March 23, 2026 • 35 mins
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the We Don't Podcast starring husband and wife
Mojo from Mojo in the Morning and his better half Chelsea.
On this episode.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Coming up on this episode of the Weedon Podcast, what
Chelsea brought into our marriage from her childhood that has
really screwed us?
Speaker 3 (00:27):
All up?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Oh, and what I brought into your childhood and how
it plays a part in your marriage being successful or
not successful? Coming up? Now?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Well, all right, all right, all right, without further delay,
here are Mojo and Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Okay, so we're going to talk about something that to
me actually seems like it would be a given. But
there I don't think a lot of people that understand
how your childhood plays a part in what kind of
marriage you're going to have and something that you may
have done to survive your childhood that you're still kind
(01:08):
of doing in your marriage that either maybe is helping
you survive your marriage or maybe hurting your marriage. Okay,
but when we talk about this, isn't it weird that
I think about our boys because all I keep thinking
of myself is, oh, my God, Like I don't think
about us, maybe because I kind of look at us.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Like a lost cause.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Well, or I look at us like, Okay, you know,
we've gone through our stuff. I've already known we've gone
through them, and we'll probably continue.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
To rely, We'll forever go through our stuff.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
But then I think of the boys, and I'm like, oh,
I just wish that we would have done something differently.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Sure, that's the hindsight. Yeah, you know, I wish I
would have enjoyed every moment more raising them. I wish
it would have been more present raising them. You know,
that's what hindsight is all about.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Yeah, well, insight for the boys, you're fucked. Good luck now,
But many relationships kind of have to deal with, you know,
things that are going on in the relationship. You know
how their spouse is in many of these things or
stuff that they.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Learned behavior from your childhood. Yeah, yeah, and give it.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Give us some examples of maybe where you think this
kind of comes into play.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
We're like with us, like, oh, well, I think I
think we all revert, whether you realize it or not,
you revert back to your childhood. You whether you realize
you were that was uh learning moment, but you know,
you go back to what makes you feel either secure
(02:50):
or it's explain I can't how do you explain it.
Your childhood forms who you are, right, whether it's good
or bad, and so you kind of go back to
whether it's good or bad behavior what you learned as
a kid, because that's how you learned conflict or resolution
(03:10):
or didn't learn it. That's how you learned what love was.
Whether it's right or not, that's what you learned love
should feel like. It either should feel great, or it
could feel anxiety ridden or it could feel stressful. But
that's that's what you learned love should feel like, and
so you seek that out and then you also go
(03:35):
back to that, I think as adults, because that's whether
you until you can if it's bad, until you can realize, Okay,
this is the feeling that I associate with love, and
if it's healthy or not, how do I fix that?
How do I get out of it? If it's not healthy,
how do I improve myself so I don't seek that
behavior or seek that type of love.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
You know, you and I both come from two day
forms of losses, right. We both come from a loss
loss of my mom through the death of her cancer,
the loss of your dad through him leaving. And it's
really wild to see how our families resolved or didn't
resolve both of those circumstances, you know, And a lot
(04:20):
of it is, you know, you either deal with it
or you avoid it, or you hope that it never
comes back up again, you know. And you and I
kind of have gone through literally both of our losses
in the times that we've been together. And yet I
didn't know your dad and you didn't know my.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Mom, you know, right well you got to meet him.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
But yes, yeah, a lot of people think that marriages
fall apart because of communication issues, intimacy issues, money issues,
or constant fighting. But a lot of the time those
are just like surface level symptoms that happen underneath it all.
It's obviously, you know, one of the things that you've
(05:04):
got to look at is what was learned behavior from
like your childhood, and then honestly what you were able
to kind of figure out because of your childhood. All Right,
you have a list of different types of people, you know,
things that people do to kind of cope, and you
want to go through them. But then you also want
(05:26):
us to then pick which ones.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
We think am I going through them by myself? Are
we taking turns to go through?
Speaker 2 (05:30):
We can go discrac whatever you want to do, do
the first one.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Okay, So the first one is the avoid. The partner
who became the avoid learned early that conflict was dangerous,
but they also learned that closeness could hurt. Getting close
may have been, may have meant being let down, criticized, smothered, controlled,
or emotionally overwhelmed. So now intention rises or their spouse
(05:54):
wants a deeper emotional connection, they pull back, shut down,
or disappear into themselves. They call it needing space or
staying calm, but underneath it self protection, and their spouse
is left feeling alone, shut out, and abandoned.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Who could that be?
Speaker 3 (06:10):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
I don't think it's you either. I was going to
see if you said it was me really not me,
but you, because I'm definitely not the avoid.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
I mean sometimes I avoid, for sure, but I don't.
I don't. I never learned that conflict was dangerous because
I was. My parents never fought in front of me,
so I didn't grow up. My parents grew up in
a very volatile home, both of them, so they're probably
(06:39):
more avoidance than I am.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
For sure, your parents never fought at all? Did you
ever ask them, like where they went, you.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
Could tell that they weren't fighting. They just quit. They
wouldn't talk. They were avoidance. They would not talk to
each other, and then they would write each other cards.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
I remember seeing, did they purposely do that because of
both of them families went through.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
I'm assuming yeah, they talked.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
That through because I never asked them that question.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
I did as an adult. And yeah, they did not
want us to grow up in a volatile home like
that at all. So if they you know, obviously they
would go and talk to each other in a different room.
But we never thought. We never heard them yell at
each other or anything like that, because again that's they
grew up in that and that must have been a
discussion before they got married. We will not do that
(07:27):
to the kids.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
And so my mom and dad fought one time only
as a kid, and I brought it up to my family,
you know, when we were all together, and it was
funny because a few people I remember that and then
like some like my sister passed like that never happened.
You know, Mom and dad never fought, but I remember
(07:47):
them like screaming and yelling and arguing, and we were
all upstairs in bed and I was young, but I
remember that my mom was really pissed at my dad
about something, and then I remember my dad would get
really upset and he would vocalize it about how my
mom's family was a pain in the ass because my
mom's you know, my uncle and my aunt and my
(08:10):
grandfather took a lot of her time, my mom's time, yea,
and my dad didn't like that we didn't have our
family time, that we always had to have them as
part of our family time. Which was interesting because when
I saw the relationship that your grandfather had with your family,
it reminded me of your grandfather and my grandfather's relationships
(08:30):
were very similar with how your mom and grandfather and
my mom and her father were to each other. The
next one the caretaker. The partner who became the caretaker
learned that love meant taking care of everyone else's needs
and emotions. So now they overfunction, take on too much responsibility,
(08:54):
and feel like it's their job to take care of everyone.
