Two Things That Have Always Been a Problem

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, it's Mojo in the Morning show. So, in

(00:03):
your marriage or in your relationship, do you have things
that sometimes reoccur that cause for you and your significant
other to get right back into what could be the
worst part of your relationship, the fighting time in our
relationship we do In this past week, Chelsea and I
came to a head with that and it got to

(00:24):
be so bad we couldn't even record our couple's podcasts
that we do that we don't podcast that we do, which,
by the way, we should have recorded it, because if
you could have heard the fight that we got into,
it might have been the biggest downloads we would have
ever gotten.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
People would have been a fight, would have probably made
the fight worse. People would have virally sent this thing out.
They would have called for help for us. They would
have actually called for lawyers for us. That was that bad.

Speaker 1 (00:51):
So we got into a fight, we didn't record it,
and then the next day we did, and then we
released the aftermath of that fight on the pre podcast,
which is what this episode is titled, and it's the
We Don't podcast. You can get it on the iHeartRadio
app or wherever you get podcasts to search.

Speaker 3 (01:08):
Mojo we Don't.

Speaker 1 (01:09):
So there are two things that Chelsea and I have
come up in our relationship and has come up for
so many years. And when these two things come up,
it always ends up in us getting into an argument,
big time fight, maybe not even talking to each other
for a while. I'm not going to get into what
those two things out are out of respect for our

(01:31):
relationship and out of respect for the fact that we're
actually talking to each other and getting along with each other.
But I am going to play you just a little
clip from the podcast, and then I want to ask you,
are there common things that keep coming up in your
relationship that always lead to a fight and you know
when they come.

Speaker 3 (01:46):
Up you're screwed? All right? This is from the we
Don't podcasts.

Speaker 4 (01:50):
I think that I know that you and I are
there for each other when we meet each in a
crisis moment. I know that you and I enjoy being
around each other. But I also know that we're struggling,
you know, and do I think it's the end of

(02:12):
the world. No, I told you last night. I can
coast the rest of my life like this.

Speaker 5 (02:19):
I really can.

Speaker 4 (02:21):
I've made it this far. I've been with you since
I was seventeen, I've asked you for a couple of things.
I haven't got them. So I can live I'm fifty one.
If I can live seventeen to fifty one with not
getting those things, I guess I can live the rest
of my life that way, all right.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
So that's just a little clip for the podcast. You
should go listen to that podcast. How does that make
you feel?

Speaker 3 (02:44):
Not great?

Speaker 1 (02:45):
But there are things also that I have, you know,
So I don't want to like say that and make
it seem like, well, touche, hold on a second, let
me throw my stuff. But I think in our relationship,
and I think in most relationships, to be real and honest,
most relationships probably do have this. And I think that
there are things that you are not giving the other

(03:09):
that is also causing you to not get something from
the other. And I think that that's where we are.
We are both in that period. And it's the thing
that was hardest to listen to what Chelsea is. I
can coast when she said that, and we're going to
get into that on the next week's episode. We actually
taped that last night so that we could do be

(03:31):
right in the moment, so we don't forget anything. And
we talked a lot about you know, where we are
and where we want to be.

Speaker 3 (03:40):
And I'm not going to lie to you, guys.

Speaker 1 (03:43):
We have had the worst of times in this relationship,
times where I know if we were other people, we
would have been already divorced. And there are definitely things
in my head that I think about sometimes of man,
you know, maybe we should, you know, like one of
those things like where would we be? But I know
for a fact I wouldn't be as happy as I

(04:05):
am withich. I'll see, I just would be happier in
those moments that this stuff comes up, because when it
comes up, you're just miserable, and you're just in a
very miserable place. And it's funny because I think a
lot of relationships have argument cappers that happen all the time.
A lot of times it's money. It could be communication,

(04:28):
it could be trust, it could be the in loss.
It could be time together, or honestly, it could be
independent time. And I think that there are some things
that happen to you in your relationship, especially if your
relationship is in a period where you're together for a
long period of time, you're dated or a long term
period of time, been together a long period of time,
But I think short short relationships get that way.

Speaker 3 (04:50):
You have.

