April 13, 2026 • 40 mins
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the We Don't Podcast, starring husband and wife
Mojo from Mojo in the Morning and his better half Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
On this episode coming up on this episode of the
We Don't Podcast, I don't even know if I want
to do it now. It's the seven things that I
thought your adult kids owe you. But Chelsea corrected me
on this just before we started this podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
We don't.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
It's things that they don't owe us.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
Correct h this.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Is not even going to be fun.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Well, all right, all right, all right, without further delay,
here are Mojo and Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
All right, Well, we have to before we do anything,
before we even talk about the podcast, we have to
thank some people. Chelsea. Okay, we have to thank the
voters from the Michigan Association of Broadcasters. Yes, which is
unbelievable to even know that there is an organization called
(01:10):
the Michigan Association of Broadcasters, but there is. And in
all the years that I have been in broadcasting, I
have never been recognized by the Michigan Association of Broadcasters. Really, yeah,
I think the first year that I was in Michigan,
I got to go to the award and they nominated
me for something.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Oh okay, I thought they had.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Never got an award from them. Okay, but I then
now get you as my partner in life as well
as my partner and podcast, and the Michigan Association of
Broadcasters gives us an award.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
The winner is whifm Mojo's We Don't.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Podcast If we got married today, I know things would
be so different because I think both you and I
would have more voices to be able to say something.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Would you. I still feel that you are a people
pleaser and you really care about what your family thinks
and what other people think. I don't care.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
That was it? What a clip? And by the way,
Zach picked that clip, So thank you to Zach.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Thank you Zach.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
And Zach is a partner in crime with us because he's.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
A little silent partner.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
He is our executive producer of the mojos We Don't podcast.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
And he gave us some very good feedback. We're going
to be switching a couple of things up, per Zach.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
But the Michigan Association of Broadcasters market one podcast series
best Podcast of the Year twenty six. Pretty cool, pretty.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
Cool, Thank you, exciting And I've never won an award.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
You have never gotten anything. I don't think so. Even
the boys making you like a oh.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
Well, yeah, I have little little oscar Us statue saying
World's best mom. But I've never been wrecked. Listen, you
just got into the Radio Hall of Fame, so this
is nothing to you, But to me, this is pretty cool.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
You might get into the Radio Hall of Fame myself
of this.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
You know what I am going to petition for myself.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Can I ask a question about those awards that kids
would make for you as a dad, you'd get those
awards and you would look at them and go, oh,
this is really nice. This is what they did during
their time in art class. Or moms seem like they're
way more into the homemade things, the gifts and things
like that. Of course, did you love this? Uh?
Speaker 3 (03:41):
I did, and I do and I still have them,
and yeah, they're precious.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Is there anyone over the years that you remember one
of the boys making.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
For you that over any other?
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (03:53):
No, I mean there's not one that's better than another.
I mean, I think they're all just they have their
little special touches on them, and I love them all.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
My favorite was when the kids would get money to
go somewhere like a field trip or whatever, and they
would buy you and they would always buy it for you.
They wouldn't buy it for me even if Dad's day
was coming up, like you know, wow or no.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
Not the field trip. They would do a store. The
school would always have a store. Yeah, and they I
would volunteer as parents as you know, a parent volunteer,
and so sometimes it was hard for them to buy
me something because another volunteer would have to go take
them away. But listen, they always bought themselves something first,
then their brothers, then me, and if any money was
(04:37):
left over, I.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Got it, yeah, which was really great. Uh, this is
a and I'm not kidding when I say this to you,
this is a cool honor. Yeah, because our show's podcast
was also nominated. We did not win, and I was
talking to Cody, who Cody was one of the people.
Cody is our marketing director for I, and Cody actually
(05:02):
said to me that this was the one that she
was hoping that would win, and her reasoning behind it,
which I thought was really sweet, was she feels like
this one obviously means a lot more to us, in
the fact.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
That we meant a lot more to me. Let's be honest.
I don't really.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
But it's also because I think that you know, the
radio show is the radio show. This is really our
personal and this is about as personal as I've ever
gotten in my life. And I know this is definitely
the most personal that you have had an opportunity to voice. Yep,
So that's pretty cool. So thank you to the Michigan
Association of Broadcasters. In May, they will have an award show.
(05:42):
We will be attending, You and I will be attending,
and we will go up on stage and we.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Will just ordered my outfit the other day. I hope
it fits.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Oh really, yeah, I have not. Why is it that
guys just wear what you just wear.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
It because it doesn't change. It's a suit and the
white shirt and maybe a different tie, you know, maybe
you maybe I'll go out and get you a different tie.
But really, truly, guys have it so easy women with
stuff like this, like with your Hall of Fame, I
can never wear that dress again. Why I don't think
I can?
Speaker 2 (06:14):
You look so good in it?
Speaker 3 (06:15):
Thank you? But well, I mean maybe I don't know,
but I feel like I can't wear that dress again.
And then we're doing which we're going to talk about
it another time. This Lady's luncheon for you of them
where I'm talking about my ovarian cancer, I'm not gonna
be a little worth. I thought, Okay, maybe I'll repurpose
that twice. I'll wear it there and then for Mother's
(06:37):
Day a couple days later. I'm like, no, I can't
have to wait a year in between. It's just a.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Nice But if it's like me and I gain weight,
like I always fluctuate weights.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Well, the one I'm wearing for the luncheon is really
big and flowy, which is amazing. I'm so excited for
that one, and I love it for so many different
reasons because the color is great, there are so many
reasons I love that. The one I ordered for this
broadcasting on is like a fitted skirt with a separate top,
and so I'm a little nervous about it. We'll see, Okay,
(07:07):
we'll see.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
All right, Well, we want to get into the podcast.
We got to get into this. What are kids don't
know us? Or what is it? Wait?
Speaker 3 (07:15):
What is this thing called seven things your adult kids
don't owe you?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
And for those that haven't, no idea how adult our
kids are? Our kids are pretty adult they are. We
have Joe who is thirty years old? Right, We've got
Jacob who is and this is a test for me,
twenty seven six? How old is he?
Speaker 3 (07:35):
Twenty eight?
Speaker 2 (07:36):
He's twenty eight already.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
Well yes, wait, he's going to be twenty eight, twenty eight, sorry,
I'm Marty Hilly. He's going to be twenty eight in April.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
And Luke's going to be twenty one in May. In May,
so Luke is twenty. So our kids are adult. They're
about as adult as can be.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
They are adults.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
And it's wild because out of all of them, Jacob
seems like he's the most adult, followed by me. Be
tie between Luke and Joe.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
Yeah. Yeah, he's always had an old soul, that child.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
It all depends on if Joe is coming home from
Disney with Star Wars lightsabers. But a right, so what
is this?
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Uh? So?
Speaker 3 (08:17):
I came across this and I loved it it really
because again, we have adult children and Joe is getting
married in December, so things boundaries are about to change,
and you know, holidays will start to look different. He's
going to have his own family. We will be the
extended family, and honestly, I struggle with that a little bit,
(08:40):
but I'm also excited for him, like this is part
of life and it's about time. You know, I gotta
let go. But I'd be lying if I said I
wasn't struggling with that, you know. So I came across
this and I just loved it and I sent it
to you, and so seven things. The first one is
(09:01):
they don't owe you closeness. You can't demand a relationship.
You can only cultivate when they might find worth returning to. Okay, Well,
I thought that that was really interesting. And you know,
there are people that popped into my head when I
read that, one of which was your dad.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
We'll explain that to it.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
Well, your dad, unfortunately when he passed away, was not
talking to two of his kids, and a lot of
it it was because well we won't get into the
weeds of why they weren't talking, but your dad really
demanded a level of not closeness, but he like he
wanted things his way. Yeah, and I thought, you know,
(09:47):
it can't And I'm not saying he was a bad man.