On the outside, they may seem loving, tendable, and selfless,
but inside they're exhausted. God, I'm this is you. Then
resentment comes into play. Confusion about love and responsibility come
into play. I'm reading this. I'm going this is Chelsea.
You should have read this book.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
That's you, that is me.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
How did you learn?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Well?
Speaker 3 (09:19):
I think part of that is I'm the first born,
so firstborn's kind of take on the caretaker role. Anyway,
my parents got divorced when I was young, so my
mom to keep our household afloat, she had to work
multiple jobs. My aunt came and moved in with us
with her kids. I came from a large family. My
(09:40):
mom's the oldest of nine. My mom was definitely the
caretaker in her family. Then. I think it was just
passed down to me. I just think that that's part
part of that is, you know, being a first born daughter.
I think because I don't. I wouldn't say first born
because look at Joe, and I would never say Joe.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
No, you have cousins that are first porn boys too,
don't you. That probably didn't take on.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
This role, right. I think it's probably more common in females,
but I'm sure it happens in males too, you know.
But yeah, I definitely I would relate to that one
for sure.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
When we first met, your brother was little, your mom
and dad, you know, adopted your.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Cousin, and he was really little.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
And you were always with him.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
Both my parents worked, so i'd have to babysit him.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
Yeah, I remember that our relationship started with you and
him being together all the time, which is one of
the reasons that it endeared me that you're going to
be a great mom. But it also probably was a
lot of pressure on you that you couldn't do it
a normal teenage.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
For sure, you know, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
What's the next one?
Speaker 3 (10:54):
So the next one is the achiever. The partner who
became the achiever learned that their worth came from doing, producing, succeeding, providing,
or holding everything together. So they stay busy, get things done,
carry responsibility, and keep pushing forward, but they often struggle
to slow down and emotionally connect. They give effort but
not presents. Their spouse may see how much they do
(11:16):
and still feel like they only get what's left over
after everything else has been taking. Why would I be smiling?
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Is this me? I think this one's me? And I
think the next one's me a little bit.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
Oh lord, I'm scared, but well I think you could listen.
You're not just one person like I think there's a
lot of traits. You can be multiple traits, multiple things
can be true at the same time.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
I told somebody the other day when they were asking me,
they were like, hey, what was it about you know
you that always was driven to to you know, be
successful in radio and to do things like that. And
I said, my biggest thing was I didn't have the
family life that most people had at home. Like I
think if I had mom and dad and house and
(12:01):
you know, all that stuff, like I had my room
and everything, I think I probably would still be looking
to achieve because I think it.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
Earlyst I didn't have that. You had that until you
were thirteen.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
For an, I didn't have that as a kid in
high school and then college to go home to. So
to me, I had to get like I felt like,
you got to be successful. Like I remember when I
first moved to Arizona from Chicago. That was really like
my move away from my sisters and you know, from
what I had there. And I thought to myself, if
(12:34):
I'm not successful, I don't know where I'm going to
go next, because I didn't think I can get back
down an airplane and go right back home. It was
you got to be successful, You got to do well,
and so I think that there was a bit of
that that kind of always has been with me, like
you you need to succeed, which does suck because I
(12:56):
do think that there is a huge level of me that,
like any of the things that you talked about in
there was that you often struggle was slowing down and
emotionally connecting to something that's a that's a big deal.
Like my presence is definitely not always felt.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
Well, that's for sure, your presence is not felt. I
think you connect. I think one special thing about you
is that you do connect. You connect with many different
people and many different like that you walk into a
room and you don't leave without knowing everyone's name and
what they do. You may get it wrong because you
make it up a little bit, but you do make
(13:35):
You can walk away from someone and making them feel
really special and making them feel heard. I think the
problem is when you come home. Maybe it's because I'm
not new. You know, you already know about me, like
it's hard to connect well. And so I just think
that that's where that has been one of our issues,
where it's like I could you know you'd want me
(13:57):
to go to things with you, but I'm you know,
I'm in the corner by myself, which I didn't. I'd
rather stay home, you know, I don't. I'm not the
person that will walk up to We just have different strengths.
I would much rather blend in. You like to stand
out like opposites at truct So.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Yeah, well that's how I first met you, right, walked
up to you and you said get away.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
I said, who cares?
Speaker 2 (14:22):
And you said who cares? Okay, the next one, the
people pleaser, the partner who became the people pleaser, learned
that keeping other people happy was safer than telling the truth.
So now in their marriage, they say yes when they
me know, they avoid controversies or conversations, excuse me, and
(14:43):
they try to keep the peace at any cost. But
the piece they create is often false. Underneath it, resentment
builds and their spouse ends up feeling disconnected because they
are never fully the real person that they are with.
I think that might be me too, Did I not
say that?
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Yeah? For sure? Yeah no, And I said I think
it could be multiple. You can take pick and choose
multiple of these, but that for sure resonates for you. You
are a complete, total people pleaser, Like there have been
times that I've asked you, I need you to be
on my side for this. I need you to defend
me on this. I need you to be in my
(15:24):
corner for this. And it's very difficult for you. Again.
Birth order, you're the baby of the family, so typically
the clown, the one that makes everyone laugh, the you know,
and so that has been your role since a child.
Your mom was diagnosed with cancer when you were eight.
(15:45):
You know, that's young. I can't imagine that. And so
a lot of a lot of I mean, whether you
realize it or not, you probably were trying to keep
everyone in your family, you know, because you were such
a and still are such a good source of joy
(16:07):
for your siblings. And you know, that was just a
role that you have continued to play. It's you do
not like conflict. You do not like at all. You
will avoid it at all.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
I like conflict if it's on the radio. I can
handle a spade.
Speaker 3 (16:24):
So that is true. That is so crazy, how you I.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Loved that conflict. I don't like conflict outside of the area.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
But it's funny. Take away the microphone. Would you want
that conflict in front of you with two people that
you you know, would you probably no, you wouldn't. I know,
you wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
I know. My problem is this that I feel sometimes
when conflict does arise in our life, you know, our friends' lives,
things like that, I'm like, are you kidding? Like I
literally sit there and go, why can't things just be
normal for a period of time. I feel like life
is like the news these days, where it's like cycles
(17:01):
of just crazy you know, shit that comes out, and
it's like, why can't things just be Why can't everybody
just be happy and be you know, in a good place.
Everybody's always got to look for conflict, and conflict arise,
you know, comes up all the time. And I think
that maybe it did back in the day and we
just didn't know about it because we just didn't talk
about it that much, you know, because we didn't have
social media.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
But I don't know, so media, it's awful. This next
one might be you and then here you go the fixer.
