January 27, 2026 • 34 mins
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the We Don't Podcast, starring husband and wife
Mojo from Mojo in the Morning and his better half Chelsea.
On this episode.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Coming up on this episode of the We Don't Podcast,
We're a little late with this particular podcast. The release
date should have happened, what a day ago or so.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
Yeah, but you know, extenuating happened.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Extenuating circumstances. We'll talk about it.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Well, all right, all right, all right, without further delay,
here are Mojo and Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
All right, I got to talk about a couple of things.
Number one, I want to talk about this. We posted
on our social media. Actually, you posted on our social
media right after you got done with getting a Was
it a scan that was done? And by the way,
you looked beautiful in that post? Did I tell you
(01:06):
how beautiful you looked?
Speaker 4 (01:07):
You did not, but several of your listeners said that
I glowed. Oh, I appreciate that. It's the Korean skincare
via TikTok that I'm obsessed with.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
Thank you Amazon.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
That was a tough day for you, and it was
a lot tougher than you even told me it was.
Speaker 4 (01:25):
Yeah, you don't know, you you don't know until you're
in it. I think that people who have had cancer
treatment or I can't. I can't think of another thing,
you know, or a reason why you have to have
constant monitoring after you have the PTSD of are they
(01:46):
going to find something? And if they do, what does
that look like? And and a lot of people either
sent me private messages or said, you know on the
posts that you know, it's real and sometimes it goes
away and sometimes it doesn't.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
And I think.
Speaker 4 (02:06):
It's out of my control because I thought, Okay, I'm
going to handle it a certain way.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
But literally, when you're getting this scan.
Speaker 4 (02:16):
I remember when I was getting my MRI, the preventative MRI,
and thinking, of course they're going to find nothing. If
they find anything, that's going to be your scan, not
my scan. So I just, you know, was watching Tires
on Netflix because Joe had told us to watch that show,
(02:37):
and so I was watching that show, and I remember
just like praying every once in a while because it
was an hour a little over an hour and doing
little prayers like Okay, God, if there's something here, bring
it to light, you know, let's just make sure that
if there's something, we find it. And then they found something,
(03:00):
so it's you know, so I am mindful. I still
say that prayer. I said that prayer with my other scan,
and I say it when I get my blood work.
I the reality for me is it's not if it's
when they find something. Unfortunately, which is the reality with
a lot of cancer patients, you know, Unfortunately it does
(03:22):
come back. So I have so I the and it
could be months or it could be years for cancer
to come back for me, but it will come back, unfortunately.
So my mindset is I try to get into and
you know we've said this before, but I want to
(03:44):
be prepared and I don't want to have that kick
in the gut where it's like, Okay, we found.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Something, how are you feeling right now?
Speaker 4 (03:58):
So I have my appointment with my in college on Thursday,
so yeah, we'll go from there.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Okay, Yeah, I I don't know what it is because
you're you're doing that test. I've done some tests and
stuff like that. We both are going to doctors. Yeah,
and ours are different circumstances. Yours is cancer minds hard stuff,
and I don't know what it is that if it's
(04:26):
in you tell me how you how you feel about this?
For me, it's I look at the years of my
life right now, and I look at what I have lived,
and I've lived a great life. You have also, But
I also want to know, like, okay, what is going on?
(04:48):
What is going to happen? Like I wish I had.
I almost wish I knew the outcome of what life
was going to be so that it could tell me,
you know what, what the just go.
Speaker 4 (05:01):
Well, so here's the short outcome of it. So we're
all going to die. But no, but let me just
say this, yeah, because when you say that, I think
it's really important that you I mean, so I learned
that with this cancer and stuff that came with it,
(05:21):
you realize your mortality. I'm sure you realize that with
your open heart surgery. You know, we're not going to
live forever. We we could die. I mean, reality is,
you could live on this earth hours to you.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
Know, many many many, many many.
Speaker 4 (05:38):
Years that you're there's a Bible verse that before you
were born, God knows the amount of days that you
are going to live. And I'm probably saying it wrong,
and the amount of hairs that will be on your head,
and like your your your your book is already written.
So we're all going to die. So that's what that's
(05:59):
what the future is. You don't know when, but you
can decide every day when you wake up. It's a choice,
and I can decide, I can, you can, We all
can decide that we're going to live this day to
the fullest. But by the way, if it's the ship
date of the shit day, it's okay to sit in
the shit day I've had. I've had a lot of
them lately, and I sit in them and I let
(06:20):
myself feel them, and then I try to tell myself, Okay,
tomorrow's a new day. If it's still shitty, I'll let
myself sit in the shit again.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
But I don't.
Speaker 4 (06:30):
I try not to have it more than two days
in a row because life is short and I what
I can't control is what's going to happen to me.
I cannot control when this cancer comes back. I can't
control where. I can't control how what's going to happen.
I cannot That is out of my control. What I
can control is how I handle it. So I'll either.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Run in and it's okay if I decide to run into.
Speaker 4 (06:56):
A hole and cry for a couple of days or whatever,
because that is really because life is unfair and it
really sucks sometimes. But then I can try to change that.
And there's silver linings in every single shit storm that
we have. What it is silver lining. The silver lining
(07:16):
in my ovarian cancer is that life is short.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
And I've learned that, and I'm learning that.
Speaker 4 (07:22):
I cannot control everything, which is very hard for me.
I cannot control everything, but I can control some things.
So I'm going what I can control, I'll work on that.
The things I can't control, I gotta let go, Let
go and let God. For me, that is something that
you know, I understand. Not everyone is religious or believes
in God. For me, that is how I deal with it.
(07:44):
For me, it brought me extreme comfort every single time
someone said I'm praying for you like that, Literally that
can make me emotional. It brought me to my knees
that people would even say my name in prayer, because
to me, that is so powerful.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
It meant the world to me.
Speaker 4 (08:07):
Now, I cannot control when my life ends. I you
know in my brain it's going to be cancer that
takes me up, but it could be a car accident,
it could be hard, it could be so many other things.
What I can do is just try to live my
life every day the best I can. Will I fail, Yes,
I'm human. I'm not going to do it the best way,
(08:29):
but I'm gonna try. You know, I'm going to try
because I've been given a gift.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
See I am. I believe you know that God has
the plan for us. But I know when I say
this to you, you you know, as opposite of what
you said. I want to know when it is, because
then I want to know that if that's the case,
then I can let go of you know, the waking
up at three point thirty in the morning and the
(08:55):
mundane bullshit.
Speaker 4 (08:57):
That I do focs that you wake up every day
at three throw the more Like, I know you hate
the time that you wake up, But if you were
to look back on your life, don't you think that
you've really enjoyed.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
I have your courage. I loved it. I loved it.
I used to love winter too, gift, but I got
to be honest with you. I fucking hate you know what.