I loved your father, loved your dad, but he was
from Cuba. He in his idea, in his head. He
has had the way that he wanted his relation to
do with his kids. And I thought, now, for some reason,
that just made me think of your dad.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
One of the things that my dad did wrong and
it took therapy for me to figure this out. But
he put upon us the pain that he had when
he had to leave his family in Cuba, and a
lot of the stuff that he did parenting us. And
you're right, my dad. It was weird when we would
(10:27):
go and visit my dad, and my dad lived in Chicago,
and there was times where we lived in Arizona, and
there's time when we lived in Detroit. When we would
go visit my dad, I felt like if I didn't
make my dad my first stop when we got to town,
whether it be on an airplane from Arizona or driving
off of I ninety four in Chicago, it was bad.
(10:51):
So his feelings got hurt, and I used to there
were times where I didn't make him the first stop.
We would go do something, visit friends, or see my sisters,
and I would not want him to know about it,
like I would hide it, like I'm a kid hiding,
you know, taking something from you know, my parents. And
I do think that that was one of those situations
(11:13):
where you look back on it. And it took me
to go to therapy and have my therapist say to me, hey,
you know, your dad was making up for something that
he probably didn't get and wanting it from you guys,
and it wasn't fair that he did that to you guys.
Which is interesting because then I think about this with
the boys. There have been times where Luke comes home
(11:36):
from Michigan State or Jacob drives in from Chicago, and
I get upset with the boys and I say to you,
they're not spending any time with us, like they're here,
but they're not here, and it's like, why even be home?
And you are very you know, you're very good about Hey,
(11:57):
let me explain this to you. And I think that
that one does mean a lot too, too well.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
I think it's hard for you because you are super
You and Joey are very much alike. You are very
much people like you love to be around pleasures, also
people pleasers, but you guys, you guys want to be
around family all of the time. Jacob is me and
Luke is a little bit more me than you, and
(12:24):
the way that we like to have our downtime and
we need some away time and when they're finally I
think when they come home quote unquote home and they're
in their room and they get to just I mean,
Luke lives with a bunch of people. He lived in
a dorm, then he lived in a fraternity house, and
then now he's in a home that he has nine roommates,
and he loves being around all of them, but he
(12:47):
also needs when he comes home to come home and
to not be around people and be able to unwind.
And I get that. To me, my mom heart is
just so happy that I know they are in my
house and I can see them and just walk up
and knock on their door and give them a hug.
And then I get it, like I get that they
need that space for you. It's really hard. You want
(13:09):
them to be on the couch and talk to you,
and yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
I want them to have to hear all the painful,
same stories that my dad would tell us whenever we
went and visited him. So what's number two?
Speaker 3 (13:22):
So number two is they don't owe you agreement. You
raise them to think, discern, and to listen to the
Holy Spirit. That means they may not marry you. To me,
what that means for me is you know, I grew
up in a Christian home going to church, and then
we didn't raise the boys in a church. We would
(13:45):
go every once in a while. They did go to
Catholic school, but when we went.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Between Catholic school, Catholic church and Catholic or in Christian
just non a nominational Christians.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Correct, But to me, I like that. I would try
to talk about my beliefs with them and hopefully instill them,
but also give them their own freedom to choose what
they believe in. And even politically we are not.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Yeah, we don't talk very much of you got to
vote for this, or you got to do this.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
You are on your own. I have no problem talking
about who I vote, voted for and why, and I
love the dialogue of going back and forth. They do
not have to be cut copy pasted. I love that
they are their own individual people.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
With that, what about our religion states that if you don't,
you know, take the Lord and you know, if you
don't take Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior, that
you're not going to heaven? Do you ever worry about that?
Like if if they don't believe that at all, that
that's not.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
The case, I yes and no. I mean I I
believe that my kids all believe in God, and their
relationship with God is on them. They're honestly, there are
a lot of things that I struggle with with the
church that you know. So is my relationship perfect with God? No?
(15:18):
You know, but I do believe in God, But I
struggle with a couple of things. I grew up in
a very non denominational, strict.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Christian Church, fundamentalist Christian Church.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
No non denominational, okay, but it was. But there I
had strict views on things, and there are some things
that I just don't agree with. And I'm not God,
so I can't judge. And I believe that God is
merciful and gracious and he loves all. You know.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
So what if though the boys we like, we end
up in heaven and the boys aren't there? Are you
going to be best.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Like?
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Are you going to be like ah ship we sent down?
Would you? Would you, like, honestly, go all right, going
to spend the rest of my life in eternity? Or
I want to spend the rest of my life with
the one.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
There's a lot that goes into that that is not
we don't this.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Post is that it's an interesting thought though, you know
what I mean, it was that easy. Like I I
look at it as you know, do we want to
have the well? I because I think I got you know,
iHeartRadio helped me with the passes, so I think Bob
(16:33):
Pittman gave me some passes to go. So I'm sitting
up front, guys, so I just want you to know that.
Excuse me, I'm talking to like Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates, I have a all access pass. Okay, right, okay.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Okay, speaking of access, they don't owe you access their home,
their time, their rhythms. Those now belong to the life
they're called to build, which is what we're going to Actually,
it's true with Jacob as well and Luke to a
certain point. Luke is still on payroll. He's still quote
(17:09):
unquote under our roof. We provide the roof that he's
under right now, both at school and at home, and
we pay for everything. So he is given a lot
of rope and a lot of freedom, but he still
has to report back to us with a certain thing. Jacob, Joey,
(17:30):
it's their home, their rules, what they you know, we
should feel lucky, not feel lucky, but we should feel
you know, I don't know what the word is, but to
be invited over and for them to.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Want to Yeah. What if Okay, here's one, because we
have dealt with that. Jacob didn't come home for a
good period of time and would choose to spend the
holidays in Chicago or choose to Hody this one time?
So okay, what if Luke though, all right, Luke is
(18:08):
twenty years old, give me twenty one. He's got a girlfriend.
What if he chose to do Mother's Day with his
girlfriend's gird one.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
I don't accept if it's if it's his wife's mother, fine,
but you are I'm sorry you.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Say fine with that, But do you really mean fine?
Like if Joe spends the holiday with guess all this
his mom? Is that gonna bother?
Speaker 3 (18:35):
You will me? Yes?
Speaker 2 (18:37):
If we were in the.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Same am I going to have to accept it? One
hundred percent? He is that and that's part of this.
He is now not tethered or tied to us in
the sense of I would like to spend those holidays
with him. And listen, I've had Mother's Days without him,
I've had Christmases I've had Thanksgiving where he has chosen
(18:59):
to be with Alyssa and her family over us. We've
already crossed. You know. Did it really bother me because
they were dating at the time. It really did. Now
that he is, you know, building his own family, I
respect those boundaries. Did I respect you know the decision before? No,
I really didn't hurt my feelings. I don't feel that
(19:22):
I have a right to be hurt when he is
building his own family and that's what they decide to
do as a family. I get.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
I will say this if it goes back to the
day that Joe basketballed up with his book with his
girlfriend's dad. I told this story before on the podcast,
and when when Joe is dating his high school girlfriend
and we were going to play a basketball game and
(19:52):
it was me and Joe versus his girlfriend's dad and
her brother. The girlfriend's day said all right, Joe and
I versus you two guys. I'm like, that's bullshit. I
want my kid. And he was obviously balancing size like height,
wives and stuff, but it was kind of weird. It's like, no,
you're not taking my son, So that does become a
(20:13):
little touchy. I do think that all of this makes
me think of your parents, because anytime that we're talking
about this, I now put myself into your parents' shoes
and realize how unbelievably patient your mom and dad have been.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
Well, let's be real, my parents had a lot of
the holidays and a lot of everything because when we
lived in Arizona, we were always with them. We spent one, yeah,
we spent one Christmas with your family, and then we
moved relatively quickly when Joe was four and Jacob had
didn't even turned two. So from that point on we
lived in Chicago. Then we would try to spend Christmases
(20:55):
with my parents. Try to spend holidays with your family
in Chicago, like we really did try to. What we
tried to do was try to make everyone else happy
and not us happy. And that's one thing that I
don't want my kids to have to do. I want
them to do what is best for their family, what
(21:16):
is best for their kids, if they don't have kids,
what's best for them, because it isn't about me anymore.