The partner who became the fixer learned that emotions were uncomfortable, unsafe, inconvenient,
or overwhelming, So instead of sitting with the discomfort of
the emotion present, they rushed to solve it. They try
to find the answer, give advice, explain things away, or
(17:42):
make the feeling go away as quickly as possible. But
if their spouse doesn't feel understood in those moments, they
feel managed. They feel like their emotional experience is something
being controlled instead of something their partner is willing to
sit in with them.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
This might be me again too. I first, I'm going, Okay,
this might be Chelsea. I just want her to have
another one too. Then I realized I think I got
the third.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
Oider there, I mean, which is fine? I do Most
men are fixers. Most men, in my opinion, most men
will half listen or they'll start to listen to your problem,
and then they're in or your concern and in their
head their wheels are running because they're just going to
try to solve it because they really don't want to
sit in and they want to move on to the
(18:26):
next thing. And you first sure can be a little
bit of a fixer too, for sure.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
I remember being in therapy once and it was one
of those therapy sessions with Rob who was our couples therapist,
and you were not there. Remember we did two separate
ones like where we each went separately, which is always weird,
like when the therapist goes, I want you guys each
here by yourself, because then I'm thinking to myself, oh,
(18:53):
you know what, I'm gonna be talked about like so negatively.
But then again, I think we both were pretty good
about talking about each.
Speaker 3 (18:59):
Other negatively in front of each other.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
But I remember him saying to me, all Chelsea wants
you to do when she is telling you something that's
really bothering her is to just go that sucks, like
that's all that those are like the only word. I go, no,
that's not the case, and he goes and I go,
she just doesn't want to have to you know, she
doesn't want to be in it, so I'm trying to
help her with He goes, no, and he was basically
(19:23):
explaining it to me. And then you said something to
me years after we went to therapy, and you're in
you because we reverted back to a situation where again,
all right, what can I do? You know, I'll make
some phone calls whatever the deal is, and she you go,
that's not the case. All I want you to do
is just listen to me and go that sucks.
Speaker 3 (19:42):
Majority of the time, you just want to be heard.
And I have to remember this with the boys too,
Like when they come to me and tell me something,
I really really because as their mom, I want to
jump in and fix it and give them advice and
tell them what they should do to make it better.
But truthfully, that's not giving them good problem solving skills,
like they they are capable of solving their own problems.
(20:03):
And I should feel, you know, honored that they feel
safe enough to come to me and say, hey, I'm
working through this, or and if they want my advice,
what do you think I should do? And I think
that that was one thing I felt with you. It's like,
if I want your advice, I'll say hey. If I
(20:24):
need your help, I'll say help me. But typically it's
just I need you to listen to this. And most
of the time I do want you to agree and
help me jump in with the problem and be on
my side. But other times it's okay if you don't
just be like you're right, that really sucks or gosh
that you know that's typically what I want. I don't
(20:46):
need you to solve it because I'm a pretty good solver.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Do the boys always come to you like they do?
Now like I feel like they now come to you
the best time that I ever knew about it, or maybe.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Well I just didn't share it with you before, but
they the best time time. The best time with the
kids would be in the car. And because it's like
unless we were doing our dance parties, which we would
like to do too, but would be in the car
and it was uninterrupted time because we could just sit
(21:17):
there and talk. And you know, typically if they were
in the back seat, it makes it a little bit
safer for them to tell me stuff because it's not
eye to eye contact. It's just very easy listen. Majority
of the time, they'd get in the car, how's your
day good? Any homework? No, anything happened? No, And then
they'd fall asleep. But there were also some amazing times
(21:42):
and amazing car rides with them. Boys are really hard
to pull things out of as they get older. But
I do feel fortunate enough. You know, it goes in cycles.
Luke right now will just call me out of the
blue and say, hey, this is going on and okay,
(22:02):
like I listen or and it's like it could be
a three minute phone conversation or a fifteen a funny
story or something serious. But he's a little bit more
opening up that door. And I think it's because we
like his girlfriend. The one before it was a little
(22:24):
bit harder, so he was on the defense with us.
I think a lot of things play into it, and
he just feels safe and okay to send us a
funny text or something like he's been. I don't know
if you've noticed, he's been a lot more active in
our family chat. And yeah, I love it.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
I love that. The last one is the invisible one.
And then there's the invisible one, the partner who learned
to hide their needs, preferences, opinions, and feelings because taking
up space didn't feel safe. Maybe they learned that ivan
needs made them a burden, so now in their marriage
(23:04):
they minimize themselves, stay quiet, and don't fully show up.
The sad part is they often feel unseen.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
They have learned this, but they've never learned.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
But they've never learned how to let something or themselves
be fully known. Who is that you got too?
Speaker 3 (23:25):
I did? That would be mine for sure?
Speaker 2 (23:28):
When you read when you read the Invisible one, After
reading all of these, did you feel like you were
more the invisible one or more the caretaker?
Speaker 3 (23:41):
I think I'm a good mixture of the two. For sure.
I think I have. And it's something that I have
voiced with you. You know, I've felt invisible a lot
in our marriage. Part of it is, you know, hazards
of your job. You know. Part of it is obviously
from my childhood. You know, my mom had to My
(24:03):
mom up until I was three years old, was a
stay at home mom, then had to work a couple
of jobs to make sure we had food on our table,
to make sure, you know, her role completely changed. And
at that time, you know, I'm fifty one, I'll be
fifty two. You don't sit around and say, tell me
about your feelings, how did this make you feel? And
not to know. Of course, my mom cared about our
(24:24):
feelings and cared about all of that, but she was
also so busy trying to keep her head above water
and make sure that her kids had food and had
a roof over their head, and we had a car
to get around in and make sure. She was on
her own doing everything, and so there was no let's
(24:46):
go to counseling, there was no let's talk about it.
It was just like, hey, you're feeling like that, move on.
We got to move on. There's no time for not
that she always said move on, but I definitely don't
remember feeling like and not that I feel bad about it,
but there definitely wasn't like, let's sit around and talk
(25:06):
about our feelings. That definitely was not that's for sure.
And newer. I think it's generational though, well million persons,
that's what I'm Yeah, that generation.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
Just didn't do it. No, and I think we are more.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
And by the way, my mom, I feel bad for
her because who was there for her with her feelings?
Being left with two kids and having to take all
there wasn't time for her to really process it. I'm
sure you know and really have to. You ever talk
to her about that a little? Yeah, we touch on
it a little bit. I wonder if she feels guilty though,
(25:40):
because then she feels like she did not do the
best for my brother and I and she did like
I don't look back on my childhood and think, oh
my gosh, my mom could have done better, Oh my gosh,
I suffered because of this. I don't even look back
on my childhood and realize that we didn't have things,
because that's not how I felt. I felt. You know
(26:04):
we had things, we were taken care of.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
You Ever, though, this is just something not about your childhood,
what you didn't have from your mom, but maybe something
that your mom didn't have from her mom that you
now as a mother, an adult, a great friend. You
know your mom could go, Mom, what do you struggle with?