Speaker 3 (09:15):
I know who a lot of people do.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
That's really hard to step outside and it's below zero
and it hurts to breathe and it hurts to you know.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
I mean, I wish I could have I wish I
could have the uh And this is the analogy of
you know, life in general. But I wish I could
have the spirit of a child, where the spirit of
a child is it's a huge snow day and it's
cold as hell outside and they go outside just bundled
up and have the time of their lives and don't
(09:44):
even think about the fact of what the temperature is.
Speaker 4 (09:47):
Part of that is a choice, though, and part of
that is you've had the reality of life that has
turned you a little bit sour on it, so try
to it's a choice to look at the beauty of it,
you know, the beauty. Find the beauty in some things.
And I don't know if you remember this, but I
(10:10):
remember I bought you a blank journal one time and
I said to you, just write down one to three
positive things. Do you remember that I did this one
to three positive things a day, and that happened to
you that day, and then the next day one to
three again, and then before you know it, you're going
(10:32):
to start every day. Then you could probably add a
couple more. And it's it's a mindset. And listen, there
might be days that there's nothing and that's okay to
have nothing.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
I mean, I truly believe that.
Speaker 4 (10:43):
It's not like you're going to stick a ball of
sunshine up your ass and you're going to be happy
every day. That it's impossible. But I think that a
lot of it, truly is a lot of it is mindset. Yeah,
and I should live by my own words with this.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Let's talk about that.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
Well, No, I should. Yeah, it's easier for me to
dole it out to other people. I try. I should.
Speaker 4 (11:07):
I give this that I given this advice to Joe.
I've you know, like there's.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Just how much of me do you see in Joe
every day you talk to me? Yeah, it's pretty good.
Our good friend Tim Richards gave me an app that
I used to do, and it's probably still around, but
I never, you know, have used it in a long time.
But I did it for a good period of time.
Do you remember it. It was an app that you
take a picture of something beautiful that day and then
(11:34):
you log and document why you were there and what
you were doing. You're in it somewhere if I find it.
I think it's called the Day's App or something like that. Yeah,
I don't know. I'll have to find out from Tim
what the name of it is, but it was, it was.
It was actually a really cool app it was. It
(11:54):
was a neat thing and I'm sure it's still around
in some way, shape or former. There's another version of it.
But with the pictures came like what you gave me,
which was that you know, mole skin to be able
to write in it gave you the visual of what
it was. And this does it for me all the time.
I open up my Facebook sometimes and it's my yeah memories,
(12:17):
and I think my memory today one of the coolest
memories that I had today that came up was a
memory from Joe going to school and you remember when
he wrote my mom's name on his gym shoes from
and he wrote Grandma Carballo on there, and it was
(12:38):
I think it was ten years ago, would that be right?
Joe in high school? Ten years ago he graduated, Okay,
so maybe it was a lot longer than that, but yeah,
it was pretty wild. Okay. So let's hope that the
doctor's appointment with your on collegest is great and let's
you know, pray for everything with that. Let's also talk
about why we are late doing this podcast. Because we
(13:02):
were having a great night on Sunday, at least I
thought it was great. We ate dinner, we actually had
some really good conversation, got involved in some stuff, talking
about some stuff, and then you and I got into
a really bad argument with each other. Actually it wasn't
an argument. It was a fight, and it was bad.
And it got to me raising my voice and being
(13:24):
all pissed off and you know, swearing and things like that,
and then it led to you and I then having
long conversations.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
But there's one thing that I cannot handle when we fight,
and it's like the mean words that come. I feel
like we're adults and we can fight. Yeah, but I
don't go low. I like to keep our arguments. I
like to think that I like to keep our arguments
at a certain level.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
You do something that pisses me off a lot.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
Well, I'm not sure I do.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
The thing that you do is I don't want to
talk about it. I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want
to talk about it. And then when you do the
I don't want to talk about it, which I get
you don't want to talk about it because you don't
want to get into a bigger fight. All that is
is like fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Can you
do that? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (14:14):
So when I what you know, and we're not going
to get into the weeds of it because no one cares.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
But here's the thing.
Speaker 4 (14:22):
Literally, we were setting up the equipment to record our podcast.
You brought something up to me and I immediately said
I don't want to talk about it, and you said, okay,
but you came in with another thing and I said,
I said I don't want to talk about it, and
you said, I get it.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
But and then and then I lost.
Speaker 4 (14:44):
My cool and I said, I said I don't want
to talk about it, and then it then that makes
you mad, and then you come at me with some
horrible words that I don't care for. This is how
you are unleash you. Your fighting is different than my fighting.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
I'm not saying one is better than the other.
Speaker 4 (15:06):
I'm just saying I don't tolerate and take the way
you fight.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
Well, so because you shut down, well it's not that
I shut down.
Speaker 4 (15:19):
I'm willing to talk to you because we did end
up talking. But I don't do attack mode. I won't
verbally attack because that is not constructive for me. Yeah,
so I will not you are your weapon is words.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
I don't do well with that.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
And I've said that to you many times when we
are in the fight, after the fight, and I've said
I cannot like that really wounds me.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
The words that you use.
Speaker 4 (15:48):
And I think that maybe that was either what you
saw I'm not saying with your parents, because I know
your you know your mom died when you were fourteen,
but maybe and I think I've seen it with your siblings.
You guys attack verbally, and so it was what you
were taught. And then as soon as you release all
(16:11):
of let's just call it venom or whatever the words
that you use, within thirty minutes, literally thirty minutes later,
you're like, well, hey, do you want to record that podcast?
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Uh No, I don't think. I'm still pissed off.
Speaker 4 (16:27):
I'm hurt and I'm pissed off and we need to
discuss it to get down to like no, and you
and believe me, we've been married for almost thirty two years.
I know how you operate. I know that you can
unload and unleash, and you can do that because you
(16:51):
feel that I'm that safe person to do it. Too,
just like everyone has everyone has a safe person, right,
it's typically our kids who they can say whatever they want.
They can come home and there's such good kids at school,
and there's such good kids at work, but then they
come home and they have to have someone. They have
to have that safe place that they can unload to.
(17:13):
And I am and I should be that safe person
for you. But I'm not your punching bag. So I yes,
you can say to me I'm frustrated when you say
to me, I don't want to talk about it. First
of all, you should just respect that at that moment
because and the rule should be I don't want to
(17:36):
talk about it now, but we can circle back to
this in twenty four hours and then I have to
follow through with that. Yeah, I mean that can be
a rule that we wait. That can be a rule
that we establish. That is a fair rule, because when
you come at me saying something and if I say,
I don't want to talk about it right now, fine,
(17:58):
but we're going to, but we are going to talk
about it.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
So you told me that you think that I learned
my fighting from my family. Where did you learn your shutting.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
Down my parents?