It's about them, which is really hard for me to
say and really hard for me to really mean, but
I do mean it. What I in a perfect world.
Love to have my kids always come to my house
and us all be together. Yes? Is that realistic? No?
(21:39):
And so I just think the more I say it,
the more I can believe it. I mean and really true.
In the past couple of years it has been where
we've been split up, you know, And that's just how
it is.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
What's the next one?
Speaker 3 (21:54):
They don't owe you control? Your authority was for a season.
Adulthood is where stewardship in Christ becomes theirs.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
I wish I knew what that meant. What do you mean? Control?
Like control?
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Like what we can't tell Joe at thirty and Jacob
at twenty seven, this is what you're doing. You know,
you will be doing this or I won't talk to you,
or I won't like you. You will not inherit correct
anything from us, right, which you won't, guys, because we're
just gonna spend it all while we're alive. But you
(22:33):
you know the control which and I am a control freak.
I will admit that. And I don't have control anymore.
And it's hard because again I would love to you know, oh,
don't do that, don't do that, don't do that. But
you know what you've got to let them do it.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
I can't believe how many people I know that are
my age fifties and their parents still control them because
of the finances find the yeah, or family companies, family businesses, yeah,
things like.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
That, Yeah, which is just so unhealthy. Thank God, we
don't have anything like that to control our kids over.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
But I think there was a different generation of this too.
I mean, I honestly, I think our kids control us,
you know. I think there's a level of we always
would have all these baseball events and dance and all that.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Yeah, a balance, Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
But it is interesting. I think that there we have.
We are blessed that our kids aren't doing anything that
we feel like they need to be controlled with. But
there are some people that probably are listening to this
thing that either they or family members maybe needed to
have somebody of a sound mind control them because they
(23:47):
were making poor decisions or getting into poor you know,
getting into things that probably were leading them to to stumble. So,
you know, I think, God that the boys haven't had
that yeah, where we've had to like sit there and
go hey, and I pray that that doesn't happen at all.
But I, you know, I think about that about you know,
(24:11):
abusive alcohol, drugs, whatever.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
So yeah, the next one is they don't owe you
emotional security. Asking them to carry your loneliness or the
unmeant needs you're not taking to the Lord is unhealthy
or you're unmant you know.
Speaker 2 (24:28):
And I want you to remember this.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
On Mother's Day, well, I don't ask them to me,
none of the.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Boys come in because you are very You get very
depressed if the boys aren't with you on Mother's Day.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
So I'm going to disagree with the very depressed and
do I am I sad? Yeah, I don't lay around
and do like very depressed.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Is very difference between depressed depress is not just laying
around depressed. I'm not very depressed.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Yeah, I get sad, and I've said of that, but
I don't get very depressed. And by the way, this
is something that you would do.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
You.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
I got to see my kids on Father's Day.
Speaker 3 (25:02):
Okay, Well you I think again, when the boys are home,
you want them to meet the needs of your loneliness
and your unmet needs. I would say that's you more than.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Me, So your pinpoint in this one. But I got
to tell you there have been times where I feel
like every.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
Single one that I brought up I have owned and
I get it taken responsibility. This one I don't feel
I do. I'm allowed to say that. I think this
more pertains to you.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Okay, you're right. When the kids are home, I want
at least to spend a little time with them. But
if the kids don't come home, I don't sit there
and go my day is ruined because the boys didn't
come home. And that has either that well, I think
there's been a couple of Mother's Days where we don't
have the boys there. And you're like, I've.
Speaker 3 (25:50):
Never had a Mother's Day, right, I've been alone.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
But let me tell you how I feel. I feel
that there are times where if Mother's Day comes and
the boys aren't there, it's looked upon like I fucked up,
like I didn't do a good job of getting everybody
to come home. And there have been times where that
has happened, that has happened in the past, And honestly,
Mother's Day brings more anxiety meaning to me.
Speaker 3 (26:13):
Than I'll tell you where that stunds from. And our
anniversary or Christmas, well, I don't care what anniversary is
and Christmas, but I will tell you where that stems from.
For years, I would make sure when Joe and Jacob
Luff that they came home for Father's Day and for
your birthday, because they were within a week of each other,
and so I asked them to be there for that.
And I got really upset with you one time because
you never made the effort for Mother's Day. I always
(26:34):
felt that I made the effort for Father's Day. So
you probably are a little bit scarred from the time
that I unleashed on you and let you know that
I felt, okay, let me talk.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
I have total PTSDs from this go ahead.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
So when I actually was honest with you and told
you that I feel like you don't care about my
Mother's Day. I have always had a child with me
on every single Mother's Day, one, two, or three. I
have never put it on them to make sure that
they came home and spent a Mother's Day with me.
(27:11):
Never what I expected you to do while they were
younger was to I felt it was your responsibility to
make sure that they did that. Because I made sure
I did that for you for Father's Day. Shame on me,
because when you do something for someone, you should not
expect the same in return. So I have learned by
(27:31):
the way and I have grown from that. However, you
now telling me how I should feel and what I'm
going to do, and you're worried about what I'm going
to do is not fair because I have never come
to you and said I'm depressed that my kids aren't here.
What I said to you was, I think it's your
responsibility to make sure that they can get here, and
(27:55):
if they can't. I totally get that and understand that.
I've never had a Mother's Day day where I've cried
because they haven't been there, or acted a certain way
because they haven't been there. I've never been very depressed,
as you said, I just haven't. I disagree with that.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
One question, Okay, what do you want this mother?
Speaker 3 (28:14):
Is that I have said to you again, listen, excuse me.
I as I have gotten, as I'm getting older, and
as things have happened to me in my life, I
can only control me and how I take things and
how I handle things. I can't control what you do.
I cannot control what Joe does, I cannot control what
(28:37):
Jacob does, and I can't control what Luke does. I
would hope that they and I know that they want
to be with me. If they can't, I get it.
It's not that they don't contact me. It's not that
I don't talk to them. It's not that. Again, it's
like that little fantasy in my head that I've had it.
It would be amazing for us to all be together.
(29:02):
Every year. The scenery changes with that. Every year, people
get older, circumstances change. We have two children that live
out of state. We're not in the same state as
our other two kids. It's so different versus if they
were in the same state. Even we're not, and it
is okay, and moving forward, Joe will have to consider
(29:28):
Alyssa's mom in this scenario. And once they start having
kids and Chris they are a unit, and then Chris
with Jacob. Yeah, absolutely, okay, all right, but I'm not
going to let you. I won't let you tell me
how I feel about Stuffy, right, I won't. Okay, I'm
(29:48):
sure this doesn't pertain to you either, because none of
these do. They don't owe you repayment. Guaranteing was never
a transaction. It was obedience to God.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
Okay, right, bullshit, you know what they owe though they
owe our grandkids.