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Is it that you never got when her mother died?
When my grandma died, we always used to joke that
my grandma was like a cat and she had nine lives, like,
you know, Barb's back in the hospital, come in, Barb's
back in the hospital, come back in a She was
a tough little woman, Barb, but you know, smoke, have
her cigarette her mouth that their oxygen takes, shake the
(26:50):
oxygen off, but she'd still smoke around it. But so
when my grandma did one of the times that we
thought it was the end, I came in and I
would take over the day shift at the hospital and
then someone else took the night shift. And it was
good for me because I got to learn some stuff
(27:11):
about my grandma from her, but then also watch my
mom process what was hot because they didn't have the
strongest of relationships. Unfortunately, when her parents got divorced. It
was almost a pick and choose, and my mom was
out of the house by then when they got divorced.
(27:32):
So much to go into that. But and again she's
the oldest of nine kids, and then she started her
own family young. But there was you could tell it
was a tough relationship between my mom and her mom.
Not that they didn't love each other, because they really did,
but it was really, really tough. And so I was
watching my mom process, you know, possibly losing her mom
(27:56):
that time. And my mom's good avoid actually because it
was easier for her to push that to the side,
and that happened my grandfather died too. It's easier for
her to just push, you know, because she has to
cope with her own feelings with it, whether she you know,
really did or not. But I have, I have brought
(28:18):
it up to her, I have. I have just recently
I said to her, I'm really sorry that you didn't
have the relationship with your mom that you deserved. You
know that every child deserves. And it's just my grandma
could not because of her childhood, could not give her
(28:39):
children a lot, you know.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
It's all in this all plays a part, right and
honestly one of the best.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Passed down to other generations. I will say, though, my
mother like broke it. I whatever, hearing the stories from
my aunts and uncles about my grandma, not horrible ones,
but just the way that they grew up. My mom
did not mother me the way she was mothered. She
definitely broke that.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
Yeah. I don't think you mother our kids the way
that you were mothered. No either, like I think they
and I don't think that it has anything bad to
do about your mom. But look at this, we're talking
about how you guys didn't really talk about your problems
or you know, you're you're very good at being able
to help the kids process through but also make their choices,
(29:24):
you know. Yeah, all right, well that has been this podcast. Wait,
there's one last thing.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
This is popular Demand back by popular Jimi and I've
been asked a couple of times if we will one question.
Come back to the question. So pick out a car.
I don't want to pick out any car.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
One one card? All right, oh god, of course this
card has to be picked out. You picked out one too,
Uh huh. You want to know what mine is? The
here's this great question? Tell me about the time when
I disappointed you, but you acted like nothing was wrong
(30:05):
our whole marriage.
Speaker 3 (30:07):
No one specifically. Do you want me to go really
deep because it was recent? Okay, are you ready?
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (30:16):
So this is one that I don't think, well, maybe
we've talked about it one time, but this is what
I'm like working through still myself. Not blaming you, well,
kind of blaming you. But the day that because this
(30:37):
whole cancer diagnosis and test and all of that, you've
been there. You've wanted to go there with me for
my MRIs. You've wanted to be there, you know, when
the doctor, when doctor's out, every fall up appointment, you've
been there with me. But there was one appointment that
I wish you would have been there, and it was
(30:58):
when she just gusted everything that was going to go
on in my surgery and instead you were golfing. And
to me, it was just a life changing moment Like
that was like, Okay, this is real And I had
to make decisions about you know, do I want lymph
(31:22):
nodes to be pulled out that if they did pull
them out, my legs would be swollen. I could it
would be very hard to want to exercise and walk again,
Like there were decisions that I was not prepared for
to make in that moment or talk about in process.
It was a very That was the confirmation call that
(31:43):
we are taking everything out because this is leading towards cancer.
And I think not, I think I know that I had,
you know, and you're out golfing, and so I had
I had a little bit of resent meant for you
with that. I was disappointed, Like I'm not, I was disappointed.
(32:05):
I wish you would have been there for that.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
I'm sorry. Okay, I do remember that.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
Do you remember the day of the week. It was
a Thursday? And then I know.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
Leah remember what I shot?
Speaker 3 (32:19):
You're a deck? I don't, And then I know. Leah
immediately texted you and Dennis like okay, everything is moving forward.
Schorgery is Monday, you know, like it was.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
I was with Dennis, you were with him, you were golfing.
I remember that.
Speaker 3 (32:35):
Yeah, so nice that.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
What's your card reading?
Speaker 3 (32:39):
Okay, I hope.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
It's a good one. I got some good stuff to say.
Speaker 3 (32:44):
What chapter in our relationship would make for a good
book or movie?
Speaker 2 (32:49):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (32:53):
A good book? We're moving well.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
The early chapter of our relationship would be interesting because
there's not a parent in the world that would have
wanted us to be together. And that was always interesting
because that was kind of like the love story type thing,
like the Romeo and Juliet type of thing, because we
were so young and how how young we were God,
(33:19):
and then the chapter of our relationship when we really
were struggling and uh, we were fighting and stuff. I
think people like, you know, that kind of stuff. They
like to see that pulled together. And then I think, honestly,
and then now like this the where we're both just
kind of like on separate couches apathetically watching.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Love is blind obsessed with that.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
No, I don't know. I think all that. I think
every chapter, every chapter of our relationship, impossible future chapters
that are going to come are all interesting because we've
seen these movies before, right, and we've seen how they
played off. And you know, I hate to say this,
(34:04):
but when I look back at our early life and
I see how it was, and then I'll watch like
a you know, something in the like a movie or
a reality show or something, I see they'll go through it.
I'm like, guys, we've lived this, you know what I mean.
And I think that's one of the reasons why this
podcast is so relatable to people because I think there's
(34:24):
a lot of people that are listening to you tell
your story or your childhood and me telling my story
and are trying to be together as a couple, and
they're saying to themselves, Okay, I'm not crazy, you know.
So I guess I avoided that entire I'm not the
avoid I've just taken on one of your trades, Chelsea.
Speaker 3 (34:44):
Or maybe i'm people pleasing me me go re read
them and figure it out.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
We should one of the things that we should do,
Like you know how, I still am going to try
to write a book. I want to write a If
I can ever figure out how to read a book,
I will write a book. But I want to write
a book. We should write a book about relationships because
or at least write stuff down, because not that we're
experts at this by no means, but we've dealt with
(35:11):
a lot of things and haven't dealt with a lot
of things.