Speaker 2 (18:09):
So they would shut down and would they ever go
back to things.
Speaker 4 (18:13):
Well, I don't know. I never saw my parents. My
parents never fought in front of me. But because that's
because their parents horribly fought in front of them. Yea,
so they vowed that that was never going to happen
in their household. Yeah, so what they did was the
extreme opposite. So my parents is like, I still talk
to them about it, and they'll say, we never taught
(18:36):
you how to really constructively have a fight where there's
you know, a beginning, a middle, and an end to
a fight. Someone's hurt and they're upset. And not that
you need to sit there and watch your parents fight,
but you also need to understand you.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Need to see how they get through it.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
For sure, and not the bad ones.
Speaker 4 (18:58):
It's not what I'm saying, but you know, it's okay
to see your parents struggle. It's okay to see there
be you know, a little bit of heat, a little
bit of and then they work through it and then
you realize it's not the end of the world. And
you know, I always I think all the time, like
when the boys would say to me if I was,
you know, raising my voice, and.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
They would say, stop stop yelling. At me. You're yelling
at me, and I would say, I'm not yelling at you,
is yelling at you like I would.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
You know, I think that I was not taught by
the way. You know, I don't know who is taught
properly how to fight. Maybe that's what counseling is for.
I don't know, But the bottom line is you come
into a relationship with the toolbox that you have. I
have my toolbox. We're both short a bunch of tools.
(19:49):
But we've got to figure out how to still mend offense.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
You know, the interesting things you bring up with the
boys and how I argue or fight with you. The boys,
especially Luke kind of is like this will have one
of those blow up moments like I had, and you
(20:15):
are always really he needs to be able to let
it out. He needs to be able to get it out,
and that is your way. He's got this inside of him.
It's only healthy for him to bring it out. In
a lot of cases when it's the frustration that I
felt last night. There's nothing worse than we're having a
normal conversation. We bring up I bring up something that
(20:39):
is important and heavy, sure, and something that is really
something that we need to focus on in our family
and yours in my relationship, and then all of a
sudden to be able to go. I don't want to
talk about it, going from you know, seventy miles an
hour to all of a sudden, you know, the traffic
(21:01):
stops in front of you and you slam on your
brakes and now you're stuck in the middle of you
know nothing and being told that this is not going
to happen. I think there has to be some kind
of a happy medium, because I think the I don't
want to talk about it, we're waiting twenty four hours
is not necessarily fair. And I think that the reason
is not necessarily fair is that there has to be
(21:22):
a level of let's finish what we were talking about.
We don't have I don't want to get into the
weeds of this, but I we'll wrap it up tomorrow,
because stopping and just not doing it discounts everything that
I'm trying to have a conversation.
Speaker 4 (21:39):
Don't start a heated discussion with me, literally while we're
supposed to start a podcast.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
But it wasn't heated until you made it heated by
stopping it.
Speaker 4 (21:49):
It really was, actually, but I didn't say anything. It
made it heated for.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
You, it may be for me. Yeah, because we were
having a normal conversation and literally it was we were laughing,
having a great.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
Time, normal conversation, and you took it to a level
one hundred. I said, I don't want to have this
conversation right now. We literally were starting the literally starting
the podcast.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
So because just because it's.
Speaker 4 (22:13):
Important to you at that moment, and just because it's
a level one hundred for you at that moment, does
not mean it is for me. So to be fair
in that moment, just because you want to finish that
discussion at that moment, it doesn't have to happen at
that moment. There are two in this discussion, not just one.
So I need to be able to participate in that discussion.
(22:36):
We literally were starting the podcast. It's not the time
for it. It really isn't the time for it.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
I think what I need to do.
Speaker 3 (22:43):
So it's not discounting you.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Well, it's how I felt so well, but.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Take a step back and realize, not the moment, not
the time.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
I think what I have to do is when we
get to this, because this has been something that we've
dealt with before in the past is I think that
I had to go, Well, let let me finish what
I'm trying to say. This is not talking about it.
This is me getting my thought out and then say
all right, I'm and pull out a paper and a pen,
(23:12):
going we're talking about this tomorrow. This is where I
left and I because otherwise what happens is and it
happened with this argument. Argument that we got into or
the argument that started is we haven't even talked about it.
So it's been twenty four hours and we still haven't
talked about it. And it's something that has come up
multiple times in our relationship, and it's one of those
things where I feel like it never gets taken care of.
(23:36):
And then what it turned into was you and I
got into a fight, and then it was everything from
all of our past that has been you know, bad,
got brought back up in our you know relationship, or
got brought back up the stuff that we've talked about
(23:57):
in counseling and everything like that, and it's things that
it's never changed, that has never changed. Okay, Yeah, and
it became a it became a ship. We need to
go back to therapy.
Speaker 4 (24:09):
Well, so here's the when you say to someone, and
this is a two way street. But when I have
said to you, these are a couple a couple of
reoccurring things that have happened in our marriage from day one,
day one, nothing new. I'm not springing anything new on you.
So these are the These are my reoccurring highlights of
(24:31):
what I need from you and what I need you
to change.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
And when I it's glaring, it's the the light is shining.
Speaker 4 (24:41):
This is it's a couple of things I've asked to
change and a couple of things that I've told you
that have really hurt me, that have changed me.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
To the wife that I am now. Fair Is that
fair to say?
Speaker 2 (24:54):
I think that, Yeah, into the husband I probably am
all right now.
Speaker 4 (24:57):
So this is just about me right now, and you
can come back and say how horrible of a person
I am right after. But what I'm saying is these
are the things that I and I think that this
is very common in relationships, by the way, which is
why I don't mind talking about this. I won't go
into the nitty gritty of what it is between you
and I, but I will say say, there are a
(25:18):
couple of things that I have asked of you simple,
I think, but things that you can't do for whatever reason,
whether you don't want to, you don't know how, you don't, whatever,
But it hasn't been done in almost thirty or two years.
So when I ask you for, in my opinion, simple
(25:38):
things that I need you to do to make me
feel loved, secure, whatever in our relationship, and you don't
do it, that's going to turn me into a certain person.
It's not going to make me stop loving you, but
it's going to make me feel but it will turn
to how I feel. It turns me into a certain person. Okay,
(26:05):
he can't do this for me, but yet I feel
I'm doing all of this for him. I know what
I've sacrificed in this marriage. I also know what I've
gotten from this marriage that I feel I have vocalized
to you multiple times, good things that I've said to you.
(26:26):
But I also you know, there are things that may
not be big to other people, but they're big to me.
It may not be a big deal to you what
I'm asking of you, but it's a big deal to me.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
So when you want and then you turn it.
Speaker 4 (26:41):
Around and you say, well, I don't get this from you.
You don't give me this. You know it's a meeting
in the middle. You know we're both playing tug awar.