Speaker 3 (30:06):
That's not what this is about. And that's nothing about
to our.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
Grandkids if we have grandkids. I want our grandkids not
to be left over by them.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
I don't know what that has to do with anything.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
No, I don't want I don't want them to do
anything like I don't want them to repay. I want
to just see them prosper and be happy. And I
don't care about prosper be happy. I just want them
to be happy. Like I. Happiness comes in all different forms,
but I just don't like nothing will be better for
me than to sit there and hear them say, yeah,
(30:39):
I'm really happy, Because that's all you want is your
kids happiness. I will say this to you, and this
is something that you can expand on if you agree
or disagree.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
I'll probably disagree.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
I think that my kids happiness means more now as
they are adults than it ever did when they were little.
Like my kids coming home from school and having a
great day from school was good. Them talking to me
now and saying that they're doing really well means so
(31:11):
much more because now the world is more difficult, I feel,
but also their life is going to be more difficult,
and I know as adults. That's like, I want happy adults.
That's our biggest goal as parents is to raise happy adults.
Speaker 3 (31:26):
Well, I just think it's different. I think it doesn't.
I would never say now versus then, because to me,
I always want them to be happy then and now,
So I don't know that I would. It's just different.
It's a different Yes, the world has changed, but what
I want for them has never changed. And I'm not
saying that that's what you're saying, But for me, it's
(31:49):
just different.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
It was easier to make them happy with a McDonald's,
you know, happy meal.
Speaker 3 (31:53):
Well, everything is simpler when you're younger, and everything is
more complex as you age, and because you again you're
more of a unit when they're younger, and it's it
is simpler as you get older. Yes, things change and
evolve and needs and needs change, and so it's just
(32:16):
becomes a little bit more complex every year.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I met a guy today who's daughter just went through
a divorce and they have two kids in the daughter's
in her thirties, and he was an older guy and
he said to me, he's like, yeah, he goes, this
is honestly the most stressful thing ever. And I said,
what's with the most stressful part of the whole thing.
And he said, the most stressful part of the whole
(32:38):
thing is my daughter and my now former son in
law are shitheads. And he said, and all I care
about other kids. And he said, it's really really tough
because I can see that it's affecting the kids, and
that like that made me go foreshadowing, going, God, I
pray that I never have to deal with something like that.
(32:59):
But it is something realist, you know, because something like
that to me is something adult like that we're going through,
not something that we should ever have to go through
in our with our kids. So yeah, yeah, so, and
I can see the pain on this guy's face because
here's a guy who's done, you know, everything he could
as a parent, but now he's a grandparent. All he
wants is the best for his grandkids.
Speaker 3 (33:21):
So well, sometimes, yeah, not being in a unhealthy marriage
is best for the kids.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Well, And he said, the problem, though, is them going
to each other's house is unhealthy too. They shouldn't even
have the kids.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
So all right, okay, here's another one. They don't owe
you loyalty over their spouse if they marry you are
no longer first.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
How tough is that for you?
Speaker 3 (33:46):
That's not rejection, that's God design. I've so it's a
conversation that I've had with Joe for a couple of years,
knowing that he has said that he wants to marry Alissa,
and it's I don't want to be first, but I
still and I tell him all the time, the minute
(34:07):
Joe you marry Alissa, the day that you marry her,
she is your number one. And he would fight me
on it and say no, no, no, no, no no,
there's room for both of you. I will forever be
your mother. That will never ever ever change. I'm going
to forever be your mom. However, I should no longer
(34:30):
be the first phone call you make when something happens.
I still want to be considered. I would love to
still talk to my son, but Alyssa is the one
who should be getting the news first. That's hard for
me to say, by the way, if I'm being the
ron honest, like I'm almost choking on that, but I
(34:50):
believe it. Once you are married, you are a unit
and I'm outside of that unit. And I am okay
with it, I really am. And when I tell him that,
I mean it. I want him to be successful in
his marriage. I want them to I want them both.
(35:14):
You know, maybe one day. We had a discussion with
them last night, a really good heart to heart discussion
with them. And and again that can be a whole
other podcast if we're willing to really discuss it. But
you know, our relationship, there are dynamics that have to
change in all of us, you know, And it's something
(35:39):
that we really need to get down to the nitty
gritty because I don't. I am a really honest person
and I say it like it is, which sometimes is
hard for some people to swallow, and some people say
they're intimidated by me, and I, you know, I go
(36:00):
hard for my children and for you, Like I really
think that there there are people that I you know,
if you're in my circle, I go hard for you,
and things are gonna have to like I have to
open up a little bit more and soften and you.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
Know, yeah, yeah, one question, are you happy that you
married a guy whose mom was dead?
Speaker 3 (36:27):
No? You know what, it's really funny because I so
I never had that mother in law relationship, and I
look at social media and you know, the mother in
law is always the villain in every story, and because
she thinks her son is perfect or it's typically always
a daughter in law that is like, you know, oh
(36:48):
my mother in law is horrible. Oh my like for like,
And here's another scenario. Your sister's daughter or niece just
had a baby the other day and we were talking
to your sister on the phone and we were asking
when Drew's parents, you know, we're going to see the baby.
And because Tracy was in the delivery room with Madeline
(37:12):
and watched, you know, helped her daughter go through labor
and delivery, and so she you know, asked me, She's like,
how will you feel, you know, because her his parents
were in the waiting room waiting for her to have
the baby. And I said, that is just the way
that it should be, Like you, I get it. I
gave birth three times. I wanted my mom more than
(37:32):
I wanted you, to be honest, like you want your
mom there and I wanted my mom. I needed my
mom there. And I think that that is just a moment.
And I know it doesn't diminish my label as grandma
any less, not being in that room. If anything, it's
so important for Alyssa and her mom to have that moment.
(37:53):
I'm going to have so many more moments with that
grand baby. You know that I am great before, and
it's just different. Makes me a little sad, you know,
because I wish I had a daughter and I wish
I can experience that. But if I'm just being honest,
but I'm also so thankful and grateful and would never
(38:17):
replace one of my boys for a girl.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
What if a daughter in law said, Hey, I would
like you in the delivery room? Would you do it?
Speaker 3 (38:23):
So we said that. We were talking to Tracy about that,
and I said I would because it's such a vulnerable moment.
You know, your legs are up.
Speaker 2 (38:35):
In the air, your mother in law seeing and you're coucie.
Speaker 3 (38:38):
You could shit the tail like. There's so many things
that could happen. But I think that if it meant
it would have to be a special relationship with my
daughter in law, and if that is what she wanted,
it would be something that we'd have. You know. Would
I feel honored? Yes? But will will I be upset?
If I'm not? I can't. I cannot be because it's
(39:00):
not about me. And that's one thing that you and
I have to remember and I'm going to throw you
in the well. This whole thing and this works too.
It's not about us. We raise these boys to be
a certain way and to be the men that they are,
and at one point, like we have to just.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
Leave the nest boys, well you want.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
To shove them out of the nest, but just wipe
our hands of it, and we get to enjoy who
they are as human beings and adult men. And then
we should be so lucky that they want to bring
us in and share their life with us. That's how
I feel, Okay, I like it is that it?
Speaker 2 (39:41):
Or is that that? That's it?
Speaker 3 (39:44):
I know how many minutes was that?
Speaker 2 (39:46):
I can't believe this, but we went over we were
forty minutes into this. How dare you?
Speaker 3 (39:53):
Wow?
Speaker 2 (39:53):
It's all because of our boys. All these are great,
They're all wonderful. And can I tell you something. Having
heard all this, it does make me think of your
parents and then, and you know, think that it had
to be very difficult for your parents to have to
understand that we were going to start our own family.
Speaker 3 (40:13):
But I think my parents have been very good. Having
said that, they never have guilted us into anything.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
No, your mom and dad honestly are long for the ride,
and we have to use that as a great example.
That's a great example for that. And with that said,
I don't know if I want to picture.
Speaker 3 (40:30):
My daughter, but don't you're not invited.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Oh my god.