Speaker 3 (35:15):
So true
Welcome to the We Don't Podcast starring husband and wife
Mojo from Mojo in the Morning and his better half Chelsea.
On this episode.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Coming up on this episode of the Weedon Podcast, what
Chelsea brought into our marriage from her childhood that has
really screwed us?
Speaker 3 (00:27):
All up?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Oh, and what I brought into your childhood and how
it plays a part in your marriage being successful or
not successful? Coming up? Now?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Well, all right, all right, all right, without further delay,
here are Mojo and Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Okay, so we're going to talk about something that to
me actually seems like it would be a given. But
there I don't think a lot of people that understand
how your childhood plays a part in what kind of
marriage you're going to have and something that you may
have done to survive your childhood that you're still kind
(01:08):
of doing in your marriage that either maybe is helping
you survive your marriage or maybe hurting your marriage. Okay,
but when we talk about this, isn't it weird that
I think about our boys because all I keep thinking
of myself is, oh, my God, Like I don't think
about us, maybe because I kind of look at us.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Like a lost cause.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Well, or I look at us like, Okay, you know,
we've gone through our stuff. I've already known we've gone
through them, and we'll probably continue.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
To rely, We'll forever go through our stuff.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
But then I think of the boys, and I'm like, oh,
I just wish that we would have done something differently.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
Sure, that's the hindsight. Yeah, you know, I wish I
would have enjoyed every moment more raising them. I wish
it would have been more present raising them. You know,
that's what hindsight is all about.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Yeah, well, insight for the boys, you're fucked. Good luck now,
But many relationships kind of have to deal with, you know,
things that are going on in the relationship. You know
how their spouse is in many of these things or
stuff that they.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Learned behavior from your childhood. Yeah, yeah, and give it.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Give us some examples of maybe where you think this
kind of comes into play.
Speaker 3 (02:26):
We're like with us, like, oh, well, I think I
think we all revert, whether you realize it or not,
you revert back to your childhood. You whether you realize
you were that was uh learning moment, but you know,
you go back to what makes you feel either secure
(02:50):
or it's explain I can't how do you explain it.
Your childhood forms who you are, right, whether it's good
or bad, and so you kind of go back to
whether it's good or bad behavior what you learned as
a kid, because that's how you learned conflict or resolution
(03:10):
or didn't learn it. That's how you learned what love was.
Whether it's right or not, that's what you learned love
should feel like. It either should feel great, or it
could feel anxiety ridden or it could feel stressful. But
that's that's what you learned love should feel like, and
so you seek that out and then you also go
(03:35):
back to that, I think as adults, because that's whether
you until you can if it's bad, until you can realize, Okay,
this is the feeling that I associate with love, and
if it's healthy or not, how do I fix that?
How do I get out of it? If it's not healthy,
how do I improve myself so I don't seek that
behavior or seek that type of love.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
You know, you and I both come from two day
forms of losses, right. We both come from a loss
loss of my mom through the death of her cancer,
the loss of your dad through him leaving. And it's
really wild to see how our families resolved or didn't
resolve both of those circumstances, you know, And a lot
(04:20):
of it is, you know, you either deal with it
or you avoid it, or you hope that it never
comes back up again, you know. And you and I
kind of have gone through literally both of our losses
in the times that we've been together. And yet I
didn't know your dad and you didn't know my.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
Mom, you know, right well you got to meet him.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
But yes, yeah, a lot of people think that marriages
fall apart because of communication issues, intimacy issues, money issues,
or constant fighting. But a lot of the time those
are just like surface level symptoms that happen underneath it all.
It's obviously, you know, one of the things that you've
(05:04):
got to look at is what was learned behavior from
like your childhood, and then honestly what you were able
to kind of figure out because of your childhood. All Right,
you have a list of different types of people, you know,
things that people do to kind of cope, and you
want to go through them. But then you also want
(05:26):
us to then pick which ones.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
We think am I going through them by myself? Are
we taking turns to go through?
Speaker 2 (05:30):
We can go discrac whatever you want to do, do
the first one.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
Okay, So the first one is the avoid. The partner
who became the avoid learned early that conflict was dangerous,
but they also learned that closeness could hurt. Getting close
may have been, may have meant being let down, criticized, smothered, controlled,
or emotionally overwhelmed. So now intention rises or their spouse
(05:54):
wants a deeper emotional connection, they pull back, shut down,
or disappear into themselves. They call it needing space or
staying calm, but underneath it self protection, and their spouse
is left feeling alone, shut out, and abandoned.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Who could that be?
Speaker 3 (06:10):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
I don't think it's you either. I was going to
see if you said it was me really not me,
but you, because I'm definitely not the avoid.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
I mean sometimes I avoid, for sure, but I don't.
I don't. I never learned that conflict was dangerous because
I was. My parents never fought in front of me,
so I didn't grow up. My parents grew up in
a very volatile home, both of them, so they're probably
(06:39):
more avoidance than I am.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
For sure, your parents never fought at all? Did you
ever ask them, like where they went, you.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
Could tell that they weren't fighting. They just quit. They
wouldn't talk. They were avoidance. They would not talk to
each other, and then they would write each other cards.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
I remember seeing, did they purposely do that because of
both of them families went through.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
I'm assuming yeah, they talked.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
That through because I never asked them that question.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
I did as an adult. And yeah, they did not
want us to grow up in a volatile home like
that at all. So if they you know, obviously they
would go and talk to each other in a different room.
But we never thought. We never heard them yell at
each other or anything like that, because again that's they
grew up in that and that must have been a
discussion before they got married. We will not do that
(07:27):
to the kids.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
And so my mom and dad fought one time only
as a kid, and I brought it up to my family,
you know, when we were all together, and it was
funny because a few people I remember that and then
like some like my sister passed like that never happened.
You know, Mom and dad never fought, but I remember
(07:47):
them like screaming and yelling and arguing, and we were
all upstairs in bed and I was young, but I
remember that my mom was really pissed at my dad
about something, and then I remember my dad would get
really upset and he would vocalize it about how my
mom's family was a pain in the ass because my
mom's you know, my uncle and my aunt and my
(08:10):
grandfather took a lot of her time, my mom's time, yea,
and my dad didn't like that we didn't have our
family time, that we always had to have them as
part of our family time. Which was interesting because when
I saw the relationship that your grandfather had with your family,
it reminded me of your grandfather and my grandfather's relationships
(08:30):
were very similar with how your mom and grandfather and
my mom and her father were to each other. The
next one the caretaker. The partner who became the caretaker
learned that love meant taking care of everyone else's needs
and emotions. So now they overfunction, take on too much responsibility,
(08:54):
and feel like it's their job to take care of everyone.