You're not giving me this, so I'm not going to
give you this. Well, we somehow have to meet in
the mid. I'm not being fulfilled in these areas of
(27:03):
my marriage that I'm asking you to fill.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
You don't do it.
Speaker 4 (27:08):
So then why am I going to be vulnerable and
give you what you say you.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
Need when you don't give me what I need. So,
whether it's.
Speaker 4 (27:19):
Intentional unintentional, I think it's both. I think that I
know that you and I are there for each other
when we meet each other in a crisis moment. I
know that you and I enjoy being around each other.
But I also know that we're struggling, you know, and
(27:46):
do I think it's the end of the world. No,
I told you last night. I can coast the rest
of my life like this. I really can. I've made
it this far. I've been with you since I was seventeen.
I've asked you for a couple of things. I haven't
got them. So I can live I'm fifty one. If
(28:07):
I can live seventeen to fifty one with not getting
those things, I guess I can live the rest of
my life that way, But don't expect me to bend
to what you want when you're not giving me what
I need and what I ask for.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
And I think that that's, like you said, a very
relatable thing for anybody that is listening in their relationship.
And I think that usually both spouses are feeling that.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
One hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (28:33):
And the sad part is there are things that you've
said that you need, and there are things that I've
said that I've need I need, and maybe you're waiting
for me to give what you need, and I'm waiting
for you to give what I need because I need
to feel safe. I need to know that what I'm
asking for is going to be there, and I know
so far it hasn't been there.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
Now again, can I live the rest of my life
like this? Yeah? I can.
Speaker 4 (29:01):
It's not like I'm in this horrific marriage where what
do you.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
How would you rank them? Our marriage right now?
Speaker 3 (29:09):
Today?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Yeah, yesterday might be a little different.
Speaker 4 (29:14):
Well, here's the thing though, I think behind the scenes
really like and again, I don't feel comfortable laying everything
out on the table because I do like to have
some privacy to my life. We are behind the scenes
going through some some other things. Yeah, and when push
comes to shove, I know you're there, but I see
(29:37):
how you're there for other people in your life, and
I'm jealous because you're not.
Speaker 3 (29:43):
You've never been there for me that way.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
I've never been or not been consistently.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Not consistently. I feel like I have to ask for
a lot of it.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
I or have a moment of tragedy that comes into play.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
Well.
Speaker 4 (30:02):
And by the way, I'm a very strong person. Like
one thing you said to me was that I'm the
man in this relationship.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
And what I've said.
Speaker 4 (30:12):
To you back was you've made me be the man
in the relationship, so which I think again can be
very common in relationships, Like there are things that you know,
a relationship is not a dictatorship by the way, like
you said, you take choices away from me and decisions
(30:33):
away from me. You know, the thing is is there
has to be two of us, and there are two
of us making a lot of the decisions. You also
though were gone at work when a lot of the
decisions had to be made. Did you want me to
call you all the time for a lot of these decisions?
And or I can tell you right now how that
(30:53):
would work. One you wouldn't answer your phone.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
You're bringing up so you're bringing up some of the
argument that we had. I'm t I think people are
kind of wondering what you're talking about.
Speaker 4 (31:01):
I'm just saying this is one example. Like and I
feel that this is a common thread. I feel that
most men feel that they are not the man in
the relationship the woman makes all the decisions, when truly
the big decisions have been made by both of us. Yeah,
whether you choose to forget that or whatever, our big
decisions have always been made together. Little decisions, yes, have
(31:25):
been made by me. But that's just by design. You're
at work, I'm at home.
Speaker 3 (31:30):
Like there are. I'm not going to call you every
time and.
Speaker 4 (31:33):
Be like, hey, I know you're working, can you just
I need to know this, like there are things that
you try. I trust in you to make some decisions,
and you trusted me to make some decisions.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
I think that you have definitely said your piece. There's
probably a lot more that you could go to, but
we're at that thirty minute mark right now.
Speaker 3 (31:52):
Of course we are.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
But I also have listened a lot and heard you
and heard what you're talking about, and you're shit. But
I'm just kidding. I think that I hear you, and
I think that one of the things that your parents
and my parents failed at was showing us how to fight.
I hate to say it, my dad and mom never fought.
(32:15):
I never saw them fight, but a lot of it
was I don't think my dad was going to fight
with a woman who was sick.
Speaker 4 (32:19):
For me, that's really fine, But you learned how to
fight from somewhere. Yeah, And I got to tell you,
by the way, I'm not saying my way to fight
is right, but your way is awful, and you've got
to work.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
On that well. And I think that your way is
just as awful. I hate to say this, but I
think shutting down and not having the ability to be
able to make it a person feel like all of
a sudden you're ignoring them is tough. I mean, I
think that if we asked a therapist, which would be great,
We should have a therapist on and have this conversation,
but it would be really interesting to see what they
(32:53):
say of you know, in a competition. By the way, No,
I'm not trying to make it a competition, but I'm
saying but feels like they're not heard, and another person
feels like they're being yelled.
Speaker 4 (33:02):
At, not even yell that Tom verbally.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
Attacked, Well, I don't think I was verbally attacking. Well.
Speaker 4 (33:10):
I think we won't get into the weeds of it.
But I'm telling you that's how.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
It because I think you're making me look like I'm
a total asshole.
Speaker 4 (33:18):
And okay, you're not a total asshole, but I'm telling
you when you say that, when you fight that way
like this is what it does to me. And it
does make me completely shut down completely because that and
then you know, it's just a vicious cycle that we're
not and I agree. I don't want to have a
therapist on the show that we give. I said to
(33:38):
you last night, ask your therapist when you say this,
and when you've done this, ask me if a therapist
tell me what the therapist says. Does a therapist say
that is constructive and that's going to make your wife
open right up to you, or would the therapist say
probably not a good idea. I understand that you're frustrated.
(34:00):
I'm not taking away from the fact that you were
frustrated from me saying I don't want to talk about it.
Speaker 3 (34:05):
But by the way, that.
Speaker 4 (34:06):
Doesn't warrant you to come full fledged at me the
way that you did, Like that's going to that's not
going to make me say, you know what, You're right,
let's talk about it right now, Let's put all the
equipment away and let's talk about it. No, it's going
to make me go even further away from you, like
if you if you you draw, what is that you
(34:27):
get more bees with?
Speaker 3 (34:28):
Honey?
Speaker 4 (34:29):
So let's and by the way, and I again again,
again again, I'm not saying that what I do is write.
I'm just telling you, if you want to have a
conversation with me, you need to come at me a
different way period like a podcast.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Good lord? Yeah, are we married in five years? Because
I just want to know, because like we went back
to the whole thing, like if I knew when my
life was going to be over with with the choice,
all right,
Welcome to the We Don't Podcast, starring husband and wife
Mojo from Mojo in the Morning and his better half Chelsea.