Welcome to the We Don't Podcast, starring husband and wife
Mojo from Mojo in the Morning and his better half Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
On this episode coming up on this episode of the
We Don't Podcast, I don't even know if I want
to do it now. It's the seven things that I
thought your adult kids owe you. But Chelsea corrected me
on this just before we started this podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
We don't.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
It's things that they don't owe us.
Speaker 3 (00:37):
Correct h this.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Is not even going to be fun.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Well, all right, all right, all right, without further delay,
here are Mojo and Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
All right, Well, we have to before we do anything,
before we even talk about the podcast, we have to
thank some people. Chelsea. Okay, we have to thank the
voters from the Michigan Association of Broadcasters. Yes, which is
unbelievable to even know that there is an organization called
(01:10):
the Michigan Association of Broadcasters, but there is. And in
all the years that I have been in broadcasting, I
have never been recognized by the Michigan Association of Broadcasters. Really, yeah,
I think the first year that I was in Michigan,
I got to go to the award and they nominated
me for something.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Oh okay, I thought they had.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Never got an award from them. Okay, but I then
now get you as my partner in life as well
as my partner and podcast, and the Michigan Association of
Broadcasters gives us an award.
Speaker 3 (01:45):
The winner is whifm Mojo's We Don't.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Podcast If we got married today, I know things would
be so different because I think both you and I
would have more voices to be able to say something.
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Would you. I still feel that you are a people
pleaser and you really care about what your family thinks
and what other people think. I don't care.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
That was it? What a clip? And by the way,
Zach picked that clip, So thank you to Zach.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Thank you Zach.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
And Zach is a partner in crime with us because he's.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
A little silent partner.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
He is our executive producer of the mojos We Don't podcast.
Speaker 3 (02:28):
And he gave us some very good feedback. We're going
to be switching a couple of things up, per Zach.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
But the Michigan Association of Broadcasters market one podcast series
best Podcast of the Year twenty six. Pretty cool, pretty.
Speaker 3 (02:44):
Cool, Thank you, exciting And I've never won an award.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
You have never gotten anything. I don't think so. Even
the boys making you like a oh.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
Well, yeah, I have little little oscar Us statue saying
World's best mom. But I've never been wrecked. Listen, you
just got into the Radio Hall of Fame, so this
is nothing to you, But to me, this is pretty cool.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
You might get into the Radio Hall of Fame myself
of this.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
You know what I am going to petition for myself.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Can I ask a question about those awards that kids
would make for you as a dad, you'd get those
awards and you would look at them and go, oh,
this is really nice. This is what they did during
their time in art class. Or moms seem like they're
way more into the homemade things, the gifts and things
like that. Of course, did you love this? Uh?
Speaker 3 (03:41):
I did, and I do and I still have them,
and yeah, they're precious.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Is there anyone over the years that you remember one
of the boys making.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
For you that over any other?
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (03:53):
No, I mean there's not one that's better than another.
I mean, I think they're all just they have their
little special touches on them, and I love them all.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
My favorite was when the kids would get money to
go somewhere like a field trip or whatever, and they
would buy you and they would always buy it for you.
They wouldn't buy it for me even if Dad's day
was coming up, like you know, wow or no.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
Not the field trip. They would do a store. The
school would always have a store. Yeah, and they I
would volunteer as parents as you know, a parent volunteer,
and so sometimes it was hard for them to buy
me something because another volunteer would have to go take
them away. But listen, they always bought themselves something first,
then their brothers, then me, and if any money was
(04:37):
left over, I.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Got it, yeah, which was really great. Uh, this is
a and I'm not kidding when I say this to you,
this is a cool honor. Yeah, because our show's podcast
was also nominated. We did not win, and I was
talking to Cody, who Cody was one of the people.
Cody is our marketing director for I, and Cody actually
(05:02):
said to me that this was the one that she
was hoping that would win, and her reasoning behind it,
which I thought was really sweet, was she feels like
this one obviously means a lot more to us, in
the fact.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
That we meant a lot more to me. Let's be honest.
I don't really.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
But it's also because I think that you know, the
radio show is the radio show. This is really our
personal and this is about as personal as I've ever
gotten in my life. And I know this is definitely
the most personal that you have had an opportunity to voice. Yep,
So that's pretty cool. So thank you to the Michigan
Association of Broadcasters. In May, they will have an award show.
(05:42):
We will be attending, You and I will be attending,
and we will go up on stage and we.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Will just ordered my outfit the other day. I hope
it fits.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Oh really, yeah, I have not. Why is it that
guys just wear what you just wear.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
It because it doesn't change. It's a suit and the
white shirt and maybe a different tie, you know, maybe
you maybe I'll go out and get you a different tie.
But really, truly, guys have it so easy women with
stuff like this, like with your Hall of Fame, I
can never wear that dress again. Why I don't think
I can?
Speaker 2 (06:14):
You look so good in it?
Speaker 3 (06:15):
Thank you? But well, I mean maybe I don't know,
but I feel like I can't wear that dress again.
And then we're doing which we're going to talk about
it another time. This Lady's luncheon for you of them
where I'm talking about my ovarian cancer, I'm not gonna
be a little worth. I thought, Okay, maybe I'll repurpose
that twice. I'll wear it there and then for Mother's
(06:37):
Day a couple days later. I'm like, no, I can't
have to wait a year in between. It's just a.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Nice But if it's like me and I gain weight,
like I always fluctuate weights.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Well, the one I'm wearing for the luncheon is really
big and flowy, which is amazing. I'm so excited for
that one, and I love it for so many different
reasons because the color is great, there are so many
reasons I love that. The one I ordered for this
broadcasting on is like a fitted skirt with a separate top,
and so I'm a little nervous about it. We'll see, Okay,
(07:07):
we'll see.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
All right, Well, we want to get into the podcast.
We got to get into this. What are kids don't
know us? Or what is it? Wait?
Speaker 3 (07:15):
What is this thing called seven things your adult kids
don't owe you?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
And for those that haven't, no idea how adult our
kids are? Our kids are pretty adult they are. We
have Joe who is thirty years old? Right, We've got
Jacob who is and this is a test for me,
twenty seven six? How old is he?
Speaker 3 (07:35):
Twenty eight?
Speaker 2 (07:36):
He's twenty eight already.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
Well yes, wait, he's going to be twenty eight, twenty eight, sorry,
I'm Marty Hilly. He's going to be twenty eight in April.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
And Luke's going to be twenty one in May. In May,
so Luke is twenty. So our kids are adult. They're
about as adult as can be.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
They are adults.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
And it's wild because out of all of them, Jacob
seems like he's the most adult, followed by me. Be
tie between Luke and Joe.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
Yeah. Yeah, he's always had an old soul, that child.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
It all depends on if Joe is coming home from
Disney with Star Wars lightsabers. But a right, so what
is this?
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Uh? So?
Speaker 3 (08:17):
I came across this and I loved it it really
because again, we have adult children and Joe is getting
married in December, so things boundaries are about to change,
and you know, holidays will start to look different. He's
going to have his own family. We will be the
extended family, and honestly, I struggle with that a little bit,
(08:40):
but I'm also excited for him, like this is part
of life and it's about time. You know, I gotta
let go. But I'd be lying if I said I
wasn't struggling with that, you know. So I came across
this and I just loved it and I sent it
to you, and so seven things. The first one is
(09:01):
they don't owe you closeness. You can't demand a relationship.
You can only cultivate when they might find worth returning to. Okay, Well,
I thought that that was really interesting. And you know,
there are people that popped into my head when I
read that, one of which was your dad.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
We'll explain that to it.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
Well, your dad, unfortunately when he passed away, was not
talking to two of his kids, and a lot of
it it was because well we won't get into the
weeds of why they weren't talking, but your dad really
demanded a level of not closeness, but he like he
wanted things his way. Yeah, and I thought, you know,
(09:47):
it can't And I'm not saying he was a bad man.