On the outside, they may seem loving, tendable, and selfless,
but inside they're exhausted. God, I'm this is you. Then
resentment comes into play. Confusion about love and responsibility come
into play. I'm reading this. I'm going this is Chelsea.
You should have read this book.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
That's you, that is me.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
How did you learn?
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Well?
Speaker 3 (09:19):
I think part of that is I'm the first born,
so firstborn's kind of take on the caretaker role. Anyway,
my parents got divorced when I was young, so my
mom to keep our household afloat, she had to work
multiple jobs. My aunt came and moved in with us
with her kids. I came from a large family. My
(09:40):
mom's the oldest of nine. My mom was definitely the
caretaker in her family. Then. I think it was just
passed down to me. I just think that that's part
part of that is, you know, being a first born daughter.
I think because I don't. I wouldn't say first born
because look at Joe, and I would never say Joe.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
No, you have cousins that are first porn boys too,
don't you. That probably didn't take on.
Speaker 3 (10:06):
This role, right. I think it's probably more common in females,
but I'm sure it happens in males too, you know.
But yeah, I definitely I would relate to that one
for sure.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
When we first met, your brother was little, your mom
and dad, you know, adopted your.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Cousin, and he was really little.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
And you were always with him.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
Both my parents worked, so i'd have to babysit him.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
Yeah, I remember that our relationship started with you and
him being together all the time, which is one of
the reasons that it endeared me that you're going to
be a great mom. But it also probably was a
lot of pressure on you that you couldn't do it
a normal teenage.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
For sure, you know, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
What's the next one?
Speaker 3 (10:54):
So the next one is the achiever. The partner who
became the achiever learned that their worth came from doing, producing, succeeding, providing,
or holding everything together. So they stay busy, get things done,
carry responsibility, and keep pushing forward, but they often struggle
to slow down and emotionally connect. They give effort but
not presents. Their spouse may see how much they do
(11:16):
and still feel like they only get what's left over
after everything else has been taking. Why would I be smiling?
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Is this me? I think this one's me? And I
think the next one's me a little bit.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
Oh lord, I'm scared, but well I think you could listen.
You're not just one person like I think there's a
lot of traits. You can be multiple traits, multiple things
can be true at the same time.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
I told somebody the other day when they were asking me,
they were like, hey, what was it about you know
you that always was driven to to you know, be
successful in radio and to do things like that. And
I said, my biggest thing was I didn't have the
family life that most people had at home. Like I
think if I had mom and dad and house and
(12:01):
you know, all that stuff, like I had my room
and everything, I think I probably would still be looking
to achieve because I think it.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
Earlyst I didn't have that. You had that until you
were thirteen.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
For an, I didn't have that as a kid in
high school and then college to go home to. So
to me, I had to get like I felt like,
you got to be successful. Like I remember when I
first moved to Arizona from Chicago. That was really like
my move away from my sisters and you know, from
what I had there. And I thought to myself, if
(12:34):
I'm not successful, I don't know where I'm going to
go next, because I didn't think I can get back
down an airplane and go right back home. It was
you got to be successful, You got to do well,
and so I think that there was a bit of
that that kind of always has been with me, like
you you need to succeed, which does suck because I
(12:56):
do think that there is a huge level of me that,
like any of the things that you talked about in
there was that you often struggle was slowing down and
emotionally connecting to something that's a that's a big deal.
Like my presence is definitely not always felt.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
Well, that's for sure, your presence is not felt. I
think you connect. I think one special thing about you
is that you do connect. You connect with many different
people and many different like that you walk into a
room and you don't leave without knowing everyone's name and
what they do. You may get it wrong because you
make it up a little bit, but you do make
(13:35):
You can walk away from someone and making them feel
really special and making them feel heard. I think the
problem is when you come home. Maybe it's because I'm
not new. You know, you already know about me, like
it's hard to connect well. And so I just think
that that's where that has been one of our issues,
where it's like I could you know you'd want me
(13:57):
to go to things with you, but I'm you know,
I'm in the corner by myself, which I didn't. I'd
rather stay home, you know, I don't. I'm not the
person that will walk up to We just have different strengths.
I would much rather blend in. You like to stand
out like opposites at truct So.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Yeah, well that's how I first met you, right, walked
up to you and you said get away.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
I said, who cares?
Speaker 2 (14:22):
And you said who cares? Okay, the next one, the
people pleaser, the partner who became the people pleaser, learned
that keeping other people happy was safer than telling the truth.
So now in their marriage, they say yes when they
me know, they avoid controversies or conversations, excuse me, and
(14:43):
they try to keep the peace at any cost. But
the piece they create is often false. Underneath it, resentment
builds and their spouse ends up feeling disconnected because they
are never fully the real person that they are with.
I think that might be me too, Did I not
say that?
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Yeah? For sure? Yeah no, And I said I think
it could be multiple. You can take pick and choose
multiple of these, but that for sure resonates for you. You
are a complete, total people pleaser, Like there have been
times that I've asked you, I need you to be
on my side for this. I need you to defend
me on this. I need you to be in my
(15:24):
corner for this. And it's very difficult for you. Again.
Birth order, you're the baby of the family, so typically
the clown, the one that makes everyone laugh, the you know,
and so that has been your role since a child.
Your mom was diagnosed with cancer when you were eight.
(15:45):
You know, that's young. I can't imagine that. And so
a lot of a lot of I mean, whether you
realize it or not, you probably were trying to keep
everyone in your family, you know, because you were such
a and still are such a good source of joy
(16:07):
for your siblings. And you know, that was just a
role that you have continued to play. It's you do
not like conflict. You do not like at all. You
will avoid it at all.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
I like conflict if it's on the radio. I can
handle a spade.
Speaker 3 (16:24):
So that is true. That is so crazy, how you I.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
Loved that conflict. I don't like conflict outside of the area.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
But it's funny. Take away the microphone. Would you want
that conflict in front of you with two people that
you you know, would you probably no, you wouldn't. I know,
you wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
I know. My problem is this that I feel sometimes
when conflict does arise in our life, you know, our friends' lives,
things like that, I'm like, are you kidding? Like I
literally sit there and go, why can't things just be
normal for a period of time. I feel like life
is like the news these days, where it's like cycles
(17:01):
of just crazy you know, shit that comes out, and
it's like, why can't things just be Why can't everybody
just be happy and be you know, in a good place.
Everybody's always got to look for conflict, and conflict arise,
you know, comes up all the time. And I think
that maybe it did back in the day and we
just didn't know about it because we just didn't talk
about it that much, you know, because we didn't have
social media.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
But I don't know, so media, it's awful. This next
one might be you and then here you go the fixer.