Speaker 1 (04:53):
Those relationships where they're so new and so fresh, and
you know what it's like to drive a new car
or to wear a fresh piece of clothing. It always
feels good and everything's great, and then after a while
it gets the stink on it because you've been wearing
it for a while. That's what a relationship is like.

Speaker 6 (05:10):
Not even that I'm going to add to that, because
I feel like I'm still technically in a newer relationship,
will have been married for two years in May, but
I still I feel like we're still trying to figure
each other out and how like Wes' best communicates, how
I best communicate what things really bug him about me
and vice versa, Like we're still trying to figure that out,

(05:30):
and that that is a cause of many arguments for us.

Speaker 7 (05:34):
But I think it's good that you are figuring that out,
and not like Mojo said, coasting like oh.

Speaker 6 (05:40):
Yeah, but that yes, but it also leads to a
lot of stumbles, like a lot of issues.

Speaker 1 (05:48):
See, I don't think coasting is bad, and I'm going
to tell you why. I don't think coasting is bad.
You when you coast kind of have an idea that
you're still moving, you're still going, and you're standing still,
or you're completely.

Speaker 3 (06:04):
Going and diverting where you're going.

Speaker 1 (06:07):
Because you're trying to try to, you know, be good
for the other person and not be good for yourself.
I think that is the worst parts of things. Like
I don't think Chelsea is coasting because she just knows
that there's nothing better out there and she's been in
this for a long period of time. I think she's
coasting because she knows that the coast is going to
take her to a place that's going to actually be

(06:28):
better again. And I think, honestly I will say, oh yeah, yeah,
to call her back up, call it called Chelsea up
and ask her where do you think why she's.

Speaker 8 (06:41):
Cost I don't know why she's why your definition of coasting,
how I am it.

Speaker 3 (06:51):
Is not a positive thing.

Speaker 8 (06:53):
It is it's it's an acceptance instead of reaching for
something else or knowing that and not saying somebody else,
but just in this relationship, instead of expecting greater, I'm
just gonna accept what is. That's what I's a coasting
and coasting like in my mind because like I'm a
visual person, Like if I take my foot off the wheel,

(07:16):
it's not that like I could have diverted or stopped.
It's an eventual stop. Like you know for a fact,
it's the car is gonna stop. So do you think
Chelsea's making a mistake in coasting?

Speaker 3 (07:25):
I don't know your relationship with I don't know.

Speaker 1 (07:26):
I don't know, but I'm saying if you heard, if
you didn't know her and whatever, would I wouldn't be
if I were you, I wouldn't be happy with that.

Speaker 8 (07:33):
With hearing my wife say I'm coasting and I'm comfortable
with it, that's not a good thing. Yeah, well, can
I tell you something. It's not good because the two
things that have happened are things that we're still living
with from the past of bringing them up all the time, Chelsea,
Kevin thinks that you should stop coasting and get out
of this relationship.

Speaker 3 (07:50):
Now when I start to come.

Speaker 8 (07:55):
Chelsea, that's not exactly you know, that's not exactly what happened.
He played a clip. I don't know if you're if
you were listening or if you know what clip was played,
but it was somewhere in a conversation where you talked
about coasting, and I don't take what you said as
a positive thing when you said it, was that a
positive way of expressing how you feel in a relationship,
or was that like, I'm at my wits end, this

(08:17):
is I give up.

Speaker 3 (08:18):
Basically, this is what it is, and I'll just accept it.

Speaker 5 (08:22):
Okay, something, admit something.

Speaker 4 (08:23):
I was not listening and so sorry, But when I
said I was coasting, I don't remember how you said.

Speaker 1 (08:33):
What you said was that you have we've talked about
the two things that have not happened, and we talked
about you said, I've been in this relationship since i
was seventeen years old. I'm now fifty I'm now fifty
one years old, and I've been going through this and
I've just done just understood that I can deal with
this and I can just you know, because.

Speaker 6 (08:54):
The rest of your life like this and be Okay.

Speaker 4 (08:55):
Yeah, yeah, I think what do I mean by that?

Speaker 3 (09:01):
Yeah?

Speaker 5 (09:03):
I mean that.

Speaker 4 (09:05):
Our relationship isn't horrible. It's you know, I don't think
there's a great, great relationship, but that's definitely not horrible.
And I think that we've made it work what we have.