I loved your father, loved your dad, but he was
from Cuba. He in his idea, in his head. He
has had the way that he wanted his relation to
do with his kids. And I thought, now, for some reason,
that just made me think of your dad.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
One of the things that my dad did wrong and
it took therapy for me to figure this out. But
he put upon us the pain that he had when
he had to leave his family in Cuba, and a
lot of the stuff that he did parenting us. And
you're right, my dad. It was weird when we would
(10:27):
go and visit my dad, and my dad lived in Chicago,
and there was times where we lived in Arizona, and
there's time when we lived in Detroit. When we would
go visit my dad, I felt like if I didn't
make my dad my first stop when we got to town,
whether it be on an airplane from Arizona or driving
off of I ninety four in Chicago, it was bad.
(10:51):
So his feelings got hurt, and I used to there
were times where I didn't make him the first stop.
We would go do something, visit friends, or see my sisters,
and I would not want him to know about it,
like I would hide it, like I'm a kid hiding,
you know, taking something from you know, my parents. And
I do think that that was one of those situations
(11:13):
where you look back on it. And it took me
to go to therapy and have my therapist say to me, hey,
you know, your dad was making up for something that
he probably didn't get and wanting it from you guys,
and it wasn't fair that he did that to you guys.
Which is interesting because then I think about this with
the boys. There have been times where Luke comes home
(11:36):
from Michigan State or Jacob drives in from Chicago, and
I get upset with the boys and I say to you,
they're not spending any time with us, like they're here,
but they're not here, and it's like, why even be home?
And you are very you know, you're very good about Hey,
(11:57):
let me explain this to you. And I think that
that one does mean a lot too, too well.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
I think it's hard for you because you are super
You and Joey are very much alike. You are very
much people like you love to be around pleasures, also
people pleasers, but you guys, you guys want to be
around family all of the time. Jacob is me and
Luke is a little bit more me than you, and
(12:24):
the way that we like to have our downtime and
we need some away time and when they're finally I
think when they come home quote unquote home and they're
in their room and they get to just I mean,
Luke lives with a bunch of people. He lived in
a dorm, then he lived in a fraternity house, and
then now he's in a home that he has nine roommates,
and he loves being around all of them, but he
(12:47):
also needs when he comes home to come home and
to not be around people and be able to unwind.
And I get that. To me, my mom heart is
just so happy that I know they are in my
house and I can see them and just walk up
and knock on their door and give them a hug.
And then I get it, like I get that they
need that space for you. It's really hard. You want
(13:09):
them to be on the couch and talk to you,
and yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
I want them to have to hear all the painful,
same stories that my dad would tell us whenever we
went and visited him. So what's number two?
Speaker 3 (13:22):
So number two is they don't owe you agreement. You
raise them to think, discern, and to listen to the
Holy Spirit. That means they may not marry you. To me,
what that means for me is you know, I grew
up in a Christian home going to church, and then
we didn't raise the boys in a church. We would
(13:45):
go every once in a while. They did go to
Catholic school, but when we went.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Between Catholic school, Catholic church and Catholic or in Christian
just non a nominational Christians.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Correct, But to me, I like that. I would try
to talk about my beliefs with them and hopefully instill them,
but also give them their own freedom to choose what
they believe in. And even politically we are not.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Yeah, we don't talk very much of you got to
vote for this, or you got to do this.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
You are on your own. I have no problem talking
about who I vote, voted for and why, and I
love the dialogue of going back and forth. They do
not have to be cut copy pasted. I love that
they are their own individual people.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
With that, what about our religion states that if you don't,
you know, take the Lord and you know, if you
don't take Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior, that
you're not going to heaven? Do you ever worry about that?
Like if if they don't believe that at all, that
that's not.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
The case, I yes and no. I mean I I
believe that my kids all believe in God, and their
relationship with God is on them. They're honestly, there are
a lot of things that I struggle with with the
church that you know. So is my relationship perfect with God? No?
(15:18):
You know, but I do believe in God, But I
struggle with a couple of things. I grew up in
a very non denominational, strict.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Christian Church, fundamentalist Christian Church.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
No non denominational, okay, but it was. But there I
had strict views on things, and there are some things
that I just don't agree with. And I'm not God,
so I can't judge. And I believe that God is
merciful and gracious and he loves all. You know.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
So what if though the boys we like, we end
up in heaven and the boys aren't there? Are you
going to be best.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Like?
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Are you going to be like ah ship we sent down?
Would you? Would you, like, honestly, go all right, going
to spend the rest of my life in eternity? Or
I want to spend the rest of my life with
the one.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
There's a lot that goes into that that is not
we don't this.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Post is that it's an interesting thought though, you know
what I mean, it was that easy. Like I I
look at it as you know, do we want to
have the well? I because I think I got you know,
iHeartRadio helped me with the passes, so I think Bob
(16:33):
Pittman gave me some passes to go. So I'm sitting
up front, guys, so I just want you to know that.
Excuse me, I'm talking to like Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates, I have a all access pass. Okay, right, okay.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Okay, speaking of access, they don't owe you access their home,
their time, their rhythms. Those now belong to the life
they're called to build, which is what we're going to Actually,
it's true with Jacob as well and Luke to a
certain point. Luke is still on payroll. He's still quote
(17:09):
unquote under our roof. We provide the roof that he's
under right now, both at school and at home, and
we pay for everything. So he is given a lot
of rope and a lot of freedom, but he still
has to report back to us with a certain thing. Jacob, Joey,
(17:30):
it's their home, their rules, what they you know, we
should feel lucky, not feel lucky, but we should feel
you know, I don't know what the word is, but to
be invited over and for them to.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Want to Yeah. What if Okay, here's one, because we
have dealt with that. Jacob didn't come home for a
good period of time and would choose to spend the
holidays in Chicago or choose to Hody this one time?
So okay, what if Luke though, all right, Luke is
(18:08):
twenty years old, give me twenty one. He's got a girlfriend.
What if he chose to do Mother's Day with his
girlfriend's gird one.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
I don't accept if it's if it's his wife's mother, fine,
but you are I'm sorry you.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Say fine with that, But do you really mean fine?
Like if Joe spends the holiday with guess all this
his mom? Is that gonna bother?
Speaker 3 (18:35):
You will me? Yes?
Speaker 2 (18:37):
If we were in the.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Same am I going to have to accept it? One
hundred percent? He is that and that's part of this.
He is now not tethered or tied to us in
the sense of I would like to spend those holidays
with him. And listen, I've had Mother's Days without him,
I've had Christmases I've had Thanksgiving where he has chosen
(18:59):
to be with Alyssa and her family over us. We've
already crossed. You know. Did it really bother me because
they were dating at the time. It really did. Now
that he is, you know, building his own family, I
respect those boundaries. Did I respect you know the decision before? No,
I really didn't hurt my feelings. I don't feel that
(19:22):
I have a right to be hurt when he is
building his own family and that's what they decide to
do as a family. I get.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
I will say this if it goes back to the
day that Joe basketballed up with his book with his
girlfriend's dad. I told this story before on the podcast,
and when when Joe is dating his high school girlfriend
and we were going to play a basketball game and
(19:52):
it was me and Joe versus his girlfriend's dad and
her brother. The girlfriend's day said all right, Joe and
I versus you two guys. I'm like, that's bullshit. I
want my kid. And he was obviously balancing size like height,
wives and stuff, but it was kind of weird. It's like, no,
you're not taking my son, So that does become a
(20:13):
little touchy. I do think that all of this makes
me think of your parents, because anytime that we're talking
about this, I now put myself into your parents' shoes
and realize how unbelievably patient your mom and dad have been.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
Well, let's be real, my parents had a lot of
the holidays and a lot of everything because when we
lived in Arizona, we were always with them. We spent one, yeah,
we spent one Christmas with your family, and then we
moved relatively quickly when Joe was four and Jacob had
didn't even turned two. So from that point on we
lived in Chicago. Then we would try to spend Christmases
(20:55):
with my parents. Try to spend holidays with your family
in Chicago, like we really did try to. What we
tried to do was try to make everyone else happy
and not us happy. And that's one thing that I
don't want my kids to have to do. I want
them to do what is best for their family, what
(21:16):
is best for their kids, if they don't have kids,
what's best for them, because it isn't about me anymore.