The partner who became the fixer learned that emotions were uncomfortable, unsafe, inconvenient,
or overwhelming, So instead of sitting with the discomfort of
the emotion present, they rushed to solve it. They try
to find the answer, give advice, explain things away, or
(17:42):
make the feeling go away as quickly as possible. But
if their spouse doesn't feel understood in those moments, they
feel managed. They feel like their emotional experience is something
being controlled instead of something their partner is willing to
sit in with them.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
This might be me again too. I first, I'm going, Okay,
this might be Chelsea. I just want her to have
another one too. Then I realized I think I got
the third.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
Oider there, I mean, which is fine? I do Most
men are fixers. Most men, in my opinion, most men
will half listen or they'll start to listen to your problem,
and then they're in or your concern and in their
head their wheels are running because they're just going to
try to solve it because they really don't want to
sit in and they want to move on to the
(18:26):
next thing. And you first sure can be a little
bit of a fixer too, for sure.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
I remember being in therapy once and it was one
of those therapy sessions with Rob who was our couples therapist,
and you were not there. Remember we did two separate
ones like where we each went separately, which is always weird,
like when the therapist goes, I want you guys each
here by yourself, because then I'm thinking to myself, oh,
(18:53):
you know what, I'm gonna be talked about like so negatively.
But then again, I think we both were pretty good
about talking about each.
Speaker 3 (18:59):
Other negatively in front of each other.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
But I remember him saying to me, all Chelsea wants
you to do when she is telling you something that's
really bothering her is to just go that sucks, like
that's all that those are like the only word. I go, no,
that's not the case, and he goes and I go,
she just doesn't want to have to you know, she
doesn't want to be in it, so I'm trying to
help her with He goes, no, and he was basically
(19:23):
explaining it to me. And then you said something to
me years after we went to therapy, and you're in
you because we reverted back to a situation where again,
all right, what can I do? You know, I'll make
some phone calls whatever the deal is, and she you go,
that's not the case. All I want you to do
is just listen to me and go that sucks.
Speaker 3 (19:42):
Majority of the time, you just want to be heard.
And I have to remember this with the boys too,
Like when they come to me and tell me something,
I really really because as their mom, I want to
jump in and fix it and give them advice and
tell them what they should do to make it better.
But truthfully, that's not giving them good problem solving skills,
like they they are capable of solving their own problems.
(20:03):
And I should feel, you know, honored that they feel
safe enough to come to me and say, hey, I'm
working through this, or and if they want my advice,
what do you think I should do? And I think
that that was one thing I felt with you. It's like,
if I want your advice, I'll say hey. If I
(20:24):
need your help, I'll say help me. But typically it's
just I need you to listen to this. And most
of the time I do want you to agree and
help me jump in with the problem and be on
my side. But other times it's okay if you don't
just be like you're right, that really sucks or gosh
that you know that's typically what I want. I don't
(20:46):
need you to solve it because I'm a pretty good solver.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Do the boys always come to you like they do?
Now like I feel like they now come to you
the best time that I ever knew about it, or maybe.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Well I just didn't share it with you before, but
they the best time time. The best time with the
kids would be in the car. And because it's like
unless we were doing our dance parties, which we would
like to do too, but would be in the car
and it was uninterrupted time because we could just sit
(21:17):
there and talk. And you know, typically if they were
in the back seat, it makes it a little bit
safer for them to tell me stuff because it's not
eye to eye contact. It's just very easy listen. Majority
of the time, they'd get in the car, how's your
day good? Any homework? No, anything happened? No, And then
they'd fall asleep. But there were also some amazing times
(21:42):
and amazing car rides with them. Boys are really hard
to pull things out of as they get older. But
I do feel fortunate enough. You know, it goes in cycles.
Luke right now will just call me out of the
blue and say, hey, this is going on and okay,
(22:02):
like I listen or and it's like it could be
a three minute phone conversation or a fifteen a funny
story or something serious. But he's a little bit more
opening up that door. And I think it's because we
like his girlfriend. The one before it was a little
(22:24):
bit harder, so he was on the defense with us.
I think a lot of things play into it, and
he just feels safe and okay to send us a
funny text or something like he's been. I don't know
if you've noticed, he's been a lot more active in
our family chat. And yeah, I love it.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
I love that. The last one is the invisible one.
And then there's the invisible one, the partner who learned
to hide their needs, preferences, opinions, and feelings because taking
up space didn't feel safe. Maybe they learned that ivan
needs made them a burden, so now in their marriage
(23:04):
they minimize themselves, stay quiet, and don't fully show up.
The sad part is they often feel unseen.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
They have learned this, but they've never learned.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
But they've never learned how to let something or themselves
be fully known. Who is that you got too?
Speaker 3 (23:25):
I did? That would be mine for sure?
Speaker 2 (23:28):
When you read when you read the Invisible one, After
reading all of these, did you feel like you were
more the invisible one or more the caretaker?
Speaker 3 (23:41):
I think I'm a good mixture of the two. For sure.
I think I have. And it's something that I have
voiced with you. You know, I've felt invisible a lot
in our marriage. Part of it is, you know, hazards
of your job. You know. Part of it is obviously
from my childhood. You know, my mom had to My
(24:03):
mom up until I was three years old, was a
stay at home mom, then had to work a couple
of jobs to make sure we had food on our table,
to make sure, you know, her role completely changed. And
at that time, you know, I'm fifty one, I'll be
fifty two. You don't sit around and say, tell me
about your feelings, how did this make you feel? And
not to know. Of course, my mom cared about our
(24:24):
feelings and cared about all of that, but she was
also so busy trying to keep her head above water
and make sure that her kids had food and had
a roof over their head, and we had a car
to get around in and make sure. She was on
her own doing everything, and so there was no let's
(24:46):
go to counseling, there was no let's talk about it.
It was just like, hey, you're feeling like that, move on.
We got to move on. There's no time for not
that she always said move on, but I definitely don't
remember feeling like and not that I feel bad about it,
but there definitely wasn't like, let's sit around and talk
(25:06):
about our feelings. That definitely was not that's for sure.
And newer. I think it's generational though, well million persons,
that's what I'm Yeah, that generation.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
Just didn't do it. No, and I think we are more.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
And by the way, my mom, I feel bad for
her because who was there for her with her feelings?
Being left with two kids and having to take all
there wasn't time for her to really process it. I'm
sure you know and really have to. You ever talk
to her about that a little? Yeah, we touch on
it a little bit. I wonder if she feels guilty though,
(25:40):
because then she feels like she did not do the
best for my brother and I and she did like
I don't look back on my childhood and think, oh
my gosh, my mom could have done better, Oh my gosh,
I suffered because of this. I don't even look back
on my childhood and realize that we didn't have things,
because that's not how I felt. I felt. You know
(26:04):
we had things, we were taken care of.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
You Ever, though, this is just something not about your childhood,
what you didn't have from your mom, but maybe something
that your mom didn't have from her mom that you
now as a mother, an adult, a great friend. You
know your mom could go, Mom, what do you struggle with?