Speaker 5 (09:16):
And yes, I've.

Speaker 4 (09:18):
Asked for two things to happen, you know, for me,
just like you've asked for things to happen for you.
We haven't done it for each other. But we're still here,
and I think that we can. We can go through
life like the rest of our life like this. If
you're not going to.

Speaker 5 (09:32):
Give it, I'm not going to give it.

Speaker 3 (09:33):
And it's not to say that.

Speaker 1 (09:35):
It's not to say that we may give it, you know,
And it's not to say that we're putting our feet
in the sand and not going to do it. We're
waiting for each other to be able to make.

Speaker 4 (09:45):
It saying yeah, it's not like a life altering I've
made it this far, and you've made it this far.
We've had great times about bad times.

Speaker 5 (09:55):
But we have great times too. So you know, if I.

Speaker 4 (09:58):
Don't get it, I don't get it.

Speaker 5 (10:00):
If you don't get it, you don't get it. I think.
I think that's what I mean. It's not awful, you know.

Speaker 3 (10:06):
Would you be happy to continue on as you are?

Speaker 5 (10:11):
Yeah, i'd be fine.

Speaker 4 (10:12):
Again, I don't I'm not trapped in this awful, horrible marriage.
But I don't unless you have been in a relationship
where and I think every relationship is like this. Your
needs are your needs are never one hundred percent meant.
And I think that that is okay. I can vocalize it,
and if you can't give it to me, then that's
what I have to realize then how to go without it?

(10:36):
And I have and I'm still okay. I'm not stuck in.

Speaker 5 (10:39):
A horrible marriage.

Speaker 4 (10:41):
I you know, I'm not married to a horrible person.
There are some things that I would love to have,
but if it can't be given, then that's okay, you know,
but I'm still going to vocalize what I mean.

Speaker 3 (10:52):
Heather wants to make account with.

Speaker 7 (10:53):
Up Heather, Hi morning everyone, the morning, And I you
know what, I appreciate you guys talking about your marriage.
I've been with my husband for almost a decade. We've
been married for five years. So it's you know, it's
nice that you guys are talking about everything, but it's
it also makes me sad because it just and I

(11:15):
could be wrong, but it You should want greatness for
each other. You should want to be the best, best
version of yourself for each other. And if you know
you guys can't do that, then something has to, you know, something, hang.

Speaker 3 (11:29):
So do you? So what do you do? Then let
me ask you this.

Speaker 1 (11:31):
Ether you've been in a decade this and if your
husband can't give you greatness, are you going to walk away?

Speaker 7 (11:39):
I'm not going to walk away. No, But I think
that you need to figure out the core reason why
you can't give that to right to someone and if
that's fundamentally just that you can't.

Speaker 1 (11:55):
Do, I mean, is there anything in your relationship though?
But I'm gonna put this on you because I really
I will say this to you. We are we live
in a walk away society where in the yeah, we
live in a society where we will we don't like it,
we walk out, we leave. And I think that if
it's not something and I'm sure there's got to be

(12:17):
something in your relationship in the ten years that you've
been together that your husband does that drives you effing
crazy and if he can't get past it, but it's
just part of his habit that he does, that's not greatness.
So you talk about that because you don't know what
our things are that we're talking about because we're not

(12:37):
revealing them.

Speaker 3 (12:38):
But will you will? Will you walk away?

Speaker 1 (12:40):
Because you're trying to judge the comment that Chelsea said
and trying to be like, hey, I think that that's
sad for you guys.

Speaker 3 (12:48):
Well, it's not sad for us. That's all that matters.

Speaker 7 (12:52):
And everyone, everyone's relationship is is totally different. You know,
you guys have been together for so long, and I
I admire that.

Speaker 9 (13:00):
Like you said, I think we live in a society
that you know, you know, walks away quickly when when
things get hard, especially especially younger generations, I think have
the tendency to do that.

Speaker 1 (13:12):
Actually, I think all generations do. I hate and I
and I listen. I agree with you that I think
that we're we've modeled for our our kids, or we've
modeled you know, our parents modeled for us differences, But
I think every generation is is uh. You know, if
it's hard, I'm going to quit. I don't want to
do it, you know what I mean?