On this episode.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Coming up on this episode of the We Don't Podcast,
We're a little late with this particular podcast. The release
date should have happened, what a day ago or so.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
Yeah, but you know, extenuating happened.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Extenuating circumstances. We'll talk about it.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Well, all right, all right, all right, without further delay,
here are Mojo and Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
All right, I got to talk about a couple of things.
Number one, I want to talk about this. We posted
on our social media. Actually, you posted on our social
media right after you got done with getting a Was
it a scan that was done? And by the way,
you looked beautiful in that post? Did I tell you
(01:06):
how beautiful you looked?
Speaker 4 (01:07):
You did not, but several of your listeners said that
I glowed. Oh, I appreciate that. It's the Korean skincare
via TikTok that I'm obsessed with.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
Thank you Amazon.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
That was a tough day for you, and it was
a lot tougher than you even told me it was.
Speaker 4 (01:25):
Yeah, you don't know, you you don't know until you're
in it. I think that people who have had cancer
treatment or I can't. I can't think of another thing,
you know, or a reason why you have to have
constant monitoring after you have the PTSD of are they
(01:46):
going to find something? And if they do, what does
that look like? And and a lot of people either
sent me private messages or said, you know on the
posts that you know, it's real and sometimes it goes
away and sometimes it doesn't.
Speaker 3 (02:03):
And I think.
Speaker 4 (02:06):
It's out of my control because I thought, Okay, I'm
going to handle it a certain way.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
But literally, when you're getting this scan.
Speaker 4 (02:16):
I remember when I was getting my MRI, the preventative MRI,
and thinking, of course they're going to find nothing. If
they find anything, that's going to be your scan, not
my scan. So I just, you know, was watching Tires
on Netflix because Joe had told us to watch that show,
(02:37):
and so I was watching that show, and I remember
just like praying every once in a while because it
was an hour a little over an hour and doing
little prayers like Okay, God, if there's something here, bring
it to light, you know, let's just make sure that
if there's something, we find it. And then they found something,
(03:00):
so it's you know, so I am mindful. I still
say that prayer. I said that prayer with my other scan,
and I say it when I get my blood work.
I the reality for me is it's not if it's
when they find something. Unfortunately, which is the reality with
a lot of cancer patients, you know, Unfortunately it does
(03:22):
come back. So I have so I the and it
could be months or it could be years for cancer
to come back for me, but it will come back, unfortunately.
So my mindset is I try to get into and
you know we've said this before, but I want to
(03:44):
be prepared and I don't want to have that kick
in the gut where it's like, Okay, we found.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
Something, how are you feeling right now?
Speaker 4 (03:58):
So I have my appointment with my in college on Thursday,
so yeah, we'll go from there.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Okay, Yeah, I I don't know what it is because
you're you're doing that test. I've done some tests and
stuff like that. We both are going to doctors. Yeah,
and ours are different circumstances. Yours is cancer minds hard stuff,
and I don't know what it is that if it's
(04:26):
in you tell me how you how you feel about this?
For me, it's I look at the years of my
life right now, and I look at what I have lived,
and I've lived a great life. You have also, But
I also want to know, like, okay, what is going on?
(04:48):
What is going to happen? Like I wish I had.
I almost wish I knew the outcome of what life
was going to be so that it could tell me,
you know what, what the just go.
Speaker 4 (05:01):
Well, so here's the short outcome of it. So we're
all going to die. But no, but let me just
say this, yeah, because when you say that, I think
it's really important that you I mean, so I learned
that with this cancer and stuff that came with it,
(05:21):
you realize your mortality. I'm sure you realize that with
your open heart surgery. You know, we're not going to
live forever. We we could die. I mean, reality is,
you could live on this earth hours to you.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
Know, many many many, many many.
Speaker 4 (05:38):
Years that you're there's a Bible verse that before you
were born, God knows the amount of days that you
are going to live. And I'm probably saying it wrong,
and the amount of hairs that will be on your head,
and like your your your your book is already written.
So we're all going to die. So that's what that's
(05:59):
what the future is. You don't know when, but you
can decide every day when you wake up. It's a choice,
and I can decide, I can, you can, We all
can decide that we're going to live this day to
the fullest. But by the way, if it's the ship
date of the shit day, it's okay to sit in
the shit day I've had. I've had a lot of
them lately, and I sit in them and I let
(06:20):
myself feel them, and then I try to tell myself, Okay,
tomorrow's a new day. If it's still shitty, I'll let
myself sit in the shit again.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
But I don't.
Speaker 4 (06:30):
I try not to have it more than two days
in a row because life is short and I what
I can't control is what's going to happen to me.
I cannot control when this cancer comes back. I can't
control where. I can't control how what's going to happen.
I cannot That is out of my control. What I
can control is how I handle it. So I'll either.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Run in and it's okay if I decide to run into.
Speaker 4 (06:56):
A hole and cry for a couple of days or whatever,
because that is really because life is unfair and it
really sucks sometimes. But then I can try to change that.
And there's silver linings in every single shit storm that
we have. What it is silver lining. The silver lining
(07:16):
in my ovarian cancer is that life is short.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
And I've learned that, and I'm learning that.
Speaker 4 (07:22):
I cannot control everything, which is very hard for me.
I cannot control everything, but I can control some things.
So I'm going what I can control, I'll work on that.
The things I can't control, I gotta let go, Let
go and let God. For me, that is something that
you know, I understand. Not everyone is religious or believes
in God. For me, that is how I deal with it.
(07:44):
For me, it brought me extreme comfort every single time
someone said I'm praying for you like that, Literally that
can make me emotional. It brought me to my knees
that people would even say my name in prayer, because
to me, that is so powerful.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
It meant the world to me.
Speaker 4 (08:07):
Now, I cannot control when my life ends. I you
know in my brain it's going to be cancer that
takes me up, but it could be a car accident,
it could be hard, it could be so many other things.
What I can do is just try to live my
life every day the best I can. Will I fail, Yes,
I'm human. I'm not going to do it the best way,
(08:29):
but I'm gonna try. You know, I'm going to try
because I've been given a gift.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
See I am. I believe you know that God has
the plan for us. But I know when I say
this to you, you you know, as opposite of what
you said. I want to know when it is, because
then I want to know that if that's the case,
then I can let go of you know, the waking
up at three point thirty in the morning and the
(08:55):
mundane bullshit.
Speaker 4 (08:57):
That I do focs that you wake up every day
at three throw the more Like, I know you hate
the time that you wake up, But if you were
to look back on your life, don't you think that
you've really enjoyed.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
I have your courage. I loved it. I loved it.
I used to love winter too, gift, but I got
to be honest with you. I fucking hate you know what.