It's about them, which is really hard for me to
say and really hard for me to really mean, but
I do mean it. What I in a perfect world.
Love to have my kids always come to my house
and us all be together. Yes? Is that realistic? No?
(21:39):
And so I just think the more I say it,
the more I can believe it. I mean and really true.
In the past couple of years it has been where
we've been split up, you know, And that's just how
it is.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
What's the next one?
Speaker 3 (21:54):
They don't owe you control? Your authority was for a season.
Adulthood is where stewardship in Christ becomes theirs.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
I wish I knew what that meant. What do you mean? Control?
Like control?
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Like what we can't tell Joe at thirty and Jacob
at twenty seven, this is what you're doing. You know,
you will be doing this or I won't talk to you,
or I won't like you. You will not inherit correct
anything from us, right, which you won't, guys, because we're
just gonna spend it all while we're alive. But you
(22:33):
you know the control which and I am a control freak.
I will admit that. And I don't have control anymore.
And it's hard because again I would love to you know, oh,
don't do that, don't do that, don't do that. But
you know what you've got to let them do it.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
I can't believe how many people I know that are
my age fifties and their parents still control them because
of the finances find the yeah, or family companies, family businesses, yeah,
things like.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
That, Yeah, which is just so unhealthy. Thank God, we
don't have anything like that to control our kids over.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
But I think there was a different generation of this too.
I mean, I honestly, I think our kids control us,
you know. I think there's a level of we always
would have all these baseball events and dance and all that.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Yeah, a balance, Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
But it is interesting. I think that there we have.
We are blessed that our kids aren't doing anything that
we feel like they need to be controlled with. But
there are some people that probably are listening to this
thing that either they or family members maybe needed to
have somebody of a sound mind control them because they
(23:47):
were making poor decisions or getting into poor you know,
getting into things that probably were leading them to to stumble. So,
you know, I think, God that the boys haven't had
that yeah, where we've had to like sit there and
go hey, and I pray that that doesn't happen at all.
But I, you know, I think about that about you know,
(24:11):
abusive alcohol, drugs, whatever.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
So yeah, the next one is they don't owe you
emotional security. Asking them to carry your loneliness or the
unmeant needs you're not taking to the Lord is unhealthy
or you're unmant you know.
Speaker 2 (24:28):
And I want you to remember this.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
On Mother's Day, well, I don't ask them to me,
none of the.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Boys come in because you are very You get very
depressed if the boys aren't with you on Mother's Day.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
So I'm going to disagree with the very depressed and
do I am I sad? Yeah, I don't lay around
and do like very depressed.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Is very difference between depressed depress is not just laying
around depressed. I'm not very depressed.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Yeah, I get sad, and I've said of that, but
I don't get very depressed. And by the way, this
is something that you would do.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
You.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
I got to see my kids on Father's Day.
Speaker 3 (25:02):
Okay, Well you I think again, when the boys are home,
you want them to meet the needs of your loneliness
and your unmet needs. I would say that's you more than.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Me, So your pinpoint in this one. But I got
to tell you there have been times where I feel
like every.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
Single one that I brought up I have owned and
I get it taken responsibility. This one I don't feel
I do. I'm allowed to say that. I think this
more pertains to you.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
Okay, you're right. When the kids are home, I want
at least to spend a little time with them. But
if the kids don't come home, I don't sit there
and go my day is ruined because the boys didn't
come home. And that has either that well, I think
there's been a couple of Mother's Days where we don't
have the boys there. And you're like, I've.
Speaker 3 (25:50):
Never had a Mother's Day, right, I've been alone.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
But let me tell you how I feel. I feel
that there are times where if Mother's Day comes and
the boys aren't there, it's looked upon like I fucked up,
like I didn't do a good job of getting everybody
to come home. And there have been times where that
has happened, that has happened in the past, And honestly,
Mother's Day brings more anxiety meaning to me.
Speaker 3 (26:13):
Than I'll tell you where that stunds from. And our
anniversary or Christmas, well, I don't care what anniversary is
and Christmas, but I will tell you where that stems from.
For years, I would make sure when Joe and Jacob
Luff that they came home for Father's Day and for
your birthday, because they were within a week of each other,
and so I asked them to be there for that.
And I got really upset with you one time because
you never made the effort for Mother's Day. I always
(26:34):
felt that I made the effort for Father's Day. So
you probably are a little bit scarred from the time
that I unleashed on you and let you know that
I felt, okay, let me talk.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
I have total PTSDs from this go ahead.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
So when I actually was honest with you and told
you that I feel like you don't care about my
Mother's Day. I have always had a child with me
on every single Mother's Day, one, two, or three. I
have never put it on them to make sure that
they came home and spent a Mother's Day with me.
(27:11):
Never what I expected you to do while they were
younger was to I felt it was your responsibility to
make sure that they did that. Because I made sure
I did that for you for Father's Day. Shame on me,
because when you do something for someone, you should not
expect the same in return. So I have learned by
(27:31):
the way and I have grown from that. However, you
now telling me how I should feel and what I'm
going to do, and you're worried about what I'm going
to do is not fair because I have never come
to you and said I'm depressed that my kids aren't here.
What I said to you was, I think it's your
responsibility to make sure that they can get here, and
(27:55):
if they can't. I totally get that and understand that.
I've never had a Mother's Day day where I've cried
because they haven't been there, or acted a certain way
because they haven't been there. I've never been very depressed,
as you said, I just haven't. I disagree with that.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
One question, Okay, what do you want this mother?
Speaker 3 (28:14):
Is that I have said to you again, listen, excuse me.
I as I have gotten, as I'm getting older, and
as things have happened to me in my life, I
can only control me and how I take things and
how I handle things. I can't control what you do.
I cannot control what Joe does, I cannot control what
(28:37):
Jacob does, and I can't control what Luke does. I
would hope that they and I know that they want
to be with me. If they can't, I get it.
It's not that they don't contact me. It's not that
I don't talk to them. It's not that. Again, it's
like that little fantasy in my head that I've had it.
It would be amazing for us to all be together.
(29:02):
Every year. The scenery changes with that. Every year, people
get older, circumstances change. We have two children that live
out of state. We're not in the same state as
our other two kids. It's so different versus if they
were in the same state. Even we're not, and it
is okay, and moving forward, Joe will have to consider
(29:28):
Alyssa's mom in this scenario. And once they start having
kids and Chris they are a unit, and then Chris
with Jacob. Yeah, absolutely, okay, all right, but I'm not
going to let you. I won't let you tell me
how I feel about Stuffy, right, I won't. Okay, I'm
(29:48):
sure this doesn't pertain to you either, because none of
these do. They don't owe you repayment. Guaranteing was never
a transaction. It was obedience to God.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
Okay, right, bullshit, you know what they owe though they
owe our grandkids.