Speaker 8 (13:33):
And sometimes quitting is the best option sometimes but not
all times. So that's why I use the word sometimes. Yeah, yeah,
sometimes it is.

Speaker 4 (13:42):
You can also want greatness and realize that you're human
and you will fall short on that.

Speaker 5 (13:48):
Yeah, Like I can.

Speaker 4 (13:50):
I can expect there are things that I expect in
my marriage, but I'm also expecting that from someone who
is a human who has faults and quite frankly just
sometimes can't live up to my expectations.

Speaker 5 (14:04):
That's okay. I'm not saying this.

Speaker 4 (14:06):
Isn't make it or break it, but I am at
fifty one saying this is what I've asked for, this
is what I would like.

Speaker 5 (14:13):
I'm not going to.

Speaker 4 (14:14):
Divorce you if you don't get it to me, but
you know, this is what I would like.

Speaker 3 (14:19):
I think you may not like.

Speaker 8 (14:21):
Obviously, perfection is going to be a mark that no
one will ever hit, and obviously greatness may mirror perfection.
If you're not after greatness, you're after effort, and I
think what you're looking for is effort, and if you're
not meeting effort, then you're never going to get anything.

Speaker 6 (14:39):
If there is a blatant disregard when a husband or
a wife asks for something and you just don't even
acknowledge it, and there's a blatant disregard for that need
rather than like the intention of trying, and you might fail,
you might continuously fail, but at least you're trying to
meet that need. I think there's a really big difference there, true.

Speaker 3 (14:55):
Danielle, What's up. It's Moje on the morning.

Speaker 10 (14:57):
Hey, good morning, Good morning, Mojo. I value and appreciate
your perspective on this idea of coasting. I've been married
only for one year. I'm a licensed marriage family therapist,
and I see couples all the time who want to
just get rid of a marriage is because they are
not perfect or they're not their idea of perfection.

Speaker 7 (15:18):
And while we have to also understand.

Speaker 10 (15:20):
You guys, we don't even know what the issues are
because of Mojo's respect for their marriage, we don't even
know what those things are. And when we're talking about coasting,
sometimes the idea is that I have a healthy relationship
with a person that I love.

Speaker 7 (15:32):
I'm committed to this relationship.

Speaker 10 (15:34):
I'm not going to get everything I want. I think
that there's just value in us recognizing that you're just
not going to get everything you want, and depending on
what that is, you do get to decide if it's
something you want to walk away from or not. But
I really appreciate this perspective that you're bringing, and I
wanted to call and say that, and.

Speaker 3 (15:51):
You're actually you said you're a therapist.

Speaker 7 (15:53):
I am.

Speaker 1 (15:55):
Let me ask you this, how many people come into
your therapy office and you know right away they've already
given up on the relationship.

Speaker 10 (16:04):
Unfortunately, more times than not, I think people come to
a couple therapies once they already have decided, but I
think there is still a small amount of hope. But
I do think that sometimes people come to a couple
therapy with the idea that we can say we did
everything we can. But sometimes there's no longer a desire
to put forth effort because of so much pain.

Speaker 3 (16:23):
Yeah, I'll say this.

Speaker 1 (16:25):
We talk on the next episode, which is going to
come out next week on Monday, so be next Monday,
and we talk about the therapists that we went to.
We went to so many different therapists over time in psychologists,
and there was therapists that made us worse and then
there was those that made us closer together. And it's
really interesting to see the progression of where we are

(16:49):
in our relationship right now, Like Chelsea's not really your
Chelsea're not as much into therapy right now? Are you
as as you were or we had to be you?

Speaker 5 (16:59):
Or Vivas and the Lonondo therapy.

Speaker 1 (17:01):
Yeah, And I do think that in Daniellis is for
you when people come in there. I do think that
I went to a therapist one time that the first
moment that I told this guy, like the first hour
session I had with him, or fifty minutes for some reason,
you guys do fifty minute sessions. And he literally said
to me at the end, I think you should look

(17:22):
for an attorney. And he was doing it based off
of just what I said. And here's the problem. You
just heard my point of the story. You did not
hear my wife's perspective on the story. Yeah, to now
just tell me that so and I think that's the
same thing that we just got at the beginning of
this conversation when you just heard Chelsea's point of this thing.
You didn't hear what I had to say about what
was going on, and then everybody made a judgment on

(17:45):
the coasting part.