Speaker 3 (09:15):
I know who a lot of people do.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
That's really hard to step outside and it's below zero
and it hurts to breathe and it hurts to you know.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
I mean, I wish I could have I wish I
could have the uh And this is the analogy of
you know, life in general. But I wish I could
have the spirit of a child, where the spirit of
a child is it's a huge snow day and it's
cold as hell outside and they go outside just bundled
up and have the time of their lives and don't
(09:44):
even think about the fact of what the temperature is.
Speaker 4 (09:47):
Part of that is a choice, though, and part of
that is you've had the reality of life that has
turned you a little bit sour on it, so try
to it's a choice to look at the beauty of it,
you know, the beauty. Find the beauty in some things.
And I don't know if you remember this, but I
(10:10):
remember I bought you a blank journal one time and
I said to you, just write down one to three
positive things. Do you remember that I did this one
to three positive things a day, and that happened to
you that day, and then the next day one to
three again, and then before you know it, you're going
(10:32):
to start every day. Then you could probably add a
couple more. And it's it's a mindset. And listen, there
might be days that there's nothing and that's okay to
have nothing.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
I mean, I truly believe that.
Speaker 4 (10:43):
It's not like you're going to stick a ball of
sunshine up your ass and you're going to be happy
every day. That it's impossible. But I think that a
lot of it, truly is a lot of it is mindset. Yeah,
and I should live by my own words with this.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Let's talk about that.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
Well, No, I should. Yeah, it's easier for me to
dole it out to other people. I try. I should.
Speaker 4 (11:07):
I give this that I given this advice to Joe.
I've you know, like there's.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Just how much of me do you see in Joe
every day you talk to me? Yeah, it's pretty good.
Our good friend Tim Richards gave me an app that
I used to do, and it's probably still around, but
I never, you know, have used it in a long time.
But I did it for a good period of time.
Do you remember it. It was an app that you
take a picture of something beautiful that day and then
(11:34):
you log and document why you were there and what
you were doing. You're in it somewhere if I find it.
I think it's called the Day's App or something like that. Yeah,
I don't know. I'll have to find out from Tim
what the name of it is, but it was, it was.
It was actually a really cool app it was. It
(11:54):
was a neat thing and I'm sure it's still around
in some way, shape or former. There's another version of it.
But with the pictures came like what you gave me,
which was that you know, mole skin to be able
to write in it gave you the visual of what
it was. And this does it for me all the time.
I open up my Facebook sometimes and it's my yeah memories,
(12:17):
and I think my memory today one of the coolest
memories that I had today that came up was a
memory from Joe going to school and you remember when
he wrote my mom's name on his gym shoes from
and he wrote Grandma Carballo on there, and it was
(12:38):
I think it was ten years ago, would that be right?
Joe in high school? Ten years ago he graduated, Okay,
so maybe it was a lot longer than that, but yeah,
it was pretty wild. Okay. So let's hope that the
doctor's appointment with your on collegest is great and let's
you know, pray for everything with that. Let's also talk
about why we are late doing this podcast. Because we
(13:02):
were having a great night on Sunday, at least I
thought it was great. We ate dinner, we actually had
some really good conversation, got involved in some stuff, talking
about some stuff, and then you and I got into
a really bad argument with each other. Actually it wasn't
an argument. It was a fight, and it was bad.
And it got to me raising my voice and being
(13:24):
all pissed off and you know, swearing and things like that,
and then it led to you and I then having
long conversations.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
But there's one thing that I cannot handle when we fight,
and it's like the mean words that come. I feel
like we're adults and we can fight. Yeah, but I
don't go low. I like to keep our arguments. I
like to think that I like to keep our arguments
at a certain level.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
You do something that pisses me off a lot.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
Well, I'm not sure I do.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
The thing that you do is I don't want to
talk about it. I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want
to talk about it. And then when you do the
I don't want to talk about it, which I get
you don't want to talk about it because you don't
want to get into a bigger fight. All that is
is like fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Can you
do that? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (14:14):
So when I what you know, and we're not going
to get into the weeds of it because no one cares.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
But here's the thing.
Speaker 4 (14:22):
Literally, we were setting up the equipment to record our podcast.
You brought something up to me and I immediately said
I don't want to talk about it, and you said, okay,
but you came in with another thing and I said,
I said I don't want to talk about it, and
you said, I get it.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
But and then and then I lost.
Speaker 4 (14:44):
My cool and I said, I said I don't want
to talk about it, and then it then that makes
you mad, and then you come at me with some
horrible words that I don't care for. This is how
you are unleash you. Your fighting is different than my fighting.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
I'm not saying one is better than the other.
Speaker 4 (15:06):
I'm just saying I don't tolerate and take the way
you fight.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
Well, so because you shut down, well it's not that
I shut down.
Speaker 4 (15:19):
I'm willing to talk to you because we did end
up talking. But I don't do attack mode. I won't
verbally attack because that is not constructive for me. Yeah,
so I will not you are your weapon is words.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
I don't do well with that.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
And I've said that to you many times when we
are in the fight, after the fight, and I've said
I cannot like that really wounds me.
Speaker 3 (15:47):
The words that you use.
Speaker 4 (15:48):
And I think that maybe that was either what you
saw I'm not saying with your parents, because I know
your you know your mom died when you were fourteen,
but maybe and I think I've seen it with your siblings.
You guys attack verbally, and so it was what you
were taught. And then as soon as you release all
(16:11):
of let's just call it venom or whatever the words
that you use, within thirty minutes, literally thirty minutes later,
you're like, well, hey, do you want to record that podcast?
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Uh No, I don't think. I'm still pissed off.
Speaker 4 (16:27):
I'm hurt and I'm pissed off and we need to
discuss it to get down to like no, and you
and believe me, we've been married for almost thirty two years.
I know how you operate. I know that you can
unload and unleash, and you can do that because you
(16:51):
feel that I'm that safe person to do it. Too,
just like everyone has everyone has a safe person, right,
it's typically our kids who they can say whatever they want.
They can come home and there's such good kids at school,
and there's such good kids at work, but then they
come home and they have to have someone. They have
to have that safe place that they can unload to.
(17:13):
And I am and I should be that safe person
for you. But I'm not your punching bag. So I yes,
you can say to me I'm frustrated when you say
to me, I don't want to talk about it. First
of all, you should just respect that at that moment
because and the rule should be I don't want to
(17:36):
talk about it now, but we can circle back to
this in twenty four hours and then I have to
follow through with that. Yeah, I mean that can be
a rule that we wait. That can be a rule
that we establish. That is a fair rule, because when
you come at me saying something and if I say,
I don't want to talk about it right now, fine,
(17:58):
but we're going to, but we are going to talk
about it.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
So you told me that you think that I learned
my fighting from my family. Where did you learn your shutting.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
Down my parents?
Speaker 2 (18:09):
So they would shut down and would they ever go
back to things.
