):
Your ticket you can go. And let me say this,
I am so proud of you. Thank you really as
an og, I am so proud of you and the
way that you present. I mean, sometimes you all do
a little controversial, but that's okay. I'm I'm o G.
But I can do this, My little ones, keep me
(01:01:17):
up today. Continue to represent yourselves and us in this
really powerful, productive way. I was so excited when I
heard about Netflix. Good, so just continue to do it, okay,
(01:01:39):
every day
Speaker 2 (01:01:41):
Breakfast Glove
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