Speaker 7 (17:46):
So yeah, I think.

Speaker 10 (17:47):
And the type of therapist I am, I don't necessarily
give advice or tell people. I'm an emotionally focused therapy therapist,
which means that I help people understand what's the emotional
driver based on the situation.

Speaker 7 (17:58):
So if it's Mojo and.

Speaker 10 (17:59):
It's Chelsea, what emotions are you feeling in the absence
of that thing? And how can we talk about integration
or living our lives in the absence.

Speaker 7 (18:07):
If you choose to continue to walk this walk together?
And so I value the work I do.

Speaker 10 (18:11):
I just I hope that you guys have many more
years to come, and I hope that you both get
those things. And if you don't, I hope that you
can see to find greatness.

Speaker 3 (18:18):
And want tonk you.

Speaker 1 (18:19):
Thank you, Danielle, appreciate Where do you practice? Where are
you at so people know about you?

Speaker 10 (18:23):
Yeah, I'm a private practice. My practice is journey through therapy.

Speaker 7 (18:26):
And coaching services.

Speaker 10 (18:27):
And shout out to my husband who's listening because we
like to listen on our drives and I was like,
listen to Mojo. So he has no idea that I'm
calling this morning.

Speaker 7 (18:33):
He's probably like, what is.

Speaker 3 (18:34):
She doing on the radio?

Speaker 1 (18:36):
You know what is an interesting thing that Chelsea and
I have done before on the podcast and you probably
heard will we will grade our relationship at that particular
moment and how happy we are in the relationship. You
and your husband do that tonight watching, but do it
after you drink open up.

Speaker 3 (18:55):
A bottle of wine. The grades always get better.

Speaker 10 (18:58):
I think that opens up a can of l but
you know what, you have to have me back as
a guest so we can talk more about it.

Speaker 7 (19:03):
I'm not sure I'm a pan of that.

Speaker 10 (19:05):
But thank you for having me Danielle talking to Lydia.

Speaker 1 (19:08):
Get Danielle's number. We should have her talk to her
from time time. I like that therapist, Danielle. What would
you grade the relationship right now? Honestly? With Chelsea and I,
I think that we're We struggled hard on Sunday. I
think that that struggle needed to happen because we were
going through as she would talk about the coasting thing,
but it brought us off to start talking about it.

(19:28):
But I think that our relationship has a lot of variables.
She's dealing with health issues in a huge way right
now and I am too, and so we both have
other stuff on our minds that are I think taking
away from the two of us. And I do think this,
and Chelsea, I don't know your thoughts on this, but
I do think that that along with things that we

(19:51):
got other stuff with our kids and then also work.
You know, this place causes for a lot of things
to compile. Like I don't think you're you put all
the pressure on your relationship. In usually you take the
pressure off of the other stuff, and in reality, the
other stuff is probably affecting us more than even Our

(20:12):
relationship is so like a B plus, No, I probably
say that when we're a C plus B minus maybe
right now, Here's the thing.

Speaker 4 (20:21):
Though it's not for me, I think it's really important.
Like I don't think coasting is a bad thing. I
think coasting can get you through like like he just said, like,
we're both having some issues going on, but if I
lean on him to help me get through it, he
leans on me. I will say that I one hundred

(20:44):
am I the best wife? No, but I know that
I am his biggest cheerleader.

Speaker 5 (20:49):
I'm there for him when he needs it.

Speaker 4 (20:51):
Health Wise, I am like I know I excel in
those areas. Can I improve in other areas and I
need to try to work on them. But I also
am at a moment right now in my life where
I'm going to put myself first if I'd never have,
and I have to, Like, there's just some things going

(21:14):
on with me that I have to put myself first.
And this is where I need him to step up
and realize and he is, but step up and realize, Hey,
you're going to take a little bit of a backseat.
But it's okay because it will circle back around. It
always does, it always does.

Speaker 3 (21:33):
I love you, Chelsea.

Speaker 1 (21:34):
Thank you for for coming on the air with us.
And will you be there today when I come home?
I love you.

Speaker 8 (21:43):
Will the locks be changed when I go home?

Speaker 5 (21:48):
I mean, he does have to wait and