Speaker 4 (18:13):
Well, I don't know. I never saw my parents. My
parents never fought in front of me. But because that's
because their parents horribly fought in front of them. Yea,
so they vowed that that was never going to happen
in their household. Yeah, so what they did was the
extreme opposite. So my parents is like, I still talk
to them about it, and they'll say, we never taught
(18:36):
you how to really constructively have a fight where there's
you know, a beginning, a middle, and an end to
a fight. Someone's hurt and they're upset. And not that
you need to sit there and watch your parents fight,
but you also need to understand you.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Need to see how they get through it.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
For sure, and not the bad ones.
Speaker 4 (18:58):
It's not what I'm saying, but you know, it's okay
to see your parents struggle. It's okay to see there
be you know, a little bit of heat, a little
bit of and then they work through it and then
you realize it's not the end of the world. And
you know, I always I think all the time, like
when the boys would say to me if I was,
you know, raising my voice, and.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
They would say, stop stop yelling. At me. You're yelling
at me, and I would say, I'm not yelling at you,
is yelling at you like I would.
Speaker 4 (19:29):
You know, I think that I was not taught by
the way. You know, I don't know who is taught
properly how to fight. Maybe that's what counseling is for.
I don't know, But the bottom line is you come
into a relationship with the toolbox that you have. I
have my toolbox. We're both short a bunch of tools.
(19:49):
But we've got to figure out how to still mend offense.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
You know, the interesting things you bring up with the
boys and how I argue or fight with you. The boys,
especially Luke kind of is like this will have one
of those blow up moments like I had, and you
(20:15):
are always really he needs to be able to let
it out. He needs to be able to get it out,
and that is your way. He's got this inside of him.
It's only healthy for him to bring it out. In
a lot of cases when it's the frustration that I
felt last night. There's nothing worse than we're having a
normal conversation. We bring up I bring up something that
(20:39):
is important and heavy, sure, and something that is really
something that we need to focus on in our family
and yours in my relationship, and then all of a
sudden to be able to go. I don't want to
talk about it, going from you know, seventy miles an
hour to all of a sudden, you know, the traffic
(21:01):
stops in front of you and you slam on your
brakes and now you're stuck in the middle of you
know nothing and being told that this is not going
to happen. I think there has to be some kind
of a happy medium, because I think the I don't
want to talk about it, we're waiting twenty four hours
is not necessarily fair. And I think that the reason
is not necessarily fair is that there has to be
(21:22):
a level of let's finish what we were talking about.
We don't have I don't want to get into the
weeds of this, but I we'll wrap it up tomorrow,
because stopping and just not doing it discounts everything that
I'm trying to have a conversation.
Speaker 4 (21:39):
Don't start a heated discussion with me, literally while we're
supposed to start a podcast.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
But it wasn't heated until you made it heated by
stopping it.
Speaker 4 (21:49):
It really was, actually, but I didn't say anything. It
made it heated for.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
You, it may be for me. Yeah, because we were
having a normal conversation and literally it was we were laughing,
having a great.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
Time, normal conversation, and you took it to a level
one hundred. I said, I don't want to have this
conversation right now. We literally were starting the literally starting
the podcast.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
So because just because it's.
Speaker 4 (22:13):
Important to you at that moment, and just because it's
a level one hundred for you at that moment, does
not mean it is for me. So to be fair
in that moment, just because you want to finish that
discussion at that moment, it doesn't have to happen at
that moment. There are two in this discussion, not just one.
So I need to be able to participate in that discussion.
(22:36):
We literally were starting the podcast. It's not the time
for it. It really isn't the time for it.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
I think what I need to do.
Speaker 3 (22:43):
So it's not discounting you.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Well, it's how I felt so well, but.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Take a step back and realize, not the moment, not
the time.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
I think what I have to do is when we
get to this, because this has been something that we've
dealt with before in the past is I think that
I had to go, Well, let let me finish what
I'm trying to say. This is not talking about it.
This is me getting my thought out and then say
all right, I'm and pull out a paper and a pen,
(23:12):
going we're talking about this tomorrow. This is where I
left and I because otherwise what happens is and it
happened with this argument. Argument that we got into or
the argument that started is we haven't even talked about it.
So it's been twenty four hours and we still haven't
talked about it. And it's something that has come up
multiple times in our relationship, and it's one of those
things where I feel like it never gets taken care of.
(23:36):
And then what it turned into was you and I
got into a fight, and then it was everything from
all of our past that has been you know, bad,
got brought back up in our you know relationship, or
got brought back up the stuff that we've talked about
(23:57):
in counseling and everything like that, and it's things that
it's never changed, that has never changed. Okay, Yeah, and
it became a it became a ship. We need to
go back to therapy.
Speaker 4 (24:09):
Well, so here's the when you say to someone, and
this is a two way street. But when I have
said to you, these are a couple a couple of
reoccurring things that have happened in our marriage from day one,
day one, nothing new. I'm not springing anything new on you.
So these are the These are my reoccurring highlights of
(24:31):
what I need from you and what I need you
to change.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
And when I it's glaring, it's the the light is shining.
Speaker 4 (24:41):
This is it's a couple of things I've asked to
change and a couple of things that I've told you
that have really hurt me, that have changed me.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
To the wife that I am now. Fair Is that
fair to say?
Speaker 2 (24:54):
I think that, Yeah, into the husband I probably am
all right now.
Speaker 4 (24:57):
So this is just about me right now, and you
can come back and say how horrible of a person
I am right after. But what I'm saying is these
are the things that I and I think that this
is very common in relationships, by the way, which is
why I don't mind talking about this. I won't go
into the nitty gritty of what it is between you
and I, but I will say say, there are a
(25:18):
couple of things that I have asked of you simple,
I think, but things that you can't do for whatever reason,
whether you don't want to, you don't know how, you don't, whatever,
But it hasn't been done in almost thirty or two years.
So when I ask you for, in my opinion, simple
(25:38):
things that I need you to do to make me
feel loved, secure, whatever in our relationship, and you don't
do it, that's going to turn me into a certain person.
It's not going to make me stop loving you, but
it's going to make me feel but it will turn
to how I feel. It turns me into a certain person. Okay,
(26:05):
he can't do this for me, but yet I feel
I'm doing all of this for him. I know what
I've sacrificed in this marriage. I also know what I've
gotten from this marriage that I feel I have vocalized
to you multiple times, good things that I've said to you.
(26:26):
But I also you know, there are things that may
not be big to other people, but they're big to me.
It may not be a big deal to you what
I'm asking of you, but it's a big deal to me.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
So when you want and then you turn it.
Speaker 4 (26:41):
Around and you say, well, I don't get this from you.
You don't give me this. You know it's a meeting
in the middle. You know we're both playing tug awar.