Speaker 3 (30:06):
That's not what this is about. And that's nothing about
to our.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
Grandkids if we have grandkids. I want our grandkids not
to be left over by them.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
I don't know what that has to do with anything.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
No, I don't want I don't want them to do
anything like I don't want them to repay. I want
to just see them prosper and be happy. And I
don't care about prosper be happy. I just want them
to be happy. Like I. Happiness comes in all different forms,
but I just don't like nothing will be better for
me than to sit there and hear them say, yeah,
(30:39):
I'm really happy, Because that's all you want is your
kids happiness. I will say this to you, and this
is something that you can expand on if you agree
or disagree.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
I'll probably disagree.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
I think that my kids happiness means more now as
they are adults than it ever did when they were little.
Like my kids coming home from school and having a
great day from school was good. Them talking to me
now and saying that they're doing really well means so
(31:11):
much more because now the world is more difficult, I feel,
but also their life is going to be more difficult,
and I know as adults. That's like, I want happy adults.
That's our biggest goal as parents is to raise happy adults.
Speaker 3 (31:26):
Well, I just think it's different. I think it doesn't.
I would never say now versus then, because to me,
I always want them to be happy then and now,
So I don't know that I would. It's just different.
It's a different Yes, the world has changed, but what
I want for them has never changed. And I'm not
saying that that's what you're saying, But for me, it's
(31:49):
just different.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
It was easier to make them happy with a McDonald's,
you know, happy meal.
Speaker 3 (31:53):
Well, everything is simpler when you're younger, and everything is
more complex as you age, and because you again you're
more of a unit when they're younger, and it's it
is simpler as you get older. Yes, things change and
evolve and needs and needs change, and so it's just
(32:16):
becomes a little bit more complex every year.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I met a guy today who's daughter just went through
a divorce and they have two kids in the daughter's
in her thirties, and he was an older guy and
he said to me, he's like, yeah, he goes, this
is honestly the most stressful thing ever. And I said,
what's with the most stressful part of the whole thing.
And he said, the most stressful part of the whole
(32:38):
thing is my daughter and my now former son in
law are shitheads. And he said, and all I care
about other kids. And he said, it's really really tough
because I can see that it's affecting the kids, and
that like that made me go foreshadowing, going, God, I
pray that I never have to deal with something like that.
(32:59):
But it is something realist, you know, because something like
that to me is something adult like that we're going through,
not something that we should ever have to go through
in our with our kids. So yeah, yeah, so, and
I can see the pain on this guy's face because
here's a guy who's done, you know, everything he could
as a parent, but now he's a grandparent. All he
wants is the best for his grandkids.
Speaker 3 (33:21):
So well, sometimes, yeah, not being in a unhealthy marriage
is best for the kids.
Speaker 2 (33:28):
Well, And he said, the problem, though, is them going
to each other's house is unhealthy too. They shouldn't even
have the kids.
Speaker 3 (33:34):
So all right, okay, here's another one. They don't owe
you loyalty over their spouse if they marry you are
no longer first.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
How tough is that for you?
Speaker 3 (33:46):
That's not rejection, that's God design. I've so it's a
conversation that I've had with Joe for a couple of years,
knowing that he has said that he wants to marry Alissa,
and it's I don't want to be first, but I
still and I tell him all the time, the minute
(34:07):
Joe you marry Alissa, the day that you marry her,
she is your number one. And he would fight me
on it and say no, no, no, no, no no,
there's room for both of you. I will forever be
your mother. That will never ever ever change. I'm going
to forever be your mom. However, I should no longer
(34:30):
be the first phone call you make when something happens.
I still want to be considered. I would love to
still talk to my son, but Alyssa is the one
who should be getting the news first. That's hard for
me to say, by the way, if I'm being the
ron honest, like I'm almost choking on that, but I
(34:50):
believe it. Once you are married, you are a unit
and I'm outside of that unit. And I am okay
with it, I really am. And when I tell him that,
I mean it. I want him to be successful in
his marriage. I want them to I want them both.
(35:14):
You know, maybe one day. We had a discussion with
them last night, a really good heart to heart discussion
with them. And and again that can be a whole
other podcast if we're willing to really discuss it. But
you know, our relationship, there are dynamics that have to
change in all of us, you know, And it's something
(35:39):
that we really need to get down to the nitty
gritty because I don't. I am a really honest person
and I say it like it is, which sometimes is
hard for some people to swallow, and some people say
they're intimidated by me, and I, you know, I go
(36:00):
hard for my children and for you, Like I really
think that there there are people that I you know,
if you're in my circle, I go hard for you,
and things are gonna have to like I have to
open up a little bit more and soften and you.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
Know, yeah, yeah, one question, are you happy that you
married a guy whose mom was dead?
Speaker 3 (36:27):
No? You know what, it's really funny because I so
I never had that mother in law relationship, and I
look at social media and you know, the mother in
law is always the villain in every story, and because
she thinks her son is perfect or it's typically always
a daughter in law that is like, you know, oh
(36:48):
my mother in law is horrible. Oh my like for like,
And here's another scenario. Your sister's daughter or niece just
had a baby the other day and we were talking
to your sister on the phone and we were asking
when Drew's parents, you know, we're going to see the baby.
And because Tracy was in the delivery room with Madeline
(37:12):
and watched, you know, helped her daughter go through labor
and delivery, and so she you know, asked me, She's like,
how will you feel, you know, because her his parents
were in the waiting room waiting for her to have
the baby. And I said, that is just the way
that it should be, Like you, I get it. I
gave birth three times. I wanted my mom more than
(37:32):
I wanted you, to be honest, like you want your
mom there and I wanted my mom. I needed my
mom there. And I think that that is just a moment.
And I know it doesn't diminish my label as grandma
any less, not being in that room. If anything, it's
so important for Alyssa and her mom to have that moment.
(37:53):
I'm going to have so many more moments with that
grand baby. You know that I am great before, and
it's just different. Makes me a little sad, you know,
because I wish I had a daughter and I wish
I can experience that. But if I'm just being honest,
but I'm also so thankful and grateful and would never
(38:17):
replace one of my boys for a girl.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
What if a daughter in law said, Hey, I would
like you in the delivery room? Would you do it?
Speaker 3 (38:23):
So we said that. We were talking to Tracy about that,
and I said I would because it's such a vulnerable moment.
You know, your legs are up.
Speaker 2 (38:35):
In the air, your mother in law seeing and you're coucie.
Speaker 3 (38:38):
You could shit the tail like. There's so many things
that could happen. But I think that if it meant
it would have to be a special relationship with my
daughter in law, and if that is what she wanted,
it would be something that we'd have. You know. Would
I feel honored? Yes? But will will I be upset?
If I'm not? I can't. I cannot be because it's
(39:00):
not about me. And that's one thing that you and
I have to remember and I'm going to throw you
in the well. This whole thing and this works too.
It's not about us. We raise these boys to be
a certain way and to be the men that they are,
and at one point, like we have to just.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
Leave the nest boys, well you want.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
To shove them out of the nest, but just wipe
our hands of it, and we get to enjoy who
they are as human beings and adult men. And then
we should be so lucky that they want to bring
us in and share their life with us. That's how
I feel, Okay, I like it is that it?
Speaker 2 (39:41):
Or is that that? That's it?
Speaker 3 (39:44):
I know how many minutes was that?
Speaker 2 (39:46):
I can't believe this, but we went over we were
forty minutes into this. How dare you?
Speaker 3 (39:53):
Wow?
Speaker 2 (39:53):
It's all because of our boys. All these are great,
They're all wonderful. And can I tell you something. Having
heard all this, it does make me think of your
parents and then, and you know, think that it had
to be very difficult for your parents to have to
understand that we were going to start our own family.
Speaker 3 (40:13):
But I think my parents have been very good. Having
said that, they never have guilted us into anything.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
No, your mom and dad honestly are long for the ride,
and we have to use that as a great example.
That's a great example for that. And with that said,
I don't know if I want to picture.
Speaker 3 (40:30):
My daughter, but don't you're not invited.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Oh my god.
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