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Is it that you never got when her mother died?
When my grandma died, we always used to joke that
my grandma was like a cat and she had nine lives, like,
you know, Barb's back in the hospital, come in, Barb's
back in the hospital, come back in a She was
a tough little woman, Barb, but you know, smoke, have
her cigarette her mouth that their oxygen takes, shake the
(26:50):
oxygen off, but she'd still smoke around it. But so
when my grandma did one of the times that we
thought it was the end, I came in and I
would take over the day shift at the hospital and
then someone else took the night shift. And it was
good for me because I got to learn some stuff
(27:11):
about my grandma from her, but then also watch my
mom process what was hot because they didn't have the
strongest of relationships. Unfortunately, when her parents got divorced. It
was almost a pick and choose, and my mom was
out of the house by then when they got divorced.
(27:32):
So much to go into that. But and again she's
the oldest of nine kids, and then she started her
own family young. But there was you could tell it
was a tough relationship between my mom and her mom.
Not that they didn't love each other, because they really did,
but it was really, really tough. And so I was
watching my mom process, you know, possibly losing her mom
(27:56):
that time. And my mom's good avoid actually because it
was easier for her to push that to the side,
and that happened my grandfather died too. It's easier for
her to just push, you know, because she has to
cope with her own feelings with it, whether she you know,
really did or not. But I have, I have brought
(28:18):
it up to her, I have. I have just recently
I said to her, I'm really sorry that you didn't
have the relationship with your mom that you deserved. You
know that every child deserves. And it's just my grandma
could not because of her childhood, could not give her
(28:39):
children a lot, you know.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
It's all in this all plays a part, right and
honestly one of the best.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Passed down to other generations. I will say, though, my
mother like broke it. I whatever, hearing the stories from
my aunts and uncles about my grandma, not horrible ones,
but just the way that they grew up. My mom
did not mother me the way she was mothered. She
definitely broke that.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
Yeah. I don't think you mother our kids the way
that you were mothered. No either, like I think they
and I don't think that it has anything bad to
do about your mom. But look at this, we're talking
about how you guys didn't really talk about your problems
or you know, you're you're very good at being able
to help the kids process through but also make their choices,
(29:24):
you know. Yeah, all right, well that has been this podcast. Wait,
there's one last thing.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
This is popular Demand back by popular Jimi and I've
been asked a couple of times if we will one question.
Come back to the question. So pick out a car.
I don't want to pick out any car.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
One one card? All right, oh god, of course this
card has to be picked out. You picked out one too,
Uh huh. You want to know what mine is? The
here's this great question? Tell me about the time when
I disappointed you, but you acted like nothing was wrong
(30:05):
our whole marriage.
Speaker 3 (30:07):
No one specifically. Do you want me to go really
deep because it was recent? Okay, are you ready?
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (30:16):
So this is one that I don't think, well, maybe
we've talked about it one time, but this is what
I'm like working through still myself. Not blaming you, well,
kind of blaming you. But the day that because this
(30:37):
whole cancer diagnosis and test and all of that, you've
been there. You've wanted to go there with me for
my MRIs. You've wanted to be there, you know, when
the doctor, when doctor's out, every fall up appointment, you've
been there with me. But there was one appointment that
I wish you would have been there, and it was
(30:58):
when she just gusted everything that was going to go
on in my surgery and instead you were golfing. And
to me, it was just a life changing moment Like
that was like, Okay, this is real And I had
to make decisions about you know, do I want lymph
(31:22):
nodes to be pulled out that if they did pull
them out, my legs would be swollen. I could it
would be very hard to want to exercise and walk again,
Like there were decisions that I was not prepared for
to make in that moment or talk about in process.
It was a very That was the confirmation call that
(31:43):
we are taking everything out because this is leading towards cancer.
And I think not, I think I know that I had,
you know, and you're out golfing, and so I had
I had a little bit of resent meant for you
with that. I was disappointed, Like I'm not, I was disappointed.
(32:05):
I wish you would have been there for that.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
I'm sorry. Okay, I do remember that.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
Do you remember the day of the week. It was
a Thursday? And then I know.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
Leah remember what I shot?
Speaker 3 (32:19):
You're a deck? I don't, And then I know. Leah
immediately texted you and Dennis like okay, everything is moving forward.
Schorgery is Monday, you know, like it was.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
I was with Dennis, you were with him, you were golfing.
I remember that.
Speaker 3 (32:35):
Yeah, so nice that.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
What's your card reading?
Speaker 3 (32:39):
Okay, I hope.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
It's a good one. I got some good stuff to say.
Speaker 3 (32:44):
What chapter in our relationship would make for a good
book or movie?
Speaker 2 (32:49):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (32:53):
A good book? We're moving well.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
The early chapter of our relationship would be interesting because
there's not a parent in the world that would have
wanted us to be together. And that was always interesting
because that was kind of like the love story type thing,
like the Romeo and Juliet type of thing, because we
were so young and how how young we were God,
(33:19):
and then the chapter of our relationship when we really
were struggling and uh, we were fighting and stuff. I
think people like, you know, that kind of stuff. They
like to see that pulled together. And then I think, honestly,
and then now like this the where we're both just
kind of like on separate couches apathetically watching.
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Love is blind obsessed with that.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
No, I don't know. I think all that. I think
every chapter, every chapter of our relationship, impossible future chapters
that are going to come are all interesting because we've
seen these movies before, right, and we've seen how they
played off. And you know, I hate to say this,
(34:04):
but when I look back at our early life and
I see how it was, and then I'll watch like
a you know, something in the like a movie or
a reality show or something, I see they'll go through it.
I'm like, guys, we've lived this, you know what I mean.
And I think that's one of the reasons why this
podcast is so relatable to people because I think there's
(34:24):
a lot of people that are listening to you tell
your story or your childhood and me telling my story
and are trying to be together as a couple, and
they're saying to themselves, Okay, I'm not crazy, you know.
So I guess I avoided that entire I'm not the
avoid I've just taken on one of your trades, Chelsea.
Speaker 3 (34:44):
Or maybe i'm people pleasing me me go re read
them and figure it out.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
We should one of the things that we should do,
Like you know how, I still am going to try
to write a book. I want to write a If
I can ever figure out how to read a book,
I will write a book. But I want to write
a book. We should write a book about relationships because
or at least write stuff down, because not that we're
experts at this by no means, but we've dealt with
(35:11):
a lot of things and haven't dealt with a lot
of things.
Speaker 3 (35:15):
So true
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