You're not giving me this, so I'm not going to
give you this. Well, we somehow have to meet in
the mid. I'm not being fulfilled in these areas of
(27:03):
my marriage that I'm asking you to fill.
Speaker 3 (27:06):
You don't do it.
Speaker 4 (27:08):
So then why am I going to be vulnerable and
give you what you say you.
Speaker 3 (27:14):
Need when you don't give me what I need. So,
whether it's.
Speaker 4 (27:19):
Intentional unintentional, I think it's both. I think that I
know that you and I are there for each other
when we meet each other in a crisis moment. I
know that you and I enjoy being around each other.
But I also know that we're struggling, you know, and
(27:46):
do I think it's the end of the world. No,
I told you last night. I can coast the rest
of my life like this. I really can. I've made
it this far. I've been with you since I was seventeen.
I've asked you for a couple of things. I haven't
got them. So I can live I'm fifty one. If
(28:07):
I can live seventeen to fifty one with not getting
those things, I guess I can live the rest of
my life that way, But don't expect me to bend
to what you want when you're not giving me what
I need and what I ask for.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
And I think that that's, like you said, a very
relatable thing for anybody that is listening in their relationship.
And I think that usually both spouses are feeling that.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
One hundred percent.
Speaker 4 (28:33):
And the sad part is there are things that you've
said that you need, and there are things that I've
said that I've need I need, and maybe you're waiting
for me to give what you need, and I'm waiting
for you to give what I need because I need
to feel safe. I need to know that what I'm
asking for is going to be there, and I know
so far it hasn't been there.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
Now again, can I live the rest of my life
like this? Yeah? I can.
Speaker 4 (29:01):
It's not like I'm in this horrific marriage where what
do you.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
How would you rank them? Our marriage right now?
Speaker 3 (29:09):
Today?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Yeah, yesterday might be a little different.
Speaker 4 (29:14):
Well, here's the thing though, I think behind the scenes
really like and again, I don't feel comfortable laying everything
out on the table because I do like to have
some privacy to my life. We are behind the scenes
going through some some other things. Yeah, and when push
comes to shove, I know you're there, but I see
(29:37):
how you're there for other people in your life, and
I'm jealous because you're not.
Speaker 3 (29:43):
You've never been there for me that way.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
I've never been or not been consistently.
Speaker 3 (29:49):
Not consistently. I feel like I have to ask for
a lot of it.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
I or have a moment of tragedy that comes into play.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
Well.
Speaker 4 (30:02):
And by the way, I'm a very strong person. Like
one thing you said to me was that I'm the
man in this relationship.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
And what I've said.
Speaker 4 (30:12):
To you back was you've made me be the man
in the relationship, so which I think again can be
very common in relationships, Like there are things that you know,
a relationship is not a dictatorship by the way, like
you said, you take choices away from me and decisions
(30:33):
away from me. You know, the thing is is there
has to be two of us, and there are two
of us making a lot of the decisions. You also
though were gone at work when a lot of the
decisions had to be made. Did you want me to
call you all the time for a lot of these decisions?
And or I can tell you right now how that
(30:53):
would work. One you wouldn't answer your phone.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
You're bringing up so you're bringing up some of the
argument that we had. I'm t I think people are
kind of wondering what you're talking about.
Speaker 4 (31:01):
I'm just saying this is one example. Like and I
feel that this is a common thread. I feel that
most men feel that they are not the man in
the relationship the woman makes all the decisions, when truly
the big decisions have been made by both of us. Yeah,
whether you choose to forget that or whatever, our big
decisions have always been made together. Little decisions, yes, have
(31:25):
been made by me. But that's just by design. You're
at work, I'm at home.
Speaker 3 (31:30):
Like there are. I'm not going to call you every
time and.
Speaker 4 (31:33):
Be like, hey, I know you're working, can you just
I need to know this, like there are things that
you try. I trust in you to make some decisions,
and you trusted me to make some decisions.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
I think that you have definitely said your piece. There's
probably a lot more that you could go to, but
we're at that thirty minute mark right now.
Speaker 3 (31:52):
Of course we are.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
But I also have listened a lot and heard you
and heard what you're talking about, and you're shit. But
I'm just kidding. I think that I hear you, and
I think that one of the things that your parents
and my parents failed at was showing us how to fight.
I hate to say it, my dad and mom never fought.
(32:15):
I never saw them fight, but a lot of it
was I don't think my dad was going to fight
with a woman who was sick.
Speaker 4 (32:19):
For me, that's really fine, But you learned how to
fight from somewhere. Yeah, And I got to tell you,
by the way, I'm not saying my way to fight
is right, but your way is awful, and you've got
to work.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
On that well. And I think that your way is
just as awful. I hate to say this, but I
think shutting down and not having the ability to be
able to make it a person feel like all of
a sudden you're ignoring them is tough. I mean, I
think that if we asked a therapist, which would be great,
We should have a therapist on and have this conversation,
but it would be really interesting to see what they
(32:53):
say of you know, in a competition. By the way, No,
I'm not trying to make it a competition, but I'm
saying but feels like they're not heard, and another person
feels like they're being yelled.
Speaker 4 (33:02):
At, not even yell that Tom verbally.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
Attacked, Well, I don't think I was verbally attacking. Well.
Speaker 4 (33:10):
I think we won't get into the weeds of it.
But I'm telling you that's how.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
It because I think you're making me look like I'm
a total asshole.
Speaker 4 (33:18):
And okay, you're not a total asshole, but I'm telling
you when you say that, when you fight that way
like this is what it does to me. And it
does make me completely shut down completely because that and
then you know, it's just a vicious cycle that we're
not and I agree. I don't want to have a
therapist on the show that we give. I said to
(33:38):
you last night, ask your therapist when you say this,
and when you've done this, ask me if a therapist
tell me what the therapist says. Does a therapist say
that is constructive and that's going to make your wife
open right up to you, or would the therapist say
probably not a good idea. I understand that you're frustrated.
(34:00):
I'm not taking away from the fact that you were
frustrated from me saying I don't want to talk about it.
Speaker 3 (34:05):
But by the way, that.
Speaker 4 (34:06):
Doesn't warrant you to come full fledged at me the
way that you did, Like that's going to that's not
going to make me say, you know what, You're right,
let's talk about it right now, Let's put all the
equipment away and let's talk about it. No, it's going
to make me go even further away from you, like
if you if you you draw, what is that you
(34:27):
get more bees with?
Speaker 3 (34:28):
Honey?
Speaker 4 (34:29):
So let's and by the way, and I again again,
again again, I'm not saying that what I do is write.
I'm just telling you, if you want to have a
conversation with me, you need to come at me a
different way period like a podcast.
Speaker 2 (34:45):
Good lord? Yeah, are we married in five years? Because
I just want to know, because like we went back
to the whole thing, like if I knew when my
life was going to be over with with the choice,
all